This is the story of a 47 year old man, who for 15 years had given up on living a vibrant life. He cried for help and was told repeatedly by doctors he would never walk unassisted and he believed them until the day when one person saw the possibilities and believed in him.

Belief and possibility were born. The portal of awareness opened and he courageously took the step through to the other side.

I was struck by his unwavering determination and his willingness to take a step, fall, get up, and immediately take another step.

And he didn’t do it alone. His yoga teacher provided the scaffolding and he did the work. Step by step he found himself inside the layers of pain.

The side-by-side photos at the end say it all. His image on the right radiates right through the screen.  He found his way home.

We all have experiences and circumstances that stop us in our tracks and for some, hold us captive in our own inner prison for long periods of time. I’ve been there. It can get very dark.

What I’ve learned by asking for help and taking step after step is that you are never alone. You always belong and when you feel lost and like you’ve gone off the rails, never give up. Help is waiting for you to ask.

I share this video with you because it inspires me to never give up, to believe, to ask for help, to show up and be seen, to take the next step and be willing to fall and get up again.  It is in these moments of honest expression of self where we connect and see each other.  And for me, this feels like home.

I see you.

I believe in you.

Sitting in a chair, gazing out the window, I contemplate the affect stress has on our bodies and our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.

I set the intention to quiet my mind and be present in the moment. I focus my vision on the oak tress outside and they begin to move together as a whole as if they were breathing in a much slower rhythm than my own breath.

As I observed this, I noticed my breath slowed down.  My body completely relaxed, all tension dropped.  The words and thoughts flowed through my mind and didn’t stick. I just sat, noticing the trees breathing to the rhythm of nature.

Return To Love

The message I hear over and over is “Return to love. Love heals.” I notice the pulse of my blood moving through my body with an ebb and flow, the in and out. My chest rises and falls as my body is breathed, expansion and contraction.

No control required. Only noticing.

Then comes the familiar hum in my ears, the vibration of sensation. I hear the beautiful sounds of my boy’s voices below. Ian’s “vowel songs” and Lane’s voice in play.

The vibration of love permeates my body.

This is such a peaceful state, where breathing slows down, goes deeper, feeds oxygen-rich blood to all parts of my body. The stories swirling in my mind quiet down and in this moment, all is well. I am home.

Take Time to Listen

It doesn’t always feel like this though, which is why I took the time to sit in the chair. My body was talking to me, letting me know it was time to stop and listen. I’ve been feeling exhausted, afraid and ungrounded. The stress I was feeling was the result of me disconnecting from love and I had some debris to clean out.

Stress is a toxin that eats away at love; sometimes a nibble at a time and sometimes in giant devouring bites that create visible destruction in it’s path. But most often it acts like a slow growing crack in your water pipes, causing damage not visible to the eye until the floor starts to buckle from the warping wood underneath.

At this point, mold infiltrates the wood structure, water saturates the insulation and the entire subfloor needs replacement. The entire support system continues to deteriorate beneath the surface every day until it’s dangerously close to collapse.

So how do you find the leaks before the damage reaches the point of a break down?

Explore Under the Surface

Pull open the door to the crawl space, turn on the flashlight and look inside.  Become a detective. Get super curious and find the pipe that’s leaking all the love and joy out of your life.

What are your symptoms trying to tell you? Yes, this can be super scary to think about looking within yourself to find your cracks underneath. It takes courage and may get messy and feel like you’re trapped in a dark crawl space for a while but what happens if you don’t and you continue to avoid the scary stuff?

The body just gets louder until you listen. It gets tired, rejects foods you used to be able to eat, gets migraines, colds, digestive problems, pelvic pain, chronic fatigue, auto-immune syndromes and diseases, back pain, shoulder pain, hip pain, vision problems, memory problems and the list goes on and on. The body breaks down under the pressure of continual stress.

You’ll feel depleted with nothing left to give either yourself or others. You’ll be left curled up in bed asking yourself how did I get here.

And if you find yourself curled up in bed feeling like it’s the end, that’s okay. It is the end. The end of that moment….now the end of that moment….and now the end of that moment. Then somewhere down the line of moments, the next becomes the one you say to yourself “this is the end of suffering and a place to start.”

There’s always a place to start.

And when you decide you’re ready to shine the light under the surface, I believe in you.  I believe you have all the courage and strength you need to find the cracks, clean out the debris and return to love.

Sitting in my chair, gazing out the window, the sun has now set and the dark blue sky creates a silhouette for the trees that continue to breathe  just as I do.

If all you do is breathe, that’s a darn good place to start.

Love,
Diane

P.S.  If you feel inspired to share a moment when you returned to love, I invite you to share in the comments below.  I always love to hear from you.

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With Charlie Morley, Martha Beck, Koelle Simpson, and Lisa Tran

On December 3rd 2011, I had the opportunity to attend TEDx San Diego The World In Our Grasp to hear Martha Beck and Koelle Simpson share their stories.  

For those of you that know me well, you know how much I love them and value their body of work.

If you’re new to my blog, these two ladies have played an integral part in my journey back to love.  They taught me and continue to teach me how to experience life in a loving, peaceful, playful state.

Martha released her latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World in December as well.  It’s definitely one of my favorites.  Her TEDx talk provides a delicious taste for what you’ll find in her new book about the four technologies of magic plus epic story telling.  I love her madly.

If you do not know Koelle or her work, one of the foundational messages she shares is leadership from within, from a place of love and compassion.  She learned this from horses and nature.  In her TEDx talk she shares a moving, powerful story about a horse named Max.

Please enjoy their talks and I’d love to hear your comments so please share below.

Martha Beck’s TEDx San Diego Talk – The Four Technologies of Magic

Koelle Simpson’s TEDx San Diego Talk – A Horse Named Max

With love,
Diane

I turned on the music and began to prep for my daily workout- something new since being unemployed for a month. I decided to begin a new regimen today, one that I had been putting off because I knew it was going to kick my ass, and that I may not be able to finish it.

During the sixth interval of pushups I got to the point where I had to stop. I shook it off and proceeded. My cool down included a walk through the stunning hills outside my San Francisco home, with views of the city that often lead me to reflection with their beauty. Towards the top as I was thinking about that set up pushups, I heard the words- “why do I rarely fail?”

I have lived under the belief that failure is bad, and means that I am unworthy.

I look back on my short life of 24 years and on paper, I’ll admit it is impressive. I have paid my way through undergraduate and graduate school,  completed a Master’s Degree, am beginning a profitable career, have maintained incredibly meaningful relationships, and have waded my way through (what I think were) some pretty terrible situations both personally and in my family.

I have been an athlete, a musician, a student, an employee, and a friend. Other people may look at my accolades and life accomplishments and think, “wow, she’s really got her shit together!” And, you know, I often believe that to be true.

But today, on that walk up the hill, I realized- I have never really failed.

Now I know what you may be thinking. “Really?  How could that be true.” Absolutely. 100% agree. I fail every day in little ways I am sure- as a good roommate, a good friend, a good human being.

But in the big things, the things by which I and others measure my worth as a human, I have not failed.

I have never been turned down for a job.  Never.

Every job I applied for I have gotten. I have never been turned down in a school application. I always got straight A’s. I always made the team. I always finish the workout. “I have spoken to our director and other therapists at the clinic, and we would like to make you an offer for the position.” First try.

Today- that 6^th interval of pushups- was one of those few times I didn’t make it. It may seem silly and simple, but to me it opened up a profound message about my life.

I rarely put myself in situations which I think I may not succeed.

Why?  Because I have been blessed with intelligence and talent, of which I honestly do not take credit for (thanks to the good ol’ Weeks parents).  I can pass by as an impressive human being.

But really, I function at a level in which I push myself just hard enough to be a cut above the rest, but not far enough to have potential to fail. I chose a career and graduate school that I knew would be easy (for me) and applied for a job that I knew I could get. I work out at a level at which others may not be able to achieve, but I rarely push myself to the point of failure.

I succeed, but I don’t necessarily excel.

I look at the pictures of models in magazines and think, “I work out, why don’t I look like that?” Perhaps it is because those individuals have pushed themselves to the point of failure, over and over, every day, until their body adapts and they finally succeed.

Some may say my lack of failures mean I am responsible and talented. I say it is a life without risk.

I am not too big to fail, but rather am too small. I hide under my God-given talents and abilities, but never push myself past them to the point where I won’t succeed- to the point of true growth. If I never failed, does it mean that I never tried something hard enough?

I believed that failure indicates an inadequacy within me, and looked at others who fail as weak. But today I realized something completely different. Failure- after everything has been left on the floor- is an indicator of a courage. An act of bravery. It means I have pushed myself past the point of my abilities, and can learn where my limitations are and grow from them. Without failure, how will I ever know what it takes to truly succeed?

So I challenge myself today- don’t be too small to fail. Be too big to succeed.

Shoot high, take risks, do something where you will probably completely fail.  Laugh. Cry. Move on. Grow.

Brenna is a young woman who has just finished her Master’s Degree in Occupational Therapy, and is embarking on a career working with children with special needs. Her goal is to facilitate opportunities for them to function at their highest level, while taking moments to learn from each brave teacher she encounters.

You joined us on the eve of February 1st 2002.

We greeted you with great expectations.  We celebrated your arrival surrounded by your aunties and grandparents.  Feelings of joy mixed with exhaustion flooded my senses as I watched your father gaze down upon you.

That evening, in the quiet of the hospital, after everyone had gone home, your father slept in the bed while I rocked you in my arms.  I whispered stories of love in your tiny little ears of what I believed our life would be together.  In that moment, I had no idea how powerful a teacher you would be in my life.

Very early on, I knew you were a very special child.  The neurologist diagnosed you with autism at 2 ½ years.  I sat in his office feeling as though the air had been sucked out of the room.  And there you stood, watching the birds fly, banging your hands on the window just as you did moments before, completely unaffected by the label.

Nothing changed and everything changed.

I swam in the depths of sadness and grief for quite some time.  At times I felt like I was drowning, pinned down by the force of crashing waves, over and over again.  I fought the waves, struggled to breathe, so full of fear.

You waited for me, standing on the sand, gazing up at the stars, birds flying above, watching the whales and dolphins play; your faith in me never waivered.

You patiently guided me to find my way back home to love.

A beautiful, pure love swirls around you and engulfs anyone that comes within your realm of being.  You touch lives with the simplest of interactions.  At the grocery story, the park, Costco and walking down the street.  Anyone who takes the time to connect with you experiences the joy of wordlessness and is forever changed by your love and sensitivity.  You teach each person what it means to truly connect from a place of love and peace.

I believe you showed up in this world as a profound teacher. Oh how the lessons have come fast and furiously.  Feels like a space shuttle burning up through the atmosphere, thoughts surfacing and burning up with a greater awareness.

You’ve taught me love blows fear to pieces.

I’m deeply grateful you chose me as your mother and continue to teach me to listen and lead from the place of peace and clarity.  I support your journey every day with love and renewed hope for a day when autism will no longer be a painful struggle for so many.

Whenever I feel a bit stressed or out of sorts, all I need to do is take a few deep breaths, get present and share a moment with you.  You show me the way back to love.

Happy Birthday dear sweet Ian.

Love.

This meant I had a weekend alone with sweet Ian.

Since Ian does not use verbal language, it also meant great opportunities to drop into wordlessness and tune into his non-verbal communication.

Ian and I spent the early part of the morning in a peaceful state of wordlessness. Moving about the house in our routine, eating breakfast, playing, and relaxing.

Then he wanted to go outside.

No doubt, to jump on his beloved trampoline.  I checked the temperature – 45 degrees; too cold for this Californian girl. I helped him outside and onto the trampoline and expressed I wasn’t interested in jumping in the cold and asked him to let me know when he was done.

Often, he does this thing to lure you out to jump with him.  He’ll come to the edge as if he’s ready to get off and the moment you come outside, he drops back in, gives a certain look and makes a sound to invite you to join. He’s trained many of us this way.

As I walked back to the door though he gave me different look.  “Something” told me to stand at the open door. He wasn’t inviting me to jump. It felt like he was asking me to watch.  So, I stood there and he started to jump and squeal with delight.

I gasped!  He did a trick!  He wanted to show me something he’d learned. He dropped to his knees and tried to bounce back up on his feet.  I’d never seen him do this before.  His brother and cousin were doing it the other day.  Well, his cousin was TRYING to do it in his adorable almost-2-year-old way.  (Here’s a video of the three of them jumping together.)

Ian wanted to show me how he could do it too.

He was so proud of himself and happy to share it with me.  As soon as he showed me, he promptly moved to the edge of the trampoline and asked to get out – in the beautiful, clear non-verbal way that he does.

Had I not allowed myself to enter a state of stillness and tune into what he was asking I would have missed it completely. Throughout the weekend, I moved in and out of stillness and each time I returned to stillness, Ian rewarded me with his presence.

My favorite moment happened Sunday morning.

Normally he wakes up and wanders into my room, often with a detour to the bathroom to turn the water faucet on and off several times. He loves to hear running water. Then his sweet feet pad down the hall and down stairs to start his day with his brother.

On Sunday though, he walked straight down the hall to the edge of my bed and climbed in all on his own. We lay there for another blissful thirty minutes snuggling and dozing before he decided it was time to start the day.

How to reach a state of internal stillness?

Here are some simple steps you may explore.

1. Remove distractions that will pull you out of the present moment.
2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” with the intention to notice any physical sensations or tension in your body.
3. What do you notice about your breathing? Is it shallow and fast or deep and relaxed? Then take a few moments to take three deep breaths all the way into your belly.
5. Focus on your five senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) and one at a time, see what you notice.
6. Lastly, bring your awareness to your hands. See if you feel the pulse of your blood moving in and out of your hands with each beat of your heart.

You’ll find an excellent compilation of how to’s (plus so much more) in Martha Beck’s latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. It includes simple yet powerful exercises to help you reach a state of stillness, peace and wordlessness. I highly recommend it.

The more you practice, the easier you’ll find your way back to a state of stillness and peace. Feel free to reach out to connect via email if you have questions regarding the suggested steps listed above.

I’ve love to hear about your personal experience with stillness. Please share in the comments below.

Peace.

The other feels open, powerful, relaxed, right on time, expansive, connected, clear, in flow.

One paralyzes creativity; the other expands creativity beyond all boundaries.

One follows what others do, the other follows inspired action.

Ready to step into your power and heal your world?

Leading with love starts by leading from the inside out.  You are the only one blocking your view.

I choose love.  Which do you choose?

After dinner one night last week, Ian and I sat on the couch while Lowell and Lane constructed paper airplanes.  Lane launched his across the room. Ian showed mild interest.  Then Lowell launched his and it flew straight over Ian’s head.  That’s when Ian squealed with delight.

Lowell and Lane quickly lined up on the other side of the room and launched their planes again. Ian giggled and watched as they glided overhead.

Then something quite special happened.  As Lowell and Lane stood ready to launch, Ian made a sound that translated to “Do it again!”  In Ian’s language, this sounds like “Aaaaa”  The three of us looked at each other wide-eyed, full of excitement. Then off launched the planes!

Ian made the connection that when he vocalized his request, Lane and Lowell would respond by launching their planes. In that moment, with Ian leading the game, it felt like we’d crossed a bridge together, as a family, playing this simple paper airplane game.

Pure play and delight continued for over ten minutes before I asked Lowell to grab the video camera.  I caught Ian’s last few requests on camera just before he began to fade into sleep.  If you watch the video you’ll see Lane and Lowell wait for Ian to make his request.  Ian’s voice is very quiet but you’ll hear his giggle very clearly after the second toss. Enjoy!

Hearing Ian’s laughter let us all know we found a way to cross the bridge together.  These moments weave the rich tapestry of love and joy into our every day life.

I wish you and your family many sweet moments over the holiday season that weave love and joy into your life.

Cheers!

My son Ian, has autism and does not use verbal language to communicate.  He received vaccinations through six months of age.  I stopped because I believed vaccines caused injury to his nervous system, digestive system and immune system.  Within his first four months of life, I noticed delays in his development.  He developed reflux within the first six months and I witnessed his first seizure at eleven months.  Though I suspect they were happening before that time.  (If you’re curious to read more about Ian’s story, visit my About Ian page.)

Believing the thought “Vaccine manufacturers injured my son”, created many years of suffering in my world.  It affected the way I treated the people in my life.  I was full of anger and quick to point the finger with blame and judgment. This single belief created great tension and stress that radiated outward to everyone around me.

I questioned thoughts that created stress in my life for several years using a method developed by a woman who I consider a master teacher of our time, Byron Katie.  Katie has given our world the gift of The Work.

My first experience with The Work blew the doors off the hinges of my mind and showed me it was my thoughts that created the prison I “thought” was my life. I walked away from that experience with a new awareness and understanding that I was not the victim of my circumstances.  I went from feeling trapped, to realizing I had all the power to be free of suffering.  I’ve been using The Work ever since.  I wrote about my experience in the post, The Day I Discovered My Freedom.

Last December, as my husband and I drove to Katie’s New Year’s Mental Cleanse event, I filled out a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet and set the intention to do some deep work.  When I stood up and read my Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet to Katie, my entire body shook and I could barely make it through to the end.  She invited me to join her and do The Work.

Belief after belief shattered into pieces.  I discovered in the process that I did not know whether vaccines injured my son.  I couldn’t absolutely know for sure.  Wow, that was an eye opener.

It turns out, the event was video taped and Katie recently released a DVD titled The Work on Autism.  It includes my experience of dissolving one painful belief after another.  This video shows a brief two-minute segment from the DVD.

I left the room that evening feeling a thousand pounds lighter and with a newfound compassion and understanding.  For me, Katie is pure love.  I’m deeply grateful for her wide open heart and that she made this experience available to share with you.

To this day, the anger and blame I felt is gone and replaced with gratitude.  If it ever returns, I now have The Work to find my way back to love.

Ian has autism and does not use verbal language…yet.  He is an exceptional communicator using all the other non-verbal channels especially the vibrational channel of energy.  He teaches me to tune into the language of vibration every day for which I am deeply grateful.

I started playing music as we drove and both of us got lost in the melodies.  Time seemed to pass effortlessly.

Then came Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto #2.  He’s one of my absolute favorite composers (from Russia) that shared his gift with the world in the early 1900’s.  (The YouTube clip below is from the first movement of this concerto)  Within the first few minutes came tears that transitioned into sobs.  Tears streamed as I released and allowed the emotions to move through me without resistance.

When I reached the point where it felt complete and the emotions had moved through, a gentle message surfaced with clarity.  The message?  “You have everything you need right here, right now.  In this moment, you have Love.”

A smiled broadened across my face and I glanced back to my angel who sat with his hands crossed, looking out the window with a look of complete peace on his face.

Yes, this is Love.

We passed the rest of our journey to Del Mar in a state of peace.  It was the easiest car ride I’d ever experienced.

Here he is moments after our arrival with his father and brother with the sunset and ocean in the backdrop.

Do you use music to help calm the chaos at the end of the day or lift you up when you need a boost in energy?

With my two sisters, Nancy and Linda and teachers, June Davison and Dr. Leo Podolsky. I'm on the right.

I’ve done so since a very young age.  As a child aged 6-17, I studied classical piano with a great master, Dr. Leo Podolsky from Russia who introduced me to some very powerful music.

At the time I had no idea how profound an affect the vibration of sound would have on my life and how it would lead me to where I am today, learning about the power of energy.  I’m inspired to share with you what has opened up my awareness to how we all communicate, through vibration.

Music has a gentle yet powerful way of accessing all kinds of emotions depending on the style, melody, and rhythm.  But you don’t necessarily think about any of this while you’re listening.  You just take in all the sounds and vibrations; receive them through your auditory sensory pathway and feel.

Music activates the right brain and quiets the constant chatter of your verbal mind.

When you get caught up in a stressful situation, or feel overwhelmed with a problem, music provides a break from the story your mind is telling and allows you to access your emotions and tap into your inner wisdom without any effort.

How do you feel after attending a really outstanding concert performance whether it is classical, rock, blues, or any other style that connects with your soul?  Are you aware of the physical sensations in your body while listening to the music?

Here’s an exercise to help increase your awareness to the way emotions feel in your body.  I call it “The Vibration of Emotion through Music”

1. Find a piece of music that you love. Here’s a YouTube video of one of my favorite pieces of music for you to try if you’d like.
   
2. Settle into a quiet space and get comfortable.  You may want a piece of paper and something to write with handy to capture any words or phrases that come up throughout the process.
3. Start the music with the intention to just listen to the vibration of sound. Finding a piece of music without lyrics for this may be helpful the first time around.
4. Notice how the vibration feels in your body and where you feel it.  What are the physical sensations that you notice?  Where in your body do you feel the physical sensations?
5. As you tune into the physical sensations, see if you can just flow with them, allowing any physical movement or sounds to move through your body.
6. Now ask yourself “What emotion am I feeling?” There’s no right or wrong here, it’s just about noticing.
7. Lastly, if you notice any phrases or ideas or words coming up, jot them down without filtering. Sometimes you’ll just get one word or you’ll get an entire thought.  You may even notice that the solution to the problem you were lamenting pops into your mind without any effort or your brilliant idea that was just out of reach becomes crystal clear.  This is what happens when you quiet the chatter of the left-brain and give the right brain the space to be heard.

Every emotion has a vibrational frequency.

As you become more and more emotion-aware, you’ll begin to see how that vibration radiates outwardly to everyone around.  When you’re in a state of love, others will want to connect with you because it feels good to be around you.  When you’re in a state of fear, others will feel less motivated to connect.  This plays out in every interaction you have.  I invite you to start noticing how people in your life respond to you when you’re feeling really good versus feeling scared and stressed.

I’d love to hear your feedback.  Please share you comments and let me know what you experience.