Amelioration

GIVEAWAY* Win a Kindle Keyboard 3G + 3 Ebooks!

2012-01-22T23:35:00.000-06:00

You guys know how I freakin' LOVE to read. I ADORE my Kindle, even though it's first gen-practically a dinasour, I use it every single day. Now I have the chance to pass on both of these loves to one lucky reader!

The Mommy Bunch, along with myself and several other awesome blogs and bloggers have joined forces to offer one lucky reader the chance to win a Kindle Keyboard 3G! Yes, I am serious!

All you have to do is complete the rafflecopter entry form below. Easy-peasy!

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! In addition to winning the Kindle you will also receive three free ebooks!

Spellbound By Fire by: Lavinia Thompson

Admit It, You’re Crazy! Quirks, Idiosyncrasies, and Irrational Behavior by: Judy Reiser

Super Blogga: 70 Plus Tips To Take Your Blog from Zero To Hero by Missy Diaz

There are TONS of ways to enter. Do one, or do them all...it's up to you. BUT--if you complete each required entry AND each optional entry you will receive an additional 25 entries!

This giveaway will run from January 23rd to Febuary 6th.

Please stop by some of the fantastic bloggers that have helped make this giveaway possible!

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Valentine's Day!

2012-01-20T19:01:00.000-06:00

Valentine's day is coming up very soon. Since Hubs and I are are still in the making up process I thought something racy might be in order. :D

I checked out Edenfantasys to see what I could find.

The selection is amazing! There are tons of super cute, racy and simply beautiful lingere to choose from. No matter what your tastes, or your partners tastes, Edenfantasys will have something to make your evening! Their prices are crazy reasonable too!

I chose the Black Lace Panel Gown with G-String, which is also avaliable in red:

Since I look exactly like this model, I didn't see a reason to post an actual pic of myself.

Ok, seriously though--Eden has an amazing selection of sizes as well as styles. If you are a big girl like me, don't worry--you are covered (or not-as the case may be).

I picked up A Touch Of Honey to compliment our evening too. I'm crazy exctied about this stuff. I've always wanted to try it, but never have.

While I was placing my order I added a couple of things to my Edenfantasys wish list.

This robe and babydoll are on my list and are just another example of the great lingere selection:

Wish lists are a great way to bookmark your favorite items for another time or send your partner to Edenfantasys to check out your list. My list has bath and body items, sex toys, lingere and even a couple of books!

Right now Eden is having a special, so on top of the great items I ordered I received a free Xtreme pack bullet vibe with a remote control. AND, as always, a free gift. This time a chose an EdenFantasys t-shirt.

Head over now and take a look, right now many of the lingere items are up to 30% off!

I'm Done. Stick A Pin In Me.

2012-01-18T12:14:00.000-06:00

I've know about this Pinterest thing for awhile. Never got into it. I didn't get it. All my friends are on there, but hey...I'm too cool for that. I got an invite months ago, and accepted it of course. I mean, who doesn't love being part of a secret society-not matter what the topic, right?

Well yesterday I was blogging around and read this post by MaryMac over at Pajamas and Coffee.

Wait. What? Pinterest is cool? I better check this thing out one more time.

Lemme tell ya, I'm sorry I did. Cause now my house will go uncleaned. My cats will go unfed. Hell, my kids and Hubs might go unfed or *gasp* have to fend for themselves.

Cause I'm addicted.

I need another vice like I need a hole in the head.

Folks, this site is stupid. I dunno who thought this up, but they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

I'm just starting out, but I've already got boards for stuff I want to do to my house, crap I wanna cook for dinner and shit I like to use for relaxation.

For instance, I'm already searching the internet and local resources for wooden pallets. Yep. Pallets. I'm gonna make shelves for my office/craft room. Who the hell thought of that? Another genius I suppose.

There are lamps made from old books-gotta make those for my bedroom. Hand embroidered wall hangings-gotta make that for Z's room. Key hooks decorated with book pages-that's for the entry.

GAH!

I'm gleaning so much inspiration from this ridiculous site that I won't have another spare minute in my life.

Just when I finally have time to sit on my ass, along come good ideas. Damn it.

I'm off to make some cutesy crafty stuff.

Go ahead and follow me. You know you want to.

Cookies!

2012-01-16T11:20:00.000-06:00

So now that I'm a woman of leisure, I've had more time to keep the house stocked with unhealthy things like cookies and cakes and huge dinners.

Last night, after perusing the pantry for something sweet I decided to look up a recipe for peanut butter cookies. What I found, amazed me!

Srsly, who the hell would have thought you can make cookies with no flour! I am not joking here people. No flour. And not just cookies, but really good cookies! These are super easy and quick. It took about 5 minutes to stir them up and only 8 minutes to bake. Perfect for the screaming sweet tooth.

Yes, I do realize that this started out as a weight loss blog. No, I don't want to talk about that, but thanks for asking.

I found the recipe here: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/best-peanut-butter-cookies-ever/

My instincts are to run far from recipes and couponing and mommy/grammy blogging, but I'm not sure I can do that. Isn't that what ya do when you stay home? *sigh* I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. Just because I share a recipe doesn't make me a complacent house wife. :P

I'll soon be posting about my goals, keeping myself occupied and of course--my new life's joy--Little Zeke! I'll be hosting a new giveaway soon and, as always will be keeping you informed on all the new products and fun stuff over at EdenFantasys. Oh! AND...I have a story for YOU! One of those "I-can't-believe-this-actually-happened-to-me stories!

Just call me NaNa!

2011-12-27T13:39:00.001-06:00

No dont. Im just kidding. Dont you dare.

But seriously...our little guy is here! He is perfect!

If i owe you a from a giveaway or for xmas-forgive me! Its going to be a couple of days!

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Merry Kissmas!

2011-12-22T20:32:00.000-06:00

Remember back a couple of weeks ago when I told you how excited I was to get my new bath and beauty products from EdenFantasys? Well, they arrived! I've been using them for awhile now and I gotta say...I'm loving them!

My 12 Days of Christmas Lip-Stravaganza set includes:

Exfoliating Lip Scrub
Brown Sugar Exfoliating Lip Scrub
Matte Lips Lip Balm x2
Cocoa Butter Lip Balm
Shiny Lips Lip Gloss
Super Shiny Lips Lip Gloss
Vanilla Mint Lip Balm
Daytime Lip Conditioner
Breath Mint Lip Balm
Sweet Kisses Balm
Overnight Lip Conditioning Treatment

I'm on vacation right now, so I haven't used the Shiny Lips yet. Tomorrow night is Date Night, I'll keep ya posted! Each night I have been using the Exfoliating Lip Scrub, then the Overnight Lip Conditioning Treatment. Every morning I've been applying one of the balms. My favorite is the the Breath Mint balm.

The real star in the package is truly the Exfoliating Lip Scrub. It tastes great, and unlike most scrubs-it doesn't need to be rinsed off. The little scrubbies just dissolve as you rub your lips together. This stuff leaves your lips so freakin' smooth! I've never used anything like it before. I'm totally addicted! My lips feel amazing and I swear I think they are plumper! Now, none of these little tubs promise to plump your lips, but I didn't realize how unhealthy my lip skin must have been!

I intended to share this set, maybe throw a few in some stockings--but that's not gonna happen. I'm keeping it all!

Along with my beauty products I also got a couple of new sex toys for Hubs and I. We have been having a blast! Nothing like months worth of making up after months worth of grief! I'll be giving you my opinion on some of these products after the new year!

Head over to Eden Cafe' and enter to win this set or your choice of many other products from their new Premium Body Care Products selection!

EdenFantasys, an online retailer of sex toys, provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own.

My Memories Giveaway!

2011-12-21T20:27:00.011-06:00

When My Memories asked me to host a giveaway of their digital scrapbooking software suite I could not believe it! I have been so excited about this. I love playing with family pictures and have only recently started scrapbooking.

Let me tell you, my excitement was totally warrented. I have had an absolute blast with this digital scrapbooking! I've been playing all week and can not wait to make a full album of baby pictures when our little guy gets here!

I was impressed at the amount of options that come with the My Memories software and even more impressed at the amount of free additions that are available for download. There are also hundreds of additional page layouts, papers, embellishments and other additions available for super reasonable prices.

I've been making pages for my girls and Little Dude!

As if this stuff isn't cool enough, My Memories is offering a special deal just for my readers. Enter this code STMMMS63600 and you will get $10 off your order AND a $10 coupon!

If that isn't awesome enough, My Memories has given me an additional copy for one of you!

Enter this giveaway using the Rafflecopter form below. Comments will not count as entries.

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Giveaway Coming Soon!

2011-12-16T11:45:00.003-06:00

Stay tuned!

I have my very first actual giveaway coming up in just a few days!

Check back for your chance to win My Memories digital scrapbooking software!

I'm telling you, this stuff is cool!

We Have A Winner!

2011-12-14T08:37:00.002-06:00

MARY!

Mary, I emailed you!

Thank you all for the ideas! The CD is nearly finished!

Naughty or Nice?

2011-12-06T09:36:00.004-06:00

Time is ticking down! How much have you crossed off your list? Not to brag or anything, but I only have one gift left to purchase. I'm only holding off on it because it's big. And I have no place to store it until Christams.

I do need to pick up some stocking stuffers.

If you are still shopping around, or racking your still turkey leftover stuffed brain, check out some of EdenFantasys new items. You guys are gonna be so surprised! This isn’t just about being naughty; it’s also all about being nice!

For instance, this set is perfect for sisters, aunts, even mothers! Who doesn’t love soft smooth lips, and in the middle of winter-that can be a rarity.

Lip Lovely Set: Sugar Kisses Lip Scrub & Rescue Me Peppermint Lip Treatment.

Or how about this 12 Days of Christmas Lip Balm Set I totally want this! I’m thinking I might use a couple pots out of the set as stocking stuffers and the rest are MINE! Muuhahhaaaa!!!

Remember when I told you how much I adore my bath tub and taking the time to pamper myself in it? It doesn’t get any better than Cake Beauty Vanilla Snow Woman Glistening Bath and Shower Gel. This stuff rocks. Not only does it smell divine, but using it before a quiet night with the hubs makes me feel totally silky and sexy.

Right now, EdenFantasys has a ton of deals going:

•100s of select gifts are available for 70% off
•30% off Massagers from California Exotic
•FREE beach towel with purchase of $20 Bath and Body Products
•FREE Eden Vibrating Ring with any order/purchase or choose other gift.
•Save 25% luxury gifts for him and her
•FREE shipping for orders $59+
•Like EdenFantasys on Facebook and receive more specials and benefits

This is the perfect place to wrap up your shopping!

EdenFantasys, an online retailer of sex toys, provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own.

Don't forget to check out my giveaway! Suggest a song and you will be entered to win a custom CD and a pair or earrings or a ring from my Etsy shop!

Amelioration's Third Annual Cry For Help Giveaway!

2011-11-29T16:23:00.010-06:00

It’s that time of year!!

The time when I beg for your assistance, but offer goodies in exchange!

Once again, I’m working on a compilation CD for my sisters. And once again, I'm out of ideas.

Usually I start WAY before now (I know, I know…I say that every year). Any of my regular readers know I’ve had a sooo much on my plate!

I could be counting incorrectly, but I believe this is the 10th year of the Christmas CD.

Read more about the beginning of the tradition HERE and HERE.

Here are the rules of song inclusion:

1. The lead/primary singer must be a woman.

2. There is no genre confinement. Country, rock, classical-anything goes as long as it’s a kick ass song.

3. The song must not have been included on previous CDs.

4. Age of song does not matter.

5. Requests are considered, however, they are not a promise of inclusion.

6. Final decision depends on whether or not I enjoy the song. (Not gonna spend money on songs I don’t like-just sayin’)

2003’s Volume One included:

Travelin' Soldier- The Dixie Chicks
Wild Horses- Jewel
The Weakness In Me- Joan Armatrading
Gasoline- Jann Arden
Sonny Came Home- Shawn Colvin
Sleep While I Drive- Melissa Ethridge
Tomorrow Wendy- Concrete Blonde
Landslide- Fleetwood Mac
White Flag- Dido

2008’s Volume Six Contained:

Gypsy’s, Tramps and Thieves – Cher
Beautiful Like Me- Joydrop
Bubbly- Colbie Caillat
It’s Amazing- Jem
I Kissed A Girl- Katy Perry
99 Red Balloons- Nena
Misery Business- Paramore
Breathe Me- Sia
Disturbia- Rhianna

These lists are only a sampling; most contain 18-20 songs. These CDs are meant to celebrate sisterhood, strong women and good music.

Like always, I need your help!

In exchange, one lucky winner will receive a copy of this year’s CD and his or her choice of a ring or pair of earrings from my shop, or I will custom make something for you.

The first and mandatory entry is to suggest a song. Even if I don’t use your song, you’ll still be entered to win. Please leave one comment for each entry.

2. Like my shop on Facebook if you don’t already.

3. Follow my shop on Twitter.

4. Tweet about this giveaway and leave me a link.

5. Follow my blog via GFC.

6. Post the giveaway in a linky and leave me a link to the linky.

That's 6 chances to win! The giveaway will run until Tuesday December 13th at 5pm.

Please note that should my grandbaby decide to make his entrance on this day or close to it there may be a delay in announcing the winner!

Black Friday Is Sooooo 5 Minutes Ago!

2011-11-26T23:09:00.003-06:00

The 'in' thing is Cyber Monday! That's right, sit on your couch in your PJs sipping coffee and still hit some of the best sales around!

So Thanksgiving evening myself and the kiddo got bored. We decided that we'd go to Walmart, see if we could catch any pre-Black Friday sales and avoid the crowds. Since I'm fairly wrapped up in my own little world right now...I had no idea that Walmart was going to begin their sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving! WTH?!

I swear to gawd, we eventually left because I started to fear for my daughter's safety. I'm not even kidding right now. She's got the big belly, ya know. And people were pushing and shoving and elbowing and exhibiting all sorts of other completely unbelievable behavior that adults just should not engage in.

I was seriously concerned that she (or I) would get hurt! These people were nuts! There were some good deals to be had, but not THAT good!

We left, and I'm taking this as a lesson learned.

From now on, it's only Cyber Monday for me!

And to celebrate this revelation I'm offering 20% off all purchases from my Etsy Store!

Enter code CYBERSALE20 and enjoy 20% off everything listed in the store!

Spread the word!

Relax! Treat Yourself!

2011-11-20T00:39:00.006-06:00

When we bought our house, one of the major selling points was the tub in the master bath. It's a huge thing with jets and enough room for two people. I love hanging out in there, jets running, door locked. I take a book in with me, read and relax.

It's something inexpensive and readily available that I do for myself almost any time. It's a perfect way to pamper myself and not feel guilty. Something else I love is to pamper myself with scrubs and lotions and supergood shower gels and perfumes.

And guess who carrys some of these very things??

EDENFANTASYS!

No, seriously!

If that wasn't awesome enough they are also carrying makeup, and clothing! Not to take away from their already extensive collection of sexy outfits!

I will not shut-up! It IS for real!

Now I'll be honest-I have not yet received my first order of their body lotion and lip blush. I have never purchased something from EdenFantasys that I didn't absolutely love so I am confident that these will be no exception!

My last order was partially comprised of ....well lets just say my husband was grinning ear to ear... I'll blog about that later ;) ;) I also chose a new toy for myself out of their selection of free gifts-which come with every order!

I will let you know just how much I love this new line of products. In the mean time, check it out for yourself and let me know what you think!

EdenFantasys, an online retailer of sex toys, provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own.

2011-11-11T11:47:00.002-06:00

GO! HURRY!

RUN over HERE and enter to win a brand spankin' new Kindle Fire with the cover of your choice OR $250 cash paid via PayPal. This giveaway only lasts for 2 weeks so don't waste time thinking about it!

I'll tell you, there are a TON of way to enter and if you fill them all out it will take you some time, but seriously--30 minutes of your time for a FREE Kindle Fire!? Totally worth it!

Wow! That Was Unexpected!

2011-11-01T13:46:00.010-05:00

A couple of months back, my oldest had a birthday. Now, if you think buying gifts for your Great Uncle Joe’s second wife’s cousin is difficult-try buying something for a teenage girl that won’t get thrown in the bottom of the closet. It’s super easy to find yourself holding a package that you think will be the absolute best present they have ever received and yet next time you go digging for laundry you find this gift at the bottom of a pile of dirty socks, discarded like the hideous sweater Aunt Martha bought you last Christmas. After a couple of years, these findings stop hurting your feelings.

Teen girls are stupid hard to buy for.

Especially when they get old enough to have a part-time job and a boyfriend. They can buy for themselves. Or make the boy buy stuffs.

So I was internally cringing when I asked what she wanted. And then, to my surprise-I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. All she wanted, she tells me, is a nice locking box for her make-up and jewelry. She’s looking for something cool that will match her room and keep her sister out of her crap.

Really? That’s it? Dude…I can SO do this!

So I head to Wal-mart. Nothing. K-mart-nada. Big Lots-Jack squat. JC Penny-Newp.

Seriously people? What the hell? This shouldn’t be a huge order to fill.

A day or so goes by and I’m checking out the EdenFantasys site looking for something new for Hubs and I. I click to go to page two and there it is! The exact thing I have been looking for! The Devine Toy Lace Storage Container!

A super storage box with a lock and key! SHUT. UP. Who would have thought!? Not me. I mean what kind of mother buys her teenager a birthday gift from an adult store??

This one! That’s what kind!

Now, I have to admit I did pause. Ok, not THAT big a pause.

I ordered it right away and was so excited when it was delivered! This thing is super cool (I should have bought one for myself. Right now I have a picnic basket in the top of my closet. Not so secure).

The whole box is covered in black leather like material and lined with stain material. The lid is a bright purple covered in black lace. It’s simple, understated and sexy without being TO sexy. The latch, lock and key are great quality and work perfectly.

She loves it! And has no idea of its ‘intended’ purpose.

EdenFantasys are always very discreet with their products and packaging. I never worry about what my mailman thinks because he would never guess where the package was purchased let alone what is inside.

This box has so many potential uses! Storing pictures, jewelry, make up, love letters, trinkets or any kind of personal treasure. Or how about a bachelorette gift!? Wish I’d found this when we were planning She’QuaQua’s party!

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

2011-10-27T12:14:00.005-05:00

What is life if not confusing and overwhelming at times, right? I’m seriously tired of stuff. I would really appreciate being able to go back to my nice, normal boring life where the most exciting thing I had to blog about was my cats. (By the way, we have 3 now. Long story, not I’m not dying as expected.)

Hubs decided that he wants to try again. On the day the papers were ready to be signed, it appears that he had a change of heart. It’s hard to trust him, but he’s really trying—so I guess we’ll give it another whirl. Wow…that sounded really casual. Obviously it is a little more intense and involved than that but I’ll spare you the details.

That means no man-hating posts in the near future. Well, maybe not NO—just fewer than originally expected.

The jacked up thing is that we already told everyone (including the entire internet and our children) that we are divorcing. So now we have to go back and tell everyone that we aren’t. I did reattach my wedding ring this weekend. But I didn’t call the lawyer. Guess I need to do that. I’m feeling fairly stupid at the moment and flakey as hell. Srsly, who does this shit?! Hey! Let’s announce to the world that we are divorcing….but wait…maybe we shouldn’t…maybe we should try again….I might be functionally retarded for giving this another shot. But just maybe it will work out and be ok.

I’ve been following Project: Happily Ever After for a long time. I pre-ordered the book last year, never read it. (Maybe I should have got on that a little sooner, eh?) Now’s a good time I’d say. And I’m gonna make Hubs read it. Maybe read it TO each other! Outloud! Alyssa says that it’s possible to save a marriage even when you have been mentally planning your spouse’s funeral or dreaming up a list of people you might date when the divorce is final or your spouse finally kicks the bucket.

So yeah, quite enough drama for a while-right?

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

If you read this blog within the next 30 minutes you’ll get more bad news! That’s right, just pay attention and you’ll get one semi- happy story and one unhappy story ABSOLUTELY FREE!

So the newest one is this:

My oldest daughter has decided to move out.

*sigh*

She just turned 17 and is full of wisdom and worldly knowledge and is more stubborn that I.

Shit. This is what I get for teaching them to be independent I guess.

She won’t talk to me, won’t talk to her dad. We’re stupid, you know. And we’ve never been 17. Somehow we skipped right over that crap; therefore we couldn’t possibly know what she is going though.

Now, that said-she has had to go though some shit that I never did. Like having a pregnant younger sister and having her parents’ divorce, or on the verge of divorcing. I can’t blame her for wanting out. Hell, I might run screaming if I could. Who wouldn’t!?

Our state laws allow a female, 17 years of age to move out of her parents’ home if she chooses. We talked to her for several hours last week. We came just short of all out begging her not to do this. We even told her that we’d buy her a car. In addition to the car we already bought her, which she begged for-then refused to learn to drive.

The good news is that she didn’t go far. She is staying with my parents. This does mean a new school. A tiny new school. Like there are nearly twice the people in her class here than in the entire K-12 there. My parents live in the middle of no where. So no internet, no decent TV and you only get cell service if you climb onto the roof and invoke the goddess of celular blessings while standing on your left leg only with your tounge cocked *snicker* to the right. And only then when certain constellations are visible to the people of Greenland.

It won't be long until she's home.

He's Trying To Get Brownie Points!

2011-09-29T12:45:00.009-05:00

With all that is going on, you wouldn’t think that I would have reason to hug my husband.

But I do.

I dunno if it’s a guilt gift, just an awesome thing, or maybe…well, maybe I should just stop questioning it.

Hubs bought me a birthday present. Last thing I expected really. I didn’t expect a present at all, but I really didn’t expect what I got. In fact, when he told me what it was-I peed a little. And nearly fainted. Srsly.

You guys know how I love the Hair Bands. I’ve had the ridiculously good luck to have been able to meet and see more than one of these rock GAWDS. Hubs got me two tickets to a concert and told me to take whoever I wanted. I’m taking my sister who happens to be an equally big fan of the Hair. Although she may be a little more grounded about it. Maybe. Ok, fine. So she's an adult about it and I'm not. Anywho...

We not going to see just any Hair Band. THE Hair Band. THE ONE. The one that I obsessed over. Postered my room with, drooled over, sang in the shower, sang in my car, and currently have as my ringtone. Shut up.

G’n’Effin’ R.

That’s right. You --are jealous. I’m going to see Guns and Roses. Yep, Axl MFn’ Rose.

I’ve been waiting twenty years to see this band.

Yes, I am aware that Axl is fat now. So am I.

I am aware that he is going gray. Me too.

He probably can't sing anymore. I can't either!

He likes sandwiches. I like sandwiches! *omgscream*

Do you see what’s happening here!? We have SO MUCH in common!

It’s not the original band, which makes me a little sad-but I don’t mind much. I do wish I could see Slash but I’m confident that I will someday.

I’m not afraid of leg humping this time. Or stuttering, or drooling all over myself. Ok, that’s a lie. I am afraid of drooling all over myself. I probably won’t be able to get close enough for Axl to see it-so it’s ok.

This time I’m afraid for my personal health. I might die.
I could have a heart attack. Or a stroke. Or like an aneurysm or something. Arthritis from attempting to crowd surf. Incontinence from yelling so loud. Whatever crappy stuff happens to seniors.

Who would have thought that I’d be in my 30’s finally getting to see my teenage band idols?

Think I’ll be the only Grandma there??

Side note: Blogger, your editing tools blow me. Srsly guys. When I put in a double space, that's what I want to see, not 4 double spaces. And when I upload a picture-I want it to land where my cursor is placed, not at the beginning of my post. Step it up guys. For reals.

The Bad, The Really Bad, And The Even Worse....

2011-09-21T16:23:00.006-05:00

It’s that time of year again. The once every couple of months “Where The Eff Have I Been” post.

This time, it’s crazy.

No, srsly—you guys aren’t going to believe this shit. And it’s not good. It’s serious and heartbreaking and surreal and well, unbelievable. I’m not even kidding, you guys.

So I have Bad News, some Really Bad News and Worse News. Which do you want first?
The Bad News? Ok, here goes:

I just turned 35. It’s awful. I’m dying. Like One-Foot-In-The-Grave, DYING. You know what this means, right? Like my wrinkles, my fat rolls, my gray hair—it’s all locked in. I’ll never lose another pound. After 35 everything goes to hell in a hand basket, right? At least that’s the rumor. If you don’t think it’s true, read on…

For me—it’s plain simple truth.

Couple turning 35 with the crap I’m about to lay down and you guys are going to be staring at your screens open mouthed, drooling on the keyboard without realizing it, unable to speak or move. Srsly. This is some heavy shit. Some of you may even shed a tear. Go grab the tissues, I’ll wait……………

We good?

Alrighty then-here goes—the Really Bad News:

Hubs and I are divorcing.

Yeah, I told you. Thought I was making up the crappy news, didn’t you? Well, I’m not. It’s true, it’s for reals. And it blows.

Hardcore.

I never, ever thought that I would be a divorcee. Never. I married him thinking that together, we could take over the world. Knowing that, of all the people on this planet-he was the one to travel this road with me and always love me, always support me. We have come so far and overcome so much, but there are some things that just can’t be overcome. ((That’s where the worse news comes in but we’ll talk about that in a bit.)) What really blows is to realize that I was wrong. I hate being wrong. I’d like to place all the blame on him but if I’m honest with myself, I can’t do that.

I won’t go into all the nasty details right now. That doesn’t mean that you won't get a screen full of bitter, vomitus man-hating down the road-cause I’m fairly certain that will happen at some point in this ridiculousness. Right now though, I’m in “Get through this” mode. We have talked, divided our assets peaceably. We saw the lawyer and the papers are being drawn up and will be ready to sign by the end of the week. He gets the car that isn’t paid off, the couch and miscellaneous furniture from the basement, his computer and his clothes. I get the house and everything else. Our oldest daughter is about to turn 17 (Hubs adopted her two years ago). Because of her age, all her extracurricular activities and her job there isn’t any fighting over her. She’ll go to Dads when she wants but will live with me. He’ll help support her and pay for her extracurricular activities.

All of that is the easy part.

The hard part is trying to stay friendly. And simply trying to wrap my head around what is happening. He’s been my best friend for 11 years. And now he’s not. That is a crazy hard thing to deal with. Oddly enough, I’m having a much harder time dealing with getting divorced than with the Worse News.

Here’s goes…drumroll...

[Insert deep breath here]

I’m gonna be a grandma.

Yeah, you read that right. No, I’m not shitting you.

I won’t be putting any specifics on the internet, but just know that in January one of my kids is expecting a little baby boy.

Crazy right? Speechless? Crying? Cause I am. Pass me a tissue, would ya?

I’ve known since the beginning and so have had some time to process it. While the news is still mind- blowing, it’s getting easier.

I’ve dealt with every sort of emotion there is with this. Anger, sadness, depression….I’ve ran the gamut. The worst though, has been feeling like a failure of a mother. I know now (Thanks to a counselor and some good happy pills) that it isn’t my fault. My child is on the leading edge of a terrible new generation of kids having kids. I won’t get all political on you, and its not that I shouldn’t share any blame-I probably should. But I had to work to realize that this was not all my fault.

I am not a bad mother.

I gotta tell ya, I might even be getting a tad excited to meet the little guy. His name is going to be Ezekiel. We are getting ready, got all the equipment—now just have to get fully mentally ready, if that’s even possible. I will essentially be adopting a baby here, boys and girls.

I’ve not forgotten what it’s like to be a single mom, but somehow those things don’t always look as bad when you look back. What I have forgotten what it’s like not to have another adult to count on. I’ll be fine. I can handle it, I can do this—but it’s gonna suck like there’s no tomorrow. ((There will be good points, for instance: no more dirty socks and/or underwear on my bedroom floor, no more wet towels on the bed, no more retarded friends, no more arguing over the radio station and far fewer fart jokes.))

How on earth can it be that I'm handling this one better than the crap with Hubs? How stupid is that? I don't get it either.

When I started this blog, the Amelioration part of it was mostly about my body. My weight, getting fit…I had no idea of the actual changes I’d actually be making.
So once again, as always in my “Where The Eff Have I Been” post, I’ll pledge to you that I WILL keep up with this blog.

I intend to keep blogging for EdanFantasys too. Gawd knows I'll be doing toy reviews before long....

Anywho...this going to be good therapy for me. And a great soap opera for you.

Wondering About She'QuaQua?

2011-08-17T21:43:00.009-05:00

Well wonder no longer!

Ok, so once again it’s been forever since I’ve posted! I know! I’ve been busy. Like seriously busy. But I have a second now and thought I’d update you on She'QuaQua’s party!

We seriously had a BLAST!

We had great food. Chocolate covered strawberries and apples. Cheese and crackers…margaritas sipped through tiny penis straws…great snacks before our night of debauchery.

Did I forget to mention the cake?! Yeah, I made that. Shut up! It's true! I did! The pubes are made from a grated Hershey Bar--that makes me giggle.

Then, we presented our bride with a gift basket stuffed with naughtys!

Lacy panties, sexy hose, a pocket Kama Sutra, pink fluffy handcuffs, some of the best lube I’ve ever used ~~omg…did I type that…~~, a couple of sample bottle of massage oil, a “Trophy Bride” martini glass, a Pleasure Petals vibe, a book of Bachlorette Party Mad Libs and a handmade veil!
Not only did I pick up most of these at EdenFantasys, but I also got us the most freaking fantastic bachelorette party game ever!

Pin The Macho On The Man.

No, I’m not kidding. It was perfect! This game comes with like 30 penis options! Big, small, fire-hose, zebra print, a fish and a double-header just to name a few…and each one has an absolutely hilarious quip printed on it. I’m not going to give any of them away-they are just tooooo good. I will tell you that before we left we pinned our chosen penis to our shirts. We did. I swear it.

Great fun.

And now for the best part....

Imagine making your best friend enter bar after bar carrying this:

Captain Pecker, The Party Wrecker!

Oh yes! I TOLD you I was gonna do it! And ohhh…the attention! EVERYONE wanted to touch our penis. Even the guys. We had people ask to borrow it, ask to dance with it and ask to take their picture with it! We debated using the fuzzy pink handcuffs to chain her to it, but then we'd have missed out on passing it around the bar and wouldn't have got to see it crowd surfing. Again-not kidding.

Oh ladies! This was an awesome night! A huge thanks to She'QuaQua for getting married so we could plan this memorable evening (Oh, and grats too!) and an even bigger thanks to EdenFantays for making it possible!

Everything I purchased from EdenFantasys came in one discreetly labeled box. I've been so impressed with this feature! I never have to worry about the kids, neighbors or mailman knowing what I've bought. And speaking of buying--right now you can get a free t-shirt with every order! Every Order! I'm so getting one.

Disclosure: I will receive a gift card from EdenFantasys in exchange for this post. However, I was totally addicted before I wrote this-so it's just a bonus. All opinions are mine and mine alone. Your experience with EdenFantays, EdenCafe' or any links to or from their site may differ.

What A Girl Wants...

2011-07-05T19:12:00.007-05:00

I have this little list of wishes that just seems to be unattainable.

I don't think I'm an unreasonable person or that I'm asking too much. I'm not sure why I can't seem to make any of these happen! I tend to be go-getter...most things I want I eventually obtain. But these-just aren't making their way in my direction.

If you guys have any of this stuff and would be willing to share, it would be greatly appriciated.

Here it is:

1. I want to wear shoes with no socks and not have my feet smell like a dead antelope. Really, I don't see where this is too much to ask. It's summer for effs sake. Can't they make shoes and or sandals that have built in anti-deadanimal?

2. I want a personal accountant. I want someone to take all my money, pay all my bills, give me an allowance. This person needs to make sure I have savings, retirement and a fat college fund for my kids. He or she will need to work for free until they figure out how much I can afford to pay them. Oh, and they should be honest.

3. No craving for cake. My love of cake needs to just go away. Also cookies. And ice cream. This craving should be gone from me with the exception of, say-once a year on mah birthday.

4. A self dusting home. I'll take care of everything else, but the house seriously needs to dust itself. I mean, I'm a good owner-I take care of it, love it, pamper it, prune it. It's the least the house could do, I think.

5. Family that isn't crazy. Everyone has a few skeletons or black sheep, but I think 'everyone' could exclude me and no one would ever be the wiser.

6. 48 hours in a day. Plenty of time for sleep, work, house stuff, crafty stuff, relaxation, kids, blogging, reading the kabillion books in my to-be-read list, exercise, cooking and finishing my To-Do list every single day.

7. Grass that only grows to the specified height. They can make miniature dogs, miniature computers, miniature roses... why the crap can't they make grass that only grows to a nice manicured height and stops?

8. And speaking of manicures-I'd like to have finger nails and toe nails that just grow out pre-mani/pedi'ed.

9. A 24 hour Sonic in my back yard. This would necessitate enlarging my back yard, but I would be willing to do that for Sonic iced tea just a few feet away.

10. A winning lottery ticket. I'm not talkin' hundreds of millions or anything crazy. I'm just sayin' enough to make the above mentioned accountants job a tad easier.

Srsly, none of this is unreasonable-right?

What do YOU want??

Handmade Gift Exchange!

2011-07-01T08:21:00.004-05:00

This is my first time participating in the Craftaholics Anonymous. I've been so excited to be able to post the gifts I sent.

A couple of days ago, Linda-the owner of CA-emailed me to tell me that my trade partner, Dawn had been hospitalized and had to have surgery. She won't be able to participate. I sent her the things I had made anyway and then I will get something from someone else.

Dawn! I hope you feel better!

Here's what I sent out:

A rolled fabric shabby chic statement necklace--I seriously almost kept this one for myself!

Blue Green Demi Hoop Dangle Earrings,

And a transparent glass beaded, wire wrap ring.

I also sent her a little vinyl wall sticker that I got as a freebe. We talked about decorating and Dawn had never tried them because she has textured walls. I told her not to worry! I have a couple of textured walls and I STILL feed my addiction to them!

I can't wait until the next one!

So I'm Not Dead Afterall...

2011-06-24T20:40:00.005-05:00

It turns out that the plot to kill me was indeed an EPIC FAIL!

Mmwwuuahhhh!!!

The kitten? Yeah, not bothering me. I don't get it. The little ~~cutie-pies~~ bastards are even sleeping in my bed.

Oh, you noticed the plural there? Mmhmmm....turns out--I'm quite the sucker. Who'd have thought!

So the oldest kid calls me up:

Her: OMGMAWM! Elliegothiskittyandnowtheycan'tkeepit! MOM! Theycan'ttakeittothepound! He will DIE! PLEASEMAWMOMGAWDDONTLETHIMDIE!

Then she sends me this:

Me: /facepalm

Could you turn that away? Send it to the pound? To DIE!?

I should mention that the poor little guy is cross-eyed. No-for reals. I'm not even joking. Cross-eyed.

Didn't believe me, did ya?

We now have, not one-but two small killers in our home. I hate to admit it, but I totally love them.

Damn it.

My sister has had 3 long haired cats most of our adult life. It's always been hard for me to visit her over night because of the cats. She keeps her house immaculately clean, but still I would get the sneezes and snots and the fuct up eye. Over the last couple of years, circumstances have rendered her catless making it much easier for me to visit. While talking with her she told me something about cats and kittens that I didn't know. She said that kitten fur is similar to the fuzz on a baby duck. You know how they get the cute soft fuzz before their feathers come in? Yeah, that stuff. She said that often times allergies don't kick in until the kittens get older and their 'real' fur starts coming in.

Now I'm worried for different reasons. I heart them! Damn it all-I don't know what I will do if they start giving me the fuct up eye now!

I can't win.

That's B (short for Beelzebub) on the left and A (short of Armageddon but AKA Little Boy) on the right.

What Rock Were You Raised Under?

2011-05-08T12:57:00.008-05:00

When one gets married, there are certain Rights, if you will. Rights of both passage and tradition. For instance, a bride would generally expect a ring. She would also be insured an engagement, a bridal shower and a bachelorette party, right? Obviously there are less traditional options, but when speaking of the 'expected' events surrounding this joyous occasion-these are the things we look at.

I recently came across someone who didn’t think that was the case.

I’ll be changing names to protect the privacy of those involved.

Last summer my friend She'QuaQua got engaged.

**OMG! It was the CUTEST thing! Her BF invited like 80 people over for a “house warming” party-then in the middle of it he stopped and gave a speech, thanking everyone who had helped them with remodeling, yard work, etc—then he went down on one knee and proposed in front of everyone! Total surprise to She'QuaQua! I’d never seen an honest-to-gawd down-on-one-knee proposal before! We were all a little verclempt.**

So with the wedding fast approaching, a group of us started asking about her bachelorette party. This is when she informs us that she isn’t having one.

Um. Wha?? Why the eff not!?

She'QuaQua goes on to explain, her voice shaking in disappointment, that Bertha, her maid of honor, relayed to her that a bride gets a shower OR a bachelorette party, but not both and the choice lies with of the maid of honor.

Excuse me, Bertha…but you are ~~full of shit~~ mistaken. Exactly which rock do you live under? I don't know if your maid of honor passed this on to you, but if she did you should totally ~~knock her out~~ have a talk with her.

Enter: Martha and I!

(I like to fancy myself a crafter, but this girl is Martha Stewart's long lost love child whose unknown father HAS to be Clinton of Stacey and Clinton fame.)

With less than a month to the wedding, we decide to pull a bachelorette party out of our arses.

We start making a list.

We need wine. Lots of it.
We need a cute little faux veil.
We need a “Suck for a Buck” t-shirt for She'QuaQua.
We need a bar.
We need penis straws.
We need penis candy.
We need penis decorations.
We need a 6 foot tall penis.

Where to go to find all this? For the latter part of the list, I immediately think of EdenFantasys!

These guys know how to throw a bachelorette party! I’m not even joking about the 6 foot tall penis! (So our plan is too use the fuzzy handcuffs to chain She'QuaQua to the penis and make her drag it around the bar. Shhhhh!) Or the straws for that matter-got those too. They even have plates and cups!

Need ideas? Check out EdenCafe for blog posts, articles and forums! These guys are hella creative! Don't forget the weekly giveaway! You can win amazing prizes every week! And--AND--Right now EdenFantasys is thowing in a free gift with every order! Every order, no matter how small!

When we told She'QuaQua she was entitled to both, she teared up a little.

Every bride needs to ~~strap~~ tie one on before she ties the knot.

Disclosure: I will receive a gift card from EdenFantays in exchange for this post. However, I was totally addicted before I wrote this-so it's just a bonus. All opinions are mine and mine alone. Your experience with EdenFantays, EdenCafe' or any links to or from their site may differ.

My Entire Family Is Trying To Kill Me.

2011-05-08T12:00:00.008-05:00

In the past I’ve written about my allergies. Specifically my allergies to cats and dogs. Now for those of you that have seen me have a reaction, you know just how bad this can get.

Let me describe it to you.

Fuct. Up. Eye.

That’s right. My eyes, usually an intensely beautiful, striking and enchanting color of blue-turn into swollen masses of boogers and tears. I’m not talking your normal swollen allergy eyes that can be calmed with a touch of visine. Oh, no. We’re talking the WHITES of my eyes swell until it looks like my eyeball will explode into a cloud of brain matter and lashes. I’m not even joking. This is generally followed by sneezing, snotting, asthma symptoms and lots of curse words. I found a picture online, but decided to spare those of you who haven't seen it in real life.

So imagine my surprise when hubs says:

We should get a dog.”

Me: I’m allergic.

Hubs: Yeah, but I think just a small one would be ok.

Me: I’m allergic.

Hubs: Yes, I know this. But if we got a little one, like pure breed-I think you’d be ok.

Me: You knew I was allergic when you married me. Size of the dog could be directly proportionate to the size of my EYEBALL WHEN I REACT TO IT. Still, even a small one would not be ok.

Hubs: Yes, but pure breeds don’t shed.

Me: Yes, they do. And they still have dander-which means I’m still allergic. Besides the fact that we do not have the extra money to purchase a pure bred dog for trial run.

Hubs: Sometimes you can find them for free.

Me: No you can’t. People don’t give away pure breeds for free. Even if I wasn’t allergic, the thought of a dog shitting on my carpet, tearing up my house-can’t have it. Do you know what I’d do to it? I’d kill it. I’d go to jail for animal cruelty.

Hubs: I’m just gonna bring one home someday.

Me: . . .

THEN-two days later my daughter pulls this:

(Let me start this off by saying she just got her first job. She also just received her first paycheck.)

Kid: I want to get a little kitty with my money.

Me: I think there are better things to purchase with your money. You should save some. Also, I’m allergic.

Kid: I want a kitty mom. She could live at Grandma’s! I already asked Grandma and she said it was ok!

Me: [Insert mental cursing in the direction of my mother here] So you are going to spend your first paycheck ever to get a pet that you can’t keep?

Kid: Yes. I already bought a litterbox, litter, food and a poop scoop.

Me: @#($%&@_(#$@_!!!! DUDE! Seriously!?

Kid: Boy (the family name for her craptasic boy friend-Hubs and I can’t stand him—but that’s another blog post) and I are going kitty hunting tomorrow after school. I bought a newspaper.

Me: *eyeroll*

Side note: There’s a kitten closed up in my daughter’s room right now. I WANT to try to allow her to keep it. The kitty is too cute for words, seriously. Conveniently, my mother has not been able to come to our house, as previously agreed, to pick up the little ball of hair and death.

As I type this very blog post, I’m trying not to die. Do you see why it’s hard to dispel the conspiratorial thoughts that course though my brain? My entire family is trying to kill me. I’m sure of it.

EDIT: Blogger, WTF with the formatting crap?! I put spaces where I want them and returns where I need them and you don't seem to agree with me. Why is that?

Can't Undo This One...

2011-05-08T11:16:00.003-05:00

Most of you know that Hubs and I bought our first home last year, right about this time. I gotta say: I’m still in love with my house! I’m not in love with our heating and cooling bills-but that’s another blog post. We’ve been taking special care to pay our mortgage payment on time, and have even sent in extra payments. We figure we’d rather get a bit ahead than have extra money-so anytime there is extra we send it in.

So imagine my surprise when Hubs calls me Friday evening when I’m driving home from work and says that we each got a letter in the mail from our lender.

I dunno what the legal stuff is in regards to telling you who that lender might be. In the interest of not angering the powers that be--lets’ just say that the name rhymes with ~~Butt~~ Face.

Arriving home an hour later than usual, already having had a nasty day at work-I’m greeted with a nice little “Intent to Foreclose” notice.

Um….Wha?!

Now I should be honest and tell you that we get paper statements from them, but I don’t look at them. I file them away and rarely open them. I keep my own records of our payments and know where we are, what we owe, etc. So I guess this all could have been avoided by my opening those stupid statements. Also, by reading the fine print-but we’ll get to that later.

I immediately get out all of my records, pull up my bank records and grab the phone. The first customer service representative can barely speak English and won’t listen to a word I’m saying. After 45 minutes he attempts to connect me to his supervisor and accidentally hangs up on me. I call back, and surprise of all surprises-the same thing happens again. By this time, it’s really hard to be nice to the third person I get in touch with. Luckily, I didn’t have to stay on the phone with him for very long. I couldn’t understand a word ‘John’ was saying. I hung up and called back. Same story with ‘Martha’, the fourth person I got after wading though the automated bullshit once again. I hung up.

I had a smoke, yelled at the Hubs, slammed some doors and grabbed a glass of iced tea and settled down for a fifth call. This time, although the accent was thick-I could at least grasp the essence of what the girl was saying.

She couldn’t help me though, but I finally got transferred to a supervisor who-while was not a native English speaker-could help me.

She looked back though our entire payment history with me. I told her when we made payments, she told me when they received them.

Then we find the problem. All our extra payments had not been applied as payments. They had been assigned straight to the principal. Nearly TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS WORTH! Oh yeah-2effinggrand of payments were not counted as payments.

Whatthesweetbabyjesusfuck?!?!

Finally, she tells me this: Every time a partial payment (the extra I referred to earlier) had been made, it was applied to the principal. Also, once a payment has been made for the month, anything additional is applied to the principal. So, for instance-in February of this year I made two mortgage payments-only one was counted! When march rolled around I made our payment on the 6th instead of the 3rd, thinking that I was “ahead”….only ~~Butt~~ Face didn’t agree-so they took $40 of what I sent in and put that toward LATE FEES! Yeah, late fees. Through the life of our loan we had been charged over $250 in LATE FEES! That's a quarter of a payment that (had I opened the statements...) I didn't realize hadn't been applied!

Then we got into the discussion of our credit. ~~Butt~~ Face had been reporting late payments on our credit history for months! We had no idea that our credit history AND scores were being TRASHED, in essence, because we were ahead on our payments! I lost it. I went off, I yelled and cussed and nearly cried. There is no way to fix this one. You can’t go back and retract those bad reports, fixing our scores is impossible! Hubs and I had been discussing buying a car next year-we can’t do that now! What if we needed to apply for credit? What about things like jobs, career moves that check your credit?! She apologizes profusely and told me that while she couldn’t change it, she could send out a ‘retraction’ to the three big companies. This, she said, would show up on our records stating that the negative marks were not our fault and should not be counted. I accepted this offer, but let her know that while I appreciated this, it didn’t change the damage that had been done.

At the end of the call she tells me that she’d like extra time to analyze every single payment we’d made and make sure that every single penny we’d sent in was correctly accounted for. She asked to call me back on Monday and I agreed. She promised to provide me with letters, documentation and anything else she could to help mitigate the damage. She also told me that the only way to avoid another mess like this is to pay the exact amount on the exact date due. No more, no less, no extra. (Here's where that fine print thing comes in...)So much for trying to get ahead I guess.

You know the irony of the situation? Because of our now hosed credit scores, we can’t even refinance to get away from these douche bags.