You joined us on the eve of February 1st 2002.

We greeted you with great expectations.  We celebrated your arrival surrounded by your aunties and grandparents.  Feelings of joy mixed with exhaustion flooded my senses as I watched your father gaze down upon you.

That evening, in the quiet of the hospital, after everyone had gone home, your father slept in the bed while I rocked you in my arms.  I whispered stories of love in your tiny little ears of what I believed our life would be together.  In that moment, I had no idea how powerful a teacher you would be in my life.

Very early on, I knew you were a very special child.  The neurologist diagnosed you with autism at 2 ½ years.  I sat in his office feeling as though the air had been sucked out of the room.  And there you stood, watching the birds fly, banging your hands on the window just as you did moments before, completely unaffected by the label.

Nothing changed and everything changed.

I swam in the depths of sadness and grief for quite some time.  At times I felt like I was drowning, pinned down by the force of crashing waves, over and over again.  I fought the waves, struggled to breathe, so full of fear.

You waited for me, standing on the sand, gazing up at the stars, birds flying above, watching the whales and dolphins play; your faith in me never waivered.

You patiently guided me to find my way back home to love.

A beautiful, pure love swirls around you and engulfs anyone that comes within your realm of being.  You touch lives with the simplest of interactions.  At the grocery story, the park, Costco and walking down the street.  Anyone who takes the time to connect with you experiences the joy of wordlessness and is forever changed by your love and sensitivity.  You teach each person what it means to truly connect from a place of love and peace.

I believe you showed up in this world as a profound teacher. Oh how the lessons have come fast and furiously.  Feels like a space shuttle burning up through the atmosphere, thoughts surfacing and burning up with a greater awareness.

You’ve taught me love blows fear to pieces.

I’m deeply grateful you chose me as your mother and continue to teach me to listen and lead from the place of peace and clarity.  I support your journey every day with love and renewed hope for a day when autism will no longer be a painful struggle for so many.

Whenever I feel a bit stressed or out of sorts, all I need to do is take a few deep breaths, get present and share a moment with you.  You show me the way back to love.

Happy Birthday dear sweet Ian.

Love.

This meant I had a weekend alone with sweet Ian.

Since Ian does not use verbal language, it also meant great opportunities to drop into wordlessness and tune into his non-verbal communication.

Ian and I spent the early part of the morning in a peaceful state of wordlessness. Moving about the house in our routine, eating breakfast, playing, and relaxing.

Then he wanted to go outside.

No doubt, to jump on his beloved trampoline.  I checked the temperature – 45 degrees; too cold for this Californian girl. I helped him outside and onto the trampoline and expressed I wasn’t interested in jumping in the cold and asked him to let me know when he was done.

Often, he does this thing to lure you out to jump with him.  He’ll come to the edge as if he’s ready to get off and the moment you come outside, he drops back in, gives a certain look and makes a sound to invite you to join. He’s trained many of us this way.

As I walked back to the door though he gave me different look.  “Something” told me to stand at the open door. He wasn’t inviting me to jump. It felt like he was asking me to watch.  So, I stood there and he started to jump and squeal with delight.

I gasped!  He did a trick!  He wanted to show me something he’d learned. He dropped to his knees and tried to bounce back up on his feet.  I’d never seen him do this before.  His brother and cousin were doing it the other day.  Well, his cousin was TRYING to do it in his adorable almost-2-year-old way.  (Here’s a video of the three of them jumping together.)

Ian wanted to show me how he could do it too.

He was so proud of himself and happy to share it with me.  As soon as he showed me, he promptly moved to the edge of the trampoline and asked to get out – in the beautiful, clear non-verbal way that he does.

Had I not allowed myself to enter a state of stillness and tune into what he was asking I would have missed it completely. Throughout the weekend, I moved in and out of stillness and each time I returned to stillness, Ian rewarded me with his presence.

My favorite moment happened Sunday morning.

Normally he wakes up and wanders into my room, often with a detour to the bathroom to turn the water faucet on and off several times. He loves to hear running water. Then his sweet feet pad down the hall and down stairs to start his day with his brother.

On Sunday though, he walked straight down the hall to the edge of my bed and climbed in all on his own. We lay there for another blissful thirty minutes snuggling and dozing before he decided it was time to start the day.

How to reach a state of internal stillness?

Here are some simple steps you may explore.

1. Remove distractions that will pull you out of the present moment.
2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” with the intention to notice any physical sensations or tension in your body.
3. What do you notice about your breathing? Is it shallow and fast or deep and relaxed? Then take a few moments to take three deep breaths all the way into your belly.
5. Focus on your five senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) and one at a time, see what you notice.
6. Lastly, bring your awareness to your hands. See if you feel the pulse of your blood moving in and out of your hands with each beat of your heart.

You’ll find an excellent compilation of how to’s (plus so much more) in Martha Beck’s latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. It includes simple yet powerful exercises to help you reach a state of stillness, peace and wordlessness. I highly recommend it.

The more you practice, the easier you’ll find your way back to a state of stillness and peace. Feel free to reach out to connect via email if you have questions regarding the suggested steps listed above.

I’ve love to hear about your personal experience with stillness. Please share in the comments below.

Peace.

The other feels open, powerful, relaxed, right on time, expansive, connected, clear, in flow.

One paralyzes creativity; the other expands creativity beyond all boundaries.

One follows what others do, the other follows inspired action.

Ready to step into your power and heal your world?

Leading with love starts by leading from the inside out.  You are the only one blocking your view.

I choose love.  Which do you choose?

After dinner one night last week, Ian and I sat on the couch while Lowell and Lane constructed paper airplanes.  Lane launched his across the room. Ian showed mild interest.  Then Lowell launched his and it flew straight over Ian’s head.  That’s when Ian squealed with delight.

Lowell and Lane quickly lined up on the other side of the room and launched their planes again. Ian giggled and watched as they glided overhead.

Then something quite special happened.  As Lowell and Lane stood ready to launch, Ian made a sound that translated to “Do it again!”  In Ian’s language, this sounds like “Aaaaa”  The three of us looked at each other wide-eyed, full of excitement. Then off launched the planes!

Ian made the connection that when he vocalized his request, Lane and Lowell would respond by launching their planes. In that moment, with Ian leading the game, it felt like we’d crossed a bridge together, as a family, playing this simple paper airplane game.

Pure play and delight continued for over ten minutes before I asked Lowell to grab the video camera.  I caught Ian’s last few requests on camera just before he began to fade into sleep.  If you watch the video you’ll see Lane and Lowell wait for Ian to make his request.  Ian’s voice is very quiet but you’ll hear his giggle very clearly after the second toss. Enjoy!

Hearing Ian’s laughter let us all know we found a way to cross the bridge together.  These moments weave the rich tapestry of love and joy into our every day life.

I wish you and your family many sweet moments over the holiday season that weave love and joy into your life.

Cheers!

My son Ian, has autism and does not use verbal language to communicate.  He received vaccinations through six months of age.  I stopped because I believed vaccines caused injury to his nervous system, digestive system and immune system.  Within his first four months of life, I noticed delays in his development.  He developed reflux within the first six months and I witnessed his first seizure at eleven months.  Though I suspect they were happening before that time.  (If you’re curious to read more about Ian’s story, visit my About Ian page.)

Believing the thought “Vaccine manufacturers injured my son”, created many years of suffering in my world.  It affected the way I treated the people in my life.  I was full of anger and quick to point the finger with blame and judgment. This single belief created great tension and stress that radiated outward to everyone around me.

I questioned thoughts that created stress in my life for several years using a method developed by a woman who I consider a master teacher of our time, Byron Katie.  Katie has given our world the gift of The Work.

My first experience with The Work blew the doors off the hinges of my mind and showed me it was my thoughts that created the prison I “thought” was my life. I walked away from that experience with a new awareness and understanding that I was not the victim of my circumstances.  I went from feeling trapped, to realizing I had all the power to be free of suffering.  I’ve been using The Work ever since.  I wrote about my experience in the post, The Day I Discovered My Freedom.

Last December, as my husband and I drove to Katie’s New Year’s Mental Cleanse event, I filled out a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet and set the intention to do some deep work.  When I stood up and read my Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet to Katie, my entire body shook and I could barely make it through to the end.  She invited me to join her and do The Work.

Belief after belief shattered into pieces.  I discovered in the process that I did not know whether vaccines injured my son.  I couldn’t absolutely know for sure.  Wow, that was an eye opener.

It turns out, the event was video taped and Katie recently released a DVD titled The Work on Autism.  It includes my experience of dissolving one painful belief after another.  This video shows a brief two-minute segment from the DVD.

I left the room that evening feeling a thousand pounds lighter and with a newfound compassion and understanding.  For me, Katie is pure love.  I’m deeply grateful for her wide open heart and that she made this experience available to share with you.

To this day, the anger and blame I felt is gone and replaced with gratitude.  If it ever returns, I now have The Work to find my way back to love.

Ian has autism and does not use verbal language…yet.  He is an exceptional communicator using all the other non-verbal channels especially the vibrational channel of energy.  He teaches me to tune into the language of vibration every day for which I am deeply grateful.

I started playing music as we drove and both of us got lost in the melodies.  Time seemed to pass effortlessly.

Then came Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto #2.  He’s one of my absolute favorite composers (from Russia) that shared his gift with the world in the early 1900’s.  (The YouTube clip below is from the first movement of this concerto)  Within the first few minutes came tears that transitioned into sobs.  Tears streamed as I released and allowed the emotions to move through me without resistance.

When I reached the point where it felt complete and the emotions had moved through, a gentle message surfaced with clarity.  The message?  “You have everything you need right here, right now.  In this moment, you have Love.”

A smiled broadened across my face and I glanced back to my angel who sat with his hands crossed, looking out the window with a look of complete peace on his face.

Yes, this is Love.

We passed the rest of our journey to Del Mar in a state of peace.  It was the easiest car ride I’d ever experienced.

Here he is moments after our arrival with his father and brother with the sunset and ocean in the backdrop.

Do you use music to help calm the chaos at the end of the day or lift you up when you need a boost in energy?

With my two sisters, Nancy and Linda and teachers, June Davison and Dr. Leo Podolsky. I'm on the right.

I’ve done so since a very young age.  As a child aged 6-17, I studied classical piano with a great master, Dr. Leo Podolsky from Russia who introduced me to some very powerful music.

At the time I had no idea how profound an affect the vibration of sound would have on my life and how it would lead me to where I am today, learning about the power of energy.  I’m inspired to share with you what has opened up my awareness to how we all communicate, through vibration.

Music has a gentle yet powerful way of accessing all kinds of emotions depending on the style, melody, and rhythm.  But you don’t necessarily think about any of this while you’re listening.  You just take in all the sounds and vibrations; receive them through your auditory sensory pathway and feel.

Music activates the right brain and quiets the constant chatter of your verbal mind.

When you get caught up in a stressful situation, or feel overwhelmed with a problem, music provides a break from the story your mind is telling and allows you to access your emotions and tap into your inner wisdom without any effort.

How do you feel after attending a really outstanding concert performance whether it is classical, rock, blues, or any other style that connects with your soul?  Are you aware of the physical sensations in your body while listening to the music?

Here’s an exercise to help increase your awareness to the way emotions feel in your body.  I call it “The Vibration of Emotion through Music”

1. Find a piece of music that you love. Here’s a YouTube video of one of my favorite pieces of music for you to try if you’d like.
   
2. Settle into a quiet space and get comfortable.  You may want a piece of paper and something to write with handy to capture any words or phrases that come up throughout the process.
3. Start the music with the intention to just listen to the vibration of sound. Finding a piece of music without lyrics for this may be helpful the first time around.
4. Notice how the vibration feels in your body and where you feel it.  What are the physical sensations that you notice?  Where in your body do you feel the physical sensations?
5. As you tune into the physical sensations, see if you can just flow with them, allowing any physical movement or sounds to move through your body.
6. Now ask yourself “What emotion am I feeling?” There’s no right or wrong here, it’s just about noticing.
7. Lastly, if you notice any phrases or ideas or words coming up, jot them down without filtering. Sometimes you’ll just get one word or you’ll get an entire thought.  You may even notice that the solution to the problem you were lamenting pops into your mind without any effort or your brilliant idea that was just out of reach becomes crystal clear.  This is what happens when you quiet the chatter of the left-brain and give the right brain the space to be heard.

Every emotion has a vibrational frequency.

As you become more and more emotion-aware, you’ll begin to see how that vibration radiates outwardly to everyone around.  When you’re in a state of love, others will want to connect with you because it feels good to be around you.  When you’re in a state of fear, others will feel less motivated to connect.  This plays out in every interaction you have.  I invite you to start noticing how people in your life respond to you when you’re feeling really good versus feeling scared and stressed.

I’d love to hear your feedback.  Please share you comments and let me know what you experience.

In the past, with each passing of another year, I would suffer a little more imagining what my son, Ian’s life would be like if he never got out of diapers.  How will he be treated as an adult?  Will he be treated with compassion and respect?

These were old thought patterns that created tremendous stress and emotional pain.

I began turning those patterns around three years ago through The Work of Byron Katie.  As my experience with The Work continued, I built more and more evidence that if I changed my inner mind, the external world followed.  It may sound crazy and counter intuitive but I promise you it works.  But don’t take my word for it.  I invite you to test it for yourself.

Here’s one example of a big shift that starting in my mind and now shows up in the external world.

Up until about eight months ago I didn’t know if Ian would ever be out of diapers.

Then one day, I made the decision to start believing he would be potty-trained by Christmas.

The original thought “Ian will never be potty trained” created great stress.  The new and improved thought, “Ian will be potty trained by Christmas” felt like freedom.  I couldn’t know for sure if either thought was true so why not believe the more peaceful, freeing thought?  Made sense to me.

It didn’t matter that I had no clue how it would happen.

I just trusted that it would. (to continue reading the entire article, click here.)

Thanks for stopping by.  And I’ll be sure to update on the blog after the New Year with news on Ian’s progress.  :)

Last October I created this vision board.  At the center you’ll see a map of Africa with a plane pointed directly at South Africa. Two years ago I felt the first pull to go connect with the animals and I dreamed of watching them in their natural setting.

The destination - Londolozi.

The Varty family runs the Londolozi game reserve.  They have restored the natural habitat for the animals and created an oasis of paradise both for the animals and the human guests.  Because of the gentle way the trackers and guides introduce the animals to the vehicles, many of the animals allow the vehicles to come right up next to them for spectacular sightings.  If you’ve dreamed of visiting the South African bush, check out Londolozi and their blog.

June 2011, eight months after the creation of my vision board, I found myself on a plane about to embark on a powerful awakening experience.

When I made this board I didn’t have the faintest clue how I would manage to travel half way around the world, about as far away from home as possible, and leave my husband and two young children home.  The two big challenges were how would I fund the trip and who would help care for my children while my husband worked during the day?It didn’t matter that I didn’t know the how.  I trusted the path would reveal itself.

What provided the magic juice was a clarity of intention and focused attention while making the vision board then letting go of attachment to the outcome! But wait, wasn’t the outcome to go to South Africa?  Yes.  But the real power lay in not caring whether it happened or not.  Wha-wha-wha-what?

Sounds like a contradiction doesn’t it?

Bottom line is it comes down to energy. Everything we do has an energetic quality to it and when you really, really, REALLY want something to happen you tend to communicate a graspy, needy energy.

Ever feel that one?  I have.  Like when I really, really wanted a boy in high school to like me.  Guess what?  He wanted nothing to do with me.  He wanted to hang out with the girl that paid him no mind. Hmmmm, interesting.

When you focus on the outcome and get graspy and needy, this feeling state expands outward to everything around you. How do you feel when you’re around someone expressing needy behaviors? Do you want to get closer or move away?  My hunch is move away. It doesn’t feel good.  The same concept applies to outcomes. Whatever it is you desire, when you focus intensely on the outcome, it runs away.  But when you shift your focus to the feeling state of what you’ll feel when you do have it, ah, then you’re on to something.

When you really want something try this.

1. See if you can identify the feelings you will feel when you have what you desire.  For example safety or happiness or a feeling of peace.
2. Then see if you can find some examples in your life where you feel that way now.

When you realize you already have what you need to reach a desired feeling state, your energy shifts to a more relaxed way of being. You may have a desire for something but now without the attachment to whether your get it or not because you don’t need it to happen in order to feel a certain way.  You’re already there.

For my vision board, I imagined what it would feel like if I were in South Africa.  The feeling states I focused on were powerful, loving and free.

When I took a moment to gaze at my vision board and sink into those feeling states, my clear vision and focused intention led the process.

After making the vision board, it ended up tucked it away on my office and ended up falling behind my desk.  It wasn’t until April that I found it – when I was just getting ready to purchase my airlines tickets!  I didn’t focus on it daily.  What I did was set a clear, focused intention while creating the vision board then let go and released attachment to the how it would happen.

As the months passed, each step revealed itself one after the other.

I followed the steps without analysis.  I followed actions where I felt inspired and alive, where I felt those feeling states of power, love and freedom.  I embraced an attitude of curiosity, playfulness and excitement to see where the path would lead.

As I type this, I’m amazed at how it worked.  I used effort but not force. The effort came with a sense of ease as though it was completely natural to take that next step.  Almost as though it had already happened and I just needed to show up.

I had no idea what revelations and gifts lay ahead as I boarded the plane in San Francisco that afternoon in June and that was perfectly okay by me. I didn’t want any preconceived expectations to interfere with being completely present to take in all the lessons the experience had to offer. And wow did it deliver!

What’s your big vision?  Have you created a vision board?  If not, don’t take my word for it.  Test it out for yourself and see what happens.  I’d love to hear.  Who knows, you may find yourself living out a lifelong dream!  If you have created one, I would love to hear about your vision and experience leading your life.  Please share your comments on the blog.

What does dental work under anesthesia and awakening to your truth in life have in common?

Last Tuesday morning at 9:15am I held Ian in my arms as the anesthesiologist put the mask over his mouth.  The gas knocked him out in seconds.  BAM he was OUT!  The dentist then went fast to work to deep clean and fill four cavities that had been causing pain.  Ian was grinding his teeth non-stop for a week.  The whole procedure took 90 minutes.  Ian never felt a thing because his body was drunk on medication to block out all conscious awareness.

What’s Your Drug of Choice?

How many times have you gone for your “drug” of choice (food, drink, TV, Internet, Facebook, sleep, etc) to numb out and disconnect from what’s causing you pain and suffering?  Show compassion for that part of you that needs relief from the pain in that moment.

The doctor warned my husband and me that Ian’s reentry to consciousness might be uncomfortable for him.  As soon as the doctor felt Ian was breathing safely on his own, he picked him up and placed him in my lap.  With each breath Ian became more and more awake.  He wasn’t very pleased with what that felt like.  All my attempts to sooth him failed.  Time and patience were required for the gas to leave his body completely.

Time to Wake Up

Once you start to wake up to your truth and what’s alive in you there’s no going around it and no going under it.  It’s the time to go through it.  Others may try to help, but in reality, no one else can do it for you.  Only you know the way by trusting your body.  It never lies.  Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and awkward and feels strange, but on the other side awaits peace and love.  So you move forward one step at a time.

The doctor sent us on our way when all vital signs reached a point he deemed safe.  I guided Ian’s unsteady body to the car and we headed home.  Within ten minutes Ian fell asleep and remained asleep for the next hour.

I woke him to go inside where he promptly fell into a deep sleep for SIX MORE HOURS! In the last hour I sat across the room watching him breath deeply and peacefully.  His body was releasing and cleaning out the chemicals with every breath.  His body knew exactly what to do – rest.

A Time to Rest and a Time to Play

Rest plays an essential role when you release and drop painful stories that are filled with conditional love.  Rest supports the building of new neural pathways.  When your mind goes through a deep exhale to release stressful, painful thoughts listen when you body asks to rest.  It knows exactly how much you need. Apparently, Ian’s body needed six.

Then, at 6:15pm Ian woke up.   He looked over at me with a twinkle in his eyes.  He sat up, stretched, smiled and walked straight to me.  My arms reached out to invite a hug and he welcomed a big one.  He wanted to play and for the next hour, that we did with joy and abandon.

What a great way to wake up to the world, cleared of the chemicals, rested and ready to play.

He showed me just how important it is to listen when the body says to rest and have compassion for myself when my mind is in a state of deep letting go whether it be from toxins in my body or toxins in the form of thought.

When was the last time you listened when your body asked to rest? If you’re in a stage of transition, check in with your body and see what happens if you allow yourself the time it wants for rest.  You just may wake to find all kinds of wonderfulness on the other side and feel renewed and ready for play.

For a little fun, here’s a link for a video on YouTube of a little boy who just finished some dental work David After Dentist.

Click here if you’d like to comment on the blog.  I’d love to hear from you.

I want to thank Mey for offering to write this guest post about her experience with sign language and how it can help provide the bridge between you and your pre-verbal child.

Please sign

Those of us who have worked with or cared for nonverbal children can sometimes wonder if they just don’t want to talk. Do they need to talk in order to communicate? Sure, our culture puts a lot of pressure on verbal communication, for obvious reasons. Life is easier for those of us who can speak. But are we missing out on other modes of communication?

Like body language? Like facial expressions? Like sign language? More than 30 years of research and scores of testimonials support the notion that nonverbal children with autism can communicate with sign language. Children are usually happy to move about, happy to wave their arms and move their hands. If we encouraged this behavior, maybe life would be better for our children, and for us.

While sign language can be intimidating, it is important to know that one doesn’t have to learn the entire language in order to benefit from it. Many families simply take it one sign at a time. If a child is fond of a particular toy or object, then learn the sign for that! If one event is particularly stressful for a child, then learn a sign that can help lessen that stress.

Signing with your child promotes social interaction. Even if she doesn’t always make eye contact when you sign with her, at least the invitation is there. And watching a child you love sign is a joyous event. You get to experience the entire package. Not only do you learn what is going on in your child’s mind, but you get to see her beautiful body perform the communication, her face often supporting the thought. It can be cute enough to make you laugh, and it can be profound enough to make you weep. It’s communication at its best.

Sign language helps prevent us from limiting our children. If they are preverbal, it is not the end of the world. Nonverbal does not mean non-communicative. Give signing a try and see how your child responds. Just remember to take it slow, without any pressure, and to enjoy every word, spoken or not.

This article was provided by babysignlanguage.com a website featuring
digital resources including a baby sign language dictionary, baby sign
language flash cards, and a baby sign language wall chart 100% free.

Please click here to comment on the blog.