Alias: Palisade

Game Review: Secrets of Me

2017-10-19T11:38:00.000-04:00

Dogenzaka Labs warning: I love these games, but they are very trashy, and in some cases sexually explicit. Don't walk into them expecting a literary masterpiece.

Link to game on steam: Secrets of Me on Steam
Link to game in the app store: Secrets of Me on Google Play
You Apple folks are on your own, I don't know shit about Apple.

For anyone who is unaware, otome games are essentially visual novels that are tailored towards women. That means that you can expect 3 things: you can expect a plot, you can expect romance, and you can expect implied physical affection. Since the stable "otome games" can house a fairly diverse herd of products (I'm so proud of that metaphor), the actual implied physical affection piece ranges anywhere from "and then they hugged" to "he ran his hands up my thigh and I felt a jolt of electricity run through me". Secrets of Me (and, in fact, all of the Dogenzaka Labs games) tends towards the latter.

Fair warning: I'm probably going about this in the wrong way, because Secrets of Me is easily my favorite Dogenzaka Labs game. I imagine that there's some sort of marketing secret, where you don't introduce your audience to the best product first, in order to keep them from being disappointed with the later offerings. On the other hand, I'm not involved in marketing this game, so I don't give a fuck. Sorry, Dogenzaka Labs.

Secrets of Me follows the exploits of a young lady who, after a lifetime of being overweight and extremely plain, decides to use all the money she saved up from not dating to get extensive plastic surgery. She's now one of the beautiful people, and fit to be engaged to a beautiful man who she apparently agreed to marry prior to the opening of the game. The only problem is that she doesn't seem to know much more about him besides his name. Solution? Stalking! The problem? The thing she finds out is that he's actually a scam artist who is no longer interested in her now that she's used all her money. Oh no!

If all that seems confusing, don't worry--it's just the prologue. If all of that sounds an awful lot like the plot of a soap opera, congratulations--you know what you're getting into. Secrets of Me is basically a visual novel version of a Korean soap opera. It's a Japanese made game, but I don't watch Japanese soap operas, so you'll have to live with the comparison.

After the prologue, you as the player are given a choice of 5 different guys that you can romance (don't worry, the scummy ex-fiance isn't one of them). You briefly meet all of them in the prologue, but in the interest of brevity I didn't list that part. The 5 romances are extremely diverse, and have a little something for everyone--because of this though, I found that they ranged from "extremely fun and good" to "Ok, I guess". Everyone's opinion on which story fits where on that scale is going to be a little different.

I want to mention one of my favorite things about this game: the main character is absolutely adorable. She's an adult, but she's extremely naive and has no experience with romance or men in general (but in a very narrative appropriate way). She's spunky and a bit stubborn, and falls in love very easily. She can also be kind of creepy (I'll get to that in a moment) but it always comes off as being a product of her innocence. She's just sweet and endearing. I love her.

This game itself has two separate gimmicks: one is that our main character stalks each of her potential lovers (I did warn you), and the other is that the lovers in question are all involved in relationships. As I mentioned, the stalking itself never crosses the line into being genuinely uncomfortable, and each guy more or less consents to it in a fashion (I can't explain it any better than that). In fact, the game constantly uses the word stalking, but I really hesitate to even describe a lot of her actions in that way. As far as the existing relationships thing goes, it's as expected for a soap opera-esque game. Since none of the existing relationships are good or healthy, it's okay for the main character to proceed. She does feel guilty though.

For some of the downsides: the art is... passable, but not exactly brilliant. The translation is pretty good (I laughed at several well written jokes/scenes) but is still a bit sketchy in parts. There are also a couple of places where something happened and two sentences are outright mashed together. However, I enjoyed my overall experience with each story so much that those translation issues never bothered me.

As far as the guys go? Well, like I alluded to, there's something for everyone. My personal favorite is the brilliant doctor with a wicked sense of humor, swiftly followed by the guy who used to bully the main character in high school (or did he?????). My least favorite is the rich guy, as that's the only story that pretty much proceeds exactly like you think it's going to.

Final verdict? Secrets of Me is the only Dogenzaka Labs game that I can, in good conscience, recommend that you buy at full price. Do it.

Oh

2017-10-19T09:42:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated this blog in over 2 years.

I'm not even sure what to do with it anymore, though I am pleased to note that I can go back to some of my old entries and still feel a small amount of joy over the writing. I like to imagine that to be the goal of most writers. I'm not one, but still.

I gave up writing after losing what little confidence I had in my abilities, but recently I decided to get back into it. I've put together a story outline, and we'll see how far I get. But I've made up my mind to do it as a NaNo piece, so I'm trying to hold off on actually writing anything for that specifically until November.

What should I do until then? Hmmmm. I was going to play a horror game again this month, but I've gotten trapped in the world of trashy romance (visual novel) games. Should I write about those? I don't really have a following anymore, so I can't exactly poll the crowd. I guess I'm just thinking out loud, so to speak.

I'll think about it.

Silent Hill: Homecoming Roundup

2015-05-13T22:40:00.000-04:00

I decided to do a master post of all the Silent Hill: Homecoming posts. You're welcome, the absolutely nobody who still reads this blog.
________________

Hey cats and kits, what's happening? A lot's been going on here, none of which is particularly interesting.

What is interesting is that it's October! And in October, I brave the forces of my extremely wimpy nature and play a horror game. This year I've chosen Silent Hill: Homecoming, and as a change of pace, I will write up a nice, slightly muddled post about the story. Think of it as cliff notes for weird games.
Until that time, I'm going to post a list of notes and thoughts that I've jotted down while playing the game. Warning: they may not all make sense, even IN context.
~~

Starts in a creepy hospital. Voice acting is surprisingly good.
We're going to take this guy and experiment on him. Better give him a torch.
OH GOD CEILING CORPSE
Why is the mirror bleeding? Well, there's a knife in it, obviously.
Hell waited until I had a weapon before opening a portal. That's considerate.
OUT OF NOWHERE A WHEELCHAIR
Stab a door open. It's a spine. Except then it becomes a fleshy open portal with teeth.
Here's the thing, repressed sexual aggression was James' problem. Why is this soldier trying to find his brother being plagued by sexual metaphors.
I should probably watch the opening cinematic.
There was a bug on my face and I couldn't tell.
But thanks for letting me know I got an achievement there, xbox.
Couldn't decide if i wanted to go down the hallway or through the door. Turns out the hallway just had an achievement.
How do you feel about beating up a bunch of women, soldier? Do you feel like a man?
Creepy boy has asked me for a toy. Yeah kid, I'll get your devil toy for you.
A toy was just pulled through a gaping, bleeding gash. Really?
...really?
And I have to stick my hand in it! I get attacked, of course.
VAGINAS ARE NOT THAT SCARY, YOU GUYS
This torch is shit. Who the hell made this torch? I want to complain to the manager.
Somebody get hell's manager, I need to complain about this torch.
I get it, 100 doors I can't open is very spooky. It also means I can't find my way so that I get lots and lots of time to listen to your foley man try to scare the piss out of me.
IT'S WORKING BY THE WAY
AW JESUS KID DON'T RUN AWAY AGAIN man fuck you.
I really need to watch the opening cinematic.
WHATWHATWHAT THE FUCK
it was a dream. He was dreaming.
Oh shit, this IS the opening cinematic.
EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME WAS THE BIT BEFORE THE OPENING CINEMATIC.
"Good luck, soldier." says the creepy truck driver. He failed to add "Hope we can do that again some time" while looking wistful.
Gay jokes! Always funny.
So in the dream of hell that I had I picked up a knife, a first aid kit, and a health drink. I started, for some reason, with a radio and a torch.Back in the real world, I have everything except the torch and the radio. O... kay then.
I guess that torch was recalled for being shite.
All the doors in this town are broken. A proper locksmith could make a killing.
OH GOD THE FACIAL ANIMATIONS ARE THEY DEMONS FROM HELL OH GOD
THAT'S NOT A JUDGE THAT'S A SUCCUBUS TAKEN HUMAN FORM KILL HER BEFORE SHE BURSTS FROM HER HUMAN SHELL
I'm back home. Looks like nobody's mowed the lawn in a while. I bet I'll get bitched out about that.
His jacket is a camo jacket.
SIGH
A lone chair parked in the middle of the living room. I'm sure mom doesn't rock in it while she stares at the wall and mutters. That would be crazy!
An army of grandmas lives in this house.
The doilies! The doilies of DOOM.
Konami, take note: Next game should have a hell demon that is based off a doily.
I'm calling it: the soldier isn't real, he's a figment of the creepy kid's imagination. He is a manifestation of the kid's desire to please his father,who is a former soldier.
CALLING. IT.
Oh good, it's the shite flashlight again. It's like an old friend.
Mom went to the Torgo school of acting.
"I had this dream. I just have a feeling he's in trouble. Don't worry about it." COMFORT SON WINS AGAIN.
New zombie model! He has a vagina face. I AM FORCED YET AGAIN TO REITERATE THAT LADIES ARE NOT THAT SCARY.
To get into the spirit of things, I have pushed over a dress form. Take that, women.
______________________

Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination. Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind. Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetery. This day just gets better and better.
Hello ~~fanservice~~ devil dogs!
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he? Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father. If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetery. Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway? I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date. Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetery is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetery. Depressing.
Thought for later: cemeteries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETERY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua. Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'. Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend. Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie. Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex. False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here. I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs. Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex. You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what? I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training. Impress me.
"Hello?" Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetery?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill. It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open. Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice. She seems nice. I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider. And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game. We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
_________________________

It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming. I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses. Bitches.
Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.
"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.
Must be that military training.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.
I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.
WITH BULLETS
You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.
SAVE POINT SAVE POINT
oh man save point, will you marry me? Ours is a pure, wholesome love.
So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks. Uh, really?
Can't a former marine get some love?
What's behind mystery door number 3?!
It's Josh. Fucking brat.
So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?
The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.
"I wonder what I've fallen into?" I-it's a dining room, Alex. There are chairs and tables and plates. Okay? It is clearly a dining room.
Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?
That's Mayor Bartlett?
Huh.
Oh, oops. Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.
Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.
This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?
Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.
I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole. Huh. Wonder what that symbolizes.
OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?
hurr durr hurr
Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.
Twat. Twat. Idiot. Useless twat.
I woke up in a jail cell. In walks a racist caricature. YAY.
The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature. YAY.
Uh, sir? There's a giant bloodstain on the floor? Sir?
...
YAY.
I have no weapons. There's growling. Oh god. Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.
We have to stop meeting like this, save point.
And start meeting like THIS.
Racist caricature died pretty quickly. Ah well. We hardly knew ye.
New creatures! The achievement I get is Split Personality. DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.
________________________

So in my last play through the split face monsters--who, thankfully, don't look like vaginas--swarmed around me and beat me up and called me several unflattering names. It's now a month later. Have the wounds healed enough?
I think I've purposely forgotten how to play this game.
So these monsters can rip me in half. I'm actually impressed by that.
Run run run run RUN
The feeling of terror inspired by a creepy atmosphere and terrifying imagery has been replaced by the feeling of terror inspired by the fear that I'm going to die and have to redo this frankly impossible section. Those two are basically the same thing, right?
Mini-boss time! It's a giant lumbering mish-mash of random body parts. When you kill it, you get an achievement called "Shades of James". Ha-ha!
Oooooh man, it's funny when developers attempt to improve their shitty game by constantly referencing superior games.
Now annoying ex-girlfriend is with me. She has a gun, right? Or a knife? She's capable of defending herself. This isn't a escort mission, right?
Okay, now she's cowering. This doesn't bode well.
Has anyone played Half-Life 2? Do you remember Alyx Vance, who will kill the zombies for you as you shine your torch on them? Annoying ex-girlfriend in this game does something similar. If the zombies attack her--and they do--then she'll cower helplessly and whimper. Yay!
Do not think I won't just leave this bitch to die.
Also, she's carrying around a stack of missing persons flyers. You know what? In a town overrun by hell, I'm not sure the missing people would be my first concern.
I wonder where the people are! Well, taken away by the hell demons, I imagine. Speaking of which, what's up with that?
There's a hole in the wall with dead people sticking out of it. I understand that this is creepy, but it looks like someone was attempting to excavate dead people from the walls.
Maybe I've been playing too much minecraft.
"Oooooh, nice vein of dead people right here. Anybody bring an iron pickaxe?"
I had to leave her and go find another gate to go through. I bet she's tweeting about it right now.
"N the sewers lol hop I dun die :))))"
Alex, every time you grunt like an ape when you're just stepping up a small incline, a nearby hell-beast has an orgasm.
Did the army teach you to make so much noise all the damn time, you lumbering hippo?
I just restarted a section because I didn't use my bullets effectively. See, this is engaging gameplay!
Spider monster out of nowhere! That was genuinely scary, I jumped and everything!
Can it be? Is the game redeeming itself in the sewer level?
A giant, placid, grey, underground lake. Worrisome.
If this game ends up becoming really good, then what will I do?
The only monster that's getting tossed at me are the spider monsters, which are difficult but not impossible. I am feeling a warmth in my black heart.
A giant crypt room with holes in the walls. Ominous.
And annoying ex-girlfriend gets stuck in a room by herself again. Idiot.
You know what? I'm going to let that one go, game. It's a perfectly reasonable move to make to seperate characters, and it projects the fact that there's probably a battle coming up. Okay? But only this once.
THREE SPIDERS YOU ASSHOLE WHAT?
Hahahaha, it turns out that they can't reach me if I stand on the derelict car. I'm the king of the world!
Wait, false alarm. Still Alex.
And they topped it off with one of those body creatures, who still can't reach me on the car. Hahahahahaha!
Growing out the back of this creature is a pair of lady's legs. Are they... are they wearing ballet shoes?
Oh god, I think they are.
I'm in the post-hell invasion landscape of this ruined town, and I still can't bring myself to walk anywhere but the sidewalk.
I'm such a good citizen.
This also means I've emerged from the sewers. Will the game continue it's not that bad streak?
HEEEEEEEEEEEY racist caricature is still alive! HEEEEEEEY and annoying ex-girlfriend has been dragged off by demons! Looks like the good streak continues.
It's the mysterious Doctor Finch! Dripping blood and limping along. That seems reasonable.
Alex sees that the doctor is carrying a rusty scalpel and is covered in blood. He naturally assumes that the doctor has hurt his ex-girlfriend. In a town filled with demons?
Alex isn't the brightest bulb in the box.
One, two, three, four, five sexy nurses! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck you game.
I used all my bullets for the sexy nurses.
What just happened?
He opens a box, finds a doll, and faints.
Oh, and now we're in hell.
And theeeeere's Josh. I'm starting to notice a trend in this game.
So I'm in a hospital, in hell. Gosh, that seems familiar.
Also this game's version of hell seems more like a smelting factory.
The demons make cross beams for high-rises. When they're not invading sleepy Pennsylvania towns, they have a quota to reach.
Playing this level makes me realize something: Somebody has watched the Silent Hill movie.
At any moment I'll pass by a window. Through it I will see Sean Bean sitting at a table, drinking a coffee. He'll look up, wave, and turn into Pyramid Head.
That's when the dancing starts.
Josh running away from me in hell count: 3.
Even the most dedicated brother would shoot him at this point.
Just in the back of the leg, you know? Slow him down a little.
You're really not changing my opinion of the whole smelting thing here, game.
Satan's the foreman. He'll shout at me over the din of the machinery.
"Ain't seen no kids around here, son. You best be off, now."
Satan is a good foreman. Tough, but fair.
He pushes his hard hat back on his head as a quivering vagina monster with teeth slinks by in the background.
The vagina monster's on break. Don't worry.
"The exit?" he says, surprised "It's just past the puzzle with the rusted fans, through the door that screams while you cut it open."
#NaNoWriMo2011
Josh running away from me in hell count: 4
In case it isn't obvious, absolutely nothing is happening in this game right now.
I spoke too soon.
Doctor Fitch is kneeling in an empty room, cutting himself. I offer to patch him up. "I don't want your help!" he hisses "These wounds cannot heal."
You know what? I laughed at that.
Oh shit!
That's gonna leave a mark.
Boss battle! So each boss is the hellish representation of a child of one of the prominent townsfolk, right? This one is a demon doll. The daughter loved dolls. Do you get it?
Subtle.
I really have to watch this cutscene multiple times just so I can get to the boss that keeps killing me. I may never be able to look a pair of boxer briefs in the eye again.
Y-you know what I mean.
DIE BITCH
AAAAAAAAAAAUGH
I finished the boss battle with literally the minimum required amount of health left. Time to run away from everything.
Run away! Run away! Run away!
AAAAAH SAVE POINT
I died immediately after saving, and when I restarted I was given half my life back. Thanks, game. I guess you don't have to suck all of my balls.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this a cult thing?
I found a ceremonial knife and some ancient texts. This is a cult thing, isn't it?
Something about asking forgiveness from the city founders. I have never been so into a city that I've been willing to join a devil cult over it.
Maybe I'm missing a lot by not attending the city council meetings.
"Next on our agenda is the issue of who gets to preside over the virgin sacrifice."
Vote Paul Smith for mayor, and he won't have your children ripped to pieces by monsters.
I made my way through a maze that ended in a sparse office underneath a tomb. Life has gotta suck for that secretary.
"Oh, you know, the pay is good, but I come home every day smelling like corpses."
"And then I woke up last night and the cat was trying to eat my face."
"...of course, he's a cat so it's hard to tell if that's abnormal."
I'm just casually running past all the monsters now.
"Morning smog monster!" "Morning Alex! How's the family?" "Still dead!"
And I'm back in the cemetery. Brilliant. I'm going to need a beer for this.
I've finally made it back home. Mom is still sitting in that chair. The game won't let me shoot her.
All of the hidden doors in this series are covered by empty bookshelves. I guess cultists all use the same interior designers.
I can't avoid saying it any longer. Everyone in this game has chiclet teeth.
Fuck you game, a sliding puzzle?
Fuuuuuuck yooooooh wait I solved it.
Huh.
So mom was kidnapped by gasmask wearing dudes. As they were trying to leave the house, we entered hell.
I've never actually seen anyone besides the protagonist enter hell before.
They looked pretty pissed about it too.
My house has turned into a hell foundry.
The secret to what happens after we die is that we all become blue-collar workers.
AIEEEEE
That is a pretty elaborate hell chandelier, actually.
Forget the puzzles, I'm really digging that chandelier. Very post-industrial modern.
I mean, you wouldn't want to hang it just anywhere. It would have to be a really open space, for one.
Oh, right, Silent Hill.
Great. Of all the puzzle houses, mine has to be the worst.
Hehehe, that monster was stabbed in the butt.
There's a lot of vaguely sinister writing on the walls in hell. I wonder if some demon has that job.
"Okay Timinour, and today you're on graffiti duty." "Oh but Sataaaaaaan."
I am free from hell. YAY!
And there's the ex-girlfriend. GOD DAMN IT.
That's it. We're going to Silent Hill.
Dun dun DUUUUN.
Now, let's discuss a little Silent Hill history. In Silent Hill 2 towards the end of the game, James has to row across the fog-covered lake to get to the hotel. It's easily the creepiest, most genuinely horrifying part of the game--you, the player, are rowing across this desolate lake after being literally to hell and back, no sound but your oars hittig the water. With each stroke, you become more convinced that a horrible demon that you're ill prepared to fight is going to come rising up out of the water. In THIS game, we're taking a police boat across the lake towards Silent Hill--the apex of all evil, remember?--and we get a cutscene where Alex and and his ex flirt a bit. See the difference?
And in this absolutely not at all scary cutscene, the suspicion actually pays off when we get attacked by gas masks again. Good job!
Alex takes a punch pretty well, right up to the point where he rolls into the water. Good one, Alex!
Hey Alex, why don't you yell some more? I bet the gas mask wearing cult members are having a really difficult time finding you.
Racist caricature and annoying ex-girlfriend are both in prison, but for some reason racist caricature hasn't had his walkie talkie lifted off him. That makes it really handy for Alex, who likes to broadcast where he is every single step of the way.
"I'M AT THE PRISON GATE! IT'S LOCKED! I NEED TO FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE! I'LL SNEAK AROUND THERE!"
Cheers, mate.
Oh my god.
This game has twice directly referenced the Silent Hill movie.
I spit upon you, ptui ptui.
_____________________

The 'new game' on the title screen always amuses me. Haha Silent Hill! That will never happen.
So, Alex, if you can jump across that huge gap between buildings, why couldn't you FUCKING CLEAR THAT JUMP IN THE HELL HOTEL, HUH?
You thought you could distract me from the cult members sneaking up on me with the sounds of machinery, did you? WELL THINK AGAIN.
Bam bam, motherfuckers.
Seriously, this room is really loud. I really don't think this is up to OSHA standards.
Alex grunts like he's in a bad porn. C'mon Alex, just take your pants off.
Actually, don't. Please.
The streets have gotten a lot... oh, what's the word? Bitier? Yes.
I'm yet again in a cemetery. This wall wants to know if I'd like to breach it.
Hell yes!
Once more unto the breach, dear friends!
These smoke monsters should be used in anti-smoking PSAs.
"I'm dead. Don't smoke."
Health drink sitting on a dumpster. That's... healthy.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about all these things crawling out of the sewers.
"I heard you running past and I Wanted to pop out and see if OH GOD MY SKULL."
Just a big misunderstanding.
I am getting really, really discouraged by the fact that there is a prison level. Maybe it will secretly be good, like the sewer level.
Maybe.
Right?
Racist caricature is shouting at me over the walkie talkie again.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'M IN CELL BLOCK B!" "OKAY YOU STAY THERE AND I'LL COME FIND YOU!" "OKAY I HOPE THEY DON'T GET ME BEFORE YOU DO!" "JUST LAY LOW!"
It's a match made in heaven.
Finally, found a map.
Would you look at this. Oh no, it's so huge!
Oh, sorry, I was looking through my porn collection again. Where was I?
What the fuck?
I shot a cult member in the head and apparently it caused him to defecate, because that was NOT the noise a dying man makes.
I really suspect the instructions to the foley artist for that were not "morning poo" but goddamn if he didn't have a vision.
Did I mention that the racist caricature is a cop? Because the game wants to make sure that you remember that.
A giant hell beast comes crashing through the ceiling. "You cuff him" intones my not-quite-politically-correct friend "and I'll read him his rights."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I hate this game.
I'm a little relieved to find out that the morass of wires and switches isn't a puzzle that I have to solve, but a thing that only the racist caricature can control. I am less pleased that now he won't stop fucking talking to me.
A shower room!
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Holy giant flesh spiders, Batman!
I really don't think this place is up to code.
I don't know how you managed to make a hell prison filled with horrors boring Homecoming, but kudos to you for the achievement.
Mom?
Come on mom, this isn't the time to be playing Jesus.
Little spoiler here: from this point forward, I'll be allowed to make a series of decisions that will affect the ending of the game. This is the first one: mom is tied to a rack, Torgo acting all over the place. Should I put her out of her misery, or let the hellish machine rip her apart while I hide in a corner and whimper?
Too late, I've already decided.
BULLET IN YOUR HEAD, MOM.
This is the one time where the descent into hell actually makes sense.
Is that a giant green booger in a cage?
No, I'm sorry. It's a giant green booger in a cage that is also a puzzle.
I think hell prison is actually tidier than the normal prison.
THE MAN WHO DEVISED IT
DOES NOT WANT IT
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT IT
DOES NOT USE IT
THE MAN WHO USED IT
DOES NOT REALIZE IT
Everybody, all together now!
IT'S A FUCKING COFFIN.
The next puzzle is gonna ask me what stands on four legs in the morning...
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Ewwwwwww!
Booger monster is dripping black blood into the hole I'm meant to jump in. I don't want to jump in that hole!
Alex and the fat man.
Squeeze through that tiny opening, fat man!
Yes, it's very comical.
Sorry, racist caricature is also fat.
Is
Is that
It is!
It's the human centipede!
Now I'm a little curious as to which came first.
Hahahahahahaha
Alex is riding the human centipede monster like he's at a fleshy rodeo.
Giddyup!
Oh good, I'm at the creepy Silent Hill brambles church.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE ISN'T IT WITH THE BRAMBLES AND SUCH
A man is in the confessional and mistakes me for a priest. Oh-ho, now we're a wacky 80s comedy.
Wait.
WAIT.
The man confesses that he had two sons--one that he treated well and one that he treated poorly. He treated the one son poorly to 'protect him from what must be done' and he wants forgiveness.
That's my dad, isn't it?
That's my dad and he was going to sacrifice me.
I KNEW IT WAS SOME FUCKING CULT THING.
I am slightly more inclined to believe that Alex is former military after he survived that two-story fall.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ALEX RUN
NO FUCKING
NO RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE RUN
Wait, maybe that wasn't dad. Here he is hanging from a railing.
Uuuuuuuuuh.
HAHAHAHAH
I FUCKING CALLED IT.
ALEX WASN'T IN THE MILITARY, HE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
HAHAHAHAHA actually that explains a lot.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit. Sorry dad!
Dad just got skewered by Pyramid Head.
Go and chase after Pyramid Head! He's contracted to appear in this at least three times.
These stairs never end. Do you remember Mario64, where the stairs up to Bowser would just go on and on unless you'd collected enough stars? I don't think Alex has collected enough stars.
Huh.
In previous Silent Hill games the motives behind the town--as a living entity, which it is--tended to be... well, not spelled out.
This game says fuck all that!
Yeah.
So the four founding members of the town of Shepherd's Glen made a pact with... something for their protection from the something that's in Silent Hill, where they came from. They were required, once every 50 years, to kill one of their children.
Fair enough, I suppose. I know I'd trust an entity that's agreed to protect me from evil by being slightly less evil.
Alex was supposed to be the sacrifice for his family, but his father couldn't do it. And that's when the... something from Silent Hill unleashed hell on the town?
So they all decided to go back to worshipping the... something from Silent Hill instead.
And then a bitchy lady stuck a drill in my leg.
It's okay, I returned the favour.
I was off by about four feet, though.
DRILL THROUGH THE SKULL.
A question for anyone who has played all of the Silent Hill games. Is the big evil thing in the town something that they accidentally mined up? Cause I'm really getting the sense that it's something they mined up.
Also this book rather explicitly told me.
The game has rewarded me for hoarding all my ammo and health items by stripping me of all my ammo and health items. Cheers!
So I'm in this underground cult place, yeah? It's all infested with cult members who I have to fight because they charge me when they see me and chase me around. They're not avoidable.
And all I have is a knife because the game is a cunt and has taken all my belongings from me. Scary, right?
When I target a cult member and quick attack it (A, A, A) he'll circle around me. The third quick attack knocks him back enough so he can't attack, and then it starts again.
stab, stab, stab, step back, stab, stab, stab
Until he's dead.
HORROR
TERROR
The best part? If there's two of them, the one you're not engaged with will stand back a bit.
"Oooooh, there's a bit of a fight here, what?"
It's Curtis the junkyard dude again! Hey Curtis!
Curtis, why are you menacing my ex-girlfriend with a rusty saw?
OOOOOOOOOOH.
Damn Curtis, I thought we had something special!
Curtis went to the same training camp as the other cult members.
Saw blades can't protect you from my killer moves, Curtis!
Stab, stab, stab
I've rescued annoying ex-girlfriend. That means there are many more door puzzles in my future.
Yeeeeeeeup.
HOT WHEEL TURNING ACTION.
Ex-girlfriend doesn't follow me into certain rooms. Like, you know, the room where I shoved a drill through her mom's skull.
That'd make the 'thank god we didn't die' sex really awkward.
RACIST CARICATURE!!
ooooooooh jeez. Um. Should I... should I pull those knives out or... jeez.
The game gives me the option of saving him or leaving him to his grisly fate. I elected to save him. Now he won't stop gurgling.
Jesus dude, I gave you a whole medkit. what else do you want?
I've tasked annoying ex to take care of racist caricature while I go and rescue Josh, the ungrateful whoreson.
"Be careful" she whispers "I can't lose you too."
I nod, knowingly.
Yeah baby, I know it.
Body bags! Body bags! What do you think's in these body bags! Is it dead! Bodies or... not.
To be sung to the tune of Spiderman, duh.
I've entered what is clearly a chamber of some sort.
Sorry, a Chamber.
DUN DUN DUUUUN
Wait a moment. I'm in Silent Hill, right? These are the infamous Silent Hill mines. So why is there a chamber dedicated to the Shepherd's Glen founding members?
I mean, they left the town and needed to be protected from the horrible gods of Silent Hill. Wouldn't they be thought of as cast-outs?
It's the Exposition Chamber.
Boy, Alex sure gets into a lot of places with that ceremonial knife. You wouldn't think they'd just leave that laying around.
Alex, why is it taking you so long to read this plaque?
And you're using your forefinger to trace the... oh, Alex.
Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Flashback time!
Oh.
OH.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Alex killed Josh.
Josh is dead.
Fuck.
Well, I was half right.
Also, good. Little brat.
I think it's the final boss!
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?
It's a baby with mechanical spider legs.
I give up. Show's over. There's nothing worse than this.
It's a fucking baby with mechanical fucking spider legs.
This is the most boring, idiotic, abysmal, repetitive boss fight that ever existed.
God didn't give you a dodge button so you could douche around, Alex.
Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't a giant baby. It was a pregnant baby. And it gave birth to Josh.
Um, are you just gonna leave your brother's corpse there, Alex?
Litterbug.
So, um.
So Alex mentions to loads of people throughout the game that he's there to save Josh. Did no one think to remind him that Josh was murdered?
By, you know, him?
It doesn't matter because he limps off into the grey fog with annoying ex-girlfriend!
And I, for some reason, unlocked the Big Rig Alex costume.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Gay jokes!
The end.

So I found a Sarah Brightman CD that I bought when I was 17

2014-06-19T23:33:00.001-04:00

I never listened to it. I bought it because I was a huge Phantom of the Opera fangirl and I saw it at the Media Play and thought "Sarah Brightman!" and bought it. Fun side-note: I had to do a Google search because I couldn't remember the name of Media Play. "CD stores" auto-completes with "from the 90s". Bless you internet.

So here we go. A CD that was made in the 90s by a former Broadway singer who did not age gracefully. Let's run this shit into the ground.

First song: Sarah Brightman whispering behind vague ambient sounds and something that I think is meant to sound like the mission control for a space shuttle. What's the name of it? La Lune. Bloody fantastic. The booklet tells me that she's saying actual words and not just muttering, but I'll choose to assume that someone caught her trying to read a recipe she didn't quite understand.

Everyone does that, right? When they can't understand a recipe, they kind of stand there in the kitchen, muttering the instructions over and over again. Right?

Second song: OH MY FUCKING CHRIST.

I should have mentioned this earlier, because it's important. Sarah Brightman played the very first Christine in the Phantom of the Opera musical, which was written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Andrew Lloyd Webber is this charming motherfucker:

What's even more important about this is the fact that his wife at the time was... Sarah Brightman. In fact, he wrote the role of Christine specifically for her to sing, which is why Christine is a soprano. Sarah Brightman was a soprano.

Well, is.

Sort of.

See, I always thought that Sarah Brightman made a great Christine because she had a really breathy quality to her voice, which fit in with the character. Young shy girl who is very talented but with no self-esteem, being pushed along by a hidden father figure who turns out to be a creep. She sounds a bit out of her league. Totally made sense.

According to track number two here, Sarah Brightman's whispery, breathy singing is a goddamn feature. Whatever, let's continue.

TRACK FUCKING TWO: Sarah sings far too quietly as the background music overwhelms her. It sounds a bit like she's trying to seduce a track from one of those world fusion CDs. She gains some energy towards the end of the track but it's only after a long musical interlude has me concerned that someone clubbed her over the head with a pan flute. I'd complain about the pretentious lyrics but I can barely hear them so that's all right.

Third song: Scarborough Fair! We're starting off good here, since I love this Sarah Brightman what are you doing with that high note please no please stop no

Okay, she stopped. Wait, no. I guess I'm getting that lovely high note every time she says 'sage'. Good. Otherwise not a terrible song, and she managed to capture the floaty quality that I assume she's going for when she's breathy.

Literally as I was typing that out the music suddenly swelled and overwhelmed her so much that I could not tell she was still singing. Excellent. I want to have a chat with the sound editor.

Fourth song: Figlio Perduto, written by Beethoven. The instrumental is still playing as I'm writing this, so hope

I would say that this is the best track so far but I cannot tell what's going on here. Is she... okay, it sounds like she's singing, okay, and then they overlaid her singing with a robot version of her singing. Is... is that autotune? Was autotune around in 2000? Hold on.

Auto-tune, initial release 1997. Hmm. I'm hesitant to call it, but something really weird is going on for the first 30 seconds of her singing. After that we have Sarah Brightman singing overlaid with Sarah Brightman humming so that's all right. At least this time she's being drowned out by herself.

In the last couple of stanzas she switches to full operatic mode and it would be very lovely if I COULD HEAR HER OVER THE BACKGROUND MUSIC TURN THE SOUND LEVELS DOWN

Fifth song: IS THIS WHITER SHADE OF PALE?

THIS IS. THIS IS WHITER SHADE OF PALE.

Okay, let's be fair. I'm going to listen to the original Whiter Shade of Pale and then I'm going to listen to Annie Lennox's version of it because why the fuck not, and then I will judge Sarah Brightman because maybe I'm just being unfair.

Hm. See, yes, there's a fundamental quality that's lacking in Sarah Brightman's version of this song and it's the fact that SHE'S DROWNING IN HER OWN BACKING MUSIC. I know it seems like I'm harping on this a lot but holy hell, it's terrible. She's somewhat anemic anyway, but even when she gets some power in her voice, suddenly the music swells to compensate. It might as well be "Angel Records' Studio Musicians, featuring Sarah Brightman."

I don't think it's actually the studio musicians, for the record. I can't be bothered to look it up.

Annie Lennox's version of Whiter Shade of Pale is also pretty terrible.

Sixth song: Nothing new going on here. Loud backing music, anemic singing, unnecessary high notes. I will say this though, I desperately want to tell her to cheer the fuck up.

hahahahahaha I thought I was done with this track but she just did a little pop music trill and that's so stupid it's fucking adorable.

Seventh song: How many songs are on this CD? 15? Fuck me. Song number 7 is just an instrumental. Now I feel bad for already blowing my load on that "Studio musicians featuring Sarah Brightman" joke.

Eighth song: A song called How Fair This Place that she is singing in what appears to be Russian. Full on operatic mode and very beautiful. I am willing to forgive the slightly less overwhelming background music.

Ninth song: A quick preview of the booklet and this song is really, really long. Like, two pages long. Maybe it'll be a good one!

...she sounds like a Japanese schoolgirl singing in Spanish.

Tenth song: My husband's playing God of War right now, and I had forgotten about all of the completely unnecessary breasts in this game. Greece must be the number one supplier of diaphanous material.

Oh, song number ten is Here With Me and it's mostly terrible. Someone poked her with a stick and she sang a bit louder for a minute or two. That's something.

Eleventh song: I feel like Sarah Brightman is a teenager who's had a few voice classes and just downloaded Audacity, but with an opera singer as a headmate. Opera singer got to front for this song, and it's just beautiful. Also, when Brightman's using her operatic voice her high notes are so strong and pure. It really makes her anemic pop music high notes all the sadder.

Twelfth song: fuck you I'm skipping this piece of shit

Thirteenth song: Hell yeah, opera singer got to front again!

Fourteenth song: Hey, apparently what I have here is the Barnes and Noble Exclusive Edition! I didn't buy this at Media Play at all! Man, I bet I got shafted hard, Barnes and Noble CDs were expensive as hell.

Song number 14 is Gloomy Sunday and someone needs to tell Brightman that only Ella Fitzgerald can be Ella Fitzgerald.

LAST SONG ON THE DISC: So anemic pop singer and booming opera singer are having an argument and opera singer is winning. I am suffering through the thin, reedy singing because the more powerful moments are absolutely stunning. Even the background music is at an appropriate level! Someone learned how to operate Audacity just in time for the last song.

In a way this is the most disappointing song because about half of it is just hauntingly beautiful.

CEE DEE ROUND-UP: I've watched Repo: A Genetic Opera, and I'm happy to report that Sarah Brightman did eventually scrap any idea that she would make a good pop singer. I'm throwing this CD away now.

Fatal Frame 2: Crimson AAUUUGH GO AWAY

2012-09-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

It's October! Well, it's almost October. Like I'm going to let an extra hour and twenty minutes stop me, you terrible pedants.

Sorry. It's (nearly) October! Which means that it's time for my annual "Palisade Plays a Game and Freaks Right the Fuck Out!(tm)" event, where I play a horror game and pretend like I'm not about to burst into tears and urinate on myself the entire time.

Last year I promised everyone Fatal Frame 2 but didn't deliver, as the copy of Fatal Frame that I bought was a Wii game accidentally shelved with a 360's box on it. Terrible times indeed. Since then I've purchased a Wii, so I can finally provide you, the reader, with the highest quality of terrified ramblings.

CHAPTER ONE

And the game opens with some winsome twins.

okay so that's a british accent?

really

okay game, I'll bite

Mayu is dead. Right? I mean, come on.

If Mayu is not a dead person then I will eat my hat. I will purchase a hat for the express purpose of eating it.

Jesus Christ, this chick moves at the speed of a glacier.

Thanks game, for giving me control over a character just long enough to have her slowly trudge through 5 feet of forest. That's handy.

"It's the lost village. I heard that it disappeared on the day of a festival, and that people who were lost in the forest were lured to it." I've got bad news for you, kid.

Again with the terrible british accent. In Japan.

It's really handy that these two winsome twins happen to dress almost, but not totally, exactly like each other. School mornings must be a real pain in the ass.

"Mio, I'm wearing the red shirt with the white dress today!" "But Mayu, you wore the white dress last time!" "Well yes, that's because I'm dead."

Dead people in Japan wear white.

It's a joke that works on several levels.

You've found a black handbag!

Yes, I am aware that it looks like a glowing blue ball, but it's a handbag.

No, we have no intention of modeling these things. You're getting glowing blue balls and you'll like it.

Ooooh I just realised that the screen flickers and then occasionally shows screaming ghost faces. Creepy!

okay um

okay

um game please stop

OH JESUS GOD NO

why are they even in the forest

why are there things

there are things fuck this game

and then I hid under a rock the end

okay so thank you everyone who suggested this legitimately terrifying game, I hope you get eaten by a grue

Okay, so this game is forcing me to search through a house where there is CLEARLY an angry ghost

which seems to be a really passive aggressive move on the game's part

I only called it a few names

the nice part is that I get no end of amusement from walking into Mayu and watching her stumble backwards and look sad

Stupid winsome ghost

Oh good, I found a torch!

Oh good, it's a shitty torch!

I swear to christ that horror game characters get their torches from The Shitty Torch Store.

"Oh look honey, here's one that only illuminates things that are a foot in front of you!"

"Hmmmm, that one's nice, but this one plays terrifying musical stings when you highlight completely innocent objects."

"Well what happens when you highlight something terrifying, like a ghost?"

"It kills you."

"Perfect!"

THERE'S A GHOST

wait no

THERE IS IT RIGHT THERE

wait no

I am tempted to just turn the sound right off

"Notes on the Camera Obscura"

AW SHIT IT'S CAMERA TIME

That means there's going to be a ghost for real

"The Camera Obscura, it takes pictures of things which should not exist"

Yeah uh, all cameras can do that

Unless you mean that it can take pictures of things that can't be seen with the naked eye

BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT AIN'T IT

anyway it's time for a camera tutorial

Oh good, let's make the controls as shaky as possible

TAKE THAT GHOST FACE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

AUGH IT'S CHOKING ME

officer I would like you to arrest that ghost for assault

Okay, she's dead. Deader. More dead.

She's

fuck that ghost, let's bounce

The door's locked. Of course the door is locked!

Hahahahahahaha

Ooooooh dear

now the game wants to teach me about benevolent ghosts, like I give a shit about benevolent ghosts

"Don't come any closer!" the ghost intones

Yes, sir

I am down with that

Okay game, I am NOT HAVING your fakeout bullshit. Okay? NOT HAVING IT.

"Touch this thing the size and shape of a human!" oooh nooooooo what is it! "It's a mirror!" Oh.

"Touch this futon with a lump the size and shape of a human!" Ooooooh nooooo wha- "It's just a futon!" fuck you.

"follow this ghost up the stairs!"

No wait, that's actually what it's telling me.

Of course the ghost waits to attack me until after I'm actually lodged in the tiny room where it's hard to maneuver. Can't make the combat too intuitive!

MAYU PLEASE MOVE YOUR DEAD ASS SO I CAN KILL THIS GHOST WITH THE POWER OF PHOTOGRAPHY

THANK YOU

END OF CHAPTER ONE

ugh

A Discussion About Words

2012-06-03T22:46:00.002-04:00

I've intentionally left the goal of this blog to be pretty vague, in order to accommodate the various whims that hit me from time to time, but overall I've always intended this to be a place where I can talk about stories, in all their various incarnations. What makes a story can be pretty vague, which has allowed me a greater playground, so to speak.

Today, however, I want to talk about something only tangentially related to story-telling--yes, even more so than when I spent a month making fun of Silent Hill: Homecoming. I want to talk about words.

Most people have certain words that simply bother them. I'm not talking about things like racial slurs--they bother people because they are hateful words--but more about words that simply sound wrong. For instance, I've heard from many sources that "moist" is a word that just makes people uncomfortable. It sounds wet and damp, like something living in a cave. Moist doesn't really bother me, but it's not a word I'd use unless I was talking about a particularly well made cake. Doesn't that sound lovely, a nice, moist cake? Mmmmm, moist.

At any rate, there are other words that do raise my hackles--for some reason they just don't feel right, they roll off the tongue in a strange way, or they conjure up unintentionally negative mental images. For a lot of them, it's because they're words I naturally associate with something a small child would say--so when I hear an adult use them, it make me uncomfortable. Observe.

Word: Tasty
"Oh, did you have some of Mrs. Partridge's cake? It was ever so tasty."
I am certain that Mrs. Partridge makes a rather exceptional cake. I am also rather certain that she wouldn't want you to go around besmirching the good name of her cakes with a word like tasty. All I can hear when someone says this word is the sound of lips smacking together wetly.

Word: Morsel
"Thank you, but I'll just have a morsel."
This word is only acceptable if you are a mouse that can talk. Unless you are describing the sorts of things that you eat to your human friend, Stuart Little, then do us all a favor and say "a little bit" or "a small bite".
Bonus points: You can describe something as "A tasty morsel" if you'd really like to see my face turn red at a party.

Word: Nibble
"I'll just have a nibble of this tasty little morsel".
Fuck you and die.

Word: Tummy
"I'd love some cheese, but it upsets my tummy so."
I have a six year old who has learned to say "belly" instead of "tummy" and she's so cutesy that she shits rainbow-colored sprinkles. You're not prettying up your gastro-intestinal distress by calling them "tummy troubles". Trust me, we all know you have the shits. Just say stomach, please.

Word: Hubby
"Delilah, have you met my hubby? "
For moral reasons, I object to being forced to picture a grown man being married to a small child. "Hubby" is fun though, because even though it sounds like a word that a small child would use, it's also a word that is not used by any small child, ever. "Hubby" is like the verbal version of PDA--this couple wants you to know that they're ever so cutesy and in love, even if they can't make out like teenagers all the time teehee!
Bonus points: Find a couple where the wife says hubby and the husband says wifey or little woman. No, please, find these couples for me. I want to make a nasty facebook page about them.

Word: Yummy
"Wasn't that avocado and bean sprout salad just yummy?!"
Every time I hear a grown person say yummy I expect them to then lean over and ask me if I'd like to be mummy's little helper after lunch.

Word: Cuz
"Well I said that cuz I didn't want him showing up."
This one's a bit harder because I don't object to the verbal version of it--a shortened version of "because". I say it all the time. There's two ways to indicate that you are using the shortened version of "because" in writing though, and one of them is 'cause and the other is cuz. Is it the zed that bothers me? It is how the word has almost zero relation to its parent? Is it because Andrew Dobson says it? The world will never know.

That's my list for now, but I'll add to it as I think of things. In the meantime, what are some words that bother you for reasons you can't adequately describe?

Holmes Talks: The Introduction

2012-05-02T02:46:00.001-04:00

So I've been busy with this and that, that being a proposed new series I want to make where I explore the history of Sherlock Holmes the character while making stupid mspaint jokes. This is the first--not just the first video in the series, but literally the first video I've ever made in my life. Watch it and weep, bastions of good taste.

The Darkness: Part One

2012-03-23T12:27:00.000-04:00

Did you honestly think that I'd forgotten The Darkness? Silly! No, I had Mass Effect depression for a couple of weeks, but I eventually rallied, complained a lot on the internet, and then started The Darkness. So here we go!

The Darkness!

So the game opens with my character in a speeding car with two obvious mobsters, talking about obvious mobster shit. We're then chased by the police, for being obvious mobsters. It's neat. The only hinderance is the fact that I appear to have autonomy, but can't actually do anything with the gun that expendable mobster A shoved into my hands.

Oops, there goes expendable mobster A.

Expendable mobster B is now shouting at me to use my gun, which is somehow the cue for me to... actually use my gun?

Boom boom, motherfuckers.

Okay, everyone has really obnoxious New Jersey mob-style accents. My husband is not going to stop doing his really bad mobster impression for weeks, is he?

Hold on.

Okay, now that he's tied up, back to our chase scene already in progress.

HOOOOLY SHIT!

That was a pretty fucking epic crash sequence.

Expendable mobster B actually has a piece of bone sticking out of his leg. EWWWWW. But immersive!

He gave me some exposition and some guns before dying. I shot him in the head, just to make sure.

Okay! So I'm the nephew of some dude named Paulie, who wants some other guy dead. I can handle that.

My name is Jackie, for the record. Paulie, Jackie, and expendable mobster B was named Mickey. I'm sensing a trend.

I'm being attacked by construction workers with really filthy mouths. Oh, and guns.

I didn't know you needed a concealed weapons permit to work in construction, but ok.

I'm probably just too used to playing Mass Effect, but holy hell these guys can take a lot of bullets before going down.

Oh Christ. Is Jackie wearing a leather trenchcoat?

JACKIE.

I walked into a room and Paulie started talking to me over a video recording. He's been taking lessons from the Joker!

Right up to and including "Obvious Puns in Your Threatening Message."

"I left you a present, it's in the closet. Have a blast!"

Okay so it's a... yeah, it's a bomb.

I can see why you got into the mobster business Paulie, with one-liners like those.

Jackie somehow survived the blast AND the three story fall. It must have been the trenchcoat.

Then Jackie has a cutscene all to himself where he explains that Paulie's a BAD MOBSTER who got into drug running and working with the cops, while Jackie's a GOOD MOBSTER who looks out for the family, and... no, that's it.

I'm not sure there's a whole lot of income generation implicit in "you gotta look out for the family!", Jackster. Look, Paulie might not be the best at making jokes, but at least he brings in some money!

I made it into a cemetery. I'm getting shades of Silent Hill, here.

I met a bum in a bathroom.

I quit.

Okay, fine, Jesus.

Th-the TOILET BUM informed me that I was in a bathroom (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and that I could get out of the cemetery by blasting open a gate. He was less amused than I am about the fact that Jackie apparently just throws the word "fucking" into random sentences.

I'M JACKIE I HAVE LONG HAIR AND A TRENCHCOAT AND I SAY FUCKING A LOT BECAUSE I'M HARDCORE MEEEEEEH

Sorry.

That's a lie, I'm not sorry.

OOOOH I'M A MOBSTER BUT I'M A NICE MOBSTER SO I'M A TRAGIC CHARACTER OOOOOOH

hahahaha sick burOH JESUS GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING OH GOD OH JESUS OH GOD

Is it because I made fun of Jackie, game? I'm so sorry. Oh Shiva.

AIIIIIE IT'S TALKING TO ME

Ok. So I was leaving Toilet Bum to his toilet bumming when suddenly a digitally modulated voice started talking to me. And then I grew tentacles with faces and the faces reached out and bit off everyone's faces I guess because they need more faces for their faces OH GOD.

Can you imagine if someone started playing this game, thinking it was just a normal mobster game? An entire hour of shooting bad mobster caricatures and then TENTACLES WITH FACES HAHA

HAHAHAHAHA WHAT

This just gets better and better.

I now have the ability to spawn a little chittering demon thing that can show me exits and kill things and emit a stream of COMPLETELY ADORABLE gangster talk.

I directed him towards a storefront. He ran over and then turned around and yelled "Yo!"

He killed a man by tearing his throat out. As the man gurgled to death, the demon yelled "Peace out!"

SO FUCKING CUTE.

Also the tentacles with faces have a kind of an eel quality to them. They're unintentionally cute as well.

Uh.

Well that one just devoured a dead man's heart, so maybe...

...no, still cute.

Okay, new cutscene. It appears as if Jackie's talking to his girlfriend named... Jenny.

Well, trend supported.

I think I'll call Jenny on this handy payphone.

Yeah doll. It's me. Listen, just be super careful until I get there, okay? No reason.

Her response is to tell me that she's a big girl and can handle herself.

Will she a) get abducted or b) get killed?

It's a video game, silly. No over-confident women has said something about being able to handle herself without getting shown the error of her ways.

Silly women!

I met up with a bad italian stereotype who wanted to know if I was still dating my girlfriend, because if she's free...

God man, show some tact. Look, you've gone and offended my shoulder eels.

This subway is peppered with graffiti and actual adverts for products and movies that don't exist. Look, um. Um. This game is really, really charming. Um. I think I might have accidentally picked up a great game.

Shit.

It's kinda neat that I can walk the streets of downtown wherever we are, and while yes I'm getting shot at by mobsters, they still react if I pull my shoulder eels out. Sometimes they even run away!

Show some respect to the shoulder eels.

I finally met up with my girlfriend, who called me rat-face.

Haha, okay, you got me. I do kinda look like a rat.

I decided to tell her the truth about the fact that I kill people in the face for a living. She insisted I was just making up a story to cover up the real problem.

All right, so Jenny here ain't the brightest bulb. That's okay. At least she hasn't been kidnapped yet.

Huh, Jenny managed to survive past several cutscenes. Well played, Jenny.

I'm supposed to go meet Butcher. These mafia names are getting frankly ridiculous.

Butcher told me to whack Dutch Oven Harry in order to get to Silly String Mallone, who's great friends with Wild Balls Frank, who sometimes sleeps with Paulie.

Great, and now I'm being attacked by corrupt cops. Like I don't have enough problems.

This game isn't the greatest at showing where on the map I'm meant to go, so I tend just to follow the trail of enemies.

Jackster here has just gone overboard with these mafia references. He's like the uber-nerd at the after-school anime club, pointing out that Super Sparkle Love Love Girls is actually a reference to The Yum-Yum Show, actually.

Yes, I am hoping to gain popularity by indirectly--and poorly--referencing K.C. Green. That is literally my plan.

Also Jackie is more like the kid that laughs a little too loudly and constantly talks about Dragonball Z, since it's the only anime he's ever seen.

Jackie is getting a little tiresome, is I guess what I'm saying.

A better Mass Effect 3 ending (SPOILERS)

2012-03-11T22:13:00.000-04:00

OH GOD THERE ARE SPOILERS RUN AWAY SPOILERS WILL EAT YOUR FACE

Shepard collapsed next to Anderson, blood pouring down her face. The curvature of the earth was laid out before them, bright even through the haze of cannons, and lasers, and the fog of war. Anderson touched her hand lightly and coughed.

"You did good, kid." he whispered. Shepard smiled and winced. The pain was there, but beginning to fade into the background. She wondered if that meant she was dying. She thought about asking Anderson, suddenly realising that he'd gone limp beside her.

No tears. It was a death to be proud of. She wondered if she should have commissioned that for her gravestone--A Death To Be Proud Of--and then fought back the urge to giggle hysterically.

She was watching the view through the opened arms of the citadel, waiting for the blackness to overtake her, when a sudden, sharp light appeared in the room. She had always thought that the light was supposed to happen after the darkness, and wondered briefly if she was going insane.

The light coalesced into a form, a figure, standing in front of the console she had recently bled all over. Spots danced in front of her eyes for a moment before she realised that the figure was fiddling with the console himself. A large explosion echoed distantly.

He turned.

"Who are you?" she whispered, hoping she wouldn't have to move.

The figure stepped forward, and the light faded. He was bearded and robed, with a gentle face and a Serrice brand visor. It was blue. His eyes were blue. Shepard tried not to giggle again.

He crossed the room in two steps and held his hand out to her.

"Shepard. I am God."

Another explosion sounded, closer than the one previously. The pain had come back. She boggled.

"What, like God... God?"

He nodded gravely.

She licked her lips nervously and stared at his outstretched hand.

"Take it." he whispered. She slipped her hand into his and realised the pain was fading again--but this time without the darkness nipping at her. He helped her stand.

"What are you doing?" she asked, suddenly realising that the explosions were steady, and sounded suspiciously like gunfire.

"I started the guns for you."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

She decided not to argue.

"Well, then... am I dead? Or am I dying?"

His eyes twinkled.

"Do you want to die?"

PARAGON ANSWER: That seems like the most logical ending
RENEGADE ANSWER: Fuck, no.

Then they both jumped in his space Mercedes and flew off, the end.

Oops

2012-02-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

Due to circumstances beyond my control (the fact that Mass Effect 3 is coming out in just over a week and I have just barely started the second game) my Mass Effect write up is being indefinitely suspended. I'm sorry. In case you were wondering: yes, I did rescue Liara, and yes, I did have extremely boring sex with Lieutenant Carth.

There's going to be a small delay while I'm playing Mass Effect 3, though there will be at least one short story post. Once I'm done with ME, I will start a game that I bought just for you.

THE DARKNESS.

In the meantime, enjoy this terrible trailer for the sequel.

WHO'S EXCITED?!

So, um

2012-02-02T23:36:00.000-05:00

I've taken a look at some of my blog statistics recently, and I've noticed that most of my post hits that aren't directly related to a referring link come from one source.

so I'm creeped out now!

No seriously, I love you all. Really. Please back away slowly.

Guide To Being Eaten By The Internet

2012-01-29T17:39:00.001-05:00

Hi! It looks as if you're being EATEN BY THE INTERNET. Who knew that insulting that customer/stealing from that artist/closing down that charity effort/bad-mouthing that internet celebrity would pay off so quickly? For your convenience, I have compiled a list of helpful suggestions to improve your EATEN BY THE INTERNET experience.

1) Apologies? You don't need no stinkin' apologies. Remember, admitting that you might have been at fault for any reason is just another way of saying that you are a weak, sad person.

2) Make sure to engage in plenty of defensive posturing. It will cause people to be impressed by your eloquence and wit.

3) Do people seem offended by you? That just means it's working. Call them names for good measure.

4) Make sure you accuse everyone who is shouting at you of engaging in their own illegal activities. After all, two illegal activities combine together and either cancel each other out or create the head for Megazord. Either way, you win.

5) Definitely use either racial, misogynistic, or homophobic slurs. Those are the best.

6) If you have a meltdown, make sure it's posted in a place that anyone can see it. Then delete it. Then post another one. Then delete that and cry a bit. This will delight your fans and unsettle your enemies.

7) After throwing a hissy fit and refusing to stop whatever has angered everyone, make sure to congratulate yourself on how mature you're being. Buy a cake!

8) Finally, convince yourself that the internet isn't forever. Eat your cake. Imagine that you are the internet and the cake is you.

I hope this guide can increase the enjoyment that you get from your BEING EATEN BY THE INTERNET experience.

2012-01-17T23:12:00.001-05:00

The Reichenbach Falls

2012-01-10T23:36:00.001-05:00

I'm back.

What, did you think I was dead? Haha, silly! No, the doctor says the scars should eventually heal, provided I don't move or breathe in any discernible way. Antelopes, eh?

Since Tumblr has informed me that a new episode of the hit television series Sherlock is about to air, and I'm nothing if not topical, I thought I'd do yet another post about famed Belgian detective Poirot. He's so funny! And clever! Then I remembered that doing a post about The Final Problem would probably annoy more people, so here we are.

In the interest of providing some back-story, I feel as if I should make mention of a couple things. First off, Sherlock is indeed about to air an episode based off this story. In addition, the film Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (which sounds like a video game, if I'm honest) was also loosely based on this story. The movie adaptation, at least, did a pleasant enough job of rounding out the character that is introduced in this story, certainly better than Sir Doyle did. Which character is that?

“"You have probably never heard of Professor Moriarty?" said he.”

Dun dun DUUUUUN. It is tempting to compare and contrast the various adaptations of this story to see where one is superior to the other, but I feel as if some basic understanding of the original story is necessary. So let's begin!

It's funnier to separate fact from fiction (ha!) but there's no real way to get around it: the Final Problem was originally written as a way to get rid of Holmes. Sir Arthur, a very competent man who happened to go a little insane as he got older (ask me about the fairies!) decided that he was tired of writing about his most famous creation, and wanted to focus more time on his historical fiction. What? Yes, Sir Arthur wrote historical fiction. He was even knighted for it!

At any rate, The Final Problem was written with little set up, and one end goal—kill off Holmes. The problem that the author faced was a singular one, since Holmes could either die in two ways: through some stupid mishap or by facing a worthy adversary. Except that a worthy adversary had never before been written for Holmes. Well... shit, I guess. Time to break out the banana peels and chemical vats!

Since Sir Arthur wasn't particularly interested in creating the first Batman villain, he decided to go the 'worthy adversary' route without actually setting the adversary up in any way. As a consequence, Moriarty is fairly... well, toothless.

As an example, here is the first introduction to our keen criminal mastermind.

"Aye, there's the genius and the wonder of the thing!" he cried. "The man pervades London, and no one has heard of him. That's what puts him on a pinnacle in the records of crime. I tell you, Watson, in all seriousness, that if I could beat that man, if I could free society of him, I should feel that my own career had reached its summit, and I should be prepared to turn to some more placid line in life. Between ourselves, the recent cases in which I have been of assistance to the royal family of Scandinavia, and to the French republic, have left me in such a position that I could continue to live in the quiet fashion which is most congenial to me, and to concentrate my attention upon my chemical researches. But I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in my chair, if I thought that such a man as Professor Moriarty were walking the streets of London unchallenged."

Gosh, that sounds pretty scary! A man so diabolical, so entrenched in criminal culture, that eradicating him from this earth would be the greatest thing that Holmes has ever done?! I bet he eats babies.

But wait a moment.

"Aye, there's the genius and the wonder of the thing!" he cried. "The man pervades London, and no one has heard of him.”

Huh. That's a good point, Holmes. Why have you never mentioned him? Well, I mean obviously, he must have just recently discovered who Moriarty was. The spider that tweaks the web, hidden behind the scenes! How cunning, how masterful, how...

“For years I have endeavored to break through the veil which shrouded it, and at last the time came when I seized my thread and followed it, until it led me, after a thousand cunning windings, to ex-Professor Moriarty of mathematical celebrity.”

Well, I guess that's sort of what I just...

“You know my powers, my dear Watson, and yet at the end of three months I was forced to confess that I had at last met an antagonist who was my intellectual equal.”

Huh.

It sounds like a really slight thing to complain about because, well, why would he have mentioned this odious presence to his most trusted friend and compa... okay, well, why would Watson have bothered to share the ramblings of a cocaine addicted genius with the world? Holmes makes a good point at the opening to both denigrate Moriarty while at the same time lamenting the futility of going after Moriarty; in fact, he mentions a direct encounter with the man that was immediately followed by several attempts on his life. Shocking! Harrowing! And if this were the first in a series of a stories where Holmes and Watson track down this genius to his lair, then the feeling of dread that so permeates this passage would really work. Holmes describes all the secret, cunning things that Moriarty does and then Watson—and by extension, the reader—get to see with their own eyes exactly what sort of secret cunning things they are.

Instead they decide to take a vacation to Switzerland because that's where Moriarty is going. Quick, Watson! Pack a muffler!

It is here, in the spaces where they begin to travel, where the reader is given an opportunity to really get a sense of what sort of danger these two beloved men are in. Or, you know, Holmes could make Watson travel in several different carriages and then show up dressed as a priest.

"Every precaution is still necessary," he whispered. "I have reason to think that they are hot upon our trail. Ah, there is Moriarty himself."The train had already begun to move as Holmes spoke. Glancing back, I saw a tall man pushing his way furiously through the crowd, and waving his hand as if he desired to have the train stopped. It was too late, however, for we were rapidly gathering momentum, and an instant later had shot clear of the station.”

Look Watson! It is the dude I have mentioned once, but you have never seen! Right there! No, I swear that's him. Oh hey, did you read the paper? No? Good. I-I mean!

"Have you seen the morning paper, Watson?""No.""You haven't' seen about Baker Street, then?""Baker Street?""They set fire to our rooms last night. No great harm was done.""Good heavens, Holmes! this is intolerable."

Oh my gaaaaawd they totally set fire to our old apartment. No, really! Are you buying this?

At this point, I'm ready to nominate Holmes for the title Best Troll of All. And then we get to hear about their vacation!

“It was on the 3d of May that we reached the little village of Meiringen, where we put up at the Englischer Hof, then kept by Peter Steiler the elder.”

Oh my gaaaaaawd.

So Holmes informs Watson that apparently—no, really, I promise—the police managed to arrest everybody in Moriarty's gang besides, you know, Moriarty. So Holmes very astutely suggests that Moriarty has little left to live for beside attempting to kill Holmes, and that maybe Watson could just go back to London. Come on, help a bro out. Watson refuses because duh, and so they take a merry jaunt through the mountains of Switzerland.

I am not joking, okay? The rest of the story is a description of the Reichenbach Falls, where they end up—a swirling vortex of death!—and commentary on the establishment. WHERE ARE ALL THE BITS WHERE MORIARTY IS SCARY?

It doesn't happen. Holmes sees Moriarty (Watson is graced only with the sight of his retreating back) and heads off to meet him and never returns. And that's it. Watson discovers, some time later, the evidence of a struggle and concludes that both Holmes and Moriarty plunged off a cliff into the falls.

The end?

Well no, because Holmes isn't really dead. Sir Arthur got such a backlash from his fans that he eventually decided to bring Holmes back to life. Trust me: it's dumb too. Just like Moriarty.

Skyrim Has Eaten My Brain Part 2

2011-12-07T22:52:00.003-05:00

Picking up where our stalwart hero and mistress of burning things down left off, I am currently standing at the edge of a desolate, frozen lake, having just barely escaped the sinking mines after successfully killing the former guild-master. I have been tasked by one of the other Nightingales to take the key--It is a Special Key--back to where it belongs. It's some sort of god thing. She can't do it because she 'is afraid to'. "Also you're the protagonist, duh" she didn't say, but I can read between the lines.

Mount up Shadowmere! We must sally forth and-- yes, I'll wait.

Sorry, everyone. We have to wait for my horse to hunt down and murder every single fucking fox in the entire forest.

I don't know, he has a thing against foxes.

And we're off!

Just to round it all off, I have met the spirit of the dead guy who started this whole thing. He was thrilled to see that I had The Key so that everything could be returned to normal.

That's so sweet! Well, take it then!

Hahahahaha.

I keep forgetting that I'm the protagonist, which means that I do everything.

Some people would just hire help for this shit, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Okay, fine. I'll walk the bloody Pilgrim's Path and return The Key. But I won't like it!

Oh, good. Riddles. This gets more and more like Baldur's Gate.

Anyone who has played Baldur's Gate will know that I am giving Skyrim the highest praise possible.

I am searching through ruins that have not been disturbed in 25 years, and I have found a tomato. That's... okay, then.

I mean, I guess ghosts can store their fruit wherever they like.

I have over 22,000 gold and still I will stop and pick up three individual gold pieces off the ground. Skyrim has taught me that I'm a Scrooge.

So this part of the riddle tells me that I have to give something to this giant statue. Huh. Well, I have lots of things. I wonder what happens if I choose incorrectly?

Nothing happens. Disappointing.

IT IS MY DARK GODDESS!

I BOW BEFORE YOU, OH MISTRESS OF TWILIGHT!

YOU SURE SEEM TO BE PRETTY NUDE THOUGH.

NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING,YOU CAN BE AS NUDE AS YOU LIKE.

And that's it for me, the thieves guild is taken care of. What next?

While scrolling through my quest list, I noticed that I have a quest given to me by a madman. Uh, excuse me? Why haven't I started this one yet?

Onward!

A crazy old man wants me to break into the Imperial Palace to beg his master to come back from vacation. To help me, he has given me the hip bones of a dead guy. I'm excited!

Okay, I have broken into the unused section of the castle. Easy enough.

OH JEEZE IT'S BASKET HEAVEN.

Now I know where absolutely everyone in Skyrim stores their unused baskets.

What, wait. What? Who did the what, now?

I was standing in the middle of a dust old corridor, and now I'm standing in the middle of a forest clearing. There is a guy sitting at a table covered in food that... can I steal it?

I can.

Hold on, just one moment.

*burp*

This guy is ranting and raving and almost certainly a god of some kind.

Also his accent keeps changing between Irish and Scottish. A true mark of the mad!

He informed me that I am currently standing in the mental landscape of a dead, insane king.

Or an insane, dead king. I suppose it depends on which part you want to focus on.

Um.

Crazy god suggested that I use a Wabbajack to get out. While I was laughing at his joke he handed me a, well, a Wabbajack.

I am getting a really heavy Alice in Wonderland suggestion, here. If I run into a talking rabbit then I will kill it and eat it.

A test of wits, with my Wabbajack!

I want that to go on my gravestone, for the record.

The voice actor's line was 'harrumph' and he was going to be damned if he didn't say that exact word.

Have you ever heard a person SAY harrumph? Try it.

Hehehehe, it's a tiny little man.

Hehehehe, but he has a grown man's voice!

Hahahaha shut up crazy god, I'm busy talking to the little man.

There's no way to make that sequence any stranger. I am not totally convinced that it wasn't an after-affect of my new medication.

Side effects may include headache, drowsiness, and hallucinating that a man dressed like the Joker will ask you whether his beard is ready for travel.

Since I'm already in the Imperial City, I think I'll take the time to go and crash a party.

I got a guy drunk and convinced him to make a scene for me. Just like a real party.

"Sneak by all those guards" fuck you, I'll sneak when I wanna.

Besides, I haven't reached my quota of burning things yet today.

BACKSTAB BONUS MULTIPLYER, BITCHES!

Okay, so maybe I was sneaking a LITTLE.

What a supremely pointless quest. I snuck into a party, murdered some guards and looted a bunch of files just to learn that nobody has any clearer idea of what's going on than I do.

In fact, the notes I found were just the words "OH GOD A DRAGON" written over and over.

Now I have to go and find a crazy old man. My life is just filled with crazy old men right now.

These tunnels are simply crawling with evil elves who, by the way, do little to endear themselves to people.

They're trying to find the old man too. I have one thing they don't--a quest marker.

I convinced the man that I am the Dragonborn by telling him that I am the Dragonborn. These people are too trusting by half.

"After you, Dragonborn. You should have the honor of being the first to step into the temple." It's good to be the protagonist.

I'm going to stop this writeup here, since I'm doing a main story quest. I'll return when I'm setting up to be the leader of the bard's college.

Skyrim Has Eaten My Brain

2011-12-07T02:35:00.000-05:00

So that write up of Fatal Frame, do you remember that? I certainly don't. Why? Because I've bought Skyrim! Yes, like many others before me, Skyrim has eaten what little spare time and willpower I have left. To compensate--and pretend like I'm useful--I've done a small post about it. A teaser, if you will.

~~

Skyrim, a fictional fantasy world filled with dragons. A person can be the hero of legend, the Dragonborn, able to use a secret lost magic that many thought dead, head of the assassin's guild, head of the thieves guild, or Arch-mage of the school of magic.

Sorry, did I say 'or'? I meant 'and' since I am all of those things.

Yes, I am the protagonist in a open-world RPG, which means that I am allowed to be the leader of all the things.

Luckily many of those positions don't require much in the way of administrative work, so I spend most of my time in the countryside killing bears.

To recap my recent escapades, I talked my way into a dwarven museum, killed half the guards and set a researcher's nephew on fire, all so I could get a peek at his research notes. I escaped by diving into a waterfall, stopping only to chat with the local blacksmiths.

SKYRIM!

The backstory to all of this is that the guildmaster of the thieves guild has done something shady, and I have to find out what, exactly, that thing was. It doesn't really matter, it's all in the interest of making me the guildmaster.

Skyrim hint number one: if you meet the head of an organization, don't trust or get too fond of them. You're going to be heading that organization soon, and the story demands their death in order for that to happen.

I am also the head of the assassin's guild, as I mentioned. The previous guildmaster caught on fire. It was unrelated to the sudden rash of everyone else in Skyrim catching on fire, which IS related to me.

Being guildmaster to the assassins means two things: I get a spectral assassin that follows me around, and I get a demonic horse.

I am wandering the countryside riding a horse with fiery eyes, followed by a ghost who constantly mutters to himself.

I am the epitome of blending in.

Oh, and sometimes my head disappears. Onwards!

Skyrim has just taught me how to pronounce the word 'sepulcher'. I've always wondered.

I am preparing to meet the double-double-cross agent in the... in the place where the thieves guild is? Huh. This bodes well.

Yeah, that is EXACTLY what she wants to do. "I think some of these people are beginning to suspect who I am" she muttered to me as I entered. No shit, you think?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Everybody just jam a brake up yer arse for a second here.

So I was peeking at some research notes because a guy who was murdered (not by me) (for once) left clues as to who and why he was murdered in his journal, but he wrote it in a language that is almost completely dead. Like latin, but spoken by weird gollum creatures.

At any rate, I found the translation guide and a friend of the double-double-cross agent (who is secretly good) that I'm working with translated it. Everybody with me so far?

Me either.

But the POINT is that this journal is unreadable, and that the only reason we know what it says is because someone has scrawled some notes on a sheet of paper, yeah?

Notes that don't NECESSARILY correlate to the actual diary. Notes that double-double-cross agent and I are CLAIMING correlate.

Yet we march into the thieves guild and everybody believes us straight away.

"Oh no! They have NOTES!"

It's immediately backed up by the fact that the vault was empty. Just like we said it would be! I mean, it's not like we could have emptied it...

Too trusting for thieves.

I love it when random people talk shit to me.

Did I forget to mention that I can say words that cause things to happen?

Like magic but LOUD.

FUS

RO

DAH

And all your cutlery is all over the floor.

I mean, not just cutlery. That would be a pretty useless dragon-language spell if all it did was disturb forks.

No, I am capable of disturbing the position of any number of items.

I am now tasked with breaking into the house of the (presumably former) thieves guildmaster to figure out where he's gone. This means finding a magical quill at the bottom of a lake so I can excuse the debt of the man who is guarding the house I'm trying to break into, so I can break into it.

SKYRIM!!

And the first thing that happened once I left the city is that a dragon attacked.

I FEAR NO WINGED BEAST.

But apparently some cat-people got singed (heh heh) by one of my fireball blasts, so then they attacked me.

Idiots. I was clearly in the middle of killing a dragon.

Well, no matter. They didn't remain stupid for long.

BECAUSE I KILLED THEM AND LOOTED THEIR CORPSES.

People in this game are just hungry for death.

"Oh it's the protagonist! Let's attempt to kill her. Say, does it look like I'm on fire to you?"

Okay, I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just... and he's dead.

RELOAD.

Once more. I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just go to the OTHER gate and talk to him. That's right. Come here, lad. There's a good boy.

And there are random bandits in the house. Well, were.

Do dee do do dee doo.

That's my lootin' song.

Huh. So it appears as if I'm being prepared to be inducted into a secret group that worships some sort of twilight god. I wonder if I should tell them about the other secret group I'm a part of? The one that worships the murder god.

Oh god, what if the gods met each other at a party!

SO EMBARRASSING.

"The dark elf Magdalene serves as my Listener, hearing my instructions through my earthly servant, the corpse of the beloved mother." "That's funny, I have a similar dark elf named Magdalene who is one of three members of my extremely secret worshipp... HEY!"

Oh, Magdalene, you cad.

Come Shadowmere! Let us ride to our secret induction. Try not the summon the demons of hell again, please.

I'm being inducted along with the thief who has a bad scottish accent. I like him.

"Active the Armor Stone."

Activate the Armor Stone.

Activate the Armor Stone?!

I suppose there's worse workarounds to the problem of 'this place has been locked up for centuries but somehow we'll still have armor for you'.

But ACTIVATE THE BLOODY ARMOR STONE?

Come on.

I think I like this cult better. At least it doesn't mean that I have to have conversations with a desiccated corpse.

Get on the ball, assassin god.

Welp, guess who's the guildmaster now.

All that's left to do is to hunt down the former guildmaster and stab him in the eyeballs.

The game doesn't say that directly. I inferred it.

Uh, Skyrim? What pissed in your cornflakes?

I hate the Falmer so much.

Falmer are subterranean elves that went so underground that they lost the ability to see. So they're gollums, but slightly more likely to sneer at your clothes.

AND I HATE THEM.

I have two companions for this quest. They keep getting stuck on the scenery.

GUYS. Come and help me with these spiders, please.

I'm your fearless leader, and I need help with these sp-sp-spiders.

Oh, nevermind. Turns out that wildly flinging fireballs at them while weeping does in fact work.

This chick is really interested in reminding me to stay as quiet as possible. Not as interested as she is in screaming at things, but...

NOCTURNAL TAKE YOU! I STRIKE AT YOU FROM THE SHADOWS! WOW, IS THAT AN ECHO?

ECHO-O-O-o-o-o-

AUGH GOD WHY IS THIS SO LONG

I did not record the trials of the vanishing save point, lest the reader be bored to tears. Suffice it to say that when I finally defeated former guildleader, it was with no small amount of pleasure.

FIREBALL TO THE FACE, BITCH.

I have been tasked with returning something to the night goddess I apparently worship now. After that whole dungeon, this subsection of quests STILL isn't finished?

Well I am. That's all for now.

One Sentence Synopsis: Silent Hill Homecoming

2011-11-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.

Silent Hill: Homecoming: It Is Done.

2011-11-09T22:46:00.002-05:00

The 'new game' on the title screen always amuses me. Haha Silent Hill! That will never happen.

So, Alex, if you can jump across that huge gap between buildings, why couldn't you FUCKING CLEAR THAT JUMP IN THE HELL HOTEL, HUH?

You thought you could distract me from the cult members sneaking up on me with the sounds of machinery, did you? WELL THINK AGAIN.

Bam bam, motherfuckers.

Seriously, this room is really loud. I really don't think this is up to OSHA standards.

Alex grunts like he's in a bad porn. C'mon Alex, just take your pants off.

Actually, don't. Please.

The streets have gotten a lot... oh, what's the word? Bitier? Yes.

I'm yet again in a cemetery. This wall wants to know if I'd like to breach it.

Hell yes!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends!

These smoke monsters should be used in anti-smoking PSAs.

"I'm dead. Don't smoke."

Health drink sitting on a dumpster. That's... healthy.

Maybe I have the wrong idea about all these things crawling out of the sewers.

"I heard you running past and I Wanted to pop out and see if OH GOD MY SKULL."

Just a big misunderstanding.

I am getting really, really discouraged by the fact that there is a prison level. Maybe it will secretly be good, like the sewer level.

Maybe.

Right?

Racist caricature is shouting at me over the walkie talkie again.

"WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'M IN CELL BLOCK B!" "OKAY YOU STAY THERE AND I'LL COME FIND YOU!" "OKAY I HOPE THEY DON'T GET ME BEFORE YOU DO!" "JUST LAY LOW!"

It's a match made in heaven.

Finally, found a map.

Would you look at this. Oh no, it's so huge!

Oh, sorry, I was looking through my porn collection again. Where was I?

What the fuck?

I shot a cult member in the head and apparently it caused him to defecate, because that was NOT the noise a dying man makes.

I really suspect the instructions to the foley artist for that were not "morning poo" but goddamn if he didn't have a vision.

Did I mention that the racist caricature is a cop? Because the game wants to make sure that you remember that.

A giant hell beast comes crashing through the ceiling. "You cuff him" intones my not-quite-politically-correct friend "and I'll read him his rights."

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I hate this game.

I'm a little relieved to find out that the morass of wires and switches isn't a puzzle that I have to solve, but a thing that only the racist caricature can control. I am less pleased that now he won't stop fucking talking to me.

A shower room!

And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.

Holy giant flesh spiders, Batman!

I really don't think this place is up to code.

I don't know how you managed to make a hell prison filled with horrors boring Homecoming, but kudos to you for the achievement.

Mom?

Come on mom, this isn't the time to be playing Jesus.

Little spoiler here: from this point forward, I'll be allowed to make a series of decisions that will affect the ending of the game. This is the first one: mom is tied to a rack, Torgo acting all over the place. Should I put her out of her misery, or let the hellish machine rip her apart while I hide in a corner and whimper?

Too late, I've already decided.

BULLET IN YOUR HEAD, MOM.

This is the one time where the descent into hell actually makes sense.

Is that a giant green booger in a cage?

No, I'm sorry. It's a giant green booger in a cage that is also a puzzle.

I think hell prison is actually tidier than the normal prison.

THE MAN WHO DEVISED IT
DOES NOT WANT IT
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT IT
DOES NOT USE IT
THE MAN WHO USED IT
DOES NOT REALIZE IT

Everybody, all together now!

IT'S A FUCKING COFFIN.

The next puzzle is gonna ask me what stands on four legs in the morning...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Ewwwwwww!

Booger monster is dripping black blood into the hole I'm meant to jump in. I don't want to jump in that hole!

Alex and the fat man.

Squeeze through that tiny opening, fat man!

Yes, it's very comical.

Sorry, racist caricature is also fat.

Is

Is that

It is!

It's the human centipede!

Now I'm a little curious as to which came first.

Hahahahahahaha

Alex is riding the human centipede monster like he's at a fleshy rodeo.

Giddyup!

Oh good, I'm at the creepy Silent Hill brambles church.

IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE ISN'T IT WITH THE BRAMBLES AND SUCH

A man is in the confessional and mistakes me for a priest. Oh-ho, now we're a wacky 80s comedy.

Wait.

WAIT.

The man confesses that he had two sons--one that he treated well and one that he treated poorly. He treated the one son poorly to 'protect him from what must be done' and he wants forgiveness.

That's my dad, isn't it?

That's my dad and he was going to sacrifice me.

I KNEW IT WAS SOME FUCKING CULT THING.

I am slightly more inclined to believe that Alex is former military after he survived that two-story fall.

OH MY FUCKING GOD ALEX RUN

NO FUCKING

NO RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION

YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE RUN

Wait, maybe that wasn't dad. Here he is hanging from a railing.

Uuuuuuuuuh.

HAHAHAHAH

I FUCKING CALLED IT.

ALEX WASN'T IN THE MILITARY, HE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.

HAHAHAHAHA actually that explains a lot.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit. Sorry dad!

Dad just got skewered by Pyramid Head.

Go and chase after Pyramid Head! He's contracted to appear in this at least three times.

These stairs never end. Do you remember Mario64, where the stairs up to Bowser would just go on and on unless you'd collected enough stars? I don't think Alex has collected enough stars.

Huh.

In previous Silent Hill games the motives behind the town--as a living entity, which it is--tended to be... well, not spelled out.

This game says fuck all that!

Yeah.

So the four founding members of the town of Shepherd's Glen made a pact with... something for their protection from the something that's in Silent Hill, where they came from. They were required, once every 50 years, to kill one of their children.

Fair enough, I suppose. I know I'd trust an entity that's agreed to protect me from evil by being slightly less evil.

Alex was supposed to be the sacrifice for his family, but his father couldn't do it. And that's when the... something from Silent Hill unleashed hell on the town?

So they all decided to go back to worshipping the... something from Silent Hill instead.

And then a bitchy lady stuck a drill in my leg.

It's okay, I returned the favour.

I was off by about four feet, though.

DRILL THROUGH THE SKULL.

A question for anyone who has played all of the Silent Hill games. Is the big evil thing in the town something that they accidentally mined up? Cause I'm really getting the sense that it's something they mined up.

Also this book rather explicitly told me.

The game has rewarded me for hoarding all my ammo and health items by stripping me of all my ammo and health items. Cheers!

So I'm in this underground cult place, yeah? It's all infested with cult members who I have to fight because they charge me when they see me and chase me around. They're not avoidable.

And all I have is a knife because the game is a cunt and has taken all my belongings from me. Scary, right?

When I target a cult member and quick attack it (A, A, A) he'll circle around me. The third quick attack knocks him back enough so he can't attack, and then it starts again.

stab, stab, stab, step back, stab, stab, stab

Until he's dead.

HORROR

TERROR

The best part? If there's two of them, the one you're not engaged with will stand back a bit.

"Oooooh, there's a bit of a fight here, what?"

It's Curtis the junkyard dude again! Hey Curtis!

Curtis, why are you menacing my ex-girlfriend with a rusty saw?

OOOOOOOOOOH.

Damn Curtis, I thought we had something special!

Curtis went to the same training camp as the other cult members.

Saw blades can't protect you from my killer moves, Curtis!

Stab, stab, stab

I've rescued annoying ex-girlfriend. That means there are many more door puzzles in my future.

Yeeeeeeeup.

HOT WHEEL TURNING ACTION.

Ex-girlfriend doesn't follow me into certain rooms. Like, you know, the room where I shoved a drill through her mom's skull.

That'd make the 'thank god we didn't die' sex really awkward.

RACIST CARICATURE!!

ooooooooh jeez. Um. Should I... should I pull those knives out or... jeez.

The game gives me the option of saving him or leaving him to his grisly fate. I elected to save him. Now he won't stop gurgling.

Jesus dude, I gave you a whole medkit. what else do you want?

I've tasked annoying ex to take care of racist caricature while I go and rescue Josh, the ungrateful whoreson.

"Be careful" she whispers "I can't lose you too."

I nod, knowingly.

Yeah baby, I know it.

Body bags! Body bags! What do you think's in these body bags! Is it dead! Bodies or... not.

To be sung to the tune of Spiderman, duh.

I've entered what is clearly a chamber of some sort.

Sorry, a Chamber.

DUN DUN DUUUUN

Wait a moment. I'm in Silent Hill, right? These are the infamous Silent Hill mines. So why is there a chamber dedicated to the Shepherd's Glen founding members?

I mean, they left the town and needed to be protected from the horrible gods of Silent Hill. Wouldn't they be thought of as cast-outs?

It's the Exposition Chamber.

Boy, Alex sure gets into a lot of places with that ceremonial knife. You wouldn't think they'd just leave that laying around.

Alex, why is it taking you so long to read this plaque?

And you're using your forefinger to trace the... oh, Alex.

Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of.

Flashback time!

Oh.

OH.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

Alex killed Josh.

Josh is dead.

Fuck.

Well, I was half right.

Also, good. Little brat.

I think it's the final boss!

OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?

It's a baby with mechanical spider legs.

I give up. Show's over. There's nothing worse than this.

It's a fucking baby with mechanical fucking spider legs.

This is the most boring, idiotic, abysmal, repetitive boss fight that ever existed.

God didn't give you a dodge button so you could douche around, Alex.

Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't a giant baby. It was a pregnant baby. And it gave birth to Josh.

Um, are you just gonna leave your brother's corpse there, Alex?

Litterbug.

So, um.

So Alex mentions to loads of people throughout the game that he's there to save Josh. Did no one think to remind him that Josh was murdered?

By, you know, him?

It doesn't matter because he limps off into the grey fog with annoying ex-girlfriend!

And I, for some reason, unlocked the Big Rig Alex costume.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Gay jokes!

The end.

Silent Hill: Homecoming: Will My Torment Ever End?

2011-11-06T20:45:00.003-05:00

For continuity, the first post can be found here
The second post can be found here
And the third post here

So in my last play through the split face monsters--who, thankfully, don't look like vaginas--swarmed around me and beat me up and called me several unflattering names. It's now a month later. Have the wounds healed enough?

I think I've purposely forgotten how to play this game.

So these monsters can rip me in half. I'm actually impressed by that.

Run run run run RUN

The feeling of terror inspired by a creepy atmosphere and terrifying imagery has been replaced by the feeling of terror inspired by the fear that I'm going to die and have to redo this frankly impossible section. Those two are basically the same thing, right?

Mini-boss time! It's a giant lumbering mish-mash of random body parts. When you kill it, you get an achievement called "Shades of James". Ha-ha!

Oooooh man, it's funny when developers attempt to improve their shitty game by constantly referencing superior games.

Now annoying ex-girlfriend is with me. She has a gun, right? Or a knife? She's capable of defending herself. This isn't a escort mission, right?

Okay, now she's cowering. This doesn't bode well.

Has anyone played Half-Life 2? Do you remember Alyx Vance, who will kill the zombies for you as you shine your torch on them? Annoying ex-girlfriend in this game does something similar. If the zombies attack her--and they do--then she'll cower helplessly and whimper. Yay!

Do not think I won't just leave this bitch to die.

Also, she's carrying around a stack of missing persons flyers. You know what? In a town overrun by hell, I'm not sure the missing people would be my first concern.

I wonder where the people are! Well, taken away by the hell demons, I imagine. Speaking of which, what's up with that?

There's a hole in the wall with dead people sticking out of it. I understand that this is creepy, but it looks like someone was attempting to excavate dead people from the walls.

Maybe I've been playing too much minecraft.

"Oooooh, nice vein of dead people right here. Anybody bring an iron pickaxe?"

I had to leave her and go find another gate to go through. I bet she's tweeting about it right now.

"N the sewers lol hop I dun die :))))"

Alex, every time you grunt like an ape when you're just stepping up a small incline, a nearby hell-beast has an orgasm.

Did the army teach you to make so much noise all the damn time, you lumbering hippo?

I just restarted a section because I didn't use my bullets effectively. See, this is engaging gameplay!

Spider monster out of nowhere! That was genuinely scary, I jumped and everything!

Can it be? Is the game redeeming itself in the sewer level?

A giant, placid, grey, underground lake. Worrisome.

If this game ends up becoming really good, then what will I do?

The only monster that's getting tossed at me are the spider monsters, which are difficult but not impossible. I am feeling a warmth in my black heart.

A giant crypt room with holes in the walls. Ominous.

And annoying ex-girlfriend gets stuck in a room by herself again. Idiot.

You know what? I'm going to let that one go, game. It's a perfectly reasonable move to make to seperate characters, and it projects the fact that there's probably a battle coming up. Okay? But only this once.

THREE SPIDERS YOU ASSHOLE WHAT?

Hahahaha, it turns out that they can't reach me if I stand on the derelict car. I'm the king of the world!

Wait, false alarm. Still Alex.

And they topped it off with one of those body creatures, who still can't reach me on the car. Hahahahahaha!

Growing out the back of this creature is a pair of lady's legs. Are they... are they wearing ballet shoes?

Oh god, I think they are.

I'm in the post-hell invasion landscape of this ruined town, and I still can't bring myself to walk anywhere but the sidewalk.

I'm such a good citizen.

This also means I've emerged from the sewers. Will the game continue it's not that bad streak?

HEEEEEEEEEEEY racist caricature is still alive! HEEEEEEEY and annoying ex-girlfriend has been dragged off by demons! Looks like the good streak continues.

It's the mysterious Doctor Finch! Dripping blood and limping along. That seems reasonable.

Alex sees that the doctor is carrying a rusty scalpel and is covered in blood. He naturally assumes that the doctor has hurt his ex-girlfriend. In a town filled with demons?

Alex isn't the brightest bulb in the box.

One, two, three, four, five sexy nurses! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Fuck you game.

I used all my bullets for the sexy nurses.

What just happened?

He opens a box, finds a doll, and faints.

Oh, and now we're in hell.

And theeeeere's Josh. I'm starting to notice a trend in this game.

So I'm in a hospital, in hell. Gosh, that seems familiar.

Also this game's version of hell seems more like a smelting factory.

The demons make cross beams for high-rises. When they're not invading sleepy Pennsylvania towns, they have a quota to reach.

Playing this level makes me realize something: Somebody has watched the Silent Hill movie.

At any moment I'll pass by a window. Through it I will see Sean Bean sitting at a table, drinking a coffee. He'll look up, wave, and turn into Pyramid Head.

That's when the dancing starts.

Josh running away from me in hell count: 3.

Even the most dedicated brother would shoot him at this point.

Just in the back of the leg, you know? Slow him down a little.

You're really not changing my opinion of the whole smelting thing here, game.

Satan's the foreman. He'll shout at me over the din of the machinery.

"Ain't seen no kids around here, son. You best be off, now."

Satan is a good foreman. Tough, but fair.

He pushes his hard hat back on his head as a quivering vagina monster with teeth slinks by in the background.

The vagina monster's on break. Don't worry.

"The exit?" he says, surprised "It's just past the puzzle with the rusted fans, through the door that screams while you cut it open."

#NaNoWriMo2011

Josh running away from me in hell count: 4

In case it isn't obvious, absolutely nothing is happening in this game right now.

I spoke too soon.

Doctor Fitch is kneeling in an empty room, cutting himself. I offer to patch him up. "I don't want your help!" he hisses "These wounds cannot heal."

You know what? I laughed at that.

Oh shit!

That's gonna leave a mark.

Boss battle! So each boss is the hellish representation of a child of one of the prominent townsfolk, right? This one is a demon doll. The daughter loved dolls. Do you get it?

Subtle.

I really have to watch this cutscene multiple times just so I can get to the boss that keeps killing me. I may never be able to look a pair of boxer briefs in the eye again.

Y-you know what I mean.

DIE BITCH

AAAAAAAAAAAUGH

I finished the boss battle with literally the minimum required amount of health left. Time to run away from everything.

Run away! Run away! Run away!

AAAAAH SAVE POINT

I died immediately after saving, and when I restarted I was given half my life back. Thanks, game. I guess you don't have to suck all of my balls.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this a cult thing?

I found a ceremonial knife and some ancient texts. This is a cult thing, isn't it?

Something about asking forgiveness from the city founders. I have never been so into a city that I've been willing to join a devil cult over it.

Maybe I'm missing a lot by not attending the city council meetings.

"Next on our agenda is the issue of who gets to preside over the virgin sacrifice."

Vote Paul Smith for mayor, and he won't have your children ripped to pieces by monsters.

I made my way through a maze that ended in a sparse office underneath a tomb. Life has gotta suck for that secretary.

"Oh, you know, the pay is good, but I come home every day smelling like corpses."

"And then I woke up last night and the cat was trying to eat my face."

"...of course, he's a cat so it's hard to tell if that's abnormal."

I'm just casually running past all the monsters now.

"Morning smog monster!" "Morning Alex! How's the family?" "Still dead!"

And I'm back in the cemetary. Brilliant. I'm going to need a beer for this.

I've finally made it back home. Mom is still sitting in that chair. The game won't let me shoot her.

All of the hidden doors in this series are covered by empty bookshelves. I guess cultists all use the same interior designers.

I can't avoid saying it any longer. Everyone in this game has chiclet teeth.

Fuck you game, a sliding puzzle?

Fuuuuuuck yooooooh wait I solved it.

Huh.

So mom was kidnapped by gasmask wearing dudes. As they were trying to leave the house, we entered hell.

I've never actually seen anyone besides the protagonist enter hell before.

They looked pretty pissed about it too.

My house has turned into a hell foundry.

The secret to what happens after we die is that we all become blue-collar workers.

AIEEEEE

That is a pretty elaborate hell chandelier, actually.

Forget the puzzles, I'm really digging that chandelier. Very post-industrial modern.

I mean, you wouldn't want to hang it just anywhere. It would have to be a really open space, for one.

Oh, right, Silent Hill.

Great. Of all the puzzle houses, mine has to be the worst.

Hehehe, that monster was stabbed in the butt.

There's a lot of vaguely sinister writing on the walls in hell. I wonder if some demon has that job.

"Okay Timinour, and today you're on graffiti duty." "Oh but Sataaaaaaan."

I am free from hell. YAY!

And there's the ex-girlfriend. GOD DAMN IT.

That's it. We're going to Silent Hill.

Dun dun DUUUUN.

Now, let's discuss a little Silent Hill history. In Silent Hill 2 towards the end of the game, James has to row across the fog-covered lake to get to the hotel. It's easily the creepiest, most genuinely horrifying part of the game--you, the player, are rowing across this desolate lake after being literally to hell and back, no sound but your oars hittig the water. With each stroke, you become more convinced that a horrible demon that you're ill prepared to fight is going to come rising up out of the water. In THIS game, we're taking a police boat across the lake towards Silent Hill--the apex of all evil, remember?--and we get a cutscene where Alex and and his ex flirt a bit. See the difference?

And in this absolutely not at all scary cutscene, the suspicion actually pays off when we get attacked by gas masks again. Good job!

Alex takes a punch pretty well, right up to the point where he rolls into the water. Good one, Alex!

Hey Alex, why don't you yell some more? I bet the gas mask wearing cult members are having a really difficult time finding you.

Racist caricature and annoying ex-girlfriend are both in prison, but for some reason racist caricature hasn't had his walkie talkie lifted off him. That makes it really handy for Alex, who likes to broadcast where he is every single step of the way.

"I'M AT THE PRISON GATE! IT'S LOCKED! I NEED TO FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE! I'LL SNEAK AROUND THERE!"

Cheers, mate.

Oh my god.

This game has twice directly referenced the Silent Hill movie.

I spit upon you, ptui ptui.

Edit: on this second to last Silent Hill Homecoming post, I want to take the opportunity to announce that I am planning on doing a series of video game story posts. To that end, I would like to announce the winner of the "Which Game Is Alisa Going To Inflict Upon Herself Next?" poll.

Drum roll please.

It's... FATAL FRAME II!

Woooooo.

Sherlock Holmes and the No Good, Very Bad Day

2011-11-01T00:23:00.001-04:00

In this special, super, fun, exciting, fantastic... hold on, let me get my thesaurus.

...THRILLING Halloween blog post, I was torn between playing more Silent Hill: Homecoming or going back to my Sherlock Holmes roots. What ultimately decided me is that I absolutely despise Silent Hill: Homecoming, and Sherlock Holmes is great.

Tonight we're going to tackle The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire, in true horror fashion. There's a twist—any time anything happens that makes me roll my eyes, I'm going to raid my daughter's candy bag.

So.

Sherlock Holmes, just like every other person, is suffering the ill effects of a depressed economy: he hasn't had a proper case in months. I mean yes, it certainly gives him plenty of time to be dour and attractive, but cocaine and tobacco don't exactly buy themselves. On the brink of joining the Occupy Wall Street movement—Occupy Canary Wharf, I suppose—he accepts a case involving vampirism. Can you imagine? I'm breaking out the tent just thinking about it.

He receives a letter from a solicitor's office, explaining that they had received a request from what is presumably a client of theirs, concerning vampires. Being a solicitor's office, they naturally forwarded the letter on to Holmes, and then sat in their office and stared at the wall for a while.

Holmes' reaction, being Holmes, is to scoff at the concept of supernatural beliefs and then immediately ask Watson to research vampires for him.

As they're discussing the necessity of taking a case that hinges on such an idiotic concept—and arguing about how they're going to buy dinner, I assume—Holmes realizes that he has a second letter, written by the gentlemen who, for some reason, asked a fucking lawyer for help with vampires.

Warning: the rest of this story has just so, so much racism in it.

The gentleman in question is writing on behalf of his 'friend'. I'm not sure why so many people in Holmes stories come to him needing help for a 'friend' when any small amount of research would make it obvious that they are talking about themselves. You know, the sort of research that a detective would do, over the course of attempting to solve a case. The case that they brought to him.

The story could essentially end with the letter, as Holmes basically solves the case and then uses it as an excuse to wander around Sussex for a while. This man has married a Peruvian woman, and in a letter that he is writing to a stranger (while he is pretending that he is writing about a 'friend') he admits that he is possibly not so much in love with his wife as he once was, given that she is foreign and all. I am not making this up.

“The lady was very beautiful, but the fact of her foreign birth and alien religion always caused a separation of interests and feelings between husband and wife, so that after a time his love may have cooled towards her, and he may have come to regard their union as a mistake.”

Fantastic! Really, you would think that this is the sort of thing that two people would hammer out before marrying and having a child, but who am I to say? After all, she is a pretty lady.

In this charming household of ill-disguised disharmony and contempt, there is a small baby and an older son, from a previous marriage. The older son was crippled due to an illness as a child, and subsequently can walk, but not well. And his father was recently remarried to a younger, attractive woman and now has a perfect, beautiful baby in the house? Okay, then.

The wife, in her scary foreign ways, has twice been discovered sucking at the baby's neck—where there is a large, unexplained wound—when no one else is around. The house is in a state over this, as can be imagined, especially given that she refuses to explain why she would do something so very creepy. Her husband decides that the only reasonable explanation is that she is a vampire. She is, after all, foreign, and probably has a suspicious accent.

Also she looks like this.

Based on these glittering qualifications, Holmes decides to take the case. Now, the majority of the story is Watson writing about how scary and spooky and ethereal the wife looks, in all her vampire glory, so let's just go ahead and establish that there are no vampires in Sussex. I mean, there might be vampires in Sussex now, I can't really say. Nor am I interested. Please don't send me your pamphlets. But there aren't any vampires in this particular house in Sussex—just a scared lady, her racist husband, several maids that either talk too much or not nearly enough, an extremely confused baby, and a surly teenager. Have you guessed yet? In addition, they learn that the teenager is completely devoted to his father, but absolutely despises and is despised by his step-mother. Really? Are you getting it?

Holmes and Watson make their way to Cheeseman's... wait, what? Is that really what this village is called?

There's even a Mount Cheeseman in New Zealand. Brilliant!

Anyway, they make their way to this absolutely not hilariously named village in order to have a poke around and stare at the local signs a bit. Holmes talks to the maids and talks to the villagers and talks to the teenager and talks to the fucking cows and it's the older son, all right?

The older son has been shooting—shooting, mind you, with a dart gun—poisoned darts at his newly born rival in an attempt to secretly off him.

The mother, as mothers are wont to do, instead of telling anyone or anything like that, would then turn around and suck the poison out of her baby and occasionally beat the ever-living shit out of her step-son. This is the perfectly reasonable and logical explanation to this case, as a counter-point to the cah-razy idea that some lady is a vampire. Poisoned darts.

As a happy end to this tale, the wife comes clean and admits that she is a selfless, though clearly not english speaking victim, the husband is... well, the same as ever, and young surly teenager is, on Holmes' suggestion, shipped off to sea for a year. To cure him.

One Sentence Synopsis: Portal 2

2011-10-17T14:29:00.002-04:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THUD

Things That Make My Head Hurt: Hercules

2011-10-17T14:10:00.001-04:00

Most people know three things about Hercules: that he was incredibly strong, that he was tasked to do a series of labors for some reason, and that a load of women followed him around, inexplicably singing gospel music at him.

Hercules is one of those iconic characters, a lot like Sherlock Holmes; everyone knows who is he, but nobody really knows anything about him. I suspect that this is for a very good reason.

So check it.

Hercules was the son of Zeus, the main dude of the Gods. Zeus had a real problem keeping his junk in his pants, so he had quite a few children running around--but for some reason, this particular child annoyed his wife, Hera, the very most. You'd think after a while that she'd just get used to it, but who can fathom the depths of a woman? Also Hera was Zeus' sister, which makes me a little cautious to accept that fancy dress party invitation from the ancient greeks.

At any rate, Zeus boned Alcmene--try saying that three times fast--and Hercules was born. I know I'm trying to focus on this origin story, but Alcmene also happened to be Zeus' great-granddaughter. What the fuck, ancient greeks? What the fuck.

Right, sorry, Hercules. Born. Giant baby. Zeus, for whatever reasons that will only be known to him, decided to allow the baby to feed from Hera--who I guess just happened to be lactating at the time?--while she was sleeping, so maybe that explains why she has a rod up her ass about the whole Hercules thing. This little scheme allowed Hercules to become partially immortal, which, you know? I guess kind of makes sense. At least one thing in this story does.

Hercules goes back to live on earth, and Hera decides that she doesn't have anything better to do than kill a baby, so she sends some snakes after him. Now, look, I'm not saying I want Hera to succeed in killing Hercules any more than the next person, but she is an immortal goddess. He is a dude that can lift things. She never, ever, EVER manages to kill him.

Look, I'm going to belabor this point for a minute. Hera once turned a woman into a crane for claiming that she was the most beautiful person on earth. She once blinded a dude for agreeing with Zeus over her. She turned a lady into turtle for not showing up at a wedding. A TURTLE. And yet the best she could do with the small child that she despised over all other things was to sick some snakes on him and, I guess, hide in a corner and cackle to herself.

The snakes thing doesn't work, shockingly, and Hercules grows up to be The Strongest Man Alive(tm). A lot of various things happen--I don't intend to even start on the Labours of Hercules--but the most important part is that he marries a woman named Megara.

Hey, Disney fans, you remember Megara, right? Smart, sassy, unwilling consort of the devil. The Disney movie spends a lot of time detailing the rise and fall of their relationship, right up to the point where Hercules learns to be Selfless(tm) and Kind(tm) and then everyone rides Pegasus off into the sunset. PEGASUS BELONGED TO BELLEROPHONE YOU TWAthe majority of the Disney story is cut from whole cloth, except for the fact that A) Megara existed and B) She had a uterus. She was actually the daughter of the king of Thebes, given to Hercules for doing a terribly good job either lifting something or killing something. She dutifully bore him two children, which he MURDERED HAHAHAHA.

Yeah. Hera, who has plenty of time to up the game on her killin' step-children, decides to drive Hercules mad for a while. Just general insanity. In the throes of his insanity, Hercules murders his wife and two children. Oopsie. Not exactly a heart-warming end to that tale.

In order to atone for his guilt, Hercules agrees to do a series of tasks, which eventually is known as the 12 Labours of Hercules. Hera goes off to figure out how to, I dunno, turn Hercules' best friend into a toad or something, and all is well.

~~~
Postscript: After Alcmene births Hercules, she ends up marrying a dude who also happens to be one of Zeus' sons. Haha! No, I'm sorry ancient greeks, I'm going to be busy EVERY weekend. Yeah, even that one.

Beauty and the Beast makes my head hurt

2011-10-15T21:00:00.000-04:00

We'll take a break from our regularly scheduled stupid horror game post, and have a chat about Beauty and the Beast. I'm going to start out by doing something that I don't normally do: link you to the text.

Here it is. The story's short, and worth a read, which is another way of saying that this fairy tale is so fucked up that you have to read it.

Now like most people, the only thing I knew about Beauty and the Beast was the Disney version, where Beauty is clearly suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

I've seen the Disney version of Hercules, so I know that Disney is capable of committing some pretty horrific editing atrocities in the interest of selling cute plastic toys

so I wasn't expecting the Disney version to be the definitive one. Still, the back story seemed solid: the Beast is a horrible, loathsome prince who doesn't show an old lady any kindness. She reveals herself to be an enchantress—because duh—and the prince is cursed to become a beast until such time where he can feel love, and be loved in return. His entire castle is also transformed along with him since, you know, the enchantress already had her wand out and everything; and since this was apparently a small and insignificant kingdom and everyone's family members were dead from the plague, nobody realized what happened for many years. Fine.

So what's different about the original version? Well, everything, for a start. The story is centered mostly around Beauty and her two miserable sisters. Beauty's real name is never given, since she is apparently so beautiful that she's nicknamed Beauty—It is a real kindness to her that she wasn't born with a cleft palate, I'll tell you what—and none of the other characters are named at all because fuck them.

Beauty is not only beautiful, but also gentle and kind—the text is a little unclear here, but it seems to indicate that Beauty was kind because she was beautiful, which is definitely contrary to my experience. The other two sisters are always spoken of together, so we'll call them The Sisters; in addition, there's the rich merchant who fathered them all, and three brothers who basically don't exist. Mom's dead, and she's the luckiest of the group. In fact, I'm renaming this Beauty's Mom: The Dead One, because she definitely happily ever aftered, even if she wasn't alive.

So Beauty is perfect and The Sisters are vain and jealous, and everyone is just sitting around waiting for the merchant to lose all his belongings so this story will get started. Once he finally does they all pack up and move from the city to the country, which, really? Who wouldn't want a nice little cottage out in the country? Fucking hell.

And here's the first part that seemed a little strange to me.

“ In the beginning she found it very difficult, for she had not been used to work as a servant; but in less than two months she grew stronger and healthier than ever. After she had done her work, she read, played on the harpsichord, or else sung whilst she spun. On the contrary, her two sisters did not know how to spend their time; they got up at ten, and did nothing but saunter about the whole day, lamenting the loss of their fine clothes and acquaintance. “

First off, how does this family own a harpsichord? I know I'm focusing on the less glaring aspect of that paragraph, but really? You've lost everything in the stock market crash, and somehow you haven't sold your harpsichord? Well, obviously Beauty needs something to practice on. I bet she plays beautifully too, the twat. Also, since The Sisters are planning on just moping around all day, 10 seems like a fairly early rise time for them. Cut some slack.

Okay, right. Let's highlight it again

“In the beginning she found it very difficult, for she had not been used to work as a servant”

Right, I get that they were a very wealthy family and so cleaning would have been naturally relegated to the servants, but... well, shouldn't this be written “she found it very difficult, for she had not been used to work as a normal human being”? It's sort of acting like the only two classes of people are those who do work for others and those who have work done for them. In fact, remember that part where they lost all their money and had to go and live in the forest? Yeah, I don't think this story was written by a commoner, you guys.

Everyone slaves away for a while, being normal and acting like most people have to act, and then dad finds out that a missing ship has come to port with a load of his belongings on it! Oh man, dad, this is the perfect excuse for you to get lost in the woods and meet with a mysterious monster. Dad agrees and sets off, his head filled with requests from The Sisters for finery and things. You'd think that everyone would just encourage The Sisters to stay in bed all day and spare them all the trouble, but I suppose the internet hadn't been invented yet. Beauty, being so beautiful and kind and wise and helpful and hardworking, doesn't ask for anything at all—except a single red rose, to avoid making her sisters look badly. Yeah. It says that.

“ Not that Beauty cared for a rose, but she asked for something, lest she should seem by her example to condemn her sisters' conduct, who would have said she did it only to

look particular.”

Two things: one, if your sisters are asking for the Maltese Falcon and you only ask for a rose, you're probably not doing your best to avoid looking like you're being really condescending to them. And two, the text makes a huge deal about what a voracious reader Beauty was, whiling away her time devouring all manner of novels. I don't believe it. Why? Because if Beauty were truly a reader, what she would have asked for would have been a book.

So Pops makes it into town and for one reason or another is unable to make any money off his waterlogged belongings, so he heads back home. On the way he gets lost, and finds himself in an enchanted courtyard. He gets everything—food, a place to rest, plenty of clothes to wear—and on the way out decides to take a single rose for Beauty.

And for the first time in this story, the Beast appears. And he flips the fuck OUT.

"You are very ungrateful, (said the

beast to him, in a terrible voice) I have saved your life by receiving

you into my castle, and, in return, you steal my roses, which I value

beyond any thing in the universe; but you shall die for it; I give you

but a quarter of an hour to prepare yourself, to say your prayers."

The merchant begs for his life, and the Beast agrees to spare it, as long as the merchant sends a daughter in his place. Oh, and then gives him a load of gold. Passive-aggressive much? It's almost like he'd be the perfect companion for Bea... oh. Right.

Beauty decides to take her father's place, because of course she does, and eventually finds out that the Beast just plans on her living there for the rest of her life. He doesn't want to harm her at all. He just wants to look at her.

"Beauty, (said the

monster,) will you give me leave to see you sup?"

Oh wow. Oh WOW.

“ when he said to her, "Beauty, will you be my wife?" She was some

time before she durst answer; for she was afraid of making him angry, if

she refused. At last, however, she said, trembling, "No, Beast."

Immediately the poor monster began to sigh, and hissed so frightfully,

that the whole palace echoed. But Beauty soon recovered her fright, for

Beast having said, in a mournful voice, "then farewell, Beauty," left

the room; and only turned back, now and then, to look at her as he went out"

Ooooooh WOW. Somebody's read The Game.

What's the best part? The best part is that Beauty spends 3 months in this castle before anything happens, and the Beast asks her to marry him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Every single night! And even though she thinks the Beast is wonderful and kind and sweet and gentle, she can't bring herself to marry him because he is a horrible beast.

It's a good thing the gentle, sweet, kind, thoughtful, intelligent Beauty was also born beautiful. Yep.

The Beast finally agrees to let Beauty go back to her home, just to see her father for a week. In this time, her sisters have found some wealthy gentlemen to marry them. Great!

" They were both of them very

unhappy. The eldest had married a gentleman, extremely handsome indeed,

but so fond of his own person, that he was full of nothing but his own

dear self, and neglected his wife. The second had married a man of wit,

but he only made use of it to plague and torment every body, and his

wife most of all."

Oh.

The agreement is that Beauty can spend a week with her family and then must return immediately to the Beast. The Sisters decide to derail her plans because she had the audacity to come home all dressed up and shit—that bitch—and because the both of them are stupid and have forgotten that they hated having Beauty around.

What's their big plan? To be nice to her until she agrees to stay two weeks. GASP. Just go ahead and assume this crackerjack idea works, because it does. Even though Beauty has the ability to return to the castle AT ANY TIME, INSTANTLY she doesn't go back to tell him that she's staying an extra week or anything, no no. No, the deformed animal that asks her to marry him every fucking night will certainly understand when she doesn't show up.

After 10 days, Beauty has an awful dream that the Beast is dying, and finally decides to return to the castle. She wakes up in her normal bed, and then spends the day to herself. You know, getting some alone time.

“She put on one of her richest suits to please him, and waited

for evening with the utmost impatience; at last the wished-for hour

came, the clock struck nine, yet no Beast appeared. “

Oh shit, maybe she shouldn't have spent so much time playing solitaire. That's how it gets you!

And here is the best part of this story. THE BEST FUCKING PART.

"You forgot your promise, and I was

so afflicted for having lost you, that I resolved to starve myself; but

since I have the happiness of seeing you once more, I die satisfied."

BAM MOTHERFUCKER, NICE GUY THREATENING SUICIDE.

Oh man. Oooooh man. Someone forgot to tell the Beast that women don't like men who pretend to be their friends and emotionally blackmail them into liki-

"No, dear Beast, (said Beauty,) you must not die; live to be my husband;

from this moment I give you my hand, and swear to be none but yours.”

Fuck it.

Postscript: So what's the Beast's real backstory? Well...

“a wicked fairy had condemned me to remain under that shape

till a beautiful virgin should consent to marry me: the fairy likewise

enjoined me to conceal my understanding; there was only you in the world

generous enough to be won by the goodness of my temper; and in offering

you my crown, I can't discharge the obligations I have to you."

Why? Well, it doesn't really matter because she comes back and turns Beauty's two sisters into stone statues. Teehee!

Silent Hill: Homecoming: Return of the Jedi

2011-10-09T23:35:00.001-04:00

First post can be found here
And the second post, here

Well here we are again

It's always such a pleasure

Remember when you tried to kill me twice?

so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming. I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses. Bitches.

Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.

"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.

Must be that military training.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.

I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.

WITH BULLETS

You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.

SAVE POINT SAVE POINT

oh man save point, will you marry me? Ours is a pure, wholesome love.

So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks. Uh, really?

Can't a former marine get some love?

What's behind mystery door number 3?!

It's Josh. Fucking brat.

So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?

The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.

"I wonder what I've fallen into?" I-it's a dining room, Alex. There are chairs and tables and plates. Okay? It is clearly a dining room.

Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?

That's Mayor Bartlett?

Huh.

Oh, oops. Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.

Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.

This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?

Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.

Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.

I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole. Huh. Wonder what that symbolizes.

OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?

hurr durr hurr

Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.

Twat. Twat. Idiot. Useless twat.

I woke up in a jail cell. In walks a racist caricature. YAY.

The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature. YAY.

Uh, sir? There's a giant bloodstain on the floor? Sir?

...

YAY.

I have no weapons. There's growling. Oh god. Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.

We have to stop meeting like this, save point.

And start meeting like THIS.

Racist caricature died pretty quickly. Ah well. We hardly knew ye.

New creatures! The achievement I get is Split Personality. DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.

One-Sentence Synopsis: Half-Life 2

2011-10-04T12:31:00.002-04:00

OH MY GOD, IS THAT REALLY GORDON FREEMAN?!