Advice for Parents by Doris Smeltzer

All about Andrea

2012-02-10T21:31:39-08:00

We spent the last few days at Andrea's alma mater, Pitzer College. Our time there was amazing...from the luncheon tables where students were encouraged to sign "No fat talk" commitments all the way to our evening presentation--the day was magical.

After our delicious lunch at the dining hall (evidently Pitzer's dining services are rated #2 in the nation--it is a well-deserved title), we were given a tour of Andrea's old dorm hall, where she lived for two years, the final of which as a Resident Assistant. Tom and I struggled with trying to locate, from memory, Andrea's rooms. We finally felt certain we'd found them, and then were able to locate where the many photos were taken that had been recently sent to us from, Caroline, one of her suite-mates. It was amazingly sweet (not even bittersweet...just sweet :)

Towards evening the students had arranged for a commemoration ceremony at Andrea's Memorial Garden. The groundskeeper had redone a portion of her garden to match the desert landscaping which is the signature of Pitzer. The photo attached* shows this newly renovated addition to Andrea's garden--it is simply beautiful.

At the evening talk, we were able to reconnect with the Resident Director who was one of Andrea's mentors while at Pitzer. To see her and her husband after so many years was yet another treat.

The next morning before making our way to the airport, we headed to former suite-mate Caroline's house, where we'd been invited to come meet her daughter for the first time. Caroline lives in a lovely home in Upland with her husband and her adorable one-year-old. We all went back to Pitzer together because Caroline was sure we'd gotten the location of their dorm rooms all wrong. She was right. It was incredibly satisfying to locate the actual rooms where Andrea had lived thanks to Caroline's guidance (no, we did not disturb the current residents :)

It was a day filled with tears and joy.

In the week prior to our flight to southern California, I'd been working on a talk that I'll be co-presenting at the IAEDP conference during its Saturday luncheon in March. While rummaging through Andrea's journals to find photos and choose new quotes from her writings, an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of yellow tablet paper fell from one of her old class binders. It is evidently a response to a professor's "getting to know you" assignment. Reading it made me chuckle....it was so "Andrea"...so indicative of her understated humor. I share it with you here so that maybe you too can share my chuckle, get to know our daughter a bit better, and bring this "all about Andrea" post full circle:

I tend to object to 'getting to know you' worksheets on a matter of principle. Mainly the principle that to complete the worksheet one must talk about oneself. These types of worksheets make me increasingly uncomfortable as I find myself wondering about the questioner's ulterior motives, i.e.: she wants to know what color crayon I would eat. What color crayon? What is that supposed to tell her? If I answer green does that mean something? What about black? If I answer black am I morbid? --and so my mind goes until I give you an answer like burnt sienna and just confuse us both. That right there should tell you a lot about me (no, I'm not paranoid or disturbed, just overly thoughtful). So I decided that if I'm going to have to write about myself anyway I might as well be blunt and not make you divine what I must be like by reading about my choice in breakfast cereal.

And with that, dear readers, I send you blessings until next time,

Doris
* Photo compliments of the amazingly talented Pitzer student, Cat Eskilson

We stand for...

2012-02-03T14:57:32-08:00

In a previous post I mentioned Georgia's misguided and harmful Strong4Life Campaign where the focus is on shaming fat children through posters and ads that send stigmatizing messages with words and pictures.

Marily Wann and a number of other Health At Every Size® proponents have developed a wonderful response to this campaign. They've encouraged those of us who oppose weight bullying to take a stand by submitting a photo along with words expressing what we STAND for. The photo in this blog is what Tom and I submitted last night.

The words we used are from the following poem written by Andrea a few months before her death:

I have an eating disorder
it is not had or did or used to
it is present tense

I am Learning
it is learning to love myself
it is learning to let others love me
it is surviving when they don’t
it is that I damn well deserve that love

I am Trying
it is trying to listen to my body
it is about ups and downs and all arounds
it is trying to give myself what I need
it is letting others give me what I need
it is trying to recognize needs of others without
hurting myself

I am Going Slowly
it is being patient and gentle with myself
it is going through the day hour by hour,
sometimes minute by minute
it is not being everything to everyone not even myself

I am Accepting
it is accepting drugs as a way to heal myself
it is accepting the words depression, anorexia,
bulimia as tools to describe, not label
it is accepting the help and care and fear of others
it is accepting food as a necessity not an enemy

I am Beautiful!
it is beauty irrelevant of size or number or grade

I am Alive
it is fighting to remain that way

I am Pain
it is trying not to hurt myself

I am on a Journey
it is laughing, crying, cartwheeling, eating.
It is o.k.
I am o.k.

Ragen Chastain is raising funds to purchase billboards in Georgia that will give a Health At Every Size® message in an attempt to counter the negativity being generated by the Strong4Life campaign. Right now, the money has been raised but there is a matching $5,000 MoreofMeToLove donation to be activated, which requires 1,000 people to donate $1. So far 527 people have contributed. If interested in joining me in supporting this cause, please go to "SolidarityDollar"

Although Andrea stated in the final line of her poem that she was "o.k." that was not true. Those running the Georgia campaign believe that what they are doing is "o.k." That also is not true. Shaming and bullying children is never "o.k."

Sending blessings until next time,

Doris

A dentist tale

2012-01-20T23:02:06-08:00

I changed dentists about 15 years ago when a molar on my lower jaw, that had been cracked and injured, needed to be removed. This professional insisted that he had to also pull the corresponding tooth on the upper jaw as well. If not, this tooth would grow to fill the gap, causing all sorts of problems.

I remember listening to this plan in stunned silence. Really. A perfectly healthy tooth needed to be pulled because of what might happen in the future?? I tried to talk my dentist out of this approach. Certainly we could pull the injured tooth and take a wait-and-see approach with the healthy one. But no. He insisted that would only lead to difficulty.

I searched until I found a dentist, a young man who was fresh out of dental school, who was willing to pull only the cracked tooth. I have been happily in the care of this professional ever since (and no, the healthy tooth that was predicted to give me such misery has not done so).

Sadly, nearly overnight this young man was diagnosed with a brain tumor and without warning had to sell his practice. My heart breaks for this dentist's journey, especially since both Tom and I have felt a deep friendship develop with him over the years. From the dental chair, we've witnessed his journey into marriage and eventually the birth of four beautiful children. We feel grief for him, his family and for us.

My first visit with the new owner of this dental practice was a few days ago. After my teeth were cleaned by the hygienist I met our new dentist. In answering his questions I mentioned that we'd been out of town recently, eventually revealing our work in the world of eating disorder prevention due to Andrea's death. I sat in shock, my mouth filled with this strangers fingers forcing me to listen to him expound on his feelings of sadness over such stories, equating Andrea's death with suicide, and the tragedy of young people who have no perspective on how minor or transient are their problems and so take their lives or do stupid things that kill them.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I realize that people are misinformed when it comes to eating disorders, but to minimize my daughter's struggle with a deadly illness to a "stupid mistake" felt reminiscent of the ridiculous comments made shortly after Andrea's death by well-meaning individuals who would spout platitudes about how they knew exactly how I felt because they'd once had a pet dog die (I, too have lost beloved animals. It is heart-wrenching but, trust me, doesn't come close to the pain of losing a child) or that we should be grateful because we still had one daughter left (I AM grateful that Jocelyn is still alive, but Jocelyn isn't Andrea--do not ask me not to grieve for the loss of one child simply because I am fortunate enough to have a second). As with these people, I believe this dentist thought he was making comforting statements.

It is possible that someone reading this may be thinking, "Well then, what could he have said?" Frankly, nothing. I mean that sincerely. When confronted with another person's loss there are no words that can heal or fix the situation. Listening with compassion and empathy is, although much more difficult than it sounds, often the best response. If silence feels too cruel or too difficult, then a simple, "I am so sorry for your loss." will suffice. No other words are necessary.

And now I must thank you for allowing me to get this experience out of my insides by sharing it with you...it has been churning in a not so pleasant way. It feels good to write it down.

And alas, I am once again searching for a new dentist.

With blessings until next time,

Doris

A student asks...

2012-01-16T17:28:01-08:00

We presented a number of talks at Phillips Exeter Academy in New Hampshire last week. During the morning assembly we were able to speak to about 1,000 students. Our first experience with over a thousand students in attendance was at the Coast Guard Academy a number of years ago. Our Exeter audience was as polite and attentive--a relief to us as speakers.

Upon our return home, I received an email from a young girl who asked me a number of probing questions. She was not writing an article or paper (at least she did not reveal as much to me in her email). Below are a few of her more unique questions along with my responses:

Is there a difference between “fat talk” and bullying? Should children in elementary and middle schools have repercussions for using “fat talk”?

Interesting question. Since all fat talk, whether directed at self or others, is detrimental to our body image and our eating behaviors then I guess it could be said that fat talk is a form of bullying. There need to be policies in place at all schools that address bullying behaviors, whether they include fat talk directed at other people or teasing due to differences in ability (or whatever). I don't think "fat talk" needs to be singled out in bullying policies as it would be included in the spirit of a school's overall "do-no-harm" policy.

Do you think that hating people of a different body type is akin to hating people of a different skin color or other physical appearance different from your own?

I made a statement at assembly that I now wish I'd expounded on. I said that I had to look at how in my past I hated fat and even fat people. What I failed to say, is that this was an indicator of how much I hated/feared my own "potential" to become fat and had very little to do with "fat people." It seems to me that hatred of people who are different than we (for whatever reasons) is ultimately an expression of our own fears around these differences, especially if they are things that can happen to us (i.e. becoming disabled, ill, old or fat). We see how those with differences are marginalized and treated disrespectfully--we are scared to death of that ever happening to us. That fear becomes easier for us to tolerate if we project it onto others in the form of hate speech and/or actions (in my opinion :)

Do you think presenting this information to a large group is more efficient than talking to others one on one about these issues?

Well, speaking to hundreds at a time allows us to get the message out to far more than doing one-on-one work. I've done both and appreciate both. When time is limited, a larger audience can provide a greater opportunity to touch lives (and hopefully, change minds), yet it doesn't allow for much interaction, discussion or clarification which can often be when learning happens, for both student and speaker. So there are trade-offs in both situations.

I found these questions fascinating and definitely not among those we usually hear...I appreciated the spirit of curiosity with which they were asked.

Sending blessings until next time,

Doris

HAES reminders

2012-01-06T22:21:46-08:00

I wrote an explanation of a Health At Every Size® (HAES^(sm))approach today that was beyond the grasp of the youthful audience for which it was intended. Although they will not hear these words, I decided to share them with you:

We live in an environment that has become increasingly “fat phobic.” I realize that what I am going to propose is not only a major shift away from our current weight-based paradigm of health but can be an uncomfortable proposition depending on how immersed and/or dedicated one is to the maintenance of this paradigm. I ask, though, for you to open your heart as well as your mind and to give my words the benefit of the doubt until you have taken the time to research the veracity of my claims for yourself.

Prior to Andrea’s death, I was what is called a yo-yo dieter, meaning I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy going on nearly every diet known, yo-yoing between losing 20 pounds and regaining 20 pounds again and again. Before Andrea died I had, at long last, come to the realization, based on my own personal experience, that dieting didn’t work, but I did not know with what it could be replaced.

After Andrea’s death I started to research for myself the claims of the diet industry and was shocked to find that if I followed the money…searched for who paid for the studies…I often found that they were funded by pharmaceutical companies or the diet industry--entities that stood to gain a lot if people continued to hate their bodies and to use their products.

I discovered a small, dedicated group of researchers and advocates who espoused a shift to a “weight-neutral” paradigm, where the numbers on a scale did not measure health but instead viewed fitness through a metabolic lens, (blood pressures, glucose tolerance, and blood lipid profiles).

“Health at Every Size” is a radical “peace movement” which includes eating intuitively and moving our bodies regularly. It espouses health-sustaining lifestyles for all body sizes: thin AND fat, recognizing that the only sensible thing to do is to learn to love and accept the body as it is today because hating it does not promote self-care.

While we love what our genetics have given us, we relearn how to nourish it well and how to move it often…which may result in weight change, either a loss or gain or no change at all—a consequence that is irrelevant since the goal is not focused on weight. Weight is neutral. The goal is a life of internal peace and as sustainable a well-being as possible, given whatever limits may be inherent in our lives.

John Phillips, the founder of Phillips Exeter, wisely noted back in the 1700s that, “Goodness without knowledge is weak and feeble, but knowledge without goodness is dangerous.” Many in the current health-care environment, who are embedded in the dieting mentality, believe they have knowledge. Given the research I’ve done over the past 12 years, I question that knowledge…but I am also deeply concerned with what appears to be a lack of goodness: bullying fat people into dieting or hating their bodies, removing fat children from loving families, or commenting on others’ food choices under the thinly veiled guise of "concern." These are not actions based in goodness.

Recently, articles about fat children have been spreading around the blogosphere. It is heartbreaking how the "obesity fear-mongering" has not only taken a turn toward downright mean-spiritedness, but is no longer satisfied with offering up fat adults for humiliation. In France, higher marks were suggested for thin children; and a childhood obesity campaign in Georgia has inspired a petition against its disturbing policies.

In a recent email exchange on the ASDAH listserve, Deb Burgard, PhD, talked about the transitional stages one might go through in accepting the HAESparadigm. She proclaimed the final stage to be where the individual might eventually realize that it is “cool that we come in a vast diversity of sizes and that we affirmatively treasure the differences and talents of all our different bodies.”

Cool indeed...

With blessings until next time,

Doris

For 2012 ...

2011-12-31T21:02:10-08:00

May you know ...

With love and blessings,

Doris

Wishing you....

2011-12-23T10:34:25-08:00

....during the holidays.

Blessings,

Doris

Photo taken this AM of our family room mantel

Making room at the table for grief

2011-12-16T13:24:50-08:00

A few days ago a friend, who recently lost a family member, emailed to ask about how we incorporate Andrea into the holidays...hoping for guidance on how to do the same for her loved one.

Yesterday, I had lunch with another dear friend whose best friend and companion died just two weeks ago. She marveled at how we'd survived our grief but also wondered what we were doing to include Andrea in our celebrations this year.

It is difficult to navigate the hard work of grieving during what is considered by many a time of "good cheer." To be surrounded by friendly smiles and wishes of happy holidays almost adds insult to injury. Our pain is not visible. Sometimes even close friends and family can forget that grieving can make the simplest of tasks a challenge, let alone joining in with laughter and gaiety.

I think it is important to be open with others about our needs. Tom and I felt so fragile, so raw, the first few years after Andrea's death, that we only felt safe being with our daughter and son-in-law during the holidays. The few times we ventured into larger family gatherings we were stung by the absence of any mention of Andrea.

We did not have the strength or the wisdom to let others know that to us hearing our daughter's name is like music. To end the toast or prayer with a brief mention of those who are no longer here, even without specific names, would have helped to make us feel much more comfortable. How could they know? I have now met others who have lost children who prefer that no mention of their child ever be made (not many, but a few), so for us to assume that family would intuit our needs was an error that needlessly intensified pain for all involved.

It is not easy, though, for those who are grieving to ask for what is needed. Thus, If you will be spending time this holiday season with someone who has suffered a loss, please make a point to have a conversation ahead of time, asking something like, "If it feels OK to you, we'd like to honor and acknowledge your daughter's (son's, brother's, sister's, dog's, et al) life at our get-together. How does that feel for you?" If the answer is affirmative, talk about what you were thinking of doing (i.e.: lighting a special candle, making a toast, including a few words in the prayer before the meal, etc.) or ask for suggestions.

To consciously make room at your table for those who are grieving (which by extension includes the one they have lost) is a gift that will mean more than you may ever know.

Sending blessings until next time,

Doris

An opportunity for mindfulness

2011-12-09T23:17:34-08:00

Yesterday I found myself feeling sick inside. I had to trace the day's events to arrive at what had triggered my nausea (this was not a physical response, but an emotional one). By the time I'd readied for bed, my limbs felt heavy and I knew I was allowing myself to sink into worry and despair.

The triggers that set me down this path are not important. What mattered to me was how I would deal with my reactions. I lied in bed knowing that sleep would not come if I continued to ruminate. I made a conscious decision to pull myself out of thoughts of future and past. I concentrated on my breath and with each exhalation I released my worries. If my mind wandered, I gently brought it back...a bit of mindfulness practice that allowed me the sleep I so desperately needed.

At dawn, as soon as my eyes opened, my thoughts returned to the worries. Gently, I reminded myself to stay in the present moment. It was the only thing I had to deal with, until the next moment arrived. I kept bringing myself back to my breath and tuned into what I was doing right then. Throughout the day, I found myself in mini-meditations to deal with my mind's insistence that I follow where it led.

Now that it is again time for bed, my review of the day shows one of sweet brilliance. For the most part, I remained present, allowing myself to experience the day: I felt the warm sun on my back. I listened to the crunch of frost-tipped grass under my feet as I let our llamas have the run of the yard. I watched a red-tailed hawk as it eyed a couple of hapless squirrels. I chose to live today, accepting my reality as it is, reminiscent of the words my husband had inscribed on the back of my iPod three years ago, "If you can't change it or get away from it, accept it fully." ¹

I cannot "get away" from yesterday's concerns, and whether or not they can be changed will not be known for a number of months. Accepting them fully is happening merely one moment at a time. It is a relief not to have to do more than that.

Days like today, when I am able to keep my own light shining on the present, makes me grateful for the lessons and illumination Andrea has brought into my life. With that in mind, I invite you to join me in a Woldwide Candle Lighting of remembrance for all children who have died, to be held on Sunday, December 11th, at 7pm. If nothing else, it can provide an opportunity to spend an hour in the practice of mindfulness meditation while being touched by the light from millions of candles around the globe...

Sending blessings of illumination,

Doris

¹_{A modification of a quote by Eckhart Tolle}

Open to the self-discovery

2011-12-02T21:46:11-08:00

A couple of years ago a young woman contacted me to see if I'd be willing to answer some questions for a book project on which she was working. I sent my responses off and heard from her again last week letting me know that the project is entering its final stages. I needed to sign a form giving her permission to use my responses. Before signing, I thought it best that I go back and re-read what I wrote. I was mortified. Some of my responses actually embarrassed me...I've learned a lot in two years.

With her permission I re-wrote my responses. Out of a half dozen, the final two are copied here:

Q: What should I keep in mind about how my loved ones are feeling about my struggles? What kinds of things can I do or say to help them throughout my recovery as well?

A: This is a tough question...because what we feel about your struggle may be predicated on our understanding of why you are struggling. As you know, eating disorders (EDs) are difficult to comprehend. If I am stuck in my erroneous thoughts that this is a choice you've made and/or a vie for attention, then your struggles make even less sense to me and sadly, you may pay a great emotional price for my misunderstanding.

I would like to believe, though, that most of us, as parents, ache deeply when our children struggle or are in pain. We also live continually with the fear that we could lose you to this disease. Sometimes, we have to deny the severity of your illness just to allow us to get through the day. Please understand that for the vast majority of us: no matter how we act or what we say, the thought of living our lives without you hurts at a cellular level. The glimpses of how we would feel without you here can rob us of our sanity and may even throw us into a state of suspended animation. Just as we need to be patient with you and your process of healing, please be patient with us and our attempts at supporting you in your recovery.

Andrea kept assuring me that the ED was not my fault ... I now realize how much of her energy was expended on reassuring me. The sadness is that this is an illness of disconnections: not only do you disconnect from yourself, but the ED often requires that you disconnect from nearly everyone else as well. So the situation is one where what is desperately needed is for all of us to remain connected ... yet that can be the most difficult thing to achieve. I think I would want for Andrea to be honest with me, sharing her truths "without judgment" as Carolyn Costin would say. And that I, too, could speak my truths to her without judgment. With both of us being willing to work at repairing the connection when/if we miss the mark.

Q: What other advice do you have to offer about how to relate to or understand loved ones and their feelings throughout recovery?

Although I mentioned this briefly in an earlier response, I think it is paramount for families to get into counseling together. Finding a therapist with expertise and experience with EDs is preferable (they're more likely to understand the unique triggers and challenges of the illness) but if not, finding someone who comes highly recommended is the next best thing. Not only will we be learning (or being reminded of) valuable relationship-building skills, but we can receive guidance on how to minimize triggers in our home so that it is an environment supportive of healing. Family therapy will definitely allow us to "relate to or understand [our] loved ones and their feelings throughout recovery." As unbelievable as it may seem, this experience has the potential to become a valuable journey of self-discovery for all involved.

...But only if we are open to the self-discovery.

Sending blessings until next time,

Doris