Sadly, “The Black Advisor” also happens to be #profwiki2. yeah… >_<

It’s the time of year for doctoral students to do their annual reviews. Given who my advisor is, we know this did not go well. He was really only concerned about telling me he was worried over how I looked to the department rather than actually helping me put together a plan that would have lined up a great education, thereby making me look good. Three weeks after I first attempted to get help (aka “advising”), this is is what I ended up with:

Telling him how I really felt would NOT have been helpful...

This, in the midst of prepping for surgery, needing to apply to jobs, planning ways to catch up on all the foundational knowledge I don’t have, and trying to find a more affordable place to live. I know I’m a Gemini, but this is too much, even for me! Fortunately, my advisor finally accepted it (and offered more recommendations! yes, I’m confused):

Ultimately, I’m proud of what I crafted, but given the lack of information, I don’t have much faith in it. Here’s the story of how it all went down…

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG

WITH NOT BEING A FINISHER.

Nothing! Some of us are mavens of ushering things along through the dredges of middledom and others of us are great at tying up loose ends. The rest of us are mostly catalysts (sure, there are plenty of people gifted with a great ability to see things from start to finish, but I think these folks are rarer than our society is willing to admit). For those of you scoffing at me, let me say that all of these things can be learned, just as a person can learn to become a great public speaker. However, just as there are people who have great oratory gifting, with little to no training (hence the term “gifting”), there are people who are gifted with certain aspects of project/task management. My gift is getting things started. More specifically, I’m a Connector-Persuader.

sn: I could launch into a bit about learning our gifts & building teams that complement these gifts, but there are entire courses on that, so I won’t.

As you can imagine, this disposition is rather difficult for someone on this road called academia. Everything we do is about finishing: When will you finish your coursework? When do you take your qualifying exams? When will you finish your dissertation? When will you begin your first research project now that you’ve been hired? The list goes on… So what does an aspiring PhD do in this situation? So far, the only answer I’ve ever had to such a question is to keep plugging away until I find myself at the magic finish line. This is not working for my morale on this academic journey. But never fear, I do have motivation!

And this is why I plug along at this degree. I know that at the end of the journey, I’ll have the skills, network, and positioning to do all that catalyst research I want to do. Sure, I’ll have to actually *finish* research projects, but that whole bit about building teams of people with complementary styles? Yeah, that will certainly be in effect. Not to mention the whole motivation of actually getting something started with my work. I’m all for finishing starting things. ^_^

I should add, I do actually finish things! Since we’re talking about academics, let’s note that I finished high school, college, AND a master’s degree. My overall message is just that I…

So anyhoo, it was a slow month, academically/professionally, so only a few things:

4.2

I discovered the Feds really screwed up financial aid… (I knew about nixing subsidized loans for grad students, but that other stuff? O_o)

4.13 & 4.16

Went back to  the E.R.; turned out to be a pointless visit (my local hospital sucks major ass). Ultrasound was already scheduled for Monday. Doctor decided I need surgery. We decide on June.

4.18

I was still so ill from my ovary flareup that I missed my meeting with the P.I. my prospective pre-dissertation research site. It took me two months to get in with him & he sounded incredibly frustrated by the time I was able to get in touch with him. I felt like emailing to apologize (some more) would make matters worse, so I went back to bed. Now I feel like it’s too late. Writing about this makes me angry with myself all over again.

4.19

I decided I would go ahead & tag team a class lesson with Prof. G. I was really excited about the chapters we’re reading… on what is now the day of my surgery. *sigh* But he said we might be able to shift the lesson to another day. \o/

4.20

I got accepted to the Summer School on Socioeconomic Inequality! I’m disappointed that the faculty is so not diverse (*refrains from diatribe on the irony*), but it’ll be interesting to see how things go.

4.24-25

I decide to move up my surgery ‘cuz I still feel like crap & things normally resolve by this stage. Of course, I’m worried about missing school, but I figure I’d rather miss a week than die while writhing in pain. Although I’m actually really excited to get things resolved, I ended up getting scheduled on the one day I was über excited to go to class. *le sigh*

I also quit my job so that I could have time to prepare & (in my fantasies) get ahead in classes. Giving up money was a bittersweet decision, but it’s not like I was bringing in enough money to make even half a dent in these medical bills, so  *shrug*. I left the door open for a possible summer return, since I’m clearly not going to have time to look for & apply to social work opportunities.

Jan 3: School starts again & I’m not ready, since I spent the whole month of December working & going to field placement in order to get ahead for surgery.

Jan 9: I find out I don’t need surgery. I’m excited for a minute, then I get mad b/c I lost my whole winter break for no reason. So much for prospective.

Jan+: I have THEE hardest time concentrating. I’m not sure how I made it through this month, actually…

Jan 24: My research advisor lovingly informs me that, while i did a great job on my little test project, it it completely unusable (for reasons I can’t share). I would also like to share my reaction, but that, too, would be saying too much. At least I know – wait, I can’t tell you that, either.

Jan 25: My group puts on what we think is a FANTASTIC presentation, only to have Prof. Anal slam it to pieces, throw us under the bus, & make us write an extra paper. Within two days. We subsequently rock it out.

Jan 26: I meet up w/ @patrickdshaffer & fall prey to #themeyes. No, not in that way (pfft, that happened AGES ago). Instead, I’m doing some consulting work for his church, @thecityoffaith. I let him know that I am concerned about how this will bode for both my professional and my academic life, but mostly my academic life.

Feb 1: I got hit by a truck. –____________________________–

Feb 9-12: @elledub_1920 stayed w/ me for the weekend & it was awesome. We went to go see Zo! & Sy Smith the night she got here.  I got very little work done, but I realized that spending time with friends was SO much more important than academics for the time being.

Feb 11: I beg for help getting newmom a stroller. No such luck. (She later gets one via another department at my agency.)

Feb 14: Prof Wiki2 reveals himself. >:-[

Feb 16: I decide I want proof of my genius status:

Then My field consultant asked me to drop out of the PhD portion of my program. O_o

Feb 21: I attend a talk on clinical ethnography & meet a researcher working with the very young people I should be hitting up in a coupla years. He informally invites me to tack my project onto his. I’m ECSTATIC. I skip yoga for the first time in MONTHS, but actually managed to finish my paper before 4am.

Mar 5:

also this made me incredibly happy:

Mar 8: Frances Fox Piven gave a lecture at school & I got to have dinner with her. Awesomesauce.

Mar 9-16: Finals. I just… *sigh* with all this schooling i have, how did i miss all them lessons on critical theory??? thankfully i have some friends who answered my plea for help. (I’d already planned to read Foucault; I’m now adding Nahum Chandler, Hortense Spillers, Mignon Moore, Roderick Ferguson, Audre Lorde, & E. Patrick Johnson/Mae G. Henderson to add to my list.)

Mar 14: my field placement supervisor wanted to doc points off my evaluation for this term because she was upset about the results of a program evaluation she’d asked me to do in the prior term. we had a 2-hour conversation about how i violated her trust & hurt her feelings by providing the information when asked about it in a team meeting. i was reminded that, no matter what they tell you, people don’t want to hear the truth. if you’re gonna tell them, you gotta prepare them for what they’ll hear & let them decide whether they want to run with that truth or do something else with it. in the end, it was a really good lesson in the politics of working with other people. ultimately it really was my fault for not seriously considering that the apparent group rapport was just that – “apparent”. but we worked it all out & i have a much clearer understanding of how to work with her.

Mar 18: I got to catch up with #newmom & the babies. They’re getting so big! ^_^

Spring Break: I totally forget to apply to MENSA. I also tried reaching out to prospective research advisors for next year (and possibly the summer). I only hear back from one; he’s not doing work along my lines anymore. I decide to just accept the job… but I don’t really feel settled about it.

also, my grades: B+, A-, A, P, P. i am highly pleased.

furthermore: i read some ethnographic work while sitting on the beach. it was great.

Mar 26: 

Mar 27: prof g suggested i start the relationship building portion of my dissertation next year. i expressed concern b/c we’re not allowed to begin work on our dissertation until our proposals are approved & we can’t submit our proposals until we pass quals. prof g. suggested i get an IRB for a pilot project instead & then allow that to grow into something bigger for my dissertation. i heart he.

Mar 29: i haz a sad.  turns out our IRB doesn’t give approval until our dissertation proposals have been approved. still can’t get that until after i take quals. program chair says i can go ahead & start doing the work, but i can’t publish any of it b/c there won’t be IRB approval. *sigh* sure, it makes sense to go on & do it, just for the sake of saving time (determining feasibility, etc.), but to be making all those connections and not be able to publish??? i have yet to write anything even close to journal worthy & am the only member of my cohort not doing research this year. i really do need that summer research opp…

————————-
Rev. Laura L. Mancuso, MS, CRC
Interfaith Chaplain
www.spiritofhealing.info

I CAN’T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR!!!

(once upon a time i had AMAZING fashion sense. now, not so much.)

i had this really cute idea to find some skinny jeans & rock the philly cuff (which apparently isn’t just a philly thing and is also very much still in style). sadly, a) skinny jeans, LOLOLOL!!! & b) i couldn’t find any. no, i didn’t look extensively; i wasn’t about to pay a shit ton of money for this look.

so i decided to go with a classic black & white + red shoe look. i was all fine with that, until i got bored with it. then i decided to wear my tahari “too-dressy-to-actually-BE-denim” skirtsuit w/ a tan shirt. i was cool with that, until i realized it was a suit. i mean, i LOVE suits, but i felt the occasion called for something else (i honestly have no idea and may end up wearing a suit anyway).

i had a storm of ideas while i was out running errands today. (some of) this is what came of it. some of these outfits are the product of me just playing in my closet. as you can see, i seriously need help. i may just end up in a suit or that black & white outfit, at the end of it all, but suggestions are welcome. (sn: i know some of you get paid to dress people. that’s awesome. no disrespect to your hustle; if i had it, i’d hire you!)

a few important things:

1. i know my hair is on some superduper sahara-dry struggle right now & i’m not sure why. i eventually got sick of trying to make it look presentable. given its current thirst level, i’m probably gonna end up doing some sort of protective cornrow/twist style instead of the fro.
2. no, i’m not smiling in any of the pics. trying on clothes is exhausting!
3. i’m not sure why i’m stuck on wearing red clothing to go w/ the shoes. however, i do realize that red tank top is not the same color as my shoes. i’m not sure what to do about that, ‘cuz i’m not really interested in shopping for a new one. i do have black, white, purple, gray, & navy as other options.
4. now that i’ve finally finished this post, i’m not so sure any of these is a good option. but i’m tired & it’s written now. and my blog is missing updates. so there we are.

without further ado…

Click to view slideshow.

So anyway, as you may have noticed as of late, this blog supports The Red Pump Project, an organization (founded & run by black women!) that:

raises awareness about the impact of HIV/AIDS on women and girls. Our mission is to promote HIV prevention through education, and open dialogue about the issues that surround sexual and reproductive health. We do work online and on the ground to motivate action and encourage dialogue about the effects of the disease.

I’m all for that. I could get into all the statistics, like how every 47 minutes, a woman tests positive for HIV in the USA,* or how black women are infected with HIV at a rate more than 15 times higher than that of white women.** However, I’m fully aware that people don’t like reading all that stuff. So I’ll just keep it simple:

I care about HIV/AIDS because I should have been one of those statistics.

As I’ve shared in a previous post, most of my sexual experiences have been unprotected. Why? Because I was too afraid to stick up for myself. Because I had low self-esteem. Because I trusted people who didn’t have my best interest in mind, rather than trusting my own self. I’ve only had a handful of sexual partners, but

~all it takes is one~

Based on the way I handled myself, I should have five or six kids and at least as many diseases. Thankfully, I don’t. I am one of the lucky ones. Never again will I put myself on the line in such a way. I #RockTheRedPump because I want women & girls to know that we deserve to be healthy. We deserve to love ourselves enough & have partners that love us enough – love themselves enough – to use protection and get tested with us regularly. I want women & girls to know that we deserve to be free of HIV/AIDS & that it starts with us.

If you’re in Chicago, I have an extra ticket to the Rock The Red Show, hosted by @KimColes on March 24th, available for $25 (a friend has blessed me with an upgrade, so I’m selling mine.) Contact me if you’d like to purchase it.

Go get tested; know your status. And use condoms.***

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

*WomensHealth.gov
**Centers for Disease Control

***If you’re like me & find that condoms irritate your vagina, try using non-lubricated ones. It turns out the spermicide and lubricants used in pre-treated condoms is pretty horrible on the vajayjay & those of us with sensitive systems have rather pronounced reactions. You may not have rampant yeast infections after all! Trojan is the only company I’ve found that still makes non-lubed condoms. You’ll need a water-based lube with the least amount of crap in it. I use Astroglide X, as I can’t handle the ingredients in the standard version. And every GYN I’ve ever had agrees with me on this: KY is the devil.

~NO EXCUSES~

As I said, these are my notes from her lecture, so they’re not edited, etc. I’m ridiculously behind on my finals, so this is how things’ll stay. BUT Frances told us to go find her video(s) on YouTube, since Russell Simmons basically jumped on her bandwagon when they were at Zuccotti Park. I’ve posted it here for you, if you make it to the end. (Yes, I wanted to get a pic w/ her, but I just didn’t quite feel right asking. She’s a spitfire of a lil woman, tho’! And FYI: she likes red wine. Especially malbec.)

protest movements that well up from the bottom (poor/working/oppressed) have been responsible for the body of unionizing policies that we have in the US.

• w/o them we wouldn’t have elements of electorate democracy
• tea party NOT welling up from the bottom (duh). 93% white, all better off than most other americans
•  there would have been no american revolution w/o the working & poor classes. the elites didn’t do any of that fighting!

abolitionist movment – 1830s; networked via protestant churches = incredible force

• abolition was a protest movement! i knew this, but it clicks more right now..

populist movement: farmers who set up shop around railroads, ended up captive by the railroad industry (prices to move livestock)

• defeated in 1896 (had formed coalition w/ democratic party)
• ideas: gov’t to provide credit to farmers & …???

labor movement: goes back to beginnings of 19th C

• until 1930s, supreme court was staunch enemy of unions
• FDR’s election: result of voters moving over to democratic ticket
• american welfare state would not have existed w/o all this
• sit down strikes: been outlawed in numerous legislation b/c of how effective they are
• workers hold hostage the plant & equipment (can’t put replacement workers in)

no movement ever totally triumphs, but they win something
(maybe there’ll be one that does totally triumph in the future?)
~frances piven

• first contract ever signed committed the union, not only to never call strikes, but also to prevent strikes

civil rights movment: 1960s-70s [she didn't go too in-depth on this one b/c she felt like it should be fresh in everyone's memory as it was the most recent movement. god bless her 80 year old heart]

it’s all glorious history, but when the movements subside, partly b/c winning something  reduces movement’s legitimacy, movements have to regroup & reassert

1st reaction of american biz [to issues e.g. arab oil crisis, unions, etc.] was not to do what’s in the biz books, but to emulate labor & civil rights movements – targeted the expansion of the safety net, wished to roll back: unions, taxes on affluent, regulations (work, environmental, & financial)

• even after the market crash began in 2007-08, biz held on to deregulation dreams
• corporate interest on the state level has been tied to republican efforts to roll back voting rights for minorities & the poor

movements do 2 things that conventional electoral politics can’t:

1. they’re really fabulous communicators
2. they push new issues into the political arena that politicians (on all sides) don’t want there b/c they’re divisive issues. politicians avoid divisive issues; they like to talk about nice things. and wars.
3. they like to make noise

#occupy has been concerned about the first movement tasks thus far, they’re just now turning to the 2nd tasks: strikes & similar efforts.

• wages were stagnant
• ppl who’d worked hard to position themselves for stable lives couldn’t find jobs
• need another component: delegitimization – gotta show ppl that this stuff isn’t natural
• the typical economist response is not sufficient

what happened to american economy was NOT a result of nature (population growth, etc.); american finance/banks were responsible.
~frances piven

there’s a sort of magic moment when ppl feel they can accomplish something in the face of current state of things.

• be aware that when writers talk about “the spark” they really don’t know what that is; nobody does

#occupy is brilliant: when ppl ride buses, march, etc., nobody worries b/c the authorities know that ppl are gonna go back home. nobody knows when the occupiers will go home.

• over time, officials became worried about the communication happening in occupy camps – the movement was small, but the message had traction.
• dismantling the camps was a ‘mistake’ b/c it pushed occupiers into the community & began the 2nd phase of movement – will expand in spring

1) there will be a lot of ppl worrying about 2012 elections & rightly so.

• ppl who are concerned will be tempted to scold protesters & tell them to work for campaigns
• there is electoral politics & there is movement politics, but in fact the movement is ALREADY affecting electoral politics & it will affect it more as the campaign grows.
• they don’t proceed along separate tracks: movements influence public opinions!

2) movements take a very irregular shape

• e.g., the civil rights movement began in tallahassee before the montgomery boycott. also albany, ga & others.
• movement development is erratic, so beware & stick with it. this movement is important & it needs all of us.

[this next part is q & a. wherever it says "i", that's frances speaking, not me]

on race & #occupy:

• has been predominantly white. has attracted support from black & brown activists, but has been white b/c the institutions that have provided the recruits have been high-end universities.
• i think that will be less true as the occupation moves out into the worksforce & into foreclosures, etc. but i would like to see another coming together: #occupy & poor ppl in the US. statistics now show that, if we use a REASONABLE poverty line (not the one our feds use), we see that 1 in 3 americans are poor. meanwhile the programs that partly sustain poor people have been cut. but we see little protest from among poor ppl. i think that reflects, in part at least, the extraordinary shaming that the poor have been subject to in american political culture. targeting them & shaming them has been a major strategy for getting all these cuts & for weakening the democratic party. it’s also a strategy for demonizing the poor themselves. although the poor have other resources for defining themselves, it’s hard to fight against a 40 year campaign designed to criminalize them, etc.
• #occupy could be a very important source of support for those who find themselves poor in the united states. my past observations w/the poor is that it’s not about changing ppl’s minds, then getting them to join the movement. i think it’s the opposite: joining the movement opens people’s minds to what could be. i think #occupy’s language is class-based language [that needs to change].
• [ok, this is me]: i asked frances about this at dinner. my concern was how do we get people involved if we don’t first get them to understand the value. she responded by saying that people have to understand the value via their own volition (hence why i felt like a dumbass). she said that she was thinking of the welfare rights movement & how black women came together realizing that although they were not included in the mainstream women’s movement, they had a reason to fight anyway (in addition to the other, more glaring issues of the day). basically, nobody from the women’s movement came to these ladies & said, “hey, this is about you, too!” (mostly because they had no fucks to give), but the women who rallied around welfare rights saw this as their issue to battle during the women’s movement. 
• quite honestly, i don’t think frances answered the original question OR my question, but she made interesting points, nonetheless. i’m sure there’s a whole other discussion in that tactic, but i don’t have the time. feel free to have at it in the comments!

on the source of piven’s optimism about #occupy, in light of her work re: rollback of existing provisions

• historical evidence shows that elites might be ready to give, but they won’t give it. example of labor movement: the rich decided to stop fighting the workers desire for a union & shift to taming the unions instead of masses of workers

on how to be both an activist and a scholar [oh, i got SO giddy when my fellow student asked this question!]

• mostly ppl get a little bit older & say they’re “burned out”, but really worried about keeping their jobs, getting tenure, etc.
• this happens to most ppl; it’s the young who are the radicals. as many of us older folks as possible should be at least helping them.
• you have to give great weight to what you do as an activist – more weight, even, than you give to your work as an academic. EVERYTHING on the job will be pushing you academically, but if you don’t have activist friends, it’ll be very hard to stay connected to movement work

on movements & (morally bankrupt) electoral systems

• that perspective completely ignores the gilded age, etc. parties have always been drowning in money, beholder barons. this aspect of american politcs has not changed so much.

to what extent is it worthwhile to mobilize against retaliatory restrictions on mobilizing? do ppl just need to get used to the idea of being arrested?

• yes, just get used to getting arrested.

re: #occupy “general strike” for 5/1

that’s nice, but that’s a demonstration. u don’t strike for just a day; u don’t go back until they’re ready to negotiate. ~piven

referencing (ML) king: those who say that you have to develop your policy demands are pretending that they are willing to do something about the problem & all they lack is the formulated policy

you don’t get anything without fighting for it & you’ll lose it if you don’t fight again.
~frances piven

mmmm... harold's... waaawwwggghhh...

Then I got hit by a truck the first day of February. I couldn’t cook or clean effectively & thus my diet became Harold’s Chicken & Chinese food. And other things I can’t remember but probably weren’t actually food.

And now my cyst is hurting again. Plus, I’m up 5 of those 7 pounds. Damn. But I will say this – the progesterone is DEFINITELY helping me with periods and my sleep cycle (I’ve become quite manic over the past couple years), but I think this cyst situation is all about the diet AND the meds. I’m sure I knew this already, but I think it just goes to show how important food is to the body. We gotta stop eating all this crap!

So now, I’m making the transition back to being all-organic, all-pescatarian everything. As I said a few days ago:

row 1:

row 2:

row 3:

and because that one pair is washed out for some strange reason:

let me know what you think by row number & location (e.g., row 3, left) - please post your commentary *on the blog* lol

also, if you’re shopping for glasses, by all means visit EyeBuyDirect.com (use code IFNC14TVAK & get 15% off)! None of their frames cost more than $50 & the price includes single-vision lenses 9and right now, anti-scratch). Other treatments cost extra, but are not prohibitive. As you can see, they have a nifty tool that lets you see how your glasses will look on you. Even so, if you get your glasses & they don’t fit (or they look terrible on you), you can return them within 14 days for a refund, or within 12 months for replacement. BONUS: They’re having a buy one get one FREE sale right now!

she kinda reminds me of my cousin. which means also me...

First of all, I’m not surprised in the least that teens (especially girls) are seeking validation. This is what we do in our development cycle, so no worries there. What *does* worry me, however, is exactly what the story said: teens are exposing themselves in a very dangerous way.

Reading the story sparked this rant of mine:

Yes, I said I felt ugly coming up. I got teased about it ALL the time & didn’t actually think I was decent looking until some time in college (maybe even after). Adults would tell me all the time that I was “such a beautiful child,” but I always felt like they were obligated to say that. Mama J tried to help me feel better by enrolling me in beauty pageants, bu tthat made things worse, since I never made it beyond the first round. (She couldn’t really afford to be doing all that in the first place, let alone go to the extremes those other parents went to.)

the guy on the left was a classmate i invited to the shoot b/c i was low key crushin' on him...

Things got a little better around jr. high when a neighbor asked my mom to take me to her modeling agency. I was excited about that, but then I started feeling badly because I thought I should be getting more work. (Mind you, I was in Utah at the time…) Then, in high school, I was selected to be one of my school’s two representatives on the ZCMI teen fashion board. That wasn’t good enough, either, since there were only two of us who applied from my school. Of course, I know better now; I mean, look at me!

But back then? Nawl… I got a wee bit of support from my peers, but most people were quiet or just low-key shady about everything. The last thing I needed was to put my face out to billions of people for them to get bold and spew hatred!

I eventually started to realize I’m kinda cute when I hit my late 20s. Yes, my late twenties. It’s überdifficult to overcome being called ugly by all of your peers from kindergarten through 5th grade. And that was just what? A few hundred people over the course of six or so years. Imagine thousands of people telling you how ugly they think you are, all in the span of a few days or weeks. The human spirit was not built for that.

So what do we do?

1. Love ourselves.
2. Love our children.
3. Love our communities as a whole.

Even though it took me so long to heal, part of the reason I was finally able to do so was because I had a few loving peers and a TON of loving adults over the years. There is no reason young people should feel the need to turn to the internet to find out what people think of them. We need to be telling our kids how great they are every day. EVERY DAY. Even when they piss us the fuck off. Instead of yelling, let’s call them out on their behaviour & discuss what that means for them, us, and the other people around. Let us be constructive in how we criticize our children so that they know they can trust us when we tell them that we are beautiful. Let us teach our children how to find validation in themselves, even though it’s in their nature to seek that validation from without. That, my friends, is how we win this battle. Not by buying them stuff, not by trashing their tastes in music (horrible choices though they may have these days), and not by beating them down for what they wear.

We are the adults here; let’s act like it.