Alcoholic Brain

WOW! It's been a while!

2022-03-04T15:06:00.001-08:00

I'll be back later to post in length what has been going on since the last time I created a post! It will be nice to get back into posting again on alcoholic brain. See you very soon!

Pain, soreness and more to do...

2018-11-10T06:58:00.001-08:00

AB (me) am Irish. I learned recently that my Great Grandparents were members of the Irish Mob. They lived in Woodstock Ontario, Canada. This group controlled underground crime from there to the north end of Boston Massachusetts. We were ruthless, and wouldn't hesitate to birth river's of blood from those who attempted to interfere with our operation from the outside or from within the families business concerns. Illegal alcohol distribution was a huge part of the family back then...Any member of the "family" caught consuming our products would be docked pay, and pistol whipped. A second offense, well, put it this way. No one ever knew anything about their disappearance...

I don't know why I opened this post by sharing the above information. Other than I think it's kinda cool to share where one comes from. There is something to be said about genetics.

In the early days before I joined AA, I drank a lot with an Irish friend by the name of Paddy O. Our favorite drink naturally, was Murphy's Irish Whiskey. One evening, driving home, Paddy was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was still alive when I got to the hospital, and was able to see him. He was able to share with me his dying wish. He made me promise that every year on his birthday, I was to visit his grave site, and pour a bottle of Murphy's Irish Whisky over his grave. I promised Paddy that I would be honored to do that. Shortly after, Paddy O'Furnature, passed away.

On the evening of his first birthday, I pulled into the cemetery, and parked near his grave. I sat in my car, sipping on the last drink from a bottle of Murphy's. I finished it up and realized I had to urinate badly. I got out of my car and proceeded to urinate seemingly forever, totally covering his grave. I then spoke to Paddy O. I slurred, "Paddy, you are sorely missed my dearest friend. I have just poured Murphy's over your grave as you requested that I do. What I failed to tell you Paddy however, is that the the Murphy's would not be wasted. I therefore ran it through me kidneys first! See you next year! (I told you we were ruthless).

As far as my move I have another dresser and corner computer desk to get in here. Then, just my fishing and camping gear is all I have left to move. It hasn't been easy for me. I am in fair health with some limitations. But without drinking, I will get done!! God helped immensely...

I Might Go Back...

2018-10-22T10:13:00.001-07:00

I like to start off lite hearted, before getting into the red meat of the post. "So anyway this stud horse walks into a bar and orders a glass of beer while picking out a stool at the plank. The bar keep brings a cold beer to the horse and says, hey Stallion, why the long face? The horse mutters something having to do with a mare, saying she ain't what she used be." Obviously a domestic issue at the barn.

"Did you hear about the frog that was parked illegally? It got toad."

Ok, since 1992, I have always lived with roommates. The preface being two people renting is more cost effective than living alone, especially with my meager income. I am on Social Security Disability Insurance. I'm dirt poor. It's pathetic. Fourteen months ago, I went to HUD Housing and filled out some applications for housing. I was warned by the staff that the waiting list is about a one year wait. I finally got a call from HUD, and was told I made it to the top of the list, and the most desirable apartment, at the best housing apartment building, was being offered to little AB. I pounced on it. I started paying rent on 09/27/2018. By October 21st, I believe I have all my stuff moved into my new Crib. I had to move away from an environment that was not conducive to recovery from Alcohol misise, abuse and addiction to it. With all the illegal drugs being used, and sold there, I was reduced to living in my bedroom. I don't know how I stayed alcohol free. People were coming and going at all hours of the night. They were smoking a very powerful central nervous system stimulant. As well as selling it. I need to add that my room mate had been asking me to leave for a long time. I never really did anything to help her and she reached out to what she new out if fear of being evicted.

I haven't been to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in over three years. I see myself in Gorski's relapse dynamic. In AA members refer to this condition as a dry drunk. I have to get back on track and get my ass to some meetings of AA to interrupt what could spell disaster for me. I pray to see some of you in the area, whilst I attend some meetings. God willing...

Merry Christmas

2013-12-25T05:40:00.001-08:00

Another sober Christmas. Since my last post a lot has happened. For about the past six months I have been looking for a place to rent. I have spent the last eight years with a woman I dearly love. The issue is we just don't get along very well much of the time. We agreed back then, that it be best if I would hang my hat in my own crib. I'm on a fixed income so it's ideal for me to split the cost of a rental with a roommate. An old roommate of mine from years ago was also looking. We rented a house about 40 miles from where I live now. We took it over December 3rd, and I'm still moving stuff. I should be done by the first of January. I'm really slow and can't lift very much so I just do what my body allows. My body tells me when enough is enough. I have had some help which is very good. I could use more help but pride keeps me from asking. Sounds like an alcoholic.

On October 4th I finally reached my 8 year AA birthday. I'm still very young...

Good to see you...

2013-08-01T08:53:00.001-07:00

Almost three years since my last post! I must be resting on my laurals. Hope I spelled that right. No, I didn't relapse. Still not drinking, just neglecting my blog. I will be fixing some broken links and uploading some more graphics. I still attend one AA meeting a week and see my sponsor/AA friend weekly as well. Since my last post, I think I've had two more back surgeries. Those are fun. I have to deal with the chronic pain thing, and the stigma that goes with it. My depression issue is alive and well. These things are much easier to manage without alcohol however. Anyway, as always, I'm starting my day with two hours of quiet time and a pot of coffee. This isn't easy to do using a smartphone! I will use my computer most of the time. That keyboard is larger than my phone. This one finger typing is sort of a bitch. Ok, got to take on the day! Bye for now, AB.

Passion and balance...

2010-12-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Last week a friend in AA and I went Walleye fishing and caught our limits over the three days we spent in his cabin on the lake. This is a 10 pound fish. The smallest fish I saw caught was 5.5 pounds. Walleye is great eating. It was cold, but we had a blast! This would have never happened if I were drinking. I am grateful to be sober and working on balance in my life. Fishing is something I'm passionate about! Hope you all have a sober December! Love, AB.

Gratitude Month...

2010-11-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

In AA November is known as Gratitude Month. Ok I'm grateful I'm still sober and celebrated 5 years sober last October. Also in October I had my 5th back surgery. I am grateful I have medical insurance to cover all my issues. I wish I could say that life is 99% beautiful and wonderful for me but it's not. I'm still trying to learn how to roll with the punches of life and my tendency to implement my will rather than God's will. I will concede that I am getting better at that. Progress is good and I will never achieve perfection. I live in the same place with the same lady who now has two years plus, sober. Drama for the most part has vanished. I hope that you all enjoy this Thanksgiving day, and take the time to count your "gratitude's." Until next time America! And remember if you give AA a try to quit drinking, you just might never, ever, feel the need drink again. AB.

The New Year

2010-01-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

I am really slacking as far as keeping this blog up to date. I managed to make it through the holidays without too much damage. The household managed to stay sober. We had a Christmas with a tree, decorations, lights inside the house and out. There were a lot of presents under the tree. My first year sober, I didn't do Christmas. Instead I went to the Alano Club and ate Christmas dinner with other alcoholics. This year, I managed to stop by the Club and say hi to all and celebrate the holiday at home with those I love. By far it was the best holiday since getting clean and sober. Recovery for me isn't easy as I have conflicts going on that I am trying to accept and adjust to. Selfishness, and self-centeredness is not easy for me to overcome. Having to place the needs of others as more important than some of my own isn't easy. As the Big Book of AA says on page 62, "Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."

I am in the process of putting the needs of others first, in this situation. This means I have to lean on my Higher Power for help. I will get my needs met if I can stick with absolute reliance on my God.

I believe I read that somewhere...I hope you all had a sober and safe holiday. I wish you all a wonderful new year to come. AB.

Gratitude month...

2009-11-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

November is gratitude month. At 4 plus years sober, I'm feeling a very real gratitude at times. I spoke with the lady I live with last night and was in tears telling her how grateful I was to be considered family by her and her daughter. I have a handful of real friends in AA too. Real friends. I didn't have any of those when I was drinking...Well, maybe one or two. They usually wanted something...like sex or money or both. Some just wanted to drink my booze so they wouldn't have to buy it or they were broke...I am truly grateful that LP and SP love me as well as my real friends. Today I am free from the bondage of self. Today I give, instead of take. My God loves me and wants me sober so I can spread His good news.

October 4th, AA Birthday...

2009-10-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have had little to do with this, but on the 4th of this month I had 4 years without the need to drink. dAAve hit it when he reminded me that I just had to be "willing" to do some of the suggestions that AA has to offer. I have been doing that, and it is working for now, day by day. That's all I have, a day at a time. Year three was rough. My father and sister both passed away, and I miss them. I often have nightmares about my sisters death, as I saw her die. I hope these troublesome things pass. I know they will, as long as I remain willing to work toward staying sober and trusting my Higher Power at all times. I wish things were different at home, but I'm just giving into selfish desires concerning that. I went to two meetings in a row this week. Both Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I don't do that often. I enjoyed both meetings. I enjoy any AA meeting I attend. I didn't like AA for a long time. That has changed. For that I am grateful.

I pray you are all doing well. I am much less depressed. AB.

I have been away...

2009-09-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well dAAve, I am still here. I backed off the blog thing for a while, thinking I was burnt out. The truth is I have been in a deep depression. I was first treated for depression at age 15. It is something that has haunted me my whole life. Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I seem to nose dive. What I have learned is that I don't have to drink over it today. But it does have some negative ramifications, like snapping and being a jerk to those I love and care deeply about. I am slow to do Step 10. My Alcoholic Brain still tells me things that are not true. Sometimes it appears I believe it's lies, causing hurt to others...Then they react.

Thanks for the comment dAAve. It might just make me do the things that helped me a lot in recovery and that is posting more often on my blog.

I am still sober and today is another day. It looks like I have an AA birthday next month. If I can do God's will, maybe I will have that birthday.

Summer's here...and summer not...

2009-06-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

Still sober, my roommate Lonnie and myself. Fishing season has started and I have been making ready for it. I haven't many fishing buddies. The boat needs a minor adjustment. The proper mounting of my Eagle fishfinder. Probably do that tomorrow. Attended three meetings this week. For the past two months I have been thinking about getting out of the valley and moving to Mexico, but that has been my pattern of thinking for past acute relapse episodes. Like when I moved to Vancouver Island, British Columbia Canada, in 2004. Getting out and camping and fishing really boosts my spiritual self. I hope to do a lot of it this season. I need it.

I think I'll lay low for a while right here. Moving right now would be a bad idea. I still feel terribly lonesome sometimes, but that's ok. It tells me who I am at this point in my recovery. I may get discouraged, but I won't give up before the miracle.

Thanks for visiting and thanks for not smoking while here. Behave yourselves. AB.

Calm assertive...

2009-03-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

Sounds like The Dog Whisperer. My roommate and I are still sober, and especially over the past several days, have become more open concerning intimate communication. The common ground we have is a strong love and respect for each other. It doesn't get much better than that.

I am grateful for my roommate and her progress in the God given program of recovery.

I am grateful for many things...

Today...

2009-02-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

I am happy everybody is sober in the house today. Still, I haven't started my second fourth step yet. I talked to my sponsor today about the brain following a relapse. I have relapsed many times over the years. A friend recently relapsed and is facing a possible divorce. This person's binges are getting closer together and their cognitive thought process shows increased deficits. It's sad, but at least they are not drinking today. I can relate to all of this, having relapsed so much since the early 90's. Things are never the same, and I will expect changing tides day by day. My roommate and I are getting along well. I think life will be good as long as I don't drink. I'm having episodes of intense loneliness, having lost my dad and only sister this past year. I miss my family. I have found that I'm just not doing the simple things in the program of recovery that makes recovery better. Like meditation and prayer. Gotta start doing more of the simple things to take some of my stress away. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for not smoking while here. AB.

Grateful for today.

Changing roles, renewed Step 4, Family roles...

2009-01-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, my roommate is home from treatment. She is like family to me. Everyone in an alcoholic home play certain roles, like the lost child, caretaker, scapegoat, and the hero. I have found that I have had to change roles. I have always known that though. Alcoholics really don't like change much, so I don't like it, but I know I have to change my role because if I don't then it opens the door to "unwitting sabotage." Family members cannot see the reasons they have to change. However, they must change. This unwitting sabotage causes too many alcoholics to relapse following treatment. The family too often is in denial of the need for family treatment, or even Alanon meetings. The alcoholic, when drinking causes the family to develop roles that make the family appear normal to people outside the family. When the alcoholic gets sober, the family roles are threatened. I am grateful that I knew my role would change at home concerning her. It gives myself and her a better chance of staying sober a day at a time in AA.
I have decided to do another 4Th Step and will begin that very soon. I got after my sponsor last night after the meeting to get on me about working some Steps and holding me more accountable where my recovery is concerned. I have been sober more than three years and have found myself lax in my program. That's not a good thing. Alcohol, nor alcoholism never take any time off. It is there waiting for me to screw up my program.

I am grateful today for having a place to live. It is starting to feel like a home again.

I am grateful for my roommate. For some reason her being here makes me want to be a better person.

I am grateful for my friend/sponsor who is always there for me no matter what.

I am grateful to have food to eat.

I am grateful to be in a position to help other alcoholics. I am hooked on alcoholics.

I am grateful for today. I am much happier.

I am grateful for our dog Roxy.

Thanks for visiting and all of you please behave yourselves, and thank you for not smoking while here. TeeHee. AB.

It's differen't...

2009-01-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

Made a trip to pick up my roommate from a six month treatment center. The drive over the mountain passes were scary as the weather pounded them with snow and rain. She is now trying to decompress from being away. Stepping into the real world can be a bit overwhelming. I am proud of her and she seems to be headed in the right direction. She appears to be making healthier choices in her new recovery. I hope she sticks around and goes to lots of meetings.

If you would like to visit my roommates blog click "Lonnie." Please leave a comment and offer your link if you would like. Thanks. Now about me. I am still sober and I had my last appointment with my therapist yesterday. I will still see the shrink to stay on my psych meds. I plan to do another 4th Step shortly, and would like to start a Joe and Charlie seminar on the journey through the steps. Things are different at home. I am working on accepting some of the changes here. Acceptance is a process and not an event. My ego is sometimes a problem. I will try and smash that. Thanks for visiting...AB

Another death, and other stuff...

2008-12-26T00:23:00.000-08:00

My sister passed away about two weeks ago. She had been ill for a long time, but we all thought she had a few years left, so it was bad news. She stopped breathing at home and was taken to the hospital and placed on life support. We met with several doctors and were told that she was not going to pull through so we might consider taking her off of life support. I had decided to be with her when they pulled the plug. The doctor said she could last from 10 minutes to two days. She had end stage lung disease. They also discovered that she had a cirrhotic liver and her abdomen was full of cancer. This was also causing internal bleeding. Right after the life support was removed, I saw the nurse give a massive dose of morphine into her IV. I love nurses. After a few loving words were shared, she passed about an hour and a half later. It wasn't all peaceful and calm at first. My sister is a scrapper and wasn't going down without a fight. She managed to say she loved me and she was also crazy about my roommate that is in treatment. It's been a rough year. But it has been a sober year. I am giving to someone without taking. Without expecting anything in return. As Rocky Balboa once said, "Friends don't owe. Friends do because they wanna do." It feels wonderful just to do things right for a change. I wish I could say I owe it all to AA. AA has, and still is a huge help. For a change I have applied a few things from AA. I had really never done that before. Something has changed within me. I just don't talk about it much. I just want to continue to practice these things in all of my affairs...Hope you all had a good Christmas.

Graduation...A new beginning.

2008-12-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

The evening of the 8th I got a call. She will be coming home following graduation from treatment. I will drive over for graduation, then pick her up the next day after she is discharged for the long drive home. I'm happy she is coming home. Nonstop it's about a 5 hour drive one way. I'm glad the gas prices have gone down.

A week and a half ago I fell climbing down off the roof of my garage. I landed on my feet. I stuck the landing pretty well, but before I hit I knew I had hurt my back again. Some of you know since early 2003, I have had 4 back surgeries. This injury is a good one. A friend came over last Friday and I asked him to go get my chainsaw and cut my leg off. He thought I was kidding. Maybe those who have had leg pain due to back injury know what I mean. It's the kind of pain where they give you the really good drugs. They just seem to take a bit of the edge off, to where I'm only grinding my teeth. I have been praying like a mutha. Most of the time I can't sleep because of it hurting. A year ago last August was my last surgery. Maybe I'm due, I don't know. I hope not. Sure is good to be sober though. I don't think I would be a very good drunk having to handle this pain stuff. We have had a few go back out for more research (slips) lately. One person I'm quite fond of and is out there using alcohol/meth. I pray they are lucky enough to get back. I could use a good old fashioned 12 step call...

So grateful for her...and my God.

2008-12-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

My best friend and roommate who is still away in treatment, is on my mind a lot. She will complete a six-month inpatient program soon. Before she comes home, she may enter into another more structured environment for extra time. This is due to honesty that she is afraid she might drink due to powerful episodic physical alcohol cravings, along with episodes of deep depression of almost a bipolar nature. At first I was upset that she might not be coming home right away. I stayed pissed for almost a week! I took off my ring and threw it in a drawer. That was the selfish me. King Baby was really acting up. It didn't take me long to realize what she and I really have. It's more than most. She and I have always agreed that we were best friends first. Regardless what happens or doesn't happen between us. Example, we may be romantically involved like we have been, or we may not be for a while. We may never be involved that way again. She is at the moment of truth where one more drink could very well be her last. Death could follow a binge with her. This time it matters and it's real. In the past, she didn't appear to be afraid of another drink. She and I are not going to let the complications of a relationship with each other get into the way of her recovery. Even though she says a relationship with me has never been difficult. I have always been patient, kind and tolerant of her alcoholism and it's associated behaviors. If she and I are to be together, God will probably make sure that happens.

As I walked around this place tonight I was recalling some joy we have experienced here. Last Christmas we were all sober and were able to have a beautiful, love filled Christmas. I told her it was the best Christmas I had in over 20 years. That's the truth. Coming up on two years that we have lived here in this place, I have so much to be thankful for. Just last night she said "I love you." I always have loved her. She would try so hard to stay sober. I've never seen anyone try so hard. Yet time after time she would "fail." But I never lost hope, or gave up on her, when so many others did. Some think I'm nuts for hanging in so long. That's the problem with a lot of people today. They give up to easy, which is the easy thing to do. Sometimes the best things to do in life are to do the hard things. With this woman though, I have never felt discouragement. I got divorced from my second wife in 1990, and for the first time in my life since, I have felt these past couple of years that I live in a home, rather than a house. I have an undying love for her, whether we end up together or apart. She has brought love and hope back into my life, a kind I have never had. This is something I may have missed out on if God hadn't made our paths cross two short years ago. Back then I made some promises to her. I promised that I would never abandon her. I promised I would never leave her. I promised her hope, always. I promised that I would always believe in her. I promised these things will always be, as long as I am alive. She is such a beautiful part of my life. I know I have a God that loves me, and loves her as well. I have grown and learned much from my best friend/lover/roommate. I am so grateful and thankful that we connect and have total trust in each other. This is deeply personal for me to say all these things.After a life of breaking promises, it feels beyond beautiful to keep these. I will forever be my best friends cheerleader. She is worth it.

Three years...

2008-11-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

I finally made it past the 3 year sober mark October 4th. I haven't been sober that long since I blew nearly 13 years sober in '92. I still have long deep bouts of depression. Some say it's the weather. I wish the weather was actually the root of my depressions. November is "Gratitude" month. I am grateful that I am sober. The past two months I have been able to attend AA meetings out of town. The meetings sure are different than they are here. It's neat to see newcomers chairing AA meetings. That doesn't happen much where I live. My best friend is also doing well. They have the most sobriety now since they relapsed after having 9, or 12 years sober...I forget how many years she had. It doesn't matter for either of us right now as things change and recovery is different for the both of us. It's only one day at a time. I would like to live each day as if it were my last. I don't know why I don't do that. I don't see others living that way either. What's wrong with people? None of this probably makes any sense but I don't give a shit if it does. It doesn't have to make sense. Go fishing and have a happy and sober Thanksgiving.

Alanon

2008-09-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been to a couple of Alanon meetings. It has been 24 years since I have attended Alanon. I had to attend it while in college when I studied alcoholism. It was required.

But I'm going of my own accord with a push from a friend, and my sponsor. I usually don't respond well when pushed to do things like attending Alanon, but I'm too old to fight others advice anymore. I'm sick and tired thinking I know it all. I have so much to gain and very little to lose. We had six newcomers to the meeting Monday night. I was moved. It was a very emotional meeting. A first step Alanon meeting. Alanon's are very sick people. Alcoholics can really screw people up. But it's great that those who love their alcoholic enough that they seek out Alanon to learn how to grow themselves! Yeah for Alanon and AA!

If you have an alcoholic that you care about in your life, check out Alanon...You will be glad you did.

I'm still sober and grateful I can do these things. Maybe I can help myself as well as others. Thanks God!!

Camping and fishing for sanity...

2008-06-10T02:33:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I went "boat camping." This is where you can only get to the campsite by boat. A friend in AA invited me to go. He and two other people were already there when I did finally show last Monday. They all stayed there a week. I stayed three days. After driving 145 miles, I had to launch my boat and ride the last five miles up lake to camp. It was awesome. What a beautiful way to get the clutter out of my head! I took my second favorite girl, Roxy. She went swimming on her own for the first time. I was in my tent and heard a loud splash and looked out and there she was paddling all over the place! Very cool. I was beaming like a proud father! I took a bunch of pictures and here are a few. It was so quiet and peaceful. I swear I could hear God snoring...We did manage to catch a lot of Walleye and Bass. But I'll just add that catching fish is just a fringe benefit...

I am so grateful to be sober, and to enjoy these kind of things that bring me peace, and plants a warm smile on my face. Extra nice to share the trip with a friend in recovery as well...

Micky...

2008-05-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

I dig your copy and paste comments that have nothing to do with the current posts at all. You say you spread the word about God and Jesus Christ...All I ever see coming from you is your sad attempt to smear a great many programs of recovery that have and continue to help millions of people. Some actually go on to join a church. But when they see the shit you spew, it's nothing but a turn-off. It's folks like you who chase people away from even considering attending a church. Do the world a favor and spread your joy somewhere in the middle east. I'm sure you will be well received there.

Oops...

2008-04-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

I for got to mention that I'm very grateful for my dog. She loves to fish...

Gratitude...

2008-04-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have times where I don't feel grateful. Self-centered me huh? So, when I'm not feeling grateful, a good way to get there is to make a list:

I am grateful for:

1. Eggo waffles
2. Peanut butter
3. Jelly/Jam
4. AA
5. Good orderly direction
6. A new prop for my boat
7. My special friend
8. My brother
9. My sister
10. Fishing and camping gear
11. Nature

See you soon!