After the Tears of Joy and Sorrow

UCAP Conference Notes from Clay Olsen

2016-03-20T10:07:00.003-07:00

UCAP Conference – March 12, 2015

How Pornography is Changing an Entire Generation

Clay Olsen – Fight the New Drug

Research is proving pornography is harmful.

Truth is truth. Research eventually catches up to truth. Society eventually catches up to research. At one time cocaine was used for toothaches. Nursing mothers were encouraged to drink alcohol and tobacco was said to soothe and clear the lungs. We know in 1938, tobacco was found to be harmful and it wasn’t until the 1980’s that the government pulled tobacco ads and added the Surgeon General’s warning on tobacco. It took 40 years to catch up.

BRAIN - This generation is dealing pornography on a scale never before seen. It changing this generation in three areas: brain, heart and world.

University of Cambridge, in a recent study reported that those who have sexual behavior exhibit a behavioral addiction that is comparable to drug addiction in the limbic brain circuitry after watching porn. The reward pathway releases pleasure chemicals. It can hijack and rewire this part of the brain. The neuroplasticity wiring in the brain actually changes shape.

The study conducted by the Max Plank Institute for Human Development in Brain Research found less gray matter in porn users. This impacts the front lobe – decision making.

University of Cambridge also found that men who demonstrate compulsive sexual behavior require more and novel sexual images because they are used to seeing faster and faster images. It can straightjacket the brain.

Porn users mirror need of drug users.

HEART – What we love – How much we love – How we think of those we love – How we express our love.

What We Love - What we consume shapes our desires.

How Much We Love – Porn users are often dissatisfied with the “real” thing.

How We Think of Love – Porn users objectify women – they see them as a collection of body parts.

How We Express Love – it lowers libido. 1992 study showed 5% erectile dysfunction in men 18-59. In 2012, study shows 30% ED in men 18-25. In 2014, study shows 53.5% ED in men 16-21.

Porn can change your very nature.

A former porn star says that porn destroyed his ability to love.

WORLD – Yesterday v Today – access, availability, acceptability and human nature.

Pornography use is up and so is domestic violence. Sexual assaults have increased on college campuses.

Pornography is used to normalize exploitation and violence against women. 88% of porn contains violence against women.

Pornography is not real. Women have talked about having a gun pointed at their head and threatened with death is they didn’t look like they were enjoying it. It has and will continue to escalate.

GRAPHICS DID NOT MAKE THE SWITCH :(

We are seeing a shift because individuals are talking. The research has caught up to the truth. Now society needs to catch up with the research.

Fight the New Drug has set up an on-line program called Fortifyprogram.org. There are now 35,000 users in 150 countries.

We all know SimCity. If we wanted to set up an addiction edition we would: make it wildly accessible; free; target the young for life long addicts; normalize it; keep it secret; integrate in other medias; and we could go on and on.

Porn Culture Anti-Porn

Young	Old
Trendy	Out dated
Rebellious	Obedient
Non-judgmental	Judgmental
Level headed	Extreme
Cool	Boring

We need to change the conversation and flip that chart!

Fight the New Drug knows that you have to make cool first, then informative. Otherwise, you lose the kids. Millennials are more motivated to make cultural change than they are by money. Their trust is at an all time low.

We need to be fighting the old thinking and build up the new.

UCAP Conference Notes from Ernie Allen - 3/12/16

2016-03-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

UPAC Conference – March 12, 2016

Pornography: Its Harm to Children and What We Can Do About It

Ernie Allen, Allen Global Consulting LLC

He is an International Expert and Chairman of the We Protect Project

This class is stark and challenging.

US is failing in its response to pornography.

We are part of the largest unregulated social experience in history and we are paying a high price.

In the past, we could protect children, but now we cannot.

Will cover four points: 1) what we know about the problem; 2) how the challenge has changed; 3) how we have failed; and 4) a possible model to follow.

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT THE PROBLEM:

London School of Economics in 2008, says the average age of exposure is 11 years old. That is probably lower now.

80% of 15-17 year olds are accessing hard-core porn.

90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed pornography

85% of males are exposed to porn

50% of females are exposed to porn

IMPACT: Experience of viewing porn to younger children can make neurobiological changes in the brain.

It changes what they view as normal.

Philip Zambardo, Ph.D. of Stanford University has done research on compulsive use of pornography.

Boys, 10-15, exposure intensifies attitudes of aggression 6 ½ times to 24 times in sexual aggression.

Sharon W. Cooper, MD FAAP, UNC, has found that young viewers of porn believe it is real.

Donald L. Hilton, Jr., MD studies shows that “we see in people addicted to porn the same as what we see with people addicted to drugs, such as cocaine, supporting the theory that addiction to porn really is an addiction, and not merely a bad habit. The most significant areas of change are in the control and pleasure centers of the brain. Additionally, when we orgasm, we release a neurotransmitter call oxytocin which causes bonding, so we are literally bonding to porn when we use it to get – making beating the addiction much harder.” (The Harvard Crimson). The user needs more and more extreme porn.

In the first ever brain study on Internet Porn users was done by Max Plan Institute for Human Development in Berlin showed that in the hours and years of porn use showed a correlation to decreased gray matter in the region of the brain associated with reward sensitivity.

There is long-term harm. In the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University study in the 1940’s, showed that in men ages 15-30 only less than 1%. In a recent study, 1 in 3 men have erectile dysfunction.

HOW THE CHALLENGE HAS CHANGED:

Content has changed. Soft porn is non-existent.

Now it is extremely degrading and demeaning to women. They now use point of view photography, which is more impactful.

Dr. Ana Strong did a study of porn and found acts of aggression and violence. 88.2% included content of physical aggression. 50% contained verbal aggression. 94% of these aggressive acts are against girls and women.

This can no longer be considered a family value issue.

The pornography industry has changed their business model. The offer free porn. Several years ago, PornTube had 1 million visitors in one day. Currently, they 42 million visitors per day. They offer free porn and as the viewer continues they want more and will move to paid sites. They are focusing on kids because they will be lifelong customers.

Today, smart phones access porn. Projections are that there will be 250 million porn mobile users by 2017. CISCO projects that mobile porn users will increase 11 fold by 2018.

In response to the Arab Spring, the US created the dark net (TOR), which provides anonymity and privacy. They created to protect insurgents and journalists. The users are drug cartels, gunrunners, and pedophiles. 2% of the dark net are pedophile sites but that 2% gets 80% of the dark net traffic.

HOW WE FAILED:

We have failed as a nation. There have been three statutes passed and appeals courts have struck them down.

The Cox Commission states that only 28% of parents use filters on their computers. 17% use filters on their phones and only 15% use filters on gaming consoles.

We have stopped prosecuting obscenity. 1973 US Sup. Miller v. CA stated that obscenity is defined as violating contemporary community standards.

Columbia Law Review states that what used to be suppressed material are now available in vast quantity.

Sexual assaults are on the increase on college campuses and that may correlate to the amount of porn and the significant harm it causes.

A POSSIBLE MODEL TO FOLLOW:

There is a model to follow. Prime Minister David Cameron calls for action regarding pornography and the Internet. (Cameron). Mr. Allen recommended reading about this plan.

In the United Kingdom, there is default filtering of adult content from their Internet providers. The account owner, an adult, my opt out of the default filtering. 70% of Sky users left their default filters in place and only 30% of that percentage have children.

Mr. Allen has led a meeting with US Internet providers and they didn’t like nor felt they needed those limits.

The other part of the UK’s plan is age verification. Every website will implement an age verification or be subject to sanctions and fines.

CONCLUSION

The time of talk is over, we must act now.

Naomi Wolfe, a feminist leader, notes that pornography has supplanted the need for real women.

We need action on a state and federal level and we need private sector leadership.

Free speech is not absolute – it is limited when there is a clear and present danger.

UCAP Conference Notes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland - 3/12/16

2016-03-18T12:53:00.001-07:00

UCAP Conference – March 12, 2015

Keynote Speaker – Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Pornography is easier to access and it is growing.

Pornography is rending the moral fiber of society – it is rending the moral fiber of individuals.

Studies are helping to show damage – Barnum Group – Porn Phenomenon

3,000 people across the board

Earlier findings were difficult because it was not easily researched.

Now, people are more comfortable talking about it because the social taboo is less.

Most Americans believe it is harmful, however

89% teens are neutral about porn or seem it as good.

95% of young adults will have conversations about porn use.

Most Millennial believe that not recycling is a bigger problem than porn use.

Young woman is more common – under 25 ½ have sought porn occasionally

And 1/3 seek it monthly.

Pornography has gone almost completely digital. 71% of Adults 85% of teens and young adults are online.

When not seeking pornography, the study shows that people are exposed to unsolicited pornography once a week.

US Conference of Catholic Bishops: Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography states that society must see pornography as an epidemic or plague. If this were an infectious disease like polio or avian flu society would want it eradicated. It would be approached like a war where they would bring in the best experts in that field to work on eradicating it. We need to see pornography the same way. We need to sound the sirens.

In Christ’s Sermon on the Mount, He expanded the definition of adultery to include looking at or lusting after another. This defiles the letter and the spirit of the law. He also talks about not hiding your light and that He is the light of the world. There is NO light in pornography. It is dark, dingy, dirty, secret, and hidden. The Savior must have seen this plague coming.

LDS leaders, Catholic Priests, Protestant ministers, Jewish Rabbis and Muslim Mullahs all have spoken out against pornography. Pornography is the opposite of healthy intimacy.

Human trafficking is violence against the soul. In LDS belief the soul is more than the spirit. Because of the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, we redemption of the Soul, which is the spirit and the resurrected body. To trivialize and demean the body is to trivialize and demean the soul. They are connected.

If we see our child in danger – we would damn the torpedoes, storm the barricades or run into a burning building to save that child. When these images are viewed, it should be remembered that these “actors” are someone’s son or daughter, brother or sister. Someone’s family treasure.

Pornography is an addiction of the highest order. Not everyone who views porn is addicted but casual viewing leads to compulsive viewing which leads to entrapment. Viewing rewires the neuro circuit of the brain like cocaine or alcohol. The view begins to crave more and more. The viewing time gets higher and more extreme.

Porn is referred to as Triple A – Accessibility, Anonymity, and Affordability. A person takes a risk to view it and than brings embarrassment, guilt, even termination of family and/or employment.

What is a little slower in coming is the recognition of damage to the family and particularly to the spouse. We need to recognize the collateral damage being done to families.

Elder Holland uses Hold FAST when he counsels people in this matter. F is for Flee – leave the pull of proximity. A is Ask for help, especially from God. S is for Striving – this will not be easily overcome but with persistent effort it can. T is for Triumph – victory is possible and we must have hope.

We need to do all we can do as a coalition (UCAP).

Our Savior’s Atoning Sacrifice, that force – that pull is eternal. We must seek it and allow it into our lives. The Atonement is a certain reality.

The reality of Christ’s Redemptive Power is permanent, peaceful and everlasting.

Before Christ went into the Garden of Gethsemane, he said “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

The task at hand seems overwhelming and the odds are not so good, but we must issue and then answer the call.

10 - LIFT UP THE HANDS WHICH HANG DOWN

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Supporting in Righteousness. It is natural for us to want to protect our loved ones when they make choices which result in severe consequences. We may try to protect them by repairing the damage ourselves or make restitution on their behalf. We need to learn to "be careful not to support them in their addiction or enable them to commit sin." (Spouse & Family Support Guide). By always rescuing them we can either delay or stop their recovery.

We are all accountable for our actions and we cannot remove that accountability. "Only by repentance and obedience to the commandments can our loved ones be healed, receive forgiveness for their mistakes, and stand uprightly before the Lord." (S&FSG). What is the difference between supporting your loved ones in their recovery and hindering their recovery? Why is it important for your loved ones to be accountable for their actions?

Cheryl said she knew exactly what her husband should be doing and felt like if he would do what she knew he needed to do, he would be all good. In time, she learned that she could not presume to know what was at the core of his addiction. He needed to come to the Savior on his own. She had to step back and let him take over his own recovery. It needed to come due to his efforts.

Lena talked about the time her husband came home from his support meeting and he knelt by her bed and told her he could not go any further in recovery without her.

One thing we learned is that you can choose the behavior but you cannot choose the consequence.

Giving Our Support and Encouragement. Our loved ones may feel broken, defective and unworthy of God's love and will face many trials in recovery. They need hope and reassurance that they are worth the required effort. Our role is to love and support them in their recovery. We can assure them that the Savior and their efforts can lead them to recovery. "When we are compassionate, and strive to understand the shame or despair our loved ones may feel and consider all the efforts they are making. We 'bear one another's burdens, . . . mourn with those that mourn; . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.'" (S&FSG). Being compassionate does not mean we support their poor choices or excuse their behavior. What is the role of compassion in supporting your loved one? How can you express your compassion?

Valerie says when she is in a place to hear what the Lord wants and she prays to see her husband as a son of God, she is able to be more compassionate. She knows that she is forgiven over and over and feels she should be able to forgive.

Cheryl said she was able to see how broken her husband was and recognize his pain and she learned to be more compassionate. She wants and needs mercy. She does not want to be one that tries to exact justice on others.

Jude 21-22 says, "Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

"And of some have compassion making a difference:"

Continue to Minister. Our loved ones may not want or be ready for our support. They may resent or reject our efforts to help. We can feel frustrated and discouraged when we watch our loved ones continue in addiction, but we can love them and pray for them. Elder Robert D. Hales said "that a family member's 'faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their [loved one].'" (With All the Feeling of a Tender Parent," Ensign or Liahona, May 2004, 88). Even if our loved ones choose not to get better, we know that our prayers in their behalf are heard by our Heavenly Father. How can you respond to a loved one who does not seem ready or willing to accept your support?

We should not respond with shame and anger. We can pray for them and know that our prayers are being heard by a loving Heavenly Father.

Valerie says when she consecrates her life for good, fasts and prays for her husband and submit her will, she always receives an answer. Her Heavenly Father loves her husband more than she ever could love him.

Serving Others. Service can provide relief from our situation which may seem hopeless. We can't serve everyone and we should be careful and not run faster than our strength, but even simple acts can "bless and encourage others -- and lift our own spirits." (S&FSG). We know that "when we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are only in the service of our God." (Mosiah 2:17). How has serving others help you bear your own challenges and struggles? What opportunities to serve do you have? How does the Spirit guide you in your efforts to serve?

For me, this calling as a missionary has been an incredible instrument to help me look up and outward to others. One of my favorite quotes is "I can't help everyone with everything everywhere but I can help someone with something somewhere." There is a joy that comes from service. I feel that I am more capable now to help others with greater capacity for love and understanding. Newton's Law talks about equal but opposite and we will be restored with equal yet opposite feelings of joy because we have suffered great sorrow.

Ann states service helps her look outward.

Melissa talks about how this particular trial has taught her empathy. Not just for this particular issue, but anyone who is hurting and it has given her the opportunity to offer empathy to others. She also believes coming to the Spouse and Family Support Meeting is an act of service and I totally agree.

Sharing. Valerie talks about people Heavenly Father put into her life. In the dark times, someone would come along to help her turn toward the Savior.

Star shares about her reading on covenants. In a contract, each partner gives 50 percent. In a covenant, partners each give 100 percent. When she got married, she found it wasn't exactly what she wanted or expected and if her marriage had been a contract, it would have been easy to tear up and throw away. However, she was married in the Temple and had made a covenant which creates a deeper bond and commitment.

Melissa said it was difficult to come to meeting tonight, but as soon as she got here, she felt the Spirit and she was so grateful she came. In these meetings, everything is more -- pain, hurt, love, forgiveness and all of it leads to needed healing. The Savior is here and when she doesn't get to come, she yearns to be here. There is such a sisterhood and she feels close to the Savior because He is near and here with us.

We need to build and strengthen our faith. In the song, "As Sisters In Zion," the errand of angels is given to women." Ours is a work of love. We should build our relationships with love and without judgment.

In Numbers 6:24-27, it says: "The Lord bless thee, and keep thee:

"The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

"The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

"And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel; and I will bless them."

I bear testimony if we will do our part to have the Spirit in our home, Heavenly Father will guide us and angels will assist us. Like in 2 Kings Chapter 6 and Elisha is going to battle against a great army. His service said to Elisha, "Alas, my master! how shall we do?" (Vs. 15).

"And he answered, Fear not for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. (Vs. 16).

"And Elisha prayed, and said, 'Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see.' And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." (Vs. 17).

Angels surround us and bear us up when necessary to fight this battle against pornography. We must fight so we will not have anymore "lost" generations to this pernicious evil.

9 -- WE HAVE RENOUNCED DISHONESTY

2016-02-18T09:37:00.000-08:00

9 -- We Have Renounced Dishonesty

Trust. "Addiction thrives in secrecy, and deceit is its lifeblood." (Spouse & Family Support Guide). Our loved ones have lied to us, deceived us, and minimized their behavior so we no longer trust them. When you have lost that trust, it is difficult to not be afraid and worried about our loved one's behavior when we are not around. Distrust creates barriers in our relationship and communication. We find ourselves trying to monitor our loved one's behavior. We may not be able to trust our loved ones, but we can trust the Lord and His protection. Nephi declared, "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever." (2 Nephi 4:34). How will trusting the Lord help you when you struggle to trust your loved one?

The first thing I had to do after finding Marty's addiction was to learn to trust in the Lord again. I had prayed to know if I should marry Marty and I was given a positive answer. After "discovery," I was angry toward the Lord! I wanted to know why I was told to marry him when this was a problem. It took time, but I did learn to trust Him again.

Ann told us she realized she had to do the things she was supposed to do and she know the Lord would take care of her. She did say it was hard not to fall back into her fear, which would trigger distrust all over again.

LaNae gave simple advise -- Stay close to the Spirit.

Becca stated her biggest question was HOW could she trust again. She thought about Peter when he walked on the water during the storm, he was fine until he took his focus off of the Savior. That is when he got into trouble and it was the same for her.

Jillian talked about learning to trust herself. How did she not see this problem? When she did, why didn't she leave? How did it start all over again?

Being Honest With Ourselves and Our Loved Ones. Finding out about this addiction can cause shock and alarm. You ask yourself how long has he deceived me? What else don't I know? Our loved ones are embarrassed and ashamed and may only share a little at a time. It is important for our loved ones to be honest and accountable, full disclosure is a process, "especially where patterns of secrecy and deceit have been in place for long periods of time." (S&FSG).

We may not want to know or are not ready to know all the secret and terrible things our loved ones have done. We may need to know the facts, but all things should be done "in wisdom and order." (Mosiah 4:27). We need to balance the things we need to know and what might further harm us. We may find out things that will hurt us or make us angry, but we should not react in anger or try to shame them. Disclosure is part of recovery and healing, and our loved ones may already be ashamed and hate themselves, which needs to be addressed to continue healing. What level of honesty might you need in order to build a foundation of trust? How will you come to recognize what is important to know and what should be left unsaid?

Valerie talked about this being a trial and error experience and when she did make a mistake, she was grateful the Atonement applied to her, as well as her loved one.

Cheryl talked about needing to know enough to forgive and not to be surprised as things continued to be produced. She likened it to her husband unloading boulders at first and as he became more sensitized and the layers of dishonesty were being stripped away, he started unloading rocks. She needed the boulder and rocks, but she did not need to turn over every pebble. One other thing they did was to add up all the dollars that were spent in his addiction. It helped her husband to see just how much it had cost him, their family, and their business in real numbers. Afterwards, they burned the bank and credit card statements.

Maintaining Regular Communication. Our loved ones may not want to communicate at first about their struggles and we may not want to share with them due to lack of trust. It can be hard, but you can find ways to communicate, especially about your journey toward healing and recovery. It is important for our loved ones to communicate about times they are tempted or have relapsed. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "A husband must have no private, hidden agenda that is kept secret from his wife. Sharing everything about each other's personal life is powerful spiritual insurance." ("The Sanctity of Womanhood," Ensign, May 2000).

We need to find the right balance of what we need to know and what should be left unsaid. "Open and honest communication is the beginning of rebuilding trust." (S&FSG). How has regular, open, and honest communication blessed your relationship with your loved one? In what specific ways can you and your loved one improve your communication?

"The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard." (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, Ensign, May, 1976).

"Patience in communication is that certain ingredient of conduct we hope others exhibit when we fail to measure up." (ibid).

"Be patient, be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity." (D&C 6:19).

Cheryl shared when she found out about all the secrecy in her marriage, she felt so isolated. As they worked on their communication, she realized her husband needed to be able to trust her, as well.

I love the advise of balancing what needs to be shared. I didn't want to know details, initially. I had to work through my anger and my feelings of betrayal before I was healthy enough to hear some of the details.

Rebuilding Trust. Our loved ones need to regain the ability to be honest and trustworthy. We may hear them saying the right things, but observing what they are doing is even more important. Our loved ones may not choose what needs to be done to recover and may fall back into the addiction. In that case, we do not have to extend our trust to them.

Our trust can grow when we see our loved ones drawing nearer to the Spirit and their consistent progress toward recovery. "As they are honest with us about their hard times, we can also begin to believe that they are being honest about their good times." (S&FSG). We need to rely on the Spirit to know when we can begin to trust. This may take time. Our fear and anger may prevent us from extending trust. We can seek His comfort and support as we heal. What role does the enabling power of the Atonement play in rebuilding trust? What are some next steps for you to take in the process of rebuilding trust?

Becca said she was blessed to regain trust fairly quickly. However, when she allowed fear and anger to come back into her life, she would lose ground. She really relied on the Spirit to help her discern truth.

Cheryl commented she learned it is not a sin to be tempted. She also learned our Heavenly Father and the Savior are really the only ones we can completely trust. The natural man has the ability to hurt us with deceit and lies. The enabling power of the Atonement helps our loved ones to bring honesty back into their lives.

About two years after recovery, Marty was still traveling quite a bit and for some reason, I freaked out about this one trip. For several years, I felt as if there was a giant shoe out there that was going to drop and I guess I was afraid this trip would do it. We have always had a partnership with our Bishop and I went to express my concerns. He told me, "Lisa, leave Marty to me and the Lord. Don't worry about him, we will do that. I want you to take these concerns and while you kneel in prayer, envision taking them and placing them at the feet of your Savior. Ask Him to take this from you and He will, I promise." I stand as a witness that He has -- over and over again. I have not had to do this just once but many times as I become prideful and take it all back, but each time, the Savior is there to relieve me of this burden.

One other thing I had to learn was to not react with anger and judgment when Marty came to me to share he was having difficulty. I wanted him to trust me so that we could discover triggers for him and things we could do differently.

Sharing. Cheryl talks about this destructive dance, sort of a cold war she was in with her husband for years. He was hurt by her, she was hurt by him. Her heart would harden against him and they would engage again. She learned to let the Spirit guide her and those experiences are fewer and farther between, until almost completely gone after 10 years. She also said this experience has let her "get deep" with the Savior.

Job 6:25 says "Forcible are right words" shared at the right moment with the right person.

A little trick I heard in a Sunday School class to help not react with anger is to say "I love you" in my mind before I react. You would be surprised how much that can help in almost any situation.

Once again, through this principle, I have learned that the Atonement is all encompassing. Through letting the Atonement work for me, I have healed and I have learned to trust my husband again. In letting the Atonement work him, he has healed from this addiction. Of this, I bear my testimony.

8 -- BE FIRM AND STEADFAST

2016-02-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

8 -- Be Firm and Steadfast

We Can Set Appropriate Limits to Protect Ourselves and Our Families. This is a difficult process because we want to support our loved ones and we wonder will setting boundaries or limits seem supportive or destructive? God's example is to support our loved ones while honoring God's laws and the laws of the land. Elder Russel M. Nelson states, "real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation -- not acquiescence! Real love does not support self-destructing behavior." ("Teach Us Tolerance and Love," Ensign, May 1994). We have a responsibility to set limits, make rules and hold family members accountable for their choices. Not to control, but to help our loved ones stay safe. "Establishing clear limits and consequences may be necessary in order to help our loved ones find recovery and healing." (Spouse & Family Support Guide). So, how can you set limits and also show love? How can limits or consequences help a loved one find recovery and healing?

Melissa had a great example of having to set limits initially on what was appropriate to watch on television because her loved one was so desensitized he did not have the ability to set those limits. We know that a remark can lead to a thought which can lead to an image and then . . . . As her husband healed and the Spirit was with him, he was able to join in those limits that needed to be set.

As women, our natural instinct is to protect our loved ones and ease the consequences of their choices. When we do interfere, we are taking their agency. Our loved ones need to feel the consequences of their actions to motivate them to find healing and recovery.

My husband taught me about this particular difference about threats -- if you do that, I am leaving! and consequences -- if you choose to do this, here are the consequences. When I would threaten him with the idea of leaving or divorce if he relapsed, I was taking his choice away. When given consequences of a relapse, the choice was now his and he was choosing the consequences by choosing the behavior.

Becca stated when consequences or boundaries were set, it can be a turning point for the addict.

Elder Nelson teaches us the difference between tolerate and tolerance. "Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed." (Ibid.)

How to Set Limits or Consequences. "As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord's guidance. There is not one approach that is right for everyone. The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us." (S&FSG) Bringing the Lord into this step of setting limits and/or consequences is key because limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency and inspired by love, not by anger or punishment. They should be clear and concrete involving natural results of actions taken. A great way to start in this particular addiction is to say this home will be free from pornography or "other related negative influences."

Our limits will be challenged so the consequences need to be such that we are willing to carry them out. "The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit." (ibid.) We can check with a trusted advisor which can help us evaluate our thinking and can help us be aware if our motive is not based on true and loving principles. Why might it be hard to set limits? How can you overcome such difficulties? How is a parent's role in setting limits different than a spouse's role?

These questions are so common! I asked myself these questions when told that I should set boundaries and limits. Valerie talks about her journey into limits and boundaries. She stated when she was doing her "dailies," prayer, read and study her scriptures and invite the spirit into these decisions, she was able to set boundaries on things quite naturally. By being closer to her Savior, she realized she did not want to tolerate being talked to in a negative way or want any type of pornography or negative influence in her home. So these boundaries seemed very natural to set so that she could invite the spirit into her home. Valerie just wanted to feel safe and by inviting the spirit into this conversation she was able to set her boundaries with a spirit of love.

The biggest concern for us as wives is we are not their mothers and we don't want to have to act like their mothers. Becca cleared this up for me in the clearest way I have ever heard. She stated when we set limits and boundaries for our children, like don't talk to strangers, don't go into the street, we are doing so for our children's protection. It is our responsibility as parents to do so. When she set boundaries or limits for her husband, it was for her own protection. These were set to help her feel safe. Finally, an explanation that made sense to me. I wish I had understood this much earlier in my journey.

Doing What We Can to Preserve the Relationship. There are times when the pain we feel seems unbearable. There are times when we feel like the only way we can escape is to separate from our loved ones. The Church does ask that we work very hard to preserve the family. We should seek the "Lord's direction and strength to sustain us while we strive to know his will." (ibid.) What can we do to show commitment to our relationships while maintaining clear limits?

Cheryl said that she wanted honesty. When she discovered her husband had an addiction to pornography, she felt the previous nine and a half years were a lie. How many times had he deceived her? Her trust was so damaged and it was a powerful boundary to require honesty. As her husband shared with her in an honest way, it started to remove the shame and the power of the addiction.

I don't have much to say about this particular section because it is so personal and sometimes, the happy ending isn't going to happen.

We Need Not Endure Our Loved Ones' Abusive Behavior. "Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear." ("Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders" [1995]). Addiction itself is a form of abuse. ". . . we know the Lord does not expect or want us to endure abusive behavior. It is important for us to take necessary steps to be safe and to stop the abuse." (S&FSG)

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said, "We know that many of you are innocent victims -- members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it." (Divorce," Ensign or Liahona, May 2008). We may consult Church leaders and others about this decision, "[h]owever, this is a personal decision we make with the Lord's guidance." (S&FSG). How can you appropriately respond to a loved one who repeatedly fails to respect the limits you set?

I have been in the ARP program for almost 11 years and this is the first time divorce has ever been mentioned as an option. One of the blessings this has brought to someone who is struggling with a spouse addicted to pornography is if we choose to fight for our marriage, we can be all in. Before, it felt like maybe you should "endure to the end." Sometimes when you are "enduring" you are not working to save a marriage. This is my own personal opinion about this conversation.

Elder Oaks also says in his talk on divorce to "face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance." This is so true in our situation.

There have been women I know who received the answer to leave their marriage for various reasons. I do not know what they were, I do know, as I said before, sometimes the happy ending is walking away.

Sharing Portion. Melissa started off by saying she has noticed when her husband is doing well, Satan sets his sites on her and he attacks her through her illness. This can bring her into a really dark and depressing place. She has learned to remind herself she has seen light in her life and to remember it is still there. She chooses to believe the light is there and it helps her back to doing better.

Cheryl talked about how she told her husband early in their marriage that infidelity of any type would be grounds for divorce. She wouldn't put up with it and it would be very "easy" for her to walk away. When she found out about this addiction and all it entailed, she had to "pull up that stake" about divorce but it was hard, because she didn't want to appear weak. She had to let go of the idea of divorce, she realized she could stay and fight for her marriage. She wanted to fight! So she is heading in a different direction, but it is the right direction.

In closing, I share with my sisters how amazed I am at their spiritual depth and strength and deep understanding of the Atonement. I spent a lot of years angry and saying this is NOT MY problem, it is HIS and I don't to pray and study about this, HE does. It took so much time for me to see this was incorrect thinking and I wasted so much time.

I do watch Marty and there are things he does which give me comfort he is doing well. I see him praying, studying the scriptures, going to meetings and working the steps. When those things are in place, I know he is strong. Those things were one of my boundaries. Sometimes, I hear wives apologizing for setting limits and boundaries and I think about our Heavenly Father -- He has set limits and boundaries for us -- we are to obey His commandments and honor the covenants we have made with Him through baptism and the Temple. We are doing nothing more than what Heavenly Father has done for us. I have learned so much through this difficult experience. As Dr. Phil says "I wouldn't take a million dollars for the things I have learned, but I wouldn't pay a plug nickel to go through it again."

I bear testimony the Atonement covers all! Let this Atonement work for you. It is there for you, reach out and touch it -- use it -- know it! And remember the scripture that never fails -- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

7 -- In Everything Give Thanks

2016-02-02T17:34:00.004-08:00

If you are curious about how a meeting works, I was involved in the women's meeting for the Spouse and Family Support Group Podcasts, and you can go to ARP.LDS.ORG and select Spouse and Family, select a Principle and then scroll to the bottom and click on Podcast. Make sure you click on Women's Meeting. That is the PASG side of this program.

Principle 7 -- In Everything Give Thanks

Overcoming Discouragement, Fear, and Anger. I love this principle. We all know that life doesn't turn out exactly the way we plan or even sometimes the way we would like it to be. Oftentimes, this can lead us to self-criticism and finding fault with others. The more we focus on negative thoughts and emotions, the stronger they become "until they begin to dominate our thoughts, diminishing our ability to feel the Spirit and find happiness." (Spouse and Family Support Guide) One way to counter this is to think about and acknowledge gratitude in the ways we are blessed. So, how can we acknowledge our difficulties without being consumed by them?

Melissa stated when she is fearful or full of doubt, Satan really takes hold and can really cause her to cycle down. One of the things she has learned to do is to create affirmations. One of her affirmations is to sing the hymn "The Lord is my Light," which is all about overcoming fear. The other is Helaman 5:12: "And now, my [daughter], remember, remember, that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build, they cannot fail."

Another sister, Cheryl said that she would think how she had lived her life righteously and trying to make the right decisions and her husband, as it turned out, had not. It bred resentment in her towards her Heavenly Father and when you are in that place, you cannot see the blessings you are receiving. Her thoughts then turned to Jesus Christ, the only perfect man to have walked this Earth, and He was someone who did not deserve all that happened to Him, and yet He endured and it helped her put her experience in perspective.

Becca talked about how a support person was very important to her because you CAN get stuck in the negativity and someone outside yourself can help you see that or offer a listening ear so that you can verbalize those negative thoughts and get rid of them.

It is also important to acknowledge that feeling these ways are valid and important to go through for healing but do not stay stuck in them.

One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Thessalonians 5:18: "In every thing give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." The hook in that scripture is EVERY thing. We need to learn to be grateful for the valleys, as well as the peaks. As someone who struggles with depression, this seemed laughable; however, I have tried it a few times, and it seems to help me move through those feelings.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counsels, "It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way. But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach?

"Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situations? . . . we focus on being thankful in our circumstances -- whatever they may be." ("Grateful in Any Circumstance," Ensign or Liahona, May 2014, 70, 75-77).

Acknowledging the Hand of God in our Lives. It can be a struggle to see our blessings amid our challenges. President Henry B. Eyring counsels: "The key . . . is receiving the Holy Ghost as a companion. It is the Holy Ghost who helps us see what God has done for us. It is the Holy Ghost who can help [us] see what God has done. . . . Tonight and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need him." ("O, Remember, Remember," Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2007, 68).

There are many tender mercies in our lives that may come in ways that are not readily identified, but as we stretch our minds and thoughts to recognize these blessings, we may be able to more readily identify blessings. Gratitude can change our hearts. How have you seen the hand of God in your life? What helps you recognize the hand of God in your life?

President Thomas S. Monson states, "When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given. ("The Divine Gift of Gratitude," Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 87-90).

If you have an attitude of gratitude it can help you develop the ability to see God's hand in your life.

I love this analogy: You are at a base camp in the mountains and you want to hike to a large boulder higher up. You have hiked for over an hour and the boulder does not appear to be any closer. You start to think you aren't making any progress; however, if you will stop where you are and turn around and look back to where your camp is, you can see you have made tremendous progress. That is how this trial can seem. You may feel you have not started to heal at all, but if you can look at where you were when it began, you will see the progress you have made.

Marty and I have done presentations to church groups for about 8 years now about this experience. He shares his story of addiction and recovery and then I share the wife's experience with this addiction. When we started, my talk was full of the pain and betrayal, my feelings of anger and disappointment in Marty and my marriage. I have noticed in the last year or so, my desire to share that part of my experience, while necessary, is not the be all end all of my talk. I shift my thoughts and feelings and experience to the healing part of my life and this new program of principles and hope.

Recognizing our own Gifts and Talents. We all have some gifts and talents. Some we are aware of and some yet to be discovered. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught, "You may think you don't have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us." ("Happiness, Your Heritage," Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2008, 119). It takes time to discover and improve upon those gifts we have received. What are some of your gifts and talents? How does your patriarchal blessing help you identify your individual gifts and talents?

Becca wondered how this applied to this experience and she said the last sentence in this section ". . . but all of us have much to contribute through our God-given abilities", made her evaluate and see that is true. She discovered she had grown and discovered spiritual gifts she had not fine tuned, or even accessed, but through this experience she now recognizes and uses those gifts.

Melissa loves to write. During her dark times, Satan would convince her she didn't have time to write. She did write and it felt wonderful to do something that brought her such joy and was hers alone, apart from this addiction. So she found joy through her talents even through difficult times.

I remember when I discovered this and I was seeing an LDS Family Services Therapist, whom I love and still see occasionally to this day, and I told her I was not going to go through all of this and not have it mean something. Over ten years ago, we didn't talk about pornography in the Church and I vowed I would help to bring this to the front burner of "every ward." I didn't do that, but I do believe I have been blessed with the ability for public speaking, sharing our story and loving as I serve.

Cheryl talked about reading her Patriarchal Blessing and being reminded she had attained goals, seperate and apart from her husband. It reminded her she needed to set new goals for herself.

Finding the Good that Exists in our Loved Ones. In addition to seeking our gifts, it is important we recognize the gifts in our struggling loved one. The things we focus on can largely determine how we feel about our loved ones. It helps in all ways to see the potential in people, even those who have hurt us. What helps you see the good in your loved one? What difference does looking for the good make in your relationships?

I have heard from several women that when they found out about this addiction or that it has returned, they have been blessed with an overwhelming feeling of love that wasn't from them but from their Savior, Jesus Christ. This love reminded them their loved one is a child of God. If we can see and share with them the good things we see them being or doing, that positive view can give them hope and remind them of their divine nature.

Expressing Gratitude for the Savior and the Atonement. The Savior is with us in good and bad times. Isaiah 12:2, "God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation." Another prophet from the Book of Mormon, Ammon states: "Behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold . . . we will praise his name forever." (Alma 26:11-12) "Our gratitude for the Savior inspires us to be a little better, love a little more, and become more like Christ." (S&FSG) How do you feel about the Savior? How has His Atonement blessed you?

Cheryl shared she had lost a brother and with this loss, she just HAD to believe in the Savior and the enabling power of the Atonement, to just get through that experience. Her husband was spiritually dead, lost and so far gone. "The Savior brought him back to me!" The Savior had overcome both physical and spiritual death and this gave her the courage to continue this journey with her husband.

Becca shared 2 Nephi 27:23, "For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith." She bore testimony He is, indeed, a God of miracles.

Another sister stated the Atonement is infinite, real and present.

We know this life is for us to learn and grow and to make mistakes. The Savior's Atonement makes this journey safe.

Most times, in the sharing portion of this principle, the women are moved to bare testimony of the Savior and the Atonement and it is an incredible spiritual and healing experience.

In closing, I want to share two quotes from President Uchtdorf's talk:

"True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will." (ibid.) This statement pierced my heart. I have had the experience of finding Marty had a pornography addiction and I also have had the experience of having a son who has made choices that differ from what I would have wanted him to choose. Through those experiences, I have come to know these two men are beloved and blessed sons of God and I trust someday I will understand.

In January of last year, we lost our grandson, Owen Jason Day, after only 36 hours. That was greater pain than anything I had experienced before. Through all three of these experiences, I leaned on the enabling power of the Atonement. President Uchtdorf tells us, " . . . the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy, 'good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.'" (ibid.)

Gratitude does make a difference. As I walked through these trials, I have often felt my Savior's arms wrapped around me, carrying me and giving me strength. Of this, I bear testimony.

6 -- Bear One Another's Burdens

2016-01-29T10:31:00.002-08:00

This week in our meeting we covered Principle 6 Bear One Another's Burdens.

As a wife of a man who is struggling with pornography or is in a full fledged addiction to pornography, this can be so devestating and personal. There is a lot of shame associated with this addiction and its not something you want to share with everyone. You might worry that people will judge your husband and then, by association, you.

Melissa stated that she needed someone to understand and the meetings are where she found that support. One of the things that I had noted in my book is ASK!!! It takes a lot of courage to share and ask for support so when you feel that prompting -- Do it!

We are cautioned to seek the right support. Questions to be asked -- will this person support me, will they keep it confidential and also be non-judgmental, are they mature enough to handle this information? Getting bad advice can cause you to stop seeking support.

We can go to our family, friends, Bishops, mentors, support groups or professional therapists. It is important to remember, particularly with the lay people, they may not have any knowledge or understanding of what this addiction is about and you may need to help them learn.

A lot of times, our addicted loved ones cannot be there for us, because they are unequipped to handle their own feelings, let alone taking care of us.

When I found out about Marty's addiction, I'm not going to lie -- a part of me died. My trust in our marriage, my self confidence, self-worth. I didn't feel valued, loved, or appreciated by my husband. What struck me is the person I should count on to be there for me, to stand between me and the world, was Marty and he couldn't be that person for me. It was disappointing and heart wrenching. I needed to get over my pride and shame, so that I could ask for help from my family and my Bishop.

This Principle reminded me of Step 2 in the ARP 12 Step manual is Hope. We need to hang onto hope to help us remember that this is not the end. Someone can recover from this addiction. Step 6 refers to a new heart being placed within you and your loved one.

Our son left on his mission a couple of months before Discovery. When he came home two years later, Marty had been in this program for a year and a half and Matt said he came home to a completely different dad and a more peaceful and happy home. I do believe that I received a new heart once I was able to get over my anger and regain hope for Marty, myself and our marriage.

All of this in covered by the enabling power of the Atonement. We cannot repay our Savior for all the Atonement encompasses but what can do is -- live a good life, share this experience and love with others who find themselves ensnared in this addiction.

"To whom do we look, in days of grief and disaster, for help and consolation? . . . They are men and women who have suffered, and out of their experience in suffering they bring forth the riches of their sympathy and condolences as a blessing to those now in need. Could they do this had they not suffered themselves?" Elder Orson F. Whitney

Next week -- Principle 7 -- In Everything Give Thanks

Addiction Recovery Program Spouse and Family Support

2016-01-27T16:00:00.002-08:00

I have the privilege to be a missionary for the Spouse and Family Support Group for PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group).

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has provided a fairly new program to replace the ARP 12 Step Program for the wives of men struggling with pornography. I love this new program and I have been through them all. We now have 12 Principles that are amazing and empowering and freeing.

I am going to blog about these Principles over the next 12 weeks. However, I am starting on Principle 6, which is the Principle we are doing this week so that I can be fresh in my thoughts. Next week, I will do 7 and so on until we come back around to Principle 5.

I will share my thoughts and feelings and breakthroughs, as well as the sisters that I work with, while not using their real names to protect their anonymity.

So buckle up and come with me on a journey that can start your own healing in the face of a loved one's addiction.

Chocolate Pecan Pie

2016-01-18T19:32:00.002-08:00

2 eggs (beaten until foamy)
3/4 c sugar
3/4 c brown sugar
3/4 c flour
1 t vanilla

Mix together until creamy

Add 1 c butter (melted -- cooled)
1 c chocolate chips (I do more than a cup for my kids cuz they love chocolate)
1 c pecans (I do more than a cup for me cuz I love pecans

Mix and pour into pie crust.
Cook for 1 hour at 325 degrees.
Serve with whip cream or ice cream

Nic's January Box -- Hot Stuff for Hot Stuff

2016-01-18T19:28:00.003-08:00

New Start

2016-01-18T18:01:00.003-08:00

I can't believe that I went the entire year of 2015 without blogging at all.

In September of 2015, I started to think about trying to get off of all my anxiety and depression medicine. I was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse and she told me she thought almost 60% of my symptoms were side effects of the drugs I was taking. I was on the highest dose of Neurontin and I took Xanax and Ambien. I couldn't remember simple things and my temper was crazy when I actually felt something. I had been on some type of anxiety and depression medicine for ten years. I didn't like to leave my home and I never did things with family or friends.

When I heard symptoms could be side effects, I got real serious about getting off those medications. First I talked with my kids and asked them their thoughts. Overall, they were positive. I told them I would still have anxiety and depression but Matthew said, "Yeah, but we will have our Mom back." I went to see my psychiatrist and I told her what I was thinking. She said, "You are serious?" I said, "yes, I think so." Then she asked me if I could go into LDS Hospital that very day. "Strike while the iron was hot." I hesitated for about a minute, but I knew it was the right thing to do, so I said, "Yes!" She called and then walked me over and they admitted me to the detox unit. I was in for one week.

I went to a couple of Addiction Recovery Meetings after being released from the hospital because I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to function and REALLY give these drugs up. I have been clean and sober from those meds for over 17 weeks.

My memory is back! I still can get pissed off, but not way out of control. I used to pick the bottom of my feet raw thinking it was anxiety and I don't do that anymore. Side effect? My kids have said that they have their old Mom back. Marty feels he has his old Wife back and my best friend, Jana, said "I have my old friend back. Lisa is back!"

Matthew came home from his mission to a completely changed dad and home because we had identified the addiction to pornography and Marty had been almost two years sober.

Nicholas lived his entire jr. high and high school life with a mom suffering deeply from depression and anxiety and moreover, a mom that was checked out because of the drugs I was taking. My goal is for Nic to come back to a completely different, healthy mom.

Getting off these meds has helped me confront my diabetes and I am working hard to control that disease. I still get very anxious, but I am able to head it off most times with breathing and prayer. I still feel depression but it is not all consuming and I don't think of self harm. I am still taking a much lower dose of an anti-depressant and I hope to wean off that medication in the next couple of months.

My thing is that I don't like to feel feelings! I have had a couple of times that I looked at Marty and said -- go get the Xanax! I don't want to feel. He encouraged me to go without and while it has been really difficult and I would have given my right arm for a Xanax, I made it. He promises me that it will get easier over time.

I'm not perfect and there is a lot of work to do, but my mind is clear and I know this was a New Start I needed.

HUGE Fan of Fight the New Drug

2014-08-01T11:11:00.005-07:00

So I used to be part of the population that thought porn users were just loser guys in their mom's basements or creepy guys under the viaduct. After 22 year of marriage, I found out my husband was one of these guys? A loser? A creep? What about the great guy that made me laugh or the man that I had shared a marriage bed with for the last 22 years? There were hints -- anger, distance, etc. I did have to beg the kids to clean up so "dad won't be mad" when he walks in the door.

Finally I had to face it head on. My husband was addicted to pornography and it was destroying our family from the inside out. First him, then our relationship and finally, his kids and how they saw their dad.

Marty has now been sober for 9 years and our family is healing and becoming stronger eveyrday. During this fight, I discovered Fight the New Drug. I couldn't believe that there was an organization that was reaching out to the kids and making this a conversation that they were not only willing to have, but to bring it back into their homes and open a conversation with their parents. I felt such relief to know that our kids were going to hafe not only a safe, but awesome way to leanr about this awful addiction.

I have an 18 year old that has learned more than he wants about this addiction and I think my voice became like the teacher in Charlie Brown "Waaah waaah waaah wah!" Fight the New Drug comes along and he is fired up -- has a sweatshirt, a wristband - Become a fighter, and a t-shirt "Porn Kills Love." We have that poster right about our computer and two Fight the New Drug stickers on his car.

Young voices who are passionate, knowledgeable and "cool." A way for parents to still educate their kids and TRUST what is said is huge. Once I found FTND, I was cool. I could even talk to his friends and not have him flip on me.

So, if you haven't gone to their website -- you really should. We are in a war against pornography -- are you going to give it any casualties? Not me. Check it out FighttheNewDrug.com. They ROCK! Wait, is that a cool tagline?

A Goal Finally Reached

2014-01-12T10:06:00.002-08:00

In 2011 I felt compelled to write mine and Marty's story through his pornography addiction. For me, it was very therapeutic to get those thoughts and feelings into a story. I had journaled during that time and kept those entries in my "Ugly Book." It was black notebook that had been torn in half, with way too many swear words, tears, etc. and I carried that thing around for seven years. Even after I had completed After the Tears, I kept the book until late in 2012 when I took our dutch oven pan and I burned that book and with the burning I felt additional peace. It was done. Not the journey, because this will be with us our whole lives, but the pain and healing that I needed was done.

I will say that this book is brutally honest, raw and uncomfortable at times to read in way that I had wished I could find in those first days of discovery. I needed to know my feelings were legitimate and my anger was not misplaced. I also could not have read a "novel," I needed short and sweet.

Donna Jones, who used to oversee the ARP missionaries in Davis County with her husband, told me that she wished she could hand a copy of my book to every Bishop so they could understand the wives' side of this addiction.

My therapist told me to not change one thing if a publishing company wanted to tone it down. She agreed that the rawness needed to be there to be helpful.

I can't figure out how to copy the link, so I know you can find it on Amazon under books and kindle with my name as Elizabeth O. Haws or the title After the Tears: A Wife's Journey Through A Pornography Addiction.

People might be sick of seeing this being promoted, but this will be it, I promise. Thanks for reading!

My Son's Right to Marry

2014-01-03T11:49:00.002-08:00

I have taken my time in posting this particular post because I am going to probably step on peoples' toes, but I started this blog to share about subjects that might make us uncomfortable. I have been open about my suffering from a mental illness, suicide attempts, in-laws, politics in church agencies, and having a gay child.

I want to share my thoughts as an LDS mother of a gay son. One thing I want to clarify is that my son is gay, he is not confused about his gender. He knows he was and should be a man; however, he is attracted to men. Sometimes members of the Church get confused that being a gay man means you wish you were a woman. That is not the case.

The next thing I want to clarify is that I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am a member in good standing of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I do not believe that the Church should or will change their standing on marriage and the Temple should not nor will it seal gay couples.

I will admit that I was happy when the decision came down that gay couples could be married in Utah. My son, Matt, and his partner, Trent, have been together for 4 1/2 years and for all intents and purposes, are a married couple. I agree with Dr. William Bradshaw, a former professor at BYU and a former mission president, that my son and Trent being married and monogamous and good men who are contributors to society does not harm the institution of marriage.

I have told Matthew that I wish this could all be done by voter initiative, not by judicial action. I believe that if voters have made their decision, that should not be overturned by a court. I have also told him that I believe it would be less controversial and that times are changing and gay marriage could be accepted in more States within the next ten years or so. Matt's argument is that it should not be a question, it should and is a right, period.

To wrap up -- I was not surprised at Utah's appeal. I do, however, wish that my son, Matt, and the person he loves could marry. This may sound contradictory to a lot people, but I have a new outlook on this subject because I have a gay son and know how much he wants to be married.

Pride Parade SLC

2013-06-06T08:05:00.002-07:00

After I watched the movie "Tears for Bobby" I was deeply moved. I was that mother. If I prayed hard enough, if he would just do what he knew was right, he just needed to date more girls, etc. and he could be fixed. When I finished the movie I immediately called Matt and said "please tell me I didn't make you feel less than you are! Please tell me I didn't say that you were a disappointment to me!" Later in our conversation I mentioned the final scene where the mother is marching in the Pride parade and she sees a boy that reminds her of her son and she goes to him and hugs him. I told Matt that I could be the first to hug a person and let them they are not a mistake but that I didn't think I could ever walk in a Pride Parade.

On Sunday, it seemed the most natural thing to get up and walk. I wasn't being political I was sharing the fact that I love my son, Matt and I am proud of his living an authentic and loving life with Trent.

Along the route, I couldn't believe how emotional it was for me. To hear people say thank you for loving my son. There was one young person who had a shirt that said "Born this Way" and was wrapped in a rainbow flag. I walked over and said that it taken a little but I believe the shirt to be true. This child wrapped their arms around me sobbing and saying thank you.

I will forever be changed by this. Some may hope that means my beliefs, nope, if anything, my faith is stronger. My Heavenly Father loves my Matt more than I can even comprehend and he did not create a mistake. Someday I will understand all of this. In the meantime, I stand ready to put my arms around any young person wondering if they are a mistake and assuring them they are loved.

I love my Matt! He has been a joy to raise and I am so proud of the man he is and of his family which includes my Trent. Love you all.

The Boys of Fall Video of Nic's Football

2012-09-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

Reflections of a 50 year old

2012-03-30T09:10:00.001-07:00

I decided to reflect on the past five decades in the month of my 50th birthday.

I was born in 1962 but I don't remember much of the 1960's. I do remember watching the moon landing and Robert Kennedy's funeral. I started school in the '60's. I remember going to the tennis courts with my sisters to watch them play and be the ball girl. I would wait until a miss and then ask "do I get the ball?" and they would say, "yeah, Lis." Their friends all called me "yeah Lis." I got to play the dummy hand in Rook all the time. I would sometimes round the table and look at their hands and say, "hey, hey hey!" if they had a rook. I also remember my brother getting me to say "I ain't no lady!" in a crazy voice. I know that I had good friends named Merry, Trudy and Kim. I have stayed friends with Kim my entire life. As a matter of fact, she is coming to Utah this next week and we are going to see each other after probably 15 or 16 years. Another memory I have is of a dairy owned by the Hernandez family. They had a purple cow out in front of it. I loved going there and they would let me ring things up for them. It was always so fun. In that decade, our family was involved in building the church building on Ross Avenue and I remember the old one and helping clean it out to move into the new building. In the 1970's Elder Bruce R. McConkie came to dedicate the new building. They don't do that anymore.

The 1970's were my decade. I remember doing the Presidential Award contest each year and earning that top award. I played softball for the first time in the 4th or 5th grade and we were the Roadrunners and had white shirts, pink shorts and pink socks. I loved going to Dairy Queen after a win. We had a lot of those because we had a very good team. I played softball through my senior year. I would go to the tennis courts with my brother, David, and play in the early 70's. He had much faith in my tennis ability. I did play a couple of years in high school. Our church always had a barbecue every year and I would practice in the mirror how to sell tickets to my neighbors. It wasn't hard to sell tickets because the food was amazing and there were always things to buy at the bazaar, liked baked goods and homemade items. My mom was famous for her homemade bread. Monday afternoons were my favorite day to come home because that was her bread making day and she always had a slice waiting for us. I went to Washington D.C. with my MGM (Mentally Gifted Minors) class (so politically incorrect nowadays, but my brothers and sisters called it Mothers Greatest Mistake). LOL! I got sick and missed seeing Arlington National Cemetary (which I had written a research report about) and Washington Cathedral. Had a huge crush on a guy named Manual Aguilar from the 7th grade through my Jr. year when I finally met him in person at his little sister's 15th birthday party and well, misbehaved a little with him. Let's just say, I lived out my dreams that night (which all in all, were pretty innocent). I went to Girls' Camp, Youth Conferences and Priest Laurel Conferences. I remember Kim and I and a couple of other kids were in charge of a Priest Laurel Conference that was held at IVC our Senior year? So fun. I was Mary Poppins in the Suisin County Summer Play the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years. That was an amazing experience. Loved my high school years -- they were great! Good Friends, lots of fun and great memories. My kids are always so surprised to hear that I graduated high school in 1980. It throws them off because I tell them I grew up in the 1970's -- with Disco and shiny clothes and the Commodores, Earth Wind & Fire, Lynard Skynard, Led Zeplin, Heart, Abba. Oh I could go on. They completely didn't believe that I was in the rock band for the school. Yep, I sang pop, jazz, country, rock it was a blast.

The 1980's, I graduated high school and I left El Centro a week after graduation to go to BYU. My parents sold their home in El Centro and moved to Ogden, Utah. I think I have always regretted not being able to "go home" to El Centro. I dream about it often and Marty and I are always buying our old house there. I met Marty June 9, 1982 and we got married February 11, 1983. We had Andrea February 5, 1984. Marty went into the Army and was away in New Jersey, San Antonio and Colorado from September 1985 to April 1986. We had Matt May 1, 1986. We bought and built our first home in 1988.

In December of 1990, Marty was called up during Desert Storm to Germany and returned home in April, 1991. We had Rachael on June 3, 1991. Yep, he missed two of my pregnancies. We were busy raising our kids in the '90's and completed our family with Nic on August 2, 1995. Marty changed jobs in 1998 and went into medical sales. I worked throughout the 1980's and 1990's but after Nic, I got a job that let me work from home and take the kids with me running a recreation program as the girls' director. It was fun.

Farmington and Marty has gone back to scrubbing in the OR after leaving sales in 2010. Andrea is married and living her life. Matt is settled in with his partner, Trent, and they are living a good life. Rachael is in Paul Mitchell the School becoming a stylist and Nic is a sophomore in high school. The last five years have not been fun, but we have learned and grown from our experiences.

I have seen a lot in my life. My parents are both gone and three of kids are grown. Marty and I are looking forward to lots of fun with Nic and hopefully, lots of missions when we are older. Life is good. Its not easy, but it is all worth it.

Follow up

2012-03-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

A better title for this would have been "Dreams Changed." I am always brutally honest in my writings and this one hit my son, Matt, a little hard. We had a long talk and he understands me a little better and I understand what he is saying, as well.

One thing I didn't make as clear as I should have is that I do love Trent. Whenever I am with him, he makes me smile. He makes my son very happy and I see it. As hard as this has been for Marty, he really appreciates Trent for this, as well. He talks about when they are together, you see that they are very happy and while he still struggles, he is growing to love Trent, too.

My intention with the previous post is to put the truth out there that this is a hard thing, but we have learned and adjusted and appreciate what we are as a family now and that includes Trent. My intention is to let people know that as an LDS parent of a gay child, you can love your child and love who is in his life and still maintain your beliefs. You do not have to throw the child out to prove you are a worthy member of the LDS Church nor do you have to abandon your beliefs to love your child. That is exactly opposite of what our Heavenly Father and the Savior would want and the leadership of the Church does NOT want families to disintegrate over this issue.

My dreams are different for Matt now and I will not apologize for saying so, but I do have dreams for him and Trent and they are hopeful.

Dreams Removed

2012-03-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

Saturday night Marty and I attended a reception for one of Matt's very good friends, Conrad. Early in the day, a lot of Matt's friends were at the wedding in the temple, but Matt was not there. He was thought of and missed.

I haven't even shared this with Matt because I know he doesn't want me to hurt, but again, writing helps me sort through my feelings. Matt was up visiting during the day and I knew he was nervous about attending this reception because it would be the first time he has been with a lot of those high school friends since "coming out." I love Matt's friends and, especially Conrad. He will always be special to me because he took the time to visit me when Matt was on his mission and it was like hugging Matt when I missed him so much. Marty and I wanted to attend the reception and be with Matt with our heads up and proud to be his parents and support him and Trent.

We saw his good friend, Mariti (sp?) and her husband first and it was great. Matt and Trent drove into the parking lot and she went out to get Matt and walk in with him. We had blast getting to hang out with the youngins. We went through the line and Conrad and his bride looked so fresh and happy! I turned back to look at Matt as he greeted them and introduced Trent as his partner. That moment is frozen in my mind realizing that a dream that I had for Matt of standing in line with his beautiful bride fresh from a temple marriage was exploding right before my eyes.

I know he didn't feel the same way then, but anyone who believes that he would "choose" that moment over what his good friend was experiencing does not understand. Matthew had the same dream I had for most of his life and he worked very hard doing everything he was "supposed to do" until he reached the point of involving someone else in the decision that he might hurt and it was at then he "chose" his path. The angst that he felt cannot be measured and it hurts my heart that my child has that pain.

My dreams for him are different now. I know that he is happy in his life and that he loves Trent. For now, I am content and ever hopeful.

Grey's Anatomy Cast - Chasing Cars

2012-01-29T13:50:00.000-08:00

Outside looking in

2012-01-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am here, yet feel as
if I am a spectator.
People greet me with
smiling faces
but return to the familiar
places.

After the greeting
I stand
awkwardly and alone.

Laughter and friendships
surround me
yet I stand
outside and cold.

There is no familiar for me.
Only empty smiles and
greetings.
I long for friendships
but I don't know
how to reach and be
that familiar person.

I know people will
be surprised
that I feel this
alone.
Its hard to let go
of what is comfortable.

Stretch and I too
will try.

Update

2012-01-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

I have had a couple of days since Monday, Family Secret 2, and a visit to my internist and my psychiatrist. They both said I have to get my sugars under control which I have been working on and my psychiatrist, of course, gave me new meds. However, it seems to be helping a little. If I can just not fight with my son, then it works pretty well.

I hate end of term. It is so high pressure for kids and is made worse if they have played around and not worked hard throughout the term. Yep, that's us. All of my kids, except Matt, have done this, but they come by it honorably because I was and am exactly the same way. Give me a deadline and I can work and work hard.

I still have to bounce my legs when I sit, and try to concentrate on breathing, but I have not been in the fetal position yet again. That's good, right?

Funny note: Ever since I compared the cat and dog, Lacy sits on my lab 24/7 if I would let her as if to say: "Oh yeah, I am just as good as that ole' cat."

Thank you, everyone, who responded to my last blog either by FB, phone or in person. It is heart warming to feel of your love and support. In some cases, I have been told their story and how they came through. Thank you for your generosity of spirit.

Family Secret, Part 2 . . .

2012-01-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here today counting the hours until I have someone coming home. Nic will be here in just about 2 and 1/2 hours. I think I can make it. I have made dinner in the crock pot, put dessert in the fridge, taken the dog out numerous times, as well as three walks, paced the floors, done laundry, paced some more, breathed deeply again and again (just trying to take a deep breath is almost impossible), and still found myself curled up on the couch in the fetal position willing myself to hang on. My heart has been praying all day and I still can't take a breath.

I used to think at the beginning of each year, I want to lose weight and get into shape. Now, I think I want to breathe without pain. I want a day without pure and total terror -- panic. I miss my cat. I love my dog, but she doesn't have the same comforting way about her. I used to be able to pull my Cheeto on my lap and could physically feel my blood pressure go down and I could breathe again.

I don't want to freak anyone out -- I'm okay. I'm not going to hurt myself. I don't think I could hurt anymore than I am right now. I will be here today and the next day and the next . . . Pardon me if sometimes that sounds insurmountable.

I love my family. They try so hard to understand and be helpful. I wish I knew what to tell them, you know, how they could help me but I don't know myself. I can't even help myself.

I'll just keep praying and breathing and soon my sweet son and husband will be home. That will help. This blog helps -- writing what I feel, getting some of the poisonous thoughts and feelings out, helps.

Wow, right now I can breathe . . .

More Warriors in the Fight

2011-12-15T16:12:00.000-08:00

With no longer being a missionary in the Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG), I have had to look around for ways to stay busy and active and involved. I am so PSYCHED about these two websites that are new to me -- Beauty Redefined (you are capable of being more than looked at) for young woman. Identical twins who are teaching young girls and women what beauty really can be.

http://www.beautyredefined.net/about-2/

And then the second organization if "Fight the New Drug." College guys who have put together a program for more the jr. high, high school and college age. Great website. www.fightthenewdrug.org

This is a huge battle and the more people we have fighting it individually and as a group will make the difference.

Also, don't forget Women for Decency.

Woot! Woot!