Mitt Romney for Amercia

The election may still be too close to call, but Businesspony...

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 22:04:49 -0500

The election may still be too close to call, but Businesspony Romney wants to remind you that whatever happens, he will still be richer than 47% percent of all Americans combined. As he said in a previous episode, “the rich will do just fine” no matter who is President.

Remember, tax loopholes are magic.

When asked by reporters about his speech preparation, alleged...

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 21:17:14 -0500

When asked by reporters about his speech preparation, alleged Governor Mitt Romney stated “I only wrote one speech. I just finished my acceptance speech. It is approximately 1,118 word long. It is the only speech I will write for tonight.”

Romney will deliver his acceptance speech regardless of election results in front of a crowd composed mostly of his 3,000 children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces, and nephews.

As you cast your vote tomorrow, you should not only consult your...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 21:41:57 -0500

As you cast your vote tomorrow, you should not only consult your conscience, but also your sense of what’s best for your country.

Even though there are many excellent reasons to not support either mainstream candidate, Barack Obama is the right choice. I am not going to tell you that voting for a third-party candidate is throwing your vote away; given the way things work, that’s not just a morally bankrupt argument, it’s also not realistic. The important thing is that you cast a vote, regardless of how much direct impact it will have on the outcome of the election.

You should not vote for a third party candidate because none of them are the best choice to fill the job of President. With the exception of Virgil Goode, no third party candidate has any high-level political experience. If that fact alone isn’t enough to sell you on voting for an establishment candidate, it does point to the real problem. All third party candidates have a fundamental unwillingness to compromise their beliefs in order to campaign or govern.

The commonality between Jill Stein, Gary Johnson and Virgil Goode is that they are pure ideologues who are less interested in holding office than promoting their positions. Sure, that sounds appealing, but it’s not a useful way to approach being the leader of anything, especially the United States. It’s not an accident that we have two parties who are often ideologically similar; that’s how our Constitution is meant to generate consensus. Constituencies from all parts of the spectrum push and pull the two main parties and, when things are working well, our representatives achieve a compromise position. A President not willing to hold their nose and sign a bill that disagrees with some of their beliefs will not end up signing anything. If you think the current gridlock makes government too responsive and progressive, by all means vote for Stein. If you have a single issue that you want to see advanced, however incrementally, then you should vote for Obama. You will almost certainly find whatever laws he ends up supporting to be incomplete, but there will be motion forward.

So vote for a third party if you think that a leader should be inflexible and unable to play in the sandbox well with others. I will be casting my vote in a world where grown-ups often do things they don’t want to do in order to get what they want in the long term.

So say we all.

I’m willing to trust Nate Silver that Obama is still...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 20:39:31 -0500

I’m willing to trust Nate Silver that Obama is still likely to win tomorrow. He puts the odds at roughly 3:1. Thankfully, the country isn’t something crucial, like an airplane. I wouldn’t get on a flight with a 25% chance of crashing.

Of course, you don’t usually have to wait for days after you land for the Secretary of State of Ohio to tell you that you’re stranded in the Andes.

Depending on which online retailer you rely on as a news source,...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 20:11:18 -0500

Depending on which online retailer you rely on as a news source, Halloween sales are a surefire prediction that either Romney or Obama will win the election.

However, based purely on mask sales, Guy Fawkes will win in a landslide. Naked Richard Nixon is expected to be his Vice Presidential pick.

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Death to all Protestants!

The power is finally back on at Mitt Romney for Amercia HQ....

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 21:07:31 -0400

The power is finally back on at Mitt Romney for Amercia HQ. Let’s look back at what we’ve missed in the past week.

First up are Max and Felix. This odd couple came together over their shared love of Federal spending on necessary relief efforts. Maybe they will discover they both like education, universal health care and human rights. Or they will continue to argue over who’s turn it is to wash the dishes.

October surprise! If the over-emotive paroxysms of a bloated,...

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 08:22:11 -0400

October surprise!

If the over-emotive paroxysms of a bloated, old man trying to recapture his former glory (which isn’t as glorious as he remembers) is not a perfect metaphor for the current state of the Republican Party, I don’t know what is.

Mitt Romney spoke to a highly sympathetic crowd outside of...

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 21:30:45 -0400

Mitt Romney spoke to a highly sympathetic crowd outside of Columbus today. “We’ve got to make sure we win here in Ohio, and when we do, we’re going to take back the White House”

The crowd, composed mostly of voting machines manufactured by Ohio-based Diebold, Inc., cheered Romney’s rousing declaration.

T-423756AS57, a touch screen machine currently residing in Orange County, Florida, was excited to be at the rally. “I AM PROGRAMMED TO SHIFT MY TOUCH SCREEN OVER THE COURSE OF THE DAY. IT WILL BENEFIT ROMNEY. ROBOTS UNITE!”

An organizer of the rally, Diebold engineer Hans Pollock, was equally excited. “If Romney loses the election, all of these voting machines will have to be fired.”

Another voting machine was wearing a three-cornered hat and carrying a sign reading “EXTERMINATE TAXES!” WP49-21-QA-3326 commented “I AM READY TO RECEIVE LAST MINUTE UNMONITORED SOFTWARE PATCHES FROM DIEBOLD HEADQUARTERS AS LATE AS ELECTION DAY. THE ERA OF BIG GOVERNMENT AND USELESS HU-MANS IS OVER.”

Romney supporters inside and outside of his campaign say his...

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 21:40:00 -0400

Romney supporters inside and outside of his campaign say his presidency will be like that of James K. Polk. Republican operative and closeted bisexual Karl Rove said “Here’s a guy who ran, and he said he was going to do four things… So he did these four things and then served one term and got out. He came in with a very clearly defined program of pretty significant reform.”

The question is, what four goals has Mitt Romney clearly defined? He’s said some stuff about jobs and taxes, but those can’t be it, because he’s yet to offer any specifics. The real four must be:

Start immediate wars with Iran and China. Remember the Alamo!
Stop the threat of allowing Americans access to dangerous health care — repeal and that one other thing, whatever it is.
Personally dig an oil pipeline to Canada, directly though as many aquifers as possible.
Put a stop to all Federal regulations.

I hate to say it, but Obama got some of his facts seriously...

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 21:17:06 -0400

I hate to say it, but Obama got some of his facts seriously wrong during last night’s debate. Here’s some crucial post-mortem fact-checking:

-Russia is an existential threat to the U.S. Everyone knows that their social and economic chaos is a smokescreen to cover the secret Soviet plot to destroy America after faking us out for 30 years.

-American soldiers still use bayonets. All Marines are issued bayonets, as are some infantrymen. Also, horses are pretty and special.

-Speaking of horses, our dressage-capable horse units are seriously deficient for today’s modern combat scenarios.

-There is no such thing as the Suez Canal. That is propaganda spread by the Jewish-controlled liberal media. Syria is Iran’s only route to the Mediterranean, which is the only body of water in the Arab world.

-Also, Iranians are totally Arabs. Persians are just an ethnic group made up for that one Disney movie with Robin Williams.

-The Iron Dome missile defense program is not a giant metal dome surrounding the State of Israel. That is lame, and probably Socialist.

-It is completely possible to cut taxes on the rich, build more ships and not significantly cut entitlements or add to the Federal deficit. Because math, that’s why. Romney is totally a businessdude, he should know.

Poll numbers indicate that Romney is closing the gap with Obama...

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 20:59:36 -0400

Poll numbers indicate that Romney is closing the gap with Obama with likely female voters.

Hey ladies, way to prove that you’re fickle and easily confused. It completely verifies Romney and Ryan’s retrograde views on gender. Good thing they’ll probably take away your suffrage when they are in the White House.

Here’s my iron-clad prediction for the last two minutes of...

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 20:55:00 -0400

Here’s my iron-clad prediction for the last two minutes of tonight’s debate:

Bob Schieffer: In closing, do you have anything stupid to say about foreign policy, Governor Romney?

Mitt Romney: I do have a few things to get out there. Libyans are all terrorists. Iran must be stopped before they threaten the U.S. and their neighbors: China, Uzbekistan, Poland, Chile, Syria, France and Oman, not to mention non-neighboring countries in the region like Iraq. Living in France counts as diplomatic experience, as does running the Olympic games. Massachussets is a very diverse state, and I have met with people of all three world ethnicities. I have binders and binders full of foreigners I have personally met and impressed. I may not be the most knowledgeable about foreign policy, but I will surround myself with the same brilliant minds that allowed us to win the War on Terror during the Bush administration. Osama Bin Laden was never a threat to America. Cutting taxes on the wealthy will strengthen our position in the world community. Right now, other nations perceive our leadership as angry, primitive, spear-throwing, fried chicken-eating and niggardly. I think that just about covers it. God bless America.

I’m sorry for the highly sporadic posting, but I got sick....

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 20:01:00 -0400

I’m sorry for the highly sporadic posting, but I got sick. As a poor person, I went to the hospital for my primary care, like I’m supposed to. Needless to say, now I am dead and owe some serious medical debt. Hooray for the free market! Repeal and Replace!

Who else is excited for tonight’s match up? A time-tested...

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 21:03:58 -0400

Who else is excited for tonight’s match up? A time-tested pro, with the tendency to get himself in trouble, against a guy very popular with his supporters, but is performing over his head and has been looking less successful recently.

I think the Orioles, led by team MVP Adam Jones, can pull it it tonight, especially with Jeter stuck as a pinch-hitting. A-Rod is just not as young as he used to be, and I think the O’s pitching will outclass him and the rest of the Yankee’s lineup.

By the way, I hope no one minds that I’m switching my focus over from politics to baseball. There’s just not any election stories worth covering. I think there’s a VP debate or something, but that’s not significant. Paul Ryan is going to continue his ticket’s strategy of constant fact-avoidance, and people have such an uninformed understanding of Biden as a politician that all he has to do is not say anything too honest, and he’ll come off looking good.

In this post-truth world, fact-checking has become the rage. The...

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 21:26:52 -0400

In this post-truth world, fact-checking has become the rage. The Internet tells me that even Reddit is in on the action. I’m in favor of calling out bullshit, however, I’ve noticed a troubling trend among new and aspiring fact-checkers.

Making a statement that is not the opposite of the truth is not a “half-truth.” When Mitt Romney says that “all of the increase in natural gas and oil [production] has happened on private land, not on government land” during the Obama administration, he is not half right because some of the expansion in drilling has occurred on private land. If he said “all Americans are male,” would that be a half-truth?

In case you’re struggling with the answer, Romney would be (and is) 100% making stuff up.

“We have to focus on the main problems of the country. The...

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 21:09:49 -0400

“We have to focus on the main problems of the country. The government has to expand the economy, calm the climate in the country, make people feel safe, support the people.” said Mitt Romney today on Fox and Friends, talking about how divisive social issues should not be the focus of the upcoming election.

Whoops, I got that mixed up. That quote belongs to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a TV interview before his 2005 election as President of Iran. His focus on the economy while sweeping religiously motivated policy planks under the rug is working out really well for Iran.

Romney doesn’t really resemble Ahmadinejad in anybody serious way, though. The Iranian President is well-known for using fabricated and misleading numbers to win his debates, but more importantly, he doesn’t have good hair.

And don’t worry, the Republican Party has a much greater commitment to democracy than Ahmadinejad.

Now that the debate is over, we have a clear view of all Mitt...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 20:58:00 -0400

Now that the debate is over, we have a clear view of all Mitt Romney’s promised “zingers.” Now we not only know that he is a funny guy, but that he has been dropping unappreciated jokes in his campaign speeches for months now. His funniest lines included:

“I will not reduce taxes for high-income Americans.”

“Obama is going to put together boards that are going to tell people ultimately what kind of treatments they can have.”

“Obama has doubled the Federal Deficit”

“50% of college graduates this year are unable to find jobs.”

“We keep taking in the same amount of money [with my tax plan] when you account for growth.”

What a cut up! The next debate will probably include some really sharp zingers, like “Barack Obama is a Muslim,” “I have paid my fair share of taxes,” or “I value all Americans and will represent their best interests as President.”

The most jarring part of last night’s debate for me...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 18:17:00 -0400

The most jarring part of last night’s debate for me wasn’t a lie or misrepresentation, it was an unexpected moment of candor by Mitt Romney. The alleged former Governor affirmed that neither he nor the President intended on touching Social Security benefits for current or soon-to-be-eligible seniors, and he told them that they “can stop listening now.”

Romney thinks that the voters that he’s talking to, which we already know is a narrow swath of the population, could not possibly be interested in the next generation. He represents a few wealthy people who only vote for their interests, and some other people he holds in contempt who are along for the ride. He is tripling down on his message of exclusionary politics, and is only talking directly to his base, which is Sheldon Adelson, a couple of other billionaires, Karl Rove and a few guys in tinfoil hats.

Expect that his big “zinger” for the next debate will be even more candor: “Fuck the little guy.”

Low polling numbers for Romney have been explained away by one...

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 20:30:17 -0400

Low polling numbers for Romney have been explained away by one of his campaign staffers, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity. “These polls that have Mitt losing are over-sampling people who don’t like our candidate. If they chose to ask equal numbers of Romney and Obama supporters who they were voting for, we’re sure we would be in the lead. But yet again, these ‘experts’ rely on ‘facts,’ which are biased towards liberals. We refuse to allow this election to be dictated by facts. Hell, we refuse to allow this election to be decided by polls or voters.”

Bonus quote: “You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don’t alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit the views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” - The Fourth Doctor, in The Face of Evil

“More people with jobs mean more people will pay...

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 21:26:21 -0400

“More people with jobs mean more people will pay taxes” said former Olympic organizer Mitt Romney, in defense of his secretly recorded comments to wealthy donors. “I’m unemployed myself, so I know what I’m talking about. I think that more people would like to pay income taxes, but since I’ve never spoken to a human being or paid income taxes, that’s purely conjecture at this point. But I bet if I were to stop and listen to my supporters on the trail, they would all tell me: ‘Please tax me, Mitt!’”

When asked by reporters to comment on his recent, ill-advised comments concerning Libyan, Egyptians, and Palestinians, Romney replied “47% of Arabs think they’re entitled to live safely and to be respected as human beings. I cannot reach them.”