It’s been mission impossi-blog this week for me I’m afraid guys and gals.  I’m currently living on a building site so alas my concentration levels have been shocking and I’ve been spending my time after work clearing bits of wood and plasterboard from our home renovation to help keep the labour costs in check.

Here’s a pic of Affiliate Stuff central at the moment: -

The old wall that our builder (and next door neighbour) is trimming off is connected to my office which should neatly explain why I may not be fantastic at talking to you guys for the next couple of weeks!  As you can see both Duncan and him are sporting lovely ear muffs to protect them from the din so there’s not been a lot of work going on with me this week.

I had meant to do a bit about how the A4U Awards nominations were now open complete with lots of detail about various people I’m thinking of voting for (haven’t made up my mind properly yet), however I seem to keep on getting migraines for some reason. Not sure if its the noise or the 6 whisky and coke I need to calm me down in the evenings re: my concerns with what’s just happened to my formerly lovely home!

Finally….

Because it’s been a while since I posted a pic like this, and I’m famous for them I thought you all might like to see what we found in the void of a roof we are removing to increase the ceiling pitch in our kitchen: -

As you can see, Duncan is expertly modelling a lovely carpet python skin from behind our dust sheeting.  It’s not the only snake skin we found behind our walls, but it’s certainly a crackingly big one!  Life is never dull here in Australia that’s for sure

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Mission Impossi-blog

Happy Birthday Lingerie Brands!  Well, it’s not the site’s birthday actually I just couldn’t think of any other way to describe the milestone it’s just reached.   Lingerie Brands, a site which I often talk about, broke through the 50,000 monthly visitors mark for the first time ever last month.

I’ve been excitedly anticipating reaching this significant number for the last 10 days and have been continually footering about in my Analytics account trying to work out if I was going to make it or not during one calendar month instead of in the last “31″ days, which isn’t quite as satisfying for some reason.

In the end, good old LB came through on the very last day of the month and this mornings stat check was a very happy one.

The Most Satisfying Thing…

Is that this site was my first real foray into the world of Wordpress and I think it does demonstrate that you don’t need a big design and development budget to create a site which can ultimately have a good healthy traffic stream.  Lingerie Brands only cost me £132.50 to build and although I’m the first to admit its now sorely in need of an update, it works very well as an affiliate site and is now contributing a good wedge towards our monthly profits.

The Only Way Is Up Baby!

This site has not even skimmed the surface of it’s long term potential.  I’ve been paying a lot of attention toit in the last 6 months (after getting a bit disheartened when Figleaves started mucking about with their programme at the back end of 2008) and it’s become clear to me that LB can and will grow a hell of a lot further with the right input from me.  My only regret right now is not working harder on it earlier. That said, despite me sometimes having neglected it, traffic has grown 40% since January last year – a VERY motivational result for me.

What Next?

There’s a few things I’m going to do to ensure the site keeps pushing on and fulfils its potential: -

• Redesign the feel of the site a little, and modernise the theme.  I’m not going to dick around too much mind you, if it ain’t broke etc but there’s quite a few frustrations with the current theme. For example, I can’t get any of the pagination plugins for Wordpress to work on the darned thing which I know will be affecting my traffic.
• Do some restructuring of categories to try and rank for general lingerie terms, in the same way as I have done with my mens underwear site. I have to solve a rather frustrating issue to do with sub categories creating 404 errors before I can do so though but I think I have found something that’ll do the trick there.
• Redesign the shop section and look at creating a better and more compelling shopping resource.
• Make the homepage have more of a “shop” feel.  The site is getting increasing numbers of people hitting that page first, and it needs serious improvement.
• Stay motivated!

I’ll be having a celebratory glass of wine this evening, and dreaming of my next self-congratulatory post (I learned my humility from Roger Federer).  See you all again at LB’s 100,000th birthday bash

P.S – Disappointed that Andy Murray didn’t win? Me?  I don’t know what you’re talking about!

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Happy 50,000th Birthday Lingerie Brands!

So you’ve found that first money making idea, you’ve exploited it for all it’s worth and now what?  Back to square one eh?  Lost and desolate in the affiliate wilderness without so much as a blinking map to lead you to that next oasis like pool of lovely money.

But like most navigators of any kind, you’ll probably know exactly where you are with your current niche.  Time and time again I see people forging out on their next venture, which ends up being completely different from what has been recently successful for them or something related that has been chosen without reference to their current position.  This is a recipe for getting lost in the affiliate wilderness good and proper.

With this in mind I decided to provide an outline of how to engage in a bit of what I like to think of as “Affiliate Orienteering” – a great way to make sure that your next big idea is located in a more educated way than sticking a pin in a map!

Think About WHY Your Most Recent Venture Was Successful

If It’s a Single Product…

• Why did people buy it?

• What features did it have? For example, a while back chocolate fountains were suddenly all the rage.  People bought them because they were a great food related novelty, a nice way to finish off a dinner party with some table top cooking, or an interesting feature on a party buffet, some of their popularity came from the “staying in is the new going out” vibe that has become popular in recent years as the cost of living has increased. They also got a lot of coverage on the telly and in glossy magazines.

• Was it a standalone product?  Or are there any accessories for it that you might be able to promote?  Are there any similar products that are cheaper or have slightly different features?  i.e going back to our chocolate fountain idea, could you sell posh chocolate fondue sticks and recipe books as an addition to your current site?

• If it was a product with a specific purpose (like a chocolate fountain) what else is there out there that will appeal to people for the same reasons as they rushed out and bought a chocolate fountain? With that in your mind, do a bit of research.  The best place to start is probably the merchant or merchants you’ve already had success with. If I’d had a big success with chocolate fountains I’d immediately look at other single purpose cooking gadgets, particularly ones that might get wheeled out at parties.
• Here’s what my list of next niches to explore would be:-

• Fondue sets
• Stone Grills
• Popcorn makers
• Pizza makers
• Indoor BBQs
• Any other single purpose food gadget I could think of.

Armed with my list, I’d then approach some merchants and just plain outright ask them about the performance of any products they stocked that were on my list.  Questions would include: – “How do these sell?”, “Do you find these convert for you?” If they’re not converting now, will they convert at Christmas?” and finally “How many do you sell?”

If It’s a Broader Niche Site…

You’d follow the same process but the selling features would be more general.  Questions you’d ask yourself would be as follows: -

• Can I make a similar site and target a different country?
• Can this product area have variations that appeal to a different group of people?  i.e. I created a successful womens underwear site and then used a similar structure to create an underwear resource for men.
• If your site converted really well, why do you think it converted well? If it was targeted at a certain group of people i.e. silver surfers and you successfully created an appealing resource for them to use – have a think about what other product groups appeal to them.  After all you are already well experienced at selling to them.

Your Next Niche is Never as Far Away as You Think…

The majority of the successful niche areas I’ve tapped in the last few years have been related to one degree or another.  I’ve found that once you start to follow a “mapped approach” that creating useful resources that add value to the user and convert well gets easier and easier.  I suppose the best anology is that I have gotten familiar and comfortable with my local neighbourhood meaning that these days I very rarely need to use a map at all.  I just know where I’m going.

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Your Niche Expansion Map – Or How to Pinpoint More Affiliate Cash!

Yep, that’s right.  We have another new resident here in the Affiliate Stuff office (and you might well be forgiven for asking yourself if we can actually get the door shut on any given day).

So who is our new affiliate chum?

Introducing…

Zuri!

Her main duties here at Affiliate HQ are in the stress relief department.  So far she’s been doing a good line in looking cute, adorable, and generally gorgeous.  Our resident Cat in Chief, Lazlo was a teeny bit unsure to start with, but seems to have gotten over his initial concerns about her fairly quickly….

As you can see, they form a fairly formidable IT support team by way of creating a rather excellent “screen muff” on the rear of my computer.

But On A Serious Note….

We got Zuri from our local animal rescue shelter.  Just before Christmas, Duncs and I decided that we should foster a cat for one of the local rescue organisations as that is a time of year when lots of former pets are Euthanased. 4Paws Animal Rescue are a Sunshine Coast organisation that have adopted a decentralised approach to the concept of an animal refuge.  All their animals are housed in the homes of volunteer foster carers.

Zuri was abandoned in a rental property when her owners moved out. They simply closed the door and left her, another cat, and some kittens behind. They were found a few days later by the maintenance man.  When we got her she weighed 2.2kg and was fairly thin and bony.  This is the picture 4Paws took of her when they got her…

Cute size for a kitten, but this cat is actually well over 1 year old!  I don’t understand why people can treat animals like a disposable commodity, particularly one with such a beautiful personality.  Of course, knowing what she’d been through and after Lazlo took such a shine to our new wee foster-kitty we couldn’t really bear to part with her.  So the adoption papers have been signed, money has been parted with, and she is now a full time member of Clan McKenzie!  She still spends a lot of time hiding herself away, but comes out of her shell a little more every day.  Lazlo is completely besotted (bit too much at times as she gets fed up with his constant attention!).

So…

Welcome home Zuri – and ladies and gents don’t forget your local animal rescue if you think you would like a new pet.  Even if pedigrees are your thing, you may be surprised at what you find in a shelter. Posh cats and dogs have not been immune from the effects of the recession.  If you don’t want to commit to a permanent pet, do please consider fostering.  Every dog or cat placed in a foster home is one less euthanased at the council pound – you’d be quite literally saving a life.

Zuri has been with us a month and has already put on 500g on a diet of Iams, chicken necks, and love

P.S We chose her new name – it means “white and lovely”.

P.P.S Don’t think I don’t know you thought this was a post about another spider

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

ANOTHER New Member at Team Affiliate Stuff

I was having a chat with my MSN pal Dan (hello Dan!) the other morning, and our conversation made me realise that although new affiliates very quickly get the “target the long tail” message, this is often not matched by a rapid understanding of 1) what one of those is and 2) WHY they should be used.  Although Dan has been involved in the wonderful world of affiliate marketing for 2 years, he confessed that his understanding of the concept has only recently crystalised.

When I realised this, a bit of a light came on in my head about this being one of those “buzz words” that a lot of people use, and only a percentage of them understand.  It got me wondering….

What Exactly Might Someone Visualise The First Time They Hear About Long Tail Keywords?

Some kind of exotic reptile?  Perchance a magic fairy who deposits cash in your affiliate account?  I think the latter of those two is probably how I’d see it, for the long tail is often presented as a sort of holy grail of making money online and effectively channelling relevant traffic to your site.

So What is a Long Tail?

Well, the officially correct definition of a Long Tail keyword would be  that it is a keyword phrase made up of 3 or more words that are more specific than a one word search term.

How Do We Use Them?

Well, the first way I think we should use them is to disregard any rigid definition about  them.

For me the key part of the definition is “more specific”.  Getting the targeting of your words right will define whether or not your site sinks or swims so targeting outranks Long Tail in the Kirsty McCubbin book of affiliate priorities.

In conclusion – I think “target the long tail” is a bit of red herring and I apologise to everyone I’ve used it on.  I think “Highly Targeted” keywords is what I should have been talking about.

Some Examples…

Here are some examples of pairs of non targeted and targeted keywords (I’ve made them seasonally relevant): -

Valentines Keepsake > Silver Last Rolo

Sexy Lingerie > Agent Provocateur Lingerie

Romantic Night Out > Thames Dinner Cruise

Naughty Game > Nookii

Romantic Weekend > Champneys Spa Weekend

As you can see, most are indeed 3 words but I’ve also used one that is a single word and also highly specific.

Why Target Them?

All of the above keyword pairs have one thing in common.  I would never, ever target the non specific ones at the start of a new venture. Why?  Because as an affiliate I want to put all of my energy into grabbing people when they are as far along the sales journey as possible.  I’m not interested in visitors when they’re still researching which valentines keepsake they want to buy their significant other. It’s a waste of my energy and resources.  However, once they’ve narrowed down the field to a very specific choice I really want to grab them and get them through to a merchant – I have a much higher chance of grabbing a conversion and the traffic is much easier and cheaper for me to get.

That’s not to say that more general keywords don’t have a space in my marketing mix, they do!  However, by starting highly specific and then working my way backwards towards more general keywords I will be able to get a feel for when the more general stuff is not worth my effort.  With PPC, I’ll also be able to use the highly targeted keywords that generate better revenue to help subsidise my more generic terms which might just get me onto a higher commission tier.

Keywords Are Well…. Key Really

There is absolutely no point at all to being top of the search engine or PPC pops for terms unless they actually earn you money.  It’s vitally important to put yourself in the shoes of the buyer when coming up with your niche keywords and getting them as close to the end of their purchasing journey as possible.

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Defining The Long Tail & The Importance of Targeted Keywords

What’s your favourite 3 letter word? I know what mine has been this past year, yep that’s right SEO!  Although 2009 was a bit gnarly for me in places, the little thorns in the usually sweet-smelling affiliate ointment galvanised my determination to insulate myself from margins that were on the wibble.  This is a process I first began just over 2 years ago when I was a 100% PPC affiliate.  The first year saw some small progress and I managed to get myself to 80% PPC and 20% SEO.

However, once the dust from our nuptuals had settled and the credit crunch had really bit, I applied myself to the business of garnering organic traffic like a woman posessed. The results?  An absolutely brilliant increase in my profit margin and turnover.  I will leave the explaination of why combining PPC and SEO can be so powerful to Nadeem Azam – he did a great post on that a while back.

Now I’m Not Letting Any Numbers Slip But…

I can show you how the impact on my bottom line looked!  I keep monthly stats on all of my sites and do love a good graph.  So here’s my monthly income and expenditure graph (numbers removed!!)

The distance between my profit and expenditure (green and red lines) which you can see in January is a pretty accurate reflection of how it had been for the whole of the previous year.  As you can see, throughout the year the amount I’ve been spending on PPC has not increased that much whilst the green and blue lines (profit and turnover) have adopted a pleasing upward trend, followed by a terribly exciting spike around the festive season.

In 2009….

Investing time into writing content and building quality sites reduced the percentage of my turnover I was spending on PPC from 49% to 25%.  Given that a good chunk of my new income has come from sites which are only a few months old I’m incredibly optimistic about consolidating my success further in 2010 and reducing my reliance upon Google Adwords (because I’m starting to get alarmed about how they view affiliate landing pages).

How Will I Capitalise On My SEO Success?

I think I’m going to play the same numbers game I did in 2009 to keep myself motivated.  Every day I set myself a target to get 8 new pages written and live.  I give myself 2 hours to do this.  I set aside a few hours a month to link build for my sites and am using the Content Now Link Building service to garner links for my lingerie site.  I’m seeing some rather pleasing results from that and my rankings are improving all the time.

Where Will My Little Green Line End Up At The End Of This Year?

Well, after a rather sad drop in January I’m hoping it will resume its gentle upwards climb. It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point, and I feel I really know what to do this year to really secure my various sites in the SERPS and insulate Duncan and I from any more recession-esque income fluctuations.

I’ll let you know how I went in January 2011

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

The Joy of SEO – An Illustrated Guide

Happy New Year Guys!

Well, 2009 can best be described as having been an “interesting” year for me and my affiliate business.  The recession and some issues with key merchants took quite the gouge out of my bottom line in the early part of the year – but I managed to work through that and I feel I’m finishing the year with my business in pretty good shape and in a great position to reach new heights in 2010.  Before the shit really hit the recession fan I made a few resolutions about what I hoped to get out of this year – you can see them here.

How Did I do in 2009?

Well, all in all I managed to meet most of my resolutions. I’d estimate my success rate at 80% to 90%.  My failures were as follows: -

• I didn’t manage to create much in the way of revenue with Affiliate Future and Linkshare. Of the two networks I think Linkshare has the most merchants that are a good fit with my sites, so I hope to correct my omission in 2010 and will keep an eagle eye on Affiliate Future for inspiration!
• My vegetable garden hasn’t really eventuated. However, I have 6 tomato plants in the garden. These are still alive and seem to be fruiting.  Baby steps!
• I didn’t change my name to McKenzie! I had planned to be Mrs McKenzie in my personal life, however I got unaccountably agressive when the bank said I couldn’t have one name on my personal accounts and another on my business accounts.  Who is Kirsty McKenzie anyway?  She didn’t make that money, and I was buggered if her name was going on it.  I got a name plate for the front door in the name of “Mr & Mrs McKenzie” – that almost counts
• I didn’t pay off 20% of my mortgage – 2009 was a year of  stupidly big bills.  Not a month went by without someone sending Duncs and I a comedy bill of gargantan proportions.  Oh, and the GBP nosedived against the dollar. I’ve got the equivalent of 10% sitting in a Sterling account though, and with a following wind I hope the value of that will increase to 13% (if the exchange rate improves eventually).  Not a runaway success, but given the challenges we’ve had this year I still think that’s pretty good.

My 2010 Resolutions

• I will consolidate the success I’ve created in 2009 – I created several new sites last year and these have been pleasingly successful.  In particular I’m happy with my Mens Underwear site. It was only started in February last year and has created some impressive fledgling results.  I have loads of ideas in new areas I know will work. However, a trap it is all too easy to fall into is to always be starting new projects and not doing your existing sites justice.  My current sites have the potential to really create a significant turnover boost this year if I devote a block of time to developing them further.
• I will increase my organic traffic and decrease my reliance upon PPC. I’ve already made vast inroads in this area, in fact the results are so impressive I’m going to do a separate post showing the effect of organic traffic on my bottom line in 2009.  Also, given recent “mass banning” outbreaks over at Adwords HQ I’m keen to insulate myself from such an eventuality. Paranoid?  Maybe.  But always preparing for worst case scenario isn’t a bad thing!
• I will keep investing into the growth of my business – it’s too easy to just grab all that lovely affiliate cash and get it spent.  However, it is well worth setting aside a good proportion to invest into promotion, content, and site development.  I see lots of people who make a small amount of affiliate cash, and just keep on spending it. This can lead to turnover stagnation.  It’s so important to nurture the vehicle of your success.  In 2009 I invested heavily in content and it has paid off big time. I wish I’d done it ages ago!
• Add 20% to my profits. I’ve crunched my numbers based on a 5% monthly traffic increase to key sites and it seems this is achiveable.  In fact, my calculations suggested I might well manage to add significantly more than that – but as affiliate number crunching is nebulous given all the variables outwith your control I’ve decided to try to “keep it real”.  Time will tell and I’m not counting any chickens, but its good to have something to aim at!
• I won’t spend too much time affiliate number crunching. It’s all fantasy till you actually get the work done and its too easy to spend time you could be working setting out yet another growth forecast.
• I will pester my merchants more. Goddammit Kirsty but you don’t ask merchants to do enough. Particularly the ones you are driving strong volume to. Get it sorted girl.
• I’ll definately go to the A4U Expo in London this year. I can’t go 2 years running without seeing all my affiliate pals I might even bring my Mum for y’all to meet if she’s up for it.

Personal Resolutions

• More effort at NOT working. Harder than you’d think.
• Plenty of weekends away. We live in a tropical paradise. More sightseeing effort required.
• I’ll spend a chunk of cash getting the house ship shape. Despite the shit exchange rate, it’s time to unleash the moths as this house in its current state is starting to drive me bonkers.
• I will get better at spending my money on myself. Funny thing I have.  I find it really hard to spend cash on myself.  Any purchase over $50 and I get “the guilt” in the pit of my stomach.  I think nothing of spending money on nice things for Duncan, or the house, holidays etc.  But stuff only for me?  I can’t do it.  Whats the bloody point of all this work if I can’t get some goodies for myself? LOL.

OK, I think that’s enough resolutions for one year.  What are your resolutions? Personal or affiliate it doesn’t matter. Record them below so that I can see how mine compare!

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

That’s All For 2009 Folks – What will 2010 Bring?

Apologies for radio silence readers – I have been completely preoccupied with Christmas related affiliate stuff and the rising mercury here in Queensland isn’t leaving me with much energy at the end of the working day which is usually when I talk to you guys.

Anyhoo… Christmas trade is over for another year, and as the dust settles most affiliates will be taking stock of what worked for them, what didn’t, and what information they have gathered that they can use either next year or to help them identify new niches in 2010.  Christmas reveals a lot about peoples buying habits and popular products, so I’ve been making feverish notes and analysing everything to within an inch of its life recently. Time consuming, but incredibly revealing!  If this is your first affiliate Christmas, or the first one where you’ve done well it will definately pay you to take a few hours to reflect upon your stats!

Merry Christmas!

Hope you all have a great Christmas Day and that all you UK people aren’t too fed up with all that snow and ice.  For the record, it’s 33 here today and I am not feeling in the slightest bit festive.  I’m looking forward to my pressie from Duncan tomorrow and a taste of the giant cheesecake he’s just made though, so that at least is a start!

If you didn’t read it then, here is last Christmas’ festive poem.  I’m too hot to write anything creative this year so in true eco friendly style I’m recycling!

Have a great Christmas, and I’ll see you all in the SERPS for the January Sales.

Festive love and hugs,

Kirsty xxx

P.S. I’ve just re-read a post I wrote on December 12th last year about how un-festive I was feeling and how I was having my best Christmas ever (it came up as a related post when I previewed this one!).  Clearly doing much better this year as I’m not displaying any of the scroogy symptoms as per last year.

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Merry Affiliate Christmas Everyone!

Well, its that time of year again – Mega Monday is upon us and todays papers are full of tales of seasonal spending excess.  Apparently £4,000 a second has been forecast as the golden sum that will be spent on interweb shopping today.  John Lewis has had a record breaking week, selling £102.4 million in the week to 5th December, beating their previous 2007 record by over a million quid.

Online forums, Twitter, Facebook and every other electronic communication medium will be filled with the shouts of thrilled affiliates seeing those shopping pennies whizzing into their network accounts.

But at this time of year there is a bit of a danger.  Introducing…

Commission Envy?

I think if Sigmund Freud was still around he’d definately be adding commission envy to his list of ills.  The theory of the Phallus would be revised, and  he’d be chatting on about how all of us deal with the absence of Shoemoney-esque commission cheques from our lives and the devastating effect of that missing symbol of power.

The trouble with this time of year is that we’re surrounded by tales of people making insane amounts of cash.  It can often only take the reading of one tale of thousands of pounds earned in a single afternoon  to turn a feeling of elation at a good innings in Christmas trade into a deep and nagging feeling of inadequacy.

Being “Pretty Good” is Also Acceptable

I say this often, but today I reckon should say it again.  It’s absolutely fine to be a “Pretty Good” affiliate.  Although all those huge commission cheques, the fast cars, mansions, and impossibly glam lifestyles are great motivation I think they can be counter productive at times.  Who doesn’t compare themselves with their peers?  And with money being the measure of success in this industry, a lot of people can start to feel a little bit inadequate when there’s really no need.

Although I have always gone on about not needing to be “super”, I’ve definately fallen into the trap a few times.  (I can see the headlines now: “Scandal, Shock Horror, Kirsty’s Not As Perfect As She Lets On!!!!”)  Sometimes I find myself grumbling about a month or day that’s really been below my expectations before I remember that in terms of my hopes and aspirations when I started out in this industry, I’ve outperformed my early imaginings about my potential earnings by a huge margin.

What Do YOU Think is Good?

In affiliate marketing success is a self defined thing.  If its an amount you are pleased with, you are doing great. Getting caught up with how other people are doing is a completely counter productive process.  Remember this: -

The roots of true achievement lie in the will to become the best that you can become.  (Harold Taylor)

This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Mega Monday is Here – Will You Suffer From Commission Envy?

Something that never fails to amaze me is the amount of outright and blatant shit that is spoken by the “Make Instant Money Online Today!!!!!!” fraternity.  My near terminal bewilderment at the outrageous nature of their claims is only matched by my disbelief at the amount of people who fall for their spurious claims about lacklustre and / or completely useless products each and every day. (Sadly it’s usually the latter).

As a public service I’ve created a translation of the sorts of claims people make versus what they really mean.  That way, if you must search for things like “make money online” and “make money fast” you might have a chance of telling the bullshit from genuinely useful information (hint, searching for those terms rarely produces useful info).

Visit OurSpammySite.com and make enough money to quit your job next month! Free System!

We will send you a (useless) video on how to make money.  By the time we tell you the way to make the REAL money even QUICKER you’ll be too excited not to give us your credit card details.  Subsquently you may discover that the initial $849.95 wasn’t for the entire system and that you will need to give us $200 per month so that we may drive 85,000,000 visitors to your site.  Per second. When those visitors don’t turn up, this will be your fault.  But don’t worry!  We can fix that RIGHT up for just another $500 – you dolt!

Our simple system will create you a website with no knowledge of coding required.  Cowboy Dave’s system is a simple little method that has made many of his happy customers thousands of pounds!

For a simple one off payment you too can own a website about a product you know nothing about which is exactly the same as the other 24,000 we’ve sold to gullable fools here at Cowboy Dave Inc.  Once you get your site you’ll have no clue what to do with it, nor will you posess any of the marketing skills required to make a single bean.  However, worry ye not.  We’ll have your money by then and will be only too happy to draw your attention to the “No Refunds will be issued and all claims are for illustrative purposes only” clause in our terms and conditions.  We will think its great we totally blew smoke up your ass and took your money – and you can’t do a damned thing about it!

I make £10,000 a day doing almost nothing, sign up to my exclusive members club for full and FREE proof of my income.  All you have to do is exactly copy my system and you’ll be quids in.

I make lots of money every day by being a complete and utter scumbag.  My system consists of nothing more than lots of vague instructions, bland platitudes, outrageous promises, and absolutely no useful information whatsoever.  By the time you realise my red hot system gives you an ice cube’s chance in hell of ever making a penny, I’ll have spent your hard earned cash on something nice for myself.  Aren’t I wonderful?

Make £35,000 a month with my completely automated online system. Absolutely no work involved, no website, no building lists, no advertising spend.

Seriously, I can’t believe people fall for my bullshit sometimes.  Myself and my mate Cowboy Dave spend all our time competing to see who can make the most outrageous claim – and you guys still sign up.  To make things even more hilarious, I’m going to hook you into a monthy subscription and bombard you with advertising filled with increasinly ridiculous claims – and the odd request for cash to keep my Porsche 911 in petrol – those cars don’t run themselves you know (I’ve got 5,000 mug punters doing that for me).

Finally, my guide to the deep meanings in commonly used punctuation, words and symbols.

!!!!

We said absolutely nothing worth listening to in that sentence, and there was absolutely no information about what it is we’re trying to sell, but we’ve put these exclaimation marks in to show you just how dashed exciting our mystery product is.

Guaranteed

It’s guaranteed we’ll make money.  You didn’t think we were taking about you did you?!  *guffaw*

UNDERLINED and IN RED and UNDERLINED IN RED

We don’t want you to read the words in between these because you might work out our product is about as substantial as a puff of air.  Hopefully you’ll be that desperate you’ll only see words such as MILLIONAIRE and also EFFORTLESS SYSTEM that is FREE TO RUN except for our $200 a month admin charge, and your first born son’s lifetime earnings but this bit is not in red or underlined so its invisible.  Sneaky eh?

$$$$

Yep, you can earn $$$$ simply by joining our monthly club where we will slowly reveal absolutely hee haw of use to you.  We’ll keep you hanging on for as long as possible by repeatedly promising the really good stuff will turn up next month.  Eventually you will discover that you really can earn $$$$.  Of course, we didn’t put any figure in front of that so your earnings will be the multiple of zero of your choice.

Got Another Example?

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This post is from: Kirsty's Affiliate Marketing Guide - Affiliate Stuff UK

Kirsty’s Bullshit Translator – Your Guide to Make Money Online Promises