This week, my prospective chair announced that he is leaving the university to go to the superawesome Harvard Graduate School of Education. At first I was upset. I’m admittedly still VERY disappointed [insert list of awesome things about our academic connection], but I think he’ll flourish where he’s headed & that’s all I ever want for anybody. (Harvard GSE almost made it to my application list, but Boston. No shade. Okay, shade. But I digress.)

Later that same day, I found out I was rejected for a research fellowship that would’ve connected me to some amazing mentoring and a research experience almost exactly in line with the work I’m planning to do. If I hadn’t been in a room full of people (class had just ended), I would’ve burst into tears.

I think these two things were a necessary push for me:

so i have realized that my #phdorbust journey is going to be more entrepreneurial than the avg student’s. i need to re-strategize. #phdchat

— one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 3, 2013

I don’t have any answers, okay no, I DO have answers. I just need to pay closer attention. As I said on my surgery fundraiser bio (please donate!), my ultimate dream goal is to help homeless youth produce documentaries that will lead to systemic changes that will improve their lives. I don’t need a PhD to make documentaries, but I do need a PhD to participate in the academic research community. Put a pen right there; we’ll be coming back to that thought.

Today I got the chance to talk to the one person I’ve known my entire adult life who isn’t family or a former classmate. We keep in touch, but sometimes life gets in the way of us being able to have a traditional conversation. The Universe saw fit to make that happen today & as usual, Stef let herself be a vessel.

there is a reason i call @stefrenee ‘mama stef’. she be knowin’.

— one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 4, 2013

While talking to Stef, I realized something major: I’ve been wrestling with what my journey should look like, but I think I need to give it a rest.

yeah… i’m behind on research, but i think i need to spend this summer taking some ‘time off’ to refocus my personal & professional lives. — one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 4, 2013

Stef pretty much repeated what I’d realized last night: If I’m gonna do this thing, I’ve got to take more responsibility for making my vision a reality. A few minutes later, she also told me:

“your purpose has to be the thing that drives everything else.” ~ @stefrenee — one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 4, 2013

So about that thought on participating in the academic community.what I want to do makes logical sense. I think I’ve just been going about it all wrong.

#nascentthoughts: i think the source of my #phdorbust conundrum is that i’ve been trying to drive the process when i’m a bridge, not a car. — one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 4, 2013

spiritually, speaking, of course. #phdorbust — one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 4, 2013

I really latched onto the idea that it’s up to the student to make the PhD happen, but completely let go of the fact that grad school is a means to an end. While I do need to be setting myself up for the next step, I need to take a moment to reconnect with The Source & make sure I’m clear on what that ‘next step’ is. I also need to be open to [insert more things that Mama Stef & I talked about but I won't post... for reasons.]

Logistically, I’m behind on almost everything except my coursework.

• I should have had at least one research assistantship completed by the end of this year, but stats happened. I wanted to start back up Spring Quarter, but my advisor put everything on hold until summer. I’m actually kinda glad for that; I’m getting the opportunity to think about what I want my future research to be. This means I will be more informed while selecting my second RAship.

• I have a year to assemble a dissertation committee. That may sound like a lot of time to some folks, but  relationship building takes a lot of time.

• I haven’t published anything. At all. This would be due to me not having any research to publish. (Okay, also because I’m afraid to put my thought paper out there before I can find a trusted mentor & have him/her look it over & help me rework it.)

Of course, I’m now reminded of the things I have done:

• I’m the only person in my cohort with any TA experience. Although it doesn’t count toward any requirements (and no, it doesn’t pay. See the last sentence of this bullet), it doesn’t put me behind. Having the experience does mean I may actually be in a better space for my required TAships. Or possibly a secret thing I can’t talk about yet. And also the cursory CV builder.

• I’ve been needling at my dissertation proposal since I was first accepted into school. By the time this school year is out, I’ll have a few pages of something I can really flush out.

• That whole academic identity crisis where students learn stuff that makes them doubt ALL their research ideas? Yeah, been there, done that. I’ve come full circle & moved on down the path, with regards to what I’m doing & what I hope to accomplish with it. Elevator speech & all. Yes, I’m aware that this smacks of resolution to the above conflict, as presented. I need the answer to “Why this way?” For me.

So anyway, I’ve rambled. I’m not even gonna go back through & see what I wrote because I think I needed to have these moments hours. As I realized the other day:

just had a realization: i’m in the midst of my 2nd yr of a 3-yr LEARNING & TRAINING program. i’m not expected to be great yet. #phdchat

— one name, 2 words (@AmandaMichelle) May 2, 2013

And that three years is only with regards to coursework. I still have another 2 years of funding left to sort out the rest. And by that time, I’ll also have research funding to actually make things happen. This summer, I’m going to give myself the gift of a break. I’m having surgery soon & need to heal anyway, so all I’m planning to do is work, start my second field placement, enjoy the weather, and spend some time figuring out all the stuff I just rambled about. Even that’s still a lot, but at least there will be a little rest. The thing I need most right now is rest.

There are days that the #PhD grind is just that, a grind. It wears you down & you need to find ways to build back up. #PhDchat

— Husni Houssami (@Husni_Houssami6) May 4, 2013

This photo was originally posted on the front page of The University of Chicago School of Social Service Administration website in Fall 2011. The photo was taken on the first day of orientation, when we were brand-spankin’-new & excited to embark on our journey. I had it taken down because I was afraid.

I really wish I could get back into those pants.

My department is the first school of social work in the US. We currently rank 3rd in the country; the entire U of C is number 10 in the world. THE WORLD! (Yeah, I’m floored every time I think about it.) There are days when I love this program and there are days when I hate it, but I am here. That simple fact has afforded me opportunities of which I had never even dreamt. But I realized some time ago: the longer I stay, the more people I meet, and the harder it becomes to keep my “secret”. I used to be quite strong in my decision to remain hidden, but now I’m embarrassed and frustrated, so no more! Reading Adria Richards’ story also helped quite a bit. She’s right, if something should happen, at least people will know where to look for me. (Thank you for sharing, Adria!)

I’ll be updating my online profiles as I have time (read: I’ll probably get all excited & do it as soon as I get back from PT, lol), but it feels good to get this out now. And yes, for those of you who have been walking on eggshells, it’s safe to reference the university in public forums now, LOL!

No country for Ch*yB, St*ve H*rv*y, T*ny G*sk*ns or anyone else telling women not to take precautions with our bodies!

I started writing this post specifically as part of the Stop Ch*yB campaign. Like @KimberlyNFoster said, “It’s important to name your adversary.” At the same time a) Ch*y loves the attention (hence my not spelling out his full name – yes, I know he’ll probably still find this) & b) he’s not the only one, by far. Now, I’ve never followed any of these “relationship coaches”, but I’ve had their nonsense retweeted into my timeline. Generally it goes something like,

@SoandSo: this makes no sense and is completely unsafe RT @AnotherSo_n_So: da fuck? RT @SexistCoach: You’re a whore if [healthy/sex-positive/intellectual thing]. To get a man, you must [stupid/unsafe/patriarchal decision/action].

As of late, people have attempted to engage Ch*y B, specifically, because he is telling women that carrying condoms will turn away the “good man” of their dreams. *dora blink* Although different people have tried a variety of approaches, dude never responds to anyone except those promoting his nonsense. (Although you will see things like, “The guilty are always offended!” addressed to no one in particular. Yeah, that got RTed into my TL, too.) I tweeted Mr. B. with links to studies that show that women who leave safe sex practices up to men are more likely to have unprotected sex – including a study showing black women (his main audience) are at a higher risk. I got no response.*

Regardless of the source, any “advice” that disparages a woman for choosing to share her body with someone else and to share her body safely is not just suspect, it’s DEADLY.

I know it’s not a pump, but it’s slushy out there!

So this year, I’m rocking the red in support of women making healthy, sex-positive choices for themselves and their partners. I’m rocking the red to take a stand against misogynist “relationship coaches” who are determined to strip women of our dignity when all we want is to have healthy, vibrant, fulfilling lives that -GASP- may just happen to include sex!

Why do you #RockTheRedPump?

Greetings, fam. As most of you know, I have Stage IV endometriosis. I found out because an ovarian cyst landed me in the ER. Three times. Via surgery, I found out my particular case includes bowel endometriosis, with adhesions that have fused my colon to my uterus and cul-de-sac. I write this post as I recover from another battle with what I’ve endearingly termed #gutsofire.

endo also causes spelling mistakes. #thismakessense.

Well, this morning, I got up, did my sun salutations, and took my vitamins with a customary glass of water. I cut my hair and tweezed my eyebrows so I’d show up to my second round field placement interview looking human. Just as I prepared to shower, #gutsofire decided it was primetime. Usually, this happens for one of two reasons:

1. I unsuspectingly trigger one of the bagillion food allergies that have developed as a result of the endo.
2. I’ve been plugging along through a couple weeks of constipation (yes, weeks – I even have constipation pants to accommodate the extra girth).

Well, I hadn’t haven’t eaten yet this morning today* and I’ve actually had a few BMs over the past week (\o/), so I don’t think I was constipated. But maybe I was. Or maybe just endometriosis. At any rate, getting sick caused me to miss my interview. Fortunately, my prospective supervisor was very gracious & we’re rescheduled for Monday. (It really sucks having to explain an ‘invisible illness’ to professors and supervisors.)

I haven’t mentioned about this much on here, but my surgeon said my case is the worst she’d seen in her career. There were implants all over my pelvic cavity – on all my organs except my stomach & appendix. While the doctor was able to clean me up, she could not do anything about the endometriosis on my organs or about anything that’s fused together. I also have a cyst on my uterus. She couldn’t remove that, either, not due to impossibility, but due to her own comfort level. I appreciate her not experimenting in my pelvic cavity. She did say, however, “Should you ever need any more surgery, you need to go to the guy who invented it. His name is Camran Nezhat, here’s his website.”**

At any rate, it’s coming up on a year after my surgery and my ovary still hurts when I ovulate each month. I also still don’t poop correctly, although that’s gotten better since started purifying myself from the evils of Seasonale.^ But the #gutsofire remain. And well, who wants their intestines fused to their uterus, or anything else for that matter? So I tweeted @CNezhatMD. He told me to email him. I submitted my medical records & >>fast forward>>

How fitting for #EndometriosisAwareness Month, eh?

So this is where I need your help. Dr. Nezhat is actually within my healthcare network, but as you can see, his practice is in California. I live in Chicago. Also: I’m in grad school. I’m planning to have my surgery in mid-June, partly because I’m waiting for the school year to end, but mostly because I need to raise the money for this surgery. So far, I know I will need $2500 for the surgical assistants’ fee. I don’t know what my total is just yet, except that it will be significantly more than $2500, especially once I add in airfare & lodging. Since it will take some time to raise the funds and figure out the insurance, I wanted to give people the heads up. I’m applying to HopeMob to do the crowdfunding, and will update the blog as soon as the details roll in.

Overall, I’m quite excited about this. I truly admire Dr. Nezhat’s work and he’s able to fix things other surgeons cannot. This seems like a win, all around. Thanks for reading & please stay tuned.

*It’s taken forever to write this post. Shall we play “Count the Chairnaps”?

**(My surgeon has minimal bedside manner. I wasn’t sure she ever smiled until my 3-month post-op ultrasound. She was so excited about how my ovaries looked that she almost did a jig. It was incredibly cute!)

^It’s not listed here, but a little known fact: hormonal birth control can cause or contribute to constipation. Found that out from my other provider.

Me + Celeste Watkins-Hayes  X same table = MANDA SUPERGIDDY

For all the drama we endure in this program, we have some absolutely fabulous opportunities to rub elbows with the world’s top scholars. I specifically requested that this particular scholar come to visit this year and I’m ecstatic that the coordinators were able to make it happen! In case you’re wondering, her presentation was on the results of The Health, Hardship and Renewal Study, which investigates how women with HIV/AIDS navigate (or avoid) existing services. It turns out quite a few people in my program are focusing on the same or similar issues.

As a bonus, I was able to score a one-on-one with Dr. Watkins-Hayes after her talk! *runs in more circles* Of course, I started by gushing about how we read her book in my first Master’s program and how much I appreciated her work. She seemed genuinely shocked when I told her she inspired me. I don’t understand this shock, but I digress.

After asking about my research interests, Dr. Watkins-Hayes gave me some pointers for how to direct my study. I hadn’t thought of the things she suggested, but I think I have a great article/background chapter idea on my hands. I’d been mulling over parts of the points she made, but sometime you really need that one conversation to make everything coherent. \o/

We also talked about what it’s like to be a Black woman in academia (and yeah, I said “navigate ‘Blackademia.’” She thought it was cute, lol.) Dr. Watkins-Hayes encouraged me to build my village, in addition to my committee. I kind of expected that part, but definitely needed to hear it. However, what she said next threw me for a loop for half a minute minute:

Busy academics have lots of requests, so you have to get their attention by doing good research.
How does someone filter requests? They often choose who they will work with based on the quality of your work.

You people can have your celebrities; I like my researchers, thankyouverymuch. Also: click the image for a link to purchase the book.

In retrospect, I’m not quite sure why I was shocked by this. It only took a minute for me to connect the dots: working with a student needs to be beneficial to both parties – the student AND the professor. Besides, who has time or patience to try to drag along an under-performer or someone who just wants to ride along on your good name?

Although I pretty much have 2/3 of my committee set, I’ve spent a good portion of this year worried about who my outside person will be. Talking with Dr. Watkins-Hayes reminded me that I need to slow down and get through all the steps of my process. I haven’t published anything for anybody’s journal yet; I really need to focus on that. The outside person will come once I build real relationships with the advisors I have in my own department. Duh, Amanda Michelle, duh.

So anyhoo, #shoutout to Courtney Patterson, a fellow Penn Alumna who gets to be Dr. Watkins-Hayes’ Research Assistant (of course, I name dropped). I shall continue to jealous you, but GO QUAKERS, anyway!

Oh yeah… Dr. Watkins-Hayes also told me, “It is better to have your babies now. Of course, you always want to pick a time that’s best for you, but there never is a ‘good time’. Trying to have babies when you’re on the tenure track is incredibly stressful. Plus, the longer you wait, the harder it may be to get pregnant.”

*le sigh*

*If you volunteered, THANK YOU for all your help! We can’t keep track of everything without you guys!

Didn’t get to attend the annual conference held by the Society for Social Work & Research? Were you there but wondering what you may have missed? Check out the tweets!

• I tried some new reading & writing techniques and failed at them. Coming to terms with the fact that I just need to read pretty much everything. Interesting thing: as I do that, the reading seems to go a wee bit swifter.
• I FINALLY HAVE AN ADVISOR!!! My committee is coming together: waiting to chat with my second person, & considering a third. I need my outside member, though; we’ll see how that goes over the next year.
• I thought I would only need 3 more classes after this school year, but it turns out I’m missing 3 social science theory classes. Dagnabbit.
• I’ve been brought back into the interview process for a position as a dorm leader.
• Documentary Production is like, my favorite class, ever. Editing is so. much. fun!
• As I write this, I’m fighting off exhaustion brought on by my work as a Deputy Volunteer Coordinator for the SSWR annual conference – THE place to be if you’re a social work nerd. The position is WAY busy & hectic, but I’m enjoying it. Many of y’all know how I thrive off interacting with people (most of the time). And this year’s volunteers are fantastic (if you’re reading this, THANK YOU!)
• Mama J gave me a new computer when I went home to visit! I was struggling to keep my old MacBook until I finished, but as we discovered, that bad boy was on his way out. We just had to get everything replaced, except the hard drive & memory (those were upgraded a little over two years ago). Mama J is now trying to make use of it herself. Meanwhile, here I am…
  

There have been quite a few not-fun dramatics, but I’m all about the happy stuff for now. As much as I complain about this process, I can truly say I am glad I’m on the journey now. I’m collecting my mentors – official & informal – and really making advances in my program. Yes, I was seriously worried for quite a (few) while(s) there. As I understand it, this will likely happen again, lol. Until then, CELEBRATE!

Stay tuned for a couple of things:

• An effort at writing academic posts. I write about my experience a lot (well, when I do write), but I’m not doing a good job of tracking my thought & learning journey. Feel free to challenge me on this!
• Updated site design. I really do need a new logo/header arrangement, but we’ll see how that goes. But definitely be on the lookout for my CV, research interests, & an updated bio.

Snatched straight from the Annals of Perfect Timing, someone in the #PhDChat community shared a post on breaking the cycle of Perfectionism yesterday. Here’s the basic idea:

The cycle of perfectionism is predictably simple:

1. You set goals that are impossible to reach.
2. The unreachable goal creates paralysis.
3. Avoidance, procrastination, and self-sabotaging behavior ensue.
4. If there’s an actual deadline, you engage in a frenzy of activity at the last minute, which ironically guarantees that the outcome will be far from perfect.
5. A less-than-stellar performance triggers self-flagellation in the form of internal criticism, blame, and judgment.
6. In order to move forward, you set yet another unreachable goal with the promise that this time you will just work harder.

And so this has been my entire life. The Universe be knowin’.

I’ve tried breaking things up into manageable chunks, but I get stuck in two ways:

• I see connections in everything. EVERYTHING. This means I always feel like I can’t do one part without also addressing the other part(s). So I try to create a plan to address everything. Manageability out the window.
• Apparently, I ofttimes have no clue what manageable is.

The author highlighted three points of intervention:

1) goal-setting

2) doing the work

3) interpreting your performance.

I figured out that where I get stuck the most is step one. I mean, I also have major hangups at step 3 & that seeps into step 2, but in assessing my own process, I realize my hangups at step 3/2 stem from the fact that I’m being unreasonable with myself. (Note: I don’t actually think I’m being all that unreasonable most of the time. Thing is, it seems that, while people do love the excellence of my work, it doesn’t have to be as great as I think it does. They would be perfectly content with a lesser product. I’m just not sure I know how to do that.)

So, since I know I set apparently unreasonable goals, I start a whole process of perfecting the right goals & get paralyzed at trying to ‘fix’ my goal-setting. Who does that?! Kerry Ann (the post author) recommends sharing one’s goals with colleagues and mentors. I think my problem is that the people whose opinions I value are folks who have similar standards as I do! To compound this, [insert rant about how other people remain in awe of everything I'm able to accomplish & how I think I should be doing a lot more].

So what’s the solution? I have decided to make use of this internet thing and reach out to a broader base of folks. Instead of planning everything out in my head or on my own personal stickies, I’ll start posting my project goals to this blog. I’d like you all, to post your thoughts on my goals and check in on my progress. And hey, maybe this will actually help me get back to posting regularly. But I’m not gonna set that as a goal right now. Baby steps and things of that nature. Eventually, I’ll be able to stop writing Perfectionism with a capital P, as though it is some high ranking category (even though it is. LOL. not really funny.)

Anyhoo, here’s my first attempt…
(As you will see, I have a real mid-week clusterfuck)

Project 1:

• Statistics Final
  • Pull 2-3 “top” articles from my field that present a quantitative analysis of the relationships of variables. The articles have to be about the same/a similar topic.
  • Write an integrative review (max 2.5 pg, double-spaced) that consists of:
    • A short summary of the research question, data set, methodology and central findings
    • A review (critique) of the treatment in the research article of interpreting effects, hypothesis testing and inference.
  • Read 3 other articles (from the course pack).
  • Write up a short assessment (max 1.5 pgs, double-spaced) of key issues I think the field needs to grapple with as it moves forward. The essay should take into consideration the integrative review and the 3 additional articles, while responding to a quote about the state of quantitative research.
  • Due: 11 December
  • Important Notes:
    • I have two more problem sets due for this class over the next week.
    • I thought I had the appropriate articles, but I realized they would not work.

• Goals:
  • Today (1 December): Pick out just two articles by the end of the day. I’ve got a pretty good idea of the sources, I just need to make sure there is sufficient quantitative work.
    • Pull together some rough bullet points for the integrative review
  • Tonight: review class handouts & find corresponding chapters in my fave book to work the next problem set (due 4 December)
  • Sunday afternoon: finish problem set for Tuesday.
  • Monday afternoon: stats group study session, edit problem set accordingly
  • Tues: begin next problem set (w/ reading)
  • Weds afternoon: tutoring… and… wait… oh dear.

Project 2:

• Term Paper
  • 10-12 page paper comparing how each of two books uses theory and methodology to build knowledge about urban politics & community action.
    • Identify the theories that inform (explicitly or implicitly) each work, discuss its research strategies, evaluate how effectively it generates insight into urban politics and/or community action, and provide a comparative evaluation of the strengths and limitations of the two studies.
  • Due: 13 December
  • Important Notes:
    • We’re reading the second book for my paper this week and I may need to go back to read a couple of chapters I missed in the first. I will likely have to do the same for the second.
    • I will have already written a two-page summary of the theory and methodology for each book by 6 December. There will be edits based on instructor feedback, but \o/ is an appropriate response here.
• Goals:
  • Sunday morning (2 December): Edit the first paper based on my instructor’s comments and jot down what’s missing.
  • Later Sunday morning: finish reading the intro & at least begin the conclusion for the second book.
  • Mon-Tues: Read through as much of the rest of the book as possible.
  • Weds afternoon: export kindle notes & edit into my 2-page response… and… wait… oh dear.
  • Not gonna lie, this paper will probably sit until I get done with my stats final. See completion goal above.

Project 3:

• Documentary Rough-Cut
  • Pull together a 20-minute rough edit of our best footage, thus far. No major editing needed, basically just a few stringouts & sequences, but more organized than what we had for our selects screening.
  • Due: 5 December
  • Important Notes:
    • This is pretty much out of my hands. As usual, my crew will meet Tuesday evening to pull this together at the last minute. Yes, I have tried to address the issue of their timing & standards. Petulant early 20-somethings = ’nuff said. Ageist? Yep. True? In this case, absolutely.
• Goals:
  • Don’t strangle the undergrads.
  • Focus on my other projects so that I don’t think about the documentary.

I haz teh sadz. My play brother is in town for the Kindred the Family Soul/Jill Scott concert tonight (free for me). I figured I probably wouldn’t be able to go, but now I *really* know I won’t be able to go.

I should be reading this instead of blogging…

What also helps is that I found this AWESOME *FREE* STATISTICS BOOK on Scribd. I was googling for a clearer definition of margin of error & that book came up. The explanation was so awesome, I tried to download the book. Then Scribd was all, “Y U NO BUY SUBSCRIPSHUN? U no can haz book!” And I had teh sadz. Then Scribd sent me an email, “U CAN HAZ FREE WEEK SUBSCRIPSHUN!” So I downloaded the book & informed the classmate who never did get a tutor [insert remark of frustration and disappointment]. (And yes, I, too, was initially confused by the Osama & rose. Turns out Osama Tahir is the person who uploaded the book. I have no clue why the rose is there.)

So anyhoo, I said this earlier today:

I realized I’m not really interested in the swap (that comp exam is just… O_O. and starting over in classes? NAWL.) and I’m definitely not interested in re-applying to grad school. Also: I still want my social work training. I have my creative drive, but my mission in life is still to help people be great. If that isn’t social work, I dunno what is. I think I wanna forge something new: Documentary Social Work. I tried googling that, it doesn’t seem to exist as a thing, although I’m sure I’m not the only person to come up with such an idea. I do understand that it could seem redundant if not described properly. And now I’m wondering if I should make *that* my dissertation instead of trying to set up the first part of a multi-city social work study with an incredibly hard to reach population. I mean, I still want to do that, but maybe not right now… Okay, I’m thinking too much, I’m going to read now.

While I do that, besides Sundance, if you know where I can find funding or a list of resources for documentary work, please post in the comments!

BTW, Since I skipped yesterday, I may write up the next part of my foray through R.O. Self’s book, but I’m apparently getting sick, so we’ll see how that turns out. And no, I’m not watching the election results tonight. I will be highly surprised if we end up with a decision tonight, given all the drama that has occurred over the past week (and months of voter suppression efforts). Besides, we won’t truly know until next month anyway. Fun & informative video for you :