America Needs Me

WE'RE MOVING!

2008-01-09T15:38:00.000-08:00

Last night's New Hampshire wrap-up was the last blog for me at this address. "America Needs Me" can now be found HERE. I've got a rudimentary version of the blog up and the posting has already begun. Also, podcasting will soon begin HERE.

The Big People's Table

2008-01-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

I'm just watching Hillary in her latest Chairman Mao-with-an-upholstery-pattern jacket give her victory speech. Her victory, she tells us, is really one for the people stupid enough to buy adjustable rate mortgages. Yep, that's where she went first.

Ah, the Democrats are back.

Is it a dangerous world out there that requires us to have a strong Commander-in-Chief? It is if you're house shopping armed with nothing more than public school math skills, according to the Democrats.

Did terrorism rate a mention in The Madame's top five? Nope. The mortgage bailout was followed by Evil Oil, Evil Insurance, Evil Pharmaceuticals and "predatory" college loan people. The victims of the above were assured that they weren't invisible to Mrs. C. At that, I brought up a little bit of my dinner and shut her off.

At least she didn't invoke the horror of climate change right away. The Clinton dislike for Al Gore still trumps all.

The Madame's talking points are yet another perfect illustration of why we shouldn't let a Democrat get close enough to the White House to even take pictures of it any time soon. They continue to look inward for all of America's enemies. Al Qaeda's got nothing on Exxon, MetLife and Merck as far as the Democrats are concerned.

On the Republican side, the guy with the most to bring to the table as a Commander-in-Chief began his comeback. While the Democrats were planning a protracted war against American businesspeople John McCain was promising to pursue Osama bin Laden "to the gates of hell" if he had to. While other conservatives want to focus on a few issues that McCain's gotten weird about I prefer to focus on the fact that he's always known who the bad guys are and what we should do about them. He's not going to waste a lot of time and taxpayer money trying to open a can of whoop-ass on the CEO of an American oil company. I'm not old fashioned about too many things but I do like the thought of a war hero being in charge during a war.

Yeah, I like Fred Thompson too, but he finished behind "Other" in New Hampshire. I know that Fred didn't spend a lot of time or money in the state but I don't think "Other" did either. There may be some magic out there yet but banking on that seems about as sensible as saying that you're contributing to your 401k every time you buy a lottery ticket.

There's a lot of campaigning left but I am very glad that New Hampshire helped the GOP to begin moving away from its Huckafetish. Let's hope that Chuckles had his one moment in the frozen corn fields last week and is about to fade like the smile on Hillary's face whenever the cameras are turned off.

Tonight was also a reminder of how much fun politics is when it doesn't play out the way everyone has planned for so long. Surprises are always a blast in this age of incessant polling. Less than a week ago the media was agog over St. Obama of Nothing and King Gomer the Second. We heard the word "change" so often that I thought everyone had been dropped into a baby nursery full of poopy diapers. Now we have competition and choices again.

It's nice that the primary season will be relevant at least into the middle of January.

And I suppose we can all sleep better now knowing that Hillary Clinton is on the watch for any predators who are trying to send kids to college.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell

The Ms. and the Mrs.

2008-01-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

Arrogant types such as myself aren't fond of admitting we're wrong but it looks like I'm going to have to do just that today.

The past decade has been filled with unspeakable horrors against women played out on the world stage. From Bill Clinton's permanently meandering libidinal apparatus to Sharia rape laws that punish the victim for having the poor taste to bring her genitalia with her in public, there's been enough going on to keep feminists screaming at the tops of their lungs 24/7.

From the first "ZIP" heard in Clinton's Oval Office to the war against terrorists who would keep women partying like it's 1599, the silence from American feminists has been overwhelming. Surely those who have dedicated their lives to advancing the cause of women would have something to say about the American military enabling Afghan girls to go to school again or the fact that Saddam Hussein's rape rooms no longer exist.

Maybe you can understand how the deafening silence led me to believe that feminism was dead.

I was wrong.

Today's New York Times has managed to dig up Gloria Steinem and give her a gig on the Opinion page. Ms. Steinem complains that Mrs. Clinton is being judged unfairly because of her sex.

Writing as if she spends her time cryogenically frozen in 1968, Steinem asks "why is the sex barrier not taken as seriously as the racial one?" This during an election where the Democratic front-runners consist of an African American male and two women (Mrs. Clinton and John Edwards). Oh, let's not forget that Barack Obama's most prominent and powerful wealthy supporter is Oprah Winfrey who, by all accounts Gloria, is an African American female. If someone were to get Ms. Steinem an Internet connection or a newspaper subscription she could also find out that the current Speaker of the House can wear women's clothing without being described as a fetishist.

You see, G, the problem with Hillary Clinton is, well, Hillary Clinton. The almost hourly repackaging of Hillary's message right now reminds me of an old article in The Onion about a guy who keeps blaming his hangovers on everything but consuming too much alcohol. Neither of the Clintons has a real gift for looking inward during times of trouble. It's always the fault of somebody else.

Hillary wants to present herself as a bold new choice so who does she trot out? Madelyn Albright, Gloria Steinem, Paul Begala and James Carville. They couldn't have looked more old school if they'd brought FDR in riding on a mastodon. Voters see this sham for what it is and act accordingly, which is what the Clintons don't understand. It's not because she's a woman, it's because she is, and always has been, a phony.

I understand the confusion of long time Clinton supporters right now. The Bill and Hill Show has been jerking this country around and lying to it with great effectiveness for almost two decades. The Republicans never found a way to counter it. Barack Obama has finally found a way by doing something completely foreign to Hillary: he's being genuine. True, he has absolutely nothing to say but at least he's himself while he's not saying it.

If Ms. Steinem were to take a bold leap into the 21st Century she'd find that much of her hard work paid off. Hillary Clinton is actually being judged on merit.

That's why the whole thing is falling apart.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics (VOTE for it!)

Note To Iowa: Bite Me

2008-01-04T01:33:00.000-08:00

Well, after months of having candidates, press and volunteers backed up inside of it, Iowa finally caucused. I hope it's very relieved. I know I'm glad that I won't have to hear anything about it until 2012.

And now for some thoughts on the first votes we thought we'd never see.

OK, it was fun to watch The Missus not only lose but come in third. Don't get too excited though, Obie, nobody falls in manure and ends up smelling like roses better than the two-headed Clinton monster. Be careful, if you make them really mad they'll send James Carville out to make a mess on your carpet and bite you in the groin.

It is absolutely stunning that Barack Obama won so handily in a state where African-Americans are more of a rumor than a voting demographic.

I curse Iowa for making Mike Huckabee relevant for a few days. If he continues to be and somehow ends up with the nomination I think we should seriously look at trading the state to Mexico for a few hot Telemundo hosts. I don't know how they would say "caucus" in Spanish but I bet it sounds even dirtier.

GOP voters are constantly told that Mitt Romney would make a great president because he is a great businessman. He just spent twenty or more million dollars to come in second place to a Gomer Pyle impersonator in a state that has fewer voters than the Best Buy store up the street from me. That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement for letting him be in charge of my money.

The Ron Paul Revolution doesn't seem to work as well when his supporters can't vote over and over between bong hits and handfuls of Cheet-Ohs like they do in online polls. They might want to look into getting him on "American Idol" instead.

Christopher Dodd and Joe Biden both dropped out of the race after the caucuses. This will now give Dennis Kucinich a chance to make his move up in the polls from "no chance in hell" to "dead last".

I'm still not sure who Mike Gravel is.

I got an email just before midnight Pacific time from the Thompson campaign indicating that he isn't quite ready to quit this race. McCain still looks strong in New Hampshire. The GOP might just be able to survive Iowa's efforts to Huck it up.

The First Tooth Is Pulled

2008-01-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

Our long national nightmare, aka "The Early 2008 Primary Season", finally gets under way with some actual voting tonight. Michelle Malkin, Wake Up America and A Newt One have already done the heavy lifting on the speculation derby leading up to the ~~circuses~~ caucuses. I'll just weigh in with my two cents which isn't worth much after being adjusted for inflation and having the taxes taken out of it. Still, pontificate I must, because it's kind of like breathing for an egomaniacal wingnut like me.

This drawn-out extra year on the campaign has cheapened the political process more than Dennis Kucinich (D-Pluto) and Ron Paul (R-Bong Hit) could do if they bred with each other in a lab and created a hybrid political ass thorn. That we're rewarded with the first votes being cast by fringe representatives of each party in the weird Iowa caucus process makes the pain of the season more unbearable. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe in everyone participating but having a bunch of frozen subsidy addicts hold sway over the national debate for this long gets annoying after a while. Mitt Romney (R-Coifed) doesn't deserve to be president just because he spent roughly the equivalent to the GNP of Portugal there in the last year. Likewise, Mike Huckabee (R-Shucks Folks) doesn't deserve it simply because the twelve Iowa Republicans who will caucus are willing to overlook his laundry list of negatives and pay attention only to the fact that he's a Baptist preacher. We're not electing Best Guy To Run The Tent Revival Mission.

I will admit that saying "caucus" all the time is fun in an extraordinarily juvenile way. That the Democrats and Republicans each caucus differently makes it creepier. I don't mind that the state gets to have a different way of doing things. I grew up in Arizona, where contrariness was a birthright. However, shouldn't election related matters be the same for each party?

What's really got me to ready find a brick wall that's compatible with my head this year is that Romney and Huckabee are getting all of this attention because of Iowa. Although I'm a big fan of the two party system (they tried having just one in the Soviet Union and that sucked) I truly believe that any of the current Democratic candidates would be a disaster as president at this point in history. The last thing this country needs is a Commander-in-Chief who thinks that a one degree spike in temperature over the last 150 years is more dangerous than rogue nuclear states or Islamic terrorism. The Democratic field is loaded with candidates who are going to end up battling terrorism by crying, "Be nice to me, I drive a hybrid!"

The Republicans have only two serious candidates to handle any of this: Fred Thompson and John McCain. Sorry, Rudy fans, he's a train wreck of scandals that the Dems are just salivating at the prospect of picking apart in the general. So we have two great candidates for the job but we're talking about Slick Mitt and Aw Shucks Huck.

Romney has done a 180 on just about everything but his hairstyle. Somehow, serious conservatives take him at face value but still say McCain, who is solid on all the things Romney's flip-flopped on, isn't conservative enough. I don't believe any candidate who shows up to an election with a whole new set of ideals. I have no reason to believe he won't trade those in once elected. Romney seems like the kind of guy who won't exhale unless the polls say it's popular with the voters. We have another name for poll-driven politicians who shift positions a lot: Democrats.

Social conservatives love Huckabee because he's solid on pro-life issues. Go ahead, vote for him, you won't be able to afford a baby based on his record of taxation as governor. Oh wait, we're not supposed to talk about his record.

Hopefully, the GOP can weather this inane first round of voting and let the big people step to the fore. If not, you can look forward to trying to outrun a terrorist attack while listening to President Obama on the radio in your federally mandated Toyota Prius.

I don't know about you all, but I'm going to use Al Gore as a shield if that ever happens.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

Democrats' Nightmare: Americans Are Happy!

2008-01-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

Nothing terrifies a modern Democratic politician more than a happy American. A recent Gallup Poll found that 84% of Americans are satisfied with the way things are going in their lives now. One would wonder how this could possibly be in light of the Democrats' message that the middle class is desperately poor, the planet is dying, the whole world hates us and we'll never, ever be able to afford a doctor again. How could anyone be happy in such a miserable place?

If there isn't something broken that the Democrats can promise to belch money on and fix, they've got nothing to offer. It's not so much a political ideology they espouse as much as it is political pimping. Count how many times Obie, the Missus and Fluffy Edwards say "I will fund..." in a speech and you'll see what I mean. Rather than thinking through problems they prefer to throw cash around like a drug dealer at a strip club.

This is one reason I've never wavered in my political thinking. My unchecked ego won't allow me to be a member of a political party that tells me I can't find happiness without its help. I don't know what the Democrats used to be like but in my lifetime their message has always been this: "Your life sucks, you sad little American. Now give us all your money and we promise to spend more money on you. Don't ask how it works. Just trust us."

So what are we to make of these happy Americans? Are they all drunk? Does Gallup only poll people living in the mansions around John Edwards' palace?

Or could it be that the Democrats are, once again, just plain wrong?

Back to the battle against chronic "funding"...

Run Along Now, 2007...

2007-12-31T13:45:00.000-08:00

Travel, illness and a new Nintendo Wii have kept ANM quiet for a week or so. Little things like that won't get in the way as we move into an election year and expand our horizons. Even if I should find myself alone on a melting glacier with only Al Gore's blubber to use for fuel I promise to deliver.

December 31st is a godsend to anyone who writes about topical things. It provides an opportunity to do a "Year In Review" piece which is much easier than thinking of new stuff. So, with my sore Wii elbow, here I go with the recap.

An election year shouldn't be longer than a year. We Americans pride ourselves on demonstrating a peaceful transfer of power to the world every four or eight years. It's so peaceful that we've now turned it into a never ending transfer of power. This campaign for a new president began shortly after lunch on Inauguration Day 2005. Well according to The Madame, it began in kindergarten for Barack Obama. Still, just days away from the Iowa caucuses we find ourselves with no clear picture of how it's all going to shake out. So this painfully protracted campaign season did nothing more than keep Ron Paul supporters from downloading too much porn and making the rest of us long for the brevity of a military coup.
Al Gore may be a bigger threat to freedom than Osama bin Laden. When I said things like this at the beginning of the year I was being somewhat tongue-in-cheek about them. Unfortunately, events of the year have propelled the Bloated One ever closer to convincing our own lawmakers to hijack the U.S. economy with "cap and trade" schemes. In classic terrorist fashion, he wields power by whipping up as much fear as possible. If Prince Albert the Hysterical has his way, we will have a dysfunctional hybrid ('cause the Eco-Stalins love their hybrids!) socialist economy that will leave us more vulnerable than at any time since the beginning of the Revolutionary War. For once, it's time to go after the messenger. How prevalent has this brainwashing become? While looking for airfares online the other day I was prompted to "Go Green" and purchase a "Terra Pass". Terra Pass is a scam that ranks right up there with psychic hotlines. You give them free money, they pass it on to support crap that can't compete in an open marketplace and you get your hippie conscience eased in return. I think my first bumper sticker of 2008 will be "Terra Pass Can Kiss My Ass".
Libertarians seem to only be able to deliver their message via fruitcake. Make no mistake, the Libertarians do have some good ideas. They want to overhaul the tax code, get us out of the UN and nuke the Dept. of Education. It's a system that has a lot of good ideas for domestic problems but turns rather juvenile when applied to international relations ("I'm going to go to my room and lock the door...don't bother me!). For several elections now, the Libertarian star has been Ron Paul, who they've recently dressed up as a Republican. He has developed huge support among younger cyber geeks. This can probably be attributed to the fact that Libertarians are also big on legalizing marijuana. The problem with Paul, like most Libertarian point men from the past, is that he seems like the kind of guy you really wouldn't want to leave alone with any sharp dining utensils. We're over a year into this thing and I'm not sure I've heard him directly answer a question yet. His eyes dart around a lot and he always appears to be listening to the voices in his head for commands from the Mother Ship. Fortunately, a lot of Libertarian support is absent on election day because most of its fans are too stoned to remember to vote. If you simply give a bag of Doritos to a Paul supporter he'll be too distracted to get to the polls.
We may soon elect our first non-human president. Sorry kids, I'm going to need to see some medical records because I'm still not convinced that Mrs. Clinton is breathing. When I first saw her smile and laugh the monsters from "Alien vs. Predator" seemed like cuddly Disney characters in comparison. What she has proven most adept at since being spawned into the spotlight all those years ago is destroying people who dare interfere with her political ambition. Yet there are people who appear to be very devoted to Her Missusness. I'm sure that their loved ones will be returned to them safely once the election is in hand.
The Lynne Spears book on parenting was probably a bad idea. Finally, a family to make the Lohans feel morally superior! Lynne Spears gives a whole new meaning to "getting the girls ready for bed". There is, however, something very old fashioned about Jamie Lynn wanting to have three or four kids before she's old enough to drink.
All celebrity plane tickets to visit Hugo Chavez should be one-way. Let Danny Glover, Sean Penn, Oliver Stone and any other celeb who wants to hang with Hugo do it on a permanent basis. They can form an "artists collective", grow their own weed and blame the United States for everything all day long. Oh wait, that's really no different from their lives in LA. Never mind.
Oprah needs to hush. She doesn't even pick very good books most of the time and she's responsible for Dr. Phil. Seriously people, let's not let her help pick a president.
Even in an off year, being an American still kicks ass. You have to admit, this is still a pretty good gig. We have that rare blend of superpower swagger, affordable beer and and an abundance of convenience stores that make this the place to be. The NFL is still ours too. At least until the New England Patriots suck all the fun out of it.

Happy New Year everyone. Be safe and, for Heaven's sake, don't let any girls from the Spears family kiss you at midnight.

Pulling Harry's Head Out

2007-12-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

Harry Reid (D-George Bush's Fault!) is whining again. Now, his scowling tantrums really aren't any more surprising than finding out one of the Spears sisters is knocked up but there was one little moment in a recent interview that made it appear as if Reid had decided to end the year by thinking for the first time since coming to power.

In an interview with The Online News Hour Reid kind of/sort of admitted that the surge in Iraq was working. This is significant because Reid has thus far proven himself to be the most fact-resistant politician in America. He's so unfamiliar with the obvious that one can easily imagine him standing at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and saying "It's not wet at all down here."

Of course, Reid didn't exactly give a ringing endorsement of the surge saying, "it certainly hasn't hurt. It's helped. I recognize that." Then, as if he feared an allergic reaction to saying something positive about the United States Reid went right back into his psychotically disconnected diatribe mode.

Harry Reid suffers from a vocabulary problem. He seems to understand the words "Senate" and "Majority" in his title but is completely confounded by the word "Leader". If you follow "Leader" with "by example" he gets all kinds of perplexed.

The man has proven adept at nothing more than blaming Republicans for everything. He probably sees a GOP conspiracy when he runs out of toilet paper at home. He spends much of the rest of this interview doing the Democrat Dance of Irony in which be blames Republicans for everything but the Peloponnesian War then says the only way to get things done is in a bipartisan manner. Naturally, "bipartisan" means "Republicans caving into every lunatic socialist idea we have..." in this case.

Honesty is another hallmark most people like in their leaders. In this interview, Reid flat-out lies about what President Bush thinks about global warming.

Harry Reid suffers from the same confusion that the other Democratic leaders do in that he confuses "the American People" with "my Democratic supporters". They speak with an authority about what the American people want while almost half of said people are sitting here screaming "Shut up!"

As with every other interview I've seen with not-so-honest Harry, he seems to keep pulling things out of his ass to support his twisted fantasy of what the American public wants to hear. The only thing he never pulls out of there is his head.

I don't think that's a very good look for a leader.

Huckenstein

2007-12-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

The (insert appropriate adjective here-"meteoric"/"stunning"/"creepy") rise of Mike Huckabee (R-Yuk-Yuk) is playing out like the scene in "Frankenstein" where the newly created monster sends the villagers into a panic. The villagers in this case are represented by GOP voters who actually want to win the general election.

Everyone expected this to be a wild race for the nomination but the escape of Huckenstein to the top of the polls has voters considering all kinds of doomsday scenarios.

Tony Blankley writes today about the Republicans heading to a brokered convention now because of the Huckfest. Part two of a brilliant imagining of such a scenario is posted at Rightwing Nuthouse today. Apparently, we were guaranteed having a true front runner emerge from the previous top tier GOP candidates but the sheer randomness of Aw-Shucks Mike's emergence is a harbinger of certain chaos.

I'm not so sure.

I have hope that a different scenario will emerge now and I have no real reason to believe that it will other than my gut telling me that it could. Bear in mind that I use my gut to pick lottery numbers too and that hasn't worked out so well yet.

Here's my political Christmas wish. It's obvious that Huckabee is scaring sentient Republican voters. These voters have spent the endless pre-primary season whining about not knowing who to get behind. Bloggers seem to be largely united behind Fred Thompson. Evangelicals are glomming on to Huckabee now. Those with easy access to a bong love Ron Paul. There are, unfortunately, a lot of GOP voters who don't fall into any of those categories and they need to have their heads take a trip out of whatever dark places they've shoved them. If we're lucky, the news of Huckabee's disturbing surge will reach those dark recesses and spur them into action.

A little indecision is OK. Jumping off the side of a tall building in a panic because you can't make up your mind is the kind of thing that gets people like Hillary Clinton elected. It's time for the GOP to unite behind an electable candidate (sorry, Mitt fans) and prove that it can't be hijacked by one fringe wing of the party.

Let's fire up the torches and go after this monster once and for all.

Because there is a bigger, scarier one waiting in the Democratic shadows after Huckenstein is dispatched.

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics (VOTE for it!)

Does He Ever?

2007-12-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

Ed Koch, my favorite Democrat from New York, asks a good question at Real Clear Politics today. It's one every person sane enough to think and burn carbon at the same time should ask:

"Does Al Gore Know What He's Talking About?"

That question never does get asked by millions of Climate Commies because their lips are affixed to Gore's ever expanding derriere. Should they ever disengage those lips and engage the ability to think critically they may very well ask it.

The man has a history of playing fast and loose with facts dating back to his days as inventor of the Internet. He's a b.s. blurter, that Al. He's been that way ever since he got done building the Ark for Noah.

There are two paths you can take when pondering the alleged climate crisis. You can believe

in the Gore-as-deity Consensus Myth or you can read. There's plenty of documentation about Prince Albert's truth troubles out there but it's hard to find when you're blinded by the glow of his halo.

Does Al Gore know what he's talking about? That depends, is "hypocrisy" the subject? Thus far, that's the only thing he's proven himself to be an expert on.

She, Robot

2007-12-18T03:11:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I arrived in Anchorage on Monday afternoon just in time to see the sun set before 4:00 PM. It's early Tuesday morning now and a balmy one degree. I started to think, "Can anything really be darker and colder than this?"

Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, she's running for president!"

Her Royal Ruthlessness has decided that she needs to show her softer side. She's bringing a bunch of friends and her mother out on the campaign trail to send a new message to the American people. What exactly is the message?

"Look everybody, I actually have friends and a mother!"

As a bonus, The Madame had some actual human tears show up on the same day as her friends and mother. Hmm...

It would seem that the Clinton campaign is worried that voters might find John Edwards a more feminine alternative and decided to fight back with tears.

You know what's a shame?

This is the kind of thing that would be perfect for Oprah.

Nutroots roasting on an open fire...

2007-12-16T23:52:00.000-08:00

OK, I need a little palate cleansing after spewing vinegar at Mike Huckabee (R-You Wish) for much of the week. I'm bored with Al Gore and and the hazard he poses to the intellectual environment. Writing about Mitt Romney puts me to sleep almost as quickly as listening to him. I guess it's time to check in with our subversive little irritants over at the Daily Kos.

Spend five minutes perusing the offerings of the nutroots over at the DK and you can see why both they and rapidly worsening mental diseases are referred to as progressive. You'll witness an orgy of illogic the likes of which the world has never seen. The average Kosmonaut feigns intellectual superiority by proving points based on nonexistent or false premises which are asserted to be facts. Quite a large choir is assembled there and they preach to it.

A perfect example is this article linked to in a DK "Open Thread". It laments that liberals are "losing the war of ideas" when it comes to illegal immigration. The author posits that those opposed to illegal immigration are merely "anti" immigration, which is patently untrue. When the illegal aspect is finally addressed it gets dismissed with the customary lefty sleight of hand renaming of illegals as "unauthorized" immigrants. That's how it's done with the progressives: start from a false premise ("anti-immigration"), move full throttle into a semantic circle-jerk ("unauthorized") and-Presto!-you're a liberal genius. Anyone can win an argument when given the option to arbitrarily redefine the position of one's opponent.

A post titled "Are Democrats letting Republicans define 2008?" shows exactly why the goofy neocommies don't like to let reality muddy up an ideological debate. The problem, according to "UpstateDem", isn't that the Democrats in congress have turned their "mandate" into approval ratings lower than the self esteem of a pimply adolescent who has just wet himself in front of the whole school, it's that the Republicans are mentioning it. I guess when you're used to making it up as you go along a statement of obvious truth can be so different that it's terribly upsetting.

If that's getting to them I'd hate to be around when they find out carbon trading isn't going to save the planet.

To summarize:

1) Even when given the opportunity to fabricate all positions in a debate, progressive ideas still can't win.

2) If you get caught sucking at your job, tell everyone the real problem isn't you but the guy who first pointed out the fact that you sucked.

It's bound to get you a job with Crazy Howard at the Democratic National Committee.

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

News I Can Use

2007-12-16T01:23:00.000-08:00

Weary of the Republican party Hucking up its chances next year, I spent the day doing fun Christmas stuff with my kid. I had hoped that by avoiding the news all day I could come back and find that the Huckabee/Romney nightmare I've been having would be gone. Alas, I waited until after midnight to check anything out but the two are still hanging around like STDs at a Tijuana whorehouse, which, coincidentally, is where Bill Clinton is scheduled to appear first if his life partner becomes president.

After whipping through my usual news sites I had one thought: if Huckabee wins those damn caucuses we should seriously think about trading Iowa to the Canadians for some beer. People shouldn't be allowed to have a significant say in choosing the leader of the free world when they're frozen, pissed off and drinking all day to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Rather than subject myself to any more Huckobamaney fawning from the breathless American media I decided to see what our closest allies across the pond were writing about. I was rewarded almost immediately for my efforts with this headline from the BBC News site:

"Flatulent cow puts wind up locals..."

No, it's not about a Hillary Clinton joke that's being forwarded in emails.

It's just a lot nicer to think about than the title "President" in front of the names Clinton or Obama.

The Real Republican

2007-12-14T15:48:00.000-08:00

The Senate voted today on belching federal funds to bail out all the homeowners who couldn't understand the word "adjustable" when they got their mortgages. I went off on this nanny state "Dollars for Stupidity" program here and Michelle Malkin continues to cover it in detail.

As I said before, if ~~the Kremlin~~ Congress wants pay citizens for poor choices then it owes me more money than even a Charlie Rangel tax hike could raise.

Naturally, the Democrats think the bailout is necessary because the people were somehow tricked into getting the ARMs. I believe it was, oh, let me see, in the post immediately preceding this one where I said that being a liberal means never having to say "It's my fault." I love quoting myself.

For a party that fancies itself intellectually superior the Dems love to claim mass stupidity on the part of its constituency. You remember Florida in 2000, don't you? Al Gore's future hung on claiming that a significant number of his supporters were too stupid to read. Now it's another reading problem, this time an inability to translate the arcane phrase "Adjustable Rate" well enough to even ask what it means.

I'll grant that some voters are a few points shy of a workable IQ-how else can you explain Chuck Schumer's election?

While the rest of the Senate brought their copies of Das Kapital with them to the vote, Arizona's Jon Kyl decided to bring his balls. His was the lone voice of common sense crying out in the pandering wilderness.

For those of you who may not know Kyl, he is the GOP's dream candidate. There isn't a Democrat alive who Kyl couldn't quietly dissect in a debate. Sadly, he's waiting in the wings while the senior senator from Arizona takes his last shot at the White House.

If the congressional Republican elephant wants to keep growing donkey ears on fiscal matters the true GOP voters will have to endure a long, federally funded nuclear winter of ideological and fiscal bankruptcy.

We can only hope that Jon Kyl will still be around to open a can of whoop-ass to help lead us out.

Main Stream Morons To The Rescue

2007-12-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday must have been a tough one for the various Op-Ed Demo pimps in the MSM. Their very reasons for breathing, the Democratic-um-leadership, were going at each other like a dysfunctional family after the Thanksgiving booze had all been drunk. At the end of the bickering their matriarch, Grandma Nancy "Che" Pelosi (D-Valium Please), had a little meltdown in front of the cameras. Newspaper editorial staffs all over were left to cry "I hate it when you guys fight!" and "I get scared when grandma acts so weird." As with most dysfunctional families, when it was all over it was left to the little bed-wetters to hold the family together.

The first little journalistic gremlin to come out and defend the Nitwit clan was WAPO's E.J. Dionne. He writes in today's paper that The Nancy & Harry Traveling Circus of Socialist Stupidity needs a "Plan B". Since Dionne is a lefty I naturally thought he was talking about the "morning after pill" when he mentioned "Plan B" and hoped he was going to suggest that they abort their inane efforts. No such luck.

Dionne should have called it a "Plan BB" because all he suggests is that the Democrats blame Bush. I know that this kind of thinking is often called "Bush Derangement Syndrome" but I hesitate to use that in the case of Dionne because that implies the existence of a brain to be deranged in the first place. His piece is so devoid of critical thinking that I thought it might be the product of one of those experiments where they put a chimp in front of a keyboard and see what he pounds out.

Dionne seems to be suggesting that the Republicans are stonewalling Grandma Nan and Harry the Libnut solely for the joy of being obstructionists. As with most liberals' arguments, his logic disintegrates at the beginning because he proceeds from false premises. He claims that the Democrats have the high ground on the S-CHIP debate while lying about what the new version really does. Never once does he discuss why Republicans are really opposed to it, he simply trots out the brain dead liberal for the children idiocy.

To be an American liberal means never having to say "It's my fault," when things aren't going well. It's an entire political philosophy built on abandoning personal responsibility. Pelosi and Reid aren't the first American congressional leaders who have had to work with slim majorities and an opposite party president. The reason that they aren't accomplishing anything is that they came to power under convoluted circumstances. The Republicans didn't lose last year because the Democrats were steamrolling, they lost because serious GOP voters had grown weary of the spending and lack of vision and stayed home. The Democrats emerged thinking that they had a mandate when what they actually had was a fluke.

Now instead of governing with vision, they whine. When they're tired of whining, they let the MSM monkeys whine for them. Lets have a round of tissues for the distressed little dears in congress and the media.

Buck up, little Demos, Christmas is almost here. Maybe Santa will bring you some shiny new excuses to use for next year.

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

Down In Dem Dumps

2007-12-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

By this point Nancy Pelosi (D-Zero Accomplishments) probably wishes she'd spent the year at home watching the weekly fur-thong/bestiality parades in San Francisco. She finishes the year having accomplished nothing more than providing 1-800-FLOWERS greater access to the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Today, Grandma Nan is taking it from more angles than a double-jointed porn star. USA Today, normally a reliable sycophantic lap bitch for the Democrats, goes off on their ineffective ways on its Opinion page. The article says that the Democrats are "lost in a time warp". True, they do seem to be acting like it's 1968 when it comes to the war. Maybe they can't get anything done because they're busy looking for their weed.

On the bright side for Madame Speaker, the article does engage in some knee-jerk Bush bashing like any good post-Soviet Pravda rip-off should.

Today's Washington Post offers up a little peek at the tiff brewing between House and Senate Democrats. Finally! The Democrats agree that the Democrats are doing a lousy job. Any Democrats in either chamber who continue to exhibit flashes of clarity may want to contact their physicians.

Speaking of time warps, the MSM loves to work from a calendar that is perpetually six months behind, doesn't it? The USA Today article finally takes Harry Reid (D-Yippee, We're Losing!) to task for constantly ignoring any good news out of Iraq. Bloggers on the right have been verbally smacking the Waste of Space from Nevada around on that subject for a while now.

However belated it may be, it is nice to see some of the MSM taking notice that the current Democratic leadership can't govern and chew gum at the same time. For the sake of the country, let's hope they concentrate on the gum chewing.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics

Maybe this is why Nancy Pelosi needs so many flowers...

2007-12-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

Panel Urges End to Incontinence Stigma

Oh, that was a government panel, by the way. And people complain about money being spent to fight terrorism.

The leader of the NIH panel offered taxpayer funded gems like this: "All of us are walking around with a bag of water and a bag of stool in our pelvis..."

The next time some audience member gives me grief about the way comedians talk on stage I'm going to refer him to Dr. Bag O'Stool over at the NIH.

Personally, I think it's good that some things carry a stigma. It's what keeps us from having to watch people we aren't attracted to fondle each other in public. We are already too quick to discuss things that would have made our grandparents, well, become incontinent if mentioned.

I am perfectly OK with voting "Stigma For Life" status when it comes to incontinence. No one needs to be sitting at an Olive Garden and hear, "Frank, I told you there was too much garlic in the marinara, I just crapped myself. I'll be back in a minute; don't order me any coffee!"

Next up for the panel: raising the self esteem of those afflicted with chronic flatulence.

May I suggest that the NIH get back to work on things that could kill us?

Envirodork of the Day: Ban Ki-moon

2007-12-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

It's become a morning ritual of mine: read the news and immediately find another good reason to turn the UN property into a golf course. The last secretary-general used his office space to run a black market scheme with a fascist dictator. Naturally, the Democrats loved him. The current head man over at the hostile occupation site is a simpler sort, he's merely running a scheme of hypocrisy from his private jet.

As the political arm of Al Gore's progressive mental disease, the UN is committed to bringing communism to the United States so Gore can be installed as Head Fat Guy For Life. It uses a squad of debate squashing, common sense assassins called the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. Right now the IPCC's flying monkeys are meeting to determine exactly what it can do to kick the U.S. economy in the groin. This is accomplished by screaming "Consensus!" and "For the children!" incessantly until policy makers cave in from pure exhaustion.

Apparently, no one has found a way to translate "lead by example" into all the languages spoken at the UN. Ban Ki-moon, fresh from calling for immediate action on climate change, has decided to show his commitment to the cause by flying everywhere but the moons of Jupiter.

Remember, he's the S-G of the United Nations so he doesn't have a real job and isn't truly needed anywhere but at home. Still, he's found a reason to head to East Timor, Japan and New York all in a few days. The juiciest, carbon spewing part of this trip comes on the Tokyo to New York leg where the Banster is flying the wrong way around the world to add even more miles to the fun!

The UN says it will offset the trip by contributing to different environmental causes, which, far from exonerating Mr. B K-m, cements the green hypocrisy. If man-made carbon emissions really were a threat to our very survival do you think the fear-mongers would relax about an egregious carbon output like this just because the Sierra Club got a few extra bucks? That's like getting shot five times and saying that you'll be fine as long as your assailant donates to a hospital charity.

Congratulations Mr. Ban Ki-moon for being today's recipient of the ANM Envirodork Medal of Dishonor. You're the first to receive the redesigned medal! It features a breathtaking view of the earth and a cow farting out Al Gore's head. Enjoy.

I'll let the readers decide whether you're a prophet of change, a planet killing bastard or a full of crap hypocrite.

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

Why I Want To Be A Better Catholic...

2007-12-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

It's stuff like this that makes me keep coming back for more:

The Pope condemns the climate change prophets of doom.

There are over a billion of us, Greenpeace, don't make us recycle you.

Couldn't agree more...

2007-12-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

This is the kind of opinion about Romney you see when an actual Republican, as opposed to a liberal member of the MSM, is writing:

"If Republicans nominate flip-flop Romney, they'll lose..."

I'm off to see what they're spiking the coffee with at the National Review now.

In endorsing Romney they referred to him as the most conservative and viable candidate. He's some of the former and none of the latter. If you don't believe me just wait fourteen months, reread this then ask President Clinton what she thinks.

Rat Smelling 101: Mahmoud Makes Nice

2007-12-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

The last NIE report is on pace to become the least read/most referred to piece of writing since the Old Testament. It has been parsed to death in blogs on both sides of the aisle, with each finding something favorable to cling to. So who are we to believe in the midst of all of this "Told you so!" volleying?

Me, of course. (Seriously, people, if you haven't figured that out by now you're simply missing the spirit of this blog and my very existence on the planet. Keep up!)

All anyone needs to know to form a rational opinion about the last report is this: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad thought it was just swell.

That's right, the drooling man's Hugo Chavez has become a big, cuddly Moham...oops, Teddy Bear ever since the NIE belched its latest best-guesses. After calling the report "a step forward" Moudykins went on to suggest what the U.S. should do to follow up and become best pals with Iran. Hint: it doesn't involve being skeptical.

I don't know how to say "I've got you right where I want you," in Farsi but I bet it can be accidentally translated as "a step forward". When an avowed, hate-spewing enemy suddenly grins and invites you over for a drink it's time to ask a lot of questions.

Strangely enough, there is a group of people in this country who would rather take whatever Ahmadinejad takes at face value than default to believing the president. They're called Democratic congressional leaders and they're, sadly, not subjected to drug tests while working.

You could put this smelly rat into a lead container, send it to the bottom of the ocean and it would still stink. It may be our busiest shopping season of the year but that doesn't mean we have to buy whatever this dictator pimp is selling.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

While The Liberal Kids Were At Tumbling Class...

2007-12-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

This is priceless:

Arkansas Boy, 5, Kills 445-Pound Black Bear

I feel like such a slacker, I didn't learn to shoot until I was six.

Introducing The "ANM" Envirodork Medal Of Dishonor!

2007-12-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Prince Albert the Hysterical and all he does for global hypocrisy, I'm proud to announce the creation of "The 'America Needs Me' Envirodork Medal Of Dishonor". The award will be given out as frequently as needed to any Eco-Stalin who distinguishes him or herself by offering solutions or opinions on global warming that exceed the lunatic standards established by Gore.

As I can't pay attention to every Climate Commie on the allegedly imperiled planet, I'm asking everyone to feel free to nominate potential recipients. The more we expose, the merrier. We can then offer quarterly and annual awards for the biggest Envirodorks.

Let us move on to the inaugural recipient. The very first Envirodork Medal of Dishonor goes to:

Professor Barry Walters of Australia.

Writing in the Medical Journal of Australia (the Double Christmas Issue, at that!), Walters proposes taxing couples with more than two children to pay for trees to offset all that damn breathing the little kiddies do.

Walters writes, "Far from showering financial booty on new mothers and rewarding greenhouse-unfriendly behaviour, a 'baby levy' in the form of a carbon tax should apply, in line with the 'polluter pays' principle."

In the twisted mind of an Eco-Stalin having a baby is akin to industrial pollution.

My guess is that the greater threat of pollution comes from all of the b.s. that climate hysteria mongers keep spewing into the air.

Another case could be made that Walters' mother did pollute by taking a pee in the Australian gene pool when she gave birth to little Barry. Unless it's planted in his mouth I don't see how a taxpayer funded tree is really going to offset the damage Mum Walters caused the intellectual environment.

A tip of the hat and a hearty cow fart to Professor Walters for being our first Envirodork. Now rest up and see if you can come up with something even more stupid so you can be our first repeat winner. We're all pulling for you!

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

A Bad Blessing For Pastor Mike

2007-12-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

Here we are finishing up Week One of the Mike Huckabee (R-Um, Kind Of) juggernaut and he's already surrounded by so many red flags that it's hard to see his folksy grin. Of course, the red flags are only visible to discerning, real Republican voters who would rather win in the general election than make an ideological fetish statement in the primaries.

It was a big week for me too as I broke out my first conspiracy theory to explain the media frenzy surrounding Aw Shucks Huck and JFK Romney.

My none-too-fragile ego and I learned years ago that the universe seems hell-bent on proving me right so I've just sort of relaxed and accepted the responsibility. This week's validation came from the official publication of the Democratic National Committee, The New York Times. That the Times is unwittingly helping to support my theory should be enough for the rest of you to accept the verity of my pontification.

Frank Rich, which is the name Maureen Dowd goes by when she's wearing men's clothing, spent several paragraphs comparing Mike Huckabee to St. Obama in Sunday's Opinion section.

While not effusive in his praise of Huckabee, Rich wasn't the condescending one-note prick ex-theater critic to whom we're most often treated. I apologize for using the word "prick" to describe Rich but my spell-check always gives me grief for "peckerhead".

Sunday's article was notable because Rich has never written an entire paragraph about any Republican without leveling charges of racism, insensitivity or mental retardation. He's one of those guys who you can just tell was pulling for the Soviet Union during the Cold War. After the Soviet demise he had to settle for writing for the Opinion page of the Times, which is the next best thing to actually working for Stalin.

Lincoln was the last Republican the Times had anything nice to say about so why is Huckabee getting the soft treatment? Ah, we're back to my conspiracy theory now. I can only conclude that he's the guy who they think would be the easiest for any Democrat to trounce in the general election. Their thinking goes like this: if the MSM tells us he's our star we'll believe he's our star.

If you don't buy that the MSM believes it can dictate opinion just look at Rich's tortured logic explaining Huckabee's rise. It's not really about his social conservative credentials, it's because he was nicer about immigration during the YouTube debate. Be honest, Frank. The Times has a meth lab where most companies put the coffee room, doesn't it?

Rich also attributes Huckabee's popularity to an "uplifting" message that would transcend the partisan bickering that plagues Washington. Yeah, that made me throw up in my mouth a little too.

Knee-jerk partisanship occurs when a party is devoid of ideas, much like the modern Democrats. "We hate this administration!" isn't a platform, it's a hissy fit. I'm a big fan of the good kind of principled partisanship that's kept John Edwards' hand out of my wallet so far.

I asked last week who you wanted picking our nominee, us or MSNBC? Do you really want the New York Times sticking their leftist little fingers into the process?

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

Obama, Oprah, Oh-Oh

2007-12-09T01:40:00.000-08:00

Saint Barack Obama has finally figured out a way to not sound like a lightweight when he speaks: let Oprah do the talking.

The star maker herself hit the campaign trail to give His Blessedness a big boost in Iowa. Rumor has it she may purchase the state while there and give it to her next studio audience.

What's notable and/or frightening about this is that it is more than just a publicity ploy. An anointing from Oprah borders on priceless. All she has to do is nod at something and its value triples. Just a few years back we lived in a world without Dr. Phil or Rachael Ray. Then Oprah manufactured them in her basement and sent them out into the world to be rich and ubiquitous.

Even though Obama has spent the last year getting his leg humped by an adoring media he still trails The Madame by almost twenty points in the national polls. He's finally passed her in the Iowa polls though and is looking to increase that lead. He could have gone out and campaigned on his own to achieve this but that way he runs the risk of people actually paying attention to what he's saying now that he's the frontrunner. The last thing Obie needs is scrutiny when he speaks.

No one sells the broad generalities better than St. Obama. He's got the smile to peddle absolutely nothing and make it seem like a good idea.

"Every American should be happy and every day should have sunshine!"

Oprah says that Obama represents a "new direction" for America. Yeah, hard left.

Look at what Obama promises and all you really see is the same Democratic party repackaged socialism in the hands of a better salesman. When he starts talking specifics he comes up with gems like the claim that living overseas as a kid gives him better foreign policy credentials. I used to go to Mexico all the time when I was a kid but that doesn't make me an expert on NAFTA.

His health care plan talks about a partnership between private industry and the federal government which is somehow supposed to facilitate a reduction in paperwork. As we all know, nothing helps streamline any process like the involvement of the federal government. He sounds like he's campaigning to be president of Backwards Land with genius like that.

His plan for Iraq? Pull all the troops out by a specific date so the enemy can plan accordingly then use "the power of the presidency" to make Iraq and its neighbors figure out a way to play nice. There's no mention from Obama yet on whether "the power of the presidency" comes with a decoder ring and secret disguise.

He does promise to make sure that bird flu doesn't get all pandemic on us. I don't know that I've ever emitted as big a sigh of relief as when I read that. Screw terrorism and the economy, I want the next president working on bird flu.

The Oprah trip through Iowa really isn't going to focus the spotlight on Obama. That's probably just fine with him. Now, instead of mulling over the retread positions he's trying to sell as a new direction people at his campaign stops will just keep saying, "Holy crap! It's freakin' Oprah!"

It will now be his task to turn that into "I have no idea what he said but Oprah told me to vote for him."

And it just might work.