Adventures of the Nerdy Secretary

Sunshine and Rainbows

2021-10-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a core to their soul. The place in the middle under all the callouses and scar tissue caused by life.

Mine? It’s full of rainbows and glitter.

Don’t mistake the rainbows and glitter of my soul for a Pollyanna like optimism. That’s not it. It’s more like Mr. Rogers is my default setting. I default to kindness. I tend to trust too easily, often to my own detriment. I’m often brought to tears by the injustices of the world.

Some examples

I hit high school in 1989, during the height of the AIDS epidemic. When most children were being taught to hate Gay people, I didn’t understand why. Why hate these people for who they love? And why would God the these people too?
Like many school children I learned of the Holocaust through literature. While I intellectually know why the Nazis did this, it still boggles my mind.
I cried watching police cause a “riot” at BLM protests, deep down not understanding how these people could first cause trouble, then punish the people they first harmed.
My mind boggles at the selfishness of so many during this pandemic that won’t lift a finger to ease the suffering of other people.
For most of my life I’ve not been comfortable around guns. Why? Because I don’t think anyone needs them. If we truly believe to treat others how you’d want to be treated then why would we need them? I don’t think people go around wanting to be shot.

I quickly became disillusioned with modern Christianity. The messages of love and acceptance and the Golden Rule were clearly lost on its members.

Why do you think I love Disney as much as I do? When we’re in Disney I can let myself just be. I can bask in the bright glittery light of my soul as the weight of the world is lifted for a while.

A few weeks ago I sat sobbing on my kitchen floor as I heard my friend’s voice from my husband’s phone speaker. He talked of how he’s been working and preparing this plan to end his life for months. He’s been taking things to destroy his body. And all he had left to do was die.

I sobbed because my soul can’t comprehend someone wanting to end their life.

I sobbed because I was incapable to stop it.

I sobbed because I could not help.

I sobbed because I trusted this person, and he used our house to help execute parts of this plan.

I sobbed because I could feel scar tissue hardening around the bright glitter of my soul.

Please, if you find others like me, don’t be the one that builds scar tissue around the bright light of their soul. Don’t mock them for seeing the good in things. Someone has to see the rainbows and unicorns of the world.

You've gotta love Anxiety

2021-07-13T09:42:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting in my office and not feeling all that well. For some reason my anxiety is super high today.

I can't seem to win this week.

We had some weird power hiccups yesterday, knocking out the AC. I watched the numbers climb and the dog starting to pant harder. So I put the ticked with the home warranty. As soon as I dished out money, the AC started working.
We're dealing with an invasion of tiny ants in the kitchen. Every time I walk by I'm cleaning the counter
I have a concert next weekend and right about now I'm having nightmares about forgetting lyrics.
Monday I'm having a colonoscopy. It's a routine screening. But of course I have sense of dread. I'm almost certain that they'll find cancer. I have the same dread every time I have a mammogram too.
I'm getting a treadmill. But to get it I have to clean out the sun room in the back. And my stupid elbow has decided to act up.
We're in early stages of planning a Disney trip, and of course I need 2 companies to post prices so we can budget... but they haven't yet.
There's some paperwork issues that are a direct result of one party making rules that were interpreted differently by another party.... and of course no one is in the same darn country to work anything out!
We have a new procurement system at work, and now that I have real world things to pay I can't seem to figure it out!

Since we've bought this house I've been in super-Adulting mode and it's been weighing on me. What do I want? Someplace quiet with take out and a pool.

Sadly, I won't be getting it anytime soon.

I'm in my feels today

2021-06-15T07:45:00.001-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you just feel like a stain on the ass of humanity?

I'm having it today!

I was getting ready for work today and had that thought of: "What is my purpose? What value to society do I bring?" I'm staunchly childfree, so my societal purpose of having children isn't going to happen. I'm going to be paying back student loans until I die, so I'm not even successful in that aspect.

I had a rehearsal yesterday for a July recital. There I was, standing next to a tall, thin, pitch perfect 20-something. I'm short, fat and have the voice of a strangled goose. I had issues getting anything right at all that day. I left that rehearsal so frustrated that I cried on the way home.

I've gained weight over the pandemic that I'm struggling to lose. Combine that with the worst case of tennis elbow ever, it means that working out has been sporadic.

I'll be 47 this year.

And today I'm trying to figure out what good I've done in this life. Do I contribute to society? Am I just a useless waste of space.

Today I feel old, fat and a waste of space.

Tomorrow most likely will be better!

Besides, I have a post-pandemic race to train for!

Huzzah!

2021-04-09T05:56:00.005-07:00

I was blessed to grow up about an hour away from a rather well run Renaissance Faire. Sterling was a wonderful place. Wooded. Top notch entertainment. Wonderful vendors. Then it was sold to a slumlord.

But anyways....

We figured out early on that if you make eye contact with the actors, they'll play with you.

So here we are, in high school. I'm at Sterling with 2 of my friends and my brother. Early in the day, we catch the eye of the "Barbary Pirate." he pulls us aside and asks us to help with with his plan.

"You bring the knife," he says to me.

"You bring the gun," he says to friend number 1.

"You bring the sword," he says to friend number 2.

"You bring..." he started, and my brother interrupted. "The mace and chain? The canon?"

"No!" He laughed. "The tablecloth to hide the body! Lace please. With a candy dish to do in the middle!"

He gave us a signal to use when we saw each other. Thumb on the nose, wiggle the fingers and say "oggie boogie."

You know, we saw each other all day and gave the the signal. it was the best day! In the years since I've been a "playtron" and then working for a vendor. In the years since, we've moved to an area that sadly doesn't have a renaissance faire within an easy drive and that makes me sad. I miss it.

Once the pandemic is over I need to make a point to take some weekend trips to some regional faires. Pennsylvania and Carolina maybe?

Would would like to come with me?

It’s Been a Year

2021-03-28T06:47:00.002-07:00

It’s been over a year of us living in these pandemic conditions. A year of social distancing and masks. A year of hand sanitizer and family gatherings via Zoom.

This year has been hard. It started out with constant worry over if I was going to get COVID and die. Then it was the extreme sense of isolation.

Now people are being vaccinated. The rates of infection are down.

But I worry that the vaccinations won’t do well against the new variants. I worry that the Qanon set won’t vaccinate in numbers high enough to get us to herd immunity.

I worry that we’ll have to social distance and wear masks for the rest of our lives.

Mostly, I’m living under this black cloud. I feel like I’m forever on the verge of tears. I thrive on hits and cuddles and touch. I thrive in in person visits. Sitting piled on the couch.

All thing things that make me feel Human and sane have been absent for over a year.

Today, the weather is nasty. I have a pesky case of Tennis Elbow. So everything seems extra gloomy right now.

I know there is hope on the horizon. People are being vaccinated by the thousands.

But today, the hope is dimmed.

Disney Adults

2021-03-10T06:54:00.002-08:00

This pandemic has been difficult for everyone. people have lost jobs. Half a million people have died.

Us? We bought a house!

it was a mad dash to clear the rental and move in. And we're no where close to being unpacked! We still have to build a new fence for the back!

And what have I done?

I started planning our next Disney vacation.

I told someone about it the other day. That person very seriously asked me why we go to Disney. Aren't we too old?

Disney is expensive. Disney takes a lot of planning.

But I don't think that you can be too old for Disney!

When we land in Orlando, I can stop thinking about work. I don't have to think about the never-ending to do list of my life and just be.

Leading up to the trip I adore looking at the restaurant menus and planning where to make dining reservations. I can have something to look forward to.

Will I ever be too old for Disney? No.

Will I always be excited for a Disney trip? Always.

You don't like it? Then plan your own vacation elsewhere!

Crushing Existential Dread

2020-08-13T12:49:00.002-07:00

I've not been in the best of places over the last few days.

Why?

Classes are starting next week. 2 weeks early
Classes are taking places online and in weird places around campus
Every. Single. Email. that campus comes out with has a new portent of disaster (salary reductions and furloughs have been mentioned)
I have a million problems and not a single damn easy solution in the bunch!
I have to do manual labor at work. In a mask! Which sucks!
My house is a mess but I don't have the mental capacity to even deal with it!
I feel like there's something awful on the horizon (losing my job, getting sick, death) but I don't know when or where it'll strike.
My downstairs toilet doesn't like flushing anymore
The daily thunderstorm is a nice touch....
Oh, and it's hurricane season.. so that's fun!

My normal coping mechanisms generally require people.. and can't be done in the wake of a pandemic. I feel like I'm about to cry. But the tears never come.

I also know that by the end of next week most of my stressors will be taken care of, and things will get easier.

In other news, I was thinking of starting a YouTube channel. I wonder if anyone would subscribe?

Clean All The Things

2020-08-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the pandemic, we were all sent home to telework. I, like many others vowed that at the end, when we all emerged form our homes, a little overweight and pale, I'd have a clean house!

Do I?

Nope! I was bogged down in massive anxiety, and instead ignored the mess around me. Seriously, everything that I've worn during the pandemic exists clean in laundry baskets. I haven't put a damn thing away!

On top of that, the house needs dusting, and just a general picking up! My day lacked the routine and structure of going into the office, so I let it all pile up. I hated myself for doing it, but I also couldn't seem to get up and get it done either.

So I went back to an old method. FlyLady.

One day I'd had enough and went back to the website. If you've never been there, it's all about how to gradually get your home in order, and setting a structure to keep it there. I took her method, and customized it to what this house needed.

Have I been following it? I started out, and immediately fell off the wagon. But Monday is another day, and I'll start fresh in Zone 1.

Until then, I'm going to make a list to do this weekend.

Put away 1 basket of clothes
Clean up my kitchen
do 2 things kitchen cleaning-wise from last week's to do list
Meal plan for the week
not cleaning related- actually do my long run tomorrow

Let's see if I can get it done?

Anyone else feel overwhelmed by a messy house?

Sing, Sing a Song

2020-07-15T07:05:00.001-07:00

I was having a think about my childhood the other day, and I remembered Mr. Rogers’s Neighborhood and Sesame Street. I then realized that most people of my generation can sing thing songs from the shows. We knows them. they were the music of our childhood.

Why?

Because song can create a community.

I worked at a summer camp for 11 years. Every morning we had the flag raising ceremony. We raised the flag, did the pledge, sang the Campfire Law then sang a camp song. On Mondays we sang Father Abraham. the song is repetitive. It’s long. It has movements. But before we were done, everyone knew the words. Also everyone learned that in this place we sang, we did weird things, we might be silly, but we had fun. We created a community through song.

(My apologies if this gets stuck in your head)

Thinking back to the years I spent going to church with my mother I remember 2 things: The “bringing the money to the front” song. And the “minister walking to the back of the church” song. I believe these songs were used in other churches all over. When I went to the local Unitarian Universalist church we had similar songs that were in most services. The songs that we all knew.

(But we sang it MUCH faster)

In places all over the world, communities are created through song. Community choirs. School choirs. There's football clubs that have a theme song that the entire stadium sings.

I spent a semester in Ireland. I was on the west coast, neat the gaeltacht region. At pubs in the rural areas people would bring instruments and play and sing. Community

So before you sneer at kids singing camp songs, or teenagers singing show-tunes, think about what you're mocking. These people are a community. a community strengthened by song.

And maybe find your own group of singers to form a community with. I have mine.

The Struggle Bus

2020-05-11T10:05:00.002-07:00

Like many people these days, I'm firmly riding the struggle bus.

My current quarantine struggles:

I'm losing track of time. Today I blinked and it was past noon!
I can't keep track of the date or day of the week
I normally have NO memory. It's SO much worse now!!
I'm having weird, vivid dreams
For some reason I'm having issues with reading comprehension. Emails and text messages. I have to read them a dozen times before I comprehend ALL of it. It's terrible!

For example. This all happened today I:

Pissed off the cat. She ran away and is hiding from me so I can’t give her meds
Pissed off the dog by trying to take her outside
Stubbed my toe on the vacuum
Took a shower... am unsure if I brushed my teeth
My hair is wet, yet I don’t remember showering
Actually had to look down to check if I was wearing pants.

That last part happened just now. I'm not under a blanket. I'm on a chair.

Today is just being a struggle. I have to pick up wine from the wine store and my completion packet from the running store. I'm afraid to get behind the wheel of my car!

I just noticed that it's 1. Maybe I should get some lunch?

Nothing is normal anymore!

2020-04-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

As we're entering week 32585 of quarantine, I'm rather over it!

I know.... privileged... I could be sick.. I could be dead. I'm just stuck in the house.

I'm just struggling. I'm struggling to form a new routine. My weight is up. I have a few new minorly concerning health issues... but doctors offices aren't open! Grocery shopping is difficult. My voice lessons are on hold. I miss singing with the girls!

Lately I've been feeling on the verge of tears all the time. Nothing in the world is right. People are dying. Protests are happening because people care more about themselves than others.

For fuck's sake, Disney is closed! And that's the one that bothers me the most.

Why?

Disney is my escape. In times of stress, I know that Disney is there. That I have a trip on the horizon to plan for. Even if I'm far away from a Disney trip, usually Busch Gardens is there for me to escape for a few hours. My outlets are gone.

I'm not special. Everyone's outlets are closed. Everyone's coping mechanisms are in uproar.

I think I'm going to go take a walk. See if I can get the pup to come with me. It's not a solution, but maybe it'll help for now.

Deep Thoughts

2020-04-24T13:23:00.002-07:00

blast from the past, huh?

I think we're all hitting peak cabin fever these days. I know I am. I've been desperate to do things that aren't at home.

Here's a list of things I've contemplated doing of late:

Clean out my closets
clean out the fridge
learn a new language.
going back to the SCA. I even started researching garb!
planned a trip to a Renaissance Faire
start training to run a marathon
Quickly switch to training for a 5K
contemplating going back to organized religion

That last one though...

I toy with this from time to time.

I love the idea of a community of faith. But between my own anxiety, and the bad taste the the media driven Christianity has left in my mouth keep me from it.

Now, I know that I'm not going to be hitting a mega church any time soon. That would be bad for everyone involved.

I've tried Unitarian Universalism. I rather liked that church... but that building is fit to bursting.

My BFF goes to a United Church of Christ church. This denomination is a step down from UU. But will I be comfortable with the level of Jesus. Do I go out of left field and try Judiasm? But that's like learning a new language. I tried paganism, but at times finding your way into a group that's free of crazies and that you click with... it's easier to become a Mason!

Most likely I'll ponder this for months. Then the restrictions will lift. And I'll end up spending my Sunday mornings running. You know, to train for the matrathon.

Or maybe I'll give up these thoughts of God and bake some bread.

Emotions are weird (with memes I've shared on Facebook recently)

2020-04-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

One constant of these weird pandemic times is emotions.

People are finding themselves we weird emotional responses to things. Posts are running around on Facebook on how the emotional responses people are having are trauma based.

Me? I feel like I’m on the edge of tears almost all the time! I’m crying at every little thing. (This is not far from normal, but it’s turned up to 11!)

What are we to do? You just have to not get upset at yourself for having feelings! We don't have our normal lives, and COVID-19 is out there like a Dementor looking for prey

Every day is different for me. Some days I forget to drink anything...

Some days I want to do nothing but walk outside. Other days I can't be motivated to workout at all!

I'm also falling into the working form home trap. I'm checking email late into the night and doing work off the clock on the weekends. While I'm efficient, it's not helping my mental state. And I'm working for free! other days I wait for emails for hours so I can proceed with things. Other days I having issues getting off the couch TO work

Today I'm sitting on the Struggle Bus. The dog is crying under the couch. The cats are hiding. I'm trying not to cry. But I have a to-do list. And groceries to pick up during lunch.

But we'll get through this. Eventually we'll slowly be able to get back to our old lives. Sadly, we don't know WHEN that will be.

But if it's any solace, there's only 2 places on earth that have no cases of COVID-19:

Now I'm off to load the dishwasher. It's not much, but it's something that I CAN do today.

I'm not fast

2020-04-17T07:55:00.002-07:00

I'm doing the Social Distance challenge that's being put on by my local running store. I have 4 weeks to run or walk a total of 26.2 miles.

This thing started on Saturday. And there's quite a few people almost done. Why? because they go out in the morning and in 30 minutes run like 8 miles.

Me?

I'm not fast. Not at all!!

In 30 minutes I can run just under 2 miles.

It'll take me the entire 4 weeks to do the 26.2.

I log every walk and run. I try to do a mile and a half in the morning and a mile at lunch. I'm already up to 7.5 miles!

But not the 20 some odd miles that other people have already.

Nope, I'm not fast. It's something that I'm going to work on more when the mornings are warmer and less nasty on my lungs.

I'm sure that none of the other people in this challenge came in last in a race!

I'm not fast. But I'll get it done!

The Fixin' to Die Rag

2020-03-30T07:29:00.001-07:00

"And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die"

This has been running through my head a lot.

I realized something yesterday: I really don't want to die. (Like most people). I don't want my husband to have to make the hard decisions. I don't want to leave my pets without a mommy. I want to go to Disney again!

I especially don't want to die from respiratory nastiness. I've had pneumonia a few times. It's terrifying.

Also, if I'm going to get sick, I'm probably already sick. That's why this disease is so awful. Every person is a ticking time bomb.

So here I am, washing my hands and only leaving my house when I absolutely have to.

And trying not to have too much of an existential crisis.

COVID-19 and Inside Out

2020-03-27T10:39:00.001-07:00

I realized today that we're experiencing most of the Inside Out feelings:

With everything being closed, it's easy to get angry at the situation. or just to have a short fuse in general.

Fear is a big one for me right now. Is this thing going to kill me? Will I lose my job, my insurance or my house? How will my family deal with me being sick? Can I afford to go to a hospital, or will dying be cheaper? It's scary out there!

I, for one, am disgusted at how the government is handling this. I'm also disgusted at myself for the snacks I'm eating!!

Sadness is an easy one. A lot of people are sad. Sad that school is out. Sad that everything is closed. Sad because they can't live their lives and see their friends.

Social Distancing is getting me down. I'm introverted, but as soon as you tell me that I CAN'T see people, I'm desperate to be out among people!

Hopefully soon we'll all feel some joy as we can resume our lives.

Hopefully in a few months we can get back to living our lives like we have been. But hopefully we'll have learned something from this.

The New State of Things

2020-03-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I had quite a night.

My thoughts were in a particularly nasty spiral of doom and gloom.

I laid there, in that not asleep, but not awake mode. I swore that my chest was tight, my heart was racing, my head was pounding and my body was aching. I was planning my funeral, because I was SURE that I was coming down with COVID-19.

In reality, I was caught in a nasty thought spiral and probably having a panic attack.

I woke up tired, but with a clear chest and no body aches. I have an undercurrent of anxiety running through me today. I called off our grocery foraging trip because of it.

It comes down to the fact that I need to be looking after myself better.

I need to stop falling down the rabbit hole of coronavirus coverage, especially before bed.
I need to take some care in reaching out to people. Maybe set up Skype or Zoom calls?
I need to work out more. Daily run and starting a new program. (I don’t need to worry about being late for work anymore!)
I need to limit snacking! Stop the comfort eating! (Seriously, I don’t want to be 300 pounds when this is all over!)

The only way that we’re going to get through this is by giving a shit about other people, and following the quarantine measures. I’ve seen the best and worst in humanity lately.

Anyone else having issues dealing with life lately?

Woo Hoo! We're all gonna die!

2020-03-14T13:58:00.002-07:00

I have issues with anxiety. Some days are great, some, not so.

Sweet Jeezy Chreezy! The damn pandemic has gotten to me.

Why has this gotten me? With the exception of being asthmatic, I've got no other risk factors.

It's the uncertainty!

Some of the thoughts running around my head:

Will I get sick?
Will they use the military to keep us in our homes?
Will Disney ever re-open?
Will students ever go to school again?
Will I ever be able to buy toilet paper again?

I feel comfortable when I know what's going on. I read movie spoilers before I see the movie. I look at the menu of the restaurant before we get there. Surprises bother me (except maybe a surprise party...).

This? This is the vast unknown. And the unknown is scary!!

The Reason for the Season

2019-12-11T06:33:00.001-08:00

Actually, if you want to be picky about it...

That... and Cultural Appropriation...

We're prepping for a Christmas Concert with my vocal studio at the moment. We've got all sorts of music, but because of the season, there's a lot of God in the songs.

And that brings me back to my conflicted feelings about Christianity as a whole.

If you get down to the words written in the book, the ideas are sound. Do unto others. Those have have no sinned, cast the fist stone. Blessed be the peacemakers. It seems like a great code for life! I'm not going to get into the beliefs about a higher power, I'm just touching on the here and now practices.

But I'm also a student of history. And I've seen the mess that Christianity has made in the world, both directly and when they meant well.

The Spanish Inquisition*
the Crusades*
using the bible to justify slavery*
using the bible to justify homophobia*
Christian Missionaries (Historically and present day)*
Native American boarding schools*
The Westboro Baptist Church*

*Yes... the realities are more complex, and you could write a dissertation on the the intersections of religion, politics and society....

It's hard for me to reconcile the message with the action of the people that hear that message. And it's hard not to think about the ills that the religion have done to people in the past.

I'll stick to what I've been doing. Following what JC said to do without the crap that his fan club does getting in my way. I was thinking about going back to a church, but I don't know. I have a low tolerance Republican Jesus.

Fred Rogers has been in the news of late. Not only was he a PBS mainstay, he was also a minister. His ministry was kindness.

I think that it's a rather good way to live your life.

Starting from the beginning

2019-08-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

Way back when, I was in Weight Watchers. It actually worked for me. But I quit when I switched to some of the BeachBody methods (the containers).

I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever been. My weight is affecting my health. I don’t feel good health wise. I also feel unattractive and awful.

So I went back to the beginning. I got out My Fitness Pal. It's the closest I can get to Weight Watchers tracking without paying for meetings. I’m scanning and tracking everything. My BeachBody friends may not like it, but this is the most in control I’ve felt in ages.

I also started a new workout program. It’s something that I’m enjoying, and the workouts are short enough for me to do them before work. I’m also running. I had to cancel my plans to run the Wine and Dine in 2021. But thanks to something unfun, I decided to run it in 2022. It’ll take me that long to train up a half marathon again.

Now, if I could manage to pack a better lunch for work so the temptation of the vending machine won’t be as great.....

Also, I need to get up the courage to weigh myself again!

Impostor Syndrome

2019-08-19T08:42:00.002-07:00

I’ve always been an introvert. So much, in fact, that if I have time off of work I’ll hold up at home and not leave for days.

Why not hang out with friends? Why not go out?

Because (while I know it’s not true), most times I feel like my existence is a burden on my friends. Heck, we’re having a wedding reception and I’m terrified that no one will show up.

Is this true? I don’t rationally think so. But the nagging in the back of my mind is rather loud at times. Why would these people want to be around you? You’re a looser.

A bit ago I started taking vocal lessons. It was something I’d always wanted to do. I was soon swept up into the fall concert. Then they gave me two small solos.

Going to rehearsals has been tough. I spend time freaking out that I don’t deserve the solos, no matter how small they are. (Like seriously... it’s 2 lines of 2 different songs). I’m a crap singer that has been taking lessons for 2 months, that inner voice says. Everyone will laugh at you, the voice whispers in my ear.

What am I going to do about it? Just keep plugging away. Keep working with the vocal lessons. Keep screwing my courage on and interacting with my friends. Fake it till you make it.

You win some, you lose some...

2019-07-05T05:34:00.001-07:00

One of the reason that we married in the first place was to eventually buy a house. Well, we got the ball rolling. Got pre-qualified. Found a real estate agent.

We then got smacked with reality. The houses I was looking at, in the location I was looking at them in were WAY too above our budget. I was budgeting with money that we didn't have.

So (all with my brother visiting, might I add) we had a talk. We decided to spend the next year saving money, cutting unnecessary spending, weeding out things from our current place. We've had some expenses crop up in the last year that we didn't anticipate. Like having a tree fall on our cars and having to buy new ones. And I think we're at the point where I need to invest money in allergy shots.

I really wanted to move. I wanted to get away from sharing walls with people. I wanted more space. But I also want to afford to live someplace AND eat. I've been foreclosed on before, and it SUCKS.

Along with the rather tough talk about money, we also talked about Disney. And how expensive it is. Even if we do have the time share... the price of park tickets alone makes one shudder.

So we're cutting back to every other year. And since I'm standing up in a weeding AT Disney in 2022, that means that there will be no 2021 Wine and Dine Half Marathon for me.

I'm ok with that. I might register for a half marathon in town for that time. Keep the momentum going. Maybe try for 2023?

But regardless, We now have a plan, and I feel better when I have a plan.

Cut unnecessary spending
Look at where our money DOES go and see if we can reduce it
clean out this place (maybe we can use a smaller house in the long run if we have less stuff!)
Keep up the training, and step it up
Profit?

Mawwiage

2019-06-17T10:52:00.001-07:00

For ages, the Spousal Equivalent and I declared that we didn't want or need to be married.

Then 2 things happened

I realized that I'm getting older.
We have WAY too much stuff for the house that we have.

Because marriage gets you benefits when it comes to end of life and medical decisions... and the need of a mortgage.. we decided to get married.

Shocking, right?

So we got ourselves a license. A friend performed the ceremony. This is shorter than it was, but not by much.

And honestly, that's how we wanted it. We've been together for 10 years. We live our marriage every day. We don't need a white dress or a church.

We're still having a wedding reception. But that'll be at a later date. Have you been to Virginia in the summer? it's hot!

It's nice to have some hobbies.

2019-06-10T10:21:00.003-07:00

When I was in High School I was a musical theater kid. I performed both on stage and worked back stage.

College came, and I moved my work to the backstage region. I was good at it too.

But in the last few years, I came to realize that I have absolutely no hobbies. I work, I come home, I cook dinner and clean, I go to bed.

So I decided to get a hobby! I started vocal lessons! I get to sing show tunes for an hour a week. For the first time in ages, I look forward to something! I have something that gets me out of the house after work.

But with everything in my life, there is also guilt. At times feel guilty that I'm out of the house and not home cleaning. I feel guilty that I'm not spending my time taking care of my family.

But then I realize that you can't pour from an empty cup. My life doesn't need to revolve around what I should be doing. I'm allowed to do things for me once in a while.

In fact, I'm going to be in a show in September. Wish me luck!

Thank goodness it's over.

2019-05-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've had a few things go on in the last month.

Commencement
Some weird health issues

Commencement is the same issues every year. It's 2 hours of herding cats, then a speed through to the finish.

This year Mother Nature had another plan. We had to call the Rain Plan, since our ceremony was under a tent.

That meant that we were moved to a gym. A big echo-y gym. We rolled in at 3 and had an hour to figure out how we were going to run things.

By the grace of some deity, we did it. All the students got their diplomas. The refreshments were eaten. Sadly, we ran out of cups for the beverages.

That was my capper to a weird month, which started with a pounding heart.

A few weeks before we were getting ready to go to Busch Gardens. The excision of putting on my damn pants caused my heart to pound. Like, I had to lay down. I assumed it was a panic attack, since panic attacks mimic heart attacks.

It wasn't just that. I wear an Apple Watch and noticed that my heart-rate was running a little high.

After going to the gynecologist and having my blood pressure super high it was decided that I needed a talk with my primary doctor. I was prescribed the following:

a new blood pressure med
changing my diet
exercise
lower my stress

The exercise is going well. The new medication is going well. The diet and exercise are still a work in progress. We're putting some effort in the healthy eating!

The de-stressing is going to take some work.