Adventures with Edward

Adventures with Edward: Edward Sunglasses in a sticky situation

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 20:57:00 +0000

Setting: Kitchen of the human

"Anyone seen my shield? I'm late for the Renaissance Festival!", Edward Sunglasses shouts.

"You're such a dork, Edward Sunglasses. Nobody uses shields anymore," says Edward.

"Well, it came in your box! What else are you gonna use it for?" Edward Sunglasses shrugs.

Grinning mischievously, Edward slides over a suspicious dish.

Edward Sunglasses stares. "What in the blue blazes is that...wait...is that...my shield??"

Edward laughs uproariously.

"IT'S JELLO! YOU KNOW...JELLO? HAHAAHAHA JELLO!" Edward guffaws. "Oh man, I got you! I sooo got you!"

"You big dummy. Now I gotta fish that shield out...so gross." Edward Sunglasses tentatively digs in.

Unfortunately, Edward Sunglasses doesn't bend so well.

"This is so much worse than that time I only had ground turkey from the tube to eat."

Adventures with Edward: All My Dolls

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:13:00 +0000

Setting: the set of the new soap opera series called "All My Dolls".

"Aaaand ACTION!"

"Bella, I'm sure glad we're finally together. I like having you as my woman." Edward puts his arm around Bella. Well, as much as his plastic elbows allows.

Bella snuggles next to Edward's plastic pea coat. "Yeah. Me too. Oh, so I made this for you. It's to go with your scarf."

Edward takes the hat and puts it on. Bella was thoughtful enough to account for his spikey stick uppy hair. So sweet.

Edward slips it on and turns to Bella. "Whaddya think? Is it me?"

Bella taps her chin thoughtfully.

Suddenly, the other dolls point their ~~fingers~~ hands and laugh at Edward.

"HAHAHAHA You look like a dork."

Edward rips the hat off his head and mutters "You guys suck."

Edward #2, seeing this as a chance to steal Bella's attention shouts, "I'll wear it!"

However, as soon as Edward #2 puts on the hat, he realizes he does, indeed, look like a dork and takes it off.

Turning to Edward Noir, he says "hey man, you wanna try it on?"

Edward Noir sniffs in disgust. "Are you kidding me? I am way too cool to wear that thing".

Edward #2 looks pointedly down at Edward Noir's brown shoes with his black suit and blue shirt. "Gee, Ed, I think you should've been a little more choosy when you got dressed. You don't match at all."

Edward Noir rolls his plastic eyeballs. "Whatever. I'm still too cool."

Edward faces Bella and says in his sultry hushed vampirey voice, "I'm sorry Bella. I was wrong to not wear your hat. Would that make you happy?"

Bella, ever dramatic, turns away from Edward and says quietly, "I'll have to think about it. I need to be alone. And...just so you know, I think your scarf has a hole."

Edward takes a deep breath and turns to Edward #2 and Edward Noir. "Guys, I need my hat back. I'll look like a dork but I'll have Bella. So. Give it here."

Edward #2 reluctantly gives back the hat. He must think of other ways to steal the affections of Bella.

Love. It's a tricky complicated crocheted thing.

Now to our sponsor, Sweethearts, for when you want to say BITE ME and have it be a nice thing.

Adventures with Edward: Edward gets arrested

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 16:29:00 +0000

Setting: Texas.

"It all started out so innocently," Edward says. "I was just doing a little sightseeing. I even got a Tshirt that said THE LONESTAR STATE in honor of my trip. Here's what happened...

First stop, the Alamo.

It was kind of boring, so I headed over to the Riverwalk.

Well, THAT was kind of boring so I got ... distracted. And maybe carried away.

First I found me a car.

And that was cool and all, riding around town. And then I came across the President. Or maybe it was a look alike?

Anyways, we posed. He liked my Texas Tshirt and I liked his red tie. We partied down, told jokes, I pushed his bobble head around. Good times.

Then I thought, you know what would be REALLY fun? To drive a REAL car. So I found me a nice car with a sweet sound system and just when I was blasting some Journey...

... that's when the po-po found me. And by "po-po" I mean big hairy uniformed guys in a big hairy car with flashing lights.

They didn't think my little joy ride was all that cute, even when I started throwing down some gangsta rap, so...

...I had to put my hands behind my back. It was just like one of those COPS shows. Only, I'm a plastic doll, and my arms only bend so much. So those policemen had themselves a little mini-conference to discuss how to transport me. This is what they decided:

And there I was, handcuffed and strapped into the car.

I wondered if Bella Doll would think I was a trouble maker, would she post bail? Would Edward Sunglasses make a second appearance? How would Bella Doll even know I'm in jail? What happened to my scarf? HOLY COW I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

And that's when I woke up.

PSYCH. You think I actually got arrested? Psh.

But I had you going there, didn't I?"

Adventures with Edward: Edward makes a Christmas wish

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:51:00 +0000

Setting: tiny alcove with a Christmas tree

Edward, stands next to his Christmas tree in his new Christmas coat. It's a little roomy.

"Merry Christmas!" I say to Edward.

"Yeah yeah" he says. "I suppose I need to give you a present. Here."

"It's a bauble. I found it in a box with other baubles. In fact, there was one just like it in there."

"Um, thanks, Edward...you shouldn't have..."

"Yeah it was nothing. Oh, and I got you this too-"

"Ooh! Thanks Edward! Let me open it up and see what's inside!"

"Awesome, Edward! It's stitch markers for knitting and they're all Twilight related!"**

"Yep. Sigh." Edward stares at the ground. And not just because it's all his head can do.

"Umm, Edward, I can't help but notice you are lackluster today. What's wrong?" I ask.

"Well, it's just that I know I won't get my Christmas wish," says Edward

"Then I think it's time I give you your gift, Edward," I say.

"Go on! Open it!" I urge.

Edward pulls out a box cutter. It dawns on him what this is intended for. His eyes sparkle.

I pull Bella's box down and begin to cut it open.

"Don't slice her!" Edward warns.

I roll my eyes.

Suddenly, the plasticky smell of cooped up dolls wafts out. I pull back the plastic and draw Bella Doll out. She doesn't stand up so well, so I prop her up next to the wall.

"What about Edward with the sunglasses?" Edward asks Bella.

Bella shrugs. "I was just ready to get out of the box. And besides, Sunglasses Edward can't take off his glasses. I can look at your eyes."

Edward sighs contentedly.

Sometimes, Christmas wishes do come true.

Merry Christmas from Edward to you!

**And a very special thanks to my sweet cousin who sent me the stitch holders! I love them!!

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to the movies

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:57:00 +0000

Setting: Outside the movie theater

Edward is chillin and relaxin on the fountain outside of the movie theater. He’s all set to see New Moon. If nothing other than to make fun of Jacob. And drool for Bella. She looks just like this doll he knows.

He’s got on his TEAM EDWARD shirt, to show his support. The puff paint looks very manly.

Suddenly, he looks over and sees…himself.

“Hi!” the copy of himself says. It’s eerie. Except for the scarf and Tshirt, this guy looks JUST LIKE HIM.

“Hi!” says Edward. They stare at each other for a moment. It’s like a Twilight Zone moment. They have the same Pea Coat, the same tight fitting jeans. They even have the same spiky hair.

“We must be brothers. Separated at birth. I’m Edward,” says the Edward copy.

“Dude. My name is Edward too. I’m going to see New Moon. Wanna see it with me?”

“Sure, dude.”

They stare at each other for another moment, then go for a man, er- doll hug. It’s awkward and plasticky and their arms don’t bend, but whatever. Bros for life.

Inside in the theater, they share a seat and watch the movie. Jacob definitely has the abs. But Edward has the Bella.

Too bad the concession stand doesn’t sell any mountain lion or gazelles.

Adventures with Edward: Edward and the infomercial

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:48:00 +0000

Setting: The Barbie Mansion

One day, Edward is kickin it in the Barbie Mansion.

He’s watching his favorite show:

LOST. Best show EVER. He settles in and watches a re-run. He’s very confused.

A commercial comes on. Edward is instantly captivated.

“The Micro-Snuggie*!” he shouts. “Please can I get one? Please? Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?”

And because I’m a sucker for cute vampire dolls, I say yes.

Edward orders a Snuggie to match his scarf.

Three weeks later, it arrives.

Edward tries it on.

“Well, whaddya think?” Edward says, standing ever so proudly in his new Snuggie.

“Erm, very…manly,” I say.

Edward goes back to watching LOST re-runs. He feels like he’s in the Snuggie infomercial. Too bad there’s no Barbie remote.

Durned if I’m not jealous of Edward’s Snuggie.

* This is not actually a Snuggie. Please do not contact Snuggie asking for a Snuggie, else I shall be sued

Adventures with Edward: Edward plays charades

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:28:00 +0000

Setting: Desk of the human

Edward, bored out of his plastic mind, crawls out of my handbag. He tells me he wants to play a game. I suggest charades with movie titles. Edward rubs his hands in excitement and quickly adjusts his scarf. He begins the first clue.

“Um”, I say. “Umm…Wait! Is it Saving Private Ryan?”

Edward says yes. He is surprised I got it so quickly. He thinks of another clue.

“Wow, a toughie.” I scratch my head. “Ooh! Is it So I Married An Axe Murderer?”

Edward nods yes. He is impressed with my skillz.

He stops a moment, thinking of a really hard one.

Hmmm…I’m going to guess Three Weddings and a Funeral.”

Edward huffs in impatience. He turns over and poses again.

“Ooh ooh! Um, is it Finding Nemo?”

“Dang!” Edward says. He grabs a prop for the next one.

“Duh,” I say. “Ghost.” I roll my eyes.

Edward removes his prop. He thinks hard. He takes his scarf off and poses again.

“Wow. This one is hard. Is it The Fifth Element?”

Edward shakes his head no.

“Hmm, then how about Interview with a Vampire?”

Edward says no again.

“Geez. Ok how about Wolverine?”

Edward just chuckles. I take that as a no.

“Dang. I give up. What’s the answer?”

“Twilight,” says Edward. He winds his scarf around his neck and struts back to my bag.

Adventures with Edward: Edward visits Boulder, Colorado

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:07:00 +0000

Setting: Boulder, Colorado

Edward hears I am going on a trip to a far off country, full of snow and mountains. He begs to go. He must try to get his mind off of Bella Doll. Plus he has a scarf. So he is ready. I tell him to hop in my bag and get comfortable. He wiggles in next to my knitting and mittens.

We board the plane. He climbs out of my bag and finds his seat. He scoffs at the seat belt. The Sky Mall magazine holds his interest for 13.9 seconds. Then he is bored.

The flights are short. Edward watches Ladyhawke on my iPhone. He thinks the ’80’s music is cheesy, but otherwise enjoys it. Edward also thinks that Matthew Broderick’s English accent is lacking.

Once the plane is landed, Edward enjoys the sites. He conquers some strange metallic beast.

It was hard to eat, but Edward decides this is exotic food.

Edward decides to stop and smell the flowers.

They smell of plastic Bella Doll’s perfume. Or what he imagines Bella Doll’s perfume smells like. He has only really smelled her packaging.

The mountains and pines beckon to Edward. He climbs a tree. It is reminiscent of this movie he saw once with a human Bella. He remembers the scene well.

He wonders if he can ever persuade Bella Doll out of her box. Alas. For now, he just imagines her presence.

Heartsick, Edward wanders to a snowy patch and whips up a snowman. He must be careful. His powerful vampire hands tend to crush, not mold. He shares his scarf.

It has been a good trip. Edward is glad he has visited Boulder.

Adventures with Edward: Edward writes Bella Doll a poem

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:01:00 +0000

Setting: Office of the human

Edward, climbs out of the human’s giant purse and says he’s been thinking. I ask him what about. “Bella Doll,” he says, with a faraway look. “I’ve decided to woo her. Tis time I declared my intentions.”

I set Edward up at my desk and let him brainstorm. After a few minutes I check on his progress.

“Hmm,” I say. “It’s ok, but I think you can do better, Edward. Try again. This time, think about what you like about Bella Doll.”

“Ha.Ha.” I say, rolling my eyes.” Edward laughs uproariously. Boys.

I place Edward off to the side of the computer to think about maybe writing a poem. Edward contemplates.

Poor Edward. He can’t scratch his head. Those elbows just won’t bend enough.

Edward types away at the computer. He tsks. Crosses things out. Thinks more. Types again. This is what he comes up with:

Edward looks to me for approval. “Well?” he asks.

“Umm…Gee, Edward, I’m just so blinded by the love oozing from your words…give me a second to think…”

Edward taps his foot impatiently. It’s the only thing on his body that moves with ease. I pick out the drum line for “Whip It” in his foot taps.

“Edward, I think we should just try to find you some sunglasses.”

Edward sighs deeply and crawls back in my bag. Poor Edward.

Adventures with Edward: Edward takes up a hobby

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:55:00 +0000

Setting: living room of the human

One night, Edward wanders over to a stash of yarn. Standing amidst all the yarn, Edward decides he needs a hobby.

Looking around, Edward grabs the first needles he can find and some yarn. He chooses a very manly color.

Poor Edward. Those needles are much too big for him. Unless he wants to do the javelin.

Hunting around, Edward finds something more his size.

Ever so carefully, Edward begins his project. He weilds his toothpick knitting needles like a champ, whipping that embroidery floss into submission.

Quicker than you can say “Vampire Dolls Make Knitting Cool”, Edward finishes his creation. He models his scarf and wonders if Bella Doll will look at him with new plastic eyes.

Either way, he feels stylin.

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to work with his human

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:34:00 +0000

Setting: office desk of the human who carries Edward around in her purse

Edward, bored of the home of his human (aka me), decides to find adventure by tagging along at work.

His first job, to hand me paperclips.

Then, Edward hands me my highlighter. He is feeling very good about himself.

Then like the easily distracted vampire doll that he is, Edward goes a little crazy. He spins himself in my office supply carousel thingy.

Quicker than I can say “Vampire Gone Wild”, Edward wraps himself in tape.

I untangle Edward from the sticky tape. Edward promises to be good.

I send Edward to the copy room to make some copies for me. However, this proves to be a mistake.

I find Edward making mischief. Edward tells me this is the closest he could come of photocopying his hiney. Whatever, I say. He laughs at his handiwork.

I carry Edward Doll back to my desk and tell him he needs to have S.Q.U.I.R.T. Edward looks at me questioningly. It’s ’Silent Quiet Uninterrupted Individual Reading Time’, I explain. I load up Midnight Sun on my iPhone and set Edward down to read.

This lasts five minutes. Then he finds my SIGN HERE tabs.

Adventures with Edward: Edward watches his favorite show

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:28:00 +0000

Setting: the computer, where the latest episode of “Men Dolls” is airing

Edward, standing in front of the computer, stares avidly at his favorite show, Men Dolls.

Edward thinks it’s a crying shame that TNT hasn’t picked up this show yet. For now, he will just have to make do with weekly episodes on the innernets.

Edward thinks that Edward Cullen is one handsome doll. Plautonically.

Edward reads the dialogue and laughs uproariously.

Edward wonders what will happen on next week’s episode.

He also thinks that Michael Vartan Doll has a huge forehead.

Adventures with Edward: Edward visits the happiest place on earth

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 14:19:00 +0000

Setting: hot summer day in Orlando, Florida

Edward, still mending from his recent rejection of Bella, who chose the other Edward with the sunglasses, decides to blow this popsicle stand and see the world.

His first stop: Epcot

Edward, standing next to the golf ball thingy realizes while he may be a powerful plastic vampire, he is still very tiny.

Edward roams the park, looking for adventure. Unfortunately, the few rides there are have height restrictions. He can’t eat anything, so sampling the international cuisine is out. His pea coat has no pockets to hold money. Epcot, for plastic vampire dolls, is kind of boring.

For fun, Edward stands by a sparkly Nemo character, just to see if anyone notices him. Edward is jealous of the sparkles.

This becomes dull, so Edward visits a playground. Once again, his height is an issue. Powerful vampire dolls cannot do much on a playground.

Edward spots a rock wall and decides to push it over. No reason, there’s just not much else to do.

Rock wall conquered, Edward decides to see the beach. This is a mistake, as beaches are no place for tiny dolls.

Thankfully, the rushing waves do not drown his plastic lungs, as he cannot breathe anyway.

Edward sighs, and finds a spot to sit, er- stand and ponder.

Edward, seeing the irony, paces and finally throws up his hands in a gesture of impatience.

Suddenly, a Giant Mouse grabs him and hugs him. Edward does not want to fight this behemoth monster so he just holds very still and pretends to be a plastic doll.

The Mouse Monster gently sets Edward down on the sidewalk and ambles away, waving his Hamburger Helper gloves.

Edward catches his breath and realizes he came very close to an early demise.

Adventure quota filled for the day, Edward bids Epcot adieu.

Adventures with Edward: Edward meets Bella

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:09:00 +0000

Setting: Carpeted wilderness with just a smidge of civilization

Edward, standing alone attempts to run his fingers through his unruly hair.

He can’t…quite…reach…beennnnddd elllboowwwww….

When suddenly-

He sees a strange sight-

It is…himself. Edward stands, head cocked to the side, looking at this carbon copy.

“Hmpf,” he says. He turns away from the imposter and that’s when he sees her. Bella.

“Bella”, he says, experimentally using her name. “Bellaaaa.” It is like the blood of a gazelle on his tongue.

He comes closer to have a better look. He realizes, this is it, this is the adventure he’s been hunting for.

He beckons to her to come out.

Bella, staring straight ahead says something about “integrity of the packaging” and doesn’t move.

“Besides,” she says. “This Edward has something you’ll never have.”

“What’s that?” Edward asks.

“Sunglasses.”

Edward takes a closer look at the other Edward.

“Dang.”

Edward, one last time looking at the pair of them realizes that they are almost holding hands.

Clearly, Edward cannot compete with the other Edward for the plastic heart of Bella.

Resolutely, Edward turns away and continues attempting to run his hands through his hair.

Almost…there…

Adventures with Edward: Edward tries to hitch

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 13:49:00 +0000

Setting: Steamy summy night in desolate area

Edward, standing by the side of the road, decides to hitch a ride. He wants to sparkle, to attact someone, but realizes he will have to settle for plastic shiny.

He's a little frustrated that his thumb won't stick up. He thinks he looks like he's trying to hail a cab instead. However, maybe his rugged good looks and his sticky up hair will entice a car to stop.

Lo and behold, a car pulls up.

It's a...butterfly lady with two little kids in the back seat. She stops, asks if he needs a ride and he approaches the car.

She looks safe. However, she doesn't have a ring on her left hand, so he's wondering if she's looking for a baby daddy for her two kids.

But he's looking for some adventure so he hops in. There's just one problem-

Edward can't sit. He doesn't bend. Just his elbows bend, making him look double jointed. He tries different methods. Standing up in the seat isn't very safe, even for a vampire.

Edward tries laying down. But he doesn't feel very manly doing this. Also, he's having trouble with the seat belt and then remembers he's a vampire and doesn't need to fool with trivial human things like seat belts.

He decided to heck with safety. He stands up in the back, ready for adventure. Besides, as he doesn't bend that's his only option. Just as Butterfly Lady is about to take off, some of her friends approach the car.

Edward realizes that this scene is a little out of his league. So, ever the gentleman, he gives up his seat to the platinum blonde who looks the least deranged.

Edward stands by the side of the road, watching the car with all the ladies driving away. He hopes the lady with the wedding dress doesn't fall of the back of the car and continues his search for adventure.

Adventures with Edward

noreply@blogger.com (Kearsie) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:38:00 +0000

What? What’s that, Edward? You want out of your box?

Ok, there. Feel better?

Well, what would you like to do first, Edward? Perhaps we shall watch a movie. Hmm… what about this?

Oh don’t be so modest, Edward. Have a seat. Feeling a bit peckish? Here’s you a snack.

Oh dear. I wasn’t thinking. Let me see what else I have… Hmm, it seems this is all I’ve got in the way of animal products, Edward. Hope this works.

…it seems I must be better prepared when entertaining a vampire.