Adventures of ToxicGirl

It Might be a Magical Pill, but You'v Got to Believe.

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:46:00 +0000

It's been a year since my last post which might be some kind of internet record for time-in-between posts, but I hardly visit blogs, so I could be wildly mistaken. In my mind, I had abandoned my blog for various reasons never to return—mainly because I felt that I had said all that I could say on the subject of TSM and my experiences with it. But after another year's adventure, I felt the need to write a wee bit more....

Last December's "cured" state was short lived. As the months rolled on, my drinking sadly and predictably slowly increased. I was back to drinking every single night and the only consolation was the fact that I wasn't polishing off a whole bottle of wine like I did in the old days...TSM progress? I continued this pattern with little fanfare, dutifully popping my naltrexone, waiting an hour (many times only 30 minutes), and then drinking. This continued until July 2011 when once again, a serious physical issue forced me to take a closer look at what alcohol was doing to my body. I had a choice, continue to drink for that short-lived buzz, quickly followed by overeating, fatigue, and depression OR stop drinking and heal my body and avoid surgery. I chose the latter or rather it chose me because I did not want surgery.

Once again, like my last self-imposed abstinence, I felt myself crippled with fear with the thought of not having a wine glass welded to my hand by 6pm every night. And just like last time, this fear was hugely inaccurate. I simply started, 6pm rolled around, I stared into the abyss, and then made myself a cup of green tea and never looked back. It's now been about 5 months without any alcohol.

I have to admit that I was pretty down on TSM this past year. I felt abandoned, betrayed, duped, and angry. And just when I was finally ready to throw in the towel and declare TSM a load of hooey....it starts to work! Lo' and behold through the months of TSM twists and turns, mini miracles, confusion, rage, and setbacks...all along I guess that pink little pill was tinkering in my brain and doing its job. I say this with 90% confidence because who know where I will be in another year? All I know is the "right now", and right now not drinking is effortless—I could take it or leave it—as all fellow alcoholics know, THIS IS HUGE.

The biggest reason I believe TSM is working for me is simply because stopping drinking was so effortless and not drinking is also effortless. I've also been through many triggers, from stress to funerals to close proximity to hotel mini bars and these too have been easy to breeze through. I could not say this pre-TSM whenever I abstained. Abstaining before "enrolling" in TSM was coupled with extreme WANT. I'd sit and watch others drink with such longing in my heart and eyes (think Puss with the big eyes in the Shrek movie series) and I thought, "how am I going to get through a lifetime of mini torture sessions? I'm bound to blow torch someone very soon."

So there you go, for now I'm 5 months sober, my health has greatly improved, and I don't miss alcohol. I repeat, I don't miss alcohol which is absolutely freakin' awesome! As I type, I have 4 bottles of wine sitting on my coffee table (a gift from in-laws) which would normally be a temptation too hard to resist, but they sit there like a neglected senior citizen in a home. I don't want anything to do with them....for now.

To all my dear fellow alcoholically challenged friends out there in this mysterious, frustrating universe—don't give up, don't ever give up. Happy 2012! I'll keep you posted!

Eeeeee, Gads!

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 21:38:00 +0000

Time flies! It has already been almost 2 weeks since my last post (OK, I wrote that sentence 3 weeks ago and then stopped). So NOW it has been 5 weeks since my last mini-post from my Blackberry.

Words are a horribly inferior tool when trying to communicate the most important things in life, so that is probably part of the reason I've been avoiding committing words to my blog these days. I think Albert Einstein had a pretty good grasp of this frustrating predicament when he proclaimed, "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." Good ol' Albert.

I think one must apply a lot of imagination and throw logic and practical knowledge out the window when gallivanting around in this crazy world of TSM.

Anyone who has read even just a handful of my posts can tell that my TSM journey has been a rocky one. And this moment in time isn't any different, other than the jubilant fact that I'm dwelling in the "cured" zone....for now.

Let me back up for a moment. A month ago I scheduled minor surgery and because of this I needed naltrexone out of my system. For those of you who don't know naltrexone is classified as a pure opiate antagonist. This means that it blocks and reverses the physical effects of drugs such as morphine, codeine, and other drugs classified as narcotics. So if I were to go skipping into the hospital on naltrexone, the lovely opiate elixir slipping into my arm via IV would be rendered useless.

I read what seemed to be legitimate knowledge from a physician that one needs to stop taking naltrexone 72 hours prior to surgery. I'm a bit cautious, so I decided to give it 10 days just in case I happened to be a freak of nature. This also meant cutting out the booze unless I dare go down the insane road of drinking again without naltrexone. "No way" said one of the more saner little voices in my head. This is what happened....

....I welled up with fear and I was very scared—scared like a child in the dark with a monster lurking under the bed. S-C-A-R-E-D!!! But BIG quickly evaporated into SMALL when I found that I not only could easily forgo alcohol, but I had absolutely no desire to drink any. There wasn't even one tiny molecule in my body desiring a drink. I found this delightful, but equally bizarre, as well.

After surgery the hospital sent me home with some happy pills, so I was left with the decision--do I take the painkillers and assuage my pain or do I put up with the pain, take my naltrexone and settle into the couch with a nice glass or two or three or four of wine? I chose the pain pills—partly because of the pain and partly because I also enjoy painkillers (sad, but true).

Cut to the present—surgery was 2 weeks ago, my pain is gone and so is my Percocet, sooooo I can start drinking again, but here's the funny thing, I simply don't want to! I'm now left with a bagful of neurotic questions: when will I drink? when will I want to drink? When I finally do drink, will I jump back into it on a daily basis again? I have no answers to these questions, but I think I am starting to understand what's happening....

....A cured TSMer said something to me a little while ago that has stuck on me like glue. He said, "TSM isn't the panacea that we all hope it to be". I've also heard more than one TSM expert say that individuals that make it to a cured state are "highly motivated". I think I realized this on my own awhile ago, but largely chose to ignore it because who wants to do any real work? Besides, Eskapa's book says right on the cover, "Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort". I truly wanted to believe this, but it simply is rubbish (at least for me)—I DID and DO need willpower! He is right about the "without discomfort" because more accurately it is more like torment and hellish agony.

I've been doing TSM since January 2010 and I thought I was highly motivated, but more truthfully, I was highly excited about this little magic pill doing all the magic. But deep down I knew I needed to do more if this process was going to work, even Eskapa encourages positive activities as part of the TSM protocol. I made token efforts, but nothing substantial.

I finally stepped out of my comfort zone, tired of the merry-go-round and added "eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR for short) which is a complex psychological methodology which accelerates the treatment of a wide range of pathologies and self-esteem issues related to upsetting past events etc. (whew, that's a mouthful!). I found a few studies that said it helps people with addictions and that was enough to convince me to try it.

I think taking this step and making my first EMDR appointment was very symbolic for me; it made me realize that I really do care about myself and taking this step was a big missing ingredient in my TSM journey—it was like I was trying to make an apple pie without the apples. Addictions are like a huge snarly, tangled, twisted, perplexing, complex hairball that not only require, but demand in a shrieking voice that we do more than just take a pill to get rid of them. Just think, it only took me 10 long and often painful months to figure this out!

Of course, I know only time will tell, but right now I'm feeling pretty cured. Since November 5th up until last night I was abstinent. Last night I had (literally) 4 ounces of red wine after dinner. I didn't even really want it, but I've just been so curious how I would react once I had that jewel colored liquid on my lips. Would I desire the entire bottle? It was enjoyable, but not earth shattering and after it was gone I was off to something else. Edgar Cayce said "healing rests upon having an ideal and purpose for wanting to get well" and I think he's 100% right.

Posting on an iPhone...

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 23:02:00 +0000

...crazy! Typing on this thing is as frustrating as one of those dreams where you are trying to scream and nothing comes out. But when the mood strikes, it is time to share even if it means typing with one pinky.

For sanity, I needed to take a very long break from myself and this blog. TSM, however, is not something I have taken a break from and never will because it works, but it does not work as quickly as the literature out there says. I am on month 9 for example and I still am not cured, but my drinking is at a civilized level which is thrilling. I am currently on holiday in the UK which prompts me to drink like a Viking, but I have been drinking like a "normal" person (impossible in my pre TSM days). Normal to me--on holiday--is 2 or 3 glasses of wine in the evening and I"ve done this with ease on this trip.

Pinky cramp! More coming soon!

Week 24: Quick Posting for the Dog's Sake

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 22:40:00 +0000

I just realized that it has been over a week since I've shared my "progress" or more accurately my life in the TSM Twilight Zone, so here I am writing a quickie post because my dog is looking at me with very sincere, intense eyes and she won't let me write for very long when she has walking on her mind.

Tired of counting units, tired of dealing with alcohol, tired of TSM, tired of being tired of TSM, I forced myself to go AF a few days ago and I do mean forced. I went away for the weekend and purposefully left my naltrexone all by its lonely self on my kitchen counter. So when cocktail hour rolled around I had no choice, but to abstain. If I didn't, I would start to undo the work I've so carefully done on my brain with naltrexone for the past 6 months....not an option. I had an explosion of panic both nights that felt like an eternity, but alas clocked in at less than 5 minutes and then my brain was on to other things like dinner, doggie belly rubs, and old movies. I must say I'm surprised how easy it was given my level of fear at the very thought of not having a glass of booze in hand.

The few days prior to my AF days were equally pleasant because I was effortlessly able to stop at 2 or 3 units at dinner. Of course, just when I start to feel confident the mist of the twilight zone rolls in and my behavior turns its back on my truest desire and deepest need (not to drink!). Somewhere between day 1 and 7 of week 24, I drank more than a bottle of champagne and stumbled into bed with a nightcap, oh, the misery I can bestow upon myself in the dark hours of the night. Needless to say, I woke up angry and with the lovely gift of a whopping headache that didn't go away all day long.

Week 25 started yesterday and my AF and low units joy is equally matched with fear and worry that I must beat off with a stick at times. But it is OK, I'm getting used to it. My dog, on the other hand could care less, she just wants to go pee on a tree.
Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 24: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units • 33units • 30units • 24units

Week 23: Yes? No? Maybe? Sort of.....

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:46:00 +0000

I rolled into week 23 with the confidence of a samurai warrior and a string of low unit evenings. Then for no obvious reason I popped open a bottle of champagne and watched it disappear completely. It's boiling here in Virginia, so the first few icy cold glasses were a joy, but that is no excuse to guzzle the entire bottle. Where did the nice lady with a 2 drink limit disappear to? I haven't a clue and clearly she decided to take a mini-holiday because the next 2 nights were filled with almost as much. (actually, I'm not 100% certain about one of these nights because I didn't have access to my handy Pyrex glassware measuring cup which has tallied my units from the beginning). Luckily, last night I got it back down to a civilized amount (4 units), but this took a little bit of thought and a dash of effort which I didn't mind at all. I'm actually getting better at the "effort" thing....thank you TSM!

I truly feel like I'm in a deep, immeasurable space--The Sinclair Method abyss--filled with kindred spirits bumping around in the dark experiencing agony, confusion, and brief moments of euphoria. I'm 23 weeks into TSM, I've had many moments of feeling cured and then the pendulum swings to moments of excessive drinking and I find myself desperately searching for answers or more specifically reassurance. I'm not alone, we "not-yet-cured" who come in all shapes and sizes, from binge drinkers to daily wine drinkers to strictly bourbon drinkers, are all looking at TSM and wondering, "how does one measure and quantify all of this information and glimmers of different behavior?"

I walk around all day with TSM floating in my head and my naltrexone safely tucked away in my shiny pill caddy that never leaves my side. I have no words of wisdom for myself or anyone else, I just know this journey continues like it will for many and where the bus stops, nobody knows. Actually, here is where I'd like to throw in a registered complaint. Many people read Dr. Eskapa's brilliant book, The Cure for Alcoholism, and prepare themselves for the short ride of 3-4 months to being cured like it's a trip to the corner candy store. Maybe this timeline is true for Finns (TSM trials took place in Finland), maybe they are a calm and predictable lot and the rest of the world is a complicated, erratic group of souls. Whatever the case may be, it doesn't bode well to have this handful of months dangled in front us because we are already a vulnerable and insecure lot. Many cured TSMers have taken 8 months or more, but even knowing this fact our bubbles burst a little bit when we find ourselves way over the 4 month threshold and are still experiencing alcoholic behavior.

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I'm rolling up my sleeves for week 24!

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 23: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units • 33units • 30units

Week 22: The Cure is Skulking About

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:33:00 +0000

It's been a wild few weeks—upping my dose to 100mg, pulverizing it, feeling like a zombie, panic, going back down to 50mg and then, nothing less than a mini miracle...

...A cured TSMer mentioned to me not long ago that he chews his naltrexone and it makes all the difference in the world. I dismissed this suggestion like I would a Jehovah Witness at my door—quickly and with little doubt or remorse. But then I thought, I've tried almost everything else, so why not this? Chewing is not the same as pulverizing (which I did last week then read, it may not be safe . See Post, Week 21: 100 mg is the Magic Number) and since the pill has a score down the middle which indicates it can be cut in half, I thought, "why not?" Well, it did indeed, "make all the difference in the world."

The last three nights I've been hanging out with friends and celebrating birthdays which usually means a steady flow of wine and laughter, but something wonderfully strange happened. I chewed my bitter naltrexone (I couldn't get the bits that stuck in my teeth out fast enough) and never appreciated orange juice so much because it washed the nastiness away pretty quickly. Five seconds of discomfort was definitely worth what followed—I drank like a normal person--2 units two nights and 1.5 units one night.

Whenever I've introduced effort in this TSM process, I start to worry and obsess about alcohol and scrutinize and question my every move--what makes this any different from my pre-tsm days? It's a miserable and exhausting place to be in and little else gets accomplished. So the biggest and best part of these last few days is the fact that my low units took absolutely no effort on my part. I repeat, absolutely no effort. In other words, I'd think, "do I want another drink?" And 100% of me said, "no".

I find myself contemplating shouting this from a rooftop, but I will refrain from this and just jump for glee in my head for now and keep chewing that bitter pill and see where the rest of the week takes me.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 22: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units • • 33units

Week 21: Patience, actually, is the Magic Number...

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 19:21:00 +0000

....I know, I know, I've said it before, but I guess I need to say it again.

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."--John Quincy Adams

It seems no matter how much I bargain with the devil, dally with my dosage, or pray for a speedy recovery, TSM will take its own sweet time and that's that! After upping my dose to 100 mg for 7 days and noticing immediate results, I'm just as quickly scaling back to 50mg again. Why? Because I noticed the medication lingered in my system the next day, causing an uncomfortable foggy malaise (in other words, it didn't metabolize out of my system quickly). It may have brought my units down, but at too heavy of a price.

Pharmacological extinction is a process by which addictions are unlearned (extinguished) and this isn't a quick fix; it's also largely like a magic show--the real work going on in your brain is behind the curtain. Yes, a lucky few get cured in 3 to 4 months, but the majority of us will be on this journey for a much longer time. Why, why, why do I keep forgetting this? Not to mention, watching my consumption of alcohol on a daily basis is like watching a disastrous haircut grow out--it's a whopping pain in the ass!

Speaking of pain, the pronounced and confused pain I am hearing over at the TSM forum sounds like a group of howling banshees. Everyone seems to be clinging to a very thin thread, asking the same questions over and over, desperately seeking reassurance. We are haunted on a regular basis by the the bone-chilling thought, "what if this doesn't work for me?" We are undermined by skeptical loved ones, sabotaged by our own insecurities, and threatened by our fickle and fluctuating units. What we all need to do is deceptively simple, so we resist it and often forget it, but we shouldn't-- just chill and take our pill....and that is all, end of story.

When I do the opposite of chill, i.e., panic, I end up ignoring and often discarding my biggest achievement, which is my improved and ever evolving relationship with alcohol (very little craving, drinking slowly, forgetting alcohol is in my glass, and being able to stop before I polish off everything in the house). These achievements are huge and were next to impossible pre-TSM, but they get old fast and I grow impatient for more. SO, I'm going to take another chill pill and I recommend all my fellow TSMers who are in the panic zone do the same.

Here's to small victories and being prepared for a lengthy journey which demands much patience and many changes of underwear along the way.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 21: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units •

Week 21: 100mg is the Magic Number

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 19:10:00 +0000

I'm a few days into week 21, devouring my usual bottle of wine per night, when I just crack and my anger and frustration begins to flow like the BP oil spill.

Week 19 and 20 were bleaker than a Brontë novel and I feel like I would've had just as much success popping a few Chicklets, as I did with my 50mg of naltrexone.

The commonly prescribed dose is 50mg, but let's face it, people often need to tweak their dosage—what's good for one, might not be good for another. Some people level off at 25mg, some at 50mg, some at 75mg, and so on. I tried 75mg a while back and it made NO difference, so I went back to 50mg. I never thought of going up to 100mg until I cracked and I'm glad I did because I'm on day three of 100mg and I think it is the magic number.

I'm like a disciplined nun, OK, not quite, but the last few nights I've sipped and enjoyed 2 units of champagne while making dinner and then 1 unit of red with dinner. The alcohol had a much bigger effect on me, a few units felt like ten, and after these few drinks, my desire pointed to, "NO MORE!" I effortlessly switched over to water the rest of the evening (the key word here is, "effortless"). Actually on night number three, alcohol popped into my tired head again around 1.a.m. when I couldn't sleep, so I flipped on a horror film, freaked out (trigger!), and proceeded to have one more unit of red to help me get back to sleep.

Now, I've been around the TSM block way too many times to instantly jump for joy, but I do finally feel like there is something to this 100mg. I'll keep you posted!

P.S. I must share—on day one of my newly increased dose, I decided to crush the pills. I did this in an attempt to increase potency. I got this crackerjack idea from Elizabeth Wurtzel of Prozac Nation fame, who opted to pulverize her Ritalin and snort it when swallowing it failed to work its magic (I'll save the snorting for a more desperate time).

I pulled my French mortar and pestle off the shelf, crushed 2 pink pills, carefully poured the powder into an emptied out vitamin capsule and swallowed it like an eager teenager experimenting with her mom's diazepam.

I have to admit, I was thrilled with the results. The honeymoon phase was back in full force and I had a renewed desire to only drink a little bit of alcohol. I then decided to Google "crushing pills potency" and the word "fatal" popped up just a few too many times for my comfort. Here is what one site said:

Having crushed medicinal pills could have serious, even fatal, consequences, on your health.

Experts estimate that over 80% of people find it convenient to crush tablets into powder before swallowing them. According to the doctors, crushing pills can alter their effect besides affecting the way the drug is released and absorbed in our digestive tract.

A lot of medicines available in the form of tablets have a special coating which prevents the chemical inside from coming in contact with the epithelial lining of your stomach. The medicine is meant to pass through your stomach and reach your intestine for absorption. When crushed the medicine comes into the contact with the stomach wall which may lead to a gastric injury and even bleeding.

A number of medicines, the experts warn, are effective when they are released slowly into your digestive tract. For example, anti-diabetic drug Metformin is meant to be released over 24 hours. Crushing of such medicines would lead to their action lasting only for a limited period only.

According to a drug expert, a tablet may have some binding agents and other accessory chemicals, which often are not spread uniformly across a tablet. Thus consuming even half a tablet with the intention of having half the dosage of the medicine may change their effect when consumed individually at two different times. Hence it may be thoroughly wrong to imagine that breaking a tablet into two would reduce its potency by half.

As has been observed most patients who crush tablets before their intake mix them in juice or milk. This may result into undesirable interaction of drug with the liquid. According to the experts, drugs that are not scored or lined from the center must never be crushed under any circumstance.

I was somewhat relieved when I read the last sentence because my naltrexone does indeed have a score mark down the middle, so crushing could potentially be safe, but I'm not going to risk it. I'm going to go back to the time-honored tradition of swallowing my 2 solid pinky-orangey pills and see where that takes me.

Week 20: Lying

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 21:40:00 +0000

This might blow my integrity with some of you, but I have to be honest, I desperately wanted to lie to you this week because my cup runneth over with shame. I said I was going to attempt a few AF days this week and not one made an appearance, in fact, I ran in the other direction and drank a full bottle of champagne every single night this week and no, I didn't happen to attend many weddings. It's hard to admit this and I've been swirling down the shame spiral all week, so in my desperation, lying was the first thing that popped into my frantic head. BUT I stopped myself before the damage begun, and like the kid who gets in trouble and has to stand in front of the class and apologize, I'm coming clean.

I don't want anyone to doubt TSM because of my champagne extravaganza. I'm very, very stubborn and set in my ways and although alcohol does not beckon me like it used to, I'm simply not giving it up. Every night this week, I drank half the bottle as slowly as a nun and then I decided to finish the bottle before bed. I'm letting my fear, my laziness, my habit rule the roost and it has got to stop, I just don't know when this will happen or when I'll want it to happen.

I also have to admit, I'm not trying at all (as if I need to point this out). It's like there's a feather on the ground and I think it's too heavy to pick up. I feel like calling myself every name in the book, but I'll settle for moron; I choose this because Dictionary.com says, "an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment." Perfect!

A humongous part of me is hoping (demanding) that I'll have one of those light switch moments where I go, "ick! I don't want champagne, give me a Dr. Pepper and be quick about it." I want it to be effortless, like putting my socks on in the morning. I don't want to feel even the tinniest twinge of discomfort (I must insert "moron" again here). This light switch thingy may never occurr or if it does, TSM may take longer than it really should. It's like dieting—I can starve and lose 5 lbs. a week or I can eliminate the dinner roll and lose 10 lbs. in a year. I prefer the latter.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 20: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units •

Week 19: Alcohol Calories--A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 20:19:00 +0000

The temperatures are ruthless here in the South and they have no mercy for those of us carrying around extra flesh. Beer bellies to chunky butts, listen up--the fastest and surest way of getting and staying fat isn't pizza (although that doesn't help) it is alcohol. I've known this for a long time and I'm sure many of you have known it, too, but when cocktail hour beckons the monster doesn't care if our inner thighs rub together with extra blubber, so we tend to ignore the evil calories lurking in our booze of choice.

Here's some scary, eye-opening science: "When you drink alcohol, it’s broken down into acetate (basically vinegar), which the body will burn before any other calorie you’ve consumed or stored, including fat or even sugar. So if you drink and consume more calories than you need, you’re more likely to store the fat from the Cheez Whiz you ate and the sugar from the Coke you drank because your body is getting all its energy from the acetate in the beer you sucked down. Further, studies show that alcohol temporarily inhibits “lipid oxidation”— in other words, when alcohol is in your system, it’s harder for your body to burn fat that’s already there. Fat slips right into your saddlebags, no costume change necessary."--excerpt from Alcohol and Calories: Does Drinking Cause Weight Gain

The painful truth, we must choose between our favorite skinny jeans and those 5 glasses of chardonnay or the six pack abs and our beloved 12 pack of ice cold beer--a strong, lean body and generous alcohol consumption simply don't mix.

Why am I sharing all of this today? Because in my desperation to lose some weight before I lose my mind, I've been counting calories, not only units, and now I think I might just lose my mind anyway. In order to lose 1 pound a week (I like to go slow) I should be consuming 1365 calories per day according to my nifty, new friend, "My Fitness Pal" app which I downloaded for free last week. I've been counting my calories for the past 6 days and every single day, I mysteriously go over by 500 or 600 calories. Gee, what could it be? The collards I have growing in my backyard that I eat by the bowl-full? The brown rice? The fruit shakes with two small bananas? Mmmmmmmmm, or maybe the champagne? A bottle weighs in at around 550 calories....what a coincidence!

I really should be talking cravings and units, so let me jump over to that fun topic for a bit. This week my physical craving for alcohol continues to be pretty low, but the mechanical habit--hand on glass, glass to mouth, is stubborn and is not going away. For instance, last night over the course of about 4 hours I drank a bottle of champagne, shy one glass. It was pretty boring beyond the first glass, so why continue? I don't know. Why does anyone do anything? I simply kept drinking. It was there. I was there. The glass was there. I had time to kill.

So I've decided to bring in the booze police and set down a rule. I'm going to attempt, genuinely attempt, for the first time since embarking on TSM to introduce a few alcohol free days and see if this becomes effortless like so many of the cured claim once they've reached a certain level of disinterest in alcohol. I'm hoping like many things in life, my fears (fear of change, fear of the unknown and so on) are bigger than the object of my fear and I'll be going from a wee bit of initial discomfort and squirming to thinking, "this is SO easy, what was all the fuss about?" At which point not only will the 1 pound a week start to melt off my thick body, but I'll actually be closer to being cured with a very happy liver, to boot!

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 19: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 38units

Week 18: The Girl Who Cried Wolf

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:37:00 +0000

JUST when I start to feel next to normal and want to shout out, "I'm cured, I'm cured!" I suck down an entire bottle of wine again. I then question everything and put great effort into trying not to feel like a failure and a loser.

I'm amazed at the people over at the TSM forum who announce they are "cured" after a few months. Let me put it more honestly: yes, I'm amazed, but my amazement is smothered in a thick layer of jealousy. Yet, unlike this newly cured group, I don't think I'm the type that will be declaring curedom until I spend many months dwelling in mostly abstinence without effort and get through every button pushing, trigger raising, stress inducing situation without uncorking the bottle. Once all of this takes place, I will dance on a table top and wear a t-shirt that says "shackled no more by the evil elixir!...or something of that nature. The mind is a vast, stubborn, and mysterious arena, so this could take years.

Even though my name still remains off the "cured" list and I'm drinking a little too much from time to time, my progress is palpable and I'm becoming a different person even though it is all shades of gray. Week 18 was mostly filled with 4 and 5 unit nights and then a few full bottle nights. My ability to leave alcohol untouched in the house is still the most miraculous gift and not having my first drink until 8pm sometimes is truly amazing to me. TSM works, it just doesn't cooperate nor follow the path we would like it to take (anything worth anything isn't a straight, narrow, and neat path anyway, right?)

As promised, I'm trying to be hyper aware of my feelings and cravings. What can I tell you? I didn't have a desperate, aching desire to get to the bottle this week, but certainly looked forward to drinking every night. Overall, I'm drinking much more slowly and regardless of my mood, I'm not turning to alcohol as the quickie answer to stress, boredom, fear, etc. I'm very attached to my dear old friend, champagne, for sure, but my feelings for him are much more tame these days and for this, I am very thankful. And onward I go!

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 18: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units

Week 17: Bored to Death

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:06:00 +0000

It's hard to believe another week has rolled by and I'm still an alcoholic! OK, I'm kidding, but this process does get tiring and rather boring. Anybody else out there tired and/or bored???

I upped my dose to 75mg because I found myself enjoying myself a leeeeeetle too much again and that extra 1/2 pill seems to do the trick. I went from 8 units to a more manageable 4 units before one could shout "more chardonnay, please!"

I'm so bored that I don't even want to share my boring, boring, boring drinking observations for Week 17, but here's the mini-condensed version anyway, my mind is still occupying itself with a vast cornucopia of thoughts and ideas and alcohol pops in for a visit from time to time, drinks continue to get upstaged by a nice meal or an exciting portion of a movie. But like gum on my shoe, I cannot seem to get rid of the glee that I feel when I take that first sip or two and the warmth washes over my body like a hot towel from the dryer. Ahhh! My question at this time steadily remains, "HOW will I become an occasional drinker with this wonderful effect remaining intact?" Who would want to eliminate that element of magic from their daily life?

Because of my bourgeoning boredom, I'm going to ignore TSM today and chitchat about one of my favorite subjects, FOOD! I'm in Asian mode at the moment and I recently perfected my Japanese soup base. I used to swirl some miso in filtered water, add a dash of wine, and seaweed and call it a broth...I should have called it swill. Well, I recently added fresh grated ginger and a healthy portion of sake and now I think I should win an award. After assembling the entire soup (soba noodles, enoki & shiitake mushrooms, spring onion, mung bean sprouts, sesame seeds, a sprinkling of cayenne and then pouring my magic broth over the above in individual soup bowls), I served it to my husband who I'm convinced has now put me in a very special category of magical soup chef.

What's also nice about this soup is that you feel wonderful after you eat it because it's loaded with goodness: Mung bean sprouts are an excellent source of vitamin C and K and are rich in Omega-3 & 6 fatty acids; Miso is high in protein and contains many trace minerals, including zinc, manganese, and copper, which help strengthen the immune system; the high amount of nutrients present in miso helps boost energy, too! Shiitake mushrooms reduce cholesterol and they are a formidable cancer fighter, as well.

The trick is to also keep the noodles separate until adding to each individual bowl of soup. If the noodles are allowed to mingle with the entire pot of soup they'll soak up the broth like a hungry tapeworm and you'll be left with a big, heavy, soggy mess, not even worthy of your dog's bowl.

OK, back to the booze! My biggest challenge beyond the boredom is staying focused on my FEELINGS about all this alcohol business and I must admit, I've been quite lazy about checking in with myself lately. I will sit on my couch around cocktail hour and wonder if my thought of a drink is a craving or habit. Physically, I am usually not pining for a drink nor do I get cranky if one isn't in short reach, but I eventually roll around to, "I want a drink...I want a drink." I feel like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, who wanted everything from an Oompa-Loompa to a nut-sorting squirrel, the only difference, I want everything from champagne to, well, champagne!

Week 18 starts today and I promise to explore my feelings and perhaps even my feeling's feelings.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 units • Week 13: 42units • Week 14: 35.5units • Week 15: 37units • Week 16: 31units • Week 17: 35 units

Some Doctors are Very Cool

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Tue, 25 May 2010 20:07:00 +0000

As some of you may already know, I recently searched the web for a decent online resource to score some naltrexone, but ultimately couldn't bring myself to buy questionable meds online without a prescription. So I decided to take a leap of faith and call my new doctor. I hoped to achieve 2 things: 1. She wouldn't look upon me as a loser for being an addict and 2. She'd support me on this TSM journey and grant me a lifetime supply of naltrexone.

After rehearsing what I was going to say, I made the scary call. Straight away, I asked if she was familiar with The Sinclair Method (this was a very calculated move on my part because I was 99% sure she hadn't heard of it and I knew this would give me some kind of advantage. Why? I haven't a clue, but nevertheless, I thought it would). As predicted, she said, "no, what is it?" I then launched into a manifesto of slick marketing lingo to sell her on the idea--I said The Sinclair Method is a "breakthrough", "cutting edge" treatment that is curing alcoholics across the globe (all true of course, but excellent choice of words, I thought).

I then told her I've tried everything from therapy to outpatient programs to AA and nothing has worked until TSM. I said I was ashamed to share my addiction with her, but I was tired of lying to the doctor at the nearby clinic where I was currently getting my naltrexone who thinks I'm abstinent on the stuff, so would she support me with TSM? And before I got to the part about offering to copy the section of Dr. Eskapa's book for health practitioners, she cut me off and said "absolutely, anything that will help you, I will support." I was on cloud nine and a HUGE stress was lifted off my shoulders. I'm also glad that I spread the word a little further about TSM, so maybe she'll share it with other patients.

I want to say, that if you are thinking of approaching your doctor about TSM and think he/she may be resistant to the idea like many doctors, then I suggest you use some of my lingo. I think the word "support" is key. Asking your doctor to support you is powerful, doctors are inclined to support patients and if he/she says "NO", then essentially they are saying they are NOT supporting you and that would be very bad for them and they know it. Also, I think it was important to point out to my doctor that everything else has failed me and TSM is working, so how could anyone say "NO" to that?

The last four weeks my units have lowered down to the thirties which isn't miraculous, but it is amazing progress for me. I have booze scattered throughout the house--wine in the fridge, rum in the cabinet, beer in the cellar and I have no desire to plow through it like a sailor on leave. The numbers don't tell the whole story and they certainly don't reveal the behind the scenes stuff going on in my brain...something big is starting to happen and I'm very excited....but remaining calm.

Life is good.

Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 units • Week 13: 42 • Week 14: 35.5 • Week 15: 37 units • Week 16: 31

Drinking "Normal"

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Mon, 24 May 2010 15:40:00 +0000

I'm as confident as a varsity cheerleader that my current "normal" drinking habit truly indicates that my brain chemistry is finally changing and the addiction superhighway in my noggin is indeed turning into that promised back country road. Last night I had 4 units, the night before that 3.5, the night before that 4 units...you get the picture. From a health perspective and from my personal perspective, however, this is still way to much booze consumption to guarantee a smooth ride into my twilight years.

Although I feel like I've been doing TSM since the days of the Old Testament, I'm only at the 4 month mark. During this sojourn I've worried, freaked, celebrated, doubted, freaked some more, felt different, felt worse, and ultimately I am left with a feeling of amazement because this s--t really does work....it really does. I have more months to go before I'm "cured", but I just don't have that King Kong obsession for alcohol anymore, many other thoughts occupy this brain of mine and it is such a blessing.

My biggest challenge at the moment seems to be that I still really desire/crave a drink at the end of each day and I just don't know how that cog in this wheel is going to change unless I join an evening bingo club or lock away the booze? Regardless, I simply must get out of my way and let naltrexone work its magic and one day this daily desire may just disappear, too...until then I'll allow myself a little more doubt and freaking out.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 units • Week 13: 42 • Week 14: 35.5 • Week 15: 37 units • Week 16: 31

Subtle Changes

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Mon, 17 May 2010 13:48:00 +0000

I wish my units would behave themselves and stay on the low side every single night (who doesn't!), but I knew this wasn't going to happen or at least I was prepared for it NOT to happen. Lowering my expectations was a good thing because my units did indeed go back up and not only did they go back up, but they exceeded my usual pre-naltrexone habits which added a nice sting to my madness and worry. Over the weekend I drank copious amounts of wine and the other night I fell into an old habit of "borrowing" another bottle from my friend next door (I had just finished my pinot and happened to be taking care of her dogs while she was away, so I helped myself to a few glasses of a nice chardonnay and I don't even like chardonnay!).

In my weakened and confused state I darted around the TSM forum and found some reassurance. One person commented that his units never went up or down, he drank the same amount, day in and day out for 6 months, then all of a sudden a miracle, his desire for alcohol went out the window and that was that. I think he's mostly abstinent now! Lordy, lordy, that's good news!

On another note, my naltrexone prescription is running out and I just spent the last 2 hours researching online pharmacies and I simply cannot bring myself to purchase from some rogue pharmacy. So I'm going to call an addiction psychiatrist tomorrow and see what transpires. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I will ask her point blank if she is familiar with The Sinclair Method and if she'd be willing to hand over some naltrexone. I'm not in the mood to go to my local clinic like I did last time and lie about my abstinence on naltrexone. I'm lacking drama this week.

After 2 nights of a bottle plus of wine (7 & 8 units), I decided to switch to red and see if that would help me taper my consumption and it did! I drank 4.5 units last night and what a relief. I think I might stick to red for a while because I tend to drink this more slowly.

Goodness this can be tedious work sometimes and it is easy to lose hope, but as my dear husband pointed out, I used to never, ever be able to leave alcohol alone in the house and despite my fluctuating units, this is indeed some sort of progress no matter how subtle or small.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 units • Week 13: 42 • Week 14: 35.5 • Week 15: 37 units

Deception is So Easy

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Tue, 11 May 2010 18:21:00 +0000

An alcoholic's ability to deceive herself should be applauded on a grand scale just for the absurdity aspect alone. I'm committed to getting well, and devoted to keeping accurate records, yet this loony person that dwells inside me is always trying to mess with the units. Let's get this out of the way right now, I had 4 units of champagne last night, not 2, not 3.5, but I tried to turn it into 3.5 because I sort of left a tiny bit in the glass before retiring to bed. I do this for an obvious reason--to feel better about myself, but it's tomfoolery and I know it. It's like a man who gets a blow job (is this one word or two?) from a co-worker and doesn't think he's cheated on his wife because they didn't have sex--MAJOR tomfoolery. I do this frequently, not give blow jobs to co-workers, but canoodle my alcohol units in my head, luckily when my units make it to paper I record them like a lab technician, very accurately.

The bottom line, I should feel good about myself or the very least, accept myself, no-matter-what; after all, feeling bad about myself is part of what got me into this alcoholic jungle to begin with! Deception aside, I'm glad I only had 4 units last night, but the perfectionist in me always wants it to be less. But I repeat, I'm happy about the 4 units! More importantly, however, I am happy about the "relationship" to the drink. I had 2 units while making dinner and really had enough, but habit had me pour 2 more which was quickly upstaged by a delicious, rustic French boule that I had bought at the market. I kept slicing and eating bits of it as I cooked and there my lonely glass of champagne remained, pushed to the back corner of my tiny kitchen counter and largely ignored. I contemplated pouring it back into the bottle, but then I decided to slowly drink it throughout the meal. I've now had several days of "normal" type drinking which makes me want to sing through the streets, but again, I shall remain as calm and steady as a meditating monk and get on with my day. I also plan to actively start liking myself more and beating myself up less (let's see how long that sticks).

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 • Week 13: 42 • Week 14: 35.5

Patience is Hard Even for the Dalai Lama

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Sun, 09 May 2010 21:33:00 +0000

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”-Rainer Maria Rilke

Within the last 5 days, I've had a bright, shiny piece of hope float my way again; I had 2 days in a row when I drank like a "normal" person and my relationship with alcohol seemed different. I love when this happens--I jump up and down for joy, a parade marches down the street in my honor (in my head), and I want anyone and everyone to notice that there's enough wine left in the bottle to drown a mouse. This jubilation I feel is the equivalent of the excitement a parent feels when their child has just taken his first step or first poop on his own--NO ONE ELSE GIVES A FLYING FIG! But it is SUCH a huge deal to us that we'll risk alienating friends and boring family members to tears just to recount the story one-more-time (preferably accompanied by many photos). We just want the world to know...we just do.

I played it smart this time, however, and made little fanfare of my 3.5 and 4 unit days because I think I'm finally settling into the mercurial ways of naltrexone. I've given a lot of lip service in this blog about the TSM rollercoaster ride, but my mind and heart were always laser beam focused on being cured yesterday and looking for any little sign of my miraculous recovery. I was convinced that I was special and that things would happen differently and quickly for me...what a birdbrain.

I'm up against a lot. Years of habitual drinking, chockablock full of imbibing for every reason under the sun--drinking when I'm happy, drinking when I'm sad, drinking when I'm bored, drinking for confidence, drinking when I'm scared, drinking to celebrate, drinking just because, and the best of all, drinking to avoid myself, reality, and laundry. So I think it's kind of foolish to expect a smooth ride or a short journey and I think I might just be starting to understand this because the 3.5 & 4 unit days were book-ended by 7 & 8 unit days and I didn't panic or beat myself up. I didn't dwell on it either, I took note and moved on.

The roots are deep and stubborn....I started to truly use and abuse alcohol when my father died. I was 27 and angry and I discovered that a generous tumbler of red wine on the bedside table helped me go to sleep and ease my pain. I don't remember if I did this every night and I certainly didn't think I had a problem at this point because I was grieving--I used alcohol to ease my grief and avoid my grief. I thought, doesn't everybody do this? Certainly the Irish do.

Why am I bringing this past junk up? Because its part of the massive structure that I've built up over the years that needs to be dismantled by naltrexone and my awareness of this and keeping it on my radar will actually make this journey a little less confusing and a little less painful.

Not to get all Jungian on you, but this is indeed part of the work, too. Looking at our muddled emotions and fears and working through things is all part of this journey, like it or not....and I usually don't like it, but I will try. Like my beloved, Stuart Smalley says, "face it, then you can erase it."

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 • Week 13: 42

Nursing Homes Make You Drink More Than Usual....

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 05 May 2010 21:00:00 +0000

Day 87-92:.....at least they do in my case. I'm back from New Hampshire and Maine where I spent most of my time with individuals in nursing homes. It was exhausting, emotional, sad, endearing, and above all else a recipe for disaster in my TSM progress. I've been glued to wine these past few months, but in New England I discovered dirty martinis and really pretty pear/lavender martinis. If this isn't bad enough, my liquid madness washed down copious amounts of linguine, tiramisu, and ice cream. Somehow I managed to not gain any weight; I think I can chalk this up to nervous energy produced by nursing home nightmares. One of the homes housed a man who was only about 60 years old, who was walking around squeezing anyone's arm he could grab, which produced a series of screeches and howls. I waited in sheer terror as the arm squeezer drew near, just in the nick of time, I was rescued by my 87 year old cousin Marjorie, who blocked him with her sturdy cane and said, "don't come any further buster" at which point he turned and walked into the T.V. room to find another victim.

All of my biggest fears, from going loopy to dying, resurrected themselves and lingered around all day and all night which produced a desperate need in me to escape. I didn't even try and not drink, I just knew I would or had to and would gleefully take my naltrexone every night. My mother got to see all of my drinking first- hand and asked, "tell me again what this method is you are doing to cure your drinking?" She said it with such worry in her eyes that I momentarily thought of telling her that I was already cured and I was simply cutting loose on vacation and would be abstinent when I returned home.

To make matters worse, I voraciously read and finished Dr. Olivier Ameisen's book, The End of My Addiction, in which he dismisses naltrexone as a temporary fix at best and says the ONLY true cure for alcoholism, where addicts become indifferent to the substance, is the muscle relaxant baclofen. What the f---?? Anyway, after I finished the book, I studied Dr. Ameisen's jovial, laughing face on the dust jacket and decided to contact him because he makes no mention of The Sinclair Method. He also doesn't mention if naltrexone's inefficacy is due to it being used while abstinent. And as all we TSMers know, this is doo-doo! I will keep you posted on what Dr. A has to say when he writes back.

I now have 13 weeks under my belt (42 units this week) and I'm anxious to see what the future has in store for me.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39 • Week 13: 42

Trigger Test

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 13:29:00 +0000

Day 86: I'm off to New Hampshire and Maine tomorrow to visit some elderly relatives—my beloved Aunt Roza, who is so bent over she resembles a cooked shrimp, and my delightful cousin Marjorie, who just had a stroke and recently put her bean stalk, 90 year old hubby, into a nursing home because he kept falling. He's now falling at the nursing home. Isn't life grand?

I'll be hanging out at a lakeside military nursing facility, a retirement home in Portsmouth, N.H., and my cousin's basement wading through damp boxes and helping her move. I'm not complaining, it warms my heart and brings me great joy to help my family, but the site of droolers, decaying flesh, and walkers has a tendency to send me into a tailspin which usually can only be soothed by my reliable old friend, hootch, booze, a little tipple. But I'm hoping some mysterious naltrexone magic will occur and I'll reject the stuff like the INS rejects immigrants.

Day 86 could have been a one unit day. I took my naltrexone, walked the dog, and when I got home I had no desire to drink. None whatsoever, but I had taken my N, so I felt obligated to drink, so I had 1 unit of champagne which I did not enjoy. That would've been it had my husband not wound up in the E.R. with a potentially ruptured spleen. While we waited for the CAT scan results, the doctor coolly described the spleen as this pill like capsule that we really don't need to survive, but it's a reservoir for blood and if it blows, you can die, just-like-that, at which point I felt sick to my stomach and started to see stars. Luckily my husband's spleen is intact, so we dragged ourselves home at 10pm. I whipped up dinner and mechanically poured myself a hardy glass of champagne, followed by another one (5 units in all). This session of drinking was purely habit; I usually cannot distinguish habit vs. craving so clearly, but tonight it was like a flashing red light. I'm not happy that I drank 5 units, but I'm ecstatic that it had nothing to do with craving!

Since I don't know how to post from my Blackberry, I'll be taking a brief sabbatical from this blog during my geriatric romp up North. I hope when I return, I'll have good news to report. See you next week!

Where Would Any of Us Be Without Our Friends?

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:57:00 +0000

Day 84 & 85: I would not be able to survive this odd, exciting, scary, mysterious TSM process if it wasn't for the friends I've made through this blog and the TSM forum. I commiserate, obsess, and question with some extraordinary individuals and I think we make each other feel less crazy, more "normal" (whatever that is), and more accepting of ourselves. I recently heard from my "guru", a cured TSMer, who is very kind to watch over us struggling newbies and offer excellent guidance and wisdom. Because I'm notorious for freaking out—OFTEN—about this whole TSM process, monsieur guru enlightened me with: "Remember that not only is your improvement non-linear, but you are extinguishing triggers at a subconscious level. So there is improvement going on, even if it isn't palpable and even if it's not directly reflected in your units." Could I love this man anymore? He gives me such hope through this mess.

Anyway, on to the stats! Day 84: 4 units and Day 85: 5 units. I have not introduced an alcohol free (AF) day because I'm scared, it's the same kind of potent fear I felt as a child when my mother ruthlessly pried my beloved blanket from my little fingers. She reminded me of the wicked witch of the west, but now I realize she was just taking it away to wash and mend occasionally. I have not been able to sit comfortably with the idea that I'll be stuck in a house without any alcohol, but I know I should try this and soon since much of my drinking could be more habit than craving these days. Also, my pickled liver would definitely appreciate a break.

These last two days were interesting because after weathering a 2 week storm of copious amounts of wine and champagne, I'm now back to a more civilized amount and am finding it easier to stop at a certain point. On day 84, I was barely interested in finishing the last glass (but did) and on day 85 my husband offered to pour me another glass of champagne to which I venomously replied, I've had enough, thank you." God love him, but what's he going to do next, offer me some acid? OK, so I'm exaggerating, but why would someone on my inner circle, who knows that I'm an alcoholic, offer me another drink? I think he may just be a little bit scared of me...I don't blame him.

So here I am, not desiring to drink an entire bottle of wine like I did in my pre-TSM days, but when 6pm rolls around, I'm popping my naltrexone and counting the minutes. Happy hour will be a tough habit to break, with or without the craving monster because I have warm, fuzzy, nostalgic memories of helping my grandfather make gin and tonics at 6pm on the dot. I was fascinated by all the bling and inspected it like a surgeon—the double-sided jigger, the long mixing spoon with the twisted handle that reminded me of an icicle, the cocktail shaker and silly looking strainer with its Slinky edge. Even though, I barely could reach the counter, my grandfather let me shake his masterpiece concoction and one day he started to let me pour the drinks. This trust he had in me filled a void in my life; it gave me confidence in myself which I so desperately lacked in a house with a tyrannical father. So how does one unwed themselves from such a deep, important memory? Early evening bingo? I'll just have to wait and see....

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units • Week 12: 39

Never Lose Sight of the Big Picture

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 12:51:00 +0000

Day 81, 82, & 83: I don't think I can handle daily posts anymore because it's getting so monotonous (I can only imagine what it must be like for you, the reader!). Day 81 and 82 I drank a full bottle of wine both nights ($#@*&^%%$!!!). Day 83, slightly redeeming myself, at 4 units (actually 5, see below for details). Not only is this making my depression worse, it's emptying my bank account quicker! I also have to interject that my unit counting is not 100% accurate—I put 1 bottle of wine at 6 units, but I know that unit measuring depends on the alcohol content and my bottles are usually 12%-13%, so that probably puts the bottle at 7 units, NOT 6! I don't acknowledge this little fact (probably the alcoholic in me...denial, denial, denial and more denial) because if I were to split a bottle up into 7 units, each unit would be so tiny, that it would fit into a doll's tea cup and I just cannot handle this cold truth and opt for cozy denial instead. I guess I'm sharing this because I finally took the time to condense my drinking diary and have decided to add it to the end of each post. For those of you who want a scientifically accurate count of my units, please feel free to tack on about 4 more units to each week. The ONLY number that is accurate is my pre-naltrexone unit count.

OK, this is crazy. I just reread the above paragraph and fooling myself and tweaking the units couldn't be more dumb, so I'm going to add the 4 units to the below numbers now, myself, so the units will now be accurate and from now on my individual posts will be accurate; if I drink a whole bottle of vino, I will say, I have had 7 units, not 6 like I've been saying. Wow, I feel relieved! Now I just need to borrow one of my niece's doll tea cups and start enjoying my wine in that!

The wonderfully odd thing that has happened now that I've condensed my drinking diary is that I can actually see some progress, whereas before, focusing on each day made me panic and feel doomed. Of course, Dr. Eskapa suggests you chart your progress and he even gives you a nice little sample chart in his book that I could have photocopied, but no, I opted for recording my daily meanderings on drinking, freaking out and ignoring the big picture. Much more amusing.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Week 1: 18units • Week 2: 32units • Week: 3: 39units • Week: 4: 49units • Week 5: 32units • Week: 6: 25units • Week 7: 27units • Week 8: 28units • Week 9: 34units, 1 AF day. • Week 10: 42units • Week 11: 44units

Fat Pants

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:03:00 +0000

Day 79 & 80: My pants are tight—good god!—which has everything and nothing to do with my drinking. How long can one sustain a decent figure whilst drinking glass after glass of champagne? This is the question I asked myself on glass 6 of a cheap bottle of Korbel on Day 79. I tried to stop (not really, really) on glass 4 and also on glass 5 (sort of). I probably stopped at 6 because the bottle was empty! Champagne is one of the least caloric alcoholic beverages which is one of the reasons I drink it—a glass of Champagne is 91 calories. But when I drink the entire bottle I'm adding a whopping 540 calories to my booty. Voila—tight pants!

To make myself feel better I dig up happy facts about my delinquent habits (and I can always find them). Recent research says that moderate champagne consumption may help brain cells recover from damage caused by Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and stroke! A 2007 study by the University of Reading and the University of Cagliari revealed that people drinking champagne had higher levels of brain cell restoration after exposure to neurotoxins than those not consuming Champagne! Who sponsored this study? Moët Chandon? Actually, I don't know and I don't care who sponsored it because I love this fabulous information. Of course, the key point here is "moderate champagne consumption" which doesn't mean an entire bottle which brings me to Day 80! After having a little chat with myself about the tight pants dilemma and being inspired by the Reading/Cagliari study, I was able to stop at 4 glasses. I should also mention that I'm back down to 50mg of naltrexone after a few days of exploring 75mg. 50mg is what the average TSM person needs and since 75mg wasn't making any significant difference, I was more than happy to put less medicine into my body.

I hope Day 80— 4 unit day—marks a turning point (I think all TSMers look for this one moment when things turn around). I don't want to get my hopes up, but just maybe, maybe this is it. If not, then I'll probably be buying some bigger pants.

Habits & Triggers

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 12:58:00 +0000

Day 77 & 78: I'm thinking a lot more about craving vs. habit these days. On day 77, I was totally wrapped up in making a yummy, impressive dinner for a few friends and drinking was the furthest thing from my mind as I soaked the delicate rice paper that would become my spring roll wrappers. I was obsessed with having the mint leaves, which I so carefully handpicked, show through the top after I finished rolling. I was surrounded by a bevy of beautiful rolls, some with a mint leaf prominently displayed, others with a mint leaf peaking out from the side, when a "trigger" occurred—I was suddenly all alone with the booze. Everyone had gone outside to enjoy the Spring weather and there I was, inches away from a refrigerator full of chilled wine for guests.

I'm shamefully, a big sneaker, not the rubber-souled kind, but the sneaky kind. I truly love the sport of it, memories of high school come flooding back, all of which is ridiculous, but it adds an element of excitement to my adult life. So I opened a bottle of wine, poured a glass, and quickly had a few sips before anyone came back in the house. When I realized I had plenty of time before anyone would venture back in, I stood with bottle in hand and glass in the other, finished the petite glass of wine and rapidly poured another and then went back into the kitchen to make the peanut dipping sauce.

I felt smug. No one would know I had a glass of wine already. I'm so clever, I thought....could I be a bigger idiot?. All of this is a game that has played out over many years. I have stories that would either interest you or bore you to tears about how I would sneak liquor. Anyway, dinner was a success and I enjoyed several more glasses of wine in between dipping my lovely, exotic spring rolls in perfectly spiced peanut sauce. My wine consumption came to a grand total of 5 units at which point I was quite giddy and had no need for more. I think my craving level was very, very low until the "sneaky" trigger presented itself and then it shot up like a rocket as the game began!

On Day 78, things were rather uneventful, no triggers that I was aware of just good ol' habit. As I prepared dinner, I drank a few glasses of champagne and enjoyed a few more with dinner and since it was "fun, movie night" with popcorn, I decided to enjoy a few more glasses which I really didn't need, nor did I enjoy. It came to a total of 6 units. My craving level was probably around a 7. Yawn.

I've said this before and I'm going to say it again, so hopefully, maybe it will stick! Once the booze in the house runs out, which will be soon, I am going to impose an alcohol free day and just see what happens. Dr. Eskapa says that you'll often be surprised by how much of your drinking is actually habit and not craving as TSM starts to work its magic. So if I give myself a little window of time without access to alcohol, I just might start seeing that I don't really want it afterall.

Naltrexone + Drinking + Chill = Cure

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 11:05:00 +0000

Day 75 & 76: I love the humorous and apropos "chill" in the TSM formula so much that I have to repeat it in the title today. Plus, I really, really need to chill! I'm forever impatient and doubting and wondering and wanting to tweak this TSM process and I need to just chill, chill, chill. I will confess this, however, I've introduced good ol' Kudzu. You know, the weed rampantly growing in your backyard that has been transformed into a tablet, tincture, and tea for alcohol cravings. They've been using it in China for years and recently studies in the U.S. have shown promising results. Basically they stuck a bunch of alcoholics in 2 different rooms with fridges full of beer and the Kudzu group drank a lot less than the placebo group. I had read this about a year ago, so I bought a bunch and took it religiously, on its own it was quite ineffective, but I thought maybe, just maybe it would help while I'm on naltrexone. We shall see....

For whatever reason, I decided to hold at 75mg. Maybe it's because I already split a bunch of tablets in half. It doesn't make me loopy and it seems to curb my craving a bit more. I drank 4 units on day 75 and 6 units on day 76. OK, so 6 units is not exactly a petite amount, but my attitude/craving was a bit altered and that makes all the difference to my sanity. Day 76 was a Friday night and I had ample time and energy to add more alcohol to the mix, but I opted not to. It took a little bit of willpower, but not much and of course, this morning, I'm tickled pink that I didn't drink more!

Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. —Rumi

Keep It Simple

noreply@blogger.com (RescueGirl by Day, ToxicGirl by Night!) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:07:00 +0000

Day 74: Maybe I'm a little too cavalier when it comes to pills, but then this "character flaw" of mine is what probably got me into trouble in the first place—if I wasn't so casual about pill-popping then I probably wouldn't be an alcoholic either. Well, maybe I'm making assumptions and parallels where they shouldn't be made, so I'll stick with the facts. I felt a twee bit like a zombie post 100 mg of naltrexone and I didn't like it, so I dropped down to 75mg last night (drank 4 units) and I'll probably go back to 50mg when I drink again which will probably be tonight, but I'm always open to possibilities!

I also need to stop overloading myself with information and introducing other factors. I was floating around at The My Way Out website which has a bounty of information on curing alcoholism. A lovely lady, and former booze-hound, developed a system to cure her alcoholism and it was so brilliantly successful that she's sharing it with the world. She says: "My Way Out combines new and emerging anti-craving medications, hypnotherapy (with CDs you can play at home), nutritional supplements and a light exercise program." She sells a 4cd hypnotherapy set for only $118 (I'm kidding when I say "only") and the My Way Out combo book/CD set is only $124 and some change (again, I'm kidding about the "only"). She has "Starter Kits" and My Way Out branded Milk Thistle, too! This chick is getting rich off her addiction! Now, I don't fault anyone for making money, money is good, but how much does anyone ever really need in one lifetime? If someone is truly passionate about helping and serving others, in my opinion, you don't charge those kind of prices, period. I do believe all of her components are good advice, but you can get all of them on your own and call it, My Cheap Way Out and save a boatload of money. So, I'm going back to where I started which is where I should have stayed all along with simple, inexpensive, 80% cure rate, The Sinclair Method.

As a wise, cured TSMer pointed out, once again, I must be patient: "Under conditioning theory, clearly we long-timer boozers are going to get cured far less rapidly than the young college kids who have only been boozing for a few years. From what I've seen on the TSM Forum (and I've read every post) you should be thinking 6 to 12 months minimum and personally, I wouldn't even be thinking about messing with the dosage or worrying about the quality of the naltrexone at this point. The fact is, if you look at other drinkers in your camp (daily wine drinkers for nearly 20 years), virtually none of them has had major positive results at three months. So, definitely mix more chill into your formula: naltrexone + drinking + chill = cure."

I don't quite have 20 years of daily drinking under my belt, but I have about 14 years of almost every day drinking and a few 6 month stretches of no drinking. So I think I can safely say I'm in the old-timers club in the drinking world.

I really like the last part: Naltrexone + Drinking + Chill = Cure......another T-shirt!