All Nite Diner

Recently, we found a Word document on the desktop of my laptop with the name of a PoliSci paper I wrote my sophomore year in college: “Marijuana and Federalism: An Ongoing Debate.” Upon opening said document we noticed all the “the’s” (and associated words containing “the”) were changed to “fuck.” What may have been inspired by an episode of The Office (an episode called “The Client” in the 2nd season where the find and replace feature is used to harass Dwight) turned into something very humorous much later. The result reads like the musings of an angry political stoner band, or Bill Hicks.

Enjoy the glorious excessive (albeit nonsensical) profanity:

President Abraham Lincoln said in his now famous Gettysburg Address that fuck United States should be “a government of fuck people, by fuck people, and for fuck people.”

Mason Tvert, a campaign organizer for SAFER (Safer Alternatives For Enjoyable Recreation) said in Fuck Washington Post article that “marijuana is less harmful to fuck user than alcohol.”

According to a Nov. 2, 2005 article from Fuck Washington Post, on Tuesday, Nov. 1st, 54%, or more precisely, 56,001 of fuck voting citizens of Denver approved a measure that would make it legal for a person over 21 to possess up to one ounce of marijuana. Despite this show of fuck people’s wishes, authorities have said fuck state possession laws will be applied instead.

Fuck states were not granted many rights under fuck U.S. Constitution; however, among fuck powers granted to fuckm was fuck power to regulate issues of morality.

According to fuck Drug Enforcement Administration’s website, “Colorado’s Amendment 20 allows for fuck use and possession of small amounts of marijuana for sick and dying patients.“

President Bush is vehemently urging fuck nation to fight fuck war on terror overseas as well as fuck war on drugs at home. Ofuckrs argue that marijuana is not as dangerous as some suggest.

Love, liars, herpes… geometry?

kimswain — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:26:25 +0000

Way more people are searching about perpendicular lines than I would have imagined.

AHHHHHH!

allnitediner — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 08:24:56 +0000

Source: jrpopartz

Stand Up Philosophers: Fidelity & Relationships

allnitediner — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:47:54 +0000

“Dating is a fun nightmare. It’s a nightmare, and then there are boners in it somehow.”

-Patton Oswalt, “Feeling Kinda Patton“

“Women have all the power… because women have all the vaginas.”

-Dave Attell, “Skanks For The Memories“

“A man is basically as faithful as his options.”

-Chris Rock, “Bigger and Blacker“

“I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I’ve ever dated. And now I think I’m fine.”

-Mike Birbiglia, “Two Drink Mike”

“I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover ‘100 Ways to Please Your Man’ by some lady. Come on man. Ain’t no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much and he’ll be happy!”

-Dave Chappelle, “Killing Them Softly“

“I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”

-Woody Allen, “Manhattan“

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don’t wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

-Maria Bamford, “How to Win“

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

-Greg Giraldo, “Comedy Central Presents“

“I have a cute wife, and I’m not a cute wife, and people see us together and are always like “How did he get her?” Which isn’t a nice thing to say to someone at their engagement party. I just can’t wait til we’re both 80, cause you never look at (…) two 80 year olds and go “How’d he get her? He must have a huge old cock.”

-Brian Posehn, “Nerd Rage“

“Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you’ve been dating. And he’s mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day?”

-Louis CK, “Shameless“

Archers of Loaf – Web In Front [Music Video Lost and Found]

allnitediner — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:55:38 +0000

Dan Deacon & Liam Lynch – Drinking Out of Cups [Link Dump]

allnitediner — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:22:13 +0000