Aimless Small Potatoes

Teen Mom Seaon Premiere: Here For Boobs (from 7/5)

2011-07-06T01:09:00.000-04:00

I feel like it has been ages since I've blogged...and it certainly has been too long for us to be away from Farrah, Amber, Catelynn and Maci!

Maci kicks us off with a little recap on her breakup with Ryan and new relationship ups and downs with Kyle.

Maci is having money troubles because Ryan's child support has suddenly stopped. She calls the department for child services and says "This is Macy." I guess they are on a first name basis.

(Ok I know they just block out her last name on TV but what's the point? We all know its Bookout.)

She confronts Ryan about not getting child support. He says that it has automatically been coming out of her check. Maci believes him so they casually sit down and Ryan wants to ask Maci a question but he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Maci suggests that he just text her.

He texts her...from 3 feet away...and it says "Is Kyle slow???" Evidently lots of people were asking Ryan about that.

The answer is no, according to Maci. She forwards the text to Kyle and he's pissed. Duh.

Maci goes to lunch with her friend Keelie who may or may not have been in a fight or had some rough sex because she has a bruise on her arm that she tries to hide when she remembers.

Maci later discovers that her bank (named Maximus) screwed up so Ryan was telling the truth about the child support.

Farrah reviews last season with her crazy mom issues and tells us that she's in culinary school, waitressing and modeling.

She's going to further her career in waitressing by getting a boob job. Hooters, here comes Farrah!!!

Oh wait, its for the modeling. She says that the implants will be an investment for her and Sophia's future. Isn't that normally what strippers say? That their boobs are an investment?

She's at the plastic surgeon's office for a consult and has to fill out some paperwork.

On the form: Please list which part(s) of your body bothers you and why?

Farrah's answer: Here for Boobs.

I guess we should give her credit for using words. I was kinda expecting a sketch.

She's able to get a loan from the bank for her boobs. I wonder if she wrote "Here for boob money" on the application.

Back at home, Debra wants Farrah to write a will because she could die when getting her new boobs.

It's boob job day. Is it just me or does Farrah look like some sort of Muppet with that hair net cap on? I wonder if they will make her nose smaller while she's under anesthesia. Two for one! (Well I guess technically three for one).

During the commercial break, Farrah gets her boobs implanted.

Her dad comes to pick her up at the hospital. How weird is that? Obviously he's going to check out her chest. At home, he needs to help Farrah down the stairs so he leaves Sophia in the entry way with the door open. The camera guys can watch her. New boobs are more important.

Catelynn's review includes showing her dirty awful mom April who looks like she's in her 60s and reminding us about Butch being in jail.

Catelynn and Tyler fell behind in school and they didn't graduate. Now there is more stress when Catelynn discovers that her bedroom window was attempted to be pried open. They check Catelynn's little brother's room and his window was unlocked and open. Nothing was stolen so we can only assume that someone has broken in to take photos of this celebrity home.

It scares everyone so they are going to try to find a new place. Catelynn and Tyler are going to try to find a place together. She hasn't told her mother yet so to appease her friends she calls her immediately. She doesn't seem to care too much.

Train-Wreck is back and we get a flashback of her fights with Gary. She's still dating the creeper she met at WalMart (Chris). For some reason Gary still wants Amber back. Gary is no prize but he obviously deserves someone better than this chick.

Amber and Gary are going to see a professional to work on their issues. Basically she's cuddling on a couch at relationship counseling with her ex, while she's still in a relationship with another guy. During this session, Amber looks stoned.

Later when Gary is at Amber's place, she gets on the phone with her WalMart boyfriend and then just gets in her car and drives to his house. She is courteous enough to call Gary as she's driving away to let him know.

WalMart is devastated. No Teen Mom money for you, dude!

The Real Housewives of OC Reunion (from 6/12)

2011-06-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

I think Andy needs to skip the "hello's" to each indivudal person on the reunion shows. It's really awkward.

What kind of prude is Vicki that she doesn't use the word 'vagina'?

GREAT...we get to see flashbacks of Tamra and Ugly Eddie making whoopie in the tub. I actually feel pretty nauseated because I just ate.

Andy asks Tamra if her kids know Eddie. Tamra says that they don't know him well and that she's really strict with the fact that when she has the kids, they are at her house and when the kids are with Simon, she's with Eddie.

Alexis says what we're all thinking "Well they know Eddie now if they turn on the TV screen...in a bubble bath." THANK YOU Alexis. Even though I hate you.

Tamra asks what her point was. Um...I think she just made her point idiot.

Tamra thinks Gretchen is jealous of her hot man. I think Slade is slimy as hell and he's hotter than Ugly Eddie. Tamra is delusional.

Vicki's turn. Failed marriage scenes. At the reunion Vicki's skin looks TERRIBLE. She has so much makeup on and it looks shiny and bumpy.

Don was interviewed by Bravo and I'm totally on his side. Vicki treated him badly, ignored him, never came home and then the way he found out that Vicki wanted a divorce was when the process server showed up at his work. Bitch. I think Karma gave her that bad skin.

Well, at least she's taking responsibility for being cold to him. She says her lawyer told her that she needed to throw him a surprise party for the divorce. Ok not a party. But Don had to be surprised by the process server.

Alexis' scenes show her making that little speech about being made from her husbands rib. PLEASE have someone confront her about that ignorant shit.

Andy asks if Alexis would discourage her daughters from running for president when they got older. Alexis says she would want them to do whatever they want but she feels safer having a man run the country.

Hey Gretchen - please take your stiletto and stab her in the eye. Thanks.

I'm distracted by everyone's EXTREMELY shiny legs. Maybe it is the lighting because Peggy, Vicki and Tamra look like they've been soaking their legs in olive oil and Gretchen and Alexis' are dry and normal.

Regarding Alexis' house situation - she says that they sold their house and they are paying cash for a new one. Vicki and Tamra call bullshit because the bank wouldn't allow them to do a short sale if they knew they had other assets or other money to pay the difference in the mortgage to the bank. Alexis is a moron for even answering these things on TV.

Tamra says that Jim put the house in a business' name, filed bankruptcy on the business which stopped the foreclosure and short sold the house all the while having other money to buy a new place. Suddenly Tamra seems smart. For a minute.

WHAT? Gretchen had a song? It's terrible. Why do the housewives think they can become singers?

Gretchen points out that it is obvious while watching the show that Tamra can't stop talking about her or Alexis. If you look at the two couches you can tell why Tamra hates those two...they are MUCH prettier than she is. She's fine with Vicki and Peggy because they are beasts.

Tamra says she's been neutral the whole season and hasn't talked about Gretchen at all.

Again...Tamra is delusional. She has lost it. Well, I don't think she ever had it.

Tamra continues to tell Gretchen that she was sleeping with another guy while she was engaged to Jeff. I can't believe she can still just make these comments based on what she "heard" after the whole thing with Jeana happened. Shut your ugly fucking mouth Tamra!

End of Part 1

*******

I'm getting this all over with in one night!

Peggy discusses her depression. Andy asks Alexis if she knew about Peggy's post partum depression and Alexis says "Yes, I suffered from it too."

IS SHE SERIOUSLY GOING TO BE IN A COMPETITION ABOUT FUCKING DEPRESSION?

Everyone stops and looks at each other. Peggy says that Alexis only had it with the twins whereas she had it with both of her kids. Alexis claims that when she was talking to Peggy one day she was the one who told Peggy that maybe she has depression.

Why hasn't Gretchen stabbed her in the eye yet? Maybe Tamra will. I'll go "like" her on FB if she does that. And I hate Tamra.

Alexis wanted to get Peggy on the RH but then changed her mind when she realized she would be in competition with her. Alexis doesn't admit this, she just says that she didn't want to ruin their friendship so she never ended up submitting her name for casting. Apparently someone else did...

We know that Peggy dated Jim many years ago, before Alexis and Jim got together. Jim didn't tell Alexis until a couple of months before the season started filming. Peggy says that Jim told her that she NEVER wanted Alexis to find out about it. Mr. and Mrs. Never Keeping Secrets have some skeletons in the closet. And Mr Jim's skeleton has ugly fake lips and giant fake boobs.

Alexis now claims that it was Peggy's responsibility as her friend to come to her and tell her that she dated Jim. WHAT? So she thinks that Peggy should have told her and NOT Jim? She needs some counseling.

She can't believe that Peggy could look her in the eyes every day and not tell her. Maybe Alexis and Jim don't look at each other in their eyes? Because how can she even say this? JIM should have told her. JIM looked at her every day and never said anything. But wait, Jim is a saint. And a topless model.

Clips of Gretchen from this season really show her as a huge bitch. But Vicki and Tamra are consistently hypocritical so Gretchen still looks like the best one on the show.

Vicki thinks that Gretchen shouldn't have done the show in the first place because her fiance was dying. She should have made her relationship a priority and left the show. Gretchen says the same back to Vicki - that if her marriage was a priority and was clearly failing, SHE should have left the show. Vicki thinks this comparison is outrageous but I agree with her. Yes, sickness/death and divorce are two different things - but they are both serious life issues that should be dealt with in private and be priority number 1.

Vicki can't say SHIT.

Jeff wanted Gretchen to continue with the show and this causes Vicki and Tamra to roll their eyes.

Now there is a lot of arguing about Alexis' fashion show extravaganza when Vicki was in the hospital and Tamra spent the time texting and announcing that Vicki's ass is bleeding. Every single person except Andy are talking over each other so we cannot hear a full sentence. I almost want to mute it.

Slade is getting his own section on the reunion. He's been on the show as long as Vicki since he dated a few past housewives.

Tamra announces that Slade's son's mother (Michelle) called her the day before the reunion. Slade says that Michelle told him Tamra called HER, basically fishing for information. Tamra claims that's a lie and then yells out that Slade doesn't pay his child support. She somehow thinks she knows everyone's personal and financial business.

Tamra doesn't want to listen to Slade say negative things about her so she walks off set. She thinks she knows what is going on in Slade's life because of his Twitter updates.

Backstage Tamra calls Michelle on her cell and puts her on speakerphone. It TOTALLY sounds like Bravo has chopped up this conversation to make Slade look worse.

Does anyone else think that Tamra called a fake "Michelle"?

Back on stage Tamra keeps insisting that Slade is broke and doesn't have a job even though he and Gretchen say he does. It's just not what it used to be. The sad thing here is that I believe Slade and Gretchen - but only because I hate Tamra so much that I want to disagree with her.

Jeana's here. She's living with her new boyfriend and she's still not officially divorced from her husband. Who cares?

We see the clips from the party when Tamra confronted Jeana. Of course - no where in those clips did they show Jeana pushing Tamra (like she claimed).

Jeana makes a good point about how Tamra made a big deal about putting Simon in jail because he threw something at her because her kids should know that it is NOT ok to throw things at people. Yet in the final episode she threw a piece of paper and a glass of wine at Jeana.

Tamra just meant to say "cease and desist" but she said "ciss and asseese".

During the wrap up "what did you learn from this season" Alexis decides to talk about how she just got a text from Jim because she sent him one asking about Peggy. Jim told her that Peggy was lying and that she went crazy and broke into his place. If that was truly the case, WHY would Jim "allow" Alexis to hang out with Peggy. Bullshit.

The Real Housewives of NYC: Santa Does Henna (from 6/9)

2011-06-10T00:55:00.001-04:00

We begin where we left off - Jill and Ramona's "fight" with both of them crying. LuMann and Kelly join Jill to discuss what happened.

Cindy pokes in and tells her it isn't worth it. Not sure why people thought it was worth being her friend before this.

Downstairs Ramona is crying with Alex comforting her. Sonja stands there with a leopard scarf around her neck that drags on the floor - someone could choke her if they stepped on it. When LuMann comes in she asks Ramona why she's causing trouble and Alex shoos her away to get Ramona some Pino Grigiot. There must be some in a box under Ramona's bed.

Everyone feels the need to come in and talk to Ramona about the situation. Just mind your own fucking business everyone! Ugh.

Everyone goes out to dinner. A belly dancer is flinging herself around the restaurant. For some reason Ramona is treating her like a stripper and putting money in the dancer's waistband. This whole thing is embarrassing. Now Alex and Ramona get up and dance with one of the belly dancers. Oh my goodness I would leave.

The next day Jill, Alex, Sonja, Cindy and Kelly go somewhere to get some historical tour. Jill asks a million questions. This is boring.

Later on Alex checks in with Ramona to see how she is doing after the fight with Jill. Ramona is "crying" on a chaise lounge outside. Alex promises to be Ramona's wingman tonight.

LuMann, Kelly and Cindy get henna tattoos. Ramona and Sonja are upstairs in their rooms.

Well - because we had some thunderstorms tonight, my Direct TV obviously got a little messed up because suddenly I was on a commercial and now we are back and Kelly is telling Alex that she's being weird. Alex has the worst timing ever.

It looks like Alex came downstairs to defend Ramona. She says that Ramona asked her to protect her from LuMann. Holy cripes. If Ramona really said that - Alex isn't supposed to repeat it. What an idiot.

Kelly keeps telling her to stop and to just stay out of it but for some reason Alex thinks that during this Moroccan vacation while the ladies are getting henna done is the perfect time to discuss drama.

Kelly walks away talking to herself calling Alex an idiot and she's stupid. She says something about Alex's scarf. It's equally as weird as Alex's ranting. Somehow Kelly's tattoo is ruined and she blames it on Alex. She comes back in and tells Alex that this is not normal behavior. (I think there is a mirror over there Kelly...take a look.) At one point she exclaims to herself "Who's going to fix my tattoo? Santa?"

They go outside and Kelly just shhsshhs Alex over and over again. Alex is shouting and has hives all over her neck and chest. Kelly actually calms her down and tells her that sometimes it is better to observe and not participate in chaotic situations. When the fuck did Kelly become the voice of reason??? If she hadn't said Santa would fix her henna tattoo and would just stop saying the word "weird" in every single sentence I would almost consider her borderline somewhat a teeny bit normal.

Sonja tells Ramona that she snuck a peek at the dresses that were made by the designer for them. Ramona wants to sneak and look at it too. Ramona actually tries hers on over her clothes. She doesn't seem to like it so she tries on another. None of this seems like a good idea. They run back to their room, Alex joins them and they discuss the events.

Downstairs, Jill, LuMann, Cindy and Kelly are sitting down for dinner. Apparently Alex and Ramona asked for dinner to be sent to their rooms instead but they told the kitchen this and not the ladies. LuMann and Kelly again say that Alex was acting weird and dark. Damn - I can't believe Direct TV cut off Demon Alex. Can anyone tell me what happened? I will watch "Watch What Happens Live" after this so maybe Andy will show a clip.

Alex suddenly shows up looking shocked that dinner is happening. LuMann says the kitchen is closed so Alex can just have the salad that is already on the table. Alex says she wasn't told about the 8:00 dinner but LuMann thinks she did and says that because she has an education, she should know that telling LuMann that she wasn't coming to dinner was the right thing to do. Oh yes, I learned about that in my Dinner Etiquette in Morocco with Annoying Bitches 101 class.

Apparently LuMann got her Masters Degree at Condescending University. She says to Alex "You started it, not me." Did I just see her stick her tongue out? Alex continues to talk on and on and Kelly leads her out of the room telling her that she's saving her. Kelly has a Bachelor's Degree from CU.

Kim Zolciak should step in and start singing "Tardy for the Party."

Ramona and Sonja burst into the room later (I don't know how much later than 8pm) and Ramona asks what is for dinner. LuMann says "What dinner?" It's already done and they had their sent to their room. Or they had wine sent to their room - I guess that is the same thing to Ramona and Sonja...dinner=wine.

Ramona said that the wine was a 5:00 snack and everyone keeps calling each other "darling." For those who didn't graduate from Condescending U, they must be taking evening courses.

Sonja walks away quietly and Ramona seems to wander around trying to find the exit. LuMann gets up to storm off. Oh wait, Ramona comes back with plates full of the "snacks" she was talking about.

It seems as though no one knew when dinner was except LuMann, Kelly and Cindy. Jill had shown up earlier but was gone the whole time finding Diet Coke? She comes in the room at the end and says that she's starving. Where has she been?

Ramona pulls the apology "I'm sorry you feel hurt." That's not an apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you" is an apology.

Oh - it's 9:30pm. Why didn't someone just call up to their room or go and get them? They waited an hour and a half because maybe some food was sent to their rooms earlier in the day?

The next day is packing day. Jill and Ramona talk again. It is a much calmer situation. They say they will let bygones by bygones and try to be more sensitive to each other's feelings. We'll see.

Back in NYC Mario and Simon are out playing pool. Some woman joins them and Simon takes a picture of Mario posing with her. Bad timing there, probably.

Belly dancing. Ramona in a bikini top. Enough said.

It is the night for the ladies to wear their designer dresses. They get their makeup done. They actually all look really great.

LuMann wants to everyone to say their favorite part of the trip and Alex starts going on and on about feelings. For some reason LuMann keeps saying "yahabibi".

The Real Housewives of OC: Season Finale (from 6/5)

2011-06-08T00:26:00.000-04:00

Vicki had been hospitalized from ulcers in her colon. She got out of the hospital and filed for divorce. She's been crying for a while and for some reason during this entire first scene she just keeps rubbing her eyes over and over with her fingers, tissues or something else. Gross, stop rubbing your eyes!!

Since she had already planned a "fall party" months ago, she's still going to put it on. Fucking idiot. But maybe it's in her Real Housewives contract. They need a big party at the end of the season for dramatic reasons.

Tamra is annoyed with Eddie as he tries to pick out an ugly shirt. But really she's just stressing about seeing Jeana at Vicki's party. Apparently she talked to the press and told them she witnessed Tamra hitting Simon. She continues to bitch and talk about it to Eddie and I feel like he wants to bash her over the head...I certainly do.

Gretchen wants Slade to go to Vicki's party and I don't blame him for not wanting to do so. Not only because they all talk shit about him but he makes a good point that Vicki always wanted to pass judgement on others' relationships and here she is going through a divorce.

Alexis has forgiven Vicki for bleeding out of her ass and missing the Alexis Couture party. She's getting dressed to head to the party. For some reason Alexis has invited four of her friends. We know Jim isn't going since he hates everyone.

I have to repeat word-for-word what I just heard come out of Alexis' mouth.

"The problem with liberal America today is that this is the decade of being so liberal and women being able to run for president, women being able to do everything their man can do and excuse me, but I am a woman and I'm made from my husband's rib. I want to be the wife and be his baby and his cherish what he cherishes."

Oh yes Alexis...it is SUCH a problem that us women can actually do everything a man can. I am NOT made from anyone's fucking rib.

Please tell me all of you want to shove her head into her oven like I do.

Tamra is pissed that Vicki didn't tell her that she filed for divorce and that she had to read about it on the internet. Because it is ALL about you Tamra. She has a letter from her lawyer to give to Jeana at the party about not talking to the press anymore. Eddie wants to throw her out the window of the limo.

Gross...when someone brings oysters over to Peggy, Eddie and some woman, Peggy says "Oysters...ooooh so we get horny?" No one should ever say the word horny. I hate it. But coming from Peggy it's even worse.

Oh wait...much worse coming. Eddie says "No, me get horny...you get the benefit." I think my vagina just dried up forever.

Meanwhile inside, Tamra is talking to Vicki about the divorce situation and I can't get past the fact that she's wearing about 12 pounds of makeup.

For some reason when Vicki starts to cry Tamra's response is to yell at her and tell her to play with her boobs. I'd hate to see her at a funeral.

On orders from Tamra, Peggy spreads the word to everyone at the party to not mention Don. Awkward.

Peggy decides to confront Alexis about the lip comment in the limo while they were in Texas. Alexis' dumbass doesn't actually "get" that Peggy is confronting her about being the asshole that she's been over the last few weeks. She actually thinks it is about plastic surgery.

They keep calling each other 'honey' and Alexis tells Peggy that she's not "allowed" to talk about her husband. This is the worst most boring argument ever.

Apparently Peggy agrees with me because that wasn't enough drama for her. She confronts Jeana about saying things to the press about Tamra. They pull Tamra over. Jeana says the press twisted her words.

Tamra just keeps saying "really, really, really?" Then she suddenly grew balls and starts pointing her finger at Jeana and yelling at her.

What's up with Quinn's terrible wig?

Tamra throws her letter from her lawyer into Jeana's face. Jeana threatens to throw her in the pool. (Time to work on your comebacks Jeana).

Tamra calls her a bitch and throws her wine directly into Jeana's eyes.

Jeana throws hers but since she's obviously blinded by the alcohol, the drink just hits some other chick in a blue dress. I was wondering why they actually "introduced" this girl earlier in the episode - its because SHE is the one who pushes Jeana from behind.

Less than a minute later, Jeana's man-boy throws his drink at the girl in the blue dress.

Tamra is no where to be found. Her balls disappeared.

Oh wait - she's out front in the driveway wearing no shoes. She tells Vicki that Jeana tried to throw her in the pool and that's why she threw the drink in her face.

The blue dress bitch suddenly asks Quinn if she can borrow her wig because Jeana got her hair wet. Who is this fucking chick?

Alexis talks to Tamra and she says that she doesn't get into the press and that she doesn't read. Big surprise. She probably thinks that she's not allowed to read because her husband does all the reading. Tamra says that Jeana pushed her and that's why she threw her drink. Is she THAT fucking stupid? There are cameras on you!

Gretchen basically tells Tamra that she did the same thing to her that Jeana did. Talked to the press about things that she didn't know anything about. Karma's a bitch.

The Real Housewives of NYC (from 6/2)

2011-06-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

Oh yes, we left off when the psychic told Ramona that there was another woman. Both Kelly and LuMann are translating for Ramona and I can't believe I actually like Kelly right now. LuMann keeps "shhsshhing" Kelly because she doesn't like that she's translating while LuMann is trying to interpret what the woman is saying.

Ramona is in denial of any kind of other woman. Of course she does because she's so full of herself. But also because this is a psychic. Who the hell is going to listen to some psychic in Morocco about your life at home in the NYC?

Brad's friend pulls Ramona aside and tells her not to take things personally. Ramona says she knows lots of women hit on Mario, even LuMann the first time she met him.

Over in another conversation Jill says that she's heard from her "crowd" that Mario is cheating on Ramona. And she only brings this up to the ladies after a psychic does? What a bitch!

While farting, Sonja is crying and making it sound like she knows about Mario cheating. She's worried that Ramona is going to be separating from Mario. Do people actually leave their spouses based on what a psychic says??

The next day (?) the ladies are taking a van to go shopping. LuMann needs to run to the bathroom so she tells Sonja to save her seat for her in the front of the van. When Cindy gets in 30 seconds or so later, Sonja tells her she's saving her seat for her and Cindy is just not having it. For some reason Kelly forfeits her seat and leaves the van. Looks like they are traveling separately.

Sonja is worried that her money will be stolen - but she's dressed like a "rich American" according to Jill. She should be wearing a fanny pack in order to look like someone from whom people won't steal.

Yes...Jill is wearing a fanny pack.

Cindy confronts Sonja about her saving the seat in the van. Sonja is appalled. I used to love Sonja but she's going downhill quickly. Cindy is overreacting a little and I seriously wish I could put some duct tape over everyone's mouth right now except Kelly. I'm SHOCKED at myself for saying that.

Camel toe time. I mean...camel riding time. Sonja is scared to ride because she fell off the horse with Kelly a few weeks ago. But Alex thinks that something else is going on with her. I have no idea what kind of clues she's getting from her refusal to ride a camel. Sonja walks next to them.

LuMann's camel tries to buck her off several times. In the previews they made it seem like she was thrown off but this unfortunately did not happen. LuMann gets off and one of the guides has to walk with it and it is almost throwing him on the ground.

At the end of the camel ride they all have dinner and drinks in a large tent in the middle of the desert. They are playing a "game" where they tell everyone something that they don't know about each other. Everyone's is pretty boring but somewhat upbeat. Alex decided to tell them that her father died when she was 11 years old. Sonja tells them about all of her hobbies like taking baths and yoga.

Sonja talks about her fears of traveling to Morocco and everyone just tries to talk over each other. Cindy is finally fed up and she walks out. Of course, then everyone except LuMann and Kelly follow her outside and they all talk over each other out there. Jill and Ramona start hugging for some reason.

The next day some of the ladies have diarrhea. This is more than I've ever needed to know about the Real Housewives. To make things worse, Sonja says that Ramona has blown up her room. Gross.

Everyone goes to some sort of spa. Kelly informs us that the scrub rub-down happens everywhere on the body. Gross.

I'm so bored with this Morocco trip, especially finding out that LuMann did NOT fall off a camel.

Jill and Ramona decide to have a talk about their fight later on at the resort. Ramona tells Jill that she's two-faced. Ramona brings up lots of little comments that Jill has said, stupid jokes that Ramona takes too seriously.

They continue to talk over each other. I want to rip the ears off my head but I'm afraid that I would still hear them.

Jill jumps up and starts screaming at Ramona. Ramona doesn't doesn't want to hear anything Jill is saying. Jill tells Ramona that unless she apologizes to her they can never be friends. This still has something to do with the St. John trip and Jill's falling out with Bethenny.

Jill asks where her nice friend Ramona is and tells her that she's changed. Ramona comes back with the very adult "You've changed...everyone says it." I think she's going to put her thumbs against her temples and start waving her fingers saying "Neener neener neener!"

They end the conversation and they both cry.

Next week looks a little more interesting...lets hope so.

Sorry - late on 16 & Pregnant Recap

2011-06-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

I remembered the previews were boring so I wasn't jumping at the chance to watch and recap last night. But I will do it tonight. I heard it was boring so hopefully there is something of which I can make fun!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (from 5/30)

2011-05-31T00:55:00.000-04:00

Kathy is telling her husband Rich about what happened at the fashion show. She doesn't think she did anything wrong by confronting Teresa. Well of course not, no one thinks they are wrong on this show. She wants to speak with Caroline about it...maybe she's afraid.

She sets a date and goes to Caroline's house with a godawful basket and giant bouquet flowers. She begins to basically apologize and explain herself. Caroline clearly doesn't give a shit but she does back Teresa up a little bit and says that she felt bad for Teresa when she heard what was going on (when Kathy attacked Teresa's parenting).

Kathy grows some balls right before our eyes and says that she was upset with Caroline with the way she came in and made a judgement call. Hello??? It was Caroline's family's place of business. Of course she is going to tell people to calm down and take it elsewhere.

In interview Kathy is saying that she is a grown woman and she doesn't need anyone's approval or to win a friendship. The giant bouquet of flowers says differently.

At home, Rich feels bad for the way that Teresa treated his wife so he buys her a brand new car.

Caroline's sons are moving into their new apartment. Jacqueline has given them a couch for their new place and also...a stripper pole. Why did Jacqueline have a stripper pole??

Caroline is carrying the pole into the apartment and she says "This thing is going to make me throw up, that's all I know. It's choking me and it's itchy."

TOTALLY thought she was talking about the pole...but it's the feather boa around her neck.

Teresa is writing her second cook book and is having photos taken of the food. She's talking to a couple of people at the shoot and asking how they like the recipes. One says she likes it because there aren't any fancy ingredients. This is when Teresa says that in lots of cookbooks she read there were so many "ingredientses".

Yeah, we know what's going in their heads here.

For some reason at the photo shoot Teresa talks to her husband on speakerphone. He ran into her brother at the gym and the two of them talk about it, making everyone in the room uncomfortable. The photographer is thinking "Get the fuck off the phone and pay attention!"

Another day, Teresa, Caroline (with strangely slicked back wet hair) and Jacqueline go to a friend of Kim D's (the Posche owner) place to look at her clothes and see what they want before the new season's stuff comes out. Teresa tells the friend (Cynthia) that she used to be in the fashion industry too. She worked at Macy's. Oooh oooh...I used to be an opthamologist. I was a receptionist at an eye doctor's office.

Kim points out that now Teresa's job is taking care of four kids and Teresa throws in "And I'm an author." Oooh oooh...I used to be a journalist. I wrote a letter to the editor once.

Kim says "That's right. Writing her lil' recipes." Where did this condescention come from? Maybe she's becoming BFFs with Melissa.

Caroline and her wet head also becomes condescending with Teresa when she brings up Kathy visiting her. I sort of don't blame her because Teresa won't let Caroline finish a thought and she keeps throwing out there what "happened" at the fashion show. Caroline just wants her to listen. She gets through one complete sentence and Teresa starts yapping again.

Teresa explains that she has tried to get in touch with her brother via his best friend but that she has four kids, she doesn't have TIME to be chasing her brother around. She says this as she's standing in a store with a glass of champagne in the afternoon with friends gossiping.

Caroline suggests that Teresa write a letter because there is obviously an issue with communication. Teresa says "Not on my end." She's not listening again. If anyone has an issue with communication it's Teresa. Caroline looks like she's ready to strangle her.

At the Gorga household Joe comes home and isn't really talking to Melissa because she hasn't given him sex for a few days. She was tired from the fashion show and Joe thinks she needs to wake up to have sex with him. After she cooks, cleans and irons his clothes.

As they are eating together (just the two of them), their daughter comes in the room to tell them that Gino (her brother) spilled some water. Are they not eating in the same room? The kids have to eat separately?

Joe calls their daughter a cock block - well, Melissa says "blocker" but we all know that's what he says. He says that not having sex basically builds up "poison" in his system. Great. Now all I can hear is the guy on Howard Stern saying "Release the poison" to the girl on the Sybian.

Jacqueline is visiting a psychic. The psychic tells her that Ashley is very emotional right now and it is like she has constant PMS. Well, damn...I watched last season too so can you call me a psychic? I predict that Ashley will act like a spoiled brat who wants everything handed to her. That will be $400.

She also brings up Teresa and her family issues. She's clearly in the NJ gossip ring.

Another day, Teresa goes to Jacqueline's house to go through the letter that she's written to her brother per Caroline's advice. She "wrote" a rough draft on her bedazzled phone. If Solid Gold was still on the air, the dancers would have that phone.

She doesn't mention Melissa at all in the letter. Teresa feels that she's up to this point with them BECAUSE of Melissa. Jacqueline thinks she needs to mention her and take some responsibility but we all know Teresa isn't going to do that. She isn't listening to Jacqueline, in fact - she's rummaging through her purse as Jacqueline tries to give her advice.

Oh...she's looking for her phone because apparently it was ringing. She doesn't say anything to Jacqueline and just answers it. Ironically enough, as she was looking for her phone Jacqueline had been saying something about Teresa being self absorbed.

Teresa says that none of this is her fault and that it is hard to write this letter with Jacqueline because it has nothing to do with her. Oh Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. There is nothing going on in that little head of yours, is there?

Eventually Jacqueline lays on the couch with her son and Teresa frantically writes on shitloads of paper on the table.

It seems like it has taken all day and I feel bad for Jacqueline. She tells her that she's made the same point several times but Teresa just keeps writing, ending her note with the ever so passive aggressive "Your only sister, Teresa."

On the way to deliver the letter she says "I hope my brother changes...yada yada yada...he can't try to change me. I don't want to change him." When Jacqueline points this out she just gets a dirty look.

She leaves the letter on the door.

When Melissa and Joe get home, Joe makes Melissa read the letter out loud to him. Melissa wants him to talk to her and work things out. Joe doesn't want to make peace with the "new Teresa".

Next week is Thanksgiving. Mmm...turkey...and apparently lasagna with not fancy ingredientses like "come-in".

The Real Housewives of NYC: Stop Saying Hangers (from 5/26)

2011-05-28T00:13:00.000-04:00

Kelly, Jill, Cindy and LuMann are on their way to Morocco and LuMann is teaching some Arabic words. She's so condescending "Darling.....darling....."

The place they are staying is AMAZING and looks so peaceful - too bad three of the most annoying voices in NYC are staying there. LuMann, Jill and Ramona.

Ramona, Sonja and Alex are flying separately and will show up the next day. Ramona is still afraid that she's going to be staying in some kind of hostel and she won't have white sheets and her Pinot Grigio at all times.

At the airport, Alex is pushing some sort of space station full of space age luggage.

On the way to their place, Ramona is freaking out a little because of the dust and you know...the poverty. She and Sonja are being so offensive talking to each other about how they are a bit scared. The van driver should just drop them off...at least Alex has the decency to tell us in interview that she was apalled by them.

Once they arrive, Sonja is scared that someone is going to steal her luggage from the van. While they are inside having snacks and drinks Sonja goes outside to double check on her luggage. She doesn't want her hats stolen.

Ramona needs help unpacking. I think she brought her entire wardrobe including some very inappropriate outfits. Inappropriate for Morocco but also for her age. She has a shitload of jewelry with her, on stands and everything. I think she plans to sell it to the staff.

She brought some specific shorts for "camel riding". I think she's confused with "camel toe".

While the woman that works there is helping to unpack, Ramona is talking to Sonja and lifting weights. Then they start pretending to belly dance. The woman is behind them working her ass off.

How is it that I like Kelly and LuMann better than Ramona and Sonja right now?

Cindy comes inside to her room and thinks that someone stole her hangers. Ramona "requested" 40 hangers...FORTY HANGERS??? You need 40 fucking hangers for a vacation?

Anyway, Cindy is pissed because she's assuming Ramona took them. LuMann gathers up like 15 of them to bring them to Ramona just in case.

Ramona and Sonja head out for a ride in the van to relax instead of joining the ladies for lunch. Good thing because LuMann, Kelly, Cindy and Jill need to gossip about them. Kelly says that Sonja lives in an awful place that is messy. LuMann is actually defending Sonja.

A bit later, the four of them head out shopping and Jill runs into her friend Brad and some woman that she knows. Who runs into friends in Morocco? It is Brad's birthday and they are having a party for him. How convenient! Also convenient - Brad hates Ramona.

Back at the resort, LuMann tries to invite Ramona and Sonja downstairs to let them in on the plan to go to Brad's party but they are busy acting drunk and trying on clothes with no underwear. Sonja says she didn't even pack any.

They eventually come downstairs and LuMann has a surprise for them. The most famous designer in Morocco is there. He designs kaftans, gowns, etc. Ramona announces that she needs something sexy because she doesn't like the "kaftan look"...as she insults most of the women in the room and in Morocco.

She's paranoid that the designer didn't write her name down on the photo of the dress she wants so she stalks him and makes sure even though he only speaks French.

Once he starts measuring Ramona she makes sure to tell him that she wants to show cleavage. You know who I feel bad for? Avery...her daughter.

When someone decides that a log needs to be put in the fire, Ramona suggests that the designer do it. Then she and Sonja say "We need one of those ding-dings"...um...a bell? Imagine if you worked at this place and Ramona and Sonja had a BELL to call for you when they needed you to do something?

DING DING DING "I need an extra pillow!"
DING DING DING "Pinio Grigio, NOW!"
DING DING DING "I just pooped, can you wipe my butt? I'm not used to having to do all of these things myself."

Party time. Brad supposedly hates Sonja but he gives her a kiss on the cheek and tells her how great she looks.

LuMann points out the buffet but she says it like Phoebe Buffet (Boo-fay).

Ramona is texting on her pink phone waiting for her Pinot. I'm surprised she didn't bring her own box full of Ramona kind to try sell to everyone and then drink it all.

A guy is about to make out with a rattlesnake.

Afterwards when it is slithering on the floor it has a big line of drool coming out of its mouth. Sonja wonders if it is venom or semen. How are these women going to last this whole vacation with Ramona and Sonja?

The ladies all sit with a psychic and she tells them that Ramona's husband has "another woman.

Apparently all of the good stuff we saw in the commercials happen in the next few episodes because tonight was pretty uneventful. But it sounds like this episode set the scene for Ramona/Sonja hijinks.

16 & Pregnant: Kayla (from 5/24)

2011-05-25T22:41:00.001-04:00

In the opening scene 6 month pregnant Kayla and her friends are in bikinis and mini-shorts playing volleyball. Supposedly they are seniors in high school. I think maybe this girl got some implants for her Sweet 16.

If those are real - I'm jealous.

When Kayla was 13 she was diagnosed with anorexia and was hospitalized. She is having a hard time with gaining weight during her pregnancy.

Kayla's mom let her boyfriend Mike move in with them. Good thing because prior to that they were 'doing it' on his 101 Dalmation bed sheets. That's just creepy that a baby was conceived on top of some Disney dogs.

Kayla's mom is Deb and she was also a teen mom. Really? That never happens.

Deb takes off with her boyfriend a lot, leaving Kayla at home. Apparently she's only started doing this once Kayla got pregnant. Because you know...that's what you do when your daughter follows in your footsteps and needs you more than ever...abandon her.

Mike quit college to work at Aeropostale so he's gone a lot, too.

Kayla skips meals sometimes because she thinks she's getting fat. She had told her mother that she wanted to see a dietician to get a meal plan to follow (which is really smart) but her mother hasn't done a thing.

She and her friends go to the beach and Kayla doesn't want to take her shirt off because she doesn't want everyone looking at her. I think the MTV camera crew might have something to do with people staring.

Deb doesn't give Kayla any advice about getting prepared for the baby (nursery, necessities, etc.). Mike suggests that they go and price things out. Kayla doesn't seem to know anything about baby gear - I really wish that MTV would give them a complimentary copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting before they start filming. Or call Rosie Pope...

Deb agrees to have dinner with her daughter. Kayla asks her to help her out a bit and just be there for her and give her advice since she knows nothing. Deb says she will try to be around more...but when they are putting together the crib one of her questions to her is "Are you worried about going back to school looking heavy?" WHO SAYS THAT? To anyone? Nevermind someone with an eating disorder!

Kayla has gained 12 pounds and she's 31 weeks pregnant so she's worried that she gained too much. She tells her mother that she looks at herself in the mirror and cries. Instead of showing concern, Deb asks "Do you just look at your stomach or do you look at everything?" This is the question you ask lady??? When Kayla says she looks at everything including her stretch marks Deb says "You have stretch marks?" almost like she's grossed out.

Deb does tell her that she will take the first week off from work to help take care of the baby.

I just realized that Kayla's baby daddy and Deb's boyfriend have the same name. Baby daddy Mike is taking off to visit his parents because Deb wants to have a "girls night out" with her daughter. An hour later, Deb tells Kayla that plans changed and she got some free tickets to go to a baseball game so she and her Mike are going.

Kayla is hurt that she didn't invite her and Deb's response is to walk away. Later Kayla calls her mother to let her know how hurt she is and Deb says "I have a life too" and that "You're 17 years old, you do not have to be occupied by your mom 24/7."

This fucking bitch basically abandons her daughter when she needs her most and tells Kayla that they both need to make changes as Kayla cries to her, basically pleading for her to be a mother.

This girl is alone most of the time and she's so afraid of gaining more weight that she doesn't eat all day and has to force herself to eat something. Her friends come over to do a belly cast and she starts getting dizzy and suddenly can't see. Her friends care much more about her than her mother does - they tell her they will make her food to eat and then one talks to her doctor for her.

When she tells the doctor that Kayla has pressure around her head and eyes the doctor tells her to get her to Labor & Delivery immediately. Her friend starts crying because she's scared and I want to cry because I am pissed that Deb isn't around.

Once in the hospital she's having some contractions and they are giving her fluids through an IV. They discharge her after she's doing better and they tell her she needs to eat and drink more. Luckily her friends care and they give her more advice at dinner than her mom has the entire pregnancy.

Deb (probably reluctantly) agrees to go to the nutritionist with her daughter and sits there looking bored.

When the nutritionist suggests that Kayla eat meals with her mother, Deb says that she thinks that Kayla will restrict food when people are around and that she'd do better eating alone. Yes because eating in secret is the best thing for a pregnant anorexic. Is she really THAT stupid or does she not give a shit at all about her daughter and grandson?

Two weeks after the nutritionist told Deb that she needs to be eating meals with Kayla but nothing has changed. We see a text message between the two of them:

If that picture is blurry, it says: Me: I'm hungry. Are we eating dinner? Mom: I'm not hungry so you're on your own."

I can't believe this woman. I imagine that this is what Jenelle will grow up to be. Baby daddy Mike tries to take care of Kayla by getting her to eat but he isn't all that successful.

I FUCKING HATE DEB. This girl needs a mother more than any pregnant teen in previous episodes and her mother basically has abandoned her.

Side note: I think Kayla is friends with a Lohan, a sober one:

No? Does she not look like a Lohan here?

Everyone on 16 & Pregnant has their baby shower like 3 days before their due date. I was due 5/22/10 and I had my shower on the last Sunday in March. I was paranoid about not being ready. Also - Kayla isn't the first one that I've seen painting the baby's room. Was I just making shit up to get out of painting when I told my husband that I couldn't inhale the paint fumes while I was pregnant?

Even though Kayla is in her 40th week, her mom is still spending most of her time with her boyfriend. One night Kayla wakes up because she feels "leaking" and cramping. She's scared so she goes to wake up her mother and her mother tells her to LAY DOWN AND SEE IF YOU FEEL BETTER. She thinks that maybe she's having cramping because she just got out of the shower.

There are no words.

Mike and Kayla leave to go to the hospital without telling her since she obviously doesn't care. On the way Mike tells Kayla that she could have 24 hours of pushing. I laughed out loud at that one. Imagine 24 hours of pushing? I did 2 1/2 hours and it felt like I had just ran a marathon and then pooped out a pumpkin.

Kayla says that you only push for the last second. I laughed out loud again.

At the hospital they confirm that her water broke so she's not leaving until she has the baby. She isn't dilating enough and after 23 hours she's only about 5 centimeters so she needs a C-section. I think this is the first time the camera crew was allowed in the room and they showed them pull the baby out. I hope that scared some teens that wanted to get pregnant to be on MTV.

Preston is really cute and weighed over 8 lbs which surprised me because of her eating disorder.

On the way home I'm left wondering if Mike decided to grow a "molestache" because he thinks that dads need to have facial hair. I hope he shaves soon because someone might think he's a sexual predator.

Once home, Deb actually cooks dinner for everyone. Her boyfriend is there and hasn't said a word.

Deb asks how Kayla feels about doing this all alone with no help. Kayla is surprised by this question since she was supposed to take time off to help out. But nope...Deb's going back to work and thinks that Kayla will be just fine.

Luckily this baby daddy Mike is actually helpful, even in the middle of the night. Kayla was breastfeeding/pumping but she's not producing a lot of milk because she's not eating enough so they have to supplement with formula.

For people that supposedly have no money, they go out to eat a lot and baby Preston is decked out in Adidas.

Surprisingly, they bring they actually acknowledge that they go out to eat a lot. And just in time because now Deb wants $300 a month from them for rent. She says that they probably feel like crap because they don't pay for anything.

Kayla mentions that Mike pays for everything for Preston and for her (I guess as far as food, groceries and diapers). But Deb thinks it is only fair that they contribute. I think that Deb is trying to make money off of her daughter.

Mike can't start working full time because then Kayla wouldn't be able to go back to school. But her daughter getting her diploma obviously means nothing to Deb and she repeats that they need to pay $300 a month. BITCH. Seriously, she didn't bring this up BEFORE so that they could come up with some sort of plan? No - she told them that as long as they took care of Preston then they didn't have to pay rent. But now that the baby is 2 weeks old she says "fuck them!!"

Even though they only have $60 left to buy baby supplies, they choose Pampers which are the most expensive diaper even though the Target brand is right there in front of them.

Kayla's very far behind in her homework. While out to eat with her friends (I hope they paid) her friend Cynthia says "It's kind of like dumb. We don't get to graduate together and stuff. How are you going to feel staying here with Preston, Mike and stuff while we're all off at college?"

Where is her other supportive friend? I don't like Cynthia.

The girls still have sleepovers until they go off to college. They are having a tough time opening up the pack and play even though the instructions are clearly written on the floor of the damn thing.

When Deb is around she brings up to Kayla that she (Deb) has gained weight and that in a few weeks she thinks that Kayla will want to lose weight so they should start watching what they eat together. I'm beginning to see why Kayla had the eating disorder in the first place.

Deb says she'll come home for dinner with Kayla only if she helps her to lose weight and THEN go to her boyfriend's house. Luckily Kayla is smart enough to tell her that they have a dysfunctional family and she seems genuinely apalled at her mother for even asking her to go on a diet with her.

One night the heat doesn't seem to be working and Deb isn't answering the phone. Kayla, Mike and Preston are forced to go stay at a hotel because it is so cold in the house. Awesome. Deb keeps getting better and better!

Kayla confronts Deb and says that she made a lot of promises that she haven't kept. Deb says "Well...I tried."

I think this might be the first teen mom on 16 & Pregnant that didn't piss me off. But her mother did.

16 & Pregnant Recap to Come Wednesday Night!

2011-05-25T02:51:00.002-04:00

I didn't get a chance to watch it tonight but I'll be on the ball Wednesday. Stay tuned!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Maturity Goes Backwards in NJ (from 5/23)

2011-05-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

The name Monday should officially be changed to Craz-o during the RHofNJ season. Sunday, Craz-o, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.

This says it all:

Caroline, Jacqueline, Teresa and some others are carving pumpkins because it is near Halloween. A family friend, Dolores, has heard rumors about the christening and wants to know what really happened. Not sure why she's asking Teresa, though.

Inside the men are gossiping about it too and Joe calls Joe Gorga (Melissa's Joe) a "little midget". Pot meet kettle!

Caroline thinks Teresa needs to talk to her brother to smooth things out, especially because there is a fashion show coming up and they will all be there. She's trying to give Teresa adult advice but you know Teresa isn't going to listen.

Teresa tells us in interview that she's the matriarch of her family. I actually scoffed at that...and I've never used the word "scoffed" in reference to myself before.

Melissa and Joe are going to Kathy and Rich's house for dinner to talk about the fiasco.

Is it cold in the house?

Melissa and Joe were upset that Teresa and Joe were acting fake at the christening by dancing with the baby on the dance floor, looking like they were a great and caring aunt and uncle. Normal human beings with a maturity level past the age of 18 would have just smiled and faked it too since this was a religious celebration and there were children around. But then how would they get on TV? They MUST pound on the tables, threaten to fight each other, swear and throw fits if they want to be famous.

While telling the story Joe says about Teresa: "I looked at her. I looked at her with my eyes..." That should have settled everything. If someone looks at you with their eyes you better back the fuck up! If they look with their elbows, you're safe.

Kathy and Rich hit the nail on the head (or the fist on the table...whatever analogy you're more comfortable with..lamb and tunafish?) when they said that Teresa used to put her brother Joe on this pedestal and just bragged about everything he did. Teresa's husband Joe obviously felt inferior and has since (in the last 9 years) felt like he had to tear Joe Gorga down. For some reason he does this via Teresa and Joe's father. Why does the father listen to his brother-in-law bad mouth his own son?

Apparently all of the RH of NJ are contractually obligated to shop at Posche, Kim D's teeny tiny boutique. This is the fashion show that Caroline mentioned earlier. Teresa and Jacqueline are walking in the show and now in a strangely bad voice over edit, Kim D asks Melissa to also walk in the show.

While at the shop, Kim G comes by because she would never miss out on an opportunity to be on the show even though she wasn't chosen to be a housewife. She meets Melissa for the first time and immediately asks her about what happened at the christening. Balls, Kim G...you got balls. Rude ones.

Kim G bad mouths Teresa and calls her an old lady. Isn't Kim G old enough to be Teresa's mom?

Caroline's daughter Lauren started a little makeup line/beauty bar type thing. She's doing the makeup for the Posche fashion show. Last year's Posche show was when Ashley pulled Danielle's hair out.

Its Halloween and Teresa is running around her bedroom in some kind of costume calling herself "Super T". This is the bedroom of someone who filed bankruptcy in the last year:

I think that mirror probably costs more than my entire house.

Three of her girls are dressing up as rock stars and Audriana is a lesbian.

Melissa thinks she's dressed as a cat but she's really just wearing tight black leather and some ears. Joe is dressing up as Teresa.

Ok maybe it is Snooki.

They arrive at Kathy and Rich's house before going to a party and they've also invited Kim D. Kim D has a blonde wig on and she announces that her costume is a "half a hooker". Ok what half? Kim G is tagging along (surprise, surprise) and she also thinks she's dressed as a cat except she has a tank top on and has drawn whiskers on her face.

They go to a club and I really feel like most of them are way too old to be at a club. *cough Kathy, Kim G cough*. WHAT is Kathy dressed as?

Teresa is talking to Jacqueline about how she's going to say hi to Melissa at the fashion show. As if she's the "bigger person". Neither of them are the bigger person.

Melissa is talking to Kathy about it and saying that Teresa ruined her child's party. How insane is that statement? Teresa was being fake nice - yes that sucks but Melissa and Joe's reaction to it was what ruined the party. Come on now.

Fashion show time. Melissa is getting her makeup done and as soon as Teresa walks in she goes over to her and says hi and kisses her on the cheek. Come on now.

While Caroline is making small talk with Melissa and Kathy, Teresa starts whining "CAROLIIINNE!" How is it that I used to not hate Teresa?

Kim G shows up and Teresa cannot stop staring at her while she talks to Melissa, Kathy and Melissa's sisters. She knows that the NJ Chapter of Teresa Haters has just been created. Teresa makes a comment that Kim G is like 77 years old. If that is the case, I've changed my mind on getting plastic surgery someday because she does NOT look 77. Of course - she's not 77, she's 54.

Kim D stands up to kick off the show. Is it still Halloween? Because I think she's still half a hooker.

When it is time for Melissa to walk the runway, she has all of her "fans" standing up, whistling, taking pictures. It looks like pervert row at a strip club.

Kim D has Melissa walk twice down the runway. Trying to get someone to make it rain?

When Teresa is introduced Kim G who is so mature for a 54 year old asks her new friends the Teresa Haters if they should boo Teresa. Does anyone else think that maturity goes backwards in NJ? I think Teresa's daughters are more mature than Kim G.

The show is over and Kathy pulls Teresa aside to talk to her. She asks her what is up with her, what happened at the christening. Teresa says she didn't do anything, her brother did. Kathy is obviously on Melissa's side in this whole thing so she's basically trying to convince Teresa that she needs to apologize.

Kathy says that she was worried about the children (I'm sure her 14 year old was find with his knife collection) and tells Teresa that she found Audriana alone in a stroller and pushed the stroller out of the room. I don't remember seeing this happen last week but Kathy seems to be pushing this fact over and over again.

Teresa starts pointing in her face "DO NOT go there with me!" I don't blame her...you don't "go there" to a mother about her kids/parenting skills.

Caroline is trying to corral the crazy. She confronts Kathy and said that the conversation shouldn't have happened now and they can kill each other in their own homes, not at the Brownstone.

Next week Teresa is talking about her cookbook and she says "ingrediences" and "cumin" (but pronounces is "come-in". She wrote a cookbook...and says ingrediences and come-in.

The Real Housewives of OC: Butt Bleeding & Great Friends (from 5/22)

2011-05-23T00:27:00.000-04:00

We kick off the show with Vicki and Donn arguing. Donn is drinking, as usual. They are totally miserable.

Lots of flashbacks of the misery between the two of them.

Gretchen is back from Texas. She tells us that her handbag line is successful and reminds us that Slade is broke aka she can probably claim him as a dependent on her taxes.

Slade is still doing his art and he says he's not good enough to sell the art. But he's "good enough" to let Gretchen buy all of these art supplies.

She tells Slade that his child support thing is keeping them from going forward in their relationship. He owes so much back child support because the courts never reduced Slade's child support payments after he lost his job. Gretchen is afraid of what people will think if they have a baby but he still can't pay child support for his son.

Tamra picks her up for the ride of death and they go out to dinner. Well, not dinner...alcohol. Vicki opens up about her issues with Donn and how they avoid each other all the time. They haven't had sex in two years. Why she chose to have this conversation with Tamra (and the cameras) at a restaurant is beyond me. The whole thing is in subtitles because it is so loud there.

You can't tell if Tamra actually has no emotion or if her face is just completely frozen from botox.

Peggy and her boobs are packing for a Vegas weekend for her and Micah for his birthday. She's invited Tamra and Eddie because they've become BFFs (<---Peggy you're too old to use that term) and another couple, Kirsten and Brady.

Jim and Alexis weren't invited because Jim doesn't want to be around them and Alexis is in competition with Peggy constantly. Ah, the wonderful "friends" who try to one-up you or put you down with passive aggressive statements...do we all have one of those?

Peggy and her boobs say that it is hard to buy Micah a birthday present since he buys himself whatever he wants. I'm thinking it is also hard to buy him something when you don't have your own money and you're using HIS money to buy him presents.

Anyway...she got some "boudoir" shots done and had them made into a book for Micah. Gross.

Alexis, while dressed like Michael Jackson, is putting together a luncheon for her friends to preview her Alexis Couture line.

She's meeting with the restaurant guy and an event planner. She says because she won't be modeling the dresses, she wants to have life-sized posters of her wearing them. Nothing says "I love myself" more than life-sized posters.

The restaurant is French and the owner is explaining the types of food he wants to serve at the luncheon. Alexis doesn't know what any of the words mean except foie gras and that is because she tasted that and spit it out during last season. She pronounces it "for gra" and says they cannot serve that even though she knows it is a "delicatessen" in French. Yeah...a delicacy you mean? Delicatessen is a deli.

He wants to serve French food because it is a French restaurant. Alexis is too confused by it all and I'm surprised she didn't just ask him to serve French fries. The event planner suggests a croissant sandwich. Classy en francais!

It is the day of the luncheon. I have to admit, the life-sized poster of Alexis when they walk in looks really good. I mean, not because it is life-sized, but she looks really pretty. However, Alexis' assistant Dylan is wearing what I can only describe as a "rat-tail bowtie". WTF?

(Just in case you aren't familiar with the term...this is a "rat-tail")

Alexis is having models wear her dresses and for some reason she feels the need to teach them how to walk and pose.

The show is starting and Vicki hasn't shown up yet. Alexis gives a speech and ends it with "Move over Cavalli, it's Alexis Couture now!" I think we all have the same reaction that Tamra does:

The first dress is called "A Walk in the Park" because according to Dylan's notes, it is perfect for a walk in the park. We hear Gretchen laugh and say "A walk in the park! That's like SO dressy for a walk in the park!!" I can't tell if she said that really loudly or if we're just hearing it because she has a microphone on for the show.

Alexis has provided the guests with a little "menu" naming all of the dresses and she has asked people to give their opinions in the blank spaces next to the dresses because she's able to take constructive criticism well. But when Peggy goes to write her opinion she informs Alexis that the pen isn't really working on the paper because it is that "shiny paper". What a sneaky trick Alexis..."please write down your opinions on this paper which does not allow a pen to break through it's glossy coating!"

She tells Peggy "Honey...you can use memory."

Is it me or are these the same outfit except the shoulder that is showing is different on each model? Oh...one is a "romper" and one is a ~~tube top being used as a skirt~~ "dress".

The bikini that is being modeled has a coochie necklace. That's all I have to say about that one.

Vicki texts Tamra to tell her that she's in the hospital and will be going in for surgery. Gretchen thinks it is rude that Vicki goes to the hospital at the same time as Alexis' dress party and Lynn doesn't want Tamra to worry about it because it causes wrinkles. She tells Tamra to have fun and says "cheers!" How sweet!

Lynn looks frighteningly bad. Almost like one of those barbie heads that we had as kids to do their hair? Her skin is scary frozen.

Tamra tells the camera that she had a friend who had the same symptoms and died three months later. But she doesn't tell us what these symptoms are and why Vicki is in the hospital having surgery.

Alexis thinks that Tamra is being disrespectful texting and being on the phone. Pot meet kettle. Did she not do this when they went away last season because she missed her husband so much? Or a couple of weeks ago at Peggy's dinner party?

I HATE Tamra and I'm on her side here...Vicki is in the hospital - that is a good reason to be on the phone and texting. Not because you've never been away from your husband for more than the time it takes for him to take a dump.

Alexis wants Tamra to wait to find out what is going on with her friend in the hospital until AFTER the last dress comes through. What a heart of gold! Jesus would be proud.

Tamra finds out that Vicki has some internal bleeding and comes to Alexis' table to tell Peggy (Gretchen is also at this table).

Gretchen: "Do you think that it is ironic at all though? That she did that, or no?"

Tamra: "That she started bleeding out of her ass on the day of Alexis' party?"

Gretchen: "Yeah."

The next time I don't want to attend a party I'm going to make my ass bleed. That's got to be some party trick.

Vicki took a photo of her IV and sent it to Tamra's bedazzled cell phone. Who does that?

Oh no! Next week is the season finale! But woo hoo, it is when Tamra goes crazy and pushes Jeana! I can't wait!!

The Real Housewives of NYC (from 5/19)

2011-05-20T23:26:00.000-04:00

LuMann and Sonja are out to lunch. Does LuMann ever grow her hair out or change it in any way? It seems like it looks exactly the same all the time.

They are discussing taking a trip with all the girls to Morocco. Everyone seems in except for Kelly. If you remember correctly she went a little crazy on her last trip with the ladies.

Another day, LuMann and Ramona are walking down the street and LuMann says that she likes that Ramona has her high heels on because at least she's as tall as she is. And then Ramona said she likes being at her level.

Am I missing something?

They sit down for tea and LuMann gets right to it. She thought Ramon's party was nice and the wine was good but it was too bad that Ramona had to cheapen it by having it out with Jill in front of her guests. She tells Ramona that she needs to be careful with what she says because she hurts people's feelings.

Ramona's response is one that I hate "At least I say it to people's faces and not behind their back." THIS DOESN'T MAKE IT OK TO BE A FUCKING BITCH! People use that excuse all the time "At least I'm honest." I'd rather you shut your mouth or lie than be honest if you're going to be an asshole. Being honest isn't an OK to hate on people.

Side note: LuMann is wearing some kind of Christmas decoration as a necklace.

Of course nothing is Ramona's fault and she has done nothing wrong. I hate Ramona more now than I ever have.

Sonja is having a photo shoot for her toaster oven cookbook that Kelly says hasn't even been written yet. She's on top of the dining room table in a gown with no underwear on and Kelly gets to see her vagina.

Cindy, Jill, Kelly and LuMann are going on a little trip to Canyon Ranch. Kelly tells them about Sonja flashing her vagina and she mentions that she's never seen another vagina except her own. What? Not even in a movie or anything? I've seen so many because I watched every birth I could possibly find on Youtube while I was pregnant.

When talking about relationships and how Kelly can't find a good man, she mentions that she's been slapped in the face by a man before. That's basically all that happens but the commercials made it sound like Kelly was going to reveal this big deep, dark secret. Not saying that it isn't a horrible thing to be slapped in the face, but the commercials were much more dramatic about it. We didn't even hear the story about it.

It takes 6 hours to get to the ranch. Cindy (who set up the trip) has gifts for the ladies, embroidered robes. LuMann says in interview "Of course Jill opens it up in the lobby as if nobody else is staying in the hotel...really darling, never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby." But isn't this LuMann's hand, holding her own robe?

This place is a spa and the girls do some kind of drumming class. They go around the room and say something about themselves that no one knows.

LuMann: "I like to wear large jewelry when I'm drumming." <---or eating. or walking. or talking. or breathing.

Kelly: "I have an obsession with smells." Now that I think about it, it does seem like she's always scrunching her nose up smelling something bad.

Jill: something about her hair not being naturally red.

Cindy: "I'm not as tough as I appear." This was the best answer yet because it was deeper than the other three. However, Jill thinks she should have told everyone that she has fake teeth.

At dinner menopause comes up and Cindy asked if they've seen "The Vagina Monocles". Obviously, we know it is the Vagina Monologues. LuMann makes fun of her for saying it and puts here fingers around her eyes to imitate glasses. Yeah...countess? "Mono" means one.

This is a monocle.

Kelly tells them that she's not going to Morocco because she's too sensitive and can't be around Ramona. Why is everyone so afraid of her?

Ramona, Sonja and Alex go to Ramona's plastic surgeon for a consult. I think Alex and Sonja thought they were just going to support Ramona but Ramona thinks that they could use a few touch-ups.

Alex is in a chair and the woman is taking off all of her makeup. She's pissed because normally clients come in without any makeup on. Alex says she goes through a bottle a week. Nice. You can probably push your finger into her cheek and it will go through a few layers of foundation.

Alex has a gross, bleeding zit now and the woman is scraping her face. Ew. We know why she has a zit - she wears pounds of makeup and says that she sometimes goes to sleep with makeup on. Gross.

It's another day and Jill is putting together a charity event about bullying. She tells Alex that she invited Ramona...is she going to be the poster child of who not to be as far as being a bully?

LuMann shows up and gives Ramona attitude...something stupid about fashion. Ramona says how she always wears David Meister (designer I guess) and LuMann points out that SHE knew who he was before Ramona. Apparently Ramona doesn't like it when her friends wear the same designer she wears and LuMann says that its "bitchy". Money can't buy you class, LuMann.

She then tells Ramona that none of the girls want to go to Morocco because Ramona is coming. She wants the trip to be positive. Alex points out that the only person that is being negative right now is her (LuMann). This is where Alex's "Thug in a Cocktail Dress" comment comes in.

Of course, Ramona brought a box of her own wine bottles. She was supposed to donate it to the auction but she pops open the box and pours herself. She's the only one drinking because apparently it is quite earlier in the day. She's yap, yap, yapping away.

Kelly decides that she IS going to go to Morocco.

Jill has a stepdaughter who has a facial birthmark. She's speaking to the charity attendees. While she's talking Ramona is basically selling her wine.

Jill's stepdaughter made short and sad speech about how she was bullied as a child. When it is done, people stand and clap, some hug her. We see Ramona out in the hallway with a bottle of wine. She's gone to the other room so she can bring her wine bottles to the table. She then asks the designer's daughter to clean up some empty glasses from the table.

Ohhhhh shit...the next three weeks they are in Morocco and it looks like everyone is fighting! Also, Sonja needs a tampon and Ramona thinks she's asking for high heels. I can't wait, especially after this snooze-fest episode.

16 (well, 17) & Pregnant: Worst Names EVER (from 5/17)

2011-05-18T22:14:00.000-04:00

I want to start out by saying I haven't seen this girl yet because I haven't pushed play but I HATE that name. I apologize if any of my readers are named Cleondra. I'm going to call her Cleo. Still bad but not as bad.

Cleo's sister had a baby when she was 17. The cycle of life and teen moms. Cleo's sister just comes and goes at home leaving her daughter Zyra to be raised by their mother and Cleo.

This is just the motherload episode of horrible names. Cleondra, Dixie is the mom, Javon is the brother, Zerica is the sister and her daughter is Zyra. I cannot wait to see what Cleo and Mario name their baby. Dixie's boyfriend's name is Rob so he's the normal one.

Dixie has a sweet tattoo on her arm and I hope they show a full side view of Zerica because she's got a doozy as well.

Dixie provided her daughters with a "big ol' box of condoms" so she was surprised that Cleo got pregnant.

Cleo's boyfriend/baby daddy is Mario. He lives across the street. Easy access. They've been together "since forever" according to Cleo. "Since forever" = 2 years.

Mario wants him, Cleo and the baby (a girl) to live at his house with his dad. It is a bit cramped with all the unfortunate named people at Dixie's house. Cleo wants to stay at her house because of all the help there. She doesn't understand why Mario wouldn't want to live there.

Mario's mother Maria lives around the corner. She doesn't want to be called Grandma...probably because she's like 27.

Maria likes the name "Twilight" for the baby. What city do these people live in that they like such horrid names!??

Two side notes: #1 - I feel like this was filmed in 1990 or so...Cleo is wearing a vest and peace sign earrings. #2 - Cleo is not the first teen mom to do this...she says stuff like "hang out" and actually pronounces the "g"...like "hang gout". It's an epidemic, just like teen pregnancy!!

Time for the baby shower. What is this scary looking thing that she opens first???

Of course she gets mostly clothes because teenagers don't know what to buy for a baby besides outfits and some creepy doll.

Mario is at work at the tire place and is taking a break with his 20 year old friend. This 20 year old already has a kid and another on the way. I bet his girlfriend/wife says "hang gout" too.

The baby is going to be named Kylee Sue. I hope that Sue is the middle name and just not part of the first name...you know, like Billy Bob?

Time for delivery. The doctor is basically wearing a welder's mask.

Two days later, they get to go home. Cleo thinks that Mario will stay over and help with Kylee so she can get some rest. He says he will not stay there because it doesn't make any sense since he wants to get some sleep. Kick him in the balls Cleo. Balls!

Luckily, Dixie and Rob are there to help and Zerica with her manly voice and ugly piercings is staying home more to care for her own daughter.

Mario doesn't come around. He doesn't want the baby to be around Zerica or Javon. So...leaving the baby there without you is better because....?

Cleo has to go take a midterm so she has Zerica and Javon watch Kylee for four hours. It sounds like even Dixie is questioning that decision later on when Cleo tells Mario. Mario wants her to ask his mom or sister to watch Kylee before doing that again. But of course, minutes later - he just goes home.

When Cleo calls him to ask if he can come over and help with the baby his response is "I just don't feel like doing nothing today...I'm tired. I want to stay home and go to bed." I'm confused as to why his balls are still intact at this point.

Cleo decides to take the baby and stay at Mario's for the night so she can prove a point and show him what it is like to take care of a newborn all night. When the baby wakes up at 4am, she asks him to make a couple of ounces of formula and Mario doesn't even flinch, he just stays asleep. Seriously Cleo, perfect opportunity to chop his balls off.

Once it is time for Cleo to go back to school, Kylee goes to a different babysitter every day of the week. (Rob, Mario, Mario's mom, Dixie, Mario's sister). When they go out to eat Cleo and Mario continue to argue about who watches the baby, where they live, etc. This pictures sums up how I feel about this episode.

Cleo and Mario's moms bring them together to make some compromises. Suddenly in the next scene Mario is everything that Cleo could ask for in a boyfriend/baby daddy. If I still had anything left in my stomach after vomiting from watching the Real Housewives of NJ last night, I might have puked after that.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season Premiere: Competition & Hypocrisy (from 5/16)

2011-05-18T01:50:00.000-04:00

We open the season with Teresa and the family attending her brother's son's christening. Teresa tells us that she doesn't get along with her brother's wife, Melissa. Good thing because she's one of the new cast members.

Teresa goes up to her brother and SIL and says congratulations. They ask her "Why are you saying it now?" I'm guessing because this is the party to celebrate the christening...but whatever.

Her brother says "Teresa do what you do every day, just walk the fuck away." Teresa doesn't understand what is going on - none of us do, I think. She asks why they even invited her and Melissa's sister says that it was a technicality.

Inappropriate arguing ensues and Teresa's brother bangs on the table with his fist several times. What is up with their family and restaurant tables?

Little children are turning around to see what the yelling is all about and someone says "don't get it twisted". Hold the phone. When did that phrase become an adult phrase?

Never.

The men start fighting and we cut to a screen that says "One week earlier..." Ok good because I thought I was losing my mind.

I guess Teresa and her husband own a pizzeria now that they have gone through bankruptcy. Teresa has written a cookbook and is doing book signings at her restaurant. People come and tell her that they are praying for her and they hope she'll be fine. Huh? Why would anyone give a shit about a "real housewife" who just last season spent ridiculous amounts of money on frivolous things like boobs and an enormous home made of marble?

Jacqueline is visiting Teresa and she's explaining about the drama she has with her brother. Teresa says that she wanted Melissa to be like her sister and she called her a lot, etc. but Melissa kept blowing her off so she stopped calling as much.

Yeah - something is missing here.

Neither of them came to any of her book signings and the rumor is that they thought they needed to be invited. I'm kind of with the brother and SIL on this - did she expect them to come and wait in line like some RHofNJ fans? There is a lot more to this story.

Jacqueline looks great in her opening scene - she lost all the baby weight. Her daughter, Ashley is wearing a teeny tiny dress.

Ashley is interning at Lizzie Grubman PR. Jacqueline goes to visit her and they talk with Lizzie herself. I think she's the one who ran over a bunch of people with her SUV? Anyway, Lizzie says that Jacqueline has an amazing daughter but that she has to come to work everyday. Ashley says that it is really hard.

I just vomited a little bit. Ashley drops a bomb that she wants to talk to her mom about moving into the city. Jacqueline wonders how she will do this since her internship is unpaid. Ashley starts to cry. More vomit. Lizzie has to comfort her.

Jacqueline, Ashley and Chris (Jacqueline's husband) go out to lunch. Ashley still cries because she says that the whole process of working in the city is annoying because she has to get up early. Chris tells her that when he was her age he did whatever he had to do to get to work. She says that she has been doing that and sometimes she's late.

I may lose like 10 lbs tonight from all this vomit. I hate Ashley right now.

Chris says that if she does well at the job and tries hard he will pay for her commuting into the city. You can see in Ashley's face that this is not what she wanted to hear. She was expecting them to buy her an apartment.

The Manzos are walking through an empty apartment. Albee and Christopher are moving into an apartment they leased together. Caroline is crying because her kids are leaving.

Caroline is the best Real Housewife of them all. She's strong, smart, a great mom, has great boobs and didn't pay for them. But this also means her segments might be a bit boring because she doesn't have drama. Now that Danielle is gone...but who knows, maybe she'll get involved in the Teresa/Melissa/Joe/Kathy fiasco.

I feel bad but in her next segment I almost want to fast forward because I know nothing is going to happen. They are just cooking and eating. Well, Caroline says that they have maple-glazed butter and Jacqueline thinks she said nipple-glazed butter. Oooohhh, risque!

It is time to meet the infamous SIL Melissa. Joe, her husband (Teresa's brother) is massaging her feet and kissing them. Seriously I lost at LEAST 5 lbs already and we're only 22 minutes in.

Melissa is so happy that Joe surprised her with the plans for this 15,000 square foot home for Christmas! I'm beginning to see why Teresa is fighting with them - COMPETITION.

Melissa is the type of wife that has to be "a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom." Lovely.

When their son makes a mess with some Styrofoam on the floor Joe tells him to come play football. The son says that he's helping to clean up and Joe says "Forget cleaning up, that's for the women!"

Ah, this is looking to be a good season where I hate everyone! YEAH!

Kathy (the other new castmate) is Joe's cousin and she comes by for lunch - she's good friends with Melissa. They talk about Teresa and Joe. Kathy says if she was going through what Teresa did, she wouldn't want to leave the house. Way to be supportive.

What the fuck is Melissa wearing?

Joe makes a comment that Teresa says how her family is Jacqueline and Caroline...but of course we know that isn't true as far as blood relation. Melissa says that even when they are invited to be with Teresa and her "friends" they act like they aren't even there anyway.

Sounds to me like a bunch of snobs who are all jealous of each other.

Kathy is married to a Lebanese man, Rich. He is so cheesy looking that I'm questioning whether or not these people were cast and costumed by Bravo. People can't really look like this in real life, right?

Kathy loves to cook because "what you put in your mouth? It's important." Come on. She's riding around on a bicycle to pick up groceries. These people aren't real.

They have two children - Victoria who is 16 and Joseph who is 14. Kathy says how Joseph has so many friends...SO many friends. As she is saying this we see Joseph playing with a knife in his bed. Kathy is upset that he's playing with knives on his bed because it isn't a hard surface.

Come on. The jokes on us right? Come on.

It is the morning of the christening party. Melissa's sisters are looking for a fight with Teresa.

Speaking of Teresa - are they still living in their giant marble mansion? All these people "praying" for her and her family - I bet their entire house would fit in the Guidice's entryway.

While getting the kids ready for the christening, Teresa has lost Audriana - the baby - who is crawling around the house. Luckily Teresa's makeup artist was on the stairs because he caught the baby as she started to crawl down them. Lovely.

Teresa's hairstylist is cheating on her with Melissa. It is a giant conspiracy - Melissa and her sisters are taking up the hairstylists time so that Teresa will be late.

Teresa is freaking out because they will be late but Joe is in shorts pulling a wheelbarrow out of the garage. He's not getting ready. He has diarrhea. And evidently he's carting it out in the wheelbarrow?

Melissa is scaring her baby I think...telling him that he's going to Jesus' kingdom. Maybe it is just me...but that would scare me. "You're bringing me WHERE?" Of course, I know the baby is too young to understand.

At the church, Melissa notices that Teresa isn't there (she's late). Of course she did, why wouldn't she? There are only a thousand people there.

I guess this is what Danielle was talking about in the reunion show last year when she said that Teresa didn't acknowledge her nephew.

Teresa DOES show up at the church and she clearly says congratulations to her brother and her nephew. Melissa still wonders if she showed up late or afterwards (who cares?) and then says that they should have pulled Gia out of whatever she was doing so she could attend her cousin's christening.

According to Teresa, Gia had a gymnastics competition and if she missed it she would be kicked out of gymnastics. Even if that weren't true and it was a giant lie (although we saw Gia leave for gymnastics with her coach) who gives a fuck if one 7 year old girl isn't in attendance!??? (Sorry...she might not be 7 but I can't remember).

Melissa is pissed that Joe (Teresa's husband) didn't come to the church. She obviously doesn't care about the wheelbarrows of diarrhea. When he does come to the reception and Melissa's Joe asks Teresa's Joe if he wants a shot, he of course declines since he hasn't eaten anything and he's been shoveling watery poop all morning. Melissa takes this as an insult. Does she want him squirting at the party?

She also takes this opportunity to tell us (in interview) that Teresa thinks she throws better parties than her but she does NOT.

Teresa then tells us (in interview) that there weren't a lot of people at the christening...that she had like 200 people at her last one but there wasn't even 200 at this one.

Competition will ruin relationships. GROW THE FUCK UP!

Melissa, Joe, Kathy and Rich are talking about Teresa. Joe says that he is ignoring her just like she ignores him at parties. I don't doubt this because Teresa seems very scatterbrained and into her money (or lack of), her husband and her kids much more than anyone else.

Melissa's Joe is livid that Teresa was dancing with the baby that just got christened. Melissa brings up the fact that she (Melissa) was holding Audriana at her christening and Teresa came up and ripped her right out of her arms. Obviously we didn't see this.

Now were back to the place where the show started leading up to the fight. I really don't understand why Joe is so angry at this moment. He's SO angry. He calls her garbage.

Teresa's Joe (I think) comes up and says something like "you sons of bitches" and that is when the actual brawl started.

HOW HYPOCRITICAL ARE THESE PEOPLE? You're celebrating a religious event...and now you're drunk and you're physically fighting and saying fuck every other word in front of all these people, including children.

At one point the camera is behind Teresa and she's telling her husband "It's a christening!" so basically to calm down. All of the sudden the camera guy either got tackled or someone pushed him out of the way and we don't see anything but someone yells "I'll fucking kill every one of yous!"

The camera goes to this shot:

just as someone is saying "You wanna fuck with me?". I love that Bravo pointed out the hypocrisy with that one little scene.

Melissa's Joe is telling everyone to get his sister and his BIL out of there. Suddenly there is screaming and someone is on the ground. I have no idea who it is. Someone is yelling "Get the cops!"

Other people are fighting because it isn't Joe Guidice...he and Teresa are not in the center of the brawl. If I were Teresa the FIRST FUCKING THOUGHT IN MY HEAD would have been "Where are my four children and let me get them out of here, they do NOT need to experience this."

Nope, not these people!

Somehow and for some reason people are starting shit with Teresa & Joe's father? He's an old man who has had two open heart surgeries? WTF is going on?

Someone has said "I'll fucking crack their skulls." (I assume it was Joe Guidice). Someone tries to take Melissa's Joe to the bar to calm down. Yes, add more alcohol, that will do the trick! Might as well start looking for pens so someone can stab someone else in the neck a la Goodfellas.

The Real Housewives of OC (from 5/15)

2011-05-17T21:49:00.000-04:00

Alexis is wearing jean shorts that can pass for denim underwear. She's shopping for cowboy boots for her trip to Texas with the girls. She thinks that she can get cowboy boots that have 4 inch wedge heels. She's expecting more "bling" on the cowboy boots. I'm not sure she understands what a cowboy is.

Who buys cowboy boots and a cowboy hat for a TWO DAY trip to Texas?

Also - she's trying on the boots barefoot. Gross.

Vicki the slave driver is at work forcing her "people" to stay late. She calls Tamra on speakerphone and we find out that Simon is in jail. He went to Tamra's house the night before swearing about their dog and he threw the leash at her so she called the cops. He did this in front of their kids so they arrested him.

Tamra's attorney wants to see pictures of the leash that was allegedly thrown at her head by her ex husband. She needs to file a temporary restraining order against him. Ugly Eddie thinks that the leash is heavy. Yes, very heavy duty dog leash for a 10 lb dog.

Jeana is getting involved with Tamra and Simon's business. Jeana's a weirdo, fighting Simon's battles apparently.

Tamra is of course late for her court date because you know she thinks she's a celebrity. She makes Eddie sit in the car and three hours later she comes out and says that the DA decided not to press charges due to lack of evidence. I guess the plastic dog leash didn't leave a mark.

Later on Vicki and Donn go out to dinner together. Of course not alone because they'd kill each other. Tamra and Eddie join them. Tamra needs a drink and Vicki asks her to tell Donn about what happened with Simon. Eddie excuses himself to go to the bathroom and on his way out he puts his finger to his head like a gun. AAAAHHHH HA HA HA HA! Getting sick of Tamra, are we?

After explaining the story to Donn - which is really a non-story...a dog leash and no charges pressed? LAME! - anyway, Tamra wonders where Eddie is and Vicki thinks maybe he has diarrhea and that anyone hanging out with Tamra for 24 hours would have diarrhea.

Eddie returns to the table and says that he wanted to avoid the Simon conversation - that was why he left the table. They decide to talk about something else.

Not one of the four of them knows what a Zamboni is. They keep calling it a Zambuka. Some guy wants Vicki to drive one for being a businesswoman or something. People in Orange County are weird.

Tamra decides the very next topic should be about how Jeana texted her about Simon. Way to keep your man happy, bitch! Eddie looks at her like "What the fuck?" I wish he would walk out.

Finally...Donn remembers that it is called a Zamboni.

Days later Tamra meets with Jeana on a park bench. She confronts Jeana about saying that Tamra ruined Simon's life.

Jeana somehow thinks this is her business and questions why Tamra called the police. She says that Simon wasn't even there anymore when she called! Interesting...Tamra didn't mention this...she made it sound like she called 911 seconds after the plastic dog leash bounced off the floor behind her.

Back at home or at Eddie's Tamra is crying. She shows Eddie a printout of Jeana's Facebook status that said "Maybe the tape on Tamra's mouth should be permanent" (referring to the naked photo shoot she did with Fernanda). I wish she would have mentioned how many people "liked" that status.

Gretchen is in Texas being driven around in a Hummer-Limo. She picks up the girls at the airport and everyone has cowboy hats. I'm so embarrassed for them. It's like people who go to concerts wearing the concert T-shirt of the band they are seeing...or going to Disney World in a Mickey Mouse costume. You do NOT fit in.

Alexis admits that she went to test-drive a mechanical bull before going to Texas. I'm even more embarrassed now.

"The girls" are Alexis, Peggy and Fernanda??? They are suddenly friends with her? Tamra's lesbian friend?

They all head out and they are all wearing giant heels except for Fernanda. Gretchen falls down. I wish they all had fallen down.

At lunch the subject of Gretchen/Slade/Marriage comes up. She asks the women how they knew it was "the one". Maybe she should have asked that before she got married the first time and engaged the second time. Why is it suddenly so pressing that she know this? Because he doesn't have money so it isn't an automatic YES?

Peggy says that she had a "list" and you know Alexis had to compete so she said "I had 150 things on my list, honey!"

One of Peggy's items was that the guy couldn't have any roomates. For some reason Alexis thinks that should be a given. She jumps in with her items. Something about Jim liking her because she didn't have to pee all the time. What?

Everytime Gretchen asks Peggy a question, Alexis answers either right away or shortly after Peggy tries to speak. Peggy says that she wouldn't have married Micah if he hadn't had his own business or had roommates. So love isn't important to these women at all and they are fully admitting it.

Gretchen surprisingly calls them out on their gold digging ways but no one cares.

Alexis tells us how she doesn't believe that Fernanda is really married because of her religion. Again...love doesn't matter to her.

The girls are headed out for the night and they are drinking champagne in the hummer limo on the way. Alexis is pouring it down her throat and is wearing the denim underwear again. I don't know that Jim would approve of this. Or Jesus.

Inside the BBQ place where they are chowing down, Alexis is supposedly drinking straight vodka in a plastic cup. She's wasted and annoying. Jim's going to be soooooo pissed. She's licking a chicken leg like it is a penis.

She then tells us (in interview) how she used to have an eating disorder. Since she's drunk at dinner and eating a bunch of food, she decides to squirt ketchup all over the food so she won't eat it.

Alexis said that she's able to come to Texas on the girls' trip because Jim realized how miserable she was. She also says that out of 10 of her friends, 8 of them cheat. Time to get new friends.

They head to a place called Cowboys Dancehall. The three blondes are like those annoying girls we all knew in high school who would drink a beer at a party and start laughing and falling down everywhere. Fernanda seems the most normal - she can handle her liquor and isn't screeching.

Alexis immediately starts bouncing her fake boobs up and down. She starts dancing with Fernanda on the dance floor. Seriously Alexis...she was talking about Fernanda having to "answer to god" because she is a lesbian? People in glass houses shouldn't throw silicone breasts.

Mechanical bull riding time. Peggy isn't allowed because of her recent boobie surgery. Fernanda goes first and it is boring, she falls off. Gretchen goes and it goes very slow so she doesn't fall. Alexis in her denim underwear climbs on. You can hear whistles like it is a strip club.

In the hummer limo afterwards Alexis makes a comment that Peggy's lips are bigger than hers. Peggy is pissed. I think Peggy's mouth is bigger but not her lips. But why would they be fighting about this - they both paid for bigger lips so shouldn't you WANT your lips to be bigger than the next person? Wasn't that the point?

The Real Housewives of NYC (from 5/12)

2011-05-15T21:04:00.000-04:00

The STAR Ramona is up first tonight. She's doing a photo shoot so she can put photos of herself on her product a la Alexis from Real Housewives of OC. She's stiff and bug-eyed but did we expect anything else?

This was actually one of the shots taken:

Jill is visiting Cindy. Cindy has a ton of nannies, assistants, etc. One of the twins starts crying and woooppp hand her to a nanny.

Cindy says how it is crazy and she can't sleep because she hears the babies cry in the night...and the nannies wake up with them. Cindy gets to lay in her bed, I guess.

They gossip about Ramona. Apparently Cindy is the only one who will "stand up" to Ramona. Everyone else accepts her for who she is but Cindy is all set. What's wrong with everyone? Tell her to shut the fuck up? Oh wait...she's a star!!!!!!! The thing that pisses me off is that you KNOW Cindy will be inviting her to some event again. Pussies!!

Another day Kevin is the twins father and he is visiting. I didn't realize that he was the father until Cindy said it because I immediately thought he was gay. I don't have a good gaydar.

Sonja is throwing a masquerade party so she has a "costumist" over to help her out. He doesn't seem very excited about Sonja's choices and this awful wig she has.

LuMann is out looking for a costume and Jill comes by to join her. The woman that works there says that period costumes are very glamorous and sexy and Jill chimes in "That's me!" Since when? She says that the last time she was there she needed to wear a bra but now she doesn't because she's gotten a breast reduction.

LuMann and Jill might be the two most annoying people in NYC at the moment.

Sonja has friends' kids staying with her and helping her out because she's struggling a little bit with money since her divorce. Why is she throwing this lavish party? She doesn't know the meaning of struggling with money, I think.

The costumist guy fixed up the awful wig and her costume. While Sonja is in the limo on the way to the party, LuMann calls to tell her she can't make it becuase she's sick. Way to wait until the last minute Countess. Money can't buy you class.

Alex and Simon are there dressed up. Ramona walks in and I swear she can't see through her mask because she's bumping into things and Mario is holding her arm. Jill comes with "three male escorts". (Her husband and two other people). Kelly has bedazzled her face and Cindy looks like Barbarella.

Jill was expecting a giant lavish party of 200 people and is quite snobby when she realizes that there are like 15 people in what almost looks like a church basement. Jill, Miss Passive Agressive says to Sonja how honered she was to be invited when she only invited 30 people.

Ummm...this is Sonja's ass. She's bending over everywhere and suddenly realizes "Whoops, I forgot half of my costume!" I mean, no one in the limo told her that they could see her vag?

Jill goes with Cindy to a cosmetic dentist. Jill thinks that Cindy should get something done to bring attention away from her teeth since she has so many. Don't we all have the same amount of teeth?? Well, unless you lost one in a fight, a hockey game or you're a redneck.

Cindy is so lucky to have Jill with her because Jill and her family are like doctors...without the degree or license. Run...run away fast Cindy.

Ramona is standing around a bunch of her Pinot Grigio bottles. Her friend that got married in one of the earlier episodes arrives. She tells Ramona that during her wedding reception, someone told her that Jill wanted to congratulate her so she (the bride) went to see her. Immediately Jill grills her and asked "What are Alex and Simon doing here?!" She also asked why she's friends with Ramona. Way to make the day about the bride and groom, bitch!

Someone needs to take Jill on a long car ride into the countryside and just let her out.

LuMann is grilling Ramona about how the wine is made because now that LuMann is going out with Jacques she's automatically a wine conossieuor. LuMann also says "Pinot Greegio"...using the "g" sound instead of the "j" sound.

Ramona, Miss Ill-Timed-Confrontation-Woman pulls Jill aside to confront her about what the bride (Jennifer) told her just a little while ago. Of course, Jill blames it on someone else who is not part of the show and they beep out the name.

Jill wants Jennifer to join in the conversation because she claims none of it is true. They start yelling at each other. Jill is angry that Ramona attacked her and Ramona says that she didn't attack her and that she was just trying to have a conversation with her. Yeah...that's it.

Jill runs outside and talks to Jennifer about it. She still doesn't want to admit that she did anything wrong but goes back inside to tell Ramona that she worked it out. Ramona is not having it. "If you have a problem with me you tell me to my face!" so Jill invites her to lunch.

Is that the rich people term for "You wanna step outside?"

Ramona looks like a loon and she and Jill just start saying "You need to...." "You need to...." and then Ramona walks away.

Ramona is inside hysterically talking to Jennifer, the Bride. Ramona REALLY needs to get her bangs trimmed.

I also think Ramona should quit drinking and maybe pop some sedatives.

Jill is in a car outside crying to LuMann. LuMann doesn't make it any better and says that Ramona's never been her friend. Jill hands her the little koala she bought at the airport that she meant to give to Ramona and tells LuMann to give it to her. That will show her who's boss...a tacky gift. BURN!

Pregnant in Heels (from 5/10)

2011-05-14T23:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight Rosie's first client is Cindi. This is her first baby with her husband of 11 years Michael and is terrified of giving birth.

She says she's terrified of needles and is worried mostly about the IV "because in the hospital when you give birth you have to have an IV." Umm...no you don't.

Rosie jumps right into the tour of the house. The only thing they've purchased for the baby is a lamp. The "baby's room" is basically the guest room with a big bed, cords everywhere and an exercise bike.

Mommy IQ test time. Well..."Mummy IQ" test since Rosie is British. Cindi doesn't know why one would swaddle a baby. Cripes...does anyone do any kind of research anymore? She also thinks that when you wipe the baby girl you go from back to front. Yes, that's right. Smear poop into her vagina. Good choice.

Cindi is so terrified of needles and birth that she actually thought she would adopt instead of having a child of her own. I always thought I was terrified of giving birth and I had moments of panic during my pregnancy but it ended up being the most amazing experience of my life.

She doesn't want to breastfeed so Rosie is taking her to a breastfeeding class in order to change her mind. Cindi is mortified by the women breastfeeding right in the room with her. Another woman pumps right there in front of her and then plops her boob right back in her shirt. Like it actually plops. I only wish I had video of it plopping back into her shirt. "PLOP!"

Now Cindi is off to a birthing class. Seeing a doll come out of a knitted uterus and a plastic pelvic bone is still freaking her out. She's starting to feel like she's going to faint.

She is terrified of needles but obviously plans to get an epidural...and that's when she'll need the IV.

Next Cindi is meeting with a doula. The doula is trying to help her learn to relax and Cindi just wants none of it because it feels weird. She really needs to learn how to relax. She's annoying.

Now her doctor has arrived and is going to take blood. Of course every time the doula tells her to breathe in through her nose and breathe out, I'm doing the same thing. Since I'm drinking beer, now I need to pee. Does that even make sense? Why should breathing in and out deeply make me have to pee? My bladder relaxed?

Anyway...moving on. Cindi admits that the breathing helped her during the blood draw.

Suddenly we jump forward to after Cindi has the baby. She's alive despite having to get an IV. Also, she's breastfeeding!

The second client is Nicole who works at the Central Park Zoo. She wants to surprise her husband with something and we know from the previews that it is a topless painting of her while riding on a horse. Awkward! Plus, of all the pregnant women so far on this show she might be the one I would least like to see topless. Not that I want to see any of them topless but you know what I mean.

She also wants the big reveal of the picture to be around her husband and friends. Oh my. I would kill one of my friends if they did that to me.

Nicole is also scared of becoming a mother. Her own mother died when she was 10 so she's never really had a female to look up to or talk to about motherhood. She also fears that she will get sick or something will happen where she'll die and leave her son without a mother. Now I feel bad making fun of her.

Well...no...I still don't want to see her boobies. I know we won't because this isn't Skinemax but again, you know what I mean.

Later on, Nicole is in the hospital and she calls Rosie to come to her. She has pre-eclampsia so she's going to have to deliver early by 5 weeks. I guess her naked pregnant painting is out of the question now. It will be a post-natal photo.

The baby, Griffin, is so cute and small and thankfully he's healthy.

It is time for the paining. LT, Rosie and someone else are heading out onto a farm or something and LT is wearing leather pants and a leather tube top thingy as if he has boobs.

The "someone else" is the painter.

Ummmm...I officially hate Nicole because just weeks after giving birth her stomach is as flat as Cameron Diaz's ass.

AAAHHHH Griffin is so tiny, he looks like the doll that the woman used to push through the knitted uterus and plastic pelvis. But much cuter of course.

Oh and I forgot to say that LT also has one of those shirts that are basically just sleeves? Yeah.

I don't know why anyone would want to be topless on a horse. I mean, my boobs aren't huge but when I go running they hurt a little when they bounce even WITH a supportive bra. Imagine galloping on a horse topless? So she's not galloping, she's posing. But just imagine for the hell of it. Ouch.

Fast forward to the reveal of the painting.

This is the husband:

The painting looks a little bit like a cartoon so her head looks large. The husband ends up loving it because he knows that his wife is a bit critical of herself and now she's embracing who she is. Aww...still a weird painting.

Survivor: Redemption Island (from 5/11)

2011-05-14T00:19:00.001-04:00

How is it that I'm just noticing for the first time Rob's ugly moustache??

He's talking with Natalie about how Ashley thinks that she and Natalie are an alliance together. Natalie says she is probably going to stick with Rob. After hearing Ashley say how exciting it was to see Andrea get blindsided I don't blame Natalie. Rob tells Natalie that he thinks Ashley's sneaky. Pot meet kettle.

Andrea shows up on Raw Sewage Island to join Jesus, Ralph and Mike. She argues with Jesus a little bit and the guys make her sleep on the ground next to their little cot. Ha!

Time for the duel. A little maze and then a puzzle. Ralph gets to his puzzle first. Andrea looks like she's having a mini siezure and Jesus is walking through the motions as if he just smoked a joint in the woods before the duel. Mike finishes his puzzle first, Jesus and then Andrea. Ralph is going home.

Jeff points out to them right at the end of the challenge that the loser of this duel will be on the jury and "that blows".

Back at camp Rob and Grant discuss getting rid of Ashley at the next immunity challenge...it makes it sound like he's going to trip her or set a boobie trap at the challenge. He obviously meant to say "at the next tribal council."

Food is low and Ashley wants to conserve it so they have enough until the end...as if she'll be there. She's not taking into account that someone leaves every day or so. Crazy Phillip points out that Grant needs to eat more because he's big and strong. Basically the girls don't need to eat as much because they are girls. Sorry to tell you Phil...but you're pretty much a girl too, Tighty-Pinkies.

He says that the girls only need 1700 calories a day and someone like Grant needs 3600. The reason he knows this is because he's a well-read person.

Phillip starts yelling and flipping out on the girls, calling them princesses and they should go and do a little pageant...go on Miss USA. Weirdo!

Rob meets up with Natalie in the woods to talk about it. Two little monkeys are snooping on them from the tree. I wonder if Special Secret Agent Phillip trained them to spy. Now THAT would be cool.

Ashley tells Rob that they should get rid of Grant next and Rob tells Grant about it. He calls her a snake...since he was JUST talking about getting rid of Ashley, pot meet kettle.

Immunity challenge time. The winner also gets a three course meal delivered to them at the camp. They have to do this challenge with one arm tied behind their back.

Jeff announces that Natalie is inexplicably still working on her first section of the puzzle. He's just not holding back in this episode. I'm waiting for him to yell "You suck!" He ends up telling Natalie that she might as well sit down and watch.

Holy shit, Ashley won immunity. I should have known because it seemed like they were talking about voting her out way too much in the first half of the episode. Ashley picks Natalie to eat the meal with her.

The food reward arrives and Ashley and Natalie stuff their faces. I imagine there will be a lot of painful pooping in the woods in their near future. They end their afternoon with Ashley smelling Natalie's armpit.

Rob tells Ashley, Natalie and Phillip that they are voting Grant out and he tells Grant that they are voting Natalie out.

Grant is the one voted to Raw Sewage Island. The two-hour season finale is on Sunday!

Pregnant in Heels (from 5/3)

2011-05-13T22:41:00.000-04:00

Melissa is a former model and needs Rosie's help for throwing herself a big baby shower. No one should throw themselves a shower. Ever. Especially someone who has a house like this:

Her husband shows us a picture of them at their wedding when Melissa was 105 lbs and said "We need to get her back to looking and feeling that way." Someone hit him, please.

Melissa tells her giant staff that because of the prenatal yoga, the baby's head is down. Yeah, that's not from yoga...it is something that normally naturally happens.

Rosie arrives at the house and doesn't even say hi to anyone except Melissa and asks to see the house. It was a little weird. Anyway, they go to the baby's room and he is going to have two closets. The first closet has clothes that will fit him from 0-6 months. Rosie says that she could change the baby's clothes every 4 hours and never wear the same thing twice. He has four pairs of sunglasses.

She does NOT need a baby shower.

Rosie is now introduced to all of the staff...a house manager, a baby nurse, a prenatal educator, personal traier/nutrionist and a doula. What the fuck does she need Rosie for??

Ok she said that she's not having a baby shower it is a charity event. Thank goodness. Melissa has an event planner as well and she needs Rosie because she's well known. I'm not even pregnant and I feel like throwing up.

For the charity event they are having a pregnancy fashion show and they are doing it at their giant house.

The runway isn't done yet and Rosie is flipping out. Melissa is freaking out because she looks enormous in her red silky dress. Why didn't she try this on beforehand?? Luckily Rosie has a black one that looks much better but Melissa feels like she is going to a funeral in it.

Rosie goes downstairs to make sure things are going well and waits at the bottom of the stairs with everyone for Melissa's grand entrance. Melissa comes down the stairs in a different dress - it is not a "Rosie Pope" design...according to Rosie it is a "Jersey Mumu". She's pissed. I kind of don't really blame her - she donated a bunch of her designs for the fashion show and here the hostess isn't wearing her design.

However...I don't feel bad for Ms. Snobby Pope (you'll see why in the second half of this recap).

Holy nipples!

When Rosie goes to visit Melissa after she had the baby I get that twinge of newborn baby envy...but that doesn't last long.

Lisa is Rosie's assistant's sister's friend. Got that? She's not a millionaire client like Melissa but she needs help.

All of us regular people have babies and get our houses ready on our own...I just can't see paying Rosie to help.

Lisa is a musician and she sings in an all girl rock band. Unfortunately Lisa sings a lyric from a song and it doesn't sound good. People just shouldn't break out into song unless they are Celine Dion or something.

Ok Lisa really does need help because her and her husband's place is decorated with weapons basically. The husband is pissed off because his He-Man sword collection is being disrespected. They also have records hanging on the wall with push pins. Might as well pour rat poison all over the floor and instead of a mattress in the crib, fill it with peanuts and sugar.

They have absolutely nothing for the baby. Lisa is 31 weeks along. I'm annoyed at them too but Rosie turns into a bitchy snob and says "Everywhere I look there's hazards, there's like knives on the wall, knives down here I can pick up and stab myself with. You have to think of what a baby needs first and this place is not ready for a baby. You guys need to grow up."

Ok Rosie - maybe you should use proper grammar and say "there are hazards...there are knives" not "there is."

They begin cleaning immediately. The guitar on the wall has a sticker that says "Fuck you, you fuckin fuck" and Rosie wants to take it down. The husband thinks that because the baby can't read yet, it's ok.

Lisa doesn't realize that a giant shelf of CDs could fall down on the baby. Seriously? Ok - maybe not everyone can do this on their own. I am scared at the lack of common sense in this world. I'm a little bit scared for this baby.

The husband thinks that Rosie is trying to take away their identity. Holy shit you fucking idiot. You can't have swords and rickety shelves around when a baby is coming.

Rosie and her team go into Lisa and Steve's apartment while they are out and they redecorate and babyproof. I'm scared of Steve's reaction because the "nursery" is their bedroom and Rosie has painted it for a baby.

I'm just going to start calling Rosie Snobby Pope because she keeps pointing out how these two are not her typical clients (aka poor) and she's not used to working with such a small space (aka shitty apartments).

They like the living room and they seem to genuinely like the bedroom as well. I didn't notice that the mural on the wall had one of the little bunnies was playing a guitar. However, I swear Lisa just called it a pony. I'm not rewinding it to find out.

The Real Housewives of OC (from 5/9)

2011-05-11T22:09:00.000-04:00

Tamra is out with Lynne. She confronts Tamra about the kiss with Fernanda and Lynne asks if they are an item. Where has she been that she doesn't know about Ugly Eddie?

Tamra explains that the night they kissed she was so incredibly drunk that she could barely walk. She’s in her fucking 40’s and she’s still getting fall-down drunk and having lesbian experiences. Ugh. I want to push her off the chair she’s sitting on and kick her ass. I'm not sure why I had to say push her off the chair first because that would be implied if I was kicking her ass. I think I just like to picture someone (me) pushing her off her chair onto the floor.

Peggy and her boobs go over to Alexis’ house to drink and discuss the drama from the dinner party. I think it must be in the Real Housewives’ contract that they must meet up to discuss previous events over drinks and/or food at least once an episode.

Alexis tells Peggy the truth about why Jim wasn’t at the party – he just didn’t want to hang out with that crowd. Alexis tells the camera that lying isn’t right but that her god will forgive her because that’s what he does. Right…you can do anything bad you want and ask for forgiveness or confess your sins and you’ll be ALL SET! Convenient.

I guess one of the issues was Micah and Jim discussing Lamborghinis. Oh the problems rich people have!

Vicki is making dinner and when Donn asks if he can help, she completely ignores him and just sighs a few times. She seriously hates him. Awkward!

Gretchen is going to Texas to be on a TV show to show her makeup and handbags. Is QVC in Texas?

Slade is trying to figure out how they will be getting all the items to Texas. He doesn’t want to spend extra money to bring all the stuff so he thinks maybe Alexis can put some of the makeup in her bag. (Alexis, Peggy and Fernanda are also going to Texas). Classy.

Slade's mom Liz comes to visit and actually says that Gretchen needs to work harder to pay all of Slade's bills (back child support). HA! When Gretchen goes to the store Slade and his mom talk about his income and he tries to say that he's getting income somewhere other than from marketing Gretchen.

Maybe someone is paying him to use greasy oil in his hair, otherwise why would he look like that?

Liz then thinks that maybe Gretchen's father retires he will give Slade his business. HA HA! Liz is funny.

Ok, Gretchen is in Texas to do the "San Antonio Living" show. Gretchen is really hoping she can have the success that Bethenny had with her "brand". Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

Peggy, her boobs, Tamra and Vicki are going on a wine tasting crawl. Peggy tells the girls about the reason behind Jim not attending the dinner party. They seem shocked that someone doesn't want to hang out with them.

Tamra is wearing white jeans, a furry vest and screams "woo hoo" when they walk into the winery. You're TOO OLD TAMRA!!!

Peggy and her boobs says "I would like to cheer..." Unless she has pom-poms under the table, I think she means "toast".

The "ladies" ask the guy at the winery to guess their tastes. Somehow this prompts Tamra to say "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere." I hate her.

At the second place, the guy pouring the wine gives them white first and then asks if they are ready to go to the dark side (red). Tamra says "I went to the dark side a long time ago, baby." I vomited.

Vicki is horrified because she assumes Tamra is making a sexual reference about Eddie being Latino. She says that the guy (wine guy) is obviously Mexican and he interuppts and says he's Puerto Rican. I'm so embarrassed for everyone involved.

Tamra is having dinner with Fernanda to look at their naked photo shoot pictures. Tamra confronts her about telling Lynne about their kiss. I'm again distracted at how awful Tamra looks. I think maybe Simon used to pay for her plastic surgery and now she doesn't have enough money for upkeep.

She looks especially bad next to Fernanda who looks about 20 years younger than her right now.

Alexis is at her photo shoot for her dress line at a hotel. She wants a photo of her on every single label. Her assistant guy (bowtie boy) does her makeup. We see her without eyeliner and eyeshadow and she looks SO MUCH YOUNGER!

Alexis tells us "I'm impressed with myself!" Oh my.

Jim shows up wearing a butt ugly shirt. He starts telling Alexis exactly how to stand for the photos. He looks like an old pervert.

Alexis (in interview) tells us how the bible says the man's role is to be the decision maker (vomit) but that this is "my baby". If she calls her dress line her "baby" one more time I'm going to send my vomit to her in an envelope.

16 & Pregnant: Danielle (from 5/10): Zzzzzzz

2011-05-11T21:54:00.000-04:00

Danielle had big ambitions when she was younger – she wanted to be a lawyer. Then she started hanging out with a group of girls who stick out their tongues for photos all the time.

She started skipping school and failing classes. Danielle’s grandmother figured she could help straighten Danielle out by having her live with her. That is where Danielle met her super-non-loser boyfriend who works at a fast food restaurant and has lost his license.

Grandma failed because Danielle got knocked up staying there. So, she’s back with her mom.

For some reason when I look at Danielle and her boyfriend (Jamie) I think they smell like shit. However, I just realized that our dog farted in the other room and it has made its way to the living room. But, these two are now going to remind me of shit. Great, the whole episode is going to make me gag.

I think having some sort of ugly facial piercing is a requirement to get on this show.

Danielle explains to her friends that they were not using any protection. Well…she says what the hick teen moms say “We didn’t have no protection or nothing.”

We find out how Danielle’s mom had her when she was 16 so I don’t know why her mom thought it was such a good idea to send her to her grandmother’s house since she got pregnant under her roof too.

I’m distracted by the giant wall length couch and the fake wood paneling on the walls.

Danielle goes to a fair or something with her friend Sierra. Sierra has ugly sunglasses and a mini-backpack. She just keeps saying “That’s weird.” and “That’s just weird.”

Danielle and her mom (Casey) go shopping at a store that has their baby carriages displayed in a giant pile on the sidewalk.

She mentions to Casey that she wants to move out on her own with Jamie and asks how much she’ll need monthly to live. She says Jamie makes $300 in his paycheck and her mom assumes she means every week…but of course, that’s every two weeks. She’s shocked. Did she really think he made that much working at a fast food restaurant?

Casey says the word “financially” like “financually”.

Later Danielle and Jamie talk about finances and they obviously aren’t mature or smart enough to figure this out.

The plan for now is to live with Casey for a week and a half after the baby is born and then move to Jamie’s dad’s house. Casey wants Danielle to stay at home until she’s 18.

One day later on, Danielle’s friends stop by and one of them has a shirt that says “Jesus is my BFF!” She better hope Alexis from the Real Housewives of Orange County doesn’t see that…she’ll scratch her eyes right out. Jesus is hers.

She’s having contractions so she’s heading to the hospital. Jamie starts playing around with some clippers on the counter and then gets grossed out that there is hair on it. What did he think they were for? In an OBGYN’s office hair clippers can only be for one area.

Danielle and Casey are both texting on their phones. This is when I realize that I’m probably older than Casey. She had Danielle at 16 and Danielle is now 16…so that makes her 32. Yeah, I’ll be 33 in July. So had I gotten knocked up at 16 I could be a grandmother right now.

Of course, the doctor says that she wants to induce her because no one knows any better than to say no. They start pitocin. Hours later she’s in pain and decides she wants “that crap”. That crap = epidural.

Alarms start sounding because the baby has stopped breathing. They don’t show any of it on TV but they used the vacuum thing to suck the baby out. Luckily, he’s fine.

After they take the baby home we find out that Jamie has missed a few shifts at work. When he goes to talk to his boss they’ve suspended him and told him that when he comes back to work he can only have about 10 hours a week. Why didn’t he call his boss to tell him his son was being born?

He says he doesn’t even want to go back because they have a grudge against him now. How grown up?

The couple follows through with their plan and they move to Jamie’s dad’s house. Jamie gets a construction job with his father.

Casey stops by to give Danielle her grades – she has two F’s. She’s realizing that because Jamie can’t help her when he gets home from work that she will be unable to keep up with her school work.

Jamie’s father complains to Jamie and Danielle that no one is cleaning. Blah blah blah.

Danielle wants to put the baby (Jamie Jr.) in day care so that she can do homework. Jamie is completely against it even though he won’t help her take care of the baby so she can study.

She decides that moving to her mother’s house will be the best because she will have a lot of help. As long as Casey isn’t drawing on her eyebrows, she will have lots of time to help out with the baby.

This episode was reminiscent of last season – BORING.

The Real Housewives of NYC from 5/5: Stop Saying Pinot Grigio

2011-05-11T21:41:00.000-04:00

Ding dong, Jill is back from Australia. Oh how I have not missed her.

She’s joining Sonja, Kelly and LuMann for lunch to catch up. Jill hands the ladies a gift she bought them in Australia. Or maybe at the airport. Or in a junk store on the way to lunch. They are stupid little koala clips and she thinks they are going to put them on their purse.

She says she’s had a lot of time to think and that she’s done with the gossiping. Sure. And I’m done making fun of reality TV. She didn’t last 5 minutes of no gossip, they are already talking about Cindy/Ramona and Kelly/Ramona/drunk text.

Over in Brooklyn, Alex and Simon come home with their two sons and there is piano music coming from inside the apartment. I guess it is one of the boys’ birthday and Alex and Simon have surprised the boys with a strange man playing the piano in the house. Francois even says “Who is that guy?”

Weird.

Ok well apparently the piano is the gift, the guy playing it was just an extra surprise to scare the boys because some strange man was in their apartment. Francois couldn’t care less about this piano but Alex thinks he’s going to be a great pianist.

Kelly asks Sonja to come with her to confront Ramona at a restaurant. Ramona shows up wearing a pleated leather skirt. No one should ever wear that. Ever.

Kelly mentions for the 800th time that she has tons of acquaintances and she’s not interested in anymore acquaintances. She doesn’t want to fight with Ramona anymore.

BORING.

Sonja’s place. She has Cindy over and Cindy is wearing a white long sleeved shirt, brown shorts, gray thigh high socks and black knee high boots. WTF?

Apparently Sonja’s “butler” is a Latin dancer so Cindy starts dancing with her and Sonja seems mortified.

Sonja is confronting Cindy about her telling Kelly about her evil plan about getting Ramona and Kelly in the same place. Cindy denies that she ever mentioned to Kelly that Ramona was invited to the cooking party. Bravo is the best when they throw in the clip to prove that she is in fact lying. She DID tell Kelly that Ramona was going to the cooking party.

Sonja then tells Cindy that Ramona mentioned to her that she got all the way to her party in Quogue and she didn’t have Pinot Grigio for her. Holy shit Ramona…self absorbed much?? But for some reason Sonja is trying to convince Cindy that Ramona is a “star”. I’m so confused. Ramona's a star? In what universe? There is some sort of pecking order in the group of friends and Ramona is on top.

Ramona has apparently turned her jewelry business into like a Tuppware/Pampered Chef/Mary Kay type thing. She’s having a party at her house to show some new jewelry.

LuMann tells the camera that Ramona’s jewelry is very nice, it’s just not for her. As she’s wearing a GIGANTIC gold butterfly around her neck. At least it isn’t a moccasin or a teepee on a chain but damn…can you really make fun of someone’s jewelry when you’re wearing something like that?

Now Ramona is talking to LuMann about Cindy not having Pinot Grigio at her party for her.

Kelly and Cindy are taking a walk and they run into Jill walking her dog. Strike two Jill…gossiping again. But I’m bored. Please let something happen.

Oh, it’s the Toaster Oven Party. And Sonja’s toaster oven is from 1984. She claims to have cooked for royalty out of this toaster oven. I guess they like Stouffer’s French bread pizza?

It involves tinfoil. LuMann is shitting her pants. She’s not used to this kind of ghetto service.

And this isn’t a party – it is Sonja, Kelly and LuMann. What a disappointment.

Jill wants to make amends with Alex so she goes to her place in Brooklyn. Alex is wearing a shitload of makeup. She must’ve applied it herself though because she doesn’t say “I just came from a shoot.”

Alex brings up Bethenny and says that she was starting to see Jill treat her like she did Bethenny. She tried to ruin Simon’s business by saying he drank too much. Alex says that Jill called her kids animals. Jill denies it. No flashback by Bravo. Boo.

Cindy and Ramona are meeting for lunch – all these women do is eat, drink and gossip. Ramona’s wearing sunglasses inside like she’s going incognito or something. Oh wait, she's a "star".

Ramona orders….drumroll….Pinot Grigio. Cindy orders a martini – she needs vodka to deal with Ramona.

Holy shit they are actually talking about Cindy’s party and how she didn’t have Pinot there for her. She was disappointed in Cindy’s party because she had time with her husband, away from her daughter and she wanted to do adult things – not attend a “kiddy” party like Cindy’s was. I guess if there is no Pinot, it’s a child’s party. Ramona is so full of herself this season.

What a boring fucking episode!!

Survivor: Redemption Island: 8pm Mass (from 5/4)

2011-05-06T01:01:00.000-04:00

So one of the first night vision shots at Raw Sewage Island was this:

For a second I was looking at it thinking that it was all of the people who were voted there, laying curled up next to each other. Now that I'm looking at it again it seems to resemble one of those 3D Ultrasounds.

Back at the camp, Natalie starts crying when they get back from Tribal Council. She's homesick. She's only 19...I haven't really rooted for anyone yet but I might be hoping she wins. That's got to be tough out there and being only 19. At 19 I cried if I had a sunburn.

Tree mail brings a cell phone that has videos from family members. Natalie's mom, Andrea's dad, Phillip's sister, Rob's sister and Ashley's mom send messages.

Also, Grant's brother-in-law...who is wearing a red scarf around his neck. I don't know if he was going for a gay pirate look or if he was pretending to be wearing a Survivor "buff".

On Raw Sewage Island, they also get a phone. Jesus is pumped.

Ralph's message tells him that some of his chickens were killed. Mike's mom looks young enough to be his wife. Steve's brother tears up a bit, it is sweet. Jesus' brother sends a message, they have the exact same smile.

Duel time. The winner of the duel today will get to spend time with a loved one in person. When they do this type of thing I get annoyed because they obviously flew all of their family members there because they don't know who will win...so some people just took off work, took a trip to Raw Sewage Island for nothing! I'd be pissed. Damn you for not winning the duel, I took off work, found a babysitter, sweat my ass off and I get nothing? You better get back in the game and win a million dollars.

The duel involved breaking tiles. Mike wins so he gets to stay in the game but he also can hang out with his mom. I hope his mom brought toothpaste, a toothbrush and deodorant for him.

Steve loses - but he didn't even try. I think he wanted to go home. When he was leaving he should have asked what tree his family member was hiding behind because you know he was right around the corner.

As the winner, Mike has a few choices. #1 He can hang out with his mom. #2 He can give up his family time and let Jesus and Ralph hang with their family #3 He can give the rest of the 6 tribe members time with their families.

Grant's brother-in-law is still wearing the scarf around his neck.

Anyway, when contemplating the decision, Mike goes all Matt on us. Matt meaning Jesus. He's quoting the bible.

He's choosing option #3. I was mad at him at first - these people voted you out! But then Mike's mom talks and says how this is who he is...he's a hero and she's so proud of him. Yeah, I teared up a lil bit.

If Mike gets back to go back in the game and gets voted out again I hope he hides Phillips shorts AND underwear so the rest of them have to see him naked the rest of the time.

Mike tells Ralph and Jesus that he asked god to help him win and that god was asking him to give the prize to the others. Again...I would seriously be pissed off if I were someone somewhere suffering from a disease or a natural disaster praying to god for help and he's off answering reality TV show contestants prayers!

Side note: Jesus looks like he's wearing a pink/plum shade of eyeshadow and some lipstick.

Family time at camp.

Andrea's dad asks her how she keeps her hair looking so nice. Yeah, that would be the first thing my dad would ask me.

Natalie and her mom are talking about god as well.

Phillip is reminded by his sister why he's there and that he will "continue to dominate." When has he dominated?

Rob talks to his sister and she barely says a thing, its like she is on a blind date with him and is experiencing that awkward silence.

Immunity challenge time. They have to build stairs and make it to the top first. It looks really tiring as I yawn from my recliner. Jeff also says it is 110 degrees. I just reapplied some deodorant.

Rob wants to make sure that Andrea doesn't win immunity because she is the one they want to vote out next. So he wins, shoelaces untied and all.

Everyone is breathing so heavily and Rob is in a lot of pain. His legs are cramping and he needs help standing up. I imagine this must be like what my friend Danielle felt like after running the Boston Marathon a couple weeks ago.

Poor Andrea doesn't realize that everyone is talking about sending her home. She thinks it will be Phillip.

Phillip starts taking down some of the leafy-roof of their sleeping area and puts it in the fire. He then starts yelling at Andrea for waving her hands around when there is a wasp near her.

He tells the camera that his plan the entire time is to get under people's skin because he wants them to think that if they take him with them to the end, they will most likely win over him because who would want him to win? He claims it is a brilliant strategy. Umm...except that you DO piss off everyone and ANY of these people are more likely to win than you, Phillip. Special Agent Pink-O didn't think that far ahead.

Well, I guess he has because he tells the camera that he knows what to say about Rob to make people not want him to win.

At Tribal Council Jeff mentions that Phillip didn't do well in today's challenge. Phillip's excuse is that it was 110 degrees and he's a 52 year old man. "I've been waiting and hoping that we would do something that required upper body strength because when I went into the army at 29 out of 1500 men no man could outrun me, do more push-ups or do more sit-ups." He needs to stop bragging about this made up army he was in.

Andrea was blindsided (of course) and was voted to Religious Island.

The Real Housewives of NYC: Stop Saying Quogue (from 4/28)

2011-05-04T01:45:00.000-04:00

Cindy meets up with Sonja and tells her that because she got a little tipsy off of a martini the other night, she got home and ate pistachios and chipped her two front teeth.

She should not be making this face out on the street like this. She's also carrying around pieces of veneers in a little mini hat box. They go inside a store and they use fixident to try to glue some temporary veneers.

They try on dresses and Sonja thinks the whole time that they are going to lunch but Cindy won't go out to eat without her teeth intact. Sonja came all the way downtown to go out to lunch and she's pissed when Cindy tells her they aren't going. I don't blame her. But I also love Sonja.

Sonja is having a cooking party and wants to invite both Kelly and Ramona even though they aren't getting along right now. Cindy isn't invited and she calls it a "Toaster Oven Party". Are they cooking English Muffin pizzas?

LuMann and her daughter talk about how they live in The Hamptons but LuMann goes into the city a lot to shop, see her friends and "work on her music". (Did anyone else totally picture Ross in college playing the keyboard?)

Jacques comes by and does something strange with his dog.

Kelly says "The Hamptons in the fall are so unbelievable." I thought it was a faux pas to say The Hamptons as if it is plural? She should have said "The Hamptons in the fall is so unbelievable." But...I don't know where I heard that so I could be wrong.

Kelly has Sonja over to ride horses. Kelly is nervous to ride with Sonja because these horses are top of the line and they aren't at a dude ranch. So is she worried that Sonja will break the expensive horse?

She keeps telling Sonja to keep shorter reigns but Sonja just doesn't care and just does what she wants and down...she...goes.

Damn, in the previews I had thought that Kelly fell.

Sonja and Kelly sit down to talk about Ramona. She then mentions the party she's having to teach Kelly how to use a toaster oven. Why doesn't Kelly know how to use a toaster oven? Sonja does not tell Kelly that Ramona is invited as well.

It is Columbus Day Weekend so LuMann is having the ladies over for cocktails. Cindy talks about her party in Quogue and Sonja keeps saying that she won't go there. LuMann chimes in (in interview) that Quogue is sort of "low-rent" but you don't point that out to someone who lives there or is having a party there.

Yes, this looks very low rent:

Suddenly LuMann is all Native American and people even bring her Native American gifts.

I don't understand most of what is going on here because they all seem to be talking at once and Sonja interrupts everyone.

Alex shows up and she's wearing a fur vest. Alex is wearing a fur vest. Her hair is normal so she didn't come from a "shoot".

Ramona's wearing some kind of fur too.

She brings up a question for LuMann about how she lives out in the Hamptons and her kids are there, but during the week she lives in the city. LuMann corrects her and says she only stays in the city a couple of days. Ramona says "So you're kind of more like a weekend mom now." Ramona is so inappropriate.

Alex doesn't take off her vest so I'm wondering if it is a coat/vest or like a shirt/vest. Either way it is hideous.

Cindy decides to tell Kelly that she shouldn't bring her kids to Sonja's toaster oven party because Ramona is going there. She hopes Kelly won't say anything to Sonja that she told her. HA!

There is some sort of big dog walk where all the ladies come with their dogs. Ramona's wearing a velour track suit and LuMann has what look like moccasins on. I told you.

Ramona is talking in all questions? About the situation? With the cigar? And the dead guy? And Cindy's brother?

When Sonja and Kelly make it to the beach with their dogs, Kelly tells Sonja exactly what Cindy told her. Way to keep a secret Kell! She basically tells Sonja that she won't go because she doesn't want to be in a combative situation. How is it that broad-shouldered-Kelly is making sense this season? Has she lost her crazy?

Nope! Still crazy!

Here we are, finally in the famous Quogue at Quogue Farm for Cindy's party. Stop saying Quogue.

Cindy rides on a horse and basically whines the whole time. Why did she have a party at a horse farm?

Ramona gets there and immediately asks where her Pino Grigiot is...they MUST have it anywhere she goes because that is the only thing she'll drink. Everyone cater to Ramona, please!

LuMann shows up with another Native American-type necklace. This is getting weird.

Ramona gets to ride a horse but she has to be pulled around like it is a pony ride so she wants to go back because she's bored. I kind of don't blame her, they are treating her like a child on a pony.

People also to get to ride on four wheelers. This seems like the best non-stuffy party they've had on this show.

LuMann, Kelly, Cindy and Ramona are sitting at a table. Kelly and Cindy talk about some luncheon she's having at Kelly's the next day and Ramona is all offended that they are talking about it in front of her. She thinks it is impolite and rude.

So her reaction is "Thanks for not inviting me, I invite you to everything!" Way to make things comfortable.

Ramona wants to talk to Cindy's brother to clear the air about the cigar thing. He keeps telling her that this is not the time, he's with his father, this is Cindy's birthday party, it is not the time. Of course Ramona is not going away, she's like a mosquito.

Cindy comes over and yells "Not at my birthday. Absolutely not!" and she is shooing Ramona away. Ramona and Cindy walk to the side to talk about it. She convinces Ramona to drop it and then they take away the vegetable dip from the table. I'm pissed about that. I love the veggie dip. I don't double dip - do people in Quogue double dip? I'm classy!