Almost Somewhat Positive

New Etsy Store

2011-11-21T09:47:00.002-06:00

Hey y'all! I have a new Etsy Store named Mary Jae Designs (for Jacob Anna Emma). Basically I want to make affordable jewelry because every girl and woman deserves pretties!!!

It's my new love and I hope you can tell by the designs and prices just how much I am enjoying creating again. I might add girls reversible purses again at a later date.

I have a promotion going on right now, type in coupon code 15OFF35 to get 15% off $35.00 or more, not including shipping.

If you would like to check out my shop, you can click on the widget on the top of the right side bar, or click here.

I am

2011-09-26T08:48:00.004-05:00

My 42nd birthday is coming up soon and after a somewhat melancholy reflection on my life, I had many, many emotions and thoughts on who I am. As they say: All's well that ends well.

Booyah. ;)

I Am

I am digression, recession.
I am undiscovered and resigned.
I am fertile, contemplative.
I am of a flawed design.

I am a little crazy, uplifted.
I am attention deficient and annoyed.
I am curvy, resilient.
I am turbulent with joy.

I am weightless, anchored.
I am claimed and unearthed.
I am salty, forgiven.
I am steeped in mirth.

I am clingy, abandoned.
I am artistic and indentured.
I am reliable, grouchy.
I am slightly immature.

I am giddy, sarcastic.
I am self absorbed and amused.
I am radiant, hungry.
I am verbally profuse.

I am imperfect, serene.
I am vigorous and grieved.
I am somnolent, cantankerous.
I am what I believe.

I am, I will, I was.
I am buoyant and resolved.
I have, I need, I want.
Above all else I am loved.

Jacobs First Birthday OR I forgot how hectic birthday parties can be

2011-07-18T10:31:00.023-05:00

Ahhhh another birthday, and being a birthday veteran I did what I normally would do, preparing as much as possible the day before. This time around I did things a little differently... I chided myself for not thinking of this sooner: Why not put up birthday decorations a day early and save myself the stress! Just like realizing that I could mash up a hot dog with a garlic press 10+ years after my first child... seriously? How did this not dawn on me?

I congratulated myself for being so ready this year. I envisioned myself relaxing on my couch just waiting for guests to arrive. HA! Again, how is it that after 41 years I still have not learned that "Pride goeth before the fall..." (thus sayeth the Lord, Amen)

At 1140 am I started grilling hamburgers 10 minutes late, but the party was at noon so everything is ok. At 1143 it started to rain on me. Normally I would take this as a bad sign, but I was too busy making sure I didn't burn the main course. At 1146 I again congratulated myself for producing 10 juicy-ever so slightly charred in just the right places- hamburgers while walking up my not exactly clean back stairs to go inside... and promptly lost my grip on the container from greasy fingers and rain. Ummhmmm. Yup. I dropped ALL of the precious meaty cargo on the stairs, a few bouncing off into the grass.

"*(&%#$@)*!" I gathered up the damaged goods and tossed them and started round two. Whilst inside talking to an early guest and glancing frantically at the clock- not realizing that the grease from round one was flaming like a set of space shuttle thrusters, therefore increasing the core temperature of the grill to 600 degrees- I finally whispered agitated apologies while leaving them mid-sentence to find round 2 almost completely destroyed.

I stared sadly at their charred remains and whispered a silent curse laden prayer to the grill gods that I have something to feed the masses. I broke off the scorched edges of 2 of the only edible burgers and threw the other 6 away. I threw the rest of the burgers from the big frozen box o'meat on the grill and eyed the grill angrily, thinking of our other grilling tussles. This would not be my first go-round with the flaming metal beast.

Success!!! I managed the hot dogs, got annoyed that the MIL elbowed her way through guests to feed herself before almost everyone else, we all ate... Jacob opened presents and had a blast!!! He got bored opening like most kids do, and had fun playing with his new presents. I decided to leave the rest of the presents for the next day, they were all from us anyway.

Then I served cake... and once again the kids hadn't even been served yet and the MIL came in hovering over the cake, insisting to get her piece next- with a smile of course. Then told me she wanted to take cake home while pointing to the heavily frosted grassy area of the cake and TOLD me she wanted that section. I did what any self-respecting DIL would do. I got annoyed and "PFFFFT'd" to her face and made her scoop ice cream.

While this was happening, I completely forgot that Jacob had been served a small piece. John took pics of him sampling it- taking dainty and controlled finger fulls, then took pics of the guests... mean while NEITHER of his brilliant parents watched, or his grandma standing right in front of him scooping ice cream watched- while he proceeded to jam almost the whole piece in his mouth, eyes bulging, giving a cough.

Thank goodness Cousin Candice Thomson was watching and her mommy instincts kicked in... she ran over and scooped cake from his mouth with a hooked finger. I heard him cry and ran over to break him free of his high chair. *PHEW-sigh* I thought ~~two~~ three things:
1.Thank the Lord for fellow mommies.
2.I'm a horrible parent and and my husband is an idiot.
3. Vice versa.

The rest of the party went great, he had a wonderful time playing with his presents- most of it with his mouth open LOL!

Cleaning up the kitchen so we could go to the city pool next, I dropped a bottle of Southwest Spicey Mustard which did a lovely swan dive, then bounced doing a triple axle, then exploded all over my leg/foot/flip flop and the cake box. Heh heh heh heh. All I could do was giggle. My friend Michelle giggled with me after I told her all that had happened, and kindly rinsed my flip flop in the sink for me while telling me she and her BF would have just rinsed them off and served them.

We went to the pool at about 3pm, Jacob disliked the pool very much and protested quite loudly, while Emma (who cannot swim) decided it would absolutely be the best thing to walk off the second I take my eyes off of her and walk to where her dad was at the diving boards, where I couldn't see her because of a slide encasement right next to me. Literally POOF, gone. I freaked out screaming for her, which was pointless because of the natural din that goes with being at a pool, and asked Anna to look for her. I scanned the pool for her/her swim suit and looked over to the diving pool.

I stopped midway with Jacob in my arms and had a nervous break down for a 1/2 minute, sobbing because my worst fear was coming true- losing my kids... I snapped out of it knowing that standing there sobbing like an idiot was taking away precious searching/rescue time.

I prayed. I pleaded with God in the briefest, most sincere prayer I had ever uttered. "Please God, keep her safe."

I looked back over to the diving pool, and there stood the rest of my family. There stood my middle child, completely unaware of what was happening... standing with her sister (who turned to look back at me, smiling weakly, wincing almost as if she knew what was coming next) and her dad, who was waiting in line for the board.

"You need to hold him RIGHT NOW," I screamed at John.

I grabbed Emma by the arm and screamed at that child... YES, I was THAT lady. At the pool. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Don't you EVER walk away from me again without telling me where you are going. DON'T EVER do THAT to me AGAIN!!!"

I proceeded to try to calm myself and tell her exactly what I had thought had possibly happened: her being at the bottom of a pool or having been snatched from the pool. We both cried, and I let my anger go. I hugged her, clung to her while she stood there helpless to do otherwise, the both of us crying. I repeated, "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, please don't do that again. Ever."

We walked over to the newer kids part of the pool that had fountains and various spraying/splashing apparati for a few minutes, Jacob protested loudly again. Emma promised to stay with Anna and our cousin Melinda... then Jacob and I went over to the shaded snack bar and he fell asleep on me while I watched my girls like a hawk in the play area. Everyone had a great time, I enjoyed the peace and calm of holding my one year old while the noises of the pool lulled him, remembering how a year ago that day I was doing the very same thing- holding my sleeping baby after an exhausting day.

Lesson learned finally. You can never be completely 100% prepared for life... or birthday parties. OR MIL's.

Amen.

*passed out after the pool*

I'm amazed

2011-05-15T12:49:00.008-05:00

This last week construction started on our walk up attic, we are making it into a large bedroom for the girls to share. This week I was amazed at how unfazed Jacob was by all the noise, and how he managed to sleep through hammering and sawing 2 floors above us.

Today I watched him sleep in his crib (as his daddy and daddy's friend Aaron did the electrical and network wiring so that construction could continue on Monday), his crib being just below scratchy noises and hammering, loud noises of things being dropped on wood sub-flooring. I am amazed at how similar yet how different this little boy is to his big sisters. His ability to sleep through the occasional yelling of the 2 man construction crew this week, the front door and attic door slamming... he truly is a boy through and through. His sissies would NEVER be able to sleep through such racket.

It got me thinking about the many things I amazed about: John sticking with me in sickness and health, good times and bad and loving me on every level. Don't get me wrong, he is no saint but quite nearly considering all that we have been through in almost 22 years of marriage.

I am amazed at our children. As I said before, so different yet so the same. They are smart and funny without even trying, and they weren't even breastfed ;) We are so lucky and blessed to have them in our lives. And when I hear about all the children out there with so many problems... I realized just how blessed we are. I pray and thank God for that, and pray for the little ones that aren't so lucky.

We aren't rich but somehow we make it on one income. Our house isn't a palace, but we make it our home.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm in a place of gratitude. And that's a very good thing.

The Vintage Pearl Giveaway!!!

2011-03-31T08:53:00.002-05:00

I have been wanting to order something from The Vintage Pearl ever since I found the site a year ago... but alas I had a bun in the oven and had lots of baby items to buy!

I would love to have a necklace with all of my kids names (Anna, Emma and Jacob) on any of her designs, but I especially love this one- The Eclectic Charm Necklace.

Or maybe the Square Initials On A Chain.

Or Names On My Heart...

Oh dear, if I win I am sure to have a hard time choosing!

Maybe the Dainty Square Layers?

If you haven't checked out the designs on her site yet, click any of the links in this post to take you there, and if you decide to enter...good luck!

And Then I'd Just Feel A Blog Post

2011-03-21T09:03:00.007-05:00

I was talking to a good friend the other night and she showed me one of her new blogs, and as I read and savored her words we talked about blogging and what it meant to us. I told her a tale of what my blog once was: funny anecdotes about my girls, musings, deep dark stuff from my childhood.

I told her about how my readership grew as I formed relationships with my favorite bloggers and how we nurtured each other with our words, cheering each other on in our comments- and in some cases, forming unbreakable friendships. I explained that I had BlogHer ads after my Google ranking grew, which in a way was the beginning of the end. I was so busy reading other blogs I hardly had time to write. And if I did take time to write I neglected my reading... and in the end it became a chore.

I noticed some bloggers wouldn't comment on my blog unless I commented on theirs. When my stats would waver I would become sullen and depressed. I asked myself why I couldn't make money like all the edgy or pretty blogs that had designer templates. I stared at my computer screen begging words to come and was too ambivalent to read even my favorite blogs. I grew tired of blogging because I felt as though I was selling my soul just to have people read and/or respond.

Hearing her talk about starting her blogs brought back all those memories and feelings since starting this blog almost 6 years ago. It made me think about the one day I took my anger out on another blogger that had happened to feel a reciprocal fondness for me. He had said some idiotic things about women, mostly in jest on his blog... which he had every right to do. Well, as they say hell hath no fury and in my rage I said some very hurtful things. In the end as a result, several blogging friendships went by the wayside that day.

But my friend... she talked about writing on a whim. Speaking her truth. Spreading love and inquiring about the ways of the world in such a way that I can only describe as "Uniquely KingyoHime".

Ahhh, I miss those old days when a blank screen was welcomed and craved. A time before ads and stats, writing for the pure pleasure of hearing my words clacking away (on whatever computer I could get my hands on during Emma's naps). Ultimately for the very pleasure of making myself giggle with the hopes that at least one other person in the cosmos enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed sharing.

Maybe for a little while I will just enjoy the feeling it gives me to read the musings of a kindred spirit, and maybe I will comment because something that I read amused me, made me ponder, or made feel a connection across the unknown.

I hope that one day I write again with joy and fervor (when I'm not baby rearing), the words falling out of my head and straight to the screen just like the old days. I can only describe that feeling with a quote from one of my favorite books- I would love to write again in this way :

"If I really wanted to pray I’ll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or in the deep, deep woods and I'd look up into the sky - up, up, up - into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer." ~L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

It is a lovely thought, isn't it? Miss KingyoHime, thank you for your light, your love, and your inspiration. Always.

And for my friends that still love, honor and humor me after all these bloggin' years- if I may be so corny... The feeling is mutual. Joy to you!

Jacob's Halloween costume!

2010-10-17T13:45:00.002-05:00

Matt, my BIL , sent us this costume from our nephew Logan. It's a 6-9 month costume :) Hopefully it wont be unseasonably warm this year. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Jacob (whom I often refer to as Biggie,Biggie Smalls, Big Poppa) is 3 months old now, is 14 lbs 2 ozs and is 24 1/2 inches long.

8 weeks already sigh

2010-09-13T09:35:00.004-05:00

I have many nick names for my baby boy, hopefully most he WONT be embarrassed by when he gets older... but I doubt it: Big Poppa, Biggie Smalls, Big Man, Chubbeh The Hut just to name a few.

Jacob is doing great except for some issues with formula allergies and sensitivities. We have him on Similac Alimentum but believe it or not his system still hasn't adjusted and he has bowel problems. Our pediatrician wants us to take him to the University of Iowa to a GI specialist to rule out real allergies to milk based formulas since he seemed to have a severe enough reaction for us to call 911 (face swelling, rash, difficulty breathing). She wants to see what he if he is really allergic in preparation for the upcoming months when he will start solid foods.

Anywho, despite him still having loose poops and apparently NOT digesting even the hypoallergenic formula, he seems to be gaining weight just fine and his pediatrician gets a kick out of how much he weighs. Right now he is probably 12 lbs at 8 weeks... not too shabby!

Finally... It's definitely a boy!

2010-08-04T16:45:00.006-05:00

Hey there blog reader, I know I am way overdue but not in the way you would think. ;)

I woke up on there morning of July 16th at 6:30 with a contraction of sizable discomfort value. With contraction #2, I grabbed John's (the Male Income Support Unit) arm and said evenly through clenched teeth, " I don't think you will be going to work today." Contraction #3 happened much like #2, about 7 minutes from the previous but a little stronger.

I decided to get up and walk around the quiet house, hoping to get things going as I had failed to do on 2 other occasions within that week. While I was brushing my teeth I called out to my sleeping MISU, "Uhhhhhh, honey? Honnnnnnney, I think my water broke." I stood there with my mouth full of tooth paste, tooth brush poised in mid air waiting for those words to register with John.

Two seconds later a blurry eyed hubby came running to the bathroom. "What should I do?"

"Um, I'm going to call my OB's office, you try to call your mom (so she can stay with Anna and Emma)... and could you please find me some clean maternity undies?"

My Ob's office said to go right to the hospital to be admitted for the already planned c-section. John tried unsuccessfully to get a hold of his mom- who seemed to have turned her phone off because our calls went right to voice mail, so we went to our back up plan, his aunt Sue... Who also was not answering her phone.

10 minutes later, still waiting for my befuddled hubby to find me clean undies, I called my friend and coworker Meghan who had offered to take me to the hospital or watch my girls in case I went into labor early before my MIL had arrived from Texas. Thank God for Meghan, she was there in about 3 minutes!

Since both of our vehicles we in the shop and not running we had to borrow Meghan's car to go to the hospital. Anna (my 9 yr old) calmed her nerves by making some microwave pancakes for herself, Meghan and Emma. My MIL eventually called back while on our way to the hospital.

At 10:16 am, after a few contractions, and after me being jerked all over the surgical table to get him out Jacob Harrison Krajnovich entered this world screaming and healthy 12 days early. He weighed 7 lbs 13 oz and was about 19 1/4 inches long.

His pediatrician brought him over and pressed his little head against my lips repeatedly, in a smooth jabbing motion and finally pressed his face against mine. After a few seconds of me cooing to him ( after I stopped chuckling at our pediatrician LOL), his screams subsided and his proud daddy snapped a few shots.

Mommy and Jacob, my first time holding him about 2 hours after birth :)

Daddy and Jacob on his second day of life :)

Finally a big sis, Emma gets to hold her baby brother after a long 8 1/2 months.

Oldest sister Anna, soooo proud and excited!

My life saver, Miss Meghan getting some baby loves :D

Jacob is settling in to life here pretty well, but we have noticed a few things about our boy. He is louder and stronger than Emma, who in turn was louder and stronger than Anna. He dislikes having his diaper changed very much and doth protest loudly each and every time. He also tends to dislike having an empty stomach and at times has boxed us for his bottle right as we try to get it to his mouth, and he is a very stubborn burper.

All in all, he is welcomed and loved more than could possibly be imagined... this unplanned miracle came just after John and I reconciled last year, and though I had doubts about my ability to take another step forward and seemingly another 4 steps back in my life and it's natural progression... I couldn't imagine my life right now any other way.

My favorite pic so far...

Wowsers!!!

2010-06-04T15:32:00.015-05:00

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Let's see, where to start...

The beginning of May I moved John and I back into our larger room and the girls back to the smaller because they never use their room. We were having a hard time fitting everything we needed into our room including a crib. I painted the room an oceanic blue, and we decorated for Baby Jacob:
I had a wonderful baby shower May 23rd given by one of my sweet coworkers :D they know that we were starting from scratch and decided we needed to have a shower. It was cozy and laid back and we got some really cute stuff!

We also have been given lots of stuff by so many loving and generous people! Car seats and Exersaucers, baby clothes... you name it! Best of all my blogging buddies hooked me up! Maggie sent me some REALLY adorable baby jammies and outfits! These are only a few of the things Maggie sent me :D
And my BFF Michelle has sent be so much... where to start! Here is a onsie she bought off Etsy, so cute!And this set of letters she made that match the baby's room completely!
Besides that, I'm huge. Just enormous. A week ago I had an ultrasound because he is measuring too large, it turns out I was supposed 31 weeks 2 days and he should have been 3 lbs 6 oz, but his size was reading 32 weeks 6 days and 4 lb12 oz. So today I could be 32 1/2 weeks OR 34 weeks. Want proof of my ginormousness?

Taken May 23rd

Taken June 3rd, you can see how we've grown in just over a week :)

So there you have it, I'll find out on the 10th when my doc thinks I'm due based on the new ultrasound and when he wants to reschedule the c section for. It was supposed to be the 26th of July. Otherwise, just finishing up baby quilts and burp cloths and last minute shopping. I'm so big I wonder if I will even make it to the new revised date I'll be getting next week.

I know he needs to cook a bit more, but he's just so big and I'm sooo uncomfortable.

Oh, I forgot to mention that despite almost calling it quits (again) a year ago, we celebrated our 21st anniversary yesterday:) And Emma graduated from preschool today!

Life is good. :)

Annnnnd so it begins

2010-04-01T08:59:00.004-05:00

Last night the girls were watching A Minute To Win It with me in my bed, and I leaned over to tickle Emma. Her response was a giggle screech and generous kick to the belly bump. "Hey," I said," look out, you baby brother is getting squished right now and looks like this..." I made a goofy smooshy face.

She laughed and continued to gently nudge my belly with her foot. I gasped and playfully shouted,"I cannot believe that you are ALREADY picking on your little brother and he isn't even born yet!!!"

This made her laugh even harder, maniacally even, while she STILL continued to nudge my belly.

Poor Jacob, my little love, you have the world ahead of you... but it also contains two older sisters who are going to love ~~the crap out of~~ you.

Good luck with that! Just kidding little one ;) I know all of their tickle spots and all of their embarrassing stories. I've got your six, little buddy.

Belly belly!!!

2010-03-18T14:13:00.007-05:00

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy... I am huge!!! These were taken yesterday :)

4 1/2 months or 21 weeks. I don't even want to think about how big I will be at the end. *SIGH* The good news is that I am off work now because I have been having very intense Braxton-Hicks contractions (which started at 2 1/2 months!!!) that sometimes lead to actual cramping. Sometimes I can be on my feet for an hour, and sometimes only 5-10 mins before I start having them again. We will miss the extra income but let's face it... I worked at Target on the sales floor. It's not like I was making bank.

Anywho, I ordered a crib in ebony to match the wood finish in my bedroom since Baby Jacob will be sharing a room with mom and dad for the first year, It only cost me just over 200.00 with free shipping, woot!!!

And this crib set, which I love!!! It's been really fun shopping for boy stuff so far :DSince we gave everything away, John's coworker (who has twin boys) will be generously giving us 2 infant car seats with bases and lots of baby clothes... which I am very excited about! Chances are anything we did have would have been recalled or too old anyway since Anna just turned 9.

I am getting more and more used to the idea, since he lets me know he's in there quite frequently with lots of kicks and bumps. I do love him already, how could I not?

The best thing? Emma and Anna gave me hugs goodnight last night, then rubbed the belly and said, "Goodnight, Jacob." So sweet!

It's a.....

2010-03-06T12:15:00.009-06:00

Boy!!! We had the ultrasound on Friday 3/4/10... been so busy the last few days so I'm just getting around to posting. He is definitely a Jacob, but still trying to convince the hubby on Jacob David.

Left profile

Left profile again 3/4/10, baby is facing down

Face, you can see on the left side of the head a fist and then on his right side (facing your left) he has a hand covering his right eye :)
And right foot

Everything looks normal according to the ultrasound and the lab tests I had done...I didn't feel comfortable with having an amnio done.

After having our ultrasound of Baby Jacob, we took the girls out for a little shopping and lunch... they bought these hats at Claire's :D

Sad news, but why don't I feel sad?

2010-02-25T09:00:00.008-06:00

***Warning, Not a positive post***

Yesterday my younger brother called to let me know that our maternal grandmother had passed away the night before, that he had just gotten a text from the older brother I have estranged myself from.

I was bothered on many levels about the phone, none of which had to do with my younger brother Ben, or the phone call in and of itself... But My older brother is"sorry for not being there for us", again. He is now 44 or 45 and I still don't believe it. His pleas for family fall on deaf ears. I try not to feel bitter and resentful of his "alleged" neediness... but memories of my co-existance with him as a child and memories of how as adults he was too busy to talk and had to go just minutes after calling him because "his pizza had arrived" or he " was shopping for car insurance"... and this after not speaking to each other for almost 8 months to a year.

Time and time again he refuses to hear Ben's and my valid complaints about our mother, and he cares little enough to retain the reasons that we have explained to him (repeatedly) why we both need to rid ourselves of her insanity, mental and physical abuse and codependent mess. He asks all the tough questions but then ends the call abruptly, while Ben and I sit there shaking, near gastro-intestinal distress from having to recant it all. AGAIN.

To make matters worse, I feel nothing but a slight sadness in my grandmother's passing. I felt bothered by this last night, and as I sit here trembling over my realization this morning... shame taints my day today. I do not feel sorry that this woman passed. The woman who heard her daughters speak of abuse by their father, her husband while she turned a blind eye. Chances are that my mother would have had problems anyway because of the way my grandmother raised her... But her denials definitely contributed to the monster my mother is today.

What I have not divulged on this blog is that I can remember My grandfather watching me and a foster child they had taken in play "doctor". This woman, who had ignored pleas from her own daughters... left her innocent grandchild alone with this man, and had taken in foster children knowing his predilections.

And my mother was either helpless as to where my older brother and I stayed or was too far gone to care in a mental institution that my grandparents and birth father had had her committed to.

I don't know why he (my grandfather) never followed through, and I thank God every day that he did not... but I still wake at night screaming because in my dreams I see him standing in my bedroom doorway... I see the evil intent and filth in his eyes, and it haunts me still to this day.

So, as I felt no sorrow for his passing 2 or 3 yrs ago... I feel nothing for her as well. I don't have many warm fond memories of my grandparents as most people do, I can only remember being punished for talking to my foster sister after bedtime by being locked outside in the back yard for 3 hours after dark for not going to sleep...being beaten by my grandmother with a slipper for spilling god knows what... and night terrors of my grandfather to this day.

On a positive note, though I never have been a perfect parent... I thank God for giving me children after 11 years of infertility, for giving me a chance to prove that my gene pool is not beyond repair, for giving this family line another chance.

And now , even though this pregnancy has started off as a rough one, I thank Him for blessing us again.

More good news :)

2010-02-07T22:36:00.005-06:00

My OB and surgeon agree that there is no need for surgery based on the mammo and ultrasound done. My surgeon said he would still do it if I wanted, to be sure... I said, "No, you are the one with the medical degree, I trust your judgement."

Next I will have blood work done combined with a level II ultrasound of the baby to determine if there is any need to worry about birth defects, considering my "advanced maternal age". I don't feel comfortable with having an amnio, so i will settle for these tests. I have the blood work scheduled for the 15th and will have the ultrasound on March 10th. Hopefully we will get a good look at the critter and if he/she isn't too terribly shy that day we will be able to tell if it's a girl or boy :) I'll be right at 20 weeks then.

Other than that, just trying to declutter! I just finally finished my yearly clean & toss of the girls room but still have bags and bags of their stuff to go through from last years "buggy" incident, or what I like to call "the time mommy almost needed to be medicated due to the freaking out over the bugs that would not die". Yup, still bags of stuff on the porch that we sealed up to kill those dirty lil bastards, hoping they would freeze to death out in our poorly insulated porch. I cannot even bring myself to say the proper name of said bugs because it makes me itch and freak a little to this day. Yes, I have control issues.

Anywho... on to the porch and the garage. AND the walk up attic, which we will start construction on this year to make the girls a huge room. Then John and I can have the larger room back an the baby can have it's own room. For now, the girls still have the larger room and John and I will have to put the crib in our room. Should be interesting!!! The best part? John and I are going to be sleeping on a full size bed (we gave the girls our king for now, to make room for the crib coming in July). Or as John says, Mommy will have a full size bed to her and her pregnant self while Daddy sleeps wedged between to miniature but equally as effective bed hogs.

It's either that or I will have to hang my belly over the side of the bed. ;)

SIGH, what a relief

2010-01-22T23:17:00.003-06:00

Sorry to be late in updating today... it has been a very bus day for me! Emma is really sick with a chest cold and not only did I have to get her seen today this am, but I had to change where I was getting my mammo done to save money at the last minute as well! Luckily they were able to get me in today because it's at the hospital where John works as an IT, and they all know him and were all so kind in getting me in. Then of course, I had to work tonight.

After 4 views, and 15 minutes of waiting... and me starting to freak out and finally talking to God- which I have not done in a very long time- I started to just talk. I said, "OK God, whatever happens I am trusting that you are going to get me through it." A calm came over me, and I was reminded of the scripture "Be still and know I am God"~ Psalms 46:10.

A few minutes later the radiologist came in, held my hand and said he saw nothing, no calcifications, nothing at all to warrant any further tests... just to chalk it up to breast changes due to pregnancy.

I am hoping that my surgeon will see no need for a biopsy/outpatient surgery, my appointment is this next Monday so I will let you know.

Ladies, please... continue to o those monthly breast exams and yearly mammos. You never know when things could change. New statistics show that a woman's chance of getting breast cancer are less than 1 in 8 now... whether or not you have family history.

Thank you again for all of you out there who thought of me, prayed for me or both. I could feel you praying for me today, it was so needed and so truly appreciated.

Much love,
Mert

Health update

2010-01-20T12:14:00.005-06:00

I saw the surgeon this am... I will have a Mammo on Friday, results on Monday, but either way I will be having a decent sized section removed in out patient surgery for a biopsy. I will probably find out Monday when it's scheduled. He says he feels other lumps in that area but thinks it's not anything to worry about... but wants a biopsy under local to be sure. Removing the section is dual purpose... for biopsy purposes but also hopefully they will get everything and not have to go back in if it turns out to be malignant.

On the bright (and slightly morbid) side, I had been thinking about a breast reduction. I wonder if my left boob is gonna be jealous that the right one is gonna be skinnier ;)

WOW

2010-01-16T13:15:00.004-06:00

I am copying some of this from a response comment I left for Pam on my previous post, and I wasn't sure if I should even post this because I'm a mess and I have nothing good to say lately:

Thank you everyone for your responses and support :)It truly is appreciated.

My ob office called yesterday and said that my pap came back with some abnormal cells so they want to do more tests on my next appt 2/4/10. My best friend just happened to call me right after they did, so it was a real blessing. They weird thing is I KNEW as he was doing my pap that it was going to come back abnormal.

Maybe it was God warning me and preparing me. I don't know.

I am hanging by a thread, I don't know how much more stress I can take. Last night I had to lay down for 1/2 hr because I could feel my uterus contracting. I'll be 13 week this coming tuesday so...

*Sigh* I am hanging in there trying to be positive.

Hiho, hiho it's off to the surgeon I go....

2010-01-10T21:29:00.004-06:00

I had my first official OB appointment last Thursday and he checked the lump on my right breast again. He thinks it's nothing but is sending me to see a surgeon. My OB says that they can do a mammo once I am in the 2nd trimester which will be in just over a week.

I would like to say that I am feeling good and positive but for the most part I am just existing and just hoping that my appointment scheduled for the 20th goes for the best. I am trying not to think about it and have been doing OK but did have a bit of a melt down last night after we got home from a friends house.

I'm looking at all the angles and have all my bases covered at least to begin with, what ever road this trip leads me on.

Unfortunately my faith is running a little low. I blame it on being a serial pessimist. ;) Any prayers and happy thoughts that you can send my way would be much appreciated.

Also I have a young friend Michael who has had a stroke, he is only in his 30's and has 3 kids (8 yr old twins and a 7 month old)... and my friend I will call L who is having some difficulties with her last pap and is having further tests. Both of these friends could use some love too. I am praying fervently for them.

It's been an emotional week for me too considering Emma had an appointment same day as my OB for being a bit lethargic and pale, which concerns me given her aortic bicuspid valve. She is getting some vitamins with iron and antibiotics, her pediatrician wants to see her back next week and if she hasn't improved ... it's off to the pediatric cardiologist slightly earlier than expected.

To top it all off my OB was unable to find/get a heartbeat "because it's so tiny" *sigh* Better luck next time I guess.

Anywho, trying to keep my chin up... I will let you know what our docs say as soon as they do what they need to do, whatever that is.

Lurves,
Mert

If I had a nickel...

2010-01-08T13:31:00.003-06:00

I was at work last week telling one of my fabulous coworkers about what my girls have been up to- which, yes, would be trouble...thank you for asking- and she said, "Oh my God Mary, and you're having another one? You are so screwed."

After laughing for about 2 minutes , utterly and completely without rancor and irony, I wiped the tears from my eyes and simply replied, "Yes, oh God yes, this I know."

I am hoping for a Christ-like child if you want to know. Not that my girls aren't fun and entertaining but I have on occasion looked intently at their scalps to have the MISU ask what I was doing. I would reply with a saintly smile that I was looking for the "the mark of the beast", or the evil triple digit.

I would love it if God would somehow deem it necessary and right for me to have a child full of sweetness and light... and to be nothing like me. I already have 2 of those. I had thought for sure He had broken the mold, burned it, and then scattered the ashes to all corners of this little rock we live on. It's a nice thought anyway.

And if I cannot have a Christ-like child, dear Lord, if you should see fit to go with my alternate option... Please make my baby (if it's a boy) in Guy Fieri's image. You know... light hearted, easy going and later in life not ashamed to feed his momma. I'm just saying.

To be sure, I will say again that I have no one else to blame. I wouldn't say I would change my girls per se, just maybe "take a little off the sides". But they are who they are and I love them despite my ability to see in them at times all the little things that irk me about myself LOL! Yes, I have taught them well. ;)

Just a friendly reminder

2009-12-15T09:04:00.002-06:00

Hey y'all, I know it's been a while since I mentioned Frisk The 15th but since I am having a lump checked out today I thought I would pass on a gentle reminder. In this busy holiday season make sure you don't neglect your boobies... Frisk those bad boys!

I'll keep you posted as to what my OB says, hopefully he will chalk it up to changes due to pregnancy but since I just turned 40 in October and haven't had my first mammo yet... we'll see what he has to say.

Sooo, guess what?

2009-12-12T21:21:00.006-06:00

Long time huh? I haven't updated in 9 months and I doubt anyone reads anymore anyway, but... John and I have decided to give it another go, and have been working on things since about August.

Anyway, guess who suspected she was preggers, decided she couldn't wait to get home to take a test so made a trip to the bathroom while shopping at Wally World for Thanksgiving dinner? And guess who-after having a mini nervous breakdown in said bathroom- left her cart, stumbled dazed and confused out of the store without purchasing the pregnancy test?

Yup, I am one classy b*tch, yo. Par for the course.

I will be 8 weeks next Tuesday. I had my first ultrasound this last Tuesday to make sure it was not ectopic. So far so good, saw the heart beat, the girls are very excited. A bit more excited than mom and dad at the moment, but I know we will get there.

I am constantly, and quite cheerfully reminded by a coworker of how lucky we are considering we were infertile the first 10 years of marriage, that we should be ecstatic.. I just smile and nod, while imagining myself barfing on her shoes. Then calling for a clean up on aisle 3 :)

So, we are starting from scratch since we gave away all of our baby stuff... not that some of it would be usable anyway, most of it would be 8 yrs old. We have to add a room in our walk up attic, buy a bigger car.

And plan the MISU's vasectomy ASAHP.

Hmm, Christmas is just around the corner. ;)

Oh God. What. Have. I. Done.

2009-03-16T16:15:00.005-05:00

Today was Anna's Parent/Teacher conference, and usually it's a breeze so I wasn't nervous at all. Anna is advanced for her age, and this has been the case for her whole life.

I even mentioned this on Facebook today, and my blogging buddy Sonia replied:

So, if they tell you she's dealing meth at school, that would probably be a surprise, right?

And to which I quipped back, via the wonder that is Facebook:

Well, as long as she's cooking it during the science portion of class, I really don't see what the big deal is. ;) I sure hope she's better at lighting a Bunsen burner than I am at lighting a gas grill.

Let me say this again, people: "Pride goeth before the fall."~ Praphrased, God.

I should have been nervous it turns out, and I should have taken a cue from this: Emma, my lovely 3 year old decided that she needed to tinkle whilst I applied my war paint.

And so, naturally , she said, "It sounds like I'm peeeeee-ing a WAINBOW!"

To which I replied after a loud snort, "Yes... how does one pee a rainbow, exactly?"

OH GOD, really, why do I ask these questions?

"Well," she begins thoughtfully, "Fust, you put all sorts of cullews in side your who-who... then you SPWAY it ALLLLL OVER the sky!!!" She arcs her upraised hand over her head for effect.

And I'm pretty sure I stood there agape.

Motionless, with my mascara wand floating in mid air.

*Sigh*

Anywho, you would think that having your daughter's second grade teacher start the conference off by asking if you have gotten Spanish by Rosetta Stone would be a good thing. I quite sure that under normal circumstances, this would be the case. It turns out that a classmate complained to the teacher that Anna was cursing at them and calling them bad names in Spanish.

The teacher did some investigating to find that Anna feels like the only way she can get back at some of the kids in her class is to call them names. En Espanol. Mrs. Moore explained to Anna that there are other options to explore, like for instance walking away. She did say that Anna has shown growth in this area and has deployed this tactic on more than one occasion, which shows that Anna is very mature for her age.

I explained that we don't commonly share curse words in Spanish ( though secretly I kicked myself-while blushing wildly- for having shared more than a fair share of the English versions), and that Anna had a secret language when she was younger, and that she would babble when feeling uncomfortable and shy. One of these words, actually and unfortunately one of her favorite words, just happened to be the Spanish word for B*TCH, and that we were very clear on the fact that it shouldn't be said.

Still to this day, when being annoyed by her sister, she lets out a tirade of gibberish and sometimes this word will pop out, without her even realizing. We gently remind her to not use that one. But I explained that Anna is fully aware of what the word means, and that she isn't supposed to say it.

The teacher says, "OH, so she really DID use a bad word. Well, I wanted to say, 'Teach me, I wanna know!'" After which of course our country club laughs could be heard pealing through the hallways.

It also turns out that Anna is a talker ( we know this), that she is messy (we know this too) and made of list of supplies she needs for class, and her teacher was kind enough to point out that everything she needs is probably under 3 feet of school papers.

Last, but not least, I say (type rather) with a heavy sigh that it has come to our attention that our daughter has an odd and advanced sense of humor. Sometimes the other kids don't get her when she is being funny *OH GOD*, and the Mrs. Moore tries to not only sooth the poor child that Anna has emotionally decimated by drawing humorous pictures of *OH GOD, it's all my fault... how is it possible that my cheeks are burning MORE* while not crushing Anna's spirit... and sometimes, just sometimes, the other kids don't get her sarcastic sense of humor at all. * OH. MY. GOD. I have made my poor child guilty by association. She has gleaned everything she knows of this world from me, and as my husband so succinctly put it, she has been swimming in a sea of sarcasm from day one... my daughter is a dork*

On a brighter note, Sonia, at least she's not dealing meth, right? *weak smile*

That's my girl!

2009-03-08T11:23:00.003-05:00

Emma was playing Candyland on her laptop yesterday and said , "Mommy! You have to come see this , it's os funny!"

So I walked over and she clicks on part of the game, "Hold on momma, it has to load... OK, " she puts her hand over her mouth and giggles as something pops up on the screen, "THAT'S CLASSIC!" Ten she falls over laughing. "That's classic, isn't it momma?"

I laughed so hard. I don't know how many times I have said to John "That's classic/that's classic Mary/classic DORKY Mary", and now my sweet almost 4 yr old is saying it too. Love it.

Anna Madison

2009-02-27T10:33:00.001-06:00

Eight years ago tomorrow, my first baby was born after 11 long years of infertility, sadness and uncertainty. Eight years ago tomorrow my heart and soul was reborn from darkness into light.

After 22 hours of labor, after 36 sleepless hours and almost losing her, complete and utter happiness came into my life. I post this every year to remind me of how blessed we truly are.

~mert