Adventures of our Fami-Ly

The Wrestling Match of the Century

2013-05-09T13:12:00.001-05:00

Man Cave Thoughts 5-10-13

Sophia is 37 weeks and 5 days. She’s considered full term. Sarah and I have our bags packed, our lists made, and her room set up with all the cute trimmings to welcome her into this world. But with our countdown nearing its end, more of the feelings that I’ve put aside have resurfaced. I can still remember coming home to Rachel and Alan’s house after our first major ultrasound, trying to wrap our minds around the news we had received from the doctor about Sophia. All the numbers and statistics about her chance to survive, and another set of numbers if she lived past her 1st birthday, seemed to float around our heads as we started this journey. I remember us both thinking, “It’s just not fair.”

Over the years, God has been gracious in continually revealing more and more about Himself to us. His limitless strength, his infinite wisdom, and his unending love have more than made their appearance in our lives these last few months. Whenever we’ve been hurting and lacking in our faith, He would comfort us and strengthen our faith. Whenever we have been in despair after hearing less than encouraging news about our baby girl, He has given us more hope than what the world could ever offer. But it seems as though perspective has a lot to do with what we’re focused on and what has the power to bring us down. I can only speak for myself, but whenever I have felt sad and discouraged, I’ve been only looking at myself. I can’t see beyond my little circle because I’m blinded by my own pain and heart ache.

In those times, I wrestle with thoughts of how God can let this happen to us, His children. At times, it feels like a tug of war match in my head.

One side says, “Dave, you know it’s for His glory. You can’t begin to understand how this may affect other people and how this can ultimately bring others to know the love of Jesus Christ. So stop being so selfish and get over it.”

The other side says, “But God is love. (1 John 4: 7, 8, 16) So how can you say that God doesn’t care about your pain? He knows your heart ache and mourns with us.”

So you see, in my head, I’m wrestling with how God will allow these things to happen to his children that he loves so dearly, while giving Himself glory. This is something everyone who has experienced loss has probably thought of once or twice. It’s a complexly intertwined plan that only Our Father can fully understand. All the while, leaving me thinking, “It’s just not fair.”

Sarah told me a story tonight about a doctor in the states that was recently turned into the police for doing late term abortions. The ones she gave examples of were of babies around 26 weeks. So forget babies the size of your pinky nail, or something you can only see with a magnifying glass. A 26 week fetus is roughly 14 inches long and weighs in at 2 pounds. These babies would sometimes still move after the abortion, only to have their spinal cord cut by the doctor. These babies and so many others were not given the chance at life. Whether it be a child out of wedlock, a terminal diagnosis, or someone just not ready for parenthood, the decision at the end of the day was that the baby had no say at whether or not it wanted to give life a try.

After the story, Sarah shared a beautiful thought. Remember, that up until this point, my circle was only big enough to fit me and my pain. She said that so many babies don’t get to choose life if the doctor says they have a problem. They never get a fighting chance because the choice is made for them. What if this really isn’t about our choice as parents to have a perfectly healthy child? What if this is about God giving this baby a chance, to parents He KNEW would keep her no matter what the diagnosis, no matter what the statistic, and no matter what the long term outcome would be? Well… that changes everything then. Then instead of a small circle of pain, my circle grows a bit bigger to include Sophia, and changes from pain to privilege. God has privileged Sarah and I to take care of this wonderful, special little girl. And as He always faithfully provides, He will give us his strength, wisdom and love in these difficult times, but it’s not just for us anymore. It’s also for Sophia.

Thriving in the storm

2013-04-29T09:57:00.001-05:00

This entire pregnancy has continued to be a roller coaster of emotions. I have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

The past few weeks were very challenging for me in many different ways. I was constantly fighting the feeling of fear, dread, and hopelessness as I thought about our baby girl. I just couldn’t stand to think that I could lose her at any moment.

In the same week we were writing out our birth plan, we had to meet with my parents to discuss funeral arrangements for her in case she doesn’t survive the delivery, or dies shortly after birth. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I’d have to deal with emotional situations like these. It’s almost impossible for your mind to prepare for the life and death of your child at the same time.

Sophia’s first “fancy dress” given to her by her Auntie Becca

At my 34 week ultrasound appointment the scan showed she hadn’t grown much since her 32 week appointment. I had made a goal for her to weigh 4 pounds by that appointment, and she was still far off from it. Unfortunately, I was at that appointment alone and I tried my hardest not to cry in front of the doctors. When I got home I was alone (Dave was at work still) and I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time. I was literally yelling out loud “Why, God, why? Why are you doing this to me? Why did this have to happen to my little girl? It’s not fair. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair…”

My body was shaking with sobs, so much to the point I was afraid I would put myself into early labor, so I managed to calm myself down.

The blanket on the bottom was made my Aunt Nancy, and the quilt on top was made by all the fabulous women at my baby shower in Chicago.

After Dave came home I told him the results of the ultrasound and he didn’t seemed fazed by them at all. I didn’t understand how he couldn’t be upset like I was. I asked him, and he simply told me that he didn’t put his faith or hope in something as inconclusive as an ultrasound scan. He told me that he wouldn’t give up all hope because of where a doctor placed two markers on a fuzzy picture of our baby and a computer calculated a weight. He knew that God was in control of Sophia’s life and that it really didn’t matter what doctors tell us or ultrasounds seem to show. God will have the final say, and only God knows what Sophia’s life will be like.

I was floored by how grounded he was and by his faith. He told me that although it’s great to have expectations and hopes for our baby girl, I can’t put all my faith in numbers and calculations. It wasn’t right that I was letting something like an ultrasound completely take away my faith and shake me to the core. That just showed that I was putting my faith in things and not in the Creator of all things. Needless to say I was convicted, and encouraged.

My mom made this polka dot changing table organizer that hangs on both sides of the dresser

As we went to bed that night we took out Sophia’s Bible like we usually do.

Side note: For the past month or so we’ve been reading through the Jesus Storybook, out loud, so that Sophia can hear the amazing truths about her Creator. It has been such an amazing experience for us, and I’m so glad we decided to do it. This children’s Bible is amazing! I would recommend it for every household, even if you don’t have children. The simplicity in which the stories are told is so refreshing, and every story, even if from the Old Testament, shows how it is pointing to Christ.

That night we happened to be reading the story about Jesus calming storm on the lake (from Mark 4 and Matthew 8).

The quilt was handmade by my dear friend Leah

Here is part of the story from the Jesus Storybook:

The storm blew the water into towering waves that hurled the little boat up, up, up—then sent it hurling, CRASHING back down, down, down! The fishing boat was blown and buffeted and tossed and turned—back and forth and up and down and left and right and round and round!

And in the middle of the storm, Jesus was sleeping.”

I stopped reading because it was a perfect illustration of how my life felt at that moment. My life felt like a boat right in the middle of a hurricane, and I felt most hurt because it seemed like Jesus was just sleeping. In the middle of my storm it was so hard to feel Him sometimes. And often I wondered, how can he sleep at a time like this?

But I read on:

But the storm wasn’t too big for Jesus. “HELP,” they screamed. “Wake up! Quick, Jesus!” Jesus opened His eyes. “Rescue us! Save us!” the shrieked. “Don’t you care?” (Of course Jesus cared, and this was the very reason he had come—to rescue them and to save them.) Jesus stood up and spoke to the storm.

“Hush!” he said. That’s all.

And then the strangest thing happened…

Winnie the Pooh was mine when I was a baby, and the bear was made by my friend Denise

Immediately the wind stopped. The water calmed down. It glittered innocently in the moonlight and lapped quietly against the side of the boat, as if nothing had happened. Then Jesus turned to his wind-torn friends. “Why were you scared?” he asked. “Did you forget who I Am? Did you believe your fears, instead of me?”

Jesus’ friends had been so afraid, they had only seen the big waves. They had forgotten that, if Jesus was with them, then they had nothing to be afraid of.

No matter how small their boat—or how big the storm.

Right then and there I knew that I had forgotten that Jesus was in the boat with me. That amongst all the tears, doubts, stresses, uncertainties, and fears Jesus had never left me. Even if I felt that He was sleeping, He was still there, and He was still in control. I had chosen to believe in my fears instead of the promises of His Word. I had been spending too much time staring at the ginormous tsunami-sized waves in front of me that I had totally forgotten that the One who created those waves was still with me.

And He was just waiting for me to acknowledge His presence.

Most of these books were mine as a little girl

That’s the amazing thing about God. He never leaves us or forsakes us, but at the same time He does not usually force His presence on us. He patiently waits for us to call out to Him, and He is right there. But still, we have to call out to Him.

I had been calling out to Him every night in prayer, but was not truly trusting in Him. I kept asking Him to give me a sign that she’s ok, when all I needed was to know that He is good.

These past few days my attitude and emotions have completely changed. I find that I am truly excited to go into labor and see my little girl (well ok, I’m not excited about the labor part, but I don’t think anyone is!) Instead of walking by her nursery and having tears well up in my eyes, I get a flutter in my stomach of nervous and anxious butterflies. I’ve packed a bag full of clothes for her to wear at the hospital, and have put up more decorations in her nursery.

God is giving me the strength and hope to prepare for her life.

Curtains I made for my little girl

The storm around me hasn’t gone away. We still don’t know how long she will live, or what physical condition she will be in at birth. The storm hasn’t gone away, no, but I am learning how to thrive in the storm and not tremble in it. I am learning to trust that even if Jesus is sleeping in the boat, He is still there. And even when it seems like the storm is at it’s worst and it’s too late for a rescue, all He has to do is speak one word and the seas will calm.

Sophia’s ultrasounds could show us the worst prognoses and it still wouldn’t be too late for her. Jesus could still choose to “calm the sea” right as she is being born. Or right after.

Or never at all. And He’d still be there with Dave and I, and our families, and He would still give us His grace which is sufficient for all things.

Lily the stuffed dog represents our real dog, Lily, whom we had to leave in the U.S.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and I know that so many of you love her too. I ask that you continue to pray for her, with urgency, as we quickly approach her delivery. Pray that she will be able to breathe on her own and that we would hear her beautiful cry when she comes out. Pray that she does not have Trisomy-13 and that her holoprosencephaly is the least severe kind.

My due date is May 26th, but of course she could come at any time. Dave or I will try and keep the blog updated with news of her arrival as we find time.

The banner was made by Auntie Rachel and reads “Cute As A Button” which was the theme of Sophia’s shower, and now her nursery.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.

-Psalm 107:28-30

Cute as a button!

*In case you couldn’t tell, these photos are all from Sophia’s nursery*

Babymoonin’ at the beach-part 2

2013-04-18T07:16:00.000-05:00

Check out part 1 here!

That first night at Oasis we were awakened to the loud sounds of thunder and an intense storm. It was setting the tone for the next day’s weather, unfortunately. Because it rained off and on the entire next day, we never made it back to the beach. But, after assessing our nasty sunburn we weren’t too upset about that.

Before lunch we just lazed around Oasis, which is easy to do. They have a room full of books, and it is generally a very quiet and peaceful atmosphere (although there were LOTS of children there the first day!).

We found a guitar so Dave was able to get in some quality playing time.

Love him!

They also have a huge trampoline that, in the past, I have had a great time with. However, the idea of a 33 week pregnant lady flying through the air didn’t seem to be such a great idea, so I stayed grounded.

After lunch, and after the rain subsided, we decided to drive around the area and take in some of the sights. First, we went to one of the few surfing beaches in the area.

Some of the surfers sort of looked like they knew what they were doing, but there were a few that just kept getting pounded by the waves. I felt really sorry for them!

Close by the beach was a grassy area that held an old army bunker. Dave was brave enough to actually go inside this old, overgrown, scary, cement dungeon. Of course he was armed with his flashlight!

All around the beach was this amazing plant called a “shy plant.” When you touched the leaves of the plant it would automatically wither away and look like it had died. But a few minutes later the leaves would open back up again. We had a great time stomping on them and watching them “die” only to see them “come alive” a few minutes later.

This is the plant, for all you botanists out there. Anyone know it’s real name?

After we left the surfing beach we went to a tourist destination known as “the windy place.” It is a huge cliff that overlooks the ocean and on most days is extremely windy. Hence the name “the windy place.”

Thankfully it wasn’t very windy that day because I was a little afraid of being blown off the edge of the cliff. I should have known my big ol’ belly would anchor me down. Still, I didn’t take any chances and stayed very far away from any edges.

Can you spot the water buffalo?

The view from the “windy place” is so breathtaking that it never gets old, no matter how many times you go (I had already been there a number of times during my previous trips to Taiwan). I love being able to take in the beauty of God’s creation!

Later that night we took advantage of the fact that my parent’s friends were staying at a nice resort with some awesome amenities. We tagged along as their “guests” and got to go bowling and Dave was able to do some indoor archery.

Here is ~~Katniss Everdeen~~ Dave getting ready to hit that bull’s eye!

And the final results?

To be truthful, most of the arrows were already very bent when he got them, so shooting accurately was next to impossible. He did get one bull’s eye, though!

Bowling while pregnant is definitely not easy. I was afraid of slipping on the floor and/or hurting my back by hurling a heavy ball. I’m not normally a “good” bowler, but with my pregnancy inhibitions I really stunk. Like a-gutter-ball-almost-every-time stunk. After 5 frames I just stopped and let Dave use my turns to “experiment” (i.e. bowl left handed).

As soon as I heard we were going to bowl I wanted to take this picture. His is bigger, but mine is the real deal!

The next morning we had to return to Kaohsiung early, due to fear of mass traffic jams. We arrived home safely, never once having been stuck in traffic.

So what is my opinion of a babymoon? I think it’s a great idea to get away one last time before your little one comes. I also think it’s very hard to sleep in any bed but your own when you’re 7 1/2 months pregnant, so take your vacation a little earlier if you can.

It’s so amazing to think that next time we pack our bags it will be to go to the hospital to meet our little girl!

PS: 99% of the photos in this post and in part 1 were all taken by Dave!

Babymoonin’ at the beach- part 1

2013-04-15T10:09:00.001-05:00

Last weekend Dave and I set out on our last vacation as a family of “two” before we become “three”--also known as the “babymoon.” Well, technically it was the “four” of us because we decided to invite our favorite double dating couple, my parents.

We just so happened to have 3 days off work, due to a national holiday, so it was the perfect time to go. Or so we thought.

You see, since we are teachers, the only vacation days we get are the same vacation days as the rest of the country. Which means everyone is trying to squeeze in a vacation at the same time, usually at the same 4 or 5 locations, one of which being our babymoon destination—Kenting.

And in case the national holiday didn’t increase the number of people in the small beach town enough, one of the largest music festivals in Taiwan just so happened to also be that weekend in the town. Sooo in order to avoid some massive traffic (part of the trip is only a 2-lane road), we left at 6. AM.

It only takes about 1 1/2 hours to get there, so we arrived right around 8:30 A.M. Of course our rooms weren’t ready to be moved in to yet, but thankfully the place we were staying let us leave all of our suitcases in the lobby. We changed into our swimsuits and then went snorkeling!

This is a little pier area (right next to the nuclear power plant—yikes!) where we snorkeled.

It was low tide by the time we got there, so we had to wade out a bit in our flippers before the water was high enough to swim in. Word to the wise: walking in flippers while pregnant is not a good idea.

After snorkeling for a bit, we went to our favorite beach in the Kenting area, White Sand Beach.

That’s my dad in his awesome beach hat.

Although it was only around 10 AM when we got there, the beach was already getting pretty crowded with umbrellas and tourists. Luckily we were able to snag an umbrella in a pretty prime spot.

If you’ve never been to Taiwan you must know that the large majority of people at the beach never actually go swimming. They sit under their umbrellas watching the ocean, or maybe their children play in the sand. They will occasionally go up to the water’s edge and get their feet wet, but that’s mostly it. So you can imagine the spectacle our American family can be with our brightly colored inner tubes and “let’s go ride some waves” mentality. The fact that I was pregnant was just icing on the cake.

The water was a bit cold at first, but once you got used to it, it felt great!

Oh, and I completely forgot the large groups of tourists who come to the beach just to take pictures. Of themselves. Lots and lots and lots of pictures of themselves. All throughout the day we got to witness lots of this:

Now it might not seem too strange to see people snapping a few quick shots at a beach in America, but these photo sessions literally would go on for 45 minutes at a time. I mean come on, how many pictures do you need to post on Facebook? Geesh!

We spent 4 hours at the beach, got thoroughly “sun kissed,” and decided it was time to head back to our “hotel”, called Oasis. It’s actually a missionary retreat center that is reserved for missionaries and their guests. It’s basically a big house with guest rooms in it. More of a B & B actually.

Each room has a country theme, and our room was the “Australia room.” If you’re wondering what the strange thing on the far bed is, it’s a pregnancy pillow. It has been a ~~life~~ back saver to me and it goes wherever I go. Dave and I affectionately refer to it as “the snake.”

After getting cleaned up and eating dinner, we headed out to a local tourist attraction—fire in the ground. It’s basically an area where natural gas and something else is coming up from the ground which causes natural flames to form. People go there just because it’s an interesting thing to look at, but also to cook food over the open flames and set off fireworks. Lots of fireworks.

It was the kind of place that would never be allowed/legal in the US. People were setting off bottle rockets and all sorts of fireworks left and right, in a relatively small area. We even saw a group of people trying to get a huge paper lantern to float in the sky.

Sorry for the blurry photo, but it was very dark outside!

The pyromaniac in Dave loved all of the fire, but I have to admit I was a little nervous the entire time with all the fireworks buzzing around our heads.

2 things about this picture:

1. The reason I look so tall is because I’m standing on a ledge and Dave is not

2. Read the sign. All of the things it mentions were definitely happening, and the fireworks and food are all sold by vendors in the parking lot.

Stay tuned for part 2 of our babymoon adventure!

30.5 weeks

2013-03-21T00:30:00.001-05:00

Today I had another doctor’s appointment with an ultrasound and I thought you all deserve an update on baby Sophia. First of all, her head continues to measure quite small, which our doctor said is normal for a baby with her “condition.” Basically, because some of her brain matter did not develop, her head size did not grow as a “normal” baby’s head would. The good news is that her body weight continues to increase! Today her estimated weight was around 1200 grams, or 2.6 pounds. That weight is on the small size of things, but is not far behind “normal” at all. Considering the estimated body weight is determined by head size and body length (and we already know her head is small) it’s pretty great that she’s staying closely on track with other “normal” babies.

Another bit of good news today was that she is now positioned “head down.” The last few appointments she has been breech, or “head up”, which would eliminate the possibility for me to have a normal vaginal birth. The fact that she is no longer breech (although she could flip around again, she is quite the mover and shaker!) is great not only for delivery purposes, but because most doctors consider a baby’s ability to rotate to the “head down” position as one of their first milestones. Many babies with brain defects are breech before birth because their brains simply aren’t telling them to turn upside down to get ready for birth. Her ability to move herself from breech to a normal position gives me great hope! Please keep praying that she stays in the “head down” position and that she will not move back to a breech position again.

The baby’s heart, lungs, kidneys, spine, arms, legs, and everything else from the neck down continues to look perfectly healthy. The doctor did note that my amniotic fluid seemed to be a little high (usually it’s always been normal.) She said this could be normal for a baby with Sophia’s “condition” because they can have trouble swallowing the fluid like a “normal” baby. But I told her that Sophia gets hiccups at least once or twice a day, so I believe she is drinking the fluid just fine.

Today we also discussed what kind of care we’d like the hospital staff to offer Sophia after she is born. Our doctor wanted to know just how many interventions we’d like them to offer her, and for how long. Since every part of Sophia (besides her brain and facial features) seems absolutely normal, we have every reason to believe she will survive after birth. The real big problem could be if her brain stem is underdeveloped and simply won’t tell her body to breathe on it’s own. As long as her brain is able to tell her body to breathe, she should be able to survive. So I told the doctor that we want the nurses and other doctors to treat her as if she was a “normal” child. We want them to do any interventions necessary that will help her live. If she is born and it becomes obvious that she simply won’t be able to breathe on her own (because of the brain’s defects) then we’ll have to make the decision on keeping her alive. But that’s a decision I pray we’ll never have to make. The doctor gave me the impression that the nurses and medical staff will in fact do whatever they can to help Sophia, and will treat her as any other baby that is born. That is such a HUGE answer to prayer since many babies in America like Sophia are treated as “not compatible with life” and therefore doctors do not want to offer any type of interventions to help save their lives.

I can just see God’s hand in everything related to Sophia. When we first got pregnant with her and found out about her problems I couldn’t understand why God was giving us all this at a time when we were preparing to move to another country. All I could think was that there was something in Taiwan that was going to be better for Sophia, and better for us, than what we could get in America. I’m beginning to think that it’s the attitude and compassion I’ve sensed from the doctors here. I used to absolutely dread going to see the doctors in America because they always seemed so cold and sure that our baby was just going to die. While in Taiwan I’ve experienced the absolute opposite and I know that this was all a part of God’s plan.

He is so so so good, guys! Even in the midst of dealing with a high risk pregnancy I can see His compassion and His love. He already knows how long Sophia will live. He already knows the exact day she will be born and if she will be delivered naturally or via C-section. He already knows what kind of nurses I will have and how the doctors will treat Sophia. He already knows it because He already planned it all out. All I have to do is sit back and trust in Him, which of course is much easier said than done. Lately I’ve been feeling very anxious about the labor and delivery, and what will come after, but I’ve felt God just reminding me to relax and trust Him. My worrying is not going to change His will. My worrying is not going to add one more second to Sophia’s life. Please pray that I will continue to trust in God more and more and to lean on Him for strength.

This week we’re finally going to start setting up her nursery. I’ll admit that I’ve been battling quite a bit with my decisions regarding her nursery. On one hand I want to be able to buy furniture, decorate, and set up her nursery with faith that she will come home from the hospital with us and eventually be able to live in that room. On the other hand I’ve been afraid to do any of that because it means there is a possibility that one day it will all have to be taken down and put away. I had to really think about what I’d be able to handle emotionally if she passes early on. I’ve decided that I am going to go ahead and buy some furniture and decorate some. We won’t buy a crib until after she’s born since we have a small baby bed/basket she’ll sleep in for the first month or two. I decided not to paint the nursery since it would be the only painted room in our house, and to me would just stick out as “Sophia’s room”. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone asking me down the line why that was the only room that was painted and having to explain that it used to be our baby’s room. I can’t bear the thought of having to repaint the room one day if she passes. I know it might seem strange, but that paint just seems like something I can’t deal with. I can have other people pack up her clothes and blankets and put them away so I can’t see them. But it’s a much bigger deal to ask them to repaint a room. I don’t know, to me I just can’t handle that.

So for now we’ll get enough furniture so I can wash and put away all of her new clothes and blankets, and I’ll add some semi-permanent decorations that will make it a sweet little girl’s room. Please pray for me as I go through this process of “nesting”. It’s usually a very special and exciting time for a mommy-to-be, but obviously I have to go through it with other possibilities in the back of my head.

Thanks again for all the prayers, friends. You are all awesome! I want you to know that even though sometimes it takes a while for me to answer comments/Facebook posts/emails I read each and everyone of them and they truly help carry me through this entire journey. God was so good in giving us the church family. We love you all!

To my sweet Sophia

2013-03-09T09:53:00.001-06:00

Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, Sophia, Sophia.

I love your name so much. I love you so much.

Baby girl, the longer I get to spend with you the harder it is to imagine losing you. We’ve been in this together for 29 weeks…203 days…4,872 hours. Every minute that I’ve known you were inside me has been like a wonderful dream come true. I prayed for you for so long, you finally came, and now I’m so afraid of losing you.

I don’t like to cry about you. I feel like it’s not good for you to hear me crying. I feel like I need to be a strong mommy for you, but sometimes it is just so hard.

Most days I don’t think about losing you. Most days I just hope and believe that you are going to be absolutely fine and I will be able to hold you one day. On those days I imagine what your soft skin will feel like and what your cry will sound like. I wonder if you will have my nose or you daddy’s nose, and whether or not you’ll have his eyes or a mixture of mine too. I imagine holding you, kissing you, singing to you our song…”How He Loves Us.” I can see us napping on the couch together, snuggling under a blanket, and just breathing in each other. On those days I am so excited to meet you.

But then I have moments where all that excitement and hope seems to be so far away, and I’m left with the intense sadness where I imagine coming home from the hospital with empty arms. That emptiness is the hardest part to imagine. I don’t want to think that one day I won’t be able to feel you in any capacity—either kicking me from inside or clinging to me from the outside. That emptiness seems so unbearable.

This journey that I’ve been on since we first heard the devastating news of your diagnosis has been such a rollercoaster ride. I’ve been in the lowest of lows, and then been lifted up by my Savior’s strong arms to the highest of highs. Now that my pregnancy seems to be so close to ending I start to see that I’m going to be transitioning to another season of my life very soon. I hope and pray with every ounce of my being that you will be in that season. I beg God that He will be merciful on your sweet body and will continue to allow you to live.

God has been so merciful to you so far, my sweet Sophia. Although your brain has not developed properly, so much of you has! Do you know how lucky you are to have a strong heart that has no defects? Do you know that many babies with your condition have kidneys that don’t function nearly as well as yours? The fact that you get the hiccups all the time proves to me that God is allowing you to “practice breathing” inside of me, something that some babies never do on their own. You don’t have any extra fingers or toes and your spine looks perfect. So much of you is so perfect and for that we have to thank God.

I do thank God for you. I thank Him that He chose me to be your mommy, because you are such a special girl. You are a girl that has already stolen the hearts of people everywhere and you were chosen to show this doubting world that miracles can happen and that there is a God who is Sovereign and in control. The fact that you are still alive and kicking shows just how good God is.

So Sophia, forgive me for the moments that I doubt you. Forgive me when I’m weak and don’t believe that God is going to be good to us, because He is good. Even if He chooses to take you to heaven right away, it’s all because He loves you and just wants extra time to spend with you.

For now I’ll just continue to cling to the hope that one day you will look into my eyes and know that I’m your mommy and will know just how much I love you.

I love you to forever and back.

-Mommy

So… what now?

2013-03-06T03:14:00.001-06:00

Man Cave Thoughts – 3/6/13

It’s been 1 year and 1 month since we made the decision to move to Taiwan, 4 months since we gave up our beloved dog, and 6 weeks since we landed here to start our new adventure in another country. I’ve had many different pictures of what our lives would be like once we got here. I imagined that as soon as we got here, we would each connect with new people in our neighborhood, establish these great new relationships, and dive right into starting new ministries. I anticipated that feeling of excitement as more and more people came to know Christ through what He would enable Sarah and I to do. And as I sit here on a Wednesday afternoon preparing to go teach an English class, I’m struck with an all too familiar feeling that I had while I was in the States. This feeling was what sparked our desire to reprioritize what we were doing and what eventually led us to move here. The feeling can be summed up in just a few words…

“Is this it?”

When job hunting and planning what we would do to support ourselves financially, we were mindful and intentional about how our jobs would impact the free time we would have for ministry work. The phrase that continually surfaced was, “We don’t want to trade our lives in the States for a Taiwan version.”, meaning our jobs shouldn’t take up most of our time here. God has been gracious in providing me with a job scheduled for around 29 hours per week, and Sarah with a part time position working around 12 hours. And though I haven’t started my full load yet, on paper, it’s still fewer hours than what I had in the States.

Job with reasonable hours for ministry opportunities: Check.

So now we’ve got the time to get started and jump right in… right? Not so fast buddy.

Let’s try and talk to our doorman to get to know him. That’s an opportunity right there. Or how about the dozens of tea shops around the corner? They all look pretty friendly and I’m buying their product. That’s an easy conversation starter! Oh oh! I know! Let’s frequent the ricebox restaurant down the street so we can get to know people there too!

Wait wait wait… let me look up on my phone how to order a drink… and how to say chicken rice with vegetables… and how to ask for a taxi… Do you see the problem? We don’t even have basic, 1st grade level Chinese to start building relationships. The only phrase which I have perfectly memorized is “Wo bu mingbai” which means, “I don’t understand.” Doing something simple like going to the local drug store to find ointment to treat a burn turned into a massive game of charades with two store employees. It’s been frustrating and discouraging at times. How can I share the life changing power of Jesus Christ to someone when I can barely order lunch?

These past few weeks, I’ve struggled with waiting and trusting: Waiting on God to show us what to do, and trusting that God will still be able to use us here despite our shortcomings and inabilities. I guess that’s partly why those feelings of “Is this it?” have resurfaced again. We’ve settled into our new place and started to get into a rhythm with our work schedules. And it would be so easy to just drift back into a complacent lifestyle with just a reversed schedule of work at night, play or lounge in the day. And since we’re English teachers, we don’t really need to learn Chinese for the sake of our jobs. So no push there. It’s an easy excuse to just turtle and play it safe.

An analogy comes to mind when I think about where we are in this adventure. I’ve been told that it’s like we’re in a car, and God is holding the steering wheel, but we are the ones working the gas and brake. You can say to God, “Sure! Take me anywhere, go ahead and lead me!”, but if your foot is always on the brake, you’ll never go anywhere. And I can’t use the language excuse to keep my foot on the brake. God has to continually remind me about how awesome He is and what He can do with or without me. So what if I can’t speak to the locals? He’s working in ways I can’t imagine. My job is just to keep pressing on the gas pedal. So while I’m waiting on the Lord for His specific direction, in light of our inabilities, we’re going to keep putting the pedal to the metal.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Chinese New Year and Lantern festival

2013-03-03T07:43:00.001-06:00

Hey all! Sorry it’s been awhile since I last posted. Dave and I have been pretty busy these past few weeks. We both started working, our shipment of boxes from America arrived, and we moved into our new apartment. We’re pretty much settled in, and are loving this place! I’m having fun finally getting the chance to decorate a home that I’ll actually be in for more than a few months, and I can’t wait to share pictures.

But first I wanted to share how we spent our first Chinese New Year in Taiwan.

Chinese New Year is a big deal in Taiwan. Well, in Eastern Asia in general. It’s like American Christmas and New Years all wrapped up into one big celebratory week. The week of Chinese New Year is really the only vacation time that most people here get, so as you can imagine, it kind of turns the whole country on it’s head. Besides the fact that most businesses are closed for about a week, over a billion people are traveling throughout Asia. That’s crazy! So unless you yourself are traveling, it’s advised to stay away from airports, train stations, subway stations, boats, etc.

It’s pretty much a madhouse.

We spent Chinese New Year in an actual Taiwanese home, out in the country, about 30 minutes from Kaohsiung. A woman from our church, Jennis, graciously invited my parents, Dave, and I to celebrate New Year’s Eve with her family with a traditional hot pot dinner.

Her family lives in a newer home that was built next to the old family homestead.

These are the old buildings, where the family used to live. Oh, and those are my awesome parents.

Jennis’ family are not Christians, and so earlier that day they had put food out on their family altar to honor their ancestors. This is very traditional and common during Chinese New Year, as well as throughout the year.

The architecture in the old house was so beautiful!

I loved seeing the old kitchen and the old doors. I really felt like I was back in time, in an older Taiwan.

Jennis’ parents own a small farm where they grow lots of fruits and vegetables, like pomegranates.

But besides all the food they grow, they also raise lots of these:

Pigs! And not just any pigs—some of the biggest pigs I’ve ever seen!

No, those are not small ponies, those are pigs! They were freakishly big I tell you. I had no idea a pig could grow to be so long.

In addition to the horse-pigs, they also had lots of sweet little piglets. They were so cute!

After we toured the pig pens, we washed our hands and got ready for dinner. Unfortunately I didn’t take any pictures of the meal, but it was definitely a huge feast. We had lots of laughs with her family, especially when my dad tried to teach her dad some English. He’s around 70 years old and doesn’t speak English at all, but my dad got him to repeat the phrase “my pigs are big!” He had no idea what he was really saying, but he kept repeating it with lots of enthusiasm which made us all completely lose it. It was seriously the funniest thing I’ve seen in awhile.

On a side note, there were some beautiful flowers growing right outside her house, and I couldn’t resist snagging a few shots of them:

After Chinese New Year is another 2-week festival, called Lantern Festival. It takes place on the Love River, which is conveniently not too far from where we live.

I was expecting to see lots of old school red paper lanterns, and maybe even see a mass releasing of lit lanterns into the air (like in Tangled) but I was very wrong. It was mostly a display of animatronic lanterns that had been created by different people in Kaohsiung. They were cool to look at, but I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to see what I was expecting.

Here are some of the lanterns we saw. You’ll notice a snake-theme going on—that’s because this is now the year of the snake!

In addition to the lanterns, a whole street was set up with cheesy backdrops for people to take pictures in front of. Dave “traveled” to the Middle East, which I opted for the more traditional, you guessed it, lantern scene.

Although I didn’t get to see lanterns being released into the sky, we did get to see a pretty spectacular fireworks show. Apparently they do the same show almost every night of the two-week festival, which seems pretty ridiculously expensive to me…

And no night out would not be complete without a sighting of Captain America’s dog:

So that’s recap of the last few weeks. We’re still loving living in Kaohsiung, and are still in awe of God’s goodness and grace to us each and everyday. Thank you all for your continued prayers!

Sophia’s Shower

2013-02-11T07:56:00.001-06:00

I can’t believe that over a month ago my wonderful friends and family threw Sophia and I a lovely baby shower. We were so crazy busy preparing for our move in January that I never got around to putting pictures up!

This shower was so special to me, for so many reasons. I mean, any expecting mom is excited to have a baby shower thrown for her and her baby-to-be. It’s a part of the pregnancy journey that doesn’t involve morning sickness, back aches, or labor pains. It’s just a wonderful time surrounded by loved ones and (hopefully!) great food too. So for that reason I was excited for my shower.

But this shower also meant something much more to me. It meant that for a few hours I could feel just like a “normal” mommy-to-be. I was able to put out of my mind the fact that my special daughter has some major complications with her health. I was able to forget that I most likely will never be able to throw her her own baby shower. I just got to enjoy being pregnant, being Sophia’s mom, and for that I am so, so grateful.

My sister, Rachel, was the main planner of the shower. And it’s important to note that my shower was held on January 5th, and she gave birth to her second son on January 2nd. Yes, as in 3 days before my shower was was in labor. She is an amazon woman, and I still can’t believe she was able to plan and prepare, let alone attend, my shower. I hope she realizes just how truly grateful I am for her hard work, especially considering the circumstances!

The theme was “Cute as a Button” which was chosen since I love all things crafty and sewing.

It’s kind of hard to tell from the bright window light, but the banner says “Cute as a Button” and was handmade by my sis!

And here were some of the adorable table decorations:

Instead of a lot of games, she set up two crafting stations:

Each person took a quilt square and wrote a message, bible verse, or quote on it. Some people even took the time to stitch patterns or flowers on the quilt squares. Then, my mom sewed all the squares together to make a beautiful quilt for Sophia that I know we both will cherish.

She also set up a headband making station (for Sophia). You can see some of that station in the above photographs too.

And of course, there was LOTS of yummy food!

Another great blessing was the fact that my mom and younger sister, Becca, were able to attend the shower. Considering my mom live(d) in another country, and Becca lives in Texas, it was pretty great they could be in Chicago for this wonderful night.

Mom, Rachel, baby Daniel (who was 3 days old), me, and Becca

Here are most of the wonderful women who blessed Sophia and I with such a wonderful shower:

And to top off the cuteness, here’s what each guest was able to bring home with them. Love!

Her Name

2013-02-06T17:41:00.001-06:00

We loved this name long before we ever got pregnant. After we found out it’s meaning, wisdom, we loved it even more. All throughout our pregnancy we’ve been praying for wisdom. We ask for wisdom in how to handle the tough decisions regarding her health, and we ask for wisdom on how to be good parents to her. We also ask that one day she would have wisdom herself—that her brain would be formed well enough so that she will have her own wisdom one day.

We are still deciding on a middle name, and we’ll probably share that once she is born. Until then, please remember our sweet Sophia in your prayers. Perhaps now that she’s more than just “baby girl” it will be easier for you to pray for her.

Once again we want to thank each and every one of you prayer warriors for all the prayers you’ve sent up to our Father on our behalf, and on Sophia’s behalf. The fact that she’s still kicking and alive inside of me is a testament to God’s grace and mercy, and we thank you taking time out of your day to pray.

God bless,

Dave and Sarah

(aka Daddy and Mommy)

So much, so fast!

2013-01-30T04:52:00.001-06:00

It seems almost unreal to say that we’ve been in Taiwan for just over a week. So, so much has happened in the last week. If I wasn’t here to witness it all, I might not even believe it myself!

But let’s back up a bit…

We got the the airport with about 15 pieces of luggage (we=me, Dave, my mom, and my dad) and all of them were overweight. For some reason our airline was weighing all carry-on items, and they couldn’t be over 7 kg—which is not a lot—and all of ours were. We did lots of shuffling, rearranging, and Dave even had to fill up a plastic bag with clothes and other items for his parents to bring to Taiwan later this year. Thankfully, by the grace of God and some very helpful airline employees, we were able to get on the plane without paying a single extra fee.

Here’s my last pregger photo in the US:

Once we arrived in Taiwan (around midnight last Tuesday night) we promptly went to bed, and then I was promptly woken up at 4:30 by a little monster known as “jet lag.” For the next 3 or 4 days Dave and I both battled jet lag, but I’m pretty sure we’re over it now. On Thursday we went to a cell phone store and experienced our first taste of the unbelievable Taiwan hospitality (and God’s blessing). Not only did we have a few fees waved, but the cell phone I picked out was given to me for free. We signed a 2-year contract which made our move feel a little bit more real and less like a vacation. We were also amazed at the differences in cell phone plan costs. In the US we were paying around $160 for our phones (for talk, text, and data) and here we are paying $60. Major difference.

Thursday afternoon we had our first interview with an English cram school or buxiban (pronounced bush-ee-bahn.) The interview went well and later we were called back to do teaching demonstrations which also went well. We are waiting to hear the final word about signing a contract, but I’m 98% sure the jobs are ours.

Last week we also went to a large outdoor market which sells massive quantities of fruits and vegetables for wholesale prices. (Dave wrote about the market in his first Man Cave post if you want a manly perspective.)

Can we just talk about the size of the green onions here? Take a look at the first two photos in the top left corner. Wowza! I also love the mountains of watermelons that divide the vegetable section from the fruit section. I wanted to climb up the side of them but I figured that kind of behavior might be frowned upon…even for a foreigner…

On Friday we started looking at potential apartments thanks to the help of our wonderful friends, Lawrance and Amanda. Lawrance is Taiwanese and Amanda speaks Mandarin so they made all the calls to set up the appointments and our chauffeurs—err my parents—drove us to each place. The first apartment we saw we absolutely LOVED, but it was out of our price range and did not include any appliances. We told the listing agent that if the landlord was willing to come down in price we’d be interested, but she told us that this property was already a good value for the area and would likely be rented fast.

The excitement from the first apartment was quickly forgotten as we looked at several more, hmm how shall I say it, “less desirable” (aka frightening) places. We couldn’t help comparing everything to the first apartment, but again didn’t feel we had a chance in renting it. On Saturday our friend Amanda called and told us that the landlord from the first apartment was willing to get us a hot water heater and a refrigerator, and she believed she could talk the landlord down to the price we wanted. Um, WHAT??? Why would the landlord do that? The agent told us that several other people were interested in the property, and yet she was giving us a deal??? It was such an awesome God thing! We had two other properties to view on Saturday, which were ok, but we still knew that we wanted the first place. We told the agent that if the landlord was willing to come down to our price level that we would take it.

And guess what? She accepted! Last night (Tuesday) we signed a 2 year lease on an apartment we absolutely love, just shy of a week after arriving in Taiwan. Wow. When God answers prayers quickly it’s pretty overwhelming and awesome.

Here are some pictures of our new place:

Here’s a shot from down the street-- quintessential Asia:

The view from the front door looking into the living room towards balcony doors (terrible lighting is this picture, it’s actually very bright!):

View from balcony doors facing living room:

Hallway shot, hopefully you can visualize where all the rooms are:

I couldn’t take a picture of the kitchen since my mom had blocked the doorway with our *almost* new fridge. She and my dad are cleaning rock stars! They cleaned both bathrooms and all the floors in the whole apartment while we were gone. Believe me, the floors (if you can’t tell from the pictures) were NASTY!

Here is our balcony looking from right to left:

And the view from left to right:

One of the great things about this apartment is that we have a mountain view from the balcony and 2 of the bedrooms:

In addition to the balcony, the 12th floor also has a special outdoor area that is just for us and the other family on our floor. I didn’t take a picture of it, but it’s awesome for drying clothes or even having a dinner party. Oh, and we can use the rooftop for parties/star gazing (when pollution doesn’t cloud the sky).

So, what do you think? We love this apartment and can’t wait until we start getting furniture and for our shipped pallet of goodies to arrive from the US (scheduled for February 22nd).

So in one week God provided cell phones, an apartment, *almost* a job, and one more thing.

Yesterday (Tuesday) we went to see a pediatric geneticist at Kaohsiung Medical Hospital. We had sent her our latest ultrasound results, and to be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to seeing her. I was tired of going to see doctors and hearing devastating news with no hope or compassion offered. As soon as we got into the room with her I knew things were going to be different. She greeted us with a smile, friendly handshake, and she began to speak in English. We had a translator who came with us, but she was never needed. The doctor spoke English very well and went through the ultrasound report with us. She didn’t sugarcoat anything, but offered everything in compassion and love. She told me that nothing was certain since we were just using ultrasounds, and for me not to worry but to enjoy my baby. She said that when our little girl is delivered she will make sure that she gets all the special care she needs and that she’ll make sure to have a team of qualified doctors on hand. She even gave us her personal cell phone number in case I ever wanted to talk to her. Praise God! I had to keep myself from crying/reaching out and hugging her during most of the appointment. I really felt that God had answered my prayer of providing a qualified, and compassionate doctor for our precious baby. She also got me an appointment with a well-qualified OBGYN for tomorrow. This OBGYN not only speaks perfect English, but she is a female, which is very rare in Taiwan.

When we got home from the hospital I went into my room and just fell on my knees. God has been so, so good to us since we got here and I feel so undeserving of all these blessings. I just thanked Him over and over and praised Him for all that He has done and all that He will do for us. We definitely feel His presence and peace with us each and everyday, and that’s all that we could ever ask for!

Differences

2013-01-25T21:33:00.001-06:00

Man Cave – Week 1 [1.26.13]

If you’ve been keeping up with my wife’s posts, you know that we have embarked on a new adventure to Taiwan. Starting a new life in a different country isn’t something you can be fully prepared for, and though we are truly blessed to have Sarah’s parents guiding us through the transition, it can still be a scary experience. For me, the biggest change is the language. Since I grew up with traditional Chinese parents, some of the cultural differences aren’t much of a surprise, but it’s amazing how helpless you feel when you can’t even communicate your basic needs. What’s worse is that I look like everyone here, so when someone starts speaking to me in Mandarin and I have a blank stare on my face, they response with a look of confusion. That is until I point to myself, say “meiguo ren” (which means American), and hang my head in shame. Praise the Lord for Google translate on my phone. Aside from this, it’s been a fun experience noticing the differences.

Without diving too deep into the male stereotype that is so aptly put in the phrase, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, I thought I’d share the differences in food that I’ve noticed here.

Portion sizes here are a bit different… in a good way. The stuff that’s the greasiest seems to be smallest… (notice the “mini egg burrito” thing compared to the Costco muffin)

…while the things that are the healthiest, are HUGE.

Here is a local fresh food market. This is where stores will usually go to get their produce. Enormous selection and low low prices.

I’m not sure what to think about theses flavor selections. Seafood, Chicken, or Seaweed… uh… do you have Cool Ranch please???

Stay turned for more testosterone loaded fun from The Man Cave.

Even if the healing doesn’t come

2013-01-20T22:46:00.001-06:00

Hello friends,

I know that many of you have been anxiously awaiting news of our doctor appointment yesterday, and I’ve been trying to carve out time to write this post.

We’re moving to Taiwan tomorrow, and even as I type the words it doesn’t seem to be real. We’ve sold our cars, furniture, and taken countless trips to donation centers. Our entire living space has nothing in it except for an air mattress and multiple suitcases lined up against the wall. They’re all bulging at the seams and ready to be taken to the airport where they’ll (fingers crossed) weight in at exactly 50 pounds.

Even as I type this post I’m sitting on the floor leaned up against the wall (which I’m finding is harder and harder to do the more pregnant I become). And despite all of the obvious signs that point to the fact we no longer live here, it still doesn’t feel real. I think it’s because we’ve been so distracted with all of the concerns with our little girl.

So here’s a recap of our appointment this past Friday:

Before going in, I was told by Dave that the doctor is known for being very straight forward and not sugar coating things. He is a Christian doctor, but still Dave prepared me for the fact that he wouldn’t be taking my hand and delivering any potential bad news caringly.

We had to wait an extra hour to get in since he was behind with some other patients, so Dave and I were able to go to the new Green Tomato Café at Lawndale and enjoy a delicious lunch together. I wasn’t nervous or anxious at all, praise God! Just knowing that I didn’t have to ever go back again to the awful hospital where I’d had all my ultrasounds made me feel much more at ease.

When we finally saw the doctor he basically just started rattling things off of the ultrasound report he had in front of him.

Heart looks great (yay!)
Kidneys look great (yay!)
Legs, feet, and toes are all normal (yay!)
Hands, fingers, and arms are good to go (yes!)
Spine looks normal (yay!)
Abdomen is fine (yes!)
Baby’s weight and body size are nice and normal (14 oz.)
No nasal bone visualized (we knew this already, but still hard to hear no change)
Head is measuring 3 weeks behind the body (something new to use, but he said it’s typical with holoprosencephaly)
Eyes appear to be closer together than normal (new to us)
Cleft lip and palate (fixable by surgery, but still devastating I’ll probably never be able to nurse her)

And then we started talking about her brain, which we knew was where most of the problems were. During our last ultrasound (6 weeks prior) they showed us an image where the back part of her brain appeared to be missing. At that time they believed she had a form of holoprosencephaly (HPE) that is called semi-lobar. There are 3 types of HPE: lobar (least severe), semi-lobar (middle severity), and alobar (most severe). When we were originally told it might be semi-lobar I could at least rejoice in the fact that she didn’t have the most severe kind. However, after the latest ultrasound he told us they believe she has alobar HPE, the most severe form. I hadn’t cried in the appointment up to that point, but after hearing that my baby could have the most severe form of an already devastating condition made me lose it. I really didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring down my cheeks. He gave me a few tissues and it was quiet in the room for awhile. I just kept trying to focus on Christ, my refuge, but all I could picture was my little girl being taken from my arms way too soon.

Another devastating thing he told us was that these type of chromosomal disorders (the ultrasound report again stated their belief she has Trisomy-13) come with a very high risk of stillbirth. He told me that it’s a possibility that one day I’ll wake up and she just won’t be kicking or moving anymore. Again, uncontrollable tears. I’ve always been so proud of the fact that I’ve been able to feel her since 16 weeks. Her little movements have always seemed to be her way of saying “hey mom, I’m still ok in here.” So to hear that out of the blue, for no known reason, one day those movements might, stop just broke my heart.

An encouraging thing he told us was that because from the head down she is relatively completely healthy, as long as I’m able to carry her to full term, there’s a good chance she will be born crying and alive. That gave me a lot of hope.

After the visit we were both really shaken and really upset. When we got in the car, the first song that came on the radio was “Need You Now” by Plumb, which has been closely tied to our journey with our baby. Hearing that song brought even more tears to my eyes, and I was afraid it wasn’t safe for me to be driving. However, the next song was “Amazing Love” which immediately snapped me out of my tearful state. Through that song my situation was really put into perspective. Life is so much more than me and my situation. The whole reason we’re here is to know God and to show His love to others and no matter what happens with our baby, those truths will never change.

To end this post I want to bring one more song into play. Music is a huge part of my life, and it has such an emotional effect on me. My sister brought the following song to my attention and it fits in perfectly with our situation: “Even If” by Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise
Even if the healing doesn’t come

I’ll admit that when I first heard this song, I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to have to ever think that healing wouldn’t come. But now I feel God is changing my heart. I still believe He can work a miracle, but there is a chance that He will choose not to. And I have to prepare myself to be OK with that and to realize that He is still good, even though I don’t understand.

Thank you all again for your faithful prayers and support. Our baby girl feels all of your love, and so do we.

Signing off from America for the last time in awhile,

Sarah

Taking Refuge

2013-01-17T18:02:00.001-06:00

The ultrasound:

Today we went in for baby girl’s 4th ultrasound. They decided to do a “level 2” ultrasound to get some clearer pictures, and to try to get some clear images of her face and brain which seem to be where the biggest concern is.

Last night I was spending time in prayer for her and realized that I have a hard time believing that God really hears my prayers sometimes. Sometimes after I pray for her I’ll think “oh, did I say ‘in Jesus’ name’?” or “maybe I didn’t pray clearly enough, I should do it again” and I will pray the same prayer over again. The Holy Spirit convicted me that by doing this I am taking an Almighty God and reducing Him down to nothing more than an old man who may or may not have hearing problems and/or needs to be spoken to very carefully in order to understand things. This is not my God! No matter how much I fumble through a prayer, He knows the words before I even say them. He knows what’s in my heart, and He knows exactly what my desires are.

I wrote that all to say that instead of my usual broken record prayer, I simply prayed “may Your will be done, and may You give my peace in Your will.” This led to a much calmer experience for me during the ultrasound. I was also so encouraged by a book my dear friend Susanne gave me, called Jesus Today. It’s basically a daily devotion that is written from the perspective of Jesus writing to you, along side of scripture. While I was in the waiting room for the ultrasound I read the pages of this book and felt an immense peace.

On entry I really loved:

When you trust in Me, you take refuge in Me. So trusting Me is much more than a matter of your words; it is mainly a matter of your will. As you go through this day, you will encounter many things that can make you anxious, including some of your thoughts. If you don’t stay alert, anxious feelings can slip into your day without your noticing them. When this happens, you may wonder why you suddenly start to feel bad. Usually, you just ignore those feelings. Or you may try to numb them with food, drink, television, gossip, or other distractions. How much better it is to “catch” the worry-thoughts before they take hold of you. That is why I say, “Be on the alert!” If you are watchful and alert, you can choose to take refuge in Me whenever anxiety comes at you. A refuge is a place that provides protection or shelter: a safe haven. It is something you turn to for help, relief, or escape. I am eager to be your Refuge, and I am with you at all times. Nonetheless, you must exert your will by turning to Me for help. Thus, you make Me your refuge, demonstrating your trust in Me. Blessed-happy, to be envied—is the one who takes refuge in Me.

I was really captured by the word “refuge” and began to really think about what that means. For me it was creating a physical place in my imagination where I go to be with Christ. And I certainly took refuge in Him many times during the appointment.

The ultrasound started off normally, except this time I wasn’t filled with worry. I just lay there staring at the ceiling (I can’t see the monitor with the ultrasound on it, boo for our hospital!) imagining holding our baby on my chest. I imagined what her cheeks felt like, and her back, and her chubby little legs. I just fixed my thoughts on what it would be like to hold my baby and enjoyed the numerous kicks I was feeling (she was trying to kick away the ultrasound probe I think).

After about 20 minutes, the ultrasound tech said she wanted to get her supervisor because she was having trouble getting good images of the baby’s face and brain. NO SURPISE for us! Every single ultrasound we’ve had, she has been hiding or covering her face. And the last ultrasound they had to bring in the supervisor as well. I just sort of chuckled to myself and thought “that’s my girl.” Dave told me that when the tech would put the probe over the baby’s face she would turn away, and when she moved the probe to the other side of her face, she’d turn away again.

When the supervisor came in she continued the anatomy scan, and even turned the monitor so I could see a bit of the ultrasound—yay! We saw her heart and all 4 chambers working. We saw her kidneys and were told they were normal. She said that that baby’s hands and fingers were good and so were her legs and feet (no club feet!). We also saw the spine and abdomen and were told that all was well.

She started trying to see the baby’s face and brain and then suddenly told the technician “page Dr. So-and-so.” Dave and I kind of looked at each other with confusion and he asked her if anything was wrong. The supervisor told us she wanted a doctor to look at the results. I quickly figured out that she was referring to the same issues with the brain and face we knew about and that there probably hadn’t been any change.

I started to worry and feel anxious, but was reminded about taking refuge in Him. So I imagined a place where I could go and just sit at Jesus’ feet. I blocked out the sounds and people around me and just imagined that I was with Him, talking to Him, and sharing my fears with Him. As I was envisioning this my little girl suddenly came into my imagination. She was probably 3 or 4 years old and had curly pigtails in her hair. She sat next to me at Jesus’ feet and I began to tell her how special she was. I told her that so many people cared about her and prayed for her even before she was born. I told her that God loved her so much that He saved her life even when the doctors told us she would die, and He did it all so that one day she would know His love.

I know it sounds crazy, but this was all playing out in my head like it was real, and I felt complete peace.

When the doctor finally came in (yes, this was a party of 3 now) they all stood around looking at the screen mumbling things to each other. It really bothered me how they talked like I couldn’t hear them, and didn’t address me directly. They kept saying how they couldn’t get a clear view of her face (she was facing my back) but them would throw out terms like “cleft lip and palate”, “no nasal bone”, and “central holoprosencephaly.”

I know that all those things should have scared me, but Ephesians 3:20 kept playing on repeat in my head: “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” I have asked God to give our baby life, and He is able to to exceedingly abundantly more than that! So basically as the doctors piled on different possible negative conditions I just thought, “Bring it on—just more for my God to heal and display His power. I can honestly tell you that I didn’t feel the least bit scared, nervous, anxious, or upset. I just felt peace and hope.

Tomorrow we have a follow-up visit with the doctor who, thankfully, is a Christian. I know that I won’t be bullied into aborting our little girl, or shamed for wanting to continue with the pregnancy. I know that he will be straight forward and honest with us, and I appreciate that. But I still keep thinking that the doctors don’t have the final say in our daughter’s life. Only God does. They can tell me anything they like, but until she is born God can still work a miracle. Or even if she is born with special needs, He can still choose to give her a long life.

As long as God is there, there is always hope.

Taking the Plunge: Reflections on a New Year

2013-01-01T12:06:00.001-06:00

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that you all had a fun-filled and safe New Year’s Eve celebration…I’m sure it was a bit more eventful than ours. We have a house full of sick people, so no games were played or crazy videos made (a Miller tradition), just a quiet night watching two movies.

As many people do, I wanted to take time to reflect on the past year and look forward to the year to come.

2012 was a year of tremendous growth and change for Dave and I, and 2013 promises to hold even more change and growth.

In the past year we:

Decided to move to Kaohsiung, Taiwan (read more on that here).
Sold most of our earthly possessions and moved into my sister’s home
Quit our jobs: Dave worked for the same wonderful non-profit organization for 4 years, and I had been teaching for 6 years
Had to say goodbye to our beloved dog, Lily, whom we rescued from a shelter, nursed her back to health, and enjoyed for the past 2 years
Struggled with months of infertility (more on that here)
Found out in August that we were expecting a beautiful baby (girl!)
Found out in November that our daughter may have a devastating chromosomal disorder called Trisomy-13 (more on that here)

I can honestly say I did not expect any of the events of the last year to happen. With each new change or hardship that arose I had to make a choice: freak out, or rely on God’s sovereignty. I wish I could say that I always chose the latter, but I did not. In the beginning of 2012 I definitely was relying too much on my own strength, on “signs”, and on what others said to me. But as God often does, He has used each of the bullet points listed above to strengthen my faith in Him, and draw me closer to Him.

Looking back on those bullet points I can now see how God was there in each situation, even though it didn’t always seem that way when I was in the thick of them. And it’s because of the assurance I have in a God that never changes that I can look to 2013 with courage and excitement.

In less than 3 weeks Dave and I will get on a plane to Taiwan (with a one-way ticket) and say goodbye to all that we have known for so long. There have been some people in our lives who have doubted our decision, especially with the recent news of our baby, but we are continuing on this journey anyways. Perhaps you are wondering the same thing: why would they move to a new country, quit their jobs, sell their things, and leave their family and friends?

Well, let me try and enlighten you. This past year my parents gave each of us kids a book called Radical by David Platt, and I can honestly say that it helped change my perspective on Christianity, especially “American" Christianity. Here are some quotes from the book that will help you understand our perspective in choosing to go to Taiwan. I encourage you to really read these, and not just skip over them!

"We were settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves"

"But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church building to sing and lift up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves"

"The dangerous assumption we unknowingly accept in the American dream is that our greatest asset is our own ability. The American dream prizes what people can accomplish when they believe in themselves and trust in themselves, and we are drawn toward such thinking. But the gospel has different priorities. The gospel beckons us to die to ourselves and to believe in God and to trust in His power. In the gospel, God confronts us with our utter inability to accomplish anything of value apart from Him. This is what Jesus meant when He said, 'I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can nothing’ “

"This is how God works. He puts people in positions where they are desperate for His power, and then He shows His provision in ways that display His greatness"

"God blesses His people with extravagant grace so they might extend His extravagant glory to all peoples on the earth"

"Whereas disinfecting Christians involves isolating them and teaching them to be good, discipling Christians involves propelling Christians into the world to risk their lives for the sake of others. Now the world is our focus, and we gauge success in the church not on the hundreds or thousands whom we can get into our buildings but on the hundreds or thousands who are leaving our buildings to take on the world with the disciples they are making"

"The way we use our money is a barometer of our present spiritual condition. Our neglect of the poor illustrates much about where our hearts lie. But even more than that, the way we use our money is an indicator of our eternal destination. The mark of Christ followers is that their hearts are in heaven and their treasures are spent there"

And of course, above this wonderful book, is The Book where ultimate authority comes from.

Matthew 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

Ezekiel 36:22-23 "This is what the Sovereign Lord says: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone. I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Sovereign Lord, when I show myself holy through you before their eyes"

For Dave and I we couldn’t read those words and then go about leading our simple lives, working to gain money just to spend on ourselves, and ignoring what is really going on around us. I understand that God doesn’t call all of us to pack up and move to another country, but He does require sacrifice of us all.

So, that is why we are “taking the plunge” and jumping into an unfamiliar country with unfamiliar language, food, culture, customs, and people.

Looking towards the next year I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a bit afraid. I’m scared to be in the unfamiliar. I’m scared to give birth to a (possibly) very sick baby in a hospital in a foreign country. But I take refuge in my God, the same God who brought us through 2012 and will continue to carry us through all He has in store for us this year. That’s the wonderful thing about being a child of a Sovereign God: there are no surprises for Him. He will never be caught off guard or overwhelmed by the circumstances in our life, He will simply carry us through them.

I want to end this post with a couple verses that I hope will encourage you for the new year. Thank you all for your support and prayers in the last year, and I ask you do not forget the Ly family in 2013.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:6 and 8

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Knowing she’s really there

2012-12-21T13:46:00.001-06:00

Dear baby girl,

Last night I felt you kick for the first time. And then you did it again, and then again. I’ve been feeling little flutters and tickles off and on for the last week and a half, but last night was the first time you gave me a real kick.

It was so amazing.

You usually like to move around at night, so I had been waiting all day to feel you. It was really late (around 1 in the morning!) but I just had a feeling you’d be moving that night. I was watching “Pocahontas” (yes, your mommy has really random taste in movies), and then all of a sudden there you were!

It was such a strong movement for such a little girl, but I know it’s because you’re a fighter.

I just sat there in bed, not wanting to move.

Because in that moment, baby girl, I knew you were OK. I knew in that moment that you were alive and strong and I didn’t want the moment to end.

It’s so hard being your mommy sometimes. I don’t know how to love you. I want to love you with every last bit of me, but I’m so afraid of giving you that love and then losing you. I’m so afraid of how much it would hurt.

I hate that when I buy you sweet little outfits I always have a voice in the back of my head that says “I wonder if she’ll even get to wear this.”

But do you now what’s even scarier than the thought of loving you and losing you? The idea that I wouldn’t allow myself to absolutely and completely love you for the next five months, and then after seeing your precious face feel so much regret. That is far worse than loving and losing you.

So my sweet baby I am choosing to love you with everything that I am. I am choosing to believe that you will live and that I’ll be able to love you outside of my tummy. I choose to believe that God will be merciful on your precious body and will give me the opportunity to pour out all the love I’ve been storing up out on you one day.

For you darling girl are not a mistake. God didn’t “mess up” when He was creating you, and He loves you so, so much.

I love to sing “How He loves us” to you, do you hear me?

I hope you know that God loves you so much more than even I do.

This is what the Word says about you:

¹³For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

So do you see, baby girl? God sees you, He purposefully made you the way you are, and you are perfect to Him. My prayer for you is that one day you will come to know the love of God in a deeply personal way, and will know that He is your hero and will never fail you.

I pray for your healing everyday. I pray that He will work a miracle in you that the doctors can never explain, and that the miracle will point others to Him. Baby girl, God’s already using you to bless people’s lives! That’s how I know how special you are, and it encourages me that He has a great plan for your life.

I love you, and look forward to feeling you again tonight!

Love, Mommy

Sugar and spice and everything nice…

2012-12-15T23:10:00.001-06:00

Dave and I are so excited to announce that

IT’S…………………………………..A…………………………………………….

When your world is shaken…

2012-12-08T21:24:00.001-06:00

I’ve been keeping this blog a few weeks behind “real time” regarding our baby. I was late in announcing our pregnancy (in the blog) and so I’ve had one set of updates on the blog and one set of (real time) updates on my personal facebook page. Now I’m going to try and just get the two in sync.

Here’s a quick catch up for my blog friends:

When I was 12 weeks (four weeks ago) I went in for an ultrasound to do a screening for Down’s Syndrome. Basically they measure the back of the baby’s neck, give you a blood test, and then give you a percentage for your child’s risk. During that ultrasound we saw the baby moving, stretching, and we believed everything was just fine.

That next week I went in to see my midwife for my usual 4 week check-up, and to get the results of the Down’s Syndrome test. Dave works at the same clinic my midwife is in, so he’d been able to come to all my appointments. However, he wasn’t going to come to this particular one. So when he showed up with the midwife (because she had called him and asked him to come in) I had my first suspicion that something was wrong.

She told us that the ultrasound had shown some abnormalities in the baby’s brain and face. She said the ultrasound wasn’t conclusive and that we’d need to go in for another ultrasound in two weeks and see a high risk pregnancy doctor. Of course we were completely devastated, but since there were no conclusive results I still had great hope that everything would be fine.

I shared the news with friends and family so they could be praying for our baby, and the two weeks waiting for the next ultrasound were filled with so much peace! I know it was the peace that only comes from God. I am not an emotionally strong person at all! I cry at the smallest things, especially now that I’m pregnant! However, I only cried twice during those two weeks, and I was able to tell people without getting choked up. That my friends is strength that only comes from the Lord!

And here’s where we are now:

This past Thursday we went in for the second ultrasound. Again we saw our baby alive, kicking, moving, and even hiccupping! They were doing a full anatomy scan, which is usually done after 20 weeks, so the ultrasound technician was looking at all parts of the baby. Our tech actually called her supervisor in to do the ultrasound, which freaked me out initially, but I think she might have just been new. As the supervisor saw the various parts of the body she would point them out to the other ultrasound technician so I got to hear snippets of “this is the foot bone”, “this is the spine”, “the spine looks good”, etc. I was so hopeful that everything was going to be just fine. Then I heard her say that they could not see a nasal bone. That was one of the things they had told us after the 12 week ultrasound, and one thing I had been praying for specifically. I also heard her say “cleft lip.” I didn’t hear her say anything about the brain, but she seemed to mention good things about the heart and the kidneys.

When we left the ultrasound I was saddened to hear our baby might have a cleft lip and perhaps a nasal deformity, but those are cosmetic things that can be fixed.

The next day (yesterday) we went in to hear the results from the ultrasound from the high risk pregnancy doctor. Unfortunately it took the doctor 2 hours to show up, so first we met with a resident. She had results from the ultrasound on a piece of paper and quickly rattled off the good things they saw and the bad. She said they weren’t able to see the nasal bone, and they also saw that the occipital lobe (the rear part of the brain) hadn’t filled out, which is a condition called holoprosencephaly. She said these are all markers for a chromosomal disorder. However she said that ultrasounds always have a margin of error and are not conclusive, only an amniocentesis would tell us 100% if there is a chromosomal problem. For me that was encouraging news.

She then went on to tell us that we would first need to decide if we want to keep the baby if there is a defect. I told her that we do want to keep the baby no matter what. She quickly responded telling me that we shouldn’t decide that so quickly and need to make an informed decision. She said that we wouldn’t want to bring a child in this world and make them suffer. This made me so angry! I felt like she was trying to guilt me into aborting a child that we don’t even know is sick. And regardless of whether the baby is or not, we will love it as long as God allows it to live.

So, we left the exam room and went to the waiting room to wait for an hour and a half. It was such an excruciating wait! Each minute that passed I seemed to get more and more nervous. I kept praying over and over for the Lord to give me peace and to heal our baby.

Finally the doctor showed up and we went in to see him. He pulled up the images from our ultrasound and told us he would go through each image and explain their concerns. I remember him saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” and then he began with the brain.

There it was, right in front of me. A picture of my precious baby’s brain, with a large part of the back completely black. He said they whole skull should be filled with brain matter, but the back part was just fluid. It was one thing for them to tell me this with a lab report in hand. It was another to see it for myself. I was absolutely devastated. Image after image he showed us of the brain, the same thing.

Then he showed us some profile shots of the baby’s face and the flat characteristic of the profile. You couldn’t see the silhouette of a nasal bone at all.

He told us that all these markers point to what is called trisomy-13. It is similar to trisomy-21, or Down’s Syndrome, except the extra chromosome is at the 13th pair. He said that out of the three trisomy disorders (trisomy-13, trisomy-18, and trisomy-21) that trisomy-13 was by far the most severe and devastating. He said that infants born with this suffer from severe facial defects, limited motor capabilities, and most die within their first year of life. He said even then most of their life is spend in a vegetative state.

At this point I couldn’t keep my emotions any longer—I just began to weep. I just kept thinking about my sweet baby and the possibility that I’d never get to hold it alive at all. I thought about how my baby will never be able to call me “mommy” or learn to walk.

He again reiterated that ultrasounds cannot be conclusive, but based on what he saw he gave us an 80% chance that the baby does in fact have trisomy-13.

Since we won’t terminate the pregnancy no matter the circumstance, he told us there really is no point in getting the amniocentesis unless we want it for our own peace of mind. We have decided not to get the amnio since it puts me and the baby at unnecessary risk and the results won’t change our decision to keep the baby and love it. Instead we’re going to continue on with the pregnancy praying for a miracle, asking God to prepare us to be good parents for the type of baby He has planned for us to have.

I know He has a sovereign plan for our lives and for this precious baby’s life. Although I don’t understand why this is happening to us, I have to believe that it will ultimately bring Him glory and will bring us closer to Him. I also believe that He will give us enough grace for each day and for each situation that comes up. That’s really all I can cling to right now.

So my dear friends I ask that you pray. Pray for our dear sweet baby. Pray that God will heal the baby. And if it’s not His will to heal the baby completely, pray that the baby will have a milder form of trisomy-13. There are children with trisomy-13 who live well past the age of 1! Please pray for Dave and I that we will have strength to endure the remainder of the pregnancy with faith and hope. Also pray for us this week specifically since we have to say goodbye to our beloved dog Lily and give her to her new owner.

I’ll be honest—at times I feel I’m at the bottom of a mountain and there is an emotional avalanche collapsing on me. Between getting ready to move to another country, having to give up our dog, and now facing the challenges with our baby I think I can’t handle it all. But then there’s always the still small voice of Jesus whispering to me “You’re not alone. I’m here with you and I love you.”

It’s truly only the love of Christ that will get us through this!

God’s faithfulness through infertility

2012-12-06T20:37:00.001-06:00

As I announced last week, Dave and I are expecting our first child! Baby Ly is tentatively scheduled to arrive on May 26, and we couldn’t be more excited.

For us, getting pregnant was not an easy task.

It was a journey filled with let downs, heartbreak, many cries on my dog (she is a great comforter), but also growth, peace, and eventually happiness. When I look back on the last 2 1/2 years I can see how God was with us the entire time, and how He was just waiting for us to trust in His perfect timing.

I want to write this to encourage and give hope to all those couples out there who are dealing with infertility issues. I want to share my story to let you know that there is always hope and that all things are possible with God. And although I don’t know God’s plan for life specifically, and I don’t know if He will bless you with a child, I can promise that if you trust Him He will fill your life with more joy and peace that you could ever imagine.

Here’s our story: (oh, and just to warn all my male readers, I’ll be sharing some personal girly things- just so you know)

When I was about 23 years old I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, or better know as PCOS. The diagnosis came after multiple trips to multiple doctors and some painful symptoms. I had so many cysts that they were pushing on nerves and causing terrible leg pain. Another tell tale sign of my PCOS was the fact that I had never had a regular period, or been able to have a period without medication (from the end of high school on). The doctors said my lack of periods could be causing the cysts to pile up, which was causing my pain.

The doctor put me on birth control in order to make me menstruate each month, and I stayed on it until Dave and I were married in 2010. When we got married we had planned to wait a year or two before “trying” to have kids. That was our plan, but God soon let me know He had another plan for us.

About three months after we were married I called my OBGYN to refill my birth control prescription, and I got an overwhelming sense that I was doing something wrong. I can’t explain it really, I was just being convicted by the Holy Spirit to not go back on birth control. I felt God saying that by being on birth control we weren’t trusting in His timing, we were just trying to manufacture our own. Now, before I go any further I want to say that I do not feel that using birth control while married is wrong. I think that it is a very necessary thing for many couples, and I don’t have a personal conviction against it in general—God was just convicting me of our own situation.

I told Dave that night that I felt I should get off of birth control, and he let me know he felt the same way. It was a very scary thing, let me tell you! I remember even crying because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let go of that type of control. In my head I thought that as soon as we “pulled the goalie” I would get pregnant, but that’s not exactly how it happened.

You see, I wasn’t ovulating on my own. And since I stopped taking birth control, I also stopped getting my period and some painful cysts came back.

3 months went by, 6 months, 9 months, and then a year. Nothing.

At that point I was taking a pregnancy test once every month, and every time the test would come back negative it would break my heart.

A little over a year after we started informally trying, I started getting some early pregnancy symptoms. I knew it was too early for anything to show up on a pregnancy test, but I really believed that this was it! A few days later while I was at work I started getting really intense period-like cramps. I was sad because I figured I was just getting my period for the first time (in months!) and was not pregnant after all. A few hours after the cramps started I started bleeding very heavily (while I was still at work). It was not like any period I had ever known. The pain and bleeding was so intense that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to drive myself home. I remember praying the whole car ride, which thankfully was only 15 minutes, that God would stop the pain and bleeding and save my baby. But the bleeding and cramps didn’t stop, and I soon started passing large blood clots.

I was having a miscarriage.

Having to pass all of the blood and blood clots was traumatizing to say the least. I had to take off a week from work and spent most of the days crying or just staring at the wall. It was hard enough to know that we had lost a baby, but it was worse having to feel it all come out of me. Still, God remained faithful and I soon realized how good He had been in that situation. I realized how much harder it would have been to lose the baby at 12 weeks or even later, and He had saved us from that heartbreak.

Following the miscarriage I had several invasive procedures to try to figure out the source of the miscarriage, and they discovered I had a polyp on my uterus. So I went into surgery to have a D & C and polypectomy. Then a few months later we started trying once again to get pregnant.

I was worried that we’d have trouble conceiving due to my PCOS, so I asked my OBGYN if I could get on fertility medication to help me ovulate. Before they would give me the medication, Clomid, they had me endure another invasive procedure. I had a hysterosalpingogram to check my uterus and to see if my fallopian tubes were open. All looked normal, and I was excited to start the Clomid. However, I had a really hard time getting the medication. The nurse wouldn’t call me back, or they’d say they wanted me to take another test. It seemed like every time I tried to get Clomid a door was shut in my face. I was starting to panic because I was leaving my job and my insurance was about to expire. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get access to the same medication on Dave’s insurance and so it was like watching the clock countdown. I kept praying that God would help me get the Clomid, but it wasn’t happening.

Finally, at the last minute I got ahold of the Clomid. But once I had it, I had that same feeling I had had a year ago with my birth control. I realized that maybe the reason why it had been so hard to get was because God didn’t want me taking it. Once again I was trying to trust in my own power to make this pregnancy happen, and I wasn’t trusting in His. So the Clomid sat in my drawer and I decided not to take it.

In August (of 2012) I finally gave the whole infertility issue up to God. Instead of looking for solutions myself, I looked to Him. I felt compelled to get my body healthy and try to rid myself of PCOS naturally. I completely change by diet, taking out refined sugar and refined carbohydrates. I was eating tons of fruits and vegetables each day, and also working out more consistently. I started losing weight, and I felt absolutely fantastic! After about a month of my new diet I was shocked when I got (what I thought was) my first “natural” period in over ten years. I was amazed at how quickly my body had regulated itself, and it encouraged me to keep on with this new healthy lifestyle.

But soon I didn’t feel so great. I started feeling really nauseous and extremely tired all the time. I didn’t understand why all of a sudden I would feel this way when I had been feeling so good. A little voice inside me started saying “hmmm what if you’re pregnant?” But I didn’t think that was possible at all since in my mind I had just had my period. Still, the symptoms didn’t go away and I was starting to drive myself crazy with the “what if’s.” So on Monday, September 24th I took a pregnancy test—not because I thought it would be positive, but so it would say “negative” and could just stop obsessing about it.

You can imagine my COMPLETE surprise when it was positive! In fact, my first reaction after I saw it was to throw up. Yeah, I know, not the best story. I called Dave at work to tell him, and the rest is well…a story for another blog post.

As soon as we gave up control and stopped trying to get pregnant in our own strength, He stepped in and granted us the desire of our heart. It’s so beautiful to look back and see the ways He was quietly preparing us for our pregnancy at this time, and how perfect His timing is. If we had gotten pregnant earlier, or instead of having a miscarriage, we probably wouldn’t be going to Taiwan. I’ve learned through all of this that God just wants us to give up control, be willing to be a part of whatever His plan is, and He will do the rest in ways that are more wonderful than we could ever dream up ourselves.

If you’re struggling with infertility I know how hard it is. But I want you to know that there is a God who loves you, knows you, and knows what you’re going through. He is right there with you, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. He is just waiting for you to give everything up to Him and He’ll be there to wrap you in His arms and carry out His perfect will for your life.

I’m back…with BIG news!

2012-11-28T19:20:00.001-06:00

Hello? Testing, testing.

Is this thing on?

Anyone there?

I know, I know I’ve been a shameful blogger. Almost three whole months since I last blogged. And do you want to know the worst part? I don’t even have a good excuse. Not one stinkin’ excuse.

And the longer I went without blogging the more awkward it seemed to start blogging again.

It’s kind of like having an old friend from high school or college that you stop keeping in touch with. The more time that passes that you don’t communicate with them, the harder it seems to get back in touch. That’s kind of how I started to see this blog—as an old college friend that I fell out of touch with.

I considered just kind of fading away into the blogosphere, but after several friends asked “why aren’t you blogging anymore?” I started to realize that perhaps this old college friendship is too good to just let go of.

And so I’m back! And boy do I have some big news!

Remember how Dave and I are moving to Taiwan in January? Well, we’re going to have to get a few extra suitcases now. Because…

That’s right! We’ve got a bun in the oven, praise the Lord!

The road to this baby was long, and at times painful, and unfortunately we’re not completely out of the woods yet. I have plans to right a post about our challenges getting pregnant and some trials we’re facing with the baby now, but I wanted to leave my first post back short and sweet.

But what kind of blogger would I be without a good teaser?

Isn’t he/she just adorable???? I’m already in love

Seeing Seattle Part 1:Our Mega Day Date

2012-09-01T16:19:00.001-05:00

Dave and I went to Seattle to visit his sister Josephine, her husband Gene, our two nephews Jadon and Joshua, and our niece Katelyn. We technically were in Sammamish, WA, which is a suburb of Seattle, but calling this post “Seeing Sammamish” didn’t seem to have the same ring to it. (No offense to all the Sammamishoans).

We were there for a week, which translates to about 1000 photos. Yikes! So after much sorting, deleting, editing, and more deleting, I have enough pictures for a few posts about our adventures.

Today, Part 1: Our Mega Day Date:

Since we were going to be in the Seattle area for a week, we decided to purchase City Passes, which are a booklet of tickets to all the major attractions for a discounted price. The Seattle City Pass included tickets to 7 attractions, so we set off to take on three of them in one day.

First stop was Pike Place Market.

This market is probably most famous for their fish tossing spectacular…

…but I was more impressed by all the fresh flowers, seafood, and produce!

Can you believe the price! Sooo cheap!

Aside from the bad lighting, this scallops looked DELISH!

It was a food lovers paradise. I was seriously just fantasizing about all the different recipes I could make with all the fresh ingredients. I was definitely on sensory overload!

Besides the normal staples of a fresh market, we ran into a few interesting items as well:

Oh, and we also went to the flagship location of a little coffee joint that maybe you’ve heard of…Starbucks!

I had to edit this so you get the true 1912 feel.

After we left the market we headed to our first City Pass destination, a harbor cruise tour.

But not before a quick touristy photo-op.

The cruise took us down the Seattle waterfront, and around parts of Puget Sound. Here are some of the shots:

After the cruise we grabbed a quick lunch (which tasted terrible, was over priced, and not worth sharing photos of) and then hopped on the monorail to visit the Space Needle and EMP Museum.

The Space Needle was beautiful, as were the views from the top. I actually enjoyed the view so much that I didn’t take too many pictures!

Last stop of the day was the EMP Museum. If you’re like me and are wondering what the heck “EMP” stands for, I’ll tell you: Experience Music Project.

This was one of the coolest museums I’ve been to in awhile, probably because I’m a music lover. In addition to exhibits about Nirvana, Horror Movies, Jimi Hendrix, Avatar, and more, they even had a music lab where you can play real instruments in sound proof booths. We had so much fun!

Here’s a little factoid, Dave actually does play both these instruments!

And despite this overly dramatic face, I actually did major in music.

So that ends part 1 of our trip. See what I mean by “Mega Day Date?” We did go to dinner after all this too, but sadly no pictures were taken.

Up next, some pics of neice/nephew fun!

Homemade Yogurt

2012-08-24T21:55:00.001-05:00

Lately I’ve been working hard to watch what I eat, exercise more, and overall get healthier. I’ve been reading a several awesome blogs (Rabbit Food For My Bunny Teeth, Naturally Knocked Up, Brittney Breathing) that have totally inspired me! They have delicious recipes, healthy living tips, and even some DIY exercise gear.

One food that keeps coming up as a major player in healthy eating is yogurt. And not the kind that comes with crushed up Oreos on top of the lid (yeah, you know what I’m talking about!) but healthy, organic, natural yogurt.

Unfortunately, the words “organic” and “natural” seems to hike up the price with each syllable, so for some it might not seem like a feasible option. But it can be—when you make your own!

Making yogurt is much easier than you think, and it’s so much more delicious than the kind you buy at the store.

And all you need are TWO ingredients:

All you need to make your own yogurt is milk, and some “starter” yogurt. You can buy packets of the starter bacteria, or you can just use some yogurt that’s already been made. Oh, and you’ll need a thermometer too!

I made this yogurt using whole milk, and whole milk yogurt. I never drink whole milk (I’m a skim kinda girl) but I heard that using the whole fat milk and yogurt will result in much thicker and creamier yogurt.

*Update* I’m in the process of making a second batch of yogurt this time using skim milk. I’ll let you know how it turns out*

Step 1: Sanitize glass jars to hold your soon-to-be-yogurt. When I say sanitize, I mean it. Like dishwasher clean. Really, really, clean. Also be sure that there is no water or moisture in the jars at all.

I used two old sauerkraut jars and one small mason jar, but any clean glass jars (with a lid) will work.

Step 2: Pour 4 cups of milk into a pot (I used a cast iron one to ensure even heat distribution) and slowly heat the milk to 180 degrees.

Step 3: Once the milk has reached 180 degrees, pour into your sanitized jars. Then, reduce heat of milk to 110 degrees.

To do this I put the jars back into the pot and filled it halfway with cold water.

I even added ice cubes to speed up the cooling process.

Step 4: Once the milk has cooled to 110 degrees, stir in 2 Tbsp. of yogurt.

*If you’ve distributed your four cups of milk amongst several jars (like I did) be aware how many ounces are in each jar and distribute your yogurt accordingly.

Step 5: Put the lids on the jars, and let them set in a warm place for 8-16 hours. The temperature of the yogurt needs to stay around 95 degrees.

To keep a steady amount of warmth surrounding my jars, here’s what I did:

-Wrap the jars in small hand towels.

-Place jars in a towel-lined cooler

-Cover the jars with a towel

-Place a small sauce pan on one side of the cooler and fill with boiling water

-Close lid to cooler and put in new boiling water every 3 hours.

This method kept my yogurt at an even temperature throughout the 10 hours I let it set. You could also put the jars in a bowl on top of a heating pad and set it to 95 degrees.

Step 6: After the yogurt has set for your preferred amount of time (the longer you keep it at the warm temperature the thicker the yogurt will be) place it in the refrigerator overnight.

Step 7: Wake up and check out your homemade yogurt!

Mmm nice and thick!

If you notice that a yellowish, watery substance is on top, never fear! This is just whey. You can get rid of it by using a paper towel to absorb it.

Before you start diving into your yummy yogurt take out 2 Tbsp. so you will have “starter yogurt” for your next batch. I just placed mine in a baby food jar and be sure to stick it in the fridge.

The yogurt I made was incredibly rich and delicious. To sweeten it a bit I just add a small amount of pure maple syrup and some fruit.

No need to worry about what is in your yogurt, or how much sugar or artificial stuff.

You can also sprinkle on some granola and make a delicious parfait!

Happy eating

Proudly preaching this probiotic here:

Mondays: Between Naps on the Porch, Keeping It Simple, Homemaker On A Dime, The DIY Showoff, Be Colorful, The DIY Home Sweet Home, Mad In Crafts, The Girl Creative, Polly Want A Crafter, Sumos Sweet Stuff, Making The World Cuter, Skip To my Lou, Debbiedoos, Get Outta My Head Please, My 1929 Charmer, Serendipity and Spice

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Music in Millennium Park

2012-08-16T00:21:00.001-05:00

Hey, ya’ll! As I write this post I’m actually in Seattle!

Dave and I are having a blast playing with our nephews and niece and taking in all the beauty that this part of the country holds. I’ll be sure to share all the adventures we’re having very soon.

But let’s rewind back a month, shall we? While my brother was in town we all went down to Millennium Park in downtown Chicago to take in a free concert. If you have never attended any of the concerts that the Chicago Symphony Orchestra puts on, it’s a must-do during the Chicago summer.

I’ve been to countless performances but this one was extra special since my brother Stephen was there, and also because it was the first time going with Andrew (if you’re new around here he’s my sweet nephew that I’m always gushing on)

The concerts take place right in the heart of the city, usually around dusk. You bring your lawn chairs and blankets, pack a picnic basket, and sit back and relax all while enjoying the sweet sounds of the symphony. (oh, and did I mention the concerts are F-R-E-E?)

Andrew is now big enough to get into chairs himself, and wasted no time in settling into one of the lawn chairs.

Oh, and immediately finding his belly button. He’s totally obsessed with his belly button and with everyone else’s belly button. It’s kind of an issue.

My sister Rachel prepared a Mediterranean feast for us all, and feast we did!

Before the concert started Stephen and I took Andrew to visit “the bean” (which is technically named Cloud Gate, did you know that?) to keep him from getting too antsy.

Initially all he cared about were the nasty pigeons (sorry, but I think pigeons are really disgusting).

But when he saw all the reflections, including his own, in the bean he was (thankfully!) drawn away from the nasty feathered things.

Uncle Stephen and Andrew

On our way back to the picnic I managed to sneak a few kisses with the cutie pie.

The rest of the evening was spent relaxing to the music and enjoying the little man’s company.

“Dada” and Andrew

He really enjoyed being on his dad’s and mom’s shoulders—perhaps a little too much on Rachel’s.

Oh, and how could I forget the other extra special first-time goer at the concert?

Yep, another bun in my sister’s oven.

With wonderful nights like this I’m certainly going to miss living in Chicago!

Kayaking in Downtown Chicago

2012-08-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

We had the privilege of having my sister Rebecca, and brother Stephen, in town for a few weeks and we took advantage of all our time together.

A lot of our time was spent working on the basement remodel, but we did manage to get out and enjoy all that Chicago has to offer in the summer time.

My sister bought a Groupon that gave us 2 hours of kayak rental and a drink/appetizer at a local restaurant all for $32/two people. It was a great deal, and we had lots of fun!

The kayak match-ups were:
1. Rachel and Alan (sister and bro-in-law)
2. Rebecca and Stephen (brother and sis)
3. Sarah and Dave (me and the hubs)

To take the pictures below we grabbed the sides of each other’s kayaks to create “super boat”.

Me, Rebecca, and Rachel

Alan, Stephen, Dave

After a VERY brief tutorial they just let you free in the waterways and tell you to come back in 2 hours. I had never been kayaking before, but it wasn’t very hard. Apparently I wasn’t a very even rower, but thankfully I had a strong guy in the back of me to help steer us straight.

One thing I didn’t like was the fact that there were architecture tour boats, taxi boats, party boats, etc passing by us all the time. Sometimes they were a little too close for comfort.

Becca and Stephen seemed to have the most trouble steering (no offense guys!) which landed them in a few situations like the one below:

One of the best parts of the experience were the incredible views of the city we were able to see.

Here are some Chicago glamour shots:

This will ALWAYS be the Sears Tower to me!

I got completely soaked by various waves created by our waterway neighbors, which wasn’t so fun. But besides being soaked with water from an extremely polluted river, it was a great time.

Giving the “peace” sign is a standard pose by many Taiwanese people when you take their picture.

Next, I’ll be sharing pics from our night in Millennium Park. Stay tuned!

Mango and Sweet Pepper Bruschetta

2012-08-06T20:57:00.001-05:00

When you think bruschetta you probably think “tomatoes”, right?

Well, there are NO tomatoes in this tasty summer bruschetta. Say whaaat?

This recipe was created out of a recent dinner dilemma. I was making pasta with a tomato sauce (shocker, I know!) and I also wanted to make bruschetta. But the thought of that many tomatoes in one meal didn’t sit well with me, so I started to think a bit more creatively.

For some reason “mango” popped into my head, then I googled “mango bruschetta” to see if there were any recipes like this. Do you do that too? When you get a cooking idea check to see if anyone else has done it? I figure if there’s a recipe out there for it then it can’t be too bad…

…and I was right!

I sort of adapted this recipe from several I saw online and I LOVE the way it turned out.

Mango and Sweet Pepper Bruschetta

Prep time: 10 minutes

Cook time: 4 minutes

1 French or Italian baguette (I used whole grain)

2 Mangoes, diced

1 Sweet pepper (red, yellow, or orange), diced

3/4 cup-1 cup fresh basil, chopped (or to taste)

2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

2 Tbsp. olive oil

2 Tbsp. red wine vinegar

Dash of honey

Fresh ground black pepper to taste

Kosher salt to taste

1. Dice mango, sweet pepper, garlic, and chop the basil. Place ingredients in a bowl.

*If you’re having trouble with the mango, here’s how I cut it:

2. In a small bowl, combine olive oil, red wine vinegar, and honey.

3. Whisk briskly, then add to the mango and pepper mixture.

4. Add fresh ground black pepper to taste, and stir.

5. Turn your oven’s broiler to “high.” Meanwhile, take your baguette, use whole grain or wheat if possible, and slice it on the diagonal into 1 inch thick pieces.

6. Lightly brush olive oil onto one side of the bread, and sprinkle on a pinch of kosher salt.

7. Place the bread under the broiler. Approximately 2 minutes for the first side, and 1 minute for the second side. The bread should be nicely toasted, not burnt.

8. While bread is still warm spoon the mango and pepper mixture on top. Garnish with more basil, if desired.

8. Take a big bite and enjoy! You can do this two ways:

The refined way with a knife and fork…

…or the oh-my-gosh-I’m-so-hungry-cause-I-haven’t-eaten-lunch-must-have-giant-bite way.

It’s up to you