Amber's One Blessed Blog

mental health confessions

2014-04-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned before to a few select people that I live with anxiety, but I have felt the need to tell more people now, I live with anxiety.
Am I functioning? absolutely.
Does it affect my every day? yes.

I think a lot of it can be attributed to our lives for the past few years. For so long, we have been so poor, and have had trial after trial, we were in what I like to call "crisis-solving mode", which is an extended period of panicking, essentially.

The thing is, once you've been in a state of panic for months on end, it makes it very hard to turn off that panic switch. Whether it was being unable to pay our bills, being dropped from medicaid, missing an important deadline at school, having the car completely die, or receiving death threats... life has been pretty non-stop for a long time.

And in some ways this was a good thing. It pushed me towards my PhD, and helped me learn early on that in order to have stability and peace we would need for me to get a higher education.

But now that things are starting to line up, I just cannot turn off my panic switch. Little things are panic-worthy, or in my mind, they must be panic-worthy because in the past, everything has been panic-worthy.

One of these days I will be able to re-train my brain to accurately asses perceived threats and actual threats. But today is not that day. Today is the day that I had a panic attack in the car because Jeff and I arrived late to the move theater. But today is also the day that I can fully admit that was silly, and move forward to a new day with more hope for less panic.

now here is an adorable picture of me tickling maddie. it has nothing to do with this post.

2014: A Season for Self-Care

2014-01-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

2013 was pretty insane.

- maddie turned one

- Jeff started a new job

- a woman prayed

- I started my Master's

- I applied for PhD programs

- I started working at the Crisis Nursery

- I started doing research again and subsequently got a book chapter publication deal

- I started a website (we also have a Facebook page, a pinterest page, and a twitter account!)

- I mastered Geriatric Pilates

If you take a look at that list you may understand why I am declaring 2014 a year for self-care. I just took on too much last year.

My hopes for 2014:

- I will take time to breathe.

- I'll hope to get into a PhD program and be ok with no matter what happens.

- I'll stop feeling guilty for not being a perfect mom.

- I will learn to laugh at stressful situations.

- I will listen to what my body is telling me. (meaning I should go to sleep now.)

- I will be healthy.

One thing that continues to remain the same, I have an amazing family. Jeff continues to be the most amazingly supportive spouse who just gets me, my anxiety, and my sense of humor. Maddie is becoming the most incredibly hilarious little person. She has her daddy's looks, and her momma's personality. I love her.

Here are some of the highlights from 2013!

How to be a Christian and not be bigoted towards our LGBT brothers and sisters

2013-12-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

I recently posted this as my status on facebook and a friend of mine requested that I also post it in my blog. So, here it is!

Duck Dynasty.

I am going to open a can of worms here because I honestly know that it is the right thing to do.
Christian friends, there is a way to support marriage between a man and a woman that does not involved insulting and your LGBT friends and family. There is a difference between supporting your political beliefs, and making bigoted comments. Saying "I support marriage between a man and a woman" is not hateful. Comparing those who are gay and lesbian to bestiality is bigoted, and hurtful, and it will get you no where.

Let me explain. I'm currently pursuing my Doctorate in Psychology, and I'm doing research for the American psychological association. I'm currently working on two projects; the first of which studies the prejudice and microaggressions that LGBT populations face and how it affects their well-being, the second of which is something near and dear to my heart, which is about how to help LGB clients stay in their religion while struggling with their sexual identity.

I have met hundreds of God's children who desperately want to stay in their religion but who are pushed out because of comments exactly like Robert's. There is a way to support marriage between a man and a woman without insulting someone who is gay or lesbian by comparing who they are to bestiality.

This is a topic that I could literally go on for days about, but just please understand that through my research I have come to believe that as Christians we have a greater responsibility to be loving and accepting to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Insulting them, and thereby inadvertently pushing them away from God is just not the answer.

I don't judge you for your beliefs - I completely understand them. I do, however, feel a moral obligation to comment on things that are anti-gay. Had Roberts simply said "I support marriage between a man and a woman", I would have thought "good for him!" And moved on. But because I have seen firsthand how comments like Roberts' can lead those who are LGBT to depression, anxiety and even suicide, and lead them away from God, not towards him, I feel a moral obligation to speak out against it.

***As a side note, I would like to clarify that I personally support marriage equality. But being an LGBT ally who does research specifically about LGBT populations and religion, I have had the unique opportunity to see how Christians unintentionally push away their brothers and sisters, and how many of those who are LGBT become hardened to religion. There is more common ground on both sides than we think, and it starts with speaking more kindly on this topic, and being aware of how what you say can affect others.

Running on fumes.

2013-12-11T09:50:00.001-08:00

I have been feeling pretty down lately. Part of that was a stomach flu that I caught at work. That literally brought me down... to my knees... in front of a toilet. blehk.

But honestly, I am reaching the end of my "how does she do it all" energy pool. And by that, I mean that I have been really motivated all year long to go to school, do research, work a part-time job, and be a stay at home mom.

But I'm reaching my limit.

So many people have told me that they admire me for everything that I do, and look up to me.

Please, don't.

What you don't get to see are the hours I've spent crying because I have so much to do and so little time to do it. The guilt that I have felt that instead of enjoying my time at home with maddie, I spend it fighting falling asleep while playing with her, or bouncing her in my lap while typing up research papers. You don't get to see me driving to work fighting back hot tears because I'll be spending another weekend with other children than my own, or the times I have called Jeff and pleaded with him to have lunch at home instead of at work because I have only ever gotten to see him in passing.

So yeah. I'm a little tired. I'm running on fumes.

But I also know that this guilt I feel is felt by pretty much all women. I guess I just needed to tell you that my energy isn't endless, and my life isn't perfect. It's just easier to post about the good stuff on facebook than it is the bad.

And I need maddie to know that I am really sorry for how many times I have stuck her in front of the TV to go escape and take a shower. I hope that you know, my maddie bear, that if you aren't potty trained by two, know your ABCs, or the difference between a circle and a square, it won't be because you're not incredibly smart, because you are. It's just because your mom and dad are busy sacrificing so that we can hope to give you a better future.

and now I have to go, because while I was attempting to pour myself a bowl of cereal, you, my sweet daughter, managed to poop on my couch.

Adventures at the Gym

2013-10-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

So Jeff and I recently joined a gym. It has been SUCH good investment in my physical and my mental health - I get to workout, and I get an hour away from maddie while she gets some great socialization at the gym's daycare.

However, every time I go, there is always something hilarious that happens. so much so that I'm thinking about starting a mini-series here on the blog.

Here was the first thing, posted about on my facebook:

So this week, to shake things up from being a failed ballet dancer, I decided to take a kick boxing class. Way more up my alley.
Except the class was in the middle of the day, so half of the class ended up being senior citizens, which wasn't a problem - they just used modifications. The class was still REALLY hard.
But at one point in the class, the teacher yelled out "time to go turbo!!!" which meant that we (the people my age) had to do everything in double time while the other half of the class just sat back and laughed at us.

In fact, they thought it was so funny that one woman, named barb, yelled out "that was great, do it again!"

so we did. and the seniors continued to laugh at us. They even demanded that we do it a third time.

No thanks, Barb. You try going turbo and then we'll talk.

Pilates is tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The Puppy Chronicles

2013-10-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

We say that maddie's first word was "mama", but let's get real. That wasn't her first intentional word. that was random babbling that happened upon a word that I interpreted as her calling out for me.

her first real, intentional word was "PUHPEEE???" otherwise known as puppy.

Ever since that day, it has been puppy everything.

here are some examples:

when maddie first wakes up for the day and I walk in her room, she asks where our dog is - "puppeee???"

any time maddie sees any life form, she declares it a puppy. we went to the petting zoo and had some pretty angry petting zoo workers after maddie called the cows, goats, and pigs all puppies.

any time I have to brag her to go anywhere, I promise her that there will be puppies in the car. I know, I'm a terrible mother. She'll get over it eventually.

Maddie likes to pretend to talk on my phone. This is how her conversations go:

"puppy? no no no. more. more puppy. apple? no no no. puppies. Puuhhpeee?!"

When I tell maddie to go find dada, she goes and finds buddy (our dog.)

If maddie wakes up in the middle of the night, she howls like a dog. "aaaahooooooo"

maddie rings the doorbell every chance she gets to make buddy bark so she can say "woof woof" with him.

Thank goodness she's a dog person. I don't know what we would have done if she was a cat lover.

you better believe we will be buying her this for Christmas

Reasons I love Portlandia

2013-08-09T09:27:00.001-07:00

#10 Tillamook Ice Cream. Forget everything you know about ice cream.

#9 I saw this in Portland, and I wasn't surprised. a metal horse statue that was urinating. 'Cause you know, ART.

#8 This Pink Trolley.

#7 This is a Sign that says Portland.

#6 This kid Loves the beach.

#5 I mean, this kid LOVES the beach.

#4 Seeing cars like these is totally normal.

#3 this view is all around you, pretty much all of the time.

#2 This Kid also happens to really love nature. and water. and dirt. and mud.

#1 Nature. You don't have to go looking for it in Oregon, it's just all around you.

I miss that the most.

Fourth of July - scroll to the bottom to see a really adorable video

2013-07-05T07:58:00.001-07:00

Not many know this about me, but I LOVE fourth of July. My dad instilled in me a love for all things that light on fire and explode from a young age. Last year, however, was the worst. We had just moved here and Missouri was in a middle of a drought so most towns cancelled their fireworks show. I didn't have a single sparkler to show maddie. So this year, I was determined to make up for it. I can honestly say, we did everything possible to celebrate fourth of july:

naked party in the backyard

skinny dipping

got all dressed up

slept during a picnic

went flying

ate way too much

made cupcakes

ate popcorn and watched a movie

had an awesome spot for the fireworks show

Finally - the fireworks show. I mention that it was all worth it because we had to keep maddie up way past her bedtime and she was pretty fussy, but seeing her face through it all made it all worth it.

a truthful personal statement

2013-07-02T11:07:00.002-07:00

Clinical Psychology programs are harder to get into than medical schools. If I had a dollar for every time someone felt the need to tell me that, I'd have a handful of dollars.

Most schools get 200-300 applicants and accept 5-8 students. A professor I met with last week told me that most students' applications are so competitive that students' resumes are more impressive than her own.

I think about this every. single. day. And I have panic attacks about it almost every day.

Because here's the thing - I'm not great at taking tests. I surely will NOT be getting a perfect score on the GRE. My resume may not have 20 publications, but I know that if I were accepted into a PhD program, I would work my ass off.

For me, getting into that program means EVERYTHING. It promises hope for a better future for my daughter and my family. It would mean we would have some stability in our lives, and be able to live in one area for at least 4-5 years. I would finally be able to start doing what I love with my life.

They say that the success to life is finding what you love to do and making a career out of it. That is what I'm trying to do.

Failure just isn't an option... but the odds of actually accomplishing my dreams are so slim that failure could be inevitable.

I need someone who can see into the future. I also probably need to check myself into a mental institution. Wake me up when this is all over.

Anxiety

2013-06-30T22:42:00.004-07:00

This was me all last week.

Eating out with a toddler.

2013-06-24T07:46:00.002-07:00

I consider going to eat out at least once a day. It goes something like this:

Maddie cries at my feet. I attempt to make something healthy, she continues to cry, jump up and down, and beg for attention, and then I yell "screw it, we're going out!"

It's not that eating out tastes better. It's just that in that moment, it seems like the solution to all your problems. I picture a perfectly happy baby sitting in her high chair, eating freely without me begging her to eat or smashing food into her face. And I picture myself - finally getting a break and eating something. ANYTHING.

So, I throw my toddler in the car, strap her in her carseat, blast baby music to try and keep her from crying, and once we arrive at the restaurant (today it was chipotle) - I see a SEA of people. literally, about 50 people inside this stupid chipotle.

So I wrangle maddie inside, stand in line for what feels like FOREVER, all while maddie's wiggling to try and get out of my arms, order the first thing I see, and go sit down with my food - and that's when it begins.

Maddie starts crying and fussing, throwing her food across the room, all the while people (who have obviously never experienced toddlers) give me the biggest scowls I've ever seen. At one point, I leaned over to pick up some food off the floor that maddie had thrown, and maddie decides to stand in her high chair, and a man runs over to "save her".

"YOUR daughter was standing in her high chair!!!" He says to me, with a judgemental tone.
"yeah, she's getting pretty good at that." I responded as I took maddie back from him.
"she could have FALLEN and cracked her head open!!!"
"Yeah, I know." I responded, "but for some reason, she just doesn't listen to me. Isn't that rude of her?" I grinned. He scowled at me and went back to his seat.

Just as I was about to take my first bite of food, maddie gives me that look. The "if you don't get me out of here in 10 seconds, I am going to explode like a nuclear bomb" look.

So I start packing everything up, fighting back tears, when a chipotle employee comes over to me and helps me wipe down my table.

"don't even worry about cleaning up", he says "she hardly made a mess compared to some of the other kids that come here."
He's clearly lying to me as he continued to scrape a layer of rice and beans on the floor, but I appreciated it anyway.
"Thank you," I said. "That is really kind of you."
"Don't worry about it. I have nephews her age. They are a handful. hang in there."

I picked maddie up, wrapped up my food, and walked out to my car and just cried. Thank you for your kindness, random chipotle employee. I wish everyone could have your compassion.

Floods and Lost Keys

2013-06-18T14:53:00.001-07:00

Another day, another crisis.

Yesterday it was a flash flood. We only got hit with about 1/2 of water inside our house, but umm... that should not be normal. All my Missouri friends were like "well, at least it wasn't a tornado!", and I kept thinking, "PEOPLE. Why are we having to choose between a TORNADO or a FLOOD in any place other than sim city? THIS IS NOT NORMAL."

See, in Oregon, it rains all the time, but because we're used to the rain we have something called "working drains" that actually clear the water away from towns and cities. Also, all of our coniferous trees (never heard of it? It's all I learned about in middle school science class) work to suck up the water and keep the soil strong.

Anyways...

Today I decided to go to the mall. It has been 3 years since I bought myself a pair of shorts, and now that I live in the sweaty, muggy armpit that is humidity, MO, I am long overdue to wear normal summer weather clothes. While at the mall, I thought to myself, "man, this is nice. I should do this more often. Maddie is finally at an age where she can actually sit well in her stroller and I can buy something that won't be covered in baby vomit ten minutes later."
That was my first mistake, thinking the day was going well. I jinxed myself. ten minutes later, maddie grabbed my car keys and hid them in a tub of clearance soap at bath and body works.

Don't worry, I found them... 2 hours and 4 panicked phone calls later. (talk about a great workout - I circled the mall five times before finding them.)

This is how the conversation went with mall employees:

"Hi, my daughter got a hold of my keys and threw them out of her stroller, and now I'm searching for them. Can I leave my phone number with you in case you happen to find them in your store?"

mall employee: looks at me with a blank stare "you let your baby have your keys?"

me: "yeah, I know. Bad idea."

Mall employee: "what do the keys look like?"

me: "They have a bunch of keys on them, a pink rape whistle, and a mini elephant toy." (true story. My keys are the coolest)

mall employee "OK, but they're definitely not here. I bet you they're at [insert random store here]. The employees there are really cluttered and dirty."

So now I know that mall employees (1) are super judgmental about babies/toddlers, and (2) have secret feuds with other stores in the mall. Who knew?

My little trouble maker.

today, my baby ordered porn.

2013-06-11T21:42:00.002-07:00

Maddie was playing around with the TV remote today while I was making her a snack in the kitchen. All of a sudden, I hear the TV making weird moaning noises, when I walk in and see a PPV porno playing on the TV. I laughed, turned it off, and gave her a snack, being more concerned about the upcoming bill than my one year old being exposed to 30 seconds of women making out together.

Later that day I took maddie swimming. She's seriously an awesome swimmer, and I've even got her semi-dog paddling towards the wall when I ask her to. (this is what happens when your mom used to teach swim lessons to toddlers - she forces you in the pool and dunks you underwater before you're even aware of how to use your arms.)

A woman came up to me and said, "Oh, I LOVE your daughter's swimsuit!"
"Thank you," I said, very pleased with myself. There really is nothing cuter than babies and swimsuits. There's something about how their bellies stick out and they waddle around that swimsuits make them look even cuter.
"I just love that swimsuit," she continued, "it's so sexy. What a sexy baby."

WHAAAAT? Did this woman seriously just call my one-year-old sexy? I didn't know whether to laugh or run away yelling, "pedophile in the pool!"
I was really tempted to say "huh, it must have been from all that porn she watched this morning."

Instead I just laughed and said "ha, I didn't think babies could be sexy..." and swam away.

The moral of the lesson is that parenting can be really weird. And don't buy adorable swimsuits for your children, because then the weirdos will come out and talk to you about them.

schedule

2013-06-11T07:15:00.001-07:00

Wake up. Feed maddie. get maddie dressed, put her down for a nap. clean up the mess from maddie throwing 76% of breakfast on the floor. Get dressed. study. maddie wakes up, feed maddie. run errands, come home, put maddie down for her second nap. Breath. shove some food in your mouth, and then study some more. Jeff gets home, leave for class, come home at 9:30, study some more.

weekends compile of the same thing, but add going to work and working with five to ten maddies, and no studying whatsoever.

two hypothetical questions for you: when this is all done, it will be worth it, right?
also, this will end at some point, right? please?

What have we been up to?

2013-06-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

I realized that it has been a long time since I've posted about our life goals. I'm not sure that anyone even reads this, or cares (and who can blame you?) But, I like to think that someday when I'm old, I'll look back and read this on my super-high-tech spaceship, and laugh at how young and witty I was. (hi, future space self!)

This time last year we had just moved across the country, used up all of our savings, only to find out that the master's program I had been accepted to had been cancelled. We were so sad, so poor, and so devastated.

Currently, Jeff has an amaaaazing job as being one of the head honchos for a company that helps clients with developmental disabilities. He is the program manager, and the only person above him is the Vice President of the company. So yeaaaaah. He's kind of a big deal. I like to call his position, "super boss man", because it sounds so much cooler than his actual title.

(have I mentioned that he has his OWN office? with a WINDOW?? I mean, how adult can he be?)

We both are students at the 3RD best counseling program in the nation, and it is awesome, I LOVE it.

I have a few things going on in my life. Try to keep up.

1. Stay at home mom to a baby/toddlers. *when do babies officially become toddlers? Is it when they start flinging around their own poop? If so, my baby is officially a toddler.

2. At nights, I take classes. Sometimes I love them, sometimes, I'd rather be sleeping.

3. On weekends I work at the Saint Louis Crisis Nursery. I love what I do, and I love the whole mission and purpose of the crisis nursery, which is to help prevent child abuse... but I essentially leave my house full of dirty diapers, to go to work with more poopy diapers. (but I seriously do love it.)

4. I'm applying to get my PhD. This one should really be a declaration of insanity, because I'm realizing that I must be insane to want to continue to go to school for the rest of my life, but since starting my Masters in Counseling, I have realized that I really need a PhD in psychology in order to pay the bills, and in order to do what I want with my field. So I'm currently studying to re-take the GRE, and I'll be applying to PhD programs in the fall. Please send me some good vibes that just one of those schools decides to accept me!

And that's about it. I'll get to sleep one day, right?

This is a random picture of a Garden gnome I saw at Target that somehow feels appropriate for this post.
(I'm now regretting my decision not to buy it. I mean, it was only 12.99, and it makes me laugh every time I see it. )

The Parenting Competition

2013-06-04T16:20:00.002-07:00

Parenting is a competition.

mom 1: "well, I ONLY buy my baby whole, organic foods."
mom 2: "well, I only buy MY BABY gluten-free products."

me: "... sometimes maddie eats dirt. but that's organic and gluten-free, riiiight?"

After traveling to visit my good friend from High school, and her fiance, and their dozens of dogs (just kidding. it was only three dogs, but to maddie, it seemed like a lot more.) Maddie learned the word puppy.
One day at home, while reading a book, she looked at a cartoon dog and started shrieking "puppeee puppee pupeee!!!"
To which I thought, "Holy s^#*&. My baby is a genius."
Because you have to understand, when I first met my baby, the fact that she pooped 10 times a day was a big accomplishment. Now my little poop machine is actually COMMUNICATING with me, and that blows my mind.

So I went to the bookstore today to buy her some more books to try and expand her vocabulary, cuz I'm like a super good mom and all that. (I'm not. maddie is currently outside eating more dirt.)
And that's where I met that mom.

first you should know that all babies are fascinated with each other. they can't help it. They just love other chunky short people like themselves.
So while maddie and the other baby were exchanging slobber-covered blocks, I made small talk with other baby's mom.
Me: "your baby is soo cute!" (he wasn't. that's just something everyone is obligated to say.)
her: "thanks. did you know that he's in the 99th percentile for height?"
me: "wow!" (I didn't really care. Maddie is off the charts for her height, too, but after working at the Crisis Nursery, I've realized that a lot of kids are somehow in the 99th percentile for height...which makes no sense.)
her: "yeah. he's like so smart. My friend is a psycho child behavior neuro surgeon and she keeps telling me that he is SO advanced."
I watched as he stuck a block up his nose. me: "yeah, he seems super smart..."

But let's be honest. no toddler is crazy smart. They are all just super poop machines, and we as parents have to justify that they are crazy smart to make ourselves feel better when they do really dumb things that drive us all crazy. But can't we all just admit that instead of comparing our kids to one another?

How I stopped dieting and lost weight:

2013-03-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

a picture of myself at 13.
I remember thinking I was the size of
an overly obsese woman.

I started loving myself.

When maddie was born, I had a lot of fears, but one of the worst ones I had involved her experiencing the same kind of body-loathing that I went through in my youth. The kind of body-loathing that I think is becoming so prevalent today.

(50% of girls will attempt dieting before they turn eight!)

When I was a kid, I was taller than everyone in the school. By the time I was 12, I was already 5'8", and ahead of everyone. I remember thinking that I was just so incredibly fat. It wasn't until college really that I started accepting my body, but I never really developed a healthy relationship with food.

When maddie was born, I went through another period of self-loathing. Your body just changes so much during a pregnancy, and I started to just feel so uncomfortable in this body I didn't even recognize anymore.
I started trying to lose weight by diet and excercise, but I found myself only becoming more hyper-critical and gaining even more weight.
so I took a step back and gave up.

Until Maddie started eating solid food. She would only eat whatever she saw me eating. I realized at this point that it was time for me to change and have the kind of diet I would want her to have.
So, I became a vegan. (temporarily.) Babies are only allowed to eat fruits and vegetables at first, so that's all I ate. Lots and lots of produce.
I cut out all processed food, I stopped eating meat and dairy, and I learned to really love fruits and vegetables again. And something clicked in my brain - I learned to start craving the foods that make my body feel good. I learned to eat for sustenance. period.
And then I started to really enjoy my food in a way I never knew how to before.

Long story short, without even really trying, I have lost about 40 pounds - granted, a lot of that was regular pregnancy weight, but I lost two pant sizes, and I am actually currently wearing jeans I wore in high school!

Where am I at now? I eat mostly vegan, but only by choice. I eat what makes my body feel good. I never worry about limiting myself when I go out to eat, but I also never feel limited when I'm at home either.
Mainly, I'm not longer in a losing battle with my body and the food I eat. They have become my allies, not my enemies.

I don't think I'll ever really be "perfect", but I am learning how to accept my perfect humanness.

Looking back on how big my tummy was, it only makes sense that it would take some time and healthy eating to get back where I used to be.

my "after" shot.

Internation Women's day!!!

2013-03-06T17:54:00.004-08:00

International Women's day is this Friday and I just so happen to work that day, so I'm trying to come up with an idea for a cool therapeutic activity to do with the girls at my nursery to celebrate them and the strong women they have in their lives.
So far I'm thinking of having them draw a picture about what they like about their mom and what they like about themselves.

Any ideas? Let me know!

PS - wanting a great activity to celebrate on Friday? "Half the Sky", a BRILLIANT PBS documentary just came out on Netflix. Go watch it!

Let Women Pray.

2013-03-04T22:29:00.002-08:00

Have I mentioned that in the past few months I became a MoFemme Activist? Cuz I did. And it was ~~exhausting~~ amazing.

Check out a few articles I was quoted in, USA Today, the Associated Press, the Herald Journal, and several others.

And also, a podcast I was on here.

But more importantly, here is the facebook page that we created, with all of the actual information with what we were about, and what we asked
earnestly for.

I regret only posting this now, after the event is over. I waited partly because the event has taken a lot of my free time away from me. The other part I waited to post this is because I was afraid. I know that all of you, my amazing friends accept me as a Mormon feminist, but I know how much change scares people, and I didn't want any of you to see me differently. I shouldn't have ever felt scared about sharing something so near and dear to me, and for that, I really apologize - apologize to myself. Because if there is one thing that I have learned through this, it's that I need to be more honest with who I am, who I have always been.

And so finally, here is the letter I wrote. It's personal. It gives a lot of insight into who I am, and how I came to be the person I am. I'm grateful for all of it because I sincerely like who I'm becoming.

_____________________________________________________________________________

February 22^nd, 2013
Dearest Linda K. Burton, Elaine S. Dalton, Rosemary M. Wixom, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Elder David F. Evans, and Elder Anthony D. Perkins,

I’m writing to you as Amber Whiteley, one of the main organizers for the organization “Let Women Pray”, who has spent countless hours and sleepless nights working on this, something that I care so passionately about.

But, I’m not just writing to you as the organizer of this event; I’m writing to you as a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I started investigating when I was 14 when I prayed to God, and said “God, I don’t know if you exist, but if you do, will you tell me what church is your church?” A few weeks later the missionaries knocked on my door. I was so impressed with missionaries who supported and encouraged my tough questions, who taught me the plan of salvation, and who even remained my life-long friends, forever having changed my life.

I’m not just an organizer and a convert. I’m writing to you as a wife to an amazing husband. He has been my greatest support in life. He has also put in countless hours supporting me in so many things, including “Let Women Pray”. He has lived through the discrimination I faced at BYU when others openly condemned me for wanting to continue to pursue my education even after having been married. He mourned with me when my relief society president told me that she worried for my children and the type of mother and wife I was going to be. Throughout all that, he has assured me of my value and worth as a woman, and he has pushed me to reach all of my dreams.

I’m not just an organizer, a convert, and a wife. I’m a mother to an amazing daughter, who just turned one this week. I have really done this for her. She has changed me into the woman I wanted to be. When giving birth to Madison, I had some complications that risked my life. The doctors told me to take a minute to be with my husband and daughter to say our goodbyes. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace that day, and truly felt Heavenly Father’s presence in my life.
I vowed to stop taking life for granted, and really become the woman I knew I could be, the woman I know Heavenly Father wants me to be.

I’m an activist, a convert, a wife, a mother, and a faithful member. I hope you know that the intent behind this movement was one of peace, and real concern. As a convert, I have always had a zeal for asking hard questions, and today I am writing to ask, why is it that women do not pray in general conference meetings? As a wife, I strongly believe that my equal partnership with my husband is one of our greatest strengths in our marriage. As a mother, I do not want my daughter to grow up ever thinking that her prayers are less important. This is a topic that pains me. I know that I have just as strong a relationship with my Heavenly Father as any man does, but I know that seeing a woman praying on behalf of millions gathered together for General Conference would be so powerful.

I’m an organizer, a wife, a mother, and a faithful member with an honest, heart-felt plea.

With love and great admiration,

Amber Whiteley,
Saint Louis, MO

_________________________________________________________________________________

We managed to keep Maddie alive for a WHOLE YEAR.

2013-02-24T20:07:00.000-08:00

My frosting skills are improving!

milk and cookies bar

Our only birthday gift to maddie was a gift for ourselves - a long, overdue high chair. Can you believe we went a whole year without one?

giant cupcake, homemade. It was so fun!

I'm currently obsessed with these paper straws and mason jar mugs.

some of our amazing friends!

we got some really cute clothes for spring. I can't wait for it to get warmer so I can dress her up in them!

testing out the frosting

I think it's safe to say that she likes it.

feeding dad some cake

the afterwards. At this point I was worried about her tummy, so I took it away from her.

she wiped all of her frosting on my shirt!

party's over. sugar crash!

Such a great day. I can't believe my little peanut is a whole year old!
Thanks to everyone who came to her birthday party!

Valentine's ghost of holiday past

2013-02-14T09:37:00.003-08:00

Jeff and I had a really sweet valentine's day last year. We had scheduled my c-section for four days away, and I was terrified. Full of pregnancy hormones and a very real sense of change of EVERYTHING, I woke up almost every morning crying. I was mourning my old life, scared that I wouldn't be a good mother, scared to go through this without any family around, and absolutely terrified for my baby's health and whether we would be able to turn her so she wasn't breech anymore.

Jeff, sensing that I needed to get my mind off of everything, developed an amazing plan. A valentine's day full of activities that we had always wanted to do, but never had the time for, and mostly things that we couldn't do with a baby.

1. Go out to dinner on a whim. Check. (PF changs. I remember having so many false contractions in the restaurant that I spent most of the time in the bathroom, lying down on the floor of the hadicapped stall. But being stubborn, I insisted we made the most of it and finished our meal.)

2. Go see a movie. Check. It was some romantic comedy that did not help my emotions any, and I ended up weeping through the whole thing. haha!

3. go to Schmidt's bakery. I was convinced that we would never leave the house after the baby was born for some reason. So we got fancy pastries and pretended to be cultured. Also, I remember being hungry 24/7, so maybe it was just another excuse to eat something.

We went to schmidt's bakery, which was this really cute, semi-famous bakery near our house.

and the stuff we bought was really good.

Ugh. I do not miss how bloated I was back then. My husband looks fantastic, as always.

And Jeff bought me my favorite guilty pleasure food: cinnamon buns. I'm laughing now realizing how many of these were food-related. Oh, boy was I pregnant.

Jeff bought flowers, too.

Now that the baby has been here for almost a year, I can truly say I was crazy for being so scared of change. As fun as last valentine's day was, this year is MILES better.

So what are we doing this year?

Honestly, not too much. When you have a baby, valentine's day becomes less about romance, and more about counting your blessings. But to be honest, the superficial pressure of proving your love by spending a ton of money on a romantic gesture is gone, and I don't miss it at all. I don't mourn my past life like I once thought I would. Now excuse me while I go spend time with the two loves of my life.

Poor serving the poor

2013-02-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

I recently started my job working weekends at the Saint Louis Crisis Nursery, and I LOVE it.

What is it, you ask? The Nursery is a non-profit kind of shelter for kids to prevent abuse from happening in the home. Parents call us up and ask if we can take their kids for a few hours or even a few days while they are going through a crisis. The reasons vary from needing day care so that the parents can go to work, to a parent feeling suicidal, and needing us to take their kids while they receive psychiatric help.

I know it's only been my first week, but I really do love what I'm doing. I was concerned that it would be too tiring for me to handle, but so far serving other people has just energized me, if anything. I do miss having time together with Jeff and Maddie on the weekends, but the bills have to be paid.

In case you're wondering what my schedule looks like - I watch maddie during the days, go to grad school classes at night, and work on the weekends. Thank goodness Jeff and I are taking the same classes, otherwise we would literally never see each other except in passing.

For this next part, I need to do some back-tracking.

Graduating with your bachelor's is not what it used to be. Jeff and I honestly (and naively) thought that graduating would ensure more income, better jobs, etc. We were wrong. It has brought Jeff one low-paying job after another. We quickly realized that the only way to break this cycle would be to go back to school and get some kind of graduate degree.

While we always wanted the end goal to be to recieve our PhDs, I was intimidated by the competition for clinical psychology programs, with their acceptance rates around 3-6%, they're harder to get into than medical schools. So we decided to get our master's in counseling, so that we could financially be able to counsel and support ourselves through our PhD, and so we could develop more experience, making our Resume's more impressive.

Well, I'm here to say that I was wrong. And so dumb. The master's program here will essentially take as much time as a PhD program (because you have to work to support yourself, you end up taking less classes), and more money, (because PhD programs are almost always paid for, and master's are not.)

So now here I am. Three years later after graduation, we are still poor, and we are back to square one. Not to worry, we're going to continue with the master's program, but all the while, we are going to try and prepare a doctorate.

That gives me one year to increase my GRE scores, do more research, and send in applications. On top of everything else we have going on. yikes.

I couldn't feel more sheepish. Why didn't I do all of this when I was completing my undergraduate? Why did I ever tell myself that I should wait a few years? How could I ever have been so young and arrogant and naive and foolish about this stuff?

Welcome to real life, I suppose. I hope one day we'll break the cycle and be able to look back on this and laugh. Until then, I will be working at the Crisis Nursery, a poor woman, serving other poor women. At least my experience helps me have empathy.

And here's a maddie gram to brighten up an otherwise depressing blog post:

I can't wait for potty training.

2013-01-07T08:39:00.002-08:00

This is my life.

Why January is the worst month in the history of months.

2013-01-06T17:59:00.000-08:00

Those faces about sum things up.

I have had a theory since I was about 16 - January is terrible.

If you're a student, classes start in September.
Halloween is in October.
Thanksgiving is in November.
The mother of all holidays, Christmas, is celebrated all December long. (and if you're like me and have a soul, celebrated during parts of November, too.)

But then January hits, and there is nothing to look forward to. No holiday. No sunshine. No warm weather.
It's a long, long month of freezing cold, sunsets at 5:30, and no twinkle lights.

'Tis the season to celebrate nothing, fa la la la la la la blah blah.

The Whiteley household is no exception. Jeff had to work from 9 pm - 9am last night. Maddie seems to sense whenever Jeff works an overnight shift and wakes up at 2:00 am to have a party. yaaay.
When he got home today (a Sunday , I was looking forward to going to church and getting out of the house, only to be overwhelmed by sleep deprivation. When I woke up, he had to leave again for work.

I think our ward thinks we're inactive.

It's too cold to take maddie out to a park, and Jeff has the car all the time, so Maddie and I slump like vegetables in our house, desperate for some social interaction.

Grad school can't come soon enough.
and neither can a second car.
and neither can February.

Why maddie may be an only child.

2013-01-02T21:41:00.000-08:00

If you haven't already discovered C. Jane, please do. She is a mormon mommy blogger, but she is just so eloquent. She is my role model. Her writing has this way of soothing you and inviting her into her life at the same time. I could only ever dream of writing like she does.

Just yesterday she posted about her heart-shaped uterus. I was shocked. Yet another thing I have in common with C. Jane, although, I wish it was something no one ever had to have.

She highlights her miscarriage as a result of her condition. I sat there at my computer desk, just sobbing. I had heard the possibilities of what could happen, the "side effects", of having a heart-shaped uterus, but I have never had to face them. We were lucky. So lucky.

When Maddie was born, the doctors told me that I had the most severe case of bicornuate (heart-shaped) uterus they had ever seen. The odds that maddie had grown correctly with no complications were slim. very slim.

So I went home, grateful for my amazing blessing and tried not to think about it. Which has been easy to do. Babies have this habit of taking up your time so that you don't even want to consider having any more kids. Not that I don't love her, and all babies, really. But when you're sleep deprived, you only want to think about whatever will get you more sleep, not less.

Now that we're quickly approaching maddie's 1st birthday, people are starting to ask "when is maddie going to become a sister?". I don't blame them necessarily. If I were normal, the answer would simply be "as soon as I'm in my last year of grad school." But I'm not normal. and the answer isn't so simple.

How do I explain without horrifying them that another pregnancy puts me and my baby at risk of dying? How do I gently tell someone that I don't have the strength to have a miscarriage? How do I explain that maddie was nothing short of a miracle, and even then it took us a year plus to conceive her?

And there it was. C. Jane's blog. A story about someone who hadn't been so lucky. A baby who never received a spirit. I couldn't do it. Not emotionally, not physically.

So here I am, facing facts. My condition isn't just some medical term any more, and my side-effects aren't just an after-thought.

I, Amber, who dreamed of having six kids, may only just have the one.

Maybe one day we'll be able to adopt, although it's a complicated process that doesn't tend to favor parents who already have children.

But for now, it's just the one. And you know what? We've really come to peace with that. For now, our family feels whole. Goodness knows, she keeps us plenty busy. And we're blessed. So blessed.

I am continuously convinced there is a divine reason maddie is here with us today. The odds were stacked against us, against her, and yet she is with us, continually changing us into better people. Whenever I am tempted to wish that we had waited to have maddie until later in our lives, until after graduate school, a voice in my head whispers to me that there is a reason for her timing.