My skincare routine has been HIGHLY requested by friends. So, here you are.

A little background into my skincare geekitude: I almost went to medical school and became a dermatologist, and would have likely wanted to do plastic and reconstructive surgery as well. Instead, through an entirely accidental set of circumstances, I became a corporate accountant for a Fortune 500 company, and skincare remains a side passion. Someday, I’ll take some reduced hours and go to aesthetician school so that I can dabble in my skincare love in a more direct way, and help others to love their skin as I’ve learned to do.

Let me tell you a little about my skin story. As a teenager, I had acne. Not only was it on my face, but I had it on every single part of my body. Fingers, toes, legs, backs of knees, inside my elbows, in my hair, my neck, my belly, my groin, my butt, my neck, behind my ears… These were bad enough. I wore turtlenecks and two layers of tights every day under everything. In San Diego. Year round. I would be sweltering in the heat and refuse to take off my turtleneck because I was so embarrassed of my skin. Worst of all was the horrific cystic acne on my back and chest, in my armpits and over my entire trunk. It was painful – even hugs hurt! – and humiliating. I didn’t change in locker rooms, I avoided changing in front of friends, was careful about going shopping or to the beach or anywhere I would have to strip down. I spent my life covering my skin in layers of thick clothing to hide the lumps.
On the flip side, at home I slathered my skin in baby oil and laid in the yard in a bikini to attempt to dry out the acne. I was on many, many prescriptions, both topical and systemic. I tried antibiotics, benzoyl peroxide (HIGHLY allergic!) and every other wash, lotion, potion, serum, wipe, pill and vitamin.

Finally at age 17, after I had just graduated from high school, my dermatologist suggested Accutane. I was headed to college, and the medication requires careful monitoring, so he sent me with instructions to see a doctor at the student health and ask for accutane. They denied me and told me my acne “wasn’t bad enough.” I was devastated and tears were brewing. The doctor then paused and asked if I also had body acne. I said yes and he peeked down the back of my shirt and said, “oh Honey, you NEED Accutane.” I was on the highest possible dose for the longest course available at the time: six months.

My lips cracked first. Then I began to flake. The corners of my mouth were shredded and it hurt to eat. My skin hurt all over due to dryness, something I had never experienced before. I was flaking EVERYWHERE. My skin was cracked and sore no matter how hydrated I was. I found Bag Balm one day and covered myself, head to toe. It was bliss. I also discovered I could apply lotion to my scalp – who knew that dry scalp could be helped with lotion!?! Certainly not I. Not then.

During this first course of treatment, I got heat stroke. I didnt fully realize the risks of sun exposure while on the medication, and I had been tanning my whole life. I was lying next to the pool where my roommate was a lifeguard, and I suddenly felt really sick. I was shaking, trembling, felt strangely cold despite the 105* day. I was nauseated and felt weak and flushed, and then hot and cold began to alternate. I felt like I had the worst flu of my life, times ten. I went to the bathroom and couldn’t vomit. I couldn’t pee. I felt weird and like I had been drinking heavily and things weren’t very real or solid. The world spun and tilted.
I told my roommate I needed to go home, and she left me sitting on the corner in a shady spot while she went to get the car from the large parking lot beyond the pool. It took her about ten minutes, and two pedestrians and two drivers stopped to ask if I was ok, if I needed help, and if I needed an emergency room ride or for them to call an ambulance. I must have looked horrible! I was in the middle of a major college campus, not in a small town. For people to stop was strange. For that many people to stop was unheard-of.

My roommate took me home. Neither of us realized how serious it all was, so I took an aspirin, drank a glass of water, and went to bed. I passed out for at least six hours, and woke after dark feeling weak and shaky but much better. Knowing better now, I’m aware that I had heat stroke and should have gone to emergency for rehydration. I was very, very lucky I woke up from that nap with no real harm done other than a lifelong heat sensitivity.

I finished my course of accutane and my skin looked great for a few months, and then began to get worse again. This time I saw the dermatologist again right away and they put me on another high-level, long round. They told me it was exceptionally rare for anyone to need more than one round, especially at the high dose. This time I got more side effects. Joint pain was miserable – especially in my ribs. Every time I took a breath, I felt like I was breathing with broken ribs. My joints in my hands hurt, and my knees and ankles, my back, hips, shoulders. It was painful. More importantly, I was also depressed. Severely. The depression is a story for another day, but it has since been added to the known side effects of accutane in a black box warning, as many people have completed suicides while on accutane. At that time, however, we didn’t know. I joined support groups and took medications. Ten years after the end of my third round of accutane, almost to the day, the depression lifted as if by magic. I’ve never had it since. Those ten years were tough, to say the least.
My third round of accutane was about five years later, in my early-mid 20’s as my skin started to break out again! The dermatologist told me that not only was three rounds medically questionable, as it hadn’t been studied, it was just plain dangerous and he was concerned, but that if this time didn’t work, there was nothing else. So he extended the time period and increased the dose to what I recall as double the highest dose. I had to re-explain to the pharmacist every time I got it filled, as it was so unusual.

Sadly, a few years later my skin began to break out again. Considerable testing revealed high testosterone levels, and the new dermatologist put me on an androgen blocker, at a very high level – as high as or higher than many transwomen! It worked!! I’m still on it today, and if I ever run out, my skin immediately breaks out horribly. So I stay on the hormone blocker and my skin is happy.

All those rounds of accutane left me with exceptionally dry skin. It killed most of my sebaceous glands – even those around my eyes. I have dry eyes, dry mouth, peely, flaky dry skin. So I am very cautious with my skin. Dry skin ages faster than oily. It has less bounce and shows wrinkles more. It’s thinner. It can be fragile. I cannot shower every day, or even every other day. My full shower is twice a week, and VERY fast with layers of moisturizer on my damp skin afterward. In – shower lotion, the prescription lactic acid lotion, then shea butter cream, then a custom blend of highly moisturizing oils, then a flannel nightgown or cotton pajamas to protect my sheets and allow it all to absorb overnight. I also oil my hair and only wash it 1-2 times every 3 weeks. It gets more and more dry between washes, so I add oil and condition it periodically in between, I moisturize my scalp, and I never use shampoo with detergents – always conditioner or “co-wash.”

And now here is the facial skincare routine.
This is extremely long, but I wanted to break down why I use certain ingredients in skincare. I get questions about my skin frequently, and want to really break it down.

I love vitamin c creams and serums in general. They brighten the skin, plump up fine lines, fade age spots, etc. If you don’t understand why it works, toward the end of this post I will post an explanation of free radicals and antioxidants and what they do.

Morning:

Here is what I use, in the order I use it. Amazon links for ease of finding equivalents. Each item should be applied and then given a few seconds to dry.
I usually drop the serums all into my hand and apply them together. The toner is critical to the regimen as it clears all sebum that may prevent absorption of the serums and moisturizer.
Emma Hardie Moringa Cleansing Balm. It’s soft, gentle, and creamy. Bonus: it comes with a gorgeously soft cleansing cloth, and you can buy a package of them so you have a fresh one daily. Scoop out a thumbnail-sized dollop of the balm and lightly massage it into your skin, swiping upward and outward. If you prefer, you can add some water after massaging in, and emulsify into a milk before rinsing off. I prefer not to, and just use a warm, wet cleansing cloth to wipe it away.

Recherge Biologique P50 1970 toner

SkinMedica Vitamin C and E Complex 1 fl oz. or 20% Vitamin C + E Ferulic Acid Serum 4 oz refill

Matrixyl 3000 Serum Refill 4 oz

Niacinamide 5% Vitamin B3 Serum

Hyaluronic Acid Serum

Bite Beauty Agave Lip Mask 

Indeed Hydraluron Moisture Serum

StriVectin-SD Intensive Concentrate for Stretch Marks & Wrinkles, 5 fl. oz.

belif The True Cream Bomb or It Cosmetics Confidence in a Cream

Then I add a few drops of Fresh Seaberry Moisturizing Face Oil

Let it absorb for about 5-10 min. Tissue off if too moisturized after absorbing for a while.

Cotz Spf 40 UVB/UVA Sunscreen for Sensitive Skin

Natasha Denona Glow Foundation mixed with a couple drops of the Fresh Seaberry oil to sheer it out.

For those on a budget, here is my alternate list of budget-friendly skin care products with similar active ingredients to the above. Each alternate is in the table below next to its equivalent:

Night:

Here is what I use, in the order I use it. Amazon links for ease of finding equivalents. Each item should be applied and then given a few seconds to dry. I usually drop the serums all into my hand and apply them together. The alpha-beta peel is critical to the regimen as it clears all sebum that may prevent absorption of the serums and moisturizer.
Remove eye makeup with Neutrogena Cleansing Oil-Free Eye Makeup Remover and cotton pads – these are my absolute favorite and are a good dupe for the more expensive Shiseido ones! Don’t wipe. Saturate the cotton pad in remover, hold it on your closed eyes for 60 seconds and lightly wipe away. Repeat with the other side of the cotton pad if it’s not mostly gone. Don’t try to get every last bit with the remover. Let your cleanser get the rest.

Remove face makeup with Neutrogena Makeup Remover Cleansing Towelettes if you absolutely must. In order to avoid creating wrinkles, hold the towelette against your face for 30-45 seconds, pressing in to allow it to dissolve makeup. Then LIGHTLY wipe it away.

Wash with Emma Hardie Moringa Cleansing Balm. Scoop out a thumbnail-sized dollop of the balm and lightly massage it into your skin, swiping upward and outward. If you prefer, you can add some water after massaging in, and emulsify into a milk before rinsing off. I prefer not to, and just use a warm, wet cleansing cloth to wipe it away.

I follow with Dr. Dennis Gross Skincare Alpha Beta Peel as my “toner” at night, as it helps prep the skin for the various serums and lotions.

SkinMedica Vitamin C and E Complex 1 fl oz. or 20% Vitamin C + E Ferulic Acid Serum 4 oz refill

Matrixyl 3000 Serum Refill 4 oz

Niacinamide 5% Vitamin B3 Serum

Hyaluronic Acid Serum

Bite Beauty Agave Lip Mask 

Indeed Hydraluron Moisture Serum

StriVectin-SD Intensive Concentrate for Stretch Marks & Wrinkles, 5 fl. oz.

belif The True Cream Bomb or It Cosmetics Confidence in a Cream

I add a few drops of Fresh Seaberry Moisturizing Face Oil to my moisturizer and three times a week I add Retin-a along with the moisturizer. 

Last thing before I go to bed I put on a layer of [Laneige] 2015 Renewal – Water Sleeping Mask mixed with a few drops of Moroccan Argan Oil and a very thick layer of LANEIGE Lip Sleeping Mask 20g

Once a week, I do a light peel – usually on a Thursday or Friday night. The page in the link has a really great description of which peel does what. For me, I alternate Lactic Acid 65% peel, TCX or PhytX peel and Mandelic Acid peel, and then once every three months or so I do a TCA peel on my sun spots. The TCA peel is hard core and I’ve slowly built up to a 24% peel which I do on my entire face about once a year, as it does have significant down-time of about ten days of massive peeling. This peel is no joke, and you have to build up to it with lactic acid at low percentages, higher percentages, and then TCA at the lowest percentage and SLOWLY build up according to the instructions that come with the peel. You can really mess up your skin if you don’t do this carefully, so don’t screw around with it if you don’t want to follow instructions. MUAC does also maintain a heavy social media presence and answers questions and makes recommendations as needed.
My skin looks amazing! The picture below is without ANY face makeup on – eyes and lips only. I’m 43 years old, for frame of reference. Before discovering vitamin c, my skin looked dramatically older! The picture below with the shorter hair was at age 29, 14 years ago. I looked older then, than I do now. I attribute this to vitamin C and hyaluronic acid, primarily, with help as well from retinol and very high quality humectants and moisturizers.

age 43, no face makeup – just moisturizer/sunscreen and lip balm:

age 43, minimal makeup (summertime, so more freckles are showing):

age 29, no face makeup:

I want to talk about some common skincare ingredients that have misconceptions.
Purified Water is first. We need to add moisture to skin before we seal it in. Most skincare products begin with water to hydrate.

• Tetrahexyldecyl Ascorbate is a form of vitamin c that’s fat-soluble, making it easier to absorb into skin’s lipid barrier.
• Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride is a specific coconut fatty acid, which is extracted without fractionating (this is a good thing) and helps to moisturize and plump skin.
• Cyclomethicone and Dimethicone give products a little “slip” and smoothness on the skin, making it feel nice, texturally, and absorb leaving a soft finish.
• Cetyl Alcohol is a fatty alcohol – another moisturizer! Don’t be misled by the word alcohol.
• Glyceryl Stearate is a compound of glycerin and stearin acid that makes a fatty texture which is used to help lotion smooth into your skin.
• PEG-100 Stearate is another emulsifier. When combined with Glyceryl Stearate, the two stabilize one another and the product as it is emulsified, so you don’t get that separation into oils and water.
• Retinyl Palmitate is a man-made vitamin A, which is an antioxidant as well, but when applied to the skin in this form, it converts to Retinol, and then to retinoic acid, the primary active ingredient in the widely-used prescription retin-a, which aids in turnover of skin cells, revealing fresher skin over time.
• Tocopheryl Acetate is a topical form of vitamin e
• Hyaluronic Acid is a humectant: it attracts water to its molecules and pulls it in, plumping the cell, and then holding onto the water.
• Glycerin is also a humectant, but doesn’t hold onto the moisture, but picks it up and puts it down, so it requires some “sealing” with fatty stearates like those above that provide the barrier.

I prefer to use NO Sulfates, Pthalates, Parabens, or Formaldehyde.
A bit more about free radicals and antioxidants. Free radicals are simply molecules with an electron missing. They’re looking to bond with another molecule in order to replace that missing electron. This process is called oxidization, and it’s a natural and normal process. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? Guess what is also oxidation? Rusty metal. The problem is that when these molecules steal an electron from a healthy skin molecule, they leave it damaged. So an air pollution (smog) molecule is wandering around, snatches an electron from your face in order to balance itself out, and now your skin is missing an electron. Times billions. And it’s not just smog. Toxic food ingredients, chemicals, radiation, second hand smoke, and so many more are all attacking our skin constantly. This is commonly known as environmental aging.

Anti-oxidants are very special molecules which can give away an electron without being hurt, themselves. Vitamin C is an anti-oxidant. Applied to the skin, it encounters the free radical molecule, hands over its electron, and off goes the free radical without damaging your skin. This is why I look for a combination of multiple antioxidants: Aloe Vera Leaf Extract, Green Tea Leaf Extract, Grape Seed Extract as well as vitamins C, E, and retinol, the version of vitamin A.

Antioxidants are a critical step in skin care.
After cleansing skin and applying any toner or water-consistency treatments – I use niacinamide (vitamin B) spray and hyaluronic acid spray, apply serums such as hyaluronic acid in a slightly thicker form, vitamins, stem cell serum, or any other serums you may prefer.
Next, use your slightly viscous or thicker liquid products such as an undereye serum, tone corrector for age spots, or other treatments in a thin liquid.
Continue with your thicker liquids, always layering thinnest consistency first, or in case of equivalent consistency, put on the item with more active skincare ingredients in it first.

For those who are lower-maintenance about skincare, this would be immediately after cleansing and toning.
Next apply a skin oil or cream if you need further hydration in nighttime, or sunscreen during the day.
It takes about thirty days to see a truly dramatic difference with vitamin c, but age spots and hyper pigmentation can begin to lighten right away and you may notice a change in just a few days.

I believe the one key piece to breaking away successfully is that you have to have TRUE BELIEF in your  decision to finally be done. 

What finally allowed me to break free was a set of affirmations I repeated to myself daily for a while before doing it, until it didn’t feel like a dragon was going to leap out of my heart through my mouth. 

I said: 
“I will not be abused anymore. I won’t allow you to continue to do this to me because I have self worth. I do not deserve to be hurt, pushed, pulled, strangled, beaten, left in the middle of nowhere with no money, or to have guns pulled on me for fun, accused of cheating on you while I’m working, or any of the other countless things you’ve said and done. 

I am finished hiding my bruises and scars -physical AND mental. I’m putting them out for the world to see, and they may ask you. You can answer as you wish, but you will not slander me or create drama. Luckily this will be easy for you because I’ve already cut ties with everyone who usually schemes with you to get me to come back. My suggestion to you is to get help. Take it or leave it, but I am past caring and will NOT change my mind if you do.

I’m finished. You’re finished. We. Are. Totally. Permanently. Finished.”
I then tossed the fake engagement ring he gave me in his lap (turned my finer green!) unlocked the door from the drivers side by reaching over him, and pushed him out of the car. He ended up on his butt on the curb. Literally and absolutely kicked him to the curb. I sped off. 

There is so much more to this story; this is like a quick scene in a movie. It’s a flash of memory for a proud, strong moment at the end of three years of hell. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end of his entanglement in my life, but it was the end of the relationship. 

More to come!

Back to the post:

What is currently happening in Ferguson, MO is widely known. If you don’t know about it, you’ve either been on a sequestered jury or purposely had your head in the sand at this point.

I’m tired of hearing these stories over and over. I’m tired of police brutality. I’m tired of grown men being scared of little boys because on average adults of all races estimate black males to be at minimum two years older than their non-black peers. This has huge consequences when it comes to assuming a 10 year old child is a 12 year old adolescent/teen and making a decision on how to react to normal ten year old silly antics that most boys pull at that age. “Rasslin'” and rough-housing of two buddies is suddenly called into 911 as a gang war. Police react accordingly and somebody’s little boy is dead because he was playing and didn’t hear the cop yelling to freeze. Just one example.

We should be working together, not one against each other, to re-tear down the master’s house and get rid of his rules once and for all. It will take time, but enough of us are angry enough now that I believe MAJOR change is just within our reach. But we need to all team up to get it done. It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a village to fix the problems that are destroying our safety and sense of community.

I have made a pledge to multiple friends and I will make it to my public page here as well:

1. I swear to not do anything in my knowledge or power that encourages, appears to dismiss or ignore, or otherwise condone racism in any form.

2. I also swear to listen carefully and completely without being defensive or dismissive if I screw up, and I ask that you tell me if I screw up so I can listen to what you have to say, apologize sincerely, and learn to do better.

3. I don’t ask you to teach me – that’s my job – but I do ask you to tell me if I say something that’s harmful or offensive without realizing it. (Example, I once used a horrible phrase and had NO IDEA of the origination of the phrase. In my mind I had never made the connection. It was pointed out to me that the phrase was not ok, thank God for the person who had the courage to tell me, and I did some research, found the connection, was horrified and embarrassed, and have banned that phrase from my mouth.)

I’m not talking about putting a responsibility on POC to educate the idiots of the world, but please don’t just be silent if I say something that harms people. I would never do so knowingly and want to know if I’m using a word or phrase that’s offensive. I’ll do the research, I’ll seek out the education. I’m just asking for the red flag of “hey you need to look that one up before you use it again, please.”

This for me also includes bigotry against other groups like LGBT. Hate is hate and simply changing your target isn’t enough. Young black men are being murdered at an alarming rate. Young transgender women of color are being downright genocided out of existence in front of us IN THE U.S. We ALL shrug, wring our hands, say “what a pity, how sad,” maybe write an RIP comment on a social media page, maybe not. and move on.

No more. I am done.

********I REFUSE TO BE A PART OF THE PROBLEM.***********

While I’ve done my best to deal with macroaggressions and blatant discrimination as I’ve seen them for years, the microaggressions and institutionalized racism in corporate America and elsewhere have been on the back burner with an attitude of “no, let’s get the big things first.” That’s not enough anymore. Chopping up the problem into little bits keeps it looking like a lot of little problems, and it’s hard to find a root cause if we look piecemeal. It’s time to really talk about it. Stop the silence. All of us.

It’s time to open people’s eyes to what REALLY goes on. The “small” things like a purse clenched tighter, a less cheerful greeting from the waiter, no makeup in your shade in any store in a particular neighborhood etc. Let’s call it out. Let’s –_politely_– confront. And in cases where the person we are asking has no control (store mgr with makeup stock) invite them to join us in doing our part, big AND small, to eradicate the stuff that keeps us uneducated about, ignorant of, and wary of one another.

And lest you think I’m a 19 year old comin’ wet behind the ears out of liberal arts school with a savior complex, I’m not. I’m 41 and seen it with my own eyes for my whole life. I’m tired of it. It’s crap.

My husband’s FIRST memory is of his dad being pulled over for driving while brown and the police grabbed my husband (he was 3) and said to his dad “you’re too dark to have a baby with white skin and green eyes. Where did you kidnap this child from?” Meanwhile my husband bit the officer who was holding him, bit him HARD, screamed bloody murder and used the officer’s surprise to jump down and run to his daddy and tell them “he IS my daddy and you can’t take me!” He had been taught not to go with a stranger and to fight if needed. He felt he was in danger. And he was.

He’s still terrified of cops. To this day. Despite carrying the privilege of being a white-appearing (unless you know what to look for) person of color, and despite knowing that that privilege makes him the least likely group to be harassed, he can’t drive except in an emergency because he gets panic attacks when cop cars are near. I don’t blame him.

Who will take my pledge with me?

1. My “heart cat” Calvin died suddenly in Summer 2011. He developed sudden liver disease and despite a week in the hospital and multiple surgeries, he did not make it. I still miss him tons.

2. We bought a house in august 2011. My dad was super excited to be a part of the process as our “professional expert” and voice of reason. We bought a home with about 8000 sqft of land, so it’s just big enough to make it a small urban farm, and we’ve spent much of the last three years making that dream happen. Still a long ways to go, but I’ll be starting up another blog at littlecityfarmseattle.com for the urban farming stuff if you are interested. A few pictures of the house from early spring as well are below.

3. My little bro got married the day after we closed on the house. That was a happy week in our family. My sister in law is a good balance for my brother, and it’s nice to see him so happy and centered.

4. My dad died December 21, 2011. He stuck around long enough to see his kids settled into their lives and then I think he decided he was done fighting so hard. It’s the most devastating thing I’ve ever been through. I miss him every single day, and I’ll write more about my thoughts and experiences at a later time.

5. My brother and his wife bought a house about two miles from ours in February 2012, and announced they were expecting. They had been trying for a long time, so this was a very big deal. I have no idea if my dad was able to influence that happening in any way from wherever he is now, but I’m sure that if he could have, he would have, because he wanted grand kids more than anything, and would have been an exceptional grandfather.

6. We got conned into another cat. Vinnie Van GoghGo is a one-eared, heart-nosed 25 lb nutjob who was thrown from a car on the freeway and rescued. He has two thumbs on each front paw and can use them opposably. No kidding. He can get into everything and we have child locks on all cabinets or else he will help himself to food and treats and whatever else he can find. He is extremely food-motivated and will do anything for a treat. His former owners taught him to sit up and beg. That was what got us. He say up and begged at us when we were saying we couldn’t take him. Sigh. I’ve taught him to shake paws. He is apparently half dog. He has his own YouTube channel, and is quite the ham. http://youtu.be/w31rpSMQH2k

7. My niece was born 11/27/12 and is the light of my life. Her expressions are so much like my dad’s sometimes, and she has his eyes, which is pretty cool. I love that little girl more than life.

8. I had major spinal surgery in December 2012 due to the disease I have. The disease created new bony growth which interfered with normal function and caused a disc to blow out into the nerve root as well as the spinal cord. The osteophyte (new bone spur) was in danger of severing the nerve root where the nerve exited to my left arm. It was essentially en emergency as I had lost all involuntary reflexes in that arm and had numbness, tingling in my hand and severe pain in my neck and shoulder. Surgery went well, took about 8 weeks to heal, though I went back to work after four weeks (which in hindsight was stupid!) I feel a ton better now but do have a bit of permanent damage as well as donor bone and a titanium plate in my neck.

9. Work is still work for me. A couple of promotions and I’m fairly happy, though I’m aware I’d make 150% or more of my current salary by going elsewhere. It’s hard to give up the five weeks vacation a year and other benefits that come with long-term seniority, though.

10. My husband is no longer with Child Protective Services. After 20+ years, it was time to be done with being on call 24/7 and being in crisis mode 100% of the time. The stress was killing him. He now works for the county, in the court system, supervising those who advocate for kids whose families are struggling with substance abuse. They work hard to make sure the kids’ best interests are represented to the courts.

11. I’m on a new combination of treatments that are really making a huge difference for my autoimmune disease, though I’ve collected a new one since we last spoke – diverticulitis. I’m not the typical at-risk person for diverticulitis, as I eat lots of fresh raw produce and high fiber, low inflammatory foods, and not a McDonalds eater. It’s the opinion of my doctor that one medication we tried may have caused it, as it can be a very rare side effect for some people. It was horrible at first, but has become manageable as long as I eat properly (not an issue) and don’t get over-stressed (working on it.)

12. We are making a big life change. Huge! The biggest! More detail on that coming very soon.

Here are a few pics of the house and yard. The first is when we bought it. The ornamental plum in front had been butchered so we had to remove it. The other pics are from late this spring. I’ll take some updated pictures tomorrow as the garden is in riotous bloom and growth for summer.

This is from an email I wrote to a friend last Wednesday:

A weird thing happened on the way home from jury duty. I was walking to the bus stop and passed a group of older-than-me-but-not-old homeless men. One of them called out, “hey, you with the hair! [I’ve been wearing it long and in my naturally curly state, and gone back to red color. It stands out.] You are SO fine! You’re beautiful!” To which I smiled and said thank you. That may have been a mistake, but I always thank a person for a sincere compliment.

He went on again and said something else about me being this or that (didn’t quite get the words but it was essentially a repeat of the previous sentiment but in slightly less socially-acceptable terms, but not offensive either. Just something about being hot and “damn” and such.) at this point I’m thinking “well. That was nice. Haven’t heard one of those in a few years. Guess I’m having a good appearance day.” I felt pretty good. You just don’t get told you’re hot out in public much once you’re over 35 or so.

And then the kicker… He says “you so fine if you were my woman I’d drown you. Yep. Drown you. (Long pause) With my loooooooove. Next time I see you I’m getting your phone number. You better not be married!”

I didn’t respond to anything after the original “thank you,” and ignored his dumb ass and walked to my bus stop with him yammering about drowning me over and over as he walked past the bus stop with his buddies.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?? DUDE. Pretty sure that’s the weirdest catcall I’ve ever experienced. Maybe the creepiest, too.

I went from a “hey, cool, I still look good” moment to a “what just happened there?” in less than a second.

I don’t agree with catcalling in general and usually ignore it. However, in this case it started as a well-mannered, sincere compliment that absolutely deserved a thank you in return.

Generally in situations where women explain to (usually) men how demeaning catcalling is, we also tell them that to pay a true compliment in a respectful tone is a different thing than a “hey baby blah blah blah” you know? So you don’t want to discourage the good ones either. It was a little bit sad because at one point he was definitely ahead.

Life lesson: when you compliment a stranger on the street and they smile and thank you, quit while you are ahead and don’t get all creepy on them.

For reference, here’s what I was wearing that day. Harassment doesn’t only happen to skinny girls in short skirts.

Again, tried to keep this as PG as possible. There is some mention of blood, but not nearly the description I originally had of what was shown to us.

Today was lots of police officers. Started with the first officer to arrive on scene, then to the lead detective for the case, then Nordstrom Security, who pulled the tape of the getaway car.

We saw crime scene photos. LOTS of them. And evidence. And more evidence. Mostly in the way of photos and cell phone records that placed the suspect in the right location at the right time, and talking to the victim on the phone shortly before, arranging a meetup. And we saw the video of the getaway car driving the wrong way down the parking aisle.

Did I mention there was a lot of blood? But not NEARLY as much as we’d been led to believe. One of my first questions when we started the case, and in fact, the one asked as a “defense” by his atty, was “WHERE IS THE BLOOD?” – meaning where was all the blood from the shooting? Why did he not have blood soaked clothing, or a car full of blood, etc. Well, it’s fairly clear from the crime-scene photos. There was NO blood spray that went backward. NONE. No blood stains in the backseat at all. Questions answered? Maybe.

Where’s the gun? We still don’t know. But search of suspect’s house finds .380 cal ammunition in a safe, along with multiple IDs and a passport and cash and drug paraphernalia. So he had the same kind of gun, we are to assume. Why else would he have the bullets? However, they’re not the same brand as the ones at the scene. This is not a big concern. It is concerning that he has the same caliber bullets but NO GUN IN HIS GUN SAFE.

Oh, and aviator style sunglasses, red-tinted. This was a distinct feature that witness described shooter wearing. They found multiple pairs at his home. Apparently he collected them or something. Weird. And a newspaper printout of the story about the shooting. Why would he have that printed out off the computer? Yeah he knew the guys, but why print it?

The prosecutor made much of him getting a new driver’s license photo taken shortly after the crime. Turns out it was right at the time of his birthday, according to the defense. However, I calculated. ASSUMING he got his license at 16 (big assumption) it was an odd number of years, not a multiple of 4 or 8, between his 16th birthday and that year. So he wasn’t up for renewal. WHY did he renew?

Lots of unanswered questions.

………
Day Three

This day was the testimony of the DNA expert from the WA State Patrol Crime Lab. It’s not gory. It’s detailled, but not terribly long – I tried to edit it down.

Today was mostly taken up with the DNA expert.

Before we get to her, however, we have the mechanic who fixes the suspect’s car. Defendant’s wife and stepson dropped off the car 2 days after the crime for a tune up. When it’s impounded by police it’s particularly clean. It’s been armor-all’ed on the inside, and the passenger side has a sheepskin seat cover, which is missing on the driver’s side. The driver’s side is particularly clean. The mechanic is no help in either direction. He can’t recall anything about the car, so he says. It’s just a car. Not dirty, not clean. Not anything. Just a car. Crime Lab disagrees. They find it’s very clean on driver’s side and regular amount of debris on passenger side.

DNA expert was from the Washington State Patrol Crime Lab, and is a PhD in Biology of some sort with thousands of hours of forensics training. She’s been working there 10 years after working 10 years with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in their Forensics Unit in Alberta. She definitely knew her stuff.

She showed the link between the one drop of blood found on the suspect’s car and the blood of one of the victims. She showed that the murderer had to be sitting in the backseat of the vehicle at the time of the shooting, and there were multiple pictures of the crime scene showing that there was no back spray at all that reached the back seat, so the shooter would not have had any blood on him, most likely. He may have had some on his hands due to the close-range of the shooting of one of the victims.

The defense atty tried to question her labeling system. She uses her initials and then numbers for evidence collected from each scene. However, each scene has its own set of independent identifiers also on the packages, and in addition when she packages she puts a full description. The big thing they were going after was the blood on the suspect’s car that matched the victim’s “control sample” – both were labeled BAH-2. They were trying to say that somehow she had gotten them mixed up. However, The “unknown” samples are always processed before the “known” samples. In this case a FULL MONTH prior. Also, in this case, she had pictures of the packaging. So the package of the sample from the suspect’s car said BAH-2 but it also said “red-brown stain from underside of driver’s door on Toyota Celica” and the date.

The Control sample was a blood-card (like a sample card when they test your blood type) heat-sealed in plastic laminate, labeled “Control sample blood from Felix Payan Cruz” and the date and case number. She re-explained about 4 times that there was clear labeling on all her items, and the defense atty acted dense and said “but you have no clear protocol in place regarding keeping them separate from one another in the fridge or using different numbering systems so you don’t get them confused.” The DNA expert was funny. She said, “well I suppose if dried DNA evidence could somehow magically crawl through a heat-sealed piece of plastic laminate, and get out of a sealed envelope, and through another sealed package, and into another sealed envelope, where it would then magically insert itself into yet another sealed carton, then yes they could cross-contaminate. But since that is not the case, then no – there’s no cross contamination.”

This is the only defense they’re bringing so far. Attacking things that were clearly done correctly. They truly seem to have NO defense.

1. Where is the gun? We don’t know. Could be ANYWHERE. But suspect obviously once owned that sort of gun, or had access. He has bullets for one in his home safe.

2. Where is ALL the blood? Answered. There was no back spray. ALL the blood is in the victim’s car. A drop of it is on the suspect’s car.

3. Where is the motive? Don’t know. Does it matter when the evidence is there? I don’t think so. I don’t think we need a motive when we have the evidence.

Unless the defense pulls a rabbit out of their ass, this case is over.

Three families have lost their sons. Everyone loses in this one. There is no good answer, but at least we can do the right thing, whatever that may be. At this point, I think I know. But we shall see if there is anything new to come.

……

Day Four

Today started with the final State witness. Kathy was the defendant’s supervisor at work. She testified that he did not show up for work (nor did he call in) on the day of the crime. The following day, he called in sick. The third day, he returned to work, minus the moustache he’d always had and driving a different car than what he’d always driven.

At this, the State rested its case.

Defense

First defense witness was a DNA expert. This is a man who works at UW Medical Center in DNA research, and by his own admission on the stand, contracts out to defense teams. He gets paid to consult and testify. He says he has consulted on 200 cases. Of those, 198 have been for the defense, where he was paid by the defense team to find holes in the prosecutor’s DNA portion of the case.

I tried to keep an open mind as to what he was going to say. However, when he testified, the “holes” he brought up were ALL already explained by the prosecutor’s team. He made a lot of the fact that he didn’t know how the samples had been stored. However, it’s all clearly documented. The WSP Crime Lab is afterall aware that most of their work will be scrutinized in court eventually. He really had a lot to say about the labeling of the swabs from the defendant’s car and from the crime scene (BAH-2). However, there was additional labeling that made it very very clear what was which. His answer for that was “well I don’t know when that additional labeling was put on there.” We had earlier testimony showing that the labeling was done at the time of collection. In fact, it was photographed RIGHT after being labeled and was clear at that time.

I found myself sitting there thinking “it must really feel shitty to be a sellout” and “I wonder what the scientific community thinks of this guy?”

So pretty much the whole day was taken with this witness. But he was a waste of time (and money) as he didn’t manage to cast ANY doubts, much less reasonable ones.

…….

Day Five

The defense called back the lead detective in the case. They asked about the ring that was recovered from the defendant’s personal effects and tested for blood – it was negative. They implied that had the defendant been the shooter, he would have had blood on that ring due to blowback.

However, on cross the prosecutor brought up that the defendant was arrested more than 10 days after the murders. Plenty of time to have washed his hands multiple times. In addition, what I noted as they showed us the ring, was that it was most likely his wedding ring. It appeared from the scene that the shooter was right-handed. He also may have been wearing gloves, which reinforces premeditation. This would also explain the lack of fingerprints on the car.

That was it for defense witnesses. The defense rested at this point.

So we had Jury Instructions, and then Closing Statements. The one thing that made me mad was that the defense atty implied that because the victims were dealing drugs they deserved to be murdered. I think his words were “they were drug dealers. Their lifestyle and their world is not the same as yours. They made a lot of enemies, and any of those enemies could have committed this crime. The defendant walked up, saw what had happened, and as happens all too often in our society, he walked away, not wanting to get involved.”

The prosecuting atty jumped on this in her rebuttal. She said that yes, they were dealing drugs, but both were young, one just 16. They were never allowed the chance to have a future. That future could have been continued drug involvement, but it could have been turned around. What is important is that they weren’t given the choice. They didn’t deserve to be murdered.

And then I was excused, since I am Juror #14. I will get a phone call if anything happens that they have to excuse a juror and I have to come in. Otherwise, I’ll get a call once they are done and it’s all over with. I asked the Bailiff if I could be called when they reached a decision so I could come sit in the courtroom, but she basically said no. I would have liked to be there, since I feel quite invested in this case at this point.

I was excused at noon. It’s now 5:00pm and no call. I’m definitely anxious/curious to hear what happens. There is no good solution in this case. Not at all. The options are first degree murder or second degree murder for both count one and count two, and an additional “special charge” regarding the use of a firearm.

When I walked out that door I had no doubt that I would have voted him guilty on all of the above. We shall see how the other jurors vote.

I feel so sad for all the families involved.

……

Day Six – Decision Day

The decision was announced today.

Count 1 – Murder in the first degree of Felix Payan Cruz: Guilty.
Special Charge of use of a firearm: yes.

Count 2 – Murder in the first degree of Ivan Payan Rojas: Guilty.
Special Charge of use of a firearm: yes.

There is no good in this news, really.

Three families have lost their sons.
It’s a sad, sad situation. However, the correct decision was made. It was the only decision that could be made.

After the decision was announced, the jurors were allowed to speak freely with the attorneys, and the defense attorney essentially said there was no way to defend this case. The prosecutor agreed. They did their best with what they had, but they had nothing.

My heart breaks for all the parents involved, all of whom were in attendance in the courthouse during the trial. I just want to hug them all. They have all lost. Simply sad.

May the victims rest in peace, and may the family members find some sort of peace.

I haven’t decided yet, but I may want to attend the sentencing. Another juror who became my friend during the case may also do the same. It’s a sort of closure thing, I think. Seeing it through or something. I don’t know. We’ll see how I feel as time goes on.

I don’t have to work tomorrow. I’m taking a mental health day to recover. I’ll go back on Friday.

……..

After Thoughts

The victims in the case reminded me of my ex, and I find myself thinking about my life, and my escape from certain death.

When I was 18 years old, I met a guy named Gabe. He told me he was an ex-gangmember and had gotten his life turned around. He was a friend of a friend. She vouched for him, since I was skeptical of his story at first. He had a job and seemed ok, so I decided to go on a date with him and see how it went. A month later, we were living together. I moved from my parents’ home in La Jolla to a dumpy apartment in Pacific Beach and dropped out of college (I’d come home from UC Santa Cruz the summer before and decided not to go back due to homesickness. I was at San Diego State University.)

We’d met at the end of November 1991. We moved in together in January, and by that time I was already afraid to talk to my friends. I couldn’t go anywhere without him. I couldn’t dress the way I wanted. I was intimidated. He’d accuse me of cheating on him with my coworkers, so I got a job in a retail store where all my coworkers were female. He’d hang out outside to make sure I wasn’t sneaking anyone in to have sex with them in the back room on my breaks. I was afraid of him. By March, he was dealing drugs from our apartment, and kicked me out during a fight. Shortly thereafter he was evicted and we both moved to his parents’ house, where he began shoving me during fights. To be fair, I did often intentionally provoke him, out of frustration with the situation, and then dare him to hit me. Finally he took me up on the offer. I stopped provoking, as he’d start in for any or no reason by that point.

Hi drug activities escalated, and he became addicted to meth. His temper was explosive. I never knew when I’d be attacked, or for what reason. When he finally went to jail for his drug-related shenanigans, I got a job at a fast-food restaurant where his brothers and his sister-in law worked. So “they could keep an eye on me while he was gone.”

Eventually, he got out of jail, and the abuse continued. He was in and out of jail during the entire 2.5 years of the relationship. He got me two kittens in early 1993, and in December 1993 one of them died mysteriously of what I now believe to be poisoning. The other disappeared a month later, in January 1994. I am fairly certain he killed her while in a rage.

Finally, in June 1994, Nicole Simpson was killed. It was, of course, all over the news. At this time, Gabe was wanted by the FBI for shooting at the house of a guy who’d driven past my house. The FBI came knocking on my door looking for him (I was living with my parents again, after he kicked me out of his house during yet another fight.) The FBI visit scared me. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about ending the relationship. But I didn’t know how. And then we were talking one day in July 1994 about Nicole. He told me he thought OJ had a right to kill her. I was momentarily stunned silent. When I found words, I asked him to explain. He proceeded to tell me that if she’d ever loved him, she wouldn’t ever be with any other man, even after they were divorced, she’d “stay true to him” and not even have male friends. He said THAT was how a woman should show love, and that anything less, the man had a right to kill her. I was still in disbelief, and asked, “so you’re telling me that if we broke up, and 10 years from now you saw me with a male friend, you’d kill me?”

He responded, “I’d pull an OJ on your ass so fast you’d never know what hit you.”

I took off the rings he’d given me, and the bracelet, and calmly handed them to him. I asked him to please get out of my car. I told him it was over, and that I meant it. He cried, he begged, he said he didn’t mean it. I was like ice inside. I had to physically shove him out of the car. He tried to lock the door and stay in. We fought, and I opened the door and pushed him out. I drove away with him still trying to get back in. Thank god for automatic locks.

Little did I know my father had allowed the FBI to bug our phones, so he was arrested shortly after. A year later, I moved from San Diego to Washington. My entire family moved. I obtained a lifetime order of protection. It was going to be the standard 5 or 10 year order, until the judge heard that quote. At that point, he found that it was necessary to make it a lifetime order.

Periodically I check to be sure where he is. A year ago he was in jail for domestic assault. This year it’s burglary.

I feel a certain connection to Nicole, and a gratitude. I can’t imagine the pain her family has gone through. However, her death allowed me to live, and love, and truly thrive and maybe make this world a better place.

My life has changed, obviously. But the trial brought it all back. I needed to dump, to get it out so it’d stop eating me up. I haven’t been sleeping. Maybe this will help.

……

This was all written in 2006, nearly 8 years ago. So much in my life has changed since then, and I am an entirely different person from the one I wrote about above. But I think it’s important to remember and to tell the story, because it made me who I am today. And I kinda like that chick.

Fingers crossed for an uneventful jury duty 2014.

This was first posted to my private journals in 2006. It’s going to be very long.

The short version: I was juror #14 (second alternate) on the double-homicide trial for a man named Thomas Marshall. He was the defendant in the shootings that took place at the Southcenter Mall in 2005. For those who don’t remember the case or are not in the area, here is the link.

As an alternate, I did not end up deliberating, but I do agree with the decision that was made in the case. It was the same decision that I would have made, based on the evidence presented.

Day One

18th-Oct-2006 02:22 pm – JD: Testimony Day 1 – Tuesday October 10, 2006

This is a tough case. Shitty, in fact. News story links in previous post. It’s the South Center Mall shooting from a year ago.

Warning, this is long. I tried to cut out all the graphic stuff. You all don’t need to read the horror I saw and heard about.

We started the day with opening statements. The prosecution’s statement was fairly damning. She laid out all the evidence and it was fairly clear-cut. Double homicide, execution style, with a .380 in a car. What it appears is that this man was engaged in a drug deal with the two men in the front seats of the car.

Defense hinges on:

1. Where is ALL the blood
2. Where is the gun
3. Where is the motive?

Testimony starts.

As far as dealers go, they actually sounded like decent guys. I know that sounds weird. Ivan was a 16-year-old kid, and Felix was 30 and had just gotten married in Mexico and come across to find a better life. They were cousins. Sounds to me like they were making some “easy money.” Their other customers testified to them being polite and respectful, even going so far as “yes ma’am” and “no sir” – From my own experience with my ex, I know that there are in fact polite dealers out there who are in it for the money and nothing more. They don’t carry weapons, don’t threaten folks, and will let people slide a bit on payments if they’re “normally a good customer” – so I don’t doubt the similar stories told by their customers on the stand. What would they have to gain by lying? They’re not being paid to be there.

The witnesses. Ayeayeaye, the witnesses. A then-19 year old girl and her boyfriend returning from shopping at Nordstrom. She says they were in the store 10 minutes, he says an hour or two. Chalk that one up to perception of time, especially when doing something like shopping for shoes for her. He was obviously bored, she was thrilled to find the shoes she’d been looking all over town for, and the time was probably somewhere in between. I’d guess a half hour, 45 minutes they were there.

They walked out, started to get in their car and heard “a couple of sharp cracks” – she didn’t think much of it, he thinks it’s a gunshot, tells he to get in the car NOW. They get in, and he looks to the side, sees a wisp of “thin smoke” trailing upward from rear passenger side door of a car 8 or so spaces away. One car is parked next to the car with the smoke, between the victim’s car and the witness’s, but not blocking his line of vision. (Crime scene pictures show victims car straddling two spaces front and back, don’t know if it’s been moved, assuming not, but would account for direct line of sight if car was way forward in its space, into next space)

He looks and sees a man getting out of back of the car, from same place as smoke, and walk around back of car, calmly into the other car. He gets in, and pulls forward, driving away the wrong direction down the aisle. Male witness is careful to notice man’s appearance and try to remember every detail, as he has feeling he knows he’s just seen “something bad.” Girlfriend does not see man or smoke, just the car driving wrong way down the aisle. She gets good look at driver. She doesn’t know significance yet.

Male witness asks girlfriend to “look over there, are those people asleep or dead?” and she sees driver slumped over steering wheel, not moving at all. They decide to take a closer look, and drive up the aisle, in front of the car, and see two men and a lot of blood. They are obviously beyond help. They call 9-1-1.

There are more witnesses. I’ll spare the details.

Unfortunately for the defense, there WAS some blood in defendant’s car. It was found a few days later, is a rare car and the driver’s side was thoroughly cleaned.

Where is the gun? The defendant lives in Washington. There is more water here than most, if not any, states – he could’ve dropped it off a ferry into the Puget Sound. What are they gonna do, dredge the Sound? He could’ve dumped it anywhere along the way between Tukwila and his house in Gig Harbor. That’s a lot of shrubbery… And motive. The drugs in the car were left there, as was the money. This is where I have an issue. However, how much money or drugs were in the car to begin with? There wasn’t much left – some drugs, and a hundred dollars or so. They were UNDER the younger victim.

The defense attorney stated, “Why would a drug addict come in search of drugs and leave them behind?” and then she also stated “he was at the scene, sure, the blood shows that, but it doesn’t show he committed the crime.” Well, if he was at the scene, and went INTO THE CAR (had to in order to get the blood on him) then why, as an addict, would he not take the opportunity to take the drugs and GO? Maybe he took some, but not all…

Doesn’t make sense. But who knows WHY people do things. And it doesn’t ultimately matter, if the evidence shows he did it, WHY he did it. Just THAT he did. Or didn’t. Trying to keep the open mind.

We got a minimum of one (and as many as 6) of each and every thing on the list. They’ll be able to make multiple gift bags for multiple women from our $100 shopping.

Here is the list we were given as a wish list:
Gift or phone cards ($5 or $10)
Bus tickets
Collapsible umbrellas
Night eye masks and ear plugs to make shelter living easier
Fun pieces of jewelry
Toiletry items (deodorant, disposable razor, hair products (African American hair products always requested) tissues, chapstick)
Puzzle books with a pen or pencil(crossword puzzles, Sudoku)
Daily planners or pocket calendars, inspirational books or quotes
Hot tea, cider, or hot chocolate packets
Microwaveable popcorn, granola bars, or small bags of snacks
Throw Blankets

So many of these items are $1 at places like Target. It made it exceptionally easy.

Those of us who are lucky enough to have gifts to give and receive should all consider giving the equivalent of one extra gift (in cash or goods) to someone in need. Youth shelters need MASSIVE help right now. So do food banks. Don’t forget pet food for the animal shelters too. And if you have no money, give an hour of your time to help sort others’ donations. I promise you will be glad you did.

The ultimate gift to me would be for my whole family to spend a few hours together, helping to make someone else’s day a bit better. I think I’ll suggest it! Who’s joining me?

2010 has been a very difficult year, and I’m fairly glad to see it on its way out. It’s mostly been health issues – one on top of the next – that have made it so tough.

The good news is that Dad is still with us. He beat Pancreatic Cancer.

Wait. Let me say that bigger and louder. MY DAD SURVIVED PANCREATIC CANCER. He has NO evidence of the disease, and is in the “1% Club.” Someday it will come back, but at this time, he is cancer free. That’s the best you can ever hope for with PanCan.

The treatment was horrendous, and he ended up in the hospital a couple of times, but he fought and he won. He officially got a clean bill of health in about September after a 6-week intensive course of 24/7 chemo via a pump, plus daily radiation, plus weekly “big” chemo. This was after an entire year of weekly chemo. He was beaten down, they took him to within inches of death, and brought him back.

What was equally amazing were the number of people who helped. I put out a message on a local news site and asked for volunteer drivers to help him to get to/from treatment daily (30 minutes from home for a 5 minute radiation appt!) and we had dozens of volunteers. Had to weed out a few weirdos, but not too many.

And now, he’s just gotten his first haircut. He’s almost good as new – still has to limit certain types of foods, as his stomach can no longer digest them. He’s got a bit of digestive damage from all the treatment, but it’s better than the alternative. So we’re very thankful.

I’m just now getting over the worst stomach bug of my life. 7 days of nonstop vomiting and diarrhea that only stopped for a few hours at a time when I went in to the ER or to see my doctor and got injections and IV fluids. It began much like a foodborne illness: Severe GI pain up high in my stomach (under the ribs) and then nonstop vomiting with diarrhea. The number of times I couldn’t deal with both ends at the same time were absolutely humiliating. By the end I simply wanted to die. I finally started to pray as I was throwing up one of the last times “Please make this go away – I can’t live through another day or more of it.” Something worked, because it finally stopped on Thursday afternoon. I had to wait 48 hours to eat, meaning it had been well over 2 weeks of nothing but pedialyte and jello when I began to try solids again. Holy COW I was hungry. I lost 20+ pounds in that week, and I’m just lucky I had it to lose.

Anyway, that’s all the health stuff. Tomorrow is my first day back to work after being so sick, and I’m hoping I have the strength to make it through the day. I’m still physically very weak and can’t walk super far. But I’ll manage.

More updates on everything else later.If I still have any readers left. Sorry I abandoned you all. I didn’t mean to — life just went sideways for a bit. I’m back now, though, and will get to writing again shortly.

xoxo

Aim

1 package mushroom tortellini
1/2 cup dried mushrooms, chopped
1 can cannelini beans (or 2 c cooked white beans of any variety)
4 small tomatoes, seeded
1 head broccoli, chopped into bite-sized pieces
2 handsful frozen peas
1/2 cup cooked chicken, diced
1/2 onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 T butter
2 T flour, sifted
2 cups milk
6 oz cheese, cubed and divided into 3oz portions (use whatever cheese variety you have on hand)

Cook tortellini according to package directions.
While pasta is cooking, reconstitute mushrooms in warm water, and saute onion and garlic in butter until lightly browned. Sift flour over onion mixture and continue to cook on low-medium heat until flour has coated onions and begins to brown. Add milk, stirring frequently until mixture begins to thicken and then add half of the cheese mixture and allow to melt and incorporate entirely while stirring to make a thick cheese sauce.
Pour beans into oiled casserole dish with vegetables and chicken. Puree tomatoes in a blender or food processor and pour over bean and vegetable mixture.
Add tortellini once cooked, pour cheese sauce overtop, and fold ingredients together.
Sprinkle remaining cheese over top, and bake 30-45 min at 375.

This will be a fairly dry casserole. If you prefer it to be more saucy, throw in a can of cream of mushroom soup, or double the sauce recipe.