After the Rose

Finale -- In More Ways Than One...

2011-03-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

And so we come to the end of yet another season of The Bachelor. As this series goes, there wasn’t much notable about this season. It was pretty clear Emily was the frontrunner from the get-go. The spoiler sites all said Chantal would win, but Emily pulled it out in the end. We had our resident crazy who, it turns out, was only edited to look crazy (Michelle), we had our perky, sippy sorority girl who will be the next Bachelorette (Ashley), and we had the requisite girls who were made to look weird, but probably were really nice people in real life (Madison…”fangs” for the memories…)

And so on to the last roundup for the season…

Most Bummed Out Brother on the Planet:

I know this is shallow, but I’m just going to say it since this show brings out the shallow in all of us. Brad’s younger brother has to be supremely bummed that his older twin brothers got all of the smokin’ hot genes in the family and that he ended up looking like every other middle-aged guy from Texas. At least he seems like he can string together a cogent sentence most of the time, so I guess he split the difference with his brothers and got the intelligence gene.

After the family had filed in, my significant other turned and asked me where the father was. I reminded him that Brad had no contact with his father and that’s why he’s so screwed up. But my S.O. swore he had seen some older guy walk past. I thought for a second, and yep…you guessed it. It was Brad’s YOUNGER brother. Poor guy.

Wow, I thought Brad was empirically hot, but after this episode, I think his twin is even hotter. Kind of a mix between the lead singer of Maroon 5 and Jesse from Ali’s Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad last summer. Hot!

Worst Mother of the Year Award:

So they haul Brad’s family halfway around the world to meet the two girls he’s deciding between. Brad apparently hasn’t seen his family in weeks (months?) They knock on the door of his exclusive South African villa and Brad erupts into sobs and tears at the sight of them. He hugs each one hello and holds onto them each tightly as they walk in. He’s overwhelmed with emotion. As soon as they are all inside, they sit down, but Brad says he needs a minute to collect himself. We see him continue to weep and try to regain his composure.

Cut to a shot of his mom, perched on the edge of some cushy chair holding her big glass of white wine, totally oblivious to the fact that her son needs a hug. Um, hello, Mom? Your son is blubbering away in the other room! Don’t you think you should get up and make sure he’s OK? Don’t you want to throw your arms around his neck and tell him it will all be OK because now Mama is here? What is this woman’s problem that she just sits there stoically and doesn’t go over to comfort his son? This whole family is just odd from the get-go.

Wish I Could Take Back That Last Question I just Asked Award:

Not only does Brad’s younger brother have to be bummed about getting shafted in the looks department, but he also goes a step further and asks Emily about how Little Ricki’s dad will feel if they move to Austin to be with Brad. Cue ominous music and awkward glances between Em and Brad. Sure, this question was probably a plant by the producers (“OK less attractive brother…when we yell, ‘Action!’ you ask Emily about Ricki’s dad, m’k?”), but it did make for one of those truly awkward scenes that only The Bachelor knows how to achieve.

Questionable Wardrobe Choice of the Evening Award:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to “Prima”, Brad’s sister-in-law. What was up with the black sparkly halter top? It was way more “heading out to the clubs in Hollywood” than “easy, breezy, hanging out on the patio in Cape Town pretending to be interested in my brother-in-law’s romantic life” chic.

2. OK, this is going to sound shallow again, but the second award goes to Brad’s mom, who opted for a plunging neckline that sank so low that all of the wrinkles of her cleavage were clearly on display in a wholly unappealing way. They seemed to gather into one saggy hole right in between where her breasts used to be. That’s just nasty. C’mon, Mama. Hug your son and cover UP!

Worst Last Date Ever:

OK, seriously…it’s Brad’s last chance to share some romance with Chantal and he takes her swimming with SHARKS?! How bummed must Chantal have been? She hauls all the way to South Africa and ends up in a cage on a boat taking breaths and ducking under the water to check out huge sharks. Really, Brad and producers? This is the best you got for her? The two of them can barely talk for all of the gasping they have to do between viewings as they try to come up for air. Poor thing. I guess the writing was on the wall from that point on, huh?

Name We Least Expected to Hear Again on This Show:

During the nighttime part of his date with Chantal, we clearly hear Brad calling after her, “Channy! Channy! Channy!” (OK…his pronunciation made it sound more like “Shanny”, but still. Roll with me here…)

Fans of this blog may remember Channy from Jake’s season, right? Back in the days when this show would throw in one girl of color just to satisfy all of the naysayers, even though you know that girl had no way in hell of winning?

So along came Channy who started going off in Thai to Jake and then invited him to check out her landing strip or something. Which of course got turned into a double entendre and we all laughed since she didn’t understand the idiom in English.

She’s baaaaaack….!

Most Obvious Lesson Not Learned from Previous Seasons:

I say this every season, but if you are one of the finalists on this show, please, for all that is sacred and holy…please do not EVER make a present for the person who is choosing between you and someone else. Can we flash back to Jake’s season when it was down to Tenley and Vienna? Which one of them made him a lame memory box with dead sea creatures hot-glued to it? Who welled up with pride as Jake chuckled internally and then outwardly pretended to love it? Yes, it was Miss Tenley, that chirpy, perky, “my god, did she just DANCE for him?!” girl who was ultimately dumped in the end.

Chantal, sweetie. Did you learn nothing from all of that sadness? You had to go ahead and make a map of all of the places where you and Brad have been and then roll it up into a bottle? Really? A bottle? How is that helping you in any way?

Chantal takes the sad map one step further and includes a handwritten note professing her undying love for Brad. Sure, this must be nice to get, but wow…awkward. No guy wants to read all that mushy stuff with the girl who wrote it sitting right there hovering over him. Sigh…Strike Two for Chantal.

Worst Attempt at Pretending to Be Geographically Knowledgeable:

Brad tells Emily how excited he is to take her on their date to The Cape of Good Hope. He tells her it’s a “must see” like he’s been there tons of times and flies in on a helicopter regularly. I call BS. I am willing to bet he had no idea where in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, much less WHAT in the world The Cape of Good Hope was, before this show started shooting. No clue at all.

“Uh…Cape of Good Hope? Is that what Superman wore?”

Windiest Date Ever:

This has to be Brad and Emily’s time on the aforementioned Cape of Good Hope. If she reached up to push her hair out of her face one more time, I was going to lose it. Why did the producers even set this up? Why didn’t they at least warn her to put her hair back in a ponytail? There is nothing romantic about being buttressed from all sides by a driving wind that messes up your hair and makes you not be able to even hear the other person. This was ill-conceived in all ways.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

There’s one every week. This week’s award goes to Emily, who keeps drilling it into Brad that he doesn’t understand what he’s getting into with all of a sudden becoming a dad. Could she have poured it on any thicker? “It’s not always fun…” over and over and over.

It’s like she wanted to make sure to really drive Brad away before he committed to anything. Could she have been more negative? According to Emily, it’s not all fun and games being a parent. There are late night ear infections, temper tantrums, and much, much more to scare Brad away. By the time she was done, even I thought that Little Ricki was The Bad Seed or that girl from Firestarter or something and that Brad had better run for the hills before Little Ricki appears hovering over his bed in the middle of the night with a meat cleaver poised over his throat.

Gee, Emily. Being a mom seems really tough. Let’s see. You get to live in a giant house with all of the toys and comforts a kid could need. You get to leave her for a month or two while you go gallivanting around the globe for some reality TV show, and you end up with a new daddy for her in the end so you’re not doing all of the work yourself. When you look at it that way, it’s not so bad being a parent, huh?

(And by the way, I forgot to mention it last week, but why were all of the girls getting on Michelle’s case for leaving her daughter, but not one person called Emily out for the same thing? At least Michelle didn’t spread her daughter’s face all over the world’s TV screens. Why the double-standard that Michelle was a horrible mother for leaving her daughter to do the show, but not Emily? Discuss.)

Journals I Wish I Could Read the Most:

In the montage leading up to Brad’s big decision, we get interviews with both girls as they pose around the resort where they’re staying. There’s Emily lounging gracefully by the pool reading. Now there she is leaning pensively against a railing. Oh! Look! There’s Chantal throwing open the curtains in an obvious reference to new beginnings since her big ending is about to come later on tonight.

But the shots that made me laugh out loud were the ones where we saw both girls furtively writing in journals. What possible thoughts could they have that would have been so important to immortalize on paper?

Chantal: “Dear Diary. South Africa is really cool, but it’s super shark-infested. I hope Brad picks me. I gave it up to him in a treehouse, so he kinda owes it to me. I liked his family. His twin brother and that old guy kept staring at my boobs, but I don’t care. I wonder how much longer the producers are going to be taping me pretending to write something deep here? Well, that’s all for now. Love, Chantal.”

Emily: “Dear Diary. WOW!!! South Africa is SO WINDY!!! Brad and me went on a date this afternoon to a place called a cape and I couldn’t even hear him talk cuz it was so windy. Yikes! If we get married that lady with the wrinkly boob cleavage will be my mother-in-law. I can’t imagine having to stare at that all through Thanksgiving dinner. Oh well. I miss Little Ricki, but it’s super cool being able to leave her and go anywhere I want. Being a parent is so HARD! Brad doesn’t even KNOW!”

Biggest Sign You Know Chantal Will Not Get the Rose Tonight:

Um, Chantal? That’s a real purty party dress you got on there for your last rose ceremony with Brad, but I think a big, black crow crashed into your shoulder and died there. You might want to get it off before you go out to meet Brad, OK? Wait, what? Those weird costume-y feathers are SUPPOSED to be there? Ohhhh…yeah. Heh heh heh…my bad…

Strike Three, and she’s out…

Most Obvious Reference to A Current Film:

For the final rose ceremonies Emily is all blonde hair and beautiful and white Grecian goddess dress and Chantal is all dark makeup and black dead crow dress with feathers on it. Maybe that’s a black swan Chantal has glued to her shoulder?

Coolest Ad of the Evening:

Those of you who know me personally know my brother is an actor down in LA. He’s in a new commercial that’s airing EVERYWHERE these days where he and his family come home to find their house robbed. The thieves took everything except the crappy computer, so he and his wife go to buy another one.

Well, when this ad flew by as I was fast-forwarding the DVR, I had to rewind and watch it all the way through again. Good on ya, Chris! You have achieved superstar status at our house by appearing on The Bachelor (sorta)…

Weirdest Hair Color:

As Brad is about to break the bad news to Chantal that she’s getting the ol’ heave-ho, the camera keeps cutting back and forth between a close up on her face and then a shot of Brad taken over her shoulder. From head on, Chantal clearly has very dark hair to go with her whole death-rocker “I kill birds!” look. But from the back, her hair all of a sudden has an auburn/reddish sheen to it. What gives? Bad dye job? Stand-in who wasn’t really Chantal so they could let Brad re-tape his scenes after Chantal had officially left? Enquiring minds wanna know…

Classiest Dumped Girl:

This goes to Chantal, who seemed legitimately shocked that Brad hadn’t chosen her. She handled it all with class, though, even telling Brad that “Emily is really lucky.” Poor Chantal. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her reaction through all of that waterproof caked-on dark mascara. And if she hadn’t voluntarily signed up to do a reality dating show where she knew she might be publicly humiliated on national TV, I might feel a bit sorry for her.

But I do have to hand it to her. Her limo interview and reactions were all very well done. She came off as the graceful, heartbroken loser who can now go back to Seattle and live eight blocks away from ~~her parents’ place~~ Versailles. Well played, Chantal.

Least Emotional Winner of The Bachelor:

Um, Em? You just won The Bachelor. You just found the man of your dreams and a new daddy for Little Ricki. You have a HUGE diamond ring on your finger. Brad chose YOU. Can you maybe crack a real smile or enthuse even a little? Can you throw your arms up in the air or do a little dance or SOMETHING?

What a letdown. I always thought it was weird how all season Emily guarded her emotions, but this was just plain weird, and a sign of things to come later on in the evening…

Most Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Contestant:

OK, so during the After the Final Rose special, Chantal comes out first. And of course she’s all back to being curvy and hot again. She took so much crap for how much weight she put on during the course of the show, that you just know she spent the last four months dieting and exercising so she could look super hot when she met Brad again.

She starts off by weeping and crying having to relive the whole season with Chris Harrison again and how heartbroken she is about it all. Awww…poor thing.

But just as we are all ready to feel sorry for her all over again, we hear she has a new guy in her life (which the spoiler sites already had told us a while back). Wait, what? Why is this girl weeping over Brad when she apparently has some terrific guy waiting for her at home? How must this terrific guy be feeling about now to see his girlfriend weeping and gnashing her teeth that Brad never loved her? C’mon, Chantal. Are you heartbroken or over it? Choose one!

Weirdest Transformation:

Wow. I always thought Brad was kinda just dense and little dumb. But after watching him on the After the Final Rose special, I honestly think that Jake has taken over his body. In his interview with Chantal he came off as aloof and arrogant and evaded any question she gave him that was anywhere near controversial. She asked him a few times at what point he knew it wasn’t her and he tried everything he could to not answer that.

Then, as the night went on and Emily came out, he all of a sudden turned into Jake on the night he was being interviewed with Vienna after they broke up. Did you hear Emily say Brad has a temper? Did you see the look of fear in her eyes as she kept turning to him to make sure it was OK if she said certain things about him? What was up with that? Why does she need permission from him for anything? The whole relationship is just creepy to me now.

It so harkened back to hearing Vienna talk about Jake raging at her for no apparent reason and watching Jake just sit there and smirk smugly like he knew better when we all knew Vienna was totally calling out his dirty laundry and that every word was true. Brad is a creep for sure.

Most Shocking Revelations:

Did you hear the faked gasps as Brad and Emily revealed that they have already broken up once? SHOCK! And that Emily wouldn’t move to Austin today if Brad asked her? SHOCK! Or that after the show would air Monday nights Brad would call Emily and he’d have to leave a message because she wouldn’t answer?

There is no way these two are gonna last. I’ll bet they are already split up even as I type this. They couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable together, but you know the producers wanted their happy ending, and so poor Brad and Em had to pretend to like each other. How unhappy did she look the whole time he had his arm around her? How stone-cold, emotionally dead could she have seemed? Not looking good, folks…

What Show Am I Watching? Award:

So we’re in the midst of a pretty ho-hum After the Final Rose special and all of a sudden the producers trot out three past couples who all have gone on to happy, fulfilling relationships. How much did that whole segment feel like an episode of Intervention? It was like the producers already knew the writing is on the wall for Brad and Emily, and so they sent in the big Bachelor guns to try to help smooth things over. “Maybe if we bring in couples who say they are in love, Brad and Emily will be in love too even though we don’t really care about them that much…”

“Hey guys! It’s tough to be on this show. Everyone picks you apart and tries to tear you down, but you gotta be stronger than that!” That was the general message from the couples there. But if Brad and Emily have already broken up once, I don’t think any amount of Ali and Trista’s faux perkiness or Molly’s “above-it-all”-ness or Ryan’s bad Dr. Spock haircut is going to save this relationship. Even Brad giving Emily back her ring resized (the show couldn’t have it in her size back in South Africa? Why not?) screams “trying too hard”, and so what could have been a happy ending to this season actually feels kind of depressing and hopeless.

And so with that, we are through with another season. I’ve had fun over the past few couple of years writing these blogs, but I think this will be my final one. When I started this, I was hoping for a more interactive experience where people could comment and we could discuss. I can see from the numbers on my site that there are hundreds of people checking this out every week, but no one ever leaves comments here. A few of you are great and comment on the After the Rose Facebook page (shout-out to you, Marilyn! I don’t even know you personally, but thank you!)

So I’ll make a deal with you guys. If I can get ten comments on this blog from ten different people OR I can get 50 people who like the After the Rose Facebook page, I’ll do these blogs again for Ashley’s season. If not, then I will go quietly off into the Bachelor sunset and leave the blogging to the guys with the spoilers.

Either way, thanks for reading what you have and thanks especially to those who have posted comments and made this show fun to watch! Even if I’m not blogging about it in May, rest assured that I will be tuned in for Not-A-Dentist Ashley’s season.

Catch you later!

The Women Tell All!

2011-03-09T20:46:00.001-08:00

The spoiler sites have been abuzz with incorrect information and speculation, the supermarket tabloids have Emily, Chantal, and Brad spread all over with all sorts of unflattering photos and headlines, so you know we’re gettin’ down to it now. Only one more episode to go. The Women Tell All is usually my favorite episode of the season. It’s fun to see how they have all changed their looks, changed their stories, and changed their attitudes.

Let’s get to it…

Most Shocking Statistic:

Was I the only one blown away by the fact that there are 500 (yes FIVE HUNDRED) former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants from this show? Apparently they all have this little incestuous “in crowd” where they go to cool parties in dark, upscale bars in LA and New York and all sleep with each other and let their tongues hang out down each others’ throats (how gross was THAT shot?)

Of course, the real reason we got to witness all of these shenanigans is so that we could preview the new cast for Bachelor Pad 2 (Electric Boogaloo) this summer. I haven’t been reading the spoiler sites yet about that show, but I’m going to guess Vienna and Rozlyn are gonna figure importantly in the drama since we saw them smirking and getting lots of face time with the camera, as will “Guard and protect her heart” Kasey (did anyone else notice that he was featured at both parties on both coasts? This guy’s soaking up his 15 minutes the best he knows how.)

They have already set up the backstory that Vienna is a backstabbing whore when we find out that she slept with her supposed best friend’s friend. GASP! Vienna slept with Wes! And last summer Gia told us that SHE likes Wes too! How could a best friend who only hangs out at wild sex parties when the show invites them to be together DO something like that?! I mean, where’s the loyalty?

The sex is played up at the gatherings and we get lots of people who have already hooked up, which means they will all feature prominently as well this summer. By that time, some will be full-blown dating couples while others will be pissed and hurt that one part of the couple has already slutted around with someone new. Should be entertaining.

Oh…and one more thing while we’re on the topic. I bet that Michelle makes it to the Bachelor Pad this summer too. With the editing job they did on her for this episode making her out to be the poor, pitiable victim, the bitch slot is now open for Vienna. Maybe Michelle will be cast as the creepy stalkery one? We shall see…

Last People We Expected to See at A Bachelor ~~Swinger~~ Reunion Party:

Um, Allie and Roberto? What are you guys doing in the same upscale, dark bar with all of those swingin’ singles? Aren’t blisters currently forming on your naughty bits just rubbing elbows with these guys? You found each other, you’re in love, you’re still cute. Run…run for the hills as fast as you can!

Most Shocking Bachelorette Transformation:

This of course goes to Not-A-Dentist Ashley who we see come out as a brunette now. With her weird make-up, she’s actually pretty unrecognizable as the chick who Brad dumped in South Africa. I’m not sure why the producers wanted such a drastic change in her, but she did it and how. She’s definitely lost her cute, perky edge and gotten more adult and matronly-looking with this new ‘do. She didn’t look much like a dentist before, but now we KNOW she’s ditching that profession for good.

Oh…and what was up with the gigantic caps on her two front teeth? How huge were they? How does a dentist have such distracting teeth?

Least Interesting Catfight of the Night:

Raichel versus Melissa…zzzzzz.

“Hi! I’m Raichel! I’m a manscaper and people like Melissa get under my skin! I’m going to sit here and roll my eyes and look away a lot in disgust since she gets to sit up with Chris and I am relegated here to the sidelines! I could have gotten a lot farther in the game if that blonde bitch up on stage right now hadn’t brought out all kinds of crazy in me!”

“And hi! I’m Melissa! My neck is very tendony and I always look like I’m trying to squeeze a lemon between my butt cheeks! Raichel just doesn’t understand me and we’ll agree to disagree on every point Chris brings up with us! I’m superior since I get to sit up on stage with Chris and since I don’t add an extra ‘I’ to my name, so I will cross my legs and bob the top one up and down nervously and bend my head to the side a lot whenever I want to pretend I don’t get what Raichel is talking about!”

‘Nuff said…”

Best Edit of the Night:

Hands down this goes to Michelle. This whole season the producers have made her out to be a horrible, mean person who badmouths the other girls and sees herself as superior to everyone else there. She’s conniving, she’s crafty, she threatens, she gives herself unexplained black eyes, she…wait…she cries when she’s talking about her daughter? She gets hurt feelings when some of the other girls won’t stop verbally abusing her and calling her names like “spider” and “creepy”?

After the trouncing Michelle got all season, she finally is redeemed. We actually start to like her as we hear lots of the girls who we like already sticking up for her and get to hear her side of it all. It’s not much of a shocker that the only reason we hated her was the editing. As I said earlier, I’ll bet this “feel sorry for me” treatment is so that Vienna can play the part of villainess on Bachelor Pad 2 this summer and Michelle can play some other role.

Most Overused Line of the Night:

I counted how many times Michelle told us, “I left my daughter!” and I got six. Anyone else? We get it Michelle. You chose to leave your daughter. No one forced you to do it. You decided that going out to Hollywood and wearing short skirts and tying up Brad in a hotel room was a better deal than hanging out with your kid. We get it. But you don’t need to go on and on about your own poor choices. It got tired after the second time.

Girl Who I’ve Changed My Opinion About the Most:

This has to be Jackie (the one who sorta kinda looks like Idina Menzel). On the show we liked her perky goofiness. On this episode, though, she can’t even see Michelle is having a producer-staged breakdown on stage. She has to keep running off her mouth seemingly oblivious to any emotion happening right in front of her. Bad move, Jackie. This is most likely the last anyone will see of you, and THAT’S the impression you want to leave us with?

Most Overdramatic Moment of the Night:

This would be Chris telling the producers to cut away to a commercial so Michelle can compose herself after she has supposedly lost it. “We’ll be right back so she can regroup,” he tells us in his best fake-solemn voice. “This is stupid,” you can hear a girl off-camera saying since they all know this whole waterworks acting job is a big fake.

My other half pointed out that he didn’t actually see any tears coming out of Michelle’s eyes during all of these sad, emotional scenes. While I didn’t pay any attention to that, I did notice that there were so many candles behind her that at one point the audience members sitting behind her were shimmering behind the heat waves coming up.

Girl Who Contradicted Herself the Best:

After the skanky bartender from Boston has just told Michelle that in her skanky bartender family they were raised to believe that children are more important than anything, the girls all start to gang up on Michelle for leaving her daughter. Michelle tells them all, “You have no right to question my mothering!” and she’s 100% right.

Jackie, who is losing more and more points as the episode wears on, quips back, “I would never make a comment about you being a mother!” and then without skipping a beat does exactly what she just said she would never do by adding, “You are the best mother EVER!”

Wait a sec here, Jackie. Didn’t you JUST say you would never make a comment about Michelle’s mothering skills? And then you just commented on her mothering skills. Strike three. I like Michelle more than Jackie now for sure.

Favorite Audience Members:

The producers always stack the audience with people who they can cut to for good close-ups of reaction shots. We always have the “go to” people we can count on for arched eyebrow holier-than-thou looks, the ones who can pull the perfect disgusted face when someone says something they totally disagree with, and the over-eager single ladies who think that if they over-emote and put on a good show, maybe they too will be plucked out of obscurity and thrust into the arms of a charming man whore.

Well last night we had all of those, but did you notice we also got a new subset? For Michelle’s entire interview and breakdown, they kept shooting to two older women. Like senior citizen old. Like “We’re here to cheer on Florence Henderson on Dancing with the Stars but we walked into the wrong studio” old.

They were certainly well put together and not at all frumpy or dowdy in a Mama’s Family way, but it stood out to me that every time Michelle would reference leaving her daughter, the cameras would cut to these two ladies nodding knowingly almost like they approved of every word Michelle was saying. “You have no right to question my mothering!” Cut to approving nod in unison. Why did Brad keep Michelle around for so long? “He loved my confidence.” Cut to approving nod in unison. I think this was all a subconscious way of making us more supportive of Michelle. Just a guess, but there’s a reason they cut away to these two so much during those segments, no?

Weirdest Outburst of the Night:

Did anyone else fall out of their chair when Britt actually spoke? And it was, like, several sentences she said? And did you then fall further out of your chair when you realized that the girl who has said three words all season decides only to speak to defend Michelle?! How nuts is that? The only reason she talks is to come to Michelle’s defense and says that Michelle is gorgeous and confident and yadda yadda yadda. Who knew? She may as well have just asked her out on date, right? It was all a little too over the top and gushy for no apparent reason.

Saddest Sympathy One-on-One:

Poor Ashley H. She’s cute and perky, her dad recently died, she got to sing with Brad and Seal, and Brad dumped her big time in Vegas in favor of the other Ashley. I’m not sure why the producers decided to give her a featured segment on this episode, but they brought out all of the sad stares, minor key violin music, and sympathetic frowns from the audience members as Ashley H’s story was replayed for us. Then to top it off we hear that she’s been cheated on and has never been in a fulfilling, mature relationship before. This whole thing felt like an online video dating service for her. “Choose her! She’s cute and perky and only a little bit damaged. Well OK, a lot damaged, but she’s still likeable. Choose her, please?” I hope she at least will get a bunch of dates from that whole sad segment.

Dumbest Question of the Night:

As Chris is rehashing all the dumping that Not-A-Dentist Ashley had to endure in South Africa, they get to talking about the chemistry that she and Brad really did have. Ashley tells him that she and Brad had something unspoken going on, so of course he asks her, “What did you have that was unspoken?”

Um, Chris…dude. If something’s unspoken, that means the person can’t speak about it. So how exactly are you expecting her to answer your question?

Best Answer to A Dumb Question:

After poor Ashley has been through the wringer seeing her dates with Brad played over and over while she’s shrunken down to a little box in the corner, Chris tells us that Brad is about to come out onstage live and in person. “What do you want to say to him?” Chris asks Ashley.

And Ashley gets a smirk on her face and answers back, “That I love him!” I literally laughed out loud at that. Maybe Ashley has more personality than I gave her credit for? Or maybe she’d been taking hits on the laughing gas that dentists get? Either way, this was the funniest line of the night.

You Are SO Not Oprah Award

I was baffled by seeing Brad and Chris travel to a South African preschool. What in god’s name were they doing there? What possible reason could the producers have had for showing us that The Bachelor gave these kids a solar water heater? This whole segment was SO self-serving. You guys are SO not Oprah in any way, shape, or form.

I’m guessing the only reason they did this whole charade was so that Chris could show off that he has skills other than hosting. Did anyone else notice his mad soccer skills where he kept the ball away from a four-year-old? Nice job, Chris. You’ve not only provided a hot bath for that little boy, but you’ve lowered his self-esteem by about 75%. Oprah would never have shown off like that. Next time you guys show up to a place like that, everyone better be getting cars and trips to Australia, otherwise it just doesn’t count.

Funniest Moment from the Funniest Moment Clip Montage:

This is a tie, but they both involve Emily.

1. Who else loved the elephants humping behind Brad and Emily during their date? And how ironic was it that the prim and proper southern girl got to watch pachyderms gettin’ it on in the watering hole.

2. And I thought it was a really funny omen of things to come that Emily dropped her Fantasy Suite key in the South African muck. Glad we got to see that outtake too!

Worst Editing for a Preview for Next Week:

Next week we see shots of Brad and one of the final ladies lowered in a shark tank. We see giant sets of teeth on the sharks as they swim dangerously close to the young lovers. But then even though we clearly see Brad and the beauty totally submerged underwater, we hear Brad’s voice clear as a bell say, “Oh my god...there’s a shark right there!” How can he be saying this so clearly if he’s underwater? I get that there could be a microphone on him in the shark cage, but it would never sound that clear. I think we are victims of bad editing again, my friends.

So next week is the big finale. If you read the spoiler sites you already know who wins and who the next Bachelorette will be. I’m not sure how they are going to fill up two full hours, but they always manage to do just that. I’ll be back next week to recap it all. Until then, don't forget to "Like" us over at After the Rose on Facebook and tell a friend!

Hippos, Hakuna Matata, and Cold Showers

2011-03-03T09:40:00.000-08:00

Thanks for hanging in there this week, After the Rose fans. I’ve been a bit under the weather, and this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and write. Also, those of you who follow the spoiler sites know that there has been a lot of action over there this week. I kinda wanted to wait to see what would come of all of it before I typed all of this up just in case some of what I say is outdated. Apologies if it is!

In a way, it’s all good since we were back to a boring, long-winded episode again this week. How did the producers manage to make two hours in South Africa be such a long, dreary affair? There WERE a few highlights, though, so let’s get to ‘em…

“You Are Not Survivor” Award:

This goes to the producers, of course. Survivor always has to edit in shots of the local animals looking all creepy and stalker-y to add to the tone of how everyone on that show backstabs and sneaks around like creepy crawly creatures. But it doesn’t work as well here on The Bachelor. It felt like half of this episode was filler shots of every sort of animal imaginable. There are only so many zebras and giraffes you can watch when what you really just want is to get down to Bachelor business. Leave the wildlife to the professionals, producers!

Funniest Line of the Night:

This could even be a contender for funniest line of the season. As Brad and Chantal’s boobs and too-short jeans cut-off shorts are Jeep-ing through the scary backroads of the South African wilds, Brad tells us, “I’m sitting here looking at the South African bush!” Maybe Chantal should wear pants next time?

Most Bummed with Her Animal Symbolism:

On Survivor they use shots of wildlife to symbolize characters’ personalities. Just as a sneaky, conniving person flips someone to his side we’ll get a shot of a spider killing and eating its prey. Or just as someone is about to get blindsided we’ll see a helpless mouse being swallowed whole by a vicious snake.

Apparently The Bachelor is different. As Brad and Chantal O. are eating their picnic by the local watering hole, they are greeted by a pack (herd? bevy? flock?) of hippos. Since she’s been getting so much crap for how much weight she put on during the taping of the series, how bummed do you think Chantal was to see her romantic date interspersed with tons of shots of fat, roly-poly hippos flicking their ears and floating lazily in the water? Symbolism much, producers? Mean, mean, mean…

(Also, why was Chantal’s dinner date with Brad in the broad daylight? The other two got romantic nighttime dates for dinner, but it looked like Chantal and Brad were eating lunch instead. What gives?)

Coolest Fantasy Suite:

This has to be that really neat treehouse that Brad and Chantal got busy in. Such a cool setting – open-air, under the stars, lions roaring in the background, and black mamba snakes winding their way up the trunk to kill you once you fall asleep. I couldn’t think of any better place to get my first peek at Brad’s naughty bits.

Dumbest Line of the Night:

This is actually a tie, but both awards go to Emily, so I’ll put them in the same category.

It’s Emily’s turn for some one-on-one time and she and Brad run to each other in joyous glee as they first see each other. But Brad has a little something up his sleeve. He tells Emily to wait and that he forgot something. Then he turns and bolts back up the dirt road he came down. Emily stares after him, perplexed. Then she waits. And she waits. And she waits. Will Brad ever come back? Surely he’s left her there forever. In the midst of her emotional turmoil she tells us in a voiceover, “It’s possible a lion could come eat me!”

GASP! A lion!? Think about it Emily. Even if there were an actual lion within a mile of that spot where you are standing, it would have to get through all of the camera, sound, and lighting people, the producers and directors, the flunkies who are waving the mosquitoes off of you, and the snipers they have stationed every ten feet around you to ensure your safety. So yes, it’s possible a lion could come eat you, I guess. But not really…

Then later as they are riding along, Emily chirps to Brad, “This is like The Lion King, but better!” It’s like the WHAT now? The Lion King? Really? So you being on that elephant with Brad is just like a bunch of cartoons singing and fighting their way to total domination over the pridelands? Really? Hakuna Matata, Em…

Biggest Sign It’s Time for a New Dream:

I’ve ridden an elephant before. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s different. It makes you smile. But it also makes you kinda seasick and it also keeps feeling like you’re about to be thrown off.

So I had a tough time understanding why Emily kept gushing that riding an elephant was her “dream”. Emily is so excited to ride the elephant that she even tells Brad to “shut up” and then proceeds to hurl out several “Oh my goodness gracious!”-s and “Oh my dear lord”-s.

Really, Emily? This is your dream? Finding a new daddy for Little Ricki isn’t a dream? Having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life isn’t your dream? I think it’s time to re-evaluate, sweetie.

Most Psyched About Her Animal Symbolism:

Emily was doing a little happy dance in front of her TV when she saw her dinner date with Brad. Sure, Chantal got roly-poly hippos looking fat, slobby, and lazy. But when Brad and Emily start making out, they get the sounds of elephant trumpets in the background. How much more excited and happy can THAT symbolism be? Of course, the sounds were totally faked and put in during editing back in LA, but Emily must have been happy that sub-consciously we now associate Chantal with fat hippos and Emily with (fake) trumpets of joy.

Best Excuse for a Cold Shower:

After Brad and Emily’s romantic dinner out in the middle of the African nowhere surrounded by thousands of pairs of animal eyes and creepy-crawly insects trying to sneak in from everywhere, Brad hands Emily the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it out loud. Brad’s all hot and bothered since he didn’t get to go all the way with Emily last week when her daughter was sleeping a few feet away. Out here in South Africa there’s no daughter, so he’s all ready to do the horizontal South African shuffle.

But, alas, our Em is a good girl with high moral standing. She reminds Brad that she’s a mom to a five year old girl (like moms can’t be sexual? Lame…), and so she’s looking forward to using her time in the Fantasy Suite to talk and get to know Brad more.

Translation: “You ain’t gettin’ any of this tonight, Big Brad. Paws off.”

Cold shower, Table Five, please?

Fakest Over-Reaction of the Show:

This goes to Not-a-Dentist Ashley, who when she sees that her date involves a helicopter runs for the hills in surprise and shock like she had no idea her date would involve flying. Is she not staying at the same place where Brad is staying? Did she not hear the roar of the helicopter landing just down the street? How is this such a surprise to her? She and Brad just walked down the road a ways from her house to get to the thing. You think she would have noticed it landing there, right?

This whole “This is my biggest fear!” thing is getting so tired on this show. How many times do we have to see people facing what is supposedly their biggest fear only to find comfort and solace in the arms of their significant other to help them through it? Those people almost always get dumped on this show too. I guarantee that whomever has to go in the shark tank on next week’s episode will somehow let us know that sharks and/or deep water are their biggest fears.

Happiest Blogger Moment:

Interspersed throughout the episode, ABC was revealing the new cast for Dancing with the Stars. And I couldn’t be happier. This season’s cast is dull, lame, boring, virtually unknown, and a big waste of time. I’m so happy that I will get two to three nights a week back by not having to watch any of it. THAT’S the best they could do?! Not boding well for that show…

Most Obvious Crash and Burn Moment of the Show:

We can all see Ashley and Brad’s date totally unraveling at the seams. And we can see the reason is that Ashley is not giving Brad the answers he’s looking for. Why can’t SHE see that? I mean, I’m in front of a DVR in California, never met either of them in real life, and even I can see that! The fact that Ashley is playing with her hair so much and that Brad is looking everywhere but at her can’t be a good sign either, huh?

Brad ends up dumping her, but he does the gentlemanly thing and pulls her out for some alone time to soften the blow. “I need to tell you goodbye,” the writers have told him to say. Ashley tries to hold it together, plays the whole “I’m shocked!” card, and gets whisked off into the African wilds never to be heard from again. Or maybe not? Stay tuned…

Meanwhile, Emily and Chantal are standing out next to what looks like a mosquito and crocodile-infested bog in the blistering sun. That’s love. The cameras keep cutting back to these two waiting while Brad dumps Ashley. It’s funny to see these two start to wilt with every shot. By the end Emily’s hair has shrunken about three sizes and even Chantal’s boobs aren’t looking as perky as they used to.

Most Useless Host Award:

This, of course, goes to Chris Harrison, who seems to be a pretty useless host overall. This is one of those shows I feel like would be the exact same without a host at all. After Brad dumps Ashley, there’s no need to have the suspense of handing out the final rose. So we don’t get to hear Chris tell Brad, “Brad, ladies, this is the final rose of the evening.” Even Brad remarks that Chris is absent from that duty.

Poor Chris. I wonder where he was instead? Sitting out on his porch in the sun having his daily massage? On a plane hightailing it back to LA to get out of the malaria-infested mosquito cloud? Let’s all take a moment and send poor Chris our positive thoughts…

Lamest Preview for Next Week:

On the next “real” episode in two weeks (next week is The Women Tell All), we see that Brad and the two ladies are heading to Cape Town. Didn’t you love how Brad announced it like he had any idea where it was and/or could even locate it on a map? He tells them that he considers it “…one of the most exciting cities in the world!” like he’s been anywhere other than Costa Rica and Anguilla. It never is a good thing when the producers have these people try to pretend like they are the experts in the countries or cities they are visiting. Remember Allie in Portugal with Roberto? You would have thought that she practically invented Portugal, she knew so much about it. My guess is we’re going to get a lot of that from Brad too.

Most Interesting Cuisine During the Credits:

It was kinda funny to watch Brad trick Chantal into eating a worm and then not eat one himself after she freaked out and over-reacted. And kinda funny that the hippos were still watchin’ them. Kinda…

Next week the women are going to tell all. I’m sure the producers have cooked up some juicy catfights and planted the right people in the audience to sneer maniacally when Michelle walks out and to applaud sympathetically when just-dumped Ashley takes the stage. There is bound to be snarkiness and maybe even a crossed leg bobbing up and down (or two? or three?) And I’ll be back on time next week to recap it all.

Don’t forget to “like” us on After the Rose over on Facebook. We always like to hear what you have to say! Catch you next week…

Versailles, Doubloons, and Disinterested Little Kids

2011-02-22T17:11:00.001-08:00

It’s time for the hometown dates! I always look forward to this episode since it takes us out of the humdrum episodes where everyone is all in one place at the same time. Sure it’s fun to watch the cattiness when the girls are all locked up in the same mansion, but getting out to the other cities is a nice change of pace, dontcha think?

It’s also fun to watch how bad the editing gets on these episodes since the producers don’t have much control over where these girls are from. In every home the producers decided to pixilate out certain items. They do this every season and it always leaves me wondering what was back there that was so forbidden on ABC? Did Shawntel’s dad put up pictures of her nude in a coffin? Did Chantal O.’s dad have up a painting of him and his wife dressed as nuns on a Harley? What gives?

There’s plenty to talk about on these hometown dates, so let’s get to it…

Dumbest Fashion Choices:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to Brad during the scenes when he’s flashing back to his times so far with the four remaining ladies. What was up with that dumb cap he had on? It looked like he was part of the cast of Newsies or something. I get that he’s in New York City which calls for a more sophisticated look than when he was in, say Anguilla. But that cap just made him look like he should be yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” on some 1930’s-era street corner. They couldn’t have made him more city-chic by greasing his hair back and putting him in a blazer with no tie?

I loved how as they were showing shots of Brad pensively thinking on his balcony overlooking New York they put in the choice sound bite of him saying, “Also…I’m thinking a lot.” Maybe this thing is a Thinking Cap? I guess that could explain a few things, huh?

2. The second award goes to Chantal O., who during her entire time with Brad wore an outfit that made her look like a United Airlines flight attendant circa 1985. What was the deal with the red, white, and blue scarf? It didn’t move the entire time. And paired with the dark clothes, her whole look screamed, “Thank you for flying the friendly skies! Coffee? Tea? Or me?”

Longest Streets in America:

Apparently, Seattle has some awesomely long streets in it. When Chantal O. tells Brad that she lives four streets away from her parents and hangs out there a lot for dinner, we all go, “Awww…how nice!” Brad and Chantal O. hang at her place for a while with her little yappy dog who doesn’t bite Brad and two cats who couldn’t care less about him (foreshadowing of Emily’s daughter later in the show?)

When it comes time to go four streets away to meet the parents, Brad and Chantal O. hop in the black SUV and drive…and drive…and drive, all the while talking away. How long does it take to drive four streets in Seattle? I’ve been there a few times and nothing seemed THAT long.

Coolest House from the Outside:

This goes to Chantal O. Did anyone else see the front of her house and automatically think, “BRADY BUNCH!” There was something about it – the lines, the façade, the landscaping – that made me think Mike and Carol Brady were going to be inside all lined up on the banister of the staircase with the six kids ranged from tallest to shortest. Am I way off base here?

The interior did not match the exterior at all. Chantal’s bachelorette pad is actually pretty nice and modern (even though the show made her light the ubiquitous candles during the daytime…)

Pet Name That Inspires the Most Foreshadowing:

One of Chantal’s cat’s names is Jinxie. As in “I hope I don’t jinx this whole thing and end up pushing Brad away, so let me press my boobs out further while we sit and chat!”

Biggest Surprise of the Show:

This has to go to Chantal O.’s parents’ house. Was that even a house? I think we should call it Versailles and leave it at that. I had read on the spoiler pages that Chantal comes from some money and that her dad was a racecar driver in his day, but I had no idea that her family was THAT wealthy. How tall were those front doors? Like three stories each? And that “living room” where they all chatted at first? Those ceilings must have been at least four stories high. I expected King Louis and his court to appear at any moment and order someone’s head chopped off.

And didn’t you love how they had to showcase every inch of the house by taking every permutation of one-on-one discussions and staging them in different rooms? We got to see Dad’s study, the wine cellar (how many HUNDREDS of bottles were piled up behind Brad and Dad in that scene?), and even some sort of courtyard outside where there is a giant statue. Like GIANT statue. Like “bigger-than-the-statue-of-David” giant statue. I loved how Dad and Brad had to do a “one up” of how far each of them and their ancestors had come to get to where they are now. The conversation went something like this:

“My grandfather was a mason.”

“So was mine, but he had to lay the bricks backwards at night in a snowstorm with no shoes on. He worked hard.”

“I used to lay bricks too.”
“So did I, but I didn’t get paid for it.”

“Grunt grunt!”

“Man sound, man sound!”

(or something like that, anyway…)

And did you notice how DARK everything was in that place? Even during the broad daylight there was zero natural light coming in anywhere. I’m sure the producers LOVED lighting that whole scenario.

These folks are definitely rolling in the dough, but the producers made sure to let us know that they earned every penny and worked hard for all they have. Unlike Chantal. This whole Versailles thing explains why her house is so swanky when her job is an admin assistant at her dad’s business. If you were Brad, you would totally tap into all this wealth, no? My money is on Chantal O’s boobs for the win here.

Saddest Commentary on Our Society:

How sad is it that every girl who brought Brad back to her parents’ house had to knock on the door and ring the doorbell first? Don’t they have keys to their own parents’ houses? I do. Is that weird? Maybe the producers made them knock so we could get those really shrill screams of happiness and doubling over in elation that greeted all of the waiting families on the other side of the door? I dunno, but I think it’s pretty sad when kids are locked out of the houses where they grew up.

MILF-iest Mom of the Hometown Dates:

This of course goes to Chantal’s mom, who is a cross between Marie Osmond, Angelina Jolie, and Linda Gray (Sue Ellen from Dallas). She perched on her little throne in the sitting room and pouted those giant lips and waved around that tightly packed (yet strangely visible) cleavage for Brad to check out. I’m sure Brad was relieved to get a preview of coming attractions when he met Chantal’s mom. She even had on chunky jewelry, which makes her Bachelor cool these days, I guess.

And did you just love that her name is Billie Joe? It somehow fit her so well, but I don’t know why.

Most Obvious Wardrobe Malfunction of the Night:

When we first meet Chantal’s family, we see her younger brother Connor in the mix in his red jersey and sports-style clothes. Then we cut to dinnertime and everyone is wearing what they were wearing earlier except for him. The producers have obviously noticed how damned dark this house is and how your eye naturally went to the bright red color he was wearing, and so they have made him change into a black hoodie-style thing and sit on the other side of the table away from the main event. Poor Connor.

Best Pirate Impersonation of the Night:

This goes to Dentist Ashley who is wearing giant silver earrings that could double as pirate doubloons in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Arrrrr, me maties! In search of me buried treasure, are ya?

Most Disgusting Regional Cuisine:

After his sophisticated time at Chez Chantal’s Folks, Brad next has to rough it and brave the wilds of northernmost Maine. And instead of getting to see her house and meet her pets (since Ashley doesn’t even live here anymore), Brad has to settle for some time alone at the restaurant where Ashley WORKED THE BAR in HIGH SCHOOL! Did you all pick up on that too? How does someone legally work the bar when they are still under 21? I guess they interpret laws differently out in the middle of French-patois nowhere.

Anyway, Dentist Ashley tells Brad he just HAS to order the local favorite dish – “poutine” (I had to look it up to know how to spell it since it kept sounding like they were saying “puts in”. I was so bummed when I realized I wouldn’t be able to make some sort of double-entendre with “puts-in” in the blog this week. Ah well…) This dish consists of fries, cheese, and gravy. This didn’t sound too bad until I saw it. And let me tell you, you can call it any French name you’d like, but that plate still looked like a heap of greasy fries with crap dripping all over it. I can guarantee you would not find that dish anywhere near a real French restaurant. Every French ancestor of Ashley’s is rolling over in his/her grave as Ashley makes num-num sounds and feeds Brad a greasy fry dripping with gravy. To each his/her own, but I think I’ll pass on the poutine next time I’m up in Mooseland.

One of my favorite lines of the night comes from Brad at this point when he looks down at the disgusting mess in front of him and opines, “This looks SO much better than sushi!” Huh? Why is he comparing THOSE two dishes? Why sushi? Why not, “This looks SO much better than dog food”? or, “This looks SO much better than that crap Chantal’s mom made me eat”?

Lamest Language Lesson:

Next, Ashley titters at the lame way Brad tries to order his “French” food. She reassures him that he’s doing fine, like they have moved to downtown Paris and his life depends on knowing his way around the language. Then, in a head-slapping “I coulda had a V-8!” moment, Brad accidentally answers “sí” to the woman who brings them their food. Oh NO! he answered, “Sí”!

After this major cultural faux pas (do you like how I snuck some French in there?) we have to endure a cringe-worthy rehashing of the event by Brad as he tells us that “sí” is SPANISH (wait for the head slap), not FRENCH! Did y’all get that? He’s in a French-speaking place and he answered in SPANISH! And to add to the moment, the producers at this point decide to start piping in the dumbass soundtrack that seems to follow Brad everywhere.

I’m not sure why Brad and the producers decided to emphasize this all so much since it just points out again how dumb Brad seems. I can’t wait for them to go to South Africa next week and have Brad lament to us, “I’m nervous since I don’t know how to speak South African!”

Best Sign That She’s Not the Girl for You:

As Brad opens wide to have Dentist Ashley feed him a greasy fry, she peers into his mouth and tells him that she saw his crown. Really, Ashley? You really want Brad to feel self-conscious about what’s in his mouth when this is your only alone time with him for a long while? You can’t tell him how huge his arms look even though they are buried underneath all of those layers? Or how sexy his smile is? You have to go right for the crown in the back of his mouth?

Um, Brad…she’s not the girl for you (plus, she says “Like” WAY too much. Can you imagine her as your dentist? “Um…like, I’m gonna like totally need you to like open wide now, OK?”)

Idea That Would Work the Least Well in My Neighborhood:

Didn’t you smile nostalgically at the “Honor System” to pay for all of the fresh fruits and veggies? That would never fly where I live. That food would be gone in a flash and the money box along with it. It’s nice that the producers have pointed out a really good place for you to go if you ever want an easy robbery job where no one will see you steal a cash box. Thanks for that, guys.

Most Surprising Sibling of the Night:

Dentist Ashley so far has been portrayed as bubbly and perky, if not a little sloshy and pinkie-sticking-out-y when she’s sipped too much. She’s the quintessential sorority girl out of college – squeaky clean Breck girl looks and reputation, but trying to show a more serious, professional side as well.

So how totally unprepared were we for meeting her sister? Out in the middle of nowhere-Maine all of a sudden appears this chick who is COVERED in tattoos. She has her sleeves rolled up and we can see them coursing down her arms. But the better prize awaits, because just as I am about to make a crack about the chunky jewelry hanging on her chest, I realize it’s tattoos TOO! This girl has them coming up her CLEAVAGE! Score! I love that the producers didn’t make her cover them up at all. They could have made her wear some black hoodie like poor Connor, but no. They chose just to let her have it all hang out. I couldn’t stop staring at all the artwork and wondering how much it must HURT to get a tattoo on your breastbone. OUCH!

And it’s icing on the cake that this sister’s name is Chrystie. She joins a long list of Bachelor and Bachelorette wannabes who don’t know how to spell their own names (how’s life treatin’ you these days Alli with no “E”?)

Most “Riches to Rags” Moment:

While Chantal’s dad talks to Brad in the wine cellar stoked with fine vintages from all over the world, the atrium, the courtyard, and all other parts of his vast estate, it appears that Ashley’s dad takes Brad out to what used to be a garage that has now been turned into a Man Cave. This is definitely a step down for ol’ Brad. I’m not knocking that Ashley’s family obviously has less money than Chantal’s, but it’s gotta register on Brad’s radar that if he picks Ashley he’s going to be watching the Super Bowl with her dad in a freezing cold garage, and if he picks Chantal he’ll get to watch it in an actual home theater with heated chairs and table service. I think the choice is obvious, right?

Biggest Producer Lie of the Season:

As Brad is chatting in the Man Cave/garage with Dentist Ashley’s dad, Dad accidentally lets slip that Ashley IS NOT EVEN A DENTIST YET! Wait, you mean that every time you’ve been flashing her name up on the screen with her hometown and the word “dentist” underneath, that you knew she wasn’t even a dentist yet? Dad says she’s still in school. Oh my god. Now I REALLY don’t want Ashley anywhere near my mouth. Pinkie down, sweetheart, pinkie down…

This paints her in a whole new light now. Before I thought that she was an actual dentist with patients, a practice, and one of those chairs that Brad can get busy in with her after hours. But now we come to realize that’s all been a sham perpetuated by the producers. Dentist Ashley is actually Dentist-in-Training Ashley, which is too much to type, so she’ll just go back to being Ashley for now.

Funniest Ad for a Mortuary:

It was Bachelor GOLD that they dug up that ad with Shawntel and her family pimping out their funeral home, wasn’t it? Classic! I’m sure that got her lots of play on the mean streets of Chico. I’m guessing it’s pretty tough to make your mortuary ad stand out, but they made sure Shawntel was right there all dolled up. Actually, out of all of the ladies left she is the most naturally hot. The other three I am guessing are the types that are so made up that you wouldn’t even recognize them in the morning without their makeup on and their hair done. Shawntel seems like the most naturally beautiful of the group.

Creepiest Date of the Night:

The set-up for this one was huge, and it didn’t disappoint. Of course the winner of this is Brad’s date with Shawntel at the mortuary. The producers do it up right by playing dirge-y organ music that sounds like it’s straight out of Phantom of the Opera (the black and white movie, not the Andrew Lloyd Weber one. I have standards, y’know…)

After touring where the bodies are cremated (shudder) and cracking jokes about death in front of the actual remains of people in the crematorium, the two skip merrily down the hall to the embalming room. Here, Brad makes the unwise decision to get himself up on the table like he’s at his physical and he’s ready to turn and cough. Instead of Shawntel’s hands cupping his privates, though, he is subjected to all of the instruments of death Shawntel has at her disposal and gets a blow-by-blow of the process she goes through to embalm bodies. It takes all the way until Shawntel starts talking about draining the carotid artery for Brad to finally say, “Yeah…this is really weird.” Brad, the Weird Train left the station about half-past touring where the bodies are burned.

Hottest Siblings:

Wow…Shawntel’s sisters are as good-looking as she is. Totally hot. They are named Destiny and Vanessa too which sound like porn star names already when you add them to Shawntel. Funny that they both have the blonde hair, blue-eyed thing going on while Shawntel has the dark, sultry thing happening. I’m guessing that their mortuary gets a lot of business just through these three girls alone, right?

Worst Way to Tell Your Dad You Don’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Your Whole Life:

Poor Shawntel’s dad. He’s all excited to see his daughter and meet her new beau. Dinner goes great. Lots of scintillating small talk. And then during his alone time with her Dad gets the bomb dropped on him. If Brad chooses Shawntel in the end, she’ll most likely blow this death joint and not carry on Dad’s side of the family business. Poor Dad seems blindsided by this. In one fell swoop, all of his dreams for his daughter taking over his business so he can retire in Boca just flew out the window like mortuary smoke (Did I just SAY that?! Yes…I did…) This is how Shawntel tells him? On national TV? Not too classy. Shawntel.

Worst Way to React When Your Daughter Has Just Told You That She Doesn’t Want to Be an Embalmer in Chico Her Whole Life:

So after hearing the news, Dad does what any self-respecting parent would do and turns on the guilt BIG TIME. He starts off by reminding Shawntel this wasn’t the plan she talked about with him. “You’re making a U-turn here,” he tells her. When it’s obvious that this tack won’t work, he brings out the big guns and reminds her that one of her high school teachers tragically lost a child while Shawntel was out gallivanting around the world with Brad. “She desperately needed you,” he reminds her. Really, Dad? You’re gonna play it like that? I get that you’re nervous about all of your plans being destroyed, but really. Have you SEEN your daughter? Did you really think she was going to hang in Chico at a mortuary her whole life? Bad move, Dad.

Creepiest Family Portrait:

I love looking in the backgrounds of the shots while they film at the parents’ houses. You get some great insight into the people who live there. In Shawntel’s family’s case, what was up with that super weird painting of the three girls the camera decided to zoom in on and hold for a few seconds? Was that set up to add to the creepiness factor already present on this date? None of the girls looked even remotely like they do in real life. Shawntel was unrecognizable. The girls all had super elongated faces and appeared like caricatures, but morbid ones. I think dad should be hanging this on the wall of his office at the mortuary, not in the middle of the living room.

Least Interested in Having Anything to Do With Brad:

This goes to Little Ricky (“Babaloo!”), Emily’s girl. It was painfully awkward to watch Brad try to break through to her. Of course the producers were setting us up for a big emotional moment when she started to open up and actually bond with him, but this didn’t really ever happen. Yes, they tried to show us shots of her flying her lame kite that the producers bought for Brad and told him to give her to break the ice. Yes, they played Candyland together. Yes, he helped tuck her in at night. Yes, she drew him a picture of flying a kite. But in the end, all Brad got was a thank you and a sorta smile and we got 10,000 edits of faked giggling foleyed in on top of shots where no one’s mouth was giggling at all or when everyone’s back was turned to us.

Little kids know a lot about people without saying a word. They are like pets that way. Mark my words. If Brad ends up choosing Emily in the end, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Little Ricky (“That’s Vita-meata-vegimin!”) will turn into that girl from Firestarter for sure.

Overstatement of the Season:

We see that Emily too lives in a huge, gorgeous house. If she wasn’t legally married to the racecar driver, I wonder where she got all of that cash from? Why didn’t we meet her parents? Do they help her out? She doesn’t live in a place like that being a non-profit charity event organizer like her subtitle says, that’s for sure.

As she lets Brad into Chez Emily, she tells us that she has a very boring, humdrum life. She worries that Brad, “…might not like the simplicity of my life.” Wait…the WHAT now? Did you all check out that little girl’s room complete with full-sized playhouse and every stuffed animal and toy known to mankind? THAT is simple? Or how gigantic that house is for one woman and her little girl? THAT is simple? Overstatement of the year for sure.

Strangest Nickname:

I get that Emily wants to shield Little Ricky (“Luuuuuucy! I’m hooooome!”) from all the bad dates and one-night stands she’s ever had, but why did she keep insisting on calling Brad “Mr. Brad”? So strange. Why not just “Brad”? If they got married, I assume that’s what the little girl would call him. Calling him Mr. Brad just made him seem like the male nanny.

Biggest Blown Opportunity:

Wow, Brad. You finally have a hot girl all to yourself. She says it’s been AGES since she last, you know, “got busy” (Pshaw…yeah right!) So what do you do? You push aside the dishes of congealed mac and cheese on the table in front of you and ravish her like the sweet young thing she is? Nope. Not our Brad. He’s a stand-up guy and tells Emily that with her daughter sleeping just upstairs he wants to respect their family and not put the moves on ol’ Em.

To our shock, Emily is actually totally disappointed by this, as if she were expecting Brad to just do the deed right there on the TV room floor. She even tells him that in not so many words and arches her eyebrows and looks away demurely, but Brad ain’t havin’ any of that. He’s going to play the “I’m a stand-up gentleman from Texas who respects women even if they want to get horizontal within earshot of their daughter” card.

You blew it, Big Guy. All you get is a smooch in the doorway on the way out. (And P.S….how much did you want the kid to come walking down the staircase asking for a drink of water JUST as they were making out? How perfect would THAT have been?)

Worst Dress at the Rose Ceremony:

Ouch, Chantal O. That red dress was too tight and too shiny. I’m all for flaunting what you got, but there was nothing flattering about that dress at all.

Didn’t she looked packed in there and super-uncomfortable throughout the whole ceremony.

Least Surprising Scene:

We all knew Shawntel was going to get dumped. I think the writing was pretty much on the wall for that happening once the creepy Phantom organ music started playing. The poor thing tells us that she didn’t see it coming, though, and cries in the back of the limo as she tells us she really saw her and Brad getting married. She rubs her forehead a lot and tells us wistfully, “I’ll miss him.” Poor Shawntel. I’m guessing that if things don’t work out in the Big City, that there’s a small town in Chico that’s itchin’ to get its sexiest embalmer back again.

Most Interesting Preview Scenes:

Apparently next week’s episode is all set to music from The Lion King since that’s the only style of music we hear in the background. From what I could see, I’m most looking forward to the huge lion roar that will undoubtedly symbolize Brad’s sexual prowess, Emily freaking out about the Fantasy Suite card, and Brad wearing a tailored suit and leaning pensively on a railing out in the middle of the African savannah. It will all be great, I’m sure!

Preview of Why Brad and Emily Should Never Be Together:

In the closing credits we get to see Bard and Em all homey and makin’ mac and cheese in her kitchen. He’s playing up the “I’m such a guy and I don’t know how to cook” thing. At one point she turns to him and says, “You DO need a woman in your life.” To which he answers, “Did you just call me dude?” And…scene. Please keep these two as separate from each other as possible. The dullness and vapidity (is that even a word? If not, I just made it up here.) are mind-numbing and if these two ever bred the results could be catastrophic. Let’s hope she freaks out in the Fantasy Suite next week and bolts back to Charlotte.

And with that, we wrap up another episode of hometown dates. We’re down to the Final Three next week which means my favorite episode, The Women Tell All, is just around the corner. Can’t wait!

As always, come on over and “Like” us on Facebook at After the Rose. I’m starting to feel self-conscious that no one is even reading any of these even though I see how many hits I generate throughout the week from all over the world. Drop a line! Leave a comment. We’d love to chat.

Until next week…

Dr. Evil, Bob Marley's Second Cousin Twice Removed, and Sippy Chicks

2011-02-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

Before we dive into the dirt from last night’s episode, I’d like to offer an apology. Last week’s blog sucked. I rushed to get it done and the quality definitely suffered. I could have done a much better job if I’d had more time, and I apologize it wasn’t up to snuff. As in the actual show, they can’t all be winners. You’ve got to have some crazies and some losers too. Consider that my “Michelle” blog and let’s just call it even, OK? Onward…

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to Britt who has said about twelve words this entire season, but is the first girl interviewed in Anguilla. Like Alli last week, we hear Britt’s frustration at not having had any one-on-one time with Brad thus far. This does not bode well for ol’ Britt, who we know from past experience will get dumped some time before the night is through. This was Alli’s exact storyline last week: “Wah, wah, wah! I never get alone time with Brad! I’m getting lots of interview time all of a sudden! I got the one-on-one date! But I’m boring and there’s no chemistry so I’m getting dumped!” It’s also a bit disconcerting to see how many piercings Britt has in her ear at any one time. Brad won’t go for a girl like that, guaranteed.

Dumbest Line of the Night:

This goes to Emily, who when the helicopter shows up to whisk them away on her one-on-one date with Brad chirps, “You do too much on our dates!” like Brad has anything to do with any part of the planning. Does Emily really think that Brad phones ahead to the helicopter company and the people who own the private island to see if they can help him out with his “special date”? Does she really think Brad buys the champagne and the picnic lunch ahead of time? Does she really think that Brad was even responsible for assigning this date to Emily? She is totally deluded if she thinks any of this. The producers tell Brad where to go and what to do and orchestrate every second of it themselves.

Dr. Evil Award:

This whole season I’ve painted Brad as a dumb-as-a-stump, deer in the headlights, there’s nothing going on behind those eyes type of guy. But did anyone else catch his near-maniacal laughter as Emily and he landed on the private island? There were several shots of him laughing with a very creepy tone. Is this how he normally laughs? If so, I can see why he’s been dateless for so long. No amount of broad shoulders or bulging biceps can cure that.

But maybe there’s another side to Brad I hadn’t seen before? Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he is smarter than I’m giving him credit for and is actually an evil mastermind behind a whole Bachelor plot where he knows that the whole thing is faked and is giggling maniacally at us because he thinks we’re falling for it? Whatever the reason, those laughs were pretty creepy…kinda like Dana Carvey doing a George Bush laugh as the devil.

Least Creative Place Names:

OK…so apparently Anguilla is a gorgeous tropical island paradise full of azure seas, glorious beaches, and friendly people. Why then, for the love of all things calypso, would they come up with such boring, self-evident place names? When Brad and Emily land on their own private sandy island, it’s not called something intriguing and Caribbean-y like “Castaway Island” or “Pirates’ Lair Island”. No…Anguilla had to pull out all the stops and name this sandy island “Sandy Island”. Really, guys?

Later on, during his date with Britt, they find themselves climbing up rocks to jump off into a little bay of water, and, of course, Anguilla has named this little bay “Little Bay”. C’mon, Anguilla…how about “Lovers’ Leap”? Or “Swirling Bay of Certain Death”? You had to call it “Little Bay”? Where’s the creativity there? You guys need to try way harder if you want anyone to even know where you are on a map.

And while we’re on the subject of Sandy Island, did anyone else notice the thousands of footprints that were already there before the helicopter even landed? Once I saw those, it didn’t really feel like a private island for only the two of them to share. It felt like the camera guys, producers, boom operators, directors, script writers, photographers, and various and sundry flunkies all had their way with that island before Brad and Emily even got close to it.

Mother Who Should Be the Most Worried:

This one goes to Emily. What’s with Brad’s obsession with meeting her daughter? They have gone out on two dates on a faked reality show. Where does it say that meeting her little girl and causing her psychological damage when she bonds with a self-serving, shallow stud for a week before he cheats on her mother is a pre-requisite for moving forward in this game?

On this one-on-one date Brad sorta puts down an ultimatum that he has to meet Emily’s daughter if he’s going to make a decision about moving forward with her. “It’d be huge if you’d allow me!” he grunts in his caveman monotone, and she rightfully waffles. Then Brad pulls out the big guns and tells her that this is all getting so real and she looks at him with puppy dog eyes.

Any fan of I Love Lucy got a kick out of Emily referring to her daughter as “Little Ricky”, right? Every time Brad kept pressing the point of meeting Ricky, I kept picturing her as a pint-sized Cuban kid pounding out Babaloo on her conga drum at the Tropicana.

We see a ton of stupid sun and moon symbolism and they go back and forth and nothing gets resolved about the meeting, but they do manage to find time to get busy making out in the waves, so I guess all is not lost. But Emily should tread lightly with this whole “Can I meet your kid?” thing. Mark my words…

Best “Goin’ Rogue” Moment:

This goes to Brad as he throws the rulebook to the wind and tells Emily flat out that she’s getting a rose tonight. Oh no! Brad just broke the rules! Now the producers are going to have to fire him from the show even though it’s almost done and find a replacement to go all the way back to the start and begin all over again, costing millions and millions of dollars! Does anyone really think this show has “rules” like that? And if they do and Brad actually broke a major one, do you really think the show would let us SEE that?

A close second for this is Brad telling Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision. This doesn’t really count as a “rogue” move, though, since it’s been done by others before.

Most Bummed Out to Hear Her Date Card Being Read:

Poor Shawntel the undertaker. She scores a surprise one-on-one date with Brad, but her Date Card says, “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla.” Doesn’t that make it sound like she and Brad are going scouting for whores? Isn’t that exactly what Rush Limbaugh said he was doing when he got caught at the airport with all of that Viagra on his way to the Caribbean? What kind of love does Brad think he will find exactly on the streets of Anguilla? I’ve never been there, but I’m guessing for the right price Brad and Shawntel will be able to find any kind of love they’d like, right?

Sadly for our interest level, the love Brad means is romantic love. So that means the same montage we get every season when the show heads somewhere with a third world element present – lots of pictures of the young lovers mixing it up and having fun with the locals. On this episode Brad and Shawntel jump rope, ride bikes, play dominoes with locals who barely tolerate them, get a thumbs up from Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed, sip coconut milk straight out of the coconut just like the locals do, and get told by a woman who you know they casted for in Hollywood to play the part of mysterious soothsayer/matchmaker that they are in love and make a great couple. It’s all so…so…so…REAL, isn’t it?

Most Inappropriately Dressed:

This also goes to Shawntel, who apparently was not told she’d be straddling a bike and jumping rope on her date. She shows up in a very tight sarong-thing that makes spreading her legs a bit of a challenge to say the least. On second thought, maybe that was a good thing in the long run?

Worst Eye Contact:

Did anyone else notice how Shawntel almost never looks Brad directly in the eyes? She’s always looking down or away or has her eyes closed. What’s that about? Hiding much, Shawntel? Brad is telling you about his parents’ divorce and his dad never being there and all you can do is look off to the side. What’s so distracting over there? Is Michelle making faces? Is Chris Harrison skinny-dipping? Do tell…

Worst Editing Job of the Night:

After Brad and Shawntel eat dinner, the rain starts to pour down hard. They even comment on it and we see shots of it streaming out of the sky. But then there is a cut to them making out and there is no rain falling anymore. Then another cut…no rain. Then a different angle, and it’s pouring again. They just don’t even try with this stuff anymore, do they?

Worst Surprise of the Season:

So Brad has just taken Shawntel on what she calls her “perfect date” for the day and then they have topped the day off with a romantic dinner and making out in the (edited) rain. Brad then announces he has yet ANOTHER surprise in store, and Shawntel is most likely envisioning another shopping trip in Vegas or at the very least a peek at Brad’s naughty bits.

But no…Shawntel’s hopes are dashed when their date is suddenly invaded by a bunch of partiers all waiting to hear some locally famous reggae guy play a concert right next to them. All of a sudden their one-one-one time has become one-on-a-hundred-and-a-grizzled-looking-reggae-singer time. Total buzz kill. We can even watch as Shawntel has to muscle her way through the crowd so she can catch a glimpse of the singer. Poor thing. She’s gonna end the night with hickeys AND bruises…

Falsest Advertising:

Britt’s Date Card said, “Let’s sail on the sea of love,” but I cry foul on that. Doesn’t that line sound romantic? Doesn’t it conjure images of romantic sunsets and moonlit nights gracefully bobbing in the open sea? Well, for Britt, apparently, it means you have to swim out to your own boat. It also means that everyone calls that boat a yacht, when it most obviously is just a big boat. When one thinks of yachts, one imagines gigantic vessels with graceful appointments and luxurious décor. This tub was just a big, white boat. We didn’t even get to see the inside of it since the producers knew that it would suck and we’d figure them out. This is not Donald Trump’s yacht or the Sultan of Oman’s yacht. This is Bob Marley’s second cousin twice removed’s fishing boat, and we all know it.

To top it off, this cruise on the “sea of love” Is marked by high winds that blow Britt’s hair everywhere and even cause the tablecloth to blow on top of the candles. Apparently some pretty strong rain showers moved through at some point. Did anyone else notice all the drops falling off of all of the metal railings? And these storms start the boat pitching and rocking so hard that even I was getting seasick watching the background rise and fall above them as they ate. Nothing about this date was romantic or even remotely connected to setting sail on the sea of love.

And, of course, Britt (who thinks she can’t be dumped on this date) gets dumped on this date and doesn’t get to make a walk of shame out to a limo. No, poor Britt gets to be ferried back to the mainland (didn’t you want to see them make her walk the plank and swim for it herself? I wonder if Kasey is still stranded out on that glacier?), and then have to let herself back in to the girls’ villa to pack her stuff and explain to everyone else why she’s crying and upset. Didn’t you just love how the producers told the girls to over-emote as Britt walked through the door to pack? Never in the history of the show have we seen any girls more excited to see someone come back from a date, but the show made sure we saw it last night to heighten the tension when Britt finally has to admit that she just got dumped. Awesome move, producers!

Most Blatant Product Tie-In of the Show:

This would of course be the “fashion shoot” that Dentist Ashley, Crazy Michelle, and Chantal O’s boobs have for Sports Illustrated. I wonder why they chose a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot for these girls? It couldn’t be because the actual swimsuit issue came out today, could it? What an amazing coincidence of timing!

I haven’t seen the magazine yet, but I’m gonna guess Chantal O. gets to be the one inside since Dentist Ashley runs around screaming how she has no boobs and Michelle just basically turns the whole shoot into a porn production with her steamy make out session with Brad. Although, did you hear the photographer ooh and aah over how Dentist Ashley could do an “Oh what a feeling!” jump in the air and kick her feet out? It was like he’d never seen anyone jump before. “Great! Keep going! One more time!” So maybe Ashley DOES make it into the magazine?

Sippiest Chick:

I mentioned before that Dentist Ashley should not be sippin’ on the all of the booze that the producers foist on these people. A few episodes ago she embarrassed herself and got all half-lidded and pinkie-sticking-out and slurred words at a pool party. On this episode she did the same and it wasn’t pretty. This girl needs to stick with the Crystal Geyser.

Most Contrived Scene:

This one is the toughest to decide, but I’m going to give it to Brad deciding to give the rose on the Group Date to Dentist Ashley. After we have heard him say to Crazy Michelle that he thinks all of their conversations are deep and how easy it is to talk with her, and after he makes out with Chantal O. and walks on the sea floor near Catalina with her and lends her his shirt, he ends up giving THIS rose to Dentist Ashley. This predictably sets off Chantal O. who immediately crumples into a pit of despair and depression as the sad strings well up behind her and she wipes her face a lot. It couldn’t have been choreographed better – give the rose to the woman you have the least connection with and watch the waterworks (or eye daggers in Crazy Michelle’s case) turn on full blast from the others.

Freakiest Reoccurring Theme:

OK…I haven’t been commenting this season on the blue lights that show up everywhere somehow backlighting every scene. But last night’s sighting of them was just too good to pass up. As the girls arrive for the cocktail party, we see the name of the hotel is “Le Bleu”, which means “The Blue” en francais. And as they walk through the grounds to get to Brad, what is everywhere along the way lighting up the fountains and pools and shining up walls? Yup…you guessed it…the blue light. It’s a whole freakin’ HOTEL of blue lights! Right there in Anguilla! Who knew?

Most “Are You Even Listening to Him?” Line:

As Brad explains to Chris Harrison that he doesn’t need the final cocktail party to make his decision tonight, he says, “I’m very clear in my decision,” to which Chris of course responds, “It seems like you’re clear.” News flash, Chris. You get a lot of crap on this show for coming off as shallow, unintelligent, and too hook-nosed. I’ll let you guess which of the three categories this line falls under.

Hugest Disappointment of the Season:

So in the end Brad gives roses to Emily (we knew this already since he went rogue and told her he would do it), Chantal’s boobs, and Shawntel (since he’s always heard about what a kickass party town Chico is and he’s totally stoked for beer bong hits and toga parties). That means Crazy Michelle is finally toast.

We wring our hands expectantly and shift a little closer to the TV in preparation for the fireworks explosion of venom and vitriol that we know will begin coursing out of Michelle’s mouth as it dawns on her that fake eyebrows and porn sessions in the sand aren’t enough to win Brad’s heart.

Alas, we get none of that. What we see are several shots of Michelle looking surprised and arching her eyebrows, then Brad walking her to the car while she tells him “probably not” when he asks if he can hold her hand, then her telling him she doesn’t want to talk, then a weird montage of her pushing herself down sideways into the back seat of the car and twitching in a weird way. And that’s it.

Wait…that’s IT?! They have set this chick up to be the be-all and end-all of crazy chicks on this show. We’ve gotten every catty one-liner from her and every stalker-y pose and thought from her. She gets dumped on national TV and we only get to see her rubbing her face on the naugahyde of a lame Anguilla LIMO?! Where are the quippy retorts back to Brad? Where are the throw-down lines to the remaining ladies about what she really thinks of them? Where is her emotional meltdown in the back of the car? Where’s the CRAZY?

This is, frankly, one of the biggest letdowns in recent Bachelor history. All of that set-up for nuttin’. Michelle comes in like a lion and goes out like an old porn star. Good riddance, Michelle. Hope your eyebrows grow back some day and that you finally make it out of that beauty shop in Salt Lake City where you worked once so the producers put that down under your name every time you appeared on screen since you really live in LA and work as a model now. We’ll miss you!

Epilogue:

We can already tell who’s gonna get dumped next week during the previews. We see Brad having fun and smiling with Chantal O’s boobs and with Emily and her daughter, but the music turns all creepy as he visits Undertaker Shawntel’s work and lies down on the embalming table and tours the beautiful furnace where they turn humans into ashes. Remember the hometown date Ali went on where one guy’s dad did taxidermy and the psycho music played the whole time? That guy was toast within the hour.

The credits are supposed to be funny when two of the girls sneak up on a snoozing Dentist Ashley as she dozes outside, but it all just really makes me feel jealous that I want some place in the middle of February where it’s warm enough to sleep outside under the stars in my swimsuit. It IS kinda funny to see Ashley call the other girls “You f***ers!” as they run away, but otherwise, I wish that were me snoozin’ in paradise.

OK, Bachelor fans. That’s a wrap for this week. Hope this blog is better than last week’s. I promise to try harder, although it’s going to be tough since we’re down to all of the boring girls now. Everyone with personality (except you Britt…you were just plain boring the whole time you were there) is gone now. Catch you next week for the hometown dates, and please don’t forget to “Like” us over on Facebook at After the Rose!

Indiana Jones, Spelunking, and Taye Diggs

2011-02-09T22:08:00.001-08:00

Well, it was finally fun to watch The Bachelor again this week! I don’t know why moving the whole thing to Costa Rica made it better this week, but it did, didn’t it? I rarely found my interest wandering. Of course I think it helped not having a five-year-old screaming bloody murder in the other room this week too. Anyway…onward we go…

Most Overused Shot of the Night:

This had to be the shot of the ethereal, moody mist and steam swirling around the volcano as we went in and out of commercial breaks. They showed that shot at least four times. Each time they had to speed it up a bunch to make it look as though the volcano were going to explode at any moment in a torrent of poisonous gas and smoke. If you’ve been to Costa Rica before, you know there are two main volcanoes there. One of them lets off little puffs of steam every hour or so and the other is almost perpetually covered in mist and fog and you can almost never see the top. This was fake Costa Rican volcano at best.

Line of the Night That Invites the Most Smart-Ass Responses:

Brad: “I want to find love here! What better place than Costa Rica?”

Us: “Um…Paris? New York City? San Francisco? Rome? Any place where you don’t have sweat stains on your shirt in almost every shot and where the bugs don’t grow to be football-sized?”

“Why Exactly is This Back Again?” Award:

In true Indiana Jones fashion, the producers made sure we had a caricatured map to show us the flight pattern our young lovelies take to get from Vegas to Costa Rica. What would we do without this helpful visual to show us that Costa Rica is indeed south of Vegas?

“I Can be Just Like Former Bachelors!” Award:

TIE

Both of these, of course, go to Brad who seemed to be doing everything he could last night to imitate the moves of former bachelors.

1. First off, we got several shots of Brad pulling a “Messner” and leaning pensively against railings and staring out into nothingness as his voiceover wander off into thoughts like, “This is getting real,” and, “I’m ready for love.”

2. At several points in the show, Brad also pulls a “Roberto” and sweats through weird parts of his shirt. There are creepy, uneven sweat patches on his chest and stomach and one up on his shoulder at one point. Doesn’t this guy sweat from his pits like everyone else? Who knew Brad was a sweater? The poor guy is downright drenched in several scenes.

Irony of the Evening:

This goes to Michelle, who for the entire episode keeps spouting lines about other girls and why they aren’t right for Brad, but doesn’t realize that what she’s saying actually applies to herself.

Case in point…as she’s chatting with Emily about Chantal, Michelle says: “(Chantal is) really aggressive and really confident, almost like egotistical.” At another point after they have rappelled down the rock wall on the Group Date Michelle says, “Jackie, bless her heart, is dramatic…It was quite the production.”

Um, Miss Kettle? This is the pot. You’re black.

Best Thrill-Seeker Date of the Night:

Chantal O. definitely wins this one in a landslide. While she gets to whoop it up with Brad zip-lining through the rain forests, the Group Date this week is rappelling down a lame rock wall that the cameras catch at weird angles to make it look more dangerous than it really is. Not even Jackie’s screams or Michelle’s antics at the top could make up for the fact that the Group Date was just lame. Chantal and her breasts got to squeeze up against Brad, sail through the air, and then make an unplanned pit stop in his boudoir after a downpour ruined their picnic. Score one for the rabble-rouser!

“I’m Here Too!” Moment of the Night:

It’s made evident to us that both Alli and Britt have not had one-on-one dates with Brad thus far. As they anxiously await the next Date Card, we get lots of interviews with Alli telling us how she’s really wishing for that alone time. We have nothing from Britt. Not a word. Next Alli goes on and on about how happy it will make her to be alone with Brad. Still not a peep from Britt. Then there’s a knock on the door, the Date Card arrives, it’s for Alli, and still nothing from Britt. At this point in the show, I am sure Britt is going home. Why no reaction from her at all? Is she even there? She’s become the newest member of the invisible cast of this show. That’s what she gets for playing slutty on the bed during the Red Cross PSA shoot.

Best “Screw All Y’all!” Move of the Night:

This has to go to Chantal, who comes home from her date with Brad wearing his shirt. GASP! The girls are all atwitter as they realize the ramifications of this. She could have put on a hotel robe or had the producers bring her some clothes from the suitcase they made her pack, but no. She goes balls out and walks right in wearing his shirt. I loved Michelle’s reaction too: “Brad is NOT Chantal’s man! He is mine!” Who’s wearing his shirt, sweetie?

Funniest Mispronunciation of the Night:

This one is déjà vu all over again as Brad keeps pronouncing the work “rappel” as “repel” during the Group Date. Brad’s trying to lay on his best “I’m a seasoned rock climber” shtick with his “Grab a harness and a helmet” line, but he shows his true colors when he keeps telling everyone that they should act like the opposite ends of magnets to this sad rock wall that makes Jackie scream.

Later in this scene, Michelle gets all mad at Brad because they had made a pact that they were supposed to only “repel together”. Trust me, Michelle, you are doing just fine repelling all by yourself.

Line of the Night:

This, ironically, goes to the woman who we have heard from the least so far this season…Miss Britt. As Jackie kicks and screams her way down the least scary rock wall of all time, Britt tells us, “Jackie may have just soiled herself!” Since we know this chick ain’t winning anything on this show, she may be heartened to know that she could have a career in insult comedy. Paging Triumph?

Survivor Rip-Off of the Night:

Could it have been any more textbook Survivor to have all of those shots of the creepy-crawly critters of the Costa Rican jungle? Slimy, green lizard-y things. Millipede-looking things. Evil, green praying mantises. This episode had them all just so we could make sure that these folks aren’t really staying in a luxury resort that ABC has bought out completely to keep this all private. No, these folks are in the rainforest where things are DANGEROUS and WATCH YOU from the back of palm fronds and moist leaves.

Weirdest Bleep of the Night:

I didn’t catch which girl it was, but at the hot springs during the Group Date, one of them says, “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and BLEEP. I don’t know what else to say!” Is anyone else dying to know what word got bleeped? What could have been so sordid, so dirty for our ears?

Funniest Scene of the Night:

This goes to Brad and Alli, even though they weren’t technically together in this particular scene. During the Group Date, we cut back to the room where Alli and Chantal are hanging out. The producers make sure we get a shot of the gigantic beetle that they have on purpose placed on the table so the girls will see it as they walk near. Alli sees it and completely flips out and says she’s scared to death of bugs. Chantal, ever the sh** stirrer, catches the bug and then pretends to flick it onto Alli, who promptly screams bloody murder and flings her drink all over Chantal and the floor. We get the added fake sound effect of shattering glass even though no glass breaks on the floor.

Cut to Brad out at the natural hot springs, trying to woo the ladies. As he’s putting the moves on Michelle, we clearly can hear Alli’s scream back at the room after Chantal has pretended to throw the bug on her. Brad and Michelle both stop for a beat, shrug their shoulders, and go right back to their vapid conversation. Classic, and I laughed through every second.

Most Bummed to Discover Her Date Card Was Really a Double-Entendre:

Poor Alli. Her Date Card told her to meet Brad at the altar. She of course erroneously thought it had something to do with getting married. Little did she know that she had scored the dreaded creepy date of the season. Instead of walking down the aisle with her, Brad takes her to a 40 million-year-old cave full of bats and giant spiders and creepy Hitchcock music. Wait! You mean the girl who we just saw freak out about a giant bug has to go spelunking with Brad through Creepy Crawly Cave? Yup. That’s the facts for poor Alli. She somehow manages to muddle through and even fakes a kinda smile as they sit on the Altar – a natural rock formation in the cave that’s shaped in the form of a staircase (I don’t get what a staircase has to do with an altar, but I’ll just leave all of that to the Costa Ricans).

Did anyone else notice that the creepy blue light was illuminating the waterfall in this cave? Those producers can work wonders, huh?

“Sucks to be You!” Award:

Our winner this week is Alli. Even though we think she’s been sweet and personable throughout the season, we all of a sudden see that she’s the girl who’s been cast and edited to have zero personality. We hear stilted conversation at dinner, see awkward eyes looking everywhere except at each other, and feel Brad pretending like he wants to get to know her better when what he really wants is to see what Alli will do if he flicks a giant beetle on her.

Alli makes dumping her all the more awkward by telling Brad that her exes all were nice guys, and all had a lot to offer, but she just didn’t want any of it for herself. Cut to sad music since Brad is thinking the same thing about Alli. He tells her she’s attractive (kiss of death) and tells her he can see them hanging out every day, but not falling in love (and she’s OUTTA there!) Some creepy guy comes to the room to take her suitcase, the girls all ooh and ahh, and she gets an interview in the back of a very bouncy car.

“Have You Never SEEN This Show Before?” Award:

This goes to all of the girls once they find out that Michelle went on her own to hang out with Brad. This has been done so much that it’s already a Bachelor cliché. Who can forget Justin “Rated R” on Ali’s season who ~~was chauffeured to Alli’s place by the producers and told to talk to her~~ walked the back roads of Malibu for hours, wandering helplessly trying to find Ali’s place while on crutches? All the guys freaked out then. How did not one of these girls not see that episode? Why are they all so hurt and shocked now? Mostly because they didn’t think of it first and/or have the guts to do it themselves, methinks.

Most Deluded:

Michelle, as she counts on Brad’s fingers the order each girl should be sent home. Later, when she knows the whole group has figured out that she went and visited Brad on her own, she walks into the room with a fake, chirpy, “Hi friends!” when she knows everyone is going to hate her. Nuff said…

First “I Love You” of the Season:

Chantal O. professes her love for Brad and with her huge, dangly earrings of death makes sure that he knows that she really is falling for him. She pushes her boobs together and actually says the words, “I love you” to him. Back home her parents are so proud that their daughter’s breasts have emotions and feelings.

Most Bummed Cast Member:

Mr. Lame-o British Shrink got no airtime this week. What happened? Is Brad cured? Did the producers not want to fork over for the long distance from Costa Rica to his backyard where he sits staring aimlessly into space? Enquiring minds want to know.

So in a surprise move, Brad dumps Jackie even though the producers had set up Britt to be the one to take the Limo Ride of Shame. We liked Jackie because she reminded us of Lea Michelle of Glee fame and Idina Menzell of Taye Diggs fame (yum). But we knew she had no shot, and so we bid her a fond farewell.

In the previews for next week we see they are going to Anguila, which I guarantee not one cast member could have placed on a map before they went there. Of course that doesn’t stop them all from shouting out, “Anguila, BABY!” at every chance they get like drunken sorority girls out for a good time during Spring Break.

The closing credits are pretty funny. Chantal O. has just come back from her date with Brad and the girls’ interactions are interspersed with some funny shots of a praying mantis-type thing busily staring at them. You know this shot was taken at the LA Zoo and edited in later, but the effect is good nonetheless. Of course, the producers throw the poor bug into the group as close to Alli as they can to make it look like it just hopped in there by itself, and of course Alli freaks out, screams, and clocks Britt in the side. Crazy Dentist Ashley next thinks that the bug has gone down her shirt, but everyone pulls a knowing face as she determines that it’s just her microphone making it’s way down her cleavage and not a creepy crawly. All is again right with the world. Phew.

You know the drill. Like us on Facebook at After the Rose! Catch you next week. “Woo-freakin’-HOO! Anguila, BABY!”

Please Stand By!

2011-02-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks. Scheduling conflicts made it so I won't be able to post tonight. I do have LOTS to say about last night's episode, though, so check back in tomorrow afternoon!

Zzzzzzzz......

2011-02-01T22:50:00.001-08:00

So is this season slowly draining itself down the old crapper, or what? Usually while I watch this show I have to pause several times so my typing fingers can keep up with all of the fun one-liners and action happening on the screen, but that was most definitely not happening last night. These ladies are boring me to tears, and no amount of Michelle is changing that. And if she’s the most interesting part of this season, what will happen when Brad eventually dumps her? I honestly have hit the point of “I just don’t care anymore”, but I know I have you loyal readers to consider, and so I soldier on. At least when things are boring I can just stare at Brad’s amazing arms, right?

This episode was especially tough to write about since my five-year-old was having meltdown after meltdown over nightmares while I was trying to watch. This is most definitely a show I do NOT want her watching, so every time she traipsed into the TV room dragging her little blankie behind her, I had to hit the pause button until she was safely back in bed. The things parents do for their kids…

Onward with the awards…

Recycled Idea of the Night:

Two words: Vegas, baby! Every season the guys and girls on this show seem to end up in Vegas. Last season Dave and two girls got their own private pool party (remember Natalie doing ballet on the chaise lounges while the other girl was trying to get one-on-one time with Dave? Classic! Why are there no moments like that THIS time?) And remember that Jason famously dumped Natalie in Vegas after she showed him how shallow and self-absorbed she really was? Vegas is getting tired on this show.

This season finds the girls at the Aria Hotel. We know this because not only do we have shots of the façade with its name every time we fade in and out from commercials, but we also get actual commercials for the Aria in between segments. The suite the girls get to crash in is totally swanked out. But I’m getting bored with Vegas. It’s too easy.

Largest Piece of Jewelry:

I will sing you the “Told you so!” song again. The amount of over-sized jewelry and accessories this season is mind-blowing. I think Michelle wins the award for most over-the-top stuff. Whether it’s that giant ring covering four of her fingers, or all that metallic crap she had strewn around her neck at the final cocktail party, she wears it BIG and she wears A LOT of it.

“We Know You’re Out Tonight” Award:

This of course goes to Marisa and Lisa. Both girls have said a total of about three words between them on screen this entire season, and all of a sudden in this episode we get several interviews with both. This is always the kiss of death on this show. Fade into the background, no airtime, then suddenly front and center? You’re a goner for sure. I could have told them both this at the start of the episode and saved Marisa from wearing that stupid tiara thing in her hair during the last cocktail party, right?

Separated at Birth Award:

Was I the only one last night who REALLY thought that “I touch dead people” Shawntel could be a “dead” ringer for Ali from last season if she dyed her hair? It started getting eerie! Same facial expressions, same smile. Shawntel can rock the party dresses WAY better than ol’ Ali, though, but these two could definitely be related.

Fakest “We’re So Happy for You!” Group Support:

TIE:

1. The first award goes to the girls after they see Shawntel walk back into the hotel suite holding gigantoid bags from every major European designer imaginable. They all tell her how lucky she is as they secretly stare daggers at her and at each other over how much loot she scored. I can just picture Dentist Ashley’s t-shirt made especially for her when she arrives home from this while experience: “I went on The Bachelor and all I got was a ride on a lousy Ferris wheel!” The disparity in money spent on these dates is pretty funny and I love how it makes it look like Brad is favoring some girls over others. It’s fun to watch the girls fake tell Shawntel that she looks pretty in her new, expensive dress and pretend to fawn over all of the big bags when what they really want to do is heave it all out of the window.

2. The second award goes to all of the girls as they watch all of the times Brad pulls Emily aside during this episode. This girl got so much one-on-one time with Brad that she may as well ask for the ring now, right? Even though she was technically on the group date, it was great fun to watch all the girls pretend to feel happy/sorry for her in front of her face, but then rail behind her back about how they felt like they were on a date that was just supposed to be for her and Brad.

Most Disappointed Bachelorette of the Evening:

This goes to Shawntel, who had to be crushed that when her Date Card said, “Let’s end tonight with a bang!” it meant she was watching fireworks from the roof and not getting to be the first girl to check out Brad’s junk close up.

Worst Dinner Conversation Topic Ever Award:

Shawntel, Shawntel, Shawntel…word to the wise. We get what you do for a living. And we get Brad asked you about it. But dear lord, please please PLEASE do not use the words like “leakage”, “orifices”. “vein drain”, or “replace blood” while you are sitting on the roof of a mall with a handsome stud. You might as well have thrown in the words “moist” or “coagulate” just to really make sure Brad heaved up his whole dinner. I was gagging listening to her and I wasn’t even eating. Poor Brad. It must not have scarred him too badly, though, since he ended up giving Shawntel the rose AND telling her that she’s “…the hottest funeral director I’ve ever met!” like there has been more than one.

Most Clued-Out About World Events Award:

Apparently this show was all filmed way before the unrest in Egypt. How else to explain the constant shots of the pyramid and Sphinx in front of the Luxor? Very odd to see this and then see cut-ins for the news about what was going on in the Middle East. They couldn’t have substituted some footage from Circus Circus instead? Was it THAT hard to do? This all seemed in bad taste…

“LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMBBBBBLLLLLLLE!” Award:

Once all of the names of girls going on the group date are read, it becomes immediately apparent that it’s going to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley versus “Crazy Dentist” Ashley on the dreaded two-on-one date. Of course, the drama is heightened as we find out that they are actually best friends on the show, so they are overtly rooting for the other one, but secretly hoping the other one OD’s in the bathtub too. In the least shocking moment of the night, Michelle tells us that she doesn’t care which one goes home. Alert the media.

So now it’s on. Ashley versus Ashley in a Bachelor smackdown to beat all smackdowns. At this point in the evening, I’m hoping that one of them will at least pull out the extensions of the other on top of the table while Brad’s trying to cut his filet mignon. ANYTHING to break up these dreary doldrums…

“Meanest Date of the Show” Award:

Poor Emily. Not only did she lose her racecar-driving fiancé in a plane crash AND end up pregnant with his daughter AND have to tell the story over and over again on this show so she can be set up to be the next bachelorette, but she also gets selected to go on the group date to a RACETRACK. And of course this isn’t just any ol’ racetrack. It’s the exact same racetrack where her fiancé crashed and ended his racing career. AND of course she’s never been behind the wheel of a racecar because her fiancé always drove her and made her feel safe and secure.

But don’t worry about her, y’all. She’s fine and dandy. She can put on a brave face and buck up under the worst of circumstances. That’s what Southern girls do, y’all.

C’mon, producers. What were you thinking here? First you make her fly in a little jet on her first date with Brad, and now you make her haul out to the same racetrack where her fiancé CRASHED?! I love laughing at the drama on this show, but this was all too over-the-top even for me. Mean mean mean (but watchable watchable watchable…)

Most Shocking Word Uttered on the Show:

This goes to Brad when he tells us one of the girls has “tenacity”. Woah, Big Guy. Back down from those high-falutin’ SAT words. You’re a hot guy from Texas. You have an image to uphold now. You can’t go ‘round throwin’ out those polysyllabic words without it coming back to hit you in the nugs one of these days. You’ve been warned.

Best Sign You’re in the Running to Be At Least Top Three on This Show:

We discovered last night that Brad already is calling Emily “Em”. This is a great sign that she’s here to stay for a long while. Why give someone a nickname if you’re not feeling close to her? Maybe it was worth it after all to endure the bad memories, huh?

Best Play of the “Use Tears to Get What You Want” Gambit:

This goes to “I’d like to buy an ‘E”” Alli, who during her alone time with Brad on the Group Date breaks down and tells him, “It’s hard to feel special” with so many girls vying for the prize. This makes her stand out and so during the final cocktail party Brad of course has to make a point of making her feel special by bringing up some champagne and a mini chocolate cake, complete with green frosting to match the dress she wore the night they first met. Gag…

Yeah, like Brad really remembers the color of her dress that night when he’s still got the image of Kickin’ Keltie’s panties emblazoned on his irises. You just know some poor intern on the show had to parse through hours and hours of footage before he found the color of dress and then had to go to the bakery to make sure they matched the frosting with the right shade of green. Brad had nothing to do with any of this, right?

Dueling Mini Dresses Award:

This goes to the Ashleys as they walk out of their suite and through the lobby of the hotel to meet Brad for their date. They looked like a TV ad for Ross. Both of them had on what was essentially the exact same dress, just cut and styled a bit differently. I say “Singing with Seal” Ashley rocked it harder, though. Hers just seemed to fit better and fiercer. What do YOU think?

“I Know I’ve Lost Already Before the Date Has Even Really Begun” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley, who, when she sees that their date will be a competition to see who can spin around up high and be all bendy in the air the best, tells Brad, “My body doesn’t move like that!” and then becomes the saddest sack ever as she realizes that there’s no way she’s sticking around tonight. Did she smile once after she saw the rehearsal? I think not since she knew the writing was on the wall. She even goes off about how on this date she’s not really competing against Crazy Dentist Ashley. She’s competing “against my own demons” whatever those are. Girl, you need to have self-confidence going in, or it’s gonna sting on your way out. Your Cirque is about to get Soleil’ed…

Harshest Dump Line:

This goes to Brad as he tells Ashley that she will make a great wife, but just not for him. Ouch. That pretty much says it like it is, huh Ash?

Best “Pouring Salt into Your Wounds to Make Sure They Hurt Even More” Award:

As if it weren’t bad enough that “Singing with Seal” Ashley gets dumped because she isn’t whirly-twirly enough in Cirque du Soleil, how harsh do you think it was for her to watch the other scenes last night involving her? As she’s breaking down in the back of the limo weeping about how she’ll never find true love, we see shots of Crazy Dentist Ashley and Brad twirling to Elvis music. And the clincher? They of course are twirling to Are You Lonesome Tonight? which “Singing with Seal” Ashley obviously will be. Loved the juxtaposition there. Also loved the shot of the burly guy (why do these guys always have to be burly?) taking away her luggage while the girls all gasp.

It must have really sucked to be “Singing with Seal” Ashley watching that all play out last night at home after the fact. Good luck, “Singing with Seal”. Hopefully Mr. Right is out there somewhere.

Person About Which I Care the Least This Season:

Yuck. Brad’s shrink just rubs me the wrong way. How much do you think he’s getting paid for all of his lame advice? All the while Brad spews his stupid psychological mumbo-jumbo, the psychiatrist is staring off into space out in his backyard somewhere daydreaming about all the cash getting transferred into his bank account since he agreed to do this whole train wreck in the first place. (Side note: Did anyone else keep count and then start laughing out loud at how many times Brad answered, “Yes,” or, “I completely understand,” to this guy? I mean, I’m glad Brad’s off the tenacity train finally, but his answers sunk to a new low of vapidness, even for this show!)

“It’s Time to Get This Girl Home NOW!” Award:

What was up with Michelle at the cocktail party? She basically kidnaps Brad away and then forces him to sit in a chair and listen to her rant about (what else?) how she’s more mature and the other ladies are girls, all the while maintaining super creepy too-close eye contact with him. She doesn’t even allow Brad to speak while she tells him she’s different from the other girls and that she thinks he should go back out there and “…send some girls home now” in her best bossy lady voice. How does he not see what we see? My guess is he does, but that she’s the only quasi-interesting personality left on this season, so the producers are forcing him to keep her until they REALLY get desperate. We haven’t even met her kid yet. Brad won’t dump her until after that date, right?

“Sucks to Be You!” Award:

This goes to both “Stupid Tiara in My Hair That’s Really Just Holding My Hair Back” Marisa and Lisa (who?). While “Singing with Seal” Ashley got dumped and got to sob her troubles away in a swanky limo, these two girls only get taxi cabs. And Marisa…get ready for it…actually has to get shuttled away in a JEEP taxi! Obviously this show plays favorites, and obviously neither of these two was the favorite this season. Sucks to be you, girls. Do you think they had to pay their own fares?

Most Overly Melodramatic Line of the Evening:

Lisa (who?) after she’s been dumped tells us, “This just makes me question EVERYthing!” Really, Lisa (who?)? Everything? So you’re saying that your entire life, your entire identity was created around falling in love and getting married to this guy? Maybe that’s a really good sign that it’s time to re-evaluate your life. I’ve heard about this great shrink in LA. He shows too much chest hair and stares weirdly into space as you spew mumbo-jumbo, but I hear he comes highly recommended by hot guys from Texas.

“Ah…That Explains A LOT!” Award:

This goes to “Singing with Seal” Ashley who in the credits at the end of the show is shown trying to stuff a gigantic teddy bear into her luggage as she tries to pack for Vegas. She actually talks to him. You have to go back and watch it if you didn’t stick around long enough to see it. C’mon, “Singing with Seal”…you have one hour to pack and THAT’S what you choose to try to fit into your luggage? Next time you might also want to leave room for self-esteem, strategy, and maturity. And didn’t you love Alli’s response when the Ashleys asked her if they should bring the bear? Her look said it all. “Are these chicks f***ing KIDDING me here?”

Hype That We Are Already Sick of Award:

How many times could Chris Harrison tell us that this is “the most controversial season of The Bachelor EVER!” during the previews for coming weeks? Um, Chris? I’m pretty sure the most controversial part of this season was that Brad was getting a second chance, and I’m pretty sure we all know he was coming back like, um, around Thanksgiving, if not earlier. So you can cut out all this “Most controversial EVER!” crap cuz we’re not buying it for one second. This could go down as the single most boring season ever, and there’s no amount of huffing and puffing and smoke and mirrors that you’re going to be able to use to make us think otherwise.

Is it horrible that I hope someone’s zip line breaks in Costa Rica and they fall to their deaths? Or that Brad dumps Michelle because he hates her little kid or SOMETHING ANYTHING to give this season some pizzazz? Is it too much to ask to actually be entertained through all of this train wreck TV?

And so with that, I say goodbye for this week. Come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose. You can let us know what you thought about last night’s episode there or in the comments section here. Catch you next time!

Recycling, Sippy Dentists, and Bad Dancers

2011-01-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or is this season getting really boring really quickly? It is fast becoming The Michelle Show, and I don’t feel like I could name half the girls who are left at this point. I’ll try to make this week’s post as entertaining as possible, but the producers, it seems, are trying to foil my attempts at giving out any awards this week.

Chunky jewelry was in full effect again this week. We spied everything from Meaghan’s big earrings to Michelle’s giant bracelet, to Britt’s big danglers too. I love a theme.

On we go…

The First Recycled Date of the Season:

TIE:

1. This award first goes to Chantal O. and Brad, who helicopter over to Catalina Island just like Kiptyn and Tenley did during Bachelor Pad last summer. Chantal and Brad even hang in the same outdoors-y spot on the beach complete with cabana tents and a huge bed/chaise lounge thingy for canoodling both in and out of the rain.

2. The second recycled date of the evening goes to Michelle and Brad who scale down a tall building in downtown L.A. and then have dinner and a swim. This date has been done to death already. I always wonder what the people who live or work inside that building are told before the date happens. “WARNING: Vapid people with sexually transmitted diseases will be pressing themselves against the glass of your apartment between 4:00 and 6:00 today. “ OR “WARNING: Because you live on the 25^th floor, we have to warn you that our happy couple will be stopping right in front of your windows to pose for the requisite ‘Kiss in the Middle of a Scary Event’ moment that our show requires. We thank you for your patience.”

Funniest Star Wars Reference:

I did a spit take when I saw Chantal O. and Brad walking along the ocean floor in what looked like authentic Storm Trooper outfits from the original Star Wars series. All they needed was some laser guns to start blasting all the fake fish they filmed to make it look like they were in a really exotic location when they were really only off the coast of California where there are hardly any interesting-looking fish. Even an appearance by Darth Vader wasn’t going to save how boring this date was. Of course Chantal is “terrified” of going into deep water in the ocean, so of course the producers made sure that this was the date she was on, and of course she got through it and used the whole episode as a metaphor for her love for Brad. Bleah. So tired and recycled. This show needs to mix it up a bit more.

“We’re Ready to Rip Out Our Own Eyeballs Now! Uncle!” Award:

Oh…my…GOD! I am SO over Michelle’s constant whining and snarky comments about the other girls. We get it. Girlfriend is nuts. She slinks around like an anemic cat and throws out barbs at the other girls like a skanky fisherman with no eyebrows. But oh my god…do we have to hear again and again and again that she thinks she’s better and that she had better get one-on-one time with Brad or that she’s the best match for him? Do they pay her by the word for this crap? It’s so mind-numbingly tired by now.

Which leads us to our companion award for this category…

Contestant Most Giving Michelle a Run for Her Money in the Loony Department:

This of course goes to Ashley S. Who knew that dentists could be so needy and nuts all at the same time? You think they should be calm and collected as they precisely drill into your teeth, but not our pal Ashley S. No, she sees Brad showing interest in other girls and starts freaking out about it. Like seriously bat-sh** crazy. She curls up on Brad’s lap a few times, cries, flips her hair, rubs her mouth, sucks on her own lips – all sure signs that the meltdown is imminent. It’s no surprise that the producers made Brad keep her around for another week. They can sense the impending implosion just as well as we can, and they can’t wait for how delicious it’s all gonna be.

Ashley S. has learned from the best, and so throughout the show she does her best Michelle imitations by breaking up one-on-one times in awkward ways, moving around to creepy stalker music, stalking through brush and grassy knolls to approach Brad making out with someone else to interrupt him with what she thinks is something more important, and taking swigs off of a gigantic chalice of red wine every 10 seconds. Michelle should have patented these moves, right? Cuz Crazy Dentist is all over them every chance she can get.

I’m guessing that if Crazy Dentist ends up losing this little Brad Battle, her list of patients will be shrinking down to zero. Did you see her pinkie sticking out as she got sloshed on her red wine? Not really the image you like of the person who is responsible for giving you shots in your gums and putting drill bits in your tooth canals.

Most “WTF?” Moment:

OK, Michelle…WTF? How do you go to bed with normal eyes one night and wake up with one black one the next day? How does something like that even happen? We would have totally bought it if you had said that Dentist Ashley S. hauled off and hit you with one of those things they use to suck all the spit out of your mouth at the dentist’s office or if you had said Chantal O. clubbed you with a beer bottle in a drunken brawl. But this whole, “I have no idea how it happened! I have heartburn!” bit is just a tad bit beyond belief. Any guesses as to what really happened? We may never know, but I really hope she gets asked about it on the reunion show.

Drinking Game of the Week:

This goes to Brad and any time that he used the word “real”. Last night I counted it being used by him 6 times. Of course, this game would have been a hard one to play since every time he used the word you would have had to take a shot AND try not to spit it back out in laughter as you realized that he was using the word “real” to mean the dates he was on and the women he was dating. Nothing real about any of that.

Fakest Radio Broadcast of All Time:

This has gotta be the Group Date where Brad and some of the young lovelies pay a visit to Lovelines and Dr. Drew. Don’t be fooled by the flashing lights and the “On the Air” lights coming on. There is no way any of that was really broadcast, is there? This show was taped back in the fall. If it had gone out live then, people would have already known which girls were still in the mix and it would have spoiled results. And did you notice how almost no one except the hosts was talking into an actual mike? At one point, Britt had her mouth right in front of one and someone actually nudged it away from her so we could get a better view of her face.

And how hard did you laugh at all of them saying how Dr. Drew really got them to open up and all share their feelings? Let’s see… we found out that Stacey cheated in college, that Meghan is looking for a guy who she can be herself around (NEWSFLASH: this is every human being on the planet), and Britt gets nervous around Brad. Wow, Dr. Drew, I have seen you help celebrities in rehab and lesser-known people with relationship issues, but the depths of this soul-bearing know no bounds.

This whole radio show thing was crap from the first light flashing on and I hope Dr. Drew is as thoroughly embarrassed for agreeing to do it as we were for watching it.

Best Line of the Night:

This actually could be the winner for Best Line of the Season, but we still have a ways to go before we crown that one. This one goes hands-down to Chantal O. Back at the mansion while some of the other girls are out on their Group Date, the fake doorbell rings and the next Date Card gets delivered. Of course it’s the one-on-one date for Michelle that they have been setting up all night. Michelle is excited she finally gets her time and she hears what the message Brad has written her says: “Let’s hang out together.”

It what can only be described as the mark of true genius, Chantal O. waits a beat, then points out to Michelle, “Your card doesn’t have love in it.” And we realize it’s true. The ladies list off all the Date Cards Brad has sent out so far, and they all included the word “love” in them. Hilariously, this card does not. Next, Chantal shows us her truly perfect timing with delivery when she adds, “Oh, it’s probably nothing…” with a little smirk. And the death-blow has been dealt.

Next we get a montage of Michelle obsessing over what it means that her card didn’t have the word love in it. Chantal has planted the seeds of doubt in Michelle’s mind PERFECTLY, and it’s truly awesome to watch her unravel. It’s gonna be tough to beat Chantal this season in this award!

Biggest “Dis” of the Episode:

This is really tough, so I’m going to call it a four-way tie:

1. Ashely S. seems to be popping up a lot in this posting, and this award is no exception. Brad seems all ready to give her the rose on the Group Date – something which would insure that she’s around for at least another week. But when he comes back to the hot tub to make his announcement, she gets all passive-aggressive and starts flipping out. Brad announces that he’s had a last-minute change in plans and he instead calls Britt out and gives the rose to her. OUCH! That’s gotta hurt more than a root canal gone bad, huh Crazy Dentist? The rose was yours, and you blew it with your psycho, needy, insecure ways. Nice strategy you got goin’ there.

2. Of course, you could also say this award goes to Britt, since she is obviously the Sloppy Seconds rose recipient. It has to suck at least a little to know that you weren’t the first choice and that the only reason you’re getting the rose is because the frontrunner all of a sudden turned red wine crazy in a hot tub. Sucks to be Britt too.

3. And let’s not forget about Michelle. She’s all excited to finally have her one-on-one time with Brad only to discover that he’s going to clear the air with Ashley S. first before he takes Michelle out. Michelle gets to sit and fume while Brad takes Ashley outside to let her know that if she doesn’t get off of the crazy train and back to “how you were at the carnival”-ville, that she’ll be taking the next cab to the airport. Michelle is so fed up she literally jerks Brad’s arm towards the door when he finally says he’s ready to leave with her. Sucks to be Michelle too, except she’s nuts so we just laugh at her and think she’s getting what she deserves.

4. Lastly, we could give this award to all of the girls except Emily, as Brad whisks her outside during the cocktail party and gives the sweet young thing her very own special picnic on the wet cement of the driveway. The other girls are beyond miffed and can tell what wall the writing is on. This was vintage Bachelor and the producers milked it well for all it was worth. Special bonus credit for when one of the girls asked the group, “Do you think he has the ring in that basket?”

Best Call-Out of the Night:

This goes again to Chantal O., who finally can’t take any more of Michelle’s whining about her day being ruined by the drama with Ashley S. Chantal reminds Michelle that she did the exact same thing on a previous Group Date and focused all of the attention on herself. Michelle sees it differently, but we all know Chantal is 100% right. I’m liking Chantal more as I watch her stand up to the crazies.

Funniest Mispronounced Word That Could Also Be a Double-Entendre:

On his date with Michelle, Brad mispronounces the word “rappel” over and over and instead says, “repel”. How funny was it to hear him say that he and Michelle were going to “repel” down to the pool below? I’d say they did a really good job of “repelling” throughout the evening (especially to those folks up there on the 25^th floor…)

Least Surprising Outcome of the Evening:

Michelle is scared of heights. Brad is scared of crazy chicks who are hairdressers from Utah and also heights. Of course their date involves rappelling down the side of a tall building. Their voices crack, they both say they are going to throw up. They both don’t think they can do it. And then…success! Magically they do it! We are (not) shocked.

Worst Parent Ever:

This goes to Michelle, who says she’s fine with a guy she’s known for about 6 days and who has locked lips with at least half of the ladies there and who did this whole process a few years back and ended up with NO ONE and keeps Michelle and Crazy Dentist around to come meet her daughter. Say what now again? You want BRAD to meet your DAUGHTER?! Where’s the logic there? You should be hiding your daughter as far away from this man as possible. Dumb is contagious, y’know. Just ask Jake and Vienna.

Most Obvious Dump of the Night Before It Even Happened:

Lindsey is a first grade teacher who has said about three words this entire season and never had one-on-one time with Brad, but tonight she gets a ton of airtime. This is a true sign to us seasoned veterans that she will be dumped tonight. Ditto for Meaghan, who seems a bit too manly for Brad’s taste if you ask me. When Brad gives her dating advice about how to let her walls down and sounds like her dad, the death knell is rung.

So with lots of lip-sucking and sidelong glances, Crazy Dentist and Michelle both get to stay. This week another bevy of “Who the hell were THEY?!” beauties get dumped, including Manly Meaghan, Jersey Shore Stacey who cheated in college (lesson learned, ladies….never let Dr. Drew force you to admit something like this if you’re dating a hot guy), and Teacher Lindsey who lets us know that she thinks her dad will be “so proud” of her. What?! Proud of her?! For what?! For saying three words on a show where women throw themselves on the dumbest guy on the planet all in the name of furthering their modeling and acting careers? My neck still hurts from all the head-shaking I did at that line.

Next week we see that the Group Date takes them to the racetrack, and of course Emily (whose racecar-drivin’ boyfriend was killed in a plane crash in case you hadn’t heard) is along for all of the drama. We see lots of tears next week, which leads me to believe that both the crazies will hit their boiling point. Can’t wait.

In the credits we see that Brad can’t dance, which is a SUPER bad sign for all of these ladies. Because you know what they say about guys who are bad dancers, right? Sorry to break it to you ladies, but the vertical mambo is not the only thing that Brad’s probably not so hot at. Just to warn ya…

Let’s hope next week’s episode cranks up the interest level a bit more and ratchets down the crazies a bit – or at least has them go crazy about something new. As always, thanks for reading this far and please come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so we can have more fans over there too. This has been a quiet season from my readers, so I assume most of you have already tuned out of this season too, right? Is this thing on? Anyone out there? Let’s hear fro you!

See you next week…

Heidi, Tail-less Peacocks, and Ninjas

2011-01-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to After the Rose! So did you all survive last night’s episode without sinking into a pit of despair? Was that not the most depressing, pass-the-Kleenex, violin-swelling-filled episode of all time? At every turn there was another sad story one of the ladies had to tell – some of them more than once! It ended up turning into a total weepfest, which was just about the only interesting thing about this episode. Otherwise, last night was pretty much a snoozer. Onward with tonight’s awards…

Best Drinking Game of the Night:

This goes to Michelle, of course. Her on-going tirade against the other girls and how they had better get out of her way because she’s the only real woman is beyond tired. No offense to anyone reading this who is named Michelle, but is it a coincidence that the crazy this season is named Michelle and then there was Crazy Michelle from Jake’s season and Bachelor Pad? They sure know how to cast some interesting Michelle’s on this show, huh? And you know this girl is crazy for two other reasons: (1) every time she enters a shot, the music changes and gets all stalker-y, and (2) she has no eyebrows.

Raise your glass every time Michelle says something like, “These girls are not right for Brad!” or, “Brad needs to end up with a woman!” (as opposed to a garbage disposal, Michelle?) , or, “I want ninjas to kidnap the other girls!”

Hoist ‘em high when Michelle rolls her eyes as she watches other girls canoodle with Brad, or uses her hair as a “I can’t see you making out with my man cuz my hair’s in front of my face!” shield against the other girls’ wily ways.

Special bonus shots for Michelle slinking into the background in a creepy way during Brad’s one-on-one time with another girl and awkwardly breaking the whole thing up so she can get time with him instead.

Here’s to you, Michelle (hic!) We love contestants like you. You have the double bonus of being totally nuts AND the producers make Brad keep you around so there will be interesting personalities left and we won’t be stuck watching the dentist-chick flip her hair all night instead.

Flashiest Chunky Jewelry:

The big bling was less conspicuous tonight, but it certainly made its appearance. There was a giant spider ring that appeared at one point, but I forgot to put in my notes on whose finger it was.

Honorable mention goes to Ashley S. who, during her date with Brad at Capitol Records, is sporting a huge, white chunky bracelet. Was it ceramic? It almost looked like something your crazy Aunt Sylvia, who really sells real estate but who dabbles in ceramics on the weekend, would make you for your birthday and then you’re forced to wear it to all family celebrations and pretend to like it even though you know she’s nuts. Or was it plastic? It also kinda looked a little bit like something Marcia Brady would have rocked at the pizza parlor. There was even some sort of flower or peace symbol painted on it to add to that 70’s feel.

Either way, I was getting a heavy Wonder Woman vibe from it. Maybe Michelle could borrow it to deflect off the onslaught of girls who don’t deserve Brad?

And we can’t leave the chunky jewelry category without giving Honorable Mention to Kimberly. I know, I know…your first thought is, “Who?” Kimberly! C’mon, folks. You know her. She’s the blonde who has said like three words all season and who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Brad and has basically blended into the background all season? Kimberly? What’s that you say? That description covers about 10 girls this season so far? Hmmmm…you’re right. So let me tell you why Kimberly made this category this week.

Did anyone else notice that she was rocking those same peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was wearing as she was dumped and Rockette-ed to the limo last week? For some unknown reason, Kimberly thinks it’s a good idea to wear, if not the same pair, the exact same idea of earring. Like Kickin’ Keltie’s situation last week, you just know there’s some peacock at the Oklahoma City Animal Sanctuary who was brought in with all of his plumage plucked, huddled in the corner getting no action from the peahens all in the name of dangly, glamorous fashion.

Kimberly’s earrings do their big dangly thing as she tries to merge into the background all night, and SHOCK! – she ends up getting dumped too, just like Kickin’ Keltie (although Kimberly decides NOT to flash her panties and tell us all how bendy she is…) Lessons learned from all this? Big bracelets equal make-out sessions, serenades from guys with weird scars on their faces, and plenty of squeezing on Brad’s abs. Giant peacock dangly earrings equal, “Don’t let the door smack you on the way into the limo!” I hope you all take this to heart in case you ever find yourself auditioning for this show (and if you ever do, please let me know. I would LOVE to know someone from this show and get inside scoop about what really goes on!)

Saddest Story of the Evening:

I mentioned in the intro that I believe this could be the most depressing episode of The Bachelor ever. It’s hard to pick just one story.

Do we give the nod to Ashley S. who tells us that she and her dad used to sing Kiss from a Rose all the time together before he had a brain aneurysm and…wait for it…DIED?

Or did you find the tears flowing more when you heard Chantal O. talk about how she didn’t talk to her biological father for 15 years, but tracked him down only to find that he had…wait for it…DIED?

Or how about Emily’s sad story (told twice during this episode…a grand total of four times for the season so far) about being 18, marrying her high school sweetheart, and then finding out she was pregnant with his daughter just before he was in a plane crash and…wait for it…DIED? (Does anyone else see Emily as an exact hybrid of Dolly Parton and Holly from The Girls Next Door on E!?)

Or how about Alli, who during the final cocktail party wells up as she talks about the fact that her dad was unfaithful to her mom and had another kid and that her parents…wait for it…DIVORCED (thought I was gonna say DIED, dintcha?)

Or how about Madison’s tears as she hears Emily’s story and suddenly has a flash of, “What the HELL am I doing here chasing after this dumbass with all of these crazy-ass bitches when there really is true love to be found in the real world?” She cries big tears all over the place and then…DIES! (Psych! That should have said, “She cries big tears all over the place and SNAPS OUT HER FANGS IN A SYMBOLIC GESTURE OF HOW STUPID THAT WHOLE VAMPIRE RUSE WAS TO BEGIN WITH!) Ain’t no dead relative that can mess with that, right?

I think that even though I will tear out my own teeth if she tells the whole, sordid story one more time, that I will give this award to Emily. Not only does she have a truly sad story, but she somehow manages to tell it in such a way that lives are changed and vampire teeth are popped out.

(And just as a side note so you don’t think I am cruel and heartless. I am not intending to make fun of anyone dying or divorcing or changing their teeth for vampire porn (OK, well maybe I can poke a little fun about the vampire porn and you’ll forgive me, right?) I have a heart too. I have lost people close to me. My folks divorced too. I don’t wish what these girls went through on anyone. I’m not poking fun at the bad news, only the way in which this show capitalizes on it and force feeds it to us like creamed spinach.)

Best “Dis” of the Night:

TIE:

1. During the final cocktail party, Michelle is curled up like a ready-to-pounce snake on the couch. Brad walks in the room, and she asks him, “Can I have you?” What was up with that? Can she HAVE him? How about, “Hey Brad. Do you have some time to chat?” or, “Hi Brad. These are my breasts and they are all yours if you take me outside right now.” But no, Michelle has to opt for the nutso approach and ask Brad, “Can I have you?”

Brad of course blows her off because she’s sitting there all creepy like a self-important, entitled Cleopatra. He walks over to a different girl instead. Cut to the next scene and there’s Chantal O. standing there asking Brad, “Can I have you?” (emphasis on the “I”)

I laughed out loud at this, and it rocketed Chantal O. up to the top of my likability meter for the evening. And to make matters even more humiliating for Cleo over on the couch, Brad says yes to Chantal O. and they stroll merrily on their way! Loved that scene. The Bachelor at its best!

2. What was up with rolling out a shrink for Brad? Did anyone else notice that this shrink is not the same one who got interviewed during the first episode? Total slap in the face to the original guy, huh? The producers must have told him, “Yeah…you’ve been Brad’s shrink for over three years and have nursed him back to mental health again well enough that he can put his hands up and down the dresses of all 30 of these ladies. You did a great job. But we’re not going to spring for you to fly out to L.A. and stay there in case Brad needs you like he’s needed you for three years straight. Instead, we’re going to hire a British guy who will be your stand-in because he looks more masculine with his shirt unbuttoned too far and all that hair coming off of his chest and he sounds smarter than you do since he has a British accent and you’re from Texas. Oh…and he has a tan and we can weirdly side light him better while he’s sitting in Brad’s living room. But take care, m’k?”

What do you think the odds are that Brad’s original doctor will ever see him again? Um…zero? Sucks to be you Mr. pasty-faced, Texas shrink. Total dis from the show. Maybe next time you’ll show up to the party tanned and buffed as is befitting a guest on The Bachelor.

Brad’s Dumbest Moment:

Wow. I mentioned in an earlier post that I think Brad may be just about the dumbest guy on the planet. There literally is nothing going on in those eyes at any point while he speaks or thinks. I figured I could pick one moment from this episode to highlight, but I’ll let you decide. So which is dumbest?

A. Inferencing tends to be tricky for the un-smart. Here’s one example where Brad falters. Emily relates that her husband went on a plane and that the plane never made it to its destination. Brad asks, “OK…his plane crashed?” Where does he think it went if it didn’t make it to its destination? It’s not like she’s trying to imply they took a swing by Bora Bora or something. Yes…it crashed, Brad. Don’t make the poor girl say it AGAIN!

B. Inappropriate responses also tend to trip up the slow-witted. After Emily has told her tragic tale and let Brad know that she also has a child, his first instinct is not to give her a hug. Nope, not our Brad. He doesn’t ask her if she’s OK or even thank her for relating all of that highly-personal information. No, Brad waits a beat and then asks, “Is it a boy or a girl?” In this moment, does that really matter, Brad? Will you dump her if she gives the wrong answer?

C. Math apparently is also an issue for our Brad. As he is rehashing how great his date with Emily went, he tells the camera that it seems like 100 pounds has been lifted off of Emily’s shoulders now that she has told him her story. Um, Brad, if she lost 100 pounds, that would make that cute, teensy thing about -15 pounds, right? (Yes…NEGATIVE fifteen pounds…)

I’ll let you decide which of Brad’s dumb moments was the true winner. Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments.

Grossest Line of the Show:

The producers hit pay dirt with this one when they showed us Michelle saying that at the end of the show she wanted it to be just her and Brad, “…in Tahiti practicing making babies.”

Because Brad is so dense, this conjured up images of him trying to make babies by putting some body parts where they…um…how do I say this delicately? Where they don’t belong?

MICHELLE: “Brad! Get that thing out of my ear!”

BRAD: “Sorry, babe. Just practicin’…”

Brad’s Worst Acting Moment:

Since I’m already raking Brad across the coals here, I might as well add in a little something about his bad acting skills. We all know that most of what he says has been scripted for him by the producers. Watch the closing credits to see how many writers this show takes to be able to put such amazing words into everyone’s mouths. So it’s always funny to me when The Bachelor is forced to say and do things that are obviously out of his comfort zone.

This episode was no exception. When Cleopatra Michelle slinks into the background of Brad’s one-on-one time with Alli at the pool party, I almost had to turn away with how bad Brad’s rehearsed reaction shot was. He pretends to stutter through an answer to Alli while looking strangely at Michelle playing with her split ends. It’s so hard to watch Brad stumble through this scene, but it’s also kinda funny that the producers decided to leave his bad acting in and not make him re-shoot it. That’s how bad the other shots were, apparently.

The worst of his acting, though, had to have been at the start of the action movie group date. As the girls are getting out of the van and assembling to see what lies in store, Brad begins to tell them about the day. Of course, a huge explosion interrupts him and he’s attacked by ninjas. Of course. The lead-up to this interruption could not have been any more obvious. Brad’s eyes keep shifting around and he keeps slowing his voice down as if an explosion might happen and he might be attacked by ninjas at any moment. Truly cringe-worthy, but I guess when you look like he does and you’re getting the national exposure that he is, you don’t need to be a good actor, right?

Most Exciting Comeback of the Season:

The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back! The creepy, fake doorbell that rings to announce the delivery of the Date Cards is back!

Most Pre-Arranged “We Know This Is Gonna Make Great TV’ Date of the Night:

TIE:

1. We could give this one to Ashley S., who has to sing Kiss from a Rose, which just happens to be the only song she and her dad (who died…did you hear?) sang together. She is totally freaked out about having to sing in the first place until she realizes that she’ll be singing “their song”. How contrived was THAT whole thing? I think they probably first asked Seal if he would do the show, then they polled all the ladies and asked them for every song they have ever liked in their entire lives. The one that put anything remotely related to Seal got the date after some finagling like this:

PRODUCERS: “Um…Ashley S….it says here on your favorite song questionnaire that your favorite songs are My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, Rape and Pillage by Murder is Fun, and I am the Walrus by The Beatles. You’re going to go on a date with Brad and sing a Seal song since a seal and a walrus are basically the same animal, we think. So from now on your favorite song is Kiss from a Rose, m’k?

ASHLEY S.: Oh my god! Seal’s face kinda creeps me out, but I turned that song on too loudly once in the car when I was a kid and my dad told me to turn it down! I totally connect with that song and my dad! Can I wear my ceramic/plastic Marcia Brady/Wonder Woman bracelet?

PRODUCERS: Only if you promise to cry when you talk about your dad and only if you promise to make out with Brad while we circle helicopters around the roof to film you.

ASHLEY S.: OK!

(and how old did it make you feel that she said she sang that song when she was TEN?! Sigh…)

2. The other overly-contrived date of the evening has to go to poor Emily. She’s excited to get some one-on-one time with Brad, but her smile fades as he excitedly pulls into the airport and proudly announces that they will be flying in a small plane to get to their final destination. Poor Emily. Brad doesn’t know her past with small planes, but she’s got to power through the sadness and just get on that plane.

Obviously the producers knew all about Emily’s back-story. So why couldn’t SHE be the one to go to the carnival or get the Julia Roberts treatment last week? Why does she HAVE to be the one who rides in a small plane? Because it makes great TV, obviously! Those crafty producers know exactly how to play with our emotions.

Saddest Celebrity Reference of the Evening:

I know you are all expecting me to rail on Seal for even appearing on this show in the first place. It’s always the mark of death to be a musician and be in any way associated with this show (Paging a Peter Cetera-less Chicago from Jake’s season…Chicago? Anyone?)

But I actually really like Seal and he sounded great, so I’ll give him props for showing up last night. This award, actually, goes to his wife Heidi Klum. I was SO bummed that she didn’t show up too! I know the reasons why she didn’t, but I really wanted her to be there anyway.

First of all, the producers know that someone like Heidi would totally outclass any girl there. None of these girls can hold a candle to a high-powered fashion model with her own show on Lifetime and her own signature line for booting contestants out the door.

Second, Heidi is one of those celebs who gets how sad you have to be to even appear on a show like The Bachelor. She has way too much street cred to have to show up on this wreck of a show. How would she ever look at Tim Gunn or Nina Garcia or Michael Kors in the eyes ever again? Smart move, Heidi, but we missed you nonetheless. (Ouch…as I am typing this in Microsoft Word, it doesn’t highlight “Klum” as a possible misspelling, but it DOES highlight “Kors”. She’s EVERYWHERE like Oprah…Discuss…)

So this award goes to Heidi, who made me sad by not showing up last night, even though I knew she wouldn’t.

Worst Idea for a Date Food:

On Brad’s date in the barn with Emily, we can see mounds of asparagus on both of their plates. Asparagus?! Everyone knows that you eat that stuff and almost instantly your pee will smell like the most rank, stanky, musty sweat sock you could find on the floor of a middle school boys’ locker room. Whose brainchild was this? I know they probably aren’t going to follow each other into the bathroom when one of them has to pee (although I hear Brad may be into this…), but what about air quality post-pee? How do you fix THAT in a barn set up with candles and Hollywood lighting? Am I the only one who does any THINKING here?! I’m guessing they either didn’t eat any of it, or they played, “Who can hold their pee the longest?’ all night.

Rose Ceremony Round-Up:

It sucked to be a blonde last night, because all three ladies who left had blonde hair. Madison quit on her own dramatically in the middle of the ceremony. That girl popped out her fangs and literally laid them on the table along with her heart (and a chalice of blood, a bat’s head, and her business card in case Brad ever wants to hook up for some freaky sex.)

Kimberly and Sarah P. are both let go and we have absolutely no idea who either of them is. Neither one has had any inkling of a story arc so far this season, so we knew they were goners from the start.

They do each have one distinguishing feature for us to remember them by, however. In Kimberly’s case, it’s the aforementioned peacock earrings. For Sarah P., it’s the frustration that she chose super-runny mascara on the night she gets dumped. Talk about your raccoon eyes! You know the show tells the girls the mascara is waterproof, but then gives them the cheap-ass stuff just so we can have waterworks scenes like this, right? Spectacular.

Most Over-Hyped, Misrepresented Moment in the Previews:

We can see that Cleo Michelle has a black eye in next week’s episode, and it’s implied that it was caused by one of the girls hauling off and finally hitting her. We know that the true story will be way less interesting though, and that if we really think she got hit we are falling victim to the producers ever-present editing skills that splice together scenes that probably really took place weeks apart, but that seems like cause and effect in a 30-second preview.

“Are Your True Colors Starting to Come Out?” Award:

In the closing credits, Brad and Emily are back in the fake barn roasting marshmallows. Brad starts them off and Emily could not look any more bored. She seriously looks like she’s about to conk out. Then she starts to roast one, Brad compliments her on her roasting skills, he asks her how she learned to do it so well, and she answers that she’s a mom and that’s what moms do. Awww…all sweet and sacharrine and “She’s perfect for Brad! He’d better choose HER!”

Then the mood shifts as she accidentally knocks a marshmallow onto the ground and has to be bleeped as she shouts, “Sh**!” She tries to backtrack and tell us, “I meant shoot…crap…” but the damage is done. Porcelain doll has a mouth on her. Hope we get to hear more of it later on!

You know the drill at the end here. I say thanks for reading this far. Then I implore you to leave comments and come over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose so you can keep updated. But you already knew all that, right?

See you next week for Michelle’s black eye!

30th Birthdays and Body Casts Always Bring Me Down...

2011-01-11T21:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Well, if there had been any doubt that this season of The Bachelor was going to be dull and uneventful, all of that was put to rest last night, right? The claws came out sooner than ever as several of the young lovelies showed their true crazy colors. Some of them paid the ultimate Bachelor price, while others sailed through to see another day in the mansion. Let’s get to all of the action…

Best Lines to Use for Drinking Games Last Night (AKA “Oh My GOD…Will You STOP Saying That?”)

This one is a tie. If it weren’t annoying enough that Brad had to repeat endlessly over and over that it was all getting “real”, then we get Michelle spouting endlessly over and over that today is her…sniff sniff…30^th birthday. Those of you toasting at either of those lines most certainly had passed out before the closing credits rolled.

OK, Brad. This is “real”? What exact part of this whole experience for you is real? The cameras following you around? The fact that this show has writers to tell you all what to say? Or the fact that a third party has chosen all of these hot women (well, most of ‘em are hot anyway…) to fall all over themselves hoping to get naked with you? What part of any of that is real? And what makes it all more real now than the first time we watched you do all of this before?

And Michelle. Alas, poor Michelle. She could be at home partying with her friends and apparently bedding any guy she wants. But no…poor Michelle has to spend HER 30^th birthday (did you hear it was her 30^th birthday, by the way?) sharing her guy with a bunch of other girls who aren’t worthy. Woe is you, Michelle. You chose to be on the show. You knew it was taping during your birthday. You knew you’d be competing with a ton of other ladies who we would like better than we like you. Get a grip.

By the way, what does one buy for a bachelorette like Michelle on her 30^th birthday? An iTunes gift card? A candle? Big, dangly earrings? Or perhaps a membership in the Antibiotic of the Month Club? Yeah, I went there. Try and stop me.

Fashion Choice About Which I Am Most on the Fence

I’m not sure what to make of the dress that Ashley H., the dentist, wore on the carnival date. My first impression of it was a yellow present meets a disco ball. It was all weird and too much. But then the more I watched it, the more I liked it. Yes it looked too young and cutesy on a professional woman, but maybe that’s how she lets loose? I dunno. Thoughts? This one has me stumped. There’s a Taylor Swift joke in here somewhere and I just can’t get it out.

Most Popular “Toldja SO!” Fashion Choice:

As I mentioned last week, gigantic, body-encompassing jewelry seems to be the newest trend these days for sweet young things looking to bag a bachelor. Some of the pieces last night were so over the top as to be laughable. How about those earrings “It’s my 30^th birthday!” Michelle had on? The ones that looked like three gigantoid clam shells dangling from each lobe? Or that huge aquamarine-colored necklace she had on during the video shoot? The one with all of those huge stones going in all sorts of wacky directions? CRAZY huge!

Or how about those gigantic Stevie Nicks-inspired peacock feather earrings that Kickin’ Keltie was rockin’ at the final cocktail party? How many peacocks aren’t gettin’ any tonight because they had to sacrifice their sex attractors for Keltie’s earlobes?

And huge rings that looked like they covered entire hands seemed to be all the rage last night too. Are the ladies wearing these to attract Brad’s attention to the fact that he needs to put a ring on their finger? Most of them look like spiders. I keep freaking out that tarantulas have invaded the set. Whatever the case, I called this fashion trend last week, and it hasn’t disappointed yet.

Weirdest Date of the Night

Hands down this would be the carnival date. Not only does it start off all “Thriller”-y with Brad driving them down a deserted mountain road in the pitch black with creepy music playing (weren’t you just waiting for Vincent Price to start rapping while zombies started pulling themselves out of the bushes?), but then it ends up at a carnival – yes a CARNIVAL! I guess this is sort of a cute idea, but you gotta think that Ashley H. was the teensiest bit bummed watching the episode back last night and realizing where Brad took her versus where he took Jackie/Pretty Woman later on.

I think Ashley H. was also pretty bummed that she had to wear that dress on all of the spinny rides. Dresses like that don’t exactly scream “A Day at the Fair”, and she couldn’t have been comfortable. Also, when I go to places with spinny rides where people walk around with big glasses of white wine and have quiet conversation, we tend to call those Art and Wine festivals, not carnivals. But I guess I’m splitting hairs here.

Brad and Ashley H. do make out a lot, which is probably saying a lot for a dentist since she probably sees firsthand all the creepy-crawlies that we pass back and forth when we kiss. They even made out on the Ferris wheel, which I think is dangerous. If one of them is prone to motion sickness spinning around and around, the results could be catastrophic while lips are locked.

It’s a good sign that both Brad and the dentist have dads who had addiction issues and were absent. This bonds them together big time. It’s also a good sign that he wants to call her “Ash”. Nicknames on the first date are key, right?

I think it’s a bad sign, though, that in his interviews Brad kept calling her “this girl” and never used her actual name once. Maybe he accidentally spilled some white wine on his hand where he wrote her name so he wouldn’t forget it? Just a guess.

Biggest Let-Down of the Night:

OK, producers. How can you spend an entire episode last week showing us how weird Vampire Madison is, make sure she goes on the date where they are filming a public service announcement for BLOOD, and then NOT make her the focus of the entire segment? Talk about your missed opportunity! Um, did you not notice that this girl has FANGS?! Like real ones surgically implanted in her MOUTH?! And instead you chose to focus on loony Michelle kvetching and whining about her BIRTHDAY?! I’m at a loss.

This whole date was just bad from the start. Michelle was already PMS’ing before they left the house (“People are gonna piss me off today. I know it.”) And then of course you have Alli (Um…I’d like to buy an “E” please, Pat?) and Britt, who are both playing the role of sweet, young virgin who is getting all nervous at the prospect of having to kiss on the first date in front of the other girls and the cameras.

And then there’s Melissa. Ah, poor, dear Melissa. She’s the blonde with long, straight hair who kinda looks like Gwyneth Paltrow’s older, hardened sister who just got out of jail for cutting someone. She repeats incessantly that if she doesn’t get any one-on-one time with Brad tonight, that she’s definitely going home, and we seasoned professionals know that of course she will get that alone time but be dumped anyway. The set-ups on this show are just perfect that way, aren’t they?

Funniest Moment of the Show:

This moment belongs hands-down to poor Keltie, our high-kickin’, rocker chickin’, panty-flashin’ good time gal from last week. This week, poor Keltie has to don all sorts of casts and body braces for the PSA as if she’s been in an accident. She unrecognizable (and unintelligible) as she tries to act her way through the scene and mumble her lines. This was most certainly a set-up too. How else could you explain the one girl who high kicks the most having to be permanently immobilized for this entire segment? I laughed HARD at her the whole way through, but she took it like a trooper.

“From Lady to Tramp” Award:

There’s no contest here as Britt, our resident food writer, changes from cutesy, doe-eyed, virginal perfection to a man-mouth sucking, writhing, moaning sack of sequins and flesh as she goes in for a kiss with Brad on the bed during her scene. She’s actually so slutty here that she horrifies Raichel (Um…I’d like to sell an “I” please, Pat…) and Michelle. So you know it’s full bore slut, right? For someone who was initially feeling iffy about a first kiss so soon, Miss Britt certainly had all of her ducks in a row once the cameras starting rolling, no?

Honorable Mention for this category goes to Gwyneth’s older sister Melissa who, while she is watching two girls retake the same kissing scene with Brad over and over and over, ends up jumping on to the set uninvited and making out with Brad herself to show the other ladies how it’s done. Very classy, Melissa. If you add that little stunt to the 14,000 interviews we’ve had of you this episode saying how if you don’t get alone time with Brad you’re history, I’d say your chances of staying are about as high as Michelle’s chances of having a happy 30^th birthday.

Worst Video Ever Made on The Bachelor:

This one has to go to the supposed Red Cross PSA they were taping last night. I can’t find the “real” version of it anywhere on the Internet today. Does it not really exist? GASP! You mean it was only created to add to the content of the TV show and not to really help out the Red Cross? Or was it just so laughably bad that it is still sitting on the cutting room floor somewhere at ABC? We saw a short segment of it as we went to commercial at one point, but where’s the whole thing? I want to laugh at Keltie more.

Most “Calm Before the Storm” Moment:

At the “after party” for the video shoot, Brad tells us in a voiceover how excited he is to get away from all of the drama that happened at the shoot. As he huddles with the girls on top of the Roosevelt Hotel, he reminds them, “No drama, right?” This, of course, is Bachelor-talk for, “Let the catty games begin!” as we know all hell is about to break loose between the girls. “Ladies…start your engines!”

As Brad starts his alone time with some of the girls, Melissa Paltrow and Raichel Manscaper decide to get into it. I’m not one to choose sides in a situation like this (well, OK, I really AM one to choose sides in a situation like this…) but it certainly seemed like Raichel was the innocent here and Melissa was the aggressor. Melissa keeps throwing her age at Raichel as if being almost 32 makes her more mature or something, when what it’s really doing is reminding Brad he only likes girls who are under 25.

And then the pot is further stirred as 30^th Birthday Michelle receives the coveted rose on this date while the other girls lounge awkwardly around the pool and secretly are jealous of her huge jewelry. With gusto, Michelle shakes the rose between her teeth like a skanky flamenco dancer.

Saddest Lost Body Part(s):

This obviously goes to 30^th-Birthday Michelle’s eyebrows. Those things were probably completely plucked out well before her 20^th birthday and have instead been replaced with deep, dark, thick eyebrow pencil. This effect is not at all flattering on her and makes our attention go right there the whole time.

Most Awkward “You Think I’m a WHAT?!” Award:

Poor Jackie the artist. Last week she popped out of the limo all canary yellow and Idina Menzel-jawed. The producers hinted that she would emerge as one of the crazies of the show. This week they set her up on a “Dream Date” with Brad based on the movie Pretty Woman. You know…the movie where Richard Gere whisks Julia Roberts out of the hooker’s life to fall in love and live the rich life. Wait…did he just say HOOKER?! Yup. Seems like the producers and Brad think ol’ Jackie’s been turning tricks down on the boulevard and needs some savin’ by Prince Brad.

Alas for poor Jackie, despite the Beverly Hills designer dresses, the diamonds, the fancy car, and all the Richie Rich life, Brad just sees her basically as a hooker. That’s gotta suck, huh Jackie?

Jackie kinda lives up to this role in her selection of gowns too. Brad takes her to a hotel room filled with gorgeous designer dresses. I’m not even a cross-dresser and even I was swooning a bit at that bright pink number. She gets to choose any dress in the room! ANY ONE! Yet when she shows up in the next scene she has on a boring, grayish, wrappy dress that even though it is covered in sparkles manages to reflect no light whatsoever. Where’s the canary-lovin’ Jackie from last week? How could she make such a bad fashion choice when she had so many amazing gowns to choose from? Back to the boulevard with you, Julia…

Biggest Hint That You Will Not Last the Show Even Though Brad Is Giving You a Rose Now:

As Brad gives Jackie the rose at the end of their date he tells her, “I’m willing to hang in there. Do you wanna give this thing a shot?” Kiss of death. Mark my words.

Saddest Musical Act of the Episode:

(NOTE: I almost titled this “Saddest Musical Act of the Season”, but then noticed on the previews that Seal is making an appearance next week sans Heidi Klum. Stay tuned.)

So Brad whisks his lady of the evening to the Hollywood Bowl and they eat dinner on stage and of course the stage starts spinning and there is Train singing a single from their new album. It’s always just so embarrassingly bad when they roll out the bands on this show. How awkward was it for Train to have to play a set in front of these two dorks mooning for the camera ten feet in front of them? I love Train on the radio, but I have never heard the lead singer sound good live, and this was no exception. And what was up with no Hey Soul Sister? I cry foul! Of course, we had to listen to their new single Marry Me instead. Get it? Because this is all like The Bachelor where people get married ‘n’ stuff?

Biggest Set-Up for the Girl We Will Root For All Season:

This goes to Emily. Not only is she gorgeous and porcelain doll perfect, but she also last week revealed her sad story about her husband dying in a plane crash right before she found out she was pregnant. She already had all of America on her side from there. But last night we also got scenes of her calling her daughter at home and both of them getting all weepy. If there’s anyone watching this season who’s not rootin’ for this girl, then you don’t have a heart. And my guess is that if she ends up losing, she will be the next Bachelorette, so she’s got a win/win lined up wither way.

First Catfight of the Season:

During the final cocktail party Raichel Manscaper’s boobs and Gwyneth Melissa’s strident neck go at it some more, picking right up where they left off at the after party. Again, Melissa seems to be such a jerk here, taunting Raichel with such gems as, “I don’t have to shut up or move. You can!” The back and forth reduces both to tears. In typical Bachelor fashion, we still don’t really know why these two hate each other so much, but we’ve already chosen sides, popped the popcorn, and are settling in for a good ol’ fashioned Bachelor brawl.

Melissa sits down with Brad and starts going all Sarah Palin rogue on him about how she’s the “targeted girl” this season. You can practically see the warning lights going off all around Brad’s head as he tries to pretend to console her.

While this is going on, Raichel is crying in the other room and saying that Melissa is a “toxic disease to me in this journey!” Brad tracks her down in the hallway and tries to hear out her side. I actually feel bad for her. She let Melissa get under her skin, and it made her much less likable. Brad sees this too. You can practically see the wind blowing out of his sails the more she hugs him and sobs. These two are making tonight’s cut easier and easier!

“Make New Friends, but Keep the Old” Award:

This goes to Ali and Roberto, as they shuffle out awkwardly to help their “old friend” Brad by interviewing all of the women. They are tasked with seeing which they think he should give a special rose to before the ceremony. Both of them didn’t look as neat and polished as they did during their own season. Ro-bair-toe’s hair was going for the cool messed-up look but it just ended up looking like bad bedhead. And Ali proved that she still cannot pull off fancy clothes and looking comfortable at the same time. They both looked a bit puffier, which I take as a good sign that they are foregoing their normal diet and exercise routines because they are too busy being in love. I actually hope they are happy. They both seem like nice people.

Ali and Roberto of course think that Porcelain Doll Emily is the best choice, so Brad chooses her to receive the special rose while all the other girls shoot daggers at Ali and Roberto.

The Rose Ceremony Wrap-Up:

Not too many surprises here. Chantal O. is happy to be first this time since Brad called her name last in the previous episode and apparently almost caused her to have a coronary. Several women received roses and I honestly have no idea who they are (Stacey? Lisa? Are they even ON this show?) “Was-A-Virgin-Now-Is-Power-Sucker-Kisser” Britt gets the final rose of the group, and Brad asks that she make sure that she work those power lips of hers on other parts of his body since he decided to keep her around for another week.

Not too many surprises about who gets dumped. Both of the catty drama queens at the cocktail party are history. I still think Brad is dumb as a stump in real life, but he seemed to make a good choice here. With Melissa, he needs someone less harsh and strident and someone who doesn’t stick her neck and lips out like a wild animal about to explode. With Raichel, he needs someone who doesn’t get so upset so easily by petty people and who doesn’t pull pubic hair out of men’s undercarriages with hot wax and whose boobs aren’t the only things you look at as she takes the Walk of Shame out of the mansion.

The sorta-surprise of the night was Brad letting go of Kickin’ Keltie. Does he have a bias against disabled women and her braces and casts at the video shoot were a turn-off? She didn’t flash her panties once this episode, so that may have played against her too. I guess we’ll never know. We do get the saddest exit interview ever as she tells us that she was meant to be alone and that she is the worst dater ever. She says she’s tried every dating avenue possible and none have worked and that this was her last ditch effort. She says she’s going to stick to kicking since it’s much easier, and I say, “Amen!” Over the credits Keltie goes out with a bang as she does a rap in the backyard describing all of the girls sitting around her. We’ll miss your spark, Keltie!

So that about wraps it up for this week. Thanks, as always for reading this far. Feel free to leave comments below, although I know none of you ever do. I can still see your hits on my map though, so I kow you’re out there whether you respond or not! J And don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook for more fun stuff too!

Catch you next week…

Boob-Blocking, Angelina Jolie, and Drinking Games

2011-01-04T22:27:00.001-08:00

Welcome back, Bachelor fans! It’s been a long, dry spell through the fall and holidays with no bachelors or bachelorettes to talk about, tease, and rake over the coals. For those of you who are back for more, thanks for sticking with me! For those of you who are new, hope you enjoy the blog.

The format is simple. I watch the show each week, take some notes, and then compile what I see and think into a best and worst list. If you want to add your high and low points in the comments section, feel free! It’s that simple.

So, without further ado, let’s get into Episode #1…

Fashion Trend Prediction for This Season:

Based on last night’s episode, I am predicting lots of big, chunky jewelry making lots of appearances throughout. What started with that humongous leather band on Brad’s wrist as he took us through his sad, boring, “I need a woman to fulfill me” life in Austin ended with various girls wearing huge bracelets, necklaces, and even rings that looked like giant spiders across their fingers. Obviously The Bachelor sets fashion trends, right? I mean Ali was famous for rockin’ the canary yellow, and did you see all of the girls wearing it in one form or another last night? I can’t wait until one of the girls shows us her 14-inch cubic zirconium-encrusted nipple ring or Brad whips out his big, dangly earrings he secretly wears when he wants to feel pretty. Can’t wait to see the jewelry extremes this season!

Most “Oh My God, Just Shoot Me Now If This Whole Season is Going to Revolve Around This Theme” Motif of the Evening:

After the first five minutes I was already sick of the “I made a mistake, but I’m a changed man and I hope these ladies will give me a second chance” theme. That whole bit was seriously like a full hour of the show last night. I pray to the gods of reality TV (or Ali and Roberto…whichever will listen) that we won’t be subjected to any more of that for the rest of the season.

We get it that Brad regrets what he did. We get it that he spent “THREE, LONG YEARS” going through LOTS of therapy to get back to his Happy Place. We get it that he thinks everyone in America hates him (and by the way…I can pretty much guarantee that anyone who doesn’t watch this show has no idea who this guy is. You don’t have too much to worry about, Brad…) “I hit rock bottom…I was a broken man…” Weep weep weep. Sob sob sob. Poor Brad.

PLEASE tell me that some tabloid will track down Brad’s father who sounds like a really horrible person. I would love to see the interview THAT guy gives. “Yeah, I was a real awful dad back then. But if Brad can set me up with some of his cast-offs from the show, all is forgiven, m’k?” I bet it will rival when that rag tracked down Vienna’s mom selling peanuts on the side of the freeway in Florida. Awesome Bachelor moment, right? This could rival that easily if played the right way.

To really pour salt into our “When will this guy finally shut up about how damaged he is?” wounds, the producers bring out Brad’s actual shrink to certify that Brad is indeed fixed, that he’s not a total loony, and that the old Brad is dead. You know…kinda like the coroner from The Wizard of Oz checking out the witch that had the house fall on her. Sing along with me: “As Braaaad’s shrink, I thoroughly examined him. And his old self’s not only meeeeerely dead. It’s reeeeally most sinceeeeerely dead!”

Where did they get that shrink from? It looked like he hadn’t seen the light of the sun since Reagan’s first term. If I were the girl who wins this, I would take it as a very bad sign that Brad’s shrink is on the very first episode. We’re supposed to take his word for it that the dis has been taken out of Brad’s dysfunction? How repaired can he be exposing all of this laundry on national television? At least he still has the bod and the hot looks. I guess those haven’t gotten damaged at all.

Best Bachelor Move Stolen from a Former Bachelor:

In three separate shots during the opening scenes in Texas, we get shots of Brad leaning against a railing of some sort and staring pensively out into nothingness. Fans of the show will know that Brad here is bringing out “The Messner” from Jason’s season. Lots of shots of him leaning against railings too. Jake modified the maneuver during his two seasons by leaning and sobbing at the same time and then doubling over. It should be fun to see how Brad works with it this season. Stay tuned.

Most Bummed Twin on the Planet:

Brad’s twin brother who definitely did not get anything in the looks or body department. I think this is a fair trade-off, though, since Brad seems dumb as a stump and his brother seemed well-spoken and intelligent. You can’t have it all, you know.

(UPDATE: It seems I was in error on this one. Brad does indeed have an identical twin who looks even hotter than he does. The brother in this clip sounds like he was a half-brother or stepbrother. Apologies...)

Least Shocking Moment of the Evening:

Was anyone even a bit surprised that Jenny and Deanna came out with their shiny legs all spindly and crossed? Yawn. Both of them couldn’t have seemed more over it all. They both have rings on their fingers, they have moved on, so has Brad. Who cares what they have to say now?

The only up-side to this whole scene was when Brad gushed over how beautiful Jenny looked when the girls first came out, but then didn’t say anything even close to that to Deanna until later after he realized he hadn’t complimented her too. Awkward!

And Now, a Word from Our Sponsors…

I’m going to take a break here from the best/worst list to give a breakdown of each girl. They are, after all, the whole reason we’re here in the first place right? Without them, this show is nothing!

Chantal is the first out of the limo. We’ve all seen the shot of her saying she has something to give Brad from all of the women in America. And we’ve seen her slap him across the face. There is no way she thought of this on her own. We are told that none of the girls knew Brad would be The Bachelor until they pulled up in front of the mansion. There’s no way anyone could come up with that bit on such short notice. Brad says he loves her fire.

Kimberly is out of the limo next. He asks if she’s going to hit him too. She laughs and makes a joke that has the word “but” in it, and he construes it into something having to do with a big butt. ‘Nuff said.

Alli is out next and I already don’t like her because of how she spells her name. This show is only big enough for one Ali, and she and Roberto are happily doing the horizontal mambo in Florida, thank you very much. But this Alli tells Brad she knows America hates him, but promises she’ll give him a second chance.

Ashley S. is next, and ends up being a creepy nanny who does the whole “I will make eye contact with you no matter which way you look and I will move my head along with yours” thing. For those fans who have been with us throughout the seasons, she’s very reminiscent of Tenley with her chirpy voice. She tells Brad she’s his girl, then squeezes his ass for good measure. Brad shifts around in his pants uncomfortably and asks the producers if they can cut for 5-10 minutes while he imagines baseball scores and his grandmother’s brassiere.

Next up is Meaghan, who REALLY wants Brad to know that she’s into fashion. So much into fashion, actually, that she’s chosen hot pink chunky high-heeled shoes that have no connection whatsoever to anything else she’s wearing. Definitely trying too hard.

Marissa butches the show up a bit by asking Brad if he’s OK being with someone “…whose life completely revolves around sports,” and Brad answers, “I love you.” Women who try to impress men with how into sports they are get really annoying real fast, and I’m guessing this girl will be no exception.

Lindsay is up next, and she’s a 1^st grade teacher from Texas. She and Brad make stupid small talk about how they’re both from different parts of Texas. (“Oh my god, y’all…what are the ODDS? It must fate!”)

Ashley H. is a dentist who shakes hands in a really, really masculine way and bobs her head up and down while she does it. She tells Brad she’s a hugger, but we really know that’s just her way of copping a feel of his bod in case he dumps her tonight. He picks her up. I notice she has a really big forehead, and I don’t think Brad’s going to be into that.

Raichel, who also doesn’t know how to spell her own name (see Alli above), tells Brad that he happens “…to be the perfect guy for me!” They do some weird breathing exercise together. It’s notable that she doesn’t tell him that she’s a manscaper in “real life”. Tee hee hee. We know something Brad doesn’t that will cause him pain later. Tee hee hee.

Every season needs a resident freak, and Madison is definitely that girl this season. She’s very into vampire culture and even has fangs surgically implanted in her mouth. She’s trying to be very Angelina Jolie with her coy smirks and her, “I’m SO mysterious!” comments, but she’s not fooling anyone. Don’t you love how the producers always change the background music for the freaks on this show? Michelle had her own soundtrack during Jake’s season. Werewolves howl and a Halloween-themed soundtrack plays as the camera falls on Madison. Later in the episode, Brad will ask her if she’s for real or if she just sees this as all a joke. I think those teeth speak for themselves, big guy.

Melissa runs out of the car and throws herself into Brad’s arms yelling, “Catch me!” as her opening gambit. She didn’t watch his season, so Brad asks her for another hug.

Renée (avec accent, n’est-ce pas?) is next with her huge eyes that make her look like she’s going to be a bit airhead-ish. Are those real chains holding her dress up in the back? Not flattering. She’s not memorable here, but see below for her shining moments on this episode.

Cristy is an attorney who apparently doesn’t make enough to buy a dress that fits properly. It’s all bunched up in the wrong places. She never saw Brad’s original season and wants to know what she should know about him. He answers, “I’ve changed”. I think this could be the new drinking game this season. Any reference to Brad changing, and you have to take a shot.

Jackie saw that it worked well for Ali, and so she sports a bright, canary yellow frock. She’s an artist, so you know she’s going to be cast as the flighty, slightly-bonkers one this season. It’s immediately apparent that she bears a striking resemblance to Idina Menzel with her strong jaw and eyes. She and Brad pinkie swear that they won’t break each others’ hearts, and you just KNOW she will reference this sadly when he finally dumps her.

Sarah P. is in real estate, and apparently this gives her all-encompassing power over all souls as she commands Brad to drop to one knee and ask her to marry him. And he DOES IT! She answers yes, and then throws her head back to laugh in a very Cruella DeVille-type fashion. This could be our black widow this season.

Lacey is out of the limo after the commercial break. She too maintains very creepy eye contact and Brad tries to look everywhere but at her while her head and eyes continually follow every minute movement of Brad’s. She hoists her dress up to walk, which is never a pretty move on this show.

Lauren is a high school teacher with very odd eyes. They are pretty, but huge and spaced strangely. She asks if she can steal a hug from him. There’s something about her that seems out of place here. Like she’s too pure to be Pink or something. Paging Sandra Dee…

Lisa P. asks Brad for advice since he’s been on the show before, and he answers with the sage wisdom of, “Be yourself.” Since standing on a wet driveway meeting 30 women is exactly how Brad himself would be spending that night if it weren’t for the show. Lisa’s chunky bracelet (seriously, folks, like half her arm is covered in it) almost takes Brad out.

Shawntel is a funeral director, but of course they make her out all sunny and smiley in canary yellow. Huh? A funeral director and embalmer can be happy and bubbly? No WAY! She laughs with her mouth way too open, but seems likable.

Britnee not only can’t spell her own name correctly, but she also thinks she can outwit the other girls by beckoning Brad over to let her out of the car instead of throwing herself at him like everyone else did. She says she likes a chivalrous man. I think she’s lucky Brad can string together a few words to make a sentence.

Stacey is a bartender from Boston who if you squint a bit looks like she could be part of the cast of Jersey Shore. She’s a bit rough around the edges, has a tough-sounding accent, and comes off a bit abrasive. She has no idea who Brad is, and he thanks god.

Jill comes off as too desperate as we hear her opening line that basically tells Brad that she’s ready to get married. There are always a few desperadoes on this show who feel that a man will make their lives complete and meaningful. She definitely seems like Prime Candidate #1 for that this year.

Lisa M. is from Kansas, and so of course she wears ruby slippers. Because Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz was from there too? Get it? Anyway…She’s young and sweet and innocent and you can practically see Brad’s brain working overtime for ways he can make her less innocent. Down boy…

Rebecca is an esthetician who also makes Brad come to her. She’s dressed like a Spanish widow in mourning, draped all in black with lace and dark make-up. She kisses Brad and tells him she hopes that she will find her prince among the frogs. SO original there, Rebecca! How did you ever come up with THAT?

J. is out next. Yes, J. No explanation for why she’s just one letter. Does one ask why Madonna is just Madonna or Cher is just Cher? No. So J. is just J. It’s her birthday today and she thanks Brad for throwing her such a big party. Hardee har har. She thinks this is all for her birthday.

Keltie supplies us with our first of many panty flashes as she high-kicks her way out of the limo. Yes, she's a Radio City Rockette and comes off as a crazy rocker party chick in her baby doll dress that is way too short. You can just picture her backstage at a Guns ‘N’ Roses concert with both arms over her head, fingers stretched out in a hang loose symbol, screaming, “WOOOOO-freakin’-HOO!” as the band comes on stage.

Sarah L. is a musical theater performer and seems way too impressed with herself. Did you want to know an amazing fact about Sarah L.? I mean truly amazing? She can’t snap her own fingers! Can you BELIEVE it? Isn’t that fascinating? Isn’t that exactly what Brad wanted to know about her first thing?

The music turns sad and minor key as we meet Emily. She married her high school sweetheart only to hear that he was killed in a plane crash – a plane she was supposed to go on too, but didn’t because she wasn’t feeling well that day. Later, she found out she was pregnant with his daughter. It’s all very sad and touching and she’s perfect as a Southern belle porcelain doll. So perfect, in fact, that Brad asks if it’s OK to even touch her, like he’ll break her or something.

Britt is a food writer with hair like Darryl Hannah from Splash. She gives Brad a bag of some sort of food and tells him that she thinks the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Really, Britt? That’s the best line they could feed you? We all cringe inwardly.

Michelle is the last one to meet Brad. She’s wearing a loud jungle print dress that flows everywhere. There seems to be some chemistry there and both say that they are exactly what the other wanted to see right now.

OK…now that you’ve met the ladies, it’s time to get back to the regular list….

Most Disappointing Scene of the Episode:

Raichel’s one-on-one time with Brad wins this one for sure. After her hilarious description of waxing guys’ “undercarriages” and “bat wings”, she only puts a little wax on Brad’s wrist and rips out a few paltry hairs. Bah humbug. There goes my much-anticipated “Kelly Clarkson!” yell.

Crazy Singer of the Season Honorable Mention:

We all remember Casey crooning his love awkwardly for Ali. We also all remember that his bad singing got him abandoned in an ice cave on a glacier. Well, apparently Jackie the artist didn’t see that episode as she comes up with a song to sing to Brad on the spur of the moment: “I came here today. All the way to L.A. What more can I say? Take me away!” Look for P. Diddy to release a single that samples this amazing talent some time in the next year. Jackie giggles self-consciously way too much and makes this whole scene close to unbearable to watch.

Biggest TMI moment:

Alli tells Brad that a guy dumped her because her butt was too big, then stands up and shoves her butt in his face to see what he thinks about it. Really classy, Alli. Should Brad shove his battered, broken ego in YOUR face to see what YOU think of it? We all have our crosses to bear (and apparently Brad needs to have his literally tattooed on his back just in case we don’t get what hardships he’s been through.)

Funniest “Oh No You Did Not Just Do That!” Moment(s):

Renée obviously wins this one as she tries in vain to get more than 30 seconds alone with Brad. We see a hilarious montage of her butting in on another girl’s time only to be boob-blocked by another girl stealing him away. “All these bitches are stealing him!” she bemoans, but Keltie the Rockette eggs her on to get back in there and keep trying. Alli ends up stealing Brad away two times from Renée. “I’m better than all these bitches here!” Renée tells the camera. Too funny.

Too-Strident Award:

This one goes to Michelle, in the long, flowing jungle print dress. She thinks she’s the only real woman there. “I’m a woman. I’m not a little girl,” she proudly intones. She says she’s going crazy when she realizes that she’s not getting the First Impression Rose. “It’s kinda making me sick!” she tells us. Tone it down, little lady. It’s too soon to be so vocal and put yourself out there that much.

The “Ooo! She IS the Crazy This Season!” Award:

This goes to artist Jackie, who upon hearing that she did not receive the First Impression Rose, wants to know what she could have done better. The door to Crazyville just cracked open a bit wider for this girl. Her eyes have the patented Michelle crazy look from Jake’s season. We’ll keep our eye on her to see what comes of it.

So ten girls get axed, among them the high school teacher (who presumably loses her job by telling us she’s “pissed off” about it), the girl who Brad told to be herself who whacked him with the chunky bracelet, Britnee who can’t spell her own name, and Rebecca who was looking for a prince among the frogs. Presumably Renée, who got boob-blocked all night, also left, but I never really got visual confirmation of that. Big letdown after all of that build-up and posturing by her.

The vampire stays and bites Brad’s neck. The crazy artist gets to stay. So does the rocker Rockette. Of course the producers make Brad keep around all of the interesting ones that he has no chance in hell of selecting at the end.

One note about the previews for next week. Did anyone else find it in bad taste that one of the dates this season is racing cars at a racetrack? Emily’s husband who died was a racecar driver. Hopefully she’s out by then or doesn’t get selected to go on this date, or things could get downright morbid.

I also loved the end credits with the rocker Rockette teaching Brad how to high kick. The girls sit around with stunned looks on their faces as she kicks her dress up past her panties again and launches off such one-liners as: “We’re going to fall in love and give each other nice Christmas presents!” and “I have so many moves I can teach you! I’m bendy!” She may be my favorite for pure entertainment value at this point.

So what did YOU think of the premiere? Did it live up to the hype? Who are your frontrunners? Let us know below. Also, don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook to get more updates and chat.

Until next week, keep your fangs in your mouth and don’t let those boobs block ya!

Let's Meet the Girls!

2011-01-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

ABC has posted bios of all the women vying for Brad's affections on this season's Bachelor. As usual, instead of making you parse through them all, I have done the dirty work for you so you're in the know before tonight's premiere.

So here's how it's shaping up:

There are 30 women who start off the show tonight. 30! Is that a record? I'm not sure, but it's a lot of people to keep straight. So, of course, ABC has to make sure that each stands out in her own way.

California is the most-represented home state of the women. Four come from the Golden State. Washington and Florida tie for second with three each. Two come from Texas and two come from Colorado. The rest are scattered all over the country,

As always, the jobs run the gamut as well from white collar (Cristy is an attorney, Ashley H. is a dentist, and Sarah P. is a real estate agent) to more service-oriented jobs (Melissa is a waitress, Michelle is a hairstylist, Stacey is a bartender, and Rebecca is an esthetician) to jobs that sound like ones the show made up to cover the fact that the girls were found through LA modeling agencies (Kimberley and Lisa M. are both "marketing coordinators" -- whatever THAT means and Jill and Lisa P. are both "sales directors" -- which could mean they lead the sales departments at high-end Fortune 500 companies or they change the signs at Wal-mart for when sale prices go into effect. In typical fashion, the producers leave this all a bit nebulous for us.)

Two of the hopefuls for Brad's affections are school teachers. Lauren teaches high school and Lindsay teaches first grade. Although I have a feeling that after all the dirty laundry airs on this show, neither lady is going to have much of a job to come back to (Paging Ashley Miss "dress-up in a too-tight flight attendant's uniform to turn on Jake". Your homeroom is calling...)

Some of the women actually have pretty interesting-sounding jobs. Marissa is a sports publicist and Keltie is a Rockette. Britt is a food writer, although it's not specified whether she writes for Food and Wine Magazine or does a blog about the joys of deep-frying Oreos and ice cream. Emily is a children's hospital event planner which rockets her up to the top of the "do-gooder" list.

On the creative side, Jackie's job is listed as "artist" and Sarah L. is a musical theater performer.

I already respect Madison because her job just tells it like it is -- "model". It's widely known that most of these girls are cast through modeling agencies in LA. Their home states are put into their bios so it seems like there is a diversity, but there really isn't much. I'm sure a few of these girls are "real" and are what the show says they are. But I'm guessing most of them live in the LA area and are all trying to break into show business or cash in on their looks in some way.

As usual, the producers have to also throw in some girls who have totally random, off-the-wall jobs because otherwise they would never be remembered. Raichel's job is listed as "manscaper" on the official web site, so you just KNOW that we're going to get a really painful waxing scene where Brad is going to yell out, "Kelly Clarkson!" in agony as she peels his nether regions. Shawntel is a funeral director from Chico, California, so I'm guessing they are either going to cast her as the weird, anti-social girl who wears white make-up and sleeps a lot during the day, or else show her as a sunny, bubbly personality who loves life (SHOCK! You mean a funeral director can be pretty, smart, and have a sunny Mary Poppins disposition?)

There is also the usual group of girls who don't know how to spell their own names. This season we get Britnee, Raichel, Shawntel, and some girl who is only listed as the letter "J". 'Nuff said about that...

One interesting side note: You can tell the producers cast this show thinking Chris from Ali's season would say yes to being the new Bachelor. Remember him? He was the sad-sack guy who had quit his career to move back to Massachusetts to take care of his dying mother? He was likable, but always seemed to have a dark cloud over his head. The producers apparently offered the spot to him, but he declined. One of the women on this show is from Massachusetts like he is, and her mom just died too after she left her career to go care for her. Isn't that the perfect match since Chris has the same story? Alas, it was not meant to be.

It's interesting to note that Brad is 38 years old, but the oldest woman there is 32. Almost all of the women are in their mid-20's. the youngest is 24. So either Brad likes 'em younger, or the show knows that young, hot chicks make this show what it is and will help the poor husbands and boyfriends who are forced to watch this show by their wives and girlfriends justify their viewing habits as well. My guess is that it's a bit of both.

So there you have it. Who stands out to you? Any front-runner favorites? Let us know!

P.S. I just found this. If you want even more "depth" (and I use that word loosely with this show), click here for a hilarious breakdown of the numbers as reported in the bios. Lovin' it!

Premiere Tonight!

2011-01-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know that I have been neglecting this blog this fall since Bachelor Pad ended. Life's been busy. But rest assured that I will be back for this season of The Bachelor. I was a little leery about Brad coming back, but it looks like this will be a great season complete with face slaps and vampire women. Who could ask for more?

Check here for my show recaps the day after they air, and if you haven't already go over to "After the Rose" on Facebook and click "Like" so you can get all of the updates I put there.

And for those of you who are new to the blog, no spoilers, please! Yes, I read all of the spoiler sites just like some of you, but there are plenty of people who don't like the ending ruined, so please leave those comments on a different blog. Here I try to just stick to recapping what happens each week. Thanks!

Here's to a new season of Bachelor fun!

Edyta, Skinny Ties, and Some Advice for the Producers

2010-09-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

And so we come to the end of Bachelor Pad. I do have to say that although some parts more than lived up to my expectations, a lot of this season fell flat for me. At the end of this entry I’ll give the producers a few suggestions for what I think they could do to make it better if they do another season. I think that will be tough to do, though, since they have already had on the most memorable people. They’re going to have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel if they want to cast another season of this show, right? Who remembers Trish? Or Meredith? I didn’t think so. Anyway, let’s head into last night’s finale…

(Side note: This is the only episode of the season where my partner DJ was sitting there next to me providing some commentary of his own. He was pretending to be playing Words with Friends on his iPhone, but I caught him sneaking peeks at all of it. I’ll add some of his commentary here as we go along too. Always interesting to get the perspective of someone who has no idea what any of this is about, right?)

Worst Fashion Choice of the Evening:

What exactly was Natalie wearing on her arms when this episode started? It looked like she had taken Dave’s old sweat socks, cut holes in the feet and rolled them up her arms. Is it really so drafty in the ol’ Bachelor Pad that she has to cover up her arms this way? It was super-distracting that the weird sleeve things actually seemed to color coordinate with the rest of her outfit too – kinda like a Garanimals for slutty reality show contestants.

Horniest Limo Passengers:

As the final three couples are being whisked away to their dance rehearsals in separate limos, we get shots of Tenley and Kiptyn sitting chastely making light conversation. Then we see Natalie and Dave laughing it up and having a nice chat. And then we cut to Kovacs and Elizabeth who are basically dry-humping each other in the back seat of their limo. These two definitely take advantage of their alone time together as much as possible.

Funniest Montage of the Season:

Hands down, this award goes to the scenes of Kovacs and Elizabeth dancing with Edyta from Dancing with the Stars. As they enter the room, hearing Elizabeth say, “If it’s a woman, you still have to focus on me!” just made me know that these scenes were going to be oh-so-perfect, and I was not disappointed. We got tons of awesome reaction shots as Edyta and Kovacs did their dirty dancing moves while Elizabeth stared gap-jawed from the sidelines.

As Kovacs ogles Edyta’s butt and clutches her chest closer to his, Elizabeth tells us she feels insecure. Well duh, Elizabeth. Your ~~friend with benefits~~ boyfriend is man-handling the hottest bod on TV ever. Sucks to be you…

This entire montage of clips leads us to the next category…

Understatement of the Year Award:

“I don’t feel like I’m as sexy as Edyta,” Elizabeth laments. ‘Nuff said.

Horniest Dancing with the Stars Professional:

This one of course goes to Louis Van Amstel, who not only asks Natalie and Dave if they are having sex in the house and dances “doggie style” with Dave, but gets to be spun around by the beefiest, horniest guy on the show. Lil Louis must have been in man-stud heaven, huh? You could just see the sex dripping out of his eyes as he tore off Dave’s clothes in his mind. Down Lil Louis, down!

Slutty Natalie Line of the Night:

As Louis is demonstrating the correct holds and positions to Natalie and Dave, he tells them that they may feel a bit awkward. Never one to run away from revealing how often she spreads her legs, Natalie comes back with, “Dave and I are used to these positions.,” then turns to Dave and says, “Please grab my boobs. It feels safer.” SO gonna miss that girl now that this is all done!

Biggest “I Never Thought I’d Miss Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann So Much!” Moment:

It bordered on embarrassing watching Melissa, Jake, and Trista judge the dancing contest. You could tell the producers were trying to make it all seem just like Dancing with the Stars without being Dancing with the Stars. These three judges were just horrible to watch. Melissa was vapid, Jake seemed like he had a chip on his shoulder from all the criticism the real judges gave him, and Trista was just there and stupidly smiling the whole time. I always forget how much she reminds me of Connie Francis.

(And did anyone else notice that the music we heard was obviously not the music that was really playing? Why can Dancing with the Stars get the rights to pop songs, but these guys can’t? Instead of the full orchestra from the real show, these contestants have to dance off to canned elevator music.)

Least Shocking Dance Results Ever:

Was anyone really surprised that Tenley and Kiptyn won the dance contest? I mean, she’s already a trained dancer (albeit a kinda psycho one), and he spent the whole first half hour of the show telling us how worried he was that he couldn’t dance. That’s the perfect recipe for winning if I ever saw a reality TV show, right? I was a little concerned when Tenley had to remind him out loud twice to smile, but it all worked out in the end for our perfect pair and they ended up winning.

Biggest Sign That Your Dance Partner Is Going to Lose the Dance Contest for You:

Poor Elizabeth. She gets stuck with Kovacs, who is counting the steps out loud as he goes along. He may be hot, but a dancer he’s not.

(At this point in the show, DJ looked up from his iPhone and exclaimed, “I’m not digging this Tenley chick!” Well said, my love…)

Craziest Eyes:

Dave beats out Crazy Michelle for this as we watch him dancing. I thought his eyes were going to pop right out of his head. They got bigger and bulgier throughout the entire routine as he looked more and more like a sexy, beefcake psycho axe murderer.

Overstatement of the Evening:

Natalie wins this as she announces, “A live studio audience! I mean it’s mind boggling!” Really, Natalie? Your mind is boggled by something they have done on every finale since the first Bachelor premiered, but it’s not boggled by why people think you’re a slut and don’t want to marry you? Time for some soul-searching, sister…

News That Made Me Throw Up in My Mouth a Little:

It’s hard enough to hear Melissa say she’s preggers, but then she had to go all sideways on us and show off the baby bump. Melissa, we don’t want to know that kind of stuff about you. TMI. And we certainly don’t want to SEE your news like that either. Hopefully this will be the last we see of Melissa on this franchise now that the producers realize how truly useless she was throughout.

Biggest 80’s Flashback:

This definitely goes to the outfits Chris and Melissa were wearing during the studio audience portion of the show. Melissa’s shoulder pad couldn’t have been more “Sue Ellen Falling Down the Steps on ‘Dallas'” and if Chris Harrison’s tie were any skinnier, Spandau Ballet would call and ask for it back.

Least Shocking News of the Reunion:

I mean, who woulda thought that Kovacs and Elizabeth’s strong, loving bond could be broken or that Dave and Natalie would be “just friends”? I didn’t see that coming from a mile away.

So none of the couples are still together except for Tenley and Kiptyn. What do you want to bet that these two will be the next Bachelor wedding that gets televised? I for one can’t wait to see all the Disney touches that will be there. I bet since ABC owns Disney that they will do it up Disney-style for the former princess and her prince. We shall see…

Most Forced Love Connection at the Reunion:

Of course this one goes to Gia and Wes. SHOCK! Gia has broken up with that supposedly serious boyfriend who ruined her chances at love on the show. SHOCK! Wes still thinks Gia is the sexiest girl there and tells us, “Bad boys need love too!” SHOCK! The audience starts chanting for them to kiss. SHOCK! They make out behind Gia’s mass of model-styled hair. SHOCK! Chris Harrison tells them to get a room. There is no way these two are an actual couple. All of that was so staged for the reunion show since everything else was relatively boring.

Weirdest Musical Choice:

Why were they playing Two Princes as the final two couples were first introduced?

Best Reaction Shot:

Crazy Michelle as she reacts to Tenley saying, “Kiptyn’s my boyfriend!” all sugary-sweetly. Her head swings back and forth and her wrinkles seize up in disgust. Michelle has been waiting months to confront Tenley about the rumor she started, and she lets Tenley have it full bore. Good for Michelle. I actually liked her more at the end of the confrontation and I really appreciated that she got Tenley to cry so much during the series.

Scariest Chick Ever:

I’m sorry. Krisily was OK on her original series, kinda skanky on Bachelor Pad, but a total “wouldn’t want to meet THAT in a dark alley” on the reunion show. Could they have made her look any scarier? The way her head tilted over to the side in defensiveness, the way the camera zoomed in on her angry eyes and mouth lines, the way you could smell the cigarette smoke reeking off of her through the TV screen. That is one psycho chick.

Biggest “You Just Stole Our Mojo!” Moment of the Show:

As Dave and Natalie were being launched softball questions by most of their competitors, Gwen joins in the mix and calls Dave out on something she says hurt her deeply (more deeply than those incisions the plastic surgeon made all over your face and jawline, Gwen?) Dave’s face drops as he realizes that his happy-go-lucky Q&A session is about to get ugly.

She says that she overheard Dave saying that a person was just downright sad if they were in their 30’s and on a dating show like this, thus implying what we all already think – that Gwen is a sad, over-30-year-old woman with too much plastic surgery who will never find a man. Deal with it Gwen. Life is choices.

To his credit, Dave stands by what he said even though the audience boos him for it.

Line I Most Wanted to Yell at Kiptyn:

“Tuck in your damned shirt! NOW! Do it! Seriously! Now!”

Lamest Attempt at Seeming Humble:

This is a tie between Dave, Natalie, Kiptyn, and Tenley as they all explain what they would do if they won the grand prize. Natalie says she would start a charity for ~~venereal disease cures~~ prostate cancer research and pay off her ~~pimp~~ student loans, and the rest wax poetic about all the good they will do if they win. Blah blah blah. We all know that’s a load of BS, right?

We all know the truth…that Kiptyn will use his cash for hair plugs and lifts for his shoes so he appears taller, Tenley will use hers for surgery to correct her overly-chirpy voice, Dave will use his to enlarge his penis to even bigger proportions, and Natalie will basically just drink hers away in Cabo. C’mon…you know I’m right.

Biggest “I Wanna Know What That Said!” Moment:

What did they black out on Wes’s voting card as he held it up? I wanna know! I’m used to those black pixilated boxes being all over Natalie’s naughty parts, but it must have been something juicy (or commercial) for Wes to have gotten the dreaded black boxes too. What do you think it was?

Best Hope That One of the Hot Guys Will Come Out of The Closet:

Dave. Hope springs eternal with this one, even though I know that it’ll never happen. He tells us that he’s not afraid to get in touch wit his feminine side as he twirls Louis Van Amstel around the dance floor, and he even kisses Chris Harrison after he finds out that he and Natalie are going to split the grand prize. Gimme a call any time, Dave. Seriously…any time.

And so to the end of yet another Bachelor series. If they decide to run this show again, I have a few suggestions for the producers.

1. Make this show an hour or an hour-and-a-half long. Two hours was way too long and the filler got tedious.

2. Get rid of the dates. No one falls in love on them and their only purpose is for the person who won the date to choose someone to be safe from elimination that week. It would be more interesting to have more competitions instead of the lame, staged dates.

3. Get rid of Melissa and her flailing arms.

4. Start the show off with equal amounts of guys and girls. The show where three women were ejected after the first 15 minutes was just lame. We all saw it coming, as did they.

5. Don’t let people on the show who are already in couples or who have already hooked up. This may seem impossible, but if it can be done it would make the romance seem more “real” and give the contestants the chance to really see if there’s a spark.

Just my two cents’ worth! What do YOU think?

They announced that the next series of The Bachelor will premiere in January, so I will see you back here then. In the meantime, come on over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose to keep up with all the latest Bachelor news. Thanks for a fun summer!

Chunky Bracelets, Broken Beds, and Whitesnake Videos

2010-09-07T22:02:00.001-07:00

Can you believe that next week is already the season finale of this show? The time has absolutely FLOWN by with booze-filled love trysts, staged dates that no one cares about, and bad wardrobe choices. We are down to three couples now, and it was so obvious from the start who would be the last ones standing. Couples have reigned supreme for this show, a dynamic which I think taints the whole process. It seems inherently unfair to put “outsider” people into a competition with a core group who all know each other already and have each others’ backs. I mean, did anyone truly think that Big Nikki or “Voted Most Stupid” Gwen was going to bring home the grand prize? If they do this show next time, I hope they fill the show with hot bods who don’t know each other at all or who already hate each other.

On to the highlights and lowlights from last night:

Most Improved Fashion Choices:

Chris Harrison finally looked presentable in a black-and-white plaid shirt and normal pants. Hooray and huzzah! It took him five episodes, but he actually looked nice last night. Even the suit he wore for the rose ceremony was subtle and not nauseating in the least. Ups for Mr. Harrison’s wardrobe advisors this week.

Most Repeated Ad Nauseum Topics of the Night:

TIE:

1. “THREE women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“Did you hear? Three women are going home!”

“When? Later?”

“No! RIGHT NOW!”

“Ladies and gentlemen…three women will be going home RIGHT NOW!”

“That’s bad and scary and sad all at the same time!”

Wasn’t that like the first 15 minutes of the show? They hadn’t even gotten to the competition yet and they had repeated some form of those lines about a million times. They even had to interview each contestant separately to see what their take on it was. And guess what? They all thought it was bad that three women would be going home tonight (even though it was so obvious who the unlucky ladies were going to be that they may as well have had “I Was on Bachelor Pad and Lost and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” T-shirts on, right?)

2. The entire last hour of this show boiled down to one thing: “We’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth, we’re sending home Kovacs and Elizabeth…Oh wait…We’re not. We’re sending home Tattoo Jesse and Peyton instead.”

The last hour was so mind-numbingly repetitive I wanted to scrape out my eyes with that gigantoid aquamarine necklace Gwen had on around her neck before she got the boot. It was so painfully obvious that Tattoo Jesse and Peyton were going home all along. Why drag it out for so long?

The Hostess with the Leastest:

This one of course goes to Melissa Rycroft. The producers this week finally figured out a way to make her stop using her hands. On one wrist they placed two humongous chunky, plastic bracelets to weigh her down, and then on the other hand made her wear a huge, green ring. These seemed to do the trick as I didn’t notice her hands moving up above the camera line once during the whole Spin the Bottle competition.

Catty Thought for the Evening:

Is it just me, or is Nikki getting bigger and bigger with each episode? Her face is looking more and more bloaty, and let’s just say that any time the camera caught her profile, it was not a pretty picture. What gives? How is she putting on so much weight so fast in there? It’s like all the air got let out of her facelift.

Cattiest Line of the Night:

After Gwen gets the heave-ho and is driving away in the Stretch Limo of Shame, we cut to an interview of Elizabeth who is looking all faux-sad that Gwen’s gone. She says she feels really sad for Gwen, and we think, “Ahhh…Elizabeth has a heart in there underneath all of those bad roots.”

But then she comes up with the zinger of the night when she fakes sad and says, “I could still be in my 40’s one day too and looking for love…” all “poor Gwen”-like when she really doesn’t mean it. OUCH! In one fell swoop, Elizabeth managed to not only dis Gwen’s lack of love life, but also her age. How much more patronizing could Elizabeth have been?

“Turnabout is Fair Play” Award:

This goes to Elizabeth, who after saying such catty things about Gwen is shown with the standard dumbass music playing while she can’t remember a thing about the guy she’s supposedly been dating for six months. Then she can’t even remember the name of the herbal supplement she takes to help her memory. Seems like you hit the beer bongs a bit too hard in college, Elizabeth. Karma’s a bitch, huh?

Tenley Line of the Night:

Tenley gets her own category this week. Maybe it’s because there are fewer people and she’s getting more camera time, but it certainly seemed like we saw a lot more of her last night. Let’s just say that this chick ain’t gonna be winning any Nobel Prizes soon.

This category’s a tie too:

1. While talking about her love for Kiptyn, Tenley puts on her best princess voice and tells us, “Love kissing Kiptyn! Love kissing! Kissing is fun! Kiptyn is fun! Cuz we are Kip-Ten!” Get it? Oh my god, this woman has got to be stopped. With all of the saccharin sweet that poured out of her all last night, I’m still scraping the remnants off the TV screen. I can’t stand Tenley anymore. I was never a fan, but this series just pushed home the point. No one is that sickeningly perfect.

2. When Natalie and Dave found out that their date was going to be “under the stars”, how many times did Tenley say “in a rocket”? It must have been, oh, say…114? WTF was she thinking? I thought she was just being silly the first time, but all of the other times were just plain sad. Yes Tenley, ABC has gone to NASA and secured a special trip into outer space for the lucky couple so they can test out contraceptives in zero gravity. Get a grip, girl…

Most “We Get It Already! He’s Dumb and She’s High Class!” Segment:

Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are sitting around having drinks when Peyton looks over and Jesse is picking out an ingrown hair in his leg with a screw (“It’s a DRYWALL screw!” he helpfully tells her in case she needed clarification.) She, of course, grosses out and rolls her eyes all over the room. Then, Jesse deigns to peel his banana the wrong way (Seriously, what was up with how he did THAT? If I were Peyton, I’d watch out for Jesse’s condom-placement skills if he thinks that you deal with a banana from the bottom up). All the while, the requisite dumbass music is playing so Jesse seems even more like a hillbilly country bumpkin compared to the aristocratic fair maiden. Staged staged staged…

Biggest Over-Reaction of the Series So Far:

Peyton, when she dropped her last balloon. Oh my god…you would have thought that she dropped a baby or her wedding ring down the drain. All of those tears and moaning fetal positions over a stupid balloon? I mean, I get that she also dropped a metaphorical $250,000, but did anyone seriously think that she was going to win it? She didn’t even think so herself.

Most Surprising Undergarments of the Evening:

As Dave is ironing his clothes to prepare to get them ripped off on his date with Natalie, his shirt is off and his shorts are sagging low. Peeking up from under them is the top few inches of a pair of…wait…could it be? Are those really pink HEARTS on his underwear? Really? That studly specimen of a man, that hunka hunka burnin’ love, that “Best Kisser”…he wears HEARTS under there? Who knew? I guess I was expecting something manlier and less girly. Maybe he was wearing Natalie’s newest Frederick’s of Hollywood purchase?

Scene That Made Me Need to Pause the DVR and Go Take a Long, Hot Shower to Scrub Off the Disgustingness:

This one goes hands-down to Kovacs and Elizabeth in the sports car. It’s bad enough they got into it when it wasn’t even theirs to begin with, but then things just got downright gross as they made out in every conceivable position, including Elizabeth spread-eagle on top of Jesse while he leaned back on the trunk. During this scene, we got treated to some pretty lame one-liners as well:

Elizabeth: “I love it when a man’s in control!” Ooo! Hard-hitting insight into Elizabeth’s psyche, huh?

Jesse: “Watch out for the stick!” How was it possible for him to say this line without at least smirking in embarrassment? How cliché and over-used are lines like those?

And did anyone else notice the irony here? A couple of weeks ago, Kovacs and Elizabeth did the horizontal mambo in the shower, and then Natalie ducked in there to have a good cry later after being voted “Always a Bridesmaid”. Now Kovacs and Elizabeth are at it again, christening this car with their love juices before Natalie and her date even know it’s there. And to add insult to injury, Elizabeth comes back into the house and announces to Dave and Natalie that the car is out front and “It’s got Jesse and Elizabeth all over it for you!” Let’s just say that I am sure there is no lack of DNA evidence of their little tryst and leave it at that, OK?

So Natalie is yet again privy to the Kovacs’ and Elizabeth’s sloppy seconds. Always a bridesmaid indeed…

Character Most in Need of Sunscreen:

Somebody get Tattoo Jesse some SPF 50 stat! That poor guy’s face has been burned red for this entire series. Sometimes it morphs into a pleasing shade of purple, but it always looks painful and always looks like he’s going to look like a leather handbag when he’s 40.

Sketchiest Date of the Series So Far:

Dave and Natalie drive into a dirt lot where it looks like the cops will find the dead bodies buried (there’s even a creepy-looking black mini-van visible in one scene!) for their date. Yes, there’s the beautiful Pacific sunset right there, but couldn’t they have watched that from some mansion somewhere? Did it have to be on the same dirt lot where they filmed scenes from Poltergeist and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 406?

Coolest Nod to the 80s:

Somewhere in Celebrity Rehab, Tawny Kittaen’s head was spinning around in Linda Blair circles as she watched Natalie do her best Whitesnake video moves on the sports car while Dave shot pictures of her. Her skirt could not have been any shorter without showing all of her bits and pieces. Again, I always think how proud her parents must be watching her parade her goods on top of a convertible. The only thing she was missing were the ever-present black boxes around her naughty bits. Those would have made the scene truly complete.

Biggest “I’m Guessing This Show Is Not Hiring You Back” Moment:

I almost did a spit take when I realized that the mansion where Dave and Natalie spend their date is the same one where Jason and Molly canoodled during their season. Um, paging Melissa Rycroft (who was chosen by Jason as “the one” and then dumped on national TV in favor of Molly). Wow…out of all the places the producers could have chosen, they chose the place where Jason and Molly first sealed the deal. Ouch, Melissa. That’s gotta hurt, huh? Try swinging your arms at THAT one. I’m guessing that was the producers’ subtle way of telling you you’re not being invited back for another season.

The Three Biggest Warning Signs of Impending Danger of the Evening:

As Dave and Natalie are chatting, the producers try to show us a softer side of Dave as we hear him tell us about the sadness he has around his folks’ divorce. We actually start to feel sorry for him as he wells up and starts to cry over it. But then, warning alarms begin to go off that this is one dangerous guy and that Natalie should get out now while the getting’s good and before Dave one of these days goes all Mel Gibson phone call on her.

First, Dave tells her all about his dad issues. He was Daddy’s little boy a la Leave It to Beaver before the divorce, then hardly saw him after his folks split up. Faint warning bell sounding…

Next, Dave says he and his dad had a big argument recently and they don’t speak to each other any more. Warning bell getting closer now.

Then the alarms go into overdrive as Dave tells her that at the end of their last argument, Dave threw a chair through a wall. Threw a WHAT through a WHAT now?! Um, Natalie? Back away NOW! This guy has no clue how to appropriately express anger and it seems like he sure has plenty of it built up about now.

Lastly, Dave strikes the last nail into his “damaged goods” coffin by turning to Natalie and telling her, “I don’t want to talk about it.” BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Alarms all around now. Can’t hear a thing except alarms. Leave now, Natalie! Run! Flee!

But of course Natalie does what any self-respecting girl who flashes cameras and spread eagles on yellow sports cars would do and puts her hand up to his jaw and starts making out with him. Because hot kissers with anger management problems and family hang-ups are HOT, right?

Biggest Tease:

True to her roots (and no, I don’t mean only the ones in her hair), Elizabeth pulls a Groundhog Day on us and on Kovacs when she sends out all the signals that she wants to have a whole lot of monkey sex with him in the Fantasy Suite, but then pulls back and gets all self-righteous about it. Remember when she did the same thing with Jake during his season and forced him to kiss her on the forehead? What’s her deal? Ever the tease, Elizabeth is a tough one to figure out.

I did love how she called out Kovacs after they did the nasty. She says he never pays attention to her, he asks her, “What did we just do?” and she answers, “You just got LAID!” That was almost a Line of the Night, but because Elizabeth is nutso it’s disqualified. I’ll give it an honorable mention here instead.

Biggest “Um…That’s Probably a Bad Idea, Tenley” Moment of the Night:

Tenley’s decision-making skills have been called into question ever since her very odd and chirpy ballet dance for Jake. But tonight she pushes the boundaries as she enters the kitchen, approaches Kiptyn from behind WHILE HE HAS A BIG KNIFE IN HIS HAND cutting chicken, and proceeds to tickle his ribs. Tenley, sweetie. Not a good idea. And since Kiptyn is the only guy there as short as you, that knife is going straight through your eyeballs if he turns around too quickly or thinks that Big Nikki has come back to assault him for flipping his choice at Spin the Bottle.

“Who’s Hotter?” Award:

This one has mostly been going to Dave, especially since he won Best Kisser last week. But this week we find out that Kovacs broke the bed when he and Elizabeth got busy, so his star may be rising too. Stay tuned…

Most Obvious Tie-In Ever Award:

This of course goes to the previews we saw of the remaining couples meeting Dancing with the Stars professional dancers for ballroom dancing lessons. How convenient that the new season of Dancing with the Stars is starting in just a few weeks? Do you think Jake will make a cameo? I personally can’t wait to see Dave get in touch with what he calls his feminine side while he swings Louis Van Amstel around and around the room like the Beast swung Belle.

So it took two full hours to tell us what we already knew – Tattoo Jesse and Peyton are out. Next week is the series finale where it looks like everyone will come back. And then it looks like there will some part of the show that’s done in front of a live studio audience. Gee, I hope the audience is stacked with lonely single women who are all hoping for a date with one of the hot guys on stage.

Only one person wins this show, not a couple, so it will be interesting to watch the final couple battle it out against each other. How much do you hope the final challenge is Jell-o wrestling and Kiptyn and Tenley end up in the mush pit? Fingers crossed!

Catch you next week for the finale, and don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook to join in the conversation and get bonus stuff whenever my schedule allows it. I have a day job too, y’know!

The Shower of Shame, Pearl Harbor, and Chopping Blocks

2010-09-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay this week. I’ve got a close family member in the hospital, and all of my free time is going to hanging out with her until she’s up and around again. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I missed one second of Monday night’s show. I get to have some fun too this week, right?

Let’s get started…

Most Exaggerated Line of the Night:

Wes at the top of the show saying that it was “…an absolute atrocity…” that Gia went home last time. Really, Wes? An atrocity? The Holocaust was an atrocity. George Bush’s presidency was an atrocity. A horny swimsuit model from New York getting booted from a sleazy reality show and into the arms of her hot-and-heavy boyfriend is the same? Time to take a step back, big guy, and take in the big picture.

Biggest “Get Over It” Moment of the Show:

Dave calls Wes a “jackass” because he is one, and Wes can’t let it go. Awkward silences from all of the others ensue while the two of them start sparring verbally. Wes knows he’s outnumbered and has no more friends now that Gia is history, so all he has left is macho bravado, apparently, and it ain’t workin’ out too well for him. All Dave has to do is remind Wes that he won Best Kisser last week and the smackdown will be done…

Most “WTF?” Part of the Show:

The montage with “Sad Wes” in the swimming ppol. Wait…was he wearing UNDERWEAR in there? Those were boxer briefs and not a swimming suit, right? Um…ew. There’s no liner in boxer briefs, dude. Pubes all over the tub, dude. Barf me out. And what was up with the apparent suicide attempt when he went underwater and tried to sink himself to the bottom by blowing out all his air and staying there? Were we supposed to feel sorry for him? Didn’t work. To me, he was just a creepy tattooed guy in his un-lined underpants holding his breath for attention. Next…

Chris Harrison Fashion Faux Pas of the Night:

The way-too-tight gray sweater he had on during the competition. That thing was stretched so tight around his waist that his love handles had their own handles. If it weren’t for the V-neck, I would have sworn that was a battleship standing next to Melissa’s wildly oscillating arms. You know Chris is sporting a bad outfit when I remember it more than I remember what the hot guys were wearing (or not wearing as the case may be…)

Cattiest Line of the Night:

This one goes to Natalie, who, while describing Krisily, says: “Krisily’s everybody’s enemy because she’s straight up (pregnant pause)… just….(another pause)….a BITCH!” Ah, Natalie. Just when I think you can’t top your lounge prancing last week, you pull out the zinger of the night. All is right with my world now…

Biggest “I’m a Dumb Blonde Even Though I’m Not Naturally a Blonde!” Moment:

Elizabeth, who has to write down how many questions she’s gotten correct on her hand during the competition. Because it’s really tough to keep track of all of those numbers between one and four during a hard-hitting game such as that. And while we’re on the topic of the competition, it’s time for…

The Best Competition EVER in the History of Reality Show Competitions:

Sure, Survivor and Big Brother have done these survey-type things where everyone has to be honest about everyone else and then vote on answers to win points. But those paled in comparison to what these young lovelies were forced to answer Monday night. Whereas Survivor contestants have been thrown such softballs as, “Who does the least work in the camp?” and Big Brother house guests have had to answer, “Who snores the loudest?” these singles got nailed with zingers such as, “Who is the most shallow?” and my favorite of the night, “Who has the worst boob job?” Classic!

I don’t know what was funnier – watching them filling out the survey to choruses of, “Oh no! (head shake and tears)…This is so unfair!” or watching their faces as one by one they found out that they were the answers to the most horrible questions.

Whose reaction was more priceless? Tenley’s face shriveling into a California Raisin as she dutifully tried to answer her survey? Natalie’s look of “I’m A Strong Woman Who Doesn’t Care on the Outside but Who Is Shattered on the Inside” when she found that she was voted “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride”? Or Elizabeth’s awkward looks down at her chest as she was crowned “Miss Bad Boob Job of 2010”?

And what other show could give us better moments than Natalie voting for herself as the dumbest only to have the title stripped away by the dark horse Gwen? Or Kovacs telling us that he knows his girlfriend does indeed have the worst boob job, but that he can’t write that down because then he’s not getting any lovin’ from her for the rest of the show? Or Elizabeth telling us, “I don’t even know what shallow really means!” after being voted Most Shallow by the gang? Or how about Natalie realizing that her boyfriend-of-the-hour Dave just voted her “Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride” thus signaling his intentions to just use her during the show to let out some hormonal urges and win $250,000 but then never call her once taping is done? It’s too hard to choose, n’est-ce pas?

Any way you slice it, this was one of my favorite competitions of all time on any show, hands down. And watching the waterworks afterwards was almost as good, dontcha think? Reality TV perfection…

Most Overused Room of the Series:

The bathroom…and, more specifically, the shower. After being bruised and battered at the competition, Natalie retires to the place where we just heard Kovacs and Elizabeth do the Vertical Viennese Waltz last week. I sure hope they hosed that shower down with Clorox before Natalie got into it and knelt in the corner sobbing. Lord knows what STDs are still lurking in that place. Didn’t you love Gwen’s face as she tried to get into the shower to comfort Natalie? It was like she was drawing back the curtain on some sort of illicit activity that she knew she shouldn’t be watching but was strangely drawn to like Chris Harrison to bad fashion. Maybe being voted dumbest wasn’t such a stretch for our pal Gwen after all?

Most “A Guy Can Dream, Can’t He?” Moment:

Watching Kovacs go INTO the closet to comfort Elizabeth. Sigh…if only he would come OUT of the closet one of these days so at least I’d have a shot. Papa like. I’m just sayin’…

Biggest “AHA!” Moment of the Show

Has it dawned on anyone else that Elizabeth still calls her boyfriend by his last name – Kovacs? What’s up with that? Is that common? I can’t think of one woman I’ve ever known who calls her boyfriend by his last name. I’ve heard Sweetie, Honey, Pookie, A**hole, and Man-Wh*re…but never a last name. What gives? It’s kinda creepy to me. It depersonalizes him in her eyes, I think. Or maybe the producers are making her do it since there are still two Jesse’s left in the competition?

Best Triumphant Return of the Show:

Our old pal the helicopter is back! After appearing in nearly every single episode of Ali’s season, we thought our friend Mr. Helicopter had rotored his last trip. But never one to be counted out, he makes a surprise appearance in this episode as he flies Tenley and Kiptyn to their Dream Date on Catalina Island. For added effect, Kiptyn has to tell us and Tenley about forty times that he’s never been in a helicopter before. We are happy to see the helicopter back assuming it’s rightful place among the stretch limos, the battered taxi vans, and the open-air planes as the transportations of choice for our contestants. Welcome home, Little Buddy!

Biggest “Oh My God Could this Girl BE Any More Disney?!” Scene:

After Kiptyn and Tenley have bored us to tears with their stupid double entendres about zip lining and taking their relationship to new heights (Get it? Cuz when you zip line, you’re up HIGH!), we get a shot of the campsite where they will be having dinner and canoodling for the rest of the night.

And as if the producers haven’t already set Tenley up as a Disney princess with her chirpy voice, her always-sunny disposition, her romantic balletic swirls, and her chastity belt firmly clenched between her thighs, they give us shots of woodland creatures (specifically deer) making their way through the campsite before Tenley and Kiptyn’s arrival. Could this scene have screamed Cinderella or Snow White any more? I fully expected Doc and Dopey and Smarmy (the lesser-known eighth dwarf who was cut from the original film version) to wriggle out from underneath the pillows and the evil stepmother to lock Tenley up high in the tower. We get it, producers…Tenley is sickeningly, vomitously, horrendously pure and perfect and sugar and spice and everything nice. We don’t need deer stalking through her scenes to know that.

But wait…maybe all is not so “Some Day My Prince Will Come” with Tenley? Did you all catch the…

Biggest “I KNEW IT!” Moment:

I have to tell you that I was doing my “Toldja so! Toldja so!” dance around the room when Tenley told us, “I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart…” I KNEW it! Tenley totally threw it down with Jakey Boy in the Fantasy Suite. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, Miss “I’m saving myself until my second marriage” is actually a slut who gives it up to a limousine company owner with killer abs. To be fair, I think most of us would have jumped at a chance to watch ol’ Jake in action nekkid, but I now feel vindicated that Miss Tenley is not as pure as we were led to believe.

Best “You Thought I Was Kinda Smart, but I’m Really Dumber Than Gwen” Line of the Night:

On her date with Tattoo Jesse, Peyton tells him, “I feel like I’m on the Pearl Harbor!” THE Pearl Harbor? Do you mean you feel like you’re in the movie Pearl Harbor, Peyton? Or did you mean that you felt like you were in the midst of one of the worst attacks ever on Americans where thousands of people were killed? Or is there a small plane named the Pearl Harbor where you come from? Either way, your statement is just downright stupid. You know things are bad when you’re sounding dumber than Gwen. Gwen is the chick who let herself in to the Bathtub of Shame and Gonorrhea, right?

Gayest Decorating of the Night:

I am a gay man so I can poke fun at gay decorating. What pilot in their right mind would sit in a gigantic airplane hangar, eat dinner on crushed velvet couches, and then hang parachute fabric from the rafters wafting down softly over the entire scene. I can’t imagine that Tattoo Jesse thought of that himself. Did anyone else notice how the fabric hung just so to create the perfect billowy airy effect? Can you imagine the guy in charge of getting all of that hung up there? “I want more billow! More billow! It’s not parachute-y enough! More hang!” Too too much…

Biggest “Me Show You My True Color” Moment of the Night:

Jesse and Peyton are having a totally awesome airplane date until Jesse starts to sip his martini. His true colors come out in full force the drunker he gets. Poor Peyton gets a full dose of the real Tattoo Jesse as he blows a gigantic, wet burp right in her face. That’ll cut the sexual tension down to zero, huh? Next he tries several times to pick Peyton’s nose, which grosses her out to no end. Then he mixes champagne into his martini and makes Peyton hurl chunks all over the gay guy’s gorgeous parachute material.

Tattoo Jesse is playing the part of the annoying little brother perfectly. I’m shocked they didn’t show him flashing his bare ass and laying a huge fart in her ear for good measure. I still think this guy is totally hot, but he’s definitely one of those guys whose mouth you keep closed and who you don’t bring home to meet Mom.

Most Bummed Couple of the Night:

For the second week in a row, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse only get offered the room upstairs in the mansion instead of a swanky hotel room Fantasy Suite. Last week Dave and Natalie lived it up and humped like monkeys in a Vegas villa while Peyton and Tattoo Jesse had to pretend to have sex when they really didn’t back home in the mansion. Again this week, while Kiptyn and Tenley get to have their Disney Dream Date on Catalina complete with forest creatures and chaise lounges under the stars, Peyton and Tattoo Jesse again get offered a room upstairs from where everyone else sleeps. What gives?

Best “The Producers Totally Fed Me This Line” Line of the Night:

After the fiasco of Peyton and Tattoo Jesse’s date, we for some reason cut to Dave waxing all knowledgeable about their chemistry saying, “Jesse B. and Peyton just aren’t a good mix. Kinda like champagne and vodka…”

Wow! What are the odds that Tattoo Jesse would mix together vodka and champagne and that Dave would use that EXACT MIXTURE to talk about things even though he wasn’t on the date? Geez…Dave is not only hot and the best kisser, but he apparently has super-psychic powers too. Is anyone else not buying this for one second? That line was fed to him pure and simple. Oh, and Dave needs to shave off that scraggly beard. He’s hotter without it.

Most Overused Phrase of the Season:

Normally I get on this show’s case for how many times the words “amazing”, “journey”, or “awesome” are used over and over and over every episode. But for this series we have a new clear favorite “go to” phrase: “chopping block”. I kept count last night, and “chopping block” was uttered 16 times. Yup…16! And over half of those times it was said by Krisily and Kovacs combined. When you really think about what “chopping block” means, it’s actually kind of a grisly metaphor to be using over and over. None of these contestants are getting their heads actually chopped off for real. I think they need to use a different term to mix it up a bit. How about “Krisily Cutter” or “Kovacs Cleaver”? Let’s get creative here, producers!

So that’s about the size of it this week. Hope you’re enjoying these shortened postings. And I hope you’ll “tell a friend” to come “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook so we can get more fans. Catch you next week!

Black Boxes, Cottage Cheese, and Pepto Bismol!

2010-08-24T19:09:00.001-07:00

Boy, this week didn’t disappoint in the trashy department, huh? It doesn’t get much skankier than mashing lips and swapping saliva with eight or nine other people while blindfolded. Geez…I thought it was going to just be pecks on the lips – not full on tongues down throats!

Due to me being off of my summer schedule now, this week’s posting is going to be a “Best and Worst” format. Life is hectic right now (those of you who know me personally know why!) Hopefully next week I can do more. Onward…

Most “Oh My God Will You Please Just Shut Up Already?” Person on the Show:

Hands down…Gia. That girl got more air time last night than Kiptyn’s abs and David’s lips combined (Ooo…now THERE’S a vision…combine those two…) At the start of the show she was calling Big Nikki out for having waffled on her voting on the previous episode, but poor Nikki couldn’t get a word in edgewise as Gia kept pounding home the point that Nikki was wrong. Every time Nikki opened her mouth to defend herself, Gia was there with a retort to put her back in her place. Shut up already!

Then, throughout the whole show, all we heard about was how torn Gia was because she has a boyfriend back home and all the shenanigans in the house and her sudden, apparent lust for Wes have thrown the relationship with said boyfriend into a tizzy. “I don’t know what to do! I can’t do this! I have a boyfriend! I am way less attractive now that everyone has seen my true personality!” Wah wah wah…she goes on and on. Shut up already ! (Part 2)

I actually liked Gia on Jake’s season and was kinda rootin’ for her back then. Last night, I was just so glad to see her finally go. Why come on this show if you know you have a serious boyfriend back home and you know the producers are going to subject you to all sorts of temptations? And then to make matters worse, why complain about it over and over and over again. Enough. Girl got to go…

Grand Prize Winner of the “Your Parents Must Be So Proud!” Award

This, of course, goes to Natalie – that gorgeous skank of a girl who uttered such demure lines as, “I would make out with every guy in this house for $25!” and “This is the best Vegas date I’ve ever had!” (Implying that there has been more than one…or maybe implying that it was better than being dumped by Jason in Vegas? Who knows…)

Not only does she say she’s a skank, she shows us by being the only girl to take her top off at the topless pool. And the producers have a field day as they again bring out the black boxes and strategically place them over her boobs as she frolics in the pool with Dave and the other girls.

So now Natalie has had every private area black-boxed out. Can you imagine her parents kicking back at home last night watching this all unfold?

“Um, Joe? Why are those annoying black boxes all over Natalie all the time? Is there something wrong with our TV?”

“No, Sweetie. There’s something wrong with the part of our daughter’s brain that makes good decisions.”

Wouldn’t you just LOVE to be a fly on the wall during Thanksgiving at THAT household this year?

Most Contrived “I Don’t Believe It For A Second” Romance on the Show So Far This Season:

Wes and Gia, of course. First off, it’s very obvious the producers are trying really, really hard to make sure we know Wes isn’t the horrible guy they painted him to be during Jillian’s season. I’m not sure why they have done this big about-face with him, but they have been building this courtship with Gia like he’s the perfect Texas gentleman cowboy. I keep expecting evil Wes to burst out and cackle that he really has fourteen girlfriends back home and he’s playing Gia like a fiddle, but it never happens.

I can see what Wes sees in Gia (smokin’ hot bikini model bod…duh), but I can’t for the life of me figure out what Gia sees in Wes. He’s an attractive guy, I guess, but she’s a sophisticated New York City model with a serious boyfriend back home. Why is she snuggling up to him and eating up every one of his cheesy lines? Does she not hear, like we can, how robotic Wes’s voice is as he lays all of the compliments on so heavy? He doesn’t mean a word.

This whole romance screams “Contrived by the producers!” and I am not buying it for one second.

Best Use of Music During the Episode:

As the kissing contest starts and the studly guys are grabbing the ladies by the jaws and plunking their lips down, quasi-porno music plays in the background and it all gets a little “Showtime After Hours”. But the moment it’s Weather Man’s turn, they roll out the dumbass “This guy has no idea what he’s doing” music. Hilarious transition there. Poor guy…

Lamest Reason to Bow Out of a Kissing Contest:

Ashley: “I don’t want to lose the respect of my students!...Money can’t buy the respect of my students!”

OK…let me break it down for you, Ashley. On Jake’s season, you came out to a cocktail party dressed in a flight attendant’s outfit that was only a bit less skimpy than the one worn by Lolita Humpalot in her last tour de force Four in a Cockpit. And we all saw where THAT got you, right? You slutted it up and Jake dumped you like a skanky blonde from Swampville, Florida. That outfit absolutely SCREAMED slutty. But apparently, it didn’t force you to lose the respect of your students. (In fact, I would guess that several of your students – particularly the male ones—gained MORE respect for you, right?)

Then, after seeing that whole debacle on national TV and how you were edited to be a slutty flight attendant when you were really just a slutty high school teacher, you sign a contract to appear on yet ANOTHER skanky show by the same producers. Hoping what? That they would make you less slutty this time around? I’m not following the logic here.

Then, in an apparent moment of clarity (“Oh holy mother of all that is good…what have I DONE?!”) you suddenly realize that getting blindfolded and kissing ten guys who have all been slurping on ten other ladies probably won’t go over so well with the teenage crowd – and, more importantly, their parents.

Ashley, sweetie, I’m here to tell you that you lost all respect of anyone when you signed up to do the original Bachelor show. I actually think we would have had MORE respect for you if you had gone full bore last night and hopped on to every set of lips parked in front of your face. And what if you had WON?! Damn, talk about respect amongst your students. Winning something like that would up your cachet WAY more at school than coaching the Glee Club or directing the fall production of Our Town. You know I’m right, Ash. Think about it.

Biggest Shock on Last Night’s Show:

No…it wasn’t who got booted off or that Natalie’s boobies were flying free. It was how short Gia is! Did anyone else notice during the kissing contest how far down all the guys had to stoop to reach her lips? It was almost comical for some of them. How is this girl a model? Don’t models have to be at least, like, 7’3” or something? This girl is positively puny. I guess with the kind of (ahem) “bikini modeling” she does, she lies down more than she stands up, so it doesn’t make a difference.

Oh, wait. I just did a search and found this clip where she’s standing up a lot. I stand corrected: Click Here for Soft Porn Gia!

She’s still pretty short, though.

Most Disgusting Scene of the Night:

Elizabeth, after she has made out hot and heavy with Weather Guy, spitting out a mouthful of what looked like his spit bubbles mixed with her spit bubbles mixed with her vomit mixed with cottage cheese. What WAS that coming out of her mouth? So gross…

Best Insight Into a Contestant’s Personality:

Wes, when he says that the kissing contest freaked him out because he’s a germaphobe. Then he tells us he’s not into women kissing him aggressively, “…unless I’m absolutely hammered.” These lines just kinda write themselves, don’t they?

Biggest Laugh Out Loud Moment of the Season So Far:

There are few times during any of these shows where I literally LOL, but I was really cracking up at one scene in particular last night. On their Las Vegas date, while Dave and Krisily are canoodling on a chaise and Krisily is mustering up the wherewithal to tell Dave she actually may have some feelings for him, we cut to a shot of Natalie leaping across all the chaise lounges like she’s skipping freely through a meadow of unicorns and leprechauns. We cut back to a shot of Dave, open-mouthed as Natalie’s boobies bounce along with her, and then cut to a priceless shot of Krisily’s face crumpling with depression as she realizes that Natalie has totally stolen her mojo. Dave is never going to be into her with THAT bouncing around all over the place like Tigger with a boob job.

I truly laughed hard at this scene. There was something about the way they cut to Natalie bounding across the lounges that was just perfectly timed and hilarious.

Most Ironic Line of the Night:

Dave and Natalie have just agreed to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite. Dave tells us they have been friends for a while and that he’s interested to ~~take her for a test run and see how her boobs feel and if she’s as good in bed as the 47 other former contestants say she is~~ see if maybe their friendship can go to the next level. They make out a bunch and then end up on the bed.

As things get hot and heavy, Dave gets up to shut the door and says, “She’s a real straight-up person!” but we can clearly see that Natalie is reclining back in her best “I’m ready for my close-up…oh…and sex!” pose in the background. There is absolutely nothing "straight up" about Natalie at that point. She's down and dirty, pure and simple.

Lamest Date of the Season:

Going drag racing, right? You do it alone. There’s no way to share it with your date since you sit in a car by yourself and race them. And it seemed like a good deal of the races were between the guys with Peyton just watching. Obviously, the producers again want us to believe that these dates spark romance, but I’m not buyin’ it. This was just an excuse to get some “vroom vroom” shots of the guys being all testosterone-filled (which they didn’t even play up that much).

This date was SO BORING! I’ll tell you how boring it was:

This date was so boring that they forced Kovacs and Peyton to eat at a skanky-looking burrito stand. Dave and the girls got topless pools in Vegas, and THIS was the best they could muster for poor ol’ Peyton and Co.?

This date was so boring, they had to show us Kovacs and Kiptyn sitting in the bleachers with a picnic basket between them like a gay couple (and what a couple that would make, huh? Woof!) talking strategy since Peyton chose Tattoo Jesse for the alone time.

This date was so boring that the rose Peyton pins on Tattoo Jesse is at full sideways tilt before he even turns around. Even the flowers can’t stay awake. (And while we’re on the subject…shouldn’t a prerequisite of this show be that you know how to properly pin a flower on a lapel? C’mon, ladies…it’s not that hard!)

This date was so boring that the “Fantasy Suite” (if you can call it that this season) is actually the locked room upstairs in the mansion where everyone else can hear the bed bumping (or not) and the couples moaning (or not). It’s like bringing your date home to sleep at your parents’ house. Not much fun gonna happen there…

Line I’d Most Love to Respond to Personally:

Kiptyn telling Peyton, “I want you to tell me how my bumper is. Make sure everything’s clean back there.”

‘Nuff said…

Biggest “Ouch! That’s Gotta Sting at Least a Little!” Line of the Night:

Tie

1. After spending the night with Peyton in the Fantasy Suite, Tattoo Jesse tells us, “She’s just someone who will make someone a good wife some day.” Which is hot guy talk for, “She wouldn’t put out even though the producers cut in shots of the two of us lying suggestively head to toe on the bed together.”

2. How hard did we all laugh as Kiptyn literally kicked Tenley out of his bed? I only wish we could have more shots of her face crumpling afterwards.

Weirdest Fashion Statement:

TIE

1. Dave’s morning headband. I mean, really, WTF? Did you see him in those shots as Peyton and Tattoo Jesse came down from the Fantasy Suite? He had some sort of black band wrapped around his head like he didn’t want to muss his hair or something. What was up with that?

2. Chris Harrison’s Pepto-Bismol shirt. Talk about your upset stomach and diarrhea…I’m all for guys wearing pink, but tone it down about 23 shades, Chris.

3. Nikki’s GIGANTIC turquoise necklace on the Las Vegas date. I always say everything about this girl has to be big, and she certainly did not disappoint with this one. She could barely hold her neck up straight.

4. Melissa’s dress at the Rose Ceremony. That one just sent me over the edge. What was up with all the crap fluttering on her chest? She looked like a cross between a fashionable ostrich and a molting swan. it was like one of her rejected Dancing with the Stars outfits. Just horrible…

Most “You Finally Listened to My Advice!” Person on the Show:

Surprisingly, this one goes to Melissa. I have been harping and harping on her all season for how much she over-uses her hands, arms, and gestures. Well, tonight her hands barely budged for the whole two hours. I don’t give her complete credit, though, since it’s plain to see that the gigantic red, plastic bracelet on one of her wrists is clearly holding everything down. But I’m all for whatever makes her remember to stop gesticulating wildly. Go girl!

Line That I Need a Stoner to Explain to Me:

After being eliminated, Weather Guy is doing his back seat limo interview and tells us, “This game is like love and life amplified and compacted.” Drop some LSD and discuss. Woah…dude….

Biggest “Ooo! I Can’t WAIT!” Moment:

TIE

1. In the previews for next week, we see the competition is going to be everyone answering really scandalous questions about each other: “Who has the worst boob job? Who is the fakest?” I can’t wait to hear the answers and see the reactions of the people who are going to be the answers to those questions. We get tons of shots of all kinds of girls sobbing and hiding their faces in shame. Awesome stuff.

2. During one commercial break, they announce that ABC will run a “live news conference” (whatever the heck THAT means) to announce the newest cast for Dancing with the Stars. Bring it on!

I hope that was enough to satisfy your trash TV appetites this week. Some of you tell me that you like these types of postings better than the ones with all of the details anyway, so hopefully I have appeased at least a few of you! But I’m sorry this one is shorter than usual.

Keep showing me your support by liking After the Rose over on Facebook. Over 600 people read this blog last week, but only 28 people like my Facebook page? So sad. Show me some love…pretty please?

Catch you next week for all of the post-“Who has the worst boob job?” drama!

Bachelor Pad -- Episode Two, or "Lavender Oil, Fashion Faux Pas, and Hookers in Tutus"

2010-08-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, Bachelor Pad fans!

Well, this week we added a new continent to our fan base. I see on my little map that this blog had a hit from Egypt this past week, so I want to welcome the continent of Africa to our little party here. That officially makes fans from six of the seven continents. If any of you know a scientist or penguin down in Antarctica who’s a fan of train wreck TV, let them know about this site!

Also this week there were hits from the Czech Republic, Barbados, and Peru. Welcome, welcome one and all! Thanks for checking this site out and telling your friends about it around the world.

Now let’s get to last night…

First of all, I have to say that two hours is definitely too long for this show. Last week made sense since they spent a long time introducing all of the contestants coming out of their limos and showing clips of them getting dumped. That took up a good half hour. But last night just felt really long – especially when I looked at the clock and realized that after the second date was done there was still going to be half an hour until the Rose Ceremony.

If the show were an hour long, I think it would be too short, but two hours is too long. I like that two hours lets us see much more of everyone’s personalities and all of the backstabbing, etc., but there isn’t enough of all of that (yet) and most of it just feels like way over-edited filler. Maybe ABC could run it as an hour and a half and then fill in the empty half hour with a rerun of Modern Family? Just a suggestion…

Onward…

The Pie Eating Contest, or Is That a Cherry on Your Neck, or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

After re-running the exact same season preview that they ran at the start of the show last week (“Writhing mostly-nude bodies! Crotch close-ups! Hand vomiting! Tears! Tears! More tears!), the producers cut to a shot of everyone who survived last week’s Rose Ceremony coming back inside the mansion and happy they aren’t in the back of a limo right now.

Champagne glasses magically appear in all of their hands, and they all cheers each other. Dave tells us he’s happy he wasn’t the first one kicked off. Jesse K. tells us that he was “super nervous” about being first, and his sorta-girlfriend Elizabeth says the same.

Then Jesse tells us that he’s learned his lesson after coming so close to being eliminated last week. He hurt Elizabeth and she’s tight with a lot of girls who can vote him out. “I’m actually realizing being in a couple is a better strategy than being alone,” he tells us. Unfortunately, Jesse, you’re in a couple with a chick who’s being edited to look all kinds of psycho, so this may not be the best strategy for you. Fair warning.

Next we cut to Natalie and Tattoo Jesse walking outside. “God you’re sexy,” Jesse whispers, and I’m not sure if he’s talking to Natalie or actually addressing his creator. I’ll assume it’s Natalie he means (but that will change once she comes out in that god-awful pink tutu she wears during the Rose Ceremony later…)

They sit outside on a couch and Jesse tells Natalie that he trusts her. To us he says, “She’s a rad chick,” and I feel just a little bummed that it seems Jesse is one of those guys who is smokin’ hot hot hot until he opens his mouth and tries to talk. Bummer.

On the couch, Natalie is getting all insecure about Jesse liking her. She’s worried about her hair and worried that Jesse is so hot. “I haven’t met someone like him in like…ever!” she enthuses. I’m guessing that by doing Bachelor reunion cruises and the college bar “meet and greet” circuit, Natalie’s not really meeting the cream of the crop in terms of guys who’d like a long-term relationship. Check out some of the followers on her Twitter page for the evidence of that: Natalie's Twitter Page

Natalie quickly gets over all of her insecurities, however, as Tattoo Jesse leans in for a big make-out session and starts to pin her back down on the couch. Her mom must be so proud to watch her daughter go at it with a basic stranger! Brings tears to the eyes, doesn’t it?

We go to a commercial, and when we come back it’s morning time. We get lots of shots of people looking bleary and rubbing their eyes.

Big Nikki apparently wakes up in game mode because she’s already got her mouth going with some of the girls about some of the cliques she sees forming in the house. At this point, she calls it “the vocal girls” against the “cutesy, sweet” girls which is Big Nikki code for, “Those loud bitches are working my last nerve!”

Peyton lays it out by getting more specific. She tells Nikki that their little clique includes the two of them, Gwen, Krisily, and Gia. Ooo…battle lines being drawn…

Everyone gathers in the living room and Melissa comes in to tell them all to “Get up and get outside!” for this week’s challenge. We’ve already seen in the previews that the contestants are about to have a pie-eating contest and that it ain’t gonna be pretty.

“I hate pie,” Gia says, which automatically makes her my frontrunner for winning this. She’s concerned that the guys want her out because she’s a super hot chick with a bangin’ bod who has a boyfriend back home and is therefore off limits to them all. Why would they want to keep a girl like that around? Gia wants to know.

Chris Harrison is outside too and lets them know that guys and girls will compete separately. Because we all know how much Gwen can wolf down and it just wouldn’t be a fair fight between her and the burly guys, right?

Melissa tells the contestants that the first person to finish all of their pie will be the winner and that (GASP!) they are not allowed to use their hands! I mean, have you ever HEARD of such a thing? No hands at a pie-eating contest?! But that will mean that they will get their faces all messy! It might even go in their hair and down their necks! You are a smooth, crafty one Mrs. Rycroft-Strickland.

I laugh at the irony that she says they can’t use their hands while she uses her hands to show them that they can’t use their hands. This girl is totally useless on this show. Why is she even there? I guess the producers thought that since it’s guys and girls in the house that they needed a guy and girl host. Fail on that one, producers.

And can we just stop for a moment and discuss Chris Harrison’s wardrobe throughout this episode? I mean, what the heck? The shirt he’s wearing for this segment looks like a blue-and-white checkered tablecloth that they might lay down for the next round of pie-eating. If any of you are interested in emulating the esteemed Mr. Harrison’s swingin’ style, I found it on sale for you at Sur Le Table: Click Here and You Too Can Look Like Chris Harrison!

(Sadly, his fashion choices get worse as the night progresses. More on that later…)

The pie-eating contest is about to begin, but now we see Krisily approaching Chris looking like she’s about ready to break down. She informs him that she had her gall bladder removed and that her system won’t be able to handle eating all of that pie. “$250,000 is not worth going to the hospital!” she tells him, and I quite agree (although wasn’t there just a teensy part of you that hoped she went for it anyway and ended up in the ER? Just a TEENSY bit? Anyone? Sigh…)

Dave is the first contestant of the evening to use the mind-numbingly repeated phrase of the night – “chopping block”. I stopped counting but “chopping block” had to have been said at least ten times last night, so it now counts as an official drinking game, replacing Crazy Kasey’s “guard and protect her heart” from last season.

Dave tells us that Krisily is “definitely on the chopping block” and that it was a bad move to have bowed out of the pie-eating. “She should have tried to suck it up,” he announces to the camera. Um, Dave, girl has no gall bladder. That means she can’t process fats too well, which I’m guessing are the main ingredients in not only the filling, but also the crust. Ease up and take off your shirt so we can all ogle you. There. Good boy…

The ladies are up first. We get a funny shot of them all sitting down at the long picnic table and removing their tops at the same time to reveal bikini tops and sports bras. This is how Bachelor Pad does “Hot Girl” pie-eating, I guess.

Chris counts them down and yells, “Go!” and the ladies have at the pie. Right off the bat, things get gross as pie debris gets mashed into everyone’s faces. Elizabeth nicely tells us that the pie tastes like when you throw up just a little pie in your mouth. “It was absolutely disgusting!” she yells, and we thank her oh-so-much for that graphic description as we all throw up just a little bit for real in our own mouths listening to her.

Tenley is the queen of going from an angelic, cherubic expression to ones of utter horror and terror, and this contest is no exception. Why can I not stop laughing whenever I see Tenley’s face contorted into paroxysms of pain and emotion? “I don’t like it anymore!” she wails, but keeps at it. Then we get some great in-your-face close-ups of her starting to heave.

“This is brutal to watch, “ Kiptyn now says as he watches the girl he supposedly is crushing on spewing pie chunks all over the assemblage. Yeah, Kiptyn, that’s the mouth you’re gonna be kissin’ on later. Enjoy that, OK?

Big Nikki sums up my thoughts exactly when she says, “I’m surprised any of these boys would be romantically interested in any of us after seeing all that.” Then we cut to shots of more gagging, puking into buckets, and Natalie running over to the bushes in her effort to avoid hurling on her friends. I think a lot of these barf shots were staged, but the producers got the intended effect. It was all super gross.

For his part, Dave waxes philosophical and tells us that the whole experience “…brought us all together…” Tenley keeps making hilarious faces like she’s either having a surprise colonoscopy or like her mom just told her that her favorite little kitty cat just got run over by the garbage truck. “I don’t want to get disqualified!” she yells as she plugs away at what has now become her pie sludge.

Over on the other side of the table, the producers have begun the set-up for one of the fakest romances on the show so far. Wes is standing behind Gia and coaching her on how to get her pie out of the tin and down her gullet. “Listening to his voice made me get through it,” Gia sighs. Now I’m puking too.

We get a funny cut-away interview with Fake Flight Attendant Ashley, who still has pie debris caked all over her face. She can’t believe that the two smallest girls there – Tenley and Gia – are neck-and-neck for the win here. Neither can I until I realize that Gia is a model and is probably used to eating a lot of food but never gaining weight or getting bigger. You can read into that what you will. I’m just sayin’ I wasn’t too surprised when she won.

So Gia wins the pie-eating contest. She’s excited. We cut to a shot of Tenley on her knees in the grass. We cut to a commercial just in time for it to be the guys’ turn next. “I’m not going into it feeling like I’m the Number One,” Weather Man warns us, and so we know he’s going to win for the guys before the contest even starts.

We’re back from commercial now and the guys are taking their turn sitting down at the long picnic table. Immediately, I notice a major double-standard happening. Why did the girls all take their tops off, but the guys are keeping their shirts on? Harumph…

Weather Man again tells us he’s not going to win. “I am an underdog. I am definitely on the chopping block!” he bemoans. (Hoist ‘em if you got ‘em!)

Jesse K. is confident. All the big burly guys think they have this in the bag, and their girls all think so too. This just makes us seasoned reality TV veterans know that the burly guys will be the first ones blowing chunks, right?

They get to the pie, but not before we get a cutaway interview with Elizabeth who not only has pie debris caked all over her face, but also all the way down her neck. How long do you think the producers made the girls all wear their pie before they got to wash it off?

“The guys can eat everything all over the house, and we get to the competition and they sucked!” Elizabeth complains.

This is an understatement as we see the bigger guys slow down after only a few bites, while the smaller guys like Weather Man and Craig are happily plugging away. At one point, Craig even takes his manly, full head of flowing hair and rubs it all inside the pie filling. “My hair’s a multi-purpose tool!” he shouts. “It can suck up some pie!” Visions of, “Feed me, Seymour! Feed me!’ pop into our heads as Craig’s hair now has taken on a life of its own. Chris Harrison notes that this hair-dipping is a good strategy, and who knows? Cherry pie filling may even turn out to be a good conditioner. (Mental note to watch Craig’s hair for the rest of the show to see how this all turns out for him.)

Next we cut away to Rat Fink Jessie and she has the requisite “I-finished-eating-pie-three-hours-ago-but-the-producers-won’t-let-me-wash-it-off-until-after-I-do-my-interview-and-they-made-me-wait-to-be-last-so-it’s-REALLY-gnarly-and-hardened-now” look on her face as she tells us that Weather Man is “like a machine” when he eats. Tenley tells us she wants Kiptyn to win and secretly hopes he didn’t see her face as she was hurling pie chunks everywhere.

Now it’s down to Weather Man, Kiptyn, and Wes, who are all very close to being done. And of course Weather Man wins since he’s been saying this whole time that he won’t. Dave is impressed. “It was impressive,” he says. “He’s good at eatin’ pie. He’s got that goin’ for him. I’m dumb as a stump, but these are my nipples. Check 'em out...”

Melissa gives Gia and Weather Man their roses and we get a really funny quick shot of Craig’s hair, which he has now spiked up with cherry pie sludge to look like Ed Grimley from Saturday Night Live. If you don’t know who that is, think Alfalfa from The Little Rascals meets Pee Wee Herman.

Jesse K. is pissed he lost. Craig is nervous since he knows he’s not safe this week. “I need that rose,” he says. At this point in the competition, the producers have totally dropped any formality with people’s names. Jonathan is always “Weather Man” in the titles under his interviews. Jesse K. is always “Kovacs”. So I will switch to those too for continuity’s sake.

Weather Man’s Date with the Girls, or “Buffet and Bikini Date with Christ”

After the pie-eating, the conniving begins about who will invite whom on dates. Gia clutches her stomach and sits outside with Weather Man strategizing. Gia is smart enough to see the divisions already in the house and knows that Natalie, Elizabeth, and Tenley will all vote together. She tells Weather Man that he needs to save some of the girls in the outsider group if they have a shot of winning this.

Next the fake doorbell rings (yay!) and it heralds the arrival of the first Date Card of the night.

Krisily takes a page from Ali’s book and tells us that it’s “impor-int” for the guys to like and trust her so she can stay as long as possible. “The only way to be safe is to hope Weather Man takes me out on the date and try to get a rose,” Krisily tells us in her apparently broken English and tobacco-scarred voice.

Then, in our first major editing faux pas of the series, we see her walk into the house via a back or side door to deliver the Date Card. I presume the ominous doorbell sound was supposed to be coming from the FRONT door, right? Then why is the card coming in a side door with curtains in front of it?

Weather Man reads his Date Card aloud: “Reveal your true selves. No brushes allowed! Which three ladies will be joining you?” They’re not even trying this season, huh?

He picks Gwen first, which shocks her as much as it does us. He puts on a faux-flattering voice and tells the group it’s because she rooted him on. “I probably couldn’t have eaten all that pie without you,” he says to her.

Next he picks Peyton (no reason given) and then lastly chooses Ashley (again…no reason given). Cut to a shot of Krisily with a fake smile on her face, seething that she didn’t get picked.

Kovacs notices that Weather Man only chose girls who “…haven’t hooked up with anyone in the house.” Weather Man tells us that those are exactly the girls he needs on his side. “This is business, and we’ve got stuff to talk about.” Again, this is the weakest part of the show for me. These shouldn’t be called dates. They should be called rewards or perks or something. No one is under any delusions that there will be actual romance. The only reason people invite or get invited on dates is for strategy pure and simple.

The foursome gets into a limo and ends up in a warehouse-looking district. I cross my fingers that there won’t be some lame rock group playing music just around the corner, and (PHEW!) they go inside to do what else? Body painting! As in…literally using your body as a brush to paint.

Melissa is waiting for them inside and tells them with an interpretative hand dance to have fun body painting. Then she struts out in her very high heels and black sparkly pants.

Ashley is nervous and says she would never have done something like this before. I like her and believe her. She seems like one of those “fish out of water” types on this show. I’m not sure why she was cast over other, more volatile girls, other than maybe she was the only one left who wanted to do the show, still had a knockout body, and cleared the STD screenings. She seems too wholesome and innocent to be on this porno of a show.

Weather Man is there to break the tension, though, as he holds up his fingers in a rock star pose behind a screen and yells, “Are you ready for ‘Speedo the Sequel’?” The girls all laugh and clutch at themselves as he comes out in the same Speedo he wore for the calendar shoot during Ali’s season – although this time there’s no wussy duckie innertube to wrap around his nether regions. It’s all out there for the world to see (or not see as the case may be…ahem…)

The girls remark how timid he was before and how confident he is now. “This time he’s as smooth as can be!” one says, and it makes me realize that Weather Guy has absolutely not one hair anywhere on his body besides his head. Not one. Chest, legs, back, face…all completely smooth, which just adds to his overall weird look in that Speedo.

The girls strip down to their bikinis and the fun begins. Weather Guy suggests they make their handprints all around the edges of the canvas. Ooo…that’s hot! Then, of course, the fun ramps up as they start pouring paint on each other and rolling around on canvas on the floor. One of the girls dumps a whole bucket of paint on him and he does his interview with green goo flowing down his head and face. All is going according to plan, he tells us.

Next we see a shot of Peyton on her belly with her arms and legs in the air. They are spinning her around in the slippery paint. She tells them that she feels like a human merry-go-round. “Who wants a ride?” she asks, and I laugh out loud at the double-entendre.

Back at the mansion we get scenes of hot tub and outdoor frivolity. It sounds like a frat party is going on with whoops and laughing and naked bodies. Cut to an interior shot of Krisily and Nikki and Gia inside and feeling bitter. They know they are now officially on the outside even though they are now sitting inside (Oh, the irony!)

They make plans for trying to keep themselves around longer. They think they should keep Craig around since that will force the insider girls to have to vote out an insider guy, thus reducing their numbers. Then the outsiders will have a clear majority. Gia thinks she has the power to change the game.

Krisily tells the group of bitter babes, “If it all works out, it might possibly be the best rose ceremony EVER!” Um, Krisily, that’s Chris Harrison’s line. You over-stepped your bounds. There’s a car to take you away now. Here’s a carton of Marlboros and some Rice-a-Roni. Thanks for playing. Buh-bye…

Back on the date we get a weird religious reference as the camera closes in on what looks like a holy scene on stained glass. Have they been body painting in a church?! Is Gwen leading them all in Bible verses? Have they accidentally been doing this all in a nunnery? As the camera pulls out, we realize it’s just supposed to be cool art on a warehouse wall that hangs over what looks like a buffet table. Jesus would be proud.

“It’s amazing how much body painting can take out of you!” one of the girls says in her most vapid way. Poor thing. You must be so tired after all of that rolling around in your swimsuit on national TV. Take a break and eat some food under a depiction of the Passion of the Christ, OK?

Weather Man pulls Peyton aside first. On the regular show, this would be a time to get to know each other and see if there’s any chemistry. But tonight it’s all strategy. Peyton says that the house is split and he agrees. He thinks the ladies should vote off Kiptyn this week and also tells her that Gia is on their side too. Peyton says she’s on board with the plan. “Mission accomplished!” Weather Guy tells us. Such a romantic ending, dontcha think?

Back at the mansion, Kiptyn is wondering why Weather Guy chose the girls he did. Natalie says Weather Guy is clever and a “…smart little cherry wolfer…” Elizabeth tells them that she thinks Ashley will stay on their side, although she acknowledges that Ashley is smart and is playing the game hard like everyone else.

Now we go back to Weather Man’s date, and he’s chatting with Ashley. She says she’s nervous because she’s close with the insider girls. Weather Guy advises her to “…look out for Number One or don’t…” and says she has to do what’s best to keep herself in the game. The camera gives us a close-up of her holding Weather Man’s hand and touching his arm while they talk, but again I’m not buying that there was one second of romance between them on this date.

Weather Guy tells us that his biggest goal was to get Ashley to flip to the outsiders’ side, and he thinks he did it. He says he feels like a Puppet Master, which must make Ashley feel real good watching the playback at home.

Now it’s time for one-on-one with Gwen. I immediately notice that the music changes for this part to something that kind of sounds like New Orleans jazz. Also, Gwen gets her date up outside on the roof and not inside like the other two. This is the part of the show where the producers attempt to make us believe that sparks are flying when they really never started.

They get to chatting and discover that they have SO MUCH in common! They both love tennis, they both love to be creative, they both love Positano, Italy, they both breathe oxygen, and they both know how to spell their own names. Ooo…that’s a foundation for romance if I’ve ever heard one.

Weather Guy leaves the rooftop to go get something and we get a sad sack shot of Ashley as she watches him pick up the rose, but not give it to her. Instead, he heads back up to the roof and asks Gwen if she will accept it. She of course says yes since no one knows who she is and so her days are even more numbered now. Girl needs all the safety she can get.

“Gwen is hot head to toe,” Weather Guy says, but then we get an interview with Gwen where she tells us the truth: “A lot of people in the house think Jonathan likes me, but that’s not gonna happen…in a million years…guaranteeing that!” Ouch, Weather Guy!

We find out that he should have kept his libido in his Speedo and given the rose to Ashley. She tells us that she committed to him, but now that she didn’t get a rose she’s not sure what she’s going to do in terms of voting.

And fade to a commercial…

Gia’s Date with the Guys, or “If This Tent’s Moroccan, Don’t Bother Knockin’!”

We come back to all the guys trying to kiss up to Gia since she gets to decide which three guys are going on the next date with her. She opts to take Weather Man outside for some alone time to recap his date. She wants Craig to get the rose tonight, but Weather Man doesn’t trust Craig. Gia reminds him that both he and Craig are outsiders and so they have to stick together. He suddenly sees the light and agrees….Craig should get the rose tonight.

Then he tells Gia that Ashley is on their side now. He worked his manly charms on her and spun her into his web of deceit and intrigue. Gia quickly dashes this fantasy world by telling him that Ashley is in no way on their side and that she lied to Weather Man on their date. “Do not trust Ashley!” Gia reprimands him.

Peyton comes over and Gia wants her to tell Weather Man too not to trust Ashley. Peyton confirms that Ashley is lying and Weather Man backs off and says he’ll stick with the original plan of making sure Craig gets the rose tonight.

“You’re so blinded by it all and I love you and I want you here!” Gia laments. They hug and all is right with the Bachelor Pad world. I’m getting tired of Weather Man on this episode. Enough airtime already…

The scary doorbell rings again and Kovacs goes outside to scoop up the Date Card. He says that Craig is on the chopping block (OK drinkers…take your shots!) and then Craig also tells us he is on the chopping block (Hic!) just in case we weren’t aware that there was a block used for chopping and that he was on it right now. No…really…

Gia reads the Date Card out loud: “Love is intense (in tents?) Now it’s time to pick your date. Which three men will you choose?” Another lame card. Boo hiss.

Gia first chooses Wes since we saw the chemistry building up during the pie-eating when he told her to dump the crust out of the tin and on to the table. Gia selects Craig next, and we cut to a shot of Natalie laughing at that. Gia has one name left and she tells the crowd that she’s going to put the other guys’ names on pieces of paper and put them into a bowl to randomly draw out the last name. They all think this is a fun, fair way to do it, but sneaky Gia has a few tricks up her sleeve. She has secretly written Tattoo Jesse’s name on ALL the slips of paper so it HAS to be him as the winner! Genius, huh?

So of course she selects Tattoo Jesse’s name as the third guy for the date. She says she needs him on her side since he’s not really an insider either (even though he’s makin’ it with Natalie who IS an insider). Gia thinks she has a lot of control tonight and she tells us she’s “nervous excited” for the date to begin.

And now a word from our sponsors…

We come back to the show and Gia, her gigantic earrings, and her three guys are in a limo pulling up to where their date will be. We see a big, Moroccan-style tent set up in the distance. “It’s no longer a popularity contest,” Gia assures us. “I’m going with making the game fair.”

They all walk into the tent, which is very plush and filled with pillows and gold-colored accessories everywhere. They use words like “intense”, “awesome”, and “beautiful” and I notice no one used words like post-Byzantine, neo-African, or High Colonial. Guess we took different Art History classes in college, huh?

So if Weather Man’s date was totally useless, Gia’s is even worse since she has a serious boyfriend at home. Before it even starts we know there will be no making out, no naked bodies, no nuttin’. Tattoo Jesse tells us he’s been wanting to meet Gia for quite some time and that he wants to get to know her.

Craig gets the first one-on-one time with Gia where he tells her he knows he’s an underdog this week.

(Cut back quickly to the mansion where Kiptyn is telling Kovacs he knows he’s screwed if Craig gets the rose tonight. Kovacs thinks HE might be next to go, not Kiptyn. It’s just all so much to keep track of, isn’t it?)

Now we are back with Craig and Gia and Gia lives up to her dumb model stereotype by telling him, “I know you’re thinking your fate relies in my hands.” Huh? “relies in my hands”? Maybe she meant lies down again? But then how could Craig’s fate do THAT?! I don’t get it…

Gia tells Craig flat out that she will be giving him the rose tonight. She lays out the outsider girls’ strategy, he smiles, they hug, and it’s a done deal. Or is it? Craig says he believes her when she says he’ll get the rose tonight. “She made me feel at ease,” he tells us, but forgets that’s what ~~hookers~~ models are paid to do.

(We get a quick cut back to the mansion where nothing of note happens except for the fact that Elizabeth has yet another hairdo. Now it’s straight. Is it just me, or in every segment tonight is her hair different?)

Now we’re back to the “in-tents” date and Gia is painting henna on to Tattoo Jesse’s hands. Then he paints her hand. The whole time I think he’s chewing gum and I’m about to lay into him in the blog about how gross that is on a date, but then I realize he’s popping food in his mouth the whole time and it’s just him chewing it.

They chat, but it’s very stilted, which only plays up the fact that there aren’t too many beautiful people in the world who are smart enough to hold a good conversation. Gia tells Tattoo Jesse her whole plan, and then makes us burst out laughing when she tells him, “Don’t, like, repeat this to Natalie!” I guess she hasn’t seen what we’ve been seeing between Tattoo Jesse and Natalie. He won’t be able to tell Natalie anything because his tongue is so far down her throat that he’s tasting cherry pie (Did that go too far? Sorry. You know it’s true!)

Tattoo Jesse puts the smooth moves back on to Gia when he tells her, “It’s not gonna be hard for me to do that. I’m here for the $250,000. That’s it…and to meet you!” Uh oh. Sucks to be “this guy is so dreamy and too good to be true” Natalie right now, huh?

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth is telling Kovacs that he should direct what they do. She says she’s been scheming all wrong and then asks him, “God, why am I so dumb? You know what I am? I’m a dumb smart girl!” Um…OK, Elizabeth. Still waiting to see the “smart” part of that sentence, but you keep on with your bad self.

Then the episode turns into soft-core porn as she asks him, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Cue X-rated music as they start to make out in the hot tub. Apparently, yes, there IS something she can do to make it up to Kovacs. He’s easy like that.

Next the cameras cut to a shower scene. The white curtain is closed so we can’t see who’s really back there or what’s really going on. What we can see is that creepy blue light that seems to be everywhere on these shows. It’s glowing from behind the curtain, which means that at some point a lighting person had to put it in there (or in the window next to the shower), position it just right for the intended effect, and then let the young lovers exchange their bodily fluids.

We hear Elizabeth and Kovacs make all the requisite moaning and giggling noises, but we’re never quite sure if they’re really back there really doing what we think they are doing, or if they dubbed those sound bites in afterwards. The producers even give us a shot of the steam wafting up to the ceiling. Get it? Steamy? They don’t miss a beat, those guys…

We leave the happy couple happily ~~fornicating in a shower in front of camera and lighting guys~~ making sure the other one is clean and fresh-smelling. Elizabeth says, “I haven’t been in love in so long that it’s just fun to feel! Yay me! I rule! And what other way can I change my hairstyle tonight?”

Back on Gia’s date, it’s Wes’s turn now. She makes him sit on a table and then breaks out some sort of lavender oil. She rubs it on his hand, which for some reason makes her laugh so hard she has to stop and double over with how funny she thinks it is. For his part, Wes just sits there like a robot staring off into nothing and repeating, “I love it... I love it…” For some reason, Wes repeats what he says a lot. I hadn’t noticed it until tonight. Then he tells Gia that he feels “all basted up” even though just part of his fingers even touched the oil.

Gia tells him that he surprised her. She thought he was going to be arrogant, but she thinks he seems like a really good guy. Wes answers back that he has no strategy and lays on the charm by saying, “I’m crazy about you. I really am. I think you’re beautiful, funny, you’re smart, witty, you’re quick…Gia…you are amazing…honestly..honestly…” (another repeat from Wes!)

Alas, Wes knows that Gia will never be his because she’s the one with the serious boyfriend back home. They hug and she starts to cry. I’m not sure why the waterworks start here. Because Wes just brought up her boyfriend and she misses him? Because she can’t have Wes without cheating on her boyfriend? Because she’s scared Wes is going to sing his stupid cowboy song again?

Through the tears, Gia says to Wes, “Everyone’s got it wrong about you. You’re nothing what I expected…nothing at all…nothing…” Uh oh. Now Gia is repeating stuff too! Quick! “Um..Security? We need a small talk advisor to the Moroccan tent ASAP. We’ve got an “I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’ll-just-repeat-the-last word-I-said-“ emergency!”

They hug some more and Gia is ~~turned off by a guy who smells like lavender~~ being torn between what she promised Craig and what a surprise Wes has been for her. She’s confused and not sure who she should give the rose to. This made up drama is just getting sillier and sillier, huh?

We come back from the commercial break, and we’re back at the mansion. Krisily is saying that Gia would be smart to keep Craig around and Weather Man agrees with her. Krisily says that it needs to be a fair fight between the insiders and the outsiders, and that right now it’s not.

We go back to Gia and her over-inflated sense of importance. “This rose carries so much weight and so much meaning in this game right now,” she reports to us. Then she goes against what she said she would do and gives the rose to Wes, not Craig. SHOCK!

Craig’s response to the situation is, “That’s a kick in the butt!” but he gets some semblance of revenge on Wes when we can clearly see that the flower Gia pinned on Wes’s lapel is slowly drooping down just like Wes’s rose was last year. Wes needs a flower fluffer on this show.

“I just messed up the whole game plan,” Gia moans and then blames it all on Wes and his wily cowboy, girlfriend-cheatin’, bachelorette heart-breakin’ ways. “Morally, I did the right thing,” she assures us. Thanks for letting us know that, Gia, oh you…the queen of moral choices. Shall we rewind to last week’s Twister game? Is your mama proud of all the moral choices you’ve been making? I’m just wonderin’…

Fallout from the Dates, or “Rat Fink Jessie Gets a Quickie While Nikki Turns Tricky!”

They go back to the mansion and Wes thanks Gia for the rose in front of the whole group. Dave is happy because he thinks now Craig is leaving next. Krisily says, “It was a stupid choice!” since Gia went against their agreed-upon plan.

Next we see Dave and Rat Fink Jessie in the hot tub together. What they don’t know is that the producers have edited in shots of Krisily sitting on a bench outside to make it look like she can listen in on the whole conversation, like Dave and Rat Fink wouldn’t see her sitting right there. Another example of bad editing.

Jessie thinks that the power is with the insider crowd. Rat Fink tells Dave that she’s pretending to be on the outsiders’ team, but she really isn’t playing for them. Then they make out a bunch. These scenes are interspersed with shots of Krisily still sitting outside on the bench and touching her face. So faked. Apparently, though, action must be taken.

Next we cut to the driveway out in front of the house where we see Krisily waiting alone. Out of the front door comes a figure who, as it gets closer, we realize is Kiptyn. Ooo…a clandestine rendezvous that was not at all orchestrated by the producers. Not one bit!

She tells Kiptyn that, “Jessie is a snake…She’s playing both sides!” She also wants it known that she is above all of the drama in the house (even though she’s igniting it as she speaks) by telling Kiptyn, “I tried to play Switzerland!” Wait…what? Come again? Krisily understands world history enough to make a metaphor out of Switzerland during wartime? Wow. This girl may be deeper than I thought. Or she may have just copied it from some movie. Or maybe Switzerland is the name of a drinking game I don’t know about? That’s probably it.

After another commercial, we see Kovacs saying he’s relieved that Craig didn’t get the rose because now he will get voted out and the insiders will have all the power. Krisily is aggravated that Gia gave the rose to Wes.

Gia and Tattoo Jesse are hanging out near her bunk. She’s lying down in her bikini and telling him how many scars she has. He tells us that “Gia is definitely more girlfriend material than Natalie…Natalie is super flirty..” which signals some bad news about to come for Natalie.

Next we see Tattoo Jesse and Natalie out by the pool. He tells her that she’s flirtatious and she says, “I have no shame. I don’t care,” which was patently obvious last week with the full on crotch view we got and the amount of times she told everyone she wasn’t wearing any underwear. The mood turns somber, though, as Jesse tells her that he knows she’s flirty and that he just wants to be friends. Aww…poor Natalie. Another meaningful relationship down the drain. “He just broke my heart,” she tells us.

Cut to her laying her head down on Tenley’s lap for comfort. She’s crying, but through the tears somehow manages to keep her eyes on the prize: “I just need to focus on the money!”

Cut to Tattoo Jesse, who tells us that “Nat is definitely a cool kid,” but that this whole thing has made him realize that being in a relationship in the house is not a good idea. Hmmm…didn’t Kovacs just realize the exact opposite thing earlier this episode? I wonder who will end up being right?

Back to Gia and she has hatched a new plan: the five outsider girls will vote for Kiptyn and the five insider girls will vote for Craig. Since Gia won the rose at the pie-eating contest, she and her big, dangly earrings will get to break the tie and she will send Kiptyn home. Problem solved!

Now it’s nighttime and everyone is getting all gussied up for the Rose Ceremony. Chris comes in and taps his ever-present glass to assemble everyone. It is immediately apparent that whoever dressed Chris for tonight’s show was suffering from a severe lack of taste and pattern-matching skills. Chris is wearing a lavender tie with dark purple polka dots, and this has been “matched” with a shirt that is the exact same tablecloth checkered pattern as the previous shirt, but this time black and white. I’m guessing this outfit is pay-off for that bet he made with Jake that he and Vienna would last longer than a year. Never doubt a ~~pilot~~ limousine company owner, Chris! Lesson learned.

We cut to Krisily and the big, dangly earrings of death are now attacking her as well. Poor thing.

Chris tries to do his best Jeff Probst while everyone is gathered for ~~Tribal Council~~ another excuse to drink alcohol. He starts asking everyone how things are going in the house. Craig answers that a lot of them are nervous. Elizabeth says no one knows who they can trust.

Chris asks Elizabeth how her relationship is going. She gets all quiet like he’s called her out for something bad, and then tells him that there’s nothing different between her relationship with Kovacs and Tenley’s relationship with Kiptyn.

Suddenly, Tenley interrupts with the line of the night. “Well…there may be physical differences!” Oh yes she did! Tenley just went and called Elizabeth out for having sex with her boyfriend on national television. This comment totally shuts Elizabeth down for a minute. She’s at a complete loss for what to say to this, since it’s 100% true. She and Kovacs had sex in the shower. Tenley and Kiptyn are staying chaste until marriage and keep their minds off sex by feeding the birds that chirp around Tenley all day and the singing squirrels who tuck her in at night.

Elizabeth finally comes to her senses after the verbal bitch slap from Tenley and says to her, “Thanks for calling me out on that. It felt rude!”

Cut to Tenley’s happy, smiling face completely crumpling into anguish and agony once she realizes that she’s pissed off Elizabeth. Susan Lucci has nothing on our girl Tenley. She can cry on a second’s notice. For her part, Elizabeth is staring her down with an “I’ll get you my pretty! And your chirping forest animals TOO!” look on her face and green smoke coming out from her ears.

Wes gets philosophical during all of this and tells Chris, “Imagine what it’s gonna get like when stuff gets real. It’s gonna get ugly.” Um, Wes. I think Tenley just REALLY called Elizabeth a two-bit ho on TV and I think Tenley REALLY feels bad about it. How much more real were you expecting things to get?

Now Rat Fink Jessie is telling us that if there are people in the house who can’t be trusted or who are playing both sides, that they need to be confronted with that. Gia is of course sitting right next to her during this whole speech and staring her down since she knows Rat Fink is doing just that. “I think the person knows (who they are)...” Gia says while shooting daggers from her eyes right towards Rat Fink.

Chris says he can feel the tension in the air and see the tears in Tenley’s eyes. Rat Fink Jessie says she’s not worried about tonight’s vote. “We’re gonna see if it all works in my favor,” she says. Yes we will, Rat Fink. Yes we will.

After another commercial we get a shot of the moon rising. Ooo…dramatic! Peyton is saying that she thinks the new outsider plan is all wrong. “The decision is made. We’re sending Kiptyn home,” she proclaims to the other outsider girls.

Back on the insider team Elizabeth (with a new hairstyle AGAIN) pulls out her SAT words and says to the group, “It behooves us to get rid of all the outsiders!” Really? Behooves? You mean a girl who can have sex in the shower on national TV also knows how to use the word “behooves”? Maybe I have Elizabeth all wrong? Nah.

Now the voting starts. Ashley shows that she really was lying to Weather Guy and votes for Craig. So do Tenley and Natalie. No surprises there.

But the voting is interrupted by a conversation between Dave and Rat Fink Jessie. He’s heard rumors that she’s in cahoots with Craig and playing both sides. Is it true? He wants to know what’s rumor and what isn’t. Jessie gets all upset. “I just don’t understand it!” she laments, and tells him she is squarely on the side of the insiders. Dave tells her he’s going to have to go back to the insider guys and do some work with them to get them back on her side. Jessie says she was totally blindsided by it all. Then she goes in and votes for Craig.

There’s an interesting side interview with Kovacs here where he’s talking about Rat Fink Jessie staying or leaving. “I…we…want her to stay for our own clique…er…group…” This is very telling because it shows us that he knows there are cliques in the house. He’d better be careful using that word in front of other contestants, though. Elizabeth might whip out “supercilious” or “nadir” and then it would all be over.

The insider guys discuss options, and they say they should all vote for Krisily. I laugh because Dave and Weather Man still say her name like it’s two words – Krissy Lee. This girl must not get around much if after this much time people still don’t know what her real name is.

We see them talking in the kitchen, and for a second my eye is caught by something on the counter. I freeze the DVR and…oh my GOD! Did you SEE how many bottles of alcohol there are on the counter? The entire counter (which takes up almost a whole wall of the kitchen) is covered in all sorts of bottles. I know there are a ton of people there, but wow. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?

We go back to the voting room and Weather Guy votes for Rat Fink Jessie. So does Tattoo Jesse.

Krisily thinks she’s the one going home tonight and tells Nikki that. Nikki thinks they need to vote out cliques, even though she’s in one. Apparently big earrings and big boobs do not equal big brains in this house.

Now the insider guys are outside discussing more options. For all the pains the producers went to for light during the shower sex scene, the lighting guy must have been on a coffee break for this segment. It’s almost impossible to see any of the guys in the dark while they discuss how to save Kiptyn. They quickly realize that they need to swing one of the outsider girls to vote for Craig instead. They all think Big Nikki would be a good choice for this, and they send Kiptyn after her to work his wiles on her and flex his abs in her face until she melts like butter.

Kiptyn and Nikki walk out into what looks like a forest and he lays out his problem to her. He’s a nice guy, so he’s very mellow and matter-of-fact about it, but nevertheless Nikki turns on the waterworks and has to wave her hand in front of her face again like that’s going to stop the HUGE tears she cries. He tells her that she’s the swing vote here.

“It’s hard because you’re a really good friend!” she tells him.

“It’s not a backstab (if she votes him out)…It’s part of the game…” Kiptyn replies with his best puppy dog eyes.

Get your shot glasses ready folks, because Nikki tells Kiptyn that she doesn’t want him “on the chopping block”. “You gotta do what you gotta do,” Kiptyn replies. “Have I let you touch my abs yet? No? Well come over here and take a gander at THESE puppies! Would be a shame if they got voted out tonight, huh? But totally no pressure…”

So now new drama is created. Big Nikki gave her word to the outsider girls that she would vote out Kiptyn. But Kiptyn’s her friend and a good guy. What to do? What to do? To make matters worse, the producers have decided to film her in the voting room in profile to accentuate the butt cleft in her really weak chin.

The Rose Ceremony, or “The ‘K’s’ Have It”

We come back from the last commercial break and it’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris will call out the names of those who are safe and Melissa will stand there stupidly and give them roses.

Guys are on one side and the girls and Natalie’s stupid neon pink tutu are on the other (I mean, really. What grown woman wears that?!) The pavement is all wet and glistening, so you know they all mean business. Chris still has on his bet-losing shirt/tie combo. Somewhere out in L.A. Jake sees this, smirks, laughs, and then rolls over in his bed and falls asleep alone.

Tenley gets the first rose. Cut to the obligatory shot of Kiptyn smiling. Chasteness is so hot, right? Tattoo Jesse finds out next that he is safe. Then Peyton and Big Nikki also get the good news. Cut to Kiptyn looking away awkwardly as Nikki catches his eye. Ashley, David, Elizabeth (with yet ANOTHER new hair style!), and Natalie’s stupid tutu are all safe too.

Kovacs is the next one safe, so that means that for the guys it’s down to Kiptyn and Craig and for the girls it’s down to Krisily and Rat Fink Jessie. Chris announces that Krisily and Kiptyn are safe, thus cementing the fact that if your name starts with a “K”, you’re pretty golden tonight.

Craig gives a death stare Gia’s way and she just rubs her chin. Kiptyn thanks Nikki, and Gia watches them with her hand still on her chin. She wants to know how this was all possible and says she feels bad about Craig even though she wouldn’t give him the time of day outside of the house.

Nikki knows she’s about to get busted by the outsider girls for flipping her vote at the last minute. “I’m pretty much not trustworthy to the girls,” she says. Gee…ya think?

Next we get the back seat limo interviews with the two dumped contestants. Craig is up first and (shot glasses ready?) says he “…knew (he) was on the chopping block…” He’s mad at Gia that she lied to him about giving him the rose.

Cut to Dave saying that he and Rat Fink Jessie “had a good connection” which is Man Code for, “We hooked up in the hot tub, and it was OK, but not great.”

Back in her limo, Jessie laments, “My whole plan back-fired.” She thinks she should have just kept her mouth shut. She’s not sure where she stands with Dave, but she hopes that she “…found love in the house. I hope this is real and not just strategy.” And if Dave and Rat Fink end up married, I will wear Chris Harrison’s tie/shirt combo for a whole week.

Back at the mansion, Gia is trying to figure out how her dastardly plan suddenly all went wrong. “One person kinda f***ed us,” she says, and gets bleeped by the censors. Nikki admits she was the one who flipped her vote.

Dave puts the final nail in the outsider coffin when he announces, “There is no outsider group.” Cue funereal music.

Previews, or…”Gia and Wes…Sittin’ in a Tree…”

Next week apparently it’s going to hit the fan for Big Nikki. We see someone calling her two-faced and her fanning the tears again. We get a classic line from Natalie too: “I would make out with everyone in the house for, like, twenty bucks!” You go, Natalie. Way to keep that squeaky-clean reputation intact.

We see Wes singing his stupid “Love Don’t Come Easy” song for Gia and her effusing that he’s “…so talented! He’s such a beautiful person! He’s like the modern day Shakespeare, but cuter!” There are so many things wrong with this whole interaction, so I’m just going to leave it until next week.

Later, we see Gia fanning her own face and weeping that, “I should never have let that happen to me!” Uh oh. Sounds like trouble for Gia. Could it be that she…GASP!...kissed another guy? I’d say it’s a good bet since we also see shots of everyone making out with everyone else blindfolded.

Credits, or… “The Blind Leading the Hungry”

As the credits roll we get a really funny scene in the kitchen. Dave and Kovacs are trying to figure out how to cook some sort of frozen dinner. How do guys that hot and that buffed eat crap like that? SO not fair to the rest of us. L

As the patented dumbass music starts, they can’t figure out the directions on the box (“Why do we remove the lid just to put it back on again?”). Then they can’t figure out how to turn on the oven. It beeps, but nothing’s getting hot (Metaphor? You make the call…)

Rat Fink Jessie come skanking in to see if she can help and no one expects her to be able to figure it out since she seems…uh…well…how do I put this delicately? So incomprehensibly stupid that she can barely figure out how to cover herself up? So mind-numbingly dumb that every guy who has chatted with her wants to gouge out their own eyes with giant, dangly earrings?

But what do you know? Rat Fink gives the oven a little taste of her womanly ways and BOOM! it pops to life and starts to warm up. The guys (and the entire viewing audience and anyone who’s ever met her in person) can’t believe it. They will feast like kings tonight!

Thanks, as always, for reading this far. I know there are lots of blogs out there, but I hope you enjoy the details of this one. Don’t forget to head over to Facebook and “Like” After the Rose and tell all your friends to do the same. I post other things there that don’t show up here.

Catch you next week!

Bachelor Pad Premiere!

2010-08-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

“There will be love…hook-ups…betrayal…back-stabbing…cheating…scandal…and a whole lot of crying!”

And with those simple words from co-host Chris Harrison, we are off on yet another weird, wild ride with Bachelor Pad…the newest spin-off from The Bachelor. I have to admit that I’ve been pretty excited to check this show out. It certainly looked like the perfect mix of everything cheesy and bad about both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette mixed with a few parts Survivor, a few parts Big Brother, and a few parts Sleepaway Camp (really bad 80s horror flick with murder in the bunk beds)

While some parts of last night’s show disappointed me, the majority did not and I am happy to say that I am completely bought into the whole train wreck after just this first episode. It still feels like we are watching The Bachelor, but since it’s all people we know already, it’s fun seeing the old personalities come back and re-mix with new people. It’s what I like best about the All-Star versions of Survivor too. The fact that almost every single person on this show is totally smokin’ hot doesn’t hurt at all either (Sorry Weather Guy…I think you’re out of your element here…)

I was initially worried that two hours was going to be too long for this show. There were definitely times I felt like there was too much filler where things could have been edited down, but I also think I would have felt like they left too much out if it had only been an hour. And more Bachelor Pad is WAY better than less, right? So I tried to enjoy the filler too.

For those who missed it, here’s the format of the show: A mix of 19 former Bachelor and Bachelorette cast-offs from previous seasons are living together in the same mansion. There are more girls than guys since there have been more seasons of The Bachelor than The Bachelorette. Once a week they have a competition. The winner of that gets to pick three people of the opposite sex to take on a date. While on that date, he/she gets to choose one of the three to give a rose to and then both people are safe from elimination that week. At the end of the episode, the guys vote off one girl and the girls vote off one guy. It seems simple enough, but of course there is all sorts of conniving and back-stabbing that goes into everyone’s decisions. And that’s where this show gets good. In the end, the last person standing will win $250,000, which actually isn’t much as reality competition shows go. Survivor winners get a million dollars and Big Brother winners get $500,000.

So let’s get into the play-by-play!

Let’s Meet the Contestants!

We start off the show with a montage of teaser scenes from this season. We see mostly-naked bodies gyrating. We see bent-over bikini bods. We see people vomiting into their hands. We hear a woman say, “I’d rather be poor than be a bitch.” And we know that this show is going to be totally awesome.

We cut to a shot of Chris Harrison standing in front of the ubiquitous mansion. I’m sure this is one they’ve used before for other Bachelor(ette) series because I recognize the fountain out front. “Let the journey begin!” he says with a sweep of his hand, just like Mr. Rourke welcoming his guests to Fantasy Island (does that make Melissa Rycroft Tattoo?)

A limo starts to pull up and we’re excited to see who the houseguests will be. Who am I kidding? I’ve known who the houseguests will be for months. But the rest of you were excited, right?

Tenley pops out first, and as the door closes behind her I realize that they are each going to get their own limos here. It’s not like on the real series where they all pile in to one big stretch limo. So that means that they supposedly have no idea who the others are going to be. I’m sure they had an idea, though, since it sounds like so many of them know each other and hang out outside of the show.

So perky princess Tenley is back. I recoil the minute she steps out since I remember her way-too-chirpy princess voice, her totally embarrassing dance moves, and her never-ending sob story about her ex-husband cheating on her. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing a weird top tonight that is bright red/orange (roarange?) and looks like it’s in three different pieces falling off of her shoulder. Roarange is apparently the “in” color for this series since several people will be donning it later on in the show.

“Wish me luck!” Tenley chirps to Chris as she skips delicately into the mansion trailing flocks of forest animals giggling and squealing behind her. Of course, in a voiceover, she has to remind us, “My husband cheated on me!” Then we get a funny shot of her standing alone inside the living room, toasting herself. “Here’s to me!” Ah yes, Tenley. Such a metaphor for the loneliness that will follow you your whole life. It’s nice to see that some things will never change. All is right in my Tenley world.

The next limo up holds Jesse B. Jesse just finished a stint on Ali’s season of The Bachelorette and was let go pretty early on in the competition for being a bit too young and unworldly for the oh-so-urban and “You’re gonna make it after all!” Ali. Jesse has a shaved head now and is hotter than hot. He got flak from some of the guys on his series for his tattoos, but they seem to show up even better here with his deep tan and much shorter hair. This is a guy I will definitely be watching. Woof!

(And by the way…there are three Jesses/Jessies on this show, so I will need to find nicknames to distinguish them. For now, this Jesse will be “Tattoo Jesse”.)

Next up is Natalie. She got dumped in Las Vegas on Jason’s season because he didn’t feel any emotional connection with her. In her limo interview afterwards, she showed her true colors by telling us all what a loser she thought Jason was for not keeping a prize such as herself. She played the bitch role perfectly there, and it seems she’s brought her bitchy A-game here too. She walks in to the mansion and Tenley WAY overreacts when she sees her. Lots of screaming and gasping and “Oh my GOD!”-ing going on. It’s kinda sickening.

We get a voiceover of Tattoo Jesse saying that he thinks Natalie is hot. He got dumped after a Las Vegas date too, so maybe they’ll have something to bond them in the house? We shall see…

David comes out of the next limo. He’s best remembered on Jillian’s season for being a coarse, loud-mouthed, offensive bruiser-type with amazingly bright eyes and another smokin’ hot body. For his one-on-one time with Jillian on the train he basically tried to force her to kiss him, then got all upset when she rebuffed his advances.

When he walks into the mansion, Natalie says she's excited to see him. “We always have crazy fun times together!” she enthuses, and gives us our first glimpse into these peoples’ lives outside of the show. Apparently there is a whole Bachelor(ette) sub-culture out there where these guys hang out, do events, and hook up. I think that adds an interesting dynamic to the show.

Gwen comes out next. Right away we can see the copious amounts of plastic surgery she’s had on her face. It looks all puffed out unnaturally. Go online and compare what she looked like last night to what she looked like back on the second season of The Bachelor, and you’ll see why I did a double-take when she stepped out to greet Chris. On the official ABC Bachelor Pad web site, it lists her age as “?” and they never showed it last night as far as I could tell. So I guess she’s being cast as the “grande dame” of the show this season. Here’s a shot of her back in Season Two and then one of her now. You be the judge.

Before:

And now:

When she walks into the room, no one squeals or seems excited to meet her. She obviously is not part of the “in” crowd of people who have been on the last three or four seasons. We watch as David tells us he thinks she’s older than the rest of the contestants and then Tattoo Jesse says that Gwen is “…definitely someone I look at as a mom.” Ouch.

Next up is Jessie from Jake’s season. If you have been a fan of this blog since then, you remember that I used to call her “Jessie Who?” since she made it so far along in the show with barely any air time. She was Final Four, right? Well, this time around her nickname for now will be Rat Fink Jessie since she’s the one who ratted out “Rated-R” Justin to Ali last season. There’s something about her I’ve never liked. Maybe it’s because she comes off as stuck up and dumb on camera? I dunno.

Weather Guy from Ali’s season is out next. In one of the more boring, repeated interviews in past months, he again tells us that he hopes “Mr. Hair” Craig is not there and that Craig is a “Category Six A**hole”. Do you think they just took the exact same interview from him from Ali’s season and used it here? Or do you think they made him repeat it yet AGAIN for us? How tired is this getting, Weather Guy?

Nikki’s boobs are out of the next limo. She was also on Jake’s season and seemed nice, but a bit dingy and overdone. She was always about the big hair and makeup and, of course, the big boobs. She gives Chris a thumbs-up as she gets out of the car, and I’m feeling kinda “eh” about seeing here there. That is, until I hear about the drama she’s bringing to the house this season.

Apparently, Nikki was invited by Juan (another former contestant from seasons past) on a reunion cruise. But once they got on board, Juan dumped her and hooked up with another girl instead. Ouch. So, of course, Nikki stares into the camera with her GIANT dangly earrings (everything about this girl is big big BIG!) and tells us she hopes Juan won’t be on the show.

And of course, in true Bachelor fashion, the next car rolls up and, of course, Juan gets out. Yay! This is gonna be GOOD! Juan walks into the room and right away Dave says he can feel the tension building up. Juan hopes Nikki isn’t there, but she is, doing a bad job trying to hide behind a tall mimosa. Juan goes over and wants a hug from her, but she barely grazes his shoulder and rolls her eyes the whole time. Who knew this girl was all about the drama? Excellent casting choice, producers!

Next, Natalie gives us even BETTER scoop than the cruise ship story. Apparently, Juan was in Chicago and needed a place to crash, so he asked Nikki. They slept together, naturally, but Natalie says Juan only did it to get the free place to stay in Chicago (and the access to the giant boobs, presumably).

This is getting SUPER good now. I don’t know how much more I can take. Fortunately, we cut to commercial for a bit of a breather.

We come back from the commercial and Weather Guy is still on a bender about Craig. He says Craig is an alcoholic and out of shape, which didn’t seem at all to be the case on Ali’s season. Craig had one of the hotter, tighter bods during that swimsuit calendar photo shoot. Tenley tells everyone that she thinks Weather Guy just needs a hug. Awwww…thanks Tenley. You are so good and so wise. Such a fragile flower with a heart of gold, that girl. Sniff sniff.

The guy we all love to hate, Wes, is out next. He promises Chris he’s single this time and that he left his guitar at home. He does, however, manage a plug for his single when he tells Chris, “Love don’t come easy!” We get a funny cutaway of Natalie saying, “He’s a ginormous a**hole!” as he walks in the room.

Krisily arrives next. She’s another one there who is “old school” and not really part of the “in” crowd since her season was so long ago. “Who the hell is Krisily?” Weather Guy asks the crowd as we all wonder the same thing. “I totally can be a bitch,” she tells us and says it’s really intimidating to walk through the door and not know anyone. Her voice has somehow sunk about 12 octaves since she was last on this show. Smoke much, Krisily? She sounds like Bea Arthur circa Golden Girls.

Elizabeth gets out of the next limo. Folks may remember her from Jake’s season. She tossed the football with him in the driveway, made him kiss her forehead in her “I want you to kiss me/I don’t want you to kiss me” games she played, and looked a lot like Courtney Cox. This season, she’s changed her look and dyed her hair blonde. It’s a really dramatic transformation, and I’m not sure yet whether I like it or not. I beg and plead with the universe that she won’t utter the words I know have been carefully scripted for her this time around, but to no avail. They pour out of her mouth like the cliché tripe this show is known for: “I definitely think blondes have more fun!” Noooooooooooo!!! My ears!

Tenley runs up screaming to greet her since they were on the same season. Weather Guy drops another tidbit of info that will set up the other drama of the show: “Elizabeth is taken!” She tells us that she has crush on the other Jesse (I will call him Jesse K. here). “Emotions are involved, and I’m all twitterpated!” she sighs as she fans her face. And for those of you unfamiliar with the word “twitterpated”, here are Bambi and friends to explain it to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXBbgzQmpJw (bottom line…girl is horny and itching to get some…)

Of course Jesse K. comes out of the next limo. He’s a very hot, tough-guy, smoldering type with bad pointy teeth going everywhere. And of course his view of his relationship with Elizabeth is way different than the scenario she’s presented to us. “We’ve hooked up a little bit…” he tells us. “…I just see us as friends…She thinks of us as more and wants more than I’m willing to let happen…This is not for me about love.” Uh-oh. Conflict Number Two has been ignited. Elizabeth feels twitterpated, and Jesse K. is only in this for the $250,000.

Next up is Kiptyn from Jillian’s season. He lasted a pretty long time there, but she ultimately let him go. The blogosphere was convinced that he would be the next Bachelor, but Jake flew in and snagged it away from him. Kiptyn will be remembered for the way he shakes hands with guys taller than he is with his elbow way up in the air and also for his amazing 48-pack abs. The host even references the abs as Kiptyn walks in. We don’t get to see them yet, but we do get an overhead shot of him where we see (GASP!) the beginnings of a bald spot! Quick! We need Rogaine to the set, stat!

Kiptyn tells us that he’s met Tenley and they’ve hung out and had dinner a few times. For her part, Tenley dances around giddily when she sees that Kiptyn is there too. She doesn’t know what he thinks about her, but “...if he was to make a move, I would definitely explore that…” she tells us. And those of us who watched the previews know that they will end up with their tongues down each others’ throats soon enough.

Next up is Ashley from Jake’s season. She will forever be remembered as the elementary school teacher who walked in the room in a (ahem) “snug-fitting” flight attendant’s uniform to see if she could raise Jake’s lil’ co-pilot. It didn’t work out for her, though. She walks in shrilly screaming and all the other “in crowd” ladies do the same. Jesse K. leans over to a buddy and says, “This is a revolving door of hot chicks.” Sounds like he’s twitterpating over someone other than Elizabeth. Cue ominous music.

It wouldn’t be a show without a nutcase, and so, of course, the producers have convinced Crazy Michelle from Jake’s season to come back and regale us with her death-stares and unsettling background music. “She was the crazy one from last season,” Natalie tells the others.

“She’s all kinds of drama. She’s insane. She’s gotta go!” Elizabeth says, and she knows whereof she speaks since she had to room with Crazy Michelle on Jake’s season.

Wes tells us that “…if you hook up with her, you gotta worry about her chopping your thing off.” OK, we get it producers. Michelle is crazy. They are really laying it on thick again. I’m sure she’s not as nuts as she’s being portrayed, but this all makes really good drama, so I’m buying into it for now.

Weather Guy next tells us that he really hopes Gia is there because she’s so hot, but he’s also quick to mention that she has a serious boyfriend back home so “…you gotta step back.” And then, just like magic…POOF! Gia appears out of the next limo! What a coincidence, huh? She’s still a swimsuit model and still hot. The girls immediately notice that when she walks in the room, the attention goes off of them and on to her. Gia tells us she’s worried about being there since she has a boyfriend back home. How is a hot girl supposed to survive? Poor thing.

Last up before the commercial is, of course, Weather Guy’s nemesis – Craig. Weather Guy calls him “stupid…a reckless dude…” Then we get shots of him relaxing next to the pool seemingly unaware of who has just arrived in the house. Tenley hugs Craig first and says, “I think the Weather Guy should hide!” The two guys finally see each other and it’s uncomfortable. Again, I’m sure Craig isn’t as bad as he’s portrayed on this show, but he’s still a jerk anyway. And with that we have met everyone. Or have we?

Cut to commercial.

Let’s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer…

When we come back, we see a group of young lovelies talking about how they like all of the tall guys in the house. “Sorry Weatherman!” one exclaims to the group. Suddenly, I notice a blonde in the group that I have never seen before. Is that Gwen from a weird angle? Did Natalie all of a sudden change her hairstyle? No. It’s Peyton, from Andy’s season. Did I miss something? Did they show her coming out of a limo? I was fast-forwarding and rewinding a bunch on the DVR while trying to deal with a four-year-old who wouldn’t go to sleep, so I may have missed it, but I don’t think she had any airtime until this conversation when she suddenly popped up. Did I miss it? Did they introduce her coming out of a limo?

Chris comes into the room, taps his glass like always, and lays down the rules of the game (see above). He references the fact that there are more guys than girls here. “At some point, we will even the numbers,” he tells them ominously. At this point he introduces his co-host – Melissa Rycroft from Jason’s season (he chose her, then dumped her for the runner-up…remember?) She has blindingly white teeth and reminds him that she’s now married. Chris and Melissa say they will be back later.

The contestants start exploring the house. Once upstairs, they come to a giant door with a big lock on it. Hmmm….wonder what THAT could be? They finally head downstairs and find where they all will be sleeping during the show. It’s a huge room filled with bunk beds. Guys and girls will all sleep in the same room. Some are happier about this news than others.

Big Nikki is bummed that hot guys will see her in the morning with no make-up and with death breath. Juan warns everyone he snores like a chainsaw. Michelle is interested in who will hook up with whom. Keeping her class act intact, Natalie lies way back on a bed and tells us she doesn’t have any underwear on. This fact is made clearer by the large black box the producers have placed over her crotch, presumably to block the full-on beaver shot she so carefully has displayed for the camera. Keep it classy, Natalie!

Next, the clothes finally come off and everyone heads out to the pool. The bodies on this show – both male and female -- are truly amazing. Kudos to these people for the hard work or genes or combination thereof that went into what we get to check out. Since I’m checking out the guys, Dave and Tattoo Jesse spring to the lead for best bod. Wow. Speechless.

Over on one side of the pool, the “in crowd” of girls is already gossiping about which guy they should try to get rid of. Blonde Elizabeth thinks they should target Craig since he was such a jerk to the other guys on Ali’s season. “He’s not a very respectful guy,” she says, totally forgetting how she disrespected Jake on his season by playing kissy games with him.

Melissa comes out to spoil the fun and tell them that they should head to the front of the house for their first competition. She’s already using her arms and gesticulating way too much. It’s really distracting and unnecessary.

After we come back from commercial, none of us is surprised to see the giant Twister board set up in front of the house. But the contestants are surprised by it. “I’m not flexible!” Wes laments. We get a hilarious cutaway of Tenley with her foot literally bent behind her head and laughing giddily while she chants, “I’m gonna win Twister! Yeah, baby!” So gross.

We get a shot of the rose up for grabs, and then the camera cuts to Chris who is also wearing a shirt that is the same “roarange” color as Tenley’s outfit earlier. Melissa explains the rules and again uses her hands too much. I start to watch them instead of her blinding teeth.

The girls reiterate that they have to make sure that Craig loses, which anyone who has ever watched these competition shows knows is code for “He will win for sure.”

Melissa spins the spinner and the game begins. Immediately we get awesome shots of everyone torqued around with their asses up in the air. Wasn’t it convenient that the producers waited until everyone had changed into swimsuits before they made them do this competition? How boring would it have been if they did this in the outfits they were wearing when they got out of the limos? There are lots of funny shots of guys staring open-mouthed as girls’ naughty bits are displayed right in front of their faces. I thought at one point Jesse K.’s jaw was going to dislocate.

We’d seen the line on the previews, but at one point Gia laments, “Can someone just help me lift up my top?” as it starts to slide down and, of course, no one comes running to help her. No one will be bummed if Gia has a nip slip of any sort, so they just let her fend for herself.

One by one people start falling or touching the wrong body part to the wrong color. It’s truly amazing how many of these people get disqualified for not knowing the difference between left and right. I have played Twister lots of times (always much more clothed, mind you. This is a FAMILY blog!), and I have never seen anyone have to go out because of confusing left and right. People fall over because they get so twisted, but no one, not even kids, get left and right confused. That’s just plain stupidity.

As people are dropping like flies, Elizabeth says out loud to Craig that she hopes he loses so they can vote him out. Maybe this gives him more motivation as the Final Four compete on a standard-sized Twister board, because Craig ends up winning at the end. Before he wins, he makes a deal with Rat Fink Jessie that he will take her on the date if she ends up losing, which she does. Even though this sounds smart on Rat Fink Jessie’s part, it’s worth noting that she lost Twister because with only one other person on the board with her she put down her left hand instead of her right hand.

“I’m the king of the castle right now. I’m the king of the ‘howse’,” Craig says in his perfect Canadian accent.

Next we get weird shots of Craig’s new outfit as he scrambles around the house trying to figure out who the lucky three ladies will be who get to escort him on his date. He’s got on sort of “man-pri” pants rolled up, a bright turquoise shirt, and a weird straw hat that just screams “I’m a lame straight guy who used to be in a fraternity but doesn’t remember any of it because I drank too much”. The whole outfit makes his body look all misshapen. Maybe Weather Guy was right after all?

Craig pulls Elizabeth aside to see why she wants him out, and she tells him that she feels bad vibes from him. Then she plays the same game with him that she played with Jake. First she tells Craig she doesn’t like him, then she offers that maybe he could find a way to make her like him more. “Why don’t you win me over?” she asks. To us, she says she’s just playing it so she can get that safety rose. This woman is nuts. Another excellent casting choice.

As we go to commercial, everyone is getting ready for bed. In color, we see shots of people getting changed, getting under the covers of their own bed, or already asleep. Natalie gives Tattoo Jesse a goodnight kiss on the lips. Then the lights go out, and the color camera turns to nighttime black and white. We can’t see who it is, but two people are in bed together making a whole bunch of smacking kissing sounds that are of course amplified to impossible volumes by the producers. If you actually heard sounds that loud in your bedroom, I would advise you to run as fast as you can AWAY.

Coming back from commercial, it’s the next morning and the smooching sounds are all the buzz. Who was it? Who hooked up? Usually the quiet, demure one who doesn’t like to be in the middle of controversy, Tenley pipes up that she thinks it was Craig and Crazy Michelle doing the horizontal mambo last night. Word of this passes like wildfire around the mansion since Tenley is pure and sweet and no one would doubt a word that comes out of her mouth. Everyone gives their opinions as to why Crazy Michelle would put herself in this situation, but it mostly boils down to the fact they all think she did it so she would get asked on the date and get the safety rose. All the while the girls are telling us their opinions about Crazy Michelle, we get great shots of her patented death stares at everyone along with accompanying background “I’m a psycho! Fear me!” music.

Later, we get an interview with a woman who I at first don’t recognize. She’s telling us that the Craig/Crazy Michelle hook-up rumor isn’t fair. Then I suddenly realize THAT’S CRAZY MICHELLE! With her hair up, she’s a totally different-looking person. Wow. She’s actually really pretty like this – especially since they have stopped playing the psycho music now.

Who’s Ready for the Lamest Date of All Time?

There is a knock on the front door (darn…no doorbell!) and the first Date Card is delivered. Rat Fink Jessie goes out eagerly to get it since she knows she gets to go based on the Twister deal she made with Craig.

“Sometimes you have to get a little cold to feel the heat,” Craig reads in his stupid hat while licking his lips too much. He pretends like he’s still trying to decide which three ladies to invite on the date, then tells the groups he’s selected Rat Fink Jessie (no-brainer there). He next makes a surprise choice and chooses ageless, puffy Gwen since he feels like he hasn’t had the chance to get to know her very well (and the producers want to give her some airtime since none of us remember her and she probably won’t be on the show for very much longer.) Lastly, he chooses Elizabeth who doesn’t seem surprised at all. Crazy Michelle does look surprised she wasn’t chosen and starts with the death looks again, so maybe she did hook up with Craig last night and didn’t cut the mustard? We never find out.

We get a shot of Craig completely dousing himself with cologne and calling himself “The Lady Killer”, which is ironic because he thinks it’s his body and personality that are killer, but in actuality it’s the noxious fumes he will be giving off as well as that stupid outfit that will kill them all.

They jump into the limo, and I laugh because the ladies are already wearing their teeny tiny bikinis. On the real show, they would be dressed and then magically change at their destination, but this show spares us the pretense. It’s all about the slammin’ bods here, so they want to make sure we get the full effect at all times.

Thus begins the stupidest date ever in the history of this show. Basically, they limo out to the beach, run around in the waves in their swimsuits, scream at how cold it is, run out, and eat a picnic. Ali got to jet around the world and this is the best they could do here? There wasn’t even a helicopter in sight! What gives?

Elizabeth tells Rat Fink Jessie that she would kiss Craig for the rose, thus cementing her role as this season’s ho. She and Craig chat on the rocks and he tries to convince her he’s really a nice guy. It starts to turn a little intimate and we think there’s a hint that they might kiss, but, alas, nothing happens. “It came close!” Craig tells us. I’m guessing that if Elizabeth wouldn’t let Jake kiss her before he committed to her, that she’s not going to let Craig do it either without an assurance of a safety rose. Because that’s how hos play this game, right?

After a commercial, we come back to the mansion where Juan is saying he’s playing this game for money, not love. Natalie says the same thing: It’s all about the money. If love happens, that’s great, but she’s not going to go looking for it.

But then she goes against this sage wisdom and we see her draped all over Tattoo Jesse while they stroke each other’s extremities and kiss. “God, you’re adorable…” she whispers to him and he answers back, “I like your kisses,” like this isn’t the first time they’ve locked lips. So there’s definitely a history with these two also.

Back on the sofa, Juan and Gia agree that the guys should vote out Natalie to break up this new couple. “I’m willing to vote my friends out to get the money,” Juan says, not realizing that just like on his past season, no one in the house is friends with him, so this is kind of a moot point.

Back on Craig’s date with the three ladies, it’s now nighttime and they have all magically changed into party clothes and been transported to the Greek Theater. They walk in and Melissa is standing there gesticulating everywhere with her arms again and telling Craig that now is the time he must choose one lady to spend the rest of the date with.

He of course chooses Rat Fink Jessie since she’s the hottest of the three and if she decides to put out it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him, right? The other two leave in the limo totally unsurprised. Craig and Jessie head into the Greek and get a front row seat while Alex Band (lead singer of The Calling) serenades them with his hit single “Wherever You Will Go”. Again with the washed-up bands here. This show must be sinking fast. And was it just me, or was dude totally off-key on his big notes? It got pitchy, dog. I just wasn’t feelin’ it.

Anyway, Craig and Jessie do some lame dance moves while the band plays, they pop a bottle of champagne to make the fake romance seem real, and give each other a slo-mo hug at the end. We have absolutely no preconceptions here that these two are actually feeling any romantic chemistry at all.

And this brings us to the first big flaw in this show. These dates just don’t feel right. Since everyone already knows each other and has already hooked up with everyone, we already know who is sleeping with whom, who doesn’t like whom, and who doesn’t care about the others. The date feels forced. There was no way any three of those ladies was going to have romantic feelings for Craig and we all knew it before the date even started. It just all ended up being false romance. What do you want to bet that someone will win a challenge this season and in the three choices will be the one he/she is already dating outside of the house? Then it will be romantic, but it still won’t be a surprise to us. What works on the regular shows is that you never know what the chemistry on the dates will be and how it will go. I felt like I knew the outcome of this long before it even started. They need to do something about that to make the show more interesting. I wish there were some other way they could fill up this time. Maybe have the three selected ladies compete somehow? Or maybe the guys vote two girls to go out with Craig and then he dumps one of them and they’re off the show? I don’t know. I’m just riffing here. Any other ideas to fix this weak part of the show?

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth and Gwen have arrived home. Elizabeth immediately goes over to Jesse K. to chat. Things start to turn sour, though, as Jesse tells her his strategy does not include hanging out with just one girl (i.e. her). “It’s not going to be beneficial at all,” he tells her. The music turns all sad as Elizabeth realizes that Jesse just said he’s not “hers” during this show. “You’re just gonna mack on every girl in here?” she asks him, and we cringe that someone actually still uses that word and it’s not 1996 still.

All of a sudden Elizabeth is pissed. “You didn’t even ask me how my date was!” she accuses, which is nuts. Why would Jesse care how her date was? And didn’t she just spend time on the beach trying to get Craig to kiss her and give her a safety rose? How committed is she to Jesse if she’s willing to kiss other guys to further herself in the game? I call BS on Elizabeth. She’s starting to bug me big time now. “I don’t have to whore myself out to win $250,000,” she asserts, which is a total lie since that’s exactly what she just tried to do on the beach.

Then she turns threatening and reminds Jesse that there are girls in the house who have her back and who won’t be happy if Jesse pisses her off. He’d better watch how he treats her if he wants to stay. Jesse can’t believe she’s threatening him like this (neither can I!)

Jesse says he’s completely confused by her and leaves to join the guys. There’s a funny moment where he imitates Elizabeth in his best girlie voice saying, “You didn’t even ask me how my date was!” Score one for Jesse K. Very funny stuff.

Now Elizabeth is crying to the camera and telling us that her interaction with Jesse broke her heart. “When I kiss him, I feel love…I know he doesn’t feel it back, and it hurts…I’m SO emotional!” and we note our first crier of the season as the tears flow. Lord help the guys in there if all of the girls end up on the same cycle in that house. They all already seem like emotional basket cases. Should make for some good TV, though, huh?

Craig and Rat Fink Jessie come back from their date and there’s high roller Frank Sinatra-style music playing in the background for some reason even though they didn’t go to Las Vegas. They rehash their date in the bunk bed room while Crazy Michelle lies on her stomach on her bed, slowly eating something from a bowl and casting death daggers at everyone.

She tells us that she can’t believe Tenley started the rumor about Crazy Michelle and Craig kissing in bed last night, and that she wants to confront her about it. Meanwhile, we see Tenley dance and spin in a very funny way while the creepy music swells and Michelle stares her down with evil in her eyes.

Crazy Michelle waits until her prey is trapped and then corners Tenley in the bathroom. For added effect she slams the door shut so they can be alone (and to totally freak out Tenley). The producers have a field day with the editing here. I’m sure Michelle wasn’t as nutso as they made her look, but it’s entertaining to watch anyway.

“I’m really f***ing mad that you said that about me!” we hear Michelle rant from behind the closed door. “You started it all!” Ooo…this is getting good. Michelle is very Disney evil queen right now. I expect a “Bwah-hah-hah!” and a blast of green smoke at any second.

For her part, Tenley tells us that Michelle had her foot blocking the door so she couldn’t get out. She started to feel unsafe. “She was yelling at me!” she gasps. “It was really scary!” How much more Disney could this scene get? The poor princess trapped in the evil clutches of the villain. All we need is for Kiptyn, Weather Guy, and the other dwarves to come Hi-Ho’ing home from work to rescue her before she bites the poisoned apple.

In the next shot, Tenley has finally escaped from Michelle’s evil clutches and is breaking down in a chair talking to Elizabeth. Elizabeth wants to know what’s wrong, but Tenley is crying so hard she can’t even speak. She thinks she’s scared, but I’m guessing that Tenley has never started a rumor before in her life, and this one came back to bite her BIG time and so she didn’t know how to react other than to cry.

It’s funny to watch the telephone game that ensues around the bedroom as news of Tenley’s run-in with Michelle starts to spread. People lean from one bunk to the next whispering the news like the kids at the drive-in whispering from car to car announcing Rizzo’s impending “bun in the oven” in Grease.

Tenley is worried that people will vote her out because she started a rumor. Elizabeth tells her not to worry and that they will let the guys know Michelle needs to be the one to go.

The Rose Ceremony

As we come back from commercial, it’s the next morning and we find Juan and Nikki chatting on the couch. He’s trying his darnedest to give her an apology for dumping her on the cruise boat, and she’s pretending to listen, but she tells us she’s not having any of it.

“I’m sorry for being kind of a di**,” he says to her. Dude…”Kind of” a di**? What you did to her goes beyond “kind of a di**” and moves into “total douchebag” territory. She says, “It was humiliating!” in her interview and she becomes Crier Number Two as she waves her hand in front of her face and starts to bawl about the whole cruise ship thing.

Out at the pool Krisily tells Natalie that she wants to vote off the stronger guys first like Dave and Tattoo Jesse. Natalie immediately pulls Dave aside to tell him this. He’s funny as he keeps calling Krisily “Krissy Lee” like it’s two words. This girl is so unknown they aren’t even pronouncing her name correctly yet! Dave feels nervous and wonders if they should send “Krissy Lee” home first.

Then we cut to Elizabeth and Jesse K. again. I feel so bad for this guy already. He wants to play the game in the house, but this crazy faux-blonde chick is blocking his every move. She breaks down and starts crying again that she loves him, but he doesn’t feel the same way back. She reminds him that girls will keep him or vote him out based on how he treats her. In the middle of the conversation, she even starts making up lines that she feels Jesse should be saying like, “I am in love with the girl.” Awesome. Elizabeth is WAY worse than Crazy Michelle. It’s just funny that she doesn’t know it herself.

She tries to talk Jesse out of his strategy of playing the solo guy, but he’s not sure. She pours on the guilt by saying, “I just thought you’d appreciate what I do for you,” and he says he does. “I do appreciate it…no other guy has anyone pulling for him like I have you,” and the sexual innuendo flows – “what I DO for you”, “PULLING for him”. Don’t even get me started.

Elizabeth reminds him that it’s not just about money on this show (even though Jesse has told the camera that it really is just all about the money for him here). He relents and apologizes for his bad timing and bad strategy. “Elizabeth is constantly talking with these girls,” he reminds us so we won’t think he’s p-whipped (which he totally is). “I’m in a really bad spot…I’m just hoping it’s not too late!” This girl has taken up entirely TOO MUCH time on the show tonight. I am sick of her already!

Now it’s sunset and everyone is packing for the impending vote. Chris taps his ever-present glass to get them to assemble, and then tells them how the voting will go. Each person will go by themselves into the deliberation room where they will find photos of every contestant. Tucked behind each photo will be another stack of photos. They should pull out the photo of the person they want out, and put it in the ballot box. Whoever’s photo gets pulled the most is out.

We watch as they go in one by one, and it highlights another flaw with this game. I am assuming that each photo has the same number of photos behind it. Can’t the contestants figure out how the people before them voted? They merely need to count the photos behind the frames to see who has the least left. They don’t even need to see what’s inside the ballot box. This seems like a major oversight, although I’m not sure there’s really anyone in the house smart enough to figure this out. But if, let’s say, Weather Guy came in and picked up Crazy Michelle’s photo, wouldn’t he notice that there were only a few photos left behind it while all the other ladies’ frames were full of extra photos? This seems odd unless these guys really are that dumb.

We watch as people start to pull photos and stuff them in the ballot box. Sometimes we see their vote (Wes votes out Michelle and Michelle votes for Jesse K.), but for the most part the photos are turned away from us so we can’t tell who is voting for whom.

While they wait for the vote, Crazy Michelle asks Craig point blank if he voted for her, and he flat-out lies to her and says “No” even though we just saw him pull her photo. Natalie tells us she voted for Juan and uses Bachelor math to tell us why: “He’s 110% untrustworthy!” She also doesn’t like the way he treated Nikki.

Krisily tells us she’s nervous she could be out tonight since no one knows her. I struggle to find Peyton anywhere. Did I really see her earlier? Or was that just in my mind? Why isn’t she registering at all for me so far?

Juan advises Nikki not to tear his photo into little pieces before she drops it in the box, but then tells us confidently, “I know she likes having me around. I know she won’t vote me out.” Smooth move, Ex-Lax. We fade to commercial as the dramatic music swells. Who will be the first guy and girl voted out?

As we come back, the girls are on one side and the guys are on the other. All the guys are dressed in their dapperest duds except for Craig who still is sporting some weird mélange of beachwear and Vaudeville. Jesse K. tells us he’s nervous. Krisily does her best smoky Lucille Ball voice and says, “I’ve never wanted a rose so bad in my life! Cough! Cough! Cough! Pass the oxygen!”

Chris says he has 15 roses to hand out to the people who are safe. Craig and Rat Fink Jessie are already safe. Lame-ass Melissa will hand the roses out as the names are called. I finally realize that she is totally useless on this show. What exactly is her role? She blinded us with white teeth and moved her arms a lot. Chris does that just fine all by himself. Maybe she’s off Dancing with the Stars this season and this was the consolation ABC gave her? We shall see, but this was pretty lame casting.

So Chris begins to dramatically say the names of the people who are safe. In order, they are: Gia, Tattoo Jesse (yay!), Peyton (who?), Kiptyn, Tenley (cut to Kiptyn’s big smile at this news), Big Nikki, Flight Attendant Ashley, hot hot hot David, bitchy “no underwear” Natalie, Wes (the rose on his lapel starts to sag and droop as he walks away from Melissa. The next spokesperson for Viagra? We shall see…), Gwen, blonde Elizabeth, and Weather Guy.

Now it’s down to Crazy Michelle and Krisily on the ladies’ side and Juan and Jesse K. on the men’s side. We see two limos waiting right next to the ceremony. Chris delivers the news that Krisily and Jesse K. are safe, which means Juan and Crazy Michelle are both out. Cut to a self-satisfied, smug grin on Big Nikki’s face. “It will be less stressful,” she tells us.

In the back of his limo, Juan says he is “shocked and disappointed” and he thinks he’s out because of Nikki. Gee…ya think? He notices that Nikki is the only one who didn’t say goodbye to him. “I have to take that personally,” he tells us, “so I guess she gets the last laugh.”

Weather Guy comes up with the line of the night (just in the nick of time, too! I thought there wouldn’t be one tonight!) as he says of Michelle’s departure: “There weren’t enough roses for all of Michelle’s personalities. Beside, it’s hard to put a rose on a strait jacket!” Oh snap! Good one, Weather Guy!

In the back of her limo, Crazy Michelle tells us that she “…didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all…It’s upsetting because Tenley started a rumor that I did something with Craig. That made me very upset…because of that rumor, it ruined my chances of winning the money.” Notice how at no time during the show did Crazy Michelle ever deny getting hot and heavy with Craig.

One last thing that bums me out about this show is that we never know what the actual tally was in the final vote. On Survivor and Big Brother they tell us “The vote was 6-1…you’re out!” and/or they show each person flashing their written vote on the screen while the credits roll at the end. They don’t do that here. It makes me feel suspicious that the producers are playing around with the numbers to fit what they want to have happen each week. Who knows? Why not just show how the vote was and tell us? What if it had been a tie? Would we have known about it?

Previews

The previews show us more of what we saw at the top of the show – scantily clad bodies, lots of tears, lots of shouting and pissed off faces, and Chris Harrison wearing a god-awful purple shirt/tie combo. Can’t wait for that episode so I can rail on it.

Credits

I am so excited to see that during the credits they roll outtakes here too just like on the regular shows. This time around we have Weather Guy and Natalie out by the pool. He’s strumming a guitar and playing some chords. He tells Natalie, “You should serenade us with a song!” but she doesn’t start singing. When he asks her what’s up, she answers, “I just fell in love with your chords!” which I think was supposed to have some sort of sexual innuendo imbedded in it, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. The wonders of Natalie’s mind.

She finally starts singing. I have transcribed the lyrics here only for you, my adoring fans:

“Ohhh…the Weather Man

He tells the forecast

I always know what to wear

Oh the weather

The Weather Weather Man

If he weren’t here right now I might be in my underwear

My underwear! Underwear!”

(which we all know is a lie since she hasn’t been wearing any underwear for this whole episode. I’ll betcha anything she didn’t even pack any in her suitcase when she was getting ready to come on the show…)

As the song fades out, Weather Man adds in this last line: “Maybe a G-string with the Weather Man…” like he has any shot of seeing Natalie in a G-string. Maybe he means the one he’s plucking on his guitar?

While this interaction itself is funny, it’s even better when the camera cuts to Big Nikki and others in the kitchen peeking out the window and rolling their eyes at the song Natalie and Weather Man are singing. Priceless expressions from all involved.

OK, fans. That’s a wrap for this week. Hope you enjoyed the show as much as I did. Don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose over on Facebook. I’d really appreciate it. We have a pitiful few members there compared to how many hundreds hit this site every week. And I post a lot more fun stuff over there. This is just where the blog lives. For all of the fun links and pictures, you need to be on “After the Rose” on Facebook. And I’d appreciate it if you told a friend to join too! Much obliged…

Thanks again to my international audience. We added Peru, Belgium, the Netherlands, and Spain these past two weeks while I was gone. Welcome! Please leave some comments and let me know what you thought of the show, the blog, or anything else. I’d love to hear any feedback you have.

See you next week for more fun and bikini bods!

Bachelor Pad!

2010-08-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

Does everyone have the DVRs set for the premiere of Bachelor Pad tonight? Let the games begin!

Back in the Saddle Again...

2010-08-06T22:07:00.003-07:00

Hey everyone! Thanks for bearing with me while I was gone for a couple of weeks. I got some much-needed family fun time in two of the “Happiest Places on Earth” – Disneyland AND Disney World. When we made the reservations, I had no idea that they would conflict with not only The Men Tell All, but also the finale! Such a crime! But I had to make do with fun in the sun (and heat and humidity) with my family, and managed to have a most excellent time despite missing all the drama on Monday nights.

So I guess the biggest news to report here is that the spoiler sites were all wrong about the outcome here, right? They said that Ali ended up alone at the end with neither Roberto nor Chris. I love reading the spoilers so I can see how the producers manipulate the show throughout the season, but I love it even more when the spoiler sites are wrong. This was a nice twist at the end, and they must have gone to great lengths to keep it all under wraps.

I have to say that I am happy for Ali and Roberto. They were super cute on the After the Final Rose special and looked legitimately in love. Let’s see if that can last through one of them being on the next season of Dancing with the Stars, right?

Since I have a life (and mountains of laundry to do after vacation), I won’t do a detail-by-detail description of both shows this time around. Sorry to anyone who was hoping for that. I just don’t have the time, and to be honest, the show has been done now for almost a week. I think pretty much everything has been said about it that needs to be said.

So, instead of the play-by-play, I’ll just put down some of my thoughts about each show:

The Men Tell All:

1. I always laugh at the montages they do of outtakes and flubs, and this show was no exception. We got to see Roberto almost take out Ali’s eye with a champagne cork, Ali forgetting that she put on a space helmet in a desperate attempt to have Chris Harrison rescue her from Kreepy Kasey, and peacock howls interrupting the romantic tension between Ali and Roberto. I wonder why they don’t just include scenes like these on the original show instead of the same, repetitive lines we get. But at least we get to watch them all here. Very funny stuff.

2. My whole impression of the Justin “Rated-R” drama is that, yes, he was probably in the wrong and told some lies, but that the show blew it all way more out of proportion than the whole event really was. So much of this show was, “He didn’t show up, so let’s rake him over the coals.” If you’ve read other interviews with Justin, he purposely didn’t show up to the taping of this show because he knew that the producers could edit his comments any way they saw fit. It’s not a live show and he saw how Rozlyn got treated last season and made a wise choice to just keep his words as far away from the producers as possible.

Yes, he probably was there for the wrong reasons, but both sides (Justin and the producers) are guilty here, and I got tired of everyone beating up on him at every opportunity. Chris Harrison’s pompousness about it all REALLY got under my skin. He sat there all high and mighty, nodding his head knowingly whenever one of the guys or Ali would vent a criticism of Justin. Enough already….

3. It never fails that in every Men Tell All episode they have to pull out some way over-eager fan who is drooling at the opportunity to let the guys know that she is single and totally into them. This episode was no exception as they hauled out some young lovely to tell Craig that she wants him to wrestle Justin in the olive oil and that she’ll “cheer him on”. Big sigh here. These women verge on pathetic as they realize it’s their only opportunity to interact with any of these guys since none of the guys would even give them the time of day outside of the studio and the cameras.

4. And speaking of Craig, wow…how did he end up getting the most airtime without even getting a one-on-one interview on the couch? Chris Harrison seemed to throw to Craig every minute or two for his opinion about almost everything. And Craig served it out in spades. He got bleeped a bunch and kept on and on about how much he disliked Justin. I liked Craig while he was on the show, but this episode made me dislike him a bit more – especially after he agreed to roll around in the olive oil with Justin. Ew.

5. OK…something must be said here about Ali’s appearance on this show. Apparently her gays were all out having a fabulous dinner that night because girlfriend looked horrible. She had on a stripe-y, spangly dress that did nothing flattering for her. And her hair looked like 14 different stylists had all done one different thing to it. It was swept up, falling back, falling forwards, wavy, curly, straight – you name it. Nothing was working about her look on the show.

6. Was it just me, or was Kasey’s new song way less awkward? Was it because he had time to rehearse? Was it because it was funny and he actually had time to think about the lyrics? Whatever the reason, I laughed instead of reaching for the remote like last time.

7. I loved the montage of funny moments at the end too: Roberto’s balls hurt getting into his harness, dogs won’t stop barking behind Ty during his interviews so he tries to speak “dog” to them, Ali jumps up and screams during an interview when a mouse goes by, and Craig speaks Spanish thinking no one else will understand him, but, to his dismay, Weather Guy does. All of those shots should have been in the original show!

So after all of this, it’s down to Roberto and Chris. The spoiler sites all say that she ends up with no one, so we’re eager to see how it all goes down…

The Finale and After the Final Rose Special

1. My first impression as the finale starts is that Roberto’s teeth have all of a sudden become blindingly supersonic white. Why do people on TV do this so much? It’s almost as bad as the fake spray tans. It’s not natural. No one looks like that in real life. It’s never a good thing when people stare at your teeth the whole time you’re talking.

2. Ali’s family seems nice, but I have a few questions: Aren’t her folks divorced? Didn’t she bond over divorced parents with Kirk a few episodes back? If so, then why were they presented to us here as one happy family? It was never mentioned that they were divorced. Is this her stepdad? (By the way…how creepy was HE?! And how bummed is that kid that he inherited his dad’s eyebrows?) Were those siblings her stepbrother and stepsister? If those are her actual parents, then aren’t they remarried? Where were the new spouses? When she went home to Kirk’s hometown, the producers managed to have Ali meet both sides without inciting a riot. Why not here in Bora Bora? Enquiring minds want to know…

3. Ali and Roberto go Jet-Skiing as part of their date. At one point, they jump into the ocean to frolic with a bunch of what Roberto calls “stingrays”. I’m calling BS on this. There is no way those were stingrays. They were rays, sure. My daughter has pet those types of rays at the aquarium, but they don’t sting. There’s no way the producers would have let these two jump into an actual pool of real, live stingrays. Can you just imagine? At the finale Ali and Roberto would have been covered head to toe in red, angry welts.

4. This finale broke new ground as Ali dumped Chris even before their final date began. This spared him the humiliation of getting down on one knee to propose the next day only to get rejected. Did you notice that as they cut to a commercial before Ali’s date with Chris, we got no preview shots of it? That’s because it never happened and they couldn’t ruin the surprise dumping for the audience.

Yes, I felt bad for Chris, but he was all wrong for Ali. Even when he’s being animated and smiley, there’s something sad and heavy about him. He’s not over his issues with his mom yet, and it shows. Ali needs someone with more life to him, someone who genuinely is feeling emotions. The only reason Chris was crying after Ali dumped him was because he wasn’t going to be married like his brothers, plain and simple. Ali was his ticket out of the “I’m the oldest and still not married so I must find someone NOW” illusion that so many people have that controls their lives and drives their relationships into the ground.

He seems like a nice guy, and I’m sure he’s a frontrunner to be the next Bachelor. He definitely has the “Awww…” sympathy factor. He’s very like Meredith. She was a sad sack on her season too since her grandmother had just died. She got dumped by the Bachelor, but came back and was the Bachelorette the next season. Chris may do the same thing, but I hope not. I think it would be more interesting to have lawyer Craig on there or Ty or tall, tattooed, handsome Jesse (Did you guys do a double-take too when you saw his shaved head? Can’t wait to see him strut his stuff on Bachelor Pad. One word – awesome!). Those guys are WAY more animated and more fun to watch than constantly seeing Chris talk out of the side of his mouth.

5. I think the rainbow imagery was a bit much after Chris got dumped. My first thought was that it was totally faked, but after hearing Ali talk about it during the last hour, I guess it was real. I’m glad it made Chris feel better during a hard time, but I didn’t like how the producers hit us over the head with it for so long.

6. The funniest line of the night came from Roberto, as he’s getting dressed in his fancy duds and preparing to propose to Ali: “I have never done this much thinking in my life!” I’ll just let that line speak for itself…

7. I haven’t heard anyone else talking about this, but I think it’s notable here that a person of color won The Bachelorette this time around. Every season, it seems they throw in a token minority who gets cut within the first episode or two. Remember Channy and her landing strip with Jake last season? Ye gods! But Roberto finally broke the curse and won in the end.

8. What was notable to me about the After the Final Rose show was that there was no studio audience. Again, since the producers knew the spoiler sites were wrong, they couldn’t let the secret out that Ali and Roberto actually DID end up together. Since this special is filmed a week before the finale airs, the secret would have been out before the finale even aired. So there was no audience, which really changed the feeling of the show. It felt much more boring and dragging. The fact that Frank canceled at the last minute didn’t help things either. That was the big drama they had built up on the previous show, and it fizzled into nothing fast. I think Frank probably saw what was happening to Justin everywhere and did the smart thing by staying away. Who knows how he would have been edited? People already don’t like him for what he did to Ali. Why would he add potential fuel to the fire?

9. Lastly, they put Ali in yet another unflattering dress for the after show. Could her boobs have been any more pressed down? It actually looked painful at some points. I don’t have breasts, but even I started tugging uncomfortably at the front of my shirt imagining how packed in and down she was. Set ‘em free, Ali!

All in all, I liked these last two episodes. I wish Frank and Justin would have come back, but I get why they didn’t. I liked that we all thought Roberto was going to dump Ali after she had just dumped Chris, but in the end it all turned out to be a happy ending. Ali and Roberto are moving to San Diego together to be closer to ~~the Dancing with the Stars studios~~ Roberto’s business, and I wish them all the best.

I will most definitely be blogging about Bachelor Pad starting next week, so come back and dish along with me! And don’t forget to “Like” After the Rose on Facebook for more links and funny stuff. See you next week. It’s great to be back!

How to Fit 15 Minutes of TV into Two Hours

2010-07-20T18:04:00.001-07:00

To begin this week’s blog, I first want to give a shout-out to all of the new readers who have joined us. Wow! It’s so cool to see where everyone is from. We have people from Australia, Canada, Singapore, Hong Kong, The Philippines, Japan, England, Brazil, and from 26 states in the US, including Hawaii! Who knew this show was so international? A big thank you to all of you for hitting this blog. I know most of you don’t post anything and are just here to read, but it’s cool anyway to see the little blips on the world map pop up as you all visit the page. I’ve even had people visit from the hometowns of the guys on the show. Please keep letting people know about this and “Like” After the Rose on Facebook if you want even more links and snarky comments.

OK…on to last night’s episode. I think I am going to take a different approach with this week’s blog since last night was basically 15-20 minutes of actual content stretched out over two hours. Could they have repeated things more? I swear if Chris told us he moved back home to be with his mother during her last months, or Ali told us she gave up everything to be here, or Frank told us that something was holding him back from falling completely in love with Ali, I was going to throw a fake oyster at Chris Harrison’s head. Did you ever think you’d miss Kasey saying “guard and protect”?

In case you missed the episode, here’s what went down: Everyone headed to Tahiti so Ali could narrow the three guys down to two. Frank came late because he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend Nicole back in Chicago and he wanted to talk with her to see about rekindling the old flame. After talking and making out with her, he decides that he is going to choose Nicole and goes to Tahiti to tell Ali. Meanwhile, Ali goes on dates with the other two guys. Both dates seem to go well and both dates end up in the Fantasy Suite. Ali shows up excited for her date with Frank, but he ends up dumping her and telling her he’s choosing Nicole back in Chicago instead. Ali flips out and cries and rubs her face a lot. She wants to have a Rose Ceremony anyway to make sure that Chris and Roberto still choose her. They both accept her rose. That’s the whole thing in a nutshell. See? I can write short summaries too! J

Because of how much repetition there was, I’m going to switch to the “Best and Worst Of” format this week to sum up what went down.

Lamest Props Planted by the Producers to Further a Storyline:

TIE

1. The Lion King CD that Roberto had next to his suitcase while he was packing. How bad was it that he saved it for the end of his packing, picked it up with a nostalgic smile, held it just perfectly so the camera could see it, and then placed it right on the top of his suitcase? Puke puke puke. So faked. No one would pack a CD like that, not even a straight guy.

2. The oysters Ali and Chris found on their “private island”. I was already rolling my eyes when the two Massachusetts natives went oyster hunting on the beach. Let’s stereotype everyone from the East Coast, huh? But then the producers take it a bit too far when Chris cracks one open and gets a shocked look on his face as he fishes out…wait for it…a REAL PEARL! Ali shrieks and they merrily start ripping apart oysters on the beach to find more. So faked (The Sequel). If it were that easy to find the oysters in the first place, they all would have been long gone before these two got there. I’m not buying that one second of this pearl hunting was real.

3. Frank going to Nicole’s apartment. They made it seem like he surprised her there, but if that’s the case then why when she opened the door did she not even give a glance towards the cameras? I mean, if you opened your door and your ex was standing there with an entire camera and sound crew, wouldn’t you at least look their way and wonder who the hell they were? And then, without batting an eye, she lets not only Frank in, but also the camera following him. Obviously, she knew they were coming before they even got there. There was zero element of surprise here.

Hottest and Coldest Weather Extremes:

Coldest: Frank walking the mean streets of downtown Chicago on his way to see his ex-girlfriend. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets for all of these shots, and had to bend his body against the wind at some points. If the guys got all decked out in furs and gloves in Iceland, why couldn’t the producers spare some of that for poor Frank in Chicago? I guess they wanted to add to the look of Frank’s general miserableness on his Walk of Shame?

Hottest: Poor Roberto. He got outed as a heavy sweater (not the article of clothing…a person who sweats) on last night’s episode. In almost every scene in Tahiti his shirt is soaked through and sweat is pouring down his temples and forehead. I guess some people are into that, but I just felt bad for Ali having to hug on that warm, sweaty shirt and kiss on all of that sweat everywhere. I hope dude’s got on the extra heavy duty Old Spice or things aren’t going to go so well in the Fantasy Suite. Frank looked sweaty too, but his face is always overly shiny in a greasy way no matter what country he’s in, so I’m going to give this to Roberto. Never let ‘em see you sweat, guys!

Ironic Moment of the Evening:

TIE

1. When Frank’s ex opens her door and we see she’s wearing a canary yellow top! Too funny. Do you think the producers had her wear Ali’s favorite color on purpose? I could just picture Ali watching that episode back last night. “Oh I KNOW she’s is NOT wearing MY color!” Better watch out ladies. Ali will cut a bitch.

2. When Ali shows up all perky and happy for her date with Frank, she’s got a bright pink flower tucked behind one ear. But as Frank sits her down and lays out the truth to her, she starts rubbing her face and hair so much that the flower slowly starts to fall out of her hair. She finally just yanks it out altogether. Did anyone else catch the symbolism? Ali has to give up a flower after having given them out this whole season. Deep, huh? (Stick with me here, folks. This is as deep as this show gets, OK?)

Biggest “Calm Before the Storm” Making Us Laugh Moment:

Ali getting off the boat in Tahiti all easy-breezy Cover Girl sassy with her floppy white pants, her flower necklace (do they call them leis in Tahiti?), her big Jackie O sunglasses, and her perky walk. All of her voiceovers at this stage are things like, “Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love!” and “I believe that one of these three guys is going to be my husband!” but we have seen the previews and know that rough waters lie ahead for our girl Ali. I can’t help but laugh. It’s cool being the omniscient narrator, huh?

Most Overused Piece of Machinery This Season:

The helicopter. It has become such a cliché now on this show. I think helicopters have been involved in every week of this season so far, right? Ali and Roberto take a helicopter ride to their own private island, and while it affords us some pretty amazing views of just how gorgeous Tahiti really is (That water! My god. I just added “Go to Tahiti” to my Bucket List), it’s just getting silly now. Just a few weeks ago, Ali was terrified of flying (remember her flying date with Jake last season?), but now she seems to be miraculously cured. I think they should mix it up a bit. Could they have skydived onto the island? Parasailed? Been shot out of a cannon? Teleported by Scotty? Anything but the boring helicopter.

Lamest Geographical Reference:

Ali and Roberto supposedly visiting a heart-shaped lagoon. That was a heart? Yeah, I guess it kinda, sorta was one, but not really. That was pretty far-fetched and contrived. Did you notice how we never saw the entire thing at the same time? Hmmmm…wonder why?

Biggest “Dude, We SO Applied for the Wrong Show!” Moment:

Anybody who’s ever been on Survivor after they saw the two beach/island/ocean dates that Ali went on with Chris and Roberto. On Survivor they are on islands with yucky critters and bugs, mean, backstabby people, and extreme elements. Chris, Roberto, and Ali get picnic baskets full of food, private white sand beaches, warm, shallow water to make out and frolic in, and no one around for miles to vote them out or steal their canteens. Tough life, huh?

Biggest Continuity Errors:

TIE

1. On both nighttime dates, the editing was horrible. As they cut back and forth between the couples chatting, you could see water and wine levels in glasses rise up and down spontaneously and food appear and disappear on plates seemingly without being touched. It just all adds to the “this show is totally staged and edited down to look like something it originally wasn’t” vibe that The Bachelor/ette has.

2. Thanks to my pal in Walnut Creek for pointing this next one out (and thanks for the yummy salad for lunch today too!) As Roberto is packing his suitcase in the hotel room, he is packing a red suitcase. But a few shots later when they show him wheeling his bag out of the hotel and into the back of a cab, it’s a black suitcase. Sigh. The producers aren’t even trying this season, huh?

Worst “We Know This Is a Long, Drawn-Out, Repetitive Show Tonight, So We’re Going To Tease You With Pretend Drama” Moment:

After Ali and Roberto’s daytime date, we go to commercial, but not before we see a preview of what’s coming up after the break. Ali asks Roberto, “Do you feel like you see us together?” and he looks down and doesn’t answer anything. Instead, we get a long, awkward pause. GASP! Is HE going to dump her too like Frank? What does it all mean? I was getting bored, but NOW I want to watch.

Alas, as we come back from the break, Ali asks the same question, but this time Roberto instantly answers, “Of course I do!” Say what?! Where was the awkward pause with him looking down? Where was the uncertainty that he would answer yes? You mean the producers edited that all down to tease us back into watching a really dull, repetitive episode? No way!

Then the producers tease the drama further by showing us Roberto getting all serious and telling Ali that he has something on his mind that he needs to tell her. She immediately gets all bug-eyed assuming it’s something bad, and we hope against hope that what he’s about to say will be drama-filled and heavy – He too has a girlfriend? He farts in his sleep? He’s gay? (Hey! A guy can dream, right?) But, alas again, he just wants to open up and tell her that he’s really falling in love with her. Damn. We get ripped off again.

Biggest “How Did You Apply for This Show Never Having Seen It?” Moment:

TIE

1. Roberto and Chris, who apparently have never seen how the romantic tropical dates go. Both of them are shocked that there is a card from Chris Harrison at the end of their nighttime dates with Ali and seem even more surprised that there is a Fantasy Suite waiting for them. These guys have never watched this show before? How is that possible? Chris even looks around expecting Chris Harrison to pop out of the bushes like some crazy Bachelorette nighttime date stalker. I find it really hard to believe that neither guy knew what was coming.

2. After Frank has dumped her, Ali exclaims, “This is the last thing I ever thought would happen!” Um, Ali...have you ever seen this show? Something exactly like this happens every single season. It’s why we watch. We love watching people like you subjected to the miseries of heartache and their own bad choices so we can forget about our own. If you’ve ever seen one episode of this show, Ali, you would have put this whole experience with Frank at the top of your “What I Know Will Happen” list.

Funniest Lines From Chris:

Since our old standbys Krazy Kasey and Kirk have gone by the wayside, it’s been up to Chris these past couple of weeks to fill the “Line of the Night” void left behind. Two of Chris’s lines stood out last night, so we’ll call this one a tie.

1. When he and Ali see each other for the first time on their date, they are at separate ends of a long dock. To meet each other, they have to run and run and run to finally make contact. On his way there, Chris finally asks, “Is this the longest dock EVER?!” which is kind of a commentary for this episode which just seemed to drag on and on.

2. After Ali shows Chris the Fantasy Suite card and says it’s from Chris Harrison, Chris acts all surprised, looks around the bushes for the other Chris, and asks, “Is he gonna jump up in, like, scuba gear and scare me?” Very funny line and perfectly timed.

Most Disappointed People When Frank Breaks It Off With Ali:

Franks parents, when they realize he’s going to be in love with a woman who is a nobody and lives in a one-bedroom studio. Ali is a famous person who probably will be on the next Dancing with the Stars and who would have gotten Frank’s face all over the media before the break-up. I can just picture them begging him, “Please please PLEASE just pull a Vienna and sit in the audience on Dancing with the Stars pretending like you care about her paso dobles and Lindy hops. Just wait until America gets sick of her and votes her out, and then you can dump her and move on to fame and glory.” But, sadly, no dice for Frank’s folks.

Most Common Gesture on Last Night’s Show:

Rubbing faces and eyes. This happened so many times throughout the show that I lost count. I will declare Frank the winner in this category since he not only got face and eye rubbing time in with his ex, but also while he spoke with Chris Harrison about breaking up with Ali AND when he actually broke up with her. Frank’s eyes and temples were getting a serious workout. Ali is a close second. As mentioned earlier, she rubbed her face and hair so much she deflowered herself (is that even possible?).

Biggest “Ouch, That’s Gotta Hurt!” Moment of the Night:

TIE

1. While Frank is dumping Ali, he says, “Ali, I’m sorry. You’re perfect in every way. The only difference is with Nicole somehow I had this click.” Oh snap. You just got a compliment and a slap in the face at the same time, Ali. What’re you going to do? Well the only thing a girl knows how to do…fight fire with fire…

2. Ali tells Frank for the 14,638^th time that she gave up everything to be here. He says he gave up everything too, but she quickly snaps back, “Apparently not EVERYthing!” and you can hear the legions of Bachelorette fans glued to their screens all going, “Oooooo! She did NOT just say that!” at the same time. Nice comeback, Ali!

Fakest Friend of the Evening:

The host, Chris Harrison. If he called Frank “Man” one more time during their pre-break up conversation, I was going to put Ali’s floppy hat over his face and hold it there while he squirmed. I can’t stand how Chris always is so overly-familiar with all of the contestants, like they’re “bros” who go way back. It so Ryan Seacrest-y and fake.

Next, in his best impersonation of a Massengill Disposable Douche commercial, Chris also sits down next to a crying, heartbroken Ali on the beach and attempts to comfort her as only a true fake friend could. “Sometimes I don’t feel so fresh, Chris,” she laments and he puts his arm around her and hugs her while white stallions gallop through the breaking surf. Or he listens to her while she vents her sadness. One of those two for sure.

Chris always acts all buddy-buddy with the folks on this show, but I’m sure he hates most of them. Then again, he did admit on national television a few weeks ago that he had eaten dinner with Jake and Vienna, so I guess maybe he could really like some of them, which of course makes him as big of a loser as they are, right?

Best Edit of the Night:

For what a crappy thing he did to Ali, Frank certainly came off smelling like a rose (pun intended) last night. Spoiler sites had said that after this episode, Frank would be the most hated man in America (even more than “Rated-R” Justin!), and I was ready to rake him over the coals last night. But in the end, I actually respected him for not going all the way to the end with Ali and for realizing he had stronger feelings for his ex. Yes, he should have bowed out much earlier so other guys with no exes at home could have had more of a chance, but he did what he did. It’s a reality show.

The producers spent a lot of time showing us his mental anguish and turmoil over this whole situation, so when we weren’t projectile vomiting from how mind-numbingly boring this whole plotline became, we actually felt a little sorry for the guy. I’m going to guess there would be plenty of women lining up to take Nicole’s place if they ever split up.

Biggest Fashion Faux Pas of the Evening:

These all go to Ali tonight. First, her bra straps were showing when she wore the outfit on her date with Row-bur-toe. This always just looks trashy and messy. Someone needs to buy her “The Strapper”. Has anyone seen that infomercial? The little plastic thing you can put on your back between your bra straps to pull them in so they don’t always hang out? Look into it, Ali, before a tramp stamp suddenly appears on your lower back.

Another fashion miss occurred later on her date with Roberto when she was wearing a sheer, white top with a yellow bikini under it. She looked great once the white top came off, but before it did she looked like she had two giant, fluorescent yellow fried eggs plastered over her boobs. It gave new meaning to the terms “over easy” (Wait for it..wait for it. There!)

I know they are probably cool and trendy and perfect for a passionate tropical date, but those big, floppy white pants that Ali had on during her date with Chris were just stupid. No wonder her hips looked so wide in them – she probably had about fifty pounds of sand and driftwood collected in there from the pants having been dragged around the topography of Tahiti for a whole day and night. No one needs pants that big even if they do emphasize the breezy, casual feel of the islands.

Lastly, when she’s talking to Chris Harrison before the Rose Ceremony, Ali had another giant flower in her hair. In keeping with the ovo theme this evening, it’s a white flower with a big, yellow center, so it again looks like she has attached a fried egg to her body. Watch out for birds during the ceremony, Ali. They might want their babies back.

Fashion Ups for the Evening:

Chris did a complete 180 at the Rose Ceremony this week! In prior weeks, he showed up to this pretty formal event sans tie and usually wearing Nikes. This week, in the more casual setting where you would expect shorts and flip-flops, he actually wore a pressed dress shirt! Ups for going the Dapper Dan route.

And since I gave her a few digs in the previous section, I will give Ali ups for two dresses she wore. The first up is for the mini dress with flowers on the straps going over her boobs. The dress was too loose on her, but it was a really pretty design and she looked cute in it. The second up is for the flowing mu mu-style dress she wore at the Rose Ceremony. This felt more appropriate for the breezy island feel than those pants I mentioned earlier. This dress had beautiful colors and felt formal and casual at the same time. Excellent choice.

Biggest “Read Between the Lines” Moment:

In the previews for next week, if you were watching really carefully, you got a hint of how this season will all end up. First, for this entire season we have never seen a shot of what Ali looks like at the finale rose ceremony when one guy will supposedly propose. In every other season we have always seen multiple shots of this and it’s always grist for the rumor mill of who wins as the producers only show us a hand or finger of the winner and fans try to figure out to which contestant the appendages are attached. Nothing like that has been shown this season so far.

Well, last night we finally got a shot of Ali standing out on a platform holding the last rose, but we never saw either of the guys preparing to go meet her. No fingers, no feet, no appendages of any sort. Hmmmmm…..wonder what THAT could mean?

Second, in a voiceover, Chris Harrison tells us that the finale in two weeks will be, “…the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history!” Those who watch this show over and over rolled their eyes because we’ve seen every sort of finale possible – the villain wins, the sweet one wins, no one wins, the winner turns down the proposal, the winner is really the opposite gender, the winner is an alien, the winner keeps bodies buried in the backyard – we’ve seen it all. So we blow off this voiceover as more Bachelorette hype designed to tease us to tune in. However, you have to pay close attention to Chris’s wording here. We saw all of that on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette. That means that any of those scenarios could repeat and it would indeed be the most dramatic season finale for The Bachelorette, since technically that is a different show. Tricky, huh?

Biggest, “Um…Are You Sure You Really Want to Date This Chick, Roberto? It Seems Like She Has Mad Axe-Murderer Skills, Dude…” Moment:

In keeping with the Lorena Bobbit theme that Ali began in Portugal serving a severed sausage to Roberto, Ali again shows us her hacking skills in Tahiti. In the closing credits, Roberto is trying to hack open a coconut with a machete during his island date with Ali. He takes a few swipes and can’t get it open and tells Ali he wishes he had listened better to his dad when his dad showed him how to do it.

Next we see Ali take over the chopping while Roberto stands back and gapes at her pounding the hell out of the coconut with the machete. The producers even pipe in scary Psycho-sounding music to really push home the point that no one should screw with Ali. Frank watched this scene back and closed his legs and hunched over in Nicole’s one-room studio back in Chicago, right? We even see that after she’s done with the hack job, the machete is permanently wedged into the coconut. Even former baseball player and current stud muffin Roberto can’t dislodge it. "Don’t screw with canary yellow-wearing single chicks from San Francisco but really from Massachusetts!" is clearly the message here. Fade to black. You’ve all been warned, gentlemen…

All right, that about wraps it up for this week. To finish up, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that I won’t be here to blog about the next two episodes – The Men Tell All and the season finale. I know it’s really bad timing, but family obligations call. I promise that I will get caught up and put up one big posting about both of them a few days after the finale. I hope my loyal readers will understand and will check back when the new posting is up.

The good news is did you all see the commercial for Bachelor Pad last night? Oh my word, does that seem like the best night of television ever? My favorite line of the ad goes to some sweet, young lovely who asks demurely, “Can somebody please help me take my top off?” during a giant game of Twister. Weather Man is back, perfectly coifed hair Craig is back, Elizabeth (who used to look like Courtney Cox and was a tease with Jake) is back and blonde, and oh the bods bods bods bods! Can’t WAIT for August 9^th when it premieres. And I will be blogging that show too, no worries. You won’t miss a thing.

Have a great couple of weeks Bachelor/ette fans, and I’ll be back here soon!

Blog Up Later Today!

2010-07-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Wow...for an episode that spent over an hour on the Frank story when it could have just taken 15 minutes, you people are fired up about it all! I have emails and messages pouring out of every email and Facebook account.

I'm busy getting the blog ready for later today, so check back then.

A Tale of Tampa, Cape Cod, Green Bay, and Chicago -- It's Time for the Hometown Dates!

2010-07-13T18:30:00.001-07:00

First off, I usually put this at the end of my postings, but I realize that they are really long and most of you probably don’t even make it to the end. I wanted to invite everyone to join my Facebook page called After the Rose. It’s updated more regularly than this page is. Join us there for clips, gossip, cartoons, and hopefully some fun chat. Right now I only have 24 fans, which is pathetic considering this page had over 400 hits last week! C’mon….you know you wanna join!

I’m getting hundreds of hits now on this page (several of them international!), so welcome to all of you who have come to check this out. Who knew that so many people loved to dish on this show the way I do? I appreciate you being here. Leave a message and let me know what you think. Lots of you have sent great suggestions for ways to make this even better, and I always love hearing them.

OK…now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to what you REALLY came here for…

It’s hometown date night tonight on The Bachelorette. And you know what that means, right? Time for Ali to check out all the guys’ families, decide which one is the craziest, and dump that guy. It happens like clockwork every season. Remember Jason going home to meet Naomi’s family back on his season? Naomi’s mom had a dead bird in the freezer that had hit her windshield? And it was the same freezer where they kept their frozen dinners and popsicles? And she made Jason say a eulogy? And they buried the frozen carcass in the backyard? Remember? Like total nutso crazy? You can’t make this stuff up, people.

I guess it’s only fair to let the bachelors and bachelorettes meet their potential in-laws before they dive into giving and accepting wedding proposals. But it always ends up making one of the hopefuls look worse since they come from a weird family. Tonight was no exception. More on that later.

Hometown Date with Roberto, or “Steeplecat, Steeplecat, What Are They Feeding You?”

We start off tonight’s show with scenes of Ali walking through some sort of verdant garden area. Her voiceovers are telling us that it’s down to four guys now. She says she’s nervous for the hometown dates, but that she’s also excited to meet everyone’s families. We see a shot of her packing her shiny, spangly shoes into her suitcase, so you know Ali feels fancy and means business.

Suddenly salsa music starts playing and we know that Ali is heading to Florida for her hometown date with Row-bur-toe. With all the spicy music and shots of interesting architecture, we must be in Miami Beach, right? Um, no. The words at the bottom of the screen actually tell us we are in Tampa. Tampa. Saying that word actually just made me yawn. The name sounds like a feminine hygiene product. But if the producers want to “spice up” a boring city with a little Latin music, then who am I to judge? I’m just saying it was a bit of a letdown.

Ali meets Roberto at the campus of the University of Tampa (yawwnnn…), where apparently Roberto attended and played baseball. They do the patented Bachelor/ette “lift and leg wrap” maneuver as they greet each other, Roberto asks her, “How ya doin’, beautiful?”, and Ali’s annoying laugh is back in full effect. We immediately notice that she’s wearing her signature bright, canary yellow, so that’s a good sign.

Roberto has told Ali to wear shorts and be ready to be active today. Gee…I wonder what they will be doing? Water ballet? Riding horses? Oh! Roberto used to play BASEBALL! That’s it! I bet they’re going to play BASEBALL!

Sure enough, Roberto pushes open a gate like he’s about to show Ali the final resting place of the Ark of the Covenant, the music sweeps, and GASP! It’s the ACTUAL field where Roberto played baseball in college! It’s all that we dreamed it would be and more, including pixilated-out advertisements all around the outfield. Weep weep. Ali’s such a lucky girl.

Roberto shows Ali a jersey that just happens to be lying in the dugout and, lo and behold, when he turns it around it has her NAME on the back! Her NAME! Ali WAY over-enthuses about how excited she is to see “ALI” printed on the back of some lame jersey and we look away embarrassedly.

Then Roberto leaves and comes back…wait for it…wearing HIS uniform from when HE played in college! AND he’s number 19 AND there’s a number 19 on the back of Ali’s jersey too! Can you believe the coincidence of it all? I mean, what are the odds?

We get lots of scenes of both of them batting and fielding and throwing. Ali’s not as athletic-looking as they made her out to be. I mean, she’s holding her own and would probably run circles around me, but she’s definitely not ready for the Olympic softball team by any means. I thought the reason she looked so bad this season in all of her fancy dresses is because she’s such an athletic tomboy. Turns out that she just looks better in athletic clothes. Who knew?

At one point in their little outing, Roberto cozies up behind her to show her how to properly hold the bat. We all recognize this move for what it is – a chance to get into a sexual position but still keep your clothes on. Ali totally knows what he’s up to and snuggles right back into him.

After the fun and frivolity out on the diamond, they sit down to a picnic lunch on the field. Roberto takes this opportunity to take out a little gift he has for Ali – his baseball card from when he played baseball. Ali is way too impressed about it. Those of us paying close attention can see that the team he played for is not the Yankees or the Dodgers. It’s the Steeplecats. What the #%@# is a steeplecat? I just looked up the team online, and they are playing The Laconia Muskrats this weekend if anyone’s interested in going. (UPDATE: I just checked it out on Google and Wikipedia, and as far as I can tell a steeplecat isn’t even a type of cat. Huh? Also, Microsoft Word is underlining “steeplecat” in red, so it’s not even really a word.)

Ali thinks Roberto is “smokin’ hot” on his card. She’s digging a man in his uniform, especially a baseball uniform. I have to admit Roberto sizzles up the hotness meter in basically whatever he’s wearing, so more power to him. I just wish those weird dents in the top corners of each of his eyebrows would finally grow back in. Some manscaping salon in Tampa (yawwwnnn….) needs to give him his money back.

They toast with champagne and talk about being nervous and excited to hang with Roberto’s family tonight. Roberto tells her that his dad is an ex-Army Ranger and can be tough, and that his mom is passive and doesn’t like to argue. Um, OK. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Dad bosses and Mom complies to avoid an argument.

They kiss and make out a lot during this whole segment. These two are definitely still feelin’ some chemistry. They can’t keep their bodies off of each other ever. If they went any further they’d need their own After Hours show on Showtime with the Big Brother cast.

Now it’s nighttime and the two of them are walking up to Roberto’s family’s home. Ali has on yellow again and is wearing heels that seem way too high for a first meeting with potential in-laws at their house.

Ali gets introduced to Roberto’s family – his dad Roberto Sr., his mom Olga, his sister Olga, his brother Peter (who is also, fortunately, smokin’ hot), and Peter’s wife Kristin – and is immediately bummed when she realizes that if she and Roberto end up together she’s going to have to name her firstborn son Roberto and her firstborn daughter Olga. Olga? I mean, can you just imagine Ali’s WASP-y family being excited that their first granddaughter is named Olga?

They all make small talk around the dinner table and Ali says she’s driven through Tampa (Yawwwnnn…) but never really stopped there before. Gee, I wonder why? It couldn’t be that Ft. Lauderdale, Miami Beach, and Orlando/Disneyworld might be a bit more interesting when one is deciding on Florida destinations?

Roberto’s brother asks Ali why she gave Roberto the First Impression Rose back on the first night and she recalls Roberto telling her to “…just look here in my eyes…” if she felt stressed out. He calmed her down and really impressed her.

Next, Roberto and his dad head outside for some alone time. Roberto wants to know what Dad thinks about Ali, but his dad only talks about how great Roberto is. “You’re a prize!” he says proudly, but with his accent, it makes it sound like he said, “You’re a price!” and so I get confused for a second. How much does Roberto’s dad think he’s actually worth?

Next, the “Roberto is a prize!” theme continues as his dad brings Ali into a room filled with trophies and photos from Roberto’s baseball days. At first I think it’s nice that Roberto’s parents have saved all of this for him in his old room, but then the camera starts panning around and I realize that there is nothing else in this room besides a couch and all the awards. It’s like Roberto’s parents’ shrine to how great he was when he played baseball before he met Ali. Now he just sells insurance and exudes manly hotness. I think it’s strange that his parents have a room only devoted to his past greatness. Roberto should have all that stuff at his own house.

Sitting in the trophy room, Roberto Sr. wants to know what goals Ali would sacrifice for Roberto. Ali sidesteps the question and says she’d do what is best for the whole family, implying that she can’t wait to start making babies with this guy’s son. Ew. She talks about teaming up with Roberto and maybe accomplishing work goals together. Maybe they could go into business together and market canary yellow #19 baseball jerseys! When you see them on the runways in Milan next year, you can say you heard it here first. As Dad and Ali get up to leave the trophy room, it’s notable to me that the camera stays for a few extra seconds on the faux-pleather yellow couch. There’s that yellow again!

Next we watch Roberto chatting outside in the backyard with his mom. He tells her that, given the chance, he will most likely propose to Ali. Then, for some reason, he switches to Spanish to ask for his mom’s blessing. We even get the English subtitles below, which makes me wonder if Roberto’s mom has even understood anything going on tonight. Why did he need to switch to Spanish at that exact moment? Mom, of course, gives her blessing, and I notice that she is really pretty and looks really young. Not bad for being married to a tough ex-Army Ranger, huh?

The producers always have to put people on this show in really awkward situations, and Roberto is no exception. In the next scene he and his dad are sitting on a bed together (a bed? Really? Ew.) and Dad is giving Roberto his blessing as well. They speak a bit in Spanish, but we don’t get subtitles.

For the last scene, we cut back to the living room. Roberto’s parents are dancing to some Latin music and I feel bad for Roberto. Who wants to bring their girlfriend home to watch their parents dancing in the middle of the living room? Humiliating. But Roberto makes lemonade out of his parents’ gigantic lemons and pretty soon everyone is up and dancing too.

Although the camera leaves the happy family cha-cha-cha’ing to their heart’s content, we get an ominous voiceover from Ali who’s talking about future decisions. “I think the closer I get to (picking the final guy), I’m almost getting cold feet along the way…” Cue ominous music and fade to black.

Home Town Date with Chris, or ”Welcome to the Most Depressing Date of the Season”

One of the staples of this show is that almost every season, one of the remaining bachelors or bachelorettes has to have a sad story back in their hometown. For her hometown date, Meredith took some guy to her grandmother’s grave (Grandma had died while Meredith was taping the show). Joy…just what every guy wants to do on a romantic date. Make out in a graveyard. Cue sad music and memories of Grandma.

Back when we thought Ali was a shoe-in to woo Jake’s heart, she brought him home to meet her family, but not before a stop at her dead grandmother’s house complete with photos and minor chord background music to make us all sad. Then they made out in dead Grandma’s backyard.

This season is no exception, as Ali now arrives on Cape Cod in Massachusetts to meet Chris. Chris’s mom died from cancer last year, and he moved home to be with her until the end. Her death has obviously really affected him, and throughout this season he’s opened up a bit more about how close he was to her and how much her death has profoundly impacted the surviving members of his family.

The mood is already set for this date as they greet each other on a gray, rainy, depressing Beach of Love. Chris has already been kind of a sad sack for most of this series. I get that he has just lost his mother, so I don’t begrudge him feeling blue and disconnected. But then why go on a reality dating show before you’ve processed any of that? He’s not somebody who has come across as joyful or passionate about anything this season.

Both of them are dressed to fit the mood – drab, gray, dull, nothing bright. They play fetch with Chris’s dog Jenny on the beach.(UPDATE: I just read on Ali's blog that this dog is actually named "Jetty". I'll trust her over what I heard last night with my own ears.) Jenny is one of those dogs who’s great at going after the ball, but won’t give it back once it’s firmly clenched between her teeth, which is a great metaphor for Ali’s quest to find the perfect mate. “She doesn’t know how to drop it,” Chris tells Ali. Smirk.

I notice that Ali and Chris don’t kiss when they first greet each other. With Roberto, Ali literally got to home plate before the date was even over. I also notice something about Chris tonight. He talks out of one side of his mouth. I guess that’s not important, but it’s interesting.

In a voiceover Chris tells us that Ali is …”smart…playful…drop-dead gorgeous…I just want to run in circles when she’s around…” and then we laugh as we see his dog running circles around them on the depressing Beach of Love. “She’s the perfect girl for me!” he tells us, and we realize that in a past life Chris was a puppy dog who ran circles on the beach and never listened to anyone.

They walk along the beach for a while and Chris scores the line of the night by pointing out that there are probably whales mating right out in the ocean there “as we speak”. I really hope that one of them cracks a “humpback” joke, but no such luck.

Ali tells us, “I feel the romance already! This is awesome!” but we have noticed that they still have not kissed once and that they are still on the depressing Beach of Love with a dog who won’t give up the ball. Hmmm…do you think she’s lying or has been edited?

Next, they head to Chris’s house, which is actually a very cute New England-style place. Of course, their first stop is to the shrine of photos and memorabilia Chris has in memory of his mom. It’s actually very sweet to see his parents’ wedding picture and shots of Chris as a little boy. Cue strings and pass the tissue.

Chris tells us that he’s sad his mom will never get to meet his future wife. She met both of his brothers’ fiancés, but that can’t happen for him now that she’s gone. Chris is the oldest of the three, so apparently he’s feeling stressed about being the only one not to have wed yet.

Ali and Chris take glasses of beer out to the front porch and start a cute conversation where they pretend to be a married couple sitting on the porch and watching the world go by.

“So dear, how was your day?” Ali asks him.

“Honey, the boss was yelling at me all day. Sigh…I need a beer!” he answers.

“This is awesome!” Ali replies.

Besides being entertaining, this whole exchange sets the stage for what their real life together will be like – vapid, mind-numbing conversation fueled by booze and screaming bosses. Good times on Cape Cod.

At one point in their conversation, a car zips by and beeps at them. Ali asks if it’s someone from Chris’s family, but he says no. It’s just a random car beeping. Then, throughout all the rest of Ali’s date at Chris’s house, I notice that there are lots of cars whizzing by. Apparently Chris could afford a nice place in a crappy location since it sounds like he’s right on the highway with the amount of ambient traffic noise that fills the rest of the outdoor scenes.

Chris says he hasn’t brought anyone home to meet his family since his mom died and that he wouldn’t have brought Ali back home if he didn’t think his family would love her too. He again says he’s jealous of what his brothers have and I notice that his hair is extra spiky tonight.

They kiss on the porch and Ali says she’s excited to meet his family. In his best run-on sentence, Chris answers back, “You make me smile and happy and I like that a lot.”

Next, Chris’s family arrives. We meet his dad first, who seems like a nice guy with a weathered New England face. Immediately I notice that he has the same gross black bump under one of his fingernails that Ty had last week. Either it’s a sign that Chris is not getting a rose tonight like Ty last week, or that Ali only surrounds herself with people who don’t know how to correctly operate a hammer. Chris’s dad also has natural, pointy, Doctor Spock ears. Geeky chick magnet.

We meet Chris’s two brothers, Mark and Eric, who are cute, but Chris is definitely the hottest of the three. We also meet the wife and fiancé (Meaghan and Sarah) of the two brothers.

They crack open a bottle of wine that Chris and Ali brought from their winery date in Portugal. Chris steps into dicey territory when he tells Ali, “If you get Meaghan and Sarah bombed, they’ll love you!” which kind of makes it sound like they won’t like her sober.

Meaghan and Sarah both immediately notice that Ali is wearing one of the same Dennis bracelets that they have too. Ali says Chris gave it to her two days ago in Portugal, but wasn’t she in Florida with Roberto two days ago? I’m not sure how they edit this show. I just don’t even try to figure it out.

Something popping up a lot this season that I also noticed back on Jake’s season is that Ali says the word “important” a lot, but she pronounces it like “impor-int” and omits the first “t” sound for some reason. Why do people do that? Is it an East Coast thing? It makes her sound like a little kid to me.

They all crowd around platters of shellfish and start to eat while Chris’s dad tells her that their family motto is, “Love is the only reality.” Which is nice, but also kinda puke-y at the same time. In my family our slogan was, “Get your elbows off the table and get your hands out of your pants!” Go figure.

They sit around and chat with each other, and it feels like Ali is coming off a little ditzy in this part. They want to know what made Chris different for her and she says he’s “…funny…caring…(and) family-oriented…” She giggles a lot and seems a lot like someone on the outside of a clique trying too hard to break in.

Chris’s dad tells the story of how he and Chris’s mom met, and I wonder why he would want to air these details on national television once I hear what he has to say. He walked into a bar when he was 22. His future wife was there too. She was 19 and had gotten into the bar using a fake ID (Excellent parental role-modeling here…) Apparently, Chris’s mom had turned to a friend and told her that he was the guy she was going to marry, and she was right. Two years later they were married. It’s a sweet “love at first sight” story that resulted in a lifelong, loving relationship. I guess I’m too cynical, though. Personally, I’d be bummed if my folks told me they met illegally in a bar the first time.

Ali gets some alone time with Dad, who tells her that she and Chris have a lot in common. They both gave up jobs to help nurse sick loved ones until they died. Ali says she had never made that connection before, and Jake is watching this at home and rolling his eyes since he had to endure the funereal tour of Grandma’s house last season and Ali doesn’t even remember it.

Dad says his goal is to have all three of his sons happy and married before he dies. He also says, though, that Chris has never had that “someone special” to share his feelings with, but that he’s “…an incredible kid.” This speaks volumes about Chris’s past relationships. He kind of sounds like damaged goods. Add in the death of his mom weighing on him, and Chris L. may not be the best catch for Ali right now. Too much baggage there.

Now Chris is chatting with his two brothers and their significant others. They can tell he really likes Ali since they can see he’s giddy as a schoolboy around her. But they are also worried since this is, after all, a competition and Ali is choosing between four guys right now. They want to watch out for him since he’s the kind to “…jump in with (his) whole heart...”

Chris again is excited that Ali will “fit right in” to the family, but I’m not really feeling it on this date. There is a pall of sadness and depression surrounding this whole part of the episode. Nothing feels light and fun like with Roberto.

Chris and his Dad get some alone time on the porch with more traffic zooming by in the background. Chris again says he’s pissed that his brothers got to “show off” their future wives to his mom and he won’t get to do that too. This guy needs to be married too much. Big warning sign. Dad answers back that Mom is probably “up there” orchestrating this whole thing. “You’re the first born. You mean a lot to us. Now why aren’t you married like your brothers? Are you defective?” Well, OK. He didn’t say those last few parts. But you could see it in his weathered, New England face.

Chris says a tearful goodbye to his family, and then announces to Ali that he has one more thing to show her. This date feels like it’s been going on and on and on. Is it just me or was this date like twice as long as the other ones? It plodded along and never felt like it would end.

Chris and Ali walk up to the top of some random stone tower that is on Chris’s property. I have no idea what it is. Maybe my readers from New England can enlighten us? Anyway, they climb up to the top of it, set their wineglasses perilously close to the edge (the parent in me kept flinching any time it looked like their elbows were anywhere near the glasses), and touch their foreheads together. Awww… “Damn, you’re cute!” Chris tells her and kisses her neck. “I love it when you kiss my neck,” Ali answers back. A 7^th grader could have written this dialogue, folks.

They finally make out (with much less passion than with Roberto, I notice), the music swells, I see Ali has a French manicure on her nails, and then we are finally done with the depressing hometown date of this season. I need to go put on some Katy Perry or some Ke$ha and lighten the mood a bit. This was all a real downer, huh? Where’s Krazy Kasey when you need him?

Kirk’s Hometown Date, or “My Dinner with Vienna’s Mother”

As we open on Kirk’s hometown date, we do a double take when we hear the music. We see shots of a tractor harvesting in a field and we see cows, both of which we associate with Wisconsin. Agriculture, cheese, farms – I’m getting it so far. But I think that the producers accidentally piped in the music they hoped to use in case Ty scored a hometown date in Tennessee. What’s up with all of the banjo pickin’? It sounds like an episode of Hee Haw playing in the background. Something is definitely wrong here. Kirk is from Green Bay, Wisconsin, not the Blue Hills of Tennessee. I think the nice citizens of Midwestern Green Bay might be kind of bummed to have their town associated with southern banjo music.

For some reason, Kirk is standing in a gazebo in the middle of a random local park. He runs up and hugs Ali, but doesn’t get the wrap-around leg action from her – probably because he’s too short to be able to lift her all the way into the air. She’s wearing a bright yellow jacket, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we will again be watching a happy, upbeat Ali this time. For his part, Kirk says, “Holy cow!” way too much, but it’s endearing in a Midwestern way, so we’ll give him a pass this week. He’s still a bit too hyper and naive for Ali, I think, but we’ll see.

Kirk tells Ali that they will actually be visiting two households today. His folks are divorced like Ali’s but what’s different is that Kirk’s parents don’t speak to each other any more while Ali’s do. Ali thinks that’s weird. She thinks that Kirk has inherited trust issues because of his parents’ relationship, so she’s treading lightly for now until she finds out more.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this posting, another Bachelor/ette formula for the hometown dates is that one family has to be crazy and have the crazy music playing in the background. Unfortunately for Kirk, his dad’s house is the place getting the treatment this time around.

Kirk takes her to meet his dad (who, Kirk tells us, is a man of few words), his stepmom (who looks like she could use some advice from the local Mary Kay representative), and his sister Nikko (sp.?). Kirk makes a point of saying “…my adopted sister Nikko.” for some reason, like saying that she’s adopted explains their age difference or something.

We’ve been seeing previews for this next scene for weeks now, but the kooky music starts and Kirk’s dad invites Ali downstairs to see his basement. If you ever are meeting a strange family in Green Bay, Wisconsin my advice to you would be NOT to go down to the basement alone. Unfortunately, Ali doesn’t have the Spidey Sense I do, and she heads down to the depths like Clarice Starling looking for the killer who peels skin off of his/her victims in Silence of the Lambs. The parallels here are creepy, no?

Of course the entire basement is filled with Kirk’s dad’s taxidermy projects – both completed and in progress. She puts her hand over her mouth all grossed out and says, “Oh my god!”

“This is what I do,” Kirk’s dad proudly announces. “I bring animals back to life!” Maybe the producers were right to use the backwoods banjo music for this date after all?

He says he’s done thousands of animals and we get creepy close-ups of many of them including shiny tongues, bared teeth, and prey still hanging from jaws. It’s truly an off-putting scene for those of us used to seeing live animals in the wild or in the zoo. Ali speaks for many of us when she says, “I love animals, but I love them when they’re alive!”

Cut back up to the living room where Kirk, his sister, and Mrs. Anti-Mary Kay are talking about how they think Ali will react to what she finds down in the basement. “Maybe she’ll say, ‘Oh, cool!’” the little girl predicts, and we laugh since we know at this point Kirk’s dad has most likely lowered Ali into a well and told her to “put the lotion on its body!”

Now Ali is staring wide-eyed as Kirk’s dad takes her on a tour of his finer masterpieces. “What is this?” she asks, pointing to a weird piece of fur with googly eyes on it.

“That’s a caribou foot that I put eyes on it,” comes the reply. OK, right now I hereby apologize to the producers for making fun of them including banjo music at the beginning. They knew exactly what they were doing. This guy could not be any more redneck – from the extra “it” at the end of his sentence, to the fact that decorating animal feet is something he seems to enjoy and take pride in, to his crazy hair that hasn’t seen conditioner since ’76, this guy has nuts written all over him.

Next, he takes Ali over to a freezer and keeps with The Bachelor/ette tradition of dead animal remains in cold places going by showing Ali not only frozen carcasses, but frozen parts and organs he’s removed from other animals. It’s like a Who’s Who of disgusting animal dregs in there, and Ali can’t wait to get away.

Upstairs, Kirk is asking what they think of Ali and if he should ask her to marry him. The little sister tells Kirk that he should definitely ask Ali to marry him. Then she holds her finger up and starts repeating, “Redrum! Redrum!” over and over again while blood starts dripping down the walls. Or something like that.

The stepmom agrees in a completely flat, monotone voice tinged with a Midwestern accent. The camera pans around the room filled with all sorts of porcelain tchotchkes that she bought for $5 apiece off of QVC.

We go back down to the basement where Ali ~~has just finished trying on a coat made completely out of the skin that Kirk’s dad has collected from his murder victims~~ is sitting down and chatting with Kirk’s dad. Dad says that Kirk hasn’t brought many “gals” home, and we completely understand that since they all probably got thrown in the well and doused with lotion and skin coats. Word gets around, y’know.

“He’s one of the good guys,” his dad says about Kirk. Ali says she had a good conversation with the dad. We laugh uncontrollably throughout this entire scene because in another coup of perfect “over the shoulder” placement by the producers, there is a completely skinned animal that is obviously in the process of getting a makeover from Dad right over Ali’s shoulder. It’s a hilarious juxtaposition to see cute, yellow-clad Ali going on and on about how nice it is to meet Kirk’s family while a poor, dead, skinned rodent huddles behind her in a death pose. The only recognizable features of the animal we can make out are the dead-looking eyes. Poor thing.

We finish this scene with a shot of a stuffed squirrel holding what looks like a raspberry in its paws. I bet Kirk’s dad is getting orders out the wazoo after this episode. If anyone’s wondering what to get me for Christmas this year, I’ll take two caribou feet and a raspberry squirrel, please. What’s not to love?

Next, Dad and Kirk talk one-on-one and Kirk’s dad ups the serial killer/stalker ante by telling Kirk, “I’d love to have her around here all the time…She seems really nice.” and Kirk’s stepmom wishes the dad would say the same thing about her and makes a mental note to start wearing bright yellow and giggling loudly at nothing in particular.

Kirk’s dad reminds him that the reason he and Kirk’s mom split was because they got married so young and grew apart. He tells his son to make sure that he and Ali are compatible. But he ends up giving Kirk his approval in the end and tells him he knows Kirk will make a good decision.

To really add to the serial murder movie scenario, the producers next give us a shot of Kirk’s dad and stepmom gazing out their back window while Kirk, Ali, and the little sister play soccer in the backyard. A true stalker shot there. “I haven’t seen Kirk like this before,” his dad mentions while we see that Kirk actually CAN pick Ali up. It looks like he’s attacking her and throwing her body around the yard while little sister whoops it up and laughs. The family that murders together, stays together, apparently.

In a voiceover, Kirk tells us that he was worried about taking Ali to his dad’s house, but that it all went as well as he could have thought. Now he can’t wait for her to meet his mom.

We come back from commercial, and it’s time to meet Mom. As they walk up to the house, Ali’s voiceover tells us that she’s worried Kirk has never been in a serious relationship before. I notice that there is a random bench on the lawn just sitting out by the street. In my neighborhood, that bench would be gone in less than a day, so apparently the crime rate is lower in Green Bay.

They walk in and meet Kirk’s grandma Arelene, his mom Tina, and his sister (I think her name was Tawna or Tania, but I couldn’t make it out). Immediately I notice something that throws off my whole evening. Was it just me or was Kirk’s mom EXACTLY what you would have pictured Vienna’s mom to look like? Kind of a washed-out, bleached-up lady who’s definitely “seen a lot of life” as they say. It was eerie to keep making that connection throughout this segment of the show. I kept seeing Vienna whenever they cut to Kirk’s mom. Of course, the one main difference is that Kirk’s mom’s mouth happens to be full of braces. I’m guessing Vienna’s mom is pretty much toothless at this point (Yeah…I said it! So what?)

Kirk’s sister is hot, no doubt. I’m not sure where she and Kirk got their looks since Mom and Dad haven’t weathered the years too well.

The family sits right down to a typical Midwestern meal – meatloaf, carrots, and TWO kinds of potatoes. Grandma seems especially interested in getting the meal started. She reminds me of the “Where’s the beef?” lady from the 80s. She’s very focused on getting that food passed and on letting Ali know there are TWO kinds of potatoes. “Dish up the cheesy potatoes!” she urges the group.

They chat while they eat and Kirk’s sister wants to know what makes Kirk special for Ali. Ali answers that he’s “quirky…funny…and positive” which describes every guy on this show except maybe Chris L., who is too sad sack to be labeled positive. Ali also likes that Kirk made her that sad scrapbook on the first night they met. He says his sister told him not to give that to Ali on the first night, but he smirks across the table at her as Ali says that it made an impact on her and she liked getting to know him that way early on.

Kirk blushes and tells us he wants to be with Ali in the end. The 7^th grader in me snickers just a bit. Tee…hee…hee…”in the end”.

Kirk goes outside and talks to his sister while she sits uncomfortably on a swing. “She’s magnetic!” he tells Sis. “I feel better when I’m close to her…She likes me for me.” The sister just kinda sits there doe-eyed and swoony and nods her head. “I’m ready to finally give and receive in a relationship…This is what I want,” Kirk affirms and again we tee hee hee. This is too easy.

Next Ali gets some alone time with ~~Vienna at 60 years old~~ Kirk’s mom. They talk about Kirk’s fight during his illness. You may remember that during college Kirk moved into the Amityville House and ended up sick with mold and toxic infections of all sorts. Mom pulls out a tattered, yellow Live Strong bracelet and tells the story that she and Kirk always wore the bracelets throughout his illness and recovery. Two days before he left for California to be on the show, Mom woke up and her bracelet had snapped off of her wrist and fallen off. She took it as a symbol of a new beginning. We take it as a symbol that she ~~should probably make the track marks on her OTHER arm so the bracelet won’t fall off as her veins collapse~~ has really thin wrists. She wells up as she tells the story.

Kirk next has some one-on-one with his mom and she says she could tell he was “…instantaneously happy…” She thinks she’s a good judge of people and likes Ali a lot. “I think it’s your turn now (at love)” Mom says to Kirk. They hug, and it’s actually pretty sweet. Kirk and his family are likeable and genuine. “I’d be lost without my family,” he says.

Then he goes and ruins it all by saying, “I feel ten times more confident today (about his relationship with Ali…)” This, of course, is the death knell of their relationship. We may as well fast forward to the Rose Ceremony now, because we know this guy isn’t making it through to the next round of dates.

He hugs Ali goodbye next to the ubiquitous SUV with tinted windows and tells her, “You fit right in!” They kiss, but there is way less passion here than with either Roberto or Chris. You can just feel that Green Bay Kirk is a little too “green” to keep up with the likes of San Francisco Ali.

Frank’s Hometown Date, or “Captain Tootie”

Last but not least, it’s Frank’s turn for the hometown date in Chicago. He tells us he’s happy to be home and misses Ali a lot. “I’m very ready to bring her home and introduce her to my parents,” he tells us, and we can only hope we will get to see Frank’s room at his folks’ house. Will it still have his Guns ‘n’ Roses posters up? His Pamela Anderson Baywatch poster? The Playboy hidden behind his bed? We can’t wait to find out.

We see lots of typical Chicago shots – the downtown skyline, shots of the El, etc. Frank is out on a pier and Ali runs up to him. She’s not wearing any yellow, which is probably a bad sign. Frank tells her that they are going to go for a boat cruise on the river through downtown. The boat leaves and Ali exclaims, “Oh! This is SO fun!” What she’s saying here is that this is WAY more fun than the awkward boat ride she took with Craig in Turkey where he tried to put the moves on her and her body could not have been turned any more awkwardly away from him.

They tell the captain to toot the horn and he does and they laugh. They pose for lame photos again. This seems to be a new running theme to the show too. Gia did it with Jake in New York Harbor. Now it’s Ali’s turn with Frank.

Then we get to hear them talking. Ali tells Frank she could be meeting her future in-laws today, and Frank gets way too over-animated. “That’s right!” he yells with a toothy smile as he all of a sudden realizes that Ali just gave him a little hint that she kinda likes him. Frank is too over-eager about everything and comes off as way too insecure. Ew. His voice is even trembling as he speaks. Is he nervous? Excited? About to pull a knife?

Then the music turns serious as Frank tells us that it’s been very up and down for him these past weeks. “It’s really hard,” he laments. “This is really, really important to me!” He goes on and on about journeys and having faith and how tough this all is. Then he butchers pronoun usage and says, “I can have faith in you and I and you send me home tomorrow.” Clearly Frank is at a crisis of faith in his relationship with Ali AND in his relationship with the English language.

Ali tells him not to think about all of that. She says that when Frank overanalyzes and questions everything, that’s when things get “iffy” for her. She can’t tell him her true feelings, so she needs him to have faith right now. So far this date is sounding like a cross between a Southern Baptist tent revival and a George Michael hit from the 80s (cuz of the faith, get it?)

Ali says she can’t figure him out, but she tells him, “I feel good about you.”

“You do?” Frank asks a little too desperately.

They spend the rest of their time on the boat looking sad, forlorn, and bored. At least they have their arms around each other, but the sunny, happy, captain-tooting-horn feeling that they had at the start of the date is definitely gone.

Next, the words at the bottom of the screen tell us that we are still in Chicago, but the scene we see looks agricultural with green fields and brown pastures. Maybe the producers got it wrong again?

They walk in to the family house, and meet Frank’s family. His mom Debbie is there, as well as his dad Hank. His sister Becky (who is hugely pregnant) is also there with her husband Chris. Becky looks exactly like the female version of Frank. The resemblance is spooky. It’s Frank in a wig. And what was up with the mom's elbows? For this entire segment they are bright red. Skin disease? She leans on them a lot? It was distracting.

They start off their visit by all cracking lots of sarcastic jokes. It gets kind of annoying. Mom jokes that since Frank is the last hometown date, Ali will probably boot him off the show now. Har har. It’s all bad jokes trying to be funny in an awkward way. Oh, and Mom definitely gives Brenda Vaccaro a run for her money with that husky smoker’s voice, huh?

Frank tells us that Ali, “…just shared our sense of humor,” which actually does make me laugh since Ali has not tried to say one funny thing this entire time. Mom and Ali head out to the backyard with their glasses of wine, and Frank is way too excited about it.

Ali says she likes the weather here and that she can feel the seasons changing like back home in Massachusetts. Frank’s mom asks Ali, “Is Frank possibly the right person for you?" and Ali answers, “Yes…I really like him a lot…” Then Frank’s mom says it feels like Frank and Ali have already been dating for a year, and I’m not sure if that’s her way of saying she feels like she already knows Ali so well, or that Ali is such a dull, lifeless shell of a human on this date that the time feels like it’s been stretching out for an eternity. She ends by saying she thinks the two of them are cute together, and we know for sure she didn’t just see the most boring boat tour of Chicago ever.

Now Frank is talking to his sister and brother-in-law in the living room, and I can’t help but notice that the entire room is decked out in an Asian theme. It’s like a little slice of Beijing, Tokyo, Saigon, and Bangkok all in the same living space. There are Shoji screens, Chinese vases (from Pier One, no doubt), figurines, Asian symbols…the whole nine yards. Odd.

The three of them chat for a bit, but it’s all boring. I can’t understand why fans like Frank so much. He’s twitchy, oily faced, and just so dull it makes you want to scream in his face. The gist of the conversation is that, surprise! surprise! they just want Frank to be happy and hope the best for him.

Ali somehow ends up with a new wineglass (this girl is plowing through some serious alcohol during this entire episode, huh?) and heads outside for a tete-a-tete with Frank’s sister. Sis says that Frank can be clouded by his emotions and that he’s scared that he’s so vulnerable. This family is so boring that I actually have nothing snipe-y to say about any of this.

Frank chats with his dad alone and tells him that he really likes Ali a lot. She gives really good French kisses under the Hollywood sign and skips really well – especially down emergency lanes. Dad says he likes Ali a lot too, and that she’s a good person, she’s genuine, and she’s a lot of fun.

“I REALLY like her,” Frank replies. “I want to be married.” Warning lights begin going off at this last declaration. More and more Frank seems like the type of guy who is here for the wrong reasons. He’s one of those typical contestants on this show who is falling in love with the idea of falling in love, but he’s missing all the joy and spontaneity of getting to know someone for the first time.

I forgot to mention it earlier, but Frank’s outfit during this whole segment deserves some discussion. He has an overshirt on over what is either a really stretched out t-shirt or a white tank top. Either way, the chest on the undershirt/tank top is WAY too low and is exposing much too much skin and shaved chest hair. It looks like it’s been stretched down too far somehow. We know it’s not from Ali putting her paws all over him in the boat earlier, so he must be wearing it that way on purpose. Pull up the undershirt, Frank.

The end of the date is nigh. Frank tells us, “Ali could very easily be the girl I propose to,” although he thinks he might also want to propose to that brunette we saw in the previews last week that makes him need to talk to Ali about something serious in Tahiti next week. Ali says, “His family is so great!”” and she can see herself being a part of it.

They walk out to the SUV and kiss. Frank puts his hand up on Ali’s face and, you guessed it, there’s that stupid thumb ring again. Despite this horrible fashion faux pas, Ali announces to us that there is a “…really good possibility that Frank and I will end up together at the end of this,” which anyone who has been watching the previews knows is nowhere near what will happen at the end.

Alas, we never got to see Frank’s room. I’m dying to know what it looks like, aren’t you? Maybe we’ll get to see it in InStyle one of these days if he makes it to the end.

The Rose Ceremony, or “Will Anyone Whose Father Does Taxidermy in the Basement Please Take One Giant Step Forward? You Need to Leave Now”

Back in Los Angeles, Ali’s limo pulls up to the mansion from previous episodes. The driveway is, of course, all wet and puddly and there is steam rising in front of the headlights for extra added effect. Chris Harrison comes out and opens Ali’s door and escorts her inside the house.

As she gets out of the limo, I can see that she has on a really gorgeous dress. I’m loving the shade of lavender and all of the roses along the bodice. Of course, though, the designer has to go and ruin it again by making it too long, thus making Ali have to stoop over to hold it up and ruin any beautiful line the dress may have had before.

She sits down for some one-on-one time with Chris. It’s immediately apparent that the make up people have caked on WAY too much lavender lip-gloss on Ali. Her lips look like they are being pulled downward with the weight of goop on them. The sheen her lips give off can probably be seen in ~~Lesbian~~ Lisbon.

Chris and Ali review each of the hometown dates one by one. It’s basically a rehash of everything we’ve heard before: Roberto is hot in a uniform, but is a fairytale guy that she doesn’t feel she deserves, she loved meeting Chris L’s family, she knows Kirk wants to be with her but isn’t sure that’s what’s best for her, and Frank was weird for the first part of their date, but she loved meeting his family.

After all of this Chris asks her, “Is your husband among these men?” and Ali makes a pregnant pause for effect, and then says with foreboding, “I’m scared.”

She starts to cry and goes on about how hard it will be to let one of the guys go tonight. “These hometown dates were pretty extraordinary!” she says. She’s not ready to let one guy go. Chris leaves her alone with her giant tears rolling down her face, but not before he flashes his GIANT watch. Man, that thing took up half his arm! Who needs a watch that big? You might as well glue a full-sized clock to your forearm. They cut to a shot of the fountain outside, which is apparently also crying giant tears. No sign of a giant watch on it, though. Cut to commercial.

Now we’re back for the Rose Ceremony. I think it’s significant that Chris L. finally decided to dress up tonight. He’s got on dress shoes AND a tie. He must have gotten a talking-to from his sisters-in-law. For his part, Roberto is the casual one tonight with his top button undone and his tie slightly loosened. All of the guys are playing “Whose hair is spikier?” as they wait for Ali to come in. They all assume the typical “Put your hands in front of your balls or else Ali is going to symbolically kick them hard” pose that all the bachelors make on this show.

Ali hunches into the room with bad posture and says her heart is pounding out of her chest. She starts to talk to the guys. “This has nothing to do with…” but then has to break off as she starts crying again. I notice her lips are WAY less glossy right now. Someone finally wiped off 90% of the stuff she had on in the other room.

She starts again. “This has nothing to do with your families,” she wails, and we know that’s a lie since every contestant from a crazy family gets dumped after the hometown dates on this show. Every one. Right now Kirk is wishing his dad could have had a hobby more mainstream than taxidermy like, say, fantasy football? Or possibly stamp collecting?

Roberto now has switched to the “I am so confident in getting a rose tonight, I will take my hands away from my balls and put them in my pockets” stance. The other three stand in defensive mode.

Roberto’s sixth sense was right on as Ali calls his name out to receive the first rose. He accepts it, and we get a shot of Frank looking all stalker-y and jealous. I notice that Frank has on a weird jacket tonight. At first glance it looks like a sports coat, but then when I look more closely at the collar and lapels, it kind of looks like a weird Members Only jacket. Odd choice.

Chris L. gets the second rose and he happily accepts it. Cut to Kirk looking nervous and wearing a skinny tie that is evoking a very Spandau Ballet vibe.

Now it’s down to Frank and Kirk, and of course Ali gives the last rose to…Frank. Kirk is out. Our eyes go wide as we realize that when Frank says that he will accept the rose, he doesn’t use Ali’s name at all. I am floored.

Kirk is expressionless, and Ali walks him out to the courtyard. They sit down, and Ali says she’s sorry.

“Don’t be sorry,” Kirk answers. Awww…he really is a sweet guy and I feel sorry for him just a bit.

Ali tells Kirk that, “It’s not about you or me, I just don’t know that we’re right together,” which is code for, “Your dad creeped me out with his caribou feet and you tossed me around in the backyard like a soccer ball way too much. Oh, and your little sister is weird.”

Kirk responds with, “Thank you, I guess. You’ve been my first real shot at doing this. It just sucks that it has to stop right now.” His first shot at doing what? Finding love on a fake reality show? Being dumped on national television? Having his dad finally exposed for the ruthless killer that he is?

They stand up and she asks Kirk for a hug. He hugs her, and then Ali escorts him to the limo, blows him a lame kiss, and stands there forlornly watching as the limo pulls away as if Kirk is being led away to the electric chair.

In the back seat interview, Kirk tells us, “I really, really did not see this coming. I’ve never had my heart broken before.” Apparently Kirk has always been the heartbreaker in the past. “This is definitely new,” he says.

He felt good and would have proposed to her if he had made it to the end. “My heart is a bit bruised right now. This sucks.”

Ali tells us that she cares a lot for Kirk and knows that he put himself out there. And with that, we bid adieu to Kirk. I’m sure this exposure will treat him just fine. Judging by all of the Bachelorette online bulletin boards, he has a bevy of beauties just waiting to sweep him off his feet now that Ali has left him in the dust.

Back inside the mansion, Ali announces to the remaining guys that they are now heading to Tahiti. The guys are excited, and Frank actually needs to put his hand on Chris L’s shoulder for support when he hears the surprise announcement.

Previews, or “Déjà Vu All Over Again”

There is no new footage in the previews. It’s all the same, sweeping shots of how beautiful Tahiti is, how Ali is ready to take her relationships with the three remaining guys to the next level, and how Frank is about to spill some very bad news to Ali. The real fireworks start next week.

Closing Credits, or “Sit, Ubu, Sit! Woof! Good Dog!”

We get our first truly funny clip of the season tonight as the closing credits roll. We are back on Chris L’s porch on Cape Cod and Ali wants to know if his dog Jenny knows any tricks. Chris, of course, says yes, and it starts a funny montage of him trying to get Jenny to do all sorts of things and Jenny not having any response at all except to the word “Treat!” When Chris says, “Treat!” her tail wags and she’s all about the attentiveness. But when he tells her to sit, it’s like she has no idea what to do.

Chris gets frustrated about looking like he doesn’t know his own dog at all. “Dammit, Jenny! You’re killing me!” He turns to Ali and deadpans, “She’s nervous to be on TV.” It’s a cute scene and finally shows a little of the upbeat personality that I’m sure is buried somewhere inside Chris L.

So there we go. Only three more episodes left this season – the final three, The Men Tell All, and the finale. Who will Ali choose? No spoilers, please, but if you have an opinion about the winner, come and share it with us! Don’t forget to join “After the Rose” on Facebook too. Thanks for reading and commenting, and catch you next week!