Adventures of the Stu Crew

Review of Crossed

2026-03-16T10:32:00.004-04:00

Crossed. by Emily McIntire

It's a dark, contemporary romantic retelling of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, part of the Never After series. I have thoroughly enjoyed this series. I am not sure if I could pick a favorite.

The FMC, Amaya, is essentially a single-mom to her autistic younger brother Quinten. She is the town pariah, works as an exotic dancer, does the best she can with the cards life dealt her. Her attitude and dislike of the judgy townspeople spoke to me on a personal level...

Cade, the MMC is, how should I say this?... a very hands-on, helpful priest. He's new to the town, speaks French (be still my love of accented men), and is instantly intrigued by our FMC.

I don't even remember when I stepped into Emily McIntire's fairytale world... 3 years ago? Anyway, after reading Scarred, Hooked and Wretched, I had trouble getting into Crossed.

Why? No idea.

So I DNFed it ages ago. It's been sitting on my Kindle. I suppose, waiting for me to circle back.

When I picked it up this time, I couldn't stop. One day. That's all it took. I literally DEVOURED it. This is exactly what I needed. I wasn't in a "reading slump" per se, but Crossed definitely sparked a frenzy. And because of it, I read 3 more books over the next few days.

Did this book change my life? Nah.

Did I have a dang good time reading it? Yep.

I am giving this baby 4 stars. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am grateful for the spark it ignited in my reading life.

It's a cruel place here on earth, filled with people who don't get it. Who choose not to understand that just because someone is different, it doesn't mean they're less than. (49)

Recapping 2024 Book Reads

2025-01-09T09:37:00.001-05:00

2024 was probably the best year of reading I’ve had… maybe ever. I set a reading goal of 40 books and blew it out of the water. I actually completed 61 in the calendar year. The goal for 2025 is 70 books.

I think I am hesitant to get started on my 2025 list because last year was just so amazing. There is a little fear that this year will not measure up. It’s already the 9th of January, and I have yet to complete a single novel.

Let’s go over some data. I am nothing if not a huge nerd.

Of the 61 books, every single one was written by a woman. Apparently, 2024 was my girliest year to date.

According to my GoodReads account, I averaged 4 days per book.

Romance and Fantasy were the two most popular genres (no surprise there).

Meghan Quinn (10), Sarah J Maas (8), and Kerri Maniscalco (6) were my most read authors.

Most of the books I consumed were in the 300-499 page range, totaling 54%. Books over 500 pages equaled about 34% of the year’s total.

Isn’t that fun?

Here are the books I absolutely devoured and will continue to recommend: (each pic is linked to Amazon for purchase, most are available on Kindle Unlimited)

2024 Best Reads

You know how sometimes you get a book-hangover? I have been in a big one since Haunting Adeline and Hunting Adeline. Even though I read 6 books after those, I haven’t been able to shake them. They were mind-altering.

My top pick for the year was Lights Out. While I was more affected by others, Lights Out was easily the most entertaining and fun read of the year. I laughed so often. It was a completely unexpected journey for me, and I loved every second.

Kerri Maniscalco’s Kingdom books really jump started the year of obsessive reading. The first Kingdom of the Wicked book had been chilling on my bookshelf for a few years. I didn’t know much about it before cracking it open. I bought it really because the cover looked like my vibe. I was nearly instantly hooked. I tore through this trilogy and then read Throne of the Fallen (#1). The second book in that series came out in the fall of 2024, but I have not purchased it yet. It’s on the TBR for 2025.

The Ruinous Love Trilogy, well the first two anyway, falls in line with Lights Out for me. I liked Leather & Lark better than Butcher & Blackbird, but they were both a really good time. I have discovered that I quite enjoy the journey through comical dark romance. I am also a big fan of the forced proximity and fake marriage tropes. And obviously, touch her and die ranks real high on my list of yes please. The final book in this trilogy is set to release on June 10, 2025.

Another surprisingly good time came complements of The Serpent & the Wings of Night and The Ashes & the Star-Cursed King. These are the first two in a four-book series called Crowns of Nyaxia by Carissa Broadbent. The Serpent & the Wings of Night had been on my shelf for while. When September rolled around, I was looking for something with vampires. This was like if the Hunger Games hooked up with True Blood. I was here for it.

Now do you see my hesitation and nervousness for beginning this year’s list? I am going to change things up a little this year. The goal is to have a little more variety in the 70 total. I am beginning the year with Eruption. My son Riley gives me a book for Christmas, and it is my first read of the following year. This year, he gifted me Eruption. So already we are slightly more diverse than last year… since this one was penned by two dudes.

Until next time, happy reading!

Chapter 13: Therapy Progress Report

2024-02-03T09:35:00.002-05:00

It has been almost one year since my ex-husband and I separated, and nearly a year since I began my journey in therapy. So much has changed since then. Life is somewhat unrecognizable.

I was reluctant to begin therapy. It feels like it was a combination of things…

I grew up in the 90’s when mental health was not a common topic, and it certainly wasn’t for preventative help or maintaining mental stability. It was (in my view) something reserved for the truly nuts. It was reserved for people with major issues – and remember I suppressed my traumas like a freaking champ, so that obviously wasn’t me. If you can’t see a problem, there is nothing to discuss with some stranger.
I did not see the value in it.
- And this was kind of true right up until about the second or third session with my current therapist. Perhaps a small part was due to the fact that I have serious issues trusting and opening up… especially to a virtual unknown human.
- But I think for me, more of the difficulty in understanding the value came from the false belief that if I just didn’t begin picking at an uncovering the traumas, they would remain relatively harmless.
- I also did not know what the end game was going to be. I like to have a goal. I appreciate knowing what I am striving for… so to go into something potentially painful and distressing without a clear understanding of the WHY or even WHAT I was trying to accomplish felt stressful.

The ending of my marriage and beginning of my therapeutic journey are intricately woven together. It is impossible to separate the two.

Things in my marriage had deteriorated to the point that I could not see straight. I was living, scratch that, surviving each day in utter panic. Things were stressful constantly, with little to no relief. My heart rate was so out of control that my watch would several times a day ask if I was ok because my heart rate was elevated without physical movement to explain it away. I wasn’t sleeping. I would find myself hyperventilating. My vision felt off, like I was in tunnel vision most of the time. I was, by all accounts, in a stress-induced panic attack. I needed to make a change. I was almost paralyzed with fear.

Part of the change was to find a professional to speak to on a regular basis. I knew I needed help. And I needed it quickly.

I began therapy in March of 2023. Again, I really didn’t know what I needed, I just needed someone to help me. I chose my therapist because her specialty is abusive relationships and sexual assaults. I thought I should find someone who would understand my problems, my stresses, my traumas. I knew I was going to need to talk about the past. That first relationship rewired me for failure… It changed me; it taught me to accept far less than the minimum; it created a sense of worthlessness in me. And I know that is a foundation for how I moved forward through life and relationships (platonic and romantic alike).

As I look back over the last year of work, I am SO proud of myself. I can honestly (and proudly) claim to be a stronger, happier, healthier version of me.

I have spent nearly every week on the couch of my therapist’s office, working through my world. Crying. Yelling. Cursing people. Cursing myself. Talking. Thinking. Trying. There have been many times when I leave her office and need to crumble on my couch. It is emotionally exhausting. It is physically demanding. It is mentally straining.

Even with all the uncertainty in the beginning and the frustration throughout, I can see major changes and improvements. I have a sense of peace and calm about me. I am more confident and excited about the future.

I was in a tunnel of darkness, therapy is making steps toward the light. And today, I feel like I can feel the sun on my skin. I am shedding the darkness. And man, it feels amazing.

Chapter 12: Choosing Positivity

2024-01-11T09:33:00.001-05:00

Apparently there were a few things I needed to get off my chest this week.

Positivity is a choice. I believe that.

When I began sharing publicly these things, I kept wondering why I was able to get through it all… truthfully, I have wondered that many times over the last few decades. Why me? Not why did this happen to me, but why am I still here?

That seems grim. It’s the truth though.

I have never considered suicide. I never fell into utter despair or complete darkness. I always wondered what my purpose was… what was I supposed to do with my life? Why save me? There was always a light – albeit sometimes dim and far away – that I could focus on.

As I have been listening to myself retell these things, as I have been talking with my close friends, family, and therapist, as I have been reading my Bible… maybe positivity saved me. Maybe extending grace saved me. I am not talking about God’s grace – yes, that saved my soul – I mean giving myself grace for not knowing how to process the abuses and rapes. I mean extending grace to the “friend” I speak about in this week’s video. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, forgiving her for something she did not know she did, allowed me to let go of the anger I could have carried forever. It was an unspeakable pain, one that continues to hurt me; however, I harbor no anger there.

Anger has the ability to eat me alive. I know this. I have a healthy amount of fear toward that emotion. Perhaps the keys to releasing anger are grace and forgiveness. Grace and forgiveness feel interchangeable sometimes, don’t they? Grace is a kindness gifted to someone else; forgiveness is letting go of the anger caused by someone else. Grace feels easier for me; forgiveness is a struggle.

So how did I choose positivity in a realistically poopy situation? I’m thinking it started with grace. I tried never to beat myself up too much because of the actions of someone else. I have reminded myself countless times that I was young, impressionable. I have held onto the peace in knowing that there is something SO much better to come. Recently I have been learning who I am, but all along I was reminding myself whose I am.

I do not say any of this from a place of braggadocious superiority but rather a place of gratitude and awe. This is an everyday battle. Every single day.

Christmas Vacation 2023

2024-01-04T09:41:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah. I know I am behind. But I have been living in the moment. Completely and thoroughly going with the flow, not forcing any specific emotions, activities, tasks. It’s been fabulous.

As I mentioned in one of my Untitled chapters, I had Christmas this year with the kiddos. I had no idea how I was going to feel this year, if I was going to really notice. Let’s be real, I was the Christmas magic maker, so that was nothing out of the ordinary. Also, my ex-husband was a police officer for many years, and there were years that he worked on December 25. And finally, I have made countless trips to my parents’ house with just the kids. I was genuinely wondering how this first divorced Christmas would feel.

So, anyway. We drove over to North Carolina on the 23rd. We were blessed with amazing traffic! I am so grateful for that. You never know what to expect driving through both Chattanooga and Knoxville, especially the Saturday before Christmas.

We met up with my family at this local pizza joint my mom and dad found. Maddie Moe’s. SO good. It’s in Butler, TN on the Watagua River. Steph, Reagan, and I split a jalapeno popper pizza. I am still dreaming about it. They closed for the week between Christmas and New Years, otherwise we would have eaten there at least once more.

This was the first time that Remy and my nephew have seen each other in a while. And although we send videos back and forth, Remy had always had it in his mind that Eli was still a baby. I kept telling him this was not true, but he would not believe me.

The moment we walked in, Eli said “Remy, I have a truck for you.” Then he handed Remy a yellow toy truck, similar to the yellow car he had. They instantly bonded and raced cars all through lunch. They were best friends for the remainder of the trip. Eli was probably only topped by Unker Scratch (Zach’s new moniker) in coolness.

Christmas 2023

I spent a large chunk of Christmas Eve wrapping presents while the kids played and hung out. I have found it is a lot easier to pack and travel with the gifts when they are unwrapped. I had them all tucked away in a solid Rubbermaid container. Each kid received a fairly large gift from Santa this year, so Santa actually left those at my house. And the monsters were surprised with another round of mini-Christmas when we returned home.

The most important task on Christmas Eve is decorating Santa’s cookies. Before we drove to NC, I whipped up a batch of our egg-free sugar cookies. At mom’s, I made the buttercream icing. We kept it simple this year… just white buttercream, with sprinkles and M&M’s. Santa wasn’t disappointed. He loved them.

Reagan and Riley wanted record players this year. I can’t believe I am that old. But I digress. Santa delivered… turtnables?

Riley’s turtnable (which is of course what we will forever call them) didn’t work. Something wrong with the speakers. So I swapped it out for a different version.

Basically, Christmas was wonderful. And it snowed the day after we left – that seems to happen every single time. We will be heading back to the mountains next month to play in the snow!

Chapter 11: Taking Up Too Much Space and Time

2023-12-20T09:31:00.002-05:00

The title is a reference to the Taylor Swift song “Tolerate It”. Yes, I am currently a super Swiftie and unapologetically so. Some of her lyrics hit hard. Like this song in particular – I have felt like I am always taking up too much space and time or how about this doozy -> my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it. I mean, whoa.

In this chapter’s video, I talked about a moment last week. Go, watch this. It’ll give the backstory and slightly more context to the rest of this post.

When I discussed all of the events of that morning with my therapist, she broke my heart. She told me that these episodes will be happening more and more often on my healing journey. Great.

Well, technically she said this is part of the healing journey. For so long, I was in survival mode. And my brain would not allow me to feel/think about/experience certain things. It was keeping me safe.

But now that I have created a space of healing, peace, and love, my brain will begin to open up and force me to face certain traumas. Things I need to heal from. I should be proud – it is a testament to the peace I have created for myself.

Hopefully these triggering moments will be few and far between. And the goal is to pinpoint what the root cause of the nervous system response is.

I am so proud of myself for the way I handled this one. I reached out for a lifeline, even just a few months ago I would not have done that. I spoke openly and honestly with myself about the moment. I gave myself the space and grace to feel that, look it right in the face, process it, and then move on from it.

One of the things I think I do really well is self-reflection. I probably borderline on being too extreme and hard on myself because of that. But I try to recognize that too.

This year has been a lot. Life has been a lot.

It is daunting to think about how long this journey is going to be. I know I still have so much sift through. BUT I feel content. Joyful even. I cannot find the proper words to express how I feel – it is a car full of all sorts of emotions – peaceful, happy, joyful, sad, lonely, stressed, nervous, anxious, grateful, and several others. All at the same time. They take turns taking the front seat.

Through it all though, I feel this overwhelming sense of peace. And always have. I am grateful for that peace. I am sure it is what has kept me pushing forward and prevented me from drowning.

Chapter 10: Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals

2023-12-12T09:28:00.002-05:00

Christmas is fast-approaching. I can not wait! Although I am a Halloween girl for sure, I love Christmas too. With all the decorations, lights, chilly temps, trees, baked goods, parties… how could you not love Christmas time?

I suppose it was more meh to me when we lived in south Florida, and it was always hot. I mean HOT. Like open the door and get hit in the face by a wall of humidity. Yuck. And that is not fun on Christmas.

Now that we live in Alabama, we get SEASONS. Actual temperature changes. It’s amazing.

I love the cold. Cold means sweater weather. Cold means bundling up in coats, boots, maybe even gloves. It means I use the seat and steering wheel warmers more than the AC in the car. It means the stockings have to be taken down because we want a fire crackling in the fireplace – heck, it means having a fireplace to hang the stockings above.

The countdown to Christmas signifies a few non-negotiables in my house. Christmas movies, Christmas cooking/baking, holiday parties, and that ridiculous elf.

Elf on the Shelf

I tried to get away from the elf tradition, but I was unsuccessful. Yes, I realize I could have dug my heels in and refused. But why? What a silly, harmless joy to deprive the kiddos.

Anyway, the bigs are responsible for the elf. This is their first taste of creating holiday magic. So far, so good. I no longer have to drag myself out of bed in the middle of the night because I forgot to move it. Win win.

The biggest win is that Remy LOVES it. He is almost 5, so this is pretty much the most magical year for holidays. He loves the lore (we create fantastical stories sometimes to explain certain things).

I have a feeling Christmas morning is going to be very exciting this year for him.

Christmas Movies

We are big fans of “movie night”. Essentially, that just means we turn off the lights for a movie screening. Sometimes we throw down a picnic blanket (Remy calls them pinkets) and eat dinner on the floor too. I know, wild and crazy!

Our must-watch holiday flicks are:

Home Alone
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Love Actually
The Santa Clause
Die Hard

Reagan and I are huge fans of cheesy holiday romance movies too. But those don’t make Riley’s short list.

Christmas Cookies

We make egg-free sugar cookies each year to leave out for Santa. I will be making a batch next week and freezing them. I will make the buttercream icing on Christmas Eve when we are ready to decorate the cookies.

I played around with some melting chocolate earlier this month. Melting chocolate and Oreos is a beautiful combo.

So, what do you look forward to the most in December?

Chapter 9: Goodbye 2023, Hello 2024

2023-12-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

As this year is nearing its close, I can’t help but reflect on what a wild one it has been. I know I joked many times that 2023 tried to kill me, but honestly, I have a sense of peace and pride when I look back at the last calendar year.

According to Kelly Clarkson, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. And isn’t that the truth?

Goodbye 2023

So yes, I experienced a few of life’s big negative stresses – divorce, job loss, moving. I also can’t ignore these chapters – I stripped myself down and shared my darkest secrets and fears.

Let’s deal with the easiest one first. The job. It feels odd to even put this on the list, but it was a big moment over the summer. And the timing of it hurt (6 days after my divorce was finalized). After getting over the sting, I picked myself up, dusted off, and got to work building the life I ultimately want and deserve.

Moving and divorce are intricately intertwined. I moved because of the divorce. The actual move was good… even though earlier that week an anxiety attack sent me to the ER. With time in my new space, I was able to relax. Through all of the self-reflecting, therapy, and researching I have done, I learned that my nervous system was resetting – I had been living in a state of flight, fight, fawn, or freeze for who-knows how long, probably decades.

This safe, calming space is what has allowed me the ability to dig into my past, evaluate my choices, and create a loving future.

I do not for one minute regret the decision to get divorced. That is not to say that it wasn’t sad, difficult, nerve-wracking, terrifying. But it was the right one.

Our marriage wasn’t perfect. Obviously. Spoiler: there is no such thing as a perfect one. The smear campaign that was launched has been quite the show (if we are being honest, it launched before I said goodbye). To quote Taylor Swift, Did you think I wouldn’t hear all the things you said about me?

One of the most important lessons I have learned – probably a trauma survivor spidey sense thing – is to pay attention when people speak badly of other people. Consider the situation… who are they speaking ill of?- is it someone they “love” or don’t like? If they will talk badly of someone they love, they most definitely will stab you in the back one day.

Remember kids, vents go into other rooms. What you say, can and will get around.

Long story real short and with very vague details, I am not ready to go into specifics. Suffice it to say, I had to go. Sometimes, that is the right choice. I don’t expect everyone to understand, not everyone has heard my side.

The final big, emotional stressor for me was opening up to share my story. I was terrified. There was no possible way for me to predict how it was going to be received. And as a friend pointed out a few weeks ago, it is emotionally exhausting to metaphorically strip down and allow everyone to look.

Hello 2024

Taking all of this stuff into consideration, I still smile when reflecting on the year. I am SO proud of myself for facing the fears – fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, and more. Those were some of the biggest steps I could ever have taken. Sometimes the ground felt shaky and unsteady, but I just kept going. One step at a time.

And now, I am confident, happy, at peace, and ready to walk into 2024 with my head held high. What will next year bring? I have no idea.

I do not like resolutions. Just the term. I love the idea of setting goals for the year. Resolutions though are usually broken. Goals, not so much.

I’ve got a handful for 2024 Mindy.

Read through the Bible.
Walk 4-5 times per week for at least 30 minutes.
Read 24 books.
Write more.

I am confident these four things will help me grow in the ways that I want.

Are you following along on YouTube or TikTok? You should be.

Chapter 8: My First Thanksgiving

2023-11-26T09:24:00.002-05:00

Well, first Thanksgiving post-divorce, without the kids. Actually, I think this is the first holiday I have EVER spent without my children.

I wasn’t totally sure what my plans were going to be or how I would feel about this. As the day approached, I experienced a full spectrum of emotions.

I figured I had a few options for how to feel about this.

Option 1 – feel sad, miserable. Whine like a child over something I cannot control or change.
Option 2 – plow forward, with a grateful heart and smile on my face.

Option 2 please. It’s not unreasonable for me to think I can be grateful this season. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have always been a glass-half-full girl. I can find a silver lining in just about the darkest places.

But seriously, isn’t there always something to be grateful for?

For me, Thanksgiving (the holiday) is a specific meal. Exactly the way my mom used to make it. Roasted turkey, homemade stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, cheesy hashbrown casserole, cranberry sauce, Parker House rolls. Mom always has deviled eggs too, but for obvious reasons, I omit them from my table.

I keep forgetting the fruit salad. My grandma’s fruit salad is always a staple at our holiday meals. My cousin posted a pic on Facebook of her Thanksgiving plate, and that’s when I noticed it. I think it escaped my memory because the base is custard… which makes it a no-go at my house.
But – it is SO delicious!

My mouth is literally watering thinking about it.

Therefore, if Thanksgiving is about a specific menu and sharing it with people I love, does the calendar date matter? No, I don’t think it does.

I made the big meal for us – that’s me and the kids – last week. We chowed down. It was so delicious. Next up was a Thanksgiving lunch at church and finally a Friendsgiving.

If you’re counting, that was 3 Thanksgiving’s for me to spend with my kids. 4 for Remy actually, since he had a feast at school.

So sure, I could be sad that my babies were going to be away for a few days… but I chose to be happy. I chose to appreciate the time I had with them and appreciate the time I had without them.

I have always been the maker of holiday magic in our house. I love holidays – decorating, festive foods, gifts, laughs, family – everything about them. But I also realize that the actual calendar date does not make the holiday special.

Will they remember missing a Thanksgiving with Mom? Unlikely, since we had 3 together (4 in Remy’s case).

Divorce has changed the landscape of our lives. Not to put too fine a point on it, but holidays should change over the course of the kids’ lives. Once they grow up and get married, they will have created a new family… a new family unit that deserves to create its own way of handling the holidays (and everything else).

If I have done my job well, all three kids will grow up, move off, get married, and create their own families and traditions.

Chapter 7: Alone

2023-11-14T09:22:00.006-05:00

This one feels a little personal for me. And I realize how nuts that sounds, since all of these chapters are personal. It’s like tearing open an old wound in order to fix it. But in this open, exposed state, I feel extremely unprotected and uncovered.

Trauma survivors learn quickly how to hide feelings because we learned that it is not always safe to let others see it. I’ve always considered not being believed and supported as the worst case. However, as I go through this process, I realize that wasn’t the worst possible scenario. The worst is when you do share with someone and that person betrays you. That hurts more than the original pain. And that betrayal has solidified the need to keep things private.

One of my favorite Taylor Swift songs is called “You’re On Your Own Kid”. The end of the song goes,

From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this
I hosted parties and starved my body
Like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss

The jokes weren’t funny, I took the money
My friends from home don’t know what to say
I looked around in a blood-soaked gown
And I saw something they can’t take away

‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the friendship bracelets
Take the moment and taste it
You’ve got no reason to be afraid

You’re on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this
You’re on your own, kid
You always have been

So, I will “make the friendship bracelets” by purposefully reaching out. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to get here… And I am proud to have made it this far.

Chapter 6: Processing by Repressing

2023-11-05T09:21:00.001-05:00

Stress will begin to affect your body if it is unprocessed and held onto for too long. Trauma must be processed in order to move forward. I am a living testament to these.

As a 16 year old, I really did not know how to handle all of those big things… Heck, as a 42-year-old, I still don’t know how. I have been talking things through with my therapist, a few close confidants, and myself. I think the most difficult part has been forgiving myself for not understanding… and extending myself some level of grace for dealing with it the only way I knew how.

Avoidance.

All of that: the relationship, the rape[s], the car incident, testifying in court. It was so huge. And it was never spoken about. I didn’t even try to wrap my head around it. I simply wished it would go away.

I don’t remember making a conscious decision to drink in order to forget… I just drank hoping it would go away.

My relationship with alcohol was clearly centered around those events. I felt (idiotically I know) that if I was drunk, there was some level of protection around the real, raw me. I could handle disappointment and disapproval because in my messed up mind, it wasn’t the real me receiving that… it was drunk-me.

I had this reputation as a “lush, spiraling dangerously out of control” for a while. But what that public perception did not see was the private me. I only drank if I was in social settings. I did not drink if I was alone. And around people (albeit there were only a few) that I trusted and felt safe with, I did not feel the need to put that drunk, fake armor on. I was able to be authentically me. Sober me.

The problem was that I struggle so badly with my self-worth. Does [insert anyone] like me? Am I good enough to be friends with [insert anyone]? Can I trust [insert anyone]? Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy of your time?

I so often felt like the answers were a resounding no. My ‘romantic’ relationships had basically taught me the answer is no.

Unfortunately, this translated also into platonic friendships as well. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the truth to be revealed… that the friendship meant more to me than to you.

I am oddly grateful for hitting my bottom. I have thanked the Lord so often that nothing irreversible happened on my way home that night. I will be eternally grateful to my parents for stepping in and making me clean up. And I will forever love the friend who took me to the meetings, held my hand, and wouldn’t let me go through it alone. That meant more to me than just about anything else in the world.

Want to help me out? Subscribe to my YouTube channel. Thanks!

Chapter 5: Anger & Forgiveness

2023-10-31T13:59:00.001-04:00

Sure the argument can be made that these are not related… but I usually think of them as complementary. Anger and forgiveness go together like steak and potatoes. Yes, you can have either separately or even with a different dish, but together they are *chef’s kiss*.

I suppose you can’t venture down a healing journey without a good, hard, honest look at these two. I know this won’t be the last time I end up discussing the idea of anger and forgiveness, because I see them as a constant. Constantly around. Constantly in need of attention.

For me, forgiveness feels more difficult to handle and control than anger. I don’t feel like I hold on to those mad feelings and let them fester in me… most of the time anyway. But I definitely struggle with the idea of true forgiveness. The kind the Bible talks about.

If each time I am wronged by someone, I get one of these little anger emojis and then when I forgive someone, does the anger emoji go away? What if the anger emoji is still there, in the background. Maybe I can go days, months, years even without ever thinking about that particular anger emoji . Is the anger emoji gone? Or just hibernating?

Is forgiveness giving that anger emoji away, or turning him into a peaceful emoji ? If that’s the case, perhaps I have not fully forgiven. I feel like my anger emoji turned into a slightly less mad version, more like . And he usually sits quietly in the background of my life.

Maybe time, space, processing will turn the red, angry faces into peace signs. I can feel that happening. I hope it does. I am not a fan of the toxic feeling those little red emojis create.

I am quite sure I will be revisiting these two at a later date.

Thanks for following along and supporting me through this.

The Bible study book I mention in the video is Seasoning Your Words by Nancy Eichman. You can use that affiliate link to order a copy.

Chapter 4: Gaslighting & Abusive Relationships

2023-10-23T13:57:00.001-04:00

I don’t know about you, but I feel like gaslighting is a hot topic right now. Maybe it’s just because my social media algorithms know what I am struggling with at the moment. Regardless, I have had gaslighting on the brain for a while now.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I believe that mental and emotional abuse are the most problematic. They are silent killers – since they are literally invisible to the outside world. Physical bruises can be spotted without much difficulty, but emotional trauma is not as noticeable.

When I was walking through the gaslighting thought, I was transported to the moment I realized I had just escaped from an abusive relationship. This moment hit me like a ton of bricks. Felt like my world had just become very unsteady.

Abusive relationships are tricky. One of the questions people usually ask is why did you stay so long? That is a difficult one to answer, as there is usually a complicated mess that goes along with it… Abuse is nuanced. It is difficult for outsiders to see, and therefore difficult for them to believe sometimes – which causes a lot of stress and anxiety for the victim. Sometimes there are other factors included in the decision to stay – ie children or finance issues. Sometimes, as in my case, it took a long time for me to come to that inescapable conclusion – I need out and this is situation is not ok.

If you need help, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local provider. Their phone number is 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) – they are available 24/7. Or you can text them by texting “START” to 88788.

Chapter 3: The Accident

2023-10-15T13:24:00.002-04:00

This was a lot more difficult than I expected. Prior to posting this, I have really only ever spoken to a few people about the events of that September day.

You can watch the video here:

It is so incredible that our brains and bodies can be transported back into a situation that happened so long ago. As I was filming, it was like I was there. The panic and fears came flooding back.

Abuse is the only crime (or one of very few) where the victim is immediately questioned and responsibility is placed on the victim. Questions like

“Why did you stay so long?”

“What did you do to make him mad?”

“What did you do to try to protect yourself?”

“What were you wearing?” (in SA situations)

Those questions all put the blame on the victim. And they remove fault and responsibility from the perpetrator. Why is that our first instinct? Why aren’t we safe-havens for people reaching out?

According to the CDC, “about 41% of women and 26% of men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner and reported an intimate partner violence-related impact during their lifetime.” [1] And only around 27% of domestic abuse cases are reported to law enforcement. Every 9 seconds, in the US, a woman is assaulted. [2]

I suppose the reason this memory is so difficult for me to speak about is because, now as an adult, I can see how lucky I am to have survived and gotten away. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time… according to the Domestic Violence Intervention Program reports that women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the 2 weeks after leaving. [2] At 16, I was unable to see this, and I am kind of glad I didn’t realize the full weight of what had truly transpired. I think that would have been too much for me. But now, looking back, it is undeniable.

I was lucky. I am lucky.

[1] Fast Facts: Preventing Intimate Partner Violence |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC

[2] Statistics About Domestic Violence 2022 (goodhousekeeping.com)

Chapter 2: The Incident

2023-10-08T12:59:00.002-04:00

I saw this pin on Pinterest the other day. I have never had a writing prompt show up before, at least not that I have noticed. And this one stopped my scroll.

I chuckled to myself. Alright. Fine. I’ll start writing.

The moment I knew I needed to leave **** was easy. It was a Sunday afternoon, I had gone to the movies with my Grandma, cousin, and sister. **** and I had gotten into a fight before because going anywhere without **** was a problem.

This is one of those big abuse signs that I didn’t notice. They like to isolate you from friends and family.

I was annoyed that we were arguing over a Sunday matinee with my Grandma. Like really? So I went. And when we walked out of the theater, he was there. Waiting. Unhappy.

An argument ensued. I am fairly certain my Grandma and cousin had left before the argument. I basically told him to get lost and that I had to run an errand for my mom before going home. The errand was to pick up a few things from the grocery store, which was in the same strip mall as the theater.

When my sister and I got to Publix, he was right on my tail. Mouthing off. Agitated.

I was nervous. Now my body is going into fight or flight. I split the list with my sister, told her to grab those things as quickly as possible and meet me in the checkout. I raced through Publix, **** was right there the entire time.

Panic level is increasing.

We make it out to the parking lot, and we are practically running to my car. My sister gets in, I almost make it into the driver’s seat. Just as I am about to sit, he reaches in, grabs me by my arms and pulls me from the car.

Absolute panic.

My sister gets out, I yell for her to get back in the car and stay there. I was able to toss the keys toward her as he begins dragging me through the parking lot.

I was yelling for help. I remember the faces of the people watching. No one helped. Everyone was just kind of frozen. This is how people get kidnapped runs through my mind.

The conversation at his truck is a blur. Lots of the normal abuser BS – I’m sorry. I just love you so much. I need you. Yuck.

I knew my parents were going to find out about this. There was going to be no hiding this scenario from them. My little sister saw the whole thing. When I was safely in my house, I called and broke up with him.

Of course, leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. And I was going to find that out soon enough.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

2023-10-04T12:55:00.005-04:00

I have gone back and forth on the idea of sharing my story for years. I have wanted to get this out of me, and storytelling has always been a way for me to process things. Lately, I have felt almost this physical need to share this stuff. October is domestic violence awareness month. Staying silent for so long has only hurt me more.

This will help me. And maybe it will help someone else too.

When you hear the term “abusive relationship”, do you immediately think of physical abuse? It has been my experience that that is the most common response. Abuse can take many forms: mental, physical, emotional, sexual, financial. Abuse is progressive. Abuse knows no prejudice – it does not discriminate.

In my experience, mental and emotional have been the most dangerous. I am not going to make light of any kind of physical abuse, but the majority of abuse I have had the hardest time healing from has been the mental and emotional abuse inflicted. They are like silent killers – it is very difficult for an outsider to see these abuses.

The systematic breakdown takes time. And it takes so much longer for the victim to recover from. Our minds play tricks on us… we gaslight ourselves; we downplay the trauma; we make excuses for the behavior of others; we take on the blame and responsibility.

And I hate it.

As this has been playing over and over in my mind lately, I can’t help but think about how I survived. More than survived, I have thrived.

I could have let this stuff swallow me whole. But I never did. Why?

A while ago, my therapist asked me what I think my best quality or characteristic is… something I am proud of being. I said, “I am resilient.” She smiled and pointed out that resiliency only comes from adversity. You can’t be resilient if you have never gone through anything. Resiliency only comes for those who have gone through hell.

Is it any wonder that Dante’s Inferno was a favorite book of mine? The journey though hell. How poetic.

So again, I am faced with why. Why did I survive and not dive into the darkness? Life has surely tried to beat me down.

When I was a teenager, I got knocked off my walk with God. I remember that night clear as day. In Bible class, when the teacher asked if there were any prayer requests, a ‘friend’ said we needed to pray for her friend ***** because Mindy was spreading lies about him and there was a court thing the next day. (This is the situation I reference in the video.)

I had not told anyone about those events. I never spoke about them. I was still trying to process it all myself. So, hearing this request felt like I had been shot right there. I felt naked, exposed, like my deepest fears had been paraded around in front of me. You know that old adage about being hit by a bus? — This felt like a train.

I declined to comment on this prayer request and then sat there, willing myself not to panic, as the class actually prayed for this guy.

After class, I told the ‘friend’ we were done, I never wanted to speak to her again. And I mentally checked out of church. I still attended with my family, and even continued going all through college. But my heart wasn’t there. I was just going through the motions.

I suppose deep-down I knew I was going to need it one day. I was going to need something much bigger than me to save me. So I never walked away completely.

I truly believe that is the only thing that saved me. God, church, the Bible saved my life. Literally, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. That foundation and absolute faith has brought me here. Without it, I would have been a goner.

I was lost. Sometimes I still feel lost.

The Bible says that all things work for the good. That doesn’t mean we won’t have difficult times or hard lives, but rather that everything works for God’s plan, His good. Maybe that’s what this is. Maybe sharing is the good. Maybe raising three really good, strong humans is the good. Perhaps one day I will get the answer.

Wow! Summer 2023 was... interesting

2023-08-30T12:35:00.001-04:00

I have been trying to figure out how to lump all of the last several months into a proper post. It is time to rip the bandaid off and just say it: Summer 2023 was interesting. It was full of extreme highs and big lows. Let’s see, we had several surgeries, 2 trips to the lake, job loss, and a divorce.

Compartment Syndrome Surgeries

We found out in March that Reagan has compartment syndrome. She runs track, and this past winter her legs started hurting. A lot. For a while, she was being treated for shin splints. However, after nearly 3 months of physical therapy, she was not feeling any better. A few more tests were performed by her ortho, and it was decided that Reagan has compartment syndrome in both legs. Surgery was going to be necessary.

Side Note: This is how the doctor described it to us. Reagan’s muscles are like over-stuffed sausages. When she exercises, the blood circulation causes a lot of pressure and pain in the muscle casings. The doctor was going to make 2 separate 2″ incisions in the muscle casing to allow them to expand. Once the incisions are made, the doc expects Reagan’s muscles to “poof” out.

The surgeries needed to be done in the summer and would be about 6 weeks apart. She would be off it for 2 weeks (crutches in public, boot around the house), then PT.

Reagan’s first surgery was her first day of summer. It was a rough one. The surgery itself went great, her muscles popped out the way the doctor was expecting them to do. The recovery for this first one was rough. It was a solid week before she was up, moving around and feeling a little better.

The second surgery was perfect. Reagan recovered so much faster. As I type this, she is one-week post-op and walking around the house in her boot. She still has a few months of PT ahead of her, but life (and track) will be SO much better for her now!

A Week at Lake Watuaga

If you know me, you know I LOVE boating. If I can be on a boat, count me in! The kids and I spent 4th of July week at the lake. What is an even bigger deal, for me, is that I actually took 2 entire days off while there! It was incredibly nice to fully unplug and play around with the kids.

We spent so much of that week on the boat. Remy prefers to drive – full throttle obviously. This works out, since the bigs like to just ride, bounce over the waves, and soak up the sun.

Remy loves anything outside. He had a blast fishing with Grandpa. They fished from the dock, and Remy talked him into fishing from the kayak.

And of course, while in NC/TN we had to swing by Ashe County for some jam, cheese and fudge. It’s a tradition and requirement. Since I am currently between jobs, the kids and I are going to play at the lake again before school starts. I can’t wait actually. There is something so peaceful about the lake and very little cell service.

Goodbyes in Summer of 2023

There was a week in July that I was not expecting. My divorce was finalized and I lost my job. All in a 7-day span. This was one of the craziest roller coasters ever.

I am still reeling a little from both.

The divorce was fast. The speed at which that happened still shocks me. We split in February. I asked for a divorce in March. It was filed in April, and signed by the judge in July. It still feels unreal. I know I have been tight-lipped about it, and I might stay that way.

The job was a big blow. Initially, it threw me into a panic tailspin. I mean, I am a single mom. The weight and fear of financially providing for my kids hit me like a truck. But I have been through MUCH worse in my life.

Well, now that all of that is out in the open… what should I do next?

I'm Not Funny?

2015-02-05T16:06:00.002-05:00

Wait, what?

In my last installment I shared with you Buddy's thoughts on who's funny and who isn't. According to him, I am smart but not funny.

My Mom apparently shares his point of view. She told me the other day that my HubPage articles are fine, but they "aren't funny like you usually are".

Hmmm. Not funny? Challenge accepted.

This entry is about my Mom.

About a year ago, my parents got a baby German Shepherd. Let's call her The Beast - that's not her name in real life. The Beast was a cute little puppy when they brought her home. She quickly became pretty large. Now, even though she isn't even 1 year old, Buddy could easily ride on her. She's a big girl.

And she's really young... so she's a giant, very playful, rambunctious, HUGE puppy. I have no idea what she weighs right now, but I'd be willing to guess it's somewhere near what my sister Steph weighs.

The Beast has razor sharp teeth. And a very powerful jaw. A while ago, she was playing around with my Dad and her teeth grazed his hand... poor Dad, his hand was quite cut up.

When The Beast was little[r], Mom would take her to PetsMart to buy different doggy things. She would joke about how The Beast would basically lead her around the store. Even as a little thing, The Beast has always been super strong. Mom would also love the terrified look of other shoppers when they'd notice the Shepherd barreling down the aisle toward them. The picture of this makes me smile... I can just see it. Some idiot, either carrying her tiny dog in a purse or [worse] pushing it in a stroller, would squeak in panic when 50 or more pounds of terrifying dog would come galloping up the aisle dragging her owner behind her. Anyway, now that The Beast is the size of a small horse, I think their PetsMart days are behind them. But don't quote me on that.

All of this is just backstory. You needed to know a tiny bit about The Beast before I could tell you the rest.

My mom's neighbors have some animals. 2 goats, and probably some other stuff that I don't know about. This story involves one of the goats.

Mom was on the patio grilling hot dogs for her grandkids. The Beast was loose in the yard, playing for a bit. Mom sees one of the goats standing near the fence. Then the goat jumps over the fence and into our yard. The Beast hasn't noticed yet. Mom attempts to get The Beast back into the garage (it's her air conditioned dog house). The Beast thinks Mom is being playful. Then she spots the black little snack and off she goes.

The chase is on.

Mom goes in for a minute to tell the kids to stay inside. Then she hears a goat screaming. The Beast won their race.

Mom finds them tangled up. The goat's leg locked in the immovable jaw of The Beast. Mom wrestles with collar around The Beast's neck... and then tries to pry her jaws apart. She succeeds. The goat begins to limp away. The Beast sees her afternoon snack moving, and bites again. Somehow Mom does not get bit or even scratched during this battle. A few minutes more of Mom wrestling The Beast who is wrestling the goat. Then the goat is let free and takes off.

The Beast and Mom are still standing there. Mom's hand is securely wrapped up with the Beast's collar. Then The Beast decides to lunge for the goat again. Mom is taken along for the ride. Complete with a belly flop onto the ground. This doesn't just happen once. Mom belly flops twice before letting go completely. *

The Beast is securely back in her dog house. After an hour of texts, the neighbors finally come to get their injured goat. Mom is talking to one of the ladies. Neighbor is worried... Would the Beast attack their small dog? Mom says "I don't think so." - to which Neighbor says "Well you didn't think she'd bite a goat either."

Mom feels a tad guilty. I think the goat was in her yard. The neighbors know she has a killing machine. How about anything in Mom's yard is fair game for The Beast?

* Mom is ok from her fall. Her shoulder is a little sore from the dog yanking hard. She's mostly just super impressed with The Beast's strength.

HA!

2015-01-06T18:28:00.001-05:00

Two things to share. Both I found funny.

First, Rea came home with a spiral notebook in her backpack. I had never seen it before. Apparently they have them at school... not sure what the total point is or when they are allowed to draw/write in them. Anyway, I flipped through the book. Honestly I wanted to see how often I appear in it. Yeah, narcissistic, I know. Whatever. I own it.

About halfway through I found this gem:

I asked Rea what it was. She laughed and said "Oh I drew a picture of Grandpa dropping me on my head." She didn't give any reason other than she was thinking about it and drew it. I laughed.

For those who don't know, this actually happened. Almost a year ago on a trip to Georgia and North Carolina. It was an accident and all is well. Added bonus, the ER in po-dunk GA is actually pretty good.

Ok, next story.

Buddy and I were just chilling for a minute. He looked at me and said "Your Dad is so funny."
I said, "Yeah, he is."
Buddy, "Your Mom is not that funny."
I laughed and asked, "Wait, are you talking about me and Dad or Grammie and Grandpa?"
Buddy, "Grammie and Grandpa. That's your Mom and your Dad. That's what I said."
Me, "You don't think Grammie is funny?"
Buddy ponders this for a minute, "Ummm.... No, not really. Not like your Dad. He's funny."
Me, "Why do you keep calling them that?"
Buddy, "That's who they are."
Me, "True, but they are also your Grammie and your Grandpa. So you can call them that."
Buddy, "Huh, that's totally true Mom. You are smart."
Me, "Smart but not funny?"
Buddy, "Right. Grandpa is funny."

Well there you have it.

Did That Just Happen?

2014-12-31T20:57:00.001-05:00

We've had one of the busiest holiday breaks ever... I know everyone probably feels that way. But seriously I am hanging on by a thread and LOTS of caffeine.

Rea's birthday is right after Christmas. She turned 7 this year. I cannot believe that. It seems like only yesterday she was displacing my ribs. Because I felt bad for last year's disastrous illnesses and stuff, I gave in and decided to go all out for her birthday this year. She had a birthday party that literally lasted Friday through Monday. Friday was a sleepover with three friends. Saturday we had lunch at her favorite pizza place, saw a matinée (Into the Woods - AWESOME), finished off the night at dinner with my family. Sunday Rea flew to Orlando with my parents for a shopping trip and back. Monday we hosted a BBQ at our house with Shane's family.

Birthday selfie at school - classroom celebration

Monday is the day I'd like to talk about.

We borrowed a bounce house from our church for all of the birthday party fun. But about 2 minutes after Wendy and I set it up on Friday, it rained. Until Monday morning. Blah. Shane and Scotty drained it on Monday. Even though it was wet, it was functional and the kids and cousins could jump.

So after nearly a week of partying and hours that day of being outside playing, chatting, eating and watching kiddos, we had all basically moved inside. From in the kitchen, we noticed a little girl following Aunt Sue around. I couldn't tell who it was... We only know one family on our street, and this child didn't look like she had the right kind of hair to be Rea's little neighbor friend.

I went out to investigate.

I could NEVER have guessed what I'd be walking up on.

The child, who I had NEVER seen before was crying hysterically in my front lawn. I don't mean little crying. I mean full blown screaming crying. I thought something was seriously wrong... like she was lost, or maybe her family was brutally murdered and she needed help (that's how crazy she was).

So I asked. Is everything ok? Sweetie, what's wrong? Are you lost?

She SCREAMED at me that she was upset she wasn't invited to our party. I kid you not. Screamed. Hysterics. Crying like a maniac.

I was totally stunned by this. I cocked my head to the side. And said "who are you? We don't know you."

It was so insane that I don't remember how the whole thing went down. I will never forget her screaming that she saw the bounce house in our backyard and wanted to bounce in it. She did not like that she wasn't invited to do so. She apparently must have said something to one of our kids, because she told me they told her they were all done and going inside (I bet they thought she was cray-cray too, although not a single child has said anything to me about it). She yelled at me that the kids went inside and she wasn't included and didn't like that.

I asked her again if she was lost. Because I swear on my life I have never, prior to that day, seen this kid. She said no she wasn't lost. She pointed to her house. Awesome, she's close. The people pleaser in me was trying to reason with her, but finally I just walked away. We closed the garage and all went inside. The guys went right out back and deflated the bounce house.

So now that's it's been a few days... I still can't stop laughing when I think about it. It was so bizarre. But it makes me really question parents these days.

Is it really socially accepted to just let your 7 year olds run around neighborhoods without any supervision? It seems that that's the case in our 'hood. Maybe it's cause we are a LEO family, but I don't even let mine play outside without me watching. And they certainly are not allowed to GO TO A STRANGER'S HOUSE without me! Are you kidding me?

** I'll be posting some photos of "Rea's Week of Birthday Fun" on our family site - in the "Say Cheese" page

Run Fatty Run

2014-12-22T10:19:00.001-05:00

Tis the season to be bloated.

Seriously. I am not happy when I look in the mirror. Actually, sometimes the mirror lies to me and makes me think I look good... then I see a photograph and am like "AAHHH! You suck Mirror!"

I have been on a cruel weight yo-yo since I began popping out children. I think that this is true for most Mommies. I don't think I'm special or alone in this horrible cycle. Which on one hand is comforting, on the other I'm still fat and unhappy.

My real wake-up call was two years ago when on Christmas morning my Grandmother (instead of saying hello) looked at me and said "Oh no, are you pregnant again?!" I stood there shocked for a minute, trying to decide how to respond. My sister started laughing. I said, "No, I'm not. But thanks."

I can't even bring myself to share a full-body photo from this Christmas. Ugh.

I guess I should have thanked LaLa. Since she did inspire me to begin running. As we looked at the Christmas pictures later that night I saw the giant cow she was talking about and didn't like it. Something had to change.

We lived with my parents at the time. It became a large family effort to all get in shape. My sister (who lives in Gainesville) had been running for quite some time and had lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. She shared with us the apps she used to get in the habit and train her body.

I went hard and strong for about a year... lost 20 lbs. Looked and felt amazing. Ran a 5K race with my sister and Dad. Then fell off the wagon. Slipped back into my lazy life. I have made millions of excuses not to go out and pound the pavement. But alas, the fat girl is back in pics. I have put all 20lbs back on. While I was laying in the hospital, I was thinking about my life (what else is there to do when you don't have the energy to move?). If I am being totally honest, I was the happiest when I was running on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, actually running 5 miles sucks. But I felt great, strong, proud and not as stressed.

Go Jackie! Look how amazing she is! Running her first 10-miler.

Time to get back into it. I started off slow this week... Walked a few miles a few days this week. It felt good. I don't trust my lungs totally yet to do a full on run. But I think I'll be beginning the 5K app again this week. We shall see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Below is a link to my running article on HubPages. Check it out. Hope you enjoy it.

http://hub.me/agro4

Where Do Babies Come From?

2014-12-15T22:06:00.000-05:00

It's one of those conversations that you know, as a parent, you’re going to have to have. Someday, some kid is going to ask. And you have to respond.

Well for me that day was earlier this week. And the child was Buddy.

I had been home from the hospital for maybe one day. I was in the kitchen doing the dishes. He was sitting at the kitchen table coloring and telling a crazy story. Every single thing that Buddy does comes complete with an intricate tale. This time was no different.

“Mom, where do babies come from?”

I freeze. Hmm. How should I respond to my almost 5 year old?

“Well, Mommies and Daddies make babies.”

Buddy thinks about this for a minute. “That’s crazy. How?”

Moment of truth.

I say, “Well, that’s how God set it up Bud. I’ll explain the details when you’re older.”

He accepted this. “Ok. Well, I would like a brother. Can you make me one?”

“No, sorry Buddy. Mommies and Daddies have to want to make a baby at the same time... and your Mommy and Daddy do not want that right now.”

Buddy looked a bit disappointed. Then after a minute asked, “Is there like a store we could go to and just buy a baby brother?”

I chuckled and said that sadly there is no such store.

Oh Asthma...

2014-12-08T07:36:00.000-05:00

*written on Dec 8, 2014, on our family website (www.stucrewfun.com)

I'm not sure what people in general really know about it. I feel like people say "Oh yeah, I have that too sometimes." Or "My [insert random relative or friend] has that." Or it's just a blank stare.

I was diagnosed at age 5 with it. I am fuzzy on all of the details, because I was 5 years old. But I do know that my pediatrician sent me and my mom to Gardens Hospital one morning and I was kept for nearly a week. There I had the great pleasure to meet Dr. John P Faraci. He was, for half of my life, the most important doctor. When I was little, my asthma was a direct result of allergies. I am off the scale allergic to dogs and top of the scale allergic to cats. There are other triggers too, but for me, those are the quickest way to land in the ER.

For about 10-15 years, I did allergy shots regularly. I think my ER visits were minimal, but you'd have to ask my mom.

Things started to clear up and seem relatively easy for me around my early 20s. I wasn't using a rescue inhaler often. By my late 20s I didn't even have a running script for them. Big deal in my world.

I quit smoking in 2011. I know, a person with chronic asthma smoked? Yes. I did. For way too many years. The important thing is that I stopped. Quitting wasn't hard. I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to smoke anymore. And that was it. Sure, I missed it now and then. But it's not something I ever want to get back into.

So even though quitting was "good for me" it actually had an adverse reaction on my asthma. About a month after putting down the smokes, I went to Gardens ER with tightness and difficulty breathing. I got the steroids and breathing treatments I needed. But my heart rate shot up and wouldn't come down - broncho-dialators cause an elevated pulse rate, but mine was in the 140s with no sign of slowing. So I was admitted. I spent 3 days there.

When I got out, I looked up Dr Faraci and went to see him. He told me that it was probably the fact that I stopped feeding my lungs so much garbage. And that I'd have to wait this out.... with his help. So for about a year, I was his patient again. In and out getting the help I needed.

Then I was back in the clear. I haven't had an asthma issue in a good two years. I thought things were going well.

3 weeks ago I started to feel a little tight again. I thought, "Hmmm... I wonder if I have any medication left." I looked. Didn't find anything. Didn't look very hard. But just kept pushing through. It wasn't bad enough to where I thought I needed to seek immediate help. I've felt that way before, this wasn't that. This had a slower onset.

So I pushed through. My sister's wedding weekend. Thanksgiving shows and parties at school. Fulfilling framing orders. Making Thanksgiving dinner. But by Black Friday, I just felt miserable. I was really getting winded easily. And I had some sinus crap on top of it. I went to the Urgent Care. They diagnosed me with a sinus infection (shock). And even though I wasn't wheezing, she gave me some nebulizer meds to take home and a new rescue inhaler. I thought "I can do this."

Well, it didn't work. The antibiotics were working on my sinuses, but the asthma meds didn't seem to be doing anything. I decided on Sunday to visit the ER. Sometimes you just need a good strong dose of something.

They kept me for most of the day. I was blasted with 3 breathing treatments and given an IV dose of steroids. This helped. I felt better. They sent me home with steroid pills to take and instructions to come back if I didn't improve.

The week was hard. In hindsight, I should have taken a day or two off and just rested. But it's the holidays. And I have two little kids. Who has time for that? I jumped right back in. And did not get any better. So after nearly passing out while shopping in Publix one night, making dinner at the house another, and working in my frame shop, I knew it was time to head back to the hospital.

I was admitted on Thursday night. And it looks like I'll be here until Tuesday. I can't believe how bad it got this time and how much medicine I needed to open my airway and keep it open. I feel like for the first time in a few weeks I can breathe. Shane was here earlier today and we went for a walk around my floor. I showered. And I was able to talk with him. All without needing to pass out for an hour or so after! Big improvement!

I am hopeful that the plan of action to trim down my med dosage today will be well-handled by my body. If it is, I think I can go home tomorrow!

I miss my babies! I miss my bed. I really want to soak in a bomb-infused bath for like an hour to wash the hospital off. Then I want to snuggle with my monsters some more.

This Kid Totally Kills Me

2014-11-16T13:17:00.000-05:00

Buddy has the funniest personality. I can't see into the future, but I would not be the least bit surprised if he is voted Class Clown in high school. The kid is an absolute nut. At our parent/teacher conference this semester, his teachers just laughed and laughed telling us silly Buddy stories. They think he'll be a writer when he grows up... I could see that too. Everything he does is accompanied by a story. The stories are really detailed and hysterical.

This morning, the kids were piled onto my bed. I was trying to get a minute or two of sleep before dragging my exhausted butt out of bed... Then Buddy launched into another anecdote. It was about a new character we had not previously heard of. Here's a snippet of the conversation:

Bud: Well he was looking crazy in the corner. My new friend. His name is Shampoohelloshampoo.

Rea: giggling

Me: Shampoo Hello Shampoo? That's funny.

Bud: I know. He's a funny guy. He looks weird.

Rea: His middle name is Hello? So people call him Shampoo Shampoo? Because people usually don't use other people's middle names.

Bud: No. His middle name is Bobby.

Rea & Me: laughing hysterically now

Me: Oh, so Shampoohelloshampoo is all one word? What's his last name?

Bud: Well, that's the strange part. His last name is Shampoohelloreagan.

Rea: nearly falls off the bed in hysterics.

Me: So your friend's name is Shampoohelloshampoo Bobby Shampoohelloreagan? Wow. That's a mouthful.

Bud: I know, it's crazy. But that's his name.

Rea: It's so long... how does he write it on his papers at school?

Bud: Well, that's the hard part for him. He is learning to write really tiny letters.

*****

Oh Buddy, I love your imagination. I love your conviction. I hope you don't ever lose this creativity. I hope that one day I am standing in a Barnes and Noble holding your best seller. You are the greatest storyteller I know. Rea and I love hearing about all of your friends, like Prince Buggyfan of Neverblue, King Boogerbutt, Kelvin, and Queen Picklejar.

We've Moved!

2013-09-22T09:39:00.003-04:00

Hey friends, family and followers - Our blog has moved!

We now have an official website! Check it out!

http://stucrewfun.com

I hope you'll love it as much as I do!