Ambition is not a Dirty Word - Comments Feed

Comment by Debra Condren on "Do Less and Make More"

Debra Condren — 2009-04-14T12:19:56-07:00

Re: "I finally did hire some outside help, because, like a lot of women, I think I can do it all and all it does is add more stress to my already stress-filled life." Thanks for your comment, Chris. And, as my peeps know, you're one of my all-time top resources for outsourcing social media tasks. You've certainly lightened my load, taking over important functions that just didn't fit in my in box--and you do them so much better and faster. And I'm freed up to do meaningful, challenging work that I enjoy rather than trying to wear every one of the ten or so hats the entrepreneur must wear, or delegate.

Comment by Christine Buffaloe on "Do Less and Make More"

Christine Buffaloe — 2009-04-14T12:12:37-07:00

Debra,
This is a fantastic article. I love the way you break it down. I wonder just how many people do the math like that.
I finally did hire some outside help, because, like a lot of women, I think I can do it all and all it does is add more stress to my already stress-filled life.
Thank you so much for bringing this to our attention!

Sincerely,
Christine Buffaloe

Comment by Alisa on "Staying True To Our Dreams Makes Us The Best Parents We Can Be"

Alisa — 2009-02-16T18:03:24-08:00

Debra, great response. I agree with everything you said. My boyfriend and I cannot agree on money vs. living. He believes that making a decent living requires giving up living a good life. I see it differently: who paid for the vacation to see his parents on the other side of the country? Who has been supporting him while he suffers from this economy? Who paid for the bed and breakfast weekend-getaway last year? Not his paycheck. But he chose an industry that he loves, that involves fewer hours, however pays less than mine. Yet - my salary is consistent, and, although I do not love my job, I love that I am able to rely on its security, consistency and salary increases...and stability during difficult economic times.

My next questions to him, and anyone who attacks those of us who have chosen to sacrifice "free time" to build a career, are: Who will pay for private school if we have a child? Better yet, who will pay for the diapers? The copays for the delivery? The babysitter? The dance lessons? Ballet slippers and tap shoes? The school projects requiring construction paper, clay and other art supplies? Who will pay for it all: LOVE of the job?

In exchange for mommy doing what she has to do to make a good salary, we all get to go to museums, and plays, and we get to participate in recitals, and be on soccer teams, and buy costumes for the school play, and go away on school trips. Is mommy a bad mommy because she took a job that required a lot of effort, started her own part-time business, and showed the kids how to manage their time effectively because time is precious? During their "down time", my children won't learn to lay around on the sofa watching commercials in between reruns of anything on tv that doesn't require thought.

I will buy your book, tomorrow, as a matter of fact. I am thankful for having found you since I have felt conflicted for a long time about society-imposed rules on what I must do in order to "have it all" (which was pretty much: pick one or the other, you can't have both). Even balance is not the key. Peace and happiness are the keys. And my definition of success is different from anyone else's. To have my children look at me and be inspired to be all they can be through their careers and in their lives would be a great achievement. As a parent, I will strive to give my children the tools they need to be effective, positive members of this society: tools to help them overcome obstacles, deal with disappointment, to be compassionate, to make sensible decisions, to have integrity, to be self-sufficient, etc.

Comment by vera babayeva on "Staying True To Our Dreams Makes Us The Best Parents We Can Be"

vera babayeva — 2009-01-31T17:31:52-08:00

we can argue about this forever. the fact is we have very different points of view. I see something greater and want that something greater then a life of a cubicle. so if that's what makes you happy, that's fine. just please don't come on try to make us see things through your eyes, we don't want to.

Comment by jim on "Staying True To Our Dreams Makes Us The Best Parents We Can Be"

jim — 2009-01-30T12:46:01-08:00

vera, revolutionary road is one of my favorite novels of all time. if i remember correctly, it doesn't wind up too well for any of them.

i'd also recommend richard yates's short stories. yates does authentic child characterizations better than anyone, and there are many children that populate his short stories. from yates, i'd move on back to john cheever, or go on ahead to michael chabon.

as for your 5 year old, i suggest you let him work out what he wants to do in his own good time, with your guidance and support of course. he may turn out to be a better surfer than a business builder. would that be a disappointment to you?

vera, i would not characterize myself as bitter at all. i prefer to think i'm quite real. about as real as it gets.

i haven't settled for less; i just don't prefer that much more than i already have. frankly, i love the routine of my cubicle life, and find your disdain for it typically romantic.

to me, dreams are what i sometimes have while i'm sleeping, and my inspiration is sometimes filled with carcinogenic smoke, especially on the weekends. in other words, i'm pretty much inspired whenever i'm conscious. the rest is simply work, the practice of living, and the pleasure of my relationships.

Comment by vera babayeva on "Staying True To Our Dreams Makes Us The Best Parents We Can Be"

vera babayeva — 2009-01-30T09:48:28-08:00

Oh my G-d, Jim, you are oh so bitter. Go drink some sweet tea and get some sunshine and sweeten up your day. Just because you settled for the routine, doesn't mean we all have to.
I escaped corporate America, the steady paycheck, because I believe in something greater. Yeah there are countries where people live in poverty, but we are in USA a country with countless opportunities and how can you pass up on that.
There are those that settle for less and there are those that seek greatness. And inspire their children to seek greatness.
I am already telling my five year old son that he will build a company and work for himself. I immigrated to this country from former Soviet Union and my parents brought me here to give me the endless opportunities this country offers, so take advantage and be happy.

Go watch the movie Revolutionary Road, it really points out how one just settles in their comfort zone and never dares to face their fears. To me that's no fun.

And this thing about one child, please, you become a parent once you have a child. I know my parents say the same thing, and certainly it's harder to manage two or three kids then one kid, but it's not fair to say that having one kids does not count.

Comment by jim on "Staying True To Our Dreams Makes Us The Best Parents We Can Be"

jim — 2009-01-29T10:58:15-08:00

debra, thanks for your response, yes, balance is the important thing, and it's going to be different for every family. and there's nothing wrong with "dreams" and "ambition," but let's not overrate them and insult everybody else who could really care less about what you do to make money, or how much money you make, which, to me, is completely superficial and has nothing to do with deep or passionate living.

let's face it, most jobs suck, even the ones we love. most people don't get to thoroughly enjoy what they do for a living. many people, however, do have the imaginative capacity--or have been trained--to create the illusion that what they do for a living is interesting and matters. however, in the world, even more people live in jobless poverty, so having a steady job that pays the bills without killing you is something to be grateful for. that's what i'm telling my children.

as a parent, the only way to inspire children is to be honest and expressive, and to be able to provide them the opportunities to explore their own passions and/or talents. or children can be inspired by the poor, abusive, or indifference you or society may have had for them. your own personal career and ambition has very little to do with inspiring your son. that is an illusion. your son is merely reacting in a positive manner to his biological involvement with his environment.

incidentally, debra, please keep in mind: i think it was bill cosby who said something like... you're not really parenting until you have more than one child--which i do firmly believe--so it's really difficult for me to take any parenting advice from somebody who only has had only one child, despite your wildly successful and proud story.

Comment by Debra Condren on "Finding Fulfillment Between a Rock and a Hard Place"

Debra Condren — 2009-01-18T12:26:26-08:00

Dear Jim: Thank you for your comments. I have responded to your thoughts in my January 18, 2009 post, "Staying True To Our Dreams Makes Us The Best Parents We Can Be". Sincerely, Debra Condren

Comment by jim on "Finding Fulfillment Between a Rock and a Hard Place"

jim — 2009-01-12T10:07:04-08:00

life is not, i repeat, not long. at best you have about 74 years on this planet. your children, however, will not be young forever. if you want them to be around you when you are 74, you may want to invest as much time and energy into their upbringing as necessary to gain and secure their unconditional love for those years when you will need them down the stretch. 10 year olds really don't care about your career, or how much money you make. my wife's mantra, when i was obsessed with my career was this: your children are only young once...

Comment by Jennifer Harrison on "Get Unstuck by Recognizing Your Expertise"

Jennifer Harrison — 2009-01-05T10:30:31-08:00

Debra, what an inspiring post. It sounds like everyone should get in the habit of keeping a folder or scrapbook of their wins as a constant reminder of what value we all bring to the table.

Comment by Party Plan Pat on "Get Unstuck by Recognizing Your Expertise"

Party Plan Pat — 2009-01-04T23:43:44-08:00

What a fabulous post to get one going for the new year! Being one of the lucky people born at the beginning of the year, I wait until my birthday before I start seriously deciding what I want to accomplish. Yikes! I only have one more day.

I quit my job, which I loved dearly, and boy it was a rough year. I didn't realize just how much I leaned on that job to define my worth at the expense of me. Well a year and some few months later I am glad to report that I have found myself, renew, refreshed and rejuvenated and tell you what, My worth will never be defined by forces out-side of me. I am grateful and I am thankful for the journey and experience.

You know what they say, "when you work hard at a job, you make a living, when you work hard on yourself, you make a fortune!" -Jim Rohn

Well all I can say is hello fortune!

Comment by Jim Kukral Business Coaching on "Coaching On Speed"

Jim Kukral Business Coaching — 2008-12-12T22:52:54-08:00

I really like the idea about the sign and especially calling out the "number one!". Very smart. Good stuff.

Comment by Jenna on "Small Business Holiday Marketing on a Shoestring"

Jenna — 2008-11-17T12:08:44-08:00

Hi Debra -

Thanks for the kind words about VerticalResponse.

Jenna Jantsch
VerticalResponse

Comment by d. r. on "Small Business Holiday Marketing on a Shoestring"

d. r. — 2008-11-15T13:39:55-08:00

Thank you very much for this insightful idea. I love coming on line on a Saturday and brousing the web vs. wasting away in front of a college football game. I admire people like you who not only are inventive, however take the time to share it with others. Thank you.

Comment by Heather White on "3 Tips To Boost Small Business Working Capital"

Heather White — 2008-08-05T08:41:19-07:00

Debra,

I love and agree with all your advise. I faced the same challenges when I left a corporate job and started my own business. Building business with client money is definitely the easiest way to get around the need for capital in order to grow. Thanks for the great advise!

Comment by Terry on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Terry — 2008-07-29T10:31:03-07:00

We probably wouldn't be having this debate if fathers were encouraged to take a more active role in raising their children.

I read a news story about a year ago about a Connecticut woman who was being prosecuted for leaving her children alone in a car while she worked. She was lambasted as a rotten mother and an evil person. The press showed her no mercy.

Nobody seemed to care why she left the children in the car. Probably she needed to work to feed them, and she didn't have childcare.

Nobody said a word about the father or why he wasn't caring for his children. Nobody said a single thing about him.

If women are ever going to get ahead in this society, we need to choose better fathers for our children.

Comment by Jude Smiley on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Jude Smiley — 2008-07-25T10:10:10-07:00

Thanks for this article. I think its getting harder and harder for women to figure out what's best for them, with the sheer number of opportunities available. We need to think deeply about what makes us happy and fulfilled.

When my son was born in 2003 I had just sold my company. I spent 8 months being at home with him and really loving it...but soon needed more stimulation.

My husband and I are working on our second baby now and I have a large successful consulting practice going. I plan on taking very little actual maternity leave off and instead going with how I feel.

I dont need to justify or defend my position, only feel 100% confident in what I want to accomplish.

I dont think my son has suffered any, and in fact, now that business is booming, I can take more time off to spend it with him doing quality things.. We both never take for granted our time spent together.

To each her own...remember....free agency

Comment by Debra Condren on "Getting High or Getting By?"

Debra Condren — 2008-07-22T11:37:49-07:00

Thank you for your comments, Victoria. You're so right that one of our key jobs as ambitious/mothers/role models is teaching our children (by living it) that the best way to have a great life is to honor our ambitious dreams every bit as much as we do our other sacrosanct priorities, including our spouses, children, friends, and community. I, too, have those days when I feel that I'm getting everything wrong. Some of that is assuaged when, for example, my son--now 20 years old--says, "I want a career like you, Mom. You work for yourself, have interesting clients, are able to pick and choose who you work with, you get to travel." Or when he asks me details about how I managed to build my business while being a single mom. You can read more about this at my post, "The Day My Son Almost Died" at: http://tinyurl.com/5jjspa. Sincerely and ambitiously, Debra

Comment by Victoria on "Getting High or Getting By?"

Victoria — 2008-07-22T09:34:54-07:00

Thank you for this posting. There are so many days when I feel like an amateur at everything in life, being a mother, a wife and a colleague. Often these are the days that are most unbalanced due to illness, deadlines or exhaustion. When you work with those that have stay at home spouses or round the clock nannies, it is difficult not to apologize even when you are home with the flu. I do find that being out of balance is normal and there are days when one of my kids tells me how much they love me and that brings everything right back into balance. While it is critical to ensure our children know they are loved and supported, I also want to make sure they are independent and can find their own voice and I hope that showering them with examples of how to care and love for your family and your friends and treating your colleagues and strangers with kindness and respect will help them sort their way through this world.

Comment by Bev Hinds on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Bev Hinds — 2008-07-19T23:10:24-07:00

Having children is nothing...bringing them up is everything..and how can you do that if you spend 8 hours at work, 2 hours cooking, 2 hours bathing and dressing, 8 hours sleeping, 1 hour driving etc ...Who is instilling values in your children, listening to their problems, wiping their tears or sharing their joys? It is simply insane to pretend that they are just as well off without the nuturing of a fulltime parent.I gave up an amazing job as a film producer to parent my daughter. I accepted this and the subsequent lack of money, with the only condition to myself being that I would study every subject that interested me during the many hours waiting for her outside school or at ballet etc over the years. My daughter turned out great - and I ended up very educated. She is now doing her Master's degree and I am back at work, content, earning money, and making up for lost time with no regrets.

Comment by Debra Condren on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Debra Condren — 2008-07-17T19:11:24-07:00

"My child and I both did better when we were involved outside the home." Yes, because we break the isolation so many women feel when we're cut off from people who can give fresh feedback, support, advice, humor, joy, and inspiration. Sometimes we need a sounding board. Sometimes we need the simple but powerful adrenaline rush of being in the company of other adults who are passionate about their work. I've seen thousands of women over the years (and I experience this phenomenon myself) who say they had to drag themselves away from their desks or homes to attend a Women's Business Alliance meeting that was on their calendar. Unfailingly, no matter how tired or how busy they are going into the meeting, they always leave feeling fired up--and very glad they made themselves take some time for themselves. Our children can only benefit when we tend to our own needs first versus putting our own needs at the bottom of the priority pile, to be tended to only after every one else's needs have been met (because all too often, our turn never comes).

Comment by Marilyn Mongeon Quill on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Marilyn Mongeon Quill — 2008-07-17T18:23:10-07:00

I felt depressed as a stay-at-home mom, complicated by an abusive husband (ex!). My child and I both did better when we were involved outside the home.

There's no cookie-cutter answer for this debate. However, a mother who is healthy and happy is a far better role-model for her children --whatever the family structure and style may be.

Comment by Debra Condren on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Debra Condren — 2008-07-14T21:21:32-07:00

"A healthy mom physcially, spiritually, and mentally produces the same in her children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter your final decision." Whew! Right on, Sister! Hear, hear. Sincerely, Debra

Comment by Vizulizer on " Working Moms Look Back with Mixed Emotions"

Vizulizer — 2008-07-14T20:02:43-07:00

Balance, Balance, Balance...Wow, what a concept to discover, believe, and DO.
Bottomline: it is a shame that we as women have to argue over whether or
not we should stay at home with our young children; Why do we fret over such things? Could it be the media?Highly likely!!! How many times have you walked past the newsstand and see the 40 something mom on the front of a magazine with flat abs, toned arms, and a toosh in the place it should be and you feel you should look just like her at 40 something. It is the same media that has our young daughters believing they are too fat/thin, too ugly, too busty/not enough, too bootylicious and our sons taking steriods to be better athletes or to have fab abs...Stop believing all of what you read and see and go inwards and find what really matters to you (I mean really find that inner peace) and then you can become the true person that God sent you here to be. If you find it to be a stay-at-home mom, then stay at home and QUIT criticizing those who wish to work and likewise for those who wish to work.
I am neither for nor against staying at home or working, I just know what is best for my own sanity.
On the other hand, go outside of yourself for a moment and consider if you had to be a single parent by choice due to an affair, death of your spouse,or loss your inheritance, it appears this argument would be moot as you would have no choice but to work. After all, you never know if such a traumatic circumstance will be encountered and if you've have not found your internal peace you'll struggle with your identity until you go to your grave. Do you really want to leave this earth with such a guilt laden mind either way staying at home or limited time with your children?
I've found that young children are resilient and as long as the quality time is given to them, albeit the last 2 hours of the day they will grow-up just fine and will be quite proud of their working or staying at home Mommy...
We really need to collectively start supporting one another on whatever decision we women have to make and "dawg on it" get the men involved, by all means necessary (if there is a spouse). You don't see the men arguing over this but where the next game of golf will take place or who will host the next poker game. If only?????!!!! Hell, they probably just consider us the da*n babysitter and they go on their happy ways to play their games. But guess what, we could be happier and carry less guilt, if we just listen to the Dr. and B-A-L-A-N-C-E! OH and make our spouses the babysitter every once in a while. A healthy mom physcially, spiritually, and mentally produces the same in her children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter your final decision.

Comment by Debra Condren on "Is It Honorable For Women To Give Up Their Ambition? Part II: Let's Get Real"

Debra Condren — 2008-06-30T14:21:57-07:00

Greetings again HowdyPartner:

A "more thoughtful response" is possible in 300 pages than is posible in 300 words; ergo my recommendation to read "Honorable Ambiton?" /Chapter 3 in my book, "Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word". I took 7 years to research and write it, so take the opportunity to read it and/or to pass on to your wife and daughters.

You wrote: "Now, I don't intend to buy your book so I will never know how things really turned out." I hope you'll reconsider!

You wrote: "Life often forces us into hard choices, and we don't always make the right decisions. But every decision, whether it turns out for better or for worse, is an opportunity for improvement if we are open to learning."

Exactly. However, women have myriad societal pressures that bias our "informed choices"; this is why women telling each other our truths and learning from each other's shared, common blind spots can inform and prevent us from selling ourselves short--now, and in the future.