Bridging the Distance

A Child's Innocent Embrace

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:21:00 +0000

The other day at work an old lady came to pay for her groceries, but she said to me that she didn't want the milk carton that she took 'coz she had taken the wrong one. Mind you that the milk section was at the back of the store, so I told her to just leave it at the cashier so that I could return it to the original place later on.

After serving a few more customers, there was nobody in line, so I took the milk carton and ran to the back of the store 'coz I didn't want the next customers to wait too long for me to get back. While running on the fourth aisle with the milk carton in my hand, I spotted a little girl in the middle. She was standing there in the middle of the aisle, halfway between me and where the rest of the milk was at the back of the store.

We locked our gaze at one point and we realized who it was we were looking at. She's this little girl who's been really friendly to me ever since we met at the store 1,5 years ago. Her parents are also very friendly and she has a little sister. At that time, her parents and little sister were near the milk section.

Anyway, when the little girl saw me, she smiled so widely and started RUNNING towards me with arms wide open...In my hurry, I couldn't break her heart. She probably thought that I was running towards her!!! (FYI: She did this once when they were at the store and she saw me from afar) So when we were close to each other, I stopped, knelt down, and gave her a hug.

I was a bit worried what her parents might think of me hugging her, but from the side of my eyes, I could see them turning around at us and laughing. Phew!!! She really made my day that day! :-D Before then, all we had ever exchanged were words and smiles and occasionally I gave them some candies he he...

Anyhow, here are some photos I took with my mobile camera (not such good quality), but anyway...

2nd pic: The sun peeping from behind the trees at around 2.30 pm yesterday. Felt marvelous to be able to see it again after such a long time!

3rd pic: The back of a hotel in Sodankylä.

4th pic: Very light pinkish sky.

3BT: Random Days

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:36:00 +0000

1. Hearing a female customer said, "Look! Your fave sweets are on sale!" to her hubby. And the hubby bought 12 packs of them. :-D What made me think it was beautiful was the fact that the wife was focused on what the hubby liked.

2. We've just booked a short trip to Vienna for our upcoming spring holiday (and after bargaining at work, I've finally gotten the permission to have the 6 days off).

3. Planning, browsing through the internet to find out what kind of fun things we can do there and daydreaming. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

4. Seeing an icicle hanging from the roof - plus funny-shaped snow.

5. Watching the lazy snow falling slowly from inside our kitchen window...the world felt hush hush and so serene...

6. Have been craving for KFC chicken for a while now and finally today I had time and energy to make some. They came out VERY VERY delicious. Yum...

7. Finding out already what hubby needs (to be his March birthday gift) and ordering it already while there're still winter sales ('coz what needs is a winter sweater). Plus finding a good deal on the sweater! :-D

8. Stealing hubby's warmth under the blanket at nights by putting my cold feet on his warm thigh. Ah, to feel the warmth of his body at night is just pure bliss...

9. Indonesian ear cleaning tool is THE BEST!!!

Random Pics

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 10:12:00 +0000

I haven't been taking as many pics lately, but here are some pics I took near Christmas and New Year...

1st pic: A pink rose with glitters...

2nd pic: A table for three on Christmas Eve.

3rd pic: The snowflake covered with snowflakes ha ha...

4th pic: R2 had to work hard cleaning the snow from the yard...

5th pic: You should click the pic to see it in a bigger version. Notice the marks on the snow?

6th pic: Those are a hare's tracks. :-D

7th pic: Spending New Year's Eve at MIL's place. :-D

Hope you enjoyed the pics, folks!

When Tragedy Strikes

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:17:00 +0000

*cross-posted with my infertility blog*

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death MUCH better than my infertility grief.

First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

glitter-graphics.com

When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life for a while though other people don't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's an ambiguous loss that sparks off disenfranchise grief (click on the link to read what it means) and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

At that time around our journey, I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about the cracks and holes created by infertility 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (involuntarily making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive. That realization also made me feel guilty for all the past wrong things I may have said to them.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had valid reasons to be grieving in the first place and I was denied the support that a grieving person needed. Thus the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not, the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

Side note: For those of you who want to know the list on what not to say to an infertile, here are some links:

What Not To Say to An Infertile
Infertility Etiquette

What helped the most was probably - after a long and twisted journey before coming to the decision so trust me, it wasn't easy to make a decision like this - surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us - and the fact that God has answered those prayers by giving us both a united voice in terms of what to do or not do and in time we could let go of that particular dream).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

glitter-graphics.com

3BT: Random Days

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:21:00 +0000

1. My Dad's funeral home services, cremation and the scattering of the ashes went fine and there were so many people coming to pay respect.

2. Seeing some white hair on hubby's beard and head.

3. When I told hubby that the white hair must be a sign of wisdom, he rolled his eyes and that made me laugh. :-D

4. Receiving a thick hard-cover book on Sodankylä from a dear customer (the same pappa who's given me plants/flowers 4 times already). BLESS him, BLESS him, BLESS him!!!

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5. Having a chance to give that pappa a box of chocolate the day before Christmas when the store was a little less busy.

6. Rereading some of my blog's old posts and being reminded of how far I've gone since then and how many wonderful people I've met through blogging.

7. Reminiscing on the many bittersweet memories that have shaped me since I moved to Finland. :-D

8. Can't help laughing so much every time I'm reminded of this scene in The Simpsons cartoon series:

Homer: Go get Lassie!
Bart: Who's Lassie?
Homer: Doh! I mean Lisa!

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL...

9. Hubby's sensitivity towards my mood and my needs. I wasn't feeling well the other day and he helped me coin my back and then spent time on the sofa (holding each other and talking) before I went to bed earlier than he did. He also spent so much time holding me and patting my back when I grieved my Dad's death.

10. Time and time again I can't help feeling grateful that hubby very rarely complains about anything at all. How nice it is not to hear complaints from someone who lives with you!

11. Still time and time again I feel blessed to have a hubby who doesn't get caught up in my mood easily, so every time I'm in a bad, cranky mood, he makes it easier for me to control myself. He is even creative enough to make me laugh when I'm that way.

12. For having a hubby who's never played rough on me, who's never belittled me, who's never told me what to do, who's never given me unsolicited advice.

13. Those people who just know the right things to say and who say them in times of need. BLESS them!

14. Buying MIL some flowers that I had never seen before and then hearing her say, "I've been wanting to get these myself when I saw the ad!" :-D

15. Reading a book while "doing my thing" in the toilet is a bliss. Plus the toilet is warm enough in winter.

Reminiscining Dad...

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:20:00 +0000

I've been feeling unwell the past few days and finally I start feeling like human again now. Called Mom today (the first time I talked to her after Dad's passing) and there are just some things that made me choke and cry...I'm writing them here more for my own sake...so that I'll never forget...

1. While Dad was being taken to the car during the heart attack to go to the hospital, he was screaming in pain and one neighbour kid heard it and told her Mom, "Look, Opa's screaming, Mom!" But at that time her Mom was too busy to pay attention (it didn't help that it was raining so hard that day and it made everybody else stay inside).

The next day, when they heard about my Dad's passing, the little girl broke out in tears and said, "See, Mom? I told you that there was something wrong with opa yesterday. Now there'll be nobody else who's going to greet me every day."

I don't know this particular girl, but it seems that every day when Dad went out to play chess somewhere, he passed by their house and he always greeted her.

When I heard this story, I wanted to yell to heaven, "See, Dad, how many lives you've touched?" And I could feel him smiling from up there...

2. Earlier that day he said to Mom, "I prayed for Ken (bro's son) so that he'll get healthy. You know, I've had a wonderful life and everything I've ever wished for. Our kids are both married and they're good kids."

THANK YOU, Dad, THANK YOU
for all the memories...
I'll make sure your legacy lives on in us...

The Year Started With A Bang (read: Dad's Death)

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 15:34:00 +0000

Today I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.

The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.

Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.

glitter-graphics.com

The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.

When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.

It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.

I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.

Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...

P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.

Say What You Want

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 10:37:00 +0000

Back when I was young, I used to think that if people cared enough about me, they should have known what I expected/wished for even when I didn't say a word about it. Boy I was in for a lot of disappointment hi hi...

Since the moment I realized how big of a mistake that was, I've learnt to say out right what I want. It's a long journey, but as time goes by it gets easier and easier to do so. Before my last birthday, I had told R2 that I wanted him to write me a love letter. He grumbled and didn't seem interested at all, but he surprised me by writing me a love email on my birthday anyway (which made me cry tears of joy and I printed).

Now I'm a firm believer of saying what I want in order to create a win-win situation. Some people may think it's "not fun" to do in a relationship, but for me it's the other way around. I don't want R2 to have to guess what I want and then after spending money and thoughts on getting the gift, he'll still have to deal with my disappointment. Life is already filled with problems, so why make life even harder?

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate or need or give surprises (and I'm not saying that R2 never gives me surprises). That's not it. But for important things that I want or need, I'd rather just tell the other person rather than wishing for it secretly.

Anyhow, let me translate his love letter (it's written in Finnish) just because I'm feeling nostalgic...

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Happy birthday, my love!

We've been together now for almost 5 years and our 5th wedding anniversary is behind us. I can honestly say that I have never regretted our decision to lead a life together.

If I had to live my life all over again after knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change anything, because if I changed something then I may not end up living with you. Even though there are things in my life that I'd want to change, choices that I wouldn't have chosen otherwise, I would still choose the same things to make sure that I end up with you anyway, because I don't want to be anywhere else but beside you even at this very moment.

I love you. Maybe I don't show it as often as I should and maybe at times I grumble at you, but you're not the reason why I grumble. The biggest reason I grumble is stress from work. Work always gets in the way of enjoying my spare time. That is why I always want to get as far away from here as possible whenever I have longer holidays. I want to forget everything about work issues so that I can focus more on being with you.

The thought of a life without you makes me feel terribly sad. Life won't be life anymore. Home won't be a home anymore, because you're my home and I always miss you whenever I'm somewhere else. I miss you when you're at work and I'm at home alone. Even watching TV is boring without you next to me.

Thank you for being the biggest part of my life.
Thank you for being you.
I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Eternally yours,

Arttu

Nostalgic Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:34:00 +0000

The tender hold of his hand
Every time we watch something together
The loud noises his belly makes
When I press my ear right above it
The bliss I feel when we nap together

The warm comfort of his embrace
Telling me how safe I am
That I am home sweet home

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The way he makes faces,
The crazy song lyrics he makes up,
The sound of his voice,
His laughter, his giggle, his snore...

The shape of his eyes, lips,
Face, eyebrows, legs, feet...
They make me smile
And make me long for more...

I thank God for another year together...
Wishing for many more to come
Because I can't imagine life without him.

And deep in our innermost chambers of wishes,
If we can have just one more wish:
That is at the end of our days
He'd take us both together
From here on to eternity...

glitter-graphics.com

3BT: Random Days

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 10:26:00 +0000

1. Tickling hubby's bald patch and then scratching it and hearing him sigh in relief HI HI...

2. A regular customer asked, "Why do you always look happy?" ---> GLAD to know he thinks that way, he notices it, and he mentioned it to me. :-D

3. I managed to control myself during a certain occasion after having been forced to do a drastic measure.

4. I was taking out three shopping carts out of the store when a customer who was about to come in offered me some help, though I didn't ask for any help. Thankful for this person's helpful spirit!

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5. Having an opportunity to make a snowman and having fun making it.

6. Yesterday the thoughtful grandpa who had given me flowers a few times already in the past gave me a pot of pointsettia. BLESS HIM!!!

7. The store I'm working for has been getting more and more customers near Christmas (I think even more than last year's busy season), so I'm happy to know that business is going well.

8. This conversation with a coworker:

Cw: So, how are you going to spend your Christmas?
Me: Nothing much. Just spending time with my MIL.
Cw: (grimacing in sympathy) Oh...
Me: (quickly correcting her) NO NO NO NO NO...it's actually REALLY nice to spend time with her!
Cw: Oh, so you have a nice MIL.
Me: Not just nice, but she's like my own mother.
Cw: (relieved) Ahhhhh, I see...

The convo made me feel that she had heard too many bad stories about in-laws and thankful to have such a MIL.

9. Seeing reindeer tracks on the yard after it had snowed so much. I could just imagine it trailing across our yard at one point in time.

10. Accidentally opening up another Christmas gift for me which came through the mailbox (I thought it was hubby's order for himself) because it meant I still had time to find another gift for him, too (which came by mail yesterday!). Phew! That was close!

11. Trustworthy, reliable friends whom I can count on, including those I've never met in real life.

Life's But A Fleeting Shadow

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:12:00 +0000

In shock here. Through Facebook I just found out that an ex High School friend passed away 2 days ago. I found out through another friend's wall post about this, so I went to the deceased's Facebook profile and read that 2 days ago the wife had put the notice on his wall. What really went through my heart was seeing a pic of his baby on the profile pic. That baby's picture was uploaded in October, so you can imagine that it's still such a small child.

This ex school friend of mine is 34 years old and until now I have no idea why he died. I was never close to him at school, but I remember him clearly. While I was browsing through his pics, I saw his prewedding photos and I couldn't help thinking, "You go through life not knowing what'll happen next. You find your spouse, get married, and plan for the future, though each day may be your last."

Many times over I get a reminder of how precious life is, how we should cherish each moment we have with our loved ones. I pray that God comforts all the bereaved in the world and I hope that the bereaved let themselves feel God's comfort and not close themselves up in their pain and grief.

On an altogether different note, I've been so busy at work 'coz two people quit this month and then another coworker got sick last week and another one got sick this week, so it's been kinda crazy. I hope nobody else gets sick. Today is also a busy day for me 'coz I have to do so many things. So far I've baked 2 cakes, cooked some food, clean up some snow from the yard (R2 did most yesterday but there's still some left), and now I need to clean up the house 'coz I won't have time anymore later on.

So, if I don't blog until after Christmas, I just wanna wish you all:

Online Social Media + Snowman

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 10:39:00 +0000

Yesterday I was reading posts about online social media, particularly F-b.ook. I must say that I have a love-and-hate relationship with it. There were times when I was thinking of quitting it completely, but it's hard nowadays 'coz I've got a mixture of people in my list already and now I've joined an online Finnish group where I can ask anything to the teacher and get to know other people who are learning Finnish from around the world.

Besides that, it's a really good place to get in touch with old school friends and nowadays my closest friends use it to put their travel pictures and other pictures as well - it's easier sharing pictures that way compared to sending them via emails 'coz some of us live in a place where the internet connection isn't so reliable and fast. It's also a good place to try and sell things to your friends and to ask for opinions on something (provided that your friends are active).

But other than the good sides, sometimes I feel that browsing through F-b.ook is like being a Peeping Tom. There are some people who share too much and sometimes when you least expect it, you get to read those things and it feels as if you were suddenly transported into the person's underwear closet and you're shown all the kinds of "dirty laundry" that you don't even wish to see.

Of course you can hide that person's newsfeed once you find out that the person loves sharing too much info, but then again there are still so many other complications that can occur by spending time in online social medias, such as being unfriended by someone or unfriending someone, the urge to ask the person what you did wrong after being unfriended, the lingering question whether you should explain to the person you're going to unfriend why you want to do that, the temptation to "peek into" other people's lives, the thin line between sharing and showing off, etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, enough about this...the other day I made another snowman 'coz the temperature was 0'C and the snow was wet enough to make one. The pictures were taken at around 3.30 pm.

First pic: taken with a flash.

2nd pic: Taken without flash.

3rd pic: Taken without flash from a different angle.

On Citizenship

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 10:25:00 +0000

The other day I got talking to some friends and it gave me an idea to write about this topic. One of them has also got a Finnish citizenship, but she said that it felt weird saying to people, "I'm a Finnish citizen" because she felt that her roots were in her home country. She said she had heard other expats saying those words without any emotional attachment whatsoever to her home country. Another friend told me that her mother would be so sad if she had opted to have a Finnish citizenship.

That made me think about me. Some people may think that it's so easy for me to let go of my Indonesian citizenship (Indonesian government won't accept dual citizenship, by the way - otherwise I'd have kept it, too). For me, a citizenship is just a citizenship. It doesn't mean I'm denying who I am.

Additional note: I don't want to give the wrong idea with this post, so just wanna add here that it WAS easy for me to let go of my Indonesian citizenship due to the reasons I've written in this post. Plus another practical reason is that having Finnish passport enables me to travel more easily compared to having an Indonesian passport.

Maybe one thing that is different from me and that friend whose roots were in her home country is that even though I was born and raised in Indonesia, but I know that some people there would still tell me that I'm a non-native Indonesian. I'm Chinese by heritage, but the Chinese government and people won't accept me as one of their own because I don't speak their language, I don't even know how life is over there, and I have NEVER been there, either.

That said, it's actually helped me a lot when I moved to Finland because I'm used to being a "non-native". I may never be a full-blown Finnish or Indonesian or Chinese woman, but that doesn't matter. I'm a citizen of the world and I love living here. Period. :-D

Anyhow, here are some pictures I've taken lately:

My first snow angel ever ha ha ha...The head looks weirdly small for the body and wings HA HA HA...

Doesn't the snow look so fluffy and soft? :-D

Not a really good pic, but I just wanna show the pink sky the other day:

Dad's Past

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:56:00 +0000

Dad never finished education at the university. He's the second child out of six and he had to quit studying at the uni to help out feed the family. My grandpa's business collapsed and then he died and my grandma couldn't do anything much with the family's finance. Out of the six children, only the youngest one finished his education at the university.

For years Dad worked as a bookkeeper in a bread company and then he moved to a private-owned business. After years of earning his bread there, he quit (I don't remember anymore why, but I guess the situation got bad enough for him to want to quit) and the boss' wife told him, "You're not going to be a successful man. You're too honest."

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Dad got so pumped up hearing that. From that day on, he worked as best as he could and still kept his honesty and integrity intact. What is success anyway? For me, my Dad IS a successful man because he's kept his honesty and integrity intact wherever he works. He's managed to send two children off to the university without tricking anybody out to get "rich". He's always so careful with money and budgeting, so he never got us in trouble with any of his decisions.

Here I am now, thinking that it's such a shame that in this world, there're people who think that being honest in one's dealings means that one will never be successful.

3BT: Random Days

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 18:09:00 +0000

1. An old woman looking so happily surprised to see me at work. She said, "Oh, I haven't seen you in a long time. I'm GLAD you're still working!" ---> Honestly I don't even remember her, but I'm HAPPY to hear that she's SO happy to know that I'm still working in the same place. :-D

2. Free youtube exercise video clips. They really help me in doing different types of exercises when I'm bored with the exercise routines I've been doing.

3. Fast and reliable internet access that enables me to watch those said youtube video clips.

4. Receiving this lovely homemade Christmas decoration present from a friend.

5. More snowwwww!!! And the weekly temperature forecast showing below 0'C even during the day! :-D

6. Watching two squirrels playing in and around the branches of a tree.

7. Cleaning up the snow from the yard. There's something so serene about doing that in the middle of Winter Wonderland.

8. Lovely lovemaking - plus the fact that hubby just knows what to do TENDERLY! :-D

9. Watching "While You Were Sleeping" again that made me feel mushy mushy inside. :-D

10. Hubby buying pizza so that I didn't have to cook he he he he...It's nice not having to cook sometimes. :-D

11. Putting up Christmas lights. (Yep, the picture below #7 is the close-up look of the Christmas lights below)

What A Luxury!

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 13:13:00 +0000

Spent the night at MIL's house 'coz R2 had to go to Rovaniemi for 2 days, so after work on Saturday I went straight there. We played cards, had sauna, and we had some serious talk as well about different topics.

All of a sudden she started talking about the past and FIL then started crying. And she made my eyes wet as well. After spending so much time taking care of the kids, farm, cows, her own mother and then her own in-laws, she had wanted to enjoy the rest of her life with her hubby.

Now that my FIL has been taken to an old people's house, she can't even enjoy that luxury anymore. Not that she doesn't want to. She said that she was still thinking if she could still take him back home, but she can't do it on her own and she can't afford having someone to live with them to help her take care of him. You see, the other week she visited FIL and then FIL said that he felt like he was nothing, a nobody. I almost wished that he would lose more consciousness so that he wouldn't think about anything like this anymore, you know? But then I wonder if that's such a great wish...sigh...

Anyway, the other week MIL sprained her arm and then last week she sprained her leg and she realized that she had to accept reality. Due to the arm and leg sprains, she hadn't been out for a few days and when we visited FIL yesterday (together with R2), the nurse said that he had eaten very little that day. Both the nurse and MIL were wondering if he didn't want to eat properly 'coz of longing. MIL brought some bread and homemade salted salmon filet, bananas, and also yoghurt and so we waited for FIL to eat them all (he could still hold bread and bananas himself, but MIL fed him the yoghurt). And he did eat them all with gusto, I must say.

Then MIL told FIL that she had to go for almost a week to Rovaniemi 'coz they have this program for the elderly that offers exercise program and it's good for her to be able to join this kind of activity. And after FIL heard that, his eyes became wet and I almost wanted to cry...I left the room to give MIL and FIL some time for themselves and R2 also left the room, as well. It was just heartbreaking...Wish I could do more for MIL and FIL, but there's only so much one person can do...

Sniff, sniff...anyway, last night when we went back home, it hit me with a different force than before how luxurious it is for me and R2 to be able to live together under the same roof, to be able to give and take, to be able to enjoy life together. How much we take for granted the life that we have together, every single day...each breath we take, each step we take...day in, day out...how precious those moments are...how much more I should cherish these moments while they last...

This is the promise I hold dear...

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3BT: Random Days

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:44:00 +0000

1. Getting the best bday present ever from hubby: A LOVE LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or to be exact a love email he he...which I printed and reread. It made me cry today when I woke up and checked my mailbox he he...It was everything I could have hoped for in a love letter - and more! Oh, and it's in Finnish! :-D

2. A friend dropped by and brought a doughnut and a small candle and we had a nice chat over coffee and doughnuts. And she brought me a homemade gift and card as well! BLESS HER!!! What a perfect day!

3. A customer who had the initiative to take out somebody else's shopping cart that had been left inside the store to the place where it belonged.

4. Understanding and thoughtful parents and in-laws that don't ask or push us about giving them any grandkids once I explained to them our decision that two is a complete family and that we don't wish to try any treatment or anything else. They respect our decision fully.

5. Patient people that come along my way (including dear hubby).

6. People that don't take me to any unnecessary guilt trips about any topics at all (including parents, in-laws, and hubby).

7. My family have been enjoying their trip to Bali with SIL's family.

8. My Mom and Ken got sick "at the right time", so they were fine already before they were supposed to fly to Bali. That way they got to enjoy the trip fully.

9. Gorgeous pink sky.

Early Birthday Cabin Trip

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 11:43:00 +0000

Last Friday we went to the cabin again 'coz this weekend R2 has to go to the city to have pre-Christmas office party. What was great about last Friday was that in the morning it was really gloomy and SUPER dark 'coz almost all the snow had melted. However, starting at around 2 pm it started snowing hard and it was rather windy, as well. A bit like a small snowstorm. It was great, though!!! The temperature's still very mild compared to previous years...

By the time we arrived at the cabin at around 4 pm, it was already Winter Wonderland. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!! It was too dark to take pics then, though, so I only took some pics on Saturday morning. Here goes...

Question: How many ladders would it take to go up on the roof of the sauna?
Answer: Apparently four!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA...

I decided to play with the pic below so that it looked like I was going to go to the Gate of Light ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Last pic: Baby's POV hi hi hi...

I took the pics of me using my beloved tripod:

It's very light and handy, so it's easy to bring anywhere. I mostly just bent and wrapped the legs around a tree bark or branch he he he...

Daydreams: A Blast from An Old Post

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:52:00 +0000

I was just browsing through some old posts and I found out that this time 4 years ago (before my Finnish was still pretty basic), I wrote some daydreams.

In the post, I wrote about 10 years from then (which would be 2017), but why not talk about some of it now already?

1. Ability to communicate pretty well with my in-laws? Check.

2. Kids? Nope. Scratch that. Doesn't matter anymore. Two is a complete family. ---> Daydream change.

3. Finnish citizenship? Check.

4. Living in a bigger apartment? We have our own house now (which is beyond belief 'coz I didn't even dare dream of having our own house). HALLELUJAH!!!

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5. Steady income? THANK GOD for His amazing ways in closing the door towards doing any more training and opening this door for me to get a permanent job (any foreigner living here would attest to how difficult it is to get a permanent job in this village). His perfect timing is just simply unfathomable - life is to be understood backwards is an understatement!!! :-D

6. Visiting my parents at least once? Check. In fact, I've visited my parents THREE times since then (R2 has come with me twice to Indo).

7. Growing book collection? Check. (At that time I only brought 12 books with me from Indo from my own book collection and now I have dozens and dozens of 'em)

8. Wonderful relationship with hubby? Check - it's a lifetime process, so I can only try to do my best, though I have to say that infertility has brought us closer together instead of ripping us apart and I'm OH SO glad we're always on the same page concerning our infertility journey. :-D

9. Feeding my inner child, staying positive and enthusiastic, cherishing the good things in life, counting my blessings? Lifetime process, but I think I haven't fallen out of this course he he...

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10. Still have blogging friends and still have time to blog? Check.

11. Spreading sunshine and laughter? Lifetime process again, but I also think I haven't fallen out of this course, either. :-D

Conclusion: You can't always get what you want in life, but sometimes in other aspects of life, you get even MORE than you "deserve" or dream of and there are times when you have to change your daydreams. Blessings have been pouring out to our lives in ways that we could never have imagined...and all praise belongs to God.

HALLELUJAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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3BT: Random Days

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 10:08:00 +0000

1. Hubby lighting up the porch light for me whenever I have an evening shift so that it's easy for me to see in the dark when I get back home ('coz we get less and less daylight here).

2. SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! It arrived very late this year, but I'm SO happy to see it anyhow.

3. Snowy trees looking so hush hush when the temperature gets colder than -10'C. They look so beautiful. :-D

4. Saying something to two ladies that made them laugh - and in turn their laughter made me laugh, too!

5. Watching a funny JibJab video clip and then creating a similar one with our photos in it and laughing so much 'coz of it.

6. Plenty of belly laughs for no really funny reasons - the kind of laugh that makes your belly muscles ache and your belly fat jiggles up and down ---> Note: Sometimes when I'm really tired, I don't get cranky - but any little thing can make me laugh hysterically like that. :-D

7. Riding my bike in Winter Wonderland is quite a feeling.

8. Getting a little exercise by shoveling the snow in the yard. There's not too much yet, but I just need to clear up some snow to make it safer for me to ride my bike home at nights.

9. Waving to a customer who was in his car when I went past him by bike and he waved back at me with such a huge smile on his face. It's kinda weirdly nice to be friendly to people whose names I don't even know!!! But it doesn't really matter 'coz what matters most is that they're smiling back at me! :-D

Reinventing Myself

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 11:01:00 +0000

This post below was written as a draft ages ago, but for some reason I never got to complete it and I didn't publish it, either he he...Here goes, with some additional notes...

Moving to a village in Finland has enabled me to - in a way - reinvent myself. What I mean by reinventing myself is that nobody knows my background. Nobody knows anything much about Indonesia nor what it's like to live there. Nobody knows my family. Nobody knows my family's "social strata". Nobody knows what kind of job I had beforehand and nobody has expectations for me.

It's kinda liberating, you know? I feel like so much weight is off my back. :-D Back in Indo, other people have given me different labels, but when I moved to Finland, I started my life with a blank sheet of canvas again.

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And because of the social system differences, I can be whatever I want to be without feeling that some jobs are "less than" others. Back in Indo, certain jobs are considered "less inviting" due to many different factors (mostly financial factor), whereas here in Finland no matter what kind of job you do, it doesn't matter 'coz the standard of income (among other things) is already set.

It's also liberating to know that even when you change a job here, you don't have to "suffer miserably financially" the way it'd happen in Indo. I mean, in Indo if you start all over again in a different field, you're bound to get "yucky income" and it's a no-no especially if you have kids. After all, in Indo good education that'd allow them to go to good universities that would enable them to get good jobs with good income levels is very pricy these days.

Another thing that makes me feel liberated by living here is the lack of many pressures that exist in Indo (click the link to read further info). Even though sometimes a few Finnish people (whom I don't know well) ask me whether I have kids or not, upon hearing the answer they won't continue probing about my menstrual period the way my Indo neighbour did nor ask any questions whether or not we intend to adopt nor would they give me advice about trying this and that or going to that and this gyno.

One particular "freedom" I've enjoyed thoroughly is the lack of expectation from other people from me. I can start my life from scratch and try out new jobs or training places with very little knowledge of those jobs and in doing so I've learnt so many new things. Moving to Finland has been the greatest adventure I've ever done in my life, especially for someone who "always plays it safe" like me. :-D

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Longing for Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 07:20:00 +0000

I haven't been blogging not due to the lack of inspiration. In fact, I've had so many different thoughts rumbling in my brain for the past few weeks, but I haven't really got any "Eureka" moments yet, so if I write them down, they're gonna sound like a rambling babble...but anyhow, let me just share one part of them anyhow.

Last Sunday was Father's Day in Finland, so all the stores were closed here in this small village (in some big cities some stores were open). Hubby and I went to MIL's place and together we brought cake for FIL at the old people's house. Unfortunately they had recently moved FIL to a different location 'coz they are renovating the building where he lived before and the renovation will take 2 years to complete. I said "unfortunately" because this new place wasn't build to be an old people's house, so it's lacking many essential things.

The day they moved some of the patients there (yeah, not all the patients were moved there, just some), my MIL went to the new place and she was shocked to see that there weren't even beds yet, so the patients were strapped into their wheelchairs (they were wheelchair-bound patients) and they were just sitting there for a long time. I have no idea what happened, but MIL said that the move seemed to be done in such a hurry that they didn't have time to do anything else in terms of preparation in the new facilities.

This new facility is a 2-bedroom house filled with 4 patients with a small kitchen and a dining area. In the previous facility, FIL had his own room - now he shares a room with another patient (during this renovation, they've reduced the fee to 50% of the monthly fee). Two of the patients had brought their TV there, but they didn't work. This new area requires a different kind of TV, so MIL is thinking of buying one for FIL, 'coz otherwise it's going to be boring there. In the old facility, there was a big common room area where patients could sit and talk and watch TV together, but now at least for someone like FIL, he only has the nurses and 3 other patients to talk to.

Anyhow, when we arrived, FIL was still asleep after lunch (we went there when it was time for coffee break) and the other 3 patients were sitting in the dining area. Turned out that they served Father's Day cake there in the new facility, so we didn't even cut the cake that MIL had bought. It took a few minutes to wake FIL up because he was so tired - the nurse said he had been really active in the morning, so it may be the reason why he was sleeping so soundly.

MIL then adjusted the bed to sitting position and fed him cake, helped him drink coffee, and then gave him a banana to make sure he was full enough before dinner. Then MIL got to chat a little with the 3 other patients and asked if anybody had come to visit them (they were all male). One of them answered no. I felt sad. How tough it must've been to know that your fellow housemates got visitors on Father's Day, but nobody came to visit you?

FIL looked fine, by the way - as fine as you can be when your Alzheimer's has robbed you of a good part of your memory bank. Before we visited FIL, my BIL who lived down south called and asked how FIL was doing. MIL said that she felt that the new place wasn't good at all for the patients' well-being and that she wouldn't be surprised if someone died of a broken heart. And she was also wondering if FIL was crying inside...She'd love to have him back in the apartment if she could afford paying for a daily nurse to help her take care of him, but she can't afford it. And she can't possibly take care of him on her own anymore.

It made me think that it's harder on the patients who are still "on earth" so much than those who don't really remember or realize anything anymore. I mean, their brains are still working pretty well even though their bodies have failed them. If I am ever in that kind of position, I don't know if I will be able to surrender peacefully to what I can no longer do. Yesterday it just hit me when I saw FIL there...what should I pray for him about? The only thing I could think of was "May God's grace, mercy, and peace be with him always." On the other hand, seeing him and the other patients makes me think of how unimportant so many things on earth that we deem "important" are. How trivial they are in stark contrast to what the patients need.

And this makes me long for heaven...There are other things that's made me long for heaven these days, but that'll require another long, winding post. I long for a place where we're stripped bare of our possessions, titles, labels, achievements...I long for a place where we're no longer caught up with this thing called "life".

The Midnight Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 10:12:00 +0000

Me: Did you ever feel like leaving me during our marriage?
R2: No, but I did feel like leaving the house sometimes.
Me: What do you mean?
R2: Sometimes when you get cranky I feel like I want to leave the house until you calm down.
Me: Then why didn't you ever leave the house when I got cranky?
R2: Because I'm gonna miss you.

MELT MELT MELT MELT MELTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT...:-D

Me: Did you ever get REALLY angry at me?
R2: Nope.
Me: Not even a little angry, ever?
R2: Nope.
Me: But I must've made you annoyed sometimes, right?
R2: Yeah, sometimes.
Me: HA HA HA HA HA...Okay, I can live with that. :-D

It's true that when I get cranky, I can get REALLY cranky, especially when I get too tired and I lack sleep and then PMS strikes and there are some things in life that go wrong for me he he he he...but because of his calm nature, because he never snaps at me when I get cranky, it's easier for me to want to control myself as best as I can when I do get cranky. And for that I'm SO THANKFUL.

Anyhow, yesterday just as the sun was about to set, I looked outside and saw a full moon and pinkish sky, so I quickly changed my clothes and rode my bike to the riverside to take some pics. Enjoy the pics!!! The temperature was about -1'C and yeah, there's no snow yet but there's some frost on the ground.

Unfortunately the pic with the full moon and pink sky didn't come out too well and by the time I took more pics, it was already getting darker, but anyhow enjoy the good pics he he...You can click on each pic to see a bigger view.

1st pic: As you can see, in this pic the sky was still pinkish ha ha ha...More often than not, the river's water isn't that calm, so only on some occasion when it's very still then you can enjoy this mirror-like feature of the river. It definitely has a calming effect on me. :-D

2nd pic: The other side of the river...yep, getting darker already...

3rd pic: A shot of the full moon from a different angle.

Last pic: I cropped out the previous pic to show the moon more clearly.

Some Fave Videos Lately

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 10:31:00 +0000

I've been watching X-Factor USA and I have some fave singers...Josh Krajcik is one of them. I REALLY REALLY love his voice and his soul when he sings...enjoy these songs:

5th Wedding Anniversary Cabin Trip

noreply@blogger.com (Amel) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 13:54:00 +0000

The cabin trip was done earlier than this weekend 'coz R2 could take some time off from work due to the accumulated overtime he'd done. So he picked me up after work on Thursday already and we left to the cabin. It was such a foggy day that day. I had hoped for snow, but there was none yet. It did snow very very lightly during the eve, but not enough to cover the ground near the cabin area.

Last year we had an early anniversary cabin trip on the last weekend in October and look at how much snow there was already at that time.

So this time due to the foggy cloudy weather, I didn't even take pictures of the surrounding cabin area except for two pics, which I'll show later.

Anyhow, it was still a very lovely cabin trip no matter what. We had sauna, we had great food, we enjoyed being together...and this time I took an accidental "ghost" photo of myself hi hi hi...take a look! I REALLY love this pic 'coz in my eye, it looks romantic, though some people have stated in FB that it looks scary HA HA HA HA HA HA...

I was playing with the aperture setting on my camera and accidentally "removed" myself too fast from that position, so I appeared that way hi hi...After that, we had fun trying to take other "ghost" pictures ha ha ha...for example, here's one where R2 became a ghost:

I also took one photo where it seemed I was going to strangle R2, but I dare not upload it here in case my blog readers get too shocked. Let it just rest as a fun experimental photo in my HD HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

After that, the next morning I tried lighting up the fire in the fireplace on my own (R2 was still too sleepy to do so). Mind you that when we arrived at the cabin, the outside temperature was -1'C and the temperature inside the cabin was 3'C. We managed to get the temperature up to 20'C during the night, but after we got to bed the temperature went down, so in the morning I had to make fire again so that I could make coffee for us.

Here's a pic of the fireplace and I took a pic when R2 was preparing some burgers for us (while the fire is burning, we can put a kettle on top of the stove to boil some water to make instant coffee 'coz there's no electricity there so we can only make instant coffee):

Before leaving the cabin, I took these two pics below: the car windshield and a view of outside from inside the car (with the frosty windshield). Very bleak, eh? But my mood was at least so romantic and relaxed ha ha...

After the cabin trip, we bought a cake from a supermarket and visited my MIL. And now we're enjoying a LOOOONNNGGG weekend together. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Wish you all a blessed, fun-filled weekend as well! :-D