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Are Relationship Ultimatums Ever a Good Idea?

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 06:03:00 +0000

Something that I chance upon on FB that is worth reading.
Disclaimer: I didn't write this and extracted it from Women's Health Magazine

When you've hit a relationship roadblock or you're fed up with some aspect of his behavior, like the way he always blows you off for his friends, it can be very tempting pull out the big guns and tell him to shape up or you'll ship out. But before you pull the trigger on this major decision, you might want to know what's at risk, what other options you have, and what it means when you feel that you have to take an all-or-nothing approach to your relationship. Our experts explain what's up:

Why Ultimatums Don't Work

Sadly, giving an ultimatum is almost never a smart decision—that would be too easy, right? When using this strategy to deal with a relationship issue, especially when it comes to a big commitment like living together or getting married, you might not be giving your bond enough time to grow to a point where your partner feels emotionally ready to take that step, says Jill Weber, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and author ofHaving Sex, Wanting Intimacy. Maybe you're pushing them to propose before they're as psyched about getting married as you are. If so, you could be missing out on an opportunity to learn about their values and strengthen your relationship by discussing your future without a threat, she says. Plus, don't you want them to propose because they want to—not because you made them?

Another reason to avoid forcing him to do something he's not ready for or doesn't want to do at all: It could make him resent you over time, says Christie Hartman Ph.D., behavioral scientist, dating expert, and author ofIt's Not Him, It's You. Sure, you got what you wanted, but chances are they feel trapped and pressured, and they’re likely going to hold onto that feeling of resentment.

But here’s the biggest problem with ultimatums: Even if it’s an empty threat, it can really damage the relationship. That’s because you essentially lose your negotiating power—which is important, since relationships require compromise—when you say you're going to leave if something doesn’t change, and then stay even when nothing changes. "You really have to be prepared to walk away, otherwise they won't take you seriously in the future," says Jane Greer, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.

That said, if you are willing to walk away, the ultimatum may not even be necessary. If the situation is so extreme and nonnegotiable that you cannot be with that person under the current circumstances, then it’s probably time to move on and find someone who does have the same values as you, says Weber.

So What Should You Do Instead?

First, you can try to avoid an ultimatum situation by making sure the lines of communication are wide open and being honest with each other about what you see for the future, says Weber. When you know where each of you stands on the important issues, you probably won’t need an ultimatum to figure out if he’s willing to meet your needs.

But we get it, things happen, and an issue may crop up that you think needs the all-or-nothing treatment. But instead of threatening to walk away if he doesn’t comply, have a deeper conversation about your needs, his needs, and whether or not you’re on the same page. If you’re not seeing eye-to-eye, explain that these things are important to you in a relationship and that you may have to think about moving on if they don’t feel the same way—then let them think about it, says Hartman.

It sounds like an ultimatum, but it’s really giving you both the opportunity to think about what you need from the relationship, rather than saying it’s your way or no way. Your partner will be less likely to just agree with you out of fear (which is a good thing), and at the same time, the thought of losing you may make them consider what they want out of the relationship, says Hartman.

And if you're still not getting anywhere, you can consider setting a deadline of when you’d like to discuss the issue, at which time you’ll need to decide if you can be in a relationship where your partner isn’t meeting your needs, says Greer. This way, you're not committing to leaving, you're only committing to having a discussion and then evaluating. And if you do decide that you are not getting what you want out of your relationship, you really might be better off leaving, she says.

Don't Know Where Else to Express Myself

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 06:41:00 +0000

It's been a while since I came back to you, my good old blog. There was a time when I thought I should just be more outspoken, be a human and talk to a human when I needed somewhere to express myself. Now is the time when I rather vent out in my blog.

I can have all the time to gather my thoughts and explain myself thoroughly without getting misunderstood from a negative standpoint before I even finish or given the benefit of the doubt. Oh my good old blog, how I miss you right now.

I haven't had the time to think a lot in recent years. Not as much as I used to or want to, in my own little bubble where I can just be totally quiet and think. This had somehow cause me to be less patient and more short tempered. I get frustrated because I can't think of a solution when issues cropped up and I don't have enough time to think. This is mostly due to change of lifestyle, environment and responsibilities.

With a recent casual trip to a Buddhist temple made me realise that I have been lost in the world of pursuing for the endless. I still want to hold on to the selflessness teaching of Buddhism. Of course I understand I can never to entirely selfless to everything. But I can try be selfless to my family and love ones.

However, sometimes being selfless still cannot stop others from being frustrated or angry at me for actions or speeches of which I had no ill intention to begin with, however ended up being misconstrued as having an agenda behind. I feel lost. Losing words and losing actions. Silence seems to be the only way to stop an argument from getting worse. Then again, it is not.

I have never had ill intention nor have an agenda behind the action and speeches that I made. I just want to speak out on what I think is right. It is okay if others don't agree with me. I can walk away with that if others don't agree with me. There's no need to start a shouting match to decide who is right and who is wrong. After all, everyone is brought up differently and has very different beliefs.

All I long for, is peace. I am not a perfect being in any way. I say the wrong thing all the time, but never with bad intention. I do not believe a perfect being exist either. It's about being perfectly imperfect and choose not to look at the bad but for the good can we truly attain inner peace.

End of rant. Kthxbai.

Please forgive me

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Tue, 17 Jun 2014 15:44:00 +0000

Please forgive me for not being able to talk to you while you are angry and have to resort to writing because I am always not able to finish making a statement without provoking you into a fit of rage.

Please forgive me for not being a romantic because I repeatedly inform you of the soup I boiled ready for you to drink after a long day's work via Whatsapp and not a post-it note at home.

Please forgive me for being quiet sometimes when we were together because with the stress of being the sole bread winner of my family, striving at work planning to provide you with a better life, apart from the on-going house chores, I just want to be by your side and quietly enjoy you telling me about your day instead of saying something wrong to upset you.

Please forgive me for being quiet sometimes when you lecture me because if neither of us give in on an argument, there will only be losers, no winner.

Please forgive me for being a nag on you on the house chores because sometimes I feel the same as you do, stress and fatigue at work plus other family issues, just wanting to laze around not doing the chores. Someone still has to do it at the end of the day.

Please forgive me for frustrating you with questions about your job sometimes because you work in an industry that I have no experience in, and I am trying to understand what are the stresses that you faced, of which are different from the stresses that I also face in my line of work.

Please forgive me for provoking you into anger because I asked questions that are so obvious to you, but not to me.

Please forgive me for making you mad by constantly challenging you very carefully on statements or facts that you make because you once told me that it is better that I correct you than you become a laughing stock in front of your friends.

Please forgive me for not sticking up for you but instead advising your friend with objectivity to approach you directly if she thinks that you are too close with other man and telling her that to love you means I have to trust you.

Please forgive me for not being able to understand how you say that you cannot trust me anymore because of that message conversation with your friend, but in real fact you stumbled upon my message conversation with your friend that is way down the message list, more than a year ago and require an extra click to view.

Please forgive me, for making your life a misery. But I still love you for who you are, hence I have never wanted you to go through the pain of being at the receiving end of my anger.

Things we learnt in a relationship

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 08 Jun 2014 12:28:00 +0000

Stumble upon the following 10 things a person could learn in a good relationship in FB. You could read the original post here.

I couldn't agree more with these. However, I think the core of this all should be patience. If you have decided to throw yourself into a relationship and expose your vulnerability to that someone you love, why can't you give that person the benefit of the doubt and be patient with him/her?

Many times we jump into conclusion and exploded into a fit of rage before even letting the opposite party finish explaining. This is why I think point #1 couldn't have put in a better context.

1. Misunderstandings are inevitable.

Misunderstandings are going to happen. If you take your partner’s words one way, then learn they meant something totally different, don’t punish them. Let it go. Bringing it up all the time is only going to bruise the relationship and cause communication problems later. Sometimes what you say or do will be taken the wrong way, and you’ll get frustrated that your partner doesn’t understand. Take a step back and realize it’s not a big deal. Misunderstandings are made to be swept under the rug because they’re so minor. They only become problems if you let them grow bigger and mean more in the scope of your relationship. Be laid back and forgive misunderstandings.
No 2 persons are born the same. Even twins are different behaviourally and emotionally. There should be no reason that we expect our partners to behave or feel the same as we do. Hey, even our knowledge of things are different. It is everyone's right voice out his/her opinion, just the same as the rights to be respected. When there's a misunderstanding or understanding cannot be reached, neither raising voices, showing agitation or annoyance nor lecturing your partner will provide an understanding. Matter of fact it only makes the partner recluse or worse case it will only make he/she retaliate with more nasty response.

2. Learn to trust them.

You have to trust your partner. Why would you share your life with someone when you think they’re doing something wrong every time you turn your back? If you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, honest, caring, or anything else, then you’re not in a good relationship. The best relationships begin with a deep trust, and even if problems come up (and they will!), the trust is strong enough to keep you together.

3. Let yourselves miss each other.

You’re in love, so you want to be together all the time! It’s so fun to cuddle all night and be together all day, but when will you have time to experience different things? When you go to separate workplaces or schools, you experience things that will give you something to talk about later. When you go out with your friends and your partner spends time with theirs, you have time and space to yourself and come back to each other refreshed. You have a chance to miss each other, and it helps you really understand the value of your relationship. Missing someone is great because getting to see them after that period will make you so happy and so sure of your relationship.

4. Encourage growth and change.

In a good relationship, both partners are encouraged to grow and change. You have one life to live – you should explore it to the fullest! If you want to quit your job and go back to school, your partner should support you. If you want to try something new or go back to something old, you should find support in your relationship. And you should give this support in return. Encourage your partner to explore hobbies and interests and meet new people. If you want your partner to stay the same, you’re going to have a very boring life together.

5. Compromising doesn’t mean you’re weak.

Compromising doesn’t mean “giving in.” It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost the fight. In fact, it’s the opposite. Do you know how hard it is to compromise sometimes? You want your way because it sounds right and makes sense to you. Your partner is way off base with their suggestions. Take a step back and look at the argument diplomatically. What’s the logical conclusion? If your partner is right, don’t be afraid to say so. Accept their way, or modify both of your solutions to be half and half. The important thing is not getting your way, it’s staying in your relationship and helping it grow. Compromising will definitely help your relationship grow.
It's always hard to admit to things that we had done or opinionated wrongly. As couples spent more time together, it's only get tougher. But this is the small thing that makes a different. Sometimes saying sorry doesn't mean you are the one at wrong, but you are willing to compromise and pretend to be wrong because your partner is worth more than being on the winning side of a disagreement.

6. Admit your weaknesses.

Your partner doesn’t expect you to be a superhero, and hopefully you don’t expect that of them! We’re all human; we all have flaws. It’s ok to let these show. In fact, to have a stable, serious relationship, you need to let your weaknesses be known. Your partner will be more sensitive to things that bother you, and can help build you up in areas where you need some help.

7. Sometimes you can only accept things, not fix them.

People have baggage. You have some. Your partner has some. Can you go back and erase all of this? Nope! You’re stuck with it, and have to learn to deal with it. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the reality is that sometimes, you can’t fix things. You can’t make problems go away. You have to accept them and get over them and move on, or else your relationship will crumble.
Problems exist everywhere and on everything. At work, most problems can be fixed, but still when it comes to human emotion like customer experience, not all problems can be solved. What more when it comes to relationship when the parties involved are both human. It is learning to let go and understand sometimes the good outweigh the bad.

8. Forgive quickly and truly.

Whenever you have a fight, don’t worry about who wins or who loses. Learn from the fight – from what was said as much as from how it was resolved. Once you learn from a fight, you can apply that lesson to your relationship to avoid trouble later. That’s all well and good, but you’re not done! Forgive your partner! Forgive yourself. The fight is over, you’re past it, now let it go. Never hold anything against your partner because the resentment will build until you don’t want to be with them.

9. Never expect anything.

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, or to bring you breakfast in bed, or to offer to wash the dishes. It’s not going to happen. You can’t expect anything from anyone – you have to make it known. Communicate. Make sure your partner knows what you expect from the relationship, as well as your opinions on a wide variety of issues. This will help them act considerate towards you, but still – don’t expect anything!

10. Show your feelings.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games. Don’t tease your partner; don’t “reward” good deeds with love and affection. You have to make sure your partner always feels loved. You can be happy with them or be mad at them – it doesn’t matter – they just need to feel loved. They need to know your feelings in the moment as well, don’t get me wrong. But make sure you’re showing your feelings in a way that they won’t be misunderstood (back to #1!).

House Chores

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 23 Mar 2014 06:53:00 +0000

I have been living by myself for 15 years now. House chores like sweeping, mopping, dusting and changing the sheets has been part and partial of everyday life. However, I still hated doing all these. I believe many people hated it too.

However it does not mean then they we should just not do it. As I was changing my queen size bedsheet and quilt cover this morning, I was thinking to myself, wouldn't it be nice if there were someone there to do these together with me. At least effort and dismay of doing chores will be divided by half.

Just random ranting.

Almost 2 years hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 13:05:00 +0000

It has been almost 2 years. So much had happened since. In March 2013, I decided to return to KL calling it quit on Singapore after my 1 year contract ended. It was a decision based on my situation then of which was what I would put it as lost in my career path and taking on a better role, and I thought it was. Being a manager of 191 staff, with half of what used to earn in Singapore and limitless challenges, it really spurred me on at the beginning until I have to raise the flag on my own manager that I would describe as intellectually incompetent and again feeling it was going to be a intellectually challenging career.

Such is the irony of life. Then I started receiving calls from head hunters from Singapore on various job opportunities. And the rest as they would call it, "it was all history". Took up an offer Singapore and here I am back to the land of kiasu but with a very perspective and much more appreciation working in a company with lesser pressure, lesser pay than previously in Singapore but much more satisfaction and balance in life.

So, there. A 22 months worth of update in a few paragraphs. Hopefully I can start to be motivated again to pen about my life more often. Especially now that I have bought this bluetooth keyboard to motivate myself to write without having to sit in front of the laptop, of which I am lazy to do nowadays with convenient of an iPad. Actually it's more of an excuse to buy new toy! Haha.

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:45:00 +0000

I have stumble upon this great sharing on FB. Have a read. I have decided to share it in my blog so that I get to remind myself when I feel down, when I need that smack on my cheek to wake up from negativity and when I doubt myself.

I do not own this article. You can find the original from PurposeFairy.com

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT

There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. GIVE UP ON BLAME

Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. GIVE UP YOUR SELF-DEFEATING SELF-TALK

Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. GIVE UP YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS

about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. GIVE UP COMPLAINING

Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. GIVE UP THE LUXURY OF CRITICISM

Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO IMPRESS OTHERS

Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. GIVE UP YOUR RESISTANCE TO CHANGE

Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. GIVE UP LABELS

Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. GIVE UP ON YOUR FEARS

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. GIVE UP YOUR EXCUSES

Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. GIVE UP THE PAST

I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. GIVE UP ATTACHMENT

This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. GIVE UP LIVING YOUR LIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Why?

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 13 May 2012 17:30:00 +0000

Why the most matured always have to be the tough one?
Why people always perceive the tough one will always be fine, so they are always given the shorter end of the straw?

Does anyone know it is those tough and mature ones that needed the most care and love because it is hard being everyone's pillar but to end up not having pillars of their own? No matter how tough a person is, there will be a day he/she gets tired and wish for a safety port.

You can't lose what you don't own

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:59:00 +0000

It's been almost a year since I posted a blog titled "what we don't bring, we can't take away". Today I have to remind myself again not to hold it so tightly on things. If I remind myself I never own it to begin with, I shouldn't be afraid to lose it at all.

I'm back again

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 13:22:00 +0000

Took the opportunity of being at Taipei for a business trip to go to Jiou Fen (Jiu Fen). I love the most about this place is a particular tea house. Chinese type.

It was 2 years ago when I was here with my mate Tai, his now fiancé and my then gf. It was nostalgic being here 2 years later, the different thing this time around were that I was there by myself, my then gf is now someone else's fiancé and even though I'm still sitting at exactly the same table with exactly the same scenery, I wasn't smoking like the first time I was there.

It's amazing how much have change since 2 years ago, not the place but the people.

Burnt out

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 11:45:00 +0000

When I'm all stressed out, tired, moody and emo, all I want is to lie beside her and to listen to how her day went by.

Calling it quit

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:22:00 +0000

It has been exactly 3 months since I had my last cigarette. I had called it a quit and I have maintained it without sucking one, though it was kinda tough in the beginning nonetheless I've made it through.

First Business Trip

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 23:23:00 +0000

In about an hour's time I'm going to make my first business trip for this new company. Im going to Taipei. Things in this company ticks differently, traveling is by claim basis instead of allowances basis.

Anyhow, it does feel there's a lot at stake here. Seems like my 2 bigger bosses are quite anxious to see how I perform and at the same time fear that I'll make a fool out of myself. I think the Indian colleagues whom I'm going Taipei to help seems intimidated when I was assigned to this project. I suppose most people would too if a new guy is assigned to you in the midst of your project, because people will tend to think that they are doing a good enough job that's why help is sent.

Anyhow, all I can do is to perform my best and let nature takes its course. Fingers crossed!

Life Changing

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:27:00 +0000

Exactly 2 weeks ago, I made one of the biggest move so far in my life. March 10th, 2012 I moved to Singapore. Starting a new routine, new environment, new country, new job, new company, new responsibility and most importantly a new life.

The new colour in life is white and blue... gone was the white and red. So far it has been great experience. I still feel I'm charged and excited with all these changes and challenges. Being patient and tackling one challenge at a time. After all, as people say, the 3 biggest changes in life is to change job, change home and getting married, I have placed myself in 2 of it.

It has been great so far with tonnes of help and advises from friends and dear. Without them I wouldn't have been able to settle down so quickly and smoothly. Thank you all. Thank you dear.

Let this be the beginning of a great great journey in life!

Mama said...

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 04:46:00 +0000

Something that I stumbled upon in FB that I would like to share...

媽媽這樣對出嫁的女兒說:
Māmā zhèyàng duì chūjià de nǚ'ér shuō:
Mama told her bride to be daughter as such:

媽媽說，生氣的時候不要吵架，可以不說話，不洗他衣服，但是，不要和他吵架。
Māmā shuō, shēngqì de shíhou bùyào chǎojià, kěyǐ bù shuōhuà, bù xǐ tā yīfú, dànshì, bùyào hé tā chǎojià.
Mama said, don't quarrel when you are angry, you can be silent, ignore the laundry, but do not quarrel with him.

媽媽說，和男人吵架了不要跑到外面去張揚，他向你邁進一步，你就向他走兩步。
Māmā shuō, hé nánrén chǎo jià liǎo bùyào pǎo dào wàimiàn qù zhāngyáng, tā xiàng nǐ mài jìnyībù, nǐ jiù xiàng tā zǒu liǎng bù.
Mama said, don't publicise to the world when you quarrel with your man, when he wants you to take 1 step towards him, you march 2 steps towards him instead.

媽媽說，家是女人的大本營，發生什麼事情都不要走。因為，回來路的很難。
Māmā shuō, jiā shì nǚrén de dàběnyíng, fāshēng shénme shìqíng dōu bùyào zǒu. Yīnwèi, huílái lù de hěn nán.
Mama said, home is a woman's safety port, do not walk away no matter what happen. This is because the road to return is tough.

媽媽說，兩個人在家不要老想著面子，兩個人過日子，面子很重要？那在外面怎麼生活？
Māmā shuō, liǎng gèrén zàijiā bùyào lǎo xiǎngzhe miànzi, liǎng gèrén guòrìzi, miànzi hěn zhòngyào? Nà zài wàimiàn zěnme shēnghuó?
Mama said, a couple should not be egoistic towards each other. If ego is so important when you are living under the same roof, what will happen when you have to make a living out there?

媽媽說，不管一個男人多有錢，他還是希望可以看到乾乾淨淨的你在乾乾淨淨地家等他。
Māmā shuō, bùguǎn yīgè nánrén duō yǒu qián, tā háishì xīwàng kěyǐ kàn dào gān gānjìng jìng de nǐ zài gān gānjìng jìng de jiā děng tā.
Mama said, no matter how wealthy a man is, we would still yearn to see a pleasant you waiting for him in the your comfortable home.

媽媽說，好男人很多，他不會去抱別的女人。但是這種社會，很多壞女人會伸手去抱你的男人。
Māmā shuō, hǎo nánrén hěnduō, tā bù huì qù bào bié de nǚrén. Dànshì zhè zhǒng shèhuì, hěnduō huài nǚrén huì shēnshǒu qù bào nǐ de nánrén.
Mama said, there are plenty of good men out there. He may not go around hugging other girls. However in the current society, there are plenty of ill intention women who will reach out to hug your man.

媽媽說，女人一定要出去工作，不管錢賺得多或是少，工作就是自己人生價值的體現。你一直在家，男人有機會在你面前說：“是我在養你。”
Māmā shuō, nǚrén yīdìng yào chūqù gōngzuò, bùguǎn qián zhuàn de duō huò shì shǎo, gōngzuò jiùshì zìjǐ rénshēng jiàzhí de tǐxiàn. Nǐ yīzhí zàijiā, nánrén yǒu jīhuì zài nǐ miànqián shuō:“Shì wǒ zài yǎng nǐ.”
Mama said, woman should have her own career. No matter how much you earn, to career is a reflection of the life value. If you always staying at home, your man has the chance say, "It is I who are providing for you."

媽媽說，你在外面工作，家裏的事情再忙也要做，不然花自己的錢請個鐘點工。家裏的事情一定要好好做，小孩也要好好教。
Māmā shuō, nǐ zài wàimiàn gōngzuò, jiā lǐ de shìqíng zài máng yě yào zuò, bùrán huā zìjǐ de qián qǐng gè zhōngdiǎngōng. Jiā lǐ de shìqíng yīdìng yào hǎohǎo zuò, xiǎohái yě yào hǎohǎo jiào.
Mama said, you should not neglect the house chores no matter how occupied you are with your career, otherwise spend money on a part-time cleaner. House chores should be well taken care of and children should be well taught and mannered.

媽媽說，他為你做了意想不到的事情，你可以感動，可以誇獎，千萬不要嘲諷地說“太陽從西邊出來了啊”，如果這樣，以後他不會為你做任何事情。
Māmā shuō, tā wèi nǐ zuòle yì xiǎngbùdào de shìqíng, nǐ kěyǐ gǎndòng, kěyǐ kuājiǎng, qiānwàn bùyào cháofèng de shuō “tàiyáng cóng xībian chūláile a”, rúguǒ zhèyàng, yǐhòu tā bù huì wèi nǐ zuò rènhé shìqíng.
Mama said, be touched and praise him when he surprise you with something pleasant. Do not sneer and say "the sun must be rising from the west today". If that's what you said, he will never do anything for you again.

媽媽說，誰都不是誰的另一半，你的想法不說出來誰會瞭解？需要什麼感受，討厭什麼事情，你告訴別人，別人才會懂。
Māmā shuō, shuí dōu bùshì shuí de lìng yībàn, nǐ de xiǎngfǎ bù shuō chūlái shuí huì liǎojiě? Xūyào shénme gǎnshòu, tǎoyàn shénme shìqíng, nǐ gàosu biérén, bié réncái huì dǒng.
Mama said, no one is literally the other's better half, when you don't talk about your thoughts no one will understand. Others will know only if you tell them the type of expression you need and things that you don't like.

媽媽說，他的父母也是你的父母，就算他的父母對你不是很好，你也要對他們好。因為他們是他的父母。
Māmā shuō, tā de fùmǔ yěshì nǐ de fùmǔ, jiùsuàn tā de fùmǔ duì nǐ bùshì hěn hǎo, nǐ yě yào duì tāmen hǎo. Yīnwèi tāmen shì tā de fùmǔ.
Mama said, his parents are your parents too. You have to treat his parents with respect no matter how they mistreat you. This is because they are his parents.

媽媽說，決定和什麼人在一起了，就不要去埋怨苦日子，既然你選擇了他，就不要去埋怨他。
Māmā shuō, juédìng hé shénme rén zài yīqǐle, jiù bùyào qù mányuàn kǔ rìzi, jìrán nǐ xuǎnzéle tā, jiù bùyào qù mányuàn tā.
Mama said, once you have decided who you want to spend your life with do not complain about a tough life. Since you have made your decision do not grumble at him.

媽媽說，那麼有錢有什麼用，人呢？人在哪里？
Māmā shuō, nàme yǒu qián yǒu shé me yòng, rén ne? Rén zài nǎlǐ?
Mama said, so what if he is wealthy? Where is he?

媽媽說，我們這輩子能花多少錢？不要買什麼奢侈品，過得幸福就好。
Māmā shuō, wǒmen zhè bèi zǐ néng huā duōshǎo qián? Bù yāo mǎi shénme shēchǐ pǐn,guò de xìngfú jiù hǎo.
Mama said, how much can we spend in a whole lifetime? Live a blessed and happy life is what you need, not a luxurious material life.

媽媽說，不要唬小孩“媽媽不要你”，不要生氣地時候把小孩推出門，如果他真的不見了，你會很痛苦。
Māmā shuō, bùyào hu xiǎohái “māmā bùyào nǐ”, bùyào shēngqì dì shíhou bǎ xiǎohái tuīchū mén, rúguǒ tā zhēn de bùjiànle, nǐ huì hěn tòngkǔ.
Mama said, do not threaten your kids with "I don't want you anymore". Do not push him out the door when you are furious of the things they do. This is because you will be in pain if you really lose them.

媽媽說，不要打小孩，更不要在外面打。
Māmā shuō, bùyào dǎ xiǎohái, gèng bùyào zài wàimiàn dǎ.
Mama said, do not use physical punishment on your kids. Worse still to do it in public.

媽媽說，打打殺殺的愛很刺激，也很浪漫。但是，不現實。普通就好。
Māmā shuō, dǎ dǎ shā shā de ài hěn cìjī, yě hěn làngmàn. Dànshì, bù xiànshí. Pǔtōng jiù hǎo.
Mama said, dramatic relationship is exciting and romantic. However it is unrealistic. Ordinary one will do.

媽媽說，什麼都是緣分。
Māmā shuō, shénme dōu shì yuánfèn.
Mama said, it is fate that brings people together.

媽媽說，生命無常，要好好珍惜每一天。
Māmā shuō, shēngmìng wúcháng, yào hǎohǎo zhēnxī měi yītiān.
Mama said, treasure everyday because life is fickle and fragile.

30 Things to Start/Stop Doing to Yourself

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:55:00 +0000

Received another good reading from a friend recently. 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself and 30 Things to Start Doing.

Everything is very true. I have had numerous friends who talked to me over time about life in every aspect. This read really sums it all on the advice I always gave them. Have a read on the links.

I agree with every single piece of it, but I will quote a few that I love most from the "Things to Stop".

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

And for the "Things to Start", I love these:

Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.

Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Regrets

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 07:32:00 +0000

This is something I saw and thought I would share. These are definitely the reasons why I'm trying my best to take risks in life. Enjoy the read.

Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a
result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical
details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.
That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

范瑋琪 - 最重要的決定 (Fan Wei Qi- Zui Zhong Yao de Jue Ding)

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 09:00:00 +0000

我常在想应该再也找不到
wo chang zai xiang ying gai zai ye zhao bu dao
I have always thought to myself, I can't find

任何人像你对我那么好
ren he ren xiang ni dui wo na me hao
anyone that can treat me as well as you do

好到我的家人也被照料
hao dao wo de jia ren ye bei zhao liao
so well that my family has also been tended to

我的朋友还为你撑腰
wo de peng you hai wei ni cheng yao
even my friends rally behind you

你还是有一堆毛病改不掉
ni hai shi you yi dui mao bing gai bu diao
you still have some shortcomings that cannot be changed

拗起来气得仙女都跳脚
ao qi lai qi de xian nuu dou tiao jiao
once you show your stubbornness, even the fairy will have a stomping fit

可是人生完美的事太少
ke shi ren sheng wan mei de shi tai shao
however, perfections in life are rare

我们不能什么都想要
wo men bu neng shen me dou xiang yao
we cannot have everything

*你是我最重要的决定
ni shi wo zui zhong yao de jue ding
You are my most important decision

我愿意
wo yuan yi
I do

每天在你身边苏醒
mei tian zai ni shen bian su xing
to wake up beside you everyday

就连吵架也很过瘾
jiu lian chao jia ye hen guo yin
even having a quarrel is gratifying

不会冷冰
bu hui leng bing
and not cold or lonely

因为真爱没有输赢
yin wei zhen ai mei you shu ying
it is because real love does not need a winner nor a loser

只有亲密
zhi you qin mi
just intimacy

你是我最重要的决定
ni shi wo zui zhong yao de jue ding
You are my most important decision

我愿意
wo yuan yi
I do

打破对未知的恐惧
da po dui wei zhi de kong ju
to break away from the fear of the unknown

就算流泪也能放晴
jiu suan liu lei ye neng fang qing
even when I cry, I feel relieved

将心比心
jiang xin bi xin
heart to heart

因为幸福没有捷径
yin wei xing fu mei you jie jing
it is because there is no shortcut to happiness

只有经营
zhi you jing ying
there should only be both's careful love

Being Double Standard

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:18:00 +0000

I have to admit sometimes, but rarely I am being double standard to my family. What I mean is there are times when I could throw tantrums at my family when they were showing concerns and asked me lots of questions on the issue that I face. But everytime after I did, I regretted it the very moment did it.

I always ask myself why I have to be double standard to the ones I love. If it were my friends who asked, I would have tell them things in a calm manner and when they do not understand I would patiently explain things to them. Even more so if that person were to be my girlfriend.

That's why I rarely throw my tantrums at my family. Because I understand that they are not the cause of my problem and they asked questions because they care and love me. When someone loves me, doesn't mean it gives me the right to throw the weight that I'm supporting on my shoulder onto them. Where else it should be the case where I'm able to share my weight with that person, even if it means he/she can only listen and cannot do anything about it. By just being there to listen to me is already the best gift.

I'm not perfect, so I still do the same mistake once in many many years. But I reminded myself everytime when I'm talking to my family or my love one at times when I had a shitty day, that these are the people whom I go to when the world seems to forsake me.

So think twice before we start shouting or feel annoyed when someone we care about very much asked how's our day at work or life on a bad day. If they are the people that you care enough to share your burden with, it means they are the same people whom you will regret for not appreciating them while they are around. If they are the people who stuck around with you through the darkest hour, don't they deserve more patience than what your friends deserve? It's not just to our family, but it should be to everyone that we love and care for, be it our spouse or partner.

Forgetful Human

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 12:14:00 +0000

Have you ever been in the situation where it might involves your work, friendship, relationship or family that made you realise that you have taken things for granted? After talking to those involved you suddenly realise that you have forgotten how to be grateful for the little things people have done for you and things that you have in life. You realise that it's too late now, you have lose that thing you owned or person you love in life forever.

It's like a wake up call. Then suddenly you felt that you got a tight slap on the face and determine to change things to become a better person. You swore to yourself that you will not do something that you will regret in your life ever again. You become very conscious and constantly keeping yourself in check and making sure you appreciate every moment in life that you are alive and be grateful of the people you love in your life. Don't we all do that?

Then weeks or months past. Now you've forgotten what you set out to do. You are back to where you were again. When your friends ask why you are back to square one again and you would probably go to the extend to tell them this, "Fark off! I don't give a damn on what you think. I'm tired of trying to make people feel happy. I want to be happy myself." You got so frustrated with your work, your life and whatever that is going on around you that put you so low in mood that you think by being grateful and appreciative is all about making sure others around you are happy, but not you.

Come on! Stop kidding yourself. No matter how much shopping or self pampering spa or vacation you treat yourself to, you still feel something is amiss in your life. It's like a hole that you keep trying to fill up with the money you spent on yourself and surround yourself with the so called surface friends, of which at the end of the day you still feel empty inside.

What you've forgotten is that, to begin with, it is not about making other people happy. It is all about making sure that you don't take things for granted in life and live to regret it. The fundamental thing is still about making yourself happy by being grateful and appreciative of your surroundings. Then the vicious cycle repeat itself again when you lose something or someone important in life.

Human are forgetful. The tough thing in life is not about finding your weaknesses or ways to turn yourself into a better person. It is about being "consistent" at making yourself a better person. Now sit down, think it through. Slap yourself a few times if need to. Are you that person?

I think at some point in life, we all are. It is when we become "consistent" that we become "mature".

When we face vulnerability in the eye

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 11:56:00 +0000

"The problem is, and I learned this from the research, that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You cannot say, ‘Here’s the bad stuff. Here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana-nut muffin. I don’t want to feel these.’ … You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects or emotions. So when we numb those, we numb joy. We numb gratitude. We numb happiness. And then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning. And then we feel vulnerable so we have a couple of beers and a banana-nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle." - Dr. Brene Brown

The feeling is mutual

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 04:24:00 +0000

Expectation... It is a mutual feeling. It's something that build over time and like many thing else, it will not built on itself unless it is being fed with hope and possibility.

At the end of the day, expectation grows when an expectation started from the opposite party, be it your boss, your staff even your love ones. It's a 2-way road. Not always a 1-way road. So before the blame game starts, think about what expectation you have that started the spark of the opposite party's expectation. When there is cause, there is effect.

What's the purpose of my life?

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 11:09:00 +0000

It's been crappy in life recently. Life in general. I have the feeling of, "what am I fighting for?". At work I have this burning question, "does money really mean so much that I have to sacrifice my happiness at a job that doesn't yield satisfaction?"

At the end of the day, what do I want to achieve in life. What do I want? What's the purpose of my life?

Will earning a lot of money will make me happy? I suppose, but not when the earning money process is taking away my life. And to be honest, I can foresee myself living a simple life, provided I have someone I love by my side.

What's the purpose of my life? To be happy and then make everyone else happy. I suppose...

To love is a chore

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 17:21:00 +0000

When you love someone, it's not only about loving the easy-to-love part of that person, but it is also loving the not-so-easy-to-love part of that person.

When you choose to love, you will have to love the person in good time and in bad time. It's a chore to love. It's a job to love. You just cannot unlove the person because he/she did something wrong. Your brain will tell you one thing but your heart will tell you otherwise.

So, if you love a person, it's a job and a chore to love not only the good of that person, but also the bad. This is what you would call, "loving he/she for who he/she is and will ever be".

Food for thought for everyone to think about what relationship is all about.

Emotional roller coaster

noreply@blogger.com (aboo) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 18:03:00 +0000

What can I say about my life? It's just full of excitement!

Job's getting tougher and having a new boss who don't know where to start to provide for support. But that's fine, I know what I signed up for and why I'm being paid for what I do. I just have to get used to the new found stress, building the plane while I'm flying it and hope I get to a safe landing after that.

Meanwhile, my oh-so-loyal car finally gave up on me after 7.5 yrs at the age of 20. Cost of bringing it back to life is not even worthwhile anymore. So I will have to part with the money to pay for downpayment for a Perodua MyVi. At the same time I'm paying a huge sum for my Melbourne trip. So, everything just couldn't have happen at a "better" time. *being sarcastic*

Then there is other thing in life that I just don't know what to do and what else I can about anymore. There's nothing I can do about it from the beginning anyway. You can't lose something that you never own.

Great!!! I bet ya there's tonnes of people out there who are so jealous about how interesting and exciting my life is right now. Woooo hooooo!!!

Like what they always say, "what can't kill you, makes you stronger"!!!
Life is so beautiful!