Affair Care

Consolidation

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 16 May 2011 19:08:00 +0000

Consolidation. According to Merriam-Webster, consolidation means “the process of uniting : the quality or state of being united; specifically : the unification of two or more identities by dissolution of existing ones and creation of a single new entity.”

We have consolidated here at Affaircare! For years now we have had a website AND a blog, and this weekend we decided to move forward with consolidating the two identities onto one site. Along with consolidating the two locations, we also thought it would be fun to update them both into a newer look that focuses on our nouthetic, Christian counsel. So welcome to the all new, consolidated AFFAIRCARE website and blog!

On the front page here you’ll see the blog with thoughts about infidelity in current events, current studies or news reports about adultery, and on the occasion personal sharing from our own marriage. Up at the top you’ll see the pages for our website. Please click on the page tabs for our articles, our quizzes, or how to contact us. From this point forward, we will not be posting here any longer but at our new site...so...

* ~ * Welcome to the all new Affaircare! * ~ *

Little Sin. Big Sin.

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 21:55:00 +0000

When you think about "sin" do you tend to think of it in terms of "little sin" and "big sin"? Do you think of it as if God is going to have this cosmic scale, and He's going to put your good stuff on the "good side" and your bad stuff on the "bad side" and whichever side weighs more that's where you'll be heading? Do you envision the scale, and some sins are HUGE WEIGHTS on the bad side...and others are on the bad side but more like a skinny piece of paper? I think people sometimes think of it as though some sins carry more weight and are "bigger" and some sins are pretty light and kind of little. For example a "little white lie" isn't really all THAT bad. After all it's not an outright lie--it's just misleading or omitting part and the rest is actually true or thinking of the other person's feelings and protecting them with a little dishonesty. Oh it's not entirely right, because it's a little bit dishonest, but it's not "wrong." That can't be all THAT bad can it? On the other hand there are some sins that people generally think of as big ones: murdering, raping, adultery--those are all clearly wrong and on the bad side of the scale, those sins would be BIG and really tip the scale!

Did you ever notice that the sins that you do are probably the ones you think of as "smaller," and the ones that other people do are "bigger"? Sure you swear a little--maybe drink on weekends--look at the occasional x-rated pic--even lie a little tiny bit so your spouse's feelings aren't hurt. But all-in-all you still think of yourself as a pretty decent person, and you may look at a person in jail for murder or even at your disloyal spouse and think to yourself, "Oh sure I'm not perfect but I would NEVER (fill in the blank here)." On the other hand the sins of other people are ENORMOUS!! The lady at church who gossips about your personal business--that's a huge, unforgivable sin. The guy at work who cheats on his job, steals from the company and gets caught--that's big sin!

When it comes to infidelity, loyals very often look at their disloyal and think that the sin of adultery is a HUGE sin but barely even think about their own. If they even did something to contribute, it was little and not anywhere near as big as adultery! This week, though, a person I know and consider highly on another forum reminded me that sin is sin is sin. God has set a high and holy standard of righteousness and Romans 3:23 tells us that "...all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." God demands perfection, and not only does he demand outward perfection but also INWARD--in the heart and mind. "In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness." (Matt. 23:28) The person on the other forum had a spouse who was actively committing adultery but who refused to repent, but prior to the spouse's departure, this person had fairly regularly looked at porn. Since the spouse's affair, the person had stopped viewing porn in all forms, but as we all so frequently do, had thought "Well sure I wasn't perfect but looking is not the same as doing! It's small. But actually COMMITTING adultery..well that's a big sin! Huge!"

In Matthew 5: 17-19 Jesus is talking to his disciples and asks them: "Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander." He is telling them that our actions outwardly are a result of/linked to our inner condition--our heart. When our heart looks at things selfishly, with lust, desiring it for ourselves and in an immoral way...that is the condition of our inner self and that is sin. We've all heard the verse that's part of the Sermon on the Mount: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ( Matt. 5:27) Again here, Jesus is telling us that sin is not only what we do OUTSIDE in our actions, but also INSIDE in our inner mind. What we think about is what we talk about and what we eventually DO.

As Christians, we are not to try to stay away from "big sin" or to keep our sin small enough that it is hidden or just inside our thoughts. We were in the sea of sin and we drowned in it and we were DEAD, but Christ rescued us from that death and breathed into us new life. We are not supposed to wash the outside of the cup while the inside remains filthy (Matt 23:25-26). Rather than looking at the sins of others and thinking about how their sin was so big but ours was (relatively) small, let's clean even our insides and our inner selves by renewing our mind. (Romans 12:2) If you are the disloyal spouse, don't be so prideful that you avoid seeing how dishonest, distrustful and hurtful your affair really was to your loyal. Don't minimize it and maximize what they did--look to yourself! Be honest--it was sin, it displeased God and hurt your spouse and almost destroyed your family! If you are the loyal spouse, don't think of how "small" your sin was in your marriage before the affair. There were issues. They harmed you, harmed your marriage, and MOST IMPORTANTLY harmed your relationship with God! Both disloyal and loyal need to keep the focus on obeying God and pleasing Him inside and out...not the the "size" of what you did wrong.

Resurrection

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Today is Easter Sunday so it's a perfect day to consider the idea of resurrection, especially when you are thinking about trying to resurrect your dead marriage to a whole new life. Before the affair, your marriage was ill, but it was at least still alive and the patient was fighting for life. An affair can truly be a marriage-killing event, and even when someone tries to bring back their marriage from the brink, it's not enough to bring back the same old, sick marriage. What HAS TO HAPPEN is that there needs to be a resurrection--an entirely new life.

How does someone do that? Maybe you're a loyal spouse who has made the choice to stand for your family despite the awful things your disloyal spouse says or does. Maybe your a disloyal spouse and you had the affair, but realizing it was wrong you ended it and told your loyal, and now they can't forgive you. HOW does someone bring back a marriage "from the dead" and resurrect a new marriage, with new life and new hope?

Well to be honest, I could tell you some steps. I could share some quizzes that would help you get to know yourself better and your spouse better. I could use the quizzes as a way to open discussions about things like "actions you do that hurt me" or "actions you used to do that made me feel loved." And all of those steps and quizzes *are* helpful in that you will benefit from knowing yourself and your spouse more thoroughly, and you will know how to verbalize what you think or feel. That can't hurt! But there is so much more! What you really need is not "quizzes" or "steps," but really YOU need to change and be remade from the inside out. What you need is transformation by the renewing of your mind--and that begins and ends with Jesus Christ.

Today Christians around the world are celebrating Easter, but unlike all the commercials on TV, Easter is not about the Easter bunny, chocolate, or even delicious ham dinner with the family. Easter is a day of new life and new hope. Why? Well it's fairly simple. Human beings are sinful ["For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," ~Romans 3:23 NIV 2011] and God is not; He is perfect holiness and righteousness. No matter how much we may wish that God would put our "good stuff" on one side and our "bad stuff" on the other and then let us be with Him if our "good" outweighs our "bad"--that's wishful thinking and not the way it is. If there is even ONE thing on the "bad stuff" side, we're guilty--all of us. Now, it's not for me to stand here and judge you, but look into your own heart. Anyway, God gave Moses the Law (the 10 Commandments, etc.) not because He was saying, "Okay if you guys can do *this* why then you're good" but rather as a way of pointing out that we can't do it! We need help! The sacrifices were not a way for us to work our way into being good, but rather so we could see that our sin--our guilt--required blood-life as a stand-in. Life-for-life. And in those old days God promises that one day He would send one that would be THE sacrifice. ["After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities" ~Isaish 53:11]

While we were not worthy, guilty, and a mess, God looked at us and sent us a gift: Jesus Christ. [" But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8] Now Jesus was God and human at the same time, and while He was here on earth He did exactly what God told him to do. He lived perfectly--obeying every law and having exactly the thoughts and actions that God wanted. He was the only one who ever met that "perfection" requirement, and by doing so He had nothing to pay for--WE on the other hand, did have a penalty that we deserved, which was separation from God. It's like we jumped into the sea of sinning and drowned in it, and we were dead. Jesus was alive. Jesus agreed to pay the penalty that we owed...and thus He was THE sacrifice that God had promised! So there we are, drowned and dead, and we can't do anything to help ourselves or anything--we're DEAD. But Jesus took our punishment and He took our death on himself--not only physical "dead body" death, but also spiritual "separation from God" death. He knew it was coming and still allowed our guilt to be placed on Him, even though He was guiltless and alive. ["For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." ~John 3:16-17]

The transforming, renewing, celebration of Easter is that He did die--but three days later He DEFEATED death and HE resurrected--came back to life. When He came back, He not only was living new life but now He is pulling us out from being drowned in sin, and He breathes new life into us! We were DEAD! No hope to do anything but keep sinning and our situation was hopeless. But now, we have hope and a choice to be new--brought back from the dead to new life in Christ. We celebrate today, Easter, because Jesus did all that for us when we didn't deserve it, and today is the day He rose. We remember.

If you really want a new marriage, you can do quizzes and take steps, but what you REALLY need is to breath new life into something DEAD! In real life what you need is Jesus Christ to utterly change you and bring you alive again. With that change, your mind will transformed and you will be NEW.

Now THAT's What I'm Talking 'Bout!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 23:41:00 +0000

I saw an article today on WFAA.com -- a local TV station for the Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas area -- that announced something that I very strongly support: "Cheating debate going to Grapevine church." Now my guess is that the diligent WFAA reporter meant to say "Cheating debate GOING TO OCCUR at Grapevine church" or "The Cheating debate COMES to Grapevine church" (Grapevine is a little town in Texas) but if you read the article you'll see that the gist of the story is exactly what I personally believe The Church--the body of Christ--needs to do. The pastor at Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Pastor Young, has invited Noel Biderman, to come to the church this Thursday and debate him! "Who's Noel Biderman?" you ask? Why he's the guy who runs the website AshleyMadison (and no--I will not link to it) and who has made millions by giving infidelity a platform.

Now don't get me wrong--I know nothing about Fellowship Church, and I don't know their denomination or theology at all. But I personally APPLAUD THEM for having the courage to get down in the trenches and say it out loud: adultery is occurring within The Church. A true Believer in Christ might think: "Oh well that will never happen to us, we're Christians..." and yet it IS! So rather than pretend that infidelity is not happening, and rather than turning a blind eye to the false beliefs that our country has about what Love is, they are facing it--HEAD ON! Let's shine a light on the misinformation; bring the Truth to the light of day, and stop being ostriches with our heads in the ground.

Biderman says (quoting here): "I think Pastor Young’s view of the world is that adultery is wrong ...My view of the world is that it is not that cut and dry. That it’s easy to sit there from a distant and judge someone as being straight or bad or wrong. And the person who was cheated on as a victim. I don’t think it’s that simple." You know what? Adultery IS wrong because God spoke through the Bible to say that it is wrong--thus it is! What happens though is that one spouse acts harshly, ignores their responsibilities, or ignores their spouse and hurts them deeply...and rather than address THAT ISSUE and THAT SIN, the other spouse then makes a deliberate decision to respond with sin of their own, namely looking outside the marriage to have their needs met. If your spouse does something wrong, that is not license for YOU to commit wrong! A spouse absolutely IS responsible for their love-quenching/marriage-harming choices, and if we REALLY want to save marriages, let's teach spouses that the way to address a spouse who is bossy, who acts poorly, or who punishes by withholding sex or giving the cold shoulder IS NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!! Let's shine the light of the truth on all the false assumptions our "society" makes and make it clear and obvious that the myths about adultery DON'T HOLD WATER! Then let us teach couple How To Be Married.

30 Days of Me

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 03:10:00 +0000

I'm starting a new project over on Facebook--30 Days of Me. The idea is to make an album and then post a picture every day to let people get to know you. I feel odd having people know me, and so to step out of my shell I'm giving this a try. Here's the challenge:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn’t have....
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Want to follow along and meet "The Affaircare Lady"? Come on over to my "30 Days of Me" photo album and while you're there on Facebook...click [Like] on the Affaircare page!

Thoughts on the eve of Valentines Day (day 13)

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 05:06:00 +0000

devotion is a choice a lover makes
allegiance to the one ambrosial
valentine throughout the passing years and through mistakes
intimately sharing personal
details of their heart, their mind, their all
honoring their paramour, their sweet
taking time to nurture thus the thrill
aspiring to become the one helpmeet
you turn to at the ending of each day
longing for a touch, a hug, a kiss
or just a glance or kindly word to say
"romeo had nothing close to this!"

Yep--Marriage is GOOD for you!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 04:39:00 +0000

National Marriage Week is coming up quickly--February 7th to the 14th--and all across the world (literally) there are plans and celebrations to encourage many diverse groups to strengthen individual marriages, reduce the divorce rate, and build a stronger marriage culture, which in turn helps curtail poverty and benefits children. So to prepare for the upcoming week and recognize the significance of marriage, I thought it would be fun to talk this week about making a case FOR marriage.

In the news recently, marriage overall has been taking quite a beating. There are scandals every day involving infidelity and bitter spouses divorcing. Steve Harvey's wife claims his infidelity was "like rape to her." There are studies released that supposedly say that up to 40% of Americans say marriage is "obsolete." The media claims that other studies indicate that "Two women cheating with each other is okay!" Church leaders are blaming Facebook for the rise in infidelity and saying their parishioners have to delete their account or leave the church (Thou Shalt Not Use Facebook). Meanwhile the divorce rate is about 50% (which according to one comedienne is one of every two people--that means either you or your spouse--heehee).

Here at Affaircare, though, we are strong advocates for marriage and time and again, studies have proven that there are serious benefits to being in a committed, faithful marriage relationship. So to being thinking about National Marriage Week, here are just a few thoughts on why marriage IS relevant!

More and better sex

"Sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent greater for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age." -- Marriage and Sex, Discovery Health.

In 2006, British researchers reviewed the sexual habits of men in 38 countries and found that in every country, married men have more sex. (See the Men's Health article)

About 40% of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20-25% of single and cohabitating men and women. Over 40% of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30% of single women. For men, it’s 50% of married men are physically and emotionally contents versus 38% of cohabitating men. Waite and Gallagher note that cohabitating couples are less likely to be sexually faithful. Faithful partners do not worry about sexually translated diseases, are more likely to work to improve their sexual relationship, and do not have to worry about sexual jealousy. (Waite and Gallagher, "The Case for Marriage" 2000)

More money

A Virginia Commonwealth University study found that married men earn 22 percent more than their similarly experienced but single colleagues. (See the article in Men's Health magazine.)

Married men are more successful in work as well, getting promoted more often and receiving higher performance appraisals. They also miss work or arrive late less often (Kostiuk, P. & Follmann, D.A. “Learning Curves, Personal Characteristics, and Job Performance,” Journal of Labor Economics 1989; 7(2) 129-146,). As for women, white married women (without children) earn 4% more and black married women earn 10% more than their single peers (Waite, 1995). While some point out that house work for married women (37 hours per week) is greater than that of single women (25 hours), half of that is due to having children (South, S., & Spitze, G. (1994). Housework in marital and nonmarital households. american Sociological Review, 59, 327–347)

Longer Life

Married people live longer as well. Single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men. Single women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than married women (Ross CE, Mirowsky J, Goldsteen K. (1990): The impact of the family on health: the decade in review. J Marriage Fam; 52:1059-78). Having a spouse can decrease your risk for dying from cancer as much as knocking ten years off your life. Single people spend longer in the hospital, and have a greater risk of dying after surgery (GOODWIN JS, HUNT WC, KEY CR AND SAMET J. (1987). The effect of marital status on stage, treatment and survival of cancer patients. J. Am. Med. Assoc., 258, 3125-3130.).

Based on life expectancies, nine of ten married men and women alive at age 48 are alive at 65, while only six of ten single men and eight of ten single women make it to 65. Married men may have better immune systems as well, either from support or from nagging to monitor blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, etc… and may be at less risk to catch colds (SOCIABILITY AND SUSCEPTIBILITY TO THE COMMON COLD)

For both men and women, marriage lengthens the life span. This benefit increases with the duration of the union. Married men live, on average, 10 years longer than nonmarried men, and married women live about four years longer than nonmarried women.(Waite and Gallagher)

A UCLA study found that people in generally excellent health were 88 percent more likely to die over the 8-year study period if they were single. (The Men's Health article is right here.)

A new study finds that people who have never married have the highest risk of death in the United States, contrasting with other studies that have found the highest risk in divorced, separated or widowed populations. There are many reasons married people tend to be healthier, not the least of which is they tend to be wealthier. Published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, the new study finds that, compared with married people, people who are widowed are 40 percent more likely to die, people who are divorced or separated are 27 percent more likely to die, and people who have never married were 58 percent more likely to die. ( The Effects of Marriage on Health)

More happiness

Married men are half as likely to commit suicide as single men, and one third as likely as divorced men. Married people report lower levels of depression and distress, and 40% say they are very happy with their lives, compared to about 25% in single people. Married people were half as likely to say they were unhappy with their lives.(Smith, Mercy, and Conn, 1988 "Marital Status and the Risk of Suicide").

Overall, 40 percent of married people, compared with about a quarter of singles or cohabitors, say they are "very happy" with life in general. Married people are also only about half as likely as singles or cohabitors to say they are unhappy with their lives. This is not just an American phenomenon. One recent study by Steven Stack and J. Ross Eshleman (1998 "Marital Status and Happiness: A Comparative Analysis." Journal of Marriage and the Family. 60 (MAY): 527-536) of 17 developed nations found that "married persons have a significantly higher level of happiness than persons who are not married," even after controlling for gender, age, education, children, church attendance, financial satisfaction, and self-reported health. Further, "the strength of the association between being married and being happy is remarkably consistent across nations."

In a paper called "I just want to get married- I don't care to who! Marriage, Life Satisfaction and Educational Differences in Australian Couples" doctoral candidate Shane Worner of Australian National University reports that married people are happier than unmarried people, and men who marry educated women are happier than men who marry uneducated women.

The kids are NOT okay when parents divorce!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 02:57:00 +0000

I read an interesting article on Huffington Post the other day: "Kids of Divorce and Suicide: New Study Shows Link". This article was about the recently-released study by Esme Fuller-Thomas, a professor at the University of Toronto. The study--"Suicidal Ideation Among Individuals Whose Parents Have Divorced"--was published in the January 19th Psychiatry Research. Using a community of more that 6600 people, Professor Fuller-Thomas found that boys whose parents had divorced were three times as likely to have seriously considered suicide. Even when factors such as parental abuse or addiction were taken into consideration, boys were still more than twice as likely to have suicidal thoughts! These findings verify what we have known here at Affaircare for a while: kids are NOT okay with divorce, and it would seem that boys take it even harder than girls. Clearly there are serious, adverse mental health effects on the children when parents decide to divorce, and what's even more shocking is that this study is not the first to show us that "The kids are resilient--they'll be okay" is just a fairy tale!

Far too often, when one parent is having an affair, they will re-write marital history in an attempt to justify doing what they know is wrong. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" "We're just friends" "It just happened" and "I've been miserable for years!" are all part of a very common script that Disloyal Spouses follow. In an attempt to justify their behavior, a cheating spouse builds a fantasy that includes such fairy tales as: "Affairs are love stories," "My Loyal Spouse will just move out and the Other Person can move right in," "I'll get to keep the house and get child support," and "My kids and family will be glad I found happiness and love the Other Person." But the most outrageous fairy tale of them all has been broadcast on the news, on TV, in magazines, in movies--and that is that the kids are resilient and they will be okay. How many unfaithful spouses have devastated their spouse and absolutely DESTROYED their children with the flimsy excuse, "They'll be okay"? This is just purely false, and I personally believe we need to educate people about the truth!

The TRUTH is found in this study: the kids are NOT okay when their parents divorce, and over the harm is not temporary--they are harmed and the harm done is long-term and extensive. Children whose parents divorce consider suicide, and for boys they are three times as likely to think of killing themselves than counterparts in two-parent families. Would you like to hear some additional studies about the TRUTH of what divorce does to the children? Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993). A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure." (Wallerstein “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991). Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, "Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988) That means that the DEATH of a parent is LESS devastating to a child than a DIVORCE. (Even I wouldn’t believe this if I didn’t see the statistic myself.) A Child in a female-headed home is ten times more likely to be beaten or murdered. (The Legal Beagle, July 1984, from “The Garbage Generation” Ch. VI The Custody Trap, page 64, the whole paragraph)! Whether you use children's grades, standardized test scores, or dropout rates, children whose parents divorce generally perform poorly in school and these results have been found quite consistently throughout a variety of research studies over the past three decades!

So let's recap. If you're having an affair, and you're thinking about divorcing your children's other parent so you can legitimize your adulterous relationship, you need to know that:

Your children will be three times as likely to think about killing themselves--it hurts them THAT much! Is that how you want your child to feel so you can feel "happy"?
Your children will be three times more likely to need psychological help than their friends in school who's mom and dad stayed together.
For more than SIX YEARS after the divorce your children will feel "lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure"--is your happiness worth making them feel like that for SIX YEARS?
Your children will have lower academic scores and a higher likelihood of dropping out of school altogether.
Your children will have a higher likelihood of having psychological problems and issues requiring counseling, possibly even mental illnesses, even than children whose parents have DIED!!! To rephrase that, the death of a parent is less traumatic than a divorce.
Your children will be ten times more likely to be beaten or murdered. Yes, you read that right. That would be enough to stop me dead in my tracks right there.

So make no mistake. An affair is not a "love story." It is not "loving" for the Other Person to treat a married person as if they are available. Even if there were troubles in the marriage, a true friend would steer you back to your spouse and help you figure out how to communicate with your husband or wife. It is not "loving" for a Disloyal Spouse to put their own happiness ahead of their commitment to their spouse, their obligation to their marriage, or their responsibility to their children. And it most definitely is not "loving" to do this kind of long-term damage to children who are depending on your for protection and love. So do the loving thing. Yes, it will hurt and yes it will be hard, but do the right thing and love your children enough to work it out with their parent and work hard to make your marriage a place where you can be happy. Don't fool yourself--your children will not be "okay."

Happiest Moments of 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 08:14:00 +0000

There have been several things this year that just made us giggly with happiness, so let's take a moment and review those moments. After all, one way to be happier is to remember those happy moments! So without further adieu, here are the happiest moments of 2010:

Celebrating family birthdays together. With nine of us in the family, we have one almost every month, PLUS there are spouses, fiances, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings...let's just say we use almost any excuse to get together as a family, eat, and open presents.
The "Hunt for Happiness" series I wrote for Portland Infidelity Examiner--specifically the article: "Does a love affair and divorce lead to more happiness?" What can I say? It was good!
Joining the Talk About Marriage forum. We've officially been there for a year now, and you know what? We LOVE posting over there. Yeah...very happy moment.
Celebrating Marriage Week in February here on the blog and privately with my Dear Hubby. Hey, I'm actually in love with Dear Hubby and I intend to keep it that way!
Celebrating our anniversary--that's always very special to me.
Receiving the Sunshine Award from TheMarryBlogger. I realize it's silly and not THAT big of a deal, but I was pretty happy! Plus I admire Stu and the work he does on his blog, so it was special getting a nomination from him.
Getting a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for my birthday. Only it wasn't just any old chocolate birthday cake. Oh no! Dear Hubby made it by scratch and it was about four layers of every imaginable kind of chocolate! YUM.
Joining ProConnect at YourTango. We had the amazing blessing of being one of the founding members of ProConnect and meeting one dynamo of a woman, Melanie Gorman. What a gift that was, and we are so happy to be associated with such a professional organization.
Our oldest daughter graduated from college. Don't get me wrong, not every one of our children is the "go to college" type, but when she graduated I was very happy and very proud of her accomplishment. GOOD JOB, HONEY!
The annual summertime family vacation, this year to go see Styx and then Weird Al in concert. We trek across the state, stay in a nice hotel, go out to eat, see scenery...and oh yeah, it changed our youngest daughter's life.
Happiness Happens Week and the celebrations here on the blog and at YourTango. I got more comments, talk, buzz, and media chit chat about "Happiness Happens: 20 Tips to Increase Your Happiness" than any other article all year!
Our first interview on the air! Oh we had the indescribable privilege of meeting Courtnee Scott, the Haidmaiden behind Headaches of a Holy Handmaiden (HHH). She asked us to come talk on the Handmaiden Live BlogTalk Radio, and we had so much fun she asked us back again the next week. Yes, Courtnee makes us happy and through her we have met many, many brothers and sisters in Christ.
In October we had the joy of releasing our first book. I say "first" because now that we've written one we have several more in the works: one written specifically to disloyal spouses, another that is the "seven steps" for Christians, another that teaches about marital fidelity, and probably for fun, a systematic theology for beginners.
Spending GREAT family time for the holidays, seeing almost all of the kids and their significant others, spending time with the relatives, eating food together and singing, decorating the tree, laughing at the "bird's nest" at the top of our tree, watching "The Santa Clause" and "Polar Express" while holding hands, singing Handel's Messiah together, and discovering the movie "The Nativity Story."
The final happy moment of 2010 was celebrating the Affaircare blog's one year birthday.

Is Our Marriage Perfect?

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 19:32:00 +0000

When a person, or in our instance a couple, works with others to build better, stronger marriages or recover after an affair, at some point someone says, "Oh yeah!? Well is YOUR marriage perfect?" I hope you don't mind but I'd like to address that question because I think it's very pertinent. I would like to state right here and now that Dear Hubby and I do not have a perfect marriage. We are just like everyone else: we sin, we occasionally disagree, and now and then we even fight. In our pasts, neither one of us was perfect--in fact far from it! We didn't grow up in perfect middle-income America with manicured lawns in suburbia. We both had families that went to church and learned some from that as children, but neither family was perfect either. And when we grew up, both of us chose to do what we knew was wrong and ended up marrying people who were not a wise choice for a Christian believer. We both chose people who were non-believers, and we both tried to stick with our marriages but paid the price for it. We both did ungodly things like drinking, smoking, partying and general rabble-rousing. We both made bad decisions or selfish decisions--and at times we still do to this day!

Why is this important now? Well some people think that in order to help others or minister that it has to be someone who has been married 40 years, never disagreed, and never, ever sinned personally. Some people think that if you try to help others that you're saying "Hello! I have all the answers!" but I personally disagree with that. I believe that every single one of us is a sinner--even those folks who grew up in manicured suburbia who had perfect families who went to church and they grew up and married a believer and had 2.5 perfect kids. I believe that every one of us falls short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23) and yet we are called on to use our gifts to edify each other--even while we are imperfect! (I Cor. 12)

So no, we don't have a perfect marriage. We sometimes get lax with each other too, or avoid a topic that's painful. We think of ourselves and not of each other. We feel like we do all the work and our spouse just rides on our coat-tails (and the funniest part...we both feel that way at the same time!). We disagree--which is fine--but sometimes we get snarky about it. But I think the difference is that when we do make a mistake like that in our imperfect marriage, we have learned how to fix it. We have also learned some good habits over time and learned some generally helpful things about our personalities, love languages, what builds love and what tears it down...and those are the things we want to share with you.

Happy Birthday Affaircare Blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 05:44:00 +0000

One year ago, I began in earnest to write regularly on the Affaircare blog. I began the year with a bang, writing eleven posts all about Christmas, rekindling love, Her Christmas List and much more. And here we are, one year later, still blogging along and once again right in the middle of the Christmas season. Isn't this just the perfect time of year to celebrate a rebirth?

Affaircare was actually born in June of 2007--that was when I first went onto blogspot and reserved the name and picked out the blog's design and whatnot. At that time I was several years past my divorce, I had moved to Oregon, and Dear Hubby and I were married. I had just ended my job as the Administrator for a large political party and was just beginning my work-at-home career, and while I was working-at-home I had a crazy idea to start a website and a blog to help people survive the trauma of infidelity. I came up with the name "Affaircare" because we give people care after an affair! Seriously! Isn't that funny? Still when I first began working-at-home I was very focused on the job and did not yet quite envision Affaircare as a ministry, so I put it aside for a couple years as I grew my home business and did some additional training.

I'm not sure what "possessed" me in December last year to really begin a more dedicated approach to Affaircare, but I had an inner passion for the topic and for helping couples--especially when I know what it's like "in the trenches"! At first you lose your mind--then everything you thought was dependable is destroyed--and it seems so hard and hopeless! Well, I knew a way through...and a way that often leads to reconciliation and if not, a way that leads to recovery for the individual. A way that leads to a stronger, happier, more intimate marriage. See? I had to share that!

So one year ago we began to post regularly, and as I posted Dear Hubby joined in more and more...we had guest posts...and here we are today!

Want to help us celebrate? We're going to review some of our FAVORITE posts from throughout the past year, and share some of our hopes and goals for the future. How about you? What were some of your Favorites? Where would you like to see on the Affaircare blog? Do you have a question you'd like us to write about? Want to just say "Happy Birthday"? Here's the place!

Prince of Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 06:29:00 +0000

Isaiah 9:6 (NIV)

"For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given,
   and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

It's the second week of Advent, which is the week of Peace, so I wanted to take a moment to write about peace.

So often we have this vision of peace that is laid-back, pacifist, compromising, and non-confrontational. We envision a doormat who's peacefulness is taken advantage of and who is a "Casper Milquetoast" kind of guy. Or sometimes we might think of someone who's a hippie and into "Peace and love,man! Love everybody!"
In the Old Testament the word used for peace is "shalom"and according to Strong's Lexicon that word was translated: "peace, well, peaceably, welfare, salute, prosperity, did, safe, health, peaceable" and "pay, peace, recompense, reward, render, restore, repay, perform, good, end, requite, restitution, finished, again, amends, full." In New Testament Greek the word for "peace" is "eirene"  which means "have peace, be at peace, one, rest, quietness."

The concept of "peace" is actually tied to the fourth commandment: "Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy." Is that really a commandment to go to church on Sundays or telling Jews to go to shul on Saturdays? Not really--although I'm pretty sure our pastors or rabbis might want it to be! The concept of that commandment is to never, ever forget the "Sabbath rest" we are able to enjoy due to God's work. When God created the universe, He was not "tired"--He rested as symbol of the Sabbath rest to come--the saving work of His Son--and *THAT* is what He wanted us to remember. God's work was that while we were sinners, and undeserving of ANY peace or rest--Christ died for us. While we were in a pit of doing what we knew was wrong and not doing what we knew was right, and digging ourselves deeper every day, God became flesh (that's what this Advent anticipation and Christmas is all about) and lived among us. He lived the perfect life and did not deserve death--we were NOT perfect and were dead already! But Christ took our punishment, bore our blame, and died on our behalf. He lifted us up out of the hole and now we are at rest! The fourth commandment is to "Remember the Sabbath rest to keep it holy" -- and when we believe Christ died and rose again for us--then WE are at peace. The kind of peace Isaiah was talking about when he wrote those prophetic words.

Do you have troubles in your marriage? Are you facing infidelity? First come to the peace of Sabbath rest--believe Christ died and rose again for you, in your place. Once you are at peace with God, He's already lifted you out of the pit you were digging, so you are at peace with HIM! Then you can give God your marriage, dwell in peace with your spouse, (aka harmony, calmness, contentment, and tranquility) and let God change you.

There was a flood...a fire...IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 02:33:00 +0000

The news in the infidelity field today is all abuzz over two topics. One topic is the ongoing debate over whether or not Facebook causes infidelity. The latest volley is embodied in the article in the New York Magazine "Divorce Lawyers Can Thank Mark Zuckerberg for His ‘Portal to Infidelity’ " in which the author quotes Rev. Cedric Miller, the pastor from NJ who told his church leaders to delete Facebook or resign who gave Facebook the 'Portal' name. The other topic is the newly released study that infidelity is caused by genetics. An example of that topic is the article on MSNBC "Honey, it's not my fault! It's the one-night stand gene" which reveals the findings of a study released this week on PloS ONE . So while unfaithfulness is rampant and marriages crumble, destroying families and impacting lives--the best our churches and scientists can come up with is: "It's NOT your fault!"

Our generation desperately needs to be taught the concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. When we are children, we decide to do what we know is wrong and to some degree our parents share the responsibility with us for teaching us morals and values. It is partially their job to stop us from doing something harmful and teach us to do the right thing even if it is difficult. But once we reach the age of accountability--probably somewhere near puberty--personal responsibility transfers from the parent until it is more and more fully on the child. As an adult they become fully personally responsible--namely they are responsible for the choices they make. When they choose to act one way or the other, as adults they experience the consequences of their choice, whether they are good or bad.

But somewhere along the line, rather than facing our bad choices, admitting them, and learning from them, our society decided to find disorders, addictions, genetics--ANYTHING--on which we could blame our bad choices! "Oh he can't control his anger--he has a defiance disorder" "Oh she's a drug addict so don't take what she says personally" "You can't expect me to be faithful to my spouse for a lifetime--it's in our genes to commit adultery!" It might be somewhat understandable for a young adult to attempt to shirk the accountability if their maturity level is not that high, but when our scientists assist in the blame shifting, it's a sad commentary! But the deepest sorrow is to see our churches--those who are supposed to be teaching the NEXT generation to follow God and live a godly life--joining in!

It is not Facebook that "makes you cheat." It is not a portal to infidelity. Facebook is like any other tool that God has created or man has discovered: it can be used for good or it can but used for evil. Don't blame a pencil when you misspell a word--and don't blame Facebook when you use it for sexual impurity. In both instances, it's the operator, and in both instances the way to fix the problem is not to ban pencils or delete Facebook; the key is genuine repentance for sinning against God and then genuine change! Likewise for the genetics. Even worldly moral codes call on us to "do better" and rise above our human temptations, and this is a perfect example if we are genetically made to be tempted to stray, then this is precisely why marriage should not be entered into lightly! Because you are promising another human being that you will FORSAKE ALL OTHERS! That you will be faithful to them in all the circumstances of life, and here's a newflash: life can get pretty tough! We are supposed to rise above our "animal-instinct" and behave as though we control our urges--not our urges controlling us. But as Christian Believers, we have an even larger calling--we are called to live a life that honors God! He has told us it will not be easy. He has told us everyone will be tempted and that He will give us a way out of it. He already TOLD us that...and He has also already said that He expects us to be examples to the world and to live in a sexually pure way! Our pastors need to return to guiding their parishioners to repenting for their sins!

So just stop it. It's not Facebook's fault. It's not your genetics. You broke your promise and made the choice to be unfaithful and sexually impure, so take personal responsibility and experience the consequences.

Post your questions here!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 21:40:00 +0000

We have a new service here at Affaircare--think of it as a benefit we offer freely for any of our loyal readers/friends/clients! Post your questions here or on our Affaircare Facebook page or email us at either david@affaircare.com or coachcj@affaircare.com and if you give us your email address, we'll send you a personal answer on Fridays!

So if you have any of these questions...let us know!

"How do we survive an affair?"
"How do I end the affair I'm in?"
"What can I do to end my spouse's affair?"
"How do you get over an emotional affair?"
"What are some signs of an affair?"
"He/She does this or that? Could that be an affair?"
"How do I forgive him/her after having an affair?"
"Can pastors have affairs?"
"What is an emotional affair? Is THIS an emotional affair?"
"Why do women/men cheat?"

So leave a comment with your email address and your question--and on Fridays we'll email you with your personal response.

A warrior for godly marriages

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 07:33:00 +0000

It is an exhausting position to be on the front lines of the battle for marriages, especially as a pro-marriage coach this day-and-age. Unfortunately we live in an era that has not taught people how to be married or how to honor their promises. Doing what "makes you feel good" is considered noble, and the pursuit of happiness is put ahead of doing the right thing. To me, it sometimes feels as if we are swimming upstream, trying to teach couples one thing while Hollywood, the news, and the media are telling them that infidelity is in our DNA or that marriage is becoming obsolete!

Being a marriage coach is not a popular career. There are lots of people out there committing adultery, having emotional affairs, or being financially unfaithful...and our job as coaches is to identify where they are today (no matter how ugly the truth may be), help them identify where they want to be, develop steps to get to where they want to be, and then hold them accountable for actually doing the work! People feel good when they are unfaithful so they don't want it pointed out to them that it's wrong and they should stop. Other people don't like the idea that we're not licensed by the state (like a PhD or a LCSW), but as life coaches and nouthetic counselors, our credentiasl are in biblical marriage and reconciliation! What we suggest usually is personal responsibility and some people would rather "blame someone else" than to have to look at themselves. Doing the work to repair the damage is hard work, and most people would rather have the easy way out or have a microwave mentality. The list goes on and on! Everywhere we turn there is some resistance, some stumbling block, some temptation in our path to take us off course and off the focus of helping people reconcile their marriages.

When I first began helping people back in 1999-2000 when my ex-husband left me and I was just learning myself, I knew then that it was absolutely my lifelong passion to work in this field. I have been learning all I can ever since then, and knowing my personality type, I knew that it would be hard to hear of broken marriages and not "bring it home with me"--I actually care! I am so grateful that my Dear Hubby joins me in this passion, and together we have gone through training and studied together. We knew that there would be professional disagreement in methodology or differences of opinion--especially since the biblical view is being more and more watered down even in our churches! But we did not know there would be daily skirmishes trying to get us off the straight and narrow track of showing people what the Bible says about marriage, encouraging them to obey God and do what He wants them to do, and teaching people "marriage basics" like husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands.

For that battle--the battle to keep our focus and keep coming back to helping the couples and speaking the Word of God plainly--we covet your prayers. We need to keep reminding ourselves of the whole armor of God (Eph. 6) which will protect us from this onslaught--and we need to keep sharp "...the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." (Eph. 6:17b) And with the psalmist we pray: "Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face."(Psalms:5:8)

The pastor who said quit FB or resign was involved in affairs himself. Should our past stop us from ministering?

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 00:58:00 +0000

The pastor who told his church leaders to either quit Facebook or resign their leadership posts has created a buzz again when it was discovered that the good reverend had an affair himself--with his wife and a male church assistant! As I understand it, the threesome was ten years ago, so it predated Facebook, and even though they participated together, it would be considered sexual impurity. Then in 2003 there was a criminal case against the male church assistant, and that is when the facts of unfaithfulness came to light.

In my article as Portland Infidelity Examiner, The Pastor, Facebook, and Threesomes, I did examine two relevant topics that have been intertwined: Is Facebook really the CAUSE of infidelity? Should the pastor's past unfaithfulness make any difference today? In summary, my conclusions are no and no! No--Facebook does not cause infidelity and we would serve married couples MUCH more effectively by teaching them how to be faithful, how to honor their commitment, and how to affair-proof their marriages by restarting Love Kindlers and ending Love Extinguishers! Facebook is not the CAUSE of infidelity--infidelity is a symptom of a much greater illness in the marriage. And No--what he did in the past and repented of has been forgiven if he confessed his sin. If it's forgiven, it is gone and irrelevant to the topic at hand.

BUT that the concept of forgiveness brings up a really tender topic for me that I'd like to address right out loud. One of my good friends, The Holy Handmaiden, recently wrote a post about being Inadequate, and the two of us have been going back and forth a bit about how we both feel less that suitable to do what we've been called to do! Like Moses, we sort of tell God, "But...but...but I stutter! You can't want ME to go talk to pharaoh!" Of course our heads realize He is the Almighty God and He's arranged our lives precisely so we are the vessel He can use, but when it comes time to actually do it...well it can be intimidating. Especially in my line of work, so many times people say to me, in a somewhat 'holier-than-thou' tone: "How can YOU teach people about infidelity and marriage. You were divorced! You haven't had a marriage that lasted for decades" and you know what? They're right!

Here's the truth. I'm no more perfect than any of you. In fact, I can say that I've had times in my life when I messed up BADLY! One of the reasons my ex and I did divorce is that I married a man who was not a Christian--mainly because he was cute and because I liked him and didn't want God to tell me what to do! And the price I paid for that outright disobedience was a divorce and losing my family. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you can all identify with looking back on your life when you were 'young and dumb' and realizing "Oh yeah--that was wrong." Ideally God wants us to grow up in godly households where our parents stay married, where we learn to obey God, where we marry other Christians, and live our entire lives to His glory. But in the USA in 2010, pretty few of us come from homes that aren't broken; we weren't 'young and dumb'; we have happy, stable, committed, loving marriages; and we have served God our whole lives. (Just a note--even MOSES didn't meet that criteria, and I'm telling ya, God used that man!)

So I have not lived a life that pleased God. I've also paid the consequences for my choices. And you know why I am still absolutely 100% convinced that this is what God calls me to do? Because as Christians, part of our central doctrines is Forgiveness. Our faith recognizes that "...all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23) and that would include Pastor Miller's past...and mine. Our faith also recognizes that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9) We ALL sin! So if we sincerely repent, ask God for forgiveness, and demonstrate a change toward godly behavior...then guess what? It's in the past, forgiven, and irrelevant to the matter at hand! Yes, I suspect a person who has been happily married for decades, who understands the concepts of Love Kindlers and Love Extinguishers, and who teaches what covenant really is by their life may have a better life witness of those concepts. After all--they've lived them! But lots of people who persevere in their marriage, do so without husbands loving their wives, wives respecting their husbands, or using their marriage as a mirror of the kind of relationship the Church has with Christ too. Living together for decades without divorcing is also no guarantee either, I've discovered. Sadly, many of the people we talk to have been married 20 or 30 years or more, and if they neglect their marriage, it can still end up in divorce!

Noah got drunk and laid naked in front of everyone. Jacob got his daughter-in-law pregnant because he thought she was a hooker. Moses, murdered a man for hitting a Hebrew. Ruth spent the night with a man who wasn't her husband at the place that was known for sexual immorality. King David killed a man so he could commit adultery with his wife. Even the apostle Paul murdered Christians before he became a Christian. And God USED THEM because His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 2 Cor. 12:9 says "But he said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me ." I join with the Apostle Paul in stating right out loud that I'm inadequate so that Christ's power can rest on me.. Thankfully I serve the Lord God Almighty and He is more than adequate!

The Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 21:41:00 +0000

Last Sunday, Reverend Cedric Miller, senior pastor of the Living Word Christian Fellowship Church in Neptune, N.J., told the leaders in his church that anyone in a leadership position and who is married and is on Facebook has to resign their church position if they do not give up Facebook. Apparently a larger and larger portion of the counseling in the church over the past 18 months has dealt with marital problems, including infidelity, stemming from Facebook. According to The Guardian, in the past six months, 40 of the 1,100 members of the Living Word Christian Fellowship Church has such problems, so Reverend Miller has had enough.

On YourTango, I wrote an article about this case : Does Facebook Cause Infidelity? It's been picked up by the AP and is even on MSNBC--so it's national news now--but one of the things this case really pointed out to me was not one that this pastor was missing the mark and blaming the tool, but just how far the Christian Church in the USA is willing to go in order to place blame and pretend that "Infidelity doesn't happen to us--we're Christians. If he/she had an affair it must be fault nor ours." Just as we, as mature adults, need to be personally responsible for the choices we make--and for gaining the benefits as well as experiencing the consequences of our choices--so the Church (that is to say, the body of Christian believers) also needs to demonstrate maturity by accepting personal responsibility for NOT teaching couples how to affair-proof their marriages and what to do if your spouse *does* succumb to that temptation. When divorce became "popular" in the 1970's the Church had a chance to stand for godly values and say "NO! God says that adultery is wrong and He does not tell you to end your current marriage so you can be with your lover and 'minister together. If you're thinking that, it is a lie." In the following decades the Church had the chance to stand up and say "NO! We will not pretend that we are immune to temptation, and when couples do try to divorce so they can continue an affair, we will apply church discipline." But the church (lowercase c) has become a social gathering place rather than offering right worship to God, and in an effort to get more "members" into the pews, slowly but surely we've allowed feminism, quickie divorces and worldly thinking about marriage to be spoken from the pulpits! We had the chance to stand and obey, and instead we chose to worship "more members" and now we are facing the consequences of that choice.

Church--WAKE UP! The truth is that divorce rates among conservative Christians were significantly higher than for other faith groups, and much higher than Atheists or Agnostics experience. The truth is that Christianity is wearing blinders to the adultery being conducted often literally inside the church building. Almost universally those who have a spouse commit adultery--who want to save their marriage and don't want a divorce--turn to their church for support, encouragement and help, and are told that the Church "won't interfere." Then to add insult to injury, once it's know that your spouse is having an affair, often the loyal spouse continues to attend church in an effort to get some biblical support, and they become a pariah. Time and again, I've heard horror stories of churches keeping the two adulterers because the two of them run the music ministry...or the loyal 'stay at home' is excommunicated and the cheating spouse is not because they are the doctor and they contribute more...or even worse, it's not even addressed AT ALL! There is a Single Adults ministry but nowhere for the husband to turn when he discovers his wife's affair...and he desperately wants to learn how to save his marriage and rebuild a new, godly, loving marriage! Marriage Basics are not taught. Marriage Crisis is not taught. MARRIAGE IS NOT TAUGHT.

The time has come to stop pointing fingers at Facebook, cell phones, and lined paper and admit that WE are the sinners. We are the ones who need to come before God, repent with a godly sorrow, change so that we live to please Him... It's not Facebook's fault.

The Truth about Sex and Infidelity

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 02:46:00 +0000

I've been studying lately about the properly place of sex in a healthy marriage and the more I study, the more I realize that our culture has SO many myths about sex that are just plain untrue, and nowhere is this more obvious than in the field of infidelilty! There is tons of ... well BALONEY... portrayed in the movies, on TV, in our advertising and even in our legal system that is just not true! So today I wanted to write about "What is the truth about sex and infidelity?"

The first myth I want to tackle is the place of sex. These days almost everyone, Christian and non-christian alike, views sex as a physical experience only. Yes, it can release tension. Yes it is a physical response our bodies have to certain stimulation. Yes, it is involves our senses and extreme pleasure. But Christian men are being bombarded from the youngest ages with images of "the Barbi doll" woman and told that they should control their lusts, and Christian woman are being taught that sex is siinful and nasty, and that if they were really "good Christians" they would tolerate it for the sake of having children. It's sad to say that I have personally witnessed young ladies being taught to use their femininity and sexuality to catch a young man, and once they are married, to use it to control him and make him jump through hoops! Meanwhile she lets herself go and says, "How shallow is he to want to be attracted to me! If he were a good Christian, he would love me for who I am!"

Sex was instituted by God. He created Adam and Eve, and He said, "This is GOOD!" so He specifically gave us this gift to enjoy. But like many of His gifts, He told us that there is a proper time and place for sex, and that is within the confines of a committed, covenant marriage between a husband and a wife. Any other use of the gift taints it and introduces an element of sin into the gift. For example, God created grapes and they are good. Grapes can be made into wine and even that is good. He has told us when to drink wine (Ecclesiastes 10:19 says "A feast is made for laughter,wine makes life merry...") and when not to (there are several examples of even a patriarch getting so drunk that he acted immorally). So it's not the grapes or the wine that's the sin--it's using the gift outside of proper usage and to excess. That's also how we come up with a lot of the sexual wrongdoing today--using a gift God created for marriage outside of it's proper usage (by HIS definition) and/or to excess.

So myth #1--Godly Sex is not sinful. God has given us the gift of sexual pleasure to enjoy within the boundary of a committed, covenant marriage between a man and a woman.

From that one myth, let's cover two or three that are related:

Myth #2--Godly Sex is not between several partners. Your sexuality is reserved for the ONE spouse you will be marrying. All other variants--bigamy, polygamy or polyamory, infidelity/adultery, swinging or open marriages, lusting after others, being controlled by lust, viewing pornography for lust--are outside of the gift God gave us to enjoy, and that's why it gets so messed up!

Myth #3--Godly Sex is not outside of marriage. Your sexuality is reserved for the ONE person with whom you will be entering into a lifelong covenant. The covenant is between you and your spouse and God is the third party to the covenant. And when two people are in a relationship that is THAT committed, then they have the gift of knowing each other intimately in every way: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Knowing and being known--physically--is pleasurable to our senses, but that is reserved for marriage. If you can not control yourself before marriage--what security does your spouse have that you'll now miraculously be able to control yourself after marriage?

Myth #3--Godly Sex is not between two men or two women. I am not saying this to debate the whole concept of homosexuality or gay marriage or any of that. I personally wish that they'd take heterosexual marriage away from government and the IRS too! But that's just me. Anyway I look at it like this: "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" ~Romans 3:23. Godly Sex is reserved for the ONE person with whom you will be entering into a lifelong covenant marriage, and a godly covenant marriage is between a man and a woman. Now before we became believing Christians, maybe we were alcoholics, or doing drugs, or greedy, or vain, or had no idea how to manager our anger. Maybe we lived a life of lust, or we were jealous, or lazy. When we become believers I John 1:9 tells us "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." But that doesn't change the fact that God made sexuality with limits: it's within the confines of a committed, covenant marriage between a husband and a wife.

Now let's address some specific myths about infidelity.

HUGE INFIDELITY MYTH #1--Adultery is NOT a Love Story!

I could go on and on about this myth, but let's first look at just a few of the lies we've been told by Hollywood. In movies like "Bridges of Madison County" or "The English Patient" -- or TV shows like "Sex in the City" and "Desperate Housewives" unfaithfulness is depicted as glamorous, exciting, passionate and fulfilling. From these kinds of shows, many of the myths about infidelity are perpetuated. Let's go over a few!

Infidelity Myth #2--Adultery is about hot, passionate sex (or not getting enough sex). Infidelity experts across the spectrum (myself included) all agree that this is not the case. Experts Agree: Cheating is not About Sex. What happens is that both spouses stop doing the things that make the flame of love blaze, and simultaneously they start doing things that douse the flame (or extinguish it). When this happens, they are vulnerable and along comes someone who's looking... Because we have it so ingrained that Love=Sex, most affair partners do gradually go from having feelings for each other to having sex, but it is EXTREMELY rare for a man or woman to sit down and say "You know, I just am not getting the kind of sex I like. I think I'll cheat." It's usually the culmination of several things--yelling, blaming, disrespect and finally rejection--and then finding someone else who doesn't yell, blame, or reject and who treats them with respect.

Myth #3--Being unfaithful makes you happy. Have you ever had a friend either involved in an affair or a friend whose spouse was having an affair? The loyal spouse cries, hurts, is miserable and the very person who is supposed to love them is the one doing the hurting! The children are abandoned, angry, and act out! The disloyal spouse cries, is confused, often loses their job because they can't concentrate at work, and ends up living with another person in a small apartment barely above the poverty level. Does that sound like "happiness" to you? That's because happiness does not come from some other person (like your spouse or the Other Person) making you happy; happiness is a choice YOU make and it comes from the Lord! Deuteronomy 5:33 says “Walk in obedience to all that the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess" and John 13:17 says “Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

Myth #4--The affair partners are "in love." Nope. An easy read of I Corinthians 13 tells us many of the attributes of Godly love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Now think of the two people committing adultery. Are they patient? Or do they want to RUSH a divorce so their relationship looks more legitimate? Are they kind? Or are they tearing up *two* families--tearing about two sets of grandparents from their grandkids--hurting others and not caring? Are they content with what they have or do they envy "other couples who look so happy" and say stuff like "Don't I deserve to be happy too"? Do they build up others (like their spouse) or do they boast about *this* or *that* showing off how they are "meant to be"? Are they humble and able to admit they made a mistake, or are they too proud to admit it even when it's staring them in the face and it's obvious to everyone? Do they honor those to whom it is due (their spouse, their pastor, their parents), or do they tear people down and rebel against everyone? Are they seeking what's best for their spouse or even for their affair partner, or are they selfishly seeking what's best for THEM and what THEY WANT...despite who it hurts? I think we could go on with this but I bet you get the picture!

New Title Vows to Make Marriage an Essential Part of Readers' Lives (prweb.com)

Why Marriage Can't Be Anything Other than What It Is (deaconforlife.blogspot.com)

10 Christian Intimacy Tips (mademan.com)

An Example of a Consequences/No Contact Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 00:07:00 +0000

You know how people often ask me, "Can you show me an example of a Consequence/No Contact letter...or a post with a sample Consequence/No Contact letter?" Well...here ya go!

To go into an effect Consequences/No Contact stage, you need to:
1) Do a good Carrot & Stick step first!--for between 3-6 months usually.
2) Find your intermediaries (in this letter, the friends Jane and Paul). I sometimes recommend The Parenting Notebook as an option but intermediaries are much better!
3) Determine in your heart how long you will stay in Consequences/No Contact stage--usually something like 6 months or 1 year. I know many Loyal Spouses who work on Carrot & Stick until 6 month's after D-Day and then live in peace in No Contact until the 1 year anniversary...then file.
4) Give a copy of this letter to your Disloyal Spouse.
5) Give a copy of this letter to the Other Person with at note at the bottom saying: "I love with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him/her happy. I will wait for him/her to give me that chance."

Coming Out of an Affair--Personal Talk to Disloyals

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 22:09:00 +0000

When a Disloyal Spouse (DS) comes to the Affaircare website usually part of their head knows that the affair was wrong and that returning to their spouse and the marriage would be the right thing to do, but they feel so confused and conflicted, paralyzed with indecision. How can they never, EVER speak to the person who made the effort to show interest and made them feel AMAZINGLY LOVED and return to the person who ignored them, clammed up, wouldn't make the effort, wasn't interested, and made them feel worthless? Who would want to do that just because it's "the right thing to do"? Surely they deserve some happiness and love in their life too...right?

One of the first things we do is tell DS's to look at our article "How Do Affairs Start" and start getting honest with themselves. Take a look at the article and see if some part of you doesn't say, "Yeah that's exactly what it was like! Seriously we were just friends and then it blossomed into more." See if some part of you doesn't understand the concept that love is like a fire and that there are some actions that kindle the love (like spending time together, talking all night long, being romantic, wanting to touch each other, actually CARING) and some actions that extinguish the love (like yelling, blaming, being apart all the time, ignoring each other, only touching for sex, and acting like you don't care). One of the reasons you fell for the OP is that they took the time to do things that kindled love while your spouse was extinguishing it!

Sure their spouse stopped doing the Love Kindlers and started doing more and more Love Extinguishers...but to be honest you did too! And you know what ? "YOU contributed to this!" If you cheated, you made the choice so YOU are responsible for it, not them--but they did contribute to creating an environment so that the marriage was vulnerable and it just as easily could have been them if circumstances had been a little different. It's not as if you were as pure as the driven snow in your marriage and your spouse was an evil monster. I will bet you money that when you met your spouse, both of you did kindler stuff like spending time together all the time, writing each other little love notes, getting surprises for each other, doing kind things for each other, trying to look good and smell good for each other, wanting to hug and touch and kiss, having fun together. Then you got married and you realized he/she hung the TP backwards or squeezed the toothpaste in the middle...and you did a few little extinguishers. A little time went by and along came the kids and you would wear sweats and gained a bunch of weight, you were too tired for sex or made excuses, you yelled about not helping out with chores, and nagged him/her to spend less time at work but also nagged about money. Right? This degenerated into screaming matches every night.

I point this out to you, because you are an ADULT. When you married someone, you voluntarily promised to always consider another person (your spouse) and how it would affect them. You voluntarily promised to forsake all others and share yourself intimately with them only (and by intimately I don't mean just sex--I mean confidential, deep, transparent sharing of yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and ideas). And as an adult who made these promises, you are responsible for the choices you made. It's not them; it's not something they did to "make you" choose it--YOU. Bear in mind I'm not being judgmental here (although it probably sounds and feels pretty harsh). I hold everyone to this exact same thing--you are responsible for yourself and the choices you make. It's conceivable that others may influence the decision or how you reach the choice--but in the end YOU choose. And in the end, the choices you made were to break your promise. In order to really start recovering from the foggy thinking of an affair, one of the first things you need to do is accept personal responsibility for the choices you made. If you can stop blaming others and take responsibility for your choices, then there is a very good chance for the fog to clear and for you to recover from the affair thinking.

Another thing you need to do in order to really start recovering is to stop minimizing what it is, your part in it, and the damage it's done. You didn't have a "love affair" and love didn't blossom out of friendship--you committed adultery, you chose to do it, and you have destroyed your spouse, your children, your parents, the aunts and uncles, the people you work with, and the people in your life such as lifelong friends or neighbors or folks in your church...AND all those folks in your Other Person's life too! So this isn't some glamorous secret rendezvous but a nuclear bomb of destruction that not only affects four individuals (you, your spouse, Other Person 'OP', OP's spuse) but also causes life long damage to an ever expanding circle of people...not the least of which would be forever deteriorating, destroying, harming and wounding your children. Doesn't sound nearly as romantic and alluring when it's put like that, does it?

So now that we have a good start on how affairs start and who is responsible for the choices you've made and the consequences of your choices, here are the steps you need to take in order to end your adultery and come out of the fog.

1. No contact with OP. This step may sound pretty obvious--after all, you can't build your marriage if your time and attention are on another person--but this step means that you take deliberate actions to make sure all contact is ended and you never, ever contact the OP again. This includes writing, emailing, IM-ing, being with them, seeing them, working with them, or hearing about them from the friends you two used to hang out with! This may very well require some fairly drastic changes to your life too. The very first thing that is non-negotiable is that you MUST end all contact with the OP and put up barriers and guards so that you never speak to them again FOREVER. We often suggest that you write your OP a "No Contact Letter" and then give that letter to your spouse so your spouse can do two things: mail the letter and contact the OP's spouse to let them know about the affair. Your OP's spouse deserves to know that they are with a person who is willing to betray them, hurt the children, and possibly bring home a life-ending disease. Believe me, nothing assists with ending contact like having your lover's spouse know about what they've been doing!

2. Transparency. This is hard, isn't it? The second step in recovering from the fog is being personally transparent with your spouse. I use that word "transparency" because it means "see through"--let your spouse see the REAL YOU! Let them in. Let them see the Real You and what you think and feel. Let them know what you struggle with. Be see through. Right now they will not trust your honesty, and for good reason! You've been lying and covering up who you are, what you're doing, what you're saying, and who you're with! It is reasonable for them to not trust your honesty if you've been dishonest, isn't it? So allow your spouse to verify your whereabouts and check up on you...so they can start to trust your honesty again. Offer each other your passwords, access to each others' emails, let him/her see your cell phones and texts, and open your PC to your spouse. All the ways that you used to contact your OP--open those up to your spouse so that a) they can see what you're doing and verify you are acting in an honest way, and b) it helps you to stay out of contact knowing that they are or may be checking!

Here's the real kind of person I am.

3. Commit to actually doing the work on YOU and the work on the marriage. Boy this doesn't get any easier, does it? Part of the problem up to this point is that both you and your spouse made mistakes in your marriage and the way you treated each other. I suspect this might be something that you can understand and even agree with! But even beyond those mistakes, there may also be issues that are your personal issues, that have nothing to do with your spouse, that you NEED to admit and work on. For example, maybe you were sexually abused as a kid and now you confuse sexual interest with love, or don't feel loveable at all so you go everywhere looking for infatuation thinking it's love. Maybe you were physically abused by your parents and don't understand about boundaries, or don't have any self-worth because you were just used by them. Maybe you were brought up with everything given to you by your parents and now you need to learn to work for things and realize you're not entitled to "things" because you're alive. Does that make sense? In a way you may be able to point out your spouse's personal issues a whole lot easier than your own (like "he/she has anger issues or he/she has no self-esteem") but the point of this step is to stop running away from yourself and your issues, look yourself honestly in the eye, admit to yourself "I need to work on this" or that you might need counseling for it, and then COMMIT TO ACTUALLY DOING THE WORK!! Lots of people say they'll go to counseling, go five or six times, and right about the time it starts to be about *them* doing some work, they "forget" to do the homework and then stop coming (or say "This counselor is no good!"). So make the commitment--deliberately dedicate yourself--to being responsible to do the work on your own self, and on your marriage. Not "Oh I'll try but it's just so hard....." NO!! Work!! HARD!!!! "There is no try only do."

4. Gather Evidence of Love to get through withdrawal. When you end all contact with the OP, part of what will happen is that so much of your time and day was spent with them, thinking of them, writing to them, etc. that you won't know what to do with yourself. Also you'll hurt and miss them and wonder if they're okay. I liken this feeling to the withdrawal that an addict goes through when they first stop their addiction, and this is one time that you are very, very vulnerable to re-connecting and starting up the affair again. So gather evidence around you of your spouse's love. Keep old photos handy that show you and your spouse "in the good old days" when you were happy and in love. Keep old love letters from your spouse at hand so when you feel lonely or think of your OP, you can pull out a love letter from your spouse and remember THAT love. You don't want to just "put off" the affair behavior here--you want to also "put on" new behavior so print out your wedding vows and frame them, when you would have sent a poem to the OP, send one to your spouse instead, and purposely train your mind to think of your spouse instead of OP.

5. Go to your spouse directly--spend time together. This is very important! For the longest time now, being with your spouse has had a negative association. After all, when you are with your spouse, they yell at you, find fault, argue, criticize, keep score, make demands, ignore you, treat you with disrespect--it's awful! On the other hand, being with the OP has had a positive association--it felt good, they liked you, and they showered you with love. But "back in the day" you and your spouse used to share everything, stayed up all night talking, admired each other, and were best friends. In order to really come out of your affair, you need to not only "put off" the old behavior of talking to your OP all the time, and "put on" the new behavior of thinking of your spouse instead--but you need to also start to associate some positive with time spent with your spouse. So we usually suggest to DS's that you give your spouse the chance to be your friend again and treat them like you would a best friend. Do fun things together that you both enjoy. Start a new hobby. As an example, Dear Hubby and I enjoy MMORP gaming together, traveling, car shows, reading, and certain sci fi shows. It's not always deep, emotional talk but we can talk about the new talent builds, remember a trip we made together, drool over a muscle car, read stories to each other, and talk about the "tweest" in the storyline of our favorite show....and those are positive associations! So stop trying to be spouses and parents and just try to have some fun together.

6. Find one accountability mentor, make amends. This step is all about taking responsibility for your actions NOW and your actions during the affair. Again this may not be a welcome topic but it is vital in coming out of an affair and rebuilding a happy, loving marriage. Part of the reason this got out of hand and became unfaithfulness is that you kept it a secret, and if you did tell someone it was people who would be supportive of infidelity. Thus if you went to come OUT of infidelity, it is helpful to have a support network that would be support of FIDELITY! Find one mentor with whom you can be honest, who's wise and will help you with suggestions if you're hurting, and who can help you find your footing and stay on track. Obviously we think Affaircare coaches are an excellent choice! But some other ideas would be a parent, a pastor or person in your church whom you respect who's your same sex, a boss or professor, or maybe just someone who you consider your "wise council." Be honest with that person and let them encourage you in your pursuit of staying married and rebuilding a loving marriage. The second part of this step is related to taking personal responsibility, and that's making amends for the damage made by your choices during the affair. You may feel very guilty for what you've done and how you behaved, but nothing will soothe guilt and reknit broken relationships with family like going to them directly and apologizing for what you did--then asking for their forgiveness. It may not be "fun" to hear, but your children, your parents and siblings and coworkers and friends may have been hurt as well as your spouse's parents and siblings and coworkers and friends. Remember how lame it was when President Clinton denied his affair with Monica L. and we all thought, "Dude if you'd just admit it and say you're sorry we could get past it"? Yeah--same here. Covering it up and pretending it didn't happen rarely "fixes" the problem; whereas, when you admit you made a mistake, people are very often able to forgive and move forward.

7. Re-start Love Kindlers/End Love Extinguishers. We talked before about how the Love Kindlers ended on both sides of the marriage, and how Love Extinguishers became more and more frequent. Both of you have dwindled down on the kindlers and piled on the extinguishers, but you can not control your spouse--you can only control yourself. So is that the kind of person you want to be? If not, we recommend that you begin laying the groundwork to falling in love with your spouse, by being who you WANT to be. Very often as you go to couples' counseling or marriage therapy you'll hear some advice to restart the things that kindled love, like "start dating again" or "be romantic" but rather than concentrating on those concepts, which I bet you understand, let me be practical. If you have done step five and started to have some fun with your spouse again, but just don't yet feel that "magic" for them--if you want to feel love but just don't quite feel romantic and you find yourself stuck for ideas--we recommend the Romance Calendar at LovingYou.com. It's not that I'm not romantic but some days I just can't think of what to do! After all, it can be hard to be creative and unique year after year. So use the Romance Calendar as a tool to give you one good "kindler" idea every day that spans every love language.

But even more important that the Love Kindlers, it is VITAL that you end all your own Love Extinguishers. Yes, I do realize it's unfair that you have to work on ending your Love Extinguishers when maybe your spouse isn't stopping, but life is unfair sometimes. If you do not stop your Love Extinguishers, it will be a lot like adding wood to a fire that has a colander over it that someone is pouring water into. What happens? You pour and pour and pour and the water just leaks all over, putting the fire out! It never, EVER blazes because it keeps being put out! It feels like you're spinning your wheels getting nowhere--enough is never enough! But if you end the extinguishers first you plug the holes in the colander and the water never hits the fire. Then what happens? Gradually it can build up and get hotter. Likewise if you end your Love Extinguishers first, then when you do the Love Kindlers your spouse will be able to see them and gradually their love for you will grow. The hope is that they would also be working with you to build a happy, loving marriage, and when THEY end their extinguishers ... then they'll be able to add kindlers and the flame of love will grow.

Finding Out: What It Feels Like to Hear that Your Spouse is Having an Affair

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 00:09:00 +0000

As someone who works every day trying to save marriages that are rocked by an affair, I've often thought that somehow there is a disconnect between the Disloyal Spouse thinking "Yes I understand that it hurt you but I was hurt too" and the true understanding of what it is like for the Loyal Spouse when they first find out. Speaking as someone who understands both sides, I can also say that no matter what adjectives a Loyal Spouse may choose to describe it (like "devastating" or "heartbreaking") there just are not words to explain the bomb that's been dropped and all the harm that's been done. Language is insufficient to convey the full depth of it and it certainly feels as if the Disloyal doesn't "get it." I've often wished there was some way to communicate to a Disloyal what it's like to hear your spouse is having an affair, and yet every different method or wording I've tried has fallen short...

...until today.

Dear Hubby and I are taking classes to become certified nouthetic counselors in addition to our marriage coaching. If you're wondering, the term "Nouthetic" comes from the Greek verb "noutheteo" (or the noun "nouthesis") and means "to admonish, to warn, to teach or to counsel." The word is found in numerous passages of Scripture and describes the manner in which we are to counsel and help other Christians. Biblical (nouthetic) Counseling seeks to change the heart, not just alter behavior (Mk. 7:21-23; Prov. 4:23). One of our classes was given by a man who is a law enforcement chaplain and his class was basically how to tell if it is an urgent situation, an emergency, or a crisis...and what to expect in a crisis situation. For example, often the person appears disoriented, becomes hypersensitive or confused, has poor concentration, may shake or shiver, and might go into shock. It was during this class that I heard an example that hit so close to home that I realized it was very similar to the shock one experiences when you hear about the affair for the first time.

Your 17 year old gets his driver's license and asks you for the car keys to go to the football game. He's going to meet his friends there, but he will not be driving any of them in the car and they don't plan to go out afterward, so you trust him and give him the keys. He's responsible and returns home in a timely manner, and pretty soon you have faith in his maturity. One day he calls and says there's been a minor fender bender, but no one is injured and information has been exchanged. There's a small ding in the trust and it's urgent but still--he handled it well and these things do happen. A year goes by with no incident and this time the hospital calls. There has been an accident and your son was in a car accident; but he just broke his leg and the other driver was at fault. This is an emergency and is serious, but again all things considered, car accidents do occur...injuries do occur...

Then comes the day you give your son the keys and he says he'll be home at 11pm, but midnight,1am, 2am, roll around and he doesn't answer his cell phone. You're worried sick and wonder what happened. At 3am you get a knock on the door and see two uniformed men, one with a chaplains badge on your porch and you know....

...and that moment right there is what it's like to find out your spouse is having an affair. That immediate "NOOOOOOO!" and the world dropping out from under your feet. Everything you loved and lived for is dead, and the initial numbness and disbelief are quickly overshadowed with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loss. The pain of hearing your spouse is having an affair has been reported as being greater than a spouse or child dying, and having been there, I'd agree that's a true statement. So next time you're thinking "...I know I hurt you but I hurt too..." just remember the two uniformed officers at the door.

A NEW more personal style!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 23:10:00 +0000

Today the AffairCare blog is changing. Our very first post was way back in June 2007 when we first got the domain and the idea for AffairCare, but for a couple years the blog sat quiet. We became re-inspired just last year in December 2009, and we've been posting regularly every since (so yes--next month is our one year anniversary). So far, we've posted mostly article-type posts on infidelity, marriage, and how to recover if your marriage experiences an affair. But today, we are growing once again. We are changing our format a little to make this blog more personal--talk about the day-to-day struggle of staying faithful in today's world. We'll talk about our own story, ask others to contribute, and especially discuss thoughts on Christianity and infidelity. So let me tell you about the new style and a few terms we use regularly.

In our new style, rather than having "yet another place to post articles" (not that articles aren't nice), we thought it might help other couples to know they weren't alone if we posted some of our normal, daily thoughts. Obviously Dear Hubby and I are not perfect, and anyone who knows us at all can testify to that! But if we hope to teach you how to navigate this, we thought it might be reassuring to read real couples, really struggling, really addressing it head on: What does a loyal spouse REALLY think and feel? How about the Disloyal Spouse? How does all this relate to God? Is it SUPPOSED to be like this--or is it at least normal? So we'll be sharing some of our observations or thoughts, sharing some of our own story, and asking other folks we know who are "in the trenches" with us to write honestly and openly about what's on their mind. Some will be educators like us--some will be loyal spouses who recovered their marriage--some will be a person who's marriage did not survive but THEY recovered as a person.

Now for our commonly used terminology, here are the most frequently used terms:
The Fire of Love--The love in your marriage is like a campfire. There are actions that people do to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter, and there are actions that people do that are like putting water on a fire.
Love Kindlers--Actions that people do to stoke the fire of love and make it hotter--those are Love Kindlers. Much as adding fuel to a fire keeps it burning, makes it brighter and warmer, so concentrating on Kindlers, making them part of your daily interaction, builds the flame of love into a blaze in your marriage.
Love Extinguishers--Actions that people do that are like putting water on a fire; some are like dribbles out of a holey bucket, and some are like dumping a big bucket of water on the fire. Smothering a fire will eventually put it out. Actions that kill the fires of your love are Love Extinguishers.
Loyal Spouse--Abbreviated LS, this is the spouse that did not cheat.
Disloyal Spouse--Abbreviated DS, this is the spouse that did cheat.
Other Person--Abbreviated OP (or OW for Other Woman, OM or TOM for The Other Man), this is the affair partner with whom the DS cheated.
Physical Affair--This concept is a little easier to define: this is infidelity that involves a physical component, usually having sex. Kissing, hugging, touching, holding hands, "making out" or necking also would all count.
Emotional Affair--We define it as any time your spouse does not give you 100% of their affection and loyalty. This category *can* include such things as cyber-sex, internet flirting, or financial infidelity.
The 7 Steps--On our website, we have two articles that this might refer to (depending on the context):"The 7 Steps to Ending an Affair" or "The 7 Steps to Returning to Your Marriage"
Our website--This refers to our doman in the internet! www.affaircare.com
Our Book--This refers to the book David and I wrote together: "Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair"
Personality Test--The Myers-Briggs Personality type test. We have a link on our site and you can find it on www.personalitypage.com
Love Language--Dr. Gary Chapman's five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. People hear "I love you" in different ways!
Commitment/Covenant--Beyond just the dictionary definitions of these words, these two concepts are the linchpin of our work. Marriage is more than a fancy party and then living together. It is a covenant between the spouses and God in which both volunteer to give their spouse 100% of their affection and loyalty. Most "vows" include "...forsaking all others..." and "...for better, for worse; richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live" so this is a lifetime promise. Infidelity is breaking that promise.
Marriage--When a man and a woman make a committed covenant before God and in public in front of witnesses. The ideas here might be helpful for relationships in other configurations, but we just would not call those "marriages."
Christian--A believer who has been saved by the grace of God through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ's death...and nothing else. It's not a "denomination" or by "being a good person" but 100% by the gift of God and not through works or attending a certain "church."
christian--In the USA people are sort of "christian by default" in that we are not Hindu or Jewish by default. If a person is born here and never goes to church or believes...they may consider themselves a christian.
Disloyal Dizziness/Fog--This describes the mindset an LS will see when the DS is actively involved in the affair, and what comes out of the DS's mouth is just so "not them" it's shocking. The LS might wonder, "Do you even *hear* what just came out of your mouth?" This kind of unclear thinking tends to occur when faults in the marriage or spouse are magnified and positives are minimized--while positives in the affair or OP are magnified and their faults are minimized or unnoticed. This is so the DS can justify their behavior and continue doing what they know is wrong. Very typically, the DS claims abuse of some kind. This term is not to say that it's "not real" or "isn't happening" but rather is a way to identify this phenomena.
Evil Twin--This term is a description only and does not imply that "all DS are evil." This term is when the LS knows their spouse (the DS) for 10, 15, 20 years or more and the DS's behavior while in the affair is "not like them." It looks like the DS and sounds like the DS, but it is as if another person is in their body. Again, this term is a way to identify the phenomena.
MUU--An abbreviation for Mutual United Understanding. When a couple is working on rebuilding after an affair, one of the first agreements they need to make is to always reach a MUU before making any decision. This means that they will consider their spouse, ask for input and requests, and they will negotiate until they reach an understanding about which they are both enthusiastic. This ensures that you are not controlling your spouse, you are considering your spouse, and you are working together as a team!
W-T-F-S--An abbreviation for "When you...I Think...I Feel...So I'd like to ask..." This is a skill we suggest to our couples when they need to respectfully bring up a somewhat difficult topic. You identify the behavior that is an issue (When you...); you express your thoughts (in case your spouse is a Thinker) and your feelings (in case your spouse is a Feeler) so your spouse can relate and so you are showing your spouse the Real You; and you make a request for what would fix the problem or help you feel better (So I'd like to ask...).
Dear Hubby--That would be my special nickname for my eternally patient, gentle, INTJ spouse, David. I usually call him "Dear Hubby" when I write.

GUEST POST: Biblical Manhood

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 23:33:00 +0000

When your spouse is unfaithful, it often sends you into an interesting place of relearning about yourself, where you went wrong, things you could do to grow and improve as a person, and often for those who have faith, it reminds you of your relationship with God. Today we have a special guest post from a gentleman we met while working with him as his wife struggles with an active affair. As hard as that is, we saw this man growing and helping others, becoming a real man of God, so we asked him if he'd write a guest blog for us. So without further adieu, here is what was on his heart about "Biblical Manhood."

In today’s society in which movies and television give us a false sense of reality, we are often left to our own devices to put together the pieces which determine how we live our lives and the type of people we eventually become. This affects relationships, our personal lives, and many times, it affects a good portion of us on a spiritual level. The result is not always positive.

Oftentimes, we find ourselves left asking the question of what kind of blueprint we should be following. Hollywood and television would have us believe that things just happen; they fall into place, if you will. Oftentimes, it takes a dramatic fall to find out that the notion that we can somehow cruise through life is just utterly untrue.

As a Christian, I’ve recently found myself searching for the answers on how I should be living my life. For all intensive purposes, I wanted to learn more about Biblical manhood, particularly as it relates to my marriage relationship. There is a saying that behind every good man is a good woman. It seems, however, that our society has forgotten that before the woman can stand by a man’s side, he must first lead the family.

Many shortcomings in society can be traced to a man falling down on his job of Biblical manhood. The type of man I am referring to is a man who either refuses to or doesn’t know how to Biblically lead his wife and family. As I worked toward finding an answer, I found that I myself have been guilty of falling down on this job.

My hope and prayer is that men, both married and unmarried will find some relation to the proceeding information. Even though not every man is married, a man would be wise to be prepared to lead Biblically when the time for marriage comes. There are even some places in dating relationships where a man should be able to use this foundation.

For women, the premise is simple. Although the proceeding information will be geared toward men, chances are many women are either currently married, will someday be married, or will raise a son. In all three scenarios, it will be important to know what to be looking for or how to raise a son to be the type of man God has set out for him to be. After all, God has placed a very specific calling on the lives of men, and that calling is to lead; to lead in marriages, some places in dating relationships, in families, and in the church.

The fact is, the concept of marriage and the practice of it are disintegrating on a daily basis. This is not specific to any particular country or religion, yet it seems that America has found its way toward the top of the list, and the Christian church finds itself oftentimes turning a blind eye to the reasons for the failure of marriages, an institution in which God created in the very first book of the Bible. Many times, if a man were to Biblically lead, many marital failures could be avoided altogether.

For many who have ever been to even so much as a Sunday school class, the fact that Eve was the first person to sin is no secret. Even in the secular world, it is oftentimes the subject of many jokes to poke fun at women. Despite this, a commonly overlooked passage occurs in Genesis 3:6: When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

At first glance, the passage seems pretty straightforward. However, upon further examination, we see that Adam was actually with Eve when she took the fruit from the tree, yet he failed to lead as he watched his wife commit the first sin. Had Adam been leading Biblically, he likely would have stepped in and held his wife accountable before she was able to take of the fruit. Adam should have stepped into the situation, during his wife’s greatest temptation, and simply led. God had called Adam to lead and pursue his wife’s spiritual health, but instead he did absolutely nothing.

We see that when God came to the garden calling, he called for Adam, not Eve. At that point, Adam did what many of us do on a daily basis: he deflected. As Eve pointed to the serpent, Adam pointed the finger at his wife in Genesis 3:12: The man said, “The woman you put here with me- she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

In Adam’s failure to step into a situation and pursue his wife’s spiritual well-being, sin was introduced to all of mankind. The source of this sin was based on a man who sat on the sidelines of leading spiritually and Biblically.

There are numerous types of sin that men commit in which they fail to meet God’s calling to them. Some of the sins are based on acts of commission, which would be something a man says or does; in other words, it is a sin based on intent. Other types of sin are based on acts of omission; something a man is not doing that he should be. Many times, this is based on simple ignorance or laziness.

Many men commit the sin of bravado; that is, they throw away the idea of hospitality and nurturing because society tells them that it is a job for women. The concept of servant-leadership never enters the equation for these men. This is the type of man that refuses to get in the kitchen and cook or spend quality time with the kids because they have been told by society that it is something women do, not men.

The sin of materialism is committed by men who value financial commitment to their spouse more than knowing their wife’s heart. While a man is called to provide for his wife and family, this type of man believes his wife wants a new car or a fancy house when, in reality, she wants and needs her husband to pursue and to know her heart.

The sin of anger leads many men to attempt to win any argument at all costs. While Paul says in Romans that it is the kindness of the Lord that leads us to repentance, many men will attempt to use anger to get his way when his wife or family is doing something wrong or something he feels needs correction. The Biblical alternative is to help show the correct path in a loving way, not one that condemns.

The sin of dominance and control is seen in a man who refuses to seek out the wisdom of his spouse or family; for lack of a better term, this man’s ultimatum is “my way or the highway” in order to get his way. This is a man who thinks, regardless of the scenario, that he is smarter and knows better. This is oftentimes seen in relation to finances.

The sin of laziness and immaturity is seen in men who, while having grown up physically, will not pursue the will of God or the heart of his wife. This man can talk about sports or hang with his friends but doesn’t know what emotionally makes his wife go.

The sin of emotional and spiritual absence is seen in a man who, for whatever reason, has forgotten how to show affection and loving tenderness to his family. This man has either forgotten or remained oblivious to the way in which to spiritually lead his wife. Many times, this type of man will feel that everything is fine, when in reality, his wife would love for him to grab her, look into her eyes, and tell her how wonderful she is, followed by a true concern for where she is in her walk with God.

The sin of spiritual legalism and hyper-spirituality is seen in men who, on the outside, seem to have all the correct Biblical answers, but will never ask for help. Many people will see this man as fake despite the fact that he knows God’s will, and he will never voice concerns about his own walk with God, much less to his wife.

The sin of hedonism and frivolity is seen in men who value social status more than pursuing and cherishing the hearts of their wives. This man will quickly trade in the eternal and significant for the temporary and fun. This man will be more than willing to talk about his wife’s spiritual needs, as long as it doesn’t interfere with Monday Night Football or the latest online gaming tournament.

Many men, me included, will likely look at that list and feel completely overwhelmed. I know that I am personally guilty of several of these sins at various times in my life.

There is a deep need in the soul of every woman to be cherished, pursued, and loved. While men may find themselves asking exactly how to achieve this, the template for how to love can be seen in the life of Jesus. In Ephesians 5:25: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

One way in which Jesus loved us was that He simply loved us first. Many men will say, “Well, she doesn’t respect me and show me love.” Essentially, whether the man realizes it or not, this statement might as well read, “You know, if you do everything right, you love me, and you please me, then I might love you.” Even when Jesus was rejected and ridiculed, He loved us first; most importantly, he chose to love us first. From 1 Peter 2:21-23: To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly.

While Jesus was ridiculed, falsely accused, beaten, reviled, and even killed, He never committed a single sin while giving Himself up in love so that the world could be cleansed. While He could have led the church in any number of ways, he did it with love. In this way, men should show love to their wives, even in times when it might seem difficult. While conflict in marriage inevitably happens, the call of men is to give themselves up for their wives and love them first, showing leadership with loving and caring actions during conflict, taking initiative to bring peace to the marriage.

An important point to make is that women (and men as well) receive love in different ways. Books such as The Five Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs are both well-respected titles that detail the different ways in which people receive love and feel cherished. With tools such as these, men can find the way in which their wives feel cherished, pursued, and loved. While each woman likely appreciates and needs each different type of love, not all of them meet the deep emotional needs of a woman’s heart and soul. For example, a man might spend every moment at home cleaning and fixing up the home. While his wife likely appreciates this, it may be that she would rather have some quality time with her husband. Even though his actions are well-intended, he leaves open the possibility that his wife may feel as if she has an absent husband.

In the heart of every woman is a question; one that asks if they are pleasing and loved by their husbands. A man living a life of Biblical manhood will spend his life answering that question, letting his wife know she is cherished and will be pursued until death separates them.

God holds the husband responsible for his wife looking more like a picture of Jesus Christ, as written in Ephesians 5. Husbands are held accountable for the sanctification of their wives, to lead her and have her ready for her ultimate destiny at the side of God.

A wife should feel comfortable approaching her husband with spiritual questions and concerns. Far too many married women are widows, spiritually speaking. It is time for men to step up to God’s calling on their lives to be a Biblical husband for their wives.

The problem of men leading Biblically in their marriage has been one since even when Jesus was preaching. In the gospel, one can see that when Jesus provided the Pharisees with a picture of what God intended for marriage, they responded that it might be better to not marry. While it is impractical to expect people to live a life of singleness, it is well within the reaches of every man to seek out the heart of God in their marriage. It is one of the most important callings a man can be given in life; one that would require every husband to pursue his wife’s physical, emotional, and spiritual health for the rest of his days.

Two BIG Affaircare Announcements

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 05:20:00 +0000

Tomorrow Affaircare has a very special honor indeed. Last week our show on Handmaiden Live was so fun and was such as success that we've been asked back for Round 2! So tomorrow, Monday October 4th, our ministry will again be the special guest at 11am ET/8am PT on Handmaiden Live! Click to listen, or copy and paste the link below:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/handmaidenlive/2010/10/04/affaircares-coach-cindy-j-taylor-part-2

During the show tomorrow, we will be discussing the transparent truths of the loyal spouse can do who has been left and is wondering, "How am I going to get through this trauma? And what if my spouse decides they do not want to change?"

So tune in tomorrow and catch us live, or if you're not available at that moment, click on the link and Handmaiden Live will have an archive of the show. We would love to talk to you!!

BUT that's not the only announcement we have here at Affaircare! Oh now we've been working diligently night and day and we have some amazing news:

We have finished our book!!

Based on the two proven "Seven Steps" programs, that we developed by successfully helping couples, this book will not only show you how to survive through infidelity, but also how to recover and build a strong, happy, loving marriage. The book offers tips that are counter-intuitive but that WORK! "Affaircare: Caring for Your Marriage After an Affair" will show you:

What is and is not an affair
How affairs start
The stages of an affair
Steps to ending an affair
Steps to rebuilding after an affair
How to live "happily ever after"

So click right on the picture of the cover of our book and you'll be taken right to page:

Affaircare On The AIR!!

noreply@blogger.com (Cindy J. Taylor) — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 21:02:00 +0000

Tomorrow Affaircare has a special honor, as our ministry will be the special guest on Handmaiden Live! The show will air tomorrow, Monday Sept. 27th at 11am ET/8am PT on Handmaiden Live! Click to listen, or copy and paste the link below:

http://www.Blogtalkradio.com/handmaidenlive/2010/09/27/affaircare-with-coach-cindy-taylor

And if you want to call in live and speak with the host, be sure to dial (914)803-4651. You will be placed into the caller queue where you will still be able to hear the s how while you are on hold.

Courtnee, the host of Handmaiden Live, is a vibrant Christian woman whose show discusses the taboo truths of the modern Christian as we speak to God’s elected outcasts about the culture here in the USA, the struggles, and the desperate need for transparent, honest, emotional authenticity in our pews. So often Christians and the Church are the ones involved in porn or adultery, and no one will talk about it or even acknowledge it--and if you do, then often you are the one who ends up ostracized or worse! Handmaiden Live is specifically to bring those topics to the LIGHT and show people there is a way to recover.

During the show tomorrow, we will be discussing the transparent truths of keeping your marriage affair free and how you can find hope and rebuild if your marriage has experienced infid elity. As you all know, AffairCare is PRO marriage and dedicated to restoring committed relationships. http://affaircare.com

So tune in tomorrow and catch us live, or if you're not available at that moment, click on the link and Handmaiden Live will have an archive of the show. We would love to talk to you...LIVE!

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