Ain't Nuthin' but a B Thang

Oh The Places You Will Go

2011-12-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

Gosh it feels like months since I last posted. I guess you could say I have been busy. I recently spoke with TPlan and he said something that really left a lasting impact. We were talking about Ben and where I was in my journey. I told TPlan that I was doing better, more good days, than bad, but none the less still heartbroken. I told him that I am trying my best to do what I can for Ben....and TPlan said, "at some point you need to stop living for Ben and start living for you. Ben needs you to go on, he needs you to live." Wow, TPlan is right....I need to do what I need to do for me, and I have really really embraced this.

December has been a busy month. I spent the first weekend of December attending 3 holiday parties in one day. And two were Ugly Christmas Sweater flip cup parties. Unfortunately both parties were planned to include the State game....need I say more. Gosh, watching that game, was like a dagger to the heart. I still can't talk about that game....why do I care so much about MSU? Well maybe it's because so much of who I am is MSU....I did all my growing up at MSU. The parties were a hit, and the best part of my night was tackling Phil at Gail's house. I should come with a waver, disclosing my uncontrolled tendencies to jump/tackle men at parties. I guess I don't know why I do it, but I love doing it....so much fun. I think for me, it amounts to me being able to say you just got taken down by a hamster, a little girl with no strength, just schooled your ass....ha!

Then lets not forget the long runs with the boardwalk crew, and our weekly whirlpool Wednesdays. I, without a doubt, have been living, living life. I can say for sure, that when I smile now, it's a real smile. I am finding Joy again. It's crazy to think about all the people I have meet on my journey. People who are battling cancer, people who cared for Ben, people from the building, old friends, new friends, Chicago friends, college friends, law school friends, and I love them all. The thing about me, is that you get what you get. I am Lindsay...take it or leave it. And when I love you, I love you. I could not have done this without my friends. My friends saved my life...so thank you guys.

And this past week, I went to the Wizard of OZ with Ms. G, hosted a serious holiday party, stayed out late, laughed my ass off, danced my ass off, relaxed, and ran a road race. I am taking full advantage of every opportunity. And in my heart, I know that I will one day find love again. I am a hopeless romantic, and one guy will be stupid enough to take the bait. I am not meant to be alone forever....it's just not possible. The Wizard of OZ was great. It was so suiting since the most selfless gift I ever received from Ben was tickets to Wicked. I wanted to see Wicked so bad, I would have made a trade with the devil. And Ben kept saying, no stop asking. Well this was all to throw me off the scent. I was so stunned that he actually got me tickets for Christmas I cried. To think that he was going to do something with me that didn't involve sports, or fantasy football was amazing. He really did it for me. So during the Wizard of OZ, I kept thinking about Ben. Ben was laughing while I sang my butt off, and smiled. Michele and I had a great time. And the night would not have been complete without a funny Lindsay moment. I convinced Michele to take off her shoes and walk barefoot. Her feet were killing her, and why not walk around GR without shoes in the middle of December? Why would anyone listen to my advice? I make terrible decisions, but she did, and we ended up laughing so hard, we were close to tears.

Then Friday brought the Holiday Party. Carrie and I stayed home, did some baking, some cooking, and some drinking, and by 7 we were ready to get the party started. I had friends over from all walks of life. I was honored to have them over. I kept looking around, and thinking about how lucky I was. I mean, why am I so lucky to have so many great friends? Again the night was filled with so much laughing, that my abs actually hurt. From the spittoon, to the hopper, to the dance floor....funny moments galore. I am already excited about our next girls night out!!!!

And today Bear and I ran the Whoville race with Carrie, and Erin. It was a short 5K, but it was so much fun. I can honestly say, I am living. I am doing it! I know Ben is happy. He would want this. It still is crazy to think he is gone. It is crazy to think about everything I did, he did, in our first ear of marriage. I still think about him everyday, but I know he is watching. He is smiling, smiling big. So it is my hope that he has a wonderful Christmas, and that I am able to get through the Holidays...the holidays are hard. But, I am strong dammit, and I will prevail.

Making A List, Checking It Twice

2011-12-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

The Holidays are such a hard time of year. I dubbed Ben, Tim the Tool Man of Christmas. Oh my goodness do I have some funny holiday stories. I don't know a Jewish man who loved Christmas, and Christmas lights more than Benjamin Ross Mutnick. He counted down the days each year until he could dust off the "Christmas Box", and deck the halls. As a matter of fact, I think part of the reason he asked me to marry him was so that he could finally be a part of the entire holiday experience...i.e. presents and stocking stuffers.

The first year we owned our condo in Chicago, I received a call from Ben telling me to hurry home, he had a surprise....a surprise? Like a ring? Like an engagement ring? I drove my 4 door Protege home, like Tony Stewart at the Indy 500. I kept thinking....it's really happening, I'm getting engaged. I pulled into our parking spot, squealing the tires of my maroon ride, and hauled ass inside. I run up the spiral staircase only to find my entire condo decked out in holiday cheer. Ben decided to go on a wild shopping spree at the local CVS, and managed to hang lights where I didn't think lights could be hung. All I could think was....holy tacky. Mutnick are you kidding? He had out the menorahs, and figurines, and stockings, and so many lights you had to wear sunglasses and SPF to watch TV. I'm thinking....I rushed home for this? Where's the ring? There's a ring right?

That same year, we hosted our annual law school gang Holiday party. Everyone came, and everyone stayed. We own a small 2 bedroom condo in the City. It was a tight fit, and there were bodies everywhere, but we packed it in. The night featured Amber's legendary punch, adult onesie pajamas, drinking Jenga....Ben's idea not a good one, and a search and rescue party for John and Bear. John kidnapped Bear and held her hostage...haha no way. John took Bear outside for a potty break and ended up locked out and alone on the stairs in the main entrance of the condo. Rest assured we all noticed that Bear was missing and found them safe and sound....wait, we realized John was missing...wink wink. The night ended with Julia mattress surfing and Justin landing the best ever White Elephant Statue you could find. Gosh did we ever have a good time.

Our first year in Michigan, as a married couple, Ben again was determined to outfit our rental home with Christmas cheers. I felt like I was part of the Christmas vacation movie. We made a trip to Home Depot where I gave Ben, or tried to give Ben, the 411 on Christmas tree purchasing. I tried to explain that it was CRITICAL that the stump of the tree was flat. I told Ben the legendary Don Homrich, Christmas tree-jump rope story. And how Big D purchased a tree with an uneven stump, causing the tree to tip so bad, that he was forced to tie the tree with a jump rope....neon purple to boot, to the valence in the living room. I told Ben that he didn't want a crooked tree.....oh how men don't listen. We ended up bringing home the worst tree Home Depot had for sale....and what a shock, that damn tree leaned like crazy. What made matters worse was that same night Ben decided to hang Christmas lights in the front tree....we had over one thousand lights. I once again offered my Christmas advice urging Ben to make sure he wired the lights the correct way....again tuned me out. He only realized how important my advice was when we went to plug the lights in, and he ended up with a female to female connection....that's right no prong to plug into the wall. You could see the rage on his face. He worked on that tree for hours and for what? Not to light up. I thought, you idiot, you raging idiot....hahahah. So me, being the wife that I am decided to drive to the Home Depot and make this right. I crafted a homemade male to male adapter....prongs on both ends. This is very dangerous...people please don't try this at home. I drove that little Protege back home to show Ben the adapter that I made. At this point he was so pissed he didn't care whether the tree lit up or not. But I was determined to spread the Holiday cheer. I went outside and plugged the adapter in. However in that same moment, I also electrocuted myself.....i felt the current running down my arms. I was so scared and threw that cord down, and by God that stupid ass tree lit up like the Forth of July. All of this trouble for what I'll tell you what for....for Ben. I risked my life in the name of Christmas, and in the name of Ben Mutnick.......what a clown.

And most years we decorated cookies, and lit candles for Hanukkah. Ben didn't miss a beat....not when it came to the Holidays. I decided this year to again forgo decorating. I figure, why go to all that trouble for me...well Bear and I. It takes way too much time to take all that stuff out, just to turn around and put it all back. Maybe I am scrooge, or maybe it is my way of repressing some of the happiest and now saddest times of my life. I'll never forget how happy Ben was to see all the presents under our tree, or to fill my stocking with gifts. I'll never forget him saying to me how magical Santa really was, and how proud he was to be an uncle and to share in the magic behind Santa.

It's wild to think that this time last year I was walking behind Ben's casket. I had already lost him, and was now burying him. It was best friends 30th birthday....what a birthday present right? I was out with the guys having a makers mark on the rocks, taking shots at a local bar following the funeral. We were watching State...it was a cloud.....and out of no where Yellow Led Bedder started playing....our wedding song. I burst into tears. And then tonight I was at the salon getting my nails done and they were serving whisky....so fitting right? I had a glass and felt like crying. A glass of whisky in your honor. Monday was the year anniversary of your death. I tried hard to celebrate Ben's life instead of dwelling on his death. I tried to remember the great times. Stories have been flowing all week about Ben.... some funny and some sad. People keep saying that I seem to be better, but what most people don't know is that I am still really sad, however I have gotten great at hiding how I feel, how I really feel. Going to the cemetery is still hard and still heartbreaking. I mean Ben has a headstone, a real f-ing headstone. I went on Monday to honor him/visit him. Let's just cut out the bullshit....it sucked. Bear kept looking around for her papa. It's like she knew he was there....she had a moment with him, I'm sure of that. I still feel like he is gone on vacation somewhere where he can't take a call and that he might, might come home...but deep down, in that place, I don't like to go, I know that he is gone and is not coming back. I have accepted that his journey was one that had to end here on Earth, even though that decision has caused me endless heartache......and much weight loss. I'm here to tell you, there is nothing better than the grief diet. I hope this past year for Ben has been one filled with fun and peace.....I think of you everyday buddy.

Gooble, Gooble

2011-11-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

First off, I hope that everyone was able to enjoy themselves over this past holiday weekend. I have been in Greenville since late Wednesday night. I started my weekend off at Salon Re, where I got a cut and color with one of my favorite people in the world, Joy....I mean who else can say that their stylist gave them a bottle, yes people a bottle of wine to take home. She even made a custom label for the wine at a benefit, and had the bottle chilled and waiting for me just because she knew this Holiday was going to be a rough one.

The plan was for an early morning Thanksgiving Day deer hunt, but Jr. thought that going hunting was a horrible idea. He was certain, that in the event we actually got a deer, I would go over the edge seeing it die. I guess Jr. is smarter than I thought....he's right, what a bad idea. Not to mention Big D told me the only way I could go hunting was to take a shower and wash my hair. Are you kidding me? I just got my hair done.....no way Don, not happening. So I stayed back and waited for the Courterier crew to arrive. I have to say, I was anxious all day long. I cried, and smiled, and cried, and smiled, and drank, and smiled, and cried, and drank. It was hard to believe that Ben was not with me on Turkey Day. This was the first TThanksgivingn without him in 6 years. Ben and I made a network of family and friends in Chicago. We were always with our "family" around the Holiday. Many nights out with our closest friends the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Having one drink to ensure that everyone made their flights, or trips home for the Holiday. When we lived in Chicago we spent the Holiday at Cari's. Her dinners were always so wonderful, and it was pretty convenient seeing that we only lived 15 minutes away. The entire Resnick crew was always in town, so Ben and I were with our family....our Chicago family. I'll never forget making my famous salad with toasted pecans. It was the first time I/We ever brought a dish to pass, and I was nervous. The salad turned out great....even Ben loved it. And for Ben to say he loved a salad is impressive. This is coming for a guy who always said a salad was not a meal, rather a side dish. Ironic considering all I ever eat is salad. And Cari put my mind at ease with her honey cake story. Nothing can be worse than Cari's honey cake story. The guys watched the Lions and the ladies cooked and gossiped....just as it should be.

Or there were the years spent in the D at Tam. Another tradition that Ben and I loved. It was a Turkey Dinner in true style....everyone dressed to the 9's, sharing drinks and laughs. It was at Tam that Ben rocked his mustache and where Scott, Ben's cuz told him that his mustache made him look dignified. Dignified...yeah right, Ben looked anything but dignified...he looked like a serial killer.

And then of course there was last year....omg. Dinner was spent together at Hospice. Don, Nanc , and Nick brought the entire Thanksgiving dinner to us. DBone, Michael, and I were there with Ben. By this time Ben was starting to leave us. He remained in his bed, while the rest of the family gathered on the other side of his room trying to find some joy...far reaching that's for sure. We had Thanksgiving dinner in the community kitchen at Trillium Woods. It was so sad, and I had a feeling this would be the last holiday I had with Ben. Ben did wake up a bit and had one piece of homemade Turkey, it was the best he could do. Jr. told me that Trillium Woods was the saddest place he had ever been and that he was sorry but that he could not come back.....his eyes filled with tears. There lay Ben, his "brother", hardly hanging on, almost unrecognizable to us at this point, completely debilitated, completely removed. If I close my eyes, I can see this day in my head. I can tell you what everyone wore, and where everyone sat. I remember it like it was yesterday.

And now here I sit this early Sunday morning, recapping this years Turkey Day. So much has changed for the Homrich Family in the past year. The kids are all a year older, and much smarter. You can't get much by them anymore. They are so cute...my buddies. However it was the first Homrich Turkey Day without BMuttz. It was hard. I am the only one at the table without someone, but I should have someone, I did have someone. But even more unnerving to me, is thinking about Ben. Is he alone on Thanksgiving? I have my family, and friends, more than loving people, but Ben, does Ben have the same network? Can you image how scared he was to leave Earth? Knowing he was going to a place where none of us would be, a place he had to travel to alone. He had to have been terrified. Shit it terrifies me to think about it. But he never showed fear. Maybe that was for me. Maybe he was trying to stay brave for me, so that I wouldn't be scared and so that I would say goodbye and let him go. I guess I will never know...that is until it's my time. What a cluster.....what a cluster.

And of course there is Monday....Monday, Monday. Monday marks the one year anniversary of Ben's passing. It was the single worst day of my life. I can say in full confidence that it will forever remain the worst day of my life "as long as we both shall live". I'm not even going to rehash this day....it's just too hard. I considered taking a small vacation as a means to get away and heal, but I am saving my vaca for this winter when the weather is unbearable...look out NC and Mexico here I come. Yes plans are in the works to get me the H out of Michigan.

I have to say though, that I have made some progress in my journey. My closest family and friends spent the weekend sharing funny stories about Ben. We laughed and cried. And I am so happy living at Boardwalk. It is a great place for me and Bear. I love my friends, and I love my digs. My Boardwalk friends are adventurous and they push me to get back out in the world, and for that I'm thankful. Now to decide whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays. It is something that Ben would insist on doing, but it is something I am not sure I am ready to do. I have tons of funny Christmas stories that I will share in the upcoming weeks. These are stories worth reading. Ben was one hell of a funny guy....no doubt about that. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Ben. That I don't wonder what he's doing. I wish I had some answers, something to give me comfort that everything is going to be alright.

So for now I keep moving forward. I keep loyal to my friends, and of course my Spartans. Please please let the Spartans make it to the Rose Bowl....gosh would that be awesome or what?

Amor Eterno

2011-11-15T15:25:00.000-08:00

Wow Wow Wow....what a weekend. It all started last Thursday, when I made the long and quiet road trip to the D. You see last weekend was Tony's wedding, and I flew out of Detroit, with DBone and Bradley...B's Cuz..correction my Cuz. Road trips are the worst. The quiet of the car leads the mind to places, that otherwise would go unvisited. I thought long and hard about the last year of my life. About how much we were all going to miss Ben at the wedding. I arrived in the D just in time to hit the hay. It was a night filled with little sleep. It was the first time that I slept all alone at Dianne's. Usually I have the dog, but not even Bear made the trip. I laid on the couch, under Ben's tee shirt blanket, staring at the ceiling, counting sheep, hoping to catch an hour of sleep. I kept sitting up and staring at the other side of the couch, empty, cold, and quiet. It was so strange. It was strange to think that on Friday, I was going to make the trip to Vegas, to watch Ben's best bud get married. I kept thinking...wth. I finally feel asleep only to wake up, with the same anxiety I had when I went to sleep. All I could think about was how happy and proud Ben would be to see Tony marry Xazmin. He would have been smiling ear to ear.

So early Friday morning, D Bone, Brad, and I boarded a plane for Vegas. We arrived at the Golden Nugget Hotel in the old part of Vegas.....let the fun begin. Truth be told, I hate gambling, so one might think....what else is there to do in Vegas. Well I kept myself entertained with hours of people watching, poolside reading, and cocktail sipping. D Bone, and Brad on the other hand love to gamble, so Vegas is like Disney World to them and they immediately hit the machines and tables. I did sit down a few times to play black jack, but didn't end up winning anything until Saturday night at the craps table.....more to come on that. D Bone, Brad, and I ended up hanging out alone until late afternoon, when some of the college crew started rolling in....oh boy oh boy. Just seeing Chris, Kris, and Alejandro took my breath away. Here I was at the wedding of Ben's best friend, representing him, honoring Tony, trying to hold it together. The crew of 6 spent some time at the bar patiently waiting for Tony to arrive.....the anxiety mounted.

Earlier that day I met Tony's parents for the first time. I immediately burst into tears. Ben loved them so much, and both his parents and I knew so much about each other, and here we stood face to face without Ben for our first introduction. They are so nice, and it is understandable why Ben loved them so much. He called them his second parents. I could see the hurt in their faces too. Fortunately I am the master at turning a quick cry, into a huge smile....game on. Finally the man of the hour arrived. Tony looked so happy, I wrapped my arms around him as fast as I could. I can't look at Tony without seeing Ben, so my instinct was to hug him, and blink back the tears. He pulled away as said out loud just what I was thinking...."it is so good to see you, but I can hardly look at you without seeing Ben." I turned to the right, and there D Bone sat balling her eyes out....shit, what a mess, what a frickin mess.

I just kept telling myself that this weekend was not about you or Ben....it was about Tony and X. It was about a perfect union. It is what most people live for, and with this in mind I was able to push back my sadness and surge on. The entire crew of 9 of us decided to spend the evening out on the town celebrating. And celebrate we did. What was funny about the whole weekend was that the boys treated me like they treated Ben....teasing me, joking around, punching me in the arm. I think at one point, I had to tell Brad to take it easy on my arm, and had to remind him that I am not Ben and that he was going to bruise my arm. On top of that the guys kept giving me a hard time about my dress. It was a bit risky, but where else can you where a dress like that. Tony said "I sure hope you didn't meet my mom in that dress!" I about died. And then Brad said something about me working the corner, and Tony actually had gin and tonic come squirting out his nose.....just like one of the guys. But don't think I didn't give it right back.

Tony and I spent some time talking about Ben, and how much we loved him....missed him. It was refreshing, refreshing to know that everyone missed Ben. Dan told me that he was going to hang his "we got this" blue bracelet at his parents home in Maine. Maine meant so much to Ben...what an honor. The crew ended up at a bar/dance club, and capped off the night, or morning, at a gin bar.....score!!!! I love me some Gin and Tonics. I managed to play it pretty safe, so come Saturday I was feeling pretty great, however that was not the case for everyone. Saturday started early. The entire crew got up before 9 am to be down to the sports book in time to watch the Spartans play. It was amazing to be able to watch every game all at once. I love college football, so this was right up my alley. D Bone even came, however she wandered off for some time and came back to announce that she had just won 950 bucks in a penny slot machine....why does that never happen for me? I'll tell you why....I have no luck.....zero, zilch. We ended up watching all the early games before parting ways. I landed myself pool side where I passed out for 3 hours. I woke up to OPP blasting, with the sun blazing. It took me a few minutes to figure out where I was....oh yes Lindsay you are in Vegas. By this time, I needed to get up and get ready for the wedding....oh boy.

In all fairness the wedding was perfect, it was great. I thought it would be harder than it was. It didn't come without challanges, but I did it, and I am so glad I did. Xazmin looked radiant, and Tony was speechless. The wedding was very Spanish, a testament to both Tony and Xazmin. Outfitted with a true Mariachi Band, and vows in espanol. Their vows were so touching, however to be honest, I kept looking for Ben. Where was he? How could this be? I know Tony felt his absence too. It is so hard for me to hear the "till death do us part", in any wedding ceremony. It makes me so sad....I cried. I cried for so many reasons. Following the wedding we all moved inside. I was holding it together until Tony approached us wearing a cauliflower boutonniere. It was a true surprise to him too. This just goes to show how much Xazmin and her family honor, and love Tony. They obviously knew the story from our wedding about how the boys switched out Ben's rose for a piece of cauliflower. There Tony stood with a perfect looking cauliflower boutonniere. I couldn't take it.....D Bone and I ran into the bathroom. I was now beyond crying, and into what I would classify as a full out sob. Forget the make up....I now looked like Marlyn Manson....oh well. I'm not sure how I got it together but dammit I did. I thought to myself, I am done crying, we got this....wrong again. Next in line, the slide show and the table number. The table number was a picture of Pen Pen, Tony and Xazmin's dog wearing Ben's we got this bracelets. Oh my God. And to think Xazmin's family included Ben in so much of the wedding....what an honor. Great people, great people. And then the pictures flashed. It is one thing to look at pictures of B, but to see a picture of him that I have never seen, is like seeing him for the first time. Water works in full gear....shit. Again I get it together, but by now, I am rocking the all natural look, what a loser right? Well I can honestly say this was the last time I cried all night.

Let the dancing begin. Nothing like dancing your worries away. I had a great time. I love Tony and Xazmin and all the guys for being my friend, for caring for me, for loving me. I am so honored to be able to say that I was a part of Tony's special day. Shit I even got a cigar to smoke with the guys. I puffed on that Romeo and Juliet like a true champ. The night ended back at the hotel where Dave and I played some craps, and as I mentioned before I won. Dave dubbed me lady luck....we had a great time. I love throwing the dice. And before I knew it, it was 3 am, and I had to be up by 5 for my flight......not advised, not advised at all. But there is something to be said about hanging out with the crew and fitting in. The guys treat Katie and I like one of them. It is so important to me to be able to get along with my husbands' friends. After all, they are such an integral part of his life. They helped shape him into a man. I would hate it if the didn't like me, so I hope in writing this, that they really do, otherwise I'm in trouble. Not to mention I love all the girls. Pat said it best, "Every one of us guys out kicked the coverage. Gosh did we all get lucky."

Well thanks again to Tony and Xazmin for a perfect wedding, a perfect weekend, and for thinking to include Ben and I in the happiest day of your lives. Tony your best man was there. He was watching all of us, smiling....he is proud of you man, so proud.

My Homecoming

2011-11-07T14:49:00.000-08:00

On the Banks of the Red Cedar.......
On the Banks of the Red Cedar is where I first spread my wings.....Ahhhh MSU, my home, my shelter, my past. This past weekend, I embarked on what I thought would be an impossible challenge. I questioned for some time now, whether or not I could ever go back to EL. After all, aside from my heart, there is no place on Earth that holds more Ben memories than the EL. Every close friend has a Ben Mutnick Michigan State Memory. Michigan State is where Ben and I met. Ben often joked that he fell in love with me, or was it my ass, during our VO2 max lab. His job was to stand behind me and catch me when I finally flew off the back of the treadmill. It was intense, but I found comfort in knowing that Ben was going to catch me when I fell. I knew every home he lived in, every street, every class, every teacher....we shared so much at Michigan State. We used to joke about bringing our kids back and showing them where we met. We dreamed of putting them in Michigan State gear.....loud sigh.

As you would expect, Saturday was beyond perfect. I went back to MSU to tailgate and for my first game with some old and new friends. It was like Ben ordered up the most perfect day for me to return to our alma mater. He was there....he was happy....I was indifferent. I can't deny having a great time, because I did. I played bags, caught a tan, went to the game, cheered my heart out. I got to show my new friends the campus and I got to reminisce about the good times, and the not so good times. Last years tailgate was miserable. I watched as Ben struggled to enjoy the day, to stay warm, to ward off the demons, to hide his pain. It took everything for me to act like a wife and not a mom last year. I was so worried he was going to catch a cold, or end up in the hospital, but I sensed that I needed to let him be....let him enjoy his happiest place on Earth. He needed to go back one last time, and he knew in his heart it was his last.

I cried once, and chocked back tears several times, but I did it. Smiled through the pain, just as Ben did last year. Again I climbed to the top of a very high mountain, and looked down, smiling at my accomplishment. I would bet that most people would never have guessed how hard it was for to be there. I suppose I can check this off my "bucket" list.

The next order of business is Tony's wedding, and the anniversary of Ben's death. Two more mountains that I will climb, and that I will conquer with dignity and pride. There are days when I wish I could take Bear and sail away from all my past, and all this hurt and emptiness, but I know in my heart, the hurt and emptiness would follow us. And then mama and I would be stuck in the middle of no where even more lost. It is my hope that the boat finds its way and directs us to the happiness that awaits.....but we are still waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Unfortunately grief has a time line and mind of it's own. Yes, a loss like this takes 2-5 years to heal. One of my closest friends was shocked to hear this. But a loss of this magnitude takes time. It's not like a lost my family pet.....I lost my husband for gosh sakes.

So as the wedding of Ben's best friend in life approaches, I find it only appropriate to re-post Tony's tribute to Ben. It is super sad and beautiful, so if you have never read it, please prepare. Grab a glass of wine and some Kleenex and be sure to continue reading. You will not be disappointed, I promise you this. The good news is that I get to see "my crew" this weekend. The boys have been such a blessing to me. They are upholding the promise they made to Ben to watch out for me down here.

My Best Man

Posted By startswithanx on December 6, 2010

**Jake is guest blogging today. Brace yourself. It’s long – with excerpts taken from a 60-page document he wrote last week — but worth your time, especially if you’re a “Starts with an X” follower.**

X frantically shook me in the middle of the night, begging me to wake up.

“BMuttz is calling you,” she said. It was 1:30 a.m. and I stared at my phone in fear and disbelief. Was he really calling? It couldn’t be. It must be an accident, I thought. It’s 4:30 a.m. where he is. …

Still barely awake, stunned, not knowing if I was dreaming, I let the call go to voicemail. Together X and I listened to the message, and sure enough, it was him. His voice sent chills down my body. He sounded strained and fragile, like it was taking every ounce of energy to speak.

BMuttz wanted to talk to me. He was telling me he loved me. He was telling me how sorry he was he wasn’t going to make it to my wedding. I started crying, it was too much, I couldn’t listen to the rest of the message. I hung up.

This was no dream. …

Now, more awake than ever and feeling an adrenaline rush, I ran downstairs and called BMuttz back. I knew this would be a phone call I would remember for the rest of my life. Earlier in the day, I received the dreaded phone call from his wife, L, who reluctantly told me doctors gave her husband a maximum of three months to live. BMuttz has been fighting cancer since early this year, and everything the doctors have thrown at the disease has been in vain.

The chemotherapy: failed. The radiation: failed. The pain medicine: failed. Doctors were unable to figure out exactly what type of cancer was killing him. And to make it worse, BMuttz was enduring pain only few can fathom. He was living in hell.

During his bout, we would speak via text a few times a week. But since his condition deteriorated, I haven’t heard from him in weeks.

My best friend and his wife haven’t caught a break since this ordeal began 11 months ago, and now BMuttz was given a timeline for when his days on earth would end. All of these thoughts raced through my mind as I dialed his number.

He picked up and the first thing that came out of my mouth was that I was so happy he called. Almost immediately, we both began sobbing. He spoke in phrases through tears. He sounded tired and medicated.

He told me he loved me. He told me how sorry he was that he wouldn’t be there when I say I do to X. He told me my parents were second parents to him. I hung on every word and spoke some of my own. I told him he was the best friend I could have ever asked for. I told him he will never be replaced. I told him our friends would take care of his wife.

“I’ll watch her from above,” he said.

Meanwhile, X had made her way to the bottom of the staircase leading to our family room where I was talking on the phone. She was crying uncontrollably.

As BMuttz and I were having what seemed like our last conversation, a montage of our friendship rushed through my head. There was that time at football camp where we cackled uncontrollably one night because I didn’t pack enough socks for the three-day camp and had sweat through all the ones I brought. By the end of the weekend, I would have sold my soul for a clean pair.

Or that time BMuttz and I got in a fight with some opponents playing intramural b-ball at MSU. Or the time we rode a limo to our senior prom. Or that time we got kicked out of math class and demoted to remedial math. Or that time he texted me that he was getting sworn in as a lawyer. I told him I was beaming like a proud parent. One of his proudest moments instantly became one of mine.

So many great memories, why was this happening to him?

He was my friend of 20 years, my best friend since the age of 18. We were supposed to watch each other grow old and bicker like a married couple while regaling about our youth as we sat back in rocking chairs. Our wives were supposed to become best friends, so were our children. Why was this happening to him?

As I snapped back to reality, I told BMuttz not to be scared. I repeated it. I told him I would come be at his side. He was slow to respond and seemed confused. During that 10-minute phone call, we each said I love you at least a few dozen times.

When we said goodbye, not knowing if it was goodbye forever, I completely broke down. It was the hardest I’ve ever cried. Still confused at how big and surreal the moment was, I wondered to X if BMuttz was moments away from passing away. I could not figure out why he called me so early.

I found out some of those answers only a few days later when I saw BMuttz myself. Here are some excerpts of my visit at BMuttz’s hospice in Grand Rapids, Mich.

**************************************************

Day 1: There he was in the hospital bed, immobile, bearded with a swollen face. He actually looked a little healthier than the last time I saw him because he put on some weight. Looks can be deceiving. When I arrived, L, his wife, was sitting on a pullout bed with her husband only a few feet away in a Craftmatic-type hospital bed.

He was somehow hooked up to three different pain medications. His wife could administer them with a push of a button. A beep indicated when the medicine hit his body. He was wearing a green Hurley shirt and University of Texas burnt-orange shorts. He wore brown-rimmed glasses, the type that makes people look smarter, suitable for a working professor, which he was until about six weeks ago. He looked beautiful to me. ….

BMuttz woke up when a nurse came into the room in order to give him some medication orally. She asked him to take the medicine. BMuttz responded: “I hate it.” It was funny, yet so damn sad. It wasn’t BMuttz’s only stint as a comedian that night. Earlier, during his first time awake, I said something I can’t recall and BMuttz said: “Let’s party.”

My fucking bro, there he was, immobile, depending on people like a child, on his deathbed, but still with a sense of humor. There are many lessons to be taken from BMuttz. God dammit, he’s a great person.

After BMuttz reluctantly took the nasty medicine that was mashed up in apple sauce, the nurse decided he had to be moved. You could actually see the fear in his eyes. For him, movement meant pain. The nurse called another nurse. It was a two-person job. They took the sheets off of him. His thighs were pasty-white and skinny. The lack of movement resulted in atrophy. Yet his face, hands and feet were swollen because of the medicine and steroids. It was like he was two people in one body: Fat guy, skinny guy.

After every movement and moan from pain, my eyes welled up and I got a lump in my throat. Here we go. Steady tears slid down both cheeks. L looked at me with sadness, but held it together. This was probably the billionth time she’d seen her husband in agony. The nurses each grabbed one end of a sheet that was already under BMuttz’s body. L and I grabbed the two other corners.

BMuttz was yelling. I grabbed his hand and told him to squeeze when he feels pain. He did. My heart broke right there. What was once taken for granted by BMuttz, movement, was now the most difficult chore.

It was intense seeing my best friend like that. I remember BMuttz as a three-sport athlete in high school. Now, he had the mobility of a paraplegic. God, it was tough. BMuttz was in pain. Here came the medicine ‑‑‑ Beeeeeeepppp. Three, two, one, goodnight BMuttz. …

Day 2: Going into day two I knew I had to cherish my time with BMuttz. This would most likely be the last time I saw him alive. Today, Nasa and Dave were expected to visit. We all planned on watching the MSU game in BMuttz’s hospice room. As uncharacteristic as it is for me, the game would be background chatter. It was all about BMuttz. ….

I knew day two would be tougher than the first. That became apparent when L picked me up from my hotel about 10:30 a.m. I opened the door to their new Subaru Forester, and she told me doctors had learned BMuttz had pneumonia. The next 72 hours were critical for him. Let’s hope the antibiotics work, she said. ….

Today I was more open about touching him. Almost right away, when we were alone, I went up to him and grabbed his hand. I told him I loved him and missed him. BMuttz was in a dead sleep. I turned on the TV and watched a college football pregame show. It would be about 30 minutes until MSU played Penn State for a share of the conference crown. This was MSU’s biggest game in decades and could cap an 11-1 year, an amazing achievement for MSU football.

The game didn’t mean shit. All I could think was, “I wish BMuttz was healthy enough to enjoy this year.”

BMuttz woke up and said hi to the crew. Well, he didn’t say hi, but he acknowledged we were in the room with his eyes.

We spent the next 90 minutes or so keeping BMuttz cool. Nasa and I would get wet towels and put them on his head and arms. He was running a fever of 101, still high, but better than the night before when his temperature reached 103.

L tried for at least 10 minutes to wake BMuttz up so she could feed him and make him drink water, but her attempts were unsuccessful. So, L started chewing ice cubes and cutting them with her teeth. She would fill BMuttz’s mouth with mashed up ice. It reminded Nasa and I of a mama bird feeding her baby bird. This was after she’d already used a suction device to remove the phlegm he was too weak to clear from his throat until a nearby pint-size cup was a quarter of the way full.

At one point, the guys left the room for some reason or another and I asked L if she was OK. She started crying and asked why they couldn’t catch a break. It’s been an impossible fight the entire way and now he had pneumonia? She said she wasn’t strong enough for this. I objected. To the contrary, I told her, she IS strong enough. God only makes people go through what they can handle. She said she wished God found someone else. Me too, I told her. We both kind of laughed.

By this time the game ended. MSU won 28-22 after almost blowing a huge lead. They were co-Big 10 champs. Again, I thought, “Man, BMuttz would love to see this.” ….

We were down to the last beers from the case Nasa and Dave brought with them. We spoke about getting food. It was time. The time we all dreaded. Time to say goodbye. L took a phone call and said she had to step out for a few minutes. I wondered if she did that on purpose because she knew we needed the time alone with him.

She was gone and it was just us four great friends saying goodbye forever. We had shared so many memories, beginning when we were 18. Just about a decade later and it was about to be over. It wasn’t fair.

We all huddled around BMuttz’s bed. I looked at Nasa and he was breaking down. He tried to stop the tears, but it was in vain. The big globs began pouring down his cheek. Oh shit, it started for me, too. Tears. Again with the tears. I took a few steps away from the bed and tried to compose myself. Nasa started stroking BMuttz’s arms and chest. He was asleep, like he was most the day. Nasa tried to wake him up. “No man, don’t,” I said. “He can hear us.” Nasa looked at me, amid the tears, and nodded his head OK.

Nasa started talking first. He told BMuttz although his time on earth was probably over, we would all see each other again. He told him not to be scared. I looked at Dave, and he was mostly quiet, suiting his personality. He stayed the most composed of us all. His eyes were blood shot and misty, but I don’t know if he cried. He told BMuttz he loved him.

I told BMuttz he was the best friend I ever had. And that he would never be replaced. Earlier in the day, when the guys stepped out of the room, I went up to him, grabbed his hand and told him I loved him. I told him not to feel bad about missing my wedding with X. I told him she loved him so much and that he knew right away she was the one for me. BMuttz seemed to wake up. He mumbled something incoherent. He was trying to talk to me. Whatever he was trying to tell me, it didn’t matter. It was a beautiful moment. Our friendship shone through again. Between that and our phone call, I told him everything I wanted him to know before he ventured into the afterlife.

I then kissed my right index and middle fingers and placed the kiss over his heart. My friendship with BMuttz as we once knew it was done, probably forever. But I was at peace.

I thought, while BMuttz had one foot at the pearly gates already, I hope he finds that peace before knocking on the door. L came into the room after a few minutes and saw we all had been crying. She began crying a little as we said our goodbyes. I can’t tell you how strong she has been. She’s a rock. She’s been such a devoted wife. BMuttz is lucky to have her. She was his guardian angel on earth. They’ll meet up again one day, I thought. ….

******************************************************

I wish I could say this story had a fairytale ending, but it doesn’t. BMuttz died on Nov. 28 on his hospice bed next to his wife, family and loved ones. I returned home to Las Vegas from a quick two-day visit earlier that day. He died only a few hours after I got home, just before midnight.

I’m at a loss for why he was taken from us, but have gained inspiration and courage from BMuttz’s battle with cancer. I’m still coming to grips that I won’t ever receive another text, e-mail or phone call. Through some forum, we were in touch every day. I can’t believe we won’t be seeing each other at least once a year.

However, I’m grateful I got 20 years with him. I was blessed to have known him. Billions of people never met him. I was one of the lucky few.

There should be no doubt that BMuttz fought that wretched disease with everything he had. He fought like a noble warrior and because of that I plan on honoring his memory by learning from him. I will not let the small stuff in this world get me down anymore. And if it’s not a life or death matter, everything is trivial. Problems on the job, dealing with assholes, money issues – none of that’s even worth wasting my breath. I know BMuttz gave his last breath in order for me, and others, to realize that life must be appreciated every day.

Thank you for that, Benjamin Ross Mutnick. I will never forget you. I know you’ll be at my wedding. You’re my best man. You always have been.

Cancer has taken many loved ones away from us. This was my first real blow from the disease, but I’m sure it won’t be my last. They never figured out what kind of cancer my best friend suffered from, either. At the request of the BMuttz family, anyone who is interested in fighting the disease and further honoring the memory of BMuttz can do so with a donation here:

American Cancer Society
20450 Civic Center Dr.
Southfield, MI 48076
http://www.cancer.org

"Beeing" Strong, "Beeing" Brave, "Beeing" Honest

2011-11-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

To say that I hate November is not being honest. I more than hate November. For many reasons, the past few weeks have been extremely hard. I guess for me, I have not been true to myself, or others about my feelings. Actually some of my closest friends know of my struggles, but for the most part, I have become really good at disguising my emotions.

So rewind to Halloween......Halloween 2011 was so different. It was the first year in 6 that I didn't have Ben by my side. Ben loved Halloween. As a matter of fact, I received several texts from my friends this weekend mentioning how much they were thinking about Ben and I during Halloween. Right from the start of our relationship Ben made Halloween a true event. We did it up right! We always went as a couple...Mario and Luigi, Kelly and Zack, Stephi Graph and Andre Agassi 1980's circuit, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock, Golfers, and then of course nothing last year since he was hospitalized. This was the first year that I was faced to dress up as a single individual. Ben was the creative one so I felt lost. I ended up being a bee. Let's "bee" honest, it was not my best effort. I bought a prepackaged costume from Halloween USA. It was super cute, but to not go to Goodwill or to work for endless hours crafting an original outfit felt odd. I cried the entire weekend, but pulled myself together just in time to go out for a bit with some of my newest friends. I ended up having a great time, and the Queen Bee, ended up finding 6 male worker bees at the BOB, and one worker bee was pretty cute.....wink wink. I owe it to Carrie for taking me under her wing, and showing me what it's like to live again.

Last year, Ben wanted nothing more than to be home in time to hand out candy to the neighborhood trick or treaters. l told him that he should make it his goal to be well enough to be home by then. I'm a fool right? He made me buy pumpkins with the hope that we would carve them the night before Halloween. The pumpkins ended up being the ultimate symbol. I purchased them at the Schwallier's Country Basket. This was a trip that I went on alone with the entire Homrich family. Ben didn't come because he wasn't feeling well. Little did we know that he was really sick, and only one month away from dying. I had a really stressful day at the farm, because all I could think about was Ben, sitting alone in our basement having a pain attack with me 30 minutes away. It was more than I could handle. And then of course we got lost in the corn maze and I started to cry because I had been gone to long from Ben already and I needed to get home.

The pumpkins remained untouched, uncarved. They sat by the back door of our Alger home until March, frozen solid. The pumpkins represented everything in my life at that time. I too was frozen in time, with a hallow heart, hoping to go unnoticed just as the pumpkins did for nearly six months. I am still confused on what really happened...I mean did Ben really pass away? I have been on a recent kick of watching scary movies. People think I am nuts for watching them alone. But truth be told, nothing can be scarier than watching your husband slip away. At night, I hear my own screams, I see my mother-in-law running around the hospice room, I see Ben in his bed....I see it all. A personal horror movie that plays over and over and over again. The Grudge has nothing on this. I can't make this reel stop from playing.

Recently I have been blessed with the ability to let people in and out of my life without much effect. I look at things objectively and consider each person's purpose. I guess without Ben's illness I would have never met so many great, and honest people. I have learned through this struggle who my true friends are, and who really cares about me. I have found friends down many different paths. I am social, always have been, always will be. Nanc says I started talking at two, full sentences, and never stopped. I love watching my friendships blossom, and am so thankful that so many kind people have let me into their lives. I know that I have baggage, but it's not something I choose for myself. This is the card I have been dealt, so take it or leave it. And if you can't handle it, get the hell out. I just keep moving...doing what I can, with what I have. The next few weeks present difficult challenges. Ben's best friend in the entire world is getting married. Ben was so upset that he was going to miss TPlan's wedding, and then of course Thanksgiving, and then the anniversary of his death....marking ONE YEAR. One whole, freaking year......wow. Unbelievable how much life changes in a year, in a month, in a day, in a second, in a breath. Ben said it best, "Do what you can, while you can, because you never know when you won't be able to the do the things you love."

Honoring Those I Love

2011-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind. It started last Monday with the GVSU scholarship dinner, the dinner where Ben's scholarship was first introduced to the community, to GVSU. It was an affair to remember. Big D, Juancho, and I met at the Amway Grand Plaza. The ballroom was packed. The University offers nearly 300 hundred scholarships each year, and this year the Ben Mutnick Mettle Memorial Scholarship was added to the roster.

When they announced Ben's scholarship I was asked to stand, and then again later during the presentation, the entire department including John was asked to stand. I did really great until I realized that Ben was gone, and until I looked at both Big D and John. Neither of them were crying, but they were both blinking back tears. My dad held his head low, with his eyes closed, and John much the same. It made me realize how many others miss Ben too. It was in that moment that I lost it. I cried with my head high. I cried for all to see....to see the hurt and pain that is caused by cancer. I held Ben's wedding tight in my hand....I needed him to help me get through this dinner. I was one second away from a full blown crying attack. The kind of crying attack when you start making audible noises.....noises you can't stop. I pinched the inside of my thigh, and told myself to grow up and get a grip. I have no idea how I calmed myself down, but I did.

The dinner was special....a true honor. Most people live a life time without ever being honored in this way. And here my husband, Benjamin Ross Mutnick, left a permanent imprint on a major university. He hid his illness, his pain, his fear from almost everyone, and so his passing came as a huge shock to the department. Something should be said about how Ben carried on when most people would have stopped. Cheers to you Ben....Cheers to you.

So the weekend following the scholarship dinner, I honored someone else I love. My best bud from undergrad got married this past weekend. It was a true honor to be asked to stand up in her wedding. All in all I did pretty great. I was able to curb my sadness by dancing the night away....that and gin and tonics....wink wink. I danced with anyone who would dance back. I danced to almost every song....slow and fast. Call me the dancing machine.

Em's day was so special, she looked amazing, but I really felt Ben's absence. Ben, Em, and I were all best buds at MSU. We were all the same major, so to be there without him, was staggering, and hard. Not to mention MSU played Wisconsin that night, with an ending that goes down in history. Ben was the first person I wanted to call to talk about the game. I am so intense when I watch MSU that I am pretty sure I threw my bb at some point during the evening. This is something I picked up from Ben....thanks a lot dude. I spent some of the evening texting his closest buds. I feel such a connection to Ben, when I get text messages from the boys on game day. And then of course one of the guys got engaged this weekend. I am so happy for Nasa and Katie.

Following the game I had to step away from the reception for some air. I walked out of the reception, and around the corner of the 67th floor in the Sears Tower. I looked out the window, near the escalator in time to catch the fireworks at Navy Pier. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window. The person I saw I hardly recognized. All I could focus on was Ben's wedding ring. I was so close to crying. You know the funny thing is, the day I found out that Emily was engaged was the day I found out that Ben only had one month to live. I was sitting on a cot in Ben's room on 5 north. She was so happy, and I was so happy for her. She asked me how Ben was doing and I didn't have the heart to ruin her moment so I told her that we would talk about it a different day. Well I never had a chance to tell Em, because Ben died about one week later. She found out about his passing on the blog. I feel terrible that I didn't get to phone her in person, but it just didn't feel right to cloud her happiest day with my saddest. She has been a great friend, and I wish her and Cal the best in health and happiness.

Once again the night ended with a trip to the bar. This time around we partied at O Sullivan's. But I learned my lesson and started slamming water. I could not face another hangover like the last one I had following Jenna and Scottie's wedding. I danced the night away at O Sullivan's. And I have to say, I got a ton of compliments that night. It felt so good to have complete strangers tell me how pretty I looked. I mean, boys will be boys, but to have someone pay me a compliment when I feel like I could die on the inside is pretty bad ass. I turned down a few requests for my digits, and instead focused on getting through the evening.

Congrats again to Emily and Cal....Mazel Tov. And a special shout out to a friend of Em's who was not able to be there. Megs, you should know I danced for you too. Get well soon.

My Homeboy

2011-10-12T04:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as many of my loyal followers know, was Ben's birthday. Much of the day was spent thinking of him during the good times. It was so difficult to not see his smiling face while opening presents, or going out to dinner, but I did my best for the both of us.

After work, Megs, John, Finn, and I went to visit him. I arrived first at the cemetery. It was a warm fall day, picture perfect. I sat on the ground next to him and gave him my update on life....not that he doesn't already know what's going on. I shared a glass of wine with him. Minutes later, the Lipford clan arrived. I took out the piece of cake that I picked up earlier in the day. As luck would have it, Meijer did not have any chocolate chip cookie cakes so I cried....cried at Meijer. However I got this piece of cake, and 3 cupcakes for free. I guess the staff must have really felt bad for the crazy widow. I just wish they would have given me the wine for free too....wink wink.

John, Megs, and Finn joined me on the ground next to his headstone. The wind was blowing...the cemetery was beautiful. We put the 30 candle in the cake and started to sing the happy birthday song. It was hard....Megs and I were sobbing. She came and sat behind me, and gave me the biggest hug. It is still shocking he is gone. We decided to let the wind blow the candles out. I have to say, Ben took forever to blow the candles out. The 30 was burning way down. It was as though he wanted us to stay. And just like in the movies, as the candles went out, a rainbow appeared. It was a rainbow that non of us have ever seen. Small, in the middle of the only white cloud in the sky, right over the cemetery. It was Ben. He were there. He was saying....I see you guys. I love you guys. And thank you so much John and Megs for caring for Linds. Trust me, I know she is a pain in the ass, but she needs you, and I will forever care for you all. My f-ing homeboy was right there with us. And as we packed up to leave, the rainbow disappeared. Don't tell me that was not Ben....it was.

In addition, DBone was at the Tigers game last night. It was no mistake that she was there, and it was no mistake they won. I am sure for his birthday, Ben asked for a Tigers win, and for a sign to let Linds know that I love her.....looks like both his wishes came true.

Welcome to the Dirty Thirty

2011-10-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

The Dirty Thirty....what a milestone. People our age look at 30 as a step into adulthood. It is the age of no return. And here we are....you gone, and me a widow. 30 and an angel, 30 and pain free, 30 and worry free. Cheers to you Ben.

So this past week you have weighed heavy on my heart. I guess much of that is due to the fact that this time of the year holds so many memories good, and bad. The weather in Michigan has been so wonderful....breathtaking. And as funny as it sounds, I feel you, see you. I see you in the brightly colored trees, and I feel you in the wind. Bear and I decided last Saturday to go for a long run and then to sit river side and read a book. I had my eyes closed and felt the wind, my hair blowing, you all around. I was at peace. And then out of no where came running this border collie, and in a flash there was Dr. Lineberger. He is Dr. #14 in the line up. It is funny, but the entire anesthesia team brought Ben so much hope and comfort, more than his oncologist. I will never forget the day Ben laid in pre-op holding and in walked Dr. Lineberger. Ben saw him and yelled for him. Ben was scared, he was yelling that his cancer had spread again. He was in so much pain, he was dying. Dr. Lineberger came to Ben's bedside and shared a personal cancer story of his close friend. He told Ben to hang onto hope, when I am sure in his heart, he new hope of survival was lost. Ben never lost sight of the hope that Dr. #14 offered. So here I stand face to face with a man who cared for my dying husband. And the first thing he said to me is "Are you OK, I mean are you really OK". It was as though he knew the answer was no, not really, and he wasn't looking for the sugar coated answer. He was asking because he cared. We chatted for a bit and before he walked off he said "Ben was a good guy, a great guy....you should know that." And he told me that Ben was feeling much better these days. I chocked back tears. There you were Ben, my f-ing homeboy, there you were.

The entire pain team turned out to be our angels in Earth. Dr. #15 and his PA, who is one of my best buds now, loved Ben and saw him for who he was. They saw past the illness and saw his heart, his big loving, caring heart. Ben shared laughs and cookies with them following procedures. Ben loved them......shoot at one point all he yelled for was Thea. Thank God for the anesthesia team.

You always loved birthdays. The first birthday present I gave you was a golf trip to Arcadia Bluffs. I gave you the present early, following Molly's wedding. I wanted to be sure that we would be able to get a round in before the weather and temperature dropped significantly. I refuse to golf in temps in the 50's....hahaha you hated that rule! You were so surprised. We had only been dating 2 or 3 months at that point, and you told me that that was one of the most thoughtful presents you had ever received. You told me that in 2 shorts months, I had figured out the things in life that you enjoyed to do most, and that I blew the birthday surprise out to the park. I would say, I got lucky...a lucky guess. However that being said, Arcadia Bluffs is the most beautiful golf course I have ever played. I am so thankful that we got to golf this wonderful course together. I am glad that I was able to give you that gift. It is just a shame that we won't get to golf other beautiful courses. I had dreams of golf trips, weeks in Boca, kids, a future, and now that's over.

And I refuse to discuss/relive last years birthday/ birthday dinners (our place and Rose's)......it was horrible, sad, devastating. You ended up in the hospital one week later, never to leave. Your mom said it so perfectly this past weekend. She told me that she had to light a memorial candle for you, and that we should be lighting candles for your 30th. She said it's bullshit that we are lighting candles to memorialize your life. I couldn't agree more...it is bullshit.

I hope this year for your birthday that you are walking, that you are smiling, that you are pain free, and happy. I hope you are spending time with some close friends, or grandparents, and I hope you are golfing. And I hope someone is singing you the birthday song and that all your wishes come true. John, Megs, Finn, and I are going to come visit later, and don't worry we will have your favorite chocolate chip cookie cake. And we fully intent to watch the Tigers later.....hoping for a win.

The above picture about sums up how we are feeling today.....you happy, me sad. This is my mom's favorite picture of us....hahaha.
I will leave you with this

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday Dear Ben
Happy Birthday to you.

I Am Always With You

2011-10-03T15:37:00.001-07:00

Hey Buddy,

It's been a long time since I wrote to you. Much of my most recent writing has been about my personal achievements following life after you. I really haven't taken much time to reflect on the recent events in my life. Time continues to go on, and yet you still haven't returned. As you know, two weeks ago we had your unveiling. I am sure you would have had much objection to a tradition Jewish unveiling. Just the thought of everyone making a fuss over you, would have resorted in an undeniable no. Yet you were not here to object, and so we moved forward with the services.

It was exactly as I expected it to be....emotional, heartbreaking, devastating. There is no way to explain to someone what it feels like to look down, and see your husbands name carved out in stone, in a cemetery. Your name, followed by loving husband, son, brother, grandson, and nephew. Ben you were so much more than that, but we ran out of room on the stone. You were an athlete, handsome, intelligent, funny, kind, determined, a best friend, reliable, etc. It is sad to me that all you amount to to strangers is what is carved on a stone in the cemetery. I am sure that people walk around the cemetery, and come upon your stone and say "Wow, he was just a kid, 29 years old. What a shame. How sad." I mean shit, I do the same thing, however the difference is, I know you. All your neighbors at the cemetery in GR are old as hell. And there you rest, robbed. A life lost far too soon...wasted.

I will never forget the sadness that loomed at Clover Hills, or the way your mom rested her head on your headstone and wept. Your poor mom. A parent should never have to go through this. All I kept thinking was "Ben you idiot. How did you let this happen." I know that this was not a choice you made, but even in the after life, I can still get mad at you. How disappointing. I have to say that people have continued to surprise me in both good and bad ways. I got support in so many unexpected places...thank God for the unexpected surprises.

It was at the cemetery that I felt you. Ralph read a poem, and I swear it was you talking to me and the family. The poem was titled I Am Always With You. It brought me to my knees.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn't tie yourself to me with too many tears,
But be thankful we had so many good years.
I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you've given me in happiness.
I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I traveled on alone.
So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
That it is only for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can't see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
And then, when you come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and a "Welcome Home".

Still even 10 months later, when I stop and think about the fact that you are really gone, I feel like I could puke. It makes my heart race and brings tears from the underbelly. Today I watched Megs and Mike's wedding video. There you were, alive, healthy, and in love. I hardly know your touch anymore. All I have left is the images that remain on the video. The way you held my hand, or put your arm around me. I look at that video, and I feel like I hardly know you. It is like looking at a stranger. And of course on the video you are giving martial advice, of all things. You said something like "The night is young, and it could end good or bad. I am going to leave it opened ended." That is so Ben......such a dork.

Well I miss you bud. Sorry we don't get to spend your 30th together and sorry that you are going to miss Tony's wedding. I know you will be there, but not in human form...it's just not the same.

Thinking of you always,
Linds

P.S. The Tigers are in the playoffs. I can't believe it!!!!

A Little Time Off

2011-09-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone in the delay of updating the blog. Much has happened from my last entry including moving and finding Jetta a new home. Let's take this from the top. So about three weeks ago I made a hard decision to get rid of kitty. This decision came with much heartache, however I realized at the end of the day I had to do something for myself and getting rid of Jetta was one of those things. First off, I am not a bad pet owner. Jetta was a package deal (one of those it's me and the cat or neither), and I felt Ben was worth the sacrifice. I am super allergic to the cat, and Ben knew that. So the only way for me to be comfortable in my own home was to medicate. And Ben made me a promise that I would never never have to clean the cat litter. And here I was cleaning the cat litter, cursing Ben for leaving me with a cat that caused me such health complications. As you all know, I found a perfect condo, and kitty just didn't fit. There was not room enough for the cat, bear, and I, so one of us had to go....sorry Jetta.

I found Jetta the perfect home. She is staying with my Aunt Sarah, who also has a cat, and two perfect daughters, who are also helping to care for the cat. Of course, Jetta cried to entire ride, which made the whole process much harder. I arrived in Plainwell with swollen eyes and a heavy heart. I felt like I was letting Ben down. That he was going to come back and get me for abandoning Jetta. And then I had this feeling that my personal family is getting smaller by the month. First Ben, now Jetta, and at some point Bear. So in the end I am going to be all alone. Alone...so alone. It was harder then I expected. But I still left her, and never looked back. I thought that if I looked back, I would end up running back inside grabbing her, and bringing her home, despite the fact that it was not right for me.

Of course, just as I suspected Ben did come back to get me. Sunday, the very next day, I got stung by a bee. For those of you who don't know, I am super allergic to bee stings. I was alone and scared. I called the Lipfords....I didn't know who to call. It was a reality check of how alone, and almost helpless I am. I asked them to call my parents. My mom called hysterical and coached me through what I needed to do. First things first, give yourself your epi shot. Well that would have been perfect expect my epi pen was 5 years expired....oooppppps. My mom said, and I quote, "Lindsay you are so dumb. That is just stupid." Yes thanks Nanc, I know that, but what do I do now. So I ended up having to call 911. And 2 firetrucks and one ambulance later, I was back in the game. I kept telling Ben over and over that I was sorry about the cat. And don't think that for just 1 second I thought to myself, why don't you just sit down and let Ben come and get you. If you want you can see him today......just don't call anyone. But then I thought of my nieces and newphew and my parents, and I thought, I guess I better call for help. So I got epi, and some benedryl, and John had to come and get me for 5 hours of supervision. What a day.....and I still have a hive on my butt. Did I mention I got stung in my ass.....why not.

So the following weeks have been spent moving me into boardwalk. What a process. I have to say....I have a ton of crap. And Big D, Jr., and Josh will not let me forget how much stuff I have. The saddest part of the move is hearing my Dad cuss out Ben as he was moving my things. It is the ultimate elephant in the room. The only reason I am moving is because Ben decided to take up residence in heaven, leaving me here on Earth to figure out my new path. A path that has had many winding turns, and much heartache. I love my new place, but in looking around something huge is missing. I have not lived alone in almost 10 years. So to be alone again is hard. I am a social person, so to come home and have no one waiting is hard. And if I have a bad work day, I have no one to vent to....aside from Bear. And I made a decision to limit the amount of Ben and Lindsay pics at the new place. So for now Ben holds a 10 by 10 area in the spare bedroom. I feel like such an asshole, only giving him that amount of space in the new digs. But I can't have him looking at me in every room. After all I am trying to heal, and the pics are just a harsh reality that he is dead...really dead. And this time last year, he was dying. He was checking out. Ben was trying to tell me, but I didn't want to hear it. Don't think though, that I didn't know. I knew in my heart that Ben was going to pass and soon, and that I was going to be all alone at Raymond. I have a pretty good read on big life events. Just as I knew that only after a month of dating Ben that I was going to marry him. Call it instinct. My instinct can be good and bad. I had a feeling before Ben ever went in to see Dr. J, that things were going to be bad. I remember laying in bed with Ben the night before his appointment with Dr. J, thinking, oh my God, I think Ben might have cancer. I knew....how did I know? Did Ben know....did he know deep down that he was super sick? I am here to tell you, Ben knew he was dying. He knew months, and months before the rest of us. He told me several times, and I chewed him out. Ben was trying to tell me, to prepare me for his departure, and I shut him out....a nice wife right? What a d move!!!!

I am now officially in the new place. And I have a ton to be thankful for. I have recently met some new and important people in my life. These people have showed me that living is worth it. That I get a second chance at so many things. I have decided to embrace these offers and moments. I feel happier. I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff, looking down, ready to take a leap, a leap of faith. But that's not to say that bad days don't surface. There is no way to explain this process. It is slow and deep. And you just don't know until you know. Next week is Ben's unveiling. I suppose that might be why I feel so off. The unveiling is a Jewish Tradition where the headstone is revealed for the first time. It can feel like a second funeral. We have decided to keep this ceremony very private...immediate family only. This decision was made to try to prevent the event from being to big, and feeling even more like a funeral. I am dreading it!

And then comes Ben's 30th, and of course the anniversary of his death.....booo hisss. This time last years things were really changing for us. I hardly recognized Ben. He was so lost in the disease. His heart will still his, but cancer pretty much stole everything else. September, 3 years ago, is when Ben asked Big D if he could marry me.....it was Gail and Andy's wedding. It was our 23rd wedding together. I had had it with weddings. I ended up drunk, running around in the State helmet....true to form. Little did I know, Ben was ready to make the move. September 27th is the day we got engaged. Ben proposed to me at home. We ended up spending the day sharing the news, watching MSU football, and then playing flag football. It was perfect. He was so pumped up, so proud. He was the one showing off my new bling, and holding my hand, and smiling....what a ham.

I have to say, for the first time in a long time, I can see myself finding what I had with Ben again. For a long time, I was jaded and cold, but in time my heart has healed some. I no longer look at couples and get mad, I now smile. I smile at the thought of happiness and family again....wow I am shocked I am sharing this. I am proud to say this.....I am. I am moving forward with the help of so many. I know Ben is looking down, and that he has his hands in so much of all of this. I still tear up when I think of all I lost, but I know that he is working hard to give me what I need.

49503

2011-08-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last blog, I am moving. The date in which I take up residence at the boardwalk is quickly approaching. The past few weeks have been filled with a rainbow of emotions. I guess I underestimated how hard it was going to be to pack up Ben's things. I have been working diligently to get his things in order. Putting his clothes in large see through tubs, knowing full well that someone I loved used to wear those clothes, has been hell. And then to see my dad schelp them up the stairs and place them into the back of the truck just makes everything that much harder. And then to further the pain, watching Big D unpack the tubs from the truck, and put them into the basement at their home is sickening. I think Jr. said it best...."Ben has a ton of shit". That is so true. That man had more clothes then me. And the thing of it is, I know the history or every piece of clothing. I can pretty much pin point, where he got every shirt, when he wore it last, and how it ranked in his list of favorite things to wear. Even taking the picture down from the walls has been a challenge. There are picture in our home that are clearly Ben's and clearly Lindsay's. I have begun to pack up his pictures. They too have been put into tubs. I look at every picture, remember the story behind them, feel the emotion, and continue on with the packing process. I find that I can't plan to pack his things. It is an impulse decision. It is something that I decide to do at the last minute. It is the only way I can do this.

What I have begun to realize is that his clothes are just that, clothes. They are not Ben any more. Ben's memories are not in a pair of shoes that he used to wear in 2007, his memories are in my heart. I realized that I don't have to hold onto everything. And I don't have to bring everything of his to my new condo. The condo is the first major step in my healing process. It is a place where I can nest, where I can start over. I fully intend to bring things that represent us....things that I need to have to feel at home, but to bring everything of Ben's would defeat the process. I also recently had a memory quilt made, actually two....one for me and one for D-Bone. The quilts are beautiful, if such a thing can be beautiful....no they are beautiful. They were made out of Ben's tee shirts. Something he loved to wear more then anything else. When I see the quilt I see Ben....I feel him. This too was a huge step for me. The thought of someone cutting up his clothes made me sick, and there were times when I thought I couldn't let go, but I can, I did, and I am so proud of myself.

I am counting down the days until I can get out of the house of horrors. So many people are so happy for me. Everyone keeps telling me that I made a great decision and that life in a new home will feel so much better. As I have always said...Raymond is a bad home. It holds every sad/bad memory. Why would I want to stay here and torture myself any longer? I can't wait to have the ladies over for wine and cheese, or to grill out on the roof top deck. I can't wait to show my friends my new digs. I can't wait to see what the future holds. For the first time in a long time, I am smiling again. A little bit of the old Lindsay is shining through. The old Lindsay went into hibernation, and she is slowly creeping out. So as of Sept 1st, I will be holding residence in a new zip code....49503!!!!

I have a busy September...a bachlorette party, wine tasting in TC, the official move weekend, and in a blink it will be October. The days might be slow, but the months fly by. I realized that I have two choices....get on living, or to get on dying. I choose to live. I choose to give myself a chance at happiness. Because as much as I wanted to die initially, I realized that it was not in the cards. That I was stuck here, so why not make the best of it. I am still super sad over my loss. I still think of Ben every day. I think of the life lessons he taught me. I think of how he made me a stronger woman, and a great wife. He made me realize I can do anything.....anything. Saying goodbye to Ben was the hardest thing I had to do in my life...the hardest thing we both had to do. But I made a promise to Ben that I would keep on keeping on. It was a promise I had to make to him so that he could let go. He needed to hear that I was going to be OK, and that I loved him. And after hearing me say it out loud, he let go. It was only after he knew in his heart that I was going to be OK, did he breathe his last breath. He made peace with me, with life on earth. I image him in heaven, partying with Michael Jackson, sharing stories about his crazy wife. I image him pointing to me from above the clouds...saying "you see that pretty girl right there, that's Lindsay. Isn't she great?" There was never a day that went by that he didn't tell me how pretty I was or how much he loved me.

So as I said before, I live on and I am giving myself the biggest chance at happiness. I know happiness is right around the corner and I'm excited!

A Time For Change

2011-08-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

Ben and I's anniversary was the single hardest day I have had since the day he passed...November of last year. For me, our anniversary was a day that only he and I shared. Sure, it was a day surrounded by loving family and friends, however it was a day that we pledged to be together. I am just now beginning to accept the fact that Ben is not coming back. And, to honor, Ben I am trying to put my life back together piece by piece.

This is obviously an evolving process and for the first time in 8 months, I decided that I am ready to move....really ready to move. An unexpected friend, Laura, came into my life, and gave me the push I needed. I have only known Laura for a few months, but she has given so much to me. She knows what I need. It is so strange to have such a connection with someone who has only known you for 3 months. I am blessed to have her. Laura worked hard last week getting me information about available condos in downtown GR. She thought it best for me to be around other people, to be in a place that was smaller, and to be in a place that required less yard work....something Big D will truly appreciate. So on Friday I went to check out a condo, and I signed a lease. It was so liberating. The thought of getting out of a house that holds so many bad memories....can I get a hell yes!!!!! To finally be able to give this house a huge middle finger wave makes me smile. I am so proud of myself and so excited. Bear, Gato, and I are moving to the City! Downtown Grand Rapids has no idea what is in store for them. I guess I am going to have to retire my silk nightgown, dog walking outfit for another time. That is not the image I want to give off to the new neighbors...or maybe it is.......hahahaha.

I am giving myself a chance to live, a chance to be happy again, a chance to move forward. After all Ben would want me to be happy, and he too would want me out of this house. Raymond is not Ben and I. Raymond is cancer, Raymond is sadness, Raymond is holding me back. So on Saturday when I found out I got the condo I called everyone. I was golfing, talking on my cell phone, and screaming about how happy I was. D Res hung up the phone on me twice by accident of course, because she too was that excited for me. Everyone's reaction confirms to me that I am making a great decision. I knew what I had to do, it was just time to step up to the plate and do it.

This will be the first move without Ben. To say I hate moving is an understatement. Does anyone else find moving stressful? I can't think of a single day when Ben would yell at me more, then moving day. I hated moving day. And Ben's cousin Brad would always get roped into moving us. So when Ben and I first moved to Chicago, it was super hot....95 and humid. We packed the entire truck ourselves. We lost the cat in GR, but Jr. found her in the closet in GR a week later. Can't say I didn't try to get rid of the cat, a cat that I am super allergic to mind you. So we get to Chicago and we start unpacking the truck. Ben spends about 10 minutes trying to convenience me that he and I can carry his gigantic rear projection TV up 3 flights of stairs. This thing was not only huge, but super awkward. There was no way in hell that I was carrying that TV. I was not going to be the one who dropped the TV, or worse yet, was killed in Chicago my first day, when my boyfriend dropped a TV on me.....not happening. And he was so ticked that I would not move it. Needless to say, Brad showed up just in time and the boys moved the TV. Our first place in Wrigley....

And then we moved from Wrigley to Andersonville. Again the weather conditions were horrible. A terrible snow storm, and again Brad, Ben and I packed up the house, and moved 2 miles north. I swore, that this would be the last time that I moved. I was never again going to pack up my shit, and carry boxes. Again, fights and yelling.....moving day sucks! We get settled into our condo in Chicago. A place that we called home. Our first home together. We had so much fun at our condo in Ravenswood. We hosted dinner parties, game night, holiday cookie decorating parties, Christmas parties...the whole bit. We were always having people over. It was a house filled with love. It was the place we got engaged, the place we planned the wedding, the place where we planned our life. As my mom says, planning is for fools, and in time we learned that all our plans were in vain.

So our last move was here to Raymond. A house that I found for us. A house that we only lived in one month before Ben got sick. I will never forget the day he came home from playing ball with Juancho. I was in the basement, watching TV. Ben told me that he really really hurt his hip and that he thought he pulled his groin. He was walking a bit funny, but never in a million years, did I think he had cancer. I told him I would see if I could get him in to see Dr. J, and he was OK with that. Boy can life be unfair or what? My Gosh, look how fast things can change. In 1o months Ben was gone. The house has been quiet ever since.

Well it looks like I am once again moving. Time to pack up my life and move forward. Packing Ben's things have been a bit hard, figuratively and literally. Today I actually fell down the steps, packing Ben's things. I was thinking....Mutnick is this some joke? I'm sorry man, but I got to pack up your shit, unless of course you want to come and lend a hand. However on a deeper level, putting away his shirts and pants, knowing full well, that they are never going to be worn again by Ben was hard. Every shirt is a memory, so as I packed I celebrated Ben, celebrated us. I hope that in doing this, I can begin to really heal. It is my hope that I am making a good decision. So look for Bear and I downtime.....it's time to go.

Whatever You Like

2011-08-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

First off let me say Happy Anniversary to my best friend in life. Someone I never imaged I would be this connected to. Let me say how much I miss Ben and how much I struggled to get through the day. I wanted to puke, and cry...which I did. I wanted to scream, which I did, I wanted to see you, which I didn't.

So today was quite uneventful. I went to work per the usual, however at lunch I had a stage 1 meltdown. I miss you...I do. I was crying in the sky walk, wondering where you were or if you could see me. I was wondering if you missed me as much as I missed you or if you were partying with Michael Jackson...I sort of image this scenario more then you reflecting on how much you miss me....let's be honest bud! I spent the evening celebrating us...a roast of sorts. Sharing stories with Amanda and Laura....it was fun. I told them about the numerous times I blew you off....not proud of that or when I finally decided to give us a chance....what the hell was I waiting for?

Today was a day of refection. It was us. So to honor us, I will share some of the funniest stories from our wedding weekend.

Let me start off by saying, our wedding kicked ass. It was full blown amazing. The best food, the best dancing, the best live band, the best groom....the best of everything. To start, what couple do you know that can pull off a Jewish/Catholic wedding....oh I know the Mutnicks. It was the best blend of religion, tradition and culture. I will never forget the hora. Only the best wedding dance out there. Those who don't get to do the hora at their wedding are missing out. It is the best...bar none.

And then of course there is Allen Iverson. Yes Allen Iverson, the professional basketball player, was at the hotel during the Mutnick nuptials. So badass. Here I am tooling around in my white lace wedding dress and here comes Allen...what the hell? Who else can say that Allen was at their wedding? No one.

Not to mention, no one can top the Courterier stolen car story. God bless my sister, who just 6 days before our wedding had her first child. And yes Megs came, and stood by my side. The Courteriers, her in-laws, came to watch miss Arleigh Grace....aka Goose, and they only came to realize their car was stolen when they went looking for the misplaced diaper bag. Only at our wedding would a car get jacked. And might I mention this car ended up in the heart of Detroit, on blocks, completley stripped, with a something something in the back seat. Serioulsy...Seriously? I actually have pictures capturing the moment when I tell Ben the car got jacked...so funny.

And then of course there is the Cauliflower incident....Nasa I am talking to you. So Ben's best buds decide to pull the ultimate prank on Ben. While Ben and I are out visiting friends and family during the Hors d'oeuvre hour, Nasa and the college gang decided to "rework" Ben's boutonniere. It was a lovely boutonniere I might add. However, while Ben left his jacket unattended the gang removed the the lovely white rose and inserted a piece of Cauliflower. Unbeknownst to Ben and I, Ben rocked the Cauliflower boutonniere all night long. It is in all our professional pictures. And all night long every one kept yelling cauliflower at us. I couldn't figure it out. I will never forget Ben turning to me and saying "did you tell the guys I like cauliflower or something because I have no idea what the hell is going on. I hate cauliflower." It was only later in the night that TPlan came clean with the whole ordeal. Ben remained mad at TPlan for most the night for fear of what I might say seeing as the cauliflower boutonniere would be featured in almost every picture we have. I guess you could say I was not surprised and knew what I was marrying into....friends included. I have to admit it was pretty funny. Look close at the pictures....hard to tell but yes Ben is rocking a vegetable. Please look close at the pic below....it is totally a vegetable.......

Oh course let's not forget that I couldn't find Ben for about 1 hour. I finally find him nestled up to the bar ripping shots with my college friends. The hotel had a no shot policy, however, Ben and his charming self convinced the bartender to allow it. I was shocked, but was totally game, and got on board with the shot taking right away. I danced all night long and was sad to see the night end.

Our wedding was the single happiest day of our lives. It was so much fun. It was the last time that everyone we cared about was together and Ben was healthy, and handsome, and all mine.

To say I miss you would be saying it lightly. I recently had someone come into my life. She is an inspiration and has given me direction again. She has made me understand that the blog has value and I plan to keep writing. I love you Buddy. Happy Anniversary where ever you are.

Shake it Like A Rice

2011-08-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I again headed back to the Windy City. This time my visit was for a wedding...a wedding of some close friends. I decided to head into Chicago a day early so that I could spend some time with family and friends. I condo crashed with my cuz D-Res. I love seeing her, however after this weekend, I'm not so sure she feels the same.

Friday night started with a bang. I had dinner and drinks at Benchmark with Dana and Melis. My first error of the night was not eating enough for dinner and having a bit to much to drink. I can't drink much these days, so after 2 glasses of wine, walking in my fabulous Tory Burch wedges became a liability....hahah. The night sorta went downhill from there. There was a brief stop at Walgreens, where D-Res hula hooped in isle 5, followed up by a dance party at D-Res's featuring and the infamous "alligator". However the funniest moment of the night came with a full LMuttz meltdown. It went something like this. I was in the kitchen talking with Juan. I became increasing sad and told him how much I missed Ben. This was followed up with a full waterworks display. I continued the meltdown, and mentioned to Juan how much he would have loved Ben, seeing as they never met. I told Juan that I was so lonely and so pathetic....or something along those lines. But the kicker came after I professed to Juan that I was a piece of shit. And this is the direct quote. "Juan, I am so lonely....a total piece of shit. I mean look at me, I can't mow a lawn or run a rototiller." Juan just looked at me with a blank face. He was trying so hard not to laugh. Juan then looked me right in the eyes and said "Well what is lower than a piece of shit, because I don't even know what a rototiller is." My tears of sorrow turned into tears of laughter. Everyone was laughing out load. Juan told me that I was the funnest person he knew.

But the truth of the matter is that I do feel like a piece of shit. I am forced to admit almost everyday that there are things that I simply can't and won't do. I, over time, had become accustomed to Ben handling the "man's jobs", and now in his absence I am forced to do all these things myself. However for the record, I have yet to mow the lawn or rototiller a garden....what the hell?

It is just a sense of failure on so many levels. I feel like I have lost so much...my husband, my confidence, my sense of humor...I feel like I lost it all. The last 2 years have aged me...for real aged me. And I often times wonder if I look as bad as I feel. Will there come a day when someone thinks I'm cute.....likely not, I'm a train wreck!

So as I was saying, I was in Chicago for a wedding. This was the first wedding I went to alone, without Ben. I had such anxiety...I was nervous, and sad. It was the first time I had to find a way to zip my own dress. And zipping a dress alone is a challenge, a real challenge. It was the first time I didn't have Ben tell me that I looked pretty. It was the first time I didn't have him to dance with in almost 6 years. It was strange. I arrived at the Wit, with much reservation. However sometimes the anticipation ends up being much worse than the actual event. I ended up having a great time. And I made a great decision to take it easy on the wine at the wedding....this comes after a strong recommendation from Miss Melis and Miss Dana....wink wink. Actually this is some of the best advice I received all weekend. Alcohol makes me sad, and I didn't want to cry at the wedding. I reserved the drinking for the after party. And I am so glad I didn't drink much at the wedding because the bride and groom mentioned Ben, and losing him this year. It was so special. Jenna and Scottie are amazing friends. And the bride looked show stopping.

I was so touched that during their special day they too were thinking of Ben. Ben was also featured in a slide show. Seeing his picture the first time took my breath away, but after the initial shock it was comforting to see him. I was like "there you are my handsome hubby". Following this my friend Natalie and I decided to get some air. This turned out to be quite an adventure. Natalie and I ended up getting locked in the stairwell on the 27th floor. We had to walk down 22 flights of stairs in high heels before being rescued. It was so silly and so frickin funny. I am not shocked....let's just say that.

The night carried on well into the early am hours, and a large group of us continued the after party at Mahoney's. And for those of you who don't know me, staying out till 3 :30 am is not my MO. But I was having such a great time. Mahoney's is an 80's dance bar, where they feature beer pong, flip cup, and adult Jenga. It was a blast. Everyone was having a great time. I still can't believe I stayed out till 3:30. I owe that to Ben. I know that if he was there, we would have been out, no questions asked. So for me, for us, I stayed out....no regrets.

It was almost bittersweet. Watching your friends pledge to love each other not matter what is so touching. It brings me such reassurance in hearing vows and knowing that Ben and I lived and kept our marital vows. We were committed...till death do us part. And this wedding comes just a week before my anniversary. It was hard not to reflect. I can close my eyes and see him at the end of the isle. I of course was crying as I walked to him, but Ben too had tears in his eyes. We loved each other.....we did. I remember his smell that day, or dancing the hora, or doing shots at the bar. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

My wedding was the single happiest day of my life, and I am so glad that I was there to share in the Rice's happiest day too. All my love and congrats Scottie and Jeanna. It was a honor being there.

It's Time for the Rain

2011-07-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Bear and I hit the skids and headed back to the D for E-Dawg's wedding shower. This is the first shower that I have been to since my own wedding shower. The shower came with many personal challenges, but all things considered I think I did pretty good. I reserved my melt downs and reflection for the ride home. I considered giving perro one on my ativans for the ride since I was inconsolable.....and since Bear was trying desperately to climb out the window of the car. And for those of you who don't know, Bear is very crafty, and yes she would climb out a window without a second thought. I swear if I gave her the keys she would find a way to start and drive the car. Funny Bear story that drives the point home about her driving the car. My mom and I were looking at condos earlier this year. And of course I decided to bring Bear. She waited in the car while we did our rounds. At one condo, my mom and I were inside with Judy, the Realtor. We were all in the kitchen when I head what I thought was Judy's car alarm. Judy looked at me quizzically and said "That's not my car, that's yours." I was totally shocked since I didn't remember my alarm sounding like it did. We all went to the window of the condo and looked out to see Bear sitting in the drivers' seat, like a person, honking the horn. It went something like this....honk...pause...honk honk...pause...long honk. It was like Bear was saying "Come on already mom. Let's get this show on the road." I swear Bear is a person....she is frickin nutz. We were all in tears....that dog of mine....she's one smart cookie.

Back to the shower.....as I was saying, the shower came with some challenges.
Watching Em open her presents brought back so many memories. Ben and I still have many unopened/un-used wedding presents. Of course it was our hope one day to own a home here in Grand Rapids. It was in this home that we had hoped to host dinner parties, our first holiday dinners, and bbq's. It is so sad to think that these parties will never be. I will never host a Thanksgiving dinner with Ben. We will never use our special china, or that perfect serving platter. We will never toast each other using our wedding champagne flutes. We will never open our one bottle of Cristal, which we promised to save for the day we found out that we were having a baby. These days will never come. Ben and I's last holiday dinner was spent together at Hospice...it was Thanksgiving.....two days before Ben passed. He was in a coma. We had turkey on paper plates and Bear said her final goodbye to her papa. It was very stressful and no one wanted to eat. I didn't want to leave Ben's side for a minute.

The funny thing is I really really wanted plain white dishes. B on the other hand wanted blue dishes, so we compromised and ended up getting white dishes with blue flowers from Crate and Barrel....our first marital compromise. I look at these dishes all the time and see B. Every morning during B's illness I woke up and made him breakfast. Most mornings I made french toast with cinnamon and nutmeg, served with powdered sugar and syrup. I also was sure to include fresh fruit, a glass of OJ, a side of cottage cheese, and a entire cocktail of meds. Every morning I woke up 2 hours early so that I could be sure to make Ben a wonderful breakfast. It was made with love, real honest love. Most morning I was so tired from the night before, because most nights Ben was up screaming in pain. Not to mention I had such anxiety about our future, that sleeping was not an option. I have no idea how Ben and I did it, but we did. So every morning I brought B breakfast in bed, served on our wedding china. I thought why not? Why not use the nice stuff on Ben? And some mornings I would make eggs, or pancakes, but Ben's favorite was the french toast. He loved my french toast. French toast was the last thing Ben ate before he died. It was all he talked about. I'll never forget, arriving at Hospice and Ben ordering french toast. It was the first time in weeks that he fed himself. He was alert and talkative, and I thought he was getting better. That day he made DBone promise to treat me like a daughter and not a daughter- in- law. He made DBone promise 3 times, and DBone promised...she has kept that promise. It was so important to Ben to know that I was going to be cared for. He needed to know that I was going to be OK before he left.

It's crazy to think that B and I carried on in utter chaos for 10 months. Each morning following breakfast in bed, I would help to drag B to the side of the bed in an effort to help him stand. The only way I was of any help was to grab his legs, while pulling his hands at the same time in a 90 degree arc. Once I got him to the edge of the bed, I would hold onto one hand while leaning back with my entire body weight, all while B pushed up from the bed with one hand. We did this routine every morning. We would get him in the shower, and while he showered I would pack his work bag, his lunch, his meds, a heating pad, and gum. I would place phone calls to all his dr's....mostly his primary oncologist and his pain dr. Most calls were to report that Ben was in so much pain that he thought he couldn't go on. And most calls ended without resolution. Ben was never pain free. Following each shower, I would help him to apply lotion to get dressed, and to put his shoes on. He was finally ready for work!

Ben called me no less than 6 times every day. He told me that without talking to me, he couldn't do it. He would call to tell me he made it in the car, or made it to school, or made it to class. He called all the time. And during every call I reassured him that he was going to be OK, when I really didn't know if he was. I took every call, and I was so afraid that my boss was going to fire me. But Ben needed me, and I knew that I had to talk to him.

I often times wonder if I should have taken off time to push him to class. He struggled so much. Would life have been easier if I had been there more to help? I guess I will never know. But one thing I know for sure....Ben is feeling much better. He is happy, and handsome, and pain free. He is whole again.

Perma-Grin

2011-07-18T17:42:00.001-07:00

Do you remember when you were younger and your parents used to tell you that if you continued to stick your tongue out, your face would get stuck that way? Well I often times wonder if my face is going to freeze with a permanent smile. And it's not a genuine smile, but a face that I put on for every day living. If I walked around with the facial expression reflecting how I really felt, people would be horrified. I have a terrible cry face. I am not one of those people who have a cute or attractive sad face..I'm serious, I look like the joker when I cry....shudder. So there are days when I come home from work and my face literally hurts. I try so hard to keep it together. I smile when I want to cry, laugh when I want to cry, and pretend I am on the mend when my heart is still in pieces. To say I am doing better would be an over-exaggeration. I am still heart broken.

I have never in my life been more disappointed. My new normal is a much quieter normal. You can't explain what life without your husband is like. It's something that no one will understand until they go through it themselves. And trust me, no one wants to feel this way.....this empty, this alone. I watch as everyone goes on with their lives, while I am left behind, left alone.

It's funny, right after Ben passed away the phone rang off the hook. Everyone was so worried, so concerned, so heartbroken for me. But now, 8 months later the phone never rings. It's like the gossip train has pulled out, and everyone assumes that my life is great....back to normal. Well guess what, it's not. It's more lonely now, than it was right after Ben left. I come home from work, eat a dill pickle from the can, workout, and head to bed. Not having someone to share the day with, to discuss work with, to make weekend plans with, to go out to dinner with is miserable. And I have to say, I have my core network. Those friends who call and who check in. And I love them....absolutely love them. I appreciate our dinner dates, and movies nights so much. It gives me time to eat, to talk to humans, to live. However on the nights when I'm alone I find that my mind never turns off.

I often replay the events that happened over the last year. I will never forgot the first day when Ben was seen at OAM....he saw Dr. #1. Dr. #1 called down to my department and asked me to come upstairs. As I walked up I saw Dr. # 1 and several other Ortho Partners reviewing Ben's x-rays. They were all pointing and studying the images. I never thought in a million years that Dr. Jabara would say the word cancer. Obviously he didn't know for sure that Ben had cancer but he had a pretty good idea. Dr. J told me that he covered with Ben all the possibilities that he could be facing, and he told me that Ben looked scared. Dr. J told me that there were many things that could have caused the hip damage, however all I heard was cancer. Dr. J told me to go in and see Ben, and he told me to tell him that I loved him. I believe in my heart that Dr. Jabara knew then that things were really bad for Ben.

Ben just sat there with his head down, swinging his legs like a kid in time out. He was wearing his brown cargo pants, his Texas Longhorns sweatshirt, his "B" belt, and naturally a hat. He looked so scared and I tried not to cry, but I was so shocked. Within one week, we found out that Ben had cancer and in an instant, life changed. Ben went from handsome and healthy, to weak and sick. He went from fun loving and athletic, to worried, depressed and immobile. Life is about moments, life changing moments. It's what you do with those moments that defines you. Ben tried so hard to keep living, to keep moving forward. He was so selfless.

During Ben's final hospitalization we found out again that the cancer had spread...this time it had spread to the spine. Which explains why Ben had such tremendous back pain. I will never forget this day.....MSU was playing IOWA. It ended up being a huge loss....MSU really blew that game....it was a Saturday. Ben's mom had been with us all week and had just left to head back to Detroit for a few days. The oncology PA came in for regular rounds. I casually asked what, if anything showed up on Ben's recent scans. I never in a million years thought that she would report that the cancer had spread. Her face said it all! I felt like I was going to puke. I called DBone and my parents. And Ben kept saying over and over again....I am so sorry Lindsay for causing you so much pain and heartache. I am so worried about you. Here Ben was worried about L, when all he should have been worried about was B. And he had to call Tony. He had to tell Tony that he was so sorry he would not be able to come to his wedding. Ben knew then that he was dying. The fight was over, and here Ben was showing us what it was like to love someone more than yourself.

That day he apologized to both my parents for causing their daughter so much pain. He told them he never wanted to hurt me....it is moments like these that define a person. Ben showed what it was like to be a man, a husband, a partner. It is moments like this that I know love, and that he taught me a lifelong lesson, and for that I'm thankful. I miss Ben so much. I miss his smell, his voice, his touch. I miss my best friend and Bear and Kitty miss their papa. Ben was such a driving force. He pushed me to do things I never thought I could do. We participated in the Great Chicago City Chase. It was like a small scale amazing race in Chicago. The deal was that I would do the race so long as Ben didn't yell at me and so long as I didn't have to eat anything gross. I have a horrible gag reflux and Ben knew that. Ben agreed to the terms and game on. We ended up having a blast, however one challenge required us to match dog pictures with proper names. Depending on how you scored coincided with the amount of dog food you had to eat. As I said Ben promised during gross food challenges he would step up to the plate. Well guess what, Ben couldn't do it. He couldn't eat the dog food. He was dry heaving and carrying on, so I had to step up to the plate, literally. I actually feel queasy typing this. It was horrible but I did it for Team Muttz. Ben was so proud. We finished the challenge and ran to the El. It was on the platform at Division that I got sick. Ben was laughing and cheering me on and I was pissed. I made him promise that from here on out, we would only feed Bear steaks. I am here to tell you that dog food tastes like.....well like shit. The City Chase was so much fun. Ben scaled (and yes this is a pic of B climbing down the tower) the towers at the end of Navy Pier, we swam in our underwear at U of C, we rowed boats in Lincoln Park, we did a strip tease, we rock climbed, and we pushed each other. It was so much fun, and we learned so much about each other during the chase.

I wake up in a panic looking for Ben. I have not forgotten him...as a matter of fact I ordered a lamp for his side of the bed. I guess you could say bad habits die hard. I kept thinking, Ben needs a light to take his meds, or to grab his urinal...Ben needs a light too. The light if perfect. I plan to keep the light on his side of the bed on low, just in case, in case he decides to come home.

30 With A Mid-Life Crisis

2011-07-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

It would be fair to say that I never expected that I would turn 30 and be a widow. A widow....boy that sounds so strange every time I say it. 30 and alone. 30 and rebuilding. 30 and lost. I went to Chicago this past week to ring in my birthday with some of my most loving family and friends. I went back and forth wondering whether or not I wanted to spend my birthday alone or with friends, and my decision to be with family and friends was the right choice.

Chicago was so bittersweet. Everywhere I turned I saw B. He was ever present, it was palpable. He was really there. I have such strong memories of us together there. It was Chicago where we fell in love, where we played co-ed softball, where B played football, where we did the great City Chase, where we had a life. It was there I see B....B without disease. Chicago is my life, our life. B and I lived Chicago to the fullest. We took every opportunity the City had to offer. We went to at least 4 Cubs games every season, tailgated to Evanston for the MSU football games, went to watch MSU basketball, went to the Hawks games, played beach volley ball, played indoor volleyball, golfed, golfed, golfed, golfed. We made friends, we went out to dinner, we went to the dog beach, we did EVERYTHING.

My dad and mom said their memories of Ben are those from Chicago. Gosh every time my parents came to town we did something fun. We all tailgated to Evanston for the MSU/Northwestern football game. It was amazing because MSU came back from the biggest deficient of all time to win the game. We took the El. My dad loved the El. He loves talking to people, and what better place than the El. The El is the best place for socialization and for people watching. My dad and Ben almost got in a fight with the most obnoxious Northwestern fan in history. I am actually shocked that fists weren't thrown...shocked. And then we took Don and Nanc to a Cubs game. A New York Yankees fan was a bit intoxicated and hit on a married women. This obviously did not fair well with the hubby who was a Cubs fan, and an actual fight broke out right next to us. My dad was holding onto the New York fan so that he would fall over the railing to his death. It was so scary, and get this....the New York fan told my dad to let him go...it went something like this "let me go you old f-ing fart", and Big D laughed. We were so busy, so involved in the buzz of the City. Chicago has left me so lost.

I really feel like I am having an identity crisis. I feel like I'm living the life of a stranger. I was married, and owned a condo a Chicago, and had a loving husband who wanted to start a family, and in an instant I lost every thing. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize the person looking back at me. Chicago made me realize how lonely/empty I really am in Grand Rapids.

I spend so many nights alone here. And I know that I would be less lonely if B where here, but being here in GR and single is really really hard. I miss going out to dinner, or doing the adventurous things that we used to do together. I mean I had to beg and beg to get someone to golf with me. Not to mention this is my first year not playing softball in years. I guess I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be being single again. Being single is hard, being is widow is harder. I am just so lost.....so so so lost.

I just have to believe that Ben is working hard to make this right for me. He is going to lead me where I need to go. He is helping me, even though he's not here. So for me, 30 is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess thing can only get better, right?

The Final Gift

2011-07-03T05:38:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me how fast time flies. It feels like just a short time ago I was celebrating my birthday with B. Just like last year, this year too is very difficult.....way more difficult actually since B isn't here. Last year B was so sick, and I'm not sure we left the basement. He got me my Nook because I love to read so much, and it is something I will cherish forever. It is the last gift he gave me, well that's not entirely true.

We both loved celebrating our birthdays. B's is October 11th, right around Halloween which was his favorite holiday, and mine is July 5th, just one day after the 4th....obviously. We always went out for Halloween. And we always dressed up, but here's the kicker, B always made me be something ridiculous. B and I went to the annual Halloween Party at Park West with Dana, B's amazing cousin. It was a great time and there were so many people there....thousands. However, most of the ladies were dressed in rather provocative outfits, except (and when I say except, I mean it) me. B convinced me that it would be funny if we went out as Stephi Graph and Andre Agassi 1980's circuit. We went as far as getting a gigantic prosthetic nose for my outfit. As I said before, there were thousands of people at this party, and one man actually stopped me to tell me that I was the single ugliest woman at the party. I about died. Talk about felling like shit. So I tell B, and he laughs. This was not funny. I mean come on, there are 500 hundred other women there, and all the men there think I am the ugliest. And we weren't engaged then, so to think that no one thought I was cute, except Ben....I was pissed!

So the following year, we go to the same party as Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. I have on a pretty modest outfit, for Pam. I wore tight jeans and a tee shirt that I rolled up a bit....just above the belly button. I did however stuff the crap out of my bra, naturally. So B and I head again to Park West. We take the El, and walk 5 blocks to Dana's. This time however mothers were yelling at me, telling me I should be ashamed of myself. Again I wanted to put my head in the sand. However this time B, was there to rescue me. He turned around and yelled back, "your just jealous you don't look this good, mind your own business". I was mortified and proud, and to be honest my costume was not that provocative. There were much worse. We also went out as Kelly and Zack from Saved By the Bell, and Mario and Luigi. We had so much fun. So this year, I go out again as a single person, let's not go there.

Now back to my birthday. My birthday was always surrounded by a long holiday weekends. We almost always were with our friends, camping, drinking, celebrating. Ben's favorite saying was that he ordered the fireworks special for my birthday....he loved saying that. So this year to be alone feels so empty. I actually had no plans until about a week ago, when Dana suggested I come to Chicago. It sounded like a great plan to me since there was nothing else to do. And I don't want it to come off like I am only going as a last resort, because that's not true.

And this year I turn 30, and what do I have to show for it. I feel so sad. All my friends have families, and homes, and children, and I have a dog, a headstone for my husband, and a grave plot next to him. However I have a great dog at that. I think I might invent a doggie bjorn to carry Bear around in. Without Bear, I'm nothing. Seriously Bear is more than a dog to me, she is my family. And I know if B was here, he would have thrown me a party with chocolate chip cookie cakes. And no I don't like chocolate chip cookie cakes, he did. I will never forget 2 birthdays ago. We were still living in Chicago and for a month straight every time B went to the store he would come home with a cookie cake. He said we were celebrating my birthday all month. So it is fair to assume that B ate at least 4 cookies cakes in the month of July....what a clown.

Both B and I's last 2 birthdays sucked. Last year I remember closing my eyes so tight when I blew out the candles on my cake, and wishing for a miracle. I was wishing that God would take mercy on B, that he would grant me my only b-day wish. Again this year I am going to close my eyes tights, and wish for B. I will take seeing him in a dream, or a sign from him, since I know that this nightmare is real and that wishing is not going to change things for me...for B.

B's final gift to me was not the nook. B's final gift to me was telling me he loved me. B hadn't talked in days. We were at hospice and his time on earth was coming to an end. I was laying in bed with him, watching Knocked Up, we were all alone. I was looking at every feature so as to not forget. I was trying to remember every freckle, every scar, every color of his beard, his lips, his nose, everything. I was holding his hand, and I told him that I loved him, and that he didn't need to be scared, even thought I was so scared. I told him I would be OK, and he whispered "I love You". I was so shocked that I actually punched him in the arm and asked him to say it again. He didn't because I think it took him everything to say those final words. Those are the last words he ever said. This was his final gift to me. So thank you Benjamin Ross Mutnick, for my wonderful gift, it is beautiful.

Amazing Grace

2011-06-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

So you all know the movie P.S. I Love you right? Well if you don't watch it, but be sure to have a box of Kleenex next to you! Well Ben pulled off a bit of what I would consider a P.S. I Love You moment. Right after Ben passed away I was compulsive about cleaning....that has changed significantly but for whatever reason something was telling me that I needed to clean the couch. This is something I hardly ever do, especially since I haven't' spent much time on the couch since Ben passed away. Our nice couch resides in the "man cave". The room that screams Ben. This room houses an original Foosball table as well as an original wood dart board with a news write up on Band Camp and his incident at MSU (I won't go into details). The man cave also has surround sound, trophies from softball tournaments, the Wii, and may pics of Ben and I from our college years. This room is all Ben, with a sprinkle of L. I have little by little, moved things into storage, however this room remains mostly Ben. There are not many nights that I can go into the basement without crying. Not to mention my wedding dress is on the ground, winking at me...more like laughing at me! And let's say, it's my least favorite piece of clothing that I own. I have a love/hate relationship with that f-ing dress!

However one Sunday morning I woke up with an agenda, and cleaning the couch was on it. I started by vacuuming the entire couch. This is the couch that Ben and I bought together for our condo in Chicago. It was our first piece of official furniture. Our first purchase where we cared if we spilled on it, something we took pride in. We bought this couch at a store where we walked in, and the sales reps took one look at us and walked away. Seriously no one would help us. I guess we didn't meet the criterion, and the sales staff figured we were just window shopping. Ben finally yelled out " We have 5 grand in cash, so anyone who helps, will stand to make commission." No lie, this really happened! It was embarrassing, but liberating at the same time. I was thinking, "you go Ben."

We came home with a blue wrap couch with a chaise that we both loved. It was our official mark on society, our passage into adult hood. It is beautiful. We tried out several couches that day. Sat on several couches, pretended to share drinks, put our feet up, picked out fabric and color, and placed our order at Room and Board. This couch ended up being a place that Ben slept sitting up on most nights during his fight with cancer. It was the only place he was comfortable. I see the couch and I see his illness. However that lonely Sunday I lifted up the couch cushions and stumbled upon a journal. It is a journal my mom gave Ben after his diagnosis with cancer. A journal he could use for anything. The cover is all blue with the words "Amazing Grace". Inside the cover Ben wrote "Please Give to Lindsay if Found".

Let's just say I stopped cleaning the couch then. The journal is a day to day record of his fight, of his pain, of his struggle, but it is so special. I will share only the first page.

"Linds-

I love you so much I can't believe this is happening to us, but we're re strong and will get through this.

I can't wait until we can take Bear on walks again, have kids and move into our dream house. I love you so much, and my biggest fear in all this is leaving you alone. You mean the world to me, and I couldn't imagine you with B. And obviously, I couldn't even imagine going into another world without my L!

I love you so much, and because of you, I promise I'm going to fight this with everything I have. I'll never give up, and I hope you continue to fight and sacrifice with me.

I love you so much and I can't even begin to show it, so I'll just stop here. Just know I love you and am doing everything in my power for you."

Days before Ben died, he made me promise that I would continue to do the things that I loved. He made me promise that I would run with Bear, that I would golf, and that I would move on. He was so scared to leave me alone. Ben's mom is a widow....a young widow by many standards. And Ben kept saying, "You are going to be a widow, just like my mom. My sweet Lindsay, why?" I told him I would try...I also told him he was being a jerk (not my proudest moment). I think he knew his mom's pain, and he knew that unfortunately I too was going to suffer a great loss. That I too was going to be a widow, and that I too was going to be alone. He saw what his mom suffered and knew that my fate was the same. He was so sad for both D-Bone and I!

I have relied on D-Bone for so much. She has helped me understand that in time things will be easier, but this is her son...a kid who lost his life way to young. This is hard for everyone....my parents, his parents, my family, his family, our friends.

Ben also left me a 3 minute voice mail as well as a i tunes play list both months and days before he passed. He was so worried about me, and I think he needed to know that I knew that he loved me and will always love me.

Today I took just my engagement ring off. I am not sure that I will keep it off, but it felt right and wrong. I know that I'm not married anymore, and this is my way of saying.....OK I get it! I still have on my wedding ring, but this is a start. And I can always put it back on right?

I went with Big D last Friday to the cemetery. We went to see the headstone. It was there but not placed. Both Big D and I were without words. Many tears were shed. Big D kept saying "Why Us, Why Ben, Why Lindsay", as he picked weeds. I felt so sad. I hate when Big D cries. He is so manly.....I picture him ripping a Deer open with his teeth, so when I see him cry, I cry. So when he is sad, I know that things are really that bad.

I turn 30 next week, and I can't believe that my 30 year milestone is coupled with this great loss. Ben was such a birthday person and this year is the first I am going to be without him in 6 years. I am alone/empty and fear I will be alone forever. I am getting old and fat...right Juancho!

My Dance Partner

2011-06-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

"I miss those blue eyes How you kissed me at night I miss the way we sleep Like there's no sunrise Like the taste of your smile I miss the way we breathe"

Colbie Caillat

Do you remember how much we loved to dance? Gosh if I think of one thing B and loved more than golf, I would have to say it was dancing. B was a grown man who loved nothing more than shaking it on the dance floor. I knew I loved him when he invited me to Barristers Ball aka Law School Prom and he whipped me around like we were a team on So You Think You Can Dance.

Funny enough the night started out a bit strange to say the least. You see, B and I showed up super late and quite intoxicated with a group of friends, leaving only a few open seats. The Dean was already talking and we were reprimanded immediately by the other teachers, or chaperons as we called them. We were pointed to the only open seats, which happened to be right next to (you'll never guess) my ex....ha! B, was so calm and collect he could have cared less, however Ryan was less than pleased....what can you do? What made matters worse, is that Ryan always thought Ben and I had something going on, but we didn't. Little was I to know that I would date and marry B. I guess Ryan was onto something, and so was Jill, a girl in B and I's major. She told me that B and I would date and that we would get married, she was sure of it...boy was it that obvious to everyone else?

Back to Barristers and dancing....the night ended with B whipping me around like a rag doll, and with Fielder strongly recommended that B refrain from picking me up anymore, since he dropped me at least 3 times. I don't know if she was protecting B, or I, or both, but I do remember laying on the dance floor, thinking, we make a great dance team.

And then Fox came out with the show So You Think You Can Dance. Let me start off my saying we didn't watch this show, however once while we were flipping though channels, we stopped to watch a hip hop routine. B was convinced that we could dance like professionals. So convinced that he suggested that I run and jump into his arms for a lift...a lift he was sure we could handle. This was only after much protest from me to B, that we weren't professional dancers, and that I thought someone was going to get hurt. Well my instincts were right, and B dropped me, and hard. I was laughing, and crying at the same time....and he, naturally was laughing. I thought I broke my ankle...it was swollen and blue, and Ben told me that I messed the move up.....yeah right, you stupid ass, you dropped me!

B was also known for his famous chair dance, which was captured on tape at Rick and Julia's wedding. This dance was so good you would have thought he practiced it. He pulled a chair onto he dance floor, and whipped out moves you could only dream of. Everyone was cheering, and screaming, and he loved it. And then following that, he grabbed me, dipped me, twirled me, lifted me off the ground, and took a bow. That too was captured on tape...something I have to cherish forever.

I too love dancing. I have 5 weddings this years, and I wonder, if I will dance? Will anyone ask me? Or am I marked with a big W for widow, much like Hester from the Scarlett Letter. Am I now going to be one of those girls that stands on the side, while everyone slow dances with their loved ones? How have I become a spectator of something I love so much?

Dancing always made us smile. Sometime last summer, B was having a very bad pain day. He was trapped in the house, in the basement. I will never forget B sitting there, a prisoner of his own home and body. There was nothing that could cheer him up, and then it dawned on me. I told him to put on the 80's music channel on the TV, and I busted a serious move for well over 30 minutes with the dog. Bear was barking and biting me, but I just kept dancing, and Ben laughed and laughed. I rolled up one pant leg, put on a hat, and danced our worries away. B was laughing so hard he was crying. I'll never forget that day.....he took pictures of me on his cell phone.

B even went to a wedding last summer and danced. It was unbearable to see him dancing with his cane, but he did it for me. He looked like a cancer patient then....no hair, skinny, fair skinned...so unlike himself, and yet there he was dancing, smiling. This was the last time we danced together. He held me tight....like he knew that it was going to be our last dance...so sad. And then of course there's the Hora...the best wedding dance ever!

People always offer their condolences and I don't know what to say, so I say things like "Oh it's OK". What the hell is that? It's like verbal diarrhea. It's not OK. Not even close. Last week I said that exact line to someone, and then made things very awkward, by saying "You know what, It's not OK. It actually sucks. Watching your husband die is horrible. " You want to talk about uncomfortable. I just stopped there, and walked away. My Word!

And then of course, there's the headstone. B's headstone is in. It actually made me sick to hear that today. Why is it that my mother-in-law and I are picking out headstones? Shouldn't we be talking about baby names, or my 30th b-day, or our vacations with our kids. Nope we are talking about headstones.....enough said. You win some you lose some right?

The Legend of the 517 Area Code

2011-06-10T18:04:00.001-07:00

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you the next time I see you. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

The Notebook

Tonight, I took an accidental step forward, or backward...hard to say. A step that I am wholeheartedly not sure I was ready to take. It all began when earlier today I was trying to text a friend of mine....one who is facing great hardship. I became increasingly annoyed when my text messages were not being sent to her. I felt it was very important that she knew I cared and that I was thinking of her, and unfortunately the Sprint Network could have cared less. Her brother needs all our prayers, so do me a favor and pray for her....please and thank you.

I was so irritated that I called Sprint. I wanted a credit and to find out if there were network issues in the area. What I didn't expect was to be bombarded with questions that could only be answered by the account holder...Mr. Benjamin Mutnick. They asked me if they could speak with him, and I kindly explained that unless they had a direct line to heaven, talking with Ben was going to be impossible.

I became hysterical. Sprint politely said (and I have to say they were pretty nice, let's not push it, I said nice, and only nice) that they needed to update the account and remove Ben as the primary holder. They then posed the question to me whether or not I wanted to turn Ben's phone off. Ben's phone is legendary in my opinion. Both he and I have had the same phone number since the EL. He has rocked the same 517 number for well over a decade. I will never forget the ring back tones he picked for me....Rubber Band Man, Fraggle Rock, Magic Carpet Ride, Here Comes the Bride, and the latest, Bring Me Back that Fillet O' Fish (yes that's right, the song from the McDoanld's commercial). Only Ben could get away with that ring tone for his wife....what a guy. And no matter where I am, every time I hear any of those ring tones or songs, I have to stop and take a moment so that I don't have a very public meltdown.

After processing what had just been said, I felt my throat close...for real. I was rushing down the steps for my EpiPen gasping for air. I actually considered sticking myself in the thigh or butt, but figured that John and Megs, or Don and Nanc would not appreciate a visit to the ole ER, so I put the EpiPen back. And the EpiPen and I don't really have a great track record. I actually thought that I got stung when we were at MSU. Let me start out by saying, whatever bit me hurt like hell....like a bee. I was studying in my bathing suit alone at a park, when I got stung. I totally freaked out, and tried to give myself the shot, which failed! I quickly jumped in my car, flagged down some police officers on bikes, who then called for back up. I landed myself laying on the side of the road in my suit surrounded by a bunch of firemen and police officers. I was so embarrassed....beyond embarrassed. They called an ambulance and made me climb in....mind you I'm still in my bikini! They hooked me up to all these monitors and checked my vitals only to find out that I had gotten stung by a horsefly...that's right, a horsefly. I wanted to die. All the guys were super hot.... every girls fantasy, and here I was in my bathing suit, toughly horrified. I have never been more embarrassed....Ben loves that story.

However, I felt like I'd just gotten stung by a nest of bees with no mercy, yes bees, not horseflies. I was caught so off guard and was so hysterical, that Bear hid in the closet.....big shocker. The dog who kills rabbits and squirrels before work, can't handle when I have a melt down...what a baby....but I love her! I could hardly calm myself down. It was then that I saw a picture of Ben and I from Jillie Bean's wedding. He was looking right at me, telling me to take deep breaths, and that it was going to be OK. I could hear him whisper to me "Lindsay it's just a phone, a legendary one at that, but it's just a phone. It's OK to let go....it's OK AMo."

I then closed my eyes and let go, just a bit. I feel like the rope just slipped through my fingers and that I wasn't' strong enough to hold on. I know it sounds silly, and it is just a phone, but it's Ben's phone. He was the last person to make a call on that phone. And I know that no matter how many times I call, he is never going to answer, and so today I turned the phone off forever. I never expected to be so emotional over something so trivial. No one can prepare you for a loss like this. It's the little things that tend to get you!

I only hope that some sexy, funny, blond haired, blue eyed babe, ends up with this legendary 517 number. It can't be anything but amazing. I am tempted to call it later this week and see who answers. I am tempted to tell this person how lucky they are to have this number and that the person who had this number before them kicked ass!!!!!!

So tonight we say a fair well to the BMuttz Blackberry/Crackberry. You are gone for now, but never forgotten. I will leave you with this.....

"Although they try to get on with their lives, their love does not die."

I Love you B...but you know that.

The Good 'Ol Days

2011-06-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dearest Ben,

I feel so stalled out. It is almost hard to explain. Never in my life have I been this tired. I guess I could attribute this to depression and lack of sleep. It is so hard at night to settle down. It is not that I try to forget you, because I don't, but the only way to get through the day is to act like my life is the same as it always was. However the minute I let my mind relax and actually think about my profound loss do I feel like I'm in a free fall. Every time I realize that you are gone, that you are dead, feels like the first time all over again. Every time I say out loud "Ben is gone" I bend over, and find that I am short of breath. My heart rate immediately skyrockets, and I burst into tears. This is something that happens every single time I tell myself you are gone.

I guess you could say that I feel the same as a 5 year old kid feels the night they learn they are going to Disney. It is the adrenale that keeps them awake, and it is the negative adrealanie that keeps me awake. I literally lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, hoping that I fall asleep in time to get some sleep before work. I wake up in a haze, with absolutely no concept of day or time. Most mornings, I turn off the alarm thinking it's Saturday. Why would I do that? I used to be a morning person, but each day it becomes harder and harder to pull myself out from under the covers....damn it! I am frickin ashamed! I don't know if its the antipication of what lurks around the corner....ie my 30th b-day or our anniversary, but I have been super emotional. I have felt your loss so much.

Someone I just met the other night asked me if I was really ready to get married when I did. He asked me how I knew if you were the one? I thought long and hard before I answered this question. What he helped me realize was that you were the one. You were the best I could ever do. You were so damn good looking...seriously, not to mention smart, athletic, funny, competitive, and a lawyer. I really don't think I could have done much better. Girls loved you! All of them, and you picked me. Little old Linds....how did I get so lucky? You must have been drunk when you bought the ring....just kidding B. I can hear you say...."Lindsay you don't give yourself enough credit....do you actually think I would marry an ugly biotch? Haha not a chance L!" You made me feel special and pretty. You told me every day that I was pretty....a pretty pie to be exact.

The Kisses and I spend many nights reminiscing about you, about us, about our vacations together. Lets not forget the first ever Law School Camping trip. You were so proud of the tent that you purchased on your West Law Credits. This tent is a legend, and for all the wrong reasons. So our group of 15 started a camping tradition. And for all of you who know me, camping is not my thing, unless it's at a hotel with a breakfast brunch. But relationships are about adventure and compromise so I land myself in Indiana with a bunch of attorneys for an outdoor Tom Petty concert.

It ended up being one of the best weekends we all had together. The tent Ben purchased was ridiculous in size. Let's just say that strangers thought that our tent was for dogs...it was so small. I still don't know how we slept in it. Ben and I had to sleep on an angle in a fetal position, so uncomfortable, but so cozy. And at one point we had 4 people in this tent....think of a clown car, and all the people unloading and you are left wondering how.....this was our tent! How in the hell we fit 4 is still mind boggling. And then of course there was the Gold Bond incident...John and Molly you know what I'm talking about. Followed up by an awesome live concert with some of our best friends. The night ended with the DNR telling us to turn the music down, and for the ladies to stop peeing in the woods. What I would like to know is, was that DNR officer watching us pee in the woods the entire night? Oh well....guess he enjoyed the show.

I'll never forget stopping at the Butt Hut either. I was convinced it was a strip club, and Ben played along. However it was a tobacco shop, phew what a relief. We stopped there for a few pops and cigs for a the few in the group who smoked pre-ben caner diagnosis. I was so upset I stayed in the car and almost cried, only to realize I was totally off the mark. Ben laughed his ass off.....
I am so gullible!

Ben also showed up to the concert rocking a Mohawk. A "Jewhawk" as he dubbed it. He decided the summer before the bar that he was going to cut himself a Mohawk. I thought he was having a mid-bar crisis, and that this was just a ridiculous passing conversation. Little did I know that he was actually going to get a Mohawk. He argued, like a good lawyer, that this was the only time in his whole life that he would be able to have a Mowhawk and I would have to embrace this new look. I was pissed!!!! But Ben, of course, pulled the look off. It was one hell of a "Jewhawk".

Ben was always full of surprises. He pushed me to be a better person. He made me more confident, and more assertive. I feel I have lost some of this confidence in his absence. I feel I have so much more to live up to now that he is gone. I just signed up to run the GR marathon. I owe this to Ben and I, and when I'm ready, I'll share the story behind this decision.

For now, just know that I think about you always,

Forever yours,
LMuttz

The Time Traveler's Wife

2011-06-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight for some reason I was drawn to watch the movie the Time Traveler's Wife. This is a movie based on the best selling novel with the same name. A novel that I tried to read, but found a bit to strange and far to less believable for my liking. However, the movie attracted my attention because I am a huge Rachel McAdams fan and thought why not.

The movie is a love story about a man with a genetic disorder that allows him to time warp. Time warp you say? I often times wonder what it would be like to time warp. To be able to move forward and backward in time allowing us to relive our best memories, to see the exact moment when you knew that you loved me, and that I loved you back. Or the day you proposed...it was perfect.

It is strange, but I have developed a routine. Every night I get into bed and I go on facebook. And not for the latest gossip or drama. I actually find facebook very upsetting at times. People tend to air their dirty laundry on facebook, and often times feel inclined to post things like FML, when they in fact have no reason to post this. I want to say to these people, really F your life? Why don't you come over to my house or come with me to the cemetery and really find out what it feels like to have a f-ed up life. And this may make me sound cold, or like a bitch, but really things are never as bad as they seem, that is, until you hit the bottom of the barrel. Once your at the bottom, you realize how silly all other minor matters really are. It takes something this tragic to give you a clear vision of what matters, of what really sucks, and how narrow sighted people can be.

Oh boy I'm going off on a tangent...back to the purpose of the my original mention of facebook.....as I was saying, every night I go on facebook to Ben's page. It is here that I go through the same 289 photos that he has posted to his account. I have the order memorized. I know first comes some of our wedding photos, followed up by the madame photos, and then a ton of the "We Got This" family photos, and so on. I look forward to these photos, but wonder if it is ever possible to be as happy as I was on our wedding day. In looking at those photos I see true bliss, true love, true happiness. To be honest I don't know if I will ever again be that happy. I don't doubt that I will again find happiness, but will I ever find that kind of happiness?

If I could just time travel, I could find out if your at least safe and happy, and I could find out if you remember me. I know that I will never forget you, but have you already forgotten me? Or are you watching? Do you see me cry? Do you know how much I miss you?

My life has been so infected with disease and with cancer that when people ask me questions relative to dates, I actually think to myself, was that pre-cancer or post-cancer. Did that happen before Ben died, or after. My life is in a holding pattern...this grief thing really really sucks.

And then of course there is that one cancer patient that keeps haunting me. I referenced his case in an earlier post, and then on Friday our department had to see him again. It is really really difficult. He reminds me so much of Ben it is sickening. It is so difficult to see him that I found myself pretty drunk with friends on Friday night. And I don't like getting drunk at all. I hate it as a matter of fact. Every now and again it's OK,, but the hangover is what kills me. Not to mention I get really chatty when I'm drunk, and I can never be certain what will fly out of my mouth.....oy vey. And the booze makes me miss you even more. Booze=recipe for disaster.

Moving on is so difficult. I thought that I was ready to take my wedding rings off the other day, but I'm not. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It is just difficult to find my place. Where do I fit in? I'm not married, I'm actually single, but I don't want to be single, I want to be married. I didn't choose this. I actually had no say in my own future. But there are times I look at my rings and think what a joke. They aren't wedding rings anymore. They don't represent a union between two married human individuals. I'm alone, I'm very very alone. I wish you were here to help. You always knew what to say to make me feel better or to smile. I miss our secret handshake, I miss your face.

I love you Ben and wish things wound have ended much better for us.

XOXOXOXXO

Your little Lady

The Rolling Rock Ride

2011-05-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hi B,

This past weekend turned out to be pretty busy for me. For the first time in months I had plans on Friday night. I guess you can't begin to understand what it's like to come home to an empty house, that used to be full of fun and good memories, to just the opposite. So any time away from home is welcomed at this point. And for me, Friday nights are the worst because that is a night that we used to spend together. It was a night filled with dinners and movies, or late night corn hole. So the once loved Friday nights, have become the nights from hell. The nights I spent taking sleeping pills and hitting the hay around 7...pathetic right? So as I was saying, this past Friday night I had dinner with friends and I actually stayed out late. It was so nice and so refreshing, and for once I felt a bit like Lindsay again, and this seemed to kick the weekend off on a good foot.

Then Saturday I decided to wake up and work out. It was early Saturday morning that I opened the garage and saw your old whip. It almost knocked the wind out of me. The whip I'm referring to is not a Porsche , but better, a custom made Rolling Rock mountain bike. And how we came to own this bike is worth sharing......

Imagine a summer in Chicago, hot and humid, with everyone out and about in Wrigley. It was the summer of 2006 when you came home with a clipping from the red eye. You had been asking for months to go and pick out a bike at Johnny Sprockets. That single summer day, you came across an ad for a Rolling Rock Bar crawl. You came in the door of our Wrigleyville apartment with a shit-eating grin, and a plan. This bar crawl featured many prizes, free drinks, and a grand prize give away...a Rolling Rock Mountain Bike...hence your plan. You decided that this was a bar crawl destined for us, and that you were going to win that bike. I'm thinking oh shit! You can't be serious. I mean how many bar crawls have I successfully gone on...hint, none. For one, I weigh a buck five, and I can't hold my alcohol. Never have, never will, and you know this! So a bar crawl is always an epic fail. And let's be honest, you can't slam the beers either. But once you get something in your head, it's almost impossible to change your mind, so I knew arguing with you about the negatives weren't going to get me anywhere. So I dove in head first...or beer first, or shot first....who knows at this point.

We started the bar crawl at Parrots on Clark, which has the vibe of a Jimmy Buffet Bar. We both enjoyed a few round of shots, and a few rolling rock beers. By now, I am feeling loose, and invincible, and you know that you are in for a long night. There is a drawing for concert tickets at Parrots to a Rusted Root Concert, and you'll never guess who wins.....LMuttz wins...that's right, LMuttz always wins! We proceed to a few other bars, where we both collect the standard bar crawl goodies....shirts, visors, beads, and wristband, naturally. By now LMuttz is out of hand and staying out much longer is going to kill me. I find the director of the bar crawl and ask him when they plan to give away the bike. He tells me that they plan to give the bike away at the last stop of the night....Harry Caray's. I know at this point that I need to get us to Harry Caray's and then get us the hell out of there.

We finally make it to Harry Caray's and I again find the young man in charge of the bike. I ask him when he plans to do the raffle and he says how about right now. I couldn't be happier. Seriously I could have kissed him....maybe I did, maybe I didn't. We had to fill out raffle tickets and had to hold onto them for the final drawing. Since I was being so annoying, the guy in charge asked me if I wanted to pick the raffle ticket. I quickly reached in the fish bowl, and pulled out my salvation. That ticket was the end to the night, was a stop at the McDonalds on Clark with a 10 piece nugget meal and large fries, it was a foot rub and a raging hangover...it was an end, or so I thought. After picking the ticket, I begin to make my way through a sea of people over to you. You stood attentively by the announcers booth. Like a little kid on Christmas day. You had your ticket in hand and waited. It is then that the winning ticket number is read. I am just thankful at this point that the bar crawl is over, however in an instant I see your hands go up. I know right now that you just won the bike. You start cheering that you won the bike like a crazy green bay fan...don't know why I went with Green Bay, first thing that came to mind. You run over to me, pick me up, swing me around, kiss me, and tell me that you just won the bike. I am totally shocked because I just picked your raffle ticket. What are the chances? I mean seriously. This doesn't happen to normal people, this happens to us. You were so happy and so damn proud of that free bike. And so when I see that bike, I see you. I see us. I feel our memories, our life.

That Rolling Rock Bike represents you. You lived life to the fullest. There wasn't a slow moment in our short life together. You taught me what it was to live, and so when I sulk on Friday nights, I know that I'm letting you down. These next few months are going to be pretty hard. The end of June is going to be the unveiling. Seeing your name on a headstone is going to set me back some. Not to mention I am going to be ringing in my 30th b-day without you, followed up by Arleigh's birthday, our anniversary, and then Roen's B-day. The summer used to be my favorite time of year, but right now, it's not looking to great.

I am trying my best, trust me. I even golfed alone this past weekend. I have never in my life had such a hard time finding a golf partner. It is during those moments, I miss you the most.

I am still thinking of you, and miss you more than words can say.

All my love,
Linds