All True

CBeebies After Dark

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 07:38:00 +0100

In The Night Garden
Out in the ocean, far away from land, a young sailor, blue with cold, lies dying in his little boat. Taking down his little sail for warmth, he slips into delirium, hallucinating vividly until one by one the stars blink out and he passes on into the blackness of oblivion. With Derek Jacobi.

Wooly and Tig
A young girl, Tig, whose eyes speak of horrors witnessed, lives with her father and his sister. Everyone pretends this woman is her mother, and Tig doesn't know why. She begins to hallucinate about spiders. With That Bloke Off Of Taggart.

Mr Bloom
A man drives around the country in a van, using the internet to invite children to play with him. In a harrowing scene he takes them into his garden shed and shows them his plums. With a Bristolian pretending to be Northern

New advice to keep colds at bay

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sat, 9 Apr 2016 16:33:00 +0100

10th Anniversary of Permission To Land by The Darkness

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sun, 7 Jul 2013 10:38:00 +0100

And The Darkness' original and best fanzine Optimum Impact has assembled a feast of interviews with Darkness fans to celebrate. Get your Darkness Fan Fix now:

http://www.optimumimpact.co.uk/?page_id=1945

A Tragedy At Lunchtime - The Half Pack Of Crisps

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sun, 9 Jun 2013 12:53:00 +0100

Just had a pack of [snack brand redacted] (Salt and Vinegar). It was only half full. To the writing desk!

Dear [name redacted] MP,

I have recently been the victim of corporate greed or incompetence, depending on whether the problem I am about to describe was deliberate or not on the part of [corporation name redacted].

Having purchased a pack of crisps from one of [local region]'s fine provisions merchants (I'll not name-drop here, but suffice to say "every little helps"), I sat down to lunch and opened the pack only to find it was not even half full. As you can imagine, I was outraged by this, and my lunch, and indeed my whole day, was ruined.

A little later, after I'd calmed down somewhat, I took the pack to the kitchen scales and weighed it, and found it weighed 15g. The pack clearly states 32g.

My blood beginning to boil - this isn't the first time large corporations have shown such callous disregard for our fair region, its people, and their lunches - I immediately contacted [corporation name redacted] via their website as instructed on the packet.

It is now nearly 15 minutes later and I have still not received a response, even to acknowledge my complaint - I know it is a Sunday afternoon but this is quite frankly outrageous.

My tea is getting tepid and I am beginning to doubt [corporation name redacted] will bother to provide me with a reply, never mind a replacement pack and compensation for my distress, before my beverage has cooled to the ambient temperature of the room (although in fairness my increased blood temperature will have raised that at least a little).

As I'm sure any reasonable person would in similarly tragic circumstances, I find the behaviour of [corporation name redacted] and their subsidiaries to be entirely unacceptable and am therefore writing to you in the hope that you can assist me in my fight against the corporate might of [corporation name redacted].

Perhaps you could raise this issue in parliament, and start the ball rolling with the UN?

Yours constituently,

[complainant name redacted], BA GCSE

A subtle contribution to the Android vs iPhone debate?

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sun, 3 Mar 2013 07:07:00 GMT

Ewan McGregor Becomes OBE-Wan Kenobi

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 12:15:00 GMT

Yes, Ewan McGregor has been made OBE in the New Year Honours List. So he is now OBE-Wan Kenobi.

Here's a pic I made years ago, which now seems oddly prophetic (although Alec Guiness would be CBE-Wan Kenobi which doesn't really have the same ring to it)

Bath Spa

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Wed, 1 Aug 2012 20:50:00 +0100

Been to Bath today. Very interesting to learn about the spring and the Roman baths, but there were a couple of problems:

1 - They give you electronic "tour guide" things that give you information about the various things as you look around (including some interesting bits by Bill Bryson), but they look like massive 80s mobile phones, which makes everyone there look like disinterested yuppies.

- At the end, you get to drink some of the water from the hot spring - it's warm, salty and thoroughly unpleasant. There were some of the staff standing near the drinking fountain, which raised the age old question - spit, or swallow?

All in all, an interesting place to visit, but thanks to the last bit, the Bath Spa experience leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. Bring gum :)

A Game Of Colas

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 22:20:00 +0100

A Game Of Scrabble

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 20:28:00 +0100

Jubilee Song 2012 - for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Thu, 31 May 2012 13:16:00 +0100

I've recorded a special song for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee (with a little help from Songify). I think you'll agree it's something special :)

Have a listen now:
Jubilee Song 2012

Once you've been dazzled by my vocal skills, you may want to download the Songify app yourself and have a go - it's available from the android market:
Songify For Android

Monarchy In The UK - a song for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Wed, 30 May 2012 13:25:00 +0100

I've written a song for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, to the tune of Anarchy In The UK by the Sex Pistols.

I picked them because as far as I can remember, they love the Queen (and her fabulous regime).

Monarchy In The UK

By the No-sex Pistols (We’re British)

I like my fruit-buns iced
I am a Monarchist
Bunting’s what I want and
I know how to get it
I wanna street party cos I

wanna HAVE a cup o’ tea!
Not a coffee!

Monarchy for the U.K, been here some time and maybe
I have a nice time, hope the weather’s fine
your future dream is a scone and cream

'cos it’s the Queens Jubilee…monarchy!
For the country

How many ways to get what you want
I use the best I use the rest
I want an OBE,
I love Monarchy cos it’s

The Queen’s Jubilee… Monarchy!
THE ONLY WAY TO BE!

Is this an MBE
Or is this an OBE
Or is this a CBE
I thought it was the U.K or just
another country
another cake n cup o’ tea

Queen’s Jubilee…Monarchy!
Yeah Queen’s Jubilee, Monarchy!
Know what I mean
And I’m gonna be… Monarchist!
Get PIMMS! ENJOY!

Yay, Team America is on Sky Anytime, hi Kim Jong Il

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sun, 6 Nov 2011 16:41:00 GMT

....Oh wait, that's not Kim Jong Il, and it's not Team America that's on :(

For a second I genuinely thought it was. So disappointed now... Signed By Katie Price isn't quite as awesome as Team America.

An All True Fact

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sat, 1 Oct 2011 21:22:00 +0100

Until today, the highest recorded October temperature in the UK was recorded in March. Fact.

Tesco Apps Fail!

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 16:26:00 +0100

Tesco have jumped on the "app for that" bandwagon, which could be a good thing if they make their apps useful. On their website, they have a section promoting their free apps, but someone in their marketing department might soon find themselves in trouble, as this is the picture they use to encourage us to go and try them out:

Can you spot the fail? That's right...to promote their new mobile apps, they have used a picture of someone looking at those apps in some kind of app store where all the Tesco apps have terrible 2 or 3 star ratings. Well done Tesco.... every little helps :)

The Chav's Lord's Prayer Looted In Riots

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 12:58:00 +0100

BREAKING NEWS: The Chav's Lord's Prayer, bought to you on this very blog back in 2008 has been looted in the recent riots.

Various altered versions have been flying around the 'net, renamed The Rioter's Prayer.

Here's some of the altered versions (lines altered by the virtual looters in bold!)

Our father, who art in prison, only mum knows his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into
employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Spliff, the Blackberry & the Lager, forever and ever...Innit

and

Our father, who art in prison, even my mum knows not his name. Thy rioting done, you'll read about it in the Sun, in Birmingham much as it is in London. Give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us for being true wanker's, as we forgive those who got ASBOS against us. Lead us not to an employment situation but deliver free housing. For thine is the petrol bomb, the plunder & its glories, forever and ever...I'm a dickhead

Breaking News: Experts believe London riots likely caused by CGI

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Tue, 9 Aug 2011 07:20:00 +0100

London was yesterday troubled with a third night of rioting as masked youths ran amok, setting fire to cars and bins, throwing things at the police and generally acting like twunts. As if that wasn't bad enough, many of them are thought to have been wearing their trousers so low as to leave a significant percentage of their underwear exposed.

But what caused this outbreak of violence and stupidity? Investigators believe that the riots may have been organized using BlackBerry Messenger - that explains the "how", but what about the "why"?

Luckily experts here at All True believe they have found the answer. After literally minutes of thought, they have discovered what is almost certainly the definite cause of the behaviour that terrorised London last night. And that cause is CGI.

CGI is a medical and psychological disorder, and stands for Congenital Genital Inadequacy (it occurs only in males, though there is a female equivalent which is much rarer and known as CPS, or "Clown's Pocket Syndrome").

CGI is caused by defects in the developing foetus which massively retard the development of the genitals, causing the resulting boy-child being born with a penis so tiny that the child is often announced as being a baby girl, with the mistake sometimes not being spotted until several weeks after the birth.

While the physical aspect of this condition is very serious, it is the psychological aspects that come with it that lead to horrors such as we witnessed in London last night.

Those afflicted with CGI usually start manifesting symptoms such as violent tendencies and general dumb behaviour in their late teens, when they finally realise that no, it isn't going to get any bigger.

Psychologists have suggested that those with CGI try to compensate for the fact they don't HAVE big dicks by behaving as if they ARE big dicks, and it is that compensatory mechanism that is believed to have been the primary cause of the events that have shaken London over the last 3 nights.

In the light of this discovery, liberals have suggested that the low-slung trouser wearing thugs arrested last night could perhaps one day be rehabilitated through a proposed 5-year scheme in which leading penis pump manufacturers would work closely with the prison service to offer these offenders a route back to being decent members of society.

Those of more right-wing disposition reject this proposed rehabilitation project, and instead have demanded that the offenders be dragged through London behind police horses.

Here at All True we believe that a compromise between these two proposals is likely to be the best way forward - surely if we have them dragged through London *but by their nano-cocks* then they'll be punished and rehabilitated in one fell swoop.

*More on this developing news as we get it*

Lost in translation?

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 18:14:00 +0100

I saw this laptop holder in a local shop yesterday. I think the packaging text may have lost a little something in translation.

Can be convoluted

Be hard to tired for the hands

No using beyond the purpose.
Long-time placing is prohibited.
Wipe gently with dry or soft cloth. Don't use the gasoline

All True Horoscope

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 20:41:00 +0100

Some time ago, I posted my revolutionary All True Horoscope.
Unlike other horoscopes, it is accurate every day, for everyone.

And now it is available in a cutting edge audio-visual format. It's the future (so is garlic bread)!

The Next Decade Is Nigh

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 12:27:00 GMT

We need to decide how we're going to pronounce "2010".

Should we say "twenty ten" or "two thousand and ten" or "two thousand ten"?
Or maybe we should go all "Nine Oh Two One Oh" and pronounce it "Two Oh One Oh". Decisions decisions!

We also need to think of a name for the decade 2010-2019.

Some think it should be called the "teenies", but I don't like that for two reasons - it makes it sounds like it will be frustrating and dominated by hormones, and 2010-2012 aren't "teen" numbers.

Also, going from the "noughties" to the "teenies" just seems far too silly :)

Some want to call it the "tweenies".

Personally I think it should be the "tenties*", because it starts with ten in the same way the 80s started with 80 etc.

Also, "tenties" conjures up camping imagery, and living out in nature, in tents, might just be a good way to reduce our carbon footprints :)

* following on from this, the next step would be to rename all the following:
eleven - tentyone
twelve - tentytwo
thirteen - tentythree
etc

This would also completely and instantly eliminate teen-age pregnancy and teen-age crime**.

** However it may also result in a massive increase in pregnancies and crime amongst "tenty-somethings"

The best presidential speech ever.... full version

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:02:00 GMT

Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww0EPKAZy-c

Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTaXa-9mu1Y

Watch out political comedians, the President is gonna take your jobs! :)

Don't Push Me

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Fri, 6 Nov 2009 10:34:00 GMT

'cos I'm close to The Edge.

Free money? I was suprised by TopCashBack - it actually worked!

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Wed, 4 Nov 2009 11:44:00 GMT

If you're thinking of changing your gas, electricity, mobile, Internet or telephone provider, or planning to make a big purchase (a big tv or a heft order of Christmas presents perhaps) then you should sign up to Top CashBack before you do it.

I did, as I was planning on changing my ISP and telephone provider to a cheaper combined package from Sky anyway. By switching over through Top CashBack I got £20 cash back after I'd switched, as well as saving ~£15 per month due to the cheaper package I'd changed to.

To be honest, I didn't think the promised cash back would actually materialise, but there's nothing to lose so I gave it a go. To my surprise, it did materialise, and is in my bank account right now.

If I changed my mobile phone provider and gas / electricity provider, I could save money on my bills and get something like £100 cash back too (unfortunately I'm locked in with Orange for a good 6 more months or so, alas, and my gas / electricity comes through key meters so the switch deals aren't so good...still worth considering though!).

It takes a while for the cash to come through, over a month for me, but that's fine. If you're planning to change providers anyway, you may as well do it through Top CashBack as you've got nothing to lose, and could get a nice bit of cash for doing what you would have done anyway!

I also got £1 cashback for signing up to get a free SIM card... I haven't used it yet, and probably won't, but being paid £1 to be given a free SIM card is quite nice :)

They often have offers for major online retailers, so before you make a purchase of Play.com or Argos or whatever, check TopCashBack first - you might get some money back, just by clicking through to Play or Argos via the TopCashBack link.

It's money for nothing, so if you want to earn cash back on your Christmas shopping, or want to switch to a cheaper provider for something and get paid to do it, sign up with Top CashBack.

Sign up through my link - http://www.topcashback.co.uk/ref/Alltruism - and I'll get money too*, win-win!

I've made £26 so far, just by doing purchases or switchovers I was going to do anyway. That's not bad at all considering I probably spent less than 10 minutes of time signing up and using the Top Cashback site!

* well, I will get £1 when you get your first £5 back, but you'll probably get a lot more than £5 if you just switch one utility provider, so getting to the £5 threshold should be quick n easy :)

Windows Mobile Shortcuts & HTC Touchflo 3D Internet Tab Browser

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Tue, 3 Nov 2009 23:50:00 GMT

If you want to create a Start Menu short cut for a specific Java App (such as Opera Mini 5 Beta) on your Windows Mobile phone, first you need to go to

\Windows\appdb

and have a look for s#_suite files (with the # being a number). Each of these represents a particular Java App that you have installed - we can't see which is which at the moment, but that's ok - just note down the numbers.... I have three Java Apps installed, s0_suite, s1_suite and s2_suite (if you have removed apps, yours might not be sequential).

Now, using a decent file system browser that lets you edit file properties and see file extensions, such as Total Commander, go to:

\Windows\Start Menu\Programs

Find the shortcut to your Java middleware (mine is called java.lnk), and create a copy of it. Rename it to what you want - e.g. Opera Mini.lnk.

Go to Properties, then to Shortcut. It will have something like "\Windows\jbed.exe" as the target (possibly followed by some parameters, which you should leave as they are.

We don't want this shortcut to just run the Java middleware though, we want it to load a particular Java app, so add the following to the end of the target field:

-run s#_

Where # is one of the numbers of the s#_suite files we looked at earlier.

Save the change (OK in Total Commander). Double tap the shortcut you've created (in this example, Opera Mini.lnk) to find out which of your Java apps it runs.

If it isn't the one you wanted, repeat the previous step with a different number (from the list of s#_suite files we saw earlier...three possible values to try in my case).

Work your way through all the possible values for # until your shortcut loads the right app.

My Opera Mini.lnk ended up with the following Target:

"\Windows\jbed.exe" -DFile.maxStorageSize=64M -run s1_

However, this shortcut will have the same icon as your Java program, which might not be what you want. As I'm creating my shortcut to point to Opera Mini, so I wanted the Opera icon.

To get that, just change the last bit from -run s1_ to -run s1_?\Windows\OperaL.exe,0

Or alternatively point it to a different program that you want to use the icon from.

You will then have a shortcut link in Start - Programs, with the name you gave it (Opera Mini in the example), which loads your chosen Java App.

Once you've got that, you can run it from there, or add it to the TouchFlo 3D programs tab if you want.

I created a shortcut for Opera Mini 5 Beta. This is a fast and capable browser. As I already have Opera Mobile 9.7 Beta installed, I decided I don't really need the Opera 9.5 that runs from the TouchFlo 3D Internet Tab.... I thought the faster Opera Mini would be a better option.

To change the browser loaded when you click the Internet icon in TouchFlo 3D's Internet tab, do the following:

Using a decent file system browser, like Total Commander, go to \Application Data\Manila.

Inside there will be a file called InternetPortal-en-US.xml (the US might be different, depending on your country). Go to properties and untick "Read Only".

Then edit the file (in Total Commander click the Pen & Paper icon at the bottom of the screen).
The second line in the file reads {InternetPortal}
You just need to insert the following as a new line after that (before the "IncludeUserFavorites" bit), only using angle brackets instead of curly brackets:

{BrowserExe}\Windows\Start Menu\Programs\Opera Mini.lnk{/BrowserExe}

You can put whatever program (.exe or shortcut .lnk) in between the BrowserExe tags.

Save the file. Now when you go to your TouchFlo 3D Internet tab, your Internet icon will now load the program you selected - Opera Mini in the example above.

If it doesn't work you've probably pointed it to a non-existent file, so check it and try again.

If you can't get it to work, you can delete the whole line you added, and the Internet tab will then go back to its default (Opera).

Least Popular Griffin

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:50:00 +0100

After watching Nick Griffin make an arse of himself in front of the nation on Question Time last night, I lost my certainty that Meg Griffin was the least popular Griffin in the world. Now that title belongs to an ungodly fusion of the two.... Megnick.

That's enough pig!

Another Alternative Medicine Fail!

noreply@blogger.com (Alltruism) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:05:00 +0100

You may have seen people with arthritis wearing copper or magnetic wrist-bands which are marketed as being able to relieve the pain of what can be a truly horrific condition.

A recent, tightly controlled trial by researchers at the University of York, found that the supposedly pain-relieving magnetic or copper bands worked no better than placebo.

That is to say, you may as well just tie a bit of old string around your wrist as buy one of the bands - the copper or magnetism of the band doesn't help relieve the pain at all.

There are people selling these simple bands, to desperate people, for around £25 - £65, claiming (or, if they are more cautious about legal repercussions, just implying) that they can relieve the pain of arthritis.

In the absence of strong evidence of effectiveness* (and the presence of strong evidence of ineffectiveness, mentioned above), charging vulnerable, suffering people £65 for a simple magnetic or copper bracelet that is no more effective than placebo at treating their pain is surely exploitation of arthritis sufferers isn't it?

Somehow the alternative "medicine" industry often manages to portray itself as the little guy, trying to help people where conventional medicine and the "big bucks" of "big Pharma" struggles to.

This friendly, well-meaning cottage-industry image isn't accurate - its a multi-billion dollar international market, with large companies making large profits from the sale of their products, many (most) of which have either not been properly tested or have been properly tested and been found not to work.

Make sure you don't hand over your money for products that aren't tested, or which have been tested and found to be ineffective.

See the BBC's report on this at:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8310792.stm

On the subject of alternative medicine in general, I highly recommend having a listen to Tim Minchin's excellent 9-minute beat-poem, Storm. It's scathing, but hilarious and fantastically well written - check out the official version on YouTube: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ujUQn0HhGEk

* there were some tests that showed some positive effects, but they concluded that the results could have been due to the placebo effect and that more research was needed. The BBC's report from back in 2004 is here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4101045.stm and is a lot more positive in tone, as the evidence was inconclusive but there was signs of positive effects. The further research the previous tests concluded was necessary has now been done by the researchers at York University, and the new research strongly suggests and positive effects attributed to the bands are actually due to the placebo effect.