I am trying my very best not to focus on the harsh memories and events that happened at the hospital, my dad was so sick and suffered through so much pain it is really difficult to think about. Its also hard to think about the roller coaster of emotions our entire family went through these next few weeks.

This day in particular, I had flew into California with a one way ticket, having no clue what the next weeks would hold for our family. I felt hopeful, thankful to be able to get the time off work to be with my dad, anxious about the what-if’s, determined to advocate for my dad with my nursing knowledge the best I could to ensure he had the very best care possible. I really had no idea what was going to happen from the time my plane landed but prayed my entire flight that God would be by my side.

I remember being so happy to see my sister and nephew. She looked exhausted after the long hours she had spent visiting with my dad and taking care of Asher, emotional and stressed was thrown in the mix too. My nephew made me smile as always and was a great way to take our minds off the anxiety over everything that was going on. We stopped at Starbucks of course and chatted as we drove to the hospital my dad had already been at for a week.

I remember walking into his room, determined to have a smile on my face no matter what I saw, and actually being taken back. I remember having to catch my breath. He was sound asleep, the morphine I’m sure, and looked so thin and weak, tired and sick. His skin was yellow from the jaundice and the tube in his nose really bothered me. I knew it was there, I have seen hundreds and in fact inserted many of them myself into my own patients but to see medical equipment on your own family is just a different ballgame. His belly was more swollen than normal from the fluid build up because his liver was sick. He heard us walk in and woke up with a big smile on his face, excited to see me as always. His smile tried so hard to assure me that he was going to be ok but something in my heart just whispered different. I remember biting my lip so I didn’t cry or show him I was upset. I wanted to be strong just like he was being and had been for so long. He got up and we all went for a walk outside, it was such a beautiful day out and the sun starting to set in the sky made me feel hopeful for what the next day would hold. There had to be some answers, it had already been days and days of the same tests, same pain, no solution. He stayed light hearted, laughing and joking with us, enjoying his family and of course Asher like he always did. I cant imagine he must have felt so different though having to be in a hospital gown, attached to an IV pole and heart monitor. I wished for just that afternoon we could have taken all that away.

I remember the doctor coming in when we were all in the room, a doctor I knew from the couple years I had worked at that hospital. He didn’t sound very hopeful at all actually, he explained the problem, all the tests that had been done, ways they had tried aggressively freeing my dads intestines from the obstruction that was causing so much pain. They had been putting off surgery because they knew that it would be too much of a hit on his already sick liver and there would be nothing they could do afterwards to save him. He made mention of him needing to be transferred to a major medical center that did organ transplants because he would need to be worked up immediately so that he could get a liver transplant as soon as possible after the surgery. I knew my dads situation was serious, but it was the first time that I had ever thought he would need something as major as a liver transplant. In order for my dad to survive this ordeal, he would need an organ from someone who is deceased. It just boggled my mind. Before he left, he made a comment that really stung and I will never forget the way it made me feel. He said that he was doubtful any physician at a major medical center would accept my dad because he is so “high risk.” That was the first time that the real severity of his condition set in. What do you mean no one would accept him? He was a normal functioning person three weeks ago, in fact he was on vacation visiting my family and while he wasn’t 100% he by no means was hopeless. This was my dad this man was talking about, my best friend, the worlds greatest grandfather to my two little girls. He was the best husband of 29 years to my mom. The caregiver for my nephew. We all NEEDED him, not to mention wanted him around for many more years. How can you say so casually you aren’t sure if anyone will accept him?? So then what? No one accepts him so we just let him die right here since he is too “high risk” for anyone to do anything? I was crushed. I remember sitting with my aunt that night and actually picturing in my head taking my dad to hospice. Just keeping him comfortable with even more morphine than he was already getting and letting him slip into a coma and die. Based on what that doctor said that was the next steps I was playing through my head.

That night, I stayed with him. I made myself a bed on the chaise/chair that was next to his bed and even though it was miserably uncomfortable it was nothing compared to the pain he was enduring. He would be in agony the hour before his pain medicine was scheduled to be given, deep breathing and grimacing  tossing and turning. That night I will never forget the second time my dad broke down in front of me, the first being the day he lost his own dad. He was sitting on the side of the bed, trying to reposition himself to relieve some of the pain. I was trying to rub his back and give him reassuring words, anything to make him feel better. He just started loudly sobbing and telling me that he couldn’t do this anymore, the pain was just too much. I was speechless, literally no words would even come out no matter how hard I tried to form them. I just prayed quietly while rubbing his back, telling him it would be ok and that the pain would be gone soon. I apologized over and over again, because really what else can you say? The morphine came eventually and he was able to fall back asleep. I prayed that God would use me in some way to be able to comfort or console my dad, begging him to take the feelings of being helpless and hopeless away.

At midnight we got the best news I had ever heard in my life. A physician at USC Medical Center accepted care of my dad and wanted him transferred over as soon as possible. The nurse, Goldie, was working as quickly as possible and would keep us updated as things moved along…

Exactly one year ago today I rushed my dad to the hospital.There in the emergency room I held his hand and cried with him. I’d never seen my dad in so much pain. My mind immediately thought the worst.. He saw me crying and quickly calmed down, telling me not to cry and he would be ok. I believed him. He’d been in similar situations before and he’d always been ok. I had no idea that just 4 weeks later I would have to say goodbye for the last time. Never in a million years did I think that when we left the house for the hospital that would be the last time he would walk through our front door. My dad had been doing so well the previous 4 months. He’d really taken control of his health. We were doing it together. Because of him I will never take my health for granted, and I will always be in control of what I am putting my body through. Because I can. My health is in MY hands, and I will live for him in the best way that I can. I have no reason not to give life my all everyday. Yes, I am sad beyond words and my heart is broken beyond repair, but as the saying goes- life must go on. I have no choice but to keep living this life and making the most of it. You are on my heart every single day dad. You will always be my best friend. You will always be the coolest guy I’ve ever known. You will always be my reason to push harder. Today and everyday I am going to live for you, because you can’t be here to live this life you so deeply loved. I miss you every second.

I cant believe a year has gone by. While the anniversary of my dads death is not until next month, a year ago today he went to the hospital for abdominal pain, never to see his house again. Our house, our home, the home I spent the majority of my life in, the home my parents raised me and my sister in. He left his toothbrush by the sink, his garden un-watered, his clothes folded next to his bed without a clue that he would never see any of them again.

Its all so hard to comprehend sometimes really. I completely understand the finality and reality of death, I work around it every day actually and in my years of experience have grown to become very comfortable with the process of helping a patient and their family transition from aggressive medical interventions to comfort and allowing natural death. Its a beautiful thing when you can help the person accept that death is inevitable and help ease their fears, and to be able to comfort and hold the hands of the grieving family members not quiet ready to let go brings me great joy. But not my dad. Not my best friend that I was sure I would have another 20 years with.

It all changes the second it hits close to home. The second its your loved one in that bed, wearing that hospital gown, getting that tube or line inserted, suffering through that pain. It all changed for me when that became my dad. I have said this before but I guess I thought I had some free pass, a ‘get out of jail free’ card of sorts. Nothing sad would happen to me. My parents both would live into their 80′s or 90′s and die of old age. They would see their grandchildren graduate high school (that was always my dads life goal), go off to college, even get married and have children of their own. Surely God wouldn’t take MY parents from me too early.

Guess again.

As I am working through my grief, continuing to pray and read Gods word about His plans for my life, I am realizing more and more that God did not ‘take’ my dad from me. While it feels like that sometimes, in those moments where I am so deep in heart wrenching sadness and pain that I feel like one of the most important people in my life has been wrongly ripped out of my arms, I repeat over and over in my head that just like it says in Psalm 139:

And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, before one of them came to be. Psalm 136:16

God clearly knew that at age 59 my dad would go on to live in eternity. He knew that at age 29, with 1 and 3 year old precious little girls who adored their sweet Grampy, that I would temporarily part ways with my earthly father until we are reunited again in heaven. God knew that my sister would painfully say goodbye to her dad before the age of 25. God knew that my mom would be a widow at the early age of 51. God knew that all of those tragedy’s would happen in our lives before they occurred.

Yet, He is still good.

I may not see His plan clearly now, I may not understand why, I may not see or feel any of the good but I trust. I trust Him with every ounce of my being and if I didn’t then I would be in a big heap of a mess right now. If I didn’t trust that God perfectly facilitates our lives while here on earth even when we think He must not be watching over us or must not care about us, I know that He perfectly works out all the details of our lives according to His plan.

So today, while I am allowing myself a day of sadness and grieving, I am letting the tears flow freely and flipping through the photos, I just trust.

These were taken by my dad on his last trip to our house. This was the last time he took the girls for their morning walk to Dunkin Donuts and to watch the school bus’s drive by. I know these sweet faces are the images that were ingrained in his memory when he thought about them in his last days with us. 

This picture was at Simi Valley Hospital. Seeing my nephew here and his lack of hair makes me realize how much time has really passed. Asher was my dads pride and greatest joy, he treasured every second spent with him and made the most of every single day they had together. 

I cant believe its been 9 months since the last time I saw you. I know I have pictures but they are just not the same. As I am just barely starting to type this my heart is heavy, my throat feels tight and my chin is quivering. It is just still so painful. Dad, I am scared that I am forgetting you. I am forgetting what it was like to have you in my life. I am forgetting all the things I used to call you for or text about. I havent heard the sound of your voice in ages because it is too painful to listen to my saved voicemails or watch a video. Just simply saying your name hurts so much.

I just still cant even believe it.

Most days this last month I have actually been ok. Most days I can think about you with happiness in my heart. Most days I am not breaking down multiple times throughout the day, getting myself into sobbing fits that are so bad I can barely breathe. Occasionally tears will fall but they are in few and in a bittersweet way sort of healing tears. Does this mean I am “moving on”? I really hate that figure of speech. I will never “get over” or have “moved on” from what you were in my life and what you still mean to me. I have to remind myself that just because I am not in hysterics does not lessen the love I have for you nor does it erase the huge void that is in my life. I am learning to lean on God, to fill that painful hole with prayers and reading scripture. I know you werent a church going guy but I do know for certain you are in our eternal home. I keep reminding myself that our heavenly Father is all of our first Fathers and truly he is the greatest of all. Growing in my relationship with Him will only benefit me when it is my turn to be called home, whenever that may be. Remembering to have an eternal perspective on my life really helps on those days that all-consuming grief sneaks in. I know that I was so blessed to have you as my dad for 29 years but that is just a speck of dust compared to eternity in the same place. I am sure you are up there probably gardening and watching all of your favorite sports games.

I just wanted you to know how much I miss you.

I love you forever.

I realize that it may seem weird to write a letter to my deceased dad but this is all a part of my healing and grieving and its just been on my heart. I will never be ashamed of my feelings.

Sweet Gianna,

You are 4 months away from being 2, I cant even believe it! Seriously time just goes by so quickly. You are becoming so much more fun as you grow and your spunky personality comes out more and more.

At 20 months you are:

-Wearing 24 months/2T clothes, you are basically the same size as your sister just shorter. We mix your clothes up all the time!

-Boycotting food. You rarely eat anything and your always throwing whatever we give you on the floor

-Growing your vocabulary by leaps and bounds. You will repeat anything we say and your favorite words right now are baby, momma, sissy, dada, no, and out

-Love playing with baby dolls and wrapping them up in blankies

-Still drinking your milk at bedtime

-Fell out of your crib. Major mom FAIL. After you fell we turned your crib into a toddler bed and for 3 nights all you would do is walk around, play, go in the closet, open drawers, and yell at the baby gate. Needless to say we found a different solution and you are back safely in your crib. I think we will keep you there until your feet stick out the ends

-Are loving your new daycare and have so much fun playing. You are Miss Keri’s buddy and she just adores you

-Are obsessed with socks and still love shoes. You will take the same pair off and on 50 times

-Still climb all over everything and are very accident/fall prone. We have had to baby-proof our house all over again even though your almost 2!

-Love to color and will lay on your tummy on the floor and color with crayons. Just about the cutest thing I have ever seen

-Had a fun time celebrating Christmas even though you are still a little bit young to understand. Your most favorite thing is a book from your cousin Dana called ‘No David!’ You will sit in our laps and have us read it to you a million times. You also act out all the things david does and love to point and shake your finger saying “no no!”

-Are such a sweet snuggly little girl and daddy and I couldnt love you more!

To the moon and back baby girl,

Momma

We hope our New Years cards made it across the miles to your homes, we want you to know that as we wrote out the addresses, stuffed the envelopes and stuck on the stamps we thought of each and every one of you, our relationships and friendships, laughed over precious memories, and prayed for your families. A New Year is always such a fresh beginning, maybe the closing of the doors to a tough year, or just the start of a new one with new goals and plans and hopes.

2012 was a challenging year for our family, as most of you know I lost my dad on May 12th and our entire family along with close friends have been grieving his absence in our lives. I had such a close relationship and special bond with my dad, since he passed away I have experienced the most heart wrenching moments of my life. Many days I have felt frozen in time, as if the world around you just keeps on going like nothing ever happened while I am standing here with my world turned upside down. My daughters’ precious ‘Grampy’ ripped away from their tiny little arms at just 1 and 2 years old, I always thought that he would be with us long after their high school proms and college graduations. Like the old saying, the only two things guaranteed in this life are death and taxes. Not to make light of something that seems so dark but I have realized that death is a part of life, just as the sun rising, birthdays passing, children growing up and years flying by. I take great comfort in knowing we will all see my dad again in eternal paradise!

This photo was taken Christmas 2012, the last Christmas spent with my dad.

God has taught us such a powerful life lesson as a result of this difficult process, that experiencing such pain after his death is such a huge testimony to the great love that both he had for us and we had for him. If anyone knew how to love and love well it was my dad. He loved so patiently and purely and lived his life so fully and intentionally.  I can only hope to remind our girls of how great of a man he was by the way that I love them. I know that God has given all of us the gift of being able to love one another as the tiniest glimpse into what His amazing and unending love is for us.

God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

2012 was also filled with more blessings than we can count!

Our 2012 top 5:

1. The girls celebrated their 1st and 3rd birthdays

2. Mike’s business continued to grow in 2012 with the addition of a 4th photobooth

3. We celebrated 4 years of being married and not killing each other

4. We were baptized together in September at our church and have both been involved in ministry and bible study/discipleship

5. We both turned the big 3-0! (yes, we are old!)

Olivia and Gianna are such happy and healthy little girls. Olivia is now in a private Christian preschool and is learning new things every day. Her vocabulary blows us away most days and her sense of humor keeps us laughing constantly. She knows her ABC’s, days of the week, can count to 30, knows more songs than her dad and I combined, still despises food unless its coated with chocolate and loves watching Tangled. Gianna has developed quite a personality over the year, she is not afraid to stand up to her big sister, is starting to put together small sentences, loves to dance and color, and her favorite phrase at the moment is “stop it!”

There is never a dull moment in our house I tell ya! We are so incredibly thankful for the gifts of two perfect children that God has given us, we could not be more blessed!

Thank you for taking the time to check in with our little family, we are continuing to pray for your health, happiness and faith in 2013. Look around a bit to read other randoms about our family and check in throughout the year for more updates :)

All our love,

The Fazio’s

I was a little hesitant since we are fairly new at being connected and involved with the church and I honestly only really knew 1 girl that was going to be in my cabin, a few of the girls I had met at a bunco party I went to a few months ago, and a sweet new friend Jodi who would be in a different cabin but we had planned to meet up. A womens retreat sounded way out of my comfort zone but I oblidged after a couple glasses of wine at bunco and hearing the girls talk about how amazing last years retreat was. I am so glad I did! I was so blessed by the women I met, the stories that were shared, hearing their hearts, seriously it was great!

The retreat is at a camp in the middle of a forrest pretty much, its called Lost Canyons and its a Young Life camp. Young Life is an awesome Christian organization whose mission is to reach out to adolescents who may not know the good news of the Gospel in really fun ways. The staff that works the retreats are all Young Life kids who want to go to camp with their own age group and so through working (cooking, cleaning, dishes, etc) they in turn get to go. It was really amazing to be served but these sweet young kids who are really on fire for God!

The speaker at the retreat was CJ Rapp, she has such a gift of relating to women and speaking Gods truths, LOVED her! The theme for the weekend was ‘Never Alone’ and so many things just really struck a cord within me and I know so many of the women I was with. I was so thankful to feel a part of a community of wonderful ladies and made some great new friends.

Interestingly enough, my memory verse for the week of the retreat was Psalm 23:1-3

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His names sake.

So blessed to come home with a restore soul and rested body!

My-oh-my little girl, seriously I cant believe how much you have grown these last 2 months!! You are quite the little energizer bunny, your attitude has made a HUGE appearance at 18 months, your like a completely different kid!

At 18 months you are:

-Wearing 24 months/2T clothes-size 5 Diapers-size 6 shoes

-Becoming a challenge at bedtime, all you want to do is play and dance and sing in your crib!

-Have started hitting and will hit anything and everything, or anyone and everyone. Not sure where you got this from since your sister doesnt hit but you sure show your ownry self throughout the day, especially if we dont give you what you want! My favorite is when you hit the wall or couch or any object you can reach

-Learning about time outs and seem to go in quite a few every day. Honestly its challenging for us to keep a straight face because you sit there and look up at us with the sweetest most innocent faces we have ever seen. Daddy does way better keeping a serious face, I cant help it, it just melts me!

-Are really expanding your vocabulary. You say most anything we tell you to say but on your own say: mama, daddy, juice, milk, baba, eat, up, no, please, sorry, woof-woof, mooo, meow, yes, sissy and a few others

-Exploring the world around you by throwing and getting into everything, we cant take our eyes off of you!

-Pretend you can sing but really just hum songs like ABC’s and twinkle twinkle

-Are in daycare 2 days/week with your sister and they just love you there

-Are boycotting food and just throw whatever we put on your tray down. Such a bummer since you were my one good eater :(

-Have so much personality some days I think you are going to over-power your sister, thats saying a lot!

-Are so friendly and will let anyone hold you

-Are still such a cuddle bug

-Love bathtime but have learned to escape from the tub and you laugh hysterically while running around naked and dripping wet!

-Have the nickname “G” thanks to your daddy who thinks all our children should have one letter nicknames

-Are so sweet and loving and funny and crazy all at the same time, we couldnt imagine life without you!

I love you so much baby girl. Every day I am just so in awe of the blessings God has poured out onto me with you and your sister. I know I may not be perfect but God created you both so perfectly for me and I could not imagine it any different.

I love you to the moon and back,

Momma

The many faces of Gianna:

Halloween this year has come and gone and it was so much fun! We had Grandma Suzanne here for the week with Asher and on Halloween we set up the house with the photobooth for the 3rd year in a row and had tons of fun with neighbors that we have met in the years prior. Grandma Goofy and Papa came along with Auntie Bug and Uncle Haris (aka Gangnum Style) and our awesome friends Auntie Erin and Uncle Kyle. We are so blessed to have such happy healthy kids and loving family and friends to enjoy holidays like these with.

I am not going to lie, I was apprehensive about the holiday because its the first big one without my dad. I just imagined him being there (or watching down) and how big his smile must have been. His grandkids were his pride and joy and I know he was watching down on them with that sparkle in his eye that day. I sucked it up though and enjoyed every moment. The kids enjoyed some pumpkin painting, long naps with grandma, a yummy dinner of spaghetti and of course plenty of sweets to go around. Olivia really got it this year and loved walking house to house to ask (mostly) politely for candy. Gianna happily trotted along and ate any candy anyone gave her and Asher just liked being a “piwate.”

Now onto Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Its so fun as the kids get older to have them participate and really understand and enjoy these fun days of celebration, I know some of my best memories as a kid are of holidays and the traditions my family worked so hard to keep!

It just feels too overwhelming most days.

I am not blaming it on the death of my dad, I would never want to make my dad (or family) feel like his death is what has caused this weight on my shoulders, ache in my heart, fog in my sight.

This feeling like I am stuck in sinking sand and cant make my way out.

I really am not sure what it is.

I feel like there is always something new, a new loss or tragedy.

In March my uncle was diagnosed with Lymphoma and is still battling this horrible disease.

April 15th my dad and mother-in-law both went to the ER at exactly the same time, him for what seemed like no big deal that eventually ended his life, and hers an ankle injury that she is still struggling with.

In May a dear family friend sadly lost her battle to cancer.

May 12th I held my dads hand for the very last time as he went to be with the Lord.

June my boss, fellow nurse, mentor, and friend was let go after working side by side with her the last 4 years.

In September our dear neighbors who we loved and adored, who had 2 daughters the same age as ours moved.

Two weeks ago a dear friend of my sisters lost her 9 year old daughter.

Last week a sweet couple from church who was in the process of adopting a baby from a young, un-wed mother learned that the baby had died. She would have been born later this month.

This week a close friend of my parents is fighting for his life in the ICU.

Last night my husbands cousin who has been battling addiction for years flew out of state to a rehab for the help and detox he needs. How we wish we would have known his struggles sooner, we would have reached out a little more.

Last night a dear friends son who is the same age as Gianna choked so severely he had to be air lifted to a children’s hospital and went through urgent surgery and is on life support.

I know God is there, I know He is in control, I know He is bigger than our problems but sometimes when it just feels like one thing after another you cant help but to let it get you down.

I remind myself daily of the personal covenant I made: I will not let someone else’s crisis become my own.

If I do, it takes away from my ability to pray for and support them. Its so easy to take the burdens and weight of the problems or sadness or struggles others are going through. Its so easy to get sucked in and let it consume you.

Daily I have to say “God is it, He is my number one, He is the sustainer and giver of life, He is in control, His will (not mine) be done.”

Every single day.

It may not always be fun, they may not always play nice, but at the end of the day they really do love each other and I am one proud momma!