Always Psyched...

Happy Trails.

2012-04-09T15:14:00.001-05:00

PurposeFairy.com posted this amazing list of 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control.

Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Accept Yourself.

2012-02-01T11:44:00.002-06:00

7 Ways to Accept Yourself by Tara West

Accepting yourself and your situation in life can be a difficult task. Do you tend to be more accepting of others’ mistakes than your own? If so, you’re being too hard on yourself!

Those people aren’t better than you! You were created with a unique set of talents that no one else has. Plus, everyone makes mistakes. We’re only human!

Becoming more accepting of yourself and loving yourself for the fine person that you really are can lead you to greater happiness and a more fulfilling life.

Here are some excellent techniques you can use to help you better accept yourself:

1. Focus on your positive qualities. Even though self-improvement is a good thing, it’s important that you identify and focus on your positive qualities, rather than concentrating on the qualities you feel negatively about.

Maintaining this positive focus will not only help you better accept yourself, but it’ll also make it easier for you to attain your goals by utilizing your talents to boost yourself forward.

2. Consciously prevent negative thinking patterns. Negative thinking can really snowball fast if you don’t get ahead of it. It’s okay to be in a bad mood every once in awhile and have some negative thoughts; it happens to everyone. The trick is in learning how to push those negative thoughts aside and replace them with something positive.

Replace your negative thoughts about yourself with affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements that affirm your positive qualities and help bring out the best in you. You can find affirmations in bookstores and on websites, or you can write your own. You can also download some positive affirmations and self-reflections on my site:
- I Am The Body In Motion That Stays in Motion
- Giving To Others Makes Me Rich

If you believe in yourself, you can do it. It’s really that simple.

3. Accept your imperfections. Another part of being human is having some imperfections. Instead of dwelling on the things you can’t change, accept them for what they are. Making the best of your life starts with accepting your imperfections.

4. Use positive self-talk. Positive self-talk can help you achieve great things and change the way you think about yourself. Make it a point to give sincere compliments to yourself.

Compliment yourself for the good things about your looks, your positive qualities, and every time you do something right. Do this each and every day until it becomes a habit.
Recommended reading: “What To Say When You Talk To Yourself” by Shad Helmstetter:

5. Disregard what other people might think about your decisions. You’ll never make everyone else happy. If you try, you’ll soon discover that, not only will other people still be unhappy, but you’ll also be exhausted and unhappy yourself.

Make your own decisions according to your priorities and be confident that you’ve done what is right for you.

6. Avoid worrying. Worrying will never help your situation. Rather than wasting your time by being engulfed in fear, take action to do what you can to make the situation better. If there’s nothing you can do to change it, focus on moving forward in other ways.

7. Try your best and accept that you’ve done what you could. Do your best every day and be proud of yourself for your efforts. Let go of any negative thoughts, such as being angry with yourself for not being able to accomplish an impossible feat.

Even when you haven’t done your best, find a way to forgive yourself. Move on and commit to trying harder next time.

In changing the way you think about yourself, you’ll also change the way you see the world. Every day opens up new opportunities for you, and by utilizing positive thinking, you can make a real difference!

What's a compliment you need to give yourself each day?

HeatMotions.

2011-07-20T14:58:00.011-05:00

If you can't handle the heat, jump into a bucket of dirty cool water.

Temperatures here in Texas are currently above 100 degrees. Yuck. Along with the sweating and just overall uncomfortableness of it all, there are also a lot of other responses to heat that we may experience, some, even psychological. Dr. John Grohol, CEO and founder of Psych Central, writes the following about our psychology in a heat wave:

Heat waves are related to more violent behavior and aggression
Heat waves may be associated with higher drug and alcohol abuseAnxiety tends to decrease with a rise in temperatures
Depression and lowered mood tends to increase with a rise in temperatures
High levels of humidity — which often accompany a heat wave — lower concentration
High humidity also increases sleepiness (probably related to poor sleep)
High humidity also appears related to a lack of vigor and energy

Well, at least that is good news for the highly anxious!
To read this full article and find out tips about how to stay cool in the summatime heat go here.

It's important to always be aware how our emotions are triggered. Is one of your triggers the heat? Can you tell if the heat affects your overall emotional well-being ever?

Dr. Pet

2011-06-02T22:48:00.021-05:00

Could your pet be the best treating physician you've ever had? Quite possibly. Our pets are known for exuding unconditional love to us, or at least that's the way we perceive it. But did you know our animals can actually improve our health by aiding us with physical ailments and emotional turmoil? Our pets could be taking care of us more than we know. And if you don't have a pet, you'll want to adopt one after reading this! Below are all the ways these little furballs can effect us more than we may realize.Although this list is specific to cats, many of these are true about dogs as well.

1. Lower risk of cardiovascular disease:
Apparently, if you own a cat, you are less likely to die of cardiovascular disease. Indeed, a study from the University of Minnesota found that those without cats were between 30 and 40 percent more likely to die of cardiovascular disease than cat owners. Does it work for owning dogs as well? According to the study, dog owners didn’t reap the same benefits as cat owners.

2. Reduce risk of heart attack:
You can reduce the chances that you will end up with a heart attack when you own a cat. Not only will your entire cardiovascular system thank you, but you can reduce the chance that you die suddenly due to heart attack if you own a cat.

3. Improve your immune function:
Owning a cat can help your immune function improve. The feelings you get related to the cat can help you give your immune system a boost. Cats often know when you are ill, and can come and provide you with comfort, helping you get better while boosting your immune system.

4. Decrease chance of developing allergies:
If you are going to have a baby, you might consider getting a pet. Having a cat can help you prevent allergies in your children. There are some studies that newborns that live with animals, specifically cats and dogs, are more likely to avoid developing allergies. Being used to them from an early age triggers immunity.

5. Help prevent asthma in children:
In addition to helping to prevent children from developing allergies, there is some evidence that living with a cat can also help prevent asthma in children. If you have kids, owning a cat and exposing your kids to cats might help them to avoid developing asthma. Early and regular contact with cats can help your children avoid a number of respiratory problems.

6. Reduce blood pressure:
You can help reduce your blood pressure by enjoying the company of a cat. Indeed, having a cat can lead to lower blood pressure. Just stroking a cat is calming and lowers blood pressure. Those who own pets, according to a State University of New York at Buffalo study, are more likely to have lower blood pressure than those who do not have pets.

7.Lower triglycerides:
You can lower your triglycerides by exercising and eating fewer carbohydrates (especially from processed foods). But that’s not the only thing you can do. Some studies indicate that if you have a cat, you can lower your triglycerides and boost your health by owning a cat. While you should probably still exercise and eat better, owning a cat can help the process along.

8.Lower cholesterol:
Are you trying to lower your cholesterol? If so, consider getting a cat. Interestingly, cat owners have lower cholesterol than those who do not own cats. A 2006 study in Canada showed that owning a cat was actually more effective at lowering cholesterol than the medications designed to do that same thing. Indeed, you could save money on meds and improve your health, possibly, by becoming a cat owner.

9.Reduced risk of stroke:
The prospect of having a stroke is scary. If you are concerned about having a stroke, you might consider cat ownership. Owning a cat can cut the risk of stroke. A study at Minnesota University found that cat owners could cut their risk of stroke by 1/3. The idea that you can help reduce the chances of getting a stroke, thanks to a cat, is one reason to consider cat ownership.

10.Reduce stress:
Having a cat can help reduce the stress in your life. Having a cat has many psychological benefits, and one of those is relieving stress. Being able to care for an animal, or having a cat snuggle with you, can help you feel better, and reduce your level of stress.

11.Reduce anxiety
Not only can owning a cat help reduce the stress that you feel, it can also reduce your anxiety. Petting a cat is calming, as are other aspects of caring for cats. When you are concerned with caring for another creature, it can help you take your mind off your worries. Additionally, the presence of a cat that will snuggle with you can help you calm yourself as your enjoy the unconditional love of a cat.

12.Improve your mood
In many cases, interacting with a pet can help improve your mood. This includes cats. Owning a cat can help you feel better in general, boosting your mood. If you are looking to see mood improvement, a cat can help with that.

13.Help with depression
Owning a cat can also help relieve depression. While a cat may not actually "cure" depression, it can help take your mind off your problems, and focus on something else. The love a cat offers can also be soothing to the mind. If you are depressed, cat companionship can help you in your battle.

14.Help with autism:
Autism is marked by difficulty in social interaction and communication. Those with autism have a hard time communicating in the same way that others do. Having a cat can actually help in these cases. There have been instances where cats have been instrumental in therapy for autistic children. Other developmental disorders can be helped with exposure to cats as well.

15.Reduced loneliness:
Many who have feelings of loneliness can find relief with a pet. Cat companionship can help those who are lonely feel a connection with another life. Just having a cat to come home to and spend time with can help those who are single, or widowed.

16.Fewer health care visits:
Those with cats make fewer visits to health care professionals. This includes visits to the doctor, and hospital visits. Studies have also shown that nursing homes that allow cats as part of the therapy for patients have lower medication costs than facilities that do not make use of cats as part of therapy.

17.Longer life:
Along with being married and avoiding main roads, you can enjoy a longer life with a cat. Cats provide a number of benefits that can lead to a longer life, including a form of social interaction. So, if you want to be healthy and live a little bit longer, consider owning a cat.

June is Adopt-A-Cat month! Get one, the list is just as long, if not longer, of what you can do for them!

How does your pet improve your well-being?

For the LOVE of Gottman, make your relationship better!

2011-05-25T21:55:00.003-05:00

Happy or not in your current relationship, we can all benefit from reading this chapter of relationship researcher John Gottman (remember him?) and Jan Silver's book; The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work:

When couples engage in lots of chitchat, Gottman says you can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married. What’s really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting — they are turning toward each other. 

In couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare. More often than not, if the husband makes a passing comment about something, the wife doesn’t even look up from what she is doing. If she does look up or briefly responds, her husband doesn’t notice or acknowledge what she says.

Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum  approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. 

Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, “Are we out of bleach?” and the husband says, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically. 

It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail. It grows when your wife tells you one morning, “I had the worst nightmare last night,” and you say, “I’m in a big hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight,” instead of “I’ don’t have time.” 

In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away. 

In marriage people periodically make what Gottman calls “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward each other is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.

Couples who turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay married. Those that don’t eventually lose their way. The reason for the differing outcome of these marriages is what Gottman has come to call the couple’s emotional bank account. 

Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. 

Because they have stored up this goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times.

The biggest payoff from this emotional bank account isn’t the cushion it offers when the couple are stressed. Turning toward your spouse in the little ways is also the key to long-lasting romance. 

Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways.

Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance? (Questionnaire)

It’s those little moments that you rarely think about — when you’re  shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quickie catch-up call while you’re both still at work — that make up the heart and soul of marriage. 

Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes.

By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.

Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.

The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage’s stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance.

For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.

Exercise 1: The Emotional Bank Account

Keeping an account in your head and/or on paper of how much you’re connecting with your spouse emotionally in little ways can greatly benefit your marriage. Give yourself one point each time you’ve turned toward your spouse during the course of the day.

Be careful not to turn this into a competition or a quid pro quo where you track each other’s account “balance” and keep tabs on who has done what for whom. That would defeat the purpose of this exercise. 

The goal is to focus on what you can do to improve your marriage — not on what your spouse should be doing but isn’t. That means trying to turn toward your spouse even when you feel he or she is being difficult or hostile.

You can tally your daily or weekly balance by adding up your deposits and subtracting any withdrawals (“Forgot to get film for spouse’s camera,” “Was late getting home”). For this exercise to work it’s important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself when you are negligent and turn away from your spouse. The more in the black your account is, the more likely you are to see your marriage improve.

Don’t be surprised if positive changes don’t occur overnight. If you’ve gotten out of the habit of turning toward each other, it may take some time to see the benefits of this exercise. One of the challenges is to notice when your partner does turn toward you and vice versa. 

In one research study in which couples were closely observed in their own homes, happily married couples noticed almost all of the positive things the researchers observed their partners do for them.

Unhappily married couples underestimated their partners’ loving intentions by 50 percent!

You don’t want your ledgers to become the focus of a competition, but it does make sense to get each other’s input about which areas of your  lives could benefit most from more emotional connection. That way you can focus your efforts on where they’ll have the greatest impact.

Exercise: Activities to do Together

Look over the long list of activities that some couples do together. Choose the three that you most wish your partner would do with you. Now, share your top three choices with each other so you both know how best to turn toward each other and accrue points.

Remember that this exercise is really a way to flatter each other. What you’re really telling your spouse is “I love: you so much that I want more of you.” So be sure to talk about your requests in that spirit.

Rather than being critical of what your partner has not done in the past, focus on what you would like to have happen now. That means saying “I’d like it if you stayed with me most of the time at parties” instead of “You always abandon me.” 

The real benefit of this exercise comes when you both look at the three items your partner chose and follow through by committing to do one of them. This should be a firm agreement — a contract. Because an official agreement conveys respect for your request, you feel relieved and excited that your spouse is willing to give this to you. This intensifies the sense of romance!

Exercise 2: The Stress-Reducing Conversation

Although you can earn points in your emotional bank account during just about any everyday activity listed in the previous exercise, Gottman has found that the first one, “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went,” is the most effective. What this “How was your day, dear?” conversation does (or ought to do) is to help each of you manage the stress in your life that is not caused by your marriage. 

Learning to do this is crucial to a marriage’s long-term health. One of the key variables in relapse after marital therapy is whether stress from other areas of your lives spills over into your relationship. Couples who are overrun by this stress see their marriages relapse, while those who can help each other cope with it keep their marriages strong.

Many couples automatically have this sort of calming-down conversation, perhaps at the dinner table or after the kids fall asleep.

But too often this discussion does not have the desired effect — it increases your stress levels because you end up feeling frustrated with your spouse for not listening to you, whether you’re the one venting or the one who’s offering advice. If that’s the case, you need to change your approach to these catchup conversations to make sure they help you calm down.

For starters, think about the timing of the chat. Some people want to unburden themselves when they’re barely through the door. But others need to decompress on their own for a while before they’re ready to interact. So wait until you both want to talk.

On a typical day, spend twenty to thirty minutes on this conversation. The cardinal rule is that you talk about whatever is on your mind outside of your marriage. This is not the time to discuss any conflicts between you. It’s an opportunity to support each other emotionally concerning other areas in your lives.

This exercise takes active listening, that classic technique of standard marital therapy. The goal of active listening is to hear your spouse’s perspective with empathy and without judging him or her.

This listening technique can be extremely beneficial if you use it during discussions where you are not your spouse’s target. 

In this context, you’ll feel far freer to be readily supportive and understanding of your spouse and vice versa. This can only heighten the love and trust you feel. Here are detailed instructions for having this discussion:

1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.

2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. If you quickly suggest a solution to your partner’s dilemma, he or she is likely to feel that you are trivializing or dismissing the problem, which backfires. In effect you’re saying, “That’s not such a big issue. Why don’t you just . . . ?” So the cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution. Oftentimes your spouse isn’t asking you to come up with a solution at all — just to be a good listener, or offer a ready shoulder to cry on.

Gottman has found a significant gender difference when it comes to this rule, Women are more sensitive to advice-giving than are men. In other words, when a wife tells her husband her troubles, she usually reacts very negatively if he tries to give her advice right away. Instead she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion. 

Men are far more tolerant of immediate attempts to problem-solve so a wife can probably “getaway” with some gentle words of wisdom. Still, a man who emotes to his wife about his work troubles would probably prefer that she offer him sympathy rather than a solution.

Men especially get caught up in thinking that when their wives are upset, their role is to take care of the problem. A huge burden is lifted once they realize that this is not their responsibility and is usually the opposite of what their wives want. It seems almost too good to be true that you earn points by not trying to solve your partner’s problems, but that is the case.

3. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say “uh-huh,” and so on.

4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize: “What a bummer! I’d be stressed out, too. I can see why you feel that way”

5. Take your spouse’s side. This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition — this will make your spouse resentful or dejected. 

If your wife’s boss chewed her out for being five minutes late, don’t say, “Oh, well, maybe Bob was just having a bad day” And certainly don’t say, “Well, you shouldn’t have been late.” Instead, say, “That’s so unfair!” The point isn’t to be dishonest. It’s just that timing is everything. When your partner comes to you for emotional support (rather than for advice), your job is not to cast moral judgment or to tell him or her what to do. Your job is to say “poor baby.”

6. Express a “we against others” attitude. If your mate is feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together.

7. Express affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, “I love you.”

8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Phrases that do this include “Yeah, that is really so sad. That would have me worried, too. I can see why you’d be annoyed about that.”

One last note: No one knows you better than your spouse. Sometimes advice may be just what you’re looking for. The best strategy is to talk about what you’d each like from the other when you’re feeling stressed. 

If your spouse is ranting about the promotion he didn’t get, you can say something like “You’re obviously really upset about this. How can I help you? Do you need me just to listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?”

If you have this sort of conversation every day, it can’t help but benefit your marriage. You’ll come away with the conviction that your partner is on your side, and that’s one of the foundations of a long-lasting friendship. Once your marriage gets set at a more positive level, it will be harder to knock it off course.

As beneficial as turning toward each other can be, it can feel hurtful and rejecting when your spouse does the opposite. Often couples turn away from each other not out of malice but out of mindlessness. They get distracted and start taking each other for granted. 

Realizing the importance of little moments and paying more attention to them is enough to solve the problem in many cases. But sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing each other. 

For example, when one partner rebuffs the other, it could be a sign of hostility over some festering conflict. Gottman suggests that when one spouse regularly feels the other just doesn’t connect enough, often the cause is a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence.

Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you a feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There’s a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area — some people have a greater and more frequent need for connection, others for independence. 

A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this spectrum — as long as they are able to understand the reason for their feelings and respect their differences. If they don’t, however, hurt feelings are likely to develop.

If you feel like your spouse gives you the cold shoulder in little ways throughout the day, or if your spouse’s concept of closeness feels more like suffocation to you, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to talk it out. Looking at these moments together will give you greater insight into each other and help you both learn how to give each other what you need.

Exercise 3: What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Turn toward You

If one of you is feeling rebuffed by the other lately, or overwhelmed by your spouse’s need for closeness, you should both fill out the form included in the book and then share your answers. There is no answer key for these questions, they are merely a point of departure for discussions with your spouse.

The bottom line of this approach is that there isn’t one reality when a couple misses each other in little ways. There are two equally legitimate perspectives. Once you understand and acknowledge this, you’ll find that reconnecting just comes naturally.

It’s natural to make the fundamental error of assuming that distance and loneliness are all your partner’s fault. In truth they’re nobody’s fault. In order to break the pattern, you both need to admit playing some role (however slight at first) in creating the problem. 

As you work through the exercises above, you’ll become more adept at turning toward each other regularly, and the bond of camaraderie with your spouse will deepen. This more profound friendship will be a powerful shield against conflict. It may not forestall every argument, but it can prevent your differences of opinion from overwhelming your relationship. 

One of the ways friendship does this is by helping to balance the power between husband and wife.

When you honor and respect each other, you’re usually able to appreciate each other’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. 

When there’s an imbalance of power, there’s almost inevitably a great deal of marital distress.

Gottman, John  M., and Nan Silver. (1999). “Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead  of away,” in The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work  (Chapter Five, 79-97). New York: Three Rivers Press (Random House, Inc.). 

From this chapter, what is the hardest thing for you to hold yourself accountable to?

Don't Worry...

2011-05-04T22:20:00.002-05:00

Photo from BriceBaum.com

Be happy...? Or how about, just don't worry! Sometimes we can worry ourselves sick about things we have no control over, things that we do have control over, or things that will never ever ever happen. All of this worrying can turn into severe anxiety and effect us in many areas of our lives. Below is a very simple flow chart that could change your view on the things you worry about. Although simple, it can be hard to live by. Ask yourself these questions next time you are worrying about something, most likely you'll end up in the same place every time -----> So Don't Worry :)

got this here.

The best question...is the first one.

What are you worrying about these days? Can this chart help you?

April is Counseling Awareness Month!

2011-04-28T14:06:00.001-05:00

Ever wonder what the difference is between seeing a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or a Social Worker? The American Counseling Association explains:

Counseling is distinguished from other mental health disciplines by both its history and its emphasis. Other helping professions such as psychiatry and clinical psychology concentrate primarily on the treatment of severe emotional disorders. Social work deals basically with the social and legal aspects of assisting others in need. In contrast, counseling focuses on development and the prevention of serious mental health problems through education and short-term treatment. It emphasizes growth as well as remediation. Counselors work with persons, groups, families and systems who are experiencing situational and long-term problems. Counseling’s emphasis on development, prevention, and treatment make it attractive to those seeking healthy life-stage transitions and productive lives (Cole & Sarnoff, 1980; Romano, 1992).

Counseling has not always been such an encompassing and respected profession. It has evolved over the years. Nevertheless, many people, unaware of its evolution, associate all counseling with schools or equate the word guidance with counseling. As a consequence, old ideas are mistaken for innovations. C.H. Patterson, a pioneer in counseling, once observed that some writers in counseling journals seem “ignorant of the history of the counseling profession…[and thus] go over the same ground covered in the publications of the 1950s and 1960s” (Goodyear & Watkins, 1983, p.594). A similar criticism could be made of the general public. Therefore, it is important to examine the history of counseling because a counselor who is informed about the evolution of the profession is more likely to make real contributions to the field.

Reference: Counseling: A Comprehensive Profession, Third Edition, Samuel T. Gladding, 1996.

To learn more interesting facts about counseling during Counseling Awareness Month from ACA.org go here.

What are your thoughts about counseling?

Don't shoot the messenger.

2011-04-21T22:45:00.001-05:00

What do you think about this? It makes for a great debate at dinner tonight.

Stress vs. Anxiety

2011-04-19T00:52:00.002-05:00

Are you stressed or anxious? Often these two words are used interchangeably when they can actually be very different from one another. Stress occurs when we we become overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, worried, or nervous. When we are stressed, adrenaline and cortisol are released in our bodies to help us cope better with the stressful situation. When these hormones flush into our bodies, we are able to concentrate better, become more alert, have a sharper memory, and all of our senses are heightened to help us survive through stressful events. Also, our breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure increase which moves more oxygen-rich blood faster to our brain, heart and muscles to help us fight or flee! Our bodies are protecting us from threats. However, sometimes we don't need all of our physical defense mechanisms in place to deal with everyday stresses such as work, household chores, taking care of children, or marriage...but our bodies still act as if we are in major threat. Too much stress can cause stress on our bodies which can account for a number of various psychological and physical problems.

This is where anxiety may occur. Anxiety can be caused by severe stress and is closely related to fear of something. Our fight or flight hormones kick in here as well. When we are anxious, we are afraid to face something, we fear we will not be able to handle it. Many times the underlying fear of an anxious person is unknown to them until they attempt to uncover the root of their anxiety. Sometimes, if a person was in a high stressful situation and their physical defense mechanisms (sympathietic nervous system) kicked in, overwhelmed their body, and they became fearful of their response and/or the situation, they may have experienced a panic attack. After a first panic attack, many people begin to become extremely fearful that they will have another panic attack in a public place or while driving. Thus, anxiety is created about having anxiety. This is just one example where anxiety and panic attacks may stem from. Anxiety can stem from a number of fears and can sometimes turn into specific phobias. Fears can stem from our thoughts and ideas or actual past experiences that have traumatized us or just scared us. Millions of Americans struggle with anxiety everyday. It is a very common human emotion that functions to protect us from dangerous situations, however, the emotion also arises in perceived danger that can, in fact, be completely harmless.

If you are struggling with anxiety and feel that it is effecting any part of your life, you may want to seek help. Don't let anxiety control your life. A therapist can help you uncover your fears, reprogram your thoughts and responses (yes, even the physical ones!) , and teach you helpful coping skills to take control of your anxiety and lead a happier life.

When we experience the physical responses our bodies put in place to protect us, it is important to be aware whether we are stressed or anxious. In order to help ourselves, we must find the root of the problem to solve the problem.

Can you differentiate your stress and anxiety? Does your body react the same to both or do you have unique symptoms for each?

Knock, Knock

2011-04-13T00:23:00.011-05:00

Did you know research has found that smiling and laughing increases endorphins and can keep you living longer? You probably did, because it makes sense. BUT, did you know you can fake it and it can still have the same effect!? Strack, Martin, & Stepper (1988) found that when participants in their study held a pencil lengthwise between their teeth, the same facial muscles when smiling are engaged. Thus, a message is sent to the brain saying..."I'mmmmmm HAPPY!! Send me happy wonderful chemicals NOW!" The participants' mood actually changed and they were in a better mood per self-report.

What exactly are endorphins? The word endorphins means "endogenous morphine". Endogenous means growing from within. This means we actually have the ability to create our own pain relievers....as in morphine(?!?!)...just by smiling and laughing!? Woah, ok. Ok. The next time you stub your toe on the side on the coffee table, remember to laugh as hard as humanly possible. Or when anything hurts. See if it works!

Better yet, why don't you just try smiling right now. ESPECIALLY if you are having a bad day and you are giving the "kiss of death" eye roll while you are reading this. Come on....crack a little one just for 5 seconds. How does that feel? Are you more relaxed, less stressed, or in a slightly better mood? Smiling and laughing also decrease stress levels. Actually, smiling and laughing have a lot of other effects on the body that some of you may be surprised by:

An increase in the number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

An increase in activated T cells (T lymphocytes). There are many T cells that await activation. Laughter appears to tell the immune system to "turn it up a notch."

An increase in the antibody IgA (immunoglobulin A), which fights upper respiratory tract insults and infections.

An increase in gamma interferon, which tells various components of the immune system to "turn on."

An increase in IgB, the immunoglobulin produced in the greatest quantity in body, as well as an increase in Complement 3, which helps antibodies to pierce dysfunctional or infected cells.

*list found here.

As you can see from the above list, laughter and humor can be incredibly beneficial for someone fighting any sort of disease or illness. More importantly, we may be even able to prevent illness by laughter and humor! Cancer Treatment Centers of America has written an informative and helpful article on Laughter Therapy and Cancer that you can find here.

Still haven't made yourself smile yet? Just TRY it. Or use that pencil trick. Don't be the kitty on the left, just do it.

Ok, so how do you feel?

Dream On.

2011-04-11T23:16:00.002-05:00

We all wonder what our dreams mean and if they even mean anything at all. They must mean something because we are creating all of our dreams with our thoughts and emotions. Our dreams are our own personal movies and we are the directors. We choose the people, the words that we speak and that others speak, our surroundings, and all the emotions and behaviors taking place. There are several theories with regard to the purpose of dreaming. Sigmund Freud believed that our dreams were a "disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish", while Carl Jung believed our dreams to be our unconscious guiding us to solve problems in our waking life and compensating for underdeveloped parts in our waking life.

Interpreting our own dreams can be a very insightful avenue to gain greater self-awareness and to become more connected to our genuine emotions. Sometimes it is hard for us to connect with the way we are feeling about a specific problem or situation, and we may be trying to connect with these emotions in our dreams. We become caught up with many stressful things throughout the day and as we sleep our brain is finally able to process and catch up to what we have experienced. Think about dreaming as therapy. Next time you remember a dream, don't just brush it off, attempt to interpret it and give it meaning because you might be trying to work through something in your real life that you aren't aware of. Here are a few things you can think about or write down about your next dream:

1. What happened?
2. What were all the feelings you had throughout the dream?
3. What thoughts did you have?
4. Who was there?
5. What was the overall mood of the dream?
6. What is going on in your real life right now?
7. Why do you think you created this dream?

This site is an online dream interpretation and you can search for your specific dream to help you understand your dreams better. Keep in mind that the interpretations on this site will not necessarily be correct, you decide your own interpretation that is unique to you (remember, you are the director!). Just use this site as a tool to assist you in your own personal interpretation.

If you are dreaming a lot and remembering your dreams, write them down when you wake up, answer these questions, and journal about what it means for you. This can be very therapeutic and help you make decisions and deal with problems you may be having.

Can't always remember your dreams? Right when you wake up in the morning, try not to start stressing about your day and thinking about everything you have to do. When you wake up, stay still and take a few moments to think about your dreams. This should help you to remember your dreams in more detail.

What is a dream you have recently had and how do you interpret it?

How are you?

2011-04-07T22:31:00.005-05:00

Many of us struggle with various issues from time to time. Sometimes we wonder if our problems are interfering with our lives to the point that we need help. It can be hard to gauge whether our issues are to the point that we are unable to help ourselves. Emotional and behavioral problems can seem small in the beginning and before you know it they have escalated into major problems that can seem uncontrollable. Therapy can be a great way to help prevent an issue from taking over your life or help you to find control and happiness in your life.

How do you know if you need therapy though? If you are even thinking that you need help, now is a good time. When we avoid issues and push them down, they can explode and effect you in a number of ways later in life. If we avoid, avoid, avoid...we can find ourselves with a serious psychological problem one day. Some believe that mental disorders can be genetic. How do you know if you have a psychological problem or if you are well on your way to severely struggling with one? Well, PsychologyToday.com has recently developed an informative assessment to help you figure that out! You can find it here. The test will let you know if you fall into any of the mental health diagnosis categories. If you do, it is important to seek help and have a therapist explain your results from your test. Chances are, you are struggling with an issue and seeing a therapist could help you tremendously. PsychologyToday.com is also a helpful site to search through profiles of psychotherapists in your area and find the right match for your specific needs!

Is there a problem you are dealing with that has already effected you in several areas of your life?

P.S. The above assessment will also tell you if you have a few symptoms of a mental disorder. Do not let this scare you into thinking you have a disorder. We can all have of a symptom here and there of various diagnoses. This does not mean we actually have that disorder. You have to have a certain number of the symptoms to fall under the diagnosis. And REMEMBER these are just labels that man created by forming words and grouping symptoms together. You are not controlled by these labels, you are able to seek help and be a happier and healthier individual.

Her stroke of insight.

2011-04-06T20:50:00.006-05:00

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like if you had a stroke? Or do you ever wonder what someone else is going through who has had a stroke? Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain researcher gives us a good idea in her book, My Stroke of Insight. Not only is she an expert in the field of neuroanatomy, she also experienced a severe hemorrhagic stroke. In her book, she recounts the events leading up to her stroke, detailed memories as the stroke occurred, and the eight years of recovery afterward. Before she had the stroke she had done extensive brain research for a number of years. As a result, the way she perceived and described her experience is unique to most. Below is a famous video of Dr. Taylor telling part of her incredible story:

Interested in meeting her in person? Dr. Taylor may be speaking in a city near you.

Are you more right-brained or left-brained? Could you try to consciously use the other side for an entire day?

Death Anxiety

2011-04-05T23:04:00.005-05:00

A great psychiatrist known as Yalom developed a model of psychotherapy based on Existentialism. Yalom believes that we all have death anxiety, whether we realize it or not, we are constantly dealing with this in our subconscious. We are all striving to have a meaningful life before we die. Thus, all of our anxiety and negative emotions come from our pressure to live a fulfilled life. Our defense mechanisms we have to protect ourselves emotionally stem from death anxiety. At some point in one's life, the thought of his/her own death will cause great anxiety. It can be incredibly scary to think about your own death even for a few moments. Yalom also believes that it is not until we process what death is and accept it, that we are able to actually live happy, meaningful lives. The more we deny and ignore the thought of death, the more death anxiety we have, and the more we lead meaningless isolated lives. Death is an inevitable part of our existence that if we refuse to accept and face during our time on Earth, we may have wasted much of our life being unhappy and failing to allow ourselves to find true meaning in life. A good way to process death is to become more self-aware through journaling, reading, and/or therapy.

Mitch Albom wrote a great non-fiction novel, Tuesdays with Morrie. Many of you are probably familiar with the book. This true story is about a reporter, Mitch Albom, meeting and talking with his former professor, Morrie Schwartz, every Tuesday in the last part of Morrie's life. Morrie had ALS (also referred to as Lou Gehrig's disease) , a terminal disease that progressively degenerates all the neurons in the body until death.

Morrie had accepted death and was living an incredibly meaningful and happy life. He discusses how he was able to reach such content and meaning and teaches valuable life-lessons throughout the book.

Below is an extraordinary interview with Morrie. Fast forward to 4:25 to hear Morrie talk about important life lessons.

You can watch the entire interview here.

What's something you do in your life to have meaning?

P.S. I changed the settings and you can now leave a comment anonymously! I encourage you to answer my end of post questions!

Many Myths=Scary

2011-04-04T23:06:00.002-05:00

Have you been wanting to seek therapy but have been hesitant to make the first step? There are a lot of misconceptions out there about what counseling is exactly. The way the media represents therapy in movies and television is usually very far from the reality of what therapy actually is. Below you will find a list of myths and reality of therapy.

Myth #1: Counseling is only for crazy people

Reality: Many people who attend counseling are bright, skilled, and stable people. These individuals are often struggling with problems in a specific area and seeking personal growth and development. Stressors and difficulties are a part of life for all people. Many argue that the ability to ask for and accept counseling help represents clear evidence of intelligence and sanity.

Myth #2: Counseling is only for problems that are severe

Reality: Most individuals seek counseling for everyday issues like relationship problems, stress, and symptoms of depression. It is true that counseling can be helpful for individuals suffering from severe problems. However, seeking counseling for problems at this level does not represent the majority of clients in counseling. Additionally, attending counseling when problems are mild to moderate can prevent problems from becoming severe.

Myth #3 A counselor does not know me and can’t help me

Reality: Actually, this is one of the most important reasons why counseling can be successful. Since a counselor is not a part of your day to day life, they are capable of being more impartial with less bias. Oftentimes, family and friends tell you what you should do. Counseling involves a unique relationship where you are encouraged and challenged to find the answers that are right for your life.

Myth #4: Counselors just sit there, nod, and stay silent

Reality: Many stereotypes and depictions of counselors in movies have led to their image being "touchy-feely", reading your mind, detached, or ineffective. Most counselors today are active and engaged, using questions, reactions, and interventions to help you move towards your goals. It will be important to consider how active you want your counselor to be and inquire about this when working to find a counselor that is right for you.

Myth #5: Counseling takes forever

Reality: The length of counseling depends on the client’s goals, motivation, and the severity of the problems brought into counseling. However, most counseling is short-term, generally lasting between eight and fifteen sessions. Good counselors are invested in helping you meet your goals so you can successfully operate independent of counseling.

Myth #6: Everyone will know I'm seeing a counselor

Reality: Counselors our bound by professional ethics and state law to protect your confidentiality and privacy both during counseling and after counseling ends. Only in extreme cases where someone is in imminent danger or a judge mandates release of counseling records can confidentiality be broken. Outside of these circumstances, information can only be shared if you share it or you provide writing authorization for releasing information. A good counselor will explain confidentiality to you at the beginning of counseling.

Myth #7:Couples counseling always makes one person the villain

Reality: Good couples counselors focus on the relationship. While it will be important to gather information from each member of the couple, the purpose is to facilitate relationship change. As a result, each member will look at their role in the current state of the relationship. Rather than labeling someone the villain, the couple’s counselor will encourage both members to make changes leading to improvements in the relationship.

Myth #8: You have to be near a divorce to qualify from marriage counseling

Reality: Marriage counseling can be beneficial for couples who suffer from mild, moderate, or severe problems or couples who just want to attain greater marital happiness and satisfaction. Many married couples avoid counseling until a divorce seems imminent. Counseling does not guarantee that a divorce will not happen, but it can guide you toward the best decision for the relationship.

Myth #9: Couples problems can only be examined in couples counseling

Reality: While it is ideal to work on couples issues as a couple, various approaches exist. Some couples counselors see members of the couple individually for 1-2 sessions to augment couples counseling. Sometimes, members of a couple benefit from attending individual counseling as well to supplement couples counseling progress. In each case, the ultimate goal is to improve the couple’s relationship system and couples counseling remains a good option in many cases.

Myth #10: Counseling will change who I am forever

Reality: Counseling will not require you to make changes you do not like, that you are not ready for, or that go against your beliefs and values. Counseling is designed to facilitate positive change. It is important to keep in mind that you are in charge of the change that you make. If you are unhappy with the changes that are happening, tell your counselor. Counselors want to help you change in the ways that feel beneficial to your life.

Information gathered from:

Rich, H. & Laks Kravits, H. (2001). The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Perfect Marriage. Penguin Group: New York.

Santa Clara Valley Chapter California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Marriage and Family Therapy Top 15 Myths about Therapy “What You Don’t Know Could Hurt You…”

Karen Israel, M.Ed., LPC, BCPC, a local Plano psychotherapist, also writes about the Myths and Truths of Your First Session.

An interesting theory: It was said that Sigmund Freud had his patients lie on a couch during therapy because he was uncomfortable making eye contact with people.

By the way, most psychotherapists and psychologists have you sitting in a chair face-to-face during therapy.

What's keeping you from starting therapy?

I think I can, I think I can.

2011-04-01T17:55:00.017-05:00

Psychologists have found that we have 60,000 thoughts per day. Geez! These thoughts make up everything we believe about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They are in charge of all the decisions we make....and the ones we never make. Our thoughts control everything about us!

They even control all of our emotions. Think about it. (heh) Our thoughts come before our emotions. We tell ourselves something, we believe it to be true, and then we react with an emotion. For example, what are you thinking right before you become anxious? Maybe "I am going to fail at this" or "What if this plane crashes". The thought enters our mind and then bam, we react with anxiety, fear, heart racing, palms sweating and our stomach in knots. We convince ourselves of something, a belief we created about ourselves or the world. All this convincing gets in the way of our life sometimes. We might be scared to take certain chances or have poor self-image. Whatever it may be, most of the negativity in our life is created by our own thoughts.

So, does that mean if I can convince myself into negativity with my thoughts, I can also convince myself that I am a wonderful, great, beautiful, successful, smart, SUPERMAN THAT CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT IN LIFE!?!?!!? yup.

Ok, this is getting exciting now. Are you getting excited? Oh, you're not? Well, why don't you think that this is exciting and then it will be ;) We have CONTROL over our own thoughts, and we can change them at any moment! We just need to become more aware of what these thoughts are. It is hard, there are 60,000 a day, but the good thing is we are the ones creating them.

Positive daily affirmations can be very effective. Even if you do not believe them to be true, after repeating them on a daily basis you will be able to begin to believe them as true. We want to be happy and healthy people enjoying this one life. Affirmations are a great first step to achieving a happier life. A good way to find the right affirmation for yourself, is to think about some negative beliefs you have about yourself or others and change those to be the opposite. Another helpful affirmation is an overall positive affirmation about yourself. Replace those negative thoughts with positive ones, each time the negative thought arises.

Dr. Athena Staik wrote a wonderful article about daily affirmations and included these 10 affirmations:

I am willing to think thoughts that enrich my life and relationships.
I love and accept every aspect of myself and my life – just as I am.
I consciously choose what is good for my mind, body and spirit.
I consistently act to cultivate healthy, mutually enriching relationships with those I love.
I have the power and wisdom and strength to handle all situations in my life.
I allow and welcome change, new understanding and growth when I face challenges.
I let go of blame and speak my truth authentically — without judging my self or others.
I am focused on what is good, wonderful in my life.
I seek to honestly assess areas of needed growth, and rise above problems by framing them as solutions.
I allow myself to feel boundless joy now.

And if you don't want to do any of those, you may want to do some of these:

What will your positive affirmation be for today?

argue fashionably.

2011-03-31T15:33:00.012-05:00

All couples argue and disagree. Yes, healthy happy couples too. What differentiates the happy couples from the unhappy couples is the way they argue. Most couples are arguing about the same things the couple across the street are arguing about; finances, the kids, house chores, etc. Problems arise when we begin to treat each other poorly during these arguments.

Dr. John Gottman is a famous researcher who began to study couples over 30 years ago. He studied couples in his "Love Lab" where he hooked them up to equipment reading their physiology and video taped them as they talk to one another. He analyzed thousands of couples in this way. He coded facial expressions, verbal language, body language, heart rate, and skin conductivity. After extensive research, he was able to come to some extremely interesting conclusions and theories. The glory of his ongoing research, that still continues after 35 years, is he is able to follow up with these couples to find out if their marriage failed or succeeded. This gives his theory so much credibility! His claim to fame is that he is able to listen to a couple speak to each other for 15 minutes and know if their marriage will succeed or fail. Eek! Kind of makes you want to see if he is sitting next to your table at dinner tonight. It's not surprising he was voted one of the top ten most influential psychotherapists of the past quarter-century by Psychotherapy Networker.

Gottman determined that there were four styles of communication he saw persistently in unhealthy marriages that usually ended in divorce. He named these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Below is a video that gives an explanation and an example of real couples from his love labs. Each of the four styles will be covered. It is important to note that all couples engage in this type of communication and behavior at some point or another. However, the couples who habitually treat one another in this way could be on their way to divorce.

Once again, many happy healthy couples engage in this behavior at times. How often this sort of communication is happening is the key. Gottman found that contempt was the most dangerous of the four to have in a marriage. If this behavior was consistent and the person failed to change this behavior, the marriage almost always failed. Contempt seems to look very much like criticism. The difference is contempt has an underlying motive of wanting the other person to feel inferior to you and also having a complete lack of respect for them. Contempt forms a hierarchy in a marriage, putting one person above the other. Contempt is also very prominent in verbally and/or physically abusive relationships. Not to say that all couples who experience contempt in their relationship also experience abuse.

A huge non-verbal sign of contempt that Gottman found is...eye-rolling. Yup, that's right. Think of that next time you roll them back there. Let's face it, when we do that, we are pretty much saying "I'm strongly judging something you are doing as stupid". An article in healthnewsdigest.com calls eye rolling "the kiss of death to a relationship".

If you are guilty of having some of the Four Horsmen of the Apocalypse over for dinner almost every night, there is still hope for your relationship to succeed. Please do not assume that your relationship is doomed. These four behaviors can be changed when you become aware of them and make an effort to change your style of communication. You have the control over your own behaviors. The effort will have to be conscious and deliberate on a daily basis until it becomes natural. It can be very difficult to alter your communication style, especially if you feel incredibly disconnected or hurt in your relationship. If you feel you or your spouse are beyond changing these behaviors you may want to consider couples counseling.

Here is an article that has some helpful tips on how to alter the way you and your partner or spouse interact in order to have a long-lasting and happy relationship.

So many friends...so MUCH time...

2011-03-30T20:50:00.001-05:00

So, we have all heard people talking about how facebook keeps us connected but at the same time it furthers us physically from one another. We have less physical and verbal contact with people like we used to. Really...do we need to go see Susie's new baby in person, we saw lots and lots of pictures of her on facebook! AND, I can watch her grow for the next 18 years and never really meet her. What does all of this really mean? Why are we all so obsessed with this site and why is it making us connected and isolated all at the same time?

A brilliant psychotherapist named Alfred Adler came up with a theory called Individual Psychology. He actually worked closely with Freud for much of his career. Too bad he is not still alive, because Adler would have loved to witness the world of facebook.com. He believed that healthy people have "social interest". This means we strive for belonging in a community. We want to feel connected to others and this helps us to protect ourselves from feelings of inferiority. The more connected we are to others, well, the more superior we feel. And that feels gooooood. He also believed that social interest is manifested through how we view ourselves in relation to the external world. What better way to compare our lives to others than facebook!? Of course we are LOVING this! Wait. But Adler also said that if we do not have social interest we can become too self-involved and isolate ourselves from the world. Facebook-- self-involved? YES! Feelings of inferiority arise as we begin to consciously or subconsciously compare our lives to others. So, we are trying to become connected to others, while isolating ourselves from real physical connections, and being incredibly self-involved. It's only natural, people. It's our human nature. Technology has found a way to completely take advantage of our weaknesses and our strengths all at the same time. (oh, and thanks for reading my blog :)

With that said, there is a lot of talk today about "facebook depression" Some people believe it's an issue. Some people do not. What do you think about it?

what came first...the brain or the heart?

2011-03-29T21:34:00.004-05:00

We love to say our emotions come from our heart. We have "sayings" that we all use that help others understand how we are feeling.

*♥broken* a heavy ♥*

*from the bottom of my ♥*

*♥ache * cross my♥*

*♥ less*

Do our emotions actually come from our heart or our brain? Researchers maintained for a number of years that our emotions were strictly connected to thoughts developed by the brain. But there must be a reason that we have all literally felt emotions coming from our heart at some point or another. This article makes sense of it all.

It's all the same in the brain.

2011-03-29T19:24:00.001-05:00

When talking about relationships we love to say things like "I was thinking with my heart and not my head". What we really mean is, we let our emotions rule us. And if we really want to get into it and strip it down, we mean that our emotions led us to choose a behavior that hurt us. And when we get hurt in relationships...sometimes it really hurts. That's because our brain perceives emotional pain (specifically rejection) the same as it does physical pain. This article explains this reality in great depth. And this is the actual study.

It's no wonder some of us protect ourselves by putting up walls and avoiding commitment after we have been hurt emotionally. In the same way we make sure we don't touch a hot stove, because our brain tells us it will burn us badly. Our brain processes these two experiences very similarly.

What are some of the ways you protect yourself?