lana banana

THESEARETHEDAYS

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Fri, 27 May 2011 19:59:00 +0000

student 1: (~~playfully~~ socks student 2 in the shoulder)

student 2: (~~playfully~~ taps student 1 in the balls)

student 1: (bowls over)

student 2: awww, my bad, dude. did i hurt you?

student 1: (laughing) naw, i'm straight.

me: (to student 2) did you just sock him in the nuts?

student 2: (laughing) hell yeah. the secret to a good ball tap is flicking the wrist, ms. banana.

me: excellent. note to self . . .

EXO-POLITICS

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Fri, 27 May 2011 14:33:00 +0000

sooooooo . . . i've been called back for next year.

no, no exclamation point.

i AM happy, of course.

wait, no, RELIEVED. "happy" definitely is NOT the word.

out of 45 teachers laid off in my district, i'm one of 8 who has been asked to return . . . so far.

approximately 20 more people will get off of the RIF list if/when a "renegotiated contract vote" goes through. after that, another 17 will remain on the list. then, IF governor brown obtains approval for the tax extension, then the rest may be called back at any time thereafter.

for my part, any small modicum of joy i might feel at being able to return to my teaching position next year is substantially subdued by my colleagues' absence.

THERESISTANCE

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Fri, 20 May 2011 21:01:00 +0000

(1990, sun valley, ca: i'm the tall androgynous-looking kid with the paige-boy haircut . . . president of the future teachers of america club, 6th grade, at roscoe elementary school. oh, and btw, i was a narcissistic asshole back then, so that's why i wrote "me beautiful me" . . . i'm a dick.)

i hermit.

i hermit when things in my life go awry, which is, in recent days, much more often than i'd like. i hermit because it's painful--physically, mentally and emotionally painful--asking for help or for comfort. i prefer squirelling myself away into some dark corner and working things out.

alone.

so, i've been hermitting.

several weeks ago, i did, indeed, get RIFed (reduction in force, made redundant . . . canned . . . you get the idea).

i thought i was fine. i made jokes to all my friends about how i'd wash their windows, mow their lawns, clip their toe nails . . . and in a worst case scenario, prostitute my wares to the highest bidder.

well, i'm not ok.

as i face down the real possibility of losing the one thing i've ever really wanted to do, the one thing i've ever done well--teaching--i'm finding i'm definitely NOT OK.

teaching is all i've ever wanted to do.

when i was in 6th grade at roscoe elementary school in sun valley, i was president of the future teachers of america club.

and sure, i also wanted to be a rockette, an astronaut, mary poppins . . . and at my family's not-so-subtle behest, a lawyer . . . i always came back to teaching as my dream.

it was my FIRST CHOICE. yes, FIRST. not second or third. not plan B or C or D. it's what i've always dreamt of doing.

always.

and i believed--mistakenly so--that as long as i worked hard, loved the kids, taught them well, encouraged them, helped them, served as a good role model i'd get to keep on teaching.

but i was wrong.

although tenured, i didn't have sufficient seniority with which to save my faculty position.

and, apparently, what matters most is years of service, not the quality of that service.

it's so fucked. good and truly fucked. sans lube. dry, painful, inexpert, passionless fucked.

y'know, they say that "those who can't do, teach" . . . but some of us who CAN, CHOOSE to teach and teach WELL.

and we teach, yes, but we do so much more besides. we encourage and nurture and counsel and laugh and bring joy and knowledge and perspective and questioning and understanding . . . and if we're lucky, inspiration.

i take it back, peeps. i take it all back.

i don't want to wash your windows or mow your lawns or dole out pedicures or blowjobs.

i don't want to be a rockette or an astronaut or mary poppins or a lawyer.

i don't want to be a textbook editor or an administrator or a substitute.

i want to be what i've always been, what i've always known i'd be and what i always hope to be: a teacher.

THISMISERYWILLSUFFICE

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Thu, 19 May 2011 22:56:00 +0000

i awoke, only to find my lungs empty
through the night, so it seems i'm not breathing
and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
and i'm breaking down
i think i'm breaking down

and i'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
such as living with the uncertainties
that i'll never find the words to say
which would completely explain
just how i'm breaking down

i've become, the simple souvenir of someone's kill
like the sea, i'm constantly changing from calm to ill
madness fills my heart and soul
as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how i'm breaking down

someone come, someone come and save my life
maybe i'll sleep when i am dead
but now it's like the night is taking up sides
with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
could it be this misery will suffice

--dallas green, city and colour, "sleeping sickness"

THESMALLPRINT

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 19:59:00 +0000

it's that time again.

no, not time to see the dentist or my accountant (although, april 15th IS just around the corner . . .).

it's time for my yearly nether region check-up. or, as an ex-boyfriend used to call it, "the heart of darkness" check-up. which i think is totally bogus, not the least of which because there aren't any skulls or savages in my vagina.

not yet, anyway.

i really should be a big girl and cut out all the bullshit, but i have a bad track record with gynos. really bad.

until recently, i've always had male gynecologists. not a problem, right? wrong. they were either too nice (read: creepy) or mean ("why does a single woman need birth control?" i shit you not. a gyno ACTUALLY said that to me once). either over-the-top male feminists or misogynists.

but like i said, my current gynecologist is a woman. and a damn good, solid, honest, intelligent one at that. a real broad. a woman's woman. and i like her.

so, why don't i want to go?

i'll tell you.

last time i went to see dr. j, i nearly committed suicide.

where shall i begin?

let's start with the bathroom debacle.

i arrive and ask to use the ladies'. so, i go. but because i am a SERIOUS germophobe, i don't sit on the toilet. i hover. but because i bend too far over, the piss runs off my crotch and onto my underwear, pants and i even get some on my socks.

awesome.

then, dr. j's lovely nurse escorts me into the examination room, instructs me to disrobe fully and hands me a napkin.

ok, ok, it wasn't a napkin, it was a hospital gown the size of a napkin.

ok, ok, it wasn't a small gown, i'm just a fatass.

that's right, i said it: i'm a fatass.

i get naked and try putting on the gown and it only covers the front of my body.

excellent.

so, i sit in the examination chair and wedge myself in, hiding my backside, but not my complete and utter humiliation. not a problem, though. i'm used to humiliation.

dr. j finally comes in and we chit-chat, blah, blah, blah . . .

it's time for the exam.

she gets up and steps on the pedal that turns the examination chair in which i'm sitting into an examination table--almost as if by magic (but really it's hydraulics).

BUT NOOOOOOO . . .

not this time friends.

no.

the chair/table begins making the sorts of sounds buffalo make when they're fucking. wild, beastly, primitive, undomesticated, feral, barbaric fucking.

it snorts. it coughs. it barks. it moans. it wails and whines and whimpers and whoops and eventually CATCHES FIRE under the strain of lifting my robust figure.

ok, it wasn't a really big fire or anything, but it was a fire nevertheless! there was smoke, alright?!

all the while, dr. j smiles awkwardly, sheepishly and says, "~~you fucking cunt, you just broke my exam table!~~ this darn thing is sooooooo old. it's not YOU, honey. i just need to get a new chair."

uh, NO, dr. j, i just need liposuction and a muzzle.

then, both of us, red-faced and rattled, get up and move to the examination room next door.

well, dr. j does.

me? i stay put, mortified on a number of levels. i mean, honestly, does she really expect me to move? i would rather die, joan-of-arc-style, in a blaze of glory, spread-eagled and bare-assed, rather than prolong the abasement any longer.

plus, if i DO get up, the entire, continent-sized span of my white, latina ass will be on full display in front of god and everyone.

dr. j immediately sees the, erm, problem and hands me ANOTHER gown to put on, in reverse.

YES, TWO GOWNS . . . one MASSIVE ass.

wunderbar.

so aaaaaaanyway, if cancer weren't so scary, then i might be willing go toe-to-toe with it just to avoid another medical mishap . . .

MICROCUTS

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 16:00:00 +0000

tomorrow, some 50-60 teachers in my district (roughly 10 at my own school, which is approximately 10% of the faculty) will receive pink slips or RIFs (reduction in force slips).

ummm, here's hoping i still have a job next year . . . (fingers crossed)

and, uh, IF i DO get laid off . . . does anyone need a live-in maid? i do great windows.

MAPOFTHEPROBLEMATIQUE

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 23:38:00 +0000

lots of things go together.

peanut butter and jelly.

milk and cookies.

bert and ernie.

peas and carrots.

sonny and cher.

yin and yang.

vodka and i . . .

and, as i have learned in my line of work: embarrassing moments and teaching.

now, usually it's the kids who find themselves in humiliation's unforgiving spotlight while i stifle snickers and snorts in the shadows. but i, too, have had my fair share of mortifying moments in the sun.

ok, more than my fair share . . .

like the time i asked everyone to please pass up their ~~breasts~~ tests. and its sister moment: "i've graded all your chests."

or the time i was sitting at my desk between two students, a boy and a girl, and i passed an SBD (silent but deadly) fart . . . and blamed it on the boy.

or the time i asked for ~~jizz~~ just one moment . . .

and the list goes on, including my newest:

second period. full class. 42 students.

it was cold. (yeeeeeees, it gets cold in southern california.)

i'd worn a poncho to school. (yes, a PONCHO. but it was a very cool, very expensive, very awesome poncho. it was NOT a speedy gonzalez, frito bandito, or chiquita banana poncho. it was a sexy beast, badass, but still keepin' it classy, professional poncho.)

said poncho got itself stuck in my crack sometime between first period and second period. (what can i say? i've got some weight to lose, ok? so, yeah, it got in there good, alright? i mean, it was on an expedition. lewis and clark style. i'm serious. maybe it was looking for unchartered territory. maybe it was looking for gold . . . or jimmy hoffa . . . or atlantis . . . or el dorado . . . or the missing minutes from the watergate tape . . . i don't know, but it was up there good.)

i didn't feel it. (no comments, please.)

cheerleader: ms. banana, come here for a second.
me: why?
cheerleader: just come here for a moment.
me: WHY?
cheerleader: just do it.
me: (walks over to her seat) what's up?
cheerleader: (giggles) turn around.
me: why?
cheerleader: do it!
me: (turns)
cheerleader: (pulls poncho from my ass)
me: (feels violated!) what the ~~fuck~~?!?!
class: (rolls around on the floor laughing, dying)

is it not bad enough teachers get neither respect nor pay?

clearly, gahd hates teachers.

RULEDBYSECRECY

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 16:05:00 +0000

dear crusaders,

thank you for coming by, sharing your time and thoughts. this was incredibly fun! i do so look forward to visiting your blogs and writing together.

rach, a special thanks to you for organizing this crusade. you're amazing.

now, it's time to 'fess up . . .

here's the TRUTH:

the secret--i peed on coco. TRUE. i swear. don't know how she got in there. don't ask. BUT SHE DID.
the lie--my nephew and niece did not ask for a duck.
the (interesting) quirk--i like doing my "business" in the dark.
the annoying habit--i never close things properly. in this case: coco's cage.
one of my best character traits--i can see humor in ~~ANYTHING~~ most things.
one of my favorite things in the whole world--my family, especially my nephew and my niece, who are the light and laughter of my world.

AND

here's the TRUE STORY, in its entirety, which i wrote some time back:

not all of life's lessons come from wise, old, respectable sources like our parents, other elders, teachers, or religious scriptures. sometimes they come from much humbler, far less conspicuous places . . .

this is a true story about a hamster named coco.

my brother and his wife both have dog and cat allergies. so, when my nephew and niece got to that age in a child's life when it becomes absolutely necessary to have a pet, my brother and his wife bought them a hamster.

coco, may she rest in peace, was a lovely, delightful hamster. she was demure, petite, loyal, slow to anger, quick to laugh, clever with capacious cheeks and long, pearly white teeth. like all nocturnal creatures (and mobsters), she slept during the day and became active at night, running for hours on end on her little wheel under silvery moonlight.

it is this last that leads us to our tale . . . since i often babysat and am a notoriously light sleeper, in the evenings we’d necessarily move coco from the guest bedroom to the adjoining bathroom. coco, being the ever-gracious hostess, slept in the loo with nary an objection.

one morning, i awoke at the unholy hour of 3am for my usual early morning tinkle. with no lights or wits about me, i rolled from the toasty cosiness of my bed to the icily tenebrous bathroom. in complete darkness, i sat down on the toilet, and as my eyes adjusted to the stygian blackness, i strained to see little coco in her cage. but she was nowhere in sight.

i called to her. no response.

i glanced into the bath tub. nothing.

i turned and peered into the shower. still nothing.

i quickly scanned the floor. no coco.

panic began setting in.

where could she have gone?

had i properly shut her door the night before? how had she escaped? the children would never forgive me if i'd lost their coco.

my mind raced.

it went from the plausible: the children . . . was it them? had the children taken her upstairs to sleep with them without telling me?

to the impossible: la llorona? why not? with no children of her own, maybe she felt a hamster--especially one as handsome as coco--was a suitable replacement.

the chupacabras? not much blood in hamsters, to be sure, but perhaps all it wanted was a light midnight snack.

what? who? how?

WHY?

as i reached for some tissue, a sudden dread enveloped me. i'd checked everywhere for coco. that is, everywhere save the toilet on which i was sitting.

but, no . . . absurd! she couldn't have. could she? how could she even get in there?

using my kegels, i stopped midstream. i listened and then came the most horrifying, indeed, the most sickening sound i could have possibly heard at that moment . . .

splish . . . splash . . . splish . . . splash . . .

IT WAS COCO!

and i had just given her a golden shower.

OMG.

i stood up and looked into the toilet. THERE SHE WAS. there was little coco clinging to the side of the bowl for dear life.

oh, the humanity!

without a thought or moment's hesitation, i reached into the bowl and pulled her out. then, i rushed to the sink and turned on some warm water.

she didn't move.

i was terrified. had i killed her? i knew i shouldn't have had so much water before bed! (thank god we didn't have asparagus for dinner . . .)

i finished rinsing her, and placing her gently on one of the soft, fluffy, pink hand towels, i dried her off.

she still didn't move.

fuck!

please move, coco, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaase.

then came the desperate prayers to god: dear god, if you let coco live i promise to go to church, call my mother more often, stop using profanity . . .

and then, she keeled over.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, she's dead!

thanks a lot, pal!

she LITERALLY keeled over.

some people have the kiss of death.

i, I have the piss of death!

OMG.

i moved in very close.

i nudged her.

and i'll be damned if she didn't spring back to life like frankenstein's monster, scratching and snarling . . .

oh, thank you lord jesus!

then, slowly, coco sat up and began fluffing her fur. after about ten minutes, she was once again perfectly coiffed. she'd been to hell and back, but in true coco style, she didn't look one bit worse for the wear.

i tossed a towel over her and put her softly back in to her cage, making sure the lock was firmly shut.

no, i didn't tell my family. i didn't tell anyone.

until now . . .

and there you are, wondering why you've wasted five minutes of your life reading this shit.

well, little coco went on to live several more happy years at the banana household. and me, i learned a great lesson from that tiny creature: no matter how bad your life gets, you always have to keep a sense of perspective about you because i guarantee that even at its worst, your life is not so bad that you're in a toilet getting pissed on. not usually, anyway . . .

(yeah, ok, i'm sorry. and no, i can't give you your five minutes back.)

KNIGHTSOFCYDONIA

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 21:39:00 +0000

(what? and miss my chance to poke fun at religion?)

i've decided to try my hand at crusading . . . you know, minus the sword, the armor, the knights in white satin, the catholic guilt, the bloodshed and the trips to the middle east.

here's the challenge: in 300 words or less, i'm supposed to tell you . . .

one secret
one lie
one interesting quirk
one annoying habit
one of my best character traits, and
one of my favorite things in the whole world

what follows here encompasses all of the requisites above, but in no particular order. it is not an entirely original piece--as i have written about this story before--but rather a summary of a previous experience, which neatly fits the bill, methinks:

when my niece and nephew were little, they asked their parents for a pet. initially, they requested a fuliguline companion, but their pool was too small. next, they petitioned for a rabbit, bloviating and extolling the virtues of hares, but all to no avail. in the end, they got a hamster.

coco was a delightful hamster. petite, loyal, slow to anger, quick to laugh, clever with a blade-like wit, capacious cheeks and long, pearly white teeth, she--like all nocturnal creatures (and mobsters)--became active at night.

since i often babysat and am a notoriously light sleeper, in the evenings we’d necessarily move coco from the guest bedroom to the adjoining bathroom. coco, being the ever-gracious hostess, slept in the loo with nary an objection.

one morning, i awoke at the unholy hour of 3am for my usual early morning tinkle. with no lights or wits about me, i rolled from the toasty cosiness of my bed to the icily tenebrous bathroom. in complete darkness, i sat down on the toilet, and as my eyes adjusted to the stygian blackness, i strained to see little coco in her cage. but she was nowhere in sight.

calmly, i looked about, pondering coco’s whereabouts.

but as i reached for some tissue, a sudden dread enveloped me. i'd checked everywhere for coco. that is, everywhere save the toilet on which i was sitting.

absurd! she couldn't have. could she? how could she even get in there?

using my kegels, i stopped midstream and listened. then came the most horrifying, indeed, the most sickening sound i could have possibly heard at that moment . . .

splish . . . splash . . . splish . . . splash . . .

IT WAS COCO!

and i had just given her a golden shower.

can you figure out what's what?

ANSWERS THIS COMING FRIDAY.

UNITEDSTATESOFEURASIA

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 19:08:00 +0000

this just in: i have a sense of humor.

no, it's true.

kal just said so.

all this time i thought what i had was a penchant for crude, self-deprecating, foul-mouthed sarcasm, but now i know it's called "humor".

AWESOME!

thanks, kal!

FALLINGAWAYWITHYOU

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 05:51:00 +0000

SOOOOOOO . . . here are a few of my pictures from spring break, april 2010, in england and scotland.

late, yes, but suck it.

not a whole lot to say about my trip, other than it reaffirmed my love of all things united kingdom . . . and that i want to live there forever and ever and ever and EVER.

this time, no-one called me a "fat cunt" and prompted me to jump off of a bridge.

PROBABLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO WALES!

j/k.

i love my welsh peeps.

i had an incredible time--one i won't soon forget. wish i could do justice to all the beauty i saw, but alas, i have a shit camera.

basically, take my word for it and visit. and even if you've already gone, go back!

it's THAT wonderful.

lovely place. lovely people.

go.

NOW!

(all photos: edinburgh, scotland, uk. such a GORGEOUS place, edinburgh. more gorgeous, i think, than london. too bad the weather was utter shite and i couldn't take more or better photos. seriously fucking cool place. as if i wasn't already in love with the uk!)

(you just have to LOOOOOOOVE a people whose motto is: NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT. in latin: no-one injures me with impunity. or as i like to put it: nobody fucks with me and gets away with it, beeeeeeeyotch!)

(below: somewhere near auchterarder, scotland, uk.)

(so, i know you're tempted to say, "lana! OMG, you dyed your hair red, girl!" but actually, this isn't me, it's an aberdeen angus . . . AND I LOOOOOOOVE THEM! i named this one molly. they come in black, too! a bit like chewbacca made love with a cow.)

(THIS is me--though NOT in the uk. but it's me. and it's me from an angle that doesn't make me look fat. it IS possible. i call it the "facebook angle". you ever notice that almost all facebook photos are from THIS angle? it's because it makes people look thinner. like me. if you saw me in real life, you'd wonder, "who is the person in THIS picture?" . . . no, really.)

(all photos: fuck-if-i-remember, england, uk. this was either on the way TO oxford or on the way back to london FROM oxford. senility is hitting me early, y'all.)

(all photos: oxfordshire, england, uk. blenheim palace, birthplace of sir winston churchill.)

(all photos: london, england, uk. walk along the thames.)

(wish i could say this photo is about showing you a beautiful tree in brilliant bloom, but it's more about showing you two stupid twats in the center of my shot going around picking daffodils in the park. fucking bitches! you see with your eyes, not with your hands, damn you!)

(just keepin' it classy, y'all. keepin' it classy.)

(i loved this painting, though i can remember neither its name nor its artist's name . . . it's hanging in the tate modern, though, if you want to pop by.)

(all photos: london, england, uk. borough market . . . GET IN MY BELLY!)

STOCKHOLMSYNDROME

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 04:49:00 +0000

(all photos: june 2010, sequoia national park, ca.)

my favorite place on earth.

THOUGHTSOFADYINGATHEIST

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 04:39:00 +0000

while we're on the subject of THINGS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO LANA BANANA, let's talk about weddings . . .

and bridal diapers!

you heard me.

BRIDAL D I A P E R S.

that's right, ladies, if you ever find yourself under 700 pounds of unweildy tulle, crinoline and silk on your wedding day with a dire need for the loo, then look no further than your own underpants!

'cause who needs a toilet when you've got BRIDAL DIAPERS?!

after all, they're not just for infants and seniors anymore!

("it's like a g-string, honey, but not, if you see what i mean.")

now when you say, "I DO!" . . . you can also say, "I DOO DOO!" . . . or, "I POO! . . . and/or, "I PEE!"

i'm here all week folks . . .

TIMEISRUNNINGOUT

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 15:08:00 +0000

i teach kids.

well, more often than not, they teach ME, but this aside . . . i teach kids.

i don't want to HAVE kids. you know, as in, birth them and bring them up.

that's right, i said it: i am 33 and i don't want to have kids.

forever, you ask?

probably.

more than likely. (if anything, i might adopt older children.)

and NO, i'm not infertile. NO, my parent's didn't beat me. NO, i wasn't molested or otherwise sexually assaulted . . . EVER. NO, i wasn't bullied as a child.

i am FINE.

i just don't want to have kids.

is this so hard to believe?

yesterday, someone--a person whom i love and who knows me well--got into a conversation about this with me. as teachers, we had a lengthy discussion about parenting (the good, the bad and the ugly) . . . which ended with our own feelings about procreating.

she--a beautiful, solvent and intelligent (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially) woman in her early 30s--declared she is all but itching for children of her own.

i said i could pass. that if the planets aligned just right, then maaaaaaaybe, but that, as above, more than likely not.

this is what i got: "how can a TEACHER not want babies? i just don't get how someone who obviously loves children so much cannot want some of her own."

on and on and on . . .

it doesn't end there.

seems like every person i tell--man or woman--about my NON-desire is bowled over.

if i told people i enjoyed drowning puppies in my spare time, i could NOT get more damning looks.

a while back, i fell for an amazing man. i said to myself, "self, this is THE one."

amongst other things--and i'll be the first to admit that there were, indeed, OTHER THINGS--the relationship ended because, as he put it, "ONE DAAAAAAAY, lana, you'll change your mind. you'll want kids." he didn't want more children (he already had two from a previous marriage), but was 100% certain i WOULD.

REALLY???

i mean, fucking REALLY???

can i have tomorrow's lottery numbers while you're at your crystal ball, you fucking prick (note: he's not REALLY a prick, i'm just riled)?!

this is such complete, utter poppycock!

i guess i'm just stupid because i don't get it. i just don't get it. why is it perfectly fine for a man to say he doesn't want children, but sacrilegious for a woman to claim the same?

that's not a rhetorical question.

i'm serious.

any takers?

SINGFORABSOLUTION

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 18:04:00 +0000

ACTUAL comments i put on students' essays from semester I:

1) "Dear _____,
There is nothing you cannot achieve if you work hard enough. Life puts up walls not to block you from your dreams, but to force you to prove the strength of your desires. Build a ladder, climb a rope, go around, or dig a hole . . . Whatever you must do to get to other side of life's walls, do it. Work harder next time."

2) "Dear _____,
People can take everything away from you . . . cars, clothes, money, family, friends and even your dignity. The only thing people can't take away from you is what you put inside your mind. Work harder next time."

3) "Dear _____,
You're beautiful, but only your brain will get you into college. Long after your beauty has faded, your mind's radiance will still shine. Work harder next time."

do y'all see a theme developing here?

4) "Dear _____,
I was born in another country, came to the US as a poor immigrant who didn't speak the language, my father was killed by a drunk driver when I was just 10, crime and drugs ran rampant in my neighborhood and I have dyslexia. I was also on varsity cheerleading, practiced karate, did student council and volunteered at a home for senior citizens in high school, then graduated at the top of my class and obtained a full scholarship to UCLA, where I, again, graduated with highest honors.

You can make excuses or you can make it happen. Make it happen. Work harder next time."

AND FINALLY, AS I WAS ABOUT TO DRINK THE MAGIC KOOL AID AND CALL IT A DAY . . . REDEMPTION . . .

5) "Dear _____,
THANK YOU for working so hard on this piece. Your dedication to knowledge and self-improvement is an inspiration to me. You make being a teacher worthwhile."

i work my ass off teaching, and it really sucks when, despite my best efforts, my students blow me off. fortunately, making me happy is easy . . . just one hard-working kid reeled me back into the craft.

BUTTERFLIESANDHURRICANES

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 23:13:00 +0000

apparently, i have a thing for close-up nature photography . . . sue me.

maybe this cantankerous exterior of mine has a few cracks.

maybe not.

(all photos: august 2010, san juan capistrano, ca. sjc mission.)

HOORAYFORHOLLYWOOD

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:38:00 +0000

(2010: huntington beach, ca. holly, femme fatale extraordinaire.)

i don't have many friends.

it's true.

hard to believe, i know, right? all this charm, grace and eloquence . . . and only a handful of friends.

fact is that it takes a special, brilliant, clever, attractive, interesting, intelligent, intellectual, witty, strong, vivacious sort of person to be friends with me.

enter holly vance of crime, thriller, horror and one bad romance.

holly is one of the fiercest women i've ever met: a devoted teacher, a loyal friend and a talented writer . . .

yesterday, she fired up her own corner of the net. if you like me, you'll LOVE her. actually, even if you hate me, you'll STILL love her. ACTUALLY, if you're breathing and have just two synapses to rub together, you'll love her 'cause she's just that fab.

word.

HATETHISANDI'LLLOVEYOU

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 19:28:00 +0000

i was going to write y'all a valentine's day poem, but i thought you might prefer a picture of me.

yeah, so . . . happy valentine's day!

xoxo,

lana

SUPERMASSIVEBLACKHOLE

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 19:22:00 +0000

(just wanted all of you to see that i'm STILL keepin' it classy.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

yeah, it's mid-february. so fucking what? i got a late start.

and yeah, i know my last post was LAST january . . . i ain't getting paid for this shit, after all . . .

SUNNYDAYSWEEPIN'THECLOUDSAWAY

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 15:56:00 +0000

(2010: anaheim, ca. the view outside my balcony. palm trees and a perfectly clear, blue sky. mmmmmmm. this is what i's talkin' 'bout, yo!)

fuck yeah!

THE SUN IS OUT.

THE SKY IS BLUE (i no longer am).

and my will to live is BACK!

you know, i'm from southern california. before socal, i was on the pacific beaches of costa rica.

i am not used to rain.

i am especially not used to SIX STRAIGHT DAYS of rain.

(or, you know, uh, tornado warnings in the next town over, long beach, which is only 15 minutes away!)

if we'd had another day of rain, i may have had to kill myself.

fortunately, the gods have smiled upon me and i live to whinge another day.

woohoo!

RAINDROPSAREFALLIN'ONMYHEAD

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 01:52:00 +0000

("deluge" by brij sondhi. meerut, india.)

kid: ms. banana, did you know it's going to rain about 10 feet this week?!?!
me: oh, yeah? how do YOU know?
kid: i read about it.
me: (i call bullshit!) no way.
kid: no, seriously.
me: no, i mean, there's NO WAY you actually read something . . .

so, yes, it's been pouring in el lay since monday. the rain has washed away roads, houses, hillsides, people, my will to live . . .

WETELLEACHOTHERFAIRYTALES

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 01:58:00 +0000

when did i exchange fearlessness for fear?
when did i exchange courage for apathy?
when did i exchange hope for despair?

it is little wonder i am left with nothing.

poor of spirit.
poor of heart.
poor of mind.

a beggar at life's table.

lem

SHE'SMYCHERRYPIE

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 18:55:00 +0000

the bitches' cooking club met last night.

yes, i agree, i probably shouldn't be part of a group that meets expressly for the purposes of getting drunk and stuffing their collective face.

but it's only once a month, so i think i'm safe.

(uh huh, this is what addicts tell themselves, too. i know)

anyhow, it was delicious, loud, rude and funny.

fifteen women and more university degrees than you can shake a stick at, but no outside observer would ever have guessed we're a supremely gifted group given the topics we covered:

1) why bacon makes everything better. possibly even sex. (maybe THAT'S my problem. i clearly don't eat enough pork.)

2) how robert redford is still worth fucking, even though the skin on his face looks like shoe leather.

3) a lengthy discussion on heidi montag's new plastic surgery . . . the consensus was that plastic surgery is cool if A) you do it for YOURSELF and B) you're aware it won't make up for your lack of active synapses . . . no matter how big the implants.

4) 80s movies really are THE BEST.

5a) REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLLY nice furniture makes up for not having a steady, solid, solvent, sane, sensitive, secure, sweet boyfriend ANY DAY.

5b) we all wish we liked pussy as much as cock because then we could be lesbians and generally avoid dealing with the opposite sex.

and last, but not least, we need a new name.

"cooking club chicks", we all agreed, sucks.

so, if you have any suggestions, we'd love to hear 'em.

LIKEABLISTERINTHESUN

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:00:00 +0000

true story (i have to say this 'cause with all the craziness that goes on in my life, y'all must think i make this shit up. well, i don't):

on thursday of this week, ms. teacher x (not her real name), who teaches next door to me (american literature, ages 15-17), sees a flash go off in her first class of the day. it's early and there are only 5 students in her room.

mx: you cannot take photos of me or of my classroom. you know this. it's in my syllabus. and it's against school rules to have your phone out in class. please delete that picture from your phone at once.

kid: sure, no problem. sorry. there . . . it's deleted.

mx: show me. i want to make sure it's gone. bring me your phone.

kid: sure. here's my phone.

at this point, ms. x takes the kid's phone and scrolls through the photos as the kid watches over her shoulder.

she doesn't find her picture, but she does, suddenly, see a photo of the kid's penis.

yes, the kid's penis.

barf.

ms. x summarily clasps the phone shut, thrusts it back into the kid's hand and looks away.

OMFG.

kid: i'm so sorry, ms. x. i forgot that was on there. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it was for a girl, she asked me to do it.

mx: i understand.

then, she picks up the phone, calls security, who confiscates the phone and escorts the kid down to the dean of discipline, where his parents are called and asked to come to school for a conference with THE WHOLE WORLD.

if that'd been me instead of ms. x, i would've died.

to ms. x's credit, she was calm and composed . . . the consummate professional.

after the kid leaves, the other students ask, "why'd you do that? it was just a picture!"

yeah, JUST a picture that can JUST be photoshopped in JUST about a million different ways . . . some of which could get her fired.

anyway, the kid went back to class yesterday. he was, according to ms. x, good-natured and mature about the whole thing. apologized to her, again. understood why she had to turn him in . . .

i mean, can you imagine if she hadn't?

kid: hey, guys, ms. x saw a picture of my wang . . .

and then the whole thing gets all out of whack.

the moral: if you're gonna take pictures of your privates, make sure you delete them afterwards. hmmm?

ANDTHEYCALLEDITPUPPYLOVE

noreply@blogger.com (Lana Banana) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 02:47:00 +0000

i confiscated this from a male student in my english I (ages 13-15) class. i was lecturing and saw he was feverishly scribbling in the back . . . at first, i was flattered, thinking he was so diligent in his lecture notes, but then . . .

verbatim (mistakes and all), you know, except the names, 'cause i'm a bitch, but not that big a bitch:

"Dear Jane,

To start I LOVE YOU! I wanna spend the rest of my life with you because you make me happy and when I'm around you I feel like if there's butterflies in my stomach.

I thought I would be able to stop loving you, but it is impossible. I grew too attached to you and I have so many great memories with you.

I'm so thankful that I met you because you're different from every other girl because you're beautiful, smart, brilliant, caring and you're just a "keeper".

I'm sorry for all the harm I've caused you. I wish I could just take all of it back, but like you told me, "You learn from your mistakes."

I look forward to the future. Do you think we'll ever get married? I guess we'll find out when we're older.

Remember that I promise you that we will never ever leave each other or break apart. I'm keeping my promise forever and ever. Just remember that even though we're fighting, I'm always going to be right here for you no matter what happens.

I want you because I notice that when you are around me you're happy and I always want you to be happy. I want you so I can spoil you with love and everything you need. I want you because I know I can treat you better than those piece of shit exes you had, who hurt your heart. I don't want you to go through all of that again.

CONTRACT

By the power in vested in me, Bob, I give you, Jane, my body, my heart and my soul. The only way this contract can be broken is if the owner of Bob, you, Jane, decides that you don't want me anymore.

Love,

Bob

PS:

Ummm . . . I love you, Boo.

PPS:

Let's get married?

PPPS:

You have BEAUTIFUL eyes!"

now, why can't i get men to say/do this kind of shit for ME?!?!

wait, don't answer that.

ps: i gave the kid his letter back.

pps: but not until i'd read it and transcribed it for posterity.

ppps: yeah, ok, I AM THAT BIG A BITCH.

pppps: fuck you, you'd have done the same thing.