bring bud ice cream. he just sat on the little potty long enough to poop there. i’m so thrilled you are lucky i’m not taking a photo and sending it to you.

Then you blog about it.

My spinning is improving!

I bought this

from Maude and Me

And spun half of it into this

For more Fiber Arts Friday see Alpaca Farmgirl.

.

I’ve seen it. I’ve smelled it. I went to college and drove used cars from the financial gain of it.

.

I’ve seen people of all ages after they die. People I have never met. People I would never have known about, had they not been laying in, essentially, the downstairs of my house.

.

I’ve seen my great-grandmother, both grandfathers, a grandmother, and my father all after they died. Most before they were all “prettified” for viewing. I’ve watched the ashes of a friend’s father be poured into the ground – held my breath because I was terrified of inhaling a puff of Richard. I’ve seen clients I’d grown to love – age 9 and age 79. The wooden urn holding a sorority sister being carried out of the church.

.
Three of my closest friends were plowed into by a drunk driver* – -broken bones, faces, shouldn’t have survived, and they did. That was the first time I truly realized I was not immortal. Innocence was lost that morning when I heard the news.

.
Anniversary dates are rough. The span of March 29 through April 6 was just designated ‘teh suck’ because that whole stretch of time marked a collection of days that stole pieces of innocence.

.
Six months ago – exactly six months ago right now, I sat on Skype with my girls and we celebrated April 7. Celebrated the end of the suck and the beginning of a new year.

.
Shortly after nine am on April 8th, I learned that April 7th was in no way the end of the suck.

.
It was the end of innocence. The beginning of the rest of my life with the blinders off. The beginning of me watching Alex a little more closely – Praying a little more often for his safety …  because I’ve seen it up close – I’ve seen … I see …

.
In the last six months, I’ve noticed my temper flaring less often. Because srsly? Perspective? I can haz it.

.
The loss of innocence brought a loss of fear as well. A balance of “you wanna mess with me punk? do ya?” and “doesn’t matter if I worry, sometimes I’m just helpless”.

.
The loss of innocence brought the beginning of me learning to love my friends out loud. Partially because we’ve tightened our arms around each other these last few months. Partially because DAMN sisters – I want you on MY side. (You know who you are – I’m not naming names.)

.
I turned my blog purple on April 7th. I’ve gradually faded the purple out to a less in your face kind of purple. It’s still in the header – but it’s letting new colors in. Over on the sidebar – that’s my Maddie place. It links to my Maddie posts. I’m keeping her here, I’m just making room at the table for the little girl who is coming into our community

.

.

###

.

As an aside – to my troll – you aren’t wanted or welcome here. Go away. You don’t belong here.

.

*Jennifer – this was the wreck in Sep 1995 in Springfield out on Battlefield by the theater

I finally realized I needed to, uh, ply? it with another strand so it could puff out and be the soft awesome that I knew it really wanted to be.

I used some cashmere from Jags Funky Fibers (August Phat Fiber Box) to improve what I had spun.

[disclosure. i have a book on spinning. i can't find it. and i'm stubborn. it's like i'm tormenting myself for not being able to find the book by making myself learn without it.]

I had also won a bag of angora fiber from Wool and Wings Farm. Now, keep in mind my disclaimer. Now combine that disclaimer with the only actual spinning equipment I have is the drop spindle.

I am so impatient.

Kinda.

I used a fine tooth comb and gently teased the fluffy angora into a long snake of fiber. I spun it and then combined it with a sample of pink English Angora handspun from Blumzie Luxury Yarns.

I had played and played with this sample of Blumzie’s from the August Phat Fiber box and I could NOT figure out what to do with it. Other than bury my face in the puff of it while it sat by my computer.

I decided to knit up this strange yarn concoction in a washcloth pattern. Not that I plan to use it for a washcloth, but I find that washcloth patterns make nice little samplers. I don’t really know what this is going to become, but for now I’m happy to have my first attempts of hand spinning on the needles for me to pet.

The full experiment.

Closeup – the fawn is from MY alpaca Hope (She lives at Katy’s.) and the rose grey is from Pink Cyclone who was another of Katy’s alpacas. Both are spun with the cashmere from Jags.

The part actually on the needle is the angora I spun with the angora from Blumzie’s.

I’m pretty sure this is one of those projects only the creator could love – but just in case, if you click the photos they should enlarge nicely so you can get a feel for the fuzzy fuzzy awesome.

Want more? Check out Fiber Arts Friday.

The detail is from Mama Jude’s Plant Dyed Stuff and the base is from my Shadysidefarmstudio stash.

Tiny afghan (made 2) using Autumn Harvest from The Spinning Sheep, some Cherry/Strawberry themed from my8kidsmom and some yellow from my Shadysidefarmstudio stash.

(Quick story – my grandpa made me a dollhouse and furniture, my mom and grandma made all the bedding – but this bed never had any covers – fixed that!)

Detail is Carmel Apple Handspun from Fiber Fancy and again the base from my Shadysidefarmstudio stash.

Accent is Prize winning goldfish from Carly Original, base is a two strand combo of Shadysidefarmstudio stash and orange from Larkspur Funny Farm. I crocheted the flower detail – which is something I’d never tried before, but I really wanted to show off the goldfish yarn.

(forgive the photos, meant to crop myself out but got lazy)

More Fiber Arts Friday at Alpaca Farmgirl.

They drop the box once a month – and I had no idea how popular it was. At the 5pm (Eastern) drop, I was there waiting and refreshing. When the items popped up in the store, I selected, picked my address, checked out, went to paypal to pay, paid, clicked back to etsy and 1/3 of the items were gone. I clicked refresh and 2/3 of the items were gone. I clicked refresh and they were ALL gone – sold out in 90 seconds. Amazing.

One of my favorite things about knitting is having something small and needing to be creative on how to “make it work” The sample of handspun yarn from Northstar Alpacas “spoke” to me. I decided it would be a great stripe on a hat, I took it upstairs and found the yarn to use for the base color that made me happy – (from Larkspur Funny Farm).

I made it up as I went along and I really do love the Northstar Yarn.

I think my goal is to use this box for hats for Comfed Out Kaiser for the winter – I like the idea of using the samples as inspiration.

Next up – This superfine merino yarn from By Rebekah With Love – I usually don’t love merino – but this is *so soft* Like alpaca/bunny smackdown quality soft.

edited: so I was going to have this hat done in time for next week – uh – weather sucked today and I had a headache so I went for it. The color of the awesome Candy Apple doesn’t show as well here, but I’m overall pleased with the hat. I used the superfine merino yarn from By Rebekah With Love and then two yarns from Shady Side Farm Studio.

(more fiber arts at alpacafarmgirl)

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

“I was sexually abused. How I hate typing those words. But they have been in my mind forever, swirling around, hiding at times, but it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s always there.”

The words surrounding your experience and your life continued. They overlapped your initial words, until those words were almost forgotten under the layers of your current fears and challenges. You talked of how you coped, how you resisted touch, avoided nakedness, slept partially on guard and ready to flee. I focused on the *now* and it blurred your initial words. I believe these words to be true. I believe these words to be the truest words you ever wrote.

“I was sexually abused. How I hate typing those words. But they have been in my mind forever, swirling around, hiding at times . . .”

I do not believe that you shower in a bathing suit (have seen a photo of you standing outside in a towel, labeled “just got out of the shower”). I do not believe you sleep in sneakers (have never seen you in sneakers, period). I don’t believe you helped pull people from a burning car (there are no reports of a car fire and airlift in the news of the small town near where the event “happened”).

“I was sexually abused. How I hate typing those words. But they have been in my mind forever, swirling around . . .”

I believe you when you wrote

“I was sexually abused. How I hate typing those words. But they have been in my mind forever . . .”

I am angry that the next time I hear a survivor of abuse share his or her story, that I will have a seed of doubt when they share of their fear, of how that experience may continue to break them. I am angry at you, that because of embellishing your own story, you have cast doubt on every. single. fellow abuse survivor.

“I was sexually abused. How I hate typing those words.”

These words are your truth. Clear away all the other stories, all the other lies, all the other embellishments. The truth is ENOUGH. The truth is too much, it is plenty, it is bad enough, it is enough to merit you asking for help. You never needed to add all the other STUFF.

“I was sexually abused.”

Focus on those words. The true words. The four words that say everything. The four words that are so huge, that I understand you throwing other words in front of them to hide them from view. Face them. Deal with them. Move forward. You were always enough. Your truth was always enough. You never needed the rest of the words.

“I was sexually abused.”

Stop hiding from those words.

I have found the Kaiser Mommy method of finding conference sponsorship to be 100% effective. I thought about asking people to pay me for my knowledge but then decided that was snatchy and counterproductive and wouldn’t help the community as a whole, so for you, free of charge, The Kaiser Mommy Method of Conference Sponsorship.

Before you sit to read, please find three containers – bowls, ziplock bags, shoe box, mr potato head…. whatever. As long as there are three of them. And get something to write with.

1. Conference ticket sponsorship: Early bird registration pricing of $202.95 (including eventbrite fees) closes on February 28th – 30 weeks from now. $6.77 cents each week from now until then. I choose one of my three containers now and write “Conference Ticket Sponsorship” on it. This is the time to raid the money stashes, the spare change. The couch cushions, coat pockets, bottom of purse (sadly lint is non negotiable. Oh if it had cash value I would be oh so rich.) That took care of about four dollars AND I found a pair of earrings I was looking for. From now until 2/28, any time I get change back or run across change, it will go in the Conference Ticket box. When I go to the grocery store I will pass up 2 impluse purchases (candy bar, magazine, drink, muffin, 14th bottle of lotion) and I will throw that money into the box. I fully admit, we are not on a particularly tight budget, be we do try to watch what we spend. I will do this until I hit that magic $202.95, then buy my ticket. And put a sticker over an old conference button that says “Conference Ticket Sponsored by ME!”

2. Lodging. Label that second container. The Hilton is $199.99 each night, I assume with taxes it is $250/night. $250/night for 3 nights is $750. Divided by 4 people in a room – $187.50. For the 22 weeks from 2/28 (When the conference ticket is paid for.) Till August 1st, I need to save $8.52 each week. Dammit. I was hoping it would be less. So same routine as above – but I have to forego even more impulse purchases at the grocery store. I can do it though. While I’m NOT buying things I can look for 3 roommates. And make a sign to hang on my hotel door that says “Hotel lodging Sponsored by ME!”

3. Travel. Third container out. Third container labeled. Get an idea of how much to spend: Check flight prices (I like kayak.com), train prices (amtrak.com), bus prices (greyhound.com) and carpool prices. As a backup plan, find 2 other people to carpool with and be ready to do the BlogHer roadtrip next year, I wouldn’t PLAN on it, but it would rawk to have no travel costs, but gotta have that cash on hand for travel if needed. To my delight and shock I can fly to NYC for about 300*. Back to saving. 300 dollars, 52 weeks – $5.77 each week. Perhaps if I just eat a side salad or appetizer each time we go out to eat? Skipping that entree… Or not getting Alex a kids meal and having him eat off our plates (He’s two, that’s still acceptable at restaurants.) That could work. Then I can wear another button, “Travel sponsored by ME”

* Flights to NYC: Edmonton – 707; Vancouver – 502; SanFrancisco, Seattle – under 400; Houston, Phoenix – 350; Cinci – under 300; Miami; Kansas City, Minneapolis, LA – 250; St. Louis, Dallas, Denver – under 250; Chicago, DC – under 200

Another way I could sponsor myself to BlogHer 10 that uses less math – get 1 envelope, label it BlogHer -10 and one day each week put a 20 dollar bill into it, and just make myself make the adjustments in my weekly spending because that money simply wouldn’t be available.

For me – it looks like for 691 dollars I can sponsor myself to BlogHer 10. I can spend the weekend on my own schedule, without needing to worry about working for someone else through the weekend. For $13.28 each week from now until BlogHer ‘10 ($1.89 each day) – I can sponsor myself to go to BlogHer 10. When I break it down like that? No worries. Totally doable.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password: