The Moore You Know

I can't think of a title....

2012-01-31T22:12:00.000-05:00

I was emailing with my buddy, Bull, today and mentioned that I don’t know if I’d continue blogging. My reasons: I used to write while at work, but now my job requires thought so I can’t fit it in. After work, I have an hour commute which means I don’t have as much family time, so any extra time at home I spend with the kiddos or LB. In short, I rarely get ideas anymore and when I do I don’t have time to write about them.

Ok, that last paragraph seemed a little complainy. My bad. But the thought of not blogging anymore made me a little sad. So I’m making one last ditch effort while LB watches a DVR'd episode of What Not to Wear.

I don’t have anything to write about so I’m just going to spit my flow freestyle. FYI-that was rap talk for stream of consciousness. FYI-that was fancy talk for I’m going to make stuff up as I go.

Here goes:

I think the 5 second rule should vary in length depending on where you are. My dirt is not as nasty as the dirt in QT bathroom.

Speaking of QT bathrooms, I think there should be sensors on the floors around the urinals that buzz when they detect stray urine. If you can go to the bathroom and don’t get buzzed, you win a free fountain drink. This promotes clean bathrooms so the employees won’t have to clean it as much and we get a free drink to replenish the fluids we just disposed of. It’s a win for everybody involved. Except people could just walk in, stand in the corner, say they went to the bathroom, and walk out to get a free drink. So I guess there would have to be a way to verify you actually went to the bathroom. That is where this idea proposal gets awkward. Obviously this has not been thought out, that is what stream of consciousness is, guys.

I judge a man when he is the only one in the bathroom and he is using the low urinal. I’m not saying it is right. I probably shouldn’t be saying it at all. I know that is probably because someone was at the normal urinal when he came in, but still, I judge him.

Ok, I’m stopping this now, I dont like where it is headed. I had envisioned me making fun of What Not to Wear, but as soon as I started typing I dropped my heart shaped Reese’s cup on the floor but ate it anyway and then somehow started talking about urinals. I’m not sure how that happened.

My blog and I had a good run, and honestly, I’d hate for this post to be the way we go out. Even the title is bad. We’ll see what happens.

Stay classy, internet.

Echoes in the Pines

2012-01-18T11:19:00.004-05:00

Apparently we are supposed to blackout out our websites today because of soap or something. As with most things I am not informed enough about what is going on to form an opinion so I am going to choose to ignore everything. It has worked so far in life.

Plus, if I didn’t post today I couldn’t tell you about my blog buddy, David Robbins, new digital album. Echoes in the Pines. Full disclosure: there are things I like and things I do not like about his album. I like the name because I think echoes are cool, if you say something you like you get to hear it multiple times. I don’t like the fact that it is digital, therefore making it impossible to hang on my rear view mirror.

You may remember David as the man who took Urkel as the first overall draft pick in last year's TV March Madness Tournament. But In an effort for you to get to know David better and hopefully listen to his music, and hopfullier buy his music and hopefulliest make him rich and famous, I conducted a very serious, quite formal interview with him.

1) Tell me a little about yourself and how you decided to pursue music as a career.

I started writing songs at 13. It came more naturally than learn others' songs and I enjoyed it more. It was a proper outlet for me as a kid. As I got older, I think it just helped me cope with the crap life throws at you sometimes. It helps me process. As far as it being a career, I don't want to assume I'm that good yet. I'd like to but it seems a bit pretentious.

2) I lost my job and moved furniture, you lost your job and create music…does that make you a better person than me?

No. You can no doubt bench press more than me and would win in a bare knuckle fight. You are a real man. I'm a pansy songwriter.

3) Who are your biggest musical influences?

Townes Van Zandt. Leonard Cohen. Johnny Cash. Those guys all had a way with breaking your heart.

4) What is the saddest chord on the guitar? Why?

That's tough. I think it's a toss up between C and A-Minor. Every song that makes me cry has those two chords in it. They've been sprinkled with magical depression dust.

5) I’ve often considered singing to be the same as talking, only taking longer to say the words. Thoughts?

Correct. Crap. I'm out of the job now.

6) What is your favorite song? Musician? Album?

Chelsea Hotel #2 by Leonard Cohen is definitely one of my favorites. That and the entire Rain Dogs album by Tom Waits. Pure gold.

7) Flava Flav wears a big clock around his neck. I think all musicians should wear oversized household objects around their necks. Though, I would wear something more useful such as a cutlery set, however I am not a musician. What are going to you wear around your neck now that you are a musician?

A lawnmower. Or a chainsaw. Or a sewing machine. Something manly.

8) Have you ever considered going on American Idol? If so, would you wear a bee costume or a bikini top, or something else as equally zany?

Probably the sewing machine. That's it.

9) If one of your songs were turned into a dance song, like the Macarena or the Stanky Legg, would a shimmy be involved?

Probably. But there would most likely be whiskey involved. So maybe not so much of a shimmy as a stupor.

10) Other than acts like Rascal Flatts, Taylor Swift, and Justin Bieber, what other musician's popularity is evidence that western civilization is doomed?

I actually respect Taylor Swift. She's a great songwriter for what she does. But other than that, Katy Perry. She is destroying our children's futures.

11) Do any of your songs "feat." guest rappers in the bridge?

Yes. Drake is on track 24.

11) My wife can play the tin whistle. Would you like to hear it?

More than anything ever, Boss Hogg!

12) I am pretty good at eating, one time I thought about this great invention where you build refrigerators with a mirrored back. This way, you wouldn’t ever not be able see food that might be hiding behind the gallon jug of milk. You are pretty good at music. Have you ever thought of an invention to improve your trade?

I thought of hooking myself up to an IV with chicken and smoothies in it, yes.

13) Did you ever consider changing your stage name to something awesome, like Sting or George Strait?

I thought about changing it to Bertram McFatFat. Thoughts?

14) One good way to get publicity is to have a very public feud with another artist. Who are you going to feud with, and how?

Tyler Tarver. We're going to slap fight like girls in Victoria's Secret.

15) I have been listening to your album while writing these questions. You are like, good and stuff. And I mean it, I’m not just saying that because this whole post is to get people to buy your music. Also, this really isn't a question so you can answer it by saying anything you want next, preferably something pleasant about me?

You are a gentle lover (of the arts), Scott Moore.

So there you go, I hope you enjoyed it.
I’m not sure if you could tell or not but I don’t know much about music. I’m secretly a sports talk addict. Honestly, it was hard not to end every question with “Now, I’ll hang up and listen.” HOWEVER, I really did/do enjoy David’s music and am not just saying that because if I didn’t he would write a song dishonoring or otherwise belittling me much like Taylor Swift does about all of her ex-boyfriends. I would totally listen to Ballad of Ben McLain over the breakdown of the Tennesee Titans’s second string offensive line.

PS. David’s name is David Robbins. If we were friends in real life I would call him Dobby, like from Harry Potter. This is probably why we are only blog friends.

PPS. I like Bertram McFatFat but would alter it just a bit to Bertram McFats-a-lot. To widen your demographic, obviously.

PPPS. Doing this reminded me of how much I enjoy interviewing people. If you have something to promote and would like for me to interview you for my sevens of readers. Please email me or leave a comment.

The first post of 2012 on January 9, so things are same as usual around here.

2012-01-09T13:55:00.003-05:00

So it’s 2012, and I got nothing.

I think it is because on Christmas morning, after opening all of her presents, Ada looked up at LB and me and genuinely proclaimed “It was everything I dreamed it would be.” At that point, I think my brain just chalked life up to a win and stopped working.

Still, my last post has Christmas in the title and sadly, Christmas is no longer topical. If you’ve read my blog for long, you know I like for things to be topical so I have this mounting pressure to post something despite not having anything to post. It is very problematic.

This post is what you get.

On the way to work this morning I passed a car that had a bumper sticker that read “140.6”. I didn’t know what that was so I googled it when I got to the office. Then it made sense as to why I didn’t know what that was. It’s the total distance covered in an Ironman race, including the run, swim, and bike ride.

I think the bumper stick is kind of tacky, myself. I mean, a few weeks ago I watched the entire first season of The Walking Dead on Netflix streaming, which is quite the accomplishment if you ask me and probably about the same time commitment as your little race, but you don’t see me defacing my car in an effort to inform the world of my accomplishment. Come on, Ironmen, have some class. Plus, why do you even have a car? If you are that proud of the fact that you can travel 140.6 miles without the aid of a vehicle then you should just run everywhere you go. It is more widely accepted to run with your shirts off, than drive around with them off anyway.

That last sentence was intended for men. Ladies, shirts are always a requirement for you. I shouldn't have to clarify these types of things.

Speaking of running, a while back, I wrote a guest post for Tyler Stanton’s site Reluctant Runners. I never really spoke about it here because it is about something I’m not proud of – how my relationship with Laura Beth is founded on lies and deception.

Also, I just found out last week a few of my friends will be running in the Nashville Half-Marathon. I thought about signing up and running with them, then I remembered that I am me. But in all seriousness, I do want to do a better job at being healthy. I plan on making some resolutions. But not now. Not in January. That is so cliché.

PS – if you are an Ironman, I was just kidding about anything above that may have offended you. You are a better person than me. Just in case you don’t find this disclaimer acceptable and want to do physical harm to me, I think I should let you know that over the Christmas break I did beat my dad in an arm wrestling competition. So…..

Do you have any bumper stickers on your car?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously.

Christmas Potpourri. Warning: This post has nothing to do with Christmas. Or potpourri. I just called it that because sometimes Jeopardy has a category called “Potpourri” that includes a bunch of miscellaneous junk.

2011-12-21T13:25:00.003-05:00

-Fun Facts revolving around the title of this post: 1) I spelled potpourri and miscellaneous correctly on the first try. 2) My record of correct answers while watching Jeopardy is 26.

You are probably not as impressed with either of these as I am.

-I woke up late this morning so I was running behind. In effort to make up time, I was brushing my teeth and applying deodorant at the same time. Unfortunately, in my rush I got mixed up when I switched underarms and used my toothbrush as if it were a stick of deodorant. On the plus side, I get a new toothbrush without having to go to the dentist. Yay!

-Those are two totally different things for most of us, Antonio.

-Last weekend I watched Super 8 and Crazy Stupid Love. CSL was much better than I thought it would be going into it and there was one scene about 3/4 of the way through that I had to pause because I was laughing so hard. It is hard for me to recommend though because of one of the storylines and especially the way that storyline ended. However it was good to see my blog friend Tyler Tarver in a movie. (Sideburn Collective 4 Life!). I also enjoyed Super 8. It reminded me of that time I made a movie several years ago.

- My most favoritest tweet that I ever tweeted: Given our current economic status, I wonder if LFO would now settle for girls who were Aeropostale.

-Last Tuesday I was on the radio. I won four tickets to an advanced screening of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I called into my local AM sports talk show and played a game they call Mind Melt. They give you a topic and you have 10 seconds to list 5 things. They had run out of questions by the time they got to me so they made something up on the fly, my topic was: “Name 5 actors taller than Tom Cruise”

I laughed, then went blank and paused and uuuh'ed for about 4 seconds, which I am sure made for compelling radio. Then suddenly all of my favorite man movies came to mind so I started spitting them off: Will Smith, Mel Gibson, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis....I went blank again. I couldn’t think of a fifth, with 2 seconds left I finally spit out Katie Holmes.

They awarded me the tickets despite there being a controversy revolving around if Sylvester Stallone was actually taller than Tom Cruise.

I was super excited and called the other three guys in my discipleship group to see if they wanted to go. Plans were made and we were all set to go…until I talked to LB and she reminded me of the conversation we had the night before where she had told me she needed me to keep John that night. So it ended up, the other three guys went with the tickets I won, while I sat at home.

You can feel sorry for me now. Or send me a movie theater gift card. I will accept either.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Kelly: Jim!

Jim: Kelly!
Kelly: Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Jim: Really?
Kelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.

I have one thing on my bucket list: to grow old. According to Ada, I can go ahead and scratch it off.

2011-12-19T16:10:00.001-05:00

Conversation from last night while getting Ada ready for bed.

Ada: Daddy, how old are you?
Me: 30.
Ada: That’s old!!!
Me: Well, it depends. To you it is old, but to Mae-mae (my mom) it'd be just getting started.
Ada: No, 30 is pretty old.
Me: Thank you.
Ada: Are you going to die soon?
Me: I hope not.
Ada: Me too. When you die, are you going to go to Heaven?
Me: Yes.
Ada: Then that will be fun, right?
Me: I think it will be.
Ada: You are going to heaven because Jesus lives in your heart, right?
Me: Right, something like that.
Ada: Who lives in Jesus’ heart?
Me: That is a good question. You see, there is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Hol….
Ada: (interrupting) I’d miss you though, if you died and went to Heaven.
Me: Well, we don’t have to worry about that right now.
Ada: Yeah, you don’t even have a walking stick yet. When you get really old and about to die, you use a walking stick, so when you start using a walking stick I will worry then.
Me: Works for me.

I think after work today, I am going to walk in the door with a walking stick to see what kind of reaction I get. I bet it will be hilarious.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Your questions answered, procrastinatedly.

2011-12-08T16:11:00.001-05:00

-If Jesus were a defensive back for the Alabama Crimson Tide (which would never happen because Jesus would never play for Satan), and He got beaten on a deep route (which would never happen because Jesus has excellent coverage skills), do you think Jesus would deliberately commit a pass interference penalty to save a touchdown? Yes. I'd elaborate but this post wound up being 900 words with very little pay off.

-What should be my new hobby? Nibbling the edges off pieces of cheese until it forms a state. Complete all 50 and sell it on ebay. I bet Colorado would be easy.

-Where are you going? To heaven, eventually.

-Why didn't I invent the iPod? Because you are not Steve Jobs. Which isn’t so bad now taking considering both of your life circumstances.

-How dare you? Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

-What is your favorite TV show? Too many to pick one, so I will provide a list of recent favorites and we can discuss in the comments if you wish:
Parks and Recreation
Modern Family
Breaking Bad
Sons of Anarchy
Dexter
Chuck

-Have you ever passed out? One time in strength training class when I was a freshman, a senior put me into a wrestling move commonly known as "the sleeper hold" until I passed out in the middle of the football weight room floor. When I came to, after what was apparently only a few seconds, I asked my mom what we were having for breakfast.

-Are you ticklish? yes

-Did you really save a kid lost in the woods back in 2001? Yes, but that is a story bigger than what can be told here. Know that it was a 4hr search that involved a loyal dog, me finding him in the last few moments of precious daylight, and ended with the once lost boy clinging to me as we trudged through overgrowth only for me to return him to the arms of his weeping mother. This is all true and should probably be turned into a screen play. Russell Crowe could play me. Or Zach Galifianakis, if he shaved.

-Why do you make so many typos? My typos are like knots in beautiful hardwood flooring. The imperfections create a certain uniqueness and charming allure. This is what I tell myself, anyway. The real reason is because for some reason the Lord has blinded me to my own typos and LB doesn’t have time to proofread for me. Where “doesn’t have time” translates to“would rather watch What Not to Wear.”

-Who’s your favorite Smurf? Papa Smurf because he is like the Gandalf of the smurfs.
-Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? I am. Honestly, I am scared of most animals. For example, my dad put me on a horse one time when I was 6yrs old and I was ok until it started trotting, as in simply walking briskly, and then I began crying uncontrollably. I’m scared of animals that are bigger than me and have hooves. So what?
-I work at the MPAA! Thanks for the unintentional shout out! My question is.. since you work at the Home Depot, do you now know what unique algorithm and/or matrix they use to decide how to organize their stores? I refuse to shop at Lowe's, but I also spend 15 minutes looking for gorilla glue at Home Depot.. First of all, thank you for refusing to shop at Lowe’s. I would send you a free bottle of Gorilla Glue if I had the capability. Moving on, I don’t personally know the algorithm, but have direct access to it. The girl who is responsible for replenishing Gorilla Glue sits on the other side of my cube wall. Her name is Tara and I can tell her you said hi if you would like? Also, can you tell me the algorithm the MPAA uses to rate movies? I would love to discuss your career field more? Like do you know of anyone looking for a screenplay about a boy lost in the woods being saved by Zack Galifianakis?

-Has a Home Depot store ever run out of salad since you've been there? So far, so good. Fingers crossed….

-What is your passion? Jesus, my family, SEC football, good television, delicious food, and not being disturbed while I am in the bathroom. Mostly in that order.

-If you had to describe your life situation by using one color, what would it be? Burnt Sienna

-If you could live in any TV show, which would you choose? I can’t pick most of my favorite shows, they would all be too scary to live in. Breaking Bad: I might do meth. Dexter: I might be serial killed. Sons of Anarchy: I might be forced to wear a leather vest. I would probably have to say Cheers because that seems pretty low stress. Or Perfect Strangers, just to see if Balki was really that happy all the time.

-What's your favorite cheese? Cheddar, topped with bacon and sitting on top of a piece of beef in between two buns.

-M&Ms flavors: Too many? Which do you prefer? My favorite is either peanut or peanut butter. Too many? No way, and I’m not sure why they haven’t made peanut butter M&Ms with a peanut in it.

In conclusion, I hope I did not bore you. But I did like doing these, so send me questions any time.

Rate My Weekend

2011-12-05T15:58:00.001-05:00

I am going to try to start something new. Life has been pretty busy lately so writing has been getting pushed to the wayside. I thought maybe if I gave myself some sort of writing deadline that is expected every week, I might actually do it. Probably not.

The success of this “series” also depends on how much you care about my weekend. Which, if I had a guess, would probably be very little. So this is pretty much doomed to fail from the beginning. Much like when I first decide to start trying to grow a beard. Though there has been speculation that my beard has magical powers, so maybe this will be magical too. Probably not.

Ok, so I was flipping through morning radio shows this morning on my way to work (now that I have a one hour commute, I get to hear a lot of morning radio shows, yay!) and the four hosts were having their weekly Monday morning competition to see who had the best weekend. They all give brief summaries then allow people to go to their website and vote. The winner gets the satisfaction of everyone else being losers.

In their format, the deejays are competing against each other. In my format, there is no way I can lose. So even if I have the worst weekend ever, at least I know I will win something. Really, this whole thing could be a ploy to make me feel better about my life.

However, I did think about taking on competitors. It could work like this: you post about your weekend on your site on Monday morning then send me the link. Every Monday, I’ll compile the links and let everyone vote. Anyone is eligible, just send me a link. The winner will be deemed the one who had the best weekend in all the internet. Or something like that. Because technically, anyone on the internet had the chance to participate. If it catches on we can come up with a better title.

I will go today and figure to win by a landslide since no one else knew about it before right now. Home field advantage. Although, I guess someone could whip something up and send it to me if they’re feeling lucky.

FRIDAY:

John had a stomach virus on Tuesday. Ada got the stomach virus starting Thursday night, so we were all pretty worn out. LB, Ada, and I all fell asleep at about 7pm while doing Ada’s bedtime routine. LB and I woke up around 8 and ended up watching several episodes of TLC’s What Not to Wear that LB had DVRed.

SATURDAY:

Was interrupted during the SEC Championship game by our town’s Christmas parade running about a block away from our house. Ada wanted to go see it, but LB was at a baby shower so I had the kids by myself and John was already asleep. I thought about setting up the baby monitor then putting the house phone right beside it and calling it with my cell while on speaker phone so it would be like a travelling baby monitor. But then remembered Ada had been sick so I probably shouldn’t get her out in the cold. Excellent parenting decisions all around on my part, I believe.

Though Ada was pretty persistent about going so, as I told twitter, I ended up telling her that all the sirens were just because the fire trucks were on the way to a really huge fire. They just weren’t in a very big hurry. And the local high school marching bands were there to play inspirational music.

SUNDAY:

Watched the Falcons blow it to a 3rd string rookie quarterback which caused me to lose a bet with Jared Hollier from Badly Drawn Bible (also, you should go check out his site. He draws the bible badly there.) and had to change my Twitter profile to this:

Apparently Jared loves Sarah Palin. Or hates moose.

Which really isn’t as bad as it could have been because I don’t really know anything about politics, so I don’t know how embarrassed I should be. I know Sarah Palin can see Russia from her front porch and was Bachman the one that was accused of witchcraft?

Found out that Alabama will be going to the BCS National Championship Game! Roll Tide!

There you have it.

If anyone thinks they can beat my weekend filled with a vomiting Ada, watching TLC’s What Not to Wear, lying to my sick daughter to get out of going to the Christmas parade, watching the Falcons lose thus losing a bet, and finding out my NCAA team of choice is getting a chance to play for the national championship, send me the link and will become fierce rivals. If not, sleep well tonight knowing my weekend was better than yours.

For now you are rating the awesomeness of my weekend. If I get a challenger, we will switch the voting to simply who had a better weekend, them or me. So for now, we are going with the 5 star rating system, where 5 stars equals Awesome and 1 star equals the opposite of that.

How was your weekend?

PS. I will definitely post answers to your questions this week. Pinky swear.

Guest post from Bull, the MLK Jr. of Christmas Lights

2011-11-25T11:13:00.002-05:00

Surprisingly, I actually did get a few questions from my last post. I plan on getting the answers up early next week. Until then, I have a guest post from my buddy and old Dr. Awesome cohort, Bull. He sent me this post earlier this week but if I had posted it before today, the Friday after Thanksgiving, I would have felt like a hypocritical racist. Enjoy!

Are you familiar with the term "Christmas creep"? It's when stores start putting up their Christmas decorations way too early, which for the mall is usually around Labor Day. The worst offender is Target, which has spent so many years getting earlier and earlier with their Christmas creep that they've actually looped the calendar and the Christmas stuff you see on display now is for next year. I'm against Christmas creep. I don't think any Christmas decor should be on display until after Thanksgiving, like in the Bible when the Israelites put up their Christmas stuff (note: check this biblical fact before submitting post to Scott). However, I broke my personal preference this year. The Saturday before Thanksgiving, I went up in the attic, drug out the Christmas boxes, and started untangling strands of lights. My little girl has been potty training, and as a reward for successfully putting tee tee in the potty as opposed to on the floor, I decided to let her "help" me put some lights in the bushes on front of the house. Yes, it's a few days early, but potty victory trumps Christmas creep (that should be the slogan for something, I don't know what though, maybe a very special episode of a CW show). Everything was going fine until my wife revealed that she was a total racist.

I guess I should back up a couple of steps. We were developing our strategy for decorating the house, which I thought should be somewhere between minimalist and Clark W. Griswold, and I was unpacking several strands of multicolored lights. As I plugged them in to verify that they still worked, my wife informed that she only wanted to use white lights on the house. "Whites only?!?!" I thought to myself with alarm. Who is this racist vixen? A disagreement ensued, with her taking the side that white lights look simple and classy, and me taking the side that she is a racist who hates disadvantaged minorities for no reason at all. I pointed out to no avail that Jesus loves all the little children of the world, including red, yellow, black, and white. She remained firm in her position that this is just Christmas lights and has nothing to do with being racist. But I know better. We ended up going with the all-white look, because my wife's feminine wiles are persuasive. But I'm sad that our house might as well have a big sign that says "Merry KKKhristmas!"

Friends, you have a choice this year. You can use multicolored lights, and promote love and unity. Or you can be a divisive bigot and use white lights only. Christmas blog poll: which type of Christmas lights will you use? Will you add strand after strand of many colors, and glorify the Lord through diversity? Or are you a hate-filled monger of hatred? Leave your answer in the comments section.

Hello, it's Scott again. You should have been able to tell because all the letters are leaning slightly to the right. I know some people don't like leaving comments, so to try and make a way for everyone to voice their opinion on such an important, hot button topic, I made a poll for you:

Note: Poll isn't viewable in Reader. My bad.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said "If you are racist, I will attack with the North."

4 Year Bloggerversary Q&A

2011-11-21T14:51:00.003-05:00

Last week was my 4 year blogging anniversary. It passed with very little pomp and circumstance. Mainly because I have a new job that does not allow me to spend any time writing posts. Now to get my job done, I actually have to think and stuff. If you would like to pay me so that I wouldn't have to work and could write blog posts every day, I would be willing to listen to that proposal.

Speaking of, remember back when I didn’t have a job? Haha, whatever. Unemployment is for losers. I know because when I was unemployed I felt like a loser. But now, I’m totally part of the workforce again. I am very grateful because I am getting a paycheck. Home Depot is grateful because their inventory is being planned for and replenished. It’s such a symbiotic relationship. Like monkeys eating bugs off of each other.

Before I move on, I wanted to note my favorite thing about my new job is that I have a cubicle just like Chandler on Friends:

So far, I have not had to look at a Wenus.

Anyway, back to point, my 4 year blogging anniversary. Yay! In the past I have celebrated bloggerversaries with things such as wordles and comparing myself with the marine corps. This time I was stumped when trying to come up with what to do to celebrate year 4. I blame it on that depression brought on by less daylight. I don’t know what it is called but I’m pretty sure it’s a real thing because Michael Scott talked about it once.

I finally decided to celebrate by doing a question and answer post with all of you. I’ve seen other more successful bloggers do this in the past. And by “more successful“, I mean pretty much anyone else with a blog. It looked fun, plus there is potential for me to get another post out of it. I’m always big fan of efficiency. And laziness.

You can ask anything, serious or silly, as long as it would be rated PG by the MPAA and LB deems it acceptable to answer. Disclaimer: If I do not know the answer, I will make it up (read: anything about politics or television shows that come on the CW.)

To get the gears turning, here are a few example questions:

-What is your favorite TV show?
-Have you ever passed out?
-Are you ticklish?
-Did you really save a kid lost in the woods back in 2001?
-Why do you make so many typos?
-Who’s your favorite Smurf?

I realize I am setting up myself for possible embarrassment here if no one asks anything. I am ok with that. The question is, are you ok with possibly sending a man suffering from Daylight Savings Time Depression over the edge. Remember, whatever happens, it’s your fault.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. Sorry, he is very lame. Um, let's see. Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter."

Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a b****, ain't it?
Michael: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl: Actually, you did.

Texts from a Marriage #2

2011-11-08T06:00:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I take texts conversations between LB and me and turn them into a post. Probably because we are like the Brad and Angelina of the blog world and everyone wants to know the intimate details of our lives. I know what you’re thinking, Scott, you’re much too handsome to be compared to Brad Pitt. I know, right?

LB: I am so tired. My head is killing. I think I’ve reached my limit and I just might be on the verge of going nuts.

LB: But I have to spend my evening learning how to play the tin whistle.

Me: You LOLed me.

LB: Did you say lol to cheer me up? Ada needs to go to bef super early fyi

Me: Did it cheer you up? If so, then yes. I will get Ada to bef as early as I can

LB: *bed.

LB: Unfortunately the only thing that could cheer me up is a bed and about 12hrs to sleep in it.

Me: How convenient would it be if the only thing that could cheer you up was a tin whistle?

Backstory - LB leads a homeschool group once a week and once their focus during the musical portion of the day was the tin whistle. Since LB did not have any previous experience with the tin whistle, she had to go to a class one night and learn it so she could teach it. That was why I was putting Ada to bef.

Think of this post like US magazine’s Just Like Us section. If you play the tin whistle, that is.

Do you text your spouse?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.

Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad ok?
Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What is going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Anniston.

Halloween Special Survival Guide: Vampire Attacks

2011-10-27T06:00:00.003-04:00

This post is from a couple years ago. I’m reposting it today because it is topical and I care about your safety. And also because I am lazy. But seriously, please don’t get killed by a vampire this weekend. That would mean you were dead and I would have one less reader. Both of those are bad.

I never heard back from anyone on my survival guide for catching on fire, so I’m assuming no one has had to use it yet. Or it didn’t work. I doubt that it didn’t work though, I’ve had a lot of experience with fire throughout my life. I’ve participated in several bottle rocket fights and when I was younger I liked to burn milk jugs and paper plates for fun. So, the Fire Survival Guide might as well have been stamped by a notary public.

However, this guide is based more on theory than fact. I have personally never been attacked by a vampire. Unless you count the Twilight series. I don’t. But given the fact that vampires are popping up everywhere, I thought it might be smart to prepare a guide in case of an attack.

Before I really thought about it, I used to think I would just tell the attacking vampire that I had a highly infectious, seriously debilitating disease, so my blood was tainted and super contagious. Rookie mistake. That would never work. Vampires are already dead, so they are not threatened by swine flu blood. Wait, are vampires dead? I know zombies are, but I’m not sure about vampires. Ok, I just googled it, vampires are dead. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to get to the guide.

-Always carry a water gun filled with holy water with an attached wooden stake bayonet shaped like a crucifix laced in garlic. I had to get this one out of the way first.

-Wear turtle necks 24/7. Or, if it’s hot outside, a dickie will work. Really, anything that obstructs easy access to your neck will work. People may laugh at you, but when they are all vampires and you’re not, you’ll get the last laugh. Sort of like Noah.

-Say that you are ¼ Asian. I have never seen an Asian vampire so obviously vampires are scared of Asians. If you are Asian, just say “Boo!”

-Mention Tom Cruise. Vampires everywhere are still embarrassed at his turn in Interview with a Vampire and all the Scientology stuff. They don’t get it either. Inevitably, they will get all defensive and distracted. Try to find your chance to run into some sunlight. If it is nighttime, slip on your emergency dickie.

-If the vampire that is attacking you is The Count from Sesame Street your chances of survival are much greater than if it was, say, the vampire from Blade. Just point out that there is an excessive amount of ceiling tiles and as he’s counting them, make your get away.

-If you are in an episode of Scooby-Doo, just grab the vampires face and pull. Don't worry, it is a mask. It's really the disgruntled man you met 5 minutes into the episode and he will call you meddlesome. But in the end, you will be safe.

-I saw the movie Underworld, so I know vampires and werewolves DO NOT like each other. Say something demeaning about werewolves, like “Don’t all werewolves look the same? I can never tell them apart.” or “I wonder how many werewolf fans actually attended the university?” This should build camaraderie between you and the vampire and maybe he will spare you.

In the event of an attack, I hope these help. If they do, you don't have to thank me or anything, just pay it forward. Everyone be safe this weekend and I truly hope no one has to use this guide. If you want to be extra cautious, which is never really a bad thing, fill a squirt bottle with holy water and spritz everyone within a ten foot radius. You will be defending yourself and blessing everyone at the same time. A true Hall-o-win-win....wow, that was bad.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: I dont have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Art time with Ada.

2011-10-25T08:00:00.005-04:00

LB meets with a group of women from church every Thursday night, so it's usually just the kids and me on those nights. Last week, after John went down Ada and I were hanging out watching a little Dora the Explorer (which I am torn about because while it does promote learning Hispanic culture it also promotes young children wearing midriffs and frolicking around in the jungle unsupervised with a monkey wearing snowboots) when she asked me if I wanted to color. I took her up on it.

We got out her art box, sat down at the kitchen table and went to work. She told me what she wanted and I drew it. Her exact directions were: "Draw me and Jesus holding hands. Oooh, on a rainbow. In front of Old Navy. And I want flowers and butterflies there. Oh, I want you there too daddy. Eating pizza."

This is that:

1. I wasn't sure how to draw Old Navy, so I just wrote 50% off on the window of a building. I thought that encapsulated Old Navy pretty well.

2. For some reason, I made myself look like a brown haired Mr. Bill. Oh Nooooooooo!

3. I went with Little Caesars pizza because it is like the Old Navy of pizza chains.

4.I'm not sure what Jesus is wearing. It sort of looks like a cross between a ghost and something Obi Kenobi would wear. Except *SPOILER ALERT* Obi Kenobi does become a ghost at the end of Return of the Jedi and the above is nothing at all what he looks like. Now that I think about it, what Jesus is wearing looks more like what Princess Leia was wearing at the beginning of A New Hope.

My bad, Jesus. For everything.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Carol: This is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.
Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.
Bill: Nice to meet you.

What happens when I accumulate a bunch of stuff that is not long enough for its own post.

2011-10-18T06:00:00.005-04:00

I wrote Ricky Anderson’s resignation letter. I think he asked me to write it since I didn’t get to write my own. Ricky is so nice. He even put me on his blogging All Star team a while back which I am still pretty sure he did out of pity because I was unemployed. Our team ended up getting destroyed and that actually caused me to sink even deeper into depression. But that is ok, I know Ricky’s heart was in the right place.

I think I may have discovered my newest superpower: winning medium fries from the McDonald’s Monopoly game. I’m like 4 for 4. I don’t usually go to McDonalds that often, but when I am on a winning streak like this it is hard to say no. I use my free fries to get more free fries. It’s like free money except in fried fries. Which wouldn’t be a bad currency system if you think about. I think I just discovered one more inefficiency of our government. The one side effect that comes with my newest superpower assures that I will not be wearing any spandex crime fighting suits. So while the malcontents of the world may not have anything to fear, potatoes most certainly do.

Speaking of government inefficiencies, I saw this when pulling out of my driveway the other day:

Lady clothes are complicated. I was folding clothes this weekend and realized LB has clothing that I am not even sure which half of the body it goes on.

I was watching cartoons with Ada and there was a talking bear telling his friends, a talking raccoon and a chicken playing the maracas, that he saw a mermaid and they didn’t believe him. They said it was impossible. A maraca playing chicken said it is was impossible. That's all.

The other night I had a dream where I was teaching rappers how to pose for their album covers. For the record, this was a dream that you have at night while you are sleeping and not a lifelong aspiration. Not yet, anyway.

I’ll end with one of my most recent favorite Ada conversations:

Ada: So, you are taking me to the park tomorrow, right?
Me: No, we go on Saturday.
Ada: That is tomorrow though, right?
Me: No tomorrow is Thursday.
Ada: So the next day?
Me: No, that is Friday.
Ada: I don’t get it.
Me: In 3 days I will take you to the park. Not tomorrow and not the…
Ada: Just give it up, daddy.
Me: Are you sure?
Ada: Yeah, from now on just tell me right before we are about to go to the park, ok?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Angela: When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds.

Godz Bodz.

2011-10-11T21:43:00.005-04:00

GASP! Two posts in one day, you’re probably all like what the what? But I saw this video and had to share. It made me just laugh and laugh. Plus, I showed it to LB and she laughed. I know you don’t understand the magnitude of that, but usually I will show LB a hilarious internet clip and she will watch it staring blankly at the screen and then give a courtesy snicker when it is over and go back to whatever she was doing. This time she ACTUALLY laughed. That is like the ultimate stamp of approval for comedic internet videos.

Tripp. Tyler. You should feel honored, gentlemen.

Tripp and Tyler have made some pretty good videos in the past. Like the Bowlin’ video. Or the guide to Hi Five etiquette. But this one may be my favorite:

Now that LB and I have shared a laugh together thanks to Tripp and Tyler, we are going share some dramedy thanks to NBC’s Parenthood.

Speaking of, can you believe Alex broke up with Haddie like that?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.
Deangelo: Do you know how to high five?
Andy: Yeah!
Deangelo: 'Cause if you do now's the time.
Andy: Alright.
Deangelo: Not while I'm driving.

The Best Facebook Status in the History of Ever

2011-10-06T13:46:00.008-04:00

LB always uses my computer and logs me out of all my stuff. So, I'll grab it to check my email or Reader or something and then realize it is all her accounts. It's one of those little things that I would have probably thought was cute about 5yrs ago when we first got married.

Not anymore. We've now had over 5yrs of marriage to get on each other’s nerves so now it is pretty irritating. Most of the time. One day a couple weeks ago made it all totally worth it.

I opened my laptop to discover what I believe to be the most wondrous Facebook status that has ever existed. Of course it was one of LB’s “friends” so I have changed the names to reflect the Saved By The Bell cast as to protect their identities.

It's biblical, so yoaz better recognize.

In case you can't read it in the picture, I have rewritten it at the bottom of the post. Because we can't leave the distribution of wisdom like this left up to chance.

Lisa Turtle’s message is so true, ladies, please take it to heart. It is very important for you to wait on your Boaz so 5yrs into marriage when you do something mildly irritating to your husband the worst he will do is write a blog post about it.

And LB, though sometimes you may do things that irritate me, in the end I really do respect yoaz.

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend and get married a piece of biblical advice. "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz" While you are waiting for YOUR Boaz don't settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects yoaz..

What is your favorite Facebook status of all time?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Ryan: Um, how do I know Robert is gay? He "liked" my facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Hot Dog Confession

2011-10-04T06:00:00.002-04:00

I dropped a hot dog onto the ground while I was grilling out a few weekends ago. Then I picked it up and put it back on the platter. I put it on the platter parallel to the way all the other hot dogs were laying, thereby marking it so I would know which one it was and wouldn’t get it myself.

I feel better getting that out there.

I think I felt worse about this one than I did that time I finally confessed being too scared to test Johnson & Johnson’s No More Tears formula on myself after Ada cried that her eyes were burning while I rinsed the shampoo out.

I’m pretty much the best dad ever.

Do you have any hot dog related confessions?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Kelly: Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones....

What’s the correct pluralization for Bluetooth? Bluetooths makes me feel like I’m from Alabama and Blueteeth makes me want cotton candy.

2011-09-27T06:00:00.005-04:00

Are Bluetooths still a thing? Like, are we still doing them as a society? I’ve never had one, but then I did go two years without a cell phone, so admittedly I am not an expert when it comes to cellular communication devices.

I’ve always felt Bluetooths were a little pretentious. “Look at me, I’m so important I can’t sacrifice the use of a hand just to hold a telephone.” Really, they are like the opposite of jorts which say, “Look at me, I’m so laid back I make blue jeans even more casual.”

Because I have always thought Bluetooths to be showy, I’ve always wanted to dress up in a suit and go somewhere fancy with a Bluetooth in my ear and while waving my arms around very emphatically say things like “Winston, you idiot! I said transfer a million to the Caiman’s account. A MILLION. With an M!” then turn to whoever is standing closest to me and cover the tiny receiver with my hand and roll my eyes while sighing very audibly. But I haven’t.

Then the other day I went to Wal-Mart. I know, I’m not proud of it, I sacrificed self-respect for low everyday prices. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made, y’all. Anyway, I was in Wal-Mart and there was a lady wearing house slippers and one of those President Obama tank tops you see in mall kiosks which are expensive yet not what I would classify as fancy (because it’s a tank top, obviously) walking towards me chatting away. She didn’t appear to be what I had always envisioned as a Bluetooth user. I thought Well, maybe I’m wrong about these Bluetooths.

However as she passed me, I could see that she was not wearing a Bluetooth and was simply having a spirited conversation with her cantaloupe.

Then I was disappointed for ever having doubted myself.

Have you ever doubted yourself?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Michael: Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black! Stnanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.

Why my name is Scott

2011-09-22T06:00:00.001-04:00

I guest posted at Tyler Stanton’s site yesterday. It was about the different types of people you see in the dentist office’s waiting room. But that is not what I want to talk about. In the intro he suggested that I should go by Scooter Mo. He actually said I prefer him call me that, I didn’t. He just made it up. But really I think he did it because Tyler is too nice to be like “Hey man, your name sucks.”

Also the other day in the comments on his blog Knox suggested I go by something else as well. Again, Knox is much too pleasant of a person to be like “Dude, your name is ridiculous. You should go by something else. Anything else.”

The thing is, they don’t have to say anything. I know my name is like, the worst. I’ve even written a whole post about why it is the worst before. See?

But today I thought I would tell you why my name is Scott. Or, show you:

No lie. My dad heard that song and decided when he had a son he would name him Scott so that song would be topical in his life. When he told me that song was why my name was Scott I was like "Are you serious?" and he was like "yeah," so I was like "why?" and he was like "I thought it'd be neat."

My dad is not a man of many words. But he knows what's neat.

Why are you named what you are named?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Andy: Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.

Dear PETA, My Bad.

2011-09-20T06:00:00.003-04:00

We have been in the new house for about 4wks now. I still remember the first time we walked through the door as a family. I had John in my arms and LB was holding Ada’s hand, I opened the door, took a step in and then heard what I thought was a wild boar hog run across the ceiling above us. I let out a piercing shrill and dropped John to cover my head with my hands because I take the job of protector of my family very seriously.

LB and I looked at each other with unbelief. I knew what she was thinking just by the all the creases in her forehead: “Oh no, Scott, what have we done?” Just then the hog ran across the ceiling again so I answered with an affirming yelp of terror. After we calmed down, I called the landlord. I told her that I believed that our attic was housing a colony of displaced raccoons. She said she would send someone to look at it the next day.

They came, turns out we had squirrels. Or, my newest arch nemesis from the animal kingdom. First there was the hornet, then birds, and finally Goose. Now…squirrels. That’s ok, I’ve never liked squirrels anyway. I’ve always thought them to be quite devious. I hate the way they see you coming so they’ll hop up onto a tree and run around to the backside and peer around the trunk, as if now you can’t see them. Whatever, I CAN STILL SEE YOU, SQUIRREL!

One night while watching TV, I could hear him gnawing in our walls. That is when war was declared. I had a high powered spring loaded pellet gun and he had the ability to chew through my electrical wiring. It was going to be a fight to the death. Or, until my power went out. One of those.

The next few days I spent several hours in the backyard looking up into the trees, hoping to spot one of those tree rodents. I would make up reasons to go outside just in case our paths might cross. This went on for almost a week.

Until, that Sunday. We were getting ready for church when Laura Beth asked me to grab something from the car. I shuffled out the back door in boxers and flip flops and there he was. He was sitting on a branch RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I’m pretty sure he looked up and hissed at me. I didn’t want to lose him so I cracked the door back open and called in a whispered yell, “LB….get….the…gun!” It was very theatrical.

By the time she found the gun and got it to me, the squirrel had jumped a few trees over. I think he was scared. Though I’m not sure if it was because of the gun or me in only boxers and flip flops. Nevertheless, I had to hurry, a couple more trees over and he would have been in my neighbor’s yard and I wouldn’t have been able to take the shot.

I got down on one knee trying to mock that one little green army man that was fixated in that position. The squirrel was in my sights and right before I pulled the trigger I remembered the piece of advice Woody Harrelson gave Little Miss Sunshine in Zombieland: deep breath in and slowly breath out as you squeeze the trigger. It or worked or all those years playing James Bond: Goldeneye paid off because I nailed him. He fell straight out of the tree and never moved. And I didn’t even cry this time.

There was much rejoicing when I finally got Squirrel, but I think he got the last laugh. I’m pretty sure his partner/lover squirrel, no doubt feeling deep sorrow from her recent loss, committed suicide within the walls of our house. It is smelling nasty in our house right now. That’s okay though, that smell will be gone in a few more days and the squirrel is never coming back.

I’m just glad she didn’t commit suicide by electrocution.

Have you ever popped a cap?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: Michael you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a racoon devour a squirrel?

Only texting and driving is illegal. Taking pictures is ok. Right?

2011-09-14T19:56:00.016-04:00

Remember back when I used to do Picture Mondays? This post is like a fake version of that. Because today is Wednesday. I think one of the last Picture Mondays I did mentioned young chickens being whisked away to their slaughter so I decided to get away from those posts for a while.

Ok, on with the pictures:

1) I think I have been plagiarized. Go here and read the fifth bullet point down. Now, look at this:

It's not exact but still, I smell a lawsuit. If there are any lawyers reading this, please let me know if I have a case. Also, don’t prosecute me for taking a cell phone picture while driving. I took it for the judicial system which is really quite patriotic. Plus, I was actually stopped at a red light so technically I wasn’t driving, I was parked.

2) Remember when you met Mercules? Well, to get Mercules here my parents came to visit and I rode to Alabama with them, spent the night at their house, and then drove Mercules back the next morning all alone.

It was a pleasant drive, a beautiful day and I was getting to know my new-to-me car. I didn’t think things could get much better when suddenly I topped a hill and saw this:

Yes, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile! I knew it was the real deal because it was a wienie and had brake lights. It was either the official Wienermobile or someone spent a lot of time and money creating an exact replica of it. Which would be understandable.

3) I took this one sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while parked in the driveway.

I got home from work yesterday and for some reason there was a kiddy potty sitting next to the tree in our backyard. I have no explanation. Though we did start homeschooling Ada about 3wks ago, that more than likely has something to do with it. Homeschooled kids are weird.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote

Dwight: Hey, did you SMS text message me?

Meet Mercules

2011-09-08T00:16:00.001-04:00

The Altimater is no longer with us.

I always thought whenever I made that announcement it would be after getting in the car one day only to have never have gotten to where I was going due to poor visibility because of flames erupting from under the hood. We all know the Altimater has had its fair share of problems. I once tweeted a picture of building on fire next to where I used to work and Ricky mistook it for the Altimater. I'm sure he just said what everyone was thinking.

Which is it? Someone tried to crank the Altimater or the Smoke Monster from Lost is visiting to negotiate better terms for his shipping and receiving needs.

But that wasn't the case. My dad got us a car. Isn't that awesome? He just gave us a car. Crazy. A 2002 Mercury Sable. It is nothing fancy, but it does have all four hubcaps and the side view mirror is not held on by duct tape. We'll take it. He said it will probably be the last thing he will ever give me. I said that was fair.

We actually sold the Altimater a few weeks ago. I sold it to Cory. You remember Cory. Don't think I hosed him though. Before buying the Altima, he didn't have a car so I often gave him rides to and from work and usually complained about either what just broke or what was about to break on the car the whole way. He knew everything and still wanted to buy it, so I sold it to him under two conditions: 1) he has to keep calling it the Altimater 2) he can never listen to the Black Eyed Peas while in it (he has a strange fascination with the BEPs.) He completely rejected #2 but made a counteroffer to #1: he will give it a "ghetto name", like LaAltimatermisha. Mazal tov.

I offered to give the money to dad but he said not to pay him back now, just wait until later on and put him in one of those classy assisted living places for old people. Luckily, Alzheimer's runs in our family so he'll totally forget about our deal. (Dad, I'm kidding. (I don't know why I added that disclaimer, dad doesn't even know what the internet is.))

LB and I decided that we are going to use the money from selling the old car to get LB one those complicated cameras that could be used by National Geographic to take pictures of giraffes eating foliage from the tops of trees yet all moms seem to have and use them to take sideways pictures of their dinner. So really it is like we traded the Altimater for a camera AND got a car with a working AC and CD player. We're excited.

I won't delay the introductions any longer. Beloved readers, meet Mercules:

The paint job isn't really all highlighty like that. My phone made it look that for some reason. I kind of liked it though because it looks like Xzibt stopped by and pimped my ride.

So, there she is. She looks a little like a government issued vehicle to me. I think for fun I am going to start driving around Atlanta while letting a cord dangle from my ear and talk into my watch. People will either think I am some sort of government agent or that I am crazy. Either way, they will probably be scared and get out of my way which will make for a better commute for me.

Have you ever had a car with a cooler name than Mercules?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.

Burt and Cory

2011-09-06T06:00:00.003-04:00

I gotta job. Holler! This may be old news to most of you if you read LB’s blog or, like, know me in real life. But today is my first day. I’m working at the Home Depot corporate headquarters. I like to say corporate headquarters because it sounds all fancy. So fancy, in fact, I shaved my Unemployment Beard yesterday. The Unemployment Beard is like Christmas Beard’s loser cousin who doesn’t have a job.

I will post about that later. Home Depot, I mean. Not my Unemployment Beard. No one wants to hear more about that. And by no one, I mean LB. But before I move on from the unemployment/furniture moving chapter of my life, I want to remember a couple of my favorite coworkers at the furniture company.

Burt. I called him Burt from Day 1 that I worked there. I found the last week that I worked there that Burt is his last name. Mr. Burt never called me by name, only Youngblood. Mr. Burt is 66yrs old, but has over 100yrs worth of stories. The very first delivery I went on with Mr. Burt was late into the day. So when we were done, Laura Beth met us and Mr. Burt dropped me off. On the way to meet her, Mr Burt asked: “What do you know about marriage, Youngblood?” “Been married 5yrs.” “Well, that’s long enough to get a headache or two.” “What do you know about marriage, Mr. Burt?” “I know I was crazy enough to do it twice. I didn’t get married the first time until I was 40. I stayed married about 15, 20yrs. Stayed single a few years. Then got married to my next door neighbor so you know I was crazy. She could cook though. Probably too good, she’s pushing 300 these days. Been married to her for another, I don’t know, 10 or 15yrs.” “Mr. Burt, that makes you like 90yrs old?” “Feels like it.”

Cory. A 21yr old semipro football player. I call him my black friend. He calls me racist. I kid. But Cory and I joked with each other about racial stereotypes all the time. We both tell each other Chris Rock jokes over and over again like the other has never heard them. We began using each other as a resource into the other’s culture. For example, I asked him things like why is there always a pair of shoes slung over a power line in black communities and he asked me why white churches get to only last for an hour. If I hadn’t gotten the new job and we were able to ride around in the delivery truck together for another month or two, I’m pretty sure we’d have invented world peace.

Who is your favorite ex coworker?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote

Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?

Dear Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg

2011-09-01T04:00:00.001-04:00

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately. That’s my bad. I will be back soon, promise. Until then, I have a guest post from Tyler Tarver. He's only posting here because he wants you to buy his book, Words and Sentences. But that’s cool because you should. Tyler is really random like when girls wear those belts around their stomachs for no reason. He is also hilarious like when girls wear those belts around their stomachs for no reason. Here are some specific Tyler things that made me laugh. I was actually one of the first to read Tyler’s book because he sent me an advanced copy so if you do buy one I could autograph it for you or something.

Dear Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg,

Hey you two! Or you one. I don’t know honestly, I can’t tell you apart. I guess it’s like

they say, all rich white guys who look the same look alike.

Are you really best friends with Ben Affleck? Does he ever get jealous that you’re in

every movie and he isn’t? The Town was really good though.

I live in a town.

When Andy Samberg did that SNL skit where he was you talking to animals, I

laughed. Not like HAHA, more more like hehe. It was still an lol. That’s gr8. H8trs.

I think teenagers are stupider now than when I was one.

I’m a math teacher. You remember that time you did that really hard math problem

at Harvard and then dated a hot chick and met Robin Williams with a beard? Yeah, it

was neat.

Once when I was in 8th grade I was on my Uncle Joe’s AOL instant messenger

account and I started talking to a chick and I said I was in Harverd. That’s not how

you spell it. We don’t talk much anymore.

Did it hurt when you kept punching yourself in Fear? You know that was Reese

Witherspoon, you probably could’ve just started talking really country instead.

I’m from the South. Not that I’m really short, but I talk with an accent. It’s German.

Did you ever notice that every state in the South points to the state to the left as

more country than them? It’s true, my internet friend Scott said so. I’m in the far left

one called The Arkansas so we just point back at Mississippi cause they’re stupider.

Are you guys like Clark Kent and Superman?

I bet it was hard being in The Departed. You should’ve gotten paid double. Does Jack

Nicholson smell like an old house? I bet he does.

Can I be a part of your entourage? I’m really good with the screaming. If someone

pulls a gun on y’all, I’ll scream so good you’ll think I was Jennifer Love Hewitt from

the 90’s when she didn’t suck like an old school mail chute in a business building.

Which one are you?

Love,

Tyler

Ps What does money look like?

Tyler Tarver is so sweaty it’s freaking gross. You can

check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it

here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his

brand new toilet book which he won’t shut up about titled

Words&Sentences. He also might be in love with you so

much it’s freakin stupid.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote

Michael: I am like Superman and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.

I dont see how the Pilgrims made it. Without internet I mean. They could have googled turkey recipes and stuff.

2011-08-29T15:41:00.005-04:00

We just moved and have been without internet for going on 10days. I've made this comparison before but I am pretty sure 10 days noninternet time equates to about 7 dog years. I think. I haven’t owned a dog since I was 6 (RIP Varmit), so my math may be off. I do know 10days with no internet equals over 400+ items in my Google Reader, which means if you’ve posted something within the last 7 dog years I’m probably not going to read it. My bad. You can quit reading this post now and call it even if you want. No hard feelings. That would probably be doing us both a favor, actually. You save time, I save embarrassment, we all win.

Anyway, my last post was kind of serious and I don't really do serious so I wanted to get something up that was a little more tomfoolerish. And now that we finally have internet installed here, I will hopefully get back to posting somewhat irregularly rather than nonexistingly. So I wanted to warn you.

But seriously, if you have posted something wildly hilarious or otherwise poignant in the last 10days, please leave a link in the comments so I am sure not to miss it. FYI - please only send wildly hilarious links. I'm not sure what "poignant" means, I just said it to sound smart.

Have you missed me, Internet? Because I have missed you.

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote

Michael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

My Testimony

2011-08-13T23:46:00.004-04:00

Last Sunday I was so nervous before church that I tucked my button-up into my boxers. Which turned out not to be so bad because it kept it from doing that thing where it always comes untucked in the back. Anyway, I was nervous because I was asked to speak at church. I think I’ve mentioned that I am horrible at small talk? Well, it is even worse when I am the only one talking and in front of everybody. Smiling and nodding doesn’t work as well in that situation. I know from experience.

To help keep that from happening again, I wrote everything down beforehand and read it without ever looking up. Here it is:

I just want to warn everybody, I have intense fear of public speaking. I get nervous when giving my order in a crowded McDonald’s. So, I am going to get behind this podium and use it as a barrier between you and me. Hopefully, it will help me safe enough to get through this. I have such an intense fear that I actually wrote down everything I want to say and it is quite possible I read every bit word for word, so bear with me.

We just finished the Dave Ramsey class that John led and he asked me to give a testimony about how God is working in our lives through finances.

To get a clear picture of our finances, I think I should start a few years back when we first moved to Henry Co. Like a lot of America, we qualified for a loan that was probably bigger than we could afford but we took it anyway. Since then, we have been pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, with some times being tighter than others. Over the course of the past 3yrs we heard of Dave Ramsey and read his book, Total Money Makeover. We were very much on board with his principles and feel like God used him to shape over ideas on money. Unfortunately, money was so tight we could never get things going.

Around the beginning of this year, Laura Beth and I started praying together nightly that God would do something with our finances. We prayed specifically that we would be able to get out of debt, save, and give abundantly. At that point, about when we started praying that prayer, our expenses started multiplying in crazy ways: Ada had to go to the hospital for a few days because she suddenly started having seizures, I had the flu for about 8 days which caused LB to lose two tutoring students, our car broke down, our HVAC unit went out, our SUV broke down, then our car broke down again, then our SUV broke down again, then John had eye surgery, and throughout all of this LB developed some weird skin condition that involved going to see several doctors and a few specialists. Later, we found out the skin problem was caused by stress.

A few weeks after all of that, we had received our tax refund and were able to pay off a chunk of debt that had accumulated. We thought things were about to get back on track until the next Monday morning when I went into work and found out my company was downsizing and my position was being eliminated so I no longer had a job.

Obviously there was stress and fear, but at this point there is no doubt God is moving in our lives. It’s totally not what we expected. From our perspective, we were thinking a new job with a higher income. Instead? God eliminated our income.

Our prayer was to get out of debt, save, and give and we hope that will eventually happen but more importantly through all of this, God has shown us the truth of this verse in Deuteronomy 8:3 – “He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”

And what that means to us is…its just money. I remember a couple years back, we were talking about finances at community group and Matthew (our pastor) said, “Its just money.” I remember thinking, “What is he talking about?” But now I get it, it’s true. If you had asked me a couple years ago what is the worst that could happen financially? I would have said, “I lose my job and we lose the house.” But now, it feels like God is using those very things to answer the prayer LB and I started praying back in March.

Through these circumstances God has shown us that we can certainly live without money. What we can’t live without is Him and His word. God has used these circumstances to show us the truth of His scripture. Psalm 119:71 – “It is good for me that I was afflicted that I might learn your decrees. The law of your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces.”

That was all I had written down. After I finished reading that, I was going to go freestyle and talk about how thankful we are for all of our friends and family and how gracious they’ve all been and how taken care of they’ve made us feel and how God has used them to provide in our lives so much it has literally brought tears to our eyes. But I didn’t.

When I got done, I kind of didn't even look up and just walked back to my seat. My bad.

But seriously, friends and family, thanks. And stuff.