All Else Failed

Harsh

2013-08-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

A message from my ex's mother: (The Bi-Polar Bitch I had to deal with for 2 years)
Fall of 2008

"Hey Sean...I just wanted to let you know me and my Nick talked last night...things are fine...You're not ever comin to Alabama cause he doesn't want you to come to Alabama...and he's not goin' to school and I told him - I said "Nicholas, you need to give up the computer" I says "because you cant afford it"...
Me and my son's gonna get somethin. We're probably goin to get an apartment...I'm gonna sell my shit and he's gonna be where I'm at. Bloods thicker than water. And he can find little old dicks. I've seen your dick. It aint shit...he can find shit like you a dime a dozen...and my son's too good looking for you...and you just a desperate damn bastard...but you ain't gonna make it...sooner or later somethin'll happen to you...no wonder them damn other guys beat the hell outta you...they had to do that to get rid of you cause your like a leech...but Nicks usin' you and your too damn dumb to know it but I don't care cause you're trash."

Followed by next message:

"You ain't dead yet? Oh, that's right - Trash like you don't die!"

F**K that Noise!!!!

2013-08-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

     It's been just a little over four years since I posted an entry in this blog...and a little over four years since I officially became a Cancer survivor.

     Having put a lot of that behind me, I see an expression from time to time pop up on Facebook that grates on my nerves.

     "God never gives you more than you can handle!"

     Whoever came up with that expression (or even uses it) obviously never had Cancer. They have never gone through excrutiating pain that was so bad you wanted to cut off your leg, or kill yourself just to end it all. They have never suffered on a day to day basis with the worst quality of life imaginable.

     No, I couldn't handle it. I tolerated it for as long as I could, but the sleepless nights and waking up screaming whenever I did fall asleep, or the fact that I had to force myself to do anything while going through torturous pain, was a living nightmare.

     I fought and I fought hard. I suffered like not many people have suffered. And I survived - not because I could handle it - but because the doctors did what they could to keep me alive.

     The only time I actually could handle it was when I was so fucked up on drugs, that my pain, and reality was practically non-existent.

     And I'm not even going to mention the Chemo that I suffered through for months on end that put me in the hospital twice.

     But, let's face it - this expression, (which based on my personal experience, is a slap in the face to what I went through) is just a way to put people's minds at ease when going through a tough situation - obviously not a terminal illness or any other excrutiating physical ailments.

     Next time you know someone who is suffering in extreme pain, say that to them, and see how they react, because if anyone had said that to me at the time, I would have punched them so hard in the face, just to see if they felt the same after a broken nose.
     Handle that, you inconsiderate fuck!

     P.S.: What didn't kill me, sure as hell made me stronger!

Broken

2009-04-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

After 2 years and 10 days, we ended.

First time I ever broke up with someone i truly loved, and the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

Why I'm Hating My Life Right Now...

2008-11-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving...not that I celebrate Thanksgiving, but it sucks when I'm in an atmosphere of people who do, and expect me to celebrate it along with them...
and when I don't,
I'm told I'm a miserable person who makes others miserable whenever they're around me, and that I need to get a life and stop locking myself up in my room.
but that's what I do.
I do not want a life in Florida, and I do not want to start one since I will be leaving.
And I'm sorry I'm miserable.
I'm allowed to be with where I'm at...
Besides, it's my life - I can choose to have one, just like I can choose to be miserable...
And until we are together, I've made my choice.

Restoration of Faith

2008-11-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

I wanted him...right then. In my own insecurities, I met once again with spontaneity. Through fits of crying and emotional distress, I couldn't take it anymore. I woke early Saturday morning and decided that I was going to take a ten hour drive to Alabama.

Now, ten hours may be a long time, but seven months is even longer...and I was worried that he and i were about to falter.

I told my mom about 8:30 am, and she suggested that I get my slow leak in the tire fixed...so we both went to the Tire Auto place and had that done.

11 or so hours later, after being stopped by a cop for not using my turn signal ( In Evergreen, Al- but the cop didn't issue me a ticket, as I told him I was lost and he pointed me in the right direction.) i pulled up to nick's job, where he was outside smoking a cigarette with a co-worker and a friend.

There was a little bit of tension, due to the fact that he and i had an argument earlier, and I mistook that for him not wanting me there. He told me to go back to Evergreen, and that he would call me when his co-worker and friend left. So I went to Burger King, where i ate half-assedly, as my stomach was tied up in knots. He called soon after, and i went back to his job, where for most of the night, I sat parked next to his car.

He had called me, and expressed that he wished i would have come on his days off, which were Monday and Tuesday. I told him I needed to see him.

"I look the same!" was his reaction, and I told him that I didn't like that. I was pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have come, I thought, as I contemplated just leaving. Two and a half or so hours later, He got into his car and told me to follow him. Still hadn't received a kiss.

I followed him as he sped through back roads, calling him on the cell.

"Could you go any faster?"

This seemed to agitate him, as he told me that he doesn't have much time. Of course, it didn't help that I, myself had a bit of an attitude.

This became another short argument.

I hung up.

Two minutes later, i called him back.

"You're not mad at me, are you?"

"No!", he replied.

And a few minutes later, we pulled into a secluded spot, where i got into his car, and he took my hand, until I finally ended up in his comfortable big arms. Argument forgotten and tension dissipated.

About an hour later, after a quickie in the car, he had to leave...so I went and got a hotel.

Sunday, I laid in bed for most of the day, watching tv...waiting...and waiting...

I did get up and get lunch. I also drove by his friend Monica's house, and thought of stopping by, but since there was no car in the driveway, I decided against it. Went back to the hotel where I continued waiting in torturous anticipation for him to get off of work and get to me.

Finally, at 11; 30 p.m., after not hearing from him for several hours, I called him, wondering where he was at. He was still at his job, and then had to go to his house to pick up some things. The next hour and a half or so was hell for me, but he finally showed up at the hotel.

We went to Monica's house and hung out there for a few hours. By the time we got back to the hotel, it was about 4 a.m. But we didn't go to sleep. Instead, we had sex, and then watched tv...eventually falling asleep around 10 a.m. I was originally supposed to leave on Monday, but decided to stay another day.

We slept 'til about 2:30. I was worried all day that he was going to have to go home, but he didn't - so we had another night together. We spent the day in the hotel room watching tv.

Before heading in the shower, I told him that he needs to be strong for the both of us...like if I'm ready to give up, I don't want him to give in., because i don't mean it when I say certain things. I love him too much, and would hate to lose him, even through my own stupidity and/or insecurity.

Later that evening, we drove around looking at apartment complexes. He doesn't care to live in Evergreen, despite the practicality of finances and being close to his job. Still, I asked him if he would consider it, and he said he would.

We went back to the hotel and watched some more tv. He told me he didn't want me to leave and thanked me for coming up to see him. I thanked him for spending the time with me. We would both agree later that this was a relaxing few days as we enjoyed each others company while doing absolutely nothing.

Eventually, I fell asleep, while he went to go visit Monica at her job. When he came back at about 4 in the a.m., he laid in bed next to me. Two or so hours later, I woke up and forced myself on him, releasing some sexual tension.

I had trouble sleeping, so I laid next to him, with all these thoughts roaming through my head. It hurt knowing that I only had a few more hours with him before I had to head back.

When he woke, he got ready as we left the hotel. We went and had lunch at a park before saying goodbye, which, of course, is still the hardest thing to do.

Even though, I was crying a bit in the park, the tears really didn't start flowing 'til the next day, when i was once again 630 miles away from him.

Rebound

2008-11-05T14:28:00.000-08:00

He tried hard not to break my heart...but, luckily, it was a superficial break.
i don't remember what it was, when i felt cupids arrow hit. I just knew that i wanted to spend as much time with him, regardless of my existing relationship. We had so much in common, and our compatibility matched like i had matched with no other. i was developing a crush, and there was no secret about it, no matter how much i tried to hide it. but that's all that it was...a simple crush. As long as i was in my relationship, i was not going to pursue an affair - besides the fact i had believed he was straight.
It wasn't until i ended my relationship did i find out he had a crush on me, as well. But what was to ensue would only last for two weeks.
I'll never forget the day he sat me down and told me he could never be gay. i was expecting this moment to happen. I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon. Due to so much overwhelming emotion at the time, this was a huge blow, and I could not stop the tears from flowing. I was in a depressive state for a few days before realising it was all for the better. He and I were better off as friends, as I would figure out in the months to come.
But, I am glad for what was shared. If he hadn't have come into my life, I'd probably still be miserable in my miserable relationship. He opened my eyes to so much.

Isolated Incident

2008-11-04T02:08:00.000-08:00

Phone is off.
Makes me wonder who he might be with.
A wink, maybe?
My fault, i guess -
for being so damn insecure...
for wantng to hide when I'm not feeling well...
for being so far away, unable to give him the physical affection he deserves...
Phone's been off all night.
Funny how my mind thinks he's cheating
when it could be any number of things...
I just can't fathom why the phone would be off...
unless he forgot about me.
7 months is too long to be away from the one you love...
with still no telling when we'll be together...
How long before i give up?
How long before my insecurities get the better of me?
How long before he realises I'm worthless...?

hurt

2008-10-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to live the rest of my life in "When".
I'm not gonna bury my future with me.
I need to fix this broken heart,
and i have to do that on my own...

De Ja Vu

2008-10-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

Coming out of the hospital, yet again, I am instantly taken back to five months ago. The house smells the same. The feeling of emptiness is heightened, as it was five months before. i am back in a familiar place of unfamiliarity.

And I sit here the next day wondering, again, why I survived a near death experience; my second in one year's time. Five months pass, and history repeats itself.

And I'm in my own quandry about my life and where it is headed.

Am I safer here?

And if so, what happens to us?

"How many times can i break 'til I shatter?

Over the line,

can't define what I'm after.

I always was turn the car around."

O.A.R. - Shattered

"I never thought that i'd have any more to give

pushing me so far.

here I am wothout you!

Drink!

to all that we have lost,

mistakes we have made.

everything will change

but love remains the same"

Gavin Rossdale - Love Remains the Same

Rooted

2008-08-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

I really don't miss my ex. But it doesn't mean i don't think about him. All the bad times we had are so memorable, but sometimes I try to think about the good times we actually had, and that's pretty tough, considering our constant head-butting. When i learned what kind of person he was, it was as if everything good he did for me was for an incentive, so really, what good was there?
No, what i really miss is my life in NYC. Or i should just say what I truly miss was having a life. I've been many places in the US, and had many wonderful adventures and experiences, and its sad to think that I can't have that anytime in the near future.
I just have the need for adventure, because it's the adventure that's missing from my life.
I need to get the fuck out of Hollywood, Fl!!!

Cliched

2008-07-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Probably the biggest bullshit cliche ever stated. I mean, really - what is that? What the fuck does it mean?

Yes, love is a wonderful experience and all - but losing it isn't, and no matter how you lost the person, if anyone says this to you in the aftermath, they should be shot in all their condescending arrogant ignorance.

A heartbreak is probably one of the worst pains one can feel. And that heartbreak is caused by having loved. This pain could be avoided if you hadn't have fallen in love in the first place.
So, is it really better?

Morphinated

2008-07-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

Never take Morphine on an empty stomach.
I'm assuming that's what it was, considering I never got any warning from the Doctor or the pharmacist about taking it with food.
All I know is i got out of bed this morning, feeling nauseous. I ate a piece of bread before taking my mother to work, and the nausea went away.
On my way back home, I could feel my gag reflexes starting to go. I stopped at the light, and next thing I know, I'm blowing chunks out the window. Not once. Not twice, but four times. problem was, i didn't get my head far enough outside the window. So, there it was, all over the car door - inside and out.
I feel sorry for the other cars around that witnessed this humiliating public display.

Neglected

2008-07-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm still me.
I wish people could understand that just because i have Cancer, it doesn't change who I am as a person.
I'm not looking for sympathy...or even a reaction...
I just feel like everyone's running away from me.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2008-07-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

I was under the impression that he was a Prisoner in his own world...and I was to set him free.

It was all just an illusion.

Miles Away

2008-07-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking...slowly. Splintering and cracking - so loud. By the time I get to him, my heart will be nothing but Ruins. It's so painful. I have never been so in love in my entire 32 years. Love isn't supposed to hurt - but I guess it does when there's distance in between both hearts.

Age Ain't Nothin' but a Number

2008-07-08T02:07:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I'm a 32 year old gay man.
I wear t-shirts with cartoon characters on them, and occasionally logo's, like Echo or Sean John.
I own 2 pairs of sneakers, and very rarely do I ever wear long pants...except when the weather permits, where i prefer a waist two sizes bigger than my own.
I still watch Disney movies, and enjoy them.

My diet of late, consists of Twizzlers and Beef Jerkey.

The thing is, I don't look 32.

I don't feel 32, and I certainly don't act 32.

In a few months I'll be 33. I really don't see a change happening there either.

Wonder what I'll be like when I'm 40.

Superstitious Writings on the Wall

2008-07-06T02:31:00.000-07:00

When do we know if it's Forever?
Or do we ever really?

Instinctively, i felt Forever with him from the moment our relationship began. Had i not, i would have never gotten involved. For the first few months, things were great. There was a mutual feeling, with no fear, whatsoever. Then things happened. He got scared. And while the universe was preventing us from being together, fear reached me as well.
What happened? There was no fear at the beginning. Then, after an establishment, all of a sudden, it decides to pop its head in and say "Hey Sean! I'm here to give you a mental mind fuck!"?

The thing is, I love him so much...too much. My fear stems from the thought that one day, he'll realise that he doesn't want to be with me. He tells me differently, but I am filled with so much insecurity, and when you add Karma into it, well, let's just say, I almost expect the worst.

I've noticed change. But it's not typical in a relationship. this has nothing to do with the Honeymoon being over or anything like that. In the first few month, as I mentioned, there was a mutual love we had for each other, in things that were said or done. Then, circumstances in his life happened, and he changed. There have been times where i felt I was giving too much of myself, and not receiving the same thing in return. I feel like no one will ever love me the way I love. Of course, that doesn't change my feelings towards him - it just intensifies the fear...especially knowing just how much I really do love him. On a side note, i do know that everyone expresses their love differently, and compared to my exes, he's doing the better job in that department by telling me things that i need to hear.

I've been hurt so many ways in this...ways he doesn't even realise, and even though the hurt effects me, I'm doing my best to prevent it from effecting the relationship.
I just know that i could never hurt him, nor would I ever try to, no matter what the situation...and that's where mutuality ends.
I do believe him when he says he loves me and that he wants to be with me for life...but there's so much missing in between the electrical current that connects us. In the past I have felt that I wanted this more than he does, just by certain actions from both our parts; My determination, and his lack of...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because if I fall, I'm going to fall harder than I've ever fallen....and its not going to be pretty.

I know that he is Forever in my heart. But will I ever know if I'm Forever in his?

The Hollywood Dream

2008-07-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

I had just finished filming a horror movie, in which a ghost was doing everything it could to get inside a house that I was residing in.
When filming was done, i headed over to the studios at Showtime, where i saw Whoopi Goldberg leaving. Her and I had become good friends. Her show had wrapped for the season, s I knew i wouldn't be seeing her for a while, as she was going back to NYC. I gave her a big hug and told her I would miss her.
I then went on to the table reading of the series that I was on. I played Mariah Carey's husband, and in this new episode, I found out our characters were getting a divorce.
"You're having me written off the show?" I asked, kind of nervous-like.
"Of course we're not writing you off", said Mariah. "You'll be back."
"I should be, because don't we have a kid together?"
"Yeah, I think so."
Afterwards, the cast drove down to these manmade caves to hang out, as was always done after a table read. I was remembering the times that Mariah had given me a ride...and how she had also given me her cell number, when we were arranging rides for me, before i had a car.
Everyone began to leave, and I noticed they were leaving in groups; going somewhere else afterwards...and no one was inviting me.
Then I woke up to my boring life.

Judgement Day

2008-07-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

I have blue hair.
I have a mohawk.
Walking into a restaurant this evening, I watched all eyes glare up at me from everyone in there...and I'm not exaggerating. When I sat at my table, those I could see with my eyes were staring at me.
I knew i didn't fit in. The majority of patrons were old, and even the few young ones were the clean-cut, goody-goody church going type.
I could only imagine the thoughts going through their heads. But, what I loved about it was that I'm sure whatever they were thinking was not true about me.
I can say that I felt out of place. But I can't say that I felt uncomfortable.
I always loved being different - especially in my hometown.

Stepmother

2008-06-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

Driving me home from the Doctor's, my StepMother asks me if i'm staying in Florida. I tell her i'm not, which she starts going on a big lecture about how I should stay in Florida, as well as finding God. After I've given her every excuse to respond to, I finally stated:

"I'm also in a relationship."

SM: "Oh, see, I'm kinda hoping you'll get out of that."

Me: 'I don't wanna get out of that."

SM: "That's something I've been praying for for years. That you won't be like that anymore and that you'll meet the right woman."

Me: "I'm not attracted to women. I've never been attracted to women."

SM: "But you could be."

me: "No, I couldn't"

SM: "You're Uncle did it." (referring to my Great Uncle who gave up the homosexual lifestyle and married a woman.)

Me: "That was his choice! I'm not gonna choose to be with a woman to make everyone else happy so that I can be miserable!"

SM; "But you could be happy."

Me: "No, I..."

SM: "But that sexual part of your life is over, isn't it?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

SM: "In your condition...you can no longer have sex."

Me: "Um, yes I can. It's called Safe Sex."

SM: "Oh...I thought you couldn't have sex anymore."

And that's where the conversation ended.
Don't you just love Ignorance?!
I guess this is the reason I don't want my Father involved in that part of my life. I'm tired of them hoping that I'll "change" instead of trying to Understand me.
And this is why my Father and I will never have that close relationship that he longs for.

Fuck It!

2008-06-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

With Bruce, it was my dancing.

With Anthony, it was my acting.

With Nick, it's my writing.

I will never accomplish anything.

Fuck it. No one reads my shit anyway.

Optimistically Challenged

2008-06-18T03:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's official. I am depressed.
i don't want to get out of bed.
I don't want to do anything.
All I really want to do is sleep, because at least my dreams are more interesting than my life at this point.
The only thing I have to look forward to is unfortunately far away, with no set time or date as to when it will actually happen.
I'm crying all the time.
My insecurities are taking over my mind, and seems to be getting worse as each day passes.
I have nothing going for me, as I've failed in life, and don't see any accomplishments in my near future...even though there HAS to be SOME reason why I didn't die a few months ago.
I'd say Life sucks right now, but I can't, because i don't have one.

What happened to Me?

2008-06-08T22:21:00.001-07:00

I had so much going for me in my life. I never jumped on opportunity, and I let destiny guide me.
So, why the fuck did she lead me here? As if she took me for a ride and dropped me off in the middle of nowhere.
There must be a greater plan for me somewhere, because to be honest, with the way my life is going...or shall I say, NOT going...I should have been dead a few months ago.

I Always wanted to be a Movie Star

2008-06-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

But thanks to life, and my ex, that goal has died. all my life, I had that imaginary camera following my every move - to capture the interesting moments happening in my life. I led myself into an imaginary world where i was the star...and then I grew up.
Life does take an unexpected turn in the long run. I left Florida to pursue a career on Broadway. That never happened. But what did happen were my many different stints in small theatre, as well as extra work in small independent films, not to mention the one film where I had a total of three lines that gave me a credit on imdb.
Then, i got involved with another actor, whose spotlight could never be taken off of him. He told me that I didn't have what it took to make it in the professional business, simply because I was unsociable or an anti-asskisser...and that was in the first couple months we had met. He did get me a recurring job in Children's Theatre that paid not only in cash, but also in his criticism. Performing onstage with him always made me nervous, because i always felt like he was judging me, ready to cut down anything I do that doesn't satisfy his acting eye. It was a lot of pressure for me, but still, I manged to stay with the company for two years before he decided he was ready to leave New York and pursue his acting career in L.A. I, personally, was not ready to leave New York, but when you're in a committed relationship, you follow the one you love..or think you love.
We didn't exactly move to L.A. It was actually 1 hour north in a town called Palmdale, and turned out to be a semi-small town of about 30,000 with a large Conservative Community. After a few months, while he was commuting down to L.A., doing student films and other unpaid work, I was getting involved in Community theatre, snagging the lead in the first musical I auditioned for. I was a hit. People were amazed and impressed by my talents. That didn't last long, because the next show i auditioned for, they were desperate for men, so I asked Anthony to audition, and once that happened, he got the lead, and I was forgotten about.
A year later, Wicked was coming to L.A., and they were holding auditions. I was psyched and ready to go. The day before, however, Anthony told me not to get my hopes up. This brought me to tears, as it helped discourage me. Despite his negativity, i still went to the audition. I didn't get in.
That was the last time i auditioned for anything professional.
Now, I've come to the realization that an acting career of any sort is not going to happen. Still, the passion for performing is there. That will never die, no matter how many times I try to pull away from it. Still it hurts to know that everything I worked for in my youth was destroyed, by my lack of motivation, focusing my goal in the wrong direction, and the fact that i let others persuade me into thinking i wasn't good enough.
Hollywood will never happen. Broadway will never happen. But, hopefully, someday, I will happen.

The Worst feeling in the world

2008-05-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

Constipation.

I believe I now know what it feels like to actually have a baby.