When I think of my childhood school days, particularly 5th and 6th grade (which used to be called Orientierungsstufe in Germany, from the word orientation, as kids are evaluated for future education, at least that was the intent) one thing stands out in my report card: Thorsten is often absent minded, easily distracted and tends to distract other children. My teachers had a difficult time reconciling my overall behavior with my learning potential, noting a quite pronounced discrepancy: I tended to be an A- student in music, arts, writing and mathematics, if I could focus long enough. However, I was also diagnosed as being hyperactive - usually referred to nowadays as ADHD (though this post will not be about any clinical condition).

Nevertheless, I always thought of myself as having a broad interest - ranging from archeology to zoology, literally. I was rather proud of that, especially when asked to list hobbies: the more I could list the better. Indeed, in high school I eventually was called "the walking encyclopedia", the epitome of cool in my mind. However, teachers began to comment once again on the stark discrepancy between my intellectual abilities and my increasing lack of engagement - in part driven by my growing dislike of a very formulaic approach to learning. The creative elements of the early school days were gone, replaced by "by the book" attitudes and little room for personal discoveries and engagement (certainly a profound cultural element of German society in general).

What initially led to lower grades in school, frustrating but not life changing yet, would later become more complex and challenging. I never lost my curiosity, which I see as a positive asset and integral part of who I am. But it also has proven to be a stumbling block and major drawback with regards to finding my calling (creatives think in terms of calling and purpose rather than job and career). Of course there's certainly never been a shortage of advice from the outside, much of it good, or at least well meant, some of it highly encouraging and motivating. I even took an extensive aptitude test many years ago. The results attested that I could indeed do anything I put my mind to (I always held onto it and have it right in front of me this very moment).

And here is that crucial missing element: focus. But not focus as in concentrating on the task at hand, something I've always been able to do, but focus on a particular talent. Let's call it the I-talent, that one core talent at the center of any person that defines them, shapes their actions and way of life. That one talent that is such an integral part of who we are that we simply don't recognize it because "it's just what we do" or "it's nothing, really" because we so effortlessly utilize it. Creatives are particularly prone to this kind of thinking because creativity is more of a heart matter than a head matter and therefore looked upon as irrational in an environment that favors rationalism (the dreamer, the head-in-the-cloud person, the introvert living in his/her own world, etc.).

Our I-talent often manifests itself in subtle ways - doodles on scrap paper or sidelines, whistling melodies or tapping beats we don't recall ever hearing, arranging things a certain way around us by color palette or style, seeing scenes and stories while at lunch, taking photos with our mind's eye, etc. Maybe you have an ever growing collection of music of a particular genre, or of graphic design, photography, music magazines, maybe you're almost part of the inventory of your local bookshop or library (at least while they're still around...). You may find yourself drawn to several such activities but if you look real close there's one that is slightly more dominant. That could very well be your I-talent, something you long to do but ultimately keep ignoring, denying or at the very least restrained.

Over the past several months I have done exactly that kind of analysis. I paid close attention to what I react to most intensely, inside, not necessarily visible on the outside. I've read several helpful books such as The Career Guide for Creative and Unconventional People and The Five-Minute Writer containing great advice and/or exercises. I reduced distractions and looked at ways of doing things I enjoy more, well, enjoyably. And most importantly I've trained myself to focus.

After closely scrutinizing my approach to writing, photography and composing I've come to better understand what works for me, what doesn't and why. As a result my approach to photography has changed. I made a clear break between my professional interest and the gathering of visual inspiration. I've always felt reluctant bringing my DSLR around. It didn't feel right, lacking creative spontaneity. Now I leave it in the studio, where I feel it belongs, and instead gather visual inspiration using my iPhone. It's liberatingly restrictive and simple, which means I am able to be in the moment rather than thinking about the right settings. Also, once captured I can quickly edit a photo without the distraction of a multitude of settings and options. There is focus.

In turn I can act on initial impulses and feelings quicker, focusing on my poetry of the moment. The results are then quickly posted to Instagram as well as my new blog Alternate:Words_in:tu (in:tu standing primarily for the tools used, Instagram and Tumblr, but it can also be pronounced as in-two, as in split off, in addition to). This spontaneity is refreshing and avoids getting lost in thoughts while the pages in front of me remain blank. Liberated of certain processes that inhibited more than they encouraged my writing is more organic again rather than procedure driven. There's an important balance now between creating and sharing.

I also no longer feel compelled to needing a visual element to all of my writings, as this post attests. Especially writings like this can be difficult to illustrate with images. There are many posts I haven't written for exactly that reason. Now there is focus on what really matters: the process of writing. Also, to help me stay focused while writing longer pieces I have resorted to using an iPad. It's quite similar to writing in a good old fashioned journal, undistracted and unoccupied (I'm using Blogsy in case you wondered; also Daedalus for print pieces). There is no temptation to constantly check emails, browse the web ("research") or drift off otherwise. I highly recommend giving it a try if you get easily sidetracked as well.

In the process I became fully aware of what I must focus on the most, what lies at my core, influences everything I do, makes me me: music. Of course I've always been aware of how much I like music but there's always been a good amount of neglect, of "I know, but", of "maybe I should, but probably not", at best treating it as a sidekick rather than the main star. All that has turned into "do it!" and "focus!". And so I do and I focus and I discover connections I never knew existed, intricate, subtle responses that make all the difference. I've since started refreshing my knowledge of music theory (via Music Theory for Computer Musicians and Harmony for Computer Musicians) and am also about to take composing classes. There are some dreams that want to become realities and I will share this journey on these very pages (together with related poetry and prose).

Now. What about you? Do you have a hard time focusing? What do you think you should be focusing on, what is your I-talent? Please feel free to share in the comment section.

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“I gotta get out, out of Frac­tal City, clear my head, refresh my synapses, go down to Blue Water City. Blue Water City, so clean you can dip into any pud­dle and come out fresher than the morn­ing dew. Gotta take a dive, make a splash, wash it all off and rinse it down, that grime, that crime, those cal­cu­lated abnor­mal­i­ties. It’s sim­ple, it’s smooth, it’s the per­fect shape. Dome after dome per­fect clar­ity, absolute trans­parency, no dis­par­ity. It’s all the same, no shame, no blame. It’s straight­for­ward, no cor­ners, no edges. It’s plain, no strain, no pain. I jump right in, into the blue. No need to look behind, it’s all in front of me; no sur­prises, no dis­guises, no need to make com­pro­mises. I gotta get out, I am going down to Blue Water City, I am going to town, make a splash, won’t leave any trash, it’s so clean, it has that sheen of per­fect ingenuity.”

A follow-up to the previous post once published on my now closed down short story blog. The picture is an almost microscopic shot of water drops.

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Fractal City, originally uploaded by Thorsten Becker.

“Fractal City, a dirty pit of infinite geometric forms and grids of mathematical patters. Where binary thugs come at analogue signals in precisely calculated intervals, where Mandelbrot crime lords reign supreme over lesser iterations. The lowest common denominator here is that you can always count on some algebraic crime going down somewhere within the statistically accurate back alleys. Pie charts smile at you while some lower function mugs you from behind.

And then there is Julia, beautiful, mesmerizing Julia, in all her holomorphic beauty. She is cold and calculating and every half witted calculus in this town is functionally in love with her. But if they dare to add themselves too closely they're quickly subtracted from the general populace. She is Big Daddy Chaos's sugar babe. She always was, she'll always be, infinitely.

And me? I am just a shadow of the function I used to be. But I still have some subroutines up my sleeve, some of the kind others would delete for. I watch, I calculate, I investigate.

So long my analogue friend, I am off executing another procedure. Trace on...”

A homage to a few of my favorite things: classic film noir, crime novels and the beauty of mathematics as found in nature and replicated in computer science, all combined in slightly abstract piece of prose. Posted this once before on my defunct short story blog.

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Uneasy, originally uploaded by Thorsten Becker.

In my last post I talked about the challenges many creatives face in promoting their own work, particularly if their core personality type is rather introverted (and I include myself in that category). Of all the avenues open for promoting the Internet is the most accessible but also often proves to be unexpectedly challenging and frustrating, even to the point of being demotivating.

I have spoken before about my initial skepticism and even rejection of the Internet when I first came in contact with it back in the 90s. Curiosity and my innate fascination with technology overcame such feelings rather quickly, only to be greeted with a sense of uncertainty and unease interacting online with others in the early AOL and chatroom days. What was an exciting frontier of new possibilities and instant communication with people from around the world every so often turned sour due to misunderstandings.

It became obvious to me, and many others, that just typing text in a box was lacking an important element which I call “emotional feedback”. Words are the fundamental expressions of human thoughts and feelings. If we want to preserve our thoughts we write them down. Words carry on through centuries, even millennia. Prior to the dominance of electronic communication writing involved more deliberation as putting words down on paper or parchment needed patience and a steady hand for legibility. But it was also possible to give those words character by varying pen pressure and direction, altering the overall appearance of letters. It was a way of compensating in some ways for the lack of in person communication, an inherently preferred way of human interaction. These days however we resort to typing. And while I very much appreciate the ability to quickly jot down important thoughts and ideas I can’t help but recognize the inherent flaws. While being constraint to a consistent font type dramatically improves legibility it also prevents me from imbuing those words with distinct character.

It is certainly not a new dilemma. The invention of mass printing has carried similar drawbacks albeit having one major advantage over computer screens: the tactility of paper. There is something to touch, hold and feel. Another sense is engaged other than simply seeing the words. In addition printed words were usually more carefully placed and thought through, not least by their authors often handwriting their articles or manuscripts first. Then there is the important aspect of paper reflecting light rather than emitting it like a screen. At first this may not seem relevant, or even obvious, but the strain our eyes experience when looking at a light emitting device is significantly higher compared to looking at a page under adequate lighting. The impact of reading on-screen vary by person but often manifest in easier eye fatigue, headaches and an overall feeling of unease, which in turn affects our perception of the words read.

For the reasons given above I believe that words on paper have a perceptively higher provision of emotional feedback than words on a screen. I am apparently not alone as the invention of emoticons years back seems to support that observation. In an effort to imbue our electronic writings with a sense of how those words are supposed to be read people began inserting characters resembling human expressions: : ) | : ( | :]) | :*(. For someone not familiar with emoticons it may be confusing at first but the expressions become obvious after a while, such as smiling, frowning, laughing and crying. Indeed, I use several of them quite frequently when chatting with family members. Though if that familiarity is not given it feels rather awkward to make use of emoticons. And they certainly are frowned upon (pun intended) in any form of professional communication.

Considering my case for emotional feedback, and the lack thereof in much of our online communication, it becomes apparent that especially introverted creatives struggle with online self promotion. I, and many others, confess to having a much easier time, and higher success rate, talking to someone in person. This is certainly most natural as face-to-face communication offers the highest level of emotional feedback. While thoughts are conveyed with immediacy it is the amount of facial expressions and the body language of and the feeling perceived around the person we’re talking to that provides all important information as to how the conversation is progressing. We can instantly react to arising challenges and clarify misunderstandings. Behavioral rules affect how we talk, act and carry ourselves. All of this is usually sorely missing from any form of written online communication, not least due to a lack of accountability.

The case I present here is certainly not based on empirical data or scientific research but simply on personal observation. Though I do encourage you to verify it for yourself by reading any email you received recently on screen and then printing it out and reading it in your favorite spot. Observe your own emotional perception. You may be surprised as to the difference in interpretation of the email.

I find it important to consider that emotional feedback is essential in communicating with others and therefore keep the various drawbacks of online interactions in mind. I will always prefer and seek out in-person dialogues while trying to make the best use of the possibilities of online interactions.

I also encourage you to watch the video posted below. I am an admirer of Ian McCaig’s work (he is an illustrator and concept artist) and I enjoyed hearing his thoughts on storytelling and physical theater (which makes a case in point for emotional feedback as well; jump straight to that passage here). It’s quite a long interview but well worth watching for any artist.

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Follow the path, originally uploaded by Thorsten Becker.

After my last post I sat down and spent some time pondering why it is rather difficult for me to promote my own work. I've been on uneasy terms with “the Internet” ever since I first became aware of it back in '95 as mentioned in a prior post. No doubt the web has created a lot of great opportunities for numerous creatives. Many who once struggled getting their work in front of people are now successfully marketing themselves, often accomplishing quite amazing feats of recognition. These days it seems the whole world is online, opening numerous possibility for finding one's audience. While back in the day authors needed publishers to get their work out in the open they can now potentially do it all on their own. While musicians had to be signed to labels to sell their music they can now seemingly reach their listeners directly. There are indeed many examples of writers and musicians and artists who have taken advantage of all those new possibilities and reached their dreams.

Human society reacts in much the same way to changes in the economic environment as nature in the ecological: the more you add on one side the more you have to remove on the other. A new species that becomes the predominant inhabitant of an area will displace a long established one. In economic terms: as new media rises old media declines. Many that once felt they were barred from opportunities are now creating their own, in the process reducing the availability of established opportunities. This can, and often does, negatively effect those struggling to take advantage of these new opportunities because they prefer the old ones.

New generations are quick to say “out with old, in with the new”. Let enough time pass and the old becomes new again and the new old and the cycle restarts. Traditional publishing is frequently frowned upon by those who feel that the new models offer much more freedom and opportunities. Though one important question begs answering: how sustainable can this “do it all yourself” approach be in the long run? While I could easily dive deeply into economic terms and the rise, and fall, of big business and its underlying fundamental needs and requirements for catalysts I reckon it would significantly exceed any bearable post length. The conclusion though would be that each one of us has a sense of what is natural for and to us.

The term natural has a quite lengthy definition. In terms of this post I am using it as our very personal perception of what is right and what is wrong according to our unchangeable core character. If something feels right it is natural, if it feels wrong it's unnatural. While we can expand our acceptance of right and wrong from a rational point there is only so much stretching we can ever do from an emotional point. We have an inherent nature and we can go with our against that nature. Going against it only works for so long until all sorts of psychological effects set it.

If you've ever taken any form of psychological evaluation you are probably familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If not it is “a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions,” according to Wikipedia. There are four dichotomies: attitudes (favorite world), perceiving functions (information), judging functions (decisions) and lifestyle (structure). I've taken this test a few times, usually out of curiosity, and my type always comes out as INFP: introverted, intuitive, feeling, perceptive. In short the idealist. Those who have met me in person however would most likely typecast me as an ENFJ (the giver). That is because there is a certain duality to all of us. Under various circumstances we can portrait a slightly different set of character qualities. However, we cannot sustain those for a prolonged period. Eventually we have to return to our core personality.

Being introverted means it is unnatural for me to interact with a large crowed. In fact, writing this post is accompanied by feeling uncomfortable since it's going to be published on my blog and thus be open to the world. I much more prefer interacting with individuals or a specific group. Whenever I do so I feel in harmony with my nature and are intensely focused on the task at hand and less so on my surroundings. In a large group however I am more focused on my surroundings and I have a hard time getting through my task

Therefore, promoting myself on the web to the public feels highly unnatural. It is not in harmony with my nature. I can morph into an ENFJ for a period of time but like a shapeshifter in a fantastic story I eventually have to return to my natural form. If for one reason or another I am forced to keep acting as an ENFJ I begin to waver. I'd rather have someone else promote me, endorse me. My nature prefers the traditional route of publisher/label for my work. Years ago when I wrote for magazines I accomplished infinitely more than these days writing on my blog (see archives for months long gaps).

I am all for progress. Any form of standstill results in decline until things fall apart. But progress can only be accomplished when considering the past and potential consequences of a shift in approach. With a strong leaning towards independence from established business models the question is where does this leave those of us who prefer interdependence? It's a complex matter that involves questions of quality vs. quantity, definition of quality, gateway and filter functions once held by quality keepers and the resulting rise of mediocracy. Perhaps though we're already reaching a turning point where the spirit of free, unapologetic exploring is once again being reigned in by an increasing desire for quality of content and craftsmanship. It will not end the underlying struggles, after all even refinement is a matter of struggle, but it may just create more balanced opportunities as a result, opportunities that feel natural.

As always I invite you to share your very own thoughts on this matter.

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In order for knowledge to be truly valuable it has to become part of our motivation. It has to trickle down from the brain to the heart, so to speak. Only then will we react in accordance with that knowledge.

I realized this myself once more. There are things I’ve posted in the past talking about what inspires and motivates me to write, only to walk away and return to my writer’s block state of mind. We all tend to sometimes look in all the wrong places, maybe because it seems to be easier over there, or we don’t really believe what we know to be true or achievable. I’ve known since childhood that the one and only thing that truly inspires me and motivates me to write, more precisely write stories, is music. I know that I learned walking by music, my father turning the balance knob on his stereo and little me following “the sound of music” from one speaker to the other (they stood several feet apart). I know my mother was and still is a classical music expert and she exposed me to the greats of old from an early childhood on. I’ve been listing to them ever since I can think. And as I grew older I didn’t simply buy music and let it play in the background, no, I sat down, 12/13 years old, and deliberately listened to a whole album, making out all the nuances while all the while dreaming, traveling off to far away fantastic lands. Vangelis, Jean Michel Jarre, Kitaro, Tangerine Dream, John Williams, Jerry Goldsmith – all of them and many more have taken me on some truly fantastic journeys.

But it’s not just listening, it’s also very much playing myself. While I don’t master any particular instrument, I can play a bit piano and flute and certainly keyboard, I truly enjoy playing with sounds and melodies (I am able to read notes though). I’ve been “composing” for years, decades at this point in my life. And with that music came the stories: the title theme to a Sci Fi epic I once wanted to write, little parts for a fantastical musical, pieces of music for spy thrillers. And then, one day, it took on much more concrete forms.

In 2006 I’ve published “Infiltrator – A Musicnovel”. It’s a nine track album, a soundtrack to an imaginary futuristic thriller. The music inspired the story. None of the tracks were created deliberately, they were all a result of the music simply coming to me. And as I created track after track I began seeing a pattern and ultimately arranged it all into a story of a special agent uncovering a devious threat. I created an outline of each track’s events. And then I got curious. I signed up with various indie music sites and services promoting the album (which I actually made available as a self-published CD). I got good airplay on college radio and even a few local radio stations, had two of my tracks included on a compilation CD in Asia and even made 3rd place in the dance category in the 14th Billboard World Songwriting Contest a few years back. I felt truly connected to the one thing that inspires me the most. And then I abandoned it.

It wasn’t because I was afraid of anything, the feedback I had received was extremely positive, I’ve had the founder of world famous German electronica group Tangerine Dream commending me on my budding music. I received a very positive review by a website dedicated to soundtracks only – quite a feat since “Infiltrator” isn’t truly a soundtrack. No, it certainly wasn’t fear. I simply felt overwhelmed, not with success, it was moderate, but with the shear amount of work involved in promoting my music. I had joined many websites, including the infamous MySpace, made some nice contacts but ultimately felt disillusioned. I came up with the term “Lemonade Stand Syndrome” or LSS for short. What is LSS? Imagine two kids selling lemonade but doing it where no one can find them. After a while they start selling it to each other. Eventually all the lemonade is gone and the same buck has been passed back and forth. Very disappointing, not to mention devastating to their humble business. On every site I joined the result was the same: we were all musicians looking for exposure and simply becoming each others’ “fans” without ever accomplishing the reason for joining in the first place – finding our audience (aside from the positive effect of making some friends with like minded musicians). More than that, all of these sites charge musicians to use their services, most of them being rather useless truth be told. Thus I closed account after account until I felt like I had never made much progress.

I am certainly not one to be easily discouraged. But this felt different. I began to think that being independent was not such a good idea after all. In addition I’ve always been rather shy about my own work, while I can be very supportive of other people’s work, and all this self promotion felt simply odd, desperate in a sense.

The reason I am talking about this experience is that I know there are many creatives out there who share similar feelings. Sometimes we set out exploring, wondering what might be around the next corner, only to find ourselves in an environment that’s not exciting at all anymore and we may have to back track and find the path we were originally on. The promise of the web is independence from established structures, like publishers, by seemingly empowering us to do it all on our own. And that’s where it gets difficult. Because we can’t do it all on our own. The more time we spend on promoting ourselves the less time we have to be creative. There is limited time each day and the more time I spend on one task the less I have to spend on another. We are, indeed, not independent at all, we depend on others. We need people to do the things we simply don’t have the time or energy to do. We need support. We even need endorsement. It feels great to be written about on the web but it feels even better to be mentioned in or on a respected magazine or site or to be recommended by a favorite artist of ours.

To recap briefly and to connect the dots back to the beginning of the post, needing to apply knowledge for it to be truly valuable, I have acquired knowledge not only of what I am truly passionate about but also how one can exude a lot of time and energy on the wrong approach to share that passion. Now I need to ensure I apply that knowledge and not repeat past errors while also applying the knowledge that, if I want to write stories I need to compose music first. Thus I am open to suggestions – and experiences. How has your creative progressions been on the web? Please feel free to share your story in the comments or point me to your post.

This post was in part motivated by Diana Baur’s post titled “the simple art of interdependence” and I highly recommend reading it. My wife Holly Becker also wrote something similar a few years back.

And at the very end of this post, reluctantly so due to the odd feeling associated, I do like to point to my music being available on iTunes and Amazon.

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In the previous post I've left off in 1997. Continuing on to 1998 writing once more became a major part of my life as I met my future wife Holly. Our relationship literally grew page upon page as we sent lengthy emails to each other – day after day. We have printouts of many of those messages and they number into the hundreds. As a result my English skills drastically improved which in turn fostered our relationship. Fast forward to 2001 and my move to America. As mentioned prior with that also came a long lost sense of adventure and new which quickly rekindled my desire to write. I pitched a few articles to local newspapers but was briskly turned down. Worse, my ideas were taken and handed over to in-house writers. That was my first foray into US publishing, decidedly very different from my experiences back in Germany (where I was given opportunities from the get-go). Nevertheless, I had brought several of my old articles with me and began translating them into English. I also started working for various translation (or internationalization) companies and for a short period of time even found my way back in to the video game industry as an editor of German translations for various games and official websites.

Eventually I created Alternate:Words. At first it served simply as a portfolio of my previous articles and as a means of offering writing and editing services. However, opportunities kept opening up in other areas thus I returned to the IT world once more (with a tremendously successful experience nevertheless). During that time I kept Alternate:Words alive and eventually something I longed for years earlier became a reality when blogs appeared. I installed the first version of WordPress but didn't really do much with it until I published my “Infiltrator” CD (called a “Musicnovel”) and began posting about airplay and reviews of it. After some time I felt I was not really taking advantage of the format turned Alternate:Words into what it is today – or was supposed to be. If you've followed along over the years you may have seen short stories appear, and disappear again, various forms of poetry styles posted as well as occasional musings. At first I posted quite regularly, if you look through the archives there are barely any gaps - except for posts I've move to other blogs reasoning they'd be better suited on their own blogs. Thus Fabula Brevis came and went, a blog I initially filled with short stories and flash fiction. Cognizant Dreamer has come, and gone again, which was the same concept under a more poignant name. I even started a blog for another novel idea I've conceived the past few years – Lucian the Seeker. And then there is Cinematic Toys meant for postings about my toy photography – also in dire need of any updates.

Of course I only shared the most relevant bits of what has happened over the years and the question now stands as to why my dream of writing a novel has not progressed much, aside from responsibilities demanding their dues. That leads me back to the beginning of this series of posts and the question of what was the motivation for that dream? For me the motivation back then was and still is the desire to explore, to uncover the extraordinary behind the ordinary, the vast realm of imagination. But truth be told I am not a novel reader. In all honesty most novels simply bore me. I'd say that many decent novels would make great short stories as they tend to get lost in details ans lose pace and focus. And that's the key for my future endeavors.

I grew up reading mostly short stories (I actually have read less then two dozen full length novels my whole life), watching episodes on TV and listening to 60 minute stories on tape. Maybe a case for ADD could be made, I certainly had the signs growing up, but I'd argue that this is what I really enjoy. And there is that little important word – joy. It's not just fun, it's joy. And with that joy comes love. I love writing, but whatever I write is done in a pursuit of well paced prose and carefully chosen words. I don't like waste, least to waste time.

Now the question is what to make of it all? When I wrote articles and saw them in print afterward there was a sense of pride, of accomplishment, of content. As I said in the preceding post when I was first exposed to the web I was quite negative about it. While my overall disposition has changed, as a writer I am still reluctant. Sure, there are plenty of examples of successful web writers out there (my wife being one of them), but for me as someone who is more of an observer than an approacher I find it not only difficult but also demotivating to simply push my work out to a global audience without a certain reward. Of course obstacles are there to be overcome but an honest evaluation of one's personality has to come into play as well.

Considering what I shared to this point I concluded that my dream was in need of evolving. What was simply a child's dream has to be considered in light of advances in publishing as well as a clearer understand of what I enjoy and love. I am now considering e-publishing foremost and am working on a concept for a series of short stories, or episodes as I call them. Every story idea I've developed to this point is predestined to be episodic, from my original science fiction story to my recent steampunk(ish) project all the way to my “Infiltrator” musicnovel. I've also talked about my love of music before so I consider combining episodes with specifically written compositions. Adding in a few illustrations shall round out the whole concept. And of course I'd very much enjoy writing articles for (paper) magazines again. That is the goal, that is the dream once held evolved and brought from the past to the present.

What about Alternate:Words? It has a small audience and that is enough for me to keep posting on it, how regularly only time will tell. Part of the problem has been that I've quite literally written myself into a corner. I enjoy photography a lot but I had made it a rule to only post if I had an image available. I am abandoning this rule. There may be posts without images in the future. There'll probably be less haikus as they were often the result of the “image needed” rule. I still write poetry but it's about prose more than it is about meter when I write. And while consistency is great it must be in support and not in competition with the actual goal. And of course whatever may be useful and encouraging to other writers and creatives I'll keep posting here as well.

Do you maybe feel that a long held dream has somehow been stuck in time? Take a few moments, days, weeks and analyze what the underlying love is that formed that dream. Maybe your dream is in need of evolving as well. And then put it out there.

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3. Where there is love Where there is love, originally uploaded by Thorsten Becker. Where...

Time is a curious thing. I've written about it before but I want to mention it here again in the context of this post. Time acts reverse proportional to our age, meaning to children days can feel extremely long but the older we get the shorter those same days feel until we hit a point where we frequently seem to say “time flies”. It's simply a matter of perception and the fact that over the years we accumulate experiences (been there, done that) thus it may lose our sense of excitement and discovery. I experienced this myself and even with my own blog. Alternate:Words started out in 2002 as simply a website to promote my writing. A year prior I've had moved to the US and while my English was still improving I was feeling a sense of new and excitement and I felt inspired to write for magazines – again.

Rewind a several years to 1995. My childhood dream of writing had still been very much alive. In fact I've picked up my science fiction story again and started over by writing a new outline and some technical references. Throughout the years prior I've had talked about my ideas to my friends and one of my best friends had even created several concept drawings. I again looked into publishing, from traditional to self publishing. The only problem was that “reality” was firmly established in my life now. I needed to make a living. Of course there were various options, especially in the IT industry. I worked as a system and network administrator for BMW in the early PC days, then switched to the more creative side by working for graphic design firms creating logos, flyers and even websites. As interesting as these projects were I felt I was getting further and further away from my writing dream.

Eventually I decided to pitch some articles to various magazines concerning interactive entertainment (or simply video games), music software and graphic design software. Once I put my mind to something I am extremely driven and determined and it only took a few weeks before I had my first assignments. Over the following two years I built an extensive network of press contacts, liaisons and magazine editors that enabled me to not only delve deeper into the world of interactive storytelling but also foster my own writing.

While there are numerous novels published in Germany each year by German authors the market is of course rather limited. At that point I had a key conversation with a game designer who was also writing novels based on the games his company developed (something unheard of back then and commonplace now). His conclusion was that if you don't have an English pen name and don't write in English you won't get far. He sounded quite frustrated at that point and eventually turned his back on the whole industry as well as writing. Considering the vast quantity of translated US/UK literature in German bookstores his observation made sense. However, at that time my English was rather rudimentary. I didn't particularly liked taking English in high school even though I had a very enthusiastic teacher. I simply had no interest and it showed. In fact I was encouraged to skip French and solely focus on English, something only suggested to students who are severely “lacking”.

What sounded like a roadblock actually encouraged me to push forward. I started to seek out native English speakers and was determined to learn the language. And what better place then the emerging Internet, right? Well, truth be told I couldn't really care less at first. Quite the opposite, I felt uncomfortable about the web, almost threatened. Which was odd considering the movie Tron had left a major impression on me during childhood. I bought my first computer because of it (when I was twelve years old), learned programming, became fascinated with video games and even created some computer animations in later years. Maybe subconsciously I feared that the web would negatively impact publishing and therefore threaten my dreams.

That resistance certainly didn't last long (after all I was just in my mid twenties). Curiosity won and I bough my first modem, horribly slow and prone to drop-outs, which came bundled with AOL. Aside from the ridiculous cost involved (phone charges by the minute plus ISP charges by the minute plus base fee) a whole new world literally opened up (one that eventually lead to finding my lovely wife years later). Henceforth I emailed my articles to my publishers (instead of mailing them on floppy disks) and eventually established my very own web magazine in 1997 called PCInformer. Back then every new article had to be added to the HTML code of the main page and then uploaded to the server. I quickly longed for some type of content management system which was still years off, at least for non-commercial users. But, being my own publisher aside from having established columns in magazines and newspapers I felt I had reached an important milestone on my journey as a writer. There is a deep satisfaction that comes from reaching goals against odds.

Unfortunately the odds turned against me as a major magazine dying swept through Germany in 1997 and within a four week time span I lost all my contracts. Due to a lack of options (since I was writing in German) I tried desperately to find new writing opportunities, including producing articles for emerging web portals. But the content needed fell outside my expertise and the pay was marginal. Ultimately financial obligations forced me to reconsider. It was a major blow to my dream, and my confidence. The last thing I was concerned with now was writing a novel. So I went back to the IT world, my creativity squarely tucked away in a dark corners of my mind.

Have you experienced any major setbacks, maybe to the degree where you felt you had to abandon your dreams forever?

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Much of what we enjoy as adults is rooted in our childhood. This sense of “new”, of wide eyed wonders, of the world being a playground full of adventure and excitement, of secret doors to hidden worlds, of the ordinary simply being a disguise of the extraordinary – all the things generally relegated as child's play - is something we seem to lose over the years as “reality” sets in. We are increasingly confronted with weighty decisions, often forced upon us, with responsibilities we must take on and the seemingly unavoidable loss of innocence. For a growing child every day is a new experience, every day holds the promise of some new discovery, learning about itself and the world it is surrounded by while being in the care of loving parents (or a parent).

Of course there is the other side that shapes us as well, the disappointments, the pain of loss – be it a beloved pet or a tragic event like the death of a close relative, the first signs of parents not being gods and at times struggling to make the right decisions. But even during these times there are distractions available, worlds to be discovered and explored, be it through books (written and audio), music, movies and video games. I intentionally put that list in order of accepted forms of childhood entertainment from beneficial to questionable. I grew up with all four and cherish them equally (there is as much “bad” literature as there are “awful” video games, it's really a matter of parental supervision).

I always enjoyed exploring and investigating. Thus my favorite types of stories growing up were detective stories, be it Three Detectives, Famous Five or books of short stories written by Wolfgang Ecke (here's an example), each open at the end for the reader to solve who did it. Much of my story intake actually happened through tapes and records, the early form of audio books called “Hörspiel“ in German, the closest approximation in English being audio or radio drama. I had lots of them and I listened to them over and over. And then there were TV shows like Columbo, Hart to Hart, Scarecrow and Mrs. King or Remington Steele (to name but a few). I always watched them with my grandmother who enjoyed them equally as much as I did. And Star Trek. She liked Captain Kirk (“he's handsome”) but not really Captain Picard (“he's not very good looking”). We also watched Battlestar Galactica, Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon together. I spent a lot of time at my grandmother's house since my mother had to work during the day to make ends meet (my parents divorced when I was five).

My grandmother also owned a fairly simple typewriter with which she wrote her correspondence. It didn't take much for me to grab hold of it as I grew older. I wrote quite a few stories, sometimes handwriting them first and then typing them again to have a neater copy. Well, neater was relative as I managed to hit the wrong keys and had to use correction tape or it got jammed typing too quickly. Nevertheless, I was fascinated by it and eventually decided I would become a writer and write books based on all the stories I'd been exposed to (aside from writing scientific books that is. I still have a book about animals, complete with cover and all, illustrated by little me). By the age of twelve I had a really great idea for a science fiction novel (at least in my mind), wrote pages upon pages and even went as far as sending it all off to a publisher. I received a friendly decline with a few kind words of encouragement to keep writing. Thus was a dream born to one day publish my very own science fiction novel following in the footsteps of my now favorite authors Arthur C. Clarke, Isaac Assimov and David Brin.

The interesting thing about dreams is that we can keep holding on to them for a very long time. During that time our life, and the world around us, changes. And so we carry these dreams along with us, these “one day” wishes, sometimes for many years without necessarily stopping and thinking “what was the motivation for that dream?” Is that really necessary? Shouldn't we just pursue a dream regardless? Well, if that dream formed in early childhood it was influenced by the aforementioned sense of wonder and excitement. We may have lost that sense alas our dream is stuck in limbo.

I am a keen proponent of passion as the driving factor of creativity. But over the past several weeks and months I've come to the conclusion that this is not necessarily the best driving force. What really makes a creative endeavor sustainable is love. Love and passion are relative to each other in the same manner joy and fun are. Passion and fun are short term pleasures usually lasting no longer then a few moments to a day. It's a boost of stimulation, a rush that eventually wears off. When it comes to relationships no lasting bond can be established based on passion alone. There has to be love as love goes far beyond the excitement of the moment. Love carries us through even the roughest times. If we truly, deeply love someone we will stay with them no matter what. When it comes to creativity it isn't much different. If we really love what we do we will keep doing it even if there's trouble, even if there are droughts and dry spells. If what we do is simply a passion we'll eventually lose interest and move on. Figuring out what exactly it is we love helps us to sustain our creative activities.

I'll conclude part one here (a bit of a cliffhanger) and will post part two later this week. Please feel free to share your thoughts on what I've written so far.

Update: As I continue writing I realize it'll be more than two parts. Part two will therefore be posted tomorrow.

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Gateways, originally uploaded by Thorsten Becker.

Alas, I have been severely slacking again. I would have liked to present a great reason for the lack of activity – working on a book that’s almost finished now, some new compositions that I wanted to complete – but it is non thereof. Instead I have spent quite a lot of (head) time over the past weeks with various ideas and projects that went off in different directions though none in the right one. However, this experience (certainly not the first one) made me stop and think and ultimately led to a valuable conclusion as far as my personal creativity is concerned. I want to share it here because some of you might find it interesting as well.

The premise of my conclusion is that while we all inhabit the same planet we do not all live in the same world. We all perceive the world through our own eyes and thus our perception puts all the little bits and pieces of our lives, of encounters and experiences, into a big picture that we call “world”. There is a difference between the outer world and our own unique inner world. While many things are beyond our control in the outer world, as long as we can reconcile our surroundings with our perception, our view of the world and what we feel is right and real, we feel grounded, feel in control. This is an important factor in harnessing our creativity.

We all fall into two basic personality groups: extroverts and introverts. As the words imply extroverts are outwardly focused while introverts are inwardly focused (considering the primary modus operandi). One goes out and brings in, the other goes in and brings out. I fall into the latter category. And here is what I have observed: for those of us who depend foremost on external stimuli going out and experiencing the world is a great way to draw inspiration. I think of painters sitting in the field painting their surroundings, interpreting them as they feel and experience them, putting their own artistic touch on “the world”. I see it as a form of explaining, of making sense, interpreting what is seen, and unseen at times. Contrast that with those who need to step inside, into their minds and souls and who want to share their inside world, the what-ifs and may-bes in which case I think of writers locked up in a room writing for days and days as if driven by a fever dream (such as “The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” by Robert Louis Stevenson).

While both personality types can suffer equally from distraction I found in my case that the less I can reconcile the outside world with my inner world the harder it is for me to be creative and productive. It is as if the world surrounding me prevents me from going inside. And here is where I realized I need to establish “gateways” that allow me to quickly connect with my inner world so as to not run out of creative energy before I even accomplish what I’ve set out to do. So I took a closer look again at what those gateways are for me as they are natural and cannot simply be created, they have always been there.

A funny thing with conclusions is that we often arrive at the same ones at different times and from different angles. I always loved music and knew that it inspires me, but knowing and acting upon it are tow different things, aren’t they? What I didn’t realize is that it’s not just inspiration, music is one of my gateways to the inside world. In fact, it is the most crucial one. If I am not exposed to music for a prolonged period of time I start to feel dull, am unmotivated and lack drive to be creative. Looking back I experienced this many times over the years – my most quiet times where also the most tedious and discouraging ones.

Yet another gateway is inspiring art – illustrations, photographs, paintings, usually with a fantastic twist. Not too long ago I started a few boards on Pinterest on which I collect such imagery off the web (always ensuring I pin directly from the artist’s portfolio, something that’s very important to me). You can follow my boards here to see what I consider inspiring.

I am the most content when I can be creative and therefore need to ensure I keep my gateways close by and distractions that lead me a way to a minimum. It’s, as so many things in life, a work in progress albeit having identified it a much easier one. Of course there is no guarantee there won’t be any prolonged interruptions again on my site (as the Internet itself is a major distraction in my eyes and I have a rather love-hate relationship with it) but if it happens chances now are that I am indeed working on something else (because there is a book to be written and a soundtrack to be composed).

How about you? What drives your creativity? Do you have “gateways” to connect with your inner world?

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