Ambridge Wellbeing and Wellness Clinic

Lynda has plans

2013-09-19T07:14:00.001-07:00

Now that The Great Raymondo has finally been rumbled and scuttled off with his moustache between his legs, there is little time for Lynda to make her mark on Grey Gables before Oliver's Barmy and Caroline-on-the-Bone return from holiday. Hopefully Caroline will have been on the piazza long enough to be oblivious to what might await her. Oliver will be too embarrassed to mention anything as the whole sorry affair was down to his disastrous idea for relief cover.

Lynda's first mission is to rescue Mexican Night. Her inspired plan to cast Freda Fry as her namesake in her own dramatisation of The Diary of Frida Kahlo bodes well, although it brings back memories of her disastrous production of The Diary of Anne Frank all those years ago in Sunningdale. ("She's in the attic!" shouted the audience half way through act one on the best-forgotten first night.)

This also enables Lynda to replace Ray's misguided 'Best Moustache' competition with the more high brow (literally) 'Best Frida Kahlo Eye Brow' competition. Those who have already invested in false moustaches will be relieved as they will be able to double for this purpose. Apparently Kathy has already planned not to shave especially for the occasion.

Mexican Waves have been earmarked for the swimming pool and for Ian's hair. As a treat Peggy will be wearing her Pomegranate Syrup, its first official outing since Fag-Ash Lil brought it back from her travels.

As a tribute to Mexico's position as second only to China in the production of horsemeat, Ian has bought in a bulk supply of Tesco Lasagne for the event.

Lynda has been very happy to be nicknamed Lascurain (after Pedro Lascurain, President of Mexico exactly one hundred years ago). She'll be very happy until she realises that dear Pedro was only President for 26 minutes.

She has also somehow managed to persuade the long-suffering Robert to dress as Manuel from Fawlty Towers, in honour of the hurricane of that name that is heading for Mexico at this very minute.

Double or Quit

2013-03-02T05:36:00.000-08:00

As the cull of non-speaking characters continues, the latest cost cutting directive has arrived in Borsetshire. Characters must double with those in other BBC productions - or face being written out themselves.

Early proposals include the following:

Bow-tie wielding Jim has been lined up to replace Tim Wonnacott on BBC1's Bargain Hunt. In a master stroke of cross plotting, Lilian and Paul's affair is uncovered when they appear as the Blue Team at an antiques fair in the Peak District. You wait till you see their Bargain Buy.

In a remake of Keeping Up Appearances Lynda reprises the role of Hyacinth and Robert plays her hapless husband. All goes well until Lynda seeks Kenton's assistance in cleaning the chandeliers at Ambridge Hall, as.....

Lovable rogue Kenton takes on the iconic role of Del Boy in Only Fools and Horses. Dopey brother David is cast as apparently useless (but inwardly wise: Oh Yes!) Rodney.

King of the Cravats Brian Aldridge has replaced Henry Blofeld on Test Match Special. In between bus-spotting and cake-eating, Brian shoots one pigeon too many and faces charges of sexual harassment courtesy of a misplaced "My dear old thing".

Antiques Roadshow has a new presenter in the shape of Elizabeth who has replaced Fiona Bruce. Elizabeth is, however, already on a verbal warning, since it was discovered that every item in the most recent edition came from the corridors of Lower Loxley.

There are other plans afoot, including Jazzer's trial stint on the Today programme and Rhys's efforts on BBC News as replacements for James Naughtie and Huw Edwards respectively. Watch this space, or submit your own suggestions below, or via Twitter to @TonysConsultant.

Ambridge does the movies

2013-02-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

Following the mixed but very vocal reaction to The Archers does Brief Encounter we have a sneak preview of the next films in the scriptwriters sights.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
After another trip to South Africa, Phoebe returns with a new beau in tow. But the beau - John, a doctor - is coming to work in Birmingham where he takes up residence. Phoebe tells her parents about him and a dinner party is set for a weekend when Doctor John's parents are visiting. What Phoebe omits to tell Roy of the Racists and Mother Hayley is that Dr John is in fact African and darker skinned than Racist Roy might have hoped. Uncomfortable scenes follow, complicated by the fact that Amy is supplementing her NHS income by housekeeping for the Tuckers. Thankfully Roy of the Racists comes round, greatly helped by the calming presence of Father Alan. Oscars all round.

My Fair Lady
The Professor (Jim) has a bet with The Kernel (Christine - this is her nickname in the crossword community because of her computer like brain) that he can pass Jazzer off at the Lower Loxley Ball as a country gent of the highest breeding. Or a breeding country gent. Or something like that.

East of Eden
Feuding brothers William and Ed fight for the affections of the same girl and the respect of their father, who has told them their mother is dead. Their greatest distress is caused when they discover that far from being dead, their mother is holed up in the Ladies at The Bull.

Claudia Winkleman will be hosting a special evening in The Bull upstairs next month when other treatments will be discussed.

Ambridge's silent fall silent

2013-02-18T03:18:00.000-08:00

With the loss of Bob, Bunty and Wolfgang (what a great combo they were in the '60s), the BBC's cost-cutting purge of the silent characters in The Archers has gained momentum. Here's a sneak preview of some of the story lines from the next few weeks:

Health and Safety scare rocks Tom (or as The Echo [Echo] reported it: "Rock on Tommy"
Maurice has a nasty accident with Tom's sausage paraphernalia. As he fell into the mixer and was churned into sausage meat, his last words were: ". ........ , ......... !".

Freda Fry's Freak Frying Fright
Peace at The Bull is shattered when Freda has a freak accident with Jolene's deep fried baps.

"My world fell silent on that silent night,
When my silent Freda had such a fright"

said Bert Fry as he dismounted his Massey.

Instability at The Stables
Alice's mount has gone missing overnight without a trace. There is little to go on, especially for Alice, but suspicions were aroused when Tom launched an innovative line for Gourmet Grills: Burgers with a hint of Spearmint.

Hitchcock comes to Ambridge
In a scene reminiscent of Hitchcock's The Birds Hilary Noakes was last seen at the mercy of a Cockatoo. Friends and family were relieved to report that she died with a smile on her face as she did so enjoy having a cockatoo to herself.

Sabrina Thwaite passes out on the job
That brick of the community Sabrina Thwaite passed on as she would have wanted, on the job in the village shop. She actually collapsed while serving Brian Aldridge. "It was a shock when she fell to her knees in front of me," said Brian, "but it is how I will remember her."

There will be a collective two-minutes raucous noise to remember these silent characters every Sunday at 11.15am. May they Rest in Noise.

Casting Call for "Carry on up the Mega Dairy"

2013-02-03T04:20:00.001-08:00

While the Screenwriters are in Pre-Production Purdah, the Casting Directors are busy finding the right actors for the comedy film project of the year: Carry on up the Mega Dairy.

First twenty pencilled in to date are:

Rob "Titchynob" Titchener - Charles Hawtry
Brian Aldridge - James Robertson-Justice
Jennifer Aldridge - Fenella Fielding
Lynda Snell - Kenneth Williams
Lilian Bellamy - Barbara Windsor
Matt Crawford - Sidney James
Paul Crawford - Calamity James
Jazzer McCreery - Janette Tough [stick with it - Ed]
Tom Archer - Theo Paphitis
Ruth Archer - Jimmy Nail
David Archer - Jim Dale
Pip Archer - Violet Elizabeth Bott
Ed Grundy - Ed Miliband
William Grundy - David Miliband
Adam Macey - Henry Blofeld
Ian - Richard Corrigan
Neil Carter - Joe Corrigan
Susan Carter - Violet Carson
Vicky MotherTucker - Amy Turtle
Mike Tucker - Cyclops

More casting and pre-production gossip to follow but as ever please leave suggestions below or post directly to @TonysConsultant.

Ten Top Tips: All Titchynob needs to know to end those annoying conversations

2013-01-29T02:06:00.000-08:00

Every time Titchynob meets a new Ambridgian (which always seems to be as he enters or leaves the shop - trading figures will be good this month) he embarks upon a "aren't you *********? And aren't you related to *********?" [fill in your own blanks] conversation.

This could go on for years. I therefore offer the ten facts that anyone needs to know about Ambridge Folk in the hope that such conversations will be rendered unnecessary.

So, Titchynob, read and learn. Read and learn:

David Archer Murderer. Lured benign, beautiful, beatified Nigel to his death with some spurious tale of banner removal.

Tom Archer Single-minded (or his that single-cell-minded?) small-time businessman with ideas above his station. Idolises cousin David - hence his own (failed) attempt to murder his own father.

ChrisTHORpher and Alice Carter Restless young ones with itchy feet and itchy other things under those leather aprons. Keen for a family but yet to beat the curse of the venison casserole.

David Archer Murderer. Wanted by all Badger conservationists for crimes against the stripy ones.

The Baster of Ambridge Has already fathered Henry Ian Archer and is available for further stud duties. If venison casserole remains on the menu for much longer, may be called upon by the Carters (see above).

Roof Archer Not to be confused with 'Lower Loxley Roof' (which Murderer David Archer may have done in the fallout from Samthegrassexpertgate).

Ed and William Grundy The Brothers Grim of Ambridge. Never got the hang of sharing as children.

David Archer Murderer. Default position. Think of this as a "Get out of Jail Free" card and present it on relevant occasions.

Matt and Paul Crawford Brothers in Arms (Lilian's arms). Unwittingly much better at sharing than Ed and William Grundy (see above).

Elizabeth Archer The Merry Widow. Showing signs of embarking on another Iffy relationship. Note to Iffy: she prefers men who sell ice creams, dress in gorilla suits and build follies. Whatever you do, don't go near the roooooooooo.............

Armed with these ten facts Titchynob ought to be able to get along so can we please get back to the stories and those unanswered questions such as: Where is Ian? Why didn't it snow in Borsetshire? Have Tom Archer Gourmet Burgers been tested for traces of Topper? And What really went on in Liverpool?

Ambridge Film Club

2013-01-12T01:13:00.001-08:00

It's a little known fact that when the microphones fall silent on a Saturday, the good folk of Ambridge take the opportunity to gather in the Village Hall for one of the great social events of the week: Ambridge Film Club.

Here's the Club's self-selected top ten:

Ambridge Chainsaw Massacre
Kathy sends Jamie off to work without sandwiches. He gets a little cross.

Fiddler on the Roof
Lizzie invites Iffy to a twilight rendezvous. Quite who does the fiddling is only revealed in the final reel.

Bring me the Veg of Alfredo Garcia
Pat packs the veg boxes.

There's a Girl in My Soup
An extended dream sequence featuring Tony Archer.

The not-so-merry Widow
Tragic sequel to Fiddler on the Roof

Les Miserables
Lunch at Bridge Farm.

A.I.
The Life and Times of a young Archer. Sometimes known as A Baste of Henry.

Oh! What a Lovely Door
Handy D.I.Y. tips from Robert Snell.

Meet the Tuckers
An amusing tale of uncomfortable social misunderstandings, ballroom dancing and confectionery based double-entendre.

Saving Brian's Privates
Another close shave (in more ways than one) for the cravat-wielding megalomaniac.

Next week: Ambridge's Top Ten TV programmes. Suggestions for these, or other favourite films, can be posted below or directly to @TonysConsultant.

Ambridge Thank You letters hit the doormat

2013-01-11T05:09:00.001-08:00

[Thought for the day: Has Ambridge ever had a Postman?]

As the Festivities become a distant memory, the good folk of Ambridge - good mannered bunch as they are - have finally got round to writing their Thank You letters. Here is a selection:

"Dearest Tiger

Thank you soooo much for the beauuuuutiful dress you bought me for Christmas. You have no idea what thoughts go through my mind every time I look at it, every time I put it on and - especially - every time I take it off.

No idea at all.

All my love,

Pusscat xxx"

"Dearest Pusscat

Thanks my love. Can't remember what you gave me but I'm sure it was smashing. Lunch in The Bull?

Your loving and attentive Tiger.

Grrrrrrrrr xxx"

An Open Letter to The Echo (Echo)

"Dear Sir

I crave your indulgence to use your organ to try to communicate with whomsoever bought me my Secret Santa gift.

A voucher for "A New Year's Knight on the Tiles" at Grey Gables is neither big nor clever. Unless it's from Iffy, of course, in which case I accept with gratitude.

Yours in despair,

The not-so-merry Widow, Lower Loxley"

"My dear Henry

I realise it will be many years before you can read this letter, but we will save it in your Memory Box for the future.

I want to thank you for being a wonderful - if surprisingly quiet - son. And I want to share with you this latest photograph of your father:

Your ever loving, if ever-so-slightly irritating,

Mother (let's be trendy - call me Helen) xxxx"

"By email:

To: daniel@westendmusicals.co.uk

From: alastair@bigbutchvets.com

Subject: Your Christmas Gift

Son - we need to talk.

Your mother and I have tried very hard to indulge your interests. You must appreciate that the very fact that your mother drives you to Birmingham every week for your tap lessons is a sacrifice. I am also not sure how long we can carry on expecting Grandpa Jim to believe that these are part of a grand plan for you to go into plumbing.

But you must not expect everyone else in the family to share your interests. Judy Garland's Greatest Hits is, I am sure, a wonderful piece of work, but Uncle David is not amused by it. Fiddler on the Roof may seem an amusing gift for Auntie Elizabeth, but at the last count she has yet to see the funny side.

Man up, Boy!"

No doubt there are other Thank You letters in the ether. Please post them here, or send them direct to @TonysConsultant.

That Lower Loxley Report in Full

2012-12-19T00:12:00.000-08:00

Earlier in the year, Elizabeth commissioned Duncan (from the Felpersham Institute of Stating the Bleedin' Obvious) to write a report on the future of her beloved Lower Loxley. Various elements of the Report have been discussed, some have been leaked, but the five major findings have never been published. Here, in a scoop that would not be possible after the findings of Leveson have been properly implemented, we preview those findings in advance of an expose in The Echo:

1. Staffing
A Lady of the Manor is only as good as her staff. Since Nigel's death, have you been properly staffed? You will only see things clearly and be able to moved forward with good staffing.

2. Play to your strengths
Look around you. There are many resources directly to hand which are currently under exploited. Why, for example, are you spending money on chimney sweeps when Freddie and Lily have time on their hands? Why throw good money after bad on Iffy providing tuition when Freddie could be gainfully employed up a chimney?

3. Know your enemy
Understand and confront the enemy. Lull it into a false sense of security. Engage with it. Persuade it you are seeking its advice and wisdom. Then, for the coup de grace, invite it to deliver the final overview by observing the estate from a suitable vantage point: the roof! Christmas lunch should entice it in. You know you want to.

4. Market Research
Know your market. From The Orangery to the allotments, understand what it is that your public needs and meet those needs. Is there enough Fig Roll in the Orangery? Have you considered Codpiece and Chips as a Turkey alternative (or as a Turkey, as brother Kenton is about to discover)? And does the layout of the Estate reflect the public's tastes and desires? Which leads on to the most important finding:

5. The Nigel Pargetter Memorial Roof Garden
Much of the above can be combined in one action: the creation of the Nigel Pargetter Memorial Roof Garden. Just think what Machiavellian fun you could have with a formal opening ceremony....in the dark...on the ice.....on New Year's Day.....Make Nigel and the children proud!

Please suggest other findings below or via Twitter to @TonysConsultant. You know it makes sense.

Ambridge Meddles

2012-08-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a momentous fortnight and you could be forgiven for thinking that Olympic glory had passed Ambridge by. But fear not. As the Royal Mail Post Box painters disappear across the green, it's time to report on the highs and lows, the laughter and the tears, of Team Ambridge.

Equestrianism
Hopes were high for Reg, riding Bunty in the three-day-eventing. All went well until the show jumping finale when, with a medal in sight, Bunty fell. Joyce, ridden by Arthur, suffered a similar fate but there is an enquiry into allegations that his saddle had been interfered with by Matt Crawford. (There's been a fair deal of saddle interference recently but we'll draw a veil over that for now.) Sadly they both lost out on a podium finish and now the race is on for the last hip in the village.

Gymnastics
A surprise late entrant in the Gymnastics (Rhythm Method) was Lynda who finished her routine with a flourishing Fig Roll. Vicky was a late withdrawal from the team. Sadly, Mike didn't withdraw in time.

Biathlon
With the mixed messages that Harry has been sending (chasing women to Eastern Europe, accessing his student Grant in Cumbria) no one will be too surprised to learn that his confusion has led him to train for the wrong Olympics. But hopes are high that he will meddle well in the Biathlon in two years' time.

Swimming
Hot Tub Relay has featured high in Team Ambridge's expectations. Team selection for this specialist event was always an issue, with a case even being made for the inclusion of Brian Aldridge, although he was never comfortable with the idea. Adam, Ian and Harry were all contenders with Pawal making an impressive late surge but the unsettled team never fulfilled its promise. Despite extensive baton changing practice, they never came good.

Pole Vault
The greatest success for Team Ambridge was, of course, Adam's Pole Vault. Described by all observers as the "surprise package of the games", Adam thrilled everyone with his technique on the runway, in the air, over the bar and onto the cushion. The Pole took the strain remarkably well.

Adam's Gold was the highlight for Team Ambridge and the Golden Box is a wonderfully appropriate permanent tribute to Adam's meddling.

There will be more news from the Games later in the week but if you have seen achievements from Team Ambridge which deserve recognition please list them below or report them direct to @TonysConsultant.

Ambridge Even Less

2012-07-17T02:58:00.001-07:00

In the aftermath of The Fire here are ten more bits of trivial news that would otherwise go unnoticed:

To everyone's relief, the "Welcome Home Phoebe" banner which Josh had prepared was destroyed in the fire. David's offer to help Roy to hang it at Lower Loxley had sent Roy into hiding.

Mickey Mouse wears a Brian Aldridge watch.

Josh and Gina are now an item, and have applied for joint custody of the calf.

Alan Franks' curry was such a success that he is opening Ambridge's first curry house. It is to be called Frankly My Dear (I don't give a Naan). Alan was briefly taken into custody by the 2012 Brand Police for his use of the slogan: This will test your Olympic Ring.

John Terry wears a Roy Tucker shirt.

Once again Jolene has scuppered Kenton's plans to spend an extended time down under.

Rio 2016's Olympic Organising Committee have invited Lynda to join their number. The Brazilians are naturally impressed with her anti-litter activities and her bush trimming campaign and her expenses will be covered by an over-60s phone-in on Raunchy Radio Rio.

Jill came to Elona's rescue in the great damp bread disaster, providing her with one of the six spare loaves she had baked, just in case. The moral of this story is: don't leave recently baked produce out in the rain.

One of the Ambridge in Bloom hanging baskets fell on Adam's head. It has reversed previous damage, and Adam thinks he could identify his assailants from a line-up. The police have obliged, and Adam will select between Keith Richards, Keith Horrobin, Keith Chegwin, Keith Joseph, Keith Harris, Orvill and a Badger.

Eddie has been banned from selling his hybrid Borsetshire Beast ornaments. 2012 lawyers say they are too reminiscent of Fatima Whitbread.

Please add any other scintillating but otherwise unnoticed facts below or report them directly to @TonysConsultant.

The Great Fire of Brookfield

2012-07-14T04:07:00.000-07:00

The Great Fire of Brookfield has aroused great suspicion this week, with the Horrobins the obvious target of much finger pointing. Assumptions have been made about the motivation for the setting of the fire. We are all being drawn into the shared conviction that the fire is connected to the attack on Adam, and David's "will he/won't he testify" dilemma.

But these and other aspects of the Fire are nothing more than red herrings - or red kippers as they should properly be called after they were smoked in the embers of Brookfield. This was not intimidation. The real perpetrators are very happy that the focus is being drawn away from them but the truth needs to be uncovered. In true Ambridge CSI style, let's examine the facts.

Firstly, history does repeat itself. Consider the similarities with the Great Fire of London. Despite the magnitude of the fire, there were only six fatalities: a badger, two squirrels, a bat, a partridge left in a Christmas decoration stored in a corner of the barn and David's patience.

Secondly, there were echoes of Samuel Pepys as Jennifer was seen digging a hole in the grounds of Home Farm in which to hide her cheese.

And thirdly, Lynda's hay fever and various other ailments are rumoured to have been cured in the wake of the fire.

Much of this - in relation to both the Brookfield and the London fires - is of course apocryphal but take the comparisons a little further. Who gained most from The Great Fire of London? Christopher Wren and the developers of course, who had the opportunity to rebuild the City of London. It is rumoured that there were two developers in particular who made thousands of groats out of the contracts that were on offer: Sir Matteus Crawford (descended from a refugee-made-good from the Armada) and Admiral-of-the-Fleet Lord Bryn Aldridge, King Charles's Keeper of the Tassels (son of a Welsh farmer who found good fortune at court, particularly after successful land acquisitions in rural Hungary).

Sir Matteus and Lord Bryn enjoyed a chequered relationship. Conspiracy theorists attest that they came together in a plan to destroy the City of London and then profit from its reconstruction. The whole scheme was put into motion when Lord Bryn's long suffering wife, the fair Lady Jen, intentionally left a casserole on a hearth in their city apartments in Pudding Lane. The rest, as they say, is history.

Nearly four centuries later it can be no coincidence that Mattheus and Bryn's descendants are in desperate need of land for development in Ambridge - and that a serious fire hits the village.

So perhaps we should be a little less swift to blame the Horrobins, and look a little closer to home. Or, indeed, to Home Farm.

Ambridge Less

2012-07-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

With the return of Ambridge Extra bringing us all those exciting "added bits" that we have all been simply dying to be acquainted with, it must also be time for a session or two of Ambridge Less. This is where we hear all the bits and pieces that are too trivial to make it into the regular wireless transmission from Ambridge. Yes, as regular listeners, you may be surprised to learn that there are things even less interesting than that which you hear on a regular basis. So, while Brookfield burns, elsewhere.....

Tom has a verruca
Nothing much has been heard from Tom recently. This is because Brenda has confined the Polytunnel King to isolation since the discovery of a rather nasty verruca. On a testicle.

Kathy has nothing to moan about
Kathy is happy. Up at the Golf Club she has discovered that life can be good, and that even when you are in a bunker the green is only one shot away. Her new found chirpiness is just too much for most people to handle.

Tony sits in his chair
Tony sits in his chair all day long. He has soup delivered by Pat on the hour, every hour. He says he feels fine. "Super" in fact.

Matt has a small one
In The Bull, Matt confounded everyone by ordering a single scotch. Lilian mocks the fact that he has a small one.

Jill bakes a cake
Although of course this really means that Jill bakes seven cakes. Always have six spare.

Jazzer has a night in
Jazzer has a quiet night in with a book, a cup of cocoa and his Graham Norton hot water bottle.

Gay Gordon's Yorkshires Drop
Ian's sous chef at Grey Gables has had a disaster.

Ruairi staples Brian's tassels
Impish Ruairi staples Brian's tassels together - Jennifer is very amused.

Chris soils his apron
It's not what you think. He spills casserole.

Henry crawled
Don't worry if you missed this. Helen sold the rights to Turkey Baster Weekly.

These are just the top ten of the dullest moments in Ambridge that didn't make it into the transmission of the documentary. Please list below any other examples you are aware of, or send them direct to @TonysConsultant.

The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain II

2012-07-04T08:02:00.001-07:00

The good people of Ambridge have responded valiantly to the call to arms to deal with The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain. Circumstances have helped. Sending Ben and Josh to the North East disguised as a giant Edam was inspired. Cheese specials at both The Bull and Jaxx have kept the cheese moving. And even Bartleby has done his bit, thanks to Joe's very clever move of sprinkling cheese cubes with sugar.

Even the community shop is doing its bit. It was Christine who had the inspiration to stock the shelves with DVD titles that will keep cheese at the top of everyone's agenda. These include:

Brie on the River Kwai
Edam in Dagenham
Cheese Straw Dogs
Whatever Happened to Babybel?
Saving Private Rind
The Grater Escape
Return of the Cheddar
A Brie Too Far
East of Edam
The Mousetrap

and the whole of the Edammer Horror series.

But there are some problems that come with these developments. Sadly over-indulgence has led to some residents having nightmares. Some have reported them to me in total confidence and therefore, as you would expect, I share some of them with you here:

Alastair's worst nightmare was that someone paid the ransom and Shula was returned to him, like a galleon in full sail. I was able to reassure him that this was utterly ridiculous and even he hadn't done enough to deserve that.

Amy dreamed that Qarl was married, had children, was beastly to her and dumped her. I've recommended therapy. And offered to personally pay for a one-way ticket to a destination of her choice.

Lynda, worryingly, reported a dream that she had seen William Grundy naked. This is a matter of some concern. Whilst we all know that this indeed did happen, Lynda must never know its veracity. She is a frail and vulnerable woman and she would not survive this. Can Twitter keep a secret?

Christine's dream was that Jim only wanted her for her scones. My advice was that she should spice up her scones, and add a bit of spice to anything else that might win him over.

David dreamed that he was awoken by a giant badger which spoke in a Geordie accent. I think we all know what's going on there.

Daniel was tossing and turning most nights but never gets to sleep, so he still lives in his daydreams of West End and Broadway musical successes.

Please report any other cheese related news below or direct to @TonysConsultant.

Fifty Shades of Grey Gables by Caroline Sterling

2012-07-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

Fifty Shades of Grey Gables
or
The Girl Who Likes To Say "Yah"

When Oliver Sterling married Caroline he knew he was taking on a woman with a past. Caroline has settled down now but she has enjoyed a very full life which she has chronicled in her candid memoir.

Here we publish an excerpt as it appears in an exclusive serialisation in The Echo [*Echo*].

"Chapter Seven
Home Farm Home Truths

As a descendant of the Netherbonkers I have a healthy libido and need a strong man to satisfy my needs. While I was waiting for one, I had a torrid affair with Brian Aldridge.

I always worried that Brian was only interested in my heritage. In whispered tones he would often ask me about my Netherregions. We had to find our pleasure where we could, forever seeking private places to hide. We had to try to avoid Jennifer so Brian was always trying to take me round the back.

I had to endure Brian's rather odd dress sense. He often got his tassels caught and many's the time I had to unravel his cravat.

For Brian business always came first. Well actually, if the truth be told, Brian always came first, but that's another story.

Brian is a kind man. Sorry.....Brian is a kinda man. When you've led the life I have you are used to a man with stamina and staying power. Brian always seemed exhausted by the time we met, and I realised why whenever I saw Jennifer with a smile on her face and a venison casserole in her hands.

Lambing time was always difficult. He promised me the sheep meant nothing to him but I saw him doing things with those animals he would never do with me."

In deference to our younger readers we draw a close to this excerpt here. If, however, you wish to comment upon this then please write to the editor of The Echo, add comments below, or write in complete confidence to @TonysConsultant.

The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain

2012-07-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

This week listeners have been disturbed to learn the true extent of the Ambridge Cheese Mountain. As Guardian of the Cheese (an ancient title bestowed upon the wife of the biggest landowner and the wildest philanderer, therefore clearly Jennifer Aldridge by a country mile) Jennifer has been keen to begin the process of......well, processing the cheese.

As a cook of some note, the author of a number of recipe books and the custodian of the village website, Jennifer is well placed to suggest ways of shifting the cheese. Here are her top ten suggestions:

Cheese Rolling Competition
Kenton will be encouraged to include a Cheese Rolling Competition in his "Olympic Games". As one of the cheesiest in the community, this should not be a problem.

Cheese'n'Badger Burgers
"Where there's muck there's brass and where there's cheese there's dosh" is one of Brenda's more clumsy marketing slogans for Gourmet Burgers. Utilising cousin David's freezer full of some "other offences to be taken into consideration" and Auntie Jennifer's cheese, Tom has come up with a new delicacy.

Peacock Cocktail Surprise: Bloody Peacock
Having finally lost patience with Eccles, Jolene has come up with a new cocktail. Vodka based, it is given body by Peacock's blood and topped off with cheese and pineapple on a stick. It'll catch on, but onto what or whom nobody can be sure.

Easter Island Cheese Statues
As the bottom has fallen out of Eddie's gnome market, he has busied himself carving Easter Island-inspired statues out of cheese. Fine all the while he can keep his ferrets from eating his handiwork.

Cheese Fondue for every conceivable occasion
Home Farm is low on venison, the game isn't as well hung as Brian had promised (story of his life) but there is cheese in abundance. Jennifer has therefore taken to preparing Cheese Fondue and arriving at ChrisTHORpher and Alice's at the most inopportune moments.

My Big Fat Horrobin Wedding Catering
The social event of the year is striving to be posh - like Will and Emma's (nothing like aspiration, is there - and this is nothing like aspiration) and Jennifer has offered an unlimited supply of cheese for the event. There will be cheese omelette, tuna cheese bake and cheese cake. Cheese and biscuits are optional.

Cheese and Wine for the Book Club
Usha will announce her full return to the social scene with a meeting of the Book Club. They will discuss Caroline Sterling's raunchy memoir, Fifty Shades of Grey Gables accompanied by cheese and wine (and indeed whine if Amy is at home that evening.)

Beast Bait
While the search continues for the Beast of Borsetshire and William and Nic continue their nocturnal activities, time can be saved by the young lovers wearing cheese based clothing as bait for the beast. Cheese cloth shirts, of course.

Cheese Ice Cream
Pat can do her sister-in-law a favour by creating a cheese ice cream, which Clarriecoli can produce. That'll help keep the numbers down.

Cheese Surprise
Everyone can play their part by helping with Cheese Surprise - purely and simply using cheese in the most surprising circumstances. Cheese Soup for Tony; Cheese communion wafers at St Stephens; Cheese......you get the picture.

This is a huge task for the good people of Ambridge, so if you have other suggestions please list them below or communicate them directly to @TonysConsultant.

Say "CHEESE"!

The Young Archers Evacuate Themselves

2012-06-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

The sight of the Archerettes in their brown raincoats being evacuated to the North East last week, name tags and gas masks tied round their necks, has evoked many memories and emotions in Ambridge.

The Bar chat in Jaxx has been full of it. Kenton recalls the stories about his old friend Nelson Gabriel. Nelson was a very private man. Rumours abounded that during his time in National Service he had been a Rear Gunner of some repute, rumours that Nelson never confirmed or denied.

Kenton himself has many stories to recount from his days on the high seas. He has the air of a disenchanted discharged seaman, forever unfulfilled.

Jamie envies Daniel's involvement in the School Cadet Force. For Daniel this represents an opportunity for esprit de corps and the joys of the great outdoors. He always has a spring in his step and a glint in his eye when he comes home from camping. Jamie feels denied the opportunity to wield his chainsaw and set fire to things.

Elizabeth has had to put her foot down and thwart Freddie's ambitions. As a precursor to a military career he has proposed a sponsored parachute jump in the grounds of Lower Loxley, which would be a little too close to home for Lizzie, in more ways than one. The jury is still out on Lily's chosen career of thatcher.

Ironically it is Lynda who has the greatest military air of everyone in Ambridge. The planning she brings to all her activities - from pantomime to bush trimming, fete planning to llama rearing - is reminiscent of the greatest military campaigns. For older residents she has an air of Ralph Reader about her. Robert just sees Sybil Fawlty.

The Village Hall, of course, played host to Ambridge Home Guard during the war. Rendered unfit for service by his farmer's lung, Joe Grundy was very much the Fraser of the platoon, although his black market activities (so generously passed on to his son) were reminiscent of Walker. A young Graham Rider bore more than a passing resemblance to Pike. Being continually told to be quiet by his seniors has had an effect well into later life. Walter Gabriel, first-aid kit in hand, reminded people of Godfrey. And the platoon was of course commanded by the great Jack Wooley, to whom Arthur Lowe paid tribute for the inspiration for his characterisation of Mainwaring.

We will wait to hear news of the evacuees but if you hear other military or wartime memories, do post them below or relay them by morse, semaphore or twitter to @TonysConsultant.

All of a Lather

2012-06-25T02:36:00.001-07:00

It is on the record that the Button family were dispatched to Ambridge from Walford on a witness protection scheme. What can only be revealed now is that the Archer children of Brookfield Farm are about to make that journey in reverse. Only now that the Soap Transfer Window is officially open for the summer can such details be made public - and we are reminded of some significant Soap transfers and audacious loan deals of recent years.

Records show that Ken Barlow only went to Coronation Street on loan in December 1960. A promising member of the Ambridge Youth Team, it was decided that Ken needed more first team experience and his loan spell was negotiated with the fledgling Weatherfield set-up. Ken made a number of appearances which enabled the Ambridge management to realise that far from being the inspirational playmaker they had hoped for, Barlow was in fact a rather pedestrian player lacking in imagination or originality. This, and his much publicised off-field activities, persuaded Ambridge to accept Barlow's transfer request and the move was made permanent in early 1961.

Transfers between Walford and Ambridge are common, but one of the latest is amongst the most complicated. Walford's benign GP, Dr Anthony Trueman, had such a traumatic experience with the Slater sisters (a complicated enough relationship where sisters were mother and daughter - wait for the copycat revelation that Pip is Josh and Ben's mother) that his subsequent behaviour caused him to be struck off by the BMA. The controversy required a complete new identity and so it was that flamboyant striker Anthony Trueman became central defender Carl, a deceptive player who lures the opposition into a false sense of security and then scythes their legs from beneath them with vicious late tackles. Known to his team mates as Chopper Carl he has a love-hate relationship with the terraces.

Not all transfers have ended happily. Elizabeth and Nigel Pargetter were both keen for more first team exposure and were prepared to drop a division to Crossroads to facilitate that. But both found the poorer quality of the game at that level frustrating and were prepared to return to the Ambridge squad and live with the management's rotation system. Pargetter was satisfied with being used as an impact player from the bench but a clash in training with veteran midfielder David Archer led to a tragic conclusion to his career. It was following this incident that David Archer became known as the Joey Barton of Ambridge.

We will keep a close eye on transfer speculation throughout the summer and report it here. If you hear any rumours please list them below or post them direct to @TonysConsultant.

Ambridge Twitter Alert

2012-06-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Echo (*Echo*) may have led this week on Farmageddon (including, to the outrage of The W.I., Page Three Bullocks) but hidden away between the obituaries and the results of the kennel club trials (shout Bingo! if you appear in both) there is another piece on hacked twitter accounts. Here are the highlights:

@GodImWonderful [Tom Archer] Hope Dad likes the Father's Day present I gave him. Hope the lead is long enough to reach from his *big chair* to the power point.

@LetThemEatCake [Brian Aldridge] I do hope my dear Step Son doesn't over do it. Can't have anyone knowing I'm too much of a cheapskate to pay insurance premiums.

@CarlThePantomimeCadNo1Account [Carl aka Qarl] Must plan holiday for dear Rochelle and the family. Might buy a bunny for the kids.

@BlameyAmy [Amy Franks] Visited Carl at his office today. Couple of things to iron out, but looks like we're getting back together.

@MonaLot [Ruth Archer] Ooooooh No! I've warned Deeeeevyd before but does he listen? He's let his bullocks slip out again.

@CarlThePantomimeCadNo2Account [Carl aka Qarl] Damn that stupid child Amy. And what's happened to that bunny?

@TakeAnotherDozenOffencesIntoConsideration [Matt Crawford] Puss Cat - can you keep an eye on Peggy while I take advantage of that plank Darryl?

@KneehighWithMenaces [Tilly Button] Lizzie's going to have to pay me a load more if I'm going to keep the pressure on David.

@TurkeyBasterWeekly [Turkey Baster Weekly] Henry Archer: thank you for renewing your subscription to celebrate Father's Day.

@OrganicIsNoGuarantee [Tony Archer] Arrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!

@BadgersBeware [David Archer] We will fight them at Brookfield. We will fight them on Lakey Hill. We will never surrender. Oh, OK then Mum.

@BlameyAmy Ouch! I was standing in the Car Park at Carl's office and a huge penny fell out of the sky onto my head.

@SpoiltAviator [Alice Aldridge] Damn! Now Amy's sorted, and Mum's run out of venison casserole, I have no more excuses. Will I have to explain to Christopher that I'm madly in love with Helen?

As ever there is only room for highlights here. If you are aware of other tweets, please list them below or send direct to @TonysConsultant.

"Snatch Squad" and other Borsetshire phrases explained

2012-06-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

As students struggle around the country with GCSEs it seems an appropriate time to publish an update to The Ambridge Lexicon: the meaning of words or phrases which have a special and particular definition in this everyday story of Country folk. Here are the top ten entries since the last publication:

Snatch Squad A group of individual guerilla bush-trimmers under the quasi-military leadership of Lynda Snell.

True Love Eating breakfast whilst newspapers are purchased. A rare coalescence of activities only, apparently, achieved by Blamey-Amy and Qarl.

I'M. HIS. WIFE SHUT. THE. F**K. UP. AND. GROW. A. PAIR.

I'm off to check the banner Underground gang slang indicating the long planned murder is about to be committed.

Borsetshire Hose-Pipe Ban Court order tempering Brian Aldridge's behaviour.

Venison Casserole A method of contraception unique to the Aldridge Family.

The Big Chair Symbol of hierarchy in Ambridge farming community.

A large one One of the most complex of quaint Ambridge expressions with many different meanings. Popular meanings include: a drink [Lillian], a moan [Emma], a whopping lie [Eddie], ambition [Tom], Tom [Brenda], Brenda [Chalkie], Chalkie [Matt], Matt [Lillian].....

Shooting the fox Activity only achievable once wood has been reached.

The Killing Fields This can refer to the scene of Adam's accident, Lower Loxley or, increasingly, Brookfield.

Please add other definitions below or direct to @TonysConsultant.

If you go down to the woods today...

2012-06-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

A sneak preview of Lynda Snell's Woodland Observation video revealed Nic and Will up to no good / very good / good as it gets* in the woods on Friday. As this was before the watershed a judiciously edited version was broadcast. It is important we know the full extent of the content.

Had the film of Nic and Will.I.bore continued we would have seen Jennifer appear with a Venison Casserole. She has previous, let's not forget.

Later still there is footage of Ian appearing from behind a tree with a tray full of mini-bakewell tarts for an assignation with Mr Pullen, in a rather fetching pinny - Ian has his needs, and Adam has been below par since his accident. This was filmed just before Mr Pullen arrived, exhausted, to cut the Jubilee Cake.

Tilly Button can be seen in the distance, dancing around what appears to be a makeshift altar. There seems to be a large bird on the altar - can't be sure but it seems to have long and very impressive feathers. It seems to give one, final, haunting squawk. I'm sure someone in the background is calling: "Eccles! Eccles!"

There's the swish of a tasselled loafer and Brian comes into vision, brazenly flourishing his hosepipe. Has the man no shame, or does he know something about the ban being lifted?

Lynda herself appears, with both llamas in tow, but to everyone's relief the screen flickers to black.

In other news, the campaign to have Weights and Measures recognise The Squirrel as an international unit of measurement received a major boost with the BBC Wireless Programme Saturday Live expressing full support for the proposal. This is a major development which we will follow with interest. It can only be hoped that Saturday Live may ultimately provide the haven for those suffering from Archers Saturday Syndrome (ASS).

* Delete as inappropriate

Out of the mouths of babes and Tilly Button: an open letter to Mr Yorke of "The Echo."

2012-06-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

There has been much consternation in Ambridge and its environs since changes at The Echo which have raised serious concerns.

Although it is understood that Mr Yorke is only temporarily in charge while the fragrant Ms Whitburn takes a well earned break (we all wish her well) there is nonetheless widespread concern that Mr Yorke's changes may be so deep and significant that they will be irreversible.

These fears are at their greatest in those who have knowledge of Mr Yorke's previous work at the Walford Gazette. Prominent amongst these are the Button family, for reasons which will become acutely obvious. The young beau of the family - Tilly - has articulated their concerns in a remarkably mature letter to The Echo, which I'm delighted to reproduce in full below:

Dear Mr Yorke

Politeness demands that I extend to you a very warm welcome to the role of Editor of The Echo. I must, however, take issue with you on the plans you have announced for our esteemed organ on behalf of my family and the wider Ambridge community.

Firstly, I should explain about our family. We moved to Ambridge under the witness protection scheme. I obviously cannot say much more on this matter but suffice to say that we are not unaware of your work on the Walford Gazette from our previous existence with my grandmother Peggy and Uncles Phil and Grant.

You should understand that when we moved from Walford we did not elect to move to Weatherfield, or to Emmerdale, or to Chester, but to Ambridge. We chose Ambridge because it offered a particular style of life which attracted us. We wanted somewhere where we would not end each day on tenterhooks but where we might be able to sleep counting sheep rather than murderers, contemplating the day's broken milk bottles rather than bottled milkmen, waking to the sound of cocks rather than coppers bashing on our doors.

The idyllic life has already been disturbed by your paper's tabloid-like obsession with the sex life of the villagers. Everyone is at it and whilst there is no denying it happens, we do not need it rammed down our throats at every turn. Every edition of your organ seems obsessed with it, and even Randy Ruth has been on the prowl. The girl who likes to say "Nooooooo" no more.

I think I speak for all the villagers when I say that if we wanted excitement we would not live in Ambridge or read The Echo. If we did we would be obsessed with serials, not cereals. We want quiet lives which we can embelish into excitement in our imaginations and in cyberspace. What would happen on Twitter if Badger Revolts, Murder Mayhem, Ridiculous Relationships and Inappropriate Innuendo were all part and parcel of Ambridge life? Please give us daily routine. We will do the rest.

Yours with menaces

Tilly Button

I am sure you will join me in thanking Tilly for her remarkably mature and astute observations, and to underline to Mr Yorke that she speaks for us all. If you have further observations please add them below, or direct to @TonysConsultant.

Loxley Barrett's Day on the River: an outside broadcast to forget

2012-06-04T03:19:00.000-07:00

Many, many congratulations to the Loxley Barrett After School Media Club who won the Blue Peter competition to broadcast the Jubilee Pageant live on the BBC yesterday. There were many proud parents on the river bank or at home in front of their TVs. The majority, like the rest of the nation, either held their heads in their hands or stared, open mouthed, as the day unfolded.

We must thank Loxley Barrett's Head of Media, Mr Thompson, who had the inspired idea of making the Jubilee a genuinely inclusive event and handing the coverage over with such disregard for his own reputation.

The children did very well indeed. I heard Tilly Button in the OB truck and she directed proceedings with great authority although her language might even have made a few of the old salts in the Pageant blush. She and all the children excelled themselves in the circumstances. It was difficult not to be overwhelmed by seeing seamen on such a scale.

We're also grateful to Head of Sport Mr Dickinson who stood in at the last minute to provide commentary. We cannot hold it against him that he knew nothing of the antiquities on show. The invitation for this part of proceedings was actually intended for his brother, David.

Good luck today to Jamie Perks who, as part of the same competition, has been given responsibility for the lighting of the Jubilee Beacons (more of a slow burner than yesterday's activities).

Our thoughts are also with Mrs Hebdon-Lloyd who has made a rare appearance at the school and helped the arts and crafts group to make a papier-mâché carriage which will be pulled by Topper and Spearmint in tomorrow's procession. [Actually, if you're listening it will be Josh Archer and a couple of coconut shells, but we don't want to shatter any more illusions.]

And finally we wish Mr Webber and Mr Barlow of the music department every success with this evening's concert. Mr Barlow has blown all the money raised for the school trip at last year's fete. We just hope he has something to show for it.

Loxley Barrett now hand the broadcasting back to the BBC for the rest of the summer. We can only hope they have learned the lessons from this misguided experiment.

If you saw or heard any more about this broadcast, please post it below or direct to @TonysConsultant.

Schools Out

2012-06-02T14:54:00.002-07:00

It's half term in Borsetshire and the children are on holiday. But before the break can begin in earnest, there's that potentially embarassing moment when the School Report has to be opened by the parents.

Here's a selection of what the Head Teachers had to say of some of the younger members of the Ambridge community. It goes without saying that those pupils of Loxley Barrett are still waiting for the joint headship of Mrs Cameron and Miss Clegg to properly come into its own.

Lily Pargetter
Lily is a charming girl, very self assured and keen to organise others. She is taking a great interest in out of school activities - bell ringing, thatching, hang gliding - indeed any activities involving heights. It is almost as though she is trying to prove something - or perhaps acclimitising herself to heights with some greater, long term plan in mind.

Daniel Hebdon-Archer-Billy-Elliot-Lloyd
A strong term for Daniel, particularly with his work in the Drama Club. His interpretive dance version of Brokeback Mountain was a revelation, although we would all prefer that his leotard was a little less revealing. He is a very sensitive and imaginative young man and is just as happy taking himself in hand as he is playing with others. Of course he found it difficult to deal with the disruption caused when Mr Cable was forced to stand down from Dance and Drama, but he is adapting well to the different, more laissez-fair methods of Ms Hunt. He obviously misses his mother although we fully support his adoptive father's stance in not paying the ransom.

Jamie Perks
A mixed term for Jamie. He has been very strong in Chemistry and is very deft with a Bunsen Burner. Mr Hague has still banned Jamie from school trips but we hope this may be reversed in the coming months. Truth be told, I'll forgive him anything all the while his stepmother comes to parents' evenings.

Tilly Button
We thought we had got over the violence that dominated the Autumn term but her reign of terror in the playground seems to continue. I agree that it was a mistake for Ms Hunt to give Tilly the role of Jack in her dramatisation of Lord of the Flies but I don't think we were to know that Tilly came from a family so committed to method acting. The Juvenile Court has been quite understanding and once we persuaded Tilly to admit to the arson, the blackmail and the poison pen letters, things have been looking up. We are grateful to Miss May who has agreed to mentor Tilly after half term and we sincerely hope to see an improvement.

George Grundy
Nursery School isn't necessarily the right environment for every child and it takes a great deal of maturity on the part of the parents to put their child into such a setting. It requires the parents to send their child with a happy smile and a cheery demeanour in themselves and the child. I therefore beg of you, Mr and Mrs Will.I.amabore Grundy, please take your child away.

Chelsea Horrobin
Chelsea is a little young for Careers Advice but we would encourage her to raise her sights. She recently told Mr Grayling that she had achieved everything she wanted by being invited to be a bridesmaid at the Big Fat Horrobin Wedding. Mrs Duncan-Smith warned her that this was a time-limited opportunity and Chelsea could not expect to be looked after once it was over but neither Chelsea nor her mother seemed unduly bothered by this.

The Head Teachers will be grateful for any other observations on these and other children's development. Please note them below or directly to @TonysConsulant.

The Games People Play

2012-05-30T05:59:00.002-07:00

The recent occurrence of the ancient game of Sausages, along with Brian and Helen flirting with Hide The Parsnip not so long ago, have led Ambridge archivists to trawl the records for examples of other games unique to this particular community.

Attentive readers will not be surprised to learn that the history of parlour games in Borsetshire is very closely allied to the discovery of The Ascent of Ambridgeman covered in these pages only last week. You may be even less surprised to be told that this formed the basis for the second of my series of lectures to Felpersham Anthropological Society and again I crave your indulgence as I quote from that lecture here:

"The Games People Play:
The Ascent of Ambridgeman ll
I am grateful to you for your very kind invitation for me to return today. I am delighted that my lecture on The Ascent of Ambridgeman was generally so well received, although myself and Lady Tuft have received a couple of rather odd phone calls in recent days.

Today I would like to address the outcome of some further research into artefacts uncovered at the BL Market site. Tapestry programmes, rule books and match reports, alongside sporting and gaming equipment, have all been painstakingly restored.

It is my enormous privilege to present the findings to you here this evening.

Most significant is that the games uncovered clearly match the various ages of Ambridgeman, and this is how we will explore them.

1. Low-life:
Scissors, Paper, Bang on Head
In the vanguard of Ambridgeman, Low-life entertained themselves with a game that required no verbal communication. It did much to help them pass the time but little to advance their intelligence. The forefather of a game still played in our playgrounds, the winner in this game was inevitably the Low-life with the largest cudgel who could exercise the heaviest bang on his opponent's head with greatest strength and largest element of surprise.

2. Horrobinus:
Musical Crimes
Groups of Horrobinus congregate around a car. The stereo plays and when the music stops, everyone piles into the vehicle. There is room for everyone but one. The one remaining must either take the punishment for the crime (Susan, the Horrobinus One, was an early victim of this outcome), or take their chance by challenging any witnesses to a game of Scissors, Paper, Bang on Head (see above) to which they are genetically predisposed.

3. Grundius Majorosus and Minorosus:
Pin the Crime on The Donkey
Grundius has a habit of indulging in petty crime but rarely gets his comeuppance. This is achieved by swiftly placing the blame for the crime on an unsuspecting - but eminently suspicious - individual, known as "The Donkey". Records show that the genus Fosterus and in particular their descendant Snatchus were often cast in the role of "The Donkey".

4. Miles Gloriosus
Roof Hockey
A complicated game for the more upright Ambridgeman. Over the years rules have evolved, but the former World Champion was deposed in the 2011 Grand Final. This match is shrouded in mystery. The weather nearly caused the event to be postponed and nobody is absolutely clear which rules were in play. However, David Archer is a worthy if reluctant champion.

5. Ambridgeman Erectus
Pyjama Games
As befits the most erect Ambridgeman, their games are played to their own rules. They are mainly adult in content, and the undisputed current champion is Brian "Tassels" Aldridge."

Once again the full text of this lecture has been placed with The British Anthropological Society and any additions, added below or direct to @TonysConsultant, will be greatly appreciated.