Tweens and teens are going to do what they are going to do … to a certain extent. Take music, for instance. They like YouTube and they like the music they like. I consider this an opportunity to understand my kids better. My 14-year-old son thoroughly enjoys showing me the YouTube videos he likes. He wants to share his music with me. I don’t like all of it, but I love him. So, I join, I listen, and I seek to understand. It’s a great way to get to know what your kids think, what they value, and how they process. It’s also a wonderful way to make deposits into your relationship.

I’m not advocating “no boundaries.” I am advocating letting them be who they are, and meeting them there. When you do that, you can always have a conversation about what they do, if you feel something would be worth shifting. It’s much easier to make adjustments when they are enrolled in the process.

[Traci Carman, A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference. Get in the loop today. Receive our free monthly newsletter: www.alovingway.com / 800-647-1171.]

I find myself going deeper and deeper into the healing of my childhood wounds and beliefs about life that no longer serve me, with each passing year. And in that process, I find that the more I heal my wounds, the less baggage my children are required to carry forward in their lives, and into the generations that follow.

The other day, I asked God to help bring peace to my relationship with my dad. Due to religious differences, he chooses not to have a relationship with me, which has brought me much sadness over the years. While I’ve accepted it, I know it still impacts the relationships I have with others in my life.

In the process of being willing to surrender to peace at an even deeper level, along with realizing that I don’t have to recreate the past ~ I can create what I want for myself and my own family, I am finding a deeper sense of freedom and joy within me. I am letting go of baggage. I don’t know what that will bring in the actual relationship with my dad. However, magically, I already see it transforming the relationship I have with my husband, as well as my daughter’s relationship with him. My willingness to let go has not only impacted my life, it has also given my daughter freedom to live a different life. Beautiful! And … that means she will not carry that lesson to her children.

Remember, we are free to create the life we want … regardless of where we come from. We really are. And in the process of healing, creating, and thriving, we gift our children with not having to deal with our wounds, baggage and pain, and free them up to live an amazingly brilliant life. They get to be free too.

[Traci Carman, Founder of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference, www.alovingway.com. You are invited to sign up for our free newsletter.]

Birds are instinctive and they don’t have a lot of “mind chatter” to bog them down, or financial stress, too many jobs, not enough sleep, etc. They are very connected to what creates not only surviving, but thriving. I see it every day from my window. They are loving and nurturing, and accepting when it’s time for the babies to launch.

Remember … if you have tweens/teens, this is not the time to “let go”. It’s the time to give them space, while staying very close. Just like the birds, our children will be flying one day. We want to be there to ensure their safety, to give them feedback, and to let them know how much we love them.

How perfect … just now, the baby birds flew out of the nest with mom and dad. Off to life practice they go.

[Traci Carman, A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference, 800-647-1171, tracicarman@alovingway.com]

When breakfast was ready, it was truly amazing. Not only did she make scrambled eggs, french toast, and cut up cantelope, but she cleaned off the patio table (it was a gorgeous sunny morning), put a beautiful table cloth on, gold placemats, and even added a vase with flowers from our garden. Wow! To top it off, she brought in little containers of syrup and honey for our french toast, and put cloths on our chairs to sit on. Then she added a scarf around the vase. It was a beautiful site, and so yummy!

I said, “Alexis, this is absolutely wonderful. Thank you! It is delicious, and the table is beautiful. I am so proud of you. Look how creative you are.” She smiled big, took a deep breath (taking it in), and said, “I love myself.” She smiled again and said, “I love myself.” I told her I was glad that she loves herself, that she did a fabulous job, and we were grateful for her gift.

These are the moments you can have with your pre-teens and teens. I love it!

[Traci Carman, A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference, www.alovingway.com]

In the pre-teen and teen years, our children are extremely vulnerable. They have hormones happening, peer pressure, attraction to the opposite sex, and a lot of choices and decisions that are starting to come up. Some of those choices are related to school, but a lot of them are related to life: the friends they choose, the work they want to do as an adult, the type of life and lifestyle they are going to create, what kind of relationship they want, and so much more. Who are their friends? How are they choosing them? What attracts them to a girl or boy at school? What pieces are they not so attracted to? They need help deciphering all of this information that is coming in. This is the time when our kids need us the most.

So, the next time you find yourself thinking they don’t need you so much, realize they need you even more; even though they may think they don’t.

[Traci Carman, A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference, www.alovingway.com - sign up for our free newsletter]

I knew children who had believed in Santa, and then the shocking news showed up one year when their parents informed them that he was not real. Their parents were afraid the kids would be made fun of at school, if they still believed in Santa.

I also knew children who were told that Santa was real by their parents for the longest time, and one day their friends told them he wasn’t. The kids actually wondered why their parents would tell them he was real, when he wasn’t. They believed their friends.

Personally, I wanted to do it another way. I wanted to preserve the innocence and imagination of my children. At the same time, I wanted to continue building trust and truth within our relationship.

What I chose to do was very simple. Here are some tips that might be useful:

1. Ask your children what they think about Santa being real or not (only if they are asking you this question ~ do not rush it). Where are they coming from? That would be helpful to know. Sometimes it just pops into their head, and other times it is spurred on by friends. It would be good to know why they are asking.

2. Share stories from your childhood that would speak to this subject. Since I didn’t celebrate Christmas as a child, I shared that I hadn’t been taught that Santa was real, and why. I shared what I saw in my friends’ experiences of being told that he was real when they were young, and that he wasn’t real when they were older. And then I shared where I was right then. They loved hearing the stories.

3. Share with your children that everyone has a different belief and experience of Santa. There are numerous perspectives. Let them know that they get to choose what they want to believe, and they can change it any time they wish. This way you are not misleading them, and you are not bursting their bubble.

4. Then, allow them to explore (if and when they choose) the various stories and beliefs related to Santa. If each parent shares their story, that’s two perspectives. What about grandma and grandpa? Cartoons have a perspective. Friends have perspectives. Let them explore and figure it out for themselves. They’ll do a little exploring and then get bored. That’s okay. They’ll ask again.

5. Avoid giving them a “yes” or “no” answer. Is there really such an answer? Are we talking about Santa literally? Figuratively? Let them discover what Christmas and Santa means to them as an individual. And know that this will be an ongoing conversation for years. I just meet my kids where they are each year, and we all compare notes. They get lots of new perspectives as they mature, and it creates a lot of freedom, trust and inner connection.

You see, this is part of the Magic of Christmas. And this is part of the guidance that parents provide. We give our children many perspectives in life, and let them choose what fits for them. This breeds confidence, self-esteem and acceptance of individuality.

I waited over 20 years to have the magical experience of Christmas. I choose to share that magic with my children, and to allow them to create whatever they want to create around Christmas for themselves. We are practical and simple, and we share abundance of love. What is the Magic of Christmas in your family?

Wishing you and your family a most joyous Holiday Season!

[Traci Carman is an expert on parenting. To sign up for her free parenting newsletter, go to www.alovingway.com. A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes A Difference]

Well, as I’ve noticed it’s not working, my mind is working hard at problem-solving. I’m looking at where the glitches are, where possible solutions can be found, who the dilly-dally members are, and where the change needs to begin. After all, it’s a process to implement change, or at least to get really clear on where that change needs to start. And, when there are several people involved (such as in a family), communication is key.

These are my recommendations, if you are experiencing Groundhog Day:
1) Point out to those involved that the result you are getting is not what you want. (and clarify that it’s not what they want)
2) Start “watching” what’s not working from a place of curiosity. Don’t get upset and yell; simply “wonder” and be “curious” … “hmmm … what do we need to change?”
3) Get the other family members on the same page. Communication is essential.
4) Implement little changes here and there, to see how they impact the overall flow. Tweak as you go.
5) Keep backing up until you get to the place where the real trouble starts. (i.e. if you’re late for school, look at when everyone is getting up, what can be done at night to ease the morning, is everyone getting enough sleep, when are they going to bed, when is dinner, homework, when are sports ending, etc. etc.).
6) Talk about what you think needs to be changed. Ask for ideas. Look for ways to implement as a team.

There are several ways to approach it. I suggest curiosity and teamwork. Stress, yelling and control will backfire … usually in the teen years.

Hope this helps. Remember, your children are constantly growing and changing. That means every day can bring change. Grow with your children. It will be a much easier and more enjoyable journey. And everyone benefits.

(Traci Carman is a parenting coach, speaker and author. Sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com. A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference.)

How often do we have a thought we want to convey to our kids (something we want them to do or change or know), and our communication to them is unclear? We don’t actually take the time to look in their eyes, connect with their heart, and make sure they receive what we are wanting to share. And by receiving, I mean receiving our love in the thought … getting who we are in the sharing. And, how often do we not complete that cycle with a confirmation that our communication was received?

All of those “incomplete” cycles are left floating around in our minds. Talk about clutter!

So, in your next communication with your child, take these steps:

1) Make sure they are available (able and willing) to hear you.
2) Make sure your HEART is open. No one can feel your heart and really “get” you when you are closed.
3) Have a CLEAR thought you want to convey.
4) INTEND that they receive your thought AND your heart.
5) Be willing to clarify, summarize and repeat until they understand. (If they don’t understand, it is incomplete.)
6) Make sure you get a confirmation from them (nod, thank you, I got it, I understand, etc.).

THEN you are able to start another communication cycle. Give them an opportunity to share what is so for them, giving them the same attention, listening, and opportunity to get their ideas across.

Try it. See how many communication cycles you can complete, and notice how that feels!

[Traci Carman is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way, How I Parent Makes a Difference. She is known for her practical and intuitive parenting style. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter today: www.alovingway.com.]

Ask yourself: Is it about not giving them everything? Making them work for what they want? Making sure they see what others do not have? Teaching them to share? These are some of the strategies I have seen parents use in order to teach gratitude.

As I was giving this some thought, the answer, in my opinion, became quite simple: the experience of feeling grateful is what creates gratitude.

Gratitude is about having a true and authentic experience of being grateful.

Here are three ideas that you can use with your children to nurture gratitude:

#1: In the morning, start your day with sharing what you are grateful for. It could be a good night sleep, sunshine, rain, friends we get to see, a favorite cartoon, our favorite teacher, the home we live in, food to eat, health, family, a pet, a game, a book, the weekend, sleeping in, etc. Each person can share 1-3 things to start creating the habit of looking for things to feel grateful for.

#2: At dinner, have everyone share what their gratitudes or appreciations are for the day. We do that every night in our home, and it’s a great way to see what is important to your children, as well as to nurture gratitude in their hearts. They also get to see what happens in your day, and what is important to you as well. Again, it’s about getting into the habit of looking for, and expressing, gratitude. What we focus on expands.

#3: At bedtime, invite your children to share three things they were grateful for today. You share too. If your children enjoy writing, offer for them to keep a gratitude journal. Writing things down (especially gratitudes) is very powerful.

Pick one of these activities and just make it fun. You also want to make it informal. Do not press your children for gratitudes; it defeats the whole purpose. And, feel free to give them ideas if they are struggling to think of something. New habits take practice. The habit of gratitude, when nurtured daily, grows pretty quickly. You are planting seeds and fertilizing the soil with consistency and love.

Enjoy creating a grateful family. Happy Thanksgiving!

Traci Carman is the Founder and CEO of A Loving Way ~ How I Parent Makes a Difference. She is known for her practical and intuitive parenting style. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter at www.alovingway.com.