American Puzzle

10 Things Every Divorced Person Over 40 Knows (About the Next Relationship)

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Mon, 21 Jul 2014 20:06:00 +0000

I just finished reading this sweet and empowered article on HuffPost called 10 Things Only People Over 30 Know About Dating, chuckled at some points and shook my head at others. This piece inspired me to think about what I know about relationships at 44, after being married for 10 years (1997-2007), and experiencing probably the kindest, most undramatic divorce ever. It lacked so much drama that we remain friends to this day. But to my point. I fancy myself a bit wiser now than I was in my 20s and 30s, and I certainly have the psychological battle scars to support that hard-won attitude. As I was reading this HuffPost piece, I realized that what I now know about being in a relationship after being married, and then single for four years, and then dating a bit before finding the perfect man for me, will probably sound very familiar to anyone else who is in this position. To the list!

10. You both have ingrained attitudes and ideas that will not change. This is the one that my love and I butt heads about all the time, but we always recover because in the end, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that we disagree about politics or see the world through different lenses. In the end, we honor each other's experiences and accept that our differences stem from a lifetime of experience - a lifetime that, until relatively recently, didn't include both of us. There is no need to compromise on what we each know - expecting to change your partner's mind or expecting compromise is an exercise in futility and a complete waste of energy - we simply have to acknowledge and accept our partner's hard-won wisdom as legitimate. Suddenly, with this shared mindset, it's easy to laugh off and forgive statements that would have set off World War III in our 20s. Because in the end, those ideas and attitudes don't (and shouldn't) affect how you treat each other day to day.

9. You both have limitations and must accept this. Perhaps this is just a function of physically aging, but limitations come in all forms and can be frustrating to deal with. If your partner has a limitation that you find frustrating, no good will come from anger or a lack of acceptance. You both have limitations and must accept each other's limitations without judgment. Find a way to make it work because there is more to your partner than those limitations.

8. You must see beneath the surface. Being physically attracted to your mate is important, yes, but striving for an unrealistic laundry list of surface attributes is a surefire way to miss out on someone wonderful. When my honey and I met online, I found the photo of him in Grundens holding a large dead fish quite intriguing because I am also an angler. But many women wouldn't have even clicked onto his profile because of that picture. And thank goodness they didn't. Because he is so much more than a guy who fishes. He is funny, and my intellectual equal to the point of beating me quite frequently at Scrabble. He writes well, loves experiencing adventures with me, and tries to understand all of my ingrained attitudes and ideas. If you look at our physical forms, you would see a 44 year old woman and a 47 (almost 48) year old man who both look like they enjoy eating out entirely too much and who probably never go to the gym - how shameful! Not. Physical appearance really isn't everything. In fact, it becomes secondary very quickly. Seeing beneath the surface opens a whole world of joy, comfort, acceptance, love, and generosity that just is not available to those who stay on the surface.

7. Together, you should form the calm at the center of life's storms. This is something I didn't understand when I was married. But I get it now. It is so vitally important that your relationship be the calm center - it must not be the storm itself. When shitty people damage you, when systems beat you down, when family turns on you, when everything goes haywire-screwy, the one person you should always, without question or fail, be able to turn to for help, advice, comfort, and calmness, is your partner. If your partner adds stress to your life, then that isn't the right partner for you. Find the one you want to run to when life goes wonky. Find the one who soothes your spirit when the world crushes you. It makes all the difference.

6. Compromise is non-negotiable. I know I just said that ingrained attitudes and ideas will not be compromised, and that still stands. The compromise I'm referring to is the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly decisions that you will face together. You must both be willing to compromise and give in to the other. When this comes from a place of love and understanding, no one loses. Sometimes I give in because I know the activity is something he will truly love. Sometimes he gives in because he knows how much I want that experience. In the end, all of the compromises balance out and you both get exactly what you want: A willing partner.

5. It is important to share your dreams, goals, and plans for the future. The big goals and plans that you each have as individuals should be shared as soon into the relationship as possible (maybe even while dating) because you'll want to know if your goals and plans are compatible and there is no conflict. For instance, if I wanted to move to Boise, Idaho for a job and he was unable to pick up and go, that's an important conversation to have. Compromise will likely come into play here, but being secretive about your plans and goals is a bad idea. Plus, sharing means you have a great chance of finding shared dreams and goals, and nothing is sweeter than planning to achieve those together.

4. Respect each other's independence. You are both fully formed adults with histories and experiences that make you who you are today. You both have homes, possibly mortgages, hobbies, friends, and careers that were formed and in place well before you met. Nobody likes to be told what to do or how to live, least of all after being independent for so many years. Respect each other's independence, while looking forward to and enjoying every moment you do spend together.

3. Be interested in your partner's life and interests. This seems like a no-brainer, but it is something that I learned a long time ago and it remains important in relationships. You cannot be selfish and self-centered, expecting your partner to bend to your interests all the time. You really need to not just participate in your partner's interests and activities, but do so wholeheartedly without misgivings. If your partner senses that you are just going along to appease and to bide your time, this will cause heartache and disharmony down the line. Better to jump in with both feet and just go for it so that your partner will return the favor.

2. Have the hard conversations. Oh boy, this is something that I still think about from when I was married. So many hard conversations that we either never had or didn't have enough. It is a mistake to avoid difficult subjects with the person you love and trust. You must be willing to trust your partner with your vulnerability, your fears, and your deepest truths. Hard conversations come in all subjects and at our age, it sometimes involves discussing health care directives, power of attorney, and death (of family members, of ourselves) and sometimes it involves discussing increasing physical limitations or sex. Myriad subjects can fall into this "hard conversation" category, but whatever the subject, you owe it to yourself and to each other to delve deeply together. You will emerge with an even stronger bond.

1. Live fearless, together. Hesitating, allowing fear to stop you from trying something, or listening to voices from the past (usually parents) in your head telling you not to do something are the best ways to avoid living your life. This fearfulness can be especially dangerous in a relationship because sharing new experiences together is not only incredibly fun, but also strengthens your relationship. When opportunities arise, agree readily and try new activities together to tap into unbridled joy, excitement, and a storehouse of bright memories that will slowly darken past relationship experiences into harmless shadows.

Why I'm a Feminist

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Thu, 29 May 2014 20:51:00 +0000

My dad made me a feminist.

Before you get all proud and happy about enlightened maleness, let me explain.

My honey and I stopped at my parents' place on our return trip from Voyageurs National Park and it was not good. Being off the grid for a week meant that I missed the whole #yesallwomen phenomenon and the crime that inspired it, but I find this hashtag and its attendant backlash very interesting because of my own situation.

My dad does not accept me for who I am. I suspect that he never has. My choices are never right, my decisions are wrong, and my opinions are irrelevant. I'm actually not sure if any parent anywhere has the ability and willingness to accept their kids the way they are, but I have many friends with kids now and they certainly seem to accept their kids as they are...but you never know what goes on in the home. My story is a case in point.

Every time my friends have met my parents, for my whole life, they always come away impressed with my folks' vigor, energy, and kindness. My parents are great in public. But you know that idea about public face versus private face? Yeah. Well.

Here's an example of what goes on to this day when I am in my parents' home:

Dad starts talking about how a CA town needs to take water from somewhere in another state or they'll go dry. I mention that's been done before, how it's not a good idea for the people living in the place where the water is, and...

Dad stands up and cuts me off with a loud and vehement, "I don't want to hear any of your liberal crap!"

I turn my head and stare at my honey and my mom, who gently scolds dad's comment. I'm used to being silenced by my dad. He's been trying to silence me my entire life.

I proceed anyway and explain the story of the Hetch-Hetchy Valley, how John Muir fought to keep the valley from being flooded to provide San Francisco with water, and how devastating that dam was to the ecosystem in the Yosemite region. I then attempt to bring up the Glen Canyon Dam, which now blocks the Colorado River from flowing freely, that was installed to create a recreation area as well as to provide electricity for the region.

Dad's getting angrier and angrier and as per usual, starts yelling about how I don't know what I'm talking about and on and on and on.

I am a feminist because the example of male behavior I grew up with showed me that men control, dominate, and silence women.

During this same visit, I asked my parents if we could please have a half gallon of gas - they have several five gallon cans in the shed full of gasoline - and we arrived with the low fuel light on. It was Memorial Day and they live five miles from the nearest gas station, so I figured taking a half gallon would guarantee we would not get stuck on the way to get gas in the morning. I offered to pay for it, too.

Mom said yes.

Dad said no. Because he didn't want to have to drive that five miles to fill up that lost half gallon.

He would rather me run out of gas and get stuck on the side of a remote mountain road than give or sell me a half gallon of gas.

In the morning, I whispered to my mom: "Let's go out to the shed so I can get that gas."

She said, to my horror, "I dare not override your father."

Shocked and appalled, I whispered, "He'll never know! Don't tell him, just let's go."

True to her word, she went over to the dining room table, where my dad was talking to my honey, and interrupted them to ASK if she could give me a half gallon of gas. I was on my way out the front door, and just heard my dad protesting mightily. I shut the door and walked out to the shed. Mom joined me and I tried handing her a five dollar bill. She declined it and said, "I'm not like Dad."

"Good thing, or I'd never be here," I said.

The worst part of the visit was shortly after we had arrived the night before. We were sitting in the living room and Mom announced that they would not be coming to my annual summer party this year. My dad then took over and gave only one reason - they would rather stay home.

This weekend, they are traveling to visit two different sets of friends in SC and GA.

But they don't want to drive across the state to attend my family and friend party that I've put on each summer, usually around my birthday in July, because I just enjoy being surrounded by the people I care about.

Evidently, that's not enough. Dad would rather stay home than come to my party and see me.

To say I'm insulted is an understatement.

And to show how serious their plan to remain home is, my mom gave me my birthday present right then and there. On Memorial Day.

As we left, it occurred to me that my Dad must love me because I'm his daughter, but he definitely doesn't like me. He never asked me anything during our visit or addressed me directly, except to yell at me to be quiet.

I left home at 18 because of this. I am a feminist because of this.

I am also a feminist because my Mom can't be. I really listened during our visit and almost every sentence that came out of her mouth deferred to my dad: He wants, he likes, he doesn't want, he doesn't like. I wanted so badly to ask my mom, in my dad's presence, what does SHE want? But I know her answer because I've asked her before. She would say, "It's just easier this way." And if I asked in his presence, there would have been a fight, as usual. For my mom, it's easier to just cater to my dad's every whim because of the stressful misery her life becomes when she doesn't.

I'm a feminist because my mom has spent most of her adult life serving a man who sees fit to insult, be mean, and silence both her and her daughter whenever he feels like it and then acts like it's our fault - we brought it on - it's not him, it's us.

The repercussions of this reality still affect me today. I have tried, very hard, to NOT look at men like the enemy - but I do not have a healthy relationship with men. Even my honey now, whom I trust and who has done more for me than any man ever has, and who is NOTHING like my father, feels the brunt of my unintended reactions. Every suggestion is a sharp criticism in my damaged brain. When he told me this weekend that he might as well change his name to my dad's name because that's how I treat him, I felt this comment like a punch to the solar plexus. I was devastated all over again and remained upset all night.

My dad never beat me, and always provided financial security, but he did damage me. He's kind and outgoing to my cousin, his friends, my friends, but he is not kind and outgoing to me. Not only do I feel disrespected, I also feel so very sad. Because this is my reality and even when he's gone, I will still have to deal with the consequences.

That's why I'm a feminist.

"The immortal truth and beauty of Nature"

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 14 May 2014 18:15:00 +0000

John Muir, a writer and one of the most significant environmental activists in the United States (we have him to thank for Yosemite National Park), wrote passionately about wildness and wilderness, plants and mountains, creatures large and tiny, and above all, the inherent value of Nature. Although he wasn't necessarily focused on the cultivated landscapes of gardens, his words and ideas inform my attitude and approach toward both national parks and my own garden, which is certainly cultivated, planned, and constructed, but not fussy and precise. My own natural space may be a pale comparison to the grandeur and scale of such parks as Yosemite, Yellowstone, and Glacier, but it brings me a similar feeling of contentment and perspective. I came across this quote today from Muir's essay, "Cedar Keys:"

"I joyfully return to the immortal truth and immortal beauty of Nature."

Recently, I've been working hard to install new beds for squash and melons, as well as planting hundreds of zinnia, sunflower, and marigold seeds, and new shade plants to replace the ones killed by the arctic blast this winter. Yesterday, I finished the planting and sat down to enjoy the results of my labors. As I sat still and observed, I felt compelled to write about what I saw and heard:

Fat, industrious black and gold bumblebees buzz loudly from dying flower to dying flower on the nearly spent pale pink azalea. Two other azaleas crowd nearby, sill lush and heavy with firm, open blossoms in white and fuschia, but the dying pink flowers must be sweeter for they hold the bees' attention the most. Zinnia and marigold sprouts show two, four, six leaves, ornamental grasses now feature more thirsty green than dry hay-colored remnants of last season's growth, and the Dutch Irises rise above the rock wall in defiance of last year's harsh chewing abuse by the local groundhog. The oak leaf hydrangea dangles dried brown flowers while sporting crowns of sage green leaves from nearly the same spot on each branch. Clematis vines grow rapidly at this time of year, seemingly inches a day, as the sun heats up and the wind softens.

Robins, cardinals, catbirds, sparrows, hawks, crows, and buzzards all make appearances on land and in the air under a blue sky whispered with streaks of white clouds. Bullfrogs harumph deep resonances from the creek out back. The first mosquitoes follow me inside, smelling dinner. The Russian Sage looks dead and dry, but on each thin stalk and branch, silvery green lace stands tall, and the raspberry and blackberry canes are growing so vigorously, they seem like an advertisement for organic gardening.

The garden is alive. Lush, vibrant, and healthy. I look forward to witnessing its changes each day, for there is always something new to see, smell, hear, or experience. This tranquil oasis bursting with color, texture, and life brings me back to me. A needed reminder that petty human behavior is like so much pollen blowing out of the trees - hardly worth noticing even though it makes you miserable for a short time, because in the end, the pollen washes away, leaving the constancy of nature - something greater and worth more than the minor temporary annoyance caused by the blowing pollen.

It may not be a national park, but my garden helps me understand what Muir meant when he wrote about joyfully returning to the immortal truth and beauty of Nature.

World’s Shortest (Feminist) Fairy Tale

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 01:09:00 +0000

So this "delightful" meme is showing up all over social media, shared by men who find it amusing, laugh-out-loud funny, and completely harmless:

And therein lies the problem. Memes and ideas such as these are not harmless, are not delightful, and are not funny because misogyny. Doubters should read this fine definition on that reviled (and yet relied-upon) site, Wikipedia: Misogyny. Hating women does extend to such "harmless silliness" represented by this meme (one of many women-hating memes, trust me.) Hating women is ubiquitous and continues unabated. Just watch this latest takedown of Bill O'Reilly by two of his female guests AND Stephen Colbert over Hillary Clinton's potential run for the White House in 2016:

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Instead of ranting on about why misogyny and anti-women memes, and misogynistic ideas are a problem, I simply offer this counternarrative. Enjoy.

World’s Shortest (Feminist) Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “No!”

And the girl, who was really not a girl, but a young woman of 21, lived happily ever after in a home she purchased with her own money, earned from the career that she carved out with her creativity and intelligence and networking skills, went hiking and camping and fishing and to theatre shows and art galleries and museums and she ate gourmet dinners and fine wines and traveled and read books and widened her circle of friends every year and hired a cleaning service to keep her house clean so that she could enjoy even more of life, and enjoyed the company of men whenever she wanted until she chose a different path.

The End, which is not really an end, but more of a new beginning.

What First Year Composition Isn't

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 00:07:00 +0000

My three-year term as the University Writing Center Director is coming to a close in May and I find myself filled with emotions. So many unexpected things have happened during my time as director and I've learned so much about people, managing, administration, and negotiating expectations. As a result, I have so much to say, but I will just end my time in this position by sharing some knowledge that has been reinforced for me over and over again during the past three years. It has been quite the ride. With this, I bid adieu to the Writing Center and wish my successor and all of the tutors the very best wishes for a successful operation.

What First Year Composition (FYC) Isn't

FYC is not the training ground for other disciplines. Bio and Psych and Soc and Business and Art (etc) profs who want their students to know HOW to write Bio and Psych and Soc and Business and Art (etc) research papers should dedicate class time to teaching that type of discipline-specific writing. Why on earth is this such a hard concept to grasp? It is infuriating to those of us who try to teach freshmen the basics about how to write at a college level in 15 weeks. We are not multi-disciplinary experts and do NOT teach students how to write in every discipline.

FYC is not the dumping ground for complaints about student writing readiness in the disciplines. While there are research projects generally required in FYC, they vary and may delve into the creative, digital, and multimodal realms instead of remaining locked into one rigid disciplinary style. And guess what? That teaches students flexibility as they learn how to navigate different audiences, different medium expectations, and different rhetorical choices.

The lessons of FYC may not be retained by college students two, three, and four years after they've taken the class. In fact, when students leave FYC, if they do not receive regular writing instruction along with subject studies, they will lose the ability to write coherently and cohesively with research as well as anecdotes. Writing, like any skill, must be PRACTICED.

FYC is not the Holy Grail of writing instruction. It is the rough and ready basic training to get students in shape to continue learning additional writing skills and techniques at the college level. But when those additional lessons are not forthcoming because the other disciplines don't want to spend the time teaching students HOW to write in those disciplines, then the students will not do well. They don't know how to write in those disciplines because no one has taught them how.

FYC is not enough. Fifteen weeks is not enough time to fully train student writers. Fifteen weeks is barely enough time to get them on board. When they leave us, we know what they are walking in to - classes that tell them they must write, but don't explain how. Assignments that ask them to incorporate research in specific ways that they may have never encountered before, but no one is bothering to stop and teach them how to do so in that discipline. Students need more time to develop as writers across the disciplines, and they need the practical instruction of their professors IN those disciplines. Students do not come pre-loaded with disciplinary writing knowledge and it appalls me that there are profs out there who expect this.

FYC is not the enemy. Too many professors and administrators across colleges and disciplines turn their noses up at composition, the professionals who teach this difficult and varied subject, and the students who successfully complete the course. The time for nose turning is over. Enough with the snobbery and unrealistic expectations. Our students come from such immensely varied backgrounds with different levels of experience with writing - some have never written a research paper in high school and have no idea what that even means - others have written advanced research projects that synthesize multiple authors' perspectives. And these two students sit side by side in one of our classes. We must navigate a middle ground between them so that they both learn something. And we do a damn good job of it.

Now, go thank a composition professor, and continue about your day. :)

An Open Letter to Student Writers (of All Ages)

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Thu, 10 Apr 2014 19:39:00 +0000

Dear student writers,

You may already be rolling your eyes at yet another "older, wiser" adult trying to give you advice. I understand because that's what I would have done at your age. The reason I write to you now, however, really is important. It's about your voice and your writing style. First, let me tell you a story.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my English teacher handed back one of my essays with a D on it. As a strong writer from a young age, I was angry. I approached my teacher and asked her why she graded my work with a D? She explained that I wrote the essay wrong, in the wrong tone, in the wrong voice. But I write in my voice, I said, and I included everything you asked for. She shook her head and said, you wrote the wrong way. I advocated for my own voice and was told that I was wrong.

I took the essay to my parents and explained what had happened. To their credit, they have always encouraged my creative expression and individuality in all forms, especially writing, so they set up a meeting with my teacher. The principal attended. I was not present, but they advocated for my voice and because they were adults who knew the words to use, I ended up with a B and a raft of dirty looks from that teacher for the rest of the school year.

That was the moment I understood that there would always be people who disliked my writing voice. But I am stubborn enough to use it anyway. And decades later, when I decided to become a writing professor, that moment rushed back into my mind and I was angry all over again. Never would I make any of my students feel that their writing voices, styles, and choices were wrong.

So that's the takeaway for you. I'm sure you've been told by one or more teachers that you are writing something wrong. If we're talking grammar and spelling and punctuation - easily discovered and fixed errors - that's different. I'm willing to bet that you've heard a teacher tell you that you are writing something the wrong way simply because you chose a different path, a different subject, or a different tone or approach. Perhaps you were trying to infuse a boring litany of facts with some life with an anecdote of personal experience and ended up with a D because you strayed too far outside the rubric's boundaries.

Sometimes, the consequences of advocating for your own voice will be bad grades. In my Master's program, I took a hideous course on James Joyce. I can hear the reverberations of complaints as academics and writers read that phrase "hideous course on James Joyce" because for some reason people love him. Fine. I don't. I'm not a particular fan of Faulkner either. So there. Back to my story. I took this course because I needed a course and that was the only one available, so I struggled through and tried very hard to learn something. Sadly, I suffered then and suffer to this day from Eyerollitis, a low Bullshit tolerance, and Whisperedasideaxis, which means I wasn't the professor's favorite. My final research project was A-level work, but earned a B because he didn't like my attitude. Fair enough. So much for a perfect 4.0. Sometimes you gladly take the consequences just to be yourself.

When it comes to writing, no one has the right to dictate the terms of your creativity, or contain the exuberance of your voice. We get this so wrong in education. What we need in this world is more voices, different voices, unique perspectives, not more of the same, cookie-cutter writers writing the same way about the same subjects ad nauseam.

Please remember this. Remember that whether you are 13 or 16 or 18 or 22, your voice is your own, your style is your own, and your voice is valuable and right just the way it is, as it is. Make sure you hit all of the grammatical correctness issues - proofread carefully and construct confidently - but we need more writers to break down the barriers and push through the boundaries. And although I am loathe to admit it, James Joyce broke those barriers with aplomb, and so did Faulkner. I admire those writers for their willingness to take chances, leap into the unknown with vigor, and flout conventionality. I strive to do the same with my own work and try very hard to help my students see the value of their own words.

Write from your soul. Write what is true and real. Write fearlessly. And don't be afraid when someone, a teacher, a parent, a friend, doesn't like what you've written - it's too unsettling, it's too sad, it's too angry, it's too unfamiliar. Good. Make people uncomfortable. Make us think. Make us wonder. Make those people who say you aren't writing right sit back in wonder as you start to succeed.

Don't let anyone else dictate your voice and you will go far.

- Dr. M.

Eight true confessions of a garden dreamer

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 01:42:00 +0000

Confession #1: I just spent $80 on zinnia seeds. But with names like Raspberry Lemonade, Queen Red Lime, White Wedding, and Zaraha Double Fire, how could I resist? :) Ok, so it wasn't the names that got me. It was the color and size varieties. I've decided to focus almost exclusively on zinnias this year as my annuals, which means no big box store or nursery petunias, lobelia, or other potted flowering annual standards for the back yard and most of my pots. That's my gardener logic - I'm spending more on seeds because I'll spend less on potted annuals later.

Oh, who am I kidding.

Hello, my name is Amanda and I'm addicted to my garden.

Confession #2: I'm creating a new garden bed this year just for squash and melons. Last year, the acorn and spaghetti squash took over my main 10' x 14' planting bed, along with the heirloom purple pole beans and sweet potatoes. If you walked by that bed in late July, you would not have known that there were pepper and tomato plants lurking in there. I must have done something right with the soil because everything did really well in that small space, crowding problems aside. But this year, I am DETERMINED to do better. I suspect all gardeners share this sickness.

Confession #3: I miss Paul James, The Gardener Guy. I love to cook, so I enjoy watching cooking shows for relaxation and education. I also read Food & Wine magazine and cookbooks, but sometimes, I just want to kick back with a lemonade and watch some cooking shows and dream. Same thing with gardening. I love to garden. Having my first home means having space for gardens - flowers, perennials, vegetables, fruit, shrubs, and trees. I read gardening books, web sites, and blogs. What I don't have is a good gardening show. Victory Garden on PBS is ok, but it's not on all the time and isn't the kind of hands-on show I'm looking for. I wish #HGTV would either resuscitate The Gardener Guy, or create a new show of the same style and energy as all of those hands-on cooking shows. Honestly, I couldn't care less about yard crashing - that's not useful to me! Nor is it entertaining because who the hell has a crew of 30 people, three days, and a limitless budget to do the overboard shit they do on those shows?! I mean, really. Give me someone who is mildly peppy, knowledgable, and capable of sharing information that helps me to learn something while being entertained. Is that REALLY asking too much #HGTV? Really?? :/

Confession #4: While purchasing my exorbitant amount of zinnia seeds, I also bought a packet of Chianti Hybrid Sunflower seeds that I will attempt to start when I return from this last academic conference of the season. And yes, it is a dark red wine-colored sunflower.

I may weep if the rabbits get these sunflowers.

Confession #5: I seem to be incapable of restraint when it comes to my garden. Whereas in other areas of my life, I am quite capable of showing an abundance of restraint, with my garden, I just want more. I haven't overloaded any of my beds...yet. But I suspect that my spacing is probably too close. But I do adore walking through my ever-changing garden and yard beginning right now and going all the way through the end of autumn - just watching and noticing every little change in the plants and weeds and soil. How the blanket flower pushes through the taller zinnias, how the pinwheel zinnias look like they are bursting out of the rock wall, how the scents shift and change day to day, how the abundance of colors and foliage and textures are so comforting and welcoming.

Hello, my name is Amanda and I have a plant spacing problem.

Confession #6: I don't use any pesticides in my gardens, but will not hesitate to kill any mammals that aim to eat my flowers and decimate my food plants.

What can I say? I am a zinnia mystery wrapped in a cypress vine enigma standing in a black raspberry paradox.

Confession #7: My garden spaces, the physical work, the planning, and the money spent are more consistently pleasurable to me than much of my paying job. I would not want to garden for a living because anytime you take something this pleasurable and turn it into a professional career, it kills the joyful spirit that drew you there in the first place. That's what happened to me with creative writing - I can no longer write fiction because I spent ten years earning my living as a professional writer. The ability to make stories up out of thin air dissipated like so many farts in the wind as each assignment ticked by over that decade and now, well, now I love my creative nonfiction, but my stories must be true to be both written and enjoyed (by me). It's the biggest reason why I haven't pushed my professional photography services too hard - I'm good enough to make a living as a photog, but I don't want to because I want to retain that creative curiousity and joy.

So, gardening. I'm just fine with gardening in my free time, in the evenings, on the rare weekend that I'm home. Gardening is pure joy. Because every night that I come home from work, beginning next week, before unlocking my front door, I will wander down the fenceline, into the backyard, and walk all the way around the entire space, pausing to observe, listen, feel leaves, pull a weed, enjoy the manipulated natural space that I am carving out for my own pleasure and when I enter the house, I will feel refreshed, relaxed, and re-invigorated with a sense of hope and peace.

Confession #8: I wish I had more land so that I could have a bigger garden. Knowing that this wish comes with a ton of extra work, I still wish I had more land. My man and I sometimes dream together about the perfect place for us - view of mountains, on a body of water, five acres with a large enough sunny space for an extra large and vigorous garden and plenty of room for flowering annuals, bulbs, perennials, shrubs, a large berry patch, perhaps a small orchard. Don't ask me when I will have the time to tend to all of this space and all of these plants...a woman can dream.

Hello, my name is Amanda and I dream about my future gardens.

The price of intervention

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Thu, 06 Mar 2014 19:29:00 +0000

Recently, I saw a comment on a Facebook thread that set my teeth on edge. You've probably seen comments that do this to you as well. The commenter is being lighthearted and the content of the photo or link has nothing to do with the comment - it is just an add-on - a tangent. And yet, it is so potent and offensive in its casualness. Let me explain.

Here is the portion of the comment that caught my attention:

"...I want to run like the wind with a Pocahontas costume..."

For those of you who know me and know that my academic focus is Indigenous Rhetorics, you know that this kind of fun, easy, seemingly innocuous comment is anything but fun and innocuous. Easy? Yes, because of the ubiquity of misinformation about real Indigenous peoples and because of the ubiquity of misappropriation and misrepresentation about real Indigenous peoples, past and present. Fortunately, my friend whose photo this thread was on is understanding and reacted exceedingly well to my intervention comment.

To intervene or not? That is, perpetually, the question. Vine Deloria, Jr. wrote in Custer Died for Your Sins that "we need a cultural leave-us-alone agreement." He meant American Indians need us white people to leave them alone - stop writing about, studying, trying to help - just stop intervening. All respect to Deloria and his motivation for making this statement, but I disagree to a certain extent.

The price we pay for NOT intervening and NOT trying to help change the narrative about real Indigenous peoples and cultures is the continuation and predominance of misinformation, stereotypes, and misappropriation of Indigenous peoples, their cultures, practices, sacred items, languages, names, everything. If you doubt what I say, consider this brief list of products and organizations:

Cherikee Red soda, Washington Redskins, Calumet Baking Soda (logo), Land 'o Lakes Butter (logo), Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves (and their fans' charming "tomahawk chop"), Disney's Pocahontas, Princess Pocahottie (Halloween Costume), "What Makes the Redman Red?" (Disney song), Lone Ranger and Tonto (TV show and newer film), Firewater Whiskey, Jeep Cherokee, Ford Thunderbird, Winnebago (this is the "Chieftain" model), Crazy Horse Malt Liquor, Sue Bee Honey, Urban Outfitters' "Navajo Panties" et al, hipster headdresses. . . .I could go on.

Argument: All of these representations are racist.
Counterargument: "But we're honoring Natives!"

Here, read this. She says it better than I could. And has all of the persuasive visuals to back up her argument embedded in the post.

As an outsider to this issue, all I can do is feel sympathy and offer action in my own small way. So I post stories to Facebook, I teach college students, and I intervene online when I see a seemingly innocuous comment that I know was not intended to be offensive. Most people just don't know. And while I do have a great deal of sympathy for this unwitting lack of knowledge, I also understand that 'not knowing' is just shy of being a lame excuse. However, as I am committed to changing the narrative, I do my best not to be too aggressive in my approach. But the hesitance that I still feel, even after years of studying this issue, writing about it, and educating people. . .that hesitance is what bothers me.

I paused when I saw that FB thread comment. Stared at it. Read it over and over, in fact, debating whether to say something or not. I knew the stakes. My friend and her friend may not take too kindly to being told, even in the kindest terms, that Disney's Pocahontas is a complete misrepresentation that sets the stage for believing Native peoples to be fantasy relics of the past - invisible to our current lives. The stakes for me are fairly straightforward whenever I make public activist statements that advocate strongly for a position or a group - I may lose friends, I may make enemies, I may be thought of in ill-terms, or at least thought of with accompanying eye rolls. Interestingly, all of these thoughts did cross my mind, but then another thought dominated and it is the one that caused me to act.

I can handle losing friends, making enemies, and being thought of with eye-rolls. What I choose not to handle with silence (which, to me, implies acceptance) is the persistent expectation that Indigenous peoples do not currently exist and do not have feelings if they do. I consider myself fortunate to have many colleagues who hail from such diverse nations as Miami, Citizen Potawatomie, Eastern Band of Cherokee, Osage, and more. When I see such lighthearted comments, I think of my colleagues and students and the harm these types of comments are doing to them. And I just can't sit quietly by for the sake of peace in the family and friend circle.

I've never been one to leave anything alone, least of all a blatant injustice. I encourage you to consider intervening the next time you see any kind of lighthearted comment made about a group of people that you care about. The personal price is miniscule and worth paying if the result is just one more person who gets it.

Change may be slow, but as individuals, we must be willing to pay a small personal price in order to make progress. We will enjoy a more open, tolerant, and knowledgeable society, and that is the result of intervention.

The real barriers to being a public intellectual

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 19 Feb 2014 16:57:00 +0000

Today is my writing day. I should be working on writing that counts. Such as the two scholarly articles I'm composing for academic journals - the kind of writing that Mr. Kristof calls "gobbledygook . . . sometimes hidden in obscure journals — or published by university presses whose reputations for soporifics keep readers at a distance."

Here's a sample of one of the pieces I'm currently working on. Is this "gobbledygook"? You be the judge.

"Exerting authority over their own identities, re-claiming space to express resistance, and challenging the stereotyped assumptions of thousands of readers, Indigenous feminist bloggers are on the rise and are gaining attention with arguments that lance the core of American popular culture and misinformed imaginations. In October 2013, Adrienne Keene (Cherokee), author of the blog Native Appropriations, was nominated for the 2013 Women’s Media Center Social Media Award, reflecting the impact and import of her blog work, much of which demands awareness of problematic appropriations of Native images and artifacts. Linking the past with the present to create a new and more positive future for Indigenous peoples, Native women such as Dr. Debbie Reese (Nambé Pueblo) and her blog, American Indians in Children’s Literature, expertly use the communicative tools and technologies of the 21st century to share stories from the Indigenous perspective and insist upon change."

You tell me. You are a reader and a member of the general public, possibly a member of the academy, possibly not. Is that gobbledygook to you? Is it over your head? Are you confused?

I suspect not.

However, and this leads me to my argument: There are REAL barriers to being a public intellectual, but one of them is NOT that academics aren't writing in the public domain. My article, once complete and published, will NOT be available to YOU, unless you have access to a university system library database, which is a paid platform accessible only to those in a university community. I actually agree with much of what Mr. Kristof says. Not the gobbledygook part, obviously, but certainly the idea that academics only write behind pay walls. Many academics (and I know A LOT of them) write in understandable and accessible forms in those obscure journals. And many of these academics are ALSO writing for the public.

Back to the idea that this blog post which tackles a very important academic issue will not count toward my bid for tenure and promotion. One of the largest barriers to academics publishing more for the general public is the fact that our public writing does not count and will not be considered as valuable and as worthy as our "gobbledygook" in "obscure journals." Kristof employs an interview comment to briefly touch upon this problem:

"'Many academics frown on public pontificating as a frivolous distraction from real research,” said Will McCants, a Middle East specialist at the Brookings Institution. “This attitude affects tenure decisions. If the sine qua non for academic success is peer-reviewed publications, then academics who ‘waste their time’ writing for the masses will be penalized.'” ("Professors, We Need You!")

I couldn't agree more. And I have a simple solution, although simplicity is not the academy's strong suit: Institutions and faculty unions should create a category called "Public Writing" and accept everything from blog posts and movie or book reviews in popular outlets to essays and opinion pieces in local, regional, and national publications, both in print and online. Instead of rejecting public intellectual work, this simple move would make public writing a REQUIREMENT of all faculty. And let's make the percentage low - 10 percent. So, 10 percent of your academic writing should be in a public forum. Most of the academics I know have already exceeded that by a large margin, and those who haven't done so may be hesitant to try because the existing system doesn't value public writing. If the goal is to reach more people, then this would effectively start to solve that problem. Moving on.

The second barrier to reaching a broader audience is the pervasive and very real anti-intellectualism in this nation that points and shouts, "Indoctrinator! Liberal! Left-wing nutjob! You're out of touch and don't know what the real people need to know! You think you're so smart? I don't care what you have to say! So there!"

Yes, I did just devolve that statement into a two-year-old's tantrum and for good reason. Because from my perspective, that's exactly what it sounds like when I write about an important issue such as Indigenous sovereignty or the academic system, and the response is a deafening silence. No response. No comments. No discussion. No engagement from anyone except my colleagues in the academy. And I'm small potatoes - I can just imagine the vacuum of silence for more well-known academics such as Tenured Radical, who composed her own excellent rebuttal to Kristof's missive. It is that silence that I now speak to.

Many of us in the academy WANT to reach a broader audience. We WANT to share what we know and understand about our specialties with YOU, the general public. But when the culture of our nation tells you to hate us because we have more education than you, because we work for the state and your tax dollars help to pay for our modest salaries, because you believe that we make too much money, and because you suspect that we do NOT have your best interests at heart with our pontificating, then our work is for naught, it is in vain, and we have NO AUDIENCE.

I tell my students again and again to always keep the audience in mind before they write. Who are you writing to? What is it that you would like them to understand or believe? How can you persuade them to see things your way?

My answer to these questions for my own public writing is this: I am writing to whomever has an interest in the issues that I believe are important. I would like my audience to understand the problems that exist within those issues and think about how they are contributing to the problem, as well as what they might do differently to become part of the solution. And to persuade, I try to use humor, facts, connections that make sense, but often take a more hammer-like approach because I can't stand softballing an issue and softening the tone because I am a stubborn, passionate writer and I'm fed up with being told by my society that I'm not worthy of being listened to. So that is probably my mistake. I come on very strong and I'm aware of that, but writing diplomatically is not my strong suit.

To solve this dilemma then, perhaps I need to soften my approach, but the question remains, will my audience be more receptive or will silence continue to resonate across the interwebs because of the fundamental disconnect between the reality I want to share and the perception that my audience holds dear? My audience perceives that I'm just an indoctrinating, liberal, feminist nutjob ranting away about some issue that doesn't have any effect on their daily lives, so why listen? If I soften my tone and become more diplomatic, will that audience changes its fundamental position? I suspect not.

I'm not sure how to solve the anti-intellectualism that runs rampant in our nation. I'm not sure how to convince people who are absolutely sold on the idea that we academics are the source of the problems in this country and not a source of solution. Perhaps by requiring more academics to engage with the public through writing, this iron wall of resistance can slowly be chipped away over time. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Complaints for 2014

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 28 Jan 2014 15:48:00 +0000

While the bitter cold polar vortex exposes our softness and inability (or unwillingness?) to deal with extreme weather situations, I have noticed something about 2014. In the first four weeks of the year, I've heard and seen more complaints about more things than I think I heard and saw in 2013. I could be remembering this wrong, or maybe I just blew off last year's litany of various complaints so quickly that they didn't sink in. I even mentioned to my man last week how often people seem to be complaining in various venues and for various reasons and I wondered why. He said it is our nature to complain - something about survival skills and not wanting to settle - getting our species off the plains and into heartier abodes and such.

Well, then.

In the spirit of moving the species forward, I give you a list of complaints to last all year. Let's use these as motivation to improve ourselves. Did I miss any?

It's too cold!
There's too much snow!
My (insert body part) hurts!
My (insert product) stopped working/needs repaired!
I'm broke!
I'm jealous of (insert name)!
(Insert situation) isn't fair!
It's raining!
It's too hot!
It's too dry!
It's too humid!
(Insert publication) is subjective and publishes crap (because they rejected me)!
I'm bored!
My (insert space) is a mess!
I'm not having fun!
I'm disappointed!
I can't lose weight!
I can't gain weight!
But, I don't know how to (insert activity)!
But, it'll cost so much to (insert activity)!
But, I don't want to (insert expectation)!

That seems like a broad enough range to get started. In an effort to be more proactive, here are some suggested responses to these complaints that should result in forward movement/progress and possibly (gasp!) lead to changing the situation that we find intolerable enough to complain about:

Complaint: It's too cold!
Solution: Wear layers, invest in winter outwear that actually keeps you warm (scarf, hat, mittens, warm boots, etc.) Spend as little time as possible outside and just get to where you're going. And yes, this applies to all ages.

Complaint: (Insert publication) is subjective and publishes crap (because they rejected me)!
Solution: Of course (publication) is subjective. When you create anything that didn't exist before, people will judge its quality and appeal. That publication's editor judged your piece as a bad fit for their agenda...so what? Send it elsewhere. Don't let one rejection paralyze you or make you quit. Send that piece to five or six publications (and accumulate five or six rejections) before revising it. Maybe your work doesn't suck. Maybe it just didn't fit. Rejection is part of our world. Suck it up, buttercup.

Complaint: It's too dry!
Solution: Buy a humidifier. Drink more water. Use lotion.

Complaint: But, I don't want to (insert expectation)!
Solution: Then don't. Just stop. If this is part of your job and it is a required activity, suck it up, buttercup. If you can't stand that aspect of your job, figure out a way to change it or go find a new job. If you can't change that aspect and actually enjoy the rest of the job, just do it, do it as quickly as possible, and focus on the more pleasant aspects. If this is something that someone in your personal life expects you to do, have the difficult conversation and address the issue directly so that person knows you don't like it and you can work together to seek alternatives.

The next time you feel a complaint rising in your throat, pause and take a breath. Try to imagine what the answer might be for you - a complaint means something is wrong. And you really DO have the power to change most situations by taking action. ;)

Hand talker

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 14:39:00 +0000

She grabbed my wrists and stood in front of me, all five feet of her, white puff of hair, color-blocked shirt, and sugar smile.

"If your hands were cut off, would you still be able to talk?"

I've heard variations of this insult/criticism/observation since I was a kid. My parents used to chastise me for being too exuberant and physically expressive with my hands when I spoke.

"No one will see your face or hear what you say, they'll be so distracted by your hands waving around," they would admonish.

I'm used to it.

I tried for several years to stop using my hands when speaking extemporaneously and found, instead, that the effort to suppress my physical form also suppressed my thoughts as they formed. Result: I spoke less.

In a world that doesn't value confident, assertive, and knowledgeable female voices, it occurs to me after this latest experience that the real criticism embedded in such statements is this:

"Be quiet. Be calm. Your exuberance, enthusiasm, and confidence intimidate me. You should be more measured, more controlled, quieter in voice and movement, so that I am more comfortable in your presence. You're a woman. Behave the way society wants you to behave."

Of course, when I speak in more formal podium-type settings, I stand and hold the podium and follow carefully crafted notes, but in almost every other public or private speaking situation, from the classroom to the coffee shop, from the dock to the dining room, I embrace my natural exuberance that expresses itself physically. I reject suppression and let my hands punctuate my words because that is more comfortable for me.

I am a hand talker.
I have the right to express myself the way that I want.
I will not be suppressed.

A brief guide to locating publishing opportunities (for junior and temporary faculty and advanced grad students in the humanities)

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 04 Dec 2013 22:45:00 +0000

One of the requirements of my job as a junior faculty member is to publish. Now, I work at a teaching university, so the requirements are similar to those at research universities, but the types of allowable publications that count toward tenure and promotion are more expansive. It occurred to me today that everyone might not know what I know. I was fortunate to attend a research university for my PhD with a cohort of research-focused people, which meant we talked about and shared information about how and where to publish. I attended conferences and networked with more established academics in order to learn what was needed. Our professors were also good about incorporating some of this information into classes and conversations, which meant that we were extremely well-prepared about what to expect publication-wise when we went on the academic job market.

However, not everyone had that intensive experience. And once you land the job, no one really talks about what is expected and HOW to locate the right kinds of publishing opportunities. My advice and list are based on the requirements (as I understand them) at my state teaching university.

First, bookmark and check this site frequently: University of Pennsylvania CFP

No matter what your humanities specialty, the UPenn CFP will have publishing and conference opportunities for you. Start here.

A word about conferences. They are not as important as publishing, but you will be expected to attend at least one or two per year (say, one regional and one national or international). Use the conference time to network and seek out publishing opportunities. I landed two book reviews for a well-known cultural journal by simply responding to an editor's call for review ideas at a national conference. I've also met many people in my field who have been incredibly valuable to me and my grad students. But don't let conferences dominate your scholarship.

Remember, publishing is still king, even at a teaching institution.

Second, become familiar with the top 25 or 50 journals in your field or fields. For instance, my primary field is Composition and Rhetoric, my specialty is Indigenous Rhetorics, and my interests extend to teaching (pedagogy) and creativity. This broadens the scholarly publishing potential, but there are still top journals in each of these fields or specialties - in fact, there is a hierarchy of journals. Top tier, middle tier, bottom tier. Some are traditional print journals (such as Rhetoric Review, where my first academic article appeared in 2011), and some are digital (such as Epiphany Journal of Transdisciplinary Studies, where my second academic article appeared in 2012). Both of these journals are peer-reviewed, which means the submission goes through a rigorous and blind process of judgment and revision before it is accepted or rejected. Whether the journals you seek are in print or online, the ones that will count the most are the peer-reviewed publications.

Third, there are many other types of publishing that will count, but that won't take a year or more to see results. As long as there is an editorial process - meaning, there is an editor or editorial team providing revision feedback before your work is published - these publishing opportunities are easier to write, less complicated to obtain, and have a fast publishing time frame. Get on Google and use your browsing capabilities to find blogs, web sites, and online publications for article, essay, creative, review, and opinion opportunities. Find out who the editor is and pitch that person an idea. If they seem open to book reviews, pick a book that hasn't been published yet and suggest a review. To find these unpublished books, go to Amazon and search for your field's most well-known term. For me, it was "indigenous rhetorics" or "Native American studies." For you, it might be "education" or "film theory." Search by publication date from the most recent and then scroll down until you see books that are about to be published within six months. Don't worry about not having a copy - if the editor gives you a thumbs up for the review, just contact the book's publisher for a press copy. The editor can often help with this.

By the way, those academic journals each took a year or more from submission to publication. The publishing I've done in the outlets identified in the last paragraph all took less than a year - often a matter of months - from idea pitch to publication.

Book chapters are also wonderful and if you have the right contacts, these are terrific and valuable additions to your CV. However, books are tricky because publishing is often much, much slower - projects get held up for all kinds of reasons. And the same goes for writing a book. Save the book-length manuscript for your bid for full professor. When you are a temporary instructor hoping to be rolled over into a tenure-track position or a junior faculty member, try for as many scholarly, peer-reviewed pieces as time allows (3-4 in your first five years), but then bulk up your publishing record with the smaller, faster pieces. It shows your commitment to your field and your scholarly activity.

Keep this in mind when it comes to book publishing: If your book (or the one with your contribution) isn't actually in print by the time you go up for tenure, it won't count. I just learned this fascinating fact - only the things in the "published" category will really be considered. Everything else takes a far back seat because anyone can load their CV with "revised and resubmitted" or "forthcoming" promises, but the tenure and promotion committees want to see tangible publications that are out there and available for perusal.

Another great place to publish is encyclopedias. Whatever your field, there is an encyclopedia or two. These have an editorial review process and require you to be at least a PhD candidate or a faculty member to contribute. These entries vary in length (usually run 500 - 3000 words), involve research, and can be cranked out rather quickly once you are used to the genre.

Something else to keep in mind: Everything you do before your tenure clock starts doesn't count. So, if you publish a scholarly, peer-reviewed article as a PhD candidate and that gets you the job, you must realize that it will not count toward your tenure and promotion bid. If that piece was published before you started your job, it doesn't count. If you have been a temporary instructor at your university for four years and are then rolled over into a tenure-track position in year five? Everything you've done in years one - four won't count toward tenure and promotion. The tenure and promotion committees only consider what you've published after the tenure clock has started.

Another strategy to consider for crafting a publication pathway: Not only is it possible, but also perfectly acceptable, to contact a journal editor cold to pitch an idea. Academic journal editors may respond or they may not, but if you apply what professional writers do all the time - pitching ideas cold to relevant outlets - you may get the nod to try. No guarantee of publication because your work must still be vetted by two reviewers who will not know that you pitched the idea to gauge interest. However, this is a tactic I used all the time as a freelance journalist and I've recently started applying it to my academic publishing and it works! I saw a new journal in my field set to start publishing next year, so I emailed the editor with an abstract of an idea for a potential article. He liked it and said if I wrote it well, it would probably stand a good chance. That's all I needed and I'll be writing that piece over winter break. Why not make your process more efficient by vetting your idea with an editor up front, so that you know your piece will at least have a chance at being considered? Otherwise, you are just blindly submitting to publications that may be a bad fit - but it will take that editor 3 - 6 months to tell you this. Be more efficient and business-like in your approach to academic publishing and you may end up with more and better-focused opportunities.

So be fearless, don't hesitate, and don't let the existing rules block your progress. Find a hybrid position between following the conventional rules and making your own path so that your publishing record will cover all the bases, be varied and yet focused on your fields, and show your level of dedication and scholarly activity.

Now go publish! And please leave any comments, questions, or additional ideas. :)

Changing the master narrative: The problem with dressing children as "Indians" for Thanksgiving plays, selfies, and social media outlets

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 27 Nov 2013 20:41:00 +0000

My Facebook feed has exploded today with images of charming little white kids dressed up in feathered headbands, fake braids, and colorful "Indian" clothing. I try, I really do try to change this master narrative by posting informative pieces from real Native peoples living and working today - from Indian Country Today Media Network, Beyond Buckskin, Native Appropriations, Last Real Indians...in the hope that some of this new information would puncture the master (and incorrect) narrative that we Americans continue to tell ourselves about the origins of Thanksgiving.

And it seems I haven't made a dent. This explosion of images and comments proclaiming how "cute" the kids are...proves that all of my efforts are in vain. No one is paying attention. No one gives a shit. No one wants to change the comfort of the master narrative. And why is that? Are we really so vapid as a people that we can't accept that dressing little white kids up as "Indians" isn't appropriate for Halloween or Thanksgiving or ANY time of year?! Is it really that difficult to suggest that perhaps your child or your child's school focus on the truth about this holiday or at least choose a less racist costume?

Sigh.

We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our youth, and to the actual real living Native peoples existing in this land today to change the master narrative, to speak truth about our past, and to stop dressing little white kids up as "Indians." It isn't that hard, I promise.

It starts by recognizing that dressing little white kids up as "Indians" is reinforcing a stereotype and a belief that Indigenous peoples are no longer with us and therefore, are available to us as a source of mockery to be represented any way we see fit. Ah, and there's the rub. Indigenous nations in North America number in the hundreds today - they are still here - and they see what you do. They are not honored. They are not amused. Some choose to ignore our racist behaviors because, quite frankly, they have enough to worry about with the health and wellness and success of their own communities. But for those who do look up, look around, and see how we think of them - as nothing more than a costume to be used on a fake holiday for the amusement of ourselves and our friends?

Take one moment out of your ever-thankful proceedings to stop for a hot second and consider what that might feel like if it was directed at you. Imagine that your life, your history, your identity, your ideals, your cultural practices were constantly belittled and demeaned in the public domain and no matter how loud you shouted that you deserve more respect than that, instead of being heard, you are ignored and laughed at and told to lighten up. How do you feel now?

Feast away. Be thankful that your white privilege is strong and powerful enough to permit your need to dress your children as a fantasy idea of real living peoples. But dump the "Indian" attire. Your kids are not cute dressed in racist and inappropriate costumes, no matter what your friends and family say. If those people think it's cute, then they also need the same smack-down lesson. Just stop.

You should be teaching your children better than that. And for that more appropriate teaching, here is a list of children's books to get you started. Now is a great time to stop contributing to the problem of racist stereotypes of Native peoples and start changing the master narrative:

Beyond the So-Called First Thanksgiving: 5 Children's Books that Set the Record Straight

The damaging effects of the “indoctrination” accusation

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 19 Nov 2013 15:11:00 +0000

Someone I love dearly told me recently that I indoctrinate students when I teach Native American rhetorics. That, in fact, every time I talk about it, post about it, publicly proclaim about it, that I am indoctrinating people.

Let’s take a look at this word, “indoctrination.”

I’m going to take a page from the college student handbook and include a dictionary definition here:

Indoctrinate: “to teach (someone) to fully accept the ideas, opinions, and beliefs of a particular group and to not consider other ideas, opinions, and beliefs” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/indoctrinate)

So, my profession has been conveniently boiled down to this negative assumption; an accusation oft thrown around by conservatives and anti-education folks. I am fascinated to know that I teach my students to fully accept the ideas, opinions, and beliefs of Native Americans without any consideration of others’ ideas, opinions, and beliefs. (And ignoring the fact that, as a group, “Native Americans” are a varied bunch with many diverse opinions on a wide variety of subjects.) Of course, that’s not at all what I do, but let’s just go with that for now.

Where exactly does this accusation come from? A simple Google search for “college professors indoctrinate students” had 974,000 results, some of which are linked here:

Student indoctrination. http://triblive.com/opinion/featuredcommentary/4714344-74/academic-professor-students#axzz2l6PJr23b

One-Party Classroom: How Radical Professors at America’s Top Colleges Indoctrinate Students and Undermine Our Democracy. http://www.intellectualtakeout.org/library/books/one-party-classroom-how-radical-professors-america%E2%80%99s-top-colleges-indoctrinate-students-and-undermin

How California's Colleges Indoctrinate Students
A new report on the UC system documents the plague of politicized classrooms. The problem is national in scope. http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303816504577312361540817878

School Has Started And So Has Student Indoctrination. http://news.investors.com/ibd-editorials-perspective/091913-671786-using-classroom-to-indoctrinate-students-grounds-for-dismissal.htm

College Professor Tells Students Republicans Are Stupid, White Old Racists- Indoctrination. (And this author takes the official dictionary definition a step further. Her definition of indoctrination: “To imbue with a partisan or ideological point of view.”) http://beforeitsnews.com/opinion-conservative/2013/04/college-professor-tells-students-republicans-are-stupid-white-old-racists-indoctrination-2618916.html

Clearly, this accusation of indoctrinating students is coming from the political Right. My personal opinion as to why this is the case has to do with the Right’s persistent refusal to accept that students are capable of making up their own minds and thinking for themselves when it comes to fraught political or social issues, such as gay marriage, abortion, and in my case, Native American sovereignty, history, cultures, contemporary issues. Okay then.

So, we know this accusation exists in the national conversation. We also know that this assumption exists in the personal spectrum when people who believe that we indoctrinate become personally involved with us as friends, colleagues, partners. Let’s take a look at the damaging effects of this accusation.

First, being accused of indoctrinating students undermines my professionalism, my goals as a professor, and dismisses the import of what I actually do in a classroom. Like most simplifications, it renders a complex and sometimes difficult task down to a very negative and easy process. It also makes huge assumptions about the gullibility and malleability of college-aged students. How quaint to think that my room full of 18 – 21 year olds are so easily swayed to my perspective, my point of view, my opinion; that they, in fact, have no opinions or perspectives of their own. Hence, this accusation not only undermines my professionalism, it also assumes that people in college are empty vessels waiting to be told what to think. And in my professional experience, that assumption is quite far from reality.

Second, accusations of indoctrination evidence a deep disrespect for my profession and for me personally. This accusation, in one simplistic swoop, tells me that the subject I care about deeply enough to invest money, time, and energy into learning about in order to teach students the wide variety of issues inherent in that subject, does not matter, is not worth my time or my students’ time, and is certainly the wrong thing to be teaching.

Third, the accusation of indoctrination puts professors on the defensive. It certainly put me on the defensive. I take what I do very seriously – and personally because of all the time, money, and energy I’ve expended to get here. Putting people who have worked so hard and care so much about a subject on the defensive is an effective strategy because it shifts the focus away from the real problem: that students need to be exposed to a multitude of opinions and information in order to form their own opinions about the world.

And here’s my final word on this for now: If students come away from college with different opinions than yours? That doesn’t mean they have been indoctrinated. It means they were presented with a broad spectrum of information and opinion that you may have never seen, and they decided for themselves what to think. The process of college is scary to some people because it does influence how people think about subjects and realities in the world. But I am tired of being on the defensive – it is exhausting. I know what I do in my classroom and most people have no idea. I invite any of my readers to come to my classrooms and observe for a day. Just a day should be enough to demonstrate how misguided this indoctrination accusation really is.

This is Power

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 02:33:00 +0000

When someone spreads vicious rumors about you that have no basis in fact, when someone acts purely for spite, or to disrupt, or “because they care,” your response should be…

Silence.

Do not protest. Do not defend. Do not retaliate. Tell your friends, your confidantes, your lover. But keep your public voice quiet.

But it’s not true! My reputation is…

Your reputation is just fine. Because the rumors aren’t true. And everyone who knows you, everyone who matters, knows they aren’t true. You have integrity, character, and class. Do not let the shouting voices of disapproval drown out your progress, your work, your worth.

But…they lied. They need to know….

They need to know that you are Teflon and unpredictable. Imagine what they will think when you say nothing. When you just go about your business doing good works, raising your child, enjoying your life, unscathed. They will wonder if you will say something. When you will say something. What you might say. And to whom. Let them wonder. Let them have the headaches and the stress and the stomach knots. They’ve earned it.

But I’ve spent the past two days angrier than I’ve ever been…and crying. I’ve cried so much…

So now it’s out of your system. Good. Now let it go. For the sake of your sanity, stress level, health, and self-esteem, let it go. Do not let your enemies win by showing them they have disrupted your enjoyment of life.

She hates me.

Yes. She hates you. She will always hate you because you cannot change the things that she hates. She hates your very existence. There will always be people who dislike you, who will talk about you negatively behind your back, who will wish you ill will and try to break you. Do not give them the satisfaction.

Take the high road?

The hard road, yes. Hold your head up and go about your business and your life. Live, work, love, and keep doing what you do. The people around you see. They see that your enemies are cruel and uncaring. Troublemakers. They see that you remain silent, remain in a good mood, remain productive, and they start to see your critics differently. No longer trustworthy, those gossips continue to lose credibility with every forward step you take.

I was hurt.

Yes. Blind attacks can be the most painful. But they must also be endured. Only engage with people and situations that are transparent and in your field of vision. Those proverbial slings and arrows sting and grind away at your spirit, but these are surface wounds. Only you can let them go any deeper. You are in control, even if you don’t feel it.

How can I be in control if I feel like everything is falling apart. People will think less of me…

…if you engage in a protestation defense, yes. They will think better of you if you take the hits and just keep going. Accept that there will always be people who will dislike you, talk about you, want to disrupt your life. Your reaction will determine your course. If you choose the high road, the hard road, and just keeping walking the path, unwilling to let these small minds distract you, this is Power.

For my friends. Much love.

Backstory

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 16 Oct 2013 03:35:00 +0000

Our identities are inextricably tied to the stories our families tell about who we are, where we came from, when we arrived in this land, and details about personalities, work ethic, and cultural heritage. From an early age, we hear stories about Gram Bickey and Uncle Joe and Aunt Alice, about the ice cream store that our grandparents owned, about working poor growing up, and about the rise to middle class economic success. We are told we are just like Aunt Laura or Grandma Helen or Dad, and we look like Cousin Chris or Cousin Barbara or Cousin Sara. We see our noses when we look at Mom and our chins when we look at Dad and our earlobes when we look at large family Christmas portraits.

Stop.

Go back.

Think about those stories. Now imagine that you aren’t anything like your family in personality or physical characteristics. There are no matches. No physical resemblance. No personality similarities. No “I get that from you” moments. Imagine that when you were young, sometimes those differences created tension and unease.

“Why can’t you just listen?” (Or obediently do what we are telling you to do.)

“Why do you always have to learn the hard way?”

“Why can’t you just write happy things?”

Imagine being made to feel small for your rambunctiousness, for your stubbornness, for your headstrongness, for your independent determination to figure things out for yourself. Like something is wrong with you for being who you are.

Never imagining that one single interaction could change all of those feelings and reverse all of the hurt. Always wondering what it would feel like to know that you belonged. To lift the sense of being an outlier in your own family.

I feel like I need to make a qualifying statement about how much I love my family before I progress, but as Anne Lamott so succinctly stated, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

This quote lives on my office door and I frequently make my students read it as I remind them of this vital fact. To write truthfully and creatively about yourself is to tread on potentially dangerous territory because someone’s feelings might get hurt. But we own our stories. And although I do love my family, I also have deep seated feelings and a long memory. And this is MY truth.

Fast forward.

This past Sunday, at 10 a.m. in North Park outside of Pittsburgh, PA, on a gray and overcast rainy day, I met my birth mother face to face for the first time.

Embedded in that first fierce and strong hug was a lifetime of longing.

“Since I last held you, I’ve wanted this,” she said into my hair, her tears wetting my neck. “I love you.”

Tears sprang to my eyes, surprising me with the force of emotion behind them. “I love you, too.”

She pulled back and caressed my face, laughing and crying. “You’re so pretty. So pretty.”

I looked into her eyes and saw mine. “You have blue eyes,” I said, smiling and allowing myself to feel the weight of the moment as my tears flowed. “I have your eyes.”

She smiled, looking me full in the eyes with absolute acceptance. We hugged for a long time and it felt good. In that hug and in the next seven hours, I started to understand more about who I am, where I come from, why I am the way that I am, why I look the way I do.

We have the same eyes. The same smile. The same nose. The same non-lobe earlobes.

We have the same stubborn determination. The same penchant to think and weigh decisions carefully before committing to a course of action. The same preference for not wearing jewelry, for booths over tables, for gardening, for animals, for taking chances, for loving deeply.

For the first part of the visit, we sat knee to knee, holding hands, sharing stories and laughter and insights. Nerves melted away into a warm comfort of understanding. I started to feel like I could really breathe. Or finally exhale.

She lifted her hand to caress my cheek. “You have my skin!”

“That explains why I look so much younger than my age. And seeing how beautiful you look gives me hope.”

She showed me family photos of my half-sister and half-brother, aunt, uncle, grandparents. I took photos of her photos and studied the faces. I saw my chin, my nose, my facial shape. I heard about these people and their stories and characteristics and felt something I’ve never experienced before that I think many people take for granted – acceptance that my personality, physical looks, and emotional characteristics stem from a long line of people with similar personality traits, physical appearance, and psychological characteristics. In my specific case, I come from a determined, opinionated, and headstrong German people.

That was a surprise. The German heritage.

My family is Irish and my parents were told by the adoption agency that I was Scottish and Irish and that my birth father was French Canadian.

That wasn’t quite true.

Turns out my birth father was possibly of French descent, but was an American marine. He also denied my paternity, which is why his name doesn’t appear on my original birth certificate. And my birth mother’s family is mostly German with a bit of English and Scottish.

No wonder I like bratwurst and beer. :)

Interlude.

I’m still processing the German, not Irish distinction. Being an American, it’s not as if my family’s former nationality plays a large role in my identity, but in many ways it does. My family is proudly Irish and they bring it up frequently enough to notice. Perhaps this was a relief of sorts that the girl they had adopted shared this nationality. But now that isn’t true and my parents brushed it off and are taking it well.

Families give us our first sense of identity through the stories they tell us as we grow up. Those stories are repeated at family dinners and picnics and vacations to the point of becoming legendary tales that are retold to re-establish that communal sense of belonging.

What happens when the story changes?

At the end of our daylong meeting, we discussed the Facebook discovery. I found her on Facebook. I had her name and it took me three hours of Internet searching. She recounted how much she has wanted to meet me, but that it had to be my decision. She never wanted to give me up, but did so because it was the right decision for me. She always hoped I would contact her. She has always loved me.

I can’t begin to express how much healing has begun now that I know. The mystery is solved. My story is changing and I will be better for it.

A new story begins.

The routineness of genetic testing

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 09 Oct 2013 22:05:00 +0000

"Sail away, sail away, sail away," Enya croons softly from the overhead speakers. Giada De Laurentiis makes some kind of chocolate cookie dough with chocolate chunks on the little flatscreen TV. A magazine page crinkles and swooshes into place as the woman behind me turns the page. It all seems so routine.

"Genetic testing," my doctor announced definitively at my last gynecology appointment. I had just learned about my family medical history from my birth mother, and had related it to my doctor: Aunt died of ovarian cancer, Grandmother died of breast cancer, Grandfather died of colon cancer. Now that we know I have this dangerous trifecta in my immediate family, genetic testing is the Sherlock Holmes of cancer testing.

For women with my history, genetic testing can open a door to potential preventative solutions, including (in my case) surgical removal of my one remaining ovary because evidently, "Ovarian cancer shows up in stage three," my doctor admonished, looking at me with that "take this seriously" look that I think doctors must perfect in residence. Fortunately, I do take this seriously. Or I thought I did. I just haven't felt any nerves or qualms about it yet because I am fully in favor of knowledge being powerful and an ounce of prevention and all that.

Now, surrounded by such common sights and sounds as I wait, distracting myself with Facebook and emails, I feel a swirl begin in my stomach. True, it may be that my jeans are now too tight because I gained back the ten pounds I lost over the summer (What? It's been a stressful semester. Again. Just in the last four weeks I've been insulted, threatened, and scolded. Seriously.). But no. The jeans aren't that tight.

Have I just been too distracted by my work, my wonderful relationship, my enjoyment of my garden and food and fishing, to really fully comprehend what this testing means?

If I test truly positive or "uncertain" for the breast and ovarian cancer gene, that means major surgery. Necessary, but major. And the last time I had surgery, it took me three days to recover from the anesthesia it made me so sick.

If I test truly positive, this means multiple mammograms and MRIs twice a year just to watch more closely until the inevitable shows up. People with family history of cancer have a 50/50 chance, according to my doctor and the research she presented to me.

For 43 years, I was blissfully unaware. Willing to go with the flow and just deal with whatever arose. And now, that has changed. Now, I will know. I want to know. And if the results aren't clear, then the decision becomes fuzzy and uncertain. Act? Or wait? Waiting could be a death sentence. Or not.

These are weighty thoughts and the swirl in my stomach hasn't stopped. No matter what the test results are, my life will change. Maybe that's why every skin cell now feels alert and prickly hot. My throat starts to throb with my heartbeat as it speeds up. My saliva tastes tinny. This feels momentous. Like I should take it more seriously than maybe I have.

"Amanda? The doctor can see you now."

Professor-shaming: A chilling new precedent

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Fri, 27 Sep 2013 20:06:00 +0000

For those of you who haven't seen this, here is an open letter that a student wrote and posted to her Facebook account in order to publicly shame her professor. This letter is now making the rounds of Facebook through sharing. Please read it over and then continue.
******************************
"Open letter to my professor.

Today marked one of the most upsetting academic experiences of my college career. I WAS enrolled in an anthropology and China course at Amherst College. The professor, who is not emotionally intelligent nor does she pick up on social cues well, "talked" about the One Child Policy.

Dear Professor: First of all, please do not talk to us like we are children. Second of all, please do not tell an entire class while laughing and cracking jokes that "people in China flush girls down the river and abandon them because no one wants a girl." Where do I even begin, Professor? Should I tell you that there are such things as "social pressures and government policies" that force women/families to make critical decisions that they don't necessarily want to make? Have you ever read your colleague's book "Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son"? Did you consider not laughing and making fun of this sensitive topic? Did you also know that I was one of those "unwanted females who every parent aborted" whom you so kindly speak of? Yes, you did know. How did you know? Because I told you on the first day of class while we all introduced ourselves and you asked us (the students) why we were taking the course. Oh, maybe you didn't hear me because you weren't paying attention? Why weren't you paying attention? Ah, you must have been staring admiringly into the eyes of your favorite Amherst student. Why did you continue to ignore my raised hand for at least 2 minutes, which a long time in classroom time? Judging from your actions, you must've wanted to ignore/silence me because you proceeded to call on the next Amherst student who raised his hand while totally disregarding my blood-drained arm that was still fighting to stay raised the entire time. Lastly, Professor, if you are going to pull this kind of sh#@ in front of a Chinese adoptee, you should know who that Chinese adoptee is. And if you're going to mess with a MoHo (Mount Holyoke student), you should know that she isn't running back to her dorm room to cry about it, she's going somewhere else - it's called the Dean's office.

Signed, An Unwanted Female

P.S. I am not one to shame people in public, but sometimes, an unwanted girl's gotta do what an unwanted girl's gotta do, right?
*****************************

Some of you may be saying "bravo!" and "go, girl!"

Some of you may be saying, "holy shit was THAT inappropriate."

Wherever your response is in that range, let's examine this public piece of writing for what it really is: public shaming of a professor for the sole purpose of retaliation, vengeance, and humiliation.

On every college campus in America there exist two grievance committees - one for students to submit grievances about faculty or staff and one for faculty and staff to submit grievances about each other and the system. There also exists on most, if not all, campuses a version of a Social Equity office that handles complaints about harassment, intimidation, and other discriminatory behavior. There are also department chairs and then deans, who often field such complaints before making any recommendations to the complainants about next steps. Finally, on most campuses, the procedure for making a grievance or complaint is private and held as a confidential process so as not to unduly embarrass any party, or create the potential for retaliation or change of status (ie, being kicked out of school, or being fired) particularly when all of the evidence has not been gathered or examined and all parties have not had their 'day in court' with the necessary committee or office.

In other words, there is a process in place to handle potentially problematic situations that were readily available to this student, whose feelings were hurt. Let's consider the facts that she offers us:

1. There is an Anthropology and China course at Amherst College
2. A professor teaches it
3. The student is angry about how she was treated
4. The student is a Chinese adoptee
5. An Amherst professor wrote a book on the subject titled Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son

The rest of this student's very angry missive is pure opinion. Might this professor truly be out to offend this particular student? Yes, it's possible. Might the class have introduced themselves on the first day and the professor doesn't actually remember this one girl's background? Yes, it's possible.

Is it possible that this professor talked in a joking manner about something very serious, possibly crossing the line into "inappropriate"? Yes, it's possible. Is it also possible that the professor was laughing out of disbelief, rather than support of such a policy? Also possible.

Is it possible that this student is a "constant contributor" to discussions and the professor was trying to call on other students? Yes. Is it also possible that the professor just didn't see this girl's hand in the sea of hands? Yes. Is it also possible that the professor has favorites and unfairly treats certain students better than others? Absolutely possible.

Are there misogynistic, bigoted, racist professors who bring those attitudes into their teachings and classroom environments? Of course. Do intolerant, needy, and spiteful young people get offended at the slightest whiff of something they disagree with or don't like? Absolutely possible. Are these two groups of people the majority on college campuses? Absolutely not. But this letter adds to the constant drumbeat of disgust and hatred that students and the general public feel toward professors already - this merely adds fuel to an already existing bonfire. Who benefits from this?

Clearly, the student who wrote this "open letter" got what she wanted. So many of the comments on her post (and the shares of her post - at least that I've seen) are of the encouraging, congratulatory, and laudatory type that it makes my skin crawl.

No doubt, right now, on Amherst's campus, administrators are meeting to discuss what to do about this. They will likely call the professor, whose identity is easily discovered by a simple Google search, into a conference room to ask about this incident. Hopefully, the professor will be give a fair chance to respond. And if the prof is found wanting, then changes should be made - perhaps additional training in tolerance or pedagogy - but this person does not, I repeat, DOES NOT deserve to be fired on the strength of one wounded girl's opinion.

Furthermore, this student will likely also be called to account for her rash and unnecessary public shaming of her professor. My hope is that she also receives some consequence - even a warning that this sort of retaliatory discourse is unacceptable and inappropriate for an Amherst student.

The grievance processes and committees exist for exactly this sort of situation. In this case, that is where the student should have turned. She was wrong to turn to Facebook because this sets a dangerous and chilling precedent.

Is this the model that we want our students, our children, our peers to follow when they feel aggrieved? It is one thing to speak up, which should be applauded. It is quite another thing to speak up rashly and out of anger in the wrong forum. We should be setting a better example for young people and helping them to understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate mediums for personal grievances, especially when someone's identity and job might be on the line.

Chili peppers: The ultimate icons of disrespect and devaluation

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Wed, 21 Aug 2013 19:56:00 +0000

Today, one of Slate.com's bloggers, The XX Factor's Amanda Marcotte, published this piece about women being caught in "an infuriating bind" that we can't seem to win: Women: Please don't be stylish. Also, please don't be frumpy.

Having been out of the corporate world for awhile, I found myself thinking about a similar bind in academe: the chili pepper.

For those unaware of this little icon's nefarious undercutting of all things important and professional in the university system, the "chili pepper" is a "hotness" icon on ratemyprofessors.com. If you open the site and select a professor, any professor, you will be given five ratings items for this highly trained, educated, and skilled individual: Overall Quality, Helpfulness, Clarity, Easiness, and Hotness, this last as exemplified by the red chili pepper icon. Holding your cursor over this icon, the following text appears, "Is your professor hot? Hot professors get a red chili pepper."

Let's start by acknowledging that this icon can be assigned to women or men, but I maintain that it is infinitely more damaging to women professors because academe remains a male-dominated space in which we continually must prove ourselves equal and worthy.

By including "hotness" as a quality deemed important or appealing to students, this web site (and, presumably, anyone who assigns such chili peppers to professors) dismisses the individual professor's education, experience, skills, abilities, intelligence, and care for students. Instead, the chili pepper places undue emphasis on physical attributes and appearance in a location that SHOULD be focused on the education of the MIND, hopefully in service of preparing said minds for future career success after graduation. How does "hotness" affect this outcome? It doesn't, and its inclusion as a ratings option on ratemyprofessors suggests that the way your professor LOOKS is more important than HOW and WHAT she teaches. The chili pepper, with one click of the mouse, devalues a female professor's worth as a professor.

Some men might be bothered by receiving a chili pepper, but women who receive them are considered objects of desire not to be taken seriously, instead of credible vessels of knowledge and gatekeepers to the next academic level. This type of misplaced emphasis on physical appearance contributes to an already potentially harsh environment for women professors. According to Bernice Sandler, a Senior Scholar in Residence at the Women's Research and Education Institute,

"Some studies (but not all) show that students rate their female professors more harshly than their male professors. In one study, where women students gave their female professors somewhat higher ratings than the men, the women still viewed the male professors as more dynamic and as better teachers.25 How well women fit the stereotypes of “femininity” can also affect their evaluations by students. One study found that ratings of women faculty were strongly affected by whether they smiled and were sociable, but these factors were less important to the ratings of men.26 Another study noted that women who presented themselves in traditional feminine ways were rated less competent than women who did not."

She who receives the ultimate icon of disrespect has been devalued as a professor and deemed "less than" - less than easy, less than fun, less than serious...with an emphasis on "less than easy to look at." According to this scale, the "hot" professors are the ones students should want to take because physical appearance dominates the goals of a college classroom, right?

Imagine being the female professor who has received a chili pepper by a former student. Imagine the discomfort that causes, knowing that at least one of her former students looked at her as an object to be fantasized about instead of a professional who had valuable information to teach. Imagine going into the next semester knowing that her future students will see that chili pepper and what they will think of her as a result. Imagine having to get past that high wall of assumptions in order to get the semester's work done.

Women and work may still be a difficult concept for many Americans to grasp, and the chili pepper contributes to the next generation's misunderstanding of the role of women in professional environments.

Radical surrender: A new mantra

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 02:26:00 +0000

Everyone has their limits before they break.

You've probably had one of those weeks. Or months. Or years. Where one thing after another goes wrong and nothing you do to correct, push back, or fix seems to work. When no matter what you do, say, or think, someone dislikes you enough to try and get you fired. When all of your positive efforts fail and your dentist announces a major procedure is forthcoming. Where you go in for a routine checkup and discover that genetic testing is necessary to determine the presence of a cancer gene which may or may not lead to a life-changing surgery. When following the rules and making good decisions doesn't work and you end up in a debt hole that feels too deep to climb out. You know. One thing after another piles up and suddenly, you reach maximum capacity and feel overwhelmed and beaten down. Like the universe has turned on you.

That's where I was last week. I was a wreck. The littlest thing made me cry. I lost all motivation to do anything productive. I was tired, so tired. All I had the energy to do was sit on the couch and watch Justified. Movie review due. Article needing revision. Syllabi to revise. Book to write. Data to enter. Insurance company to fight. Friends to catch up with. Lawn to mow. Things to do. No energy. I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not the only person who has experienced this sensation.

I was down and headed toward depression. A temporary state for me, thankfully. Not much brings me down and as my officemate noted at our lunch last week, I do tend to bounce back and recover rather quickly from these universe punches to the gut. I've been doing it all year.

I just reached my limit. Fortunately, unlike the many people I know who get stuck in this lackluster cauldron of despair to the point of truly needing medical help, I must have some kind of internal hard drive that only lets me sink so far before my mind starts to talk me off the ledge. Good friends help. Caring parents, likewise. Mom said to me today, "You have a strong back to carry all of this." And a wonderful man whose mere presence calms me in a way I never realized was possible.

On Friday, I was miserable and I'm sure when my honey saw me, he wondered where the woman he fell in love with disappeared to. That depressed, sad, worried, weepy, down woman was someone else. But it wasn't. It was me. And I really did feel that bad. And I also know that not everyone has the ability to pull themselves out of such a funk.

On Saturday, after a good night's sleep and plenty of discussion, caring snuggling, and sympathy (and an entire bottle of blood orange creme liquor shared while sitting on the bow of a boat as the wind blew across the marina and bay as the clock ticked toward 1 a.m.), I woke to fully feel this realization: Something will happen.

When I had lunch with my friend last week in the midst of my despair, I mentioned this idea of radical surrender, and she confirmed the concept by stating, "Something will happen."

This tickle of an idea set something off deep in my core, even as I felt myself sinking deeper. Something will happen resonated inside me like a temple bell. Something will happen. Something will happen. Like a mantra, I kept repeating this to myself until Saturday morning.

On Saturday morning, I awoke and FELT the idea. Something will happen. And I will deal with it when it does. Uncertainty can be dealt with better with less energy spent on worrying about potential outcomes. I cannot control the who, what, when, where, why, or how, but something will happen. And when it does, I will deal with it.

That proverbial weight crushing me just lifted and I suddenly felt calm. There's something liberating about being completely overwhelmed and realizing there isn't anything you can do to change things. Because something will happen. So just wait. And deal with that something when it happens.

I also need to acknowledge my sweetheart, whose mere physical presence calms me. Our relationship is marked by peacefulness despite our many surface disagreements. It's funny to me because people who hear us playfully disagreeing must think we don't agree on anything. But the issues we disagree on are actually insignificant in the grand scheme of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. When I am with him, I am calmer. I motivate him to try new things like attending theatrical performances and kayaking and moving to a better marina, and he makes me smile, laugh, and feel calm. Our relationship has a peaceful centeredness that I treasure. It is this center that I returned to this Friday night and that retreat pushed me back into accepting radical surrender as a new mantra.

I am thankful for his presence in my life and am thankful to have a healthier mindset heading into one last shore trip this week before the semester starts anew.

Maybe you're in that headspace where everything feels out of control and you feel like you're drowning. Please, don't. You won't drown. You do have people in your life who know you, support you, and care about you. You are not alone. You can get through this. Try repeating this new mantra and maybe it'll bring you back to your center. Practice radical surrender. Something will happen and you will deal with it when it does.

Peace, friends.

A call to change gendered assumptions about grilling

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 13:25:00 +0000

Last week, I hosted a family and friends cookout. At the top of the menu was smoked turkey and ribs. I purchased the meats carefully, selecting plump, hefty portions, knowing that the long smoke would dry them out. I selected preservative-free apple juice and used a chocolate stout for basting because these add sweetness, savory depth, and color (but no chemicals). I loaded a bin with cherry wood the night before and filled the bin with water because soaking the wood thoroughly means that it will smoke more when added to the fire. When I got home from the store, I made a brine for the turkey - apple juice, water, brown sugar, salt, orange rinds, bay leaves, peppercorns, and immersed the bird before sealing the container and loading it into a cleared shelf in the refrigerator.

The day before the picnic, I woke up, made a cup of coffee, and loaded my little firestarter chimney with charcoal, pushed two balls of newspaper underneath, and lit it on fire. It takes about 10 minutes for the coals to get red hot, at which point, I moved the superheated chimney around the main grill top and scraped and scrubbed the grates, using the heat as my cleaning agent along with the scouring brush. Then I dumped the coals into the smoker and shut all of the lids to allow the inside of the grill to get nice and hot while I dry-rubbed the ribs with a spicy, sugary mixture, and rinsed the turkey.

Once the meats were prepped, I loaded them onto trays, carried them out to the deck, and laid them in specific places on the grill: the fat turkey breast went closest to the smoker opening, the turkey thigh went on the shelf above that, but a little further back from the heat, and the ribs were placed from thinnest to thickest from the coolest to the hottest part of the grill. Placement is essential unless you want dried out, sawdust meat.

My plan was to use the 3-2-1 method: three hours of open smoking, two hours covered and wrapped in foil while smoking, and then one hour open smoke. Basting after two hours and every half hour (or so) after that. Smoking, as I've learned, really is an art. This is a fire-born dance of heat and flavor that can produce some of the best-tasting meat you've ever had - or turn a juicy, just-right rib into the toughest, jerky-like piece of flesh you've place your teeth on. I'm still learning, but I persist because I love cooking and this is just another cooking frontier for me.

Two days before the picnic, my parents came into town and we went to dinner at one of my favorite local brewpubs. Mom said she already bought my man's birthday gift (this event is a month away). I said, "Really? And what did you get?" She smiled proudly and said, "We got two of those smoking kits from Rollier's!" I paused, frowned a touch, and said, "I'm the one who smokes. Not him."

Mom genuinely seemed surprised and said, "But I thought you got things going and then he stepped in and took over?"

Just this week, I was searching the Life is Good web site for their latest designs and came across the grilling section. Imagine my disappointment when I discover only a "King of the Grill" t-shirt and hat - but no "Queen of the Grill." This reflects my Mom's assumption that only men can rule the grill, which is something I clearly disprove every time I set my smoker with fire.

This may seem a small thing. Insignificant in light of the bigger and more serious gendered assumptions in our world. But I maintain that this type of gendered assumption starts small and insignificant, embedding itself in our brains and activities to the point where "he takes over (and does the REAL work)" just rolls off the tongue in all sorts of daily situations. In other words, the persistent acceptance of this assumption pervades even the commonest and mildest forms of daily life - like grilling.

I have already written to the Life is Good company to request that they make a Queen of the Grill t-shirt for women like me who rule the grill. If you agree with me, please consider supporting my request by sending them one of your own. The Contact Us page is here: http://www.lifeisgood.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-LIG-Site/default/CustomerService-ContactUs.

Grill queens (and those who love our efforts) unite! :)

43 Reflections (Part Two)

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 23 Jul 2013 18:08:00 +0000

As promised, here is the second half of my list of 43 reflections and observations. And as with the Part One, read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say, share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of course, these are in no particular order of importance. :):

24. It's okay to lose control. Sometimes we get wound so tightly that we can't enjoy ourselves. The brain doesn't shut off, the interior voices don't shut up, and we can't live in the moment and let go. I've had such problems with this, but I'm finally becoming comfortable enough with myself to truly let go when the situation allows for it. And it is a marvelous, wild, time-stopping feeling.

25. Generosity is as vital as understanding. With money (if you have it), with time, with talents and skills, with advice, with listening, with compassion. Being generous with the people in your life will reap more dividends on a longer term basis than any amount of wise financial investment in the stock market. Spend your emotional, physical, and financial capital on the people you love and watch what happens.

26. Don't flinch when challenged. Remember that kid's game - two for flinching? Well, as adults, it may not be two arm punches that come flying at us when we flinch, it may be a downgrade of our reputation, a decrease in trust, a questioning of our abilities. Even when you are wrong and must fix a situation, never flinch when challenged. Calmly assert your claim to authority and walk away with your character and confidence intact. And then fix the problem.

27. Silence can be a powerful ally or weapon, depending on how it is deployed. Sometimes stepping away or remaining silent is more powerful than words. Just try it some time and witness the effect that silence can have.

28. It's not always important to win. I can't tell you how hard-won this piece of knowledge is for me. Until my mid-30s, I really believed that winning was the most important thing - more important than friendships, relationship peace, anything really. And that is dead wrong. I was wrong. And it took me a lot of time and mental energy to re-work myself around to what I now know. Perhaps this knowledge can only come from first feeling the opposite and then suffering through the result and changing - like an alcoholic admitting she has a problem. However, if you can avoid learning this particular lesson the hard way, I recommend doing so.

29. Learning shouldn't stop. Certainly, the older we get, and the more we read, see, and experience, the more we know. But for some people, that learning stops - they hit a certain age and decide to stop learning new things or considering new ideas. This may just be a personal preference on my part, but I think shutting yourself off from learning is the beginning of the end of your mind's health and vitality.

30. Bad news and unexpected disruptions to "normal" life should be expected, but always take us by surprise. The longer you live, the more things you live through - much of it bad news and unexpected disruptions that you didn't create or cause. So you'd think we'd become accustomed to these infrequent disturbances to our "normal" lives. Nope. We easily fall back into the comfort zone and enter a type of selective amnesia and then wham! Another unexpected disruption and we're SO surprised! Perhaps expecting the unexpected is one of those concepts that can only be talked about and agreed upon, but not truly felt.

31. It's okay to grieve. The death of a relationship, a loved one, a pet. The end of anything that is important to us. We can't see the beginning peeking around the corner because we are too sad, too blinded by despair. But hope and new starts are there, calmly waiting. Well-meaning people will pressure you to buck up and snap out of it - don't listen. Grieve. Cry. Mourn. Be sad. Be angry. Take as long as you need to start healing and seeing the world with hope and wonder again. Don't feel bad about taking your time. Don't internalize societal pressure to get over it. Ignore that idea. Take as long as you need.

32. Working hard does not guarantee success. There's a myth that we Americans tend to subscribe to - that hard work in and of itself will pay off economically, socially, and/or professionally. And as much of an advocate as I am of working hard, I've seen and experienced enough to know what folly it is to believe in this idea. It is not just hard work. It is also your ability to network, meet people, and cultivate relationships with influential individuals who can help move your ideas along. It is also a large dose of luck to be in the right place at the right time, something we cannot control or predict. It is also your intuition and ability to interpret a moment and possibly make a sudden decision. And it is also your willingness to take advantage of opportunities as they come your way - not dismiss them out of hand for some surface and temporary reason (salary reduction is often a big one) - but see them as stepping stones for future success. Hard work is just part of the equation.

33. Success is not the enemy, greed is. Once you do achieve a modicum of professional and/or economic success, be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy the rewards of your labors. Success in this respect is a wonderful thing. Just don't become Gordon Gekko. Maybe this is just my inner Marxist coming out, but there does seem to be a difference between economic success that is earned, enjoyed, and shared versus greed - when enough isn't enough. Perhaps it is in the underlying motivation. We live in a consumerist society - no avoiding that - but you don't have to subscribe to the belief that you need everything and more more more. Achievement and success are good things and everyone should strive to reach as far up the ladder as their desires want them to go...but don't let pure greed be the motivating factor.

34. When in doubt, take a deep breath before diving in. Whether in a job interview, a meeting, a coffee date with a friend, on stage, or when presented with a statement or question that you aren't sure how to answer, the best response is breathing. Just take a deep breath, say, "Hmm, good point/question. Let me think about that for a moment." And then silently (and quickly) compose a response before speaking. You will come across as confident, mature, and composed, instead of scatterbrained, disjointed, and nervous.

35. Courtesy is no longer common, but it should be. Now I sound like one of those old timers futzing about these damn kids...but I am in earnest. Simple gestures like opening and holding a door for someone, saying thank you when they do the same for you, offering to help with a task, pausing in traffic to let another driver in to the lane; these are becoming rare instances, which is a shame because it speaks to a downgrading of classiness in all of us.

36.One person's truth is another person's lie. There is no avoiding this fact. What I believe wholeheartedly to be true, I can name a dozen people who not only disagree with me, but who believe the exact opposite to be true (You may be one of those people, looking at this list, and trying to count the ways in which I am wrong). The better truth to embrace is simple acknowledgment that my truth and your truth are just different: equally powerful and compelling, but different. Once you learn to accept that as fact, debates of all kinds become easier, less contentious, and more palatable.

37. When someone compliments you, say thank you. When you dismiss a compliment, you are dismissing that person's entire perspective and saying, "What you say doesn't matter - I don't agree with your compliment, so will brush it off and replace it with my own negativity." That is so disrespectful. Don't do that. Just don't. Appreciate the sentiment and the spirit in which it is offered. When someone compliments your hair, your outfit, your article, your qualities, just smile and say, "Thank you!"

38. Constructing a bucket list is a useful and functional exercise. Just remember to be flexible. What you desire to accomplish at 25 will likely change by the time you are 35 and 45 and 55, so start that list and begin doing the activities and accomplishing a few of the goals. And then revisit it in a few years to see what you've done (pat yourself on the back and be happy if you've managed a couple of items) and what goals have changed. Don't hesitate to replace anything that no longer makes sense for where you are in life.

39. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. (Getting the hint? Keep repeating this until it sinks in.) Accept that failure is inevitable - in school, in professional life, in relationships, in families and friendships, in projects and small tasks, in purchasing things and trying new hobbies. Failure. Is. Inevitable. It is not that you can prevent failure, it is how you respond when you fail that marks the difference between "failures" and "survivors." Fail. Learn. Go again.

40. There will come a day when you finally get it. It wasn't in my 20s (even though I thought I knew everything then). It wasn't in my 30s after being married and divorced. It wasn't even when I turned 40, earned my Ph.D. and became a professor. I really just started to get it this year. I feel like I am finally starting to have a handle on how life and all of its myriad components, surprises, left jabs, and challenges work. I feel confident now that I really can survive anything. That no matter what ridiculous obstacles leap into view, that I will be okay and I will be able to figure it out. Life seems much less fragile now, or maybe I just feel more resilient. That feeling just happened. This year. So be patient and know that this type of wisdom really can take some serious time.

41. Never speak negatively about yourself. Whether with friends, co-workers, a potential new boss, a professor, or a landlord, never knock yourself down with words. Once spoken, the words hang in the air and create a sense of doubt about you. If you don't like yourself enough to sing your own praises and at least mildly proclaim them, why should anyone believe in you and give you a chance? Be your own best advocate and always speak well of yourself without crossing the line into arrogance.

42. When you need help, ask for it. Not asking for help is this weird affliction that I swear is either a Pennsylvania thing or maybe an American thing. I'm not sure, but there's something about asking for help that makes us feel weak. And no one likes to feel weak. I used to suffer from this affliction. No longer. I now know and am fully aware of how important it is (for my own sanity and to speed up the solution process) to ask for help. It is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Because you know something else? When you ask for help (especially when you rarely ask), friends and family tend to leap to your aid - which makes sense. I know I tend to leap when a friend or family member asks for help, advice, assistance - I love helping others. How arrogant of me to assume other people don't have the same impulse? So, when you need help, ask for it. And say thank you when your peeps step up.

43. Work at having fun. Too many of us work way too hard, stress way too much, and focus on the negatives. I've been guilty of this just this year, what with State Farm jerking me around (my Hurricane Sandy claim remains unsettled) and all of the other obstacles and challenges that have arisen in this short 12 month period. But my man and friends and family always remind me of the good things and the fact that situations always improve - it is easy to lose sight of this when in the throes of chaos. But they are correct. And even in the midst of chaos, it is vitally important to have fun. I work to live, I don't live to work. When I was nine, my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said, "Have fun." He laughed and said, "You can't make a living having fun!" I responded, "I will!" Now, all of my careers and jobs have certainly been work, but have always included elements of fun. But when I say have fun, I don't restrict that to work because let's face it, work can really drag us down sometimes. Which is why it so important to work at having fun. Whatever it is that brings you joy and satisfaction should be close to the top of your weekly list. Every week. And new fun adventures that you're itching to try? Go for it. Having fun is one of those activities that makes life worth living, so why slack off? :)

43 Reflections (Part One)

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Mon, 22 Jul 2013 20:41:00 +0000

My dad likes to remind me, too frequently imho, that he is and will always be 40 years my senior, with 40 additional years of experience, so I need to just be quiet and listen already. Well. You know that I love my dad, but as I have reached the age at which most people are considered fully functioning and trustworthy adults, I feel fairly confident in the reflections and assertions I'm about to make.

I have no children and have no plans for any, but I am still drawn to teach (hence the current career choice of professor), so please forgive me if this reflection list sounds too meme-ish or self-indulgent or preachy. I intend none of these impressions. I merely wish to honestly convey some things I'm pretty confident about at this stage in my life. Forty-three of them, in fact, to correspond to my new age as of Saturday. Read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say, share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of course, these are in no particular order of importance. :)

1. Family really is important. Even when they drive you batshit crazy and make you want to scream. They care, they really do. And you will miss them when they are gone, so spend what time you can with them while they are around.

2. Love is worth the risk. Love is a fluctuating, flexible, fluid concept and can be shared with any number of people in any number of ways once you decide to truly open yourself up to the risk of failure. Being vulnerable and raw are absolute necessities for love to flourish - it's a difficult plant to control, grow, and bring back from the dead. But it is always unexpected and fulfilling, thorns and all.

3. Sex is essential. Learning about it, exploring and experimenting with it, doing it. Just say yes.

4. Everyone needs friends. Don't ever say or let anyone say, "I don't need friends." That's just a flat-out lie. Friends keep us sane, understand and challenge us when we need it, share our pain and excitement, even from afar. Keep your friendships alive, no matter the effort required. It pays off in so many miniscule, yet vital, ways that makes daily life bearable and sometimes downright joyful.

5. Owning your own home is, after all, worth it. It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point where I can say this without smirking or cringing. I am finally starting to believe this sentiment to be true. There really is such a thing as pride in ownership. And having the flexibility to make whatever changes you want and shape your space into something that reflects who you are is incredibly valuable and yes, worth the extraordinary investment of money, time, and sweat.

6. Home improvement projects take a lot longer than HGTV or DIY lead you to believe. I think we all understand this on an intellectual level, but watching those shows and then trying to tackle a huge project like a bathroom renovation or a yard and garden reconstruction alone (as opposed to with the help of 30 people in one weekend) is quite a shock to the physical and psychological system. But, as with number 5, the projects and the associated money, time, and physical effort (plus learning curve) are well worth it to be able to enjoy the finished area with a real sense of pride and accomplishment.

7. Everything you learned in kindergarten is not all you need to know. You also need to understand how to work with difficult people with impossible personalities. You need to know how to be nice all the time, even the face of rampant idiocy. You need to know how to navigate a professional space politically and diplomatically. You need to know how to pick your battles. You need to know when to stand and fight, no matter the personal or professional risk. You need to know when to walk away because it just isn't worth arguing. This knowledge isn't taught at home or in school, but over the course of time and jobs and relationships and situations. This knowledge only arrives slowly over time - be patient - it accumulates.

8. Well-deployed anger is useful. I've written about this before. Too much anger, misplaced anger, violent anger - all unhelpful and counterproductive. But thoughtful, well-deployed anger? That can be a powerful tool to influence people, create change, or even just get people talking.

9. You are never too old to get an education. I hear people say this all the time - people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s..."I'm too old to go back to school." And as with number four, I call bullshit. Unless you have a diminished mental capacity for some reason, you are NEVER too old to get a degree, additional training, new skills. Want to change careers? Go for it. Plan well and go for it. There are myriad excuses built-in to a busy adult's life - kids, mortgage, spouse, time, busy busy busy...if you want something badly enough, you'll make the time and figure out a way to make it work. Period.

10. You don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life. Despite what some people might believe, it is more than possible to have a fun, exhilarating, love-filled, adventurous, and fulfilling life sans children. If you want a child, I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. If you feel pressured by family, friends, co-workers, the general social dynamic of our nation to have children, you best think long and hard before going down that road. If, gods forbid, your partner tries to convince you that "having a kid will strengthen our marriage," run away from that person as fast as your feet will carry you. And if, like me, you decide, on purpose, not to have a child, then I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. Kids do not equal automatic happiness and fulfillment and if you know in the depth of your being that the kid-path ain't for you? Then don't internalize the judgment you may receive. Just smile and know that you don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life.

11. Learning an art form will make you more compassionate. This has probably been said before by famous people with books, but I'll add my voice to the chorus. Learning how to play the piano, how to draw and paint, how to take artistic and thoughtfully composed photographs, how to cook, how to build with wood, how to dance and sing, how to bring a character to life on stage or on paper....these are things I know how to do and this knowledge has increased my capacity for compassion and understanding one hundred-fold. Everyone I know who has some, all, or more of these artistic skills also has extraordinary compassion in varying degrees. If you don't have an artistic skill, go learn one and contribute to the compassion index of the world.

12. Some people really are jerks. Going along with number 11, I can't help but think about the handful of people I've encountered who truly are class-A jerks. People who I wouldn't choose to spend time with if you paid me to do so. Fortunately, the number is small, so in 43 years, that's pretty good. But it's true - some people really are jerks and there's no explaining or rationalizing it away.

13. Basic life skills are sexy and attractive. Knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, sew on buttons and fix hems, build a fire, fish or hunt or grow your own food - these are essential life skills that everyone should know. For some reason, I meet a lot of people who don't have many of these skills - if any. That is not only tragic, that is dangerous. When our society gets away from basic skills such as these, we are in serious trouble if and when the power blinks out for good. I'm not a doomsday type, but I believe in the power of basic skills. Learn them. Know them. Share them with the younger generations.

14. Eating healthy can be delicious if done right. Indulging now and again in foods laden with sugar, salt, and fats is fine - it's when we load our daily meals with these choices that we get into trouble. I have worked very hard at various points in my life to correct bad eating habits and I think I finally have a handle on it. Eating healthy can feel just as indulgent as eating unhealthily, if you make the right choices - and learn how to cook! Back to the basics, always. Understanding how different ingredients and flavors work and taste together is essential to understanding how to construct creative, satisfying, and flavorful meals without loads of sugar, salt, and fats. No, really! :)

15. Having good credit opens doors. Having bad or "high risk" credit slams doors in your face and jacks up the rates for any creditor willing to take a chance on you. Check your credit record frequently, keep tabs on it, and try very hard not to dig yourself a hole. It takes a long time to dig out.

16. If you dig yourself a credit abyss and feel like you are drowning, you will recover with time, patience, and assiduous attention. It takes a long time to dig out, but you will dig out.

17. Lots of education, skills, and experience means you will always have a job. It may not be your ideal job, or it may mean you take a job below your skill level for awhile, but these three elements put you at the top of the hiring heap, guaranteed, every time.

18. Feeling utterly overwhelmed, panicked, afraid, worried, nervous, or in pain are all temporary sensations and will pass. They really do. And these moments allow you to see and enjoy the light-filled, joyous, and daily moments of quiet contentment even more.

19. Some mysteries are meant to be solved and some aren't. Knowing and having answers is the ideal situation, but not all situations lend themselves to this end. Accepting the existence of a mystery might be necessary - once you accept it, you can start spending your mental energy on something more productive. Like learning to cook better. :)

20. Constant complaining is a buzzkill. Just don't do it. It annoys the hell out of the people around you and although they may be sympathetic to your plight, constant complaints just makes people want to stay away from you or drive the conversation, thus reducing your contributions. Kvetching a bit is something we all indulge in now and again - it's fun to share the annoyances in our lives sometimes - but constant streams of complaints about minor and major issues without a break is a buzzkill.

21. There really is something magical about stopping and smelling the flowers, or contemplating the painterly colors in a sunset, or running your hand over a plant's fuzzy leaves, or really savoring that dish you just spent two hours cooking. Pausing to appreciate the beautiful and tasty sensations of our world is one of the greatest experiences you can have.

22. Stop texting at dinner (or lunch or breakfast). If you are having a meal with someone, put your phone away or on silent, don't look at it, don't have text or Facebook conversations with people who are not at the table. It is infinitely rude to the people you are dining with and just an obnoxious contemporary behavior that needs to stop. I've been guilty of this myself - I'm pretty sure all of us who have smart phones are - but I'm really making an effort to leave my phone in the purse, in the car, or certainly on silent. I really don't need to respond to ANYone right away...and neither do you.

23. I am happy to be alive. My Grandma Helen always used to say she only wanted to be alive as long as her mind held out. I took that to mean that her body could diminish and become less capable and she'd be ok with that. But her mind - her intelligence, ability to think for herself, reason, debate, discuss, and generally enjoy and be aware of the world - that was essential. I agree with her. I am happy to be alive as long as I have my mind.

(Part Two, or the final 20, next time!)

These are (not) my hands

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Tue, 09 Jul 2013 22:39:00 +0000

At a family picnic over the recent holiday weekend, I couldn't help but notice all of the beautiful manicures on the women in attendance. Pinks, reds, patriotic, swirls, stripes, designs reflecting the individual woman's taste and style. Long, luscious nails, perfectly polished and shiny, a glittering outward signal of socially acceptable femininity. Here are my nails, hear them roar.

These are not my hands.

The picnic provided a respite from the work that my man and I are doing on his boat to finish prepping it for the season. I have cleaned, swept, painted, sanded, stacked, and organized, yanked and pushed. My hands grip hoses, paint brushes, silicone caulk, and screws. Before we left for the picnic, I looked down at my hands. My nails were a mess; dirt underneath, two ripped and in need of an emory board, unpolished, uncolored. Unfeminine.

I'm a fan of pedicures instead of manicures because of the variety and amount of work that I do with my hands. Even my toes get roughed up with some activities, but not as much as my hands. Typing and grading papers are easy on the nails, but ripping up a bathroom floor, cleaning and mixing river pebbles for the new floor, painting, sanding, removing grout, weeding, planting, boat work? Not to mention fishing, paddling, clamming, crabbing, walking the beach and picking up horseshoe crabs or shells or rocks to examine.

These are my hands.

Many of my friends have beautiful nails on their hands - they care for them meticulously and get new manicures when the current one starts chipping and looking unkempt, imperfect, less whole and ragged. Manicures smooth out the rough edges, polish the appearance, present an idea of beauty and hygiene that women and men find attractive.

These are not my hands.

I wish I could get manicures like so many women I know. But I know it's a waste of my money if I did. Because of the tactile nature of so much of what my hands do on a daily basis. I love the feel of dirt, prickly plant leaves, smooth fishing line and sharp metal hooks, the weight of a hammer or nail gun in my grip, the grit of the pebbles as I wash them and make them clean enough to accept the epoxy coating, the soft yielding of ripe tomatoes right off the vine, the sticky hardening of silicone as I smooth it between the wood baseboard and the tub, the slickness of a piece of mackerel head pushed onto a bait hook...

These are my hands.

Pondering the difference, I wonder why we consider polished, manicured nails to be a sign of femininity? Why aren't female hands that clearly do tactile, rough, and dirty work also feminine? Why is softness more feminine than strength? Why is the suggestion that no work is being done more feminine than clear evidence of work? Why must our markers of femininity only include the pretty, the perfect, the smooth and clean? Because I also know an awful lot of women who work really hard doing all kinds of work - teaching, running businesses, mothering. But this work doesn't show on their hands.

Maybe it is time for us, as a society, to appreciate and value the rough, the unpolished, and the imperfect in women, as well as those outward signs of work evident on hands and bodies, and celebrate these as truly feminine qualities. As much as I admire those beautifully manicured hands, I can't bring myself to buy a manicure because it wouldn't last a day.

These are my hands. And they are beautiful, strong, hard-working, and feminine.

"I don't trust women"

noreply@blogger.com (American Puzzle) — Fri, 21 Jun 2013 17:26:00 +0000

Yesterday, I had lunch with a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman - my officemate. We ate in a cafe owned by another strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman. Last week, I had lunch with a strong, intelligent, and accomplished friend who is a hospice doctor. Today, I picked up some treats for my strong, intelligent, and accomplished Southern women friends from a deli owned by a strong, intelligent, and accomplished local woman business owner. I am surrounded on a regular basis by strong, intelligent, and accomplished women. I am also a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman. None of us became accomplished by remaining quiet, not speaking up, and acquiescing to the will of a society that would prefer us to look and be perfect Stepford dolls (and did I mention unopinionated and stupid?) We all became accomplished in spite of this pressure to conform to silence and subservience. And yet...and yet...

...we all feel twinges of doubt about a wide variety of issues - body image, writing, business decisions, family decisions, professional choices. This bald fact is unavoidable, but sometimes something happens that brings this issue of self-doubt about one's self-worth to a head.

Yesterday as I was driving very slowly through the cafe parking lot and heading toward the exit, a middle-aged man jumped out of his truck and started across the lot to the KFC. We saw each other at about the same time, so I stopped a good 50 feet away, and waved him on. He stood still, and waved me on. I shook my head and smiled, waving him on - the universal signal that says "I see you - you're safe - go ahead."

You know what this man did? Something that I suspect many men AND women do on a daily basis - so much so that it is embedded in every reaction that we have whether we are driving, ordering something on the phone, listening to an expert, or voting.

He shook his head, held his arms up in an X, and shouted, "I don't trust women!" And then waved me on again. My stomach flipped, but I laughed (wrong response) and drove on. I should have stopped, gotten out, and asked him why he would say such a thing - it was insulting. But instead of responding the right way and challenging this behavior on the spot, this exchange has been eating at me ever since.

Why did he say that? Why doesn't he trust women? Women drivers, or women in general? My anger is also rising about this because it seemed so friendly and innocuous, but was loaded with toxicity and the expectation that because I'm a woman, I must not understand that I have to stop so that a man can cross in front of me. That pisses me off. And before you go off on some rant that I just don't understand and that oh, he was just "playing" or being funny - let me remind you that women in positions of power and authority suffer this assumption constantly. (And a woman behind a the wheel of a car can be perceived to have power over someone on foot.)

Over the course of my life, now and then, I will be reminded of my place by a "well-meaning" person - either man or woman, sometimes friend, sometimes colleague, sometimes family. Perhaps you've heard this statement and are similarly irritated by its counterproductive nature:

"You should watch what you say because you're in a position of authority - people trust you."

This is my all-time favorite and is ubiquitous to my life - this statement and its many forms has followed me from the moment I became a journalist. Until then, I was a subordinate figure in advertising and other businesses - I worked for others. The moment I started working for myself, I became scary to others. Now that I'm a professor, and part of the "intellectual elite" (whatever that is), apparently, I'm REALLY scary. I have things to say and I am not afraid to say them and for a woman to be that way and have that attitude rubs against the grain of a whole lot of people. The main thread that links both of my careers and positions together is the fact that I am a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman who isn't afraid to talk and write about anything, even when it pisses other people off. My greatest critics in this respect have, much to my chagrin, been women.

This hurts more than any man's criticism.

Women need to be more supportive of each other's desire and ability to speak up, speak out, and speak well on a wide variety of issues, including some of the most sensitive and difficult topics. We need to stop being so critical of each other's strengths because there are enough men who feel the way that the KFC-loving parking lot-walker feel - they don't trust women - so we need to trust and love each other as we are - and not try to change each other into some stilted societally-acceptable silent presence in this world. There are enough forces already winning that war - let's stop contributing ammunition to the wrong side of the battles.

The men in our lives, employees, co-workers, employers, service workers, random people on the street and in stores, may not trust us, but it is imperative that we trust each other AS WOMEN and allow our fellow women to be who they are without judgment from us. The men aren't going to take the lead on this, ladies. We must trust each other. We must lead by example.