Obama: We totally agree on abortion.

Cardinal George: No….um….we don’t.

Obama: Yeah, we totally do!

Cardinal George: No….um…we really don’t.

Obama: Of COURSE we do! I want there to be less abortions.

Cardinal George: But, um, you believe in abortions.

Obama: No, I don’t.

Cardinal George: Um…yes, yes you do.

Obama: Yeah, I do, but we believe the same thing.

Cardinal George: *head smacking desk*

Now, the Pope is more tolerant of people who have no idea what they’re talking about than Cardinal George, because, after all, he’s the Pope. That’s his job. He may not agree with what you’re saying, but rest assured he’s praying for the conversion of your soul. As well all are. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Barack.

Anywhoo, according to Vatican media it went surprisingly well:

Pope Benedict gave US President Barack Obama a surprise gift of the Vatican bioethics document “Dignitatis Personae,” and discussed the ethics of abortion and embryo research in their first meeting in Rome this afternoon…

At the end of the meeting, Pope Benedict told the president, “A blessing on all your work and also for you.” The president responded, “Thank you very much. We look forward to a very strong relationship.”

The Vatican has made unusual accommodations for the visit, scheduling it in the late afternoon before Obama proceeds to a visit to Africa and allowing extensive live video coverage. The tradition-conscious Vatican normally schedules such meetings for midday…

“Oh, what we discussed earlier,” said Obama, referring to their closed-door discussions. “I will have some reading to do on the plane.”

Obama was given the instruction to help him better understand the church’s position on bioethics, Msgr. Georg Ganswein, papal secretary, told journalists in the pool covering the visit.

Nice. Well, lets all hope and pray that he sees something interesting in there before he decides to go and propose a vote on the Freedom of Choice Act. We need all the help we can get. God provides, but Obama’s a pretty big job even for God. That whole “Born Alive Act” thing is pretty big deal, and rest assured, the Pope has heard about it. Obama might think he’s not paying attention, but he definitely is.

I kind of hope that Obama DOES have some sort of conversion experience. Maybe it’ll send a message to liberal American Catholics that they have a thing or two to brush up on.

Obama and Sarkozy are both world leaders are pictured staring at not one but two luscious European asses, and only one of those two can legitimately believe his country is…ahem…behind him on the subject. In France, I suspect Sarkozy’s countrymen would wonder why he passed up opportunities like that. In Italy, for example, appreciation of the female anatomy is practically a pastime.

I feel like we should cut Obama a break, personally. He’s just trying to fit in. After all, if you want to accomplish a diplomatic success, you need to play with your opponents on their field…right?

UPDATE: Self-identified feminists defend/excuse his behavior in five…four…three…two…

After passing on dinner with the French president to go on a date in the City of Light with his wife last month, President Obama took leave of his Russian hosts on Tuesday night to seclude himself in his Moscow hotel with his wife, Michelle, and their daughters.

The first family enjoyed a relaxed evening at the O2 Lounge, the super-chic, super-pricey rooftop club at the new Ritz-Carlton, although no doubt the Secret Service first cleared the place of most if not all of the swaggering tycoons and leggy models who flock to such Moscow venues….

The decision to brush off the Russians on one of his two nights here miffed some in the Moscow government who did not understand why he would not devote the scarce time to his hosts. Mr. Obama had dinner with President Dmitri A. Medvedev on Monday and lunch with him on Tuesday. But with the second dinner slot unavailable, he ended up having breakfast Tuesday with Prime Minister Vladimir V. Putin, a known night owl not given to American-style early morning business meals.

I’m not your biggest fan, Obama, so take this with that in mind, but we didn’t hire you to hang out with your family or act like Kwame Kilpatrick on a club tour through DC. You know how screwed up all those White House kids always are? Yeah, its because Presidents don’t normally blow off diplomatic relations to “hang out” with their families at expensive Russian restaurants that you probably have to text the proprietor to enter. I get it; I wouldn’t trust plebeian Russian food, either. But seriously. You’re a world leader. Act like one. Or at least hire someone who can cover up your misdeeds with plausible excuses.

And while you’re at it, please have your personal assistant purchase a sweater for Michelle. Her arms must be freezing!

Alec Baldwin is apparently taking advantage of the new discovery that Americans will, indeed, vote anyone into office by declaring a possible candidacy for some future office he hasn’t really thought about yet. The success of this depends entirely on whether celebrities in office run as themselves or run as characters they’ve played, with Al Franken, will we get Stuart Smalley or Al Franken? Which one is more terrifying? And should we get Stuart Smalley, will that bode well for an Alec Baldwin run as he would adopt the persona of his character from Glengarry Glen Ross, or better yet, Jack Donaghy?

Michael Jackson was laid to rest in perhaps the most macabre circus act ever witnessed and subsequently broadcast by every network on television. People of all stripes cried their eyes out as humanity verified whatever watching alien race’s analysis that we’ve outlived our usefulness and can no longer engage in any kind of intellectual pursuit. Lest you think I’m being insensitive, lets be real for a second. Everyone on that stage could, at some time in Michael’s life, with the possible exception of other celebrities, have stepped in to prevent his tragic death. In their eternal wisdom, instead, they waited until he died and then used his funeral as a way to relaunch their careers or interject themselves into yet another situation where they enjoy limited relevancy. In that cast of characters, Al Sharpton may very well have been the most honest.

And yes, the GOP is still leaderless.

Cheery!

Thank you.

Saying she is taking her fight “in a different direction,” Sarah Palin announced today that she will resign as governor of Alaska and will not seek a second term.

At a press conference outside her home in Wasilla, Palin said she will leave office at the end of this month. And while she did not discuss specific future plans, she said that she was “determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and it is not so comfortable.”

“My choice is to take a stand and affect change, not just hit our head against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new political environment. Rather, we know we can affect positive change outside government at this moment in time on another scale and actually make a difference for our priorities - so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.”

In a rambling speech that relied heavily upon criticisms of the time and money being expended in state government, Palin said she had given her reasons “very candidly, truthfully,” though actually she gave little in the way of concrete reasons for her departure, and did not take any questions.

.

I can’t even imagine what is about to come down. The silence is deafening. What is going on? I can’t even begin to tell. I realize that the left is basically dedicating this as their Independence Day, and are, collectively, about to roast her ass over their BBQ pits and toast her with cheap sangria, as though this is somehow their victory, but I can’t imagine that there is any reality, any situation from the past that would require such a drastic measure. I mean, she’s out. Totally out. There is no future gubernatorial run. There’s no Senate run. There’s no future Presidential run. But they didn’t destroy her; they couldn’t have. All they threw at her were a few lazy accusations that they pulled out of their nether regions. To quote every Star Wars character ever written as they stare down the ominous clouds of an unknown future: “I’ve got a very bad feeling about this.”

These past few weeks, I know, have been tough on her, not because they actually were tough, but because she has such a terrifically awful public relations team that they were unintentionally murderous, though I am still not convinced that it was to her career. Every perceived threat, every tiny digression, even some that were horribly small and stupid — that photoshop, for example — was approached with the kind of subtle chiding normally reserved for the host of the Glenn Beck show. In other words, they acted like a cable news blowhard or an irrelevant politician, manufacturing fake outrage and crocodile tears on command. But then again, being a constant presence in the media, fighting back hard: that’s a mark of someone who wants to stay in the spotlight and not fade into irrelevance as a traveling political salesman. This is the exact opposite of what happened today.

Her speech was long and rambling, which implies she didn’t want to give it, or that it was hastily crafted. Her reasons were pretty awful: lame ducks do more harm than good, she can serve America better not being governor, blah, blah, blah, blah. She didn’t tell anyone. She’s out. No doubt about that.

I can’t say I’m not disappointed. She was a huge hope to so many of us. I don’t really know what to say, which is odd for me in general, so anticipate that this isn’t the last word you’ll hear on it. Rest assured, I’ll be here. I saw this through in the beginning, I’ll see it through to the end.

The Obama administration will proceed with a Bush-era plan to use National Security Agency assistance in screening government computer traffic on private-sector networks, with AT&T as the likely test site, according to three current and former government officials.

President Obama said in May that government efforts to protect computer systems from attack would not involve “monitoring private-sector networks or Internet traffic,” and Department of Homeland Security officials say the new program will scrutinize only data going to or from government systems.

How come no one believed George W. Bush when he said that the NSA wouldn’t monitor any of your personal information unless they had reason to suspect you were a terrorist? Oh, that’s right, because, on this particular subject he was totally untrustworthy. In my most sincere impression of an A-Team-era Mr. T: “I pity the fool” who believes that just because Barack is a control-hungry statist, he’ll avoid peeking into your store of private data.

I’m not one of those Michelle Bachman kooks whose concern over Obama’s birth certificate was recently replaced with a willingness to dole out $5K in federal fines because they’re too stupid to send their own census form in, thus heading off ACORN at the pass, but I still tend to think that if the government can the government will, particularly when it comes to the Interwebs and the “War on Terror.” In this case, Obama’s not just re-upping a Bush plan, either: he’s extending the NSA’s reach into private-sector networks, whereas during Bush’s liberal-Gulaging police state, Einstein 3, as the plan is called, was just a twinkle in the military industrial complex’s eye. Now under, Obama, the administration will work with telecommunications companies, like the ones that provide your Internet, to route traffic to govenrnment websites from affiliated civilian agencies through a box that “catches” Trojan horses. Once they have that under control, it seems like the logical next step will be to route all civilian traffic to websites for things like the State and Commerce department through a similar device.

I feel so safe just thinking about it.

Gwyneth Paltrow says Spain has “became a second home.”

“It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it’s from 500 B.C., it’s incredible,” she tells the Associated Press.

“Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more,” she continued. “They aren’t running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don’t always have their BlackBerry on.”

I like Spain, too. In fact, I like a lot of the things you like. I even “nourish my inner aspect” (WTF?) when I get your stupid newsletter where you tell me to buy things that I can’t afford (but can usually get on Overstock for under $25), and talk about making sandwiches with Mario Batali, and visiting a “healing modality” where they make you lie on a table naked while they stick you with pins. I love how the newsletter’s question-and-answer portion has a horribly banal and simplistic question that could be answered by Websters like “what is addiction?” and “do you like frenemies?” asked to totally random, utterly pretentious people like a Zen master who tell you to sit in particular yoga poses to minimize your reality or whatnot. The whole, entire thing is so utterly incomprehensible it makes me think I might actually have picked up a second language without ever having to dish out $200 on Rosetta Stone.

But see, Gwyneth, I love you because you’re ridiculous. My hair? Also stick straight, but would I walk around looking like a blonde zombie? Would I go to a red carpet event where I deliberately didn’t wear a bra so my boobs look like chicken cutlets inexplicably frozen in silk georgette? No. I wouldn’t. But I’m okay with you doing it, because you run the line between unintentionally hilarious and sort of pitiable. You once wore leather shorts, Gwyneth.

So needless to say, I’m unconvinced of your assessment of American life. Partly because I’m not entirely sure, from your description, that you are actually in Spain.

UPDATE: Also, she lived with a Spanish family? Doesn’t she have enough money to rent something?

It would only be more tragic if Franken made a video where he was failing to apologize for his wrongdoings, while, at the same time, going into great detail about his repeated transgressions, but thankfully, we have Mark Sanford to fill that void.

So its time for a happy distraction. The Obamas are about to head off on vacation, and they’re going to Cape Cod. Martha’s Vineyard, specifically.

President Barack Obama and his family plan to vacation next month on Martha’s Vineyard, Democratic sources said.

The trip has long been rumored on the island, where federal agents were reported to be checking out property last spring.

The plan puts the Obamas in one of America’s most diverse resort areas. The enclave of Oaks Bluff has long been a favorite vacation spot for the nation’s African-American elite.

That’s really sweet, but I do believe John F. Kennedy would enjoy having his entire persona left alone. Sure, the J.Crew couture was a relatively new establishment, and hell if Barack Obama would be caught playing a game of pick-up football, but at some earlier time we discussed how portraying the Obama’s as Camelot II needlessly and pre-emptively pigeonholed them into a downward spiral of failure. After all, the Kennedy’s are, alternately, terribly shady and awfully tragic, with their short, indiscretion-filled lives, subsequent financial losses, Betty Ford stays and sailing accidents, forgotten only in the wake of their early, often violent deaths. As pretty as the pictures and the pillbox hats are, being a Kennedy is not something most straight-thinking people would aspire to. I mean, I like summering at the Cape as much as the next yuppie poseur, but I recognize that while I enjoy aspects of that life, I wouldn’t want all of it.

Its sort of like saying I’d love to have a chimpanzee that followed me everywhere just like Ben did with Michael Jackson, but I’d rather not have the whole Demerol-addiction, hapless band of lunatic handlers, and sequin fixation that actually being Michael Jackson would involve.

Plus, I can imagine that the longtime residents of Cape Cod will be uber-pissed when they find that their early bird dinner reservations are all booked by Secret Service agents and West Wing staff.

So I suppose this means that John Edwards is officially on the D-List.

Former presidential candidate John Edwards is out of luck if he hoped that the extramarital affairs of Gov. Mark Sanford and Sen. John Ensign would take people’s minds off his own cheating scandal.

Former Edwards aide Andrew Young says the ex-senator and his former mistress, Rielle Hunter, once made a sex tape, according to someone who has seen Young’s book proposal.

St. Martin’s Press just inked a deal with Young, who also says in his proposal that, contrary to his public statement last year, he is not the father of Hunter’s infant daughter — Edwards is. Edwards has denied that.

If there were ever anyone on this planet who would make me violently ill upon seeing them naked, I would say that John Edwards is right up there on my list. I’m not sure he’d be at the top, considering the real lookers there are in politics, homeless people on the bus, etc., but seriously. No. Ew. No. Seriously. I can’t even imagine being remotely attracted to the man, the hair particularly. On the other hand, of course, I’d be curious to see if he ever allows it to be mussed up. Does Princess Silky Pony allow his coif to get messy in the act of love? Better yet, is his hair somehow involved in a kinky foreplay exercise?

Of course, I think, should I ever see that tape, I would immediately either enter a convent, as I could never, in good conscience, engage in any remotely romantic activity ever again, let alone be touched, touch anyone, or hell, think again without screaming in terror, a result of my inevitable post-traumatic stress disorder, or I would go all Thoreau on the world, becoming an outspoken anti-technology, pro-eating-squirrel activist not unlike Mike Huckabee.

Who would, yes, also be at the top of my list.

Eeeesh.