j9k

where is the pleasure here?

2008-02-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

2008-02-15-0558

I've begun to ask.

Visions of the impossibility of individuality,

Of watching behavior flow through me/this node

Of staying still until the motive came to move,
of swimming until the motive came to stop.

Of laying still, watching thoughts come, go, cycle--

letting them go--coming again--where are they coming from?

Where is the pleasure here?

Of looking back afterward on the absolute unquestioning in me as I wrote an email or worked on a web page for a long time--

Of questioning the turmoil that sending an email, preparing for an action, caused in me.

Why is this node / am I doing this? Where is the pleasure here.

Seeing and feeling there was no pleasure in the turmoil, in the cycling of thoughts--

I began to practice stopping -

When we ride on a horse which is out of control, I think our deepest wish is to stop. How can we stop? We have to resist the speed, the losing of ourselves, and therefore we must organize a resistance. Spending two hours on a cup of tea during a tea meditation is an act of resistance, nonviolent resistance. We can do it because we have a Sanghakaya [community of practitioners]. We can do it together, we can resist a way of life that makes us lose ourselves.

(From Nhat Hanh, The Path of Emancipation: Talks from a 21-Day Mindfulness Retreat. Parallax.org, 2000. 110. 7-9)

- I saw Thay Nhat Hanh's smiling face. I saw the smiling, loving face of the monk teaching walking meditation. -

I slowed my walk, clasped my hands in front, and breathed in with a few steps, breathed out with a few steps, walking slowly. Bringing attention to where this node / I was, dissociating attention more often from the cycling thoughts, smiling a half smile--

all that I'd learned from Nhat Hanh, a visit to Deerpark, and time with others too--

So, where is the pleasure here?

I'm typing here--, I'm smiling a half smile, I have a little tears--

Where is the pleasure here?

Where do the words come from?

Why is this node / am I typing them?

Why do I continue?

Why did I start?

When will this motive stop moving through this node / me?

-------

I go back to WIE.org's little blurb about Teilhard de Chardin's omega point.

There is a Vision moving through me / this node.

Moving through every one--

If we practice stopping we can feel it coming.

----------------------

Where is the pleasure? Lila?

Why did I ever mindlessly eat and read, eat and read? Not stopping till the food or reading was done?

Why did I ever work on sending an email, making a web page, not stopping even when it first got published, but going over and over the parts of it as if bombs had been dropped in my landscape, leaving new features to explore?

---------

Why am I / is this node / is this writing / are these words
moving through this node.

---------

So, the vision is coming.
I can relax about it.

I can practice stopping. Leaving the thoughts.

They will all get thought.

The ideas will all become happened.

------------

Why is there ever lack of control?

What is the vision?

Why is it not already here? Is it not?

-------------

Why do we ever act contrary to the vision?

--------------

do we ever--

------------------------

So, I watch my starting and stopping. Wondering where they come from.

Once, maybe unhappy, I thought there was no point to anything.

But I see now "I had never really stopped" (See Satish Kumar's story of Angulimala--_The Buddha and the Terrorist_. Buddha: "I have already stopped. You, Angulimala, have not.")

The thoughts kept going--

never really stopped.

-----------------------

So, do I just watch the vision coming? Where is the pleasure here?

Are the automatic times when it is coming? Is the writing here when it is coming? Is the working in the garden? Is the eating? the reading?

-------------

I don't just sit still and thoughtless for ever. The time comes to move again.

-----------------------

I rarely sit still and thoughtless for very long at all.

the helicopter circles compost that relaxes thich nhat hanh's smiling face as his body burns. overwhelming force. motivation embed.

2008-02-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

[written 2008-02-10-0901 posted 2008-02-15-0746]
sdprim.blogspot.com
sdpbb.blogspot.com

what does the connection I may be seeking look like?

live that way now

a motivational connection.

(1) I care for my body--the lack of connection is not such that I stay up late, neglect exercise trying remedy it

[so, live that way now]
----------------------------------

(2) As part of our connection, we're helping transform the city into a more connective, less isolative space--

The motivational connection we create, tends to open up, to generate neighborhood-level love, connection, action support-- consistent with what city repair has done---
Reducing the motives people have to travel outside their neighborhoods--

[so, live that way now]

-----------------------------

Helping organize in fallbrook is not consistent??-- Well, rainbow is closer than quail springs.--

-----------------

Recognize that others all many of them seek connection too--

So I seem to feel it most strongly -- the drive to connect?
with people of similar age and background--

how do I help others of different ages and backgrounds do the same--
in a healthy, life-fulfilling/enhancing way?

City repair.

-------------------------------------------

Recognize that years of dissociative, isolating planning and building have occurred and even now still continue,
resulting in an urban environment which is physically, socially, psychologically dangerous to be in--

Recognize we need to be together close, in the outdoors, in places free of that devastation, and pay the costs of doing that, though we may leave the city that needs to be repaired to have those times.

----------------------------

Now, I want to explore a smallness in me-- it may be a smallness--That may tend to isolate others from me--[--tend to create barriers between me and others]

I don't seem to share the confrontational focus of many activists in the area--I didn't help with no borders camp, for example.

Inwardly, I tend to fault many of these activists for accepting the use of the car in their work--, or in their daily lives.

So that is an isolative smallness I have, even as I occasionally will use cars.

Another isolative smallness I have:

If people are polished, stylish, creating a good, classy appearance, going to fancy restaurants, - - -

I tend to feel they are reinforcing "death culture" - They drive, they fly, they have 'culture.' the culture that destroys.

----------------------------------

In that, I'm not different from the more confrontational activists--

If people are well polished, well equipped with consumer goods--

I tend to have this feeling that something is wrong there--there is rotting flesh there--

----------------------------

---------------

This may not be a wrong feeling on my part--
the ones who are successful in the culture of life, even as they draw funds from culture of what came before, do not have this feeling about them--

Warren Brush--, the folks at quail springs--they hardly have this well-consumed appearance--though they have vestiges.

The folks at earthaven. . .

I have what my mom sends me . ..

---Don is a good example of near total opposite,
though we all have vestiges of the time of conspicuous, classy consumption.

--------------

What is hard is that in SD it is very much the status quo--
if you go about with a non-conspicuous consumption appearance--
You must be strong, or it is easy to feel inferior--

We love to go with the herd, we love to not have to question what to do all the time--The more different we are, the more isolated we may feel (unless we are some spiritual god on earth--but even they needed their posse before they were strong), the slower, more weakly we may function, because just to exist requires constant self-reinforcement.

----------------------------------------

The primitive skills groups---
what does this have to do with the new culture?

Because there is a kind of renunciation, of simplicity that goes on. . .

Buddhists monks and nuns are different, living simply, and they have their posse to help them be strong in that way--

-------------------------------------------------

---------------------------

That's it.

The other vision---------------

That I don't knock myself out trying to do everything that could be done with the computer--

mapping all the gardens,
all the carfree casualties,

contacting all those who could be contacted. . .

That, like activistsandiego, we have a group who finds value in doing those things.

-------------------

Do I need to learn to deal with money??

Kinsee, Kinz, Morlan, has her student loans. . .

---------------------------------------------------

Now what about the overwhelming force that is arrayed against or dragging behind the kinds of values i may be getting at--

just now, a helicopter is circling-- that is the kind of overwheming force--

--the highways are driven on, my grandma puts on perfume..

The newspaper people turn people's attentions to local and less local politicians--

some even support the building of new roads,
the attendance of mass sporting events. . .

--The helicopter circles, , ,

The highways roar. . .

The overwhelming force against peace---

Every year-- 12,000 [7,000] more state students--

overwhelming force--

The largest Meetups, the general--lets make friends--lets go to theme parks, lets go to ball parks, thats what friends do.

--the helicopter circles--

--The airplanes land and take off--

people, politicians, concern themselves with roads and airports and fire defense of suburbs--

--there are absolutely massive areas of pavement left over from poor planning days, and maybe even new ones (see the toll roads) planned--

-------------
----------
-------------

These massive forces against life and peace make urban life one of

---
because just to exist requires constant self-reinforcement, and some how a practice of acceptance of abuses of peace, of good sense--

one cannot deal or thrive with constantly being dismayed,

by the helicopter that still circles--

by all those other things.

-------------------------------------------

So what about these massive overwhelming forces that make me all to glad to escape, to give up, to accept death, to embrace to encourage the tumors inside me that will kill me and free me from these things at which I wish I were not so often feeling dismayed at, gritting my teeth at, shaking my head why at.

----------------

In the world I wish, these forces continually weaken, diminish, weaken, diminish, lessen, fade, wane, relax, mist away, cool, ease, are soothed, stroked to sleep and perhaps their throat slit so they die without adrenaline in their blood, making compost that relaxes.

Now what if I'm so far wrong? So far wrong that the trees in the little shred of a natural canyon left near here are cut down and the cyn is built up?

What other expansion of force could there be into my life at which I would dismay even more?

What if I read in the news, more suburbs are built, more roads are paved, more forests are cut, more helicopters are flown, more airports are expanded, retail sales are up, home size grows, water use grows, more habitat destroyed, more oil fields opened, more golf courses, more soldiers, more chicken factories, more dams, more people, more SDSU students, more cars,

I read in the news. . .

more helicopter overflights, more rumbling mufflers, more black soot on the leaves, on the figs,

------------------------------------------

More IDs. More tickets for being a pedestrian, more scrutiny, harrasment for not fitting in,

-----------------------------------

If all that and more?????

Given that there is all that and more? The confrontational anarchists, the ezln, the irc, survival international, starhawk, monbiot, your favorite activist here, remind us?

------------------------------------

I just see Thich Nhat Hanh's smiling face.
As his body burns.

But it doesn't.

His body is younger than mine, and he is more than twice as old.

-------------------------

Can you be peaceful, at peace colin? not driven to consume to kill your health, your body?

--------------------------------------------------------

---------------------
the overwhelming force of all the lives so caught up in obligation to get to spend, even kinsey, kinz morlan, even , especially her?

------

not especially.

------
[from the notepad from a sitting near Chollas lake:]

"I am giving you your space,
to be yourself here."

"the non-story story
I want to tell --
the non news--

"moving from the
internet connection
w/ like minded,
to the in person
connection w/ like
minded--

"-see and touch and care fore
in person

Discoveries about the region --

your own discoveries

--
moving from region
to neighborhood focus

"They will continue to
pave, expand, grow,
make noise about it--

"the PC view / vision

"being so different,
how do you interact w/ people who are not your way??

------

"People in different
parts of the region
writing about their local area

"I love not having
to question what I'm doing

"what motivational
network would
I participate in?
In what would I
willingly self-
embed--

"still, unchanging,
automatic,
until forced--
impinged--

---
"development" as death
as refinement

"real people?"
"poor people" ?

Motive networks
time spent questioning

willingly re-embed

attention networks

--
Wanting to connect,
healthily

what is that
connection like?

What's it look like?
-----------------------1024

one shining contact [emerging from incoherence]

2008-02-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

[written 2008-02-08-1928 posted 2/15 0648]
this is

no more

procrastination possible.

----------------------------------------------
must reflect.

1938
have been
working on
blog--

escaping reflection

---------
in working on blog, I encounter
professionals

peaple with jobs,
who make money

------------

I hear news

-------
so time for silence, sensing
this node's space.

----------
The blog--
the drive--
I guess,
about connection.

Some garden work done--

But the contact with people I seem to crave more,
or??
and that contact is there, in the electrons sent, sensed

That contact is there,
in my refining of some posts, again and again, to be more readable--

That contact is there.

--------------------------------

and do I want no job?
what would I do with money?

----------------------------------

Now--
is there any non-computer way to have that contact with people?

Having no job?

--------------------------

it seems fine.

----------------------------------------

any change?

-----------------------

More balance with how computer used, would be good change.
No sitting here all day, never exercising. No more of that, would be good.

----------------

More work in garden might be good--
I haven't done it much though.

Connection not there?

------------------------

The only new connection I see is a north county gathering to weave willow, eat wild plants.

--------------------------------

Everyone else goes on about highways, airports, jobs, houses, money

--so far, I get to play.

so far, I see no end--

to that play--

--------------------------------------

The toll, though,
being the odd one--

seeking connection--

neglecting peace, care for body--

----------------------------------

So the Internet work,
leads to connection like that.

--------------
can't I stay here?

care for the garden here?

----------------

I expect it will all get done.

Let what happens .

------------------------------

So what happens to one who does none of what one is supposed to do, living in US in 2008?

we're finding out.

------------------------------

The blog, only thoughts, has to be for the writers.

Readers can go so many other places.

will it be a place that elicits writing?

--------------------------------

------------------------------------

I guess,
that's all.

a gathering to plan--one shining contact--
a verge, perhaps, to plant --a cloudy contact--

---always more computer work--mapping carfree casualties, mapping gardens-- ah, archiving carfreeuniverse--

and the garden here to work on.

------------------

no more than that.

-------------------------

can there be a blog of no news? of no issues? of no leadership?

Can't you all walk away and live with your grandmas?

---------------------------------

will the doers end up housing me someday, who stopped doing?

-------------------------------------------

When I explore the world, for the blog, I find doers.

Not peace.--creative spirituality maybe--
not stillness.

--------------------------------------

Too, the force in me, is not to total stillness, inaction. . .

It seeks connection?

----------------------

The force, not what I am.

-------------------------------

a computer seed planted long ago, that is what is growing here.

------------------------------------------

What projects can I work on not needing to travel around?

-------------------------------------------

night.

Don

2008-01-27T18:52:00.000-08:00

Written 2008-01-27-0652, Posted 2008-01-31-1434

I'm back. I.

We, for two + weeks.

Don, I.

Mad, mindless eating for quite a while. Mindless, maybe not mad.

Goodies are gone now. All that's left is

- flour to make into bread.

- a basket to finish weaving.

- a verge to plant.

- a rat trap to make.

- amaranth to winnow.

- a life to re-evaluate.

wounds to heal:

- poison oak in unpleasant places,

maybe probably still on some articles, the oil.

- a hurt knee.

- rotted back teeth.

another way of living witnessed, experienced, to forget.

Upcoming events:

- feb 2, sister's birthday

- feb 3, go to circus

- feb 3, city repair

- feb 9, verge planting.

---------------------------------

nothing else.

---------------------------------

read all the papers.

ate all the food.

no internet back here, and used it all yesterday.

---------------------------------

itched all the itch.

---------------------------------

first Josh. Now Don.

two accomplished men.

Don, not looking like one to most people-- never showers, only washes, swims. Scavenges.

grows tons of food. Holds land. Plants trees. Drives a small car. Fixes cars. Skilled. Sufficient. Producer. Sustainable.

Looking back, on --- [deathbed], for life to be a success, what would have had to happen.

Is this a question to consider.

or just meditate.

-----------------------------------

also, my friend, [I am] so small.

Not helpful.

There is not any other.

[I'm] gone.

------------------------------------

So what do I come back to here, having been gone so long in We. Piggybacking on, creating with, another's motivation?

Don, a grower, a creator.

-------------------------------------

Stillness. Silence.

-------------------------------------

Was reading Michael E. Arth.

-------------------------------------

[I tear] down.

[Read] to reject.

[Sense] to reject. To contract against. To shut out.

-------------------------------------

[stew] in, [reinforce], [enjoy](?), [my] own isolation.

-------------------------------------

0732

she's back. Just now. We meet at 10 ish.

to go to rec ctr .

--------------------------------------

oh, no. I cannot go anymore. no association is better. not so.

---------------------------------------

the life that was here stabilizes.

---------------------------------------

The route offered out by Don--

primitive skills gatherings,

the people met there. Like him.

--------------------------------------

Not just like, but of similar freedom.

From addiction.

--------------------------------------

He is the master.

He is renunciation and abundance.

He is Buddha.

--------------------------------------

He is energy, activity. Yang. Obsessed.

--------------------------------------

Has use for the world. Has use for life.

--------------------------------------

The migrants, too. The migrants in the forest. In Pine Creek Wilderness.

--------------------------------------

He is vitality, vigor, health, in weathered, well-used skin.

--------------------------------------

0812

I guess there's no more to say. I'm not Don. Not Michael E. Arth. and I'm not not.

I can be still. Undriven.

So I let it all go. What stays, .

change

--------------------------------------

peace,
colin.

Josh

2008-01-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

Written: 2008-01-04-1022, posted 2008-01-31-0223

Again. Begin.

I've been gone doing manual labor on a permaculture-style landscaping project in Jamul.

I'm restraining several urges:

- to eat lots of peanuts

- to go to the front and get on internet and check sdfnl email list

1031

Well opera feed reader had downloaded part of that-- so I see I'm not missing anything huge. I do not have the cfn or sdpg (carfree_network, San Diego Permaculture Guild) as a feed though.

--------

So, for many days now, what to do with myself has been taken care of--I go to work, and be directed. There were some times where what to do required figuring out or patience.

----

Now what?

I do work tomorrow.

I sort of wanted to bike across the highway to the decent food store and get the stuff to make a decent calorie restriction- type meal--See page 220 in _Beyond the 120 year diet_ (on amazon or google books).

To see if I can shift to some better eating habits.

---

I'm not eating now, and haven't been for a while. This is a good thing.

---

Things to think about.

Well. There's no free internet back here any more.

I still spend time checking on the old node I used to use.

I could get internet for $10/mo. But would be a hassle. . . and I don't love it.

I can still go to the front of the house and get on a node there, but that is grandma's space.

----

So it's just us--

---

I was working with Josh of eden on earth ecological landscaping (he has a website).

He is motivated and motivating. Younger than I, established in a business, having a house, teaching permaculture--

He's doing good things.

----

On my own, I tend to default to nothing. To a type of maintenance.

--I could start some sort of ecological landscaping business here.

With a car or without.

But why work--

--
I can look into attitude.

My friend Rebecca called--

I haven't seen my neighborhood friend for a while.

It is so easy not to see her.

But I'll probably be walking by her place later today.

So mind shuts down, and blanks on possibilities that

--

I work tomorrow. Challenge course stuff.

---

I agree planting trees is what needs to happen-- the five [seven] f's of plant uses: food, fiber, forage, ?, ?[, ?, ?]

But I'm not.

I read about the great things going on, in _Communities Magazine_

communities forming-- elsewhere now,

but they'll be happening here too--

--

and-- I feel like rolling over and dying?

---
ah-- here's some from emerson:

--2007-12-03-1747
http://www.emersoncentral.com/transcendentalist.htm

It is a sign of our times, conspicuous to the coarsest observer, that many intelligent and religious persons withdraw themselves from the common labors and competitions of the market and the caucus, and betake themselves to a certain solitary and critical way of living, from which no solid fruit has yet appeared to justify their separation. They hold themselves aloof: they feel the disproportion between their faculties and the work offered them, and they prefer to ramble in the country and perish of ennui, to the degradation of such charities and such ambitions as the city can propose to them. They are striking work, and crying out for somewhat worthy to do! What they do, is done only because they are overpowered by the humanities that speak on all sides; and they consent to such labor as is open to them, though to their lofty dream the writing of Iliads or Hamlets, or the building of cities or empires seems drudgery.

--

A great man will be content to have indicated in any the slightest manner his perception of the reigning Idea of his time, and will leave to those who like it the multiplication of examples. When he has hit the white, the rest may shatter the target.

--

New, we confess, and by no means happy, is our condition: if you want the aid of our labor, we ourselves stand in greater want of the labor. We are miserable with inaction. We perish of rest and rust: but we do not like your work.

--

When shall I die, and be relieved of the responsibility of seeing an Universe which I do not use?

----------------

"When shall I die, and be relieved of the responsibility of seeing an Universe which i do not use?"

---

It's not that I do not use it.

But all around, everyone's being used by it.

And I do not believe.

Something like that.

------------

I believed in what Josh was doing enough to accept Marc's offer of a ride out there.

--------

That's promising.

----------------------------------------

The course of action as I see it now:

Return to pure maintenance-- my exercising, my sitting, my stillness.

I have the added advantage now of no internet access. Or less.

--------

The only work I was doing in that previous period of stillness was internet work--the sdtjdph blog.

Intending to help the San Diego groups network, organize themselves, map out where they are, what they know about.

---

I may get back to that.

---

But will have to go to campus or to a cafe or to the front room,

and work there.

-----

Challenge course work will come up.

Permaculture stuff will come along.

And that will be it.

--

When I see all the goodness and energy of other paths-- say Josh's. Say Quail Springs. . .

Say--almost anything.

It shakes me up a bit. Maybe I could be doing that.

------

Maybe I could go somewhere where I did not fear or dislike transporting myself around the landscape.

Europe?-- [to help Rebecca in Boston?]

---

So, then I return to the status.

The violence of the rushing cars ---

I seek to avoid this.

I've just been around more of it than usual--riding in cars, biking from Jamul twice, to Jamul once.

--

So I do not even want to cross the highway for the better food.

I can make myself do it. And will be glad to be across. Coming back is not so hard.

---

Serenity, though, may come from not going there.

There is some hard effect. Some reaction to the repression of the in-your-face awareness of the violence. The ugly brutality.

---

If I did not seek escape by eating---

eating and reading.

Lacking other joy, that is where I go.

---
The full realm of possibility is too vast to begin to consider,

I am nearly incapable of directing myself.

--

So, Josh, encouraging and as good a model as you are,

I am not yet, and may never be the one to bring the degree of good leadership you represent to this place.

--

I'll muddle along-- in a quirky way

with the internet project--

talking to myself half of the time--

to others on occasion.

I can help the community gardens get mapped.

--what becomes of the rest, I do not know.

---

I may still eat to escape, for a self-destructive pleasure--

"I want to die"-- repeating in my mind as I do what is mindlessly not helpful--

--

I'm here now though. A peaceful, more or less aware state.

Not driven to self-destruction.

Just aware,

aimless.

--

Mind continuing its perception of self-existince,
by continuing flow of thought.

--

Sit, and be still, and some degree of action will come from that.

Some degree.

Not on the scale of Mollison, Thich Nhat Hanh, Geoff Lawton, Warren Brush, Ellee, Josh Robinson, etc., etc.,

But a fraction of that degree of creation--

--

Possibly a channel could begin to be hollowed out,

Leading later to a greater flow.

---

Talking here won't figure out my day. Tomorrow is already taken care of.

---

Peace,
and Love--

Colin

1125

Hypnogourd, meta-mind

2007-12-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

Posts since last time:

Discovery:

The main thing recently has been the SD/TJ Design, Plant, Harvest blog. I have been obsessed with it.

And fascinated with what I've been seeing about the world becoming more aware of itself, through blogs, maps, feeds, and the tools google, yahoo, others create to help this.

But I've been so obsessed, I've been using the computer too much.

My neighborhood friend, fortunately, has been rescuing me from the hypnogourd.

So I'm now in this space of being able to step back and think a bit more "meta" about what I've been doing.

Earlier this week I did get out and away to some wonderful places, and wrote letters by hand.

With the blog, the computer, there is endless fiddling that can be done.

And one feature leads to more opportunities for fiddling, and more visions of what it may be possible to create.

[and as great and world-owning as google is, this post editor still messes things up sometimes!! web publishing is not there yet??]

I'm not entirely sure where that sdtjdph blog is going, but I'm immediately excited about

simplifying the layout
mapping sd community gardens, and making it easier to map more and more things: sd canyons, the locations referenced in blog posts, fruit trees around town (reachable from the sidewalk or in public space). . .
And maybe helping make something others will very much want to use unlike my earlier efforts at experienceart, carfreeuniverse.

[do you want to collaborate, to help make it not a solo project? I've been having fun with the solo, choosing a name, and so on, it would be different in a group. . .]

I think what is happening with the blog is

the creation of a public space. It is meant to be a page where people meet, collaborate, and are able to go their separate ways, but they are all benefited by sharing a space with many others with different foci, yet a similar underlying goal.

"Design, Plant, Harvest" references the three things I at least sometimes neglect. Am I just "planting" (doing, doing, quick intuition, mindless fiddling), neglecting to design? Am I just designing (thinking, dreaming, hesitating in indecision), neglecting to plant? And have I planted, but never harvest--?

"Design", influenced by permaculture's emphasis on design, was the title briefly.

And I do want the blog to have more than just gardening info, but value having consideration of all the rest (land, water, energy use) rooted in the organic gardening, permaculture design metaphor.

But maybe all that will be left behind and the site will go in directions I don't forsee.

Maybe it will be no more than a demo that inspires some other project.

So, now is a time to stop and design what I'm doing--the aesthetics of working with the computer--what kind of experience do I want to harvest here, to help our mind, body have?

I came across a page last night (collecting google mashups: maybe this site) that said something like "why go anywhere when you can see more of the world through your computer?" I can feel that sentiment--and see though how the awareness enabled though the internet/computer is not separate from our being in the world.

When you do a search on blogger, or look at random blogs, and find many people in your city (especially nyc, sf: e.g., streetsblog, many many others) or even on your street, sharing--

Well there's a huge opportunity to improve awareness of the gardens, canyons, fruit trees and on and on in san diego--and of many efforts to do good things, to create great public space.

So, now, my task: avoid the computer. Consider where I want to go with this, and not just obsessively fiddle away.

Fitness has been good (thanks to friend breaking the spell). Diet/eating has been decent (incorporating some red meat infrequently, adding bits of butter with some things). Garden has been neglected. I've not spoken to my relatives about xmas. . . and could just let it go by and visit in January.

I've found some beautiful places to be--using the bike I found to get there--though I pass mindstretching expanses of bare (and in some cases, empty) pavement on the way, and think I may/ will die because of drivers here, biking on some of the busier roads.

Meditating, sitting, being, has been continuing too.

So, now, my task: avoid the computer. Consider where I want to go with this, and not just obsessively fiddle away.

Not where I want to go--

But to go into silence, to come back out, to consecrate more (?)

Not where I want to go--

visions always context-based

2007-12-07T12:39:00.000-08:00

2007-12-07-1200

things have been fine.

I spent Wednesday researching art of union (artofunion.org, and via tribe.net: artofunion, HOME), plus my other friends/acquaintances in Costa Rica: Rod Rylander, Evan Marks. Partly prompted by Bill mentioning his son, Michael Shames (UCAN god) is going down there setting up eco-resorts. Partly after reading bluejay's airfare site and seeing I could get there for $250.

Thursday reading planetizen.

Tuesday sleeping?

Having a fine time.

Sort of content just to let life happen.

Not really.

Would like to
1206

guide more?

--Now, Art of Union / Heaven on Mother Earth--

In many ways they are doing what I proposed doing--

Community, land trust, spiritual foci,

Many good things.

---------------

I saw the guy celebrating that he lives near a waterfall.

I wasn't super excited. (checked to see what the costa rican cities were like) (we have that here, in los padres NF. . . but not all the fruit and frogs. . . and year-round warm.)

I seem to remain more excited about walking around New York City.
(Why am I not going to participate in Art Of Union? or some other Costa Rica project? Too much work? What work would I ever want to do?)
--------------------------

Oh-- nevermind.

-----------

So I return to urban planning.

----------

I enjoy reading this--

very much.

-------------------

The thought of being a researcher again, and writing papers, and then getting an office job, or being a planner, running public meetings. . .

-------------------------

We'll see.

The plan for now:

continue reading planetizen-- the intersectionsblog.

1217

Today, rode 2hrs to get a pass so I can do challenge course work on a Navy Base.

1218
I have been doing ok taking care of self, having a good routine.

alternate walk/swim mornings. Bike across highway to walk near lake murray. In the evenings, usually play around in warm outdoor pool at SDSU. Visiting with friend most evenings.

1225

it is exciting to think how much better urban environments could become.

fascinating how complex the process of creating them is.

1227

A black guy (I was biking through the "poorer" neighborhoods) cheered me on (I'm on a lowrider recumbent with a bright flashing light on my helmet and florescent vest, florescent tow-truck gloves I found on my last long ride). Something like, "Alright! Way to keep your money guy!"

And that was a main reason I was biking. The round-trip would cost me $5 by transit.

-----------------------

I guess I'm somewhat done being angry at the landscape.

If I wanted to do something about it, I would be.

Biking through it (almost no one does) is my part.

1233

So, no grand vision.

peace,
Colin

1241
-----------------
A Posting (Tuesday night): Ecopoopia: carfreeness/physical activity and veganism

----------------
Notes from this past interval:

A critique of "stay where you are":

She felt Wendell Berry would say “Stay at home, live a sustainable life and get out of the death culture.” Thomas Berry would say, “Discover your dream and life purpose and live fully into it.” From "An evening with Thomas Berry" by Frank Cook.

--------

. . . a piece in The New Yorker by Nick Paumgarten on commuting in America entitled "There and Back Again". The tease at the beginning sums up the entire piece: "People may endure miserable commutes out of an inability to weigh their general well-being against quantifiable material gains."

------
At the turn of the 20th century,William Phelps Eno invented the rules of the road to reduce the number of accidents caused by horse-drawn vehicles; he is credited with devising the stop sign, the stop light, the yield sign, the crosswalk, the pedestrian island, the one-way street, the traffic circle, and the taxi stand. In addition, he codified driving on the right side of the road.

http://www.uctc.net/access/30/Access%2030%20-%2002%20-%20Horse%20Power.pdf
http://www.uctc.net/access/access30.shtml

1258

to look forward to each day; watching the wind in the trees

2007-12-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

You might have noticed:
I've not yet renounced everything to live the life of a homeless beggar. Who meditates.

I sort of came to the resolution that I won't renounce everything.

Or that much. At least not yet. Not until I have to?

Then: If I'm not going to renounce, what will I do.

And I got to looking at jobs.

-----------

Also what occurred--there is a decent (ongoing) challenge course work opportunity coming up--for a while I thought there was no go on that--and then it came back.

My mood followed that a bit.

Then I got to thinking about working for land trusts or doing some sort of urban planning.

-----------------------------

One thing comes back to me though.

In a way I am totally free--it seems I don't really care whether I'm homeless or not, or even alive or not--so I am free to follow divine guidance (or divine lack of guidance).

On the other hand, while I am alive,

I tend to return to comfortable situations.

---------------------------------------

I've been affected by the guy who runs the soilandhealth web site/library (Steve Solomon). He writes:

When I needed to earn a living I made my work into play. My father wished that one on me. In a moment of great sincerity he said that he only wanted me to accomplish one thing in my life: that I would wake up each morning and look forward to what I had to do that day--something he frequently failed to achieve himself.

------------------------

1509

at this point there's nothing I really have to do. Except care for my part of our body.

the rest goes into caring for mind?

1522
so I've been sitting around--sometimes--when I'm not on an internet research binge (like this morning: affordable housing, how to buy a house)

Meditating sometimes.

1524
watching the wind in the trees.

1527
while chewing mindlessly on unpopped popcorn kernels. . .

I thought I was going to contemplate applying to teach sailing.

That's something I was thinking of doing to get out of the house more, and to have more connections.

Oh. What I realized when going to SANDAG for the meeting (downtown, at least an hour bike ride, through pouring rain on that day), is that simply having to transport oneself from one place to the next can be mind-quieting.

It can help to be doing something more complex than walking--such as riding a bike or driving.

All those people can actually like driving--I understand this--and many of them listen to audio books and other things like that.

1531

Once one has decided one needs to go from point a to b,

while one is doing that, one doesn't really need to wonder what to do in life . . .

------
So, I miss new york city a bit.

I was looking at the "streetsblog" started by some people there.

-----

At the same time, I enjoyed my walk today, and could stop and be still along the way without getting cold.

So this is a bit of what is going on here.

The only work I'd love getting up for--I think--

is probably outside,

and probably does not involve guiding gaggles of people.

And could be away from cars. (and all engines)

I saw that UCSD needs mariners/seamen.

--------------------------------------------

But part of what I'm doing is staying still.

My trip downtown and back was positive.

And opened me to traveling more.

The new challenge course work involves a commute.

--------------------------

Wallace Wattles has affected me a bit (on how to be great / a genius).

I seem to waver between wanting to be great

and enjoying bare consciousness: how amazing--I can hear, feel, see. . .

------------------

And since I have no desires that are not met- - -

Why should I do any more than sit about being amazed that I can hear, feel, see?

------------------

Because someday, Colin, you will have desires? There will be no food or shelter?

Or because humans have the drive to grow, to self-exceed (Wattles, Aurobindo),

And sitting about being amazed that you can hear, feel, see,

does not cause you to grow?

-------------

Ok. So you have a picture of how things are going.

This picture here is not representative of an average of my time:

I've been driven: thinking about affordable housing, and that land trust idea.

I've been despairing (see post from before going to SANDAG). That happened to be a grey day. So that could just be the weather.

-------------------

It does not seem like it would take much to buy a $200,000 condo. . .

Unfortunately nothing with salary that I've thought of passes the "would you look forward to getting up? to what you have to do?" test. . .

The land trust / coop angle seems a bit of a hassle.

And if I play god: the people are doing o.k.--my interference isn't really called for-- [everything is perfect as it is. . . and incomplete]

unless it can be play.

----------------

And I guess that works.

10 or 20 years from now maybe I'll be sleeping in the canyons or in a car or on a boat or in a shed or in an office building or who knows.

My vision of self (following Wattles):

I don't worry about that.

(I don't think I'm telling the truth there--unless I'm practicing being peaceful my mind is constantly seeking for something good to do).

Peace,

Colin

consciousnesscare earthholding network

2007-12-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

[This was written on 12/1, not posted until 12/2. There are things wrong with this, and I've moved on or left this, in a way, without sending this to anyone.]

About a year ago I posted on "community land trust cities" and "Community Land Trusts (CLTs) for San Diego - reading group".

I've gotten back on that track, and have a more specific idea.

Let's begin buying (or saving or fundraising to buy) urban property to be part of a landholding that will be managed based on earthcare values.

How this might work:

(1) Get a group of people committed to managing urban land use based on earthcare values.

(2) Figure out the nature of the legal entity that can hold the land. This may be a community land trust.

(3) Plan how best to begin so that the landholding can grow to contain more and more urban property over the years.

(3.5) Consider how the process can be a model for others.

As a part of this I also see:

(4) Getting more people living near each other who can support each other in being politically involved in guiding land use throughout the county.

-----------------------
Needs this addresses:

(1) Instead of paying rent to landlords who do not share our interests, we can, over the years, channel more and more of our money in ways consistent with earthcare.

(2) Instead of accumulating cash in banks and investments which may not share our interests, we can channel surpluses into earthcare landholding.

(3) We can build physical community through the landholding.

----------------------
Potential participants:

(1) People like me who have been in contraction (pardon the new-age vocab) against American culture, many who have a lot of privilege, but who have been at a loss for how to positively participate in what they have been seeing as a culture of death.

On that note, we can make it possible for war tax resisters (low income approach) to participate in the landholding.

(2) People who have been more or less OK functioning in society as it is--having careers, children, saving money, but who see participation in the landholding as a way to channel more of their life energy in a positive direction.

For example, someone in that situation may succeed in owning property and permaculturizing it. However, their effort only lasts as long as they own that property, and they remain concerned about that property's resale value. Furthermore, they are limited by various regulations from being as sustainable as they would like.

For this group, we could establish a non-non-profit land trust (high incomes may prevent the 501c3 status), but the advantages could include being more certain than they would otherwise be that the land will continue to be managed consistent with their ideals.

They could also benefit from shared equity arrangements and from participating in a community working to improve building codes/land use regs/zoning.

(3) People who want to own their own place in areas where housing prices are exorbitant given their incomes. A community land trust can be used to accept money and land (often from the city or from developers who are required to mitigate effects of other developments) and offer housing on a shared-equity basis: owners own the buildings but not the land. The difference here is, we can (I'm guessing) put certain limits on how the land is used.

In my dream-world this might include no car use by owners (and many other great things).

Some are not eager to assist in enabling more people to move to the US, which is seen as enabling the immigrants to live a more destructive lifestyle. And, I have noticed, even some low-income type community land trusts seem to be helping people live the basic American we'd-consume-three-planets-if-everyone-lived-like-this dream.

We should be able to combine the principles of the Small House Movement with permaculture with transportation activism to create urban housing in which:

(1) No cars are used for transportation. (The issue with cars is the resources--space, materials, life-energy--devoted to auto-based transport systems, and the kind of urban environments and experience that that resource use generates.)

(2) Much of the water, power, food used by the household is collected or generated on site.

(3) Little to no waste trash, water, sewage leaves the site--it is all used in resource production on site.

(4) The amount of resources used to support residents' lifeways could also be used sustainably by others around the world.

---------------------------------------------

In effect, we would be creating a small government that guides land use on the land in the land holding--a mini-government that exists within the larger government of the city, county, state, country, world.

---------------

I imagine creating a very general guiding vision at first such as:

"residents seek to live consistent with earthcare principles"

And with that create a model that could be used in more restrictive ways if that became desirable.

If ten years down the road the resource use of residents of the landholding was not much different from standard San Diego resources use circa 2007, a more restrictive guideline could be adopted.

----------------------

I titled this "_consciousnesscare_ earthholding network," because there is an element of me getting to the point of writing up this idea that goes beyond (or that comes before, or that "transcends and includes") earthcare.

You may remember that I got to meditating and considering joining monasteries earlier this year.

Some current results from that process are:

I learned that more and more people are coming to understand enlightenment along the lines of "bringing the divine into matter" or into life. This is not a view of enlightenment as a state of non-dual awareness that you sit in indefinitely. Rather, meditative states and stillness are part of the process of being able to act in the world.

In addition, finding one can be content, joyful, aware, engaged, just sitting still can lead to security and freedom: I could renounce everything, if I thought it would serve.

The lack I've been addressing in my searching has been: lack of an address of the deeper meaning in life beyond earthcare, lack of an address of treating ourselves and other _humans_ with awareness and care, and lack of an address of the nature and possibility of ongoing personal and organizational development.

While I don't want to be attached to a part of this idea that turns off people who would otherwise want to help, I am attached to having something like a focus on "consciousnesscare" somewhere in there--because that may help us care for each other as we seek to better care for the earth.

----------------------------------------------

Further reading, other influences.

Lincoln Inst.

George

George criticism

Understanding the effect of economics on land use.

FNLers:

dryland gardening. . ., soilandhealth. . .

land as lover, conscious trip generation, meditation for organizations, for social organisms

2007-11-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

[This was written on 11/29 and not posted until 12/2. Note: I did go to the SANDAG meeting.]

1052

Tn could-

You are a great man.

a great node.

Total disengagement.

1102

A conflict has been that I could go to SANDAG (San Diego Association of Governments) tomorrow morning at 9 and be of some help to Duncan McFetridge in getting speaking time before whoever it is that decides, I guess.

It seems I would rather let this go.

It is good to have had the opportunity to consider this,

and it would be good to have let it go.

Instead, I may go across the highway again.

--
1107

Julie told me about this.

. . . maybe only because I thanked her for passing on McFetridge's response to the regional transportation plan EIR.

--

In the past few days some of this has been going on:

I realized I'm not going to renounce. At least not voluntarily. And neither will many others.

I realized life is not about renunciation.

So if I will not renounce, what will I do?

I thought I might work on land trusts. I looked into that.

Trolley driving.

Then eventually got to urban planning.

And it comes to Friday: go or not.

And it comes to vision of life.

--

1113

My vision is: of larger forces, not of individuals.

My vision is: of change that is forced, of nodes that bob.

I got this node into a persona of acting on transportation concerns. Julie now encourages that.

Once she is my dream.

Now tn was unmoved.

Something else.

---

1115

My vision is all of space, none of time.

Space (time) is gradient of awareness.

--

1116

practicing dissociation

enabling engagement.

1118

I hear sound! God, I hear sound!

I see texture!

I sense, I sense having a body.

1119

Not greeting with eyes or words the walkers, I walk, focused on the sparkling, slipping water in the ditch.

For which, I am--someone--thankful to--they put it there.

1120

Comfortable with renunciation, I can wait until all falls away.

I do not go to meetings.

Nor send emails.

Nor travel with attention.

I am more and more brought back to this place, this dead end,

where the tide, aimless motivation, receded, left this node.

1122

There are places nearby,

By being in them,

I enliven them.

By being in them,

.

1123

This node. Moving in space.

Field moving around this node.

Draw occurs--"The sidewalk is over there."

The helpful driver points out.

1124

"Let's go check that out."

"Check what out?"

Still. They go by.

1125

1127

1132

We do not need to fight.

It's all good.

Everything is perfect as it is.

And incomplete.

Land trusts took me to Borsodi took me to soilandhealth took me to Wallace Wattles _How To Be A Genius or The Science of Being Great_.

1136

Breathe in the exhaust fumes from the trucks from the two strokes.

We don't need to fight.

It's all good.

Everything is perfect as it is.

And incomplete.

You are a great man.

1138

I am a god among gods.

-------------------------------

So. No trip generation.

I stay here.

Even if leaving could enable fundamental design change in San Diego County's regional transportation plan,

Reducing the trips taken by others million fold.

1140

1141

There is something else that wants care. That only I can give it.

Only I can be here.

Only I can bring awareness to where I am.

Only I can be in this space and know:

God, I can see!

I can feel.

-------------------------------------

1144

This does nothing for you.

Stop moving, You other nodes.

1145

Stop trying to make me move.

I shall be a hero like Maharshi, who let life happen to him.

Like Mellville's Bartleby.

not just like.

1146

Be in the place where you are.

Nothing needs to be done.

Everything is perfect as it is,

and incomplete.

1147

We are gods becoming god-like.

1148

The insight is:

Land as lover.

No one's caring for just this space.

For just this space--

The space where I am now.

Stop and care for her or him. For it. For full self. For awareness in that space.

that's the

enlightenement/enlivenment merge?

1150

Know the sounds.

Texture.

1152

The vision I have,

dissociated from body,

is of awareness in space.

1152

There is nothing left for me, perhaps, in the human-bounded realm.

1153

social quietism.

The social chorists--

1154

There are only vapor trails left.

-------------------------------------------------

this node

2007-11-20T15:10:00.000-08:00

Contents:
[1] god consciousness
[2] Relational Spirituality
[3] I can play.
[4] Diet
[5] Emptiness of all views
[6] This Node
[6.5] No teleological purpose; development rooted in relational insight
[7] Other posts

So, what's been happening?

Short: a binge of reading + some insight.

--------------------

Too much to write.

What's best for our body, mind?

[1] god consciousness

I don't want to let go of 'god consciousness' and related insights.

God consciousness, or looking backward all the time, came about one day in sitting, and I kept it with me through much of the following day.

It was a version of consecration. I called it in mentally with, "God are you there?" "Are you still there?"

This corresponded to a filling of attention with the full visual field--

and for some reason it felt like looking backwards. Like the eyes press to the back and see more/ see the full visual field.

--------

This faded--I thought it might--or I could say, it led to new things.

It was a (sort of--I've removed all the "sort of"s I had in here to make this more readable) filling of attention with sense awareness--In the early version: the visual field. In later versions: fill sense-awareness with physical sensation (of touch and or movement), with sound-awareness, with smell awareness.

The original thing I called god-consciousness was very clearing, I could walk along and hold mind full, maintaining contact with this presence. [I could do it now, and am touching in with it--the quality is not as clear yet, I have not sat much since Sunday].

Another way to describe it is a shift in the way of using the mind.

It was a shift, first felt in sitting, and then carried on and practiced later.

[2] Relational Spirituality

Another development was reading Barbara Langton and John Heron. I hope to have a better guide to them (or Heron mainly) here later. For now some notes.

0113 See dyadic cookbook:

Is the relationship, as we have recently been living it in terms of its current strands, authentically spacious, liberating, fulfilling and ego-transcending -- that is, creatively and transformatively participating in the interconnected community of being?

I don't find Langton or Heron easy to read. But what they have done here was once a dream of mine. If you were with someone, an intimate partner, with whom you could engage fully and creatively, what would you do? In "Cookbook of dyadic inquiry: Recipes for transfiguring relationships", Langton and Heron are open about their conscious process.

So now, writing here is preparation for asking my friend, "Is the relationship, as we have recently been living it in terms of its current strands, authentically spacious, liberating, fulfilling and ego-transcending -- that is, creatively and transformatively participating in the interconnected community of being?"

and my 92-year old grandma, "Is the relationship, as we have recently been living it in terms of its current strands, authentically spacious, liberating, fulfilling and ego-transcending -- that is, creatively and transformatively participating in the interconnected community of being?"

That will about cover things for me. . .

I think maybe instead I'll go with the supramental approach:

I was standing beside him. My head wasn’t exactly on his shoulder but where his shoulder was (I don’t know how to explain it; physically there was hardly any contact). We were standing side by side like that, gazing out through the open window, and then together, at exactly the same moment, we felt: “Now the Realization will be accomplished.”

I felt a massive descent within me, the certitude, that same certitude I had felt in my vision.

From that moment on, there was nothing to say, no words, nothing. We knew that was it.

Mirra Alfassa writing about Aurobindo Ghose, qtd. in Notebook on Evolution (PDF 1mb). Ed. Luc Venet.

Returning to the mental realm:

It takes a closeness to the divine to stay on the plane Langton and Heron describe.

Also:

relational spirituality, participatory spirituality.

For what seems to get at a core of what he has to teach:

From Chapter 7 of Sacred Science "Spiritual transformation":

Dissociative meditation both fully attends to, and disengages from any management of, the contents of the mind and their immanent life-process. But it clearly has an impact on the life-process of the contents and sets its energy in motion. To put it crudely, it sucks the energy of the life-process up into the disengaged awareness to empower it and stabilize it. It interrupts the internal development of the contents and displaces energy from their immanent unfoldment to a transcendent enhancement of sustained attention.

The complementary interior activity is to engage empathically with the life-process of the contents of consciousness, to infuse them with the light of the mind and so empower their developmental potential. This redirects the expansive tendency of consciousness and converts it into the immanent unfoldment of its contents. This disciplined and passionate engagement with the mental Many honours their divine status. It includes the interior, creative imagination of the musician, artist, scientist, social reformer and others. It leads over, of course, into the first, and externally expressive, form of spiritual transformation, which I outlined at the start of this chapter.

Let me just say this--upon only hearing of the idea "relational spirituality", I changed my life and focus. This resulted in playing a card game with a friend--something I might not have done before. And it was a lot of fun. Then I got to studying these ideas more.

This disciplined and passionate engagement with the mental Many honours their divine status. It includes the interior, creative imagination of the musician, artist, scientist, social reformer and others.

That in particular helped me respond to/ progress from:

The problem is that the supreme enlightened ( so far we can ascertain ) are not very creative, let alone dwelling on the summit of such activity. On the contrary, one might cynically observe that trademarks of vita unitiva/sahaja samadhi/baqa, judging from lives of Ramana Maharshi, legendary Bodhidharma or Suso are lethargy, apathy or asocial quietism. The fact that a few realized mystics were also powerful and charismatic writers ( Rumi, Angelus Silesius, Sri Aurobindo,..) doesn't alter the sobering truth: creativity, as we are used to understand the meaning of this word, is a specific activity of struggling human beings doomed to subject-object relational isolation. In this sense, neither God, nor the God-realized humans present epitomes of creativity.

--Arvan Harvat. "The Atman Fiasco".

Now, I moved on to this chart/list from "Spiritual Transformation" which refers to ways of using attention:

Constant witnessing, with wide-aperture attention, unmoved and unmediated, of all contents.
Constant witnessing, with focused attention, unmoved and unmediated, of a particular chosen content.
Constant creative participation, with wide-aperture attention, both unmoved and unmediated in itself, and also moved by and mediating a developmental process within the mind as a whole.
Constant creative participation, with focused attention, both unmoved and unmediated in itself, and also moved by and mediating a developmental process within some chosen content.

Heron's jargon is killer. I think I managed to get into it (1) by having the earlier question represented by the Harvat quote, and (2) by skimming "Spiritual Transformation" and seeing his critique of "dissociative consciousness". I first learned about Heron from the Kheper site--Heron had written some Wilber criticism (all the way at the bottom) which I found provoking.

This opening helped me begin to study some of Heron's other work.

His terms reMinding and reLiving have also been helpful.

1416
But beyond the card game, keeping these terms/Heron's vision in mind led me to great experience:

[3] I can play.

In the swimming pool--yesterday morning. I became entranced visually. Am I on drugs? Why is the visual field such a spectacle today?

In fact, I was on something. I had overdosed on Jerusalem Artichokes which contain indigestible inulin. I seem to be fine with Jicama, which also has inulin. But whether or not it was the sunchokes, I had intestinal distress and odd and significant gas generation.

This made me initially very slow and sensitive to my body. It helped me stay in my body.

The greatest of dance highs leave me fully in my body. This is a sort of 'god consciousness' in which the field of attention is fully filled with body sensation, proprioception.

In this case, I was in the pool so long, I got to feeling the cross-linking of my muscle fibers finally starting to loosen (my story of what's behind the feeling). In the greatest of dance highs, I just stretch these and loosen them for ever and ever--see "stretching to satiation".

In the visual realm--the sun shone in one half of the pool--

every turn I made down there faced me with a swirl of pixy bubbles trailing my feet.

I would swim close to the bottom and lose myself in the rainbow waves along the bottom and on my skin.

If I surfaced and looked around the world up there was as rich.

And at one point a song played--different from the usual oldies they have going--a cappella, beatles-ish, and long, and I was absorbed.

The sight and sound of rising bubbles too. The playing with buoyancy in the deep end, too. The plain old smooth swimming, too.

I was there a long time. On the mental realm, I was reminded of past times of great play, full body play, too--a long day of waterskiing came up.

And Heron's theory/views/example was behind my embracing/acceptance/allowing of all that.

An insight during all of this was that I was exercising no self-control. This was fully free liberation, bliss, whatever--and I did spend some time composing a title I could use here that would express some of the magnitude of what I was feeling. [so, different from pure play, my earlier play memories, there was the mental element of considering what I might say about what was happening].

So play, pure play--the mental controller was out of the way.

I have played this way in the pool before, but not for a long while.

A precursor was Sunday's sitting--there was nothing earth-shattering, but a comfort in staying there--oddly I find it related to play. Just staying there, wanting to be /relishing being choiceless [avoiding choicing?].

[4] Diet

I think I noted in an earlier entry, "I went to lift weights, and found that wasn't going to happen."

My odd eating had also led to me being plumper than I'd like.

So I decided to end the vegan trip I'd been on, and eat some cholesterol. [it's not easy with awareness of (and lack of awareness of) what's behind the flesh or dairy I'm eating. I think I got along well ok earlier because of all the grubs in the figs I ate. So, I could find a way of growing grubs for food.]

This, combined with divine focus on caring for the body by exercising/moving two times a day.

So I have been [moving two times a day], and this has been positive-- maybe more on this later.

[5] Emptiness of all views

2326

. . . "Why be so complicated?" But what I noticed most was that hardly any of the “enlightened ones” said clearly that it was all about nothing. Clearest was Nagarjuna who had said about 1000 years ago:

“Emptiness of all views is prescribed by the Buddha as the ‘way of liberation’. Incurable indeed are they who take Emptiness itself as a view. It is as if one were to ask, when told that there is nothing to give, to be given that nothing.”

A very beautiful old description of the way I go, the way of liberation.

http://www.mushin.eu/en/blog/2006/01/02/beyond-the-enlightenment-disease/

"Mushin" also relates to this.

[6] This Node

Earlier than most of what I've described above was a sort of shock about how socially constructed "I" am.

Just hearing the terms "relational spirituality", "participatory spirituality" opened me up from a narrow "dissociative" consciousness focus.

In addition, reading criticism, Geoffrey Falk, for one, J. Kripal for another, contributed to this realization:

how much what I read/experience affects the contents of my experience.

So, I saw self as node of awareness.

I walk around and sense nodes of awareness like a field of densities of charges.

Ramakrishna referred to his body as "this sheath".

If I start saying "this node", that is what happened.

If this node starts saying "this node". . .

So--we are nodes--we have not solid selves--and the fields we move in generate what we are and even how we are aware.

Like a neuron. Ed deBono's metaphors come to mind here.

--------
To speak more specifically of criticism, Geoffrey Falk is relentless, and helps one to question the whole social construction of enlightenment, zen masters, sadgurus and all the rest. He's not yet through being read by this node yet. (Some of his criticism is foolish, but I find it helpful on the whole).

------
I also took a look at Jorge Ferrer's Revisioning Transpersonal Theory which is about as readable as Heron-- and he seemed to be pointing out the social construction of the perennial philosophy-- the Ramakrishna: all paths will get you to the same place if you go far enough, and [not Ramakrishna]: some paths are 'better'/more complete--both unquestioned views that many have been holding.

I only had the briefest glimpse of what Ferrer may be addressing, but what I've taken away is a new question about an assumption I had not been questioning.

Same with Heron, with Kripal.

[6.5] No teleological purpose; development rooted in relational insight

1508 well--I think it's time to let this go. Here's two other points to consider.

. . . there is no teleological purpose in creation and there cannot be, for all is there in the Infinite: the Divine has nothing that he needs to gain or that he has not. If there is creation and manifestation, it is for the delight of creation, of manifestation, and not for any purpose. There is then no reason for an evolutionary movement with a culmination to be reached or an aim to be worked out and effectuated or a drive toward ultimate perfection ("Man and the Evolution," 827).

from Sri Aurobindo Ghose: The Dweller in the lands of Silence. William Kluback. Michael Finkenthal, ed. 2001. 13.

I prefer to think of the spiritual development of human culture as rooted in degrees of relational, moral insight and not in an evolutionary logic. Evolution as a concept seems best left to natural processes. Otherwise intellectual bids to know what evolution is up to and what is coming next culturally rapidly convert into hegemonic arrogance and attempts at social and intellectual control.

http://www.integralleadershipreview.com/archives/2005_12/2005_12_heron.html

Peace,
this node

tn also added a link to integral san diego today.

[7] Other posts

tn posted to cfn: bicyclecity (USA) and sofar vs Southern California madness continued.

tn posted "Cure carpal tunnel syndrome / RSI without surgery".

An earlier post to integral san diego: two truths may not be helpful? western mysticism meetings. Divinise This!

1736

divine self-continuity

2007-11-14T08:10:00.001-08:00

2007-11-14-0657

part of what can be done in sitting/life is:

watching for anything that makes sense of self continue.

--in some meditative states, these self-continuities are absent.

In lifting weights, there may ideally be one sense: that of lifting, focusing on muscle. All else that enters head is continuing a sense of self different from the lifting of the weights.

--
on an even more subtle level, usually while sitting, it is possible to watch for movements of attention: to a thought, to a sound, to a sight, to a feeling in the body--any movement of attention.

That may help to reach the expansive, motionless attention.

Each movement of attention, however small, seems to be a self-continuity.

-----------------------

Unless I'm in that motionless state of expansive awareness, it seems that there may always be a self-continuity.

Now, if I'm in that state of lifting weights, and if I do not have attention shifting to anything other than lifting weights, I find that a positive, peaceful state.

If, on the other hand, not a moment goes by without my attention moving to something other than lifting of weights,

i Am Not At Ease, i Am Not Focused On Lifting Weights.

--------------
0707

If in all my life I very rarely experience long periods of mind focused on one task, or of mind sitting in motionless expansive awareness,

i Am Not At Ease, At Peace.

--------------------

If we are to bring the divine into our lives, it would seem that we would move with single pointed or expansive mind from one divine focus to another.

------------

Suppose I'm divinising the body (interpreted as caring for the physical body in this case), all movement of attention would be aligned with that.

------------------

The challenge may be in determining those "divine" areas of focus. And of ordering one's life (one's attention-focusing) around them.

--------

I've heard that divine guidance can come through stillness.

0713
So I wake up this morning and had a plan to go swim, do weights, and then who knows what.

I get to moving around to get ready to go--all "self-continuities", perhaps aligned with a divine focus.

I decide to check internet--a self-continuity not aligned with divine--it could be an opening to divine--but it did not originate in silence.

That done, I take a look at paper. Again, a self-continuity not aligned with divine. It could be an opening to divine, perhaps, but it did not originate in my own silence.

-----

Now, almost ready to leave, perceiving a cycle before me: a self-continuity-- of swimming, weights, of going , coming, returning,

i Stop.

-----------------------

What are the divine continuities I can center my focus on?

I can care for this body: I can go do that exercise in the morning.

Beyond that, what do I have?

I can read about spiritual leaders--like Ramakrishna. That seems valid.

I can sit and learn about attention, practice expansive, still, motionless attention.

.
And i Can Eat To Care For The Body.

Those are several things.

I should be able to move focus between those several things endlessly (until the body dies).

care for body: exercise

care for body: eat

care for attention: still, watch attention

care for mind: read about spiritual leaders

----------------------

That seems about the bare minimum.

See, life has to be organized beyond "sit for an hour in morning and evening" or "sit as much as possible" or "join a monastery if you're serious" or "follow a guru, if you're serious."

There are things it could be good to incorporate: visits with friends, gardening, music, helping others in some way.

Visits with friends: I let happen usually randomly throughout the day.

The others have no organized incorporation in my daily cycle.

----The reason is I'm distracted by the thought of being in some other cycle?-----------

----------------------------------

So, let's practice shifting attention, maintaining attention on these areas in sequence:

care for body: exercise

care for body: eat

care for attention: still, watch attention

care for mind: read about spiritual leaders

care for ?: visit with friends

care for attention cycle:

consider ways of helping others

consider incorporating gardening in cycle, part of care for body.

-----------------------------------------------------

Those are chosen self continuities. Chosen areas of focus.

-----------------

What of considering new areas of focus?

By shutting down inputs from material sources (internet, paper, advertising), all new areas of focus come from friends, from silence, (from reading about spiritual leaders).

There still is the past tendency to wander:

- I could be walking to pacific beach.

- I could be camping out.

- I could be maintaining this cycle somewhere else.

- I could be maintaining a different cycle (different exercise, routine, location, community), there are positive changes I could make to this cycle.

- I could be living a life more helpful to others.

------------

Those are self-continuities not related to chosen areas of focus.

Here's what can be done for day-long meditation.

Follow the plan for what the areas of focus will be at a particular time.

Schedule in time for re-evaluating the cycle.

All re-evaluating can be limited to that part of the cycle. So let's review again:

----------------------------------------

Shift attention, maintain attention on these areas in sequence:

(1) care for body: exercise

(2) care for body: eat

(3) care for attention: still, watch attention

[opening to divine would/could occur here once stilling of this level of attention occurs. Or it occurs in the decisions made in an unstill state (Theory U), but is benefited, enhanced by the stilling process.

Actually, opening to divine occurs wherever there is clear, steady focus on a divine task. . .]

(4) care for mind(?): read about spiritual leaders

(5) care for ?: visit with friends

(6) care for cycle: evaluate cycle by pondering cycle improvements. This may involve writing about cycle.

-------------------------

For this initial period of this kind of organization:

Watch for areas of focus that do not fit in any of the above areas. List them, give them their own area. Some may be:

care for garden

care for shelter

care for family

[if I write an email--god forbid--where would that go? Probably "care for friends" and also "opening to divine"?]

Consider avoiding material inputs: internet, newspaper.

If not avoiding these, give them their own area of focus. . . ("read periodicals, other information sources"--for what purpose? care for collective mind?). Consider what "divine" purpose reading these could have--move them from realm of mindless self-continuity to having some divine purpose, focus.

--------------------
0748 critique of this approach:

Does it lock you in to present cycle?

No. Potentially it may make you aware of the larger attention cycling that goes on througout the day.

If changes are made to this cycle, they are made with more awareness, and, quite possibly, with more connection to divine source.

I guess all it is, really, is a labeling mechanism applied to the whole day, just as some meditators use labeling in their sitting.

0801

PLAN

Finish (6), caring for cycle, by finishing this, posting it (relates to care for our mind, mass mind, plural mind?)

It is late enough to call Mike (5).

(1) Go swim, do weights.

(2) Eat. Or (3) first.

(4).

Perhaps go out again in evening to (1) and to (5). And then 2,3 or 4 again at some point.

That's it?

--------
Additional possibilities:

--complete the archiving of carfreeuniverse.

--consider what "care for garden" could be done.

peace,
Colin

Here, for reference, is the current scheme:

Shift attention, maintain attention on these areas in sequence:

(1) care for body: exercise

(2) care for body: eat

(3) care for attention: still, watch attention

(4) care for mind(?): read about spiritual leaders

(5) care for ?: visit with friends

(6) care for cycle: evaluate cycle by pondering cycle improvements. This may involve writing about cycle.

(7) Take rest.

consecration

2007-11-10T09:14:00.000-08:00

REVIEW OF INTERVAL
I spent most of yesterday reading _sri ramakrishna and his divine play_ and popping corn, microwaving sweet potatoes and eating them, and reading stuff from internet.

In evening, I got out, walked to state, swam, did weights (!), a bit of yoga, speedbagging, treadmill, stairmaster :)> some things I've never done there before.

I had eaten a bit too much popcorn. Walked home, checked on cat. Got peanuts. Read, ate late into night.

In the evening I was reading http://www.gurusoftware.com/GuruNet/Start.htm
Linked to from the kheper site.

It appears to be entirely by Ray Posner. It is odd. He gives many examples which come from his own life (I'm guessing), but he attributes them to others. He interviews himself (I'm guessing). He has generated an enormous amount of text.

I cannot forget his using of his spiritual principles in order to locate the nearest place to buy a particular kind of candy bar!

His glowing description of an associate's (his own, I'm guessing) visit to San Diego made me !!. He is on a different plane than I.

0933 The main point, though, is this.
on this massive page
http://www.gurusoftware.com/GuruNet/KnowledgeBase/Personal/Spirituality.htm
, I found a helpful pointer that addresses my question of the previous day, "How can I live from soul?"

One pasting hodge podge doesn't really deserve another. But here's some points from that page I pasted in my notes for further examination.

Before that, though, let me--in text--, let us--in person, in soul--, give metta, devotion, loving-kindness to Ray Posner (to Aurobindo, to Alfassa, and on).

Learn from a Discussion
Our goal should not be to win a debate, but to learn from the discussion. Inner Silence, silent Will, and taking the other person's point of view are spiritual techniques that will certainly go a long way to achieving this goal.

How then do we consecrate? It is actually rather simple. Before we begin any activity -- such as reading an email or meeting with a new client -- we can pause for a moment, concentrate ourselves within until we are somewhat still, and offer that which we are about to undertake to the Higher Power.

0718
Note: there are three central spiritual methods of connecting to the Spirit are Consecration, Moving to the Depths, and Surrender. Consecration is to open to the Force before engaging in an activity. Moving to the Depths (or Concentration) is a movement away from the surface existence to a deeper existence within. In the deepest depths one discovers the Personal Evolving Soul. Surrender is to offer all one's work, one's life to the Divine Force and Intent. (It occurs generally after one has connected with the Personal Evolving Soul.) The recommended approach for the average person is to begin consecrating every act to enable magnificent results, and over time move the consciousness into the depths, which will enable better consecration. When you reach the Evolving Soul in the depths, then you can begin a life of Surrender to the Divine.]

0720
Normally, when we take up an activity, we just do it. Usually there is some thought involved, perhaps some planning, a certain will to achieve, and the physical effort to make it happen. This is the way we normally accomplish our objectives in life. However, if we choose to live a spirit-oriented existence, this approach will not suffice. In a spirit-oriented life, actions are taken not merely for our own sake, but for the Divine's sake -- fulfilling Its will, purpose, and intent. When we focus our intention to accomplishing an act for that Higher Purpose, we are in essence consecrating the act. When we do, stunning developments are likely to follow, as the act is infused with the spiritual powers of the Divine. Consecration in this way is then the central method that distinguishes a spirit-oriented existence from an ordinary one.

0722
How then do we consecrate? It is actually rather simple. Before we begin any activity -- such as reading an email or meeting with a new client -- we can pause for a moment, concentrate ourselves within until we are somewhat still, and offer that which we are about to undertake to the Higher Power. When we do so, we not only give what we are about to embark on greater purpose and meaning, but what takes place thereafter will tend to have the stamp of the Divine action upon it. The act that we have consecrated will tend to unfold better, as positive situations and circumstance unexpectedly arise; where previously problematic circumstances will begin to dissipate; and where a feeling of calm and well-being will permeate the atmosphere. In other words, by consecrating the activity, life will begin to cooperate from all quarters. It is the power of the spiritual Force in action.

0724
At a later stage, you will feel not only this sense of wonder, but begin to develop a certain desire to surrender to this Power. You will begin to see that you are making the effort at consecration not so much for your own personal achievement and success, but to fulfill the Divine purpose and intent. You will begin to feel that you are becoming an instrument through which the Divine Intention and Will can flow. At that point, you may begin to surrender you very life's purpose and existence to the Divine. Then your own individual soul purpose and the Divine purpose will begin to merge. Such spiritual experience and realization in the activities of life is perhaps the greatest joy known to Man.

0724

What Consecration Means

Consecration means REMEMBERING God before doing anything. Think of God and then speak. Think of God and then eat. That is consecrating speech or eating. To consecrate a sentence is to think of [the Divine] Mother before speaking that sentence. Some intricate problems give way and are solved. (MSS)

0725
0728
-A powerful beginning of consecration is possible only when the WILL is stronger than the urge for thought or sensation.

0731

Access the Force to Enable Our Ultimate Transformation

For those who wished to undertake the effort, Sri Aurobindo laid out a path from our current human functioning to a new evolutionary spiritual-based functioning; rooted in this new supramental consciousness aspect of the Divine, God. Instead of merely opening to the Force to bring about sudden, abundant life response, one could also open to it to totally transform our mental, vital, and physical nature into their higher counterparts.

0731

0733
Bringing the Spirit to earth is a greater spiritual goal.

0735

We must learn to rely only on the Divine Grace and to call for its help in all circumstances; then it will work out constant miracles. (The Mother)

0735

0740

Then, for those further along the path, one can practice the method of surrender to the Higher Will. With this approach one does not will for anything of one's own, or try to insure the outcome of something through an offering to a higher power. One simply and continually opens and gives one's self to the spirit, for It own sake; and the spirit moves the outer world as it seems fit. At this point one lives for the Divine purpose in life, not one's own.

0748
(Sri Aurobindo, from The Synthesis of Yoga, chapter "Self Consecration")

0752
-A man met his uncle every few years, and each time it turned contentious or tense when discussing politics and family matters. This time he decided to withdraw any expectation or negative feeling, and consecrated the event deeply. Everything went perfectly in the meeting, without any hostility, tenseness; with joy, harmony, including many positive sub life responses. Wherever we went people cooperated, places cooperated, everything was joyous, smooth, with perfect execution.

0802

MOVING TO THE DEPTHS WITHIN (CONCENTRATION)
(top)

[Note: there are three central spiritual methods of connecting to the Spirit are Consecration, Moving to the Depths, and Surrender. Consecration is to open to the Force before engaging in an activity. Moving to the Depths (or Concentration) is a movement away from the surface existence to a deeper existence within. In the deepest depths one discovers the Personal Evolving Soul. Surrender is to offer all one's work, one's life to the Divine Force and Intent. (It occurs generally after one has connected with the Personal Evolving Soul.) The recommended approach for the average person is to begin consecrating every act to enable magnificent results, and over time move the consciousness into the depths, which will enable better consecration. When you reach the Evolving Soul in the depths, then you can begin a life of Surrender to the Divine.]

0803

0806
When we center ourselves within in our daily activities we reduce the tendency to drink, take drugs, smoke, overeat, to be tense, to seek intensity, etc. What could be more immediately practical?

Living within is concentration. Opening to the Force "without" is consecration. Concentration enables better (i.e. deeper, more frequent) concentration. Results and benefits of greater consecration can energize one to live even more within and its ever-accelerating benefits, including the potential to burst through to one's personal evolving soul.

0828

Spiritual Persons Do Not Punish; They Wait for Culprit to Come Forward
If you are spiritual, you should not punish others. You should consider their shortcomings as your own. To protect their defects until they come forward on their own to change themselves is a spiritual requirement. [PS You can invoke that coming forward of the culprit through inner mean.] (MSS, with addition in brackets)

Spiritual Persons Do Not Assert
One who is spiritually inclined should not assert. (MSS)

Be Good to One Who is Evil
To be good to a person who is good to us is not difficult. To be good to a person who is evil to us is not easily possible. It may not be necessary for the outer life. However, it is necessary for inner integrity. (MSS)

Life Rewards Your Inner, Not Outer Behavior
Life rewards not your behaviour, but what you are inwardly. It is not enough you are humble in public or private, because it is only a behaviour.

Untitled
Invoke the Spirit, call in Mother, be quiet, practice Silent Will, resort to Faith, give up all reliance of capacity, things will go smoothly. (MSS)

Shade Needs Light, but Light Needs Not Shade
Shade needs light; light is not dependent on shade. Sri Aurobindo said the higher consciousness does not need the lower human consciousness, while the lower cannot exist without the higher. (MSS)

What else. Ray may have a hand in this as well:
http://www.motherservice.org/spirituality_in_life.htm

I'll be checking out a bit of Consecration Mag as well.

I consecrate this typing here.

Peace,
Colin

PLAN

Go to La Mesa, pick up tires to fix upright bike.

0945
eventually go exercise at sdsu--swim, etc.

Maybe work on catching the rat.

Read more ramakrishna.

---

Note that all the consecration stuff on Posner's site finds as its source Aurobindo's yoga. (Sri Aurobindo, from The Synthesis of Yoga, chapter "Self Consecration")

0955 I just wanted to post here. I'd like to do you a service by presenting a concise, helpful version of the principles around consecration.

I'll use these posts as a sort of notepad.

If I come up with helpful syntheses, I'll put them at "What I have to show."

INSIGHTS

1005. How is it I'm speaking of soul here, when not long ago, in sharing with Grammie what I'd learned from Goenka about what the buddha taught, I said "There's nothing like that." when she asked about soul?

peace,
Colin

divinisation of the body; the lethargy, apathy, asocial quietism of the supreme enlightened

2007-11-09T05:26:00.001-08:00

REVIEW OF INTERVAL
For a day I did not write this, and who knows how often from now on.

I posted the previous post. I don't remember what I did then. (I think I went back to sleep)

Eventually I went to the Kroc Center, swam, and then went upstairs. I was on a rowing machine for a while--one with swirling water for resistance. Then, first time in my life, I went on some of the exercise machines. I did this for an hour+ And watched the panels of tvs for a while--first time in my life. A fighting match: the contender.

Then I went out and rested on a big foam pad.

Then I left kroc center and sat in canyon/backyard/iceplant, and napped.

Then (2pm) I went by friend's house and let cat out (friend is gone).

Then I went to help Leslie pack for his display at a pacific symposium of herbalists/healers at the catamaran hotel in pacific beach.

That was a good part of the day.

I was physically weak at the beginning and needed some exercise.

I met some good people.

Then I left, let cat in, and, I think, stayed up late reading stuff, inside again.

Then. . . waking up. Ate--alot. Seemed to be recovering from some poor digestion the day before.

then, eventually, left (11am?). Picked up book from library. Walked to state. Swam. Went to ARC. Sat. After attempting to lift weights--

but was feeling low energy, and said this will not work.

Oh,

In morning, I had this question:

"How do I live from soul?"

"care for body"

That, following Arobindo's "divinisation of matter."

0541

So, I seem to be cured from the desire to write here.

The plan from here on out:

Care for body, divinise body--wherever that leads.

Maybe I'll write here for some other purpose than I have been.

If things get bad so that I find myself not liking living, I'll use this again to help me watch and see what's up.

--- I've been sedating self with popcorn--

But in a fairly harmless if mindless way.

0547

Basically, I've been becoming so wimpy, [?, maybe not]

That it's clear I'm not divinising my own matter. . .

--I've also been reading a lot more of Alan Kazlev's site, to learn more about Aurobindo and other things,

and just to escape self, life (perhaps, perhaps not).

Here's some quotes from what I read yesterday:

http://www.kheper.net/topics/Wilber/atman_fiasco.html

The problem is that the supreme enlightened ( so far we can ascertain ) are not very creative, let alone dwelling on the summit of such activity. On the contrary, one might cynically observe that trademarks of vita unitiva/sahaja samadhi/baqa, judging from lives of Ramana Maharshi, legendary Bodhidharma or Suso are lethargy, apathy or asocial quietism. The fact that a few realized mystics were also powerful and charismatic writers ( Rumi, Angelus Silesius, Sri Aurobindo,..) doesn't alter the sobering truth: creativity, as we are used to understand the meaning of this word, is a specific activity of struggling human beings doomed to subject-object relational isolation. In this sense, neither God, nor the God-realized humans present epitomes of creativity.

0902
we are matter in the process of being divinised / manifesting soul.

0942

Unfortunately, you really need the Collected Works and the Agenda to appreciate the depth of power of Mirra's teachings. The compilations that are usually presented are simple, nonthreatening aphorisms and quotes. Inspiring, sure, but no different to any other spiritual teacher. As a starting point I would suggest, at the very least, the small book Conversations, being a record of some of her early Ashram talks in 1929

0947

http://www.integralworld.net/index.html?kazlev3.html#18

“Interpretation always presupposes a spiritual communion between the interpreter and the subject he seeks to interpret. This becomes imperative when one seeks to interpret a culture, a way of thought, or a thing of the Spirit. A process of saturation, resulting in a participation mystique, must set in before the eyes are ready to see and the mind to grasp.” (Italics added for emphasis. From S. Radhakrishnan et. al., eds., The Cultural Heritage of India, Vol. 1, p. 326.)

1947
Swami Muktananda's _Play of Consciousness_;

------
0559

PLAN

no plan--

but ask, as I have occasionally been:

"How do I live from soul?"

No plan other than that.

0602. One of my sisters is getting married this weekend. I've done nothing other than this. I won't be going (it is on the east coast). FYI.

"How do I live from soul?"

peace,
Colin

sankalpas, god's will

2007-11-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

2007-11-07-0421
REVIEW OF DAY
I posted, then did stuff on net for a while. Till 940?

That was it in the computer until 3pm.

I was not sure what to do.

Set up a spot outside and just sat there.--First, eating, looking at paper.

Then, not knowing what to do, just sat.

Then, took a nap, looked at clouds.

Eventually I got to asking repeatedly, "what is god's will?"

Here's something related to that:

http://www.kheper.net/topics/gurus/eastern_gurus_in_the_west.html

Gurus and God

A few comments about Gurus and God.

Gurus coming from the Eastern (Indian) traditions always talk about God (even those who do not claim to be God). Misunderstandings can arise here though because in the word "God" is generally used by most Indian-based Guru-movements - e.g. Muktananda's Siddha Yoga, Guru Maharaji's "Divine Light Mission", Rajneesh/Osho, Sri Chimnoy, Swami Satchidananda, Sri Sri Aandamurti's "Ananda Marga", Satya Sai Baba, etc - to designate an impersonal Absolute Reality synonymous with one's inner being (Atman), rather than a supernatural Creator in the Theistic sense.

Well I thought I had an answer, eventually-- sort of by asking yes no questions:

Tomorrow (or asap): walk across highway with a respirator in a light-colored robe.

I had other answers.

--
It seems I'm not, at this point, planning to follow them--another was, "eat only what fits in pot 2x/day."

I did, however, get as far as looking into how to make the robe.

Here's one I did try, with some success [I used a sheet I got from the thrift store which I was thinking of wearing and going on alms round in La Jolla]:

I was a novice monk and had lots of trouble putting on the robes.I will try my best to help.

1.For the 'skirt',wear it like the Indian sarong.This is the easy one.

2.For the robe to wrap round the body;from the edge of the robe,fold six folds of about 15cm.

3.With the left hand holding the edge of the robe (with the folds) and the right hand holding the edge without the fold,put the robe over the shoulder.

4.The right hand then moved the robe around the neck and tuck in the robe over the left shoulder.

5.With the left hand still holding the edge with the folds,flick and reverse the robe over the left shoulder.

My description might sounds confusing,but give it a try.

Here's another:

Meanwhile, here's the monk's robe pattern.

Measure the person across the shoulders and down the arms about four inches. That's measurement A. Measure him from nape to heel. That's B.

Secure four pieces of cloth (linen or wool are good) measuring A by B. Piece 1 is the back, pieces 2 and 3 are the fronts.

Divide piece 4 in three crosswise, so that you have three pieces A x B/3. These will be the sleeves and hood.

Attach 2 and 3 to 1 at the shoulders, leaving a reasonable amount of the center of 1 unsewn to provide enough neck room (a quick basting and try-on will help here). There will be lots of overlap in the fronts.

Fold each sleeve piece to find the center; match that to the shoulder seam; sew the sleeve on. Repeat. Sew the side seams.

Take the last third of piece 4, fold it in half, seam it on one side. That's the back of the hood, and is matched to the center back. Sew the bottom edge of the hood to the neckline part of the back and as far along the fronts as it will extend. This makes a very deep hood.

Hem the edges, unless you started with wool and fulled it in the washing machine, in which case you have a very *warm* habit whose edges are felted and don't need hemming.

Use a length of thick cotton rope for a belt.

I did, also, at some point, request _Sri Ramakrishna and his divine play_ from the library--san diego public--, to have it delivered to local branch.

Not speaking to grandma ann in response to any unpositive thing she says seems to be a good thing to do. It has been far better than engaging in any way. She tries to bait, in a way [By saying untrue/derogatory things, probably assuming I will correct her/protest].

0433

So the monk's robe fun was around 4pm, and I got to cooking, eating, reading soon after that.

I got into the whole overeating, inside reading cycle again. Reeating.

But the "over" part was mostly squash and sweet potato, which is benign, somewhat, as these things go, compared to something like peanuts.

--

Part of this was a desire for a definite escape from self.

Another was boredom with routine??

Do something to mess up routine,

to totally forget self?

HERE'S A KEY:

I sat yesterday mid-morning from a desire not to wonder, not to make choices, to be choiceless, to have a quiet mind.

I read, ate, for the same reason?

When reading, eating, I don't question the activity?

It is a kind of choiceless awareness--

or unawareness--

---------

Some of the reading was very important in a certain scheme of things:

"Go into solitude and shut yourself in a cave. Peace is not there. Peace is where faith is, for faith is the root of all."

http://www.kheper.net/topics/gurus/Ramakrishna.html

1827
"Master if you had not come today, I would have concluded that you had not attained that supreme state of knowledge where praise and blame are equal, and that you could not be called a truly illumined soul."

1833
"Stop that. Why talk of sin? He who repeatedly says, 'I am a worm, I am a worm,' becomes a worm. He, who thinks, 'I am free,' becomes free. Always have that positive attitude that you are free, and no sin will cling to you."'

and

Ramakrishna Monastery in San Diego
Monastery
1440 Upas Street
San Diego, CA 92103-5129
Phone: (619) 291-9377
Email: sandiego@vedanta.org

Visitors are welcome for scheduled activities. For all other visits, please call ahead.

Vespers daily at 6:00pm
0441

Here, I managed to de-wilber (or post-wilber) myself in a way by reading this and related stuff by Kaslev (on the kheper site).

http://www.integralworld.net/index.html?kazlev2.html

2238 if you grow (or escape living) by reading Wilber,
then grow again by reading Kaslev^^.

So, I probably will update my facebook profile at some point. Thank you Kaslev.

0444

and I was also reading this on Ramana Maharshi:

jd: In a sense that is how he lived his whole life. He basically let his whole life happen.

http://davidgodman.org/rteach/jd6.shtml

In a way his whole life was a living example of total surrender to 'life taking its course'.

2347

DG: I think the key word to understanding Bhagavan's [Maharshi's] behaviour is a Sanskrit term, sankalpa, which means 'will' or 'intention'. It means the resolve to follow a particular course of action or a decision to do something. That is a sankalpa. Bhagavan has said that this is what separates the enlightened being from the unenlightened.

He said unenlightened people are always full of sankalpas, full of decisions about what they're going to do next: how they are going to plan their lives; how they are going to change their current circumstances to benefit themselves the most in the long or the short-term future.

Bhagavan maintained that the true jnani has no desire whatsoever to accomplish anything in this world. Nothing arises in him that says, 'I must do this, I must be like this'.

2347

0022
http://davidgodman.org/rteach/jd3.shtml

Bhagavan himself said he never felt that he was a Guru in a Guru-disciple relationship with anyone. His public position was that he didn't have any disciples at all because, he said, from the perspective of the Self there was no one who was different or separate from him. Being the Self and knowing that the Self alone exists, he knew that there were no unenlightened people who needed to be enlightened. He said he only ever saw enlightened people around him.

0040
Sooner or later even the dimmest of bulls will understand that, since there is a perpetual supply of tasty food in the stable, there is no point wandering around outside, because that always leads to sufferings and punishments. Even though the stable door is always open, the bull will eventually stay inside and enjoy the food that is always there. This is self-enquiry.

http://davidgodman.org/rteach/jd4.shtml

Bhagavan said that the way of restraint was the way of the yogi. Yogis try to achieve restraint by forcing the mind to be still. Self-enquiry gives the mind the option of wandering wherever it wants to, and it achieves its success by gently persuading the mind that it will always be happier staying at home.

0446

So, those were some of the highlights of last night/early this morning.

I woke--the dream was a submarine battle in which the submarines were fighting to kill each other, but it was also like a team scrimmages--we were all on the same side. I was trying to get us to stop.

And went outside to find an opossum climbing up the scaffolding. . . or running away from doing that.

--

I am practicing being nice to animals.

So imagined how scared it might be, how its heart might be beating. (it could not run all the way away, so I could go up close, and did, briefly, when these thoughts occurred, and I decided to back off.).

I don't want to do anything to it anyways.

NOW WHAT??

I don't know.

No plan.

Not even to follow god's word.

I don't want to walk across that highway--

or follow whatever that game is I was playing.

So I won't ask "what is god's will?" any more?

Oh I don't know.

2pm: help leslie, "your enchanted gardener," load up for a display he's doing downtown. He's a guy in the neighborhood with a curezone blog etc. And a sort of community house.

--

I may go swim after this and get to sitting and yoga. I don't know.

MINDFULNESS:
Much of the morning,
learning to turn sheet into monk's robe.

MINDLESSNESS:
Much of the evening.

INSIGHTS?

----------------------

What now? Seriously.

I think things would happen from getting respirator, wearing robe, walking across highway, that would at least be different from my usual routine.

All that is left, really, is to get a respirator.

Maybe I will.

It seems that I only need to walk across once or twice, not the long, repeated thing I was imagining earlier.

---

And then I'll get to meditate again on "what is god's will?"

?

I don't know.

Maharshi's story (as I was reading it--see above links) is somewhat sobering. [not referring to the part I quoted, but to how a guy who did not want/intend to be idolized was idolized.]

Peace,
Colin

Bhagavan maintained that the true jnani has no desire whatsoever to accomplish anything in this world. Nothing arises in him that says, 'I must do this, I must be like this'.

yoga before breakfast

2007-11-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

2007-11-06-0735
REVIEW OF INTERVAL/DAY

so--I wrote.

I went to check email. Checked in with god's will: only check email--no posting of blog entry.

Returned and read Sri Aurobindo.

Then read more _Sri Ramakrishna and his divine play_.

(the book had been returned to its place by then)

about 5pm or so, walked to grandma ann's house.

Stopped by friend's house on way--she is gone for week--ate two dried fig (shells) I'd given her--mindlessly--and apologized.

Visited fig tree.

Came in house. Met grandma ann.

Ate a cup of soup she'd saved.

Began cooking dinner.

[had low, sort of loneliness feeling around this time--what am I doing? friends? love?]

Eventually read papers, ate.

Brushed teeth.

Lights out 830 or so.

Up at 450. Trimmed facial hair, brushed teeth.

began 7 laws yoga.

finished 7 laws yoga.

began cooking breakfast and writing this.

MINDFULNESS, MINDLESSNESS

Most mindlessness was reading newspaper during evening.

MINDFULNESS

I did not overeat yesterday evening.

I ate figs more mindfully than I have before.

I did yoga before eating.

This was the great thing of yesterday.

I did yoga first.

0746 right now--

I'm dealing with G. Ann having awakened and feeding cat.-- She makes noises, talks to cat.

I find these disturbing.

-------------
The accomplishment this morning was deciding to stay here, do sitting and yoga here-- not leave.

This meant I had to deal with morning sounds of neighbor (not bad this am), of apartment people leaving, and so on.

---

It meant I had to deal with distraction, or the environment here--

--
The cat I find annoying too, and had to be with my feelings about that. . . It tries to get stepped on, and at the worst of my bad moments I feel like giving it a kick.

I've decided that the thing to do is to not feel annoyance or malice--

To walk as I would walk and If I step on cat do so with out any feeling of ill will--as if I had not stepped on cat or was annoyed by cat.

Cat generally knows not to be in my path, but it likes to play it close.

If doors are closed, it bangs on them wanting to go in or out.

In colder weather, when it is nice to keep doors closed, this is tougher.

---

I made it through--

I sat for 35 min or so.

Not too special except for location and time of day.

---

This means I may have built in a healthy way to stay here in mornings--which gives me another option--in addition to leaving.

INSIGHTS--

None really beyond what mentioned yesterday.

Just that reading Aurobindo may not help me much--

PLAN

Post this, post yesterday's post. - - It is sort of nice to be behind on posting. Why post or not post?

In posting I do usually go over what I wrote at least once--this helps close the thinking/review for that interval/day.

No plan beyond that.

Maybe go back to school and read more _. . . divine play_.

Maybe try to do something about the rat in the garden.

Eat breakfast. Probably look at paper.

Maybe read. Change clothes.

No grand plan.

Am I caring for our body, mind, ground?

peace,
Colin
0759

dynamic mantra generation, gratitude

2007-11-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

[posted on 2007-11-06-0800]
07-11-5 11:45
REVIEW OF DAY
Yesterday, a lifetime ago.--After sitting, I wrote in the warm classroom.

Leaving there around noon, I went to swim.

Leaving pool around 110pm, began 7laws yoga in gym, but did not finish beyond the mantras--

Oh- on way to pool I watched SDSU women's volleyball team playing in gym.

I was moved to tears watching the coordination, complexity of what both teams were doing.

I had never seen volleyball like that.

Now that I think--it is like the rugby practicers I see on the field near the pool--

Part of the vball excitement is that , perhaps, when both teams are so good, the ball just keeps going, it doesn't stop. Watching is one long moment of single-pointed mind, with a release when the ball does hit the ground.

Now why I cry-- and not go into samadhi like Ramakrishna. . .

Even so, I did not stay long.

After terminating yoga early--

checking in with what was next--

felt it was time to create--, so could upload pics or make some changes to blog.

That's my creative feeling, I guess.

On the way I picked natal plums to eat, thinking that would be enough. But then went to eat some (alot) of leftover beans I'd saved.

That, at least, did me till this morning--and while it did not not fit in stomach, it did cause dis-ease.

I went to upload photos--my fiddling the day before helped mind find a possible way to do it here--and it worked.

So I updated the garden blog and this one.

I changed the name of this blog from already enlightened to j9k.

I posted to the food not lawns list about my garden photos.

This took till 530 or so.

Then I went outside.

Then I went to read more _Sri Ramakrishna's Divine Play_, and did this till 9pm.

[Before that though, I ordered two tires and 1 tube from performancebike.com-- $26 or so. . .
But a lot of computer fiddling.

This will let me ride an upright bike I found more. I am more likely to ride that than my recumbent for short trips.]

Then I walked across highway and found a place to sleep.

I was up at 445 or so. Did see 3 coyotes in the night.

Then I went to a playground near an elementary school and did the whole 7laws yoga.

Law of the day is giving and receiving.

Maintain breath awareness.

Cultivate gratitude.

Recognize needs.

I sat-- not optimistic, but I stayed and stayed. Deepened practice.

Then walked by school as parents and students were arriving--8am.

Then to windmill farms grocery to get flax seeds, sunflower seeds, mushrooms, and that was mostly it.

[they need to create pedestrian access to parking lot along the west entrance to lot--no sidewalk or pedestrian stripes. I walk in road. While leaving, car came close. Felt anger.]

I sat nearby and ate.

I read vision magazine and lightline mag [the light connection] as well.

I checked in with god to see if it was god's will that I keep eating.

For a while I went against god's will, but, ultimately, ate much slower and more aware than usual,

and I still have at least half of the sunflower seeds I bought left--though I expected when I bought them I would eat them all.

Even though I repeatedly wanted to eat more later on, I did not.

Now, it is clear, even so, I did eat a bit too much.

This is how it works:

I eat, and get on [stuck on] that feeling.

Then I tend to like the re-eating feeling-- which, generally, means I ate too much.

Eventually the re-eating feeling is no longer desired, and is disruptive, so I either spit out the excess food when it comes up, perhaps saving it for later use in different ways.

Or I have to keep reswallowing it.

The food coming up/ being reswallowed is where dental/gum health is hurt.

--So that's the full story, or at least the most of it I've gotten out in one place.

12:11
So, I was reading, not eating any more--it was not god's will--

it was not really god's will that I read, but I was.

Whiffs of cigarette smoke got me to be on my way across the highway.

I came here, and finished reading the lightline.

It's "The Light Connection."

Now, there were many good things to read in these magazines, which once I wrote off as not my thing/too new agey.

I also found that someone has got the Sri Ramakrishna book--

!!!!

Aurobindo is still here. I bet Yogananda is too.

MINDFULNESS, MINDLESSNESS

Mindless moments--eating the beans for lunch.

Mindful: eating the sunflower seeds for breakfast, and continuing to check in to see if it was god's will to eat more.

And other moments.

INSIGHTS

--12:20
During meditation I got to revising:

this is not? My background quality-->

Am I aware of ground?--

Thought of doing something like that for "An ethics that works"--

But then I quit that-- it was messing in thought-- and not sitting. . . Not being aware of ground or the gap or whatever it is I'm getting at.

--

I was doing well getting into the gap--

and liking it.

Then came up with a new game--

"Dynamic Mantra Generation"

When the gap is broken--, when thought, image, sensation draws attention--

use that as mantra until I realize attention has shifted again-- then use new focus as mantra. . .

I tried to play just now. . .

But got into a sort of no thought focus, and when did notice sensation, did not want to make that my mantra--

Another thing came up that I wrote down:

In a book at the local public library here which I found while browsing on one of those days long ago when I first started writing here, I believe,

_The book of highs_

I think is the title,

There are some memorable "highs" listed.

One had to do with "reciting the gettysburg address backwards while singing 'america', while counting backwards by twos from 100, all silently,"

Something along those lines--

As I was skimming, and reading the instructions alone had already overloaded my mind, I quickly left it.

But remembering it later has got me thinking of /wondering how much the mind could have going on at once. . .

Feynman and friends (the physicist) also played some games like this--

one trick they used was to visualize a tickertape with the numbers going by while also working on other mental tasks.

---

"This is our ground.
Am I aware of our ground?"

--

INSIGHTS (starting again)

[adding another here:
small breaks in morality do come back in meditation: a lie to grandma did come back. Instead of answering with the truth, though, for which she would harangue, may just not answer. She harangued me anyway--not believing or that being her intermediate goal--her real goal probably being to have meaningful communication with someone.

I spent a nickel to buy two brazil nuts today--from bulk--in order to keep up the small morality end of things. I first thought that foolish and was planning not to pay for those two. I respect that others can steal from corporations and feel that's ethical--but unless for me it came from soul, it will give mind one other thing to briefly distract me from soul with.]

The "asking if it is god's will" thing came from reading Ramakrishna last night.

In one story, a playwright/actor devotee [Girish] was getting instruction, but he was not committing to each progressively less demanding instruction Ramakrishna was giving.

This guy was so wrapped up in worldly attachments he feared making any commitment--and did not want to make a commitment he would break to RK.

RK then said, "Well, then, give me your power of attorney."

In effect: don't worry about a thing--give me complete responsibility for you.

The devotee, so so relieved, did this.

But as a result, he ended up thinking of RK in his every action--

"Is what I do now in RK's will?" and so on.

---

Another happening-- in reading vision mag--& the light connection--

and considering the 7laws law of the day, giving and receiving--

it was odd how (or natural) how tailored my reading should seem to that law. . .

First I focused on food-related stuff-- by writer(s) I met through Food Not Lawns--

Jennifer Jo wrote about:

One World, everybody eats

a restaurant/cafe now operating via gift economy.

--somewhere in there, too, I read about a black woman who moved from forgiveness and acceptance to:

gratitude every day, every hour--leaving no room for anything else except love--

and that was why people thought she was 70, not 92.

Remember one of the activating principles of the day--Cultivate Gratitude.

And I practiced this while walking back across the highway--an easy time not to be feeling love. (making self older in the result)

A new urban-buddhist discipline:

Walking meditation back and forth across the highway overpass, stopping to wait for and to cross with the traffic signals at the ends. . .

Forced humility in face of the cars--

and accept it all--and the breathing of exhaust--and the sound of cars, trucks revving--

--Wow--

Not anything I would want to do though.--doubt it is god's will--not caring for the walkers' individual bodies at least. . . [unless they wore respirators?--imagine monks in robes wearing respirators walking back and forth across the overpass, stopping at the traffic signals, then crossing, then turning around, going back]

--

So I practiced feeling gratitude--

that I could walk--

that there was so much material wealth around--

(don't know that I mustered much more)

12:48

Now, writing here is getting a bit drawn out--

long to write--and if anyone reads this--I imagine a bit tedious for them--

But that gratitude practice,

and that "If god wills it" approach to eating,

are examples of what gets reinforced/cemented by taking the time to stop, to reflect back like this.

--
I would have let the bicycle tire buying and related computer fiddling slip if it weren't for this.

Also, I believe Steiner in _Knowledge of Higher Worlds and Its Attainment_ recommends reflection like this-- to develop independence and freedom of thought, perhaps.

--

Now I'll just list things from the vision mag and the light connection reading that maybe someday I'll follow up if I'm in a seeking mood.

Westernmysticism.org

vishwananda.us
optimumhealth.org
animacenter.org
peace pies - in San Diego or try google

_Bragg healthy Lifestyle_ book

snowgoose.org

ecocreation.us

theunitycenter.net
Michael Bernard Beckwith

snatamkaur.com (she's a typical example of what would make me put down these mags--my bias against a white-turbaned, jeweled, blissed-out looking white woman, selling concert tickets-- a peace concert, but now--I take the time to take a closer look--that, and she's at USD--one of the venues--and she had great things to say in an interview, included in the mag, and the concert is part of the "Department of Peace" effort--supported by steve hays--the light line publisher, and Jennifer Jo)

albrite.com-- re gum health-- probably not a help--was an ad-- but I made a note. Water piks I value, but one I got recently clogged , and an older one ,that I use, spurts water at me from the hose.

Russphelps.com - one of the writers

onenessmovement.org

deekshagrace.com

--

So this here encourages a bit of babble.

Web browsing.

--if ask and god wills it.

Am I
caring for our body, mind, ground?

13:02

PLAN

Will return to grandma ann's house this afternoon. Cook something, I bet.

I got a bunch of brussel sprouts. . .

Will read a bit.

May post this--may get on inet to see something about tire order.

---

May try to get _SRK's divine play_ so I could check it out and not miss it.

Will I weights, swim?

--

INTENTION

Now focusing on small, base virtue of learning to eat mindfully, amounts that will stay in stomach.

This is aided by sitting and by doing the 7 laws yoga--

And by cultivating that connection with a different level of joy, being focus--

represented by ramakrishna's samadhi,
by Aurobindo's Soul.

Rather than the focus on the sense joy of a full stomach and on the pleasure of chewing, swallowing.

Succeeding there reduced the disruption, limitation overeating has been giving me.

Succeeding means more freedom of thought and attention,

more "transparency to the divine"

More guiding from "soul"

---

Practicing constant gratitude--

protects me--

---

All this can enable larger virtue.

13:12

what that would be?

peace,
Colin

Ramakrishna, MEChA, Sergio

2007-11-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

07-11-4 9:32

buenos días

REVIEW OF DAY
Woke, posted, sent an email--not what I drafted here. Short--something along the lines of

[reporting emails like this seems to show no love. But I leave it here. Maybe because love is not this analytical?]

"I'm challenged by your love, freedom, and enthusiasm.

I'd like to keep in touch --beyond the dream/psychic realm-- let me know if you have ideas how to do this-

If you'd like the challenge you gave me of trying to say who you are, go ahead--

peace,
Colin"

That was the essence.

[an insight in writing that was to just appreciate.]

Then I went to borrow friend's camera.

I ate breakfast--1cu brown rice cooked.

Then was overcome by tiredness and rested-- this was due partly to overloading with peanuts.

Ate some lentils.

I got moving again and got to taking the pictures of garden and other things.

Got ready to go--prepared not to return till Monday in case I wanted to stay away.

Left--at friend's at 1230 or so- returned camera-said goodbye--she's gone for a week.

To campus--planted jerusalem artichoke on way.

Not 100% sure what to do--but went to library to read more Aurobindo.

Before that, went to try to do a mass upload of photos--no luck--. 1+ hours spent computer fiddling.

Began with Aurobindo.

Napped.

Read books on Sri Ramakrishna.

530pm: swam.

610 or so: began yoga/ sitting.

Did mixed/odd routine. Switched to arc dance room.

Ballet, Sergio.

8:30 or so, left.

Found place to sleep.

2am-awakened by sprinklers. (got wet--I had thought this might happen).

Sat it out, but they came on again, so I moved.

Much time just resting and being where I was. . . with whatever sensations were there.

Woke at 615 (clock turned back, mine said 715)--

Went to head across highway--but found food before then--

leftovers from a conference the day before.

Ate a lot of refried beans, salsa verde, a few greasy tortillas with beef (?) rolled inside.

Did eat too much, but was watching. And did end up spitting out some excess.

Not sure what to do next.

Came here (warm classroom) to sit.

800-915 sat.

Read something I picked up on the conference:

37th Annual High School Conference by the M.E.Ch.A. de SDSU.

It is very good, very activist, provoking. I'm glad to have come across this folder that was left out--with the program.

"More money for books and education
not war and occupation.

Books are our bullets."

9:51
MINDLESSNESS, MINDFULNESS

The peanut binge did get to me--not horribly--but in many ways just on edge of being more ugly--a sort of metabolic shock (the a.m. tiredness), a beginning of acid stomach, later in afternoon.

No other significant mindlessness, till finding the leftover food in the morning.

While eating, and later during sitting, I considered the mindless eating more.

Looking around to find a way to upload garden photos verged on Internet mindlessness.

I was working on checking in on:
Am I caring for our body, our mind, our background quality, while doing that, though, so it didn't go too far.

MINDFULNESS

Taking photos created a sort of mindfulness--it makes me look at least once a month at places and in ways I do not usually look.

Reading Aurobindo:
"The Evolution of the Spiritual Man" chapter in _The Life Divine_--is addressing the kind of question I have now--

What is the difference between the mental and the spiritual.

I only read a little, and slowly, and it felt rich.

the Kheper site pointed me to the last 4 chapters of this massive tome. Thank you.

Then I got to napping.

Woke, then looked at Ramakrishna books.

I had picked them up thinking "Ramana Maharshi"--but this was not that--

I got to reading _Sri Ramakrishna and his divine play_ (2003--the English translation-- vedantastl.org, Swami Chetananda, Translator).

.Yes.

In a picture of him in his trance state (what is the word they use?), I saw what I knew once.

I know that, you.

I love reading his story. I want to go read more when library opens.

10:16

This was new behavior:

I managed to check in with body--am I caring for our body?

And put down the book, and jogged over to the pool before it closed.

Previously--all seeker--I would have carried book to 24 hour room and stayed there reading.

Aurobindo, Adi Da, and Ramakrishna, and sitting--

all helped me to stop the mental seeking in the reading of that book--

and to return to the body needing care.

---

When I sat or swam or at some point later I got to consider my mindlessness with respect to food quantities and to eating.

10:22

What I saw:

If I were more connected to what Ramakrishna's photo showed me--

I would be tuned into that--not to the less helpful feeling of a full stomach or of enjoying chewing, eating.

I could still enjoy the eating--
but I would first be tuned into that joy state--

And, like I said before, I wouldn't want to sabotage access to that state by effects of eating too much.

---

I think a new stage or step for me would be to stop eating "early"

And if there were cooked leftovers around--to not be distracted by them.

Well, I'll be watching this more.

The eating, for the most part, only in morning and evening is working well for me and my teeth.

This morning I did eat too much too quickly--but not as much or as fast as at earlier times.

--

I am noticing that there is a thinking going on:

I won't always be able to eat all the fresh figs, so why not do so now?

I won't always be able to eat all these leftover beans and green salsa, why not do so now?

--

The focus there is on the pleasure of eating and of a full stomach, not on the kind of state Ramakrishna's picture represents to me.

-----
10:35

Another occurrence was Sergio, a janitor at the ARC (aztec rec ctr), being very enthusiastic and encouraging about my yoga practice/meditating/ Spanish efforts.

He ended by saying "You are my teacher now."

I see what he is saying--

I see how others [and how he--how everyone--"everyone is a guru, only some realize that"] do that for me.

I see how by what I do I can have that effect on others who are less openly loving, enthusiastic than Sergio, than the woman who I called earlier this week.

And others share similar feelings--like Hale.

What is a bit new is how to respond or not. Well, earlier this week the question was how [and whether] to respond by email. Now how to respond in person.

Eventually I had to just be silent, and smile and share the lotus palms--

And people get that gesture, silent, positive, caring (?).

---

I've noticed though, after reading about Ramakrishna--

it's hard not to wonder what he would do--

--

This morning, sitting, I got to a sort of devotion on him--

And I can see how that may be another path,

But maybe not the one to the kind of thing I noticed--was it Wednesday?

---

There is an element though--obvious to me, to you--where I have a lot of polishing to do--

or major remodeling--

all this is evidence--

It seems to be organic--growing, or like learning to dance--using construction metaphors is not so good.

You grow, get into new situations, must learn new approaches to those new situations.

In Ramakrishna, you can see how his life (or whatever) channelled him so he is eons beyond where I may be in relating to others lovingly, positively.

---

That, though, is where I am excited--

If I can show I can transform--

odd as I am,

there are others who can see by my example that they can too.

---

10:50

I got a bit hung up in my sitting last night on wanting to change the name of the blog where I've been posting these.

It seems that at some point the blog may have to go--due to how attached my mind is to it.

But, as I study more in the yoga/ hindu/vedantic tradition,

and am no longer just a reaction to Wilber / Cohen--

"Already Enlightened" doesn't express what I like.

It seems I will need a name that does not refer to anything but itself--

So maybe I'll make the name J9k.

In the intro put:

"j9k is short and easy to type and refers only to this."

Sounds good.

PLAN

Read more about Ramakrishna, more by Sri Aurobindo.

Swim, yoga, weights.

Maybe I'll get across the highway tonight.

It is interesting to me that I'm making that such a barrier to myself.

But--I was so sensitive last night--after yoga, sitting, --

Even the few cars driving by--especially when one had to wait for me crossing an intersection--

Well, I don't know.

"Wow--what tension. And that is always there at times like this--"

--

my sitting, except for Friday's, has not been approaching that of Wednesday. But the point, some say, is just to be there with whatever is there.

Maybe if I did not get to reading Ramakrishna the sitting would be more pure.

Aurobindo seems to keep me on it.

(on this spirit/soul/background quality--what is beyond mind--when the chain of sensations, thoughts, ceases, gaps)

But reading Ramakrishna, at least yesterday, was so wonderful--

There are different qualities having different effects here--

INSIGHTS
see above

11:06

an ethics that works (?)

2007-11-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

2007-11-03-0644
REVIEW OF DAY
After posting, got ready to go--for entire weekend. This took a while, and went to visit fig tree, then returned.

Visited friend. A lotus for you a buddha to be (TNH).

Went to pool at State. Swam .5 hour.

Sat. (130-330?).

Yoga.

Weights. Met Hale.

Got 4oz sunflower seeds on way here. Went by friend's place 3x. . . knocked 2x, not coming out.

Back here. Ben, friend coming for dinner. Cooked. Got ready for them.

812 or so they are here.

920 or so gone. I ate what was left. Waited a while. Went out to get peanuts- 1.5lb in shell. $2.50. Ate those, read _Cien años de soledad_.

Done around 1230? Sleep. Now here.

MINDLESSNESS

The eating was mindless primarily to the extent of quantities.

I was aware while eating, more than before.

But in both cases, leftovers, peanuts, keep eating until none left (there were 3 peanuts in shell I forgot--have not eaten those--).

In this situation the amounts were not killer, meaning it's staying down, I'm not hurting teeth (so far) due to stuff coming back up.

That's good. Teeth, gums, have improved very much since I began always teeth brushing and having defined end to eating 2x/day (lapse/exception: occasional fruit tree visit).

So--with that mindlessness--I control quantity by limiting what I buy of the foods I tend to really want to eat.

The peanuts, not especially good, but I decided I did really have a desire for that much fat or something. . . I had tried to stem it with the sunflower seeds, but it was not going away, so decided it was best to do. There was not a lot of mindlessness in that.

--
Stopping by friend's house repeatedly might have been mindless?

Agreeing to friend coming for dinner? I wanted to, it was new.

Dreaming? In my last dream I woke after shouting in anger at my Grandma: "Alright, snow white, go back in there and don't come out until you can say something positive!"

Definitely a valid expression of why I avoid her.

Also: getting on Inet before this?

Even with the mindlessness, I'm more aware than before, see below.

MINDFULNESS

Greatest quality during afternoon sitting, and during weights, yoga afterward.

INSIGHTS

This is a biggie.

I'm wanting to quit this and go see friend. . .

0703
I'll copy here some notes I made afterward, this may be fine for now.

This is not my body
This is not my mind
This is not my spirit

this is _our_ body
this is _our_ mind
this is our spirit.

Bodhi Svha, Friday 1528 2 November

This is not my body.
Am I caring for our body?

This is not my mind.
Am I caring for our mind?

by what I am doing now,
am I caring for our mind?

This is not my background quality--

This is our body
This is our mind
This is our background quality

Am I caring for our background quality?

0707

I found this very helpful. Very helpful.

I can check in with this very often.

It, yesterday at least, had the effect of shutting down mind running, endless mind running, and getting me to focus on body, and

while focusing on body, to care for the mind, for the background quality (the most useful referent of "Spirit" I found).

---

Analysis, some interpretation:

Letting the mind endlessly run is similar to a food binge/ other mindless action.

What I did two days ago--responding to that new friend's email, or even sitting all afternoon, mind running. . . not lifting weights, not doing yoga--

Is similar to those binges-- it is like a mind binge.

But if--as with the body, this is not my body, and food--

I say, this is not my mind, by what I am doing now, am I caring for my mind?

I can see I'm not caring for our mind by thinking thoughts like that.

And, it seems, I can feel or at least conceive of the larger mind in which all our thoughts, verbal expressions are arising, passing away--

I can take responsibility for my participation in that larger mind.

I may try to write my new friend an email response now--

[],
Thank you so much for sharing your appreciation. I would like to learn more about you. Do tell me who you are--!

(That is a great service you did me. If you want particular questions to help start you let me know. How old are you? (Doesn't have to be true). What is your job?)

Peace,
Colin

---------------------------

That is the caring for our mind. In our mind--

Well, I got to editing that little bit, making it shorter--

In our mind, I think that is what wants to happen.

I don't focus on how (small) i feel about what she wrote. I don't focus on my reactions, my associations--my mind running, basically.

0731
I just added the parentheses part.

0732
Now, what is _not_ caring four our mind is, at some level, writing about this here.

I expect she may see I've written about my cluelessness here.

I don't expect a response at all.

--Just this:

Here, for all of our minds-- for our mind, is a record of this so we can learn.

--Just this:

I will be in this situation again and again-- and variants--

in this one, I shut down--binged-- and learned--

Maybe I can actually, in my responses, make the world a sunnier more hopeful place--

Not one where people are unable to interact. And shut down, like I did.

------
This is not my mind. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our mind?

This is not my body. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our body?

This is (not?) my background quality. By what I am doing now, am I caring for, am I aware of background quality?

-----
What I learned from studying Holacracy -- their "Decision-making by integrative (or iterative?) emergence -- their recorded meetings and conference calls-- helped me get to this place--

helped me to understand the transcending of personal concerns in order to make decisions based in a higher level of consciousness.

0739
Peace,
Colin

0743

now attempting considering writing that response.

Should I just leave it. I seem to have dissociated any personal feeling-- "I" don't want to learn more about her. Which I?

Am I caring for our mind by not sending a response?

--

I am. I just need to admit that I am weak. The thought of her replying and me needing to figure this out again seems worse than the thought of something being lost by not replying.

--

I know the emails Frank sends me do me good.

I guess she may be younger than I.

--
Am I caring for our mind / body / background quality by writing here?

not sure what's up; email, a "how to communicate while focused on divine?" hangup

2007-11-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

2007-11-02-0707

REVIEW OF DAY

After posting--around 8am, spent almost two hours writing an email in response to an email the person I'd called Wednesday had sent.

Decided to hold off sending it for a day.

Looked at paper.

Left, went to fig tree. Ate more than enough. Sat nearby briefly. Walked to state, was there by 1245.

Stopped by friend's house on way, visited her cat, wrote on pumpkin.

Found place to sit by 1pm. Did that till 730 or so.

Walked home--friend was not there. Looked for seeds in store--sunflower, peanut. Walked back to friend's house--she was there.

I was unaware that by that time it was almost 9pm? I begged four almonds from her. We talked about dental issues. Got some old pumpkin innards from her.

Went home, ate some of grandma's soup. Set my pot cooking. Roasted pumpkin seeds in microwave.

By 10 was eating?

Brought computer out here. Still distracted about responding to email. Decided to respond with simply a facebook invitation.

But got to messing with blog presentation.

And other fiddling related to it.

Then layout got messed up and no longer displays correctly.

guess I have to live with this?

finished "internet fucking" around 1 am. Brushed teeth. Slept.

Up at 630? Looked at paper. Now I'm here.

0802 was just messing with blog layout again. Added an intro link, an intro post, a "what I have to show" post.

The negativity about all this isn't positive.

But, generally, this internet work is a kind of mindless activity--not feeling enlightened.

---
So, what happened yesterday was that my mind ran and ran, and I sat with it, engaged with it, took notes.

I thought about how to deal with people emailing or calling.

I got over that. Eventually considered if I were a "shower," a guru of some kind, how would that work.

Another element in this time was that I found a good space to be indoors and at peace.

I let mind run on what to title this--"hvn"--when I was relishing the space.

---
When you sit for 6 hours in a dark room, and only leave because someone comes to use the space. . .

This is an odd thing.

I think it is possible because I got a view of where I may be headed the day before.

But I need to consider broader implications of this kind of sitting.

Another element was that I ate too many figs, guavas.

Today the problems of this were more apparent than ever.

Every physical distraction--reguritating, reswallowing what I ate too much of, for example--

prevents moving into that realm beyond mind.

So now I seem to have a higher incentive to control that eating issue.

Though I doubt there will be that many figs to eat again until next year.

Another major major distraction was an email I wrote but did not send. It is below, at very end, since this is supposed to be a record of all, problems as well as good functioning.

Ultimately I resolved my inability to respond by email by sending her a facebook invitation.

This email cunundrum spun me into renunciation mode: no internet, no paper, no posting -- I was considering that.

It was too noisy in here. (meaning in the mind).

Well, as long as I don't get emails. . . I think I can be ok. [They, and she, brought a kind of joy. . . but it is a distracting joy(?) something misleading? or is it true communion? what am I missing?]

So on the intro page there may eventually be a request not to call, not to email, and some info about why.

POINTS FOR IMPROVEMENT

Did not exercise body, except for walking.

No need to eat too much--but now have incentive, it appears, not to--I know what I miss by having the bad effects of overeating (previously, I enjoyed these effects).

Management of Internet use.

Unsure how to interact with others.

TO DO

I got to thinking I have something to show others.

But am I mad? Who could do what I'm doing?

What are the positive aspects of sitting motionless all day?

At any rate, there is opportunity for self evaluation here.

Is what I'm doing moral? Am I neglecting responsibilities? Escaping into this?

PLAN

Post this. I do not plan to renounce posting here yet--but if nothing here for a while, that is what happened. I will still be writing, I think, but will save posts and add them once a week.

Exercise of some kind.

Get back to sitting--in the same spot?

Get some different food.

Note: I am outside writing this. This is an improvement. I'm still not really present. . . But I see birds and plants and sky and other things. . . I feel more living more alive than when I am inside.

MINDLESSNESS, MINDFULNESS

see above.

INSIGHTS

Potentially many. But will let them sit and see what seems to stay, what continues to seem valuable.

Really, I seem to just want to get back to that space where I am watching, listening.

I don't understand what's happening here. Or its relation with writing here.

-----------

The overwraught communication. This is nothing new. Here it is documented. I should eventually be able to resolve this. Or find some way of preventing the mind-obsessing that thinking I need to contact someone causes in me.

I think human relationships are some of the most valuable parts of life. . .

But why do I find such value in my solitary trip?

Why do I honestly believe that I can do far more by sitting by my self than by communicating with others?

Something on the lines of: she is in me, I am in her; two clueless people do not more clues make,

And maybe there is a whole other plane--that we do not get to with each other by writing emails, talking on the video phone,

or even by communicating in person--

Without a careful structuring and intentioning of the experience.

That sounds like an opposite of the detached, easy, natural stereotypical way of the enlightened person. . . but: No stereotypes. Pay attention to source, act from that. [check with others who are on a similar trip to attempt to avoid going off a deep end--or is going off the deep end what needs to happen? (Trungpa: Jump)]

0830--before that:
ATTACHMENTS

Letting the mind run, engaging the running mind, sitting in dark, empty silent rooms for hours. See above.

THE UNSENT RESPONSE
--------------
Thanks so much,

What is your job?

It was odd for me to say there would be philosophical differences with bicycle city.
If you don't announce it to
https://lists.riseup.net/www/arc/carfree_network
(http://www.worldcarfree.net/listservs/ )

I probably will eventually.

it's not even in the greenpages!
http://www.worldcarfree.net/greenpages/?region[]=Ohio&searchnow=1

That's all,

I'm not sure there is a good way (for me) for far off people to keep in touch. Part of what I've been doing, and liking, is not communicating often by phone or email, except to arrange meeting in person, usually.

[Ah, the way I've been suggesting is that we just think/dream of the the far off person, and trust that that has effect. This was sort of Rudolph Steiner "Higher Worlds"-inspired.]

But I have used facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=24603807

Another good friend of mine Frank Cook, http://www.plantsandhealers.com/, manages to send short emails asking how I'm doing. I like that, but have thought I couldn't do the same.

--

I liked how you asked who I was and I either got it wrong or couldn't really answer well.

Ramana Maharshi, I think, teaches the method of asking yourself repeatedly "Who am I?" I never got anywhere with that until yesterday.

Here's one other thing:

The exclamation points! I'm using your email as a bit of a Rorschach.

If I write with them, they really cost me. I guess it is when I think I might use them, I'm putting on a happy mask. I'm not unhappy, but were I to use them, I'd be writing more energy than I want to actually be behind. Something like that.

So when I see your emails, I definitely feel a wow. Wondering what it must be like to be able to write like that.

Somehow, what this woman (and other women) is doing seems similar:
http://crazysexycancer.blogspot.com/

The other connection I make is with Chogyam Trungpa's "Warrior of Perky"--meaning a quality of energy his warrior or brave person manifests.

I guess I avoid the exclamations because I want more peace, more control (those may be contradictory) rather than to express enthusiastic love.

In person, with full access to others' expressive response, I don't always step back so much.

Peace,
Colin

Ah- I see you did mention Bicycle City in your first email.

This email is a great example of why I avoid email!

After speaking with you, I considered the value of saying less and of being silent more. There is such a temptation to go into a sort of brain-dump mode. Which doesn't feel like communication.

At least we got the silence/doing nothing part.

Next time: I'll ring a bell (if available) and pause for three breaths (following Thich Nhat Hanh), and the beginning, middle, and end of the conversation. How about that?

I have been tending to practice non-curiosity and lowering the eyes before people until they show up repeatedly in person in life. That is one reason I did not ask any questions. There is also the sense of being sought out and interviewed which was new.

Ken Wilber has explained that there is still a very real contact here, that all communication is mediated.

This I suppose is a question of balance. If I spend all my time communicating with people via computer and not with others in person, that is imbalance.

And perhaps so would be ignoring computer/ phone communication entirely.

Thinking ahead,there is the video phone technology too.

(All this is laid out here for me to (re)consider)

Time to quit.

I could be cool now and delete most of this and keep it to myself.

What I may do is save it for a day.

It's possible, as a result, if you're not busy, you will feel some tension wondering why I didn't reply sooner. That brings us back to the people around us and the place where we are.

introduction

2007-11-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

What I have to show

"j9k" is short and easy to type. It has no special meaning.

What I have to show

2007-11-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

Sitting Technique
Stay where you are and do your own variation of this.

An insight:

This is not my mind. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our mind?

This is not my body. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our body?

Am I caring for our connection?

Am I aware of our ground?

from "an ethics that works (?)". And (connection), relational spirituality.

twilight

2007-11-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

2007-11-01-0546

REVIEW OF DAY
After posting, I got ready to go. Called the one who had emailed. Not the "phone phobic in carland" one.

Left. Walked to park. Began yoga. Moved because of streetsweeper, leaf blower needing to be where I was.

Went to iceplant backyard canyon. Sat. Reclined. Sat. Reclined.

Returned to park (by now it was afternoon). Finished yoga.

Walked to visit Leslie (Your Enchanted Gardener).

Stopped by friend's house (not there).

Went home to cook, eat.

Read through more of kheper site before sleeping at 830.

Awake around midnight. Not sleeping, restless, considering again what to do--eat?

Stayed with it and went back to sleep.

Up around 5am. Began cooking. Connected to internet briefly--avoiding this, habit--and now here.

GETTING INTO WRITING

I am hungry and eating. Rencor vivo (my neighbor, Pedro Páramo).

When I woke up in middle of night, considering eating, "Your body is not yours."

It is no longer an issue of overcoming craving--though since what I have is basically rice, lentils, this craving is not intense--but of doing what is best for Spirit (?).

Not endlessly eating and reading causes me to stop reading. . . so I do not stay up late.

There has not been any great joy in this. There is, looming, a sort of satisfaction of achieving what has been a holy grail: moderate eating while in or near a house.

What I am eating is good.

I take a bite, seeing it first, and contemplate. True, I am writing this while finishing chewing.

0621

I missed seeing my friend yesterday.

Leslie is a sort of guru.

So is everyone.

Everyone is.

Very few know.

When others appreciate you what do you do?

MEMORABLE EVENTS

The night twilight internal.

Hunger.

Finishing yoga, when it was late in the afternoon. Not sure I would. And it went well, smooth, not too slow, not too much mind traveling.

The bobbing despair of so much noise everywhere.

Today Maya is not a rainstorm but a construction site or lawn crew next to one's seat. And throughout the neighborhood, echoing througout. And on, (I am the motors, I am the car alarms, I am the ringing friction of the saw on stone).

Street sweeper and leaf blower approaching.

Discontinuity of thought, while sitting.

Speaking on phone with new friend.

Remembering speaking with her.

Being asked who I am and not knowing,

and being wrong.

INSIGHTS

"Your body is not yours."

Another was: the discontinuity of thought.

What happened was, i Was Sitting, then reclined, and in a twilight state was aware of not thinking or feeling--

There may have been no noise then, temperature was perfect, posture totally relaxed.

The insight was: I had no identity--

It is: a feeling reminds me i am the one who Feels.

A thought reminds me i am the one who is Thinking That. (playing with Adi Da capitalization (?))

This connected with that morning when the guru I called was asking me who I was.

She asked how old.

I said 26.

Then realized I'm not. How odd.

There was a gap then--

And other times--

She would ask, so what has made you do these these things/ why have you done this?

There was a gap then--

---

Now Ramana Maharshi has, I think, taught a method of repeatedly asking "Who am I?"

Until today I never got anywhere with that.

"I don't know." was all, and left it there.

But now:

"I am the one who is thinking that. . "

"I am the one who is feeling that. . ."

And when the mindless cycling stops--like two days ago being stuck on remembering the title "Warrior of Perky"--when that stops--

There is no identity.

I have forgotten who mind was. No name, no age, no history. I look around--that is all there is.

Habits are not there.

But when I begin walking, moving, feeling, thinking, self/mind is remembered.

This is very much like what happens in the moment of waking up--perhaps especially if no dream at all.

-------

I also asked, well, thoughts, you want to keep this chain going, so you are not forgotten. A chain of sensation-reaction-sensation (the Buddha mentions this).

So, Thoughts, you go round and round--like the cloud of gnats in the shade in front of me.

If you were to go somewhere, though, where would you go?

If my thoughts were to go somewhere other than round and round, where would they go?

Aurobindo seems to suggest these thoughts are limited, limiting. We transcend these somehow--and do something that is different. . .

Wilber has described a step beyond vision-logic.

Aurobindo's vision of higher human functioning I'd like to understand.

At the same time, I'm uncertain about the evolutionary view.

Stepping into, staying in, the gap, the discontinuity, could be it.

----

How loose I am--I thought then--you shake me, and I won't come back.

Trungpa's Bravery, and the oddity of Adi Da and other gurus can be understood then--only for me, in that discontinuity, no direction occurred.

---

Who are you?

I live with my grandma.

I have nothing else--no job, no life project.

Who are you?

I'm on this sort of spiritual exploration--sitting, learning yoga.

Who are you?

I post to blog often once a day, if I'm near a computer. . .

Those are some of the continuities.

You've read some of what I've written.--I've forgotten that; what you read is different than what I wrote; i'm Not There Anymore.

Gave That Up.

Memory goes away--so, why is not the forgetting, in _Cien Años_ more disruptive? I haven't read far past that, though.

--

I also had fun developing the pre-sitting ritual found in 7 laws: the breathing, and then saying a mantra, remembering a law, for each of the chakras.

The ritual is short.

But since in my sitting, I tend to relax into watching the wandering mind (and engaging it), it is good to do this little focused practice before that.

The laws are nice to remember. I like the law of Dharma--there is purpose.

MINDFULNESS, MINDLESSNESS

yes.

ATTACHMENTS

My friend!

That this woman, new friend, asked me who I was, and that I did not know. I am attached to that having happened.

That she is a she. I am attached to that. Not that I can go anywhere with it. There are guys I feel about like that too--even then not really the same.

The hard thing is--the appreciation.

It has happened recently that I have gotten some expressions of deep, sincere appreciation. Sometimes I had first expressed such to the other, sometimes not.

But what then?

It would seem that as I/ should I become more noble, developed or something, there could be more of that.

So, the Arahat overcomes attachment to objects of her desire, and then. . . has the new issue of others' attachment to her. In theory.

See Patrick Sweeney (Mahamudra Meditation). . . my god-- he is a god.

So, the monk walks with eyes down. . .

Buddha with eyes up? Do you meet gazes? Do you seek gazes? A strong woman, when I see her, I look down, away. . .

She is in me, I am in her.

---

an added element is that a lot of this appreciation is not in person--the contact is via email, say.

I don't know how to deal well with this.

Frank Cook is my best role model, perhaps--but he does what I don't seem to want to do.

He sends quick, friendly emails on occasion, checking in to see how I'm doing.

I truly appreciate him.

So do we meet these in silence and let them go?

I am appreciating my highest self in him.

She is appreciating great parts of her in me.

I am appreciating my highest self in her. I tell her.

She does not need to respond?

For me, the ones to me, they seem to ask for responses. . . but they don't really?

--

So, this new friend, I asked her almost no questions. She lives far away. I keep my eyes lowered.

I'll leave this there for now.

PLAN

I'll probably reply to an email she sent.

Maybe I can go see if my neighborhood friend is home.

Tomorrow or tonight write this outside in dawn. Not in here.

Do the yoga again.

Sit again.

Maybe go get more different things to eat somewhere.

Go through the day. Cycle.

LAW OF DAY

Intention and Desire

1. Be clear of your intentions

2. Trust the outcome

Surrender the outcome to nature.

3. Practice present moment awareness

Chakra: Solar Plexus (behind stomach, below diaphragm)
Mantra: Ram.

Om Ritam Namah

My intentions and desires are supported by cosmic intelligence.

Intentions? I don't know.

Desires? I don't know.

0806

Breakfast

2007-10-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

2007-10-31-0700
GETTING INTO WRITING
Correction: the measure I use for rice and lentils/beans is just over half a cup.

Spiritual Law of Day, Wednesday, (Chopra, Simon) is:
The Law of Least Effort
1. Practice acceptance
2. Accept responsibility
3. Listen to your heart

"you do not see nature straining

"Timing and finesse are the tools for transformation

pp 61-2

Mantra:

Om Daksham Namah

"My actions achieve maximal benefit with minimal effort"

REVIEW OF DAY
I posted, then looked at more of Adi Da stuff, then looked at paper. Then left to Baja Canyon, with intention to do the 7 laws yoga session again.

The sun got to me. I left to find another spot on campus, which I did, and went through session there, preparing my cheat sheet--I will not always be referring so closely to the language in the book.

At 230 was done. Went to library. Looked at more of Trungpa, Adi Da, Ghose Aurobindo, Yogananda.

Adi Da was easiest to get self to read.

Left, visited further away fig trees. Went home, cooked, ate, read a bit more about Adi Da.

http://www.kheper.net/topics/gurus/Da.htm

I may be studying the kheper site more.

MINDLESSNESS & MINDFULNESS

Some seriously unmindful speech to grandma. My usual policy has been to say as little as possible to her because her responses are not often something I want. I decided to let self go a bit. But won't any more, I think.

She said I wouldn't hear her if she screamed (out in the back).

I said that's why I go out there.

That was mostly it!

I decided not to visit friend--I wanted more silence today I guess.

INSIGHTS

Thinking about the spiritual autobiographies of gurus, I made a list to study: Cohen, Adi Da, Yogananda, Tenasi Rama of ArtofUnion.org /com?

The kheper site seems to have done a good job of this.

In my quick looks yesterday, Aurobindo seemed to come out as the "source," the deepest source for much other work. [or most connected to the deep source of all work]

He's not easy to read for me though.

PLAN

I think I'll walk across highway this morning and get some peanuts and maybe other things.

Finally the rice and legumes is getting a bit old.

I reached this point on my hiking trips--and got to ask myself, would I want to keep living if this was all I could eat? I decided yes.

But if I don't have to. . .

I also want to do the yoga session again working on getting the time down to the 45min to 2hrs it could take.

There's someone from bicyclecity.com who emailed me to call. She's very positive and enthusiastic. Maybe wanting to recruit me in some way?

She didn't mention the site, but a search of the phone number got me there. There's a lot already mobilized behind this.

Could I be involved?

Maybe she'll help me?

Well--I've been thinking, Auroville and Aurobindo / the Mother may be the leaders with the "completest view".

I wasn't as keen on other communities perhaps because of their unclear/ unreasonating / undefined spiritual vision.

But Auroville could be anything but that.

I would say "spirit first" when it comes to communities.

I am not at all certain a Secular earthcare / peoplecare focus, humanistic, progressive, urban, (like Portland) is enough.

Maybe that is the image you present to the general public? To some of the public? But deeper down there should be more?

MINDLESSNESS MINDFULNESS again.

Food wise things have been fine. I've wanted to eat more at times, but what I've been eating is enough. Today may be a bit different.

Waking up around 1am and not feeling tired was a bit of a challenge.

"What do I do now?"

I don't like to read then.

So I lay there, a bit restless.

Imagined having some spiritual content / vision to focus on.

BROADER PLAN: just keep learning this yoga practice for now.

Yesterday I was slow, a bit sore, not sure why, but found out going through the poses again--the Diamond one--starting kneeling, then sitting back, then raising to kneeling again.

The lower calories also contributed to slowness, to not focusing well on reading.

In the past I've been drugging self with food to make it easier to do certain things--perhaps.

OH--and in terms of the mind chatter--a lot was rehashing what I'd just written--sort of savoring parts of it--

I'm not sure what the mind is doing when it goes over and over those things--like the title.

So main focus today: the yoga, and getting some different things to eat.

Things may be different than this plan--it is time to stay here or walk the other way than across the highway.

This is very little. This is not much.

So, here we go, into

peace,
Colin

Warrior of Perky, Adi Da, 7 laws

2007-10-30T06:58:00.001-07:00

2007-10-30-0552
been on Internet since 5am?? maybe not that long.

REVIEW OF DAY
Posted, then was on net looking at gr8pumpkin.com, longnow.org, nytimes, slashdot (really timekilling, self-escaping by then). Then paper? Then to ARC on campus. Spent till 2pm going through _7 spiritual laws of yoga_ by the rock wall and then doing weights (.5hr). Climbers came, went, came, went. Definite tension, attention draw, for me at least,--I know some of them, Babs, Ryan--and there was one woman, dancer, capoerista(?), amazing to watch her playing and skipping with a guy who energized her, made her joyful (maybe it wasn't him, just her). I said, (did my best to feel) she's in me, her energy is in me too. Self-focused, I thought she was drawn to what I was doing, the kind of energy I was sharing, as I was to hers. But what more can we do than that? No more.

It was odd and transformative to be doing those exercises and meditating there, and following a book. I couldn't find a more isolated spot--they were locked, and that one would work--I'd used it before.

Then, to the library, to get _Autobiography of a Yogi_ which I did, and also much by Sri Aurobindo (_The future Evolution of Man_ seems good to start with--a lot of the rest are massive tomes. _Integral Yoga_ was not there.), Adi Da (Da Free John/Bubba Free John), _Urantia_, _Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warror_.

First, went through _The Sacred Path_ . . . very nice. I may return to this one.

Then Adi Da's _The Knee of Listening_. Every other page, almost, a picture of him. Mind-blowing. He, in my interpretation, is telling everyone he is god and so are they (and how to realize that), but, so many find G-d through him. It is unreal, some of the pictures. You could not make this up better. White, middle-aged, north-american women, men, hailing, bowing down, to a happy, large-bellied, big Yoda.

Then _Autobiography of a Yogi_, but after Adi Da, couldn't really get excited about that. . . what could compare?

Then _Urantia_. Another tome.

Then the Sri Aurobindo books.

_Shambhala_ was a bit slow, at first, and somewhat repetitive--it is a compilation of lectures--, but then the depth, detail of the vision the author (Chögyam Trungpa) is presenting comes through. I was only skimming. But became aware that, as someone wrote of Adi Da, it is clear Trungpa has a good idea of what "it" is about.

He's sort of teaching a warrior personality, where "warrior" means brave person / bodhisattva, but secular, free from attachment to a particular religious heritage.

"Personality" should not be quite right (should be beyond personality), but I'll give it that distancing label for now. I've read the author was an alcoholic, and other things, and at any event,

we should not take this enlightenment stuff / "sacred warrior" business too seriously.

"Warrior of Perky" comes from there.

Then, the bells were ringing in the body (_7 Spiritual Laws of Yoga_ is done in order to be able to listen to the body (all layers, levels)) to go outside, to stop looking at books.

So, walked home, visited friend, fresh from Adi Da madness, (mostly the effect of looking at his pictures), could not help loving her (with some Trungpa "eyes so full of tears that when you blink they overflow"), so I listened, tried not to speak.

Then home to cook meal.

The routine has been going well-- it is basically a cup of brown rice, a cup of pinto beans (which have been soaked 8+ hours, sometimes sprouted), plus other ingredients. The brown rice takes a while. Yesterday evening, I was not wanting to wait--and cooked a squash + toasted the seeds (microwave), chewed on flax seeds.

In the evenings, past two days, I've been wanting to eat peanuts.

IN the past that has been a problem--only large bags are available near home--for more reasonable amounts must walk across highway and back.

So far, I've avoided the peanut binge.

I can also put things in the top of the pot that cook faster-- in this case, some of the lima beans--incredibly good, nourishing--that have been growing out back.

All earlier renunciations have been off except for sleeping outside, which continues to be a very good thing--partly because the howling man in the apartments is no longer there/doing his thing. Neither is anyone playing music loud, for the time being.

So I was out back.

Never got to reading.

Just contemplating.

In this case, _Shambhala_ and Adi Da--

A message I got from the day was that when you realize the peace--

There is nothing left to do but share it.

There are no other jobs left.

Now, Sri (Ghose) Aurobindo, and others, (The Mother, Auroville founder, is another one for me to look into), focus on the continuing evolution of humanness.

So when you realize the peace--as, to some extent, I did today--

I cannot really focus on the "private goodness" (Trungpa) of reading _Cien Años_.

Well, I wasn't then.

Doing so seems an escape from a more pressing, more personal question.

MINDFULNESS & MINDLESSNESS

?

INSIGHTS

See above.

ATTACHMENTS
Food, friend-- friend is the only one I get to test out my "enlightenement" on. Can I stay there with her? Does staying there affect our interaction? Partly I stayed there, partly I left.

PLAN
I'm on the Internet-connected computer. I already spent time on email, nytimes, facebook (Tuesday is the day I've been checking that)--perhaps 45 min to an hour. When I woke--450am-- got pot going asap, so it is done now, cooling.

0635

will eat that. Look at paper.

Now when I woke there was a question: to go to Kroc and swim (pool finally open probably) @ 530, weights, then return here?

But decided to stick with what I'd been doing.

So, will go to campus. Will go through Yoga routine I'm learning. And do weights. I can swim in campus pool in afternoon if I want.

Then to library-- maybe more Adi Da or Cho:gyam Trungpa.

But that seems a bit. . . not there.

Maybe I'll just contemplate sharing peace.

I think the future sharing I do will have to do with the body. Sort of yoga-teacher like. A vision I got was me in park helping people learn routines that go with books: ITP Kata, 7 Spiritual Laws. I don't want people to be dependent on me as a yoga teacher. I could help them get established, and then send them on their way.

But, as I have no need financially to do anything like that, or, no need to do that for money--

I'm not sure what, if anything, will get me to do more than I am doing now-- with a focus on personal peace and writing about it.

My control of food is still tentative--and were I to stay at this house all day--I'm not sure what I'd do.

Having that control solid, and having the body (oral health & trim & flex & strength) that reflect that accomplishment are / would be an important thing I would have to share.

Once that body--then the garden maybe, or the focus on Subtle, Causal, Psychic --the bodies along those lines, though I'm not to sure what they are, and if ignorance of them doesn't hurt peace. . . then ok.

So those other leaders--Aurbindo, Adi Da, the Urantia guy, Wilber, seem to leak tomes.

Their message though, is listen-- don't read me--

"We have what we seek. It is there all the time, and if we give it time it will make itself known to us." Thomas Merton qtd. on p 175 of _the seven spiritual laws of yoga_

The Buddha has the more accurate complete message--Sila, Pranja, Samadhi (frome Goenka)--Morality, Wisdom, Purity of Mind-- (something like that).

It is in "US" if we give it time--and part of that is learning from others.

The challenge is the balance.

I/WE tend to go overboard in looking to others--reading endlessly.

So I'll be watching for that.

Reading the book--_7 laws_ and practicing it-- that was good balance, a good metaphor.

I really felt in school. Studying a book, immediately applying it.

So, I can study Trungpa, Adi Da,

I could apply them too, perhaps.

While maintaining, growing in Sila--the non-body harming way of life.

Peace.
Colin

0655

Before I got up, I want to note, my dreams--the past two or three?--incorporated eating and eating.

0724
Searching for Yoda and Adi Da brought me here: http://www.thetaobums.com/