Unfortunately, I have found that some adults  just are just as  naive about money and their relationship with it is dysfunctional at best.  Some of this is a result of it’s status as a taboo topic in some families  not to mention that we teach little about managing money as part of our formal education process.  We are often left to figure it out on our own.

While you may not have been taught how to manage money effectively you probably have strong feelings about it! Money is really nothing but a form of exchange but you would never really know it to talk about it.  Sure, you simply exchange currency for food, shelter and hopefully a few luxuries. However, depending on your beliefs and ability to make ends meet it becomes more than that, it’s a source of security, status or anxiety.  Money takes on even greater meaning when it is used to measure our success, failure and self worth. You watched your parents manage their finances and absorbed what they believed about it’s meaning. What you learned by watching them influenced the beliefs and the spending habits you carried into adulthood. I personally grew up in a house where money was scarce and as a result have always fought feelings of scarcity. Even as an adult, when our household income more than enough to cover our family budget, I spent much of my time searching for the best deal, justifying my purchases and passing on some purchases altogether.

It’s also about attitude. What is the first thing you think or feel when you have to pay bills? Are you seized with fear and anxiety that there won’t be anything left when you are through paying them? Are you happy to pay them because it gives you a sense of abundance that you can easily pay them?  Examining the lens you are looking through can be a valuable tool to help you change your beliefs .

The best way to develop money skills  is  to  become aware of the spending choices you make and why you make them. If your not making good choices you can take a step back, shift your habits and re prioritize. Here are a few basics that can help you start building a better relationship with money.

• Create Awareness: Log you expenses and create a budget.

• Create a feeling of security:  Establish a 3-6 month emergency fund.

• Make wiser choices :  Think before you buy.

• Think long term:  It’s never too soon to start saving for retirement.

• Take Control:  Start reducing your debit.

• Develop healthy habits:  Save a little every month. It’s about the habit not necessarily the amount.

Change happens by improving awareness and making small consistent changes. Making your financial health a priority will improve your relationship with money and it may even make you smarter than a six year old.

This week my daughter had to be at school early each day. I’ve learned through experience that the morning routine runs much more smoothly for everyone if  I’m up early and organized. The last four days I’ve  been up an hour earlier than usual and we have managed to get out the door by 7am.  Not bad for a family full of natural night owls. We burned the candle at both ends having late evenings too not darkening our doors until 10:30 one night. By this morning everyone was exhausted and cranky from a week that seemed to move at the speed of sound.

I’m not telling you all of this to have the world’s  biggest pity party. I say this because I know that you  are right there with me and have had those days and weeks too! It’s not easy to balance the demands of work and family life. It’s not only an issue confronting adults anymore but our children too!

Work life balance, read any woman’s magazine and your will find articles proclaiming how achievable it is. We can overcome the chaos and reach a state of zen and balance.  Really?  I feel scattered at times and often make sleep less of a priority to get everything done. Time constraints and dwindling motivation result in an expanding waistline when I skip exercise. I question why I can’t figure it out if it’s so easy!   Where is my zen? At times my life is balanced but at others a tsinami of priorities take over.  Here is what I have made peace with:

• The idea that work life Balance is achievable ALL of the time is a myth. You must be flexible as needs and priorities change.
• Everything is temporary. There are certainly stages of life that are busier than others. There will come a day when the kids are grown and you will not be juggling so many things at once.
• When the tsunami hits do what absolutely needs to get done . There will be calm after the storm and plenty of laundry to do over the weekend.
• You set the tone for the family. If your frazzled, count to ten and think about how to react to unexpected responsibilities that will maintain family calm before you open your mouth. I should tape this one all over my house, car and office!
• Your children are watching you. They are learning how to prioritize, become adaptable, set boundaries and what “balance” means by your example.
• It’s OK to say no! There is no such thing as superwoman.  Is the commitment really worth your time?

Ultimately I think life ebbs and flows and we handle change better when we can be flexible  and lose the quest for perfect balance.  With that said, I’m off to finish the laundry, go to the gym and find  Zen!

The dramatic drop in our standard of living stirred up bountiful family conflict.  My oldest daughter, ten at the time,  quickly began to test our financial  limits. A daily tug of war over spending , rather the lack of it, began. Each and every day she would ask me to buy her something I couldn’t afford. She wanted to keep up with her friends and have the brand name jeans and  hand bags that they were carrying. Who could blame her. I was strong and stuck to my guns but that did not mean that I wasn’t exasperated and worn out. Our verbal sparing matches heighten my guilt and left me feeling like an utter failure as a parent. She was  angry and seeking the sense of security and stability that had evaporated overnight.

Graduation Day May 2010

Grasping for an end of the conflict that over the years had become a part of our daily routine,  it  occurred to me that this was an opportunity to teach her about the value of money. She was seeking some level of control in her life and that is exactly what I gave her. I  awarded her a large monthly allowance!  She was thrilled even after I explained that this large allowance was to cover all her clothes, school lunches, social outings and toiletries. I bet you can guess what happened the first month. She was broke the first week .  This resulted in begging and pleading for a bail out. As hard as it was I stood my ground .  She packed her lunch each day and stayed close to home for the rest of the month. After only  two months she was on her way to becoming  proficient at managing money. Today she is almost nineteen and you would be hard pressed to find many adults who could manage a budget any better.

One of the surprising outcomes of my experiment was that she learned more than just the value of a dollar and how to live on a budget. She has earned extra spending money since she was fifteen and has developed a strong work ethic.  She realized that additional education, high academic performance and leadership experience would positively impact her career prospects  after she finished college or graduate school. She got a jump start on college by enrolling in AP courses and joint enrollment classes earning 37 hours college credit in an effort to reduce her post-education debt load.

So here are some strategies to help teach money management.

• Give your children a monthly allowance.
• Help your children figure out an initial monthly budget.
• Practice saying no. You likely don’t like the adjustments you are making in your life either
• Stick to your guns. If you bail your kids out out they will learn that someone is there to rescue them if they make poor choices.
• Be realistic about what you can afford. Look at your own budget before you set a monthly allowance. Your setting an example.
• Encourage your children to work. Working  helps develop self esteem , a sense of responsibility and learn that you can take charge of your circumstances and produce positive outcomes.

One of the best gifts you can give your children is an understanding of the value of money and  the tools to become responsible self reliant adults. I hope that I will have done just that for all three of my children when they reach adulthood.  My daughter and I have truly had a few really good laughs about some of the things she thought back in day and how far she has come.

I’ve never been much on New Year’s resolutions. Good intentions seem to fizzle out, oh say, around January 15th. I am, however, a big fan of annual goal setting. It prevents me from wandering around aimlessly during the year which I have been known to do on more than one occasion. Ultimately, without some form of a road map I end up wondering at the end of the year where all my time and energy went.

I usually begin thinking about my goals for the new year at the end of November. I need structure. Nothing happens for me without a process.  I start by getting something, well anything, down on paper and play with it for a week or two. If I don’t write it down I forget what I was thinking and I just lack focus. I decide what areas of my life I really want or “need” to work on. Sometimes I decide that one area of my life needs my undivided attention. Other years I pick a few areas. Then I set it aside for a month or so and let ideas percolate before I finalize my plan.

With that being said, now is the time of year that I fine tune my goals. Sometimes you just have to get real about what you can accomplish. I do think you need to be ambitious but at the same time not give yourself a headache. Too much on your plate just sets you up to feel overwhelmed and wanting to give up before you even get started. I usually set only two large goals for the year. Smaller goals like cleaning out the laundry/storage room with the help of my “willing” children are usually sprinkled in the mix. I find that manageable. Everyone has to experiment with what works for them.

After walking away from my plan for a month or so I will ask myself a few questions.

• Is this something that I really feel committed to right now?
• Is the time right?
• Is it a realistic goal?
• Am I taking on too much?

I wish I would have started this process years ago. I never had any real idea where I was headed or what I wanted out of life. I thought that everything would work itself out and I would magically land where I was supposed to. As Dr. Phil would say, “So how is that working out for you?” My answer would be not well. I wondered how some people seemed to have a keen sense of direction and I was envious. I have since realized it was because they made a conscious decision to steer their lives in some direction. There was no magic about it. I think my oldest daughter taught me this. I marveled at how she made a decision, figured out a plan and then executed it. She is never fraught with doubt she simply moves forward. Obviously, she did not inherit this trait from me.

When I finally did figure out the” what” I wanted it all right now. I spent years not narrowing my focus  attempting to do too many things at once. I just ended up running faster arriving nowhere and managed to only exhausted myself mentally and physically!!! I wish someone would have knocked me over the head and told me to snap out of it!  Being strategic trumps doing everything at once any day.

I finally figured out that getting what you want out of life is a matter of:

• Figuring out the “what”. Right or wrong pick something and get started.
• Narrowing your focus and becoming strategic.
• Putting thought into the “how” of getting there.
• Breaking the “how” into small steps so your goals are achievable.
• Figuring out what obstacles will stand in your way.
• Figuring out how to remove the obstacles or more realistically how to go around them.
• Putting your plan in writing and not think it to death.
• Being flexible and adjust course when needed.
• Most importantly and most difficult, doing the things you know you need to do. To quote Scott Allen~ “Done is better than perfect.” Spending time getting ready to get ready is nothing but a waste of time. I should know I am a pro at thinking every detail though. While some careful thought is necessary too much can keep you frozen in inaction.

So even though we are nearing the end of January it’s not too late to chose some goals for 2011. I dare you to pick even one and follow it through and see what a sense of accomplishment you have on New Years Eve, 2011!

1. Reduce impulse buying. Make a shopping list and stick to it.

2. Don’t go to the grocery store hungry.

3. Clip Coupons. Visit www.couponmom.com or www.mygrocerydeals.com for more information on couponing.

4. Cook at home. Plan ahead and prepare a crock pot meal on impossibly busy days.

5. Buy generic food brands. You will have to experiment to find what works for you. Brand name ketchup may be worth the additional expense but many other generic items are a great way to save.

6. Buy in bulk.

7. Reduce waste. Shop for groceries more frequently buying only what you need for a few days.

8. Buy a refillable stainless water container and make your own bottled water.

9. Make your coffee.

10. Brown bag it.

11. Drive less. Plan your errands ahead of time. It will save miles, gas and time.

12. Drive slower. You can lose up to 5mpg in fuel efficiency for every 10 miles you drive over over 55mph.

13. Idling for more than a minute? Turn off your engine and save up to 19% on fuel costs.

14. Keep your tire properly inflated. This saves gas and keeps your safe.

15. Keep your front tires properly aligned. Tires that are not in alignment will cause excessive wear and they will need to be replaced prematurely.

16. Get a second opinion when getting your car repaired. I myself was told I needed new brakes when getting an oil change and shopped the price over the phone. I received two additional quotes that would save me at least $50.00 off of the initial quote. When I took the car in for repair I was told that I did not need brakes at all! That garage has my business for life!!

17. Buy generic over-the -counter medications.

18. Ask you Dr. to write you a three month prescription for your routine meds. Fill them all at once saving you two additional co-pays.

19. Bundle your insurance, (auto,home,etc.) to reduce your premiums.

20. Increase your insurance deductibles and watch your premiums fall.

21. Switch from whole or variable life insurance policy to a term policy. Most likely a requirement of your divorce, if you have children, will include carrying some amount of life insurance. If you have a whole or variable policy you could use the cash value to pay off debt and buy less expensive term instead.

22. Unplug electronic chargers and appliances when not in use.

23. Turn off your computer monitor when not in use.

24. Turn off lights when you leave the room.

25. Install a programmable thermostat.

26. Turn your heat down to 50,55,or 60, dependent on how well your pipes are insulated, while you sleep and when you leave for work for the day.

27. Replace all of your regular light bulbs with florescent bulbs.

28. Avoid buying “dry clean only” clothing.

29. Use the library.

30. If the library doesn’t have your title try www.swap.com or amazon.com.

31. Buy used on ebay or craigslist. Word of caution about craigslist always take someone with you to make purchase and meet in a public place if possible.

32. Buy giftcards at a discount.  Try www.plasticjungle.com or www.giftcardrescue.com.

33. Buy used text books.

34. Make a bill calendar to organize monthly payments and eliminate late fees and higher credit card interest rates.

35. Refinance and/or consolidate debt.

36. Make an extra house payment each year. Be sure to indicate that the entire payment be allocated to principal on you payment coupon.

37. Eliminate your land line.

38. Consider bundling your cell phone, land line, cable or satellite, and internet services.

39. Eliminate unnecessary premium channels.

40. Before you buy ask yourself why.

These are only a few suggestions. I would love to hear more from you.

Here is what I learned from the experience. First that creating a plan and following it consistently is the key to success. It was hard when I first started to train. I couldn’t breathe, my body wanted to collapse with every step and my muscles–they ached. In my determination, I focused on just following the training schedule telling my mind to be quiet when it began to rumble instead of focusing on what wasn’t going well. I mapped out a schedule in my datebook and followed it without fail. It took commitment and some creativity to fit training into my day. Sometimes I would have to carve out time between stops during my evening “mom taxi runs”.  At other times I would reluctantly run in the wee hours of the morning. After struggling early in my training,  I looked up during a run one day and realized that I didn’t think I was going to die anymore, I felt stronger and my astonishing slow pace was getting a bit faster.

What surprised me most after I finished the half on Saturday was the new level of confidence I felt from achieving something that I had always felt was out of reach for me. The experience reminded me that with planning and dedication great things are possible. It dawned on me that failing to set goals on a regular basis robs me of future opportunities and personal growth. Looking at it another way, the rewards of being open to new possibilities and stepping forward to take a great big gulp far outweighs the risk of feeling awkward and uncomfortable when starting a new endeavor. The idea that each new challenge I take on, whether successful or not, can help me become the best version of myself is reason enough not to quit now.  Now I am left with two questions, “What’s next and how I am going get there?”

The same can be said for anyone who experiences changes in their personal life. In the case of divorce, a loss of a spouse or children grow up and move on, redefining the way we fit into our world can feel like an elusive process. Taking on necessary new roles such as primary breadwinner can feel uncomfortable and even frightening forcing us outside our comforts zones. We all have skills that are well developed based on out natural abilities and past experiences, other skills may need to be further developed. Taking on new challenges facilitates growth and moving forward. Moving into the unfamiliar will eventually begin to feel familiar one step at a time .

Transition points in our lives foster new opportunities if we are open to them. Change brings with it a sense of loss and fear of the unknown. Clinging to the status quo can leave us stuck in the past. We often know the answer to what we want to create in our lives but are afaid to act on what we know to be true in the deepest part of ourselves. Transition is a process and change does not happen overnight. Letting go of the old making roon for the new, feeling the fear and forging ahead anyway and allowing ourselves to risk failure can help us gain traction on the road that lies before us.

We learn wisdom from failure much more than success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who has never made a mistake has never made a discovery.” ~ Samuel Smiles.

Not being flexible

The only thing I know for sure when I embark upon my day is that the best laid plans change! I’ve learned, over time, to look forward to the surprises that show up each day . Often they are pleasant surprises that come virtually out of nowhere . Planning works best for me when I create a  flexible outline  of  goals I want to  accomplish  and arrange them around scheduled appointments. When my plans are etched in stone or I become attached to the day unfolding exactly as I planned..well… those are the days I fall apart. When I struggle to put the day right back on track I never seem to get there. I end up frustrated in the process. When taking a more flexible approach I tend to move through the flow of the day with ease and find that I accomplish more along the way.

Creating Chaos as a Distraction

Chaos can be a way of distracting me from issues that I just don’t want to deal with. It turns the focus away from anything I am avoiding or don’t want to confront. I have observed that creating a system of chaos can become a way of life for some people. It can be an especially attractive alternative when dancing around big issues they don’t want to notice in their lives. If I begin to experience a constant stream of chaos, I ask myself, “What am I avoiding?” Gaining awareness around something I may be avoiding makes it easier to  make changes that will have a positive impact on my life.

Lack of Focus

Lack of focus can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Having  no plan at all and flying by the seat of my pants is my favorite recipe for chaos.  Gifted or cursed in the area of idea generation, it is sometimes difficult for me to work on one thing at a time. At times, I feel my day is spinning out of control.  Occasionally, I feel as though I’ve accomplished virtually nothing and still find myself wiped out at the end of the day. Flitting from one thing to another is counter productive. I am not a natural organizer.  Putting some sort of structure to my day using external organization methods are beneficial. I create some sort of list or outline to prevent the day from getting out of control.

I can’t help but say yes

Chaos from overextending myself always results in my feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I’m trapped in a box with little breathing room. I get myself in trouble here as I seem to unrealistically believe that there are 48 hours in a day. This is usually when I remember to set some boundaries around what I am able or willing to take on. When I continually sign up for too many projects I spend some time evaluating “why”?.  Am I unrealistically assessing the resources I have available for projects ? This is often the case. Am I having difficulty saying no? Am I seeking the approval of others? Assessing the opportunity, my motivation and resources available help me decide if I have the time and energy to take on the responsibilities I am considering.

Whatever the reason for the chaos that takes over the day, there are a few things I do to minimize it’s impact on my day.

1. Stop. That’s right stop what I’m doing right now and take a few deep breaths. It stops or at least slows down the run away train.

2. Re prioritize. I decide what absolutely has to get done right now. I put off the things are less urgent.

3. I ask for help.

4. I get a good nights sleep. It’s difficult to focus when I am exhausted. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

Despite the unexpected my day did fall in place after all. I started my day taking care of the things a really didn’t want tackle. I regrouped, restrategized, said no to a project and then asked for some help, I accomplished many of the things I set out to do today despite a few snafu’s. Next time you find your day spinning out of control try some of the strategy’s outlined here and see if you accomplish more with less stress.

~Help me research how divorce impacts women today. Link over to my Women and Divorce Survey. I would appreciate your taking he survey and forwarding on to other divorced women you know as well~

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=EpkgJj_2bRdQaS5ahOzRzHkA_3d_3d

It’s tempting to ignore the financial reality of divorce and hide from making decisions. Confronting your financial reality head on will be a tremendous help to you as you move towards building a new life. The best way to begin to understand where you stand financially is to sit down and look your monthly expenses. Include all of your expenses, your mortgage payment, monthly credit card payments, school lunch and field trip money etc. Don’t forget to factor in expenses that come due an an annual or semi-annual basis such as life insurance payments and car tags. Compare your expenses to the amount of money that you have coming in each month. If there is a shortfall in income look at areas of your life where you can trim your expenses. You may need to make dramatic changes like downsizing your home to reduce your expenses. On the other hand you may only need to make changes on a smaller scale; such as clipping coupons and becoming a dedicated bargain shopper. This is the time to prioritize and decide what you can let go of for now.

Also important is to think about your long-term financial security. If you have money that was awarded to you in your divorce settlement, decide how you can best make that money work for you. Contact a financial planner who can suggest financial strategies to maximize what you have to work with. A financial planner can forecast how long your money will last based  on your short and long term goals and looking at your overall financial picture.

At this point you are in a position to make decisions about how you are going to move forward. You are in charge of how you will handle your money . This may seem overwhelming but look at it as an opportunity to flex your muscles of new independence!  How can you maximize what you have?  This kind of thinking  creates a wider variety of choices and opportunities. You will set yourself up for success in making wise choices based on the strategies outlined here.  One example would be to invest in further education to increase your marketability in the workforce and increase future earnings.

Some women have never balanced a check book let alone made an investment decision. If you have never dealt with finances don’t panic. It’s OK!  Enlist help from a trusted friend or family member. Your friends and family want to know how to help.  Choose someone with good financial skill sets and ask them to sit down with you and go over your budget . You’ll will find , as you learn more , that it’s a lot easier than you think!

Whether you have had a good or a less than ideal relationship with money in the past, now is the time to take charge of your finances and improve your long term relationship with money .  Start now and confront your current financial reality by gathering all the information you need to make decisions that work for you. By taking charge of your financial future, you will find that you will not only develop a feelings of self confidence and independence over time but also create new possibilities for your future.

Nichole is an authorized facilitator of the NOW WHAT? 90 Days to a new life direction program. For more information contact Nichole at nichole@afterthealimony.com

Welcome to After the Alimony! After the Alimony is here to help ease you through the transition of divorce and provides tips and insights you might find useful in rebuilding your life. Experiencing a life changing transition presents challenges that you may not have experienced before. The process of moving through transition is messy –pushing you beyond your comfort zones. Realistically transition happens in stages that require patience, acceptance and introspection. It’s not as easy as waking up one day and stepping into a ready made new life. There is a space between leaving your old life and entering your new one that I like to call”limbo land”. You can’t go back to your old life and you really don’t know what you want your new life to look like. You just know that you want it to be better than before and want it to happen right now. Time spent in limbo feels unproductive and seems like it will last forever. Take heart… this too shall pass. Take advantage of this awkward stage to think about what was missing in your old life and what you want to create for yourself moving forward.

The Three Stages of Transition

Discovering Who?

Crisis and transition have a way of stopping you dead in your tracks. Life seems to stop as the world keeps marching on without you. Before the onset of transition you may find that you have been immersed in the busyness of your life and have become almost robotic as you move through life on auto-pilot; in the process losing parts of yourself along the way.  Sometimes the “who” you are in the roles you play become a part of a bigger package that defines”what” your life has been about. It is common to feel lost when you no longer fit neatly into a package. Crisis serves as a wake up call. As a result, questions like,” Who am I?” ,begin to bubble up.  Life as you know it has change forever and the roles you play have changed as well. It is no longer possible to sleep walk through life which seems overwhelming. “Who” you are has fundamentally changed. Life changes take time and will unfold at it’s own pace. Use this time to begin identifying how you want to live your life from here forward. If you are unclear about what you want , start by focusing on the things you DON”T want. This is an opportunity to re-connect with yourself; a major building block in establishing a life that will result in a happy and fulfilling future.

Discovering What?

As you begin to step into your new life and ask the question,”Who am I?”, you will inevitably begin to think, “What do I want to do do with the rest of my life?”. A mighty big question… one that must be answered if you want to create something wonderful in your future.  In this phase of transition the ground seems to be more solid under your feet and you can begin to making meaningful decisions about your future. As you get to know yourself better the answers to ,”What do I want?” , begin to take shape. As they do, Think BIG.! Dream Big! Use your imagination! Look for clues in your past to help you remember what you enjoy. Do you have a dream that you have never pursued? This may be an ideal time to take your first steps toward making that dream a reality. Getting a clearer picture of what you want sets you up for success as you move onto the final stage of transition.

Discovering How?

One of the most meaningful differences between a woman who continues to stay stuck in the same place for years and one who goes onto to create a thriving future is her willingness to take meaningful action. Without meaningful action there can be no results. In this phase of transition, you are continuing to refine your vision for the future and answering the question, “What’s next for me?”.  Now is the time to put together a life plan. Successfully moving into a new phase of your life begins as you take specific and meaningful action that is tied to the goals you have established in your life plan. Most women who are living thriving lives will tell you they didn’t get where they were going in straight line. None the less, they began with a plan, took action and in the end their lives turned out even better than they had originally envisioned.

Today is a New Day

As you move through the stages of transition take the time to reflect on who you are at your core, what you want to create in your life, make a plan and take the necessary action to make it happen. Your past is yesterday. Today is a new day!

Group Coaching teleclasses forming now for Now What? 90 Days to a new life direction. For more information contact Nichole at nichole@afterthealimony.com.