Advice for Parents by Doris Smeltzer

Healing metaphors gathered at the beach

2013-06-14T23:53:42-07:00

We just returned from a fun-filled family vacation in Santa Barbara that included visits at two different zoos, special “girls only” pedicures, walks on the wharf, and above all, play on the beach. As I reflected on this lighthearted time, the "healing metaphors" jumped out at me.

I watched our grandchildren’s beach shovels hit the occasional large stone while digging deeply in the sand. In order for their efforts to continue these obstacles had to be dislodged. The "diggers" were not daunted. With patience and persistence they scraped around the rocks until loosened enough to be pulled out and laid aside allowing for the activity to continue.

Is this not reminiscent of the work we do on ourselves...digging into psyche, discovering those aspects of self (or experiences) that must be loosened and temporarily laid aside in order for our self-explorations to continue?

The excavated sand was scooped into buckets, which were upturned and emptied into mounds surrounding the pit. Eventually these seemingly extraneous piles of sand were flattened via karate-like kicks with bare feet, reuniting the cast-off portions.

How similar to our eventual recognition of the need to include all aspects of who we are into an integrated whole. And how pummeled and flattened we can feel by the “karate kick” feeling inherent to this process.

At one point, under my watchful eye our grandson Fischer clambered to the top of a high cliff while his parents ran back to our rental for forgotten items. Fischer’s ascent began in an easily trod crevice, which led to a higher flat area, allowing fairly easy access to the summit. When his mom and dad returned, rounding the corner at the base of this cliff, their eyes widened as they spied their son’s seemingly precarious perch. I encouraged our grand son to show them the path he took by retracing his steps. With relief they were able to see, from this new vantage point, that the trek was not near as dangerous as it first appeared.

The goal of healing can appear daunting or downright impossible when considered in its entirety. Yet, when we begin by taking just one initial step, followed by another and then another, we are less overwhelmed or frightened by the enormity of the task. It is especially helpful to have the perspective of a mentor or guide who has already walked the path.

Although witnessing joyful play prompted these similes, I am completely aware that there is nothing easy or joyous for most of those who choose to begin the arduous task of healing from an eating disorder. Seeing the journey of healing through the lens of these simple metaphors makes them seem, at least to me, more doable somehow.

With blessings until next time,

Doris

"Hate loss"

2013-06-07T15:32:10-07:00

Yesterday I searched through the stack of recently returned long-ago letters written by me to one of my sisters.

It was to check for the location of a camping trip we took when our daughters were young. We’ve been thinking of re-creating this fun time with our grandchildren but cannot recall where we’d pitched our tents—it was a little slice of heaven. Sadly, the years in which this adventure took place were missing from this haphazard collection of memories.

What I did find was a letter expressing how much better my marriage had become after our rocky first year. In the words of my 25-year-old self:

Tom and I have been getting along really well lately. He’s been a great help to me and a real good friend, too. It’s hard for me to believe how close we’ve grown in the last few years, considering how difficult our first year together was. We’ve both grown a lot and learned from each other and feel really good with each other.

To what did I attribute this positive change? Again…in my own words:

I feel a lot of how good Tom feels about me comes from my feeling so much better about myself—since I’ve lost weight and have started working on being healthy and in shape I really feel much better about me as a person, so I allow Tom to feel better about me as a person!

Yup…that’s how I thought at age 25 (a year before giving birth to Andrea). Reading this version of myself from over 30 years ago saddened my heart considerably. I knew I’d bought into the cultural body hatred but having the evidence in writing was … well, just so very sad.

In an Every day feminism blog article by Virgie Tovar she speaks about our need to “lose hate, not weight.” She describes this choice succinctly:

My life began when I stopped trying to lose weight and set my mind to losing hate.

I choose hate loss, not weight loss for everyone who has lost and will lose their lives or health to weight loss surgery.

I choose hate loss, not weight loss in the name of protesting a multi-billion dollar dieting industry that peddles shame in exchange for cash.

I choose hate loss, not weight loss to destabilize a racist, sexist, and fatphobic health system that values certain bodies over others.

I choose hate loss, not weight loss because no act of self-love will ever be a wasted effort.

Because I only get one body, and it’s miraculous, and it’s beautiful, and I will fightfor it, not against it.

I choose hate loss, not weight loss for the person I used to be, for the skipped meals and the lost years, and for every little fat brown girl who cries and wishes she was someone else.

Today, I’m with Virgie: I choose hate loss, not weight loss.

With blessings until next time,

Doris

Unique summer gifts

2013-05-31T10:12:26-07:00

We spent last week visiting Tom's soon-to-be 90-year-old dad, who is recovering from a fall-necessitated hip replacement surgery.

In the first few days he was suffering with quite a bit of confusion confounded by age- and/or med-related dementia. Seeing him like this triggered a cascade of emotions in me. The anniversary of my mom's death landed on Mother's Day this year, and seeing my father-in-law in this condition brought up a lot of the grief over my mom's decades-long journey and demise from Alzheimer's. In a recent email to a friend, on a similar topic, I wrote:

Grief is so fascinating to me. How others' grief can trigger our own--even grief that is decades old--but feeling it, yet again, can provide a needed release--being able to see the experience with our current eyes. Not sure that grief ever leaves, it just asks to be expressed when it arises.

My father-in-law's condition triggered my grief around my mother's death. She died just four weeks before Andrea. I barely had time to wrap my head around her passing before being hit with Andrea's. As we drove back to our hotel room after our visit with Tom's dad, I allowed these feelings to rise and expressed them through sobs that first night.

So, needless to say, last week was an emotionally draining time. Hence I was in a sensitive place. One night at dinner a comment was made about weight loss. It arose from observations about the to-be-expected-after-surgery weight loss of my father-in-law. My comment, "Thank goodness he had the weight to lose" was not able to turn the conversation away from the 80-year-old speaker lamenting the weight she "needed" to lose while recounting the exact weights from which she'd risen in her younger days, and how she'd like to get back to those weights.

As my regular readers know, this is not the sort of dialog to which I want to be exposed or take part. My mind raced with thoughts of how to redirect the focus without causing a scene or offense, as I was keenly aware that I was not the only one in a sensitive place. When the speaker finally paused for a moment I interjected, "You know, I once weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces...and I haven't been able to get back to that weight either." We all shared a hearty laugh and I was able to quickly ask an unrelated question, which effectively ended the weight talk.

Tom later said, "That was brilliant...I am amazed you were able to recall your birth weight!" I laughed and admitted that I had no idea what I weighed at birth. I just made it up in the moment. I think being in emotional upheaval had slowed me down enough to really consider how to make a gentle, yet effective response.

Tomorrow I am headed to Humboldt County for a visit with a dear friend and grad school-roommate. It will be a time of rejuvenation and rest for me as she is someone with whom it is easy for me to relax into being myself, with never a need for redirecting the conversation.

May you, too, have the gift this summer of spending time with someone with whom it is easy to be uniquely and thoroughly you.

With blessings until next time,

Doris

Shining a light on mental illness, yet...

2013-05-17T22:24:03-07:00

We watched the movie "Silver Linings Playbook" tonight. I was thrilled with the needed attention it brought to mental health issues (primarily bi-polar & depression), yet was troubled by one recurring theme.

By the time we meet the male protagonist, Pat, he's been in a mental hospital for eight months and we quickly come to understand via the repeated comments about lost weight, that he was heavier when he went in than when he came out.

The compliments on Pat's lost weight occurred nearly a half dozen times throughout the film. Each time they were received with a smile and/or thanks. I was warned to expect this aspect of the story, but still it bothered me. Even diminished, for me, the overall value of the film's message.

Maybe because we had just returned from giving a presentation in Utah where we instructed on the need to move away from "fat talk," and how comments on weight, lost or gained, is a huge part of this problematic behavior. And maybe because in shining a light on Pat's struggle with his specific mental illnesses, the movie appeared to minimize other seemingly "quirky" habits: wearing a "trash bag poncho" to increase the sweat factor involved with his excessive amounts (in my opinion) of exercise. It felt to me that his exercise/diet patterns were potentially ignored and unidentified co-occurring conditions (due to their cultural normalization as "acceptable" patterns of behavior rather than potential indicators of serious illness).

On our drive to the Salt Lake City airport Tom took a photo of an old-time ad on the side of a barn:

Curious as to what Dr. Pierce's "prescription" treated, I did some Internet searching and found this article. Evidently, this "favorite" woman's tonic was:

The best medicine for girls who are nervous, melancholy, and irregular of appetite. ... It cures nervousness, dizziness and melancholy, promotes the appetite, and gives the body robust health.

Wow! A cure for mental and physical ills--what a miraculous elixir! If only it were that simple. All mental illnesses are complex and serious issues that are not easily treated with a simple tonic. What "Silver Linings" attempts to do is admirable: educate about and humanize mental conditions that are often trivialized, misunderstood and harshly judged while eliminating the shame of suffering with biological/genetic illnesses that are not due to personal failure or choice.

I just wish that the weight loss and excessive exercise (as I perceived them to be portrayed) had been left out altogether or included in Pat's diagnosis as treatable, co-morbid conditions. Just my two cents :)

With blessings until next time,

Doris

Italy: authentic to the core

2013-05-10T14:16:45-07:00

Just read through the journal I kept while in Italy. It's pretty detailed (even noted the food we purchased) until day five. Not one more entry.

At this point is seems moot to attempt to recreate our adventures from that date forward but I must admit it was good to be reminded of our first week...I was surprised at how much I'd already forgotten!

Although every person we dealt with in Italy (shop owners, restaurant employees, etc) were polite and kind (except one: the owner of a kitchen store showed great exasperation and scolded us for lifting items to take a closer look or to check the price tag on the bottom--we did not give her our business) not one person made eye contact with us when walking on the street. Even when we initiated a "buongiorno" with a smile...no response. Not in Firenze (Florence), Fiesole, Pisa, Rome, or Siena. It felt so completely incongruous with their individual responses to us when doing business. Have no idea if it's a cultural thing, unique to central Italy or an anomaly that only we've experienced.

I loved that the towns mentioned above (and the landscape seen via our train or bus rides to same) sported very few (if any) billboard ads, etc. It was a welcome media-dearth environment. And when I did see such signs, they were, for the most part, very small. But predictably their messaging was "thin-driven" (a Times-Square-like screen showing fashion run-way models in the main square of Firenze, with a large photo of an extremely thin male model plastered on the building next door (an Abercrombie & Fitch-like ad). This photo I took of a poster in the window of a local Firenze bank, however, actually surprised me:

Reading Italian is not a strong suit but the model's fond, sideways glance toward the donut (and the higher percentage yield) pulls a bit of a reversal on our culture's "good" food / "bad" food portrayals...yet it still exemplifies black & white thinking (it may be that this ad actually originated in the US and was translated into Italian)

Even if there had been a plethora of negative extraneous messaging, nothing could of kept me from enjoying the phenomenal cuisine and wine of the region! We had a memorable time.

Prior to leaving the U.S., I downloaded to my Kindle a book our daughter recommended, Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of my Hasidic Roots by Deborah Feldman. I didn't begin reading it until I returned home (too much to see!). Although this seems like a real non sequitur, please bare with me. In the final pages of this book, Ms. Feldman writes a message that I'd like to leave with you:

People want to know if I've found happiness, but what I've found is better: authenticity. I'm finally free to be myself, and that feels good. If anyone ever tries to tell you to be something you're not, I hope you too can find the courage to speak up in protest.

A beautiful sentiment, especially for those who suffer with an eating disorder, but it also provides the word I'd been searching for to describe Italy: authentic. Whether or not people smiled at us on the street, the place exuded the feeling that Italy is what it is: no excuses, no apologies. Amazingly refreshing.

With blessings until next time,

Doris

I'm back...

2013-05-03T20:58:58-07:00

...from a lovely few weeks in Italy!!

I honored my commitment to "unplug" but I must admit, it was done with GREAT difficulty. I do not ever again want to travel in a foreign country without easy access to wi-fi. It is just too difficult to navigate. I even rented a global phone, but unfortunately we were without service for more than a week. Our first emergency arose in the early hours of our initial arrival at our home "base" in Florence. We could not get into our apartment without a call to the landlord and my global phone was worthless. Thank goodness for the kindheartedness of an Italian stranger who was willing to make a call on his cell for us!!

Returning home has been far more difficult than leaving (and leaving felt REALLY hard!). Our bodies are still unsure as to which time zone they belong. I have made good faith attempts at staying awake during daylight hours and sleeping during the dark times...yet my body would so rather do the reverse. Hence my brain is challenged when it comes to doing simple tasks...like thinking.

BUT, even with all of that, it was amazing to stand in a land so drenched in history and to walk the cobble stoned paths taken by Michelangelo, DaVinci, et al. Although Tom and I attempted to learn Italian before venturing forth, we quickly discovered that the majority of Italians with whom we came in contact spoke much better English than our broken Italian--a sweet surprise.

We traveled mostly via "foot" with a number of buses and trains thrown in. We endured days of illness and discomfort (dang, it was so much easier in our youth!) but came away with new knowledge and perspectives on our loooong history as humans. Our travel challenges were put into insightful perspective.

Nevertheless, there is truly no place like home ... and I look forward to sharing more with you next week. Right now, I must get to bed...my body is still in Italy where it is now a quarter past 4 in the morning.

Ciao, Ciao,

Doris

What Messages Do You Send?

2013-04-21T06:53:01-07:00

Guest blog by Carolyn Costin...An Excerpt from her book, Your Dieting Daughter:

Food may become a medium through which you communicate many feelings. You may use food to demonstrate love, to get approval, as a way of being creative, as a means of proving how resourceful you are, as a way of distracting from other issues, as a source of comfort, as a means of apology, and there are many more. Reading through the following list of examples about messages related to food and weight may help you better understand things that go wrong as well as give you ideas about how they can go right.

Compliments

Compliments are important but be careful not to send the wrong message to your daughter. You don’t want to give your daughter the message that how she looks is more than important than how she eats and takes care of herself.

Protecting from Discrimination

"You never want to be fat. I’ll do whatever I can to help prevent that from happening to you.”

If you are worried about your daughter’s weight be careful not to give her the message that she is not okay or needs to be thin. You may want to protect her from teasing and size discrimination but be careful not to become her first source of discrimination by making her feel bad that she is too big or too heavy.

Food as Reward and Punishment

“If you are good, I will take you for an ice cream.”

“If you don't eat your dinner you can't have dessert.”

Food is often used an enticement and children learn that certain foods belong in special categories, like “good” and “bad.” Good food/ Bad food thinking can set the stage for someone to become too rigid and restrictive about eating or sneak food, rebel by eating, comfort themselves with, or overly indulge in what they consider “bad foods.”

Food as Love

Early in the mother-daughter relationship, food is intrinsically connected to nurturing and love; getting one means having the other. Your daughter may substitute food for love if she has a break up with a boyfriend or fight with a friend or in some other way feels lacking. It is important for you to discuss with your daughter what other things can be done to help with feelings of emptiness and or lack of love.

If you would like to learn more about how you can help your Dieting Daughter and yourself, click here.

Looking, comparing and taking a long overdue break

2013-04-08T17:11:09-07:00

Yesterday, I stood in the drug store waiting for a prescription to be filled. While I waited I walked down the magazine/books aisle and noticed that our First Lady was on the cover of Vogue. Although I have no idea for certain, I can guess that this shot was airbrushed. If nothing else, Mrs. Obama's face appears to have no pores--often a sign of "Photo-shop-magic."

Since I had 10 minutes to kill I glanced at all the other major fashion magazine covers and there wasn't one person on any of them who looked real to me. Old news, I know. Yet, when gathered together along a long pharmacy row, it gives a powerful "ouch" to the self-esteem if one is inclined to look and compare.

And "look / compare" is something many of us do all too often.

A few weeks ago, Tom cut out a comic strip for me...see it for yourself here. In it you see a standard grocery store check-out line with a cashier scanning a purchase and across from this line, a "self-checkout." The twist? This second line provides only a mirror.

Our grand-kids stayed with us after Easter and a close friend came by to see them. The grand-kids shared photos they had of some of our mutual friends. The first words upon viewing one picture, said in front of our grand-kids were, "Wow, [he's] lost weight!" REALLY??!! How I wish that thought had remained just that: an unspoken thought.

Ok, so my ramblings appear to be proclaiming that I've recently "had enough." So...I've decided to be proactive in helping myself decompress and rejuvenate by taking a three-week hiatus from the media, technology, et al. I will post again on May 3rd (with a valuable guest-post by another Gürze blogger sometime between now and then). I trust that I will return with a refreshed and more positive outlook. Plus I'll have many adventures to share about my time in "un-plugged" land! Please take care in the interim and know that I send...

Blessings until next time,

Doris

Letters and lessons from the past

2013-03-29T19:01:39-07:00

Over a month ago one of my sisters sent me an amazing and unique gift. It seems that she saved all the letters I wrote her with the intent of one day returning them to me as a sort of "diary" of the past. I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to look through them, until today.

The letters were arranged in chronological order so I picked up the first dated March 24, 1977--written over 30 years ago! I must admit feeling a bit of trepidation...not sure I really wanted to revisit my past. I was surprised at how much I packed into one envelope--this first missive was 7 pages long and all hand-written. My initial realization as I began reading was that I remembered more than I thought I would...until getting to page two. From then on I had only vague recollections or no memory whatsoever of what I shared.

This letter tells the story of a young newlywed couple (Tom and me) and their toddler's first experience at day care (Jocelyn--Andrea wouldn't enter the scene for another two years) and a 12-year-old dog in her final days. The most surprising part of the letter was actually about the dog--I was jealous of her! Until reading this letter I had no recollection of having felt so strongly about Duchess, the German Shepard/Doberman mix that had been Tom's constant companion since puppy-hood. A portion of what I wrote:

She is the only thing I've had to compete with for attention from [Tom] and I believe it's a losing battle. I just want to see if anything changes after she goes. It has seemed apparent to me that my husband needs that "something else" to love first and then he can love me. Won't know till Dutch is gone. Hope my suspicions aren't true.

Wow! A shocker to be sure (and a tad bit embarrassing--really??!!). I can't wait to share this letter with Tom and see if he was at all aware of my feelings back then. I imagine it will be as much a surprise to him as it is to me.

If this is any indication of what is to come, I may just allow the past to remain in the past. Yet, I am reminded that this is the time of year for celebrations of renewal, remembering and re-birth. If I keep reading, maybe I'll walk away with not only "refreshed" memories, but a more accurate perspective on the woman I was and how she became the woman I am today.

With special blessings during this time of Passover, Easter, and the beauty of spring,

Doris

Thank you Michelle Obama!

2013-03-22T14:24:21-07:00

On Feb 5, 2010 I wrote an open letter to our First Lady and shared it via this blog post. Essentially, it was a request that she re-examine her messaging in her "Let's Move!" campaign to focus on health rather than weight--an overall "do no harm" approach to wellness.

Today I write an open heartfelt thanks to Mrs. Obama for the change in her languaging evident during the "Let's Move!" Google+ fireside hangout on March 5th. As reported in a March 18th Sacramento Bee Article by the Eating Disorder Coalition, "Mrs. Obama stressed that a lifestyle of overall wellness, not size or weight, dictates health in the long run." The Huffington Post, reporting on the same fireside chat, quoted Mrs. Obama as adding,

I have two young daughters. We never talk about weight. I make it a point. I don't want our children to be weight-obsessed. I want them to be focused on: What do I have to do, in this body --because everybody is different, every person's body is different-- what do I have to do to be the healthiest that I can be. [For a post that outlines the time-line on the First Lady's "shift" in a far more detailed manner, please visit Dr. Deah's Tasty Morsels site.]

There were numerous other concerned organizations and individuals who also responded back in 2010 with letter writing campaigns, blog articles, social networking posts and tweets, etc. Were our concerns heard? Did they help in initiating the "new" verbiage we heard a few weeks ago? We have no idea, but I must celebrate this change in Mrs. Obama's messaging and commend her for being willing to speak in a less potentially harmful way.

The evidence of change, however, comes via actions. If the new words become reflected in the Let's Move! curriculum then my deep gratitude will be multiplied ten-fold. Until then, I remain grateful for baby steps.

With blessings until next time,

Doris

To add your thanks:

Mrs. Obama’s Facebook Page

Email Mrs. Obama