All These Thoughts, No One to Tell

Words on a page

2016-02-15T22:51:00.001-07:00

Well, its been a while since I've sat down and talked to myself in type form. Because in reality that's what this is; I'm talking to myself but I put it out here for you guys to read for some dumb reason. I wish I would've kept up with this outlet however, because I feel like its a great way to get some really bad ideas out of my head and into the world.
Well on to why I opened this laptop in the first place.

I've always had this agonizing fear of average. Well maybe I shouldn't say always. In high school I was below average when it came to grades and how I handled myself. Doing just enough to get by because I thought all that mattered was having the ability to get on sports teams and skate by just barely. Barely trying, barely turning in homework, barely finishing homework. Now that I look back on it I can actually reflect and say that this was my teenage self rebelling against the norm of being average. The only thing that changed my mind on my behavior was talking to a counselor and assessing my grades and my chances of getting into a college, once I realized that I wanted to chase my dream of professional sports, and being told that I almost assuredly couldn't get into any school being the ass I was in the classroom. I also realized that there was nothing more average than graduating from high school, and I damn sure didn't want to be just average in that sense.
As I've gotten older my decision making has seemed to make more sense than it did in high school, and I don't 'purposefully fail ( or barely get by) because "average people get by". I feel like ever since I graduated from college that I have been actively running away from average. Not that I've created any more space from average but I'm running and trying harder and harder each day. I feel like most days, I tell myself I'm tired of average and actively put my running shoes on and run the marathon away from average. Am I getting away from average?...I have no idea. I'm trying to. I'm hoping that by putting on my running shoes everyday and running that I get a second ahead here or there.
Some days I know average catches up with me and taps me on the shoulder with a smile and says "welcome back". Those days, while horrible, are real and motivating. Those days when I realize that I live in an average house, working for an average salary, living the average 9-5 lifestyle, and going to bed every night to wake up to the average American lifestyle again the next day. That pit in the bottom of my stomach when I typed that...that is what I'm running from. I get up most days running, sprinting at times, from that damned feeling. Running from the idea that I'll live an average life and I should be happy with that. I'm not okay with that. I fear average, and at this point in my life I'm beginning to fear above average as well.
Above average can be just as paralyzing as average. I am a living example of that. When I started becoming okay with above average in college football, that's all I was. Above average. I was good but when my coach left, who wasn't okay with average, who demanded perfection, who would ride your ass to make sure you were reaching as hard as he was for it, I sank back into above average. My play, desire and work ethic showed above average. I feel like at that point in my life I was okay with being just above the fray. Just above most everybody. However, what I didn't realize at that point in my life was that if you are just above average, than there are lot of other people who will happily sit on your shoulders to be even that little bit better than you. A better athlete, a better person, a better coach, a better father, etc.
I think at this point in my life I am finally beginning to get it. I'm beginning to really understand what it means to put the time in. To really strive for excellence. Am I getting there...Hell no. Not yet. I'm just beginning to understand what it means to put the extra work in. But now, everyday I put on those damn running shoes, look over my shoulder at average, and run as hard as I can. I run hard mentally and physically. Trying to think like a person living far ahead of the rest. Trying to do more than just get by, and in the mean time trying to help others run the race as well.
I often ask myself, "am I running this race for legacy's sake?. Just so people will remember this person I was?" Maybe before, not anymore. This race is for me to know that I'm living the life I want to live. I'm certainly not there, or anywhere close....but I'm running the race.
Are YOU?

You're a special Snowflake

2014-11-21T22:43:00.001-07:00

Every good parent tells their son or daughter that they're special. I'm sure this has been going on for some time now. However, I believe what used to happen is that a parent would tell their kid that they were special, they would graduate high school and then realize the painful truth. You aren't that special!

Don't get me wrong, everyone is special in their own way to the people around them. Every person holds a special place in the heart of someone, and if you're truly special many. BUT I don't know what changed, besides a technological evolution, that made all of us feel as if we are unique snowflakes. Maybe it was a cultural shift, where parents began telling their child they were special all the way through college. Into adulthood. And we, like the educated dummies we are actually believed it. Not like she told you "I love you" via text message believed it, but truly took it to heart. Now we are standing here thinking we're special snowflakes, in a WalMart check out line that bends up 3 Aisles and we all have 20% off laptops and HDTV's. Nothing lets you know you're a special snowflake quite the way Wally World does.

What's wrong with this you may ask? Well of course you knew bickering was coming in here somewhere; and the irony with which I say this next statement(not to mention this entire blog) is fully understood. Social media is the problem. I scroll through my newsfeed and timeline(Twitter) and see everyday people documenting everyday events as if they just met the President of The United States. "Going to a movie with Bae", "just put new tires on the truck", "just got back from the doctors office and the flu sucks", etc. As if the other 100 couples in the theatre wasn't an alert that your date wasn't significant. Or the fact that we have an entire manufacturing industry where tires are made and sold to people to put on their truck at some point; or the fact that there is more than one doctors office, and more than one flu medicine wasn't enough to let you know that you aren't that important and this isn't a one off deal for humanity.

What truly Grinds My Gears is Instagram. No I do not have one, but I am still a victim of your photos that get shared to my newsfeed and timeline. Everyday the sun rises and sets. Every single day. Not a day in human history has passed where these two events did not happen. Also, the worlds population is growing and millions of people see these two events every time they occur. What in the HELL MAKES YOU THINK THE SUNSET YOU SAW WAS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THE REST OF US SAW? AND, I don't want to see your meal, unless you are a chef and put something special together, then only show your stomach and intestinal tract your #foodporn.

Listen guys I get it. We all want to document and share with our friends what's going on in our lives. However, when doing so please realize that you aren't special. You're a cog in a system of gears that is easily replaced. I know, it sounds bleak, and condescending but it's mostly truthful. Keep enjoying life as if you were one of a kind, but keep that trash off my newsfeed and timeline. Continue to believe that we all are truly special, and ask yourself this question. If I have a problem with people sharing then why don't I get off social media? Simply put...because I am special, and if I weren't on social media how would I share my complaint section that I call a blog.

Roger Goddell, We Hate you!

2014-11-18T22:35:00.001-07:00

Im not just writing this quick blog because I happen to have Adrian Peterson on my fantasy team. I'm writing this blog because "I've had it up to here", as black parents say, with Roger Goddells shit.

I'm sick of Roger Goddell being judge and jury. Being the decider, and basically the sole person choosing who has the right to have a career in the NFL after someone makes a mistake. I understand Ray Rice hit his wife viciously, I understand Adrian Peterson spanking his child in the manner in which he did is despicable to some people, and against the law. However, the position he has put himself and the NFL in, is one that places them above the law. One that says "we'll wait until the legal process has run it's course, then we'll take action", in some cases, and "He won't play until his legal matter is resolved" in others. I know I'm not the only person who sees the hypocrisy in those statements. By the way, who is we? In every disciplinary case, Roger is the only person making decisions. There is no panel. No jury.

First, let's examine the Ray Rice situation. Did Goddell really not understand that Ray Rice hit his wife and knocked her out,after he was arrested for hitting his wife(girlfriend at the time), and knocking her out? Is there really a difference in the eyes of the NFL in the way you hit your wife? I guess so, because the original thought about an open hand resulting in a knockout is only worth 3 games, but a closed hand makes all the difference. GTFOH! (Even I have cursing limits, I know...laughable). This whole thing makes me wonder how the NFLPA ever agreed to this crazy process. As well as those lawyers are paid, not a single one thought a panel of ones peers would be a good idea in making such career changing decisions? As opposed to some suit, that isn't from where these employees are from, or has nearly as much to lose? I could've thought of that, collectively bargained that, and I've only taken the LSAT once with so so results. I mean damn, I don't have to see the chicken cooking in the kitchen if I can smell it when I come in the door to know its chicken cooking! You feel me. What I'm sayings is(misspellings intentional), we's coulda seen this coming from fars away sur(pronounced like sir). Damn near smelled it.

Anyway, back to Goddell. We all know what this is about, public relations and moms perceptions of the NFL. Goddell is trying to secure fans, and look out for the future of the league. He is trying to keep the US different from the rest of the world. He wants to keep Americas best athletes playing football because this makes for a better product. Imagine if the league was full of average athletes, like the MLS is. Who would watch? Who would tailgate, spend enormous amounts on tickets, crazy amounts on beers, hot dogs, beers, margaritas and beers? No one. Because I can watch par athletes play football weekly at my local YMCA every Saturday for free and be entertained. Not to mention the price and selection of beer is better.

The NFL is going to have to get away from Roger Goddel being the sole decision maker in these cases. Not only is it more of a fair process, but it also allows to league to save face in instances like when the Ray Rice video came out. But as of now, Roger Goddell is good for two things...

1) Ruining Black guys careers

2) Ruining white guys fantasy football teams (present company excluded)

Dueces✌️✌️✌️

The Death of a Dynasty

2014-03-20T22:05:00.001-06:00

So Fred Phelps of the hate mongering Westboro Baptist church finally passed away, and unlike the Grinch he never had that moment where his heart grew 3 sizes in one day. Well, how do you feel about it? There seems to be mixed reaction, but most of it appears to be celebratory.

I for one have never been the type to celebrate the death of anyone, except in movies, no matter how evil or hateful they were. I even felt incredibly uneasy about people crowding in front of The White House after our military killed Osama Bin Laden. It's probably my liberal bleeding heart.

With that being said, I will treat this situation no different. Am I sad that Fred Phelps died? Absolutely not, but neither am I excited about it. The type of people that he created in his lifetime is no legacy that any reasonable person would be proud of. To go to the extremes that he and his followers did to get their message out is unheard of, and even insane. In their efforts to spread "the word of god" they did nothing but foster hatred for their entire cause.

The real question in Fred Phelps death is whether people should protest his funeral or not? I always quote a Jay-Z song when it comes to issues like this..."a wise man once told me don't argue with fools, because from a distance, people can't tell who is who". I would personally love it if no one protested his funeral. Or how about, a very large group of people show up to the funeral with tons of roses and express their condolences to the family, friends, and followers of The Westboro Baptist Church. Show them the love and care that they refused to show to the families of those soldiers. How amazing would that be?

Maybe I'm more of a bleeding heart liberal than I like to admit to. Maybe the best thing to do is to let the followers of the church feel what all those families felt when they showed up to mourn the loss of a loved one and were greeted with hatred by people who never knew that loved one. Maybe for some people the only way they learn is by an eye for an eye. Or, maybe the best thing to do is lead by example.

I'm not professing to know which scenario would best change the hearts and minds of people as far out as the followers of The Westboro Baptist Church. But even if you don't change one heart or mind that day, in my opinion, it would be much more satisfying to meet that hatred with love.

Happy Valentines Day

2014-02-08T22:26:00.001-07:00

As we get set to embark on one of the most romantic holidays ever created, I wanted to check with you guys and make sure we all understand the importance of Valentines Day.

Before we can fully understand the importance of this holiday for couples around the globe, we should first learn the history of it. You can find it here (http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133693152/the-dark-origins-of-valentines-day). Condensed version however is that the Ancient Romans created it from their festival called Lupercalia, a fertility ritual basically, where men and women were paired randomly. Now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to business.

Guys, I hope you planned ahead and set those reservations at your local Applebee's, or if you're a real romantic worth his weight in gold, Red Lobster. Because nothing says "you mean the world to me" like Cheddar Biscuits from Red Lobster. That's only partially joke, Cheddar Biscuits are more important than engagement rings fellas. This year should truly be something special for all the couples celebrating because it'll be on a Friday. With Valentines Day falling on a Friday, you will have to incur more than the normal amount of difficulty getting a table, or if you really love her...a booth and yes it matters.

By the way, I hope you had flowers already ordered and got her work address right; because let's be real, if you dont send the flowers to her office where the bitter single ladies can see them then why get her flowers at all? It's only partially about the gesture of you spending at least an hours worth of salary on meaningless plants that are basically overpriced air freshener. It's more about the announcement that your woman, your special lady, is taken. And some of the ladies in the office...aren't. Ladies, you better believe that the women who aren't, may be smiling and "admiring" your gorgeous bouquet on the outside, but on the inside they hope you eat some bad crab at Red Lobster tonight and get food poisoning. Only after you stick your face into your bouquet to sniff your red roses and you suddenly break out in some nasty herpes looking rash because you're suddenly allergic.

Almost as important as the flowers to work, is some sort of chocolate. Nothing says "I love your beauty" more than an acne breakout in a heart shaped box. You better mean it fellas, because after she smashes that box of mystery chocolates not only will she break out like a 15 year old girl before school pictures and be completely unrecognizable.

If you do it all perfectly guys, you may get lucky at the end of the night. However, if you get lucky are you really lucky? You both had a very large meal, and you better believe you each had at least four Cheddar Biscuits. Not to mention dessert; because your lovely lady deserves cheesecake or a molten lava chocolate cake if her little heart desires it. And ladies, you better eat dessert. If your man is taking you out on Valentines day, then you can rest assured that he won't leave you for at least a few weeks because he's just made a big investment in you. Get that food item that leaves you bloated. You also have to consider the fact that you're eating for lonely Karen from the office as well. Anyway, with all that considered, bloated gassy sex is the last thing that should happen.

Basically what I'm saying is that Valentines day is ridiculous. Nothing about any of these rituals is special. Few things tell your significant other they are special like getting them gifts on the exact same day as millions of other significant others getting gifts. Not to mention, they are receiving gifts not because you just thought they deserved it, but because it's expected because hallmark says so. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Either way, at least you know how I feel.

The Booty Titanic

2014-01-25T23:18:00.001-07:00

Oh, my white brethren...you've done it again. You continue to take cruises and continue to fall victim to numerous "accidents". The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Well, it appears you guys are insane.

First, let me clarify. I say white brethren because there is something engrained deeply in the genetic make up of black people that will not allow us to get on a giant ship/boat, with a lot of other people and not be paranoid. You've probably never realized it, but we don't do boats. Every time you've gone fishing or waterskiing, I can almost guarantee you won't or haven't seen a black person out on the water. If you catch us on the water, it's by accident or we're too drunk to disagree. The only boat it's acceptable to catch a black person on is the Banana Boat.

Now, when I think vacation, I'm definitely not thinking of one of the most terrific ways to die. Because that's what a cruise is. It's a terrific way to die. Who doesn't want to go down with the band in Titanic and a couple thousand of your closest strangers? I won't even get on a ferry, and the only reason I ride the lazy river at Water World is because my feet can touch the bottom. Not to mention if something goes wrong on the lazy river, it's every man for himself. Not this "let the elderly, the women, and the children be saved first" mentality. EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!

I thought this was 2014... Why are we still traveling by boat? I thought people knew the best way to travel was by direct flights. If I want to see the Carribean, I will be taking direct flights to all my destinations, not taking the upgraded version of Columbus' first stops in the slave trade. At least if something goes wrong on a plane it's a relatively quick death. ("Ahhh, I'm hangliding...I'm dead"). However, how long was the terrifying death scene in Titanic? Wasn't that single scene like it's own VHS tape on the original version? And that's a movie. In movies they condense things so you don't fall asleep. So technically it took Leonardo Di Caprio like 30 hours to freeze to death (its science. Look it up). I know most cruises aren't in freezing waters, but every cruise goes right through a sharks living room, and they're waiting to make you pay for intruding. Whenever a cruise ship goes down sharks refer to it as Thanksgiving.

Did the people on this cruise not see what happened to those people on that cruise a few years ago, where they lost power and had to take poops like cavemen? Right over the side folks. Nothing says relaxation like being a dead battery away from the State of Nature (Big ups to John Locke). Also, nothing says relaxation like Diarrhea, vomiting and gastrointestinal disease while stuck in a tiny room that traps smells like an elevator full of fat guys after a chili luncheon.

While I don't advise taking all your life lessons from black people, you can certainly take a few. One of these lessons is not twerking. You guys ruined that and made the news anchors sound stupid. Look at how we travel. Planes, trains and automobiles folks. Death is quick if something goes wrong, and help is usually pretty close...unless your driving through Kansas...or Nebraska, or rural Texas. You get the point.

Here's the article.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/25/travel/cruise-ship-illness/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Help! I'm Being Domesticated

2013-11-19T21:27:00.001-07:00

As many of you may know, I've had a whirlwind 4 months. Becoming a dad, and then almost simultaneously purchasing a home. What many of you don't know, is that I'm slowly falling victim to a crime that happens all over this great nation everyday, but continues to go unprosecuted. The crime I speak of takes hundreds and thousands of men's self image daily. The crime: American Male Domestication.

"What does the crime include"? Well, I'm glad you asked. When a red blooded American male is out of captivity and free to roam, he parties, he watches football endlessly. He takes naps recklessly and sticks his hands in his pants without worry of who may be watching. However, in the process of American Male Domestication there are many symptoms that indicate you are being domesticated.

SYMPTOMS

1) If you find yourself ordering coffee from Starbucks and your coffee includes more than zero machiattos or lattes.

2)If you know what drink your female counterpart wants from said Starbucks and you can recite it forward, backwards, and say it in Italian, French or whatever the hell language that damn menu is in with no problem.

3) If you aren't working, aren't dressing up for some special occasion, or aren't playing golf, what in the Sam hell is your shirt doing tucked in your pants.

3B) If you're tucking your tshirt in your jeans, and wearing some ridiculous New Balance shoes that don't match your outfit and you never go running. Don't even attempt to turn around and go the opposite direction. You are in too deep, it's too late for you. All you can do is preach the good word to the up and coming males and warn of this epidemic.

4) If your Christmas list includes: Peace and quiet, tools, and a Starbucks Card, exactly in that order. (This is my particular affliction)

5) If you clothes shop at WalMart. I don't mean socks and underwear. I mean jeans, shoes, the whole nine yards. You've clearly given up on man hood and trying to appear attractive to the opposite sex and now your female counterpart just deals with you because she's stuck with you.

-there is one exception to this rule: The Nascar WalMarter. This man shops at Walmart because everything manly for him is found here. Nothing more manly than an Intimidator tshirt and some wranglers.

If you find you are experiencing any of these symptoms, resist immediately and proceed with any one of these solutions.

Solutions: Grow a manly mustache, walk around with bear chest and fist fight like you live in the 1920's.

Go on a weekend drinking binge like you were in college again, or if you have to, as a last resort, wear a pair of jorts(jean shorts) with a cut off tee shirt and drink beer and curse nonstop.

Guys, I'm here to warn you. I'm beginning to fall victim I this crime. I've tried the police but they don't seem to care. I need Johnny Cochran to help but he's long gone. Use this blog as a warning to all men to come. Don't fall into this trap. Keep being reckless, keep your hand in your pants, and for gods sake, don't go to bed before 10pm unless your work crazy hours.

Boo This Man!

2013-09-15T18:00:00.001-06:00

Have you ever been to a sporting event and witnessed the behavior deemed acceptable? It's completely hilarious but at the same time it's nonsensical. People booing other people, people throwing things, and of course people flipping the bird. Have you ever stopped to consider how this behavior would be received in the real world? I have.

What would happen if while your checking out at King Soopers, me and three of my closest friends stood behind you and screamed obscenities at you while you load your groceries on the belt? "Hurry up you lousy son of a b*tch. If it were up to me I'd trade you. You should be happy I'm not your wife, I don't know why they let you in the store!" My buddies and I are fans of the store and you're in our house. Not to mention as you leave the parking lot to take that long road trip back home, we moon you and throw eggs at your vehicle.

For better comparison, lets take it to your job, since the guys you're booing are at work.

"Hey, you sign twirling bastard, get a real job. You know McDonald's is hiring."

"Barista, you better get this coffee right. I have you on my fantasy team and this is your last chance. You mess this up and you're gonna end up like Pacman Jones; or worse...OJ Simpson. I'll call Magic Johnson himself and let him know what a shitty job you've been doing."

Even worse than the blatant stupidity displayed at games is the blatant stupidity displayed in casual sports conversation or talk radio. I've too often heard average guys talk about football or other sports like they've been there or like they truly understand what's going on. "Why did he throw the ball there? He's an idiot." This comes from a guy who was a below average junior varsity linebacker on a 2-8 team in his glory days. That's the equivalent of me coming to his IT job and talking trash. "Why did you write that code like that? Don't make me send your ass back to the matrix. An eight year old could do a better job with an abacus. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, you write that code and get it right or ill have you gone faster than a virus on a computer"

You hear how ridiculous this all sounds? You sound the exact same way in the stands, on your couch, in your car, or wherever you yell at professionals or whenever you discuss things you don't fully understand. So please do us all a favor and sit down and shut the hell up. Thank you.

Excuse Me If I'm a Chipotle Snob

2013-08-20T00:35:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I must admit that I...Am a Chipotle Snob. They always say that the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. However, I don't believe that being a Chipotle snob is a problem; I'm actually rather fond of it. When I go to order my burrito, my bowl, or whatever it may be; I know exactly what I want BEFORE I get to the front of the line. I always say please and thank you, as well as asking how the person prepping my meal is, because as every Chipotle snob knows it is crucial that the person making your burrito be in a good place for your burrito to reach its maximum tastiness.
However, I've digressed from my original point of starting this blog. I am a Chipotle Snob, and I am tired of going in to pick up the worlds tastiest linner(lunch +dinner=...Dunch also works here) and being forced to witness a plethora of rookie mistakes while I wait on line. Its akin to watching a beheading involuntarily. Yes, it's that painful to watch. I've composed a list of the top mistakes and plain Idiocracy I've witnessed. Please alert your friends and family, as we don't want them to fall victim to these same mistakes.

1) Don't let your child order for themself: Children are feable, weak minded human beings and most children, when given multiple choices, will freeze up like a monkey in outer space. You, the adult must do the ordering for the child. DO NOT consult with this weak minded half person and slow the line down because you want your kid to feel special. Lady, your kid is no more special than the one that I left in the car with the engine running, so lets speed this process up.

2A) The sneeze guard isn't just for appearance: I have seen too many people lurch over the glass and put their booger makers directly over the salsa choices, only to open their mouths and let the burrito artist (Yes, it is art. Akin to the Mona Lisa) know exactly which ingredient they would like in their food. Was it at all necessary for you to subject the rest of the public to your ill manners and stupidity, not to mention your poor hygiene, when you could have spoken from behind the glass? I didn't think so.

2B)Also, don't reach your dumb assed hand over the sneeze guard to point directly to the ingredient that you want. These ladies may not speak perfect english, or any at all, but trust me, they understand the words mild, hot, and corn. It may be the only three English words that they understand but they know them well. So stop with the reach around. Thats only ok in one place and it is not your friendly neighborhood Chipotle.
3)Get the phone off your damn head: Unless the person on the other end is President Obama and he is explaning the reasons for NSA spying then take the damn Iphone from your head. Trust me, whatever your saying can wait for two minutes until you reach the cashier and then you can call your co-worker back to complain about Brittany in HR.

4)Be ready to go: There need not be any contemplation on what you would like to order. Any indecision you may have had, better be worked out in your head by the time you get to the tortilla warmer. If you pause to look up at the very limited menu, the person behind you has the right to smack you in the back of the head so hard that you will feel like a runaway slave.
In addition to that, don't ever take an order, by phone, of someone who is not at the restaurant. Having a text order is fine, but the minute you begin to spit off all the options for food to the person on the phone your Chipotle privileges are removed and you go to the back of the line or to the nearest nearest nursing home. That way you can understand what it feels like to be pissed on by the person in front of you. We are usually in a hurry and don't want our 30 minute corporate lunch "hour" ruined by that fecal matter that you call a brain.

This list is not exhaustive, but I am exhausted. I'm tired of watching you miscrients destroy my burritoful experience. I don't come to your house during the Super Bowl and break the TV and ruin your day, so don't ruin mine and coutless other peoples day.
I know that you all aren't such piss poor human beings that you could forget these easy rules. Pass these on. Abide by them, and I can assure you that we will all be better for it. Or at the very least, the little Spanish speaking ladies behind the counter will appreciate it.

VIVA CHIPOTLE!!!

Stupid Teenagers

2013-06-11T20:14:00.001-06:00

I definitely understand what it's like to be a teenager cause I was one not too long ago. I remember constantly thinking I was so important and life was so difficult. I also remember thinking that us teenagers were so slick. That if our parents only knew what we were doing they would kill us, or beat us within an inch of our lives. So in fear of of losing our lives or never seeing the light of day again we would try our damnedest to keep our bad decisions from our parents. Kids these days seem to be doing the opposite.

Technology seems to be having a negative effect on today's youth and their social norms. Never would my generation ever record ourselves making a twerking video and post it online. My mom would have whooped me in public and made everybody in the neighborhood watch. It's one thing to make a bad decision and then your parents find out, but it's another thing to make a series of bad decisions. The twerking video is a series of dumb assed(pun intended) decisions.

Decision 1) "We should get some girls to Twerk" (the teenage boy in me can't say this is a bad decision but neither is it good)

Decision 2) "We should record this twerking so we can recall it later and laugh/boast about it" (the story itself should be enough. This is a stupid decision)

Decision 3) "We should post this video we made, and edited, to YouTube so the whole world can see it." (Stupid,stupid,stupid)

Some things are meant to be stories and stories only. Someone in this generation will have to be president one day...how many twerking videos will come out during the campaign, and what will be an excusable amount?

Personally, I think the worst part is that these kids never learn what is smart and what isn't. How many stupid kids need to get caught fighting, when no adults were around, because someone recorded it and sent it out to all their friends, before they learn to not record the damn fight?

Apparently the camera phone is the brain drain of this generation. However, I look forward to voting when I'm 60 for a guy or girl who makes Herman Cain and Arnold Schwarzenegger look like saints.

My Weekend at The Southwest Regional

2013-06-02T22:41:00.000-06:00

I first want to congratulate all the competitors on their weekend, as it was impressive to see the broad range of fitness across a broad range of body types. The longer I continue with Crossfit the more I am amazed at what the human body can accomplish. I watched a 120 pound woman, I'm probably over estimating, overhead squat 200 pounds like it was just a 45 pound barbell. I witnessed a male competitor power clean, jerk, and overhead squat 305 pounds like it was a childs toy. These pure displays of strength, stamina and endurance coupled with outrageous physiques kept my jaw on the floor for the entire weekend.

In the Muslim religion, each person is required in their life to make a journey/pilgrimage, or Hajj, to the holy and sacred city of Mecca. This tradition is to display ones submission to Allah and the Muslim religion. It is also to display the solidarity of the Muslim people. Although Crossfit isn't a religion, it most certainly is a way of life just like being a devout Muslim. I whole heartedly recommend taking the Hajj to a Crossfit Regional competition, or the Crossfit Games if you can afford it and are looking to make the next step in your fitness life.
These competitions will open your eyes as to what it takes to get the body you want, or just to increase your Fran time. It takes a complete buy in. The people who are the best all have one thing in common...they have bought in completely and fully believe in themselves. Obviously it takes talent and hardwork to get to where these athletes are in their fitness careers but the buy in is the most important. I can fully attest to working hard in the gym, but up until about a month ago I hadn't really began to buy in. I wasn't invested with more than just my time and dollars. A full buy in takes that next step to mental buy in, the full commitment to a lifestyle and way of thinking that success in any endeavor requires.
With this being said, I will begin my complete buy in process right this second. While it will be tough, arduous and very tempting to quit, I am buying in completely. It will not happen overnight, but consider me a competitive Crossfitter from here on out.
While this blog has been mostly about Crossfit, take my experience and apply it to your life. If you want to own a successful restaurant of your own one day, frequent a successful restaurant and see what it takes to make it happen. Go behind the scenes and watch the hardwork and preparation that goes into it. Apply this technique to any walk of life. Since I want to be the best at Crossfitting, I needed this trip. While it hurt my pockets, it was well worth the experience. You will feel the same way about your experiences, I can assure you.

My Random Thoughts

2013-04-29T22:18:00.001-06:00

A collection of random thoughts. These would normally be tweets but I let you guys in this time.

Why do redheads not have souls and when was the meeting to decide that they are the people to make fun of?

Where do racial slurs come from?
Is Jew the only slur that is actually a way of referring to a type of person?
It's all in the adjectives before the Jew I guess.
"He's a loving Jew" or "he's a dirty Jew".
Why are Jews so special that people who hate them get a special term? Anti-Semitic. If you hate any other group your just racist.

Why is it called pooping? That's not the sound it makes. It would be more appropriate to call it plopping. Or maybe splashing.

Why is a mustache called that? It implies that you must have one. Why is a mustache with no other facial hair a sure way to distinguish child molesters? Do they have meetings and decide on the correct grooming to be part of the club? If so, they're awfully organized and we have bigger problems on our hands.

What would it take for me to be in a McDonalds commercial singing an R&B song about the McRib? I have dignity, but I also have rent to pay.
When did it become acceptable for there to not be a guy in the back cooking your burger? If that was sushi and they just pulled it out of a drawer you wouldn't eat it.
Why is it called a French fry? Wouldn't potato string be more appropriate?

How come I never see any Native Americans?

Who started fruits? Why is an orange called an orange and a banana not called a yellow? Was the orange the last fruit to be discovered the guy naming fruits was sleepy? It just seems lazy.
Are Hispanic and Latino the same thing?
We should research their blood and figure out what it is about them that makes them work so hard.
Then when we figure it out inject it into kids today.
Only in America can we make it a bad thing for an ethnicity to work hard.

Why is there a special name for no hair? There isn't a special name for people with hair.

That's it for now

I'm Coming Out...

2013-04-29T10:46:00.001-06:00

For those of you who don't know an NBA player officially came out and announced to the media that he was gay, and today it is a big deal in the sports world. While Jason Collins is an NBA player without a team right now this is not a big deal. In my eyes, no one should care. Jason Collins is not the president of the United States and his private life is none of our business.
To be completely honest, I've never really understood the need for gay people to come out of the closet officially and announce it to the world. Does a straight person announce to their parents that their straight? Or how about the person who enjoys being in a book club that reads 50 Shades of Gray? What people do in their personal life is their business and that alone.
I can guarantee, in my life I've had multiple gay teammates on all my sports teams combined. Does that change the way they catch a football, of hand off the baton? No. It most certainly shouldn't affect how we look at them as people.

Here is the link to the Jason Collins article.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/magazine/news/20130429/jason-collins-gay-nba-player/?mobile=no

Same Love

2013-03-26T22:44:00.001-06:00

Only a person who has never been discriminated against can sit in their throne and discriminate. It angers me deeply that two consenting adults are not allowed to engage in an act that stands to harm no one but themselves. To think that just a few decades ago women couldn't vote, blacks were lynched, miscegenation was illegal, and the proponents of these laws felt as deeply impassioned about their cause as people do today about gay marriage.

In my opinion, those who sit in their throne and cast stones, simply lack empathy. They cannot put themselves in another persons shoes and imagine how it would feel to have a group of people tell you that your relationship is wrong. That you don't have the right to get married to the person you love because it is in a book older than us and our parents ages multiplied.

I thought the bible taught love, acceptance and brotherhood. However, all people have used it for has been hatred, war, and excuses. All I ask of those opposed to gay marriage, is to genuinely put yourself in the shoes of a gay person. You are deeply in love and cannot see yourself with another person. All you wish to do is cement your love for one another, and it to be accepted by those who love you, and of course a court of law. You are not recognized the same way your brother or sister is.

I hope in the coming days and weeks, as this topic is undertaken in many circles, that fruitful discussion is spurred. That maybe a mind can be changed, and maybe even empathy be understood. Most importantly, I hope that we be the change that the world needs to see.

MeteorWronglogist

2013-03-12T22:44:00.001-06:00

I have an iPhone with a weather app on it so I can check the weather and plan my dress accordingly. I have began to think I'm wasting my time however, and may delete the app. Every day I have gotten in the habit of getting up and looking out the window because these damn meteorologist aren't to be trusted!

Today was supposed to be in the 50s-60s and sunny in Denver. Well I get out of bed and look out the window and there is a nice slick 2 or so inches of snow on the ground and the sun is on vacation. Who the hell is responsible for this kind of screw up?
Only a weatherman/woman could get something that wrong and not pay the price. Only weather people are allowed to be this wrong, this often. If you or I were ever as blatantly wrong as a weatherman, we would be fired and forced to pay the company back because our lack of knowledge proves we lied on our résumé and have been stealing from the company.

By the way, you ever notice that there isn't not a one black weatherman? You know why that is? Because if a black person was ever that wrong about something the media would make a huge example out of him. I can see it now. "Fox news has just received word of a ground breaking story. A black man predicted the weather wrong in Colorado. He will be fired and is expected to be sued by every resident in the state for mental anguish and bringing those damn storm clouds. We are also reporting that President Obama is to blame for appointing this negro to his office of regional weatherman. Congress will also be editing the death penalty for this black weatherman and law banning negroes from giving us any forecasts".

Here is my proposal: Every time a weather person incorrectly forecasts weather they have to complete a series of acts.
1)They must publicly apologize for getting the weather way wrong and confirm that they are in fact idiots.
2) They must take either a vicious kidney shot from a boxer or MMA fighter live on tv.
3) They must take a pie in the face live on tv.
4) They must apologize again while their co workers ridicule them live on tv.

This is not a repetitive thing. After 3 offenses they must parade naked through the downtown area of their respective city hoping to keep their job, only to be fired for embarrassing the company.

The Nuggets are Dangerous

2013-03-07T23:01:00.001-07:00

What I am about to say is going to hurt me very, very deeply. I am not going to enjoy this, and it will linger and make me feel like a traitor for a very long time. I already feel like I need to take a long hot shower just for thinking this.

THE DENVER NUGGETS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS TEAM IN THE ASSOCIATION.

There I said it. It has taken me a very long time to come to this realization. I've seen this coming for a very long time with the acquisition of all these young dynamic players (obviously Andre Miller and his atrocious haircuts don't count as young). The Nuggets, in my eyes, can beat just about any team at home with that run and gun style and their downright depth. Including Miami.
The Laker fan in me is sobbing like a toddler who didn't get McDonalds when it was promised to him. I wasn't ready for the day to come when the Nuggets would be able to consistently put the pounding on The Lakeshow. I still try and fight it. I watch the games hoping Shaq will come out of the booth, put the body on Fareed and show him how to play in the post. However, it never happens.
What instead happens is Mike D'Antoni stands on the sideline and watches the Nuggets like a jealous girlfriend. The Denver Nuggets are what D'Antoni wishes the Lakers could be, but age and talent dictate that it will never happen.
Don't get this message misconstrued. Just because I acknowledge the talent of the Nuggets, does not mean I am rooting for them. I wholeheartedly hope they do not advance pass the first round because I know my Lakers most likely won't.

I'll tell you what though, the Denver Nuggets will never be half the franchise the Lakers are. *Stuart Scott voice* HATER IN THE HOUSE

LAKESHOW FOR LIFE SNITCHES.

The Lion King

2013-03-07T08:29:00.001-07:00

Are we really shocked that a lion killed a lady that was in his cage? First off, Lions don't belong in cages. They are WILD ANIMALS. Why do people try to conquer these beasts of the wild and put them in cages? It's not logical. I enjoy visiting the zoo and seeing the lions from 70 feet away, but it's not anymore invigorating than seeing it in slow motion attack a herd of wildebeest on Discovery Channel.
What do people really expect to happen when you get in the cage with a born killer? "But the lion has been in captivity his whole life, he isn't supposed to do that" *in a whiny voice*. Lions are ingrained with the ability to kill and eat, and I think that lady in his cage forgot that her body is a giant T-Bone steak. It might even taste better than a T-Bone because she may have been eating lots of berries and such. I equate getting in the cage with a lion to putting a 12 year old girl in a cell with a pedophile and turning your back. What do you think is going to happen?
I keep watching the news and they are trying to figure out what provoked the lion...maybe it was dessert? She probably showered in her bath and body works Montreal Steak body wash. I don't know if you've ever had Montreal Steak seasoning but I would have eaten her if she smelled like that.

Bad Breath...
See Crest. Out.

You Look Kinda Dumb

2013-03-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to set the record straight. I am sure I am not the first person to tackle this subject and i'm sure I wont be the last; however that is not going to stop me from laying into the ladies...(no jokes intended). I can't take it anymore, you guys all look the same. Everywhere I go on a Saturday afternoon it seems like I keep running into the same woman but with subtle differences each time. One time she may have blonde hair, the next time she may be a soul less ginger but still the same woman. Ok, I'm obviously being a little tongue in cheek here but you get the point. Here are a list of things that women wear and do that guys think looks ridiculous but they still do it.

1) Uggs. Obviously: Every guy will admit to his friends that you Look like an idiot. Unless you are living in the Artic, Antartic, or there is snow on the ground then there is no reason for you to be wearing these "boots" on your feet. I call them "boots" because they aren't technically boots. The definition of boots is "A sturdy item of footwear covering the foot, the ankle, and sometimes the leg below the knee." Look at these disgraces. They certainly are not sturdy. You might as well be wearing flip flops with socks and leg warmers because thats how dumb you look.

2) Leggings, a skirt and Uggs: I've already stated my position on leggings in previous blogs and if you don't recall it then go back and read my blogs. The purpose of leggings is to keep the legs warm, then the idea and purpose behind a skirt is the keep the legs cool because it is hot out. Lastly, the point of the overpriced Chewbacca socks is to keep your feet warm. Not only does this combination make you look stupid, but it makes your body feel stupid as well. It doesn't know whether to sweat to cool you or shiver to heat you. Just stop it. The worst culprit of this is CU Boulder. On any given day, when the temperature is below 40 degrees, half of the females student body members are wearing the exact same outfit.

3) Skinny Jeans, Frog Body: First, imagine a frog out in nature. Out in the pond just enjoying its wonderful carefree life. Then a human comes along and domesticates this frog, stands it up and puts pants on it. No butt and no real size to the legs...all the weight is in the midsection.

I notice this in teenage girls more than in adults. A girl who does not need to be wearing tight clothing is wearing the tightest jeans she could fit her little frog legs in, however, everything else, that is MUCH BIGGER than her legs, is hanging over the edge of those jeans. Not only that, but the shirt she is wearing is sucking the life force out of her and her extra flabs of skin are exposed. Since their parents aren't brave enough to tell them to change before they leave the house, it is our responsibility as men to stare with obvious discontent until they see us. Then stare more.

4) Anything Lady/Guy Gaga wears: No more words needed

5) Anything Snookie wears...

6) Out late with heels in hand: I absolute hate when I go out for a night on the town and I see a girl walking around with her heels in her hand and she is barefoot on public sidewalks. First, before you start to think of excuses for this lady, think if the roles were reversed. What if you saw a guy walking around with his sneakers in his hand and barefoot after a night out. You'd be like "what is this bum doing walking around without shoes". So with that in mind, why is it different when girls do it? Whats more disgusting than walking around the puke ridden streets of Downtown Denver without shoes on. The homeless don't even walk around sans shoes. Not only is this disgusting but it takes the fun away from watching girls almost break their ankles while walking down the sidewalks riddled with cracks. If you have never played "Is it the booze or the shoes" you are missing out. Watch girls with high heels walk down the sidewalk after they have been to the bar and you and your sober friends guess whether the booze is why she is walking funny, or if its just her uncomfortable heels.

7) The Duck Face:

We get it, you want to take a picture of yourself but don't know what face to make. Not being creative enough to just smile you decide to purse your lips together making the infamous duck face. No matter how attractive you may be, or may have appeared prior to this you have forever shamed yourself and your family. If this were Ancient China you would have brought shame to your family and been exiled to Mongolia. Get it together ladies and stop doing this. No one thinks its cute...deep inside not even you.

I don't have time to continue to vent. Guys and gals, feel free to comment and add your stupid girl habits and fashions. Entertain me. Its time the roles be reversed, plus you guys didn't do anything special for me for Black History Month. Thank God McDonalds introduced the Fish McBites though.

Divisional Playoff Picture

2013-01-09T22:42:00.004-07:00

First off, I want to apologize for not finishing last weeks blog post, but in the tradition of being a true procrastinator I never got around to it the way I intended to. Psych, I'm not apologizing to you girls. I do this for free for your enjoyment. You should be apologizing to me for allowing me to waste my time on entertaining you guys. Anywho, this good looking slim thing above is Tom Bradys wife Giselle. I figured the best way to get some of you degenerates attention was to put a scantily clad woman as the picture.

So, what did we learn last week? We learned that Ray Lewis is very intense and emotional. I would compare Ray Lewis' intensity to that of me when I learn that it isn't just a fart, but instead is a present for the porcelain god. Really though, are you ever more intense than when looking for a toilet in that moment? It happens to the best of us. We also learned that having a robot like name doesn't ensure you are built like a robot. It actually ensures that you are not a robot. RGIII fell apart in front of our faces. I think the III at the end of his name will end up being the amount of knee surgeries he will need in his football career (Vegas is taking prop bets on this). Another thing we learned is that while men may love redheaded women...(you know who you are), football teams do not like being led by a firecrotch. Lastly, we learned that the Joe Webb is the pride of UAB...but thats all he'll ever be. Now on to this weeks games.

This week there will be an unprecendented event happening that is sure to go unnoticed if it weren't for geniuses like myself. This week in the playoffs, people like Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Matt Schaub and Matt Ryan will be performing on a national stage. For the first time in NFL history, four of the quarterbacks playing in the divisional playoffs will have MORE FOREHEAD THAN EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COMBINED.

This has got to be the most overlooked indicator for success in football. If you have a white son, who plays quarterback, who has a big ass forehead...the kid is tapped for success. Just make him stick to it. You have got to be kidding me. These are some giant foreheads. I am pretty sure Megamind has been spreading his seed throughout the USA. Now on to this weeks individual matchups

Ravens VS Broncos
The first game of the divisional weekend that is going to be a dud in my opinion. "Hey diddle diddle, Ray Rice up the middle" wont be of much use this weekend because I was told by a very reliable source (Peyton Manning used his giant foreheads ability to look into the future) that they are going to go up by 14 or 17 points in the first half and unleash that big nerd (Von Miller) they have as an outside linebacker on Joe Flacco. Von Miller will have at least two sacks during this game using as tackling fuel all the names Ray Rice use to call him in 4th grade; (among them are four eyes and baby teeth). Broncos will coast to a win unless Ray Lewis uses his inner inmate to stab, I mean knock, Peyton Manning out of the game.

Packers VS 49ers
As I am a Niners fan I am unallowed to pick against my team. However, I do believe the discount double check may work out as Aaron Rodgers will need State Farm to double check for life insurance as the Niners defense shows him what San Francisco is all about. (Besides open extreme gay love, and hippies) Gangs and Defense, Thats what California does. On offense however I will warn of the ability of Colin Kaepernick. Not his arms, or his legs...but his nose. Dude has a nose on him. This nose will allow him to smell what the defense is doing, along with what they had for dinner the night before and who was taking part in San Franciscos Red Light District...UGH.

Seahawks VS Falcons
This will be great game. Intensity on both defensive squads and big hits to boot. Matt Ryan has never won a playoff game and it won't start this year. What will go wrong is a combination of things starting from Atlantas high population of down low men (gay men posing as straight men). Many of these guys are on the Falcons squad but the only obvious one is Asante Samuels. I don't have any proof of this, but his name just sounds like a great gay guys name. Asante and many other players will be out the night before the game gaying it up (singing Beyonce songs and dance battling in high heels) causing them to be exhausted for the big game. The biggest factor in the game will be Russell Wilson. This guy has been a problem for defenses all year. Not because of his running ability or his passing ability. It is because of his ETHNICITY!!! What is he? No one knows. This is what haunts defenses. They try to read his eyes in zone defense and they just get lost in thought "He's looking at the slot receiver...wait, I wonder... is he black? But he looks like he could be Indian. No, not Native American Indian but red dot Indian. Shit, he just threw the ball" TOUCHDOWN. The defenses lack of understanding of what Russell Wilson is will continue to cause confusion and the Seahawks will win by about 5.

Texans VS Patriots
This being the only game that has two of the big forehead QB's going head to head (HA, see what I did there. I don't get enough credit). The best head will prevail. Let us look at these noggins worthy of bloggin (Damn I'm good). Both foreheads have attractive wives and thus tie in that department. Tom Brady has had a better career, even though both QB's got their start as backups to decent QB's. Tom Brady earned his spot while Matt Schaub was simply given his. Endorsement deals...Matt Schaub, if he doesn't have an endorsement for hair club for men then he should. Tom Brady reps for Uggs and Stetson. I hate Uggs and Stetson smells like the bedroom when you walk in on your parents doing the nasty. Most importantly, both of these foreheads have cavemen for targets (Andre Johnson and Gronk). Since Gronk is the only one of these two who can go out after losing the Super Bowl and party like a kid who went solo to prom and drank to much by himself, and get away with it, The Patriots get the nod. It will be a decisive victory.

BAD BREATH...
SEE CREST??? OUT!!!

Your NFL Playoff Picture Game 1

2013-01-03T17:25:00.001-07:00

First Off, let us reflect upon where we were at this time last year. We were on the verge of watching Timothy Dick Tebow play his first playoff game after backing in. Somehow in that game the Broncos managed to win and I was at that moment convinced that there was a God and this Dick Tebow guy had managed to become best friends with him. I was willing and ready to hand my life over to the Mormon church and worship with them, and then in a weird twist of fate God showed me that I shouldn't believe everything this Tebow guy was preaching and let the Patriots break his ribs and thoroughly abuse him.

I was reinvigorated, much like the neck of Peyton Manning which is to thank for killing the career of this Tebow character. Now in this new NFL playoff picture there is only one relevant Christian and he plays for the Minnesota Vikings. Anyway, lets breakdown these playoff match ups in a much more interesting way than they do on ESPN.

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans

QB: Matt Schaub has a rapidly receding hairline Andy Dalton has a head that is the same color as a lit match. I will have to give the edge here to Andy Dalton. Even though redheads are only cool in fantasies and pastries (Little Debbies), no one likes an old balding guy unless he's funny.

WR: Both teams have dominant tall black guys. The Bengals have AJ Green who is about as physically gifted as they come. He can jump and contort his body in all kinds of ways and make some pretty incredible ways. The Texans have Andre Johnson who is also a physical freak and looks like the product of genetic altering and slave breeding combined. Even though AJ is only one letter away from being the greatest person alive I will have to give Andre the upper hand in this category for fear that if he found out I didn't he would give me one of those Cortland Finnegan beat downs

Defense: I have seen the effect JJ Watt can have on a game and while I fully understand that, there are many other things to consider. First off, the Texans defensive coordinator is Wade Phillips, son of Bum Phillips. With that being said we all know how I feel about BUMS. Also, if you haven't seen Wade Phillips, he looks like the byproduct of a Newt Gingrich and Roseanne Barr love child. The most important factor however is the fact that Cincinnati has more Samoans. I don't know if you have ever seen a Samoan in real life but they are the most intimidating people on the earth next to Black people, Asians in all black, and deranged looking white guys (they blow things up). Advantage goes to Cincinnati.

Overall: With the distraction of Andy Daltons fiery red hair, and the Samoans making everyone poo their pants on the Texans offense, the Bengals will win this game with a fair amount of ease. That is unless Andre goes Rick James on someone again. Then who knows what will happen.

"Your Honor...She Wasn't With Me Shooting in the Gym"

2012-11-09T22:30:00.001-07:00

This is something I've been ranting about for a very long time and I figured I should bring it to the people.
Divorce!!! We all have in some way, shape, or form been affected by a divorce. However, no one is affected the way a professional mans wallet is. It is absolutely ridiculous the way we penalize a man for being successful and having a woman by his side during that time.
First example: Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.
This man had it all. He was the greatest golfer of all time and was reaching a whole new level of stardom...and then it happened. It happens to every great man; they think they are invincible. He was sleeping his way around the world, trying to create world peace. His wife didn't like it though. So instead of trying to figure out where she went wrong in all of this, because there was clearly something she wasn't doing (tongue planted firmly in cheek) she decided to divorce him. Okay, now I totally understand that she felt betrayed and was publicly humiliated but how much is that worth? Maybe five or six million dollars tops right? Nope, apparently her job as a wife was worth $750 million!!! Are you kidding me?
You mean to tell me, that Elin Nordegren was so valuable to Tiger Woods career that she would have earned $750 million dollars in that time? Get the HELL out of here.
Second Example
Kobe "Black Mamba" Bryant
I'm pretty sure everyone knows about this situation. Kobe Bryant had extramarital sex with some trashy lady in Eagle county, Colorado while there to get knee surgery. To the unintelligent who are reading my blog, extramarital does not mean extra sex with his wife. It means he was cheating. While he was accused of rape, and openly admitted to cheating on his wife she stuck by his side like conjoined twin myslexia (where's my South Park fans).
On a side note what was the girl doing to have so many Semens in her underwear? The only logical excuse for this is that she is a competitive sex addict and she was competing that day.

Anyway, Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa Bryant fought through all that publicity and public humiliation while Kobe was fighting the case and still balling like a Hall of Famer. Then out of nowhere they were suddenly separated and ready to get divorced.
It was reported that she was going to get upwards of 150 Million dollars!!! At least according to my sources... Drake.
Was her public humiliation worth 150 Million? Absolutely not. Once again her humiliation was probably worth a few millions dollars and maybe a few Coach bags, but 150 Million?
I have lots of memories of Kobe Bryant on the court while winning his multiple championships. The alley oop to Shaq, him hugging the trophy with the nasty uncombed afro and multiple clutch shots on the way to those titles. None of these memories incorporated Vanessa Bryant. You know why that is? Because she never dunked on anyone in her life. She never hit the game winning jumper, never even hit a clutch lay up, and the only oop she's throwing has nothing to do with basketball(if you know what I mean)

All in all, don't get married if you have that much to lose people. You would think professional athletes would learn by now because clearly they aren't the first people to get married and divorced in the history of their sport and they certainly won't be the last. I can't blame the women in these cases however. Because you better believe if I had the chance to marry and divorce Oprah sans Pre-nup I'd be all over it.

Come on ladies

2012-10-11T11:15:00.000-06:00

Ladies please listen up when I say to you that THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR! Do you have any idea what it is like to be a man and we have to walk around and see you in this. This has got to stop!!! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love leggings in women; therein lies the problem. Every man loves women in leggings and it is impossible for us to go about our daily life without seeing a fit women in leggings, not to mention women who don't belong in leggings (another blog another day).

Here is the problem I have with this; we, as men, are obligated to stare at you when you walk by us in this. Men are wired to not only look at you when you walk by us, but lose all train of thought and drop our jaws. I remember when I was younger and I didn't understand what the older guys were doing, and how they couldn't look away, but now I completely understand. I mean even Albert Einstein would look at this if he were still alive. You could have two philosophers discussing the human condition and lose all train of thought when they see this.

Just stop doing this ladies, and if you aren't going to stop then don't get mad when we cant look you in the face anymore because of the awful shame we feel for staring at your assets. Just imagine if we all walked around in white leggings and you could see all that we can see, it would be impossible for you to conduct yourself correctly around us. It would probably be because you guys would be wanting to laugh at us or throw up however.

Bumper Stickers

2012-10-08T20:22:00.001-06:00

I had a long drawn out introduction but lets skip it because we've already been acqainted and get right to the point. I HATE BUMPER STICKERS! And here is the list of the ones I hate and why.

1) Political Bumper stickers: What better way to make your car a target for keying than having a Tea Party sticker on it while parked in an urban neighborhood. I especially hate this if the car you drive is counter to the beliefs of that particular party (ex: having a republican sticker on you busted up 1992 Toyota)

1A) If you have a NObama sticker, It reads to me "Racist inside, don't make eye contact" Just kidding, but seriously

2)Honor Roll Student: We are all proud of your honor roll student, and by we I mean just you. The funny part about these stickers is they don't make your student feel important. It doesn't even say the name of the person who earned it.

2A) Your pet is not smarter than anyones child. That sticker is the reason you are 45 and lonely. Get some friends and stop buying bumper stickers about your pet Cat Lady.

3) Free Tibet: From the sticker we can come to a few conclusions. A) Tibet isn't free and we need to free it but you didn't tell me how and 5 seconds later we no longer care. B) Tibet is free, where can I get my share. I don't know how it taste but Free Tibet sounds delicious

4)Subaru Driver, Bumper Sticker: You are a hippy and nobody cares what you have to say. Go away and take a shower.

5) "I'd Rather Be Fishing": Would you really rather be fishing than being stuck in traffic? You are the only person who would rather be somewhere else older male. You wouldn't rather be in Vegas, or in LA on the beach? You my friend are stupid and I hope you never get to go fishing again.

6)The Jesus Fish: "Everytime I think of Jesus all I can think about is fish". I have one word for the rich idiot who thought of this bumper sticker...WOW

7) The Darwin Sticker: You, evolution believer were so threatend by the Jesus fish that you had to copy it and add feet. Bravo you passive aggressive sissy; you are clearly one upping the religious zealots now. You my friend are not only a thief but gutless.

Rule of thumb: Unless your bumper sticker is so funny that you must share, then keep it to yourself. Before you put it on your car ask yourself this "Will this enhance almost everybodies day?". If the answer is no, then you should say no. Lastly, say no to mini vans!!!!

Always A Fire | Chad Jones Documentary

2012-09-11T19:54:00.001-06:00

Great story about a sure thing that gets ripped from you in an instant.

I Hate Your Facebook Posts

2012-09-10T22:57:00.001-06:00

I remember when I first got a facebook account back in Freshman year of college. It was such a nice tool back then. That was when only college students could get it and before the term "Facebook Stalking" was invented. It was a way for college kids to stay connected aka a way for guys to hunt down girls in college (as if the traditional way wasn't working good enough), but then the evolution began. They soon opened it to all kinds of people: High School kids, Parents, businesses etc; and slowly but surely it lost its allure. You're photo albums of you passed out wasted with penises drawn all over your face, because you have awesome friends, no longer was a source of hilarity but rather a tool to be used against you in job interviews. Your plans for the night posted on your status suddenly became an invitation for the crazy guy to show up and awkwardly stare at you ( you know who you are guy, and you girls all have that facebook friend). However, all of this isn't what made Facebook into a shell of what it use to be...YOU DID!!!

You ruined Facebook for everybody with your silly posts that aren't relevant to anyone on your friends list. You don't believe me...here is the list of annoying things that people do on Facebook. Tell me you don't agree.

1) Repeatedly Posting pictures of your child: We were all happy for you being pregnant and expecting your first child (We doesn't include your disappointed parents, your best friend or the babys father but you get the idea). But then, it took a turn for the worst. It got annoying when you started posting pictures of your pregnant stomach all over THE BOOK every two weeks. We get it, you're getting huge. That's really important because you are the first girl to ever get a huge stomach when shes pregnant. Amazing. Just when we didn't think it could get any worse, you actually had the child and every breathing moment became a photo that you just had to share with all of us. Let me be very clear here: WE DON'T HATE YOU OR YOUR CHILD BUT DAMN. WE DON'T NEED TO SEE ALL OF IT.

2)Posting Pictures of your food: THE BOOK is not a cooking website. We don't give a damn what you made or what you ordered at a restaurant unless it is of epic proportions. Get that off my timeline. Posting pictures of your food could only mean two things: you're fat, or you will be fat very soon. (Literally just laughed loudly to myself)

3) The Religious Guilt: I am not taking a stance on religion here because religions themselves don't annoy me...but what does is your "Like this if you love God. If you don't, keep scrolling. Only you and God will know". This is the most ridiculous garbage. I'm sure liking this picture or status will keep God off my back for 24 hours, I don't know how people ever got along with God before THE BOOK came along. I'm plenty sure that God is more concerned with the fornication that you were involved in on Saturday night and liking this picture/or status wont get you out of the buddy.

4) THIS:
I admit these kind of little gems were hilarious when people first started doing them. Now they are just annoying as hell. Any ten year old with a computer could do this, why is yours so important. I hate your guts.

5) Your Shameless Publicity: You are pushing a product and we have to hear about it every 5 seconds. Cool right? NO. No one understands more than I do that having people aware of your product is the best way to sell, but as a salesman I also understand that bombardment is a horrible sales strategy. Inform me, humor me, show me why I should be interested or want to buy. Get that mess off my timeline.

If you are guilty of these atrocities, don't feel bad, don't get mad. Just stop doing it, and you'll be amazed at how quickly people will start liking your statuses again. Bums