One of my intentions in 2020 is to spend more time reading books and less time scrolling social media. I’m more relaxed, I’m sleeping better, and I’m a hell of a lot more interesting to have conversations with these days. The people at the library are starting to greet me by name, so that’s fun. Plus, the more my kids catch me reading, the more they want to read for themselves! Mom win.

Here’s what I’ve been up to so far, with links in case anything appeals to you. Oh, and I should mention that this is a mix of books I own, books I’ve borrowed from the local library or interlibrary loan, and ebooks on my Kindle Paperwhite.

Read So Far, as of February 14

• On Mystic Lake by Kristin Hannah
• The Only Woman in the Room by Marie Benedict
• Digging In by Loretta Nyhan — Fun and extremely readable. I devoured it.
• My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh
• Girl in Pieces by Kathleen Glasgow — This was phenomenal and I could. not. put. it. down. Highly recommend! It’s young adult fiction and one of the best books I’ve read in recent memory.
• 1996 by Kirsty McManus

I just started That Kind of Mother by Rumaan Alam, but I haven’t even finished the first chapter yet so nothing to report.

As I mentioned, my kiddos have been reading too:

• Dog Man series by Dave Pilkey (author of Captain Underpants)
• Secret Zoo series by Bryan Chick
• Inside Out and Back Again (poetry book) by Thanhha Lai

Not sure where to start? Find your local library.

What are you reading right now? What are your kids reading?

Please note: This post contains affiliate links, so I may get a small kickback if you purchase any of the items I’ve recommended, but it doesn’t cost you another penny.

Stuff for Me

I teach ZUMBA®️ two days a week, but in between I need a fun workout I can do without leaving the house and without requiring much thought or planning because if there are any barriers whatsoever I won’t do it. I never thought I would fall in love with an exercise bike, but here we are. I love my Peloton! And I use pretty much the whole range of classes included with our subscription—especially the stretching and meditation classes. If you want to check it out, use my referral code PWADX8 at checkout and we both get $100 of accessories with your bike or tread purchase.

I’ve seldom met a planner I didn’t like, but the Passion Planner has been my favorite for the last several years for day-to-day planning in an easy weekly / monthly format. They offer dated standard planners running January-December, dated academic planners running August-July, and undated planners you can start at any time. There are also multiple sizes and colors for the perfect fit for you. Use my PP referral link for 10% off your first purchase of $15 or more: http://rwrd.io/gyciop1

For daily journaling / planning if I need to get into more detail, I tend to rotate among the PP Daily, SELF Journal, and a LEUCHTTURM1917 Medium A5 Dotted Hardcover Notebook. I’m slowly working my way through all of the color options on each of these.

The Revlon One-Step Hair Dryer & Volumizer Hot Air Brush, Black dries and styles my thick hair in under 15 minutes, and it’s a blowout that lasts for days.

Can we just talk about how great menstrual cups are? If for no other reason than you never run out or forget to buy tampons because YOU DON’T NEED TO. I use the DivaCup Model 2 Menstrual Cup but there are tons on the market. Try it. Try a few. You’re welcome.

I have about a million little zipper bags like these Selizo 8 Packs Canvas Pencil Pen Zipper Pouch Small Cosmetic Makeup Bags, Forest and Animal Style in my purse, backpack, bathroom, desk drawers, etc. to keep my stuff together so I can actually find it in the depths of my purse and so I don’t lose things. It makes it way easier to transfer bags, pack for travel, send the kids to get stuff for me from my bag, keep track of their stuff in their backpacks, and more. Collect and contain, my friends.

Stuff for the House

The only vacuums I have ever loved have been Dysons, and the Dyson V7 Animal Pro+ Cordless Vacuum Cleaner-Extra Tools for Homes with Pets, Rechargeable, Lightweight, Powerful Suction, V7 Animal Pro + is no exception. It charges fast and it gets the job done. Full disclosure, we don’t have a ton of carpet in our house. If we had a lot of carpet, I’d probably go back to the traditional Dyson Animal upright corded vacuum, but with mostly bare floors this thing is a beast. It’s light, so the kids can use it easily, which makes my life easier. I try to vacuum a little every day to keep things under control, and the time I save NOT wrestling with cords or lugging some beast up and down the stairs is huge.

I do not enjoy cooking. Like, at all. I do like eating and feeding people, but not if i have to make the food. Until now. I can follow a recipe, but I’m not exactly inspired in the kitchen. And thanks to the magical wonder that is the Instant Pot Electric Pressure Cooker, I don’t have to be inspired in the kitchen to make something delicious that is dead simple. I can find recipes online for virtually anything. Every single thing I’ve made in the Instant Pot has been a slam dunk, and it takes literally minutes. Now that I’m really on a money-saving kick, I’m cooking at home every night and I use the Instant Pot almost every meal.

It’s not exactly my minimalist or environmentalist dream come true, but y’all, Clorox Disinfecting Wipes are a lifesaver for keeping the bathrooms reasonably clean and for keeping germs down throughout the house. I do a quick swipe of the counters and toilets and hit the doorknobs and light switches a few times a week and I don’t have to think about it. One day I may be in a place where everything is natural and reusable and free of synthetic chemicals, but today ain’t that day. If it’s not that day for you either, you have my permission to use this guilt free.

While you’re at it, check out Swiffer Dusters if you’ve been holding out. I have the kids dust with these once a week and I do it every time I have a few minutes, and our surfaces are looking a lot better. These are particularly great for grabbing cat hair! Make sure you get Swiffer Duster Refill + 1 Handle (28 Ct.) Great to start so you have a handle, and then after that plain refills will do the job. I hear you can bend a wire hanger instead of buying the handle and if that’s your thing, go for it. But if not, make sure you get the handle one first.

Stuff for the Kids

I’ve written before about how much I love Peacemakers from Generation Mindful. These cards are an amazing way to support not just kids but the whole family with developing emotional intelligence and creating stronger connections. Kids who learn how to deal with big feelings become much happier adults—and they’re a lot more fun to hang out with!

If you want to take your Peacemakers practice to the next level, check out the Time-In Toolkit, also from GenM for more tools to support yourself and your kids with emotional intelligence, empathy, and connection.

We’ve started packing lunch for the kids four out of every five days to save money, and reusable glass containers with snap-on lids like these Glass Meal Prep Containers 3 Compartment – Bento Box Glass Lunch Containers – Meal Prep Glass Container – Food Storage Containers with Lids – Portion Control Food Containers Glass(3-Pack,36 OZ) are super durable, easy to clean, and hold everything they need.

And since we’re packing lunches, we needed lunch boxes! They make these Amersun Kids Lunch Box,Durable Insulated School Lunch Bag with Padded Liner Keep Food Warm Cold for Long Time,Small Water-resistant Thermal Travel Office Lunch Cooler for Girls Boy-2 Pocket,Light Blue for kids and adults (the adult ones are slightly larger) and they are awesome. Lots of pockets, keep the food cold, and they buckle onto their backpacks so they’re hard to lose. They also come in a ton of patterns, so even my picky kiddos found ones they loved.

Stuff for the Pets

If you have a dog that does anything other than casually saunter beside you on leash, get you a Gentle Leader Head Collar. They make even the most obnoxious walkers easier to manage, which means everyone gets more walks and enjoys them more. You can find them for virtually any size dog, and they have a ton of cute patterns.

If you have a furry friend who tends toward anxiety, you need Odessa’s Essential Health for Pets. Put a few drops in their food or on a treat (check label for dosing according to your pet’s weight) and you’ll be amazed at the difference. I don’t have an affiliate link for this one, but I’m sharing it anyway because it’s an amazing product and I’ve been blown away by the positive impact on our super-anxious, wild-child Border Collie mix, Luna.

Stuff for Fun

You know how we unconsciously tell ourselves stories about ourselves and the world? I have to constantly remind myself that my stories “I am no fun” and “I don’t have time for fun” are not true. Here are some of the ways I make time for fun.

I believe everyone has a story. That’s why I’ve been helping people and organizations tell theirs since 2004. I also believe that stories change lives, which is why I’m committed to telling mine in writing and from the stage. In late 2019, my employer, Advocates for Human Potential, supported me to take Jess Ekstrom’s amazing speaker course for women, Mic Drop Workshop. This self-paced online course includes everything you need to kickstart your speaking career, plus lifetime access to the course AND an online, women’s only support community that is utterly magical. I cannot recommend this course highly enough.

I love Let’s Make Art and subscribe to both the watercolor and lettering monthly boxes. I’m still learning how to make art a regular habit without feeling guilty about it, but these fun projects with simple-to-follow instructions make it so much easier. Use my referral link for $5 off your first purchase: https://prz.io/A24K5GSE.

I mentioned it above, but you know I love my ZUMBA®️! Use my code KKFITNESS at checkout for 10% off your favorite ZUMBA®️ gear.

Please note: This post contains affiliate links, so I may get a small kickback if you purchase any of the items I’ve recommended, but it doesn’t cost you another penny.

Photo Credit

Here’s what’s really wild about this whole yelling thing: I’m actually a really good mom. By all accounts, I’m a great mom. Even when I was yelling, my kids would have told you I was a great mom, the best in the world. I’ve taught parenting classes. I’m a go-to person for advice for overwhelmed or frustrated parents. I mentor vulnerable and at risk families. I volunteer for organizations that support parents, children, and families. I’m a fricking pillar of the community. Any community. You name it: If I’m in it I’m a goddam pillar. And know what? It didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how great a parent or person you are — you’re not immune from screwing up and you’re certainly not immune from getting completely lost.

As I questioned my very existence through what has turned out to be one of the biggest crises of my life, I learned a lot about how truly good people end up doing things that make them hate themselves. I’ve learned a lot about what leads us to find ourselves in situations we never imagined. I’ve learned a lot about how we lose touch with the face we see in the mirror. I’ve learned a lot about self-compassion and forgiveness. I’ve learned a lot about humility. And I’ve used what I’ve learned to stay yell-free for 172 days as of this writing.

Here’s how I found myself, a great mom, yelling constantly and eroding my children’s self-esteem and sense of unconditional love. These are the choices that made me vulnerable to yelling and breaking my children down instead of building them up.

I Lost My Primary Support Network (and didn’t replace it)

In May 2017, my husband and I followed our dreams and moved to Colorado. Flashback: We had wanted to make the move since 2007, but we used the “life happened” excuse and it never materialized. Shocking. Then, after a series of emotionally devastating miscarriages, I became pregnant with our twins and experienced nearly a full year of medical disability from hyperemesis, pre-ecclampsia, and other pregnancy-related issues (some of which continue today, 6 years later).

This all resulted in a bankruptcy, a foreclosure, and a move to Florida to be closer to my amazing mother-in-law so she could help us financially (we rented a home she owned) and with the kids (she was our main babysitter). The four and a half years we lived in Florida, that woman was my rock and one of my best friends. I still don’t know how I got so lucky as to win the mother-in-law lottery, but I sure did with this lady. She’s incredible — and when we moved to Colorado in May, we left her behind. I also left the only mom-friends I had in real life.

I didn’t realize how much my in-person support system kept me centered and in check. When I was about to lose it with the kids, I could call my MIL and she would be there for me emotionally and/or give me a literal break from the kiddos. My friends would meet me at the playground or one of our houses and let the kids burn off some energy while I blew off some steam. When we moved, I completely lost that in-person support — and the time difference combined with the stress and demands of setting up house in a new place made it difficult to access long-distance support at a reasonable hour. I was adrift for several months, and in those months, my frustration and fears took center stage.

I Stopped Asking for Help

When we moved, I made a decision somewhere along the way that it was up to me to make things work. So if something needed doing, I would do it. If something needed handling, I would handle it. I’d do it myself. I’d do unpacking. I’d do cleaning. I’d do working. I’d do MBA program. I’d do kids. I’d do it all! I’d control the world! No problem! But actually, big problem. It’s one thing to be self-reliant and have confidence that you can take care of business. That’s pretty great. It’s completely another thing to isolate yourself from any source of outside support or assistance and put the weight of the world on your own shoulders. That’s pretty awful.

Not only did I stop asking for help, but I got offended when people offered it. Like, what, you think I can’t handle things? I’ll show you! Back off. I got this. (Except I didn’t. I really didn’t.) My husband bore the brunt of this one. I wouldn’t ask him for help. And I wouldn’t let him help. But I was mad at him for not helping. Same with the kids. If you looked up “martyr” on Wikipedia, my picture would have been there.

I Stopped Taking Care of Myself

Moving cross-country with two little kids while working full time (I work remotely, so I kept my same job and jumped right back in) is NO JOKE. I felt like I couldn’t keep up with all of it. Because “keeping up with all of it” was a literal impossibility, but I couldn’t see that. To feel like I was staying on top of things, I cut out the nonessentials. You know, things like sleep, meals, time alone, that kind of stuff. I stayed up way too late, didn’t eat while trying to power through whatever it was I was doing at a frantic pace, and I sacrificed precious me-time to tackle day-to-day tasks instead of recharging. I ended up completely depleted and running on empty. There was very little fun in my life. I had moments of joy, don’t get me wrong, but that was not my default mode. My stress was through the roof because I wasn’t doing anything to manage it — amid an ENORMOUS life transition. Big mistake. So it’s no surprise that every little thing set me off. I was one lost sneaker or bathtub overflow from a complete meltdown at all times.

I Ignored the Little Things

When annoyances, inconveniences, and frustrations occurred, I clenched my jaw and just dealt with it. I told myself that I was “picking my battles” and “rising above” and not “sweating the small stuff.” What I was actually doing was twofold:

1. I was missing the opportunity to head off larger problems by nipping them in the bud.
2. I was building a pressure cooker of frustration and resentment — at work, at home, with my family, with my friends, everywhere.

If I had been truly letting things go and focusing on the big issues, that would have been great and healthy. What I was doing instead was just swallowing my feelings and allowing things to accumulate. Not good.

I Believed This Was Just “How It Is Now”

What with all my jaw clenching and teeth gritting and get-it-done-ing, I just put my head down and persevered. All I could see was the endless list of tasks ahead of me: Long nights and even longer days of just falling farther and farther behind. I loved and still love where we moved to, and I saw myself wasting it as I fell farther and farther behind on my to-dos and let my family down in myriad and sundry ways I hadn’t even conceived of yet. And the only way out I could see was actually no way out, and just keep doing it and work hard and maybe when the kids are up and out I can get a break and between now and then how much sleep does a person really need? I’ll make it work. Because this is how it is now. I couldn’t see another way. I felt powerless to change things. So I made do.

I Said Yes Too Much

You’d think with all that doing-everything-myself I would have been saying no to everything. But I was doing the opposite. More responsibility at work? Lay it on me. Home improvement project on the new house? Let’s do this. Volunteer for such-and-such? You got it! Plans every night? SIGN ME UP. Overnight houseguests when I can barely handle the people who actually live here? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

One of those inappropriate yeses created the situation that led directly to The Meltdown. My husband is a serious endurance athlete, and I said yes to back-to-back 50 miles races over a weekend. This meant two consecutive days of “crewing,” or being his support team, along the race couse with two small kids, relentless sunshine alternating with random rainbursts, and about 75 lbs of gear for me, him, and them — which I had to move four times each day to various remote locations that required me to carry all the supplies and wrangle the kids for long distances to and from the car. Was it fun? Parts of it. Was it completely exhausting? Yup. The end of the second day was when I completely lost my shit. That weekend, that yes, was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

How We Got Here: A Summary

1. Losing My Support Network
2. Not Asking for Help
3. Sacrificing Self-Care
4. Ignoring the Little Things
5. Believing There Was No Other Way
6. Saying Yes to Everyone but Myself

The details of your list might look a little different from mine. But if you’re struggling like I was, I bet the headings look pretty similar. These actions and circumstances, these are the things that make us vulnerable. They make us vulnerable to powerlessness, to depression, to anxiety, to physical health problems. And, they make us vulnerable to yelling.

Posts in the No-Yelling Series

I Decided to Stop Yelling for 100 Days & Here’s What Happened

This is a series of posts chronicling what happened when I stopped yelling at my 5-year-old twins — or anyone else, for that matter — for 100 consecutive days. Each article in the series will be updated with additional links as I add more posts.

• Part 1: The Meltdown
• Part 2: The Plan
• Part 3: How Did We Get Here? (current article)

I knew that if I was going to make good on my promise to my child — which I had clarified as “Never yell at you again because no one should ever talk to you that way” — I had to take it seriously, and I needed a plan. It had to be life and death. It occurred to me that, if my son had been diagnosed with cancer and the only cure was to never yell again, I would find a way to make that happen. So I decided this:

If I ever yell at my child again, he will be struck by lightning from above and die instantly.

Yeah, I know it may sound ridiculous. But it was life and death. It was about loving my child into a beautiful life or killing his spirit and making sure he would never have self-esteem or functional relationships thanks to my shitty mothering. This is not hyperbole. Children who are verbally abused by their parents — and make no mistake, what I did that day and what I had done on a lesser scale at other times was undoubtedly verbal abuse — experience serious and lasting impacts in their brain. It changes them. 

Own the Problem

Kids who experience abuse and traumatic events in childhood, particularly in early childhood when their brains are incredibly vulnerable, are more likely to have poorer physical and mental health and to have negative social consequences later in life. These things are called adverse childhood experience, or ACEs, and they include physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; neglect and abandonment; forced separation from family members or important others; exposure to drug and alcohol abuse; and a host of other issues. Verbal abuse is the first item listed on the ACEs survey. (Find your ACE Score and learn more about the ACEs Study.)

I love my kids, I take care of them, I provide for them, I try to do right by them, and I also have screamed at them. It wasn’t all the time and that day was definitely the worst, but even if that day had been the only day in my entire parenting career that I had ever yelled at all, it was abuse. I’m ashamed of it and I own it because if we don’t own our shit we can’t take responsibility for it. If we don’t take responsibility, make a plan, and stay accountable, we will do it again.

Commit to the Solution & Desired Outcome

Failure was not an option in this situation. I had already failed my child once, in a big way. I was not going to do it again. This was life-or-death serious, and I treated it that way. I thought about what I wanted to accomplish and came up with a mission statement that would guide my no-yelling plan:

My number-one goal is to give my kids a peaceful home, no matter what it takes.

I know that kids from a peaceful home where they learn and experience unconditional love, emotional intelligence, and support are the kids who are most likely to succeed and have happy lives. (There are decades of research and anecdotal evidence supporting this; sharing it all is outside the scope of this series but you can read it at your leisure. Start with ACEs.) I’m not raising children here, I’m raising adults — and I want them to be healthy adults who can have healthy, loving, fulfilling, functional lives and relationships. The best way to help them have that is to give them a peaceful, loving, supportive home with parents who model good relationships, good communication, and love as an action not just as a saying.

For the purposes of giving up yelling, I defined yelling as loss of control rather than speech at high volume. I have always been a loud, boisterous, exuberant person even in  a great mood, so it wasn’t about volume. In a house with two 5-year-olds and a mess of pets, sometimes volume is needed. Volume wasn’t the problem. The problem was lack of control and intention. If I was out of control of my emotions and/or my intention was to win, intimidate, berate, or otherwise make less of, that would be considered yelling — and it wasn’t going to happen again.

Tell the Kids What’s Up and Enroll Them in Helping

I sat my son down and reiterated my promise: I was not going to yell again at all any more, and I wanted his help. We talked through the things that have caused me to yell in the past and came up with a list together:

• Someone is not listening and Mommy is frustrated.
• Something dangerous is about to happen and Mommy needs to save us/stop us.

These were the external stimuli. We only came up with two — and only one of them is a good reason to yell. (More on the other, internal, reasons I yelled in the next post in this series.) We decided yelling for an emergency didn’t count. “STOP! THERE’S A CAR!” is okay. “DON’T MOVE! SNAKE!” is no problem. “STOP! SOMEONE IS GOING TO FALL!” is fine. But then back to calm conversational voice.

So we made a deal: I would stop yelling, and he would work on listening the first time. We would be a no-more-yelling team. We would remind each other if we could see that the other person was not following the deal. He would say, “Mommy, you need to take a deep breath” or “Mommy, I feel like you might be ready to yell again.” I would say, “Remember, you promised to listen the first time because we are a team and we have to work together.”

Find and Practice Alternatives to Yelling

I scoured the internet for ideas of things to do instead of yelling. My favorite was whispering, a trick I had heard variously from Dr. Phil, Laura Markham of AhaParenting, the Orange Rhino blog, and assorted peaceful parenting Facebook groups. And I don’t mean the kind of whispering where it’s a thinly veiled threat to their health and safety, like “I swear to God if you don’t get your ass in your seat you won’t be able to see straight” hissed under the restaurant table. I mean actual whispering, so they have to strain to hear you. 

I recommitted to using playful connection and empathy to guide and redirect. This was an approach I had used successfully for a long time, but I had gotten away from it — with disastrous results. My favorite playful way to elicit cooperation was a trick I got from a mom friend of mine, which we call “Robot Mama.” Whatever my request is, I repeat it again in a robot voice: “Ro-bot-Ma-ma-says-get-ready-for-bed.” Sometimes I add robot arms and stiff legs and walk toward them as I do it. It gets them moving, and giggling, most of the time and relieves stress for all of us.

I quickly learned that the most effective way for me to head off yelling was to absolutely not argue no matter what. Arguing is a slippery slope right into a power struggle which leads right into yelling. Ways I approached situations where I had previously yelled, without arguing:

• Take slow deep breaths and repeat the request cheerfully and positively. “As soon as we get ready for bed, we can read our book. Who wants to have enough time for a whole book? Let’s go then!”
• Get their full attention and repeat my request in simpler terms. “Look at Mommy, please. Right at my face. Thank you. It is time to get ready for bed. The TV is going off. Go pee and get your jams on now, please.”
• Label my feelings and ask for help. “I’m feeling frustrated because I’m asking you to do something and you’re not listening to me. What is the problem? How can we work together to do this?”
• Ask my husband to help me. “The kids are NOT doing what I’ve asked and I’m about to lose my shit. Can you tap in while I take a break?”
• Label my feelings and take a break. “I keep asking you do this and you’re not doing it. I’m feeling mad and I want to yell, so I’m going to go take a time out and calm down. When I come back, we’re going to talk about this.” (Tip: Take the TV remote with you.)
• Offer choices that involve logical, natural consequences. “The clothes/toys/movies need to get put away. Either you can do it, or I can do it. If I do it, I’m going to put them away with another family that will take care of them.” (Alternative: A friend shared that she used to charge her children “maid fees” if they didn’t clean up. Just like in the adult world, if you don’t want to clean up you can pay someone else to do it for you.)
• Lean on natural consequences whenever possible, and alert children to consequences so they can make informed decisions. “We have 20 minutes before it’s lights out. You can keep playing and then go straight to sleep in 20 minutes, or you can get dressed now and we’ll have time to read before bed. Do you want YES book or NO book?”

Cultivate Helpful Self-Talk

I also identified several things I could say to myself when I became frustrated, to help me calm down. Some of the ones that worked best for me are:

• “There is nothing wrong here. Take a deep breath. This is how they learn.”
• “They’re just checking to see where the boundaries are. Take a deep breath, stay calm, and show them.”
• “You don’t have to fix anything. They can choose to listen or not listen. They’re allowed to make mistakes.”
• “Kids are allowed to have big feelings too. Just be with them and help them get through it.”
• “It’s okay to feel frustrated. Just keep breathing. You’re showing them how to manage frustration in a healthy way.”
• “LIGHTNING. FUCKING LIGHTNING. IF YOU SCREAM, THERE WILL BE LIGHTNING AND THEY WILL DIE SO DO.NOT.FUCKING.DO.IT.”

My no-yelling tracker. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bar9bUUhmnf/?taken-by=kristenskoveking

Develop an Accountability System

To keep myself focused and honest, I developed an accountability system. I created a tracker in my bullet journal for 100 days of no yelling, and marked off each day as it went by. As I wrote out the numbers 1-100, I kept telling myself, “This is stupid. You are going to have to write these numbers out a million times before you finally go even a week without yelling. You’re crazy to think you can go 100 days without yelling.” But I reminded myself that failure was not an option so I would only have to do this once and quit it with the negative self-talk already.

Ask for Outside Help and Support

I shared about what I was doing with my kids, and also with close friends, family members, and my social media network. I told my colleagues in a 4-month personal development class I was taking what I was doing and asked for their support and accountability. I spoke frankly with others about what I was struggling with and why it mattered. I created a community of supportive people around me, and it made a huge difference. They became invested in what I was doing, and when I struggled, they reminded me why no more yelling was so important to me and my family. They reminded me of the WHY when the HOW seemed impossible.

Be Honest and Transparent about What’s Going On

On days when I was struggling, I asked for help from friends, family, and even my kids. I modeled how to label my feelings with the kids and how to process them. I asked the kids to talk to me about why Mommy not yelling made a difference and how it had been a long time since Mommy yelled and we like it so much better without yelling. When we had communication breakdowns, we started to talk about them and how they made us feel. Transparency, communication, and teamwork were key.

No-Yelling Plan Summary

1. Own the problem and commit to the solution and outcome you want.
2. Tell the kids what’s up and enroll them in helping you.
3. Find and practice alternatives to yelling.
4. Cultivate helpful self-talk.
5. Develop an accountability system.
6. Ask for outside help and support.
7. Be honest and transparent about what’s going on.

Posts in the No-Yelling Series

I Decided to Stop Yelling for 100 Days & Here’s What Happened

This is a series of posts chronicling what happened when I stopped yelling at my 5-year-old twins — or anyone else, for that matter — for 100 consecutive days. Each article in the series will be updated with additional links as I add more posts.

• Part 1: The Meltdown
• Part 2: The Plan (current article)
• Part 3: How Did We Get Here?

Photo Credit

On July 9, 2017, I lost. my. shit. on one of my 5-year-olds. It wasn’t just a momentary lapse. It was a solid hour of us screaming at each other. A grown adult, having an hour-long screaming match with a 5-year-old. And I was going to win. As I watched him lose the will to fight back, I had a flash of the future. I saw him going through life angry and broken and feeling unloved, with no soft place to fall. I saw myself slowly killing his spirit one day at a time until there was nothing left. I felt sick, watching him huddled on the floor, sobbing, unable to look at me. I did that. I did that to my child, the person I wanted more than anything in the world, the person I prayed for and cried over and worried about and adored.

Part of this happened in public. There were witnesses. No one intervened. No one said, “Hey, mama, take a breath” or “What the hell is going on here” or “Ma’am, you’re under arrest.” No one even seemed to notice that I was screaming the spirit out of my child. Maybe if I’d hit him? I’m not sure that even would have done it. No one cared that I was destroying my son—including me. He had to learn. He had to respect me. He had to cut that shit out right now. I had to teach him.

But I wasn’t teaching him. I was gutting him.

I could tell you all the things that created a situation where I was vulnerable to verbally eviscerating a small child, but it will just sound like excuses. There is no excuse. The way I treated my child was inexcusable. Deplorable. Reprehensible. Disgusting.

And somehow, at 5 years old and completely terrified of me, he had the wherewithal to tell me that. When the yelling stopped and we both sat there on the floor of his room, shaking and snotty with tears tracking down our faces, he looked me right in the eye. “Mommy,” he said, his voice trembling, “that was not okay.”

“You’re right.” I could barely meet his eyes. I was so ashamed I literally wanted to die. In that split second, I contemplated what might be the quickest and cleanest way to kill myself—to protect my children from me. I couldn’t come up with anything. I was completely blank. “That was absolutely not okay. No one should ever, ever treat you like that. Not Mommy, not Daddy, not anyone.”

“That,” he said, taking a big, shaky breath, “can never happen again.”

We were quiet for a few long moments. I wasn’t sure what to say. In the silence, it became clear to me that I couldn’t kill myself and make this go away. He would think it was his fault, and it would be an easy out for me. That couldn’t be an option. I had to do better. I had to show him he was worth fighting FOR not fighting against. I had to show him what real love looks like, to give him back his safe place and never take it away again, to build him up and never tear him down. I had to do it. “It will never happen again,” I finally said. “I promise.”

“I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you anymore,” he said.

I took a deep breath. “I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t trust me either. And you don’t have to believe me or trust me. I’ll show you that it will never happen again and you can believe what you see, not what I say.”

He studied my face for what felt like an eternity. Then, he nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay,” I said.

We sat there for a few more minutes and hugged for a long time. Then we went downstairs and ate dinner. I tucked him in that night like nothing had happened, but everything was different. He felt it, too. We were both shellshocked, and it took a few days for it to stop feeling like the air was sucked out of every room I walked into.

Posts in the No-Yelling Series

I Decided to Stop Yelling for 100 Days & Here’s What Happened

This is a series of posts chronicling what happened when I stopped yelling at my 5-year-old twins — or anyone else, for that matter — for 100 consecutive days. Each article in the series will be updated with additional links as I add more posts.

• Part 1: The Meltdown (current article)
• Part 2: The Plan
• Part 3: How Did We Get Here?