The funny thing about all of us is that we tend to think that everyone thinks and feels the same way that we do. Whenever I’m reading someone their type description for the first time, their response is often the same: “Well of course it says I think that way. Everyone thinks that way!” Well, actually no. Not unless they are the same type as you.

 The funny thing about all of us is that we tend to think that everyone thinks and feels the same way that we do.

 There are many typing systems out there, but my favorite in the Enneagram. I feel it’s the most comprehensive and intuitive, and it’s spot-on. Once you figure out your type, you’ll be amazed at how accurate it is. The Enneagram can even tell you things about yourself that you may have known in a sense, but had never articulated before. And besides understanding ourselves better, it can help us understand others. Being able to see where people are coming from is an invaluable life skill.

Many things we do are unconscious, as if we sleep walking through our lives. As long as we are unaware of them, we will never reach our full potential. If we can open our eyes to the way we think, feel, and react, we can grow in ways we never realized.

 What is the Enneagram? 

The Enneagram is based on the idea that there are Nine basic personality types. None is better or worse than the other. They all have equal potential for greatness. But they are each unique and different from the others. You are always the same type; you will not be a Two in your twenties and become a Six in your thirties.

 Many times, our personality causes us to overlook things, make mistakes, and create problems for ourselves.

The purpose of the Enneagram is not to help us change or get rid of our personality. Even if we could, it would not be very helpful. This is reassuring to those of us who worry that if we let go of our personality, we will lose our identity or become less effective. In fact, the exact opposite is true. When we become more self-aware, we do not lose our personality. It becomes more transparent and flexible, something that helps us live rather than something that takes over our lives. Many times, our personality causes us to overlook things, make mistakes, and create problems for ourselves. Learning how to stay relaxed and aware under everyday pressures can make our lives easier.

As we become more aware of our personality, it becomes a smaller part of who we are. It still exists, but we are more aware of it, we use the personality as a vehicle rather than being driven by it. As we identify more with who we really are, we see that we do not lose our identity — we actually find it.

If you haven’t all ready done so, you’ll first need to take the test to determine what type you are.  To see a list of the tests click here. Then come back here to read the full description of your type. If the results of the test don’t sound quite like you, try one of the other tests. Sometimes, depending on how self-aware you are, and how much time you take to think through the answers, it may take a few tests to correctly determine your type. If you’re still not sure, drop me a comment, telling me about yourself, and I can probably help you puzzle it out.

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Have you taken several Enneagram tests and still can’t decide what Type you are? The Enneagram is a fascinating tool for learning more about yourself, but it won’t amount to a hill of beans if you can’t figure out what your Type is. For a few of us, (myself included) personality testing can have ambiguous results. We may take many tests and get many different results back. Or maybe the result you get really doesn’t sound like you at all. Well, there are a few things you can try to solve this mystery.

You may have to try more than one, but chances are pretty good that your Type will be one of the top three results.

First of all, make sure you try several tests. For a link to some click here. You may have to try more than one, but chances are pretty good that your Type will be one of the top three results. Once you get it narrowed down to two or three, then studying the descriptions should help you make a final decision. If you’re still not sure, ask someone who knows you very well to read the descriptions and see what they think sounds most like you.

If you have had a big life change lately, or gone through something traumatic, you may find that your test results are skewed. For example, a friend of mine is an outgoing, happy, people-pleaser Two, but when she first took the Enneagram tests she had recently just been through a divorce, and was dealing with some (well-deserved) anger issues toward her ex. Her test results came back as an Eight every time. She thought she must have been an Eight for a while, before further study of the type descriptions made her realize that she was really not the assertive, aggressive, decisive Eight. If you think that may be your problem, then make sure when you answer the test questions you are thinking about how you have been the majority of your life- not just recently.

Make sure when you answer the test questions you are thinking about how you have been the majority of your life- not just recently.

One type in particular has a very difficult time testing correctly. Type Nine, otherwise known as the Peacemakers, are so accustomed to accommodating others and not listening to their own inner voice that they may have a hard time answering questions about their personality. If you keep getting different results on many tests, and find taking them extremely difficult, this may be your problem.

Another difficulty in typing is when Wings come into play. Typically, we have our main Type, and a we might identify a dominant wing. (For more information on the concept of Wings, and an animated image to explain it click here.) But in some cases we have a very dominant, or what we call “heavy” wing. A person with a heavy wing exhibits many characteristics of their Wing- so much so that it can be hard to determine what the core Type is. This happened to me. I could not determine if I was a Three with a Four wing, or a Four with a Three wing. I have many of the characteristics of both the Three and the Four. When you have a heavy wing influencing your personality, it can make testing difficult. I often tested as both numbers, but Three more often. Also, the main Type descriptions don’t always sound quite right when you have a heavy wing that is strongly influencing you. That’s why I include the Wing subtype descriptions with each type. Reading about Threes didn’t sound exactly like me, but reading about the Three with a Four wing was dead on. But remember, ultimately you are still one core Type- and the motivations and basic fears that drive you will relate to just one Type. But your actions, and some of the more visible parts of your personality will be affected by your Wing number. If you are still trying to decide between two different Types like I was, try this next tip…

Comparing your Directions of Stress and Growth can shed further light on what your true Type is. Each type travels to one Enneagram number during stress, and another one during growth. (Click here for full explanations of this.) When trying to figure out your true Type, notice what the Type does when stressed. This was the final key for me to be sure that I was indeed a Three with a Four wing, and not the other way around. A Three under stress goes to Nine, becoming detached and unproductive, getting lost in busy work. A Four under stress goes to Two becoming more attached and clingy in their insecurity. These two things are so different, it was easy to figure out which one I could relate to.

If anyone of these suggestions help you figure it out, leave me a comment and let me know.

Huh? If you’re like me, you may have to read that several times to figure out what they are talking about.  I think sometimes the biggest obstacle for the average person in learning and applying the Enneagram is that the experts write in such a clinical way, it’s hard to decipher what they are really saying. Here is a simple explanation of what these lines mean for you and me.

Each number connects to two other numbers.  These connections help us see whether we are progressing, or going in a good direction, or whether we are heading in the wrong direction and actually regressing. For the purposes of our discussion, we will call the “good” direction the Direction of Growth, and the “bad” one the Direction of Stress.  When you travel along one of these directions to another number, you will adopt certain qualities of that Type- even if they are quite different from your own core Type. Think of it as a way for the Enneagram to predict our future behavior. It tells us what we will be like if we continue in a self-defeating pattern, and it tells us what healthy qualities we are capable of showing when we are doing well.

The Direction of Stress

When we have pushed ourselves as far as we can go, and the coping strategies of our Type are no longer getting us what we want, we unconsciously start to behave like the type in our Direction of Stress. In psychological terms, this is called “acting out”- we no longer feel an emotion, instead we act on it. Here’s the interesting thing about this: whatever feelings are usually repressed by our type, become the very things we act out when we move in the Direction of Stress. 

For example, type Two is the Helper who is usually seen as kind and sweet and always reaching out to others. A Two can give and give until they are exhausted. But, Twos (as do all types) have a hidden agenda. The type Two’s agenda is wanting to be appreciated for what they do. Imagine a Helper who has been busy helping all week and absolutely no one has appreciated them. She becomes stressed out and moves in the Direction of Stress to the position of a low functioning Eight. The Eight is the confrontational, power oriented person. So, the Helper suddenly blows up in your face and tells you off as to how you are an ungrateful self-centered rat and she will never help you again. She storms off leaving you wondering what happened. She will later feel remorseful and apologize only to become more helpful.  In this example the emotion the Two had repressed was anger. But once they become stressed, that anger comes out, and they become direct and assertive like an Eight can be. The more they have denied their needs, the more explosive their acting out will be.

Whatever feelings are usually repressed by our type, become the very things we act out when we move in the Direction of Stress. 

Each type moves in a different Direction of Stress:

Type One: Methodical Ones suddenly become moody and irrational like a Four.

Type Two: Needy Twos suddenly become aggressive and dominating like a Eight.

Type Three: Driven Threes suddenly become disengaged and apathetic like a Nine. 

Type Four: Aloof fours suddenly become over involved and clinging like a Two. 

Type Five: Detached Fives suddenly become hyperactive and scattered like a Seven.

Type Six: Dutiful Sixes suddenly become competitive and arrogant like a Three.

Type Seven: Scattered Sevens suddenly become a perfectionist and critical like a One.

Type Eight: Self-confident Eights suddenly become secretive and fearful like a Five.

Type Nine: Complacent Nines suddenly become anxious and worried like a Six.

When we act out in our Direction of Stress it gives us temporary relief, but of course it does not solve our problems. After we have acted out we will still have to face the same issues, we have just postponed dealing with them until later.  If we stay under extreme stress for a long time, we may get so used to acting out in the Direction of Stress that we may seem to be that Type instead of our own. Some people who take the Enneagram test during traumatic times in their life have a good chance of misidentifying themselves. 

When we act out in our Direction of Stress it gives us temporary relief, but of course it does not solve our problems.

It’s also important to realize that acting out like this is largely an unconscious coping mechanism we develop. So if we don’t pay attention and get into the habit of observing ourselves when we get stressed out, we may never realize where we’re going wrong. Knowing what to look for can help us recognize what we’re doing and stop it. Instead of wasting all that energy on behaviors that won’t end up really helping us, we can instead make a choice to move in a better direction. And that brings us to….

Direction of Growth

Enneagram Direction of Growth

As you can see in the image, the Direction of Growth is the opposite of the Directions of Stress. Contrary to the unconscious acting out that we do under stress, following the Direction of Growth requires a conscious choice. It’s letting go of all the baggage of our personality type, and realizing what qualities are missing in ourselves. You see, the qualities that we are weakest in, the ones we need to develop so we can grow as a person- those are the very ones that we find in our Direction of Growth.

For example, That same Two that we talked about before, instead of acting out their repressed anger like an average or unhealthy Eight, what they really needed to do was move towards the Four. Adopting some of the strengths of a healthy Four means that Twos learn to be in touch with their feelings and needs instead of repressing them. They accept all their feelings, even the negative ones, without censoring them. This gives them the ability to know when they need to take care of themselves, and to voice those needs- before their resentment builds to a breaking point. Now the Two that has been giving too much, and feeling unappreciated recognizes the anger they’re feeling and why they feel it.  They no longer hold it in until they can’t take it anymore and explode. They slow down in their people pleasing actions, and focus on their own needs for  a while. Realizing that doing this doesn’t make them selfish, but instead makes them healthier and better able to support others.

It’s letting go of all the baggage of our personality type, and realizing what qualities are missing in ourselves.

Each type moves in a different Direction of Growth:

Type One: Angry, critical Ones become more spontaneous and joyful like healthy Sevens.

Type Two: Prideful, self-deceptive Twos become more self-nurturing and emotionally aware, like healthy Fours.

Type Three: Vain, deceitful Threes become more cooperative and committed to others, like healthy Sixes. 

Type Four: Envious, emotionally turbulent Fours become more objective and principled, like healthy Ones. 

Type Five: Greedy, detached Fives become more self-confident and decisive, like healthy Eights.

Type Six: Fearful, pessimistic Sixes become more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nines.

Type Seven: Insatiable, scattered Sevens become more focused and profound, like healthy Fives.

Type Eight: Lustful, controlling Eights become more open-hearted and caring, like healthy Twos.

Type Nine: Inactive, self-neglecting Nines become more self-developing and energetic, like healthy Threes.

Moving in the Direction of Growth isn’t always easy. It may go against our natural responses. What must be done for growth is not something that we like (or we would already have done it) but something that challenges us to break out of the “box” that contains us. But doing so can help us reach our full potential and become more healthy, well-rounded people.

We thought we knew this person. We thought they knew us.

Why does this happen? Well, there are many reasons, the most obvious being that we didn’t “click” with them as much as we thought- and those differing points of view eventually came to a head. But that isn’t usually the case with the worst break ups. These have a more complicated reason for ending. We can sum it up with this: people change. No, they don’t radically change their world views, becoming a completely different person.  A happy-go-lucky, likable Nine isn’t going to suddenly become an opinioned, confrontational Eight.  So what changes? Their health. Specifically their emotional health. 

What makes the difference is how emotionally, or psychologically healthy we are.

No matter what our personality type, we have equal potential for greatness, or to cause harm. What makes the difference is how emotionally, or psychologically healthy we are.  The Enneagram Institute refers to this as the “Levels of Development”.  We can think of the nine Enneagram types as a “horizontal” set of categories, each one distinct. But if no type is better than another, than how do you explain that some people are clearly high-functioning, stable, and balanced, while others are emotionally stuck, troubled, and cannot handle stress effectively? Clearly if this system is going to accurately mirror human nature, and reflect the ever-changing states within each type, there also needs to be a way to account for “vertical” movement and development within each type.  Picture a round cake with the Enneagram numbers around the outer edge in a circle- each type is a “slice” of the cake.  But the cake is tall, with three layers. These layers represent the levels of health: Healthy, Average, and Unhealthy. Each “slice” of the cake would contain all three layers, just as each type contains all three levels. For more on this click here.

It would be almost impossible to make assumptions about the types without taking the level of health into consideration, because as each type deteriorates down the levels, many of their characteristics become their opposite. For example, healthy Eights are the most big-hearted and generous of all types. They mentor others, allowing them to flourish under their direction and become strong.  But the opposite is true of unhealthy Eights, who are full of rage, stingy  and hard-hearted. Healthy and unhealthy Eights would seem so different from each other that you would swear they are two different types.

So what do these Levels of Health have to do with ended relationships?  A person who has become emotionally unhealthy can seem to us like a completely different person from their healthier self.  The positive qualities that first drew us to them can deteriorate to the point where we hardly see the good anymore, and the negative qualities move to the forefront of their personality.  When a person becomes very unhealthy, those around them may feel betrayed, that they didn’t know the “real” person at all. But in fact, that’s not true.  They may have known that person very well, but people change. We all change, and experience a wide range of states over the course of our lives. Ideally, we are self-aware enough to see ourselves slipping downward, and are able to climb back up again.  But for ones who, for whatever reason, can’t get it together again, or refuse to acknowledge their decline, they are on a slippery slope that leads to a complete breakdown of spirit. If you are one of the unfortunate ones who are close with someone who is heading that direction, you will feel their toxic effect most of all. 

When a person becomes very unhealthy, those around them may feel betrayed, that they didn’t know the “real” person at all.

If that has happened to you, the first thing to keep in mind is this: It’s not you, it’s them. Chances are very good that if you met that person at that current point in their life, you wouldn’t have even considered becoming close to them. But it’s very hard for us to not take things personally. We tend to feel like we are in some way to blame for the changes in them. A belief that is often reinforced by the unhealthy person. They may be the first to point fingers at us, saying that we are the reason why they are in such a sad state. It makes sense- it’s much easier to blame others for their problems, and hold a grudge, than it is to accept that they are the ones who’ve changed, and they are the only ones who can fix the problem. Because that’s the truth of it- until they are willing to work on improving their emotional health, there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to fix it.  If they are willing to work on it, then it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it to you to hang in there, and be a part of their repair and recovery process.  If they are not willing to work on their mental state, or are unable to improve, then you need to seriously think about whether it’s time to cut your losses.

This can be a tough decision. For some Types in particular, this can be a gut-wrenching thing to go through. A Two, for example, will have a terrible time with any relationship ending, much less if they are the ones that have to do the leaving. Because their self-identity is so tightly linked with the people they are close to, they can develop a co-dependent relationship with unhealthy people,  staying with them long past the time when they should have given it up. All the while taking such emotional hits from their close proximity to this toxic person, that they can very easily become unhealthy themselves. A Six can have trouble with this as well, allowing their need to remain loyal and offer support override their common sense to back away from people that are no longer good for them. If you are struggling with your feelings of guilt about backing away from an unhealthy person, or even cutting off the relationship all together, remember this: our psychological health is a precious thing- one that we must protect at all costs. Let that person be a vivid example to you of how much we need to keep healthy, not just for ourselves, but for those who love us. If we determine that being close with that person will erode our own mental health, then we need to start thinking of self preservation. Because once you fall down that rabbit hole, it’s really hard to get back up again.
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Wake up call for Type One:  A sense of intense personal obligation

Ones can grow tremendously by simply recognizing their particular wake up call, a heavy and constant sense of personal obligation. They begin to think that it’s up to them to fix everything. (“If I do not do this, no one else will!”) They are convinced that even if other people were willing to tackle problems, they would not do as good a job as the Ones themselves would. They become increasingly fixated on correcting, organizing and controlling their environment.  Their focus is always on what is wrong with things, and they become tense and serious.

Wake up call for Type Two: People pleasing

Twos tend to be very generous, but they also fall prey to insecurities about others’ affections for them.  They begin to fear that all the good they are doing is not enough. When that happens they can get caught up in people pleasing- looking for things to say or do that will make people like them. Twos that are in full people pleasing mode will find it hard to resist any and every opportunity they come across to smother others with their displays of their affection. This can take many forms, from forced friendliness, to being too generous, to flattering others shamelessly. Twos are trying to fill a hole in their own hearts with positive feelings from someone else.

Wake up call for Type Three: My value depends on my success

Threes equate their personal value to their level of success. Average Threes are intensely interested in success and are determined to distinguish themselves by professional achievement and by possessing  various status symbols. These can run the gamut from a prestigious address, to a diploma from a major university, to an expensive watch or car, or to having attractive, high achieving children- anything that makes the statement “I am an outstanding person.” They are afraid that others will not notice them unless they are hugely successful, they become self-promoting and competitive.

Wake up call for Type Four: Using the imagination to intensify feelings

Fours base their identity on their internal feelings, (“I am what I feel”) so they tend to check in with their feelings more than other types. Fours are more attuned to their emotional reaction to an experience, than to the experience itself. But the one sure thing about feelings is that they always change. This presents a problem. If their identity is based on feelings, and their feelings are always changing, then their identity is always changing. The way Fours resolve this problem is to cultivate certain feelings that they identify with, and reject others. They don’t allow their feelings to arise spontaneously in response to the moment. They stir up emotions they feel reflect their identity, even if those emotions are negative or painful. For example, they may listen to songs that remind them of a lost love, playing them over and over to trigger those strong feelings of loss. When Fours start trying to create and sustain moods- in a sense trying to manipulate their feelings- they are beginning to live in their imagination rather than the real world.

Wake up call for Type Five: Retreating into their minds

When Fives feel overwhelmed by people or circumstances, reflexively they detach from their senses and emotions and retreat into their minds.  In effect, they are trying to find a safe vantage point from which they can more objectively assess their situation. When Fives move into their heads in this way, they stop connecting directly with their experience, and instead become engaged with their own mental commentary on the experience. For instance, a psychologist Five  might be having a pleasant conversation with a friend and suddenly find himself considering the friend’s thoughts and feelings in regard to a psychological concept he’s been studying rather than actually listening to her.

Wake up call for Type Six: Looking for a sure thing

Average Sixes are frequently worried about the future. Because they have serious doubts about themselves and the world, they start to look for a “sure thing” that will guarantee their safety- anything from a marriage to a job, to a religion to a self-help book.  Most Sixes have more than one sure thing- just in case. Sixes seek assurance and insurance, saving for a rainy day and investing for the future. They feel life is fraught with danger and uncertainty, so it must be approached with caution and limited expectations. They become more concerned with establishing and maintaining their safety nets than with pursuing true goals and aspirations.

Wake up call for Type Seven: The grass is always greener

Sevens’ temptation is the tendency to become dissatisfied with whatever they are currently doing or experiencing. The grass is always greener somewhere else, so they begin to look to future events or activities as the solution to their problems.  If Sevens ignore their wake up call- getting distracted by the possibilities of the next moment rather than being fully in the present one- they begin to move in the wrong direction. The result of splitting their attention between the present and the future leads them to enjoy neither.

Wake up call for Type Eight: Struggling with self-sufficiency

Eights feel they need to protect themselves which can become a fear of dependency of any kind. Because Eights do not feel that they can look to others for help without losing their independence, they tend to feel at war with the world. Of course, no one in life is truly self-sufficient. Everyone, including Eights, needs others to help support them and accomplish common goals.  Eights do not want to acknowledge this fact, and if this viewpoint becomes habitual, Eights are in danger of becoming trapped by their own limitations.

Wake up call for Type Nine: Going along with others

Beginning in the average levels, Nines experience the temptation to be overly accommodating to others because they feel if they get in conflicts with people, they will lose their connection with them. Nines get into the habit of saying yes to things that they do not really want to do. This strategy may avoid disagreements in the short run almost inevitably leads to long term resentment on both sides. This resentment builds in the Nine until they resort to passive-aggressive behavior which ultimately creates much greater conflicts with others. Their accommodation also puts them in danger of being taken advantage of since they are willing to pay a high price to keep the peace.

It would be almost impossible to make assumptions about the types without taking the level of health into consideration, because as each type deteriorates down the levels, many of their characteristics become their opposite. For example, healthy Eights are the most big-hearted and generous of all types. They mentor others, allowing them to flourish under their direction and become strong.  But the opposite is true of unhealthy Eights, who are full of rage, stingy  and hard-hearted.  Healthy and unhealthy Eights would seem so different from each other that you would swear they are two different types.

Healthy and unhealthy Eights would seem so different from each other that you would swear they are two different types.

While our type seems to be mainly inborn, our childhood environment is the major factor in determining at which level of psychological and mental health we function. These factors include quality of parenting, education, nutrition, health, and available resources.  As we deteriorate and move down from healthy to average to unhealthy levels, our fear and anxiety increases and we develop another layer of defense, adopting behaviors and beliefs that we use to protect us like a shield. We can see how the degree of dysfunction we had to cope with in our early life determined how many of those defensive layers we had to adopt. The more toxic our childhood environment was, the greater fear that was instilled in us. After adding all those layers to try to protect ourselves, we become stiff and rigid, with limited ways to deal with our situation.

Each type has three ranges: healthy, average, and unhealthy. The healthy range represents the high-functioning aspects of the type and is where we all aspire to be.  Average represents the more “normal” behaviors of the type. This is where we most often find ourselves and where most people operate. The unhealthy range represents the deeply dysfunctional manifestations of the type.  Higher levels mean freedom from the restraints of our personality. But as we spiral down the levels, our freedom is increasingly constricted.  We become more and more out of touch with reality, less able to make a balanced assessment of our behavior.

While our basic type doesn’t change, the level at which we are operating changes all the time. We may move up and down in a single day, usually staying within a certain “range” of health.  No matter what level we are actually functioning at, we tend to see ourselves as healthier than we are. Therefore, the first real step towards self improvement is to not only identify our type, but also our level of health.  The Enneagram will do us no good if we delude ourselves into thinking we’re healthier than we are.

Our whole culture reminds us constantly how we can be more successful, desirable, and secure if we were only to change in some way or another.

We are programmed from a young age to believe that we need to be better, to try harder, and to reject parts of ourselves that others do not approve of. Our whole culture reminds us constantly how we can be more successful, desirable, and secure if we were only to change in some way or another. In short, we’ve learned that we need to be different from how we actually are. The idea that we simply need to discover how we actually are, is contrary to almost everything we’ve been taught.

Our sense of self is usually based on internal images, memories, and learned behaviors rather than on the spontaneous expression of our true self. Understanding our personality type and its dynamics allows us to be aware of these learned behaviors. The Enneagram shows us where our personality most “trips us up”. It highlights what is possible for us, as well as how self-defeating and unnecessary many of our old behaviors are. When we identify only with those learned behaviors, we are settling on being much less than we really are. It’s like we are given a mansion to live in, and confined ourselves to a small dark closet in the basement. Most of us have forgotten that the rest of the mansion exists, or that we are really its owner. Self-knowledge can be the “key” that opens the door for us. We just have to find it.

This week, try observing yourself in this way. Pay special attention to the behaviors you most want to excuse or ignore. They are probably more revealing than others. If we can learn to see ourselves in a compassionate, understanding way, then we can learn to let go of the behaviors that hold us back.

I found a great post breaking down each of the Enneagram types and what type of music they like.  I just wanted to share the link  so everyone could check it out. It’s a really interesting idea. It makes sense that same types would be drawn to certain types of music, or maybe genres of music.  The types that are known for being drawn to the arts in general may have very definitive taste in music.

Regardless of what personalities our children have, the Enneagram can help us grow to be better parents. We all have certain expectations of our children- some we may be aware of, and some may be unconscious. Becoming aware of what we want from our children can stop us from manipulating them into having to measure up to our expectations, and will go a long way toward improving the parent/child relationship.
(The following chart is adapted from Discovering Your Personality Type)

What we expect from our children for each Enneagram type:

Type One- Expect self-control, reasonableness, responsibility, and the ability to delay rewards- want their child to be a “little Adult”

Type Two- Expect generosity, thoughtfulness, and attention to others- want their child to be a “little Helper”

Type Three- Expect being outstanding at tasks, physical perfection, reflecting well on the family, and popularity- want their child to be a “little Superstar”

Type Four- Expect sensitivity, artistic creativity, emotional depth, and understanding- want their child to be a “little Therapist”

Type Five- Expect independence, studiousness, intellectual strength, and curiosity- want their child to be a “little Genius”

Type Six- Expect dependability, obedience, determination, and trustworthiness- want their child to be a “little Trouper”

Type Seven- Expect vitality, good humor, resilience, and spontaneity- want their child to be a “little Entertainer”

Type Eight- Expect toughness, self-sufficiency, courage, and willpower- want their child to be a “little Entrepreneur”

Type Nine- Expect quietness, non-neediness, gentleness, and to be easy going- want their child to be a “little Angel”

Do you agree with your Types’ parenting expectations?

Let’s examine the cultures of these countries. The following descriptions came from the Global Guide to Culture, Customs and Etiquette.

England: Type One, Type Five, Type Six

As a nation, the Brits tend not to use superlatives and may not appear terribly animated when they speak. This does not mean that they do not have strong emotions; merely that they do not choose to put them on public display. The British are very reserved and private people. Privacy is extremely important. The British will not necessarily give you a tour of their home and, in fact, may keep most doors closed. They expect others to respect their privacy. There is a proper way to act in most situations and the British are sticklers for adherence to protocol. The British are a bit more contained in their body language and hand gestures while speaking. They are generally more distant and reserved than North and South Americans and Southern Europeans, and may not initially appear to be as open or friendly. Friendships take longer to build; however, once established they tend to be deep and may last over time and distance.

France: Type Three, Type Six, Type Seven

The family is the social adhesive of the country and each member has certain duties and responsibilities… The extended family provides both emotional and financial support. Despite their reputation as romantics, the French have a practical approach towards marriage.  Families have few children, but parents take their role as guardians and providers very seriously. The French are private people and have different rules of behaviour for people within their social circle and those who are not. Although the French are generally polite in all dealings, it is only with their close friends and family that they are free to be themselves. Friendship brings with it a set of roles and responsibilities, including being available should you be needed. Friendship involves frequent, if not daily, contact.

China: Type Three, Type Eight, Type Nine

In general, the Chinese are a collective society with a need for group affiliation, whether to their family, school, work group, or country.  In order to maintain a sense of harmony, they will act with decorum at all times and will not do anything to cause someone else public embarrassment.  They are willing to subjugate their own feelings for the good of the group.  This is often observed by the use of silence in very structured meetings. If someone disagrees with what another person says, rather than disagree publicly, the person will remain quiet. This gives face to the other person, while speaking up would make both parties lose face.The Chinese’ Non-verbal communication speaks volumes.  Since the Chinese strive for harmony and are group dependent, they rely on facial expression, tone of voice and posture to tell them what someone feels. Frowning while someone is speaking is interpreted as a sign of disagreement. Therefore, most Chinese maintain an impassive expression when speaking. It is considered disrespectful to stare into another person’s eyes. In crowded situations the Chinese avoid eye contact to give themselves privacy.

Japan: Type Six, Type Four, Type Five

Saving face is crucial in Japanese society. The Japanese will try never to do anything to cause loss of face. Therefore, they do not openly criticize, insult, or put anyone on-the-spot. Face can be lost, taken away, or earned through praise and thanks. Harmony is the key value in Japanese society. Harmony is the guiding philosophy for the Japanese in family and business settings and in society as a whole. Japanese children are taught to act harmoniously and cooperatively with others from the time they go to pre-school. The Japanese educational system emphasizes the interdependence of all people, and Japanese children are not raised to be independent but rather to work together. This need for harmonious relationships between people is reflected in much Japanese behaviour. They place great emphasis on politeness, personal responsibility and working together for the universal, rather than the individual, good.

Germany: Type Six, Type Five, Type Eight

 In many respects, Germans can be considered the masters of planning. This is a culture that prizes forward thinking and knowing what they will be doing at a specific time on a specific day. Careful planning, in one’s business and personal life, provides a sense of security. Rules and regulations allow people to know what is expected and plan their life accordingly. Germans take great pride in their homes. They are kept neat and tidy at all times, with everything in its appointed place. In a culture where most communication is rather formal, the home is the place where one can relax and allow your individualism to shine. Only close friends and relatives are invited into the sanctity of the house, so it is the one place where more informal communication may occur.

Russia: Type Six, Type Eight, Type Four

Russians are proud of their country. Patriotic songs and poems extol the virtues of their homeland. They accept that their lives are difficult and pride themselves on being able to flourish in conditions that others could not.  They take great pride in their cultural heritage and expect the rest of the world to admire it. The Russian family is dependent upon all its members.  Most families live in small apartments, often with 2 or 3 generations sharing little space. Their affinity for the group and the collective spirit remains today. It is seen in everyday life, for example most Russians will join a table of strangers rather than eat alone in a restaurant.  Everybody’s business is also everyone else’s, so strangers will stop and tell someone that they are breaking the rules.

Italy: Type Eight, Type Two, Type Seven

Appearances matter in Italy. The way you dress can indicate your social status, your family’s background, and your education level. First impressions are lasting impressions in Italy. The concept of ‘bella figura’ or good image is important to Italians. They unconsciously assess another person’s age and social standing in the first few seconds of meeting them, often before any words are exchanged.  Clothes are important to Italians.  They are extremely fashion conscious and judge people on their appearance. The family is the centre of the social structure and provides a stabilizing influence for its members. In the north, generally only the nuclear family lives together; while in the south, the extended family often resides together in one house. The family provides both emotional and financial support to its members.

Can you see yourself fitting in with these cultures?  Leave a comment and tell me what you think!

More information:

Introduction to Typing- for those new to the Enneagram

Just for Fun- Typing the cast of “Lost”, downloads, etc…

Beyond the Basics- more advanced topics

Explanation of Enneagram Wings

Because the Nine types are arranged around a circle, no matter what your basic type, you will have a type on each side of it. One of these two types will be your Wing. The Wing blends with the basic type and highlights certain tendencies in it. For example, if your basic type is Nine, you will have either an Eight-Wing or a One-Wing. No one is a pure type, and in some cases, there are also Nines with both Wings. Most people, however, have one dominant Wing.

The Wings help us to individualize the Nine types of the Enneagram. This produces a unique type that is recognizable in everyday life. For instance, when we look at the Sevens in the real world, we see that there are Sevens with an Eight-Wing and Sevens with a Six-Wing. Each of these two different Wing subtypes has a very different flavor. With all the type and Wing combinations you get 18 subtypes. They are each described in more detail in the type descriptions.

There are no real divisions between the varieties of personality types, just as there are none between the colors of the rainbow. Individual differences are as unique as different shades, hues, and intensities of color. The Nine points on the Enneagram are simply “family names” that we use to speak meaningfully about differences in personality. Ways of describing main features without getting too lost in the details. To learn more about your individual Wings, refer to your type description.

So what do you think? Do you think you’re individual type is represented well?

A deal breaker by definition is any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate an agreement.  And what is a relationship, but an agreement between people to share a part of themselves with each other?

Deal breakers are completely foreign to a Two.  Healthy partnerships should be a balanced 50/50, both working towards a common goal equally.  Not for a Two.  If a kindness is shown us, then we are so overcome with guilt at not deserving it, that we must reciprocate over and above to show our appreciation.  It’s reflexive.  All our worth is tied into making relationships work.  We don’t dare slack off even for a moment because if it fails, we fail.  If your husband caught a cold, somehow you gave them the germ.  If your best friend had a bad day at work, it was because you called and broke their concentration.  The weather is bad on vacation, YOU should have planned better.  We are unlovable.  It’s our fault…yadda-yadda-yadda.  Even if rationally you know none of these issues are within our control or even our responsibility, it crosses your mind.  For every moment it does you are defeated. “You did everything right!  How could this be happening?  THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!”

 If a kindness is shown us, then we are so overcome with guilt at not deserving it, that we must reciprocate over and above to show our appreciation.

As a Two I am constantly evaluating the condition of my relationships.  Am I being too clingy?  Am I running my mouth too much?  Am I spending equal time between my friends?  Me, me, me…I, I, I…it gets exhausting.  The thing is that most of the time (like 99.9% of the time) this is pressure I put on myself.  As Twos we live in mortal fear of being abandoned.  Because of this tendency we ignore trouble signs and shirk them off as being something we are doing wrong just to maintain a connection…. 

We wouldn’t dare give an ultimatum that a behavior immediately desist.  That would mean walking out because OUR needs were not being met.  THE HORROR!  At a certain point, however, it may finally get through to us that no matter what we do, we will always be unhappy in a relationship.  We are so unhealthily attached by surrendering so much of ourselves to keep the partnership going (50/50 changes to a more and more uneven number) that we have faded into a ghost of who we were.  It’s time to face the facts, have we been putting up with deal breakers only to become broken ourselves?

 It’s time to face the facts, have we been putting up with deal breakers only to become broken ourselves?

When it comes to deal breakers for a Two it’s like speaking another language.  I had to Google the subject just to come up with some ideas!  I had honestly never thought about what my personal deal breakers were.  I mentally revisited several bad break-ups (both romantic and platonic) and thought about the things I avoided making an issue of that later became so routine that they didn’t even bother me anymore.  These small concessions ended up sapping me of my personality and turning me into a stranger to myself.   

Defining your deal breakers early on in a relationship prevents wasted time and unpleasant situations in the future.  Deal breakers aren’t maybes, or sortas, or kindas.  They are BREAKERS.  They are bad and they should be what we will not stand for in a relationship.  Besides the obvious, (lying, cheating, drugs, murder, bad fashion sense, etc) here are some ideas I thought of for myself:

•         Being passive-aggressive
•         Chronically having a short fuse with me
•         Picking on my family
•         Making me the butt of every joke.
•         Borrowing money from me and not repaying.
•         Interrupting me and/or trying to one up me (aka overly competitive).
•         Score keeping and not letting the past go.
•         Being too friendly with my significant other.(for friends)

Now, granted with established relationships it’s hard to all of a sudden stop and say, “I will not tolerate this anymore or WE ARE THROUGH!”  However, any communication is better than no communication.  Get your feelings across however is most comfortable for you via a sit down talk, a phone call, a letter, smoke signal…you get the point.  This doesn’t mean over analyzing and running it in the ground ad nauseam.  If the person cares for you like they should then they will get it.  If things don’t improve, then guess what?  Deal breaker!  It’s hard because as Twos we are constantly told we are too sensitive.  While there is some truth to that, if a person really cares for us they wouldn’t want to poke those areas that are tender.  And if we are over and over again being put down by associating with a person then that’s not sensitivity, that’s someone breaking you!!!!

Remember what YOUR deal breakers are and live by them. Treat those people according to them.

There will also be times we are in a relationship that we can’t, or won’t, break from:  marriage, step family, boss, etc… You can be strapped to a toxic and unhealthy situation that you just can’t abandon.  What then?  You need to start building up yourself.  Remember what YOUR deal breakers are and live by them.  Treat those people according to them.  This will require a Two to stop being a martyr or using manipulation techniques to manage our relationships.  Many times things have gotten so dysfunctional that you flat out need help!  See a counselor, someone in your church, a trusted friend.  Sadly, for a Two our own needs are the first thing we concede.  We don’t want to be a burden.  We can be hurt so badly that we fear the pain and it runs our lives.  Don’t give up.  Be determined not to slide backwards.  Hold on to who you are.  Remember you are making these choices to improve your life.  Taking control is never a bad thing!

As easy as it is for us to get to know other people and help them, sometimes the hardest person for us to do that for is ourselves.  I like being a Two.  I like the positive things I recognize in myself when I’m healthy and with healthy people. I’d like to introduce you to yourself.

I tested this out on my insightful, deep thinking 10 year old. He actually surprised me with his ability to understand the types, and was able to type himself. (He says he’s a Six) Now, the question is, will he stay a Six? That remains to be seen. But talking about the questions and types led to some really great discussions, and I would recommend anyone who has a child that’s interested in typing themselves to try it. Whether or not it proves to be their “true” type down the road, you may gain a greater understanding of aspects of their personality.

Another popular typing system is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI. You may have tried this one in the past- you will be one of four letters, like ENFP. This typing system, in my opinion, is not as enlightening as the Enneagram, but it is easier to use on children. This is because the four aspects of the types relate to more “external” traits- things that are easy for others to observe about you- for example, extrovert vs. introvert. This makes is possible for you to type a child who may not be old enough to type themselves. If you want look into personality types for kids, I would recommend starting with the Myers Briggs method.

If you decide to try it, I highly recommend this book: Nurture by Nature. It breaks down each aspect of the indicators with easy to use charts and parent interviews. It’s also beneficial for finding your own Myers-Briggs type if you wish.

For more information on MBTI and children, check out “Children’s Jungian Types“- she breaks it down by age groups.

For those interested in using the Enneagram with children, you can check out The Enneagram of Parenting.

Have you ever tried typing your kids? Leave me a comment and let me know how it went. I post and reply to all comments!

Type Three “The Achiever”- You can clearly see the Three’s drive for success, fame, and status. The concern over image and career success are major themes for a Three, and major themes in the current American character. The belief that, if you work hard enough, anything is possible- that’s the American dream.

Type Six “The Loyalist”- The Six brings the respect for law, authority, and institutions that make up our democratic way of government. They are traditionalist, with a strong sense of family values and skeptics who thrive on hidden camera reveals and reality shows.  News media has made their careers off of feeding into the Sixes apprehension about the future.  They are the target audience of the American brand of “worst-case-scenario” scare tactics that are used to report the news.

Type Seven “The Enthusiast”- The Seven’s love of anything new makes them ideal for feeding the insatiable consumerism in this country- bigger is always better, less isn’t more- more is more. Their high energy and love of change fit well with the frantic pace of life in our country, and their extroverted, friendly natures are looked up to as being ideal.

Of course, every personality type has a downside to it- and the American personality is no exception. We all have heard the negative way Americans are viewed by many people of other countries. This makes sense if you think about the fact that these other countries no doubt have different dominant personalities, and these may conflict.  I came across this great article on this exact topic. It was in Conde Nast Travel magazine, and was called, “What the world thinks about us”. It brought out what other cultures think of the stereotypical American behavior.  I encourage you to read the full article later, but I’ll refer to a few key points that I thought really highlights the dominant traits of the Three, Six, and Seven.

1-They think we smile too much- we try to smile at everyone- in our culture, we are supposed to always be upbeat and friendly. If you are not a personality type that is naturally perky, then trying to be that way can be exhausting. But we don’t have to be. In fact, people from other cultures find it annoying. Notice this quote:

Visitors often take a smile very seriously, “and then when they realize that it extends to everybody, [they assume] it’s because Americans are phony.” But it’s just a basic signal of politeness—mixed with perhaps a preoccupation with first impressions. “We’re a very mobile society,” says James L. Bullock, a diplomat at the American embassy in Paris. “We’re always trying to fit in—that’s why other people think we’re always smiling.”

(Hmmmm…. Always trying to fit in…. now who does that sound like? Oh wait- it’s me. I mean, it’s a Three.)

2-They think we make meaningless small talk- it’s something found everywhere, but it seems we Americans do it the most.

Take the phrase “How are you?” “In many countries where people say ‘How are you,’ they really mean ‘How are you,’?” says Weaver. “We just want people to say ‘fine.’ It’s not an invitation to a health report.”

3-They think we are all business- Compared with the rest of the world, Americans do business at a furious pace whereas in other countries time is more fluid. There is no real break in the workday, even lunch is a “working lunch”. 

“Something people are startled by is that we have working lunches,” says Mueller. “We are determined to use every possible part of the workday to get something done.”

4-They think we are only identified with our careers- Our question upon meeting someone is “What do you do?”- even in social settings.

“Our identity as Americans has a lot to do with the work we do,” says Bullock, “whereas others identify themselves in terms of who they are, their traditions, and where they’re from.”

 Do you think your personality type is a good fit for the country you live in? Does it make a difference?