Amethyst

For God so loved the world….

2026-03-15T02:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder

What our fate would have been if God had sent a daughter

To die for the sins of the world, would she have been forced to conform to the times ?

Or break out of the mold?

For one thing the family wouldn’t have fled to escape Herod

He must have known her birth would be underestimated

As Gods own begotten daughter would she have been betrothed?

Married of at thirteen, grinding grain, baking bread and weaving thread

Or would she have disciples with whom she breaks bread?

If God had sent a daughter

Unlikely to be educated, would she still teach large crowds?

Healing the sick and raising the dead, would she be labeled a witch and burned at the stake ?

Or worshiped as a goddess or sold off to a wealthy nation?

If God had sent a daughter

Would men lower their heads and listen to her speak?

Would the kingdom of God have progressed even an inch?

If God had sent a daughter

Would she have survived long enough to die for our sins?

Cry

2025-05-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

Tell me what makes you cry

Long silence’s, sad songs or rainy nights?

Or the sweet nothings I wove into my desperate lies

Does it hurt you?

Moving through life after what I put you through

Does the memories plague your dreams

Or do you yearn for false moments of peace

Would you rather I come repenting, crawling on my knees

In the wee hours where reality blurs and thoughts fade, would you forgive

All the terrible things I did

Luring you into a false sense of reality, scheming and plotting to make you mine

Walking away from your bleeding heart

The look on your face haunts my mind

Everything seems to bring me back to that moment in time

Tell me, did I make you cry?

Mirror Image

2023-02-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

I've made an enemy out of mirrors, a foe out of my alter ego

I plot and scheme just to avoid seeing what lies within

A new insecurity? Or a truth....

Implementing The thirty six stratagems, Sun Tzu's art of war and every thing in between

All feckless

But who can really wage a war on themselves and win?

So I run from them, willfully ignorant

Refusing to confront yet achingly aware

Of the fallacies and falsities built up inside my head

Verity a foregone conclusion

As I swim in misconceptions and fight battles with delusions

Not of grandeur but of decimation

I want to purge these thoughts, but of course!

Refute every erroneous impression

But is such a feat one for a coward who runs from the mirror's reflection?.......

Non-Fiction

2022-12-04T21:36:00.001-08:00

There's a feeling of helplessness I get when reading non fiction

In books where the lines of reality blurr and societal norms smudge

It's a feeling of not knowing Wether to laugh nor cry

Sometimes I insert myself into that world with humans made of letters and live vicariously through them

Other times I watch unfazed at their apparent struggles, an indifferent spectator

Very rarely i watch the plot unfold not able to immerse myself yet unable to be unaffected

Like being seperated by a layer of window paper, fragile and flimsy

It's at times like this I feel it snaking around and through me, a feeling so poignant but wrapped in layers of ambiguity

These overwhelming feelings I sense between the lines, the unwritten words suffocating me

I think about the one who wrote it, is it truly not real or is it a pain that could not even be put into words

So I avoid these works and delve into fiction

Where nothing is real and everything is an illusion

Memory lane

2021-11-18T05:52:00.001-08:00

I sometimes remember things I shouldn't

A hand in the dark, sinister laughs and my palpable anxiety

It happens without warning catching me off guard

Knocks the wind out of my sails and sends chills down my back

The evils of the past I shoved into my closet

Redressed them in colors of the sun and pretended all was well

Now rearing their ugly head and whispering wicked words

How do i forget again?

The wounds I ignored, festered and rotted exuding a strange smell

Inciting images and records of that decade's events

Let sleepiing dogs lie I always said

The past should remain in the past I reiterated

Now the ghost of erstwhile haunts my dreams bringing up memories strictly forbidden.

The Talking Cure

2020-11-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

The room is as drab as usual, blinds closed and drapes drawn

Your quiet face calm, gently holding onto a pen, lips pursed and eyes empty, an eerie silence perused the entire space

Merging with the entirely white room, it was like a scene from a movie but my reality

You wouldn't speak first I knew but I always liked to watch you and gauge how much you'd let me get away with

The ticking of your jaw and slight furrow between your brows showed me your patience had reached its limit

Clearing my throat I looked away from you and started speaking, my voice hoarse from disuse

"At noon i stared out at the milky White skies

From my perch at the edge of the window I watched an Eagle take flight

Wings spread apart feathers filtering sunlight

It soared above the clouds and looked down at the world with palpable dignity and pride

I watched silently a strange feeling stirring up my mind

What would it feel like to fly?

I felt my heart rate speed up and my eyes fluttered close, I wanted to imagine what freedom feels like

The Eagle landed atop a tall tree nesting in and I craned my neck to see

I wondered what would it like to be unattainable and ever so carefree

To live life without thought and worry, basking in the heart of the earth, thriving in the mundane

But that couldn't be me, the me who is weighed down by life's forces, collapsing under the force of it all

The me who is fettered to this world, held down by expectations and fear could never soar

I closed the window and let out a breath, out of sight out of mind

But the whispers in my heart continued, egging me on this path of no return

Could I give it all up, shed my mortal woes and ascend?

What even is this train of thought? I sighed to myself, I couldn't do it my lack of courage leads to unachievable goals

My life is mine, all the pain intricately woven into my soul, there is no escape

Day dreaming of freedom and flight are past times from which I must abstain

Dr. do your job, teach me how to to stay sane"

The room returned to its original state, the only sound your pen scratching on paper, it feels better not to listen to the sound of my own voice

You looked up after a while your eyes boring into mine, I looked away from your intense gaze

Finally you spoke, quietly and coldly with that lilting voice

"I disagree, fear isn't stopping you from taking flight, but your will to fight and that is strength personified

I see you as moondust and starburst, an intricate mix of darkness and light

Each side fighting to rule, creating a delicate balance

To you it may seem as though the darkness has won, but keep in mind

Living in the shadows only makes you more luminous "

Watching you leave I smile a bit, your calming words Washing over me

But then again that's why I chose you, I whisper even though I know you can't hear, till next time....

Midnight Calls

2020-05-17T15:54:00.001-07:00

You called me again last night, your voice light and slightly aloof using that gentle tone you always do

I answered in a daze listening to your throaty chuckles and staring absently at the clock above the wall

Rubbing my eyes as the haze of sleep cleared, it was a little past midnight

Turning softly I turned on the lamp, the dim light filling the space in my bedroom

Hugging my pillow tightly I asked how your day went my voice thick with the remnants of sleep

Clearing my throat I listened to your vague answers and cryptic responses

My chest tightened, I called out your name and you went quiet, the silence filled with the sound of your breathing

It was harsh and hurried like you were suppressing a sob but failing and my hands gripped the phone tighter

I wanted wrap my hands around you and wipe away your tears but I couldn't

So I whispered the words I thought you needed to hear "I'm here"

You snorted out a laugh sounding breathy and tired and said you wished I was

Ignoring the stinging at the back of my eyes I listened to you change the subject while I was stuck on how sad it was to hear you cry

Running to your side kept flashing through my mind but I knew I couldn't

You knew how I felt, knew how helpless I was when it came to matters concerning you

You knew but you left and that was okay, until you stopped sleeping and started calling at ungodly hours with tears in your eyes

I wanted to yell at you to come back, to admit you'd made the wrong choice all those years ago and just come home but I know you and your pride so I didn't

Quietly I asked if you were happy instead

Snorting i listened to you speak superfluous words without a hint of truth and glared at the carpet, pulling out threads from my blanket

Trailing off, you stopped talking and the silence grew poignant punctuated by static

Rubbing my face in frustration, I gritted my teeth and whispered tears threatening to fall "won't you please come h-home" my voice cracking a little at the end

You didn't respond

I regretted immediately

I heard a muffled whimper and shuffling on your end and went to speak again, to take it back but was greeted with the dial tone

Wiping my tears, my fingers shaking I cursed my impatience

I knew I'd scared you off, poked a little too hard at your bruised ego

I just wanted you where I could see you, not to validate your delusions on having failed at life

But to bring back your smile and make you as happy as you've always made me

Sighing, I switched of the lights plunging the room into darkness and stared hard at the ceiling listening to the whirring of the fan, sleep the last thing on my mind

Cradling the phone in my hand hoping you'd at least call again tomorrow at midnight

I won't say a word this time

Even if it kills me to just sit quietly and listen to you cry

To the broken boy I still love

2020-04-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Walking into the dark room, my heart constricted and I clenched my fist as I took in the sight

You were sitting in a daze again, on your favourite spot on the sofa a pencil behind your ear, unmoving almost static

The way your eyes glazes over and your chest barely undulates, inanimate like a painting

Slowly I stride purposefully towards you, I want to yell at you to snap out of it, to be here with me, in the present

You looked at me then, your earthy brown eyes darker, bottomless and deep filled with sorrow and despair

Running your hands through your hair as you let out a breath, holding out your arms to me

I want to throw myself into your arms and break down and cry at the unfairness of it all

But instead I hold you even though I'm breaking apart too and can't seem to find all my missing pieces

Whispering quietly in your ears as you grip me even tighter, anchoring me to you

Will there come a day when everything would be more than OK?

Not good or fine, but a day when we'd bask in the magnificence of pure happiness?

We'd live and breathe strength, existing in our own tangible joys

Listening to the sound of rain drops and reading good books, enveloped in comfort

Enjoying each day without regret or guilt, truly living

Will there come a day when we'd never have to worry, just taking things casually?

Pressing your forehead against mine your thumb wiping way the tear tracks on my cheeks, you laughed

The sound was empty and hollow sounding louder in the empty room punctuated only by our ragged breaths

Hooking your fingers at the back of my head you spoke sofly, I cried harder it had been weeks since I'd heard your voice

You said

I'd like a day without dark clouds hovering over me and nothing on my mind

I hate this feeling in my chest threatening to suffocate me

Exhaustion chasing at my coat tails even after hours of rest, longing for what could have been

Engulfed in the emptiness of my reality, chasing the solace of my dreams

Could you promise me those days?

I'll never ask for anything more but this, light a fire at the end of this tunnel

So it's flames could set ablaze the embers of hope in my heart until it becomes a beacon to guide my way to those magical days

You finished, eyes red and filled with stubborn tears refusing to fall

Hugging you close my fingers embedding into the skin of your back, I shuddered at the raw pain in your being

I'd do it, give you those days no matter what

I know what it's like to loose everything because I loose you a bit more each day, my everything

So I'd give you what you want

Even if my heart is to be the flint and tinder to burn a path for you to those better days

Dreams

2020-02-24T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'm startled awake again, the moon high in the sky glows brilliantly, the night silent

You've snuck into my dreams again, the main character of my greatest desires

You twirled me around and held me against your chest chuckling, I could feel the vibrations running through me

The rhythm of your heart beat mirroring mine, safely ensconced in the strength of your arms

We laughed and played and existed within our own world, it was magic

We were magic, your sweet whispers in my ears and us experiencing every moment

I was enthralled by you, your every word and action engraved on the walls of my mind

Your name in black smeared across my heart, you taught me the best way to experience life

Silently observing and soaking up all the color in the world, living between those vivid hues

You were mine, my entire world existing solely within a human

Because of you I lived instead of survived

And now waking up at 3am, alone, tears running down my face and cold air freezing my extremeties

My knees pulled up and my back against the headboard grasping an anchor in this storm of emotions

Your face and your laugh running through my mind, your voice guiding me to find calm

You left me behind taking away all the warmth, leaving my life a cold dull grey

You ruined me for the world, I lost myself in you but you're not here, how do I find the missing parts of me?

I'm tired of seeing you only when i close my eyes and touching you while asleep but don't ever want to stop

I'm scared I might not remember the sound of your voice, I'm frightened that i might forget you

So I look forward to seeing you every night before I fall asleep

My dreams are where I get to love you without fear and without end

My Girl

2020-01-21T13:17:00.000-08:00

I know of a girl whose eyes hold a multitude of secrets

If you ask her she'd smile and whisper that it's the memories of a past life

Sometimes I'd see tear tracks on her cheeks but a smile tugging at the corners of her lips

I could never figure out what she's thinking

She's shrouded in loneliness but surrounded on all sides like a rose in a glass case left behind in a greenhouse

Grace personified, she wore her pain like armour against the many storms of life

She was always so tragic yet beautiful all at the same time

I could never understand her

Dancing under the rain with reckless abandon laughing with scorn at everything under heaven

Her mass of auburn curls curling around her temple her teeth chattering from the cold winds, eyes ablaze

I knew life was never fair but to her it was like the universe had a vandetta

She sacrificed everything for deep love but cried her self to sleep at night

It was never worth it and the consequences tore her heart apart

Yet she always shows a smile, beatific and warm but hides who she is in the dark

Sometimes I wish I could grab her by the shoulders and yell at her to cry

To destroy that strong facade and hold her in my arms

To purge her soul of every memory that streaked across it making her weary, snuffing out her light

If i could I'd shield her from every struggle and protect her with all my might

I'd wade war with her ghosts, swallow her pain and show her how it feels to be loved again

I know of a girl who takes residence in all the corners of my heart

And has made a home in the recesses of my mind

Existence

2020-01-17T23:51:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder what exists beyond the edge of the universe?

After light comes the darkness then what next?

Does the unfettered souls of the past roam there?

Or is it the resting place of the monsters from our worst nightmares?

Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be lost in that void

Existing but barely alive following rules of my own making

I'd be the king of all the emptiness revelling in the silence and forgotten in the solitude

Bound to nothing but my own will, time a forgotten illusion

Listening to the voices in my head, carving out my name in the sun and hanging on the moon for fun

Dining with my demons at night and clinging to my angels at daybreak

Never looking back to the past or into the future but firmly rooted in the present

I'd be truly free

Living but not really alive,suspended from reality existing in that plane between life and death

Teetering on the edge of good and evil like a soul who lost its way

Wading through the shadows as the light reflects the darkness, a creature of both a Saint and a devil

I'd draw energy from the nothingness and destroy the memories from the past

Existing as a blank canvas stained black

Starting again the entire universe my oyster, it would be a great feat

And I'd revel in the power that comes with it clearing out the shadows in my mind

Purging out the fear in my heart, no longer constrained by the laws of society

An ignoble entity made entirely of choices good and bad for which there'd be no consequences

How great will it be if I could really exist as a figment of my own imagination

I'd wrap my loneliness around my shoulders and make it strength forfeiting the pain that permeates my every word and action.

Becoming hers

2019-07-19T09:54:00.001-07:00

It was a boring day in class, mostly empty with students filing out on one side
The sunlight streaming in through the windows warming my face
I smiled
Then I heard a calm clear voice from behind me whisper "you're pretty"
I turned to answer, trying my best to reign in the awkwardness
Then she looked directly into my eyes and said again " you're so pretty"
I didn't know how to react
My brain was working a mile a minute trying to decipher the hidden barb or malicious intent
While she stared at me, amusement across her face
I was tongue tied, I admit I never really get moments like this
When my Brain is completely static and I can't form a coherent response
So I blurted whatever came to mind
Why?
She laughed like I'd told her a funny joke
I was uncomfortable under her gaze, made me feel a little less hidden and a little bit small
She didn't respond
So I turned away but I heard her softly say
"because you don't even know it"
My breath caught in my throat
I couldn't understand what the hell was wrong with me
For no rhyme or reason, why indulge in flattery
What's her reason for doing this?
Suddenly I heard laughter behind me, she was laughing so hard pearl like tears gathered at the corner of her eyes
They glistened under the weak glow of the classrooms overhead lights
Then I realised I had been biting my lips so hard and squeezing my notes
I turned away fast and bore holes through the white board with my eyes
I heard the chair squeek from behind me and slow determined footsteps approach my seat
My heart thudded so hard
Within seconds she was in front of me, with her curly hair messily framing her soft smooth face
Her mouth raised up into a smirk as she stared at me like a predator does a prey
It was all wrong but my heart still felt the tremors of excitement
Raising up her hood she leaned down her actions so fluid and handsome, until her face was a few inches from mine
My heart literally stopped, then restarted again
I managed to squeeze out a what are you doing, stunned when I heard the squeaky sound of my own voice
She grinned then, it reminded me of a wolf just before devouring a bunny
Moving my head away to make some apace between us, she raised her slender fingers caressing my face then gripping my chin
My face buzzed where she touched, she ran a finger across my lips and licked hers
Then she leaned in her breath hot on my ears and said, her voice clear like rushing spring water
"Pretty prince, how about becoming mine? "
I blanched, she was everywhere invading all my senses even the pores of my skin, I couldn't retort
Laughing softly, she tilted her head like she'd thought of something
A strange look crossed her eyes as she closed the distance between us, her soft lips pressed against mine
I gasped, and with that she forced her tongue in my mouth
I heard her groan as I tried to understand what was happening
She stopped and moved away, my face felt hot
Rubbing her thumb against my swollen lips she smirked, pressed hers against it again and murmured
Now you're mine.......

Hi.....

2019-06-13T13:42:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been learning new things about myself
Some good some bad but new nonetheless
Like how much I love the rain but I'm sensitive to cold
And how I think to buy ice cream when I'm sad even though I'm a yoghurt person
How I can't look in the mirror for too long cause I'm scared of what I'll see
How my depression is one part sad one part tired completely engulfing me
How I've never been comfortable in my own skin
Sometimes I think I don't know who I am
But other times I'm so certain of my kind of person
I'm taciturn and anti social and I love the peace of my own space
I exist in a suspended plane with my soul and my body never in concert
I second guess myself and overthink
But everyone thinks I'm confident
I smile alot to hide the sadness in my eyes but it still leaks out sometimes
So I hide in my own corner so I don't have to put on anymore masks
I'm afraid of the voices in my head but I'm more afraid of the silence
If they aren't there then I'd have to seek comfort in myself
How would I ever begin
I'm young but also old sitting on the edge of my youth
Scarred from my past and worried about my future
My favourite memory is being on the beach and walking into the sea the waves lapping at my feet
There's an unspeakable freedom that comes with being at the point where two different worlds meet
I'm not sure what I want all of the time but I'm sure of what I need
And that's peace.

Save me

2019-06-02T13:29:00.001-07:00

When life looses its meaning
Being alive is a chore
Remembering to breathe and existing behind a mask
Those little moments of youthful exuberance
Those long nights of endless gossip and empty beer cans
The times spent ensconced within his arms
They're long gone but take root in the back of my mind
I want to go back
To fight for what once was and be happy again
I'm scared
That this loneliness will suffocate me
When that happens I won't be able to return
The pain shattering reality leaving me in a haze
Can't you take me away?
Is it hard?
I only want to live
I want to breathe and laugh and love
Am I truly asking for too much?
Well I get it, I deserve this right?
I know
But I'm still begging you
Till my throat hurts and my eyes sting
Please save me

MY advice......

2019-03-23T14:48:00.001-07:00

I've learned a new skill-namely, to remain unchanging when encountering all changes
No matter what moves you make, I will not move
This is the best plan
For times the winds and the storms of life chase after me
Like an oasis in the wilderness, calm and still
Never unsettled always serene like a picturesque painting
Virtuous on the outside cunning on the inside
In this selfish world one must remember to love oneself first!
And to repay good with good and evil with a lofty gaze and indolent eyes
Never correcting baseless rumours but retreating even further for the truth always comes out in the end
But above all one must not falter or be shaken
Because the world is full of enemies disguised and hidden
Waiting for that slip up, that slight crack in your armour
To unsheath their blade and end your reign
So arm yourself with laughter and mirth but be wise and calculating
Be lazy and mind only your own matters but be swift to take action, vicious and unwavering
You must learn to deflect prying eyes with skill of tongue equipped with sarcasm but have depth of mind
For the heart of man is full of wiles and wickedness and we are all bound to deal with man
We cannot escape so we must prevail
In order to have leisurely days put this things I've spoken in heart and mind
And remember you are that calm before the storm
Silent but deadly.

Almost girl

2019-01-22T04:06:00.001-08:00

Look at her, in the corner of the room
With the heart shaped mouth and doe like eyes, pretty features that just don't quite fit
Glass of whiskey in hand, swaying on the heels of her shoes
Her dress with a tiny rip in it's side, but a beautiful shade of blue
She learnt enough to get by but never enough to stand out
She loved with caution, in fear of getting burned
Leaning against the wall, I watch as she twirls the glass in her hands, gaze transfixed to the Amber liquid
If you look closely at her you'll notice the smudged stains underneath her eyes
And if you watched long enough you'd see the flashes of insecurity admist her elegance and grace
I call her the almost girl
Almost beautiful
Almost smart
Almost brave
Walking on the stage to give a toast my eyes still fixed on her
I rose my glass to unfinished journeys and all our lives almost moments
Looking up I searched for her but couldn't see her
Stepping of the stage and back into the shadows of the ball room I see her again
Stretched out against the wall, glass in hand
Tears filled her eyes as she sipped from her drink crying, well almost
Soon enough the fireworks were lit and with the explosion of colours came a burst of light
Chasing away my almost girl from my line of sight.

Finally

2018-12-31T02:30:00.001-08:00

It's a couple of hours till midnight
A little while before I take a step into the next year of my life
Like everyone else I lay on my bed taking stock of the last 12 months
It's been unjust and cruel, riddled with anxiety and grief of loss
And even though its seemed like the pain will never ebb and tears never dry
I'm here I made it till the end, I survived
A little darker, a little more cynical
A little less happy but still alive
When I close my eyes I see the motion pictures dance across my eyelids
My own memories a plague, a means to torture me
How sorry I am to all the faultless casualties
The regrets are piled up on each side of my heart
Snuffing out any hope except to keep living till I breathe my last
I've learnt alot of lessons, some necessary some not
Like life never goes as planned and even the good die young
And now my soul is riddled with scars
I hate what my life has become
With an intense passion that leaves me empty and aching
With only one thought floating reminding me to just breathe
To close my eyes when it gets too much and not see
And loose myself in the infinite possibilities of my dreams
So tonight I'll sweep up the pieces my tears the strongest glue
Going forward with no attempt at creating resolutions
But enduring my life and my present situation
So when the clock strikes 12 no spell is casted or broken
It's just me and 12 more months to remember to breathe

Acropolis

2018-12-31T02:05:00.001-08:00

There exists a place crafted from my dreams
With endless stone steps and a view that overlooks the entire city
A peaceful place of tranquility and the majesty of God's creation
Where the wind blows softly and coolly like a lovers caress
And the feeling of being alone yet never lonely wraps around you like a blanket
It's a home atop the hills
A refuge for the weirdos and the self acclaimed freaks
It's willow tree provides enough shade for you and me
Sitting here with you, gazing up at the stars and stealing glances of you from the corner of my eyes
I want to freeze everything and be in this moment for the end of time
As you trail wet kisses across my jawline
I shiver and completely forget you were never mine
And as our hands roam and ignites a burning fire
I cling on to you as the tree dances and the wind whistles stoking the glowing embers
Coming apart my face flushed and lips swollen staring at your sparkling eyes
I give a sad smile, knowing the magic will end at midnight
Looking around as the breeze blows the fallen leaves across the ground
I close my eyes and try to capture this moment, the view, the smell and your strong arms wrapped around mine
I think I found another place, that soothes my heart
Just like magnificence of the waves crashing on the shoreline
Or the pitter patter of rain on zinc sheets and the smell of a good book
It wraps around me and puts a balm on my injuries
Cleansing me from within
I hope you don't mind
That I intend on stealing this place and making it mine
But I know the memories of tonight will linger in the air and trapped in the earth
Making a home forever in the depths of my mind

To the only boy I've ever loved....

2018-12-21T23:12:00.001-08:00

Can I tell you a story
About a boy so complex and beautiful, a true contradiction
His eyes were the colour of the earth, a murky dark brown
They held a quiet intensity that reeled you in
His voice like spun silk coaxing you into his arms
I remember the first time I heard him laugh
That moment permanently seared into my mind
It was just us that night, sitting under the stars after the class had dispersed
His quiet gaze following me till I tripped over a fallen branch
Then I heard it, a loud booming sound coming from behind me
Turning around I saw him, hands clutching his middle, eyes sparkling with unbridled amusement
I felt the tears pool in my eyes and my throat tighten with embarrassment
He walked up to me and took my hand, dusting me off and whispering how he's got me
I looked up at him heart in my mouth as he brushed away my tears his lips still twitching with surpressed laughter
Groaning I buried my head on his chest, he laughed again and I felt the vibrations flow through me
Regaining my composure I moved to leave
Looking at me with those accursed eyes of his he said stay with me
And like a fool i did, I still couldn't believe I was in the same space as him
Walking back we laid down our backs against the grass
He told me about the constellations and laughed at me as I counted the stars
He showed me his drawings and smirked when I gasped and my jaw went slack
We spoke about ancient times, gods, Kings and religion
As the moon cast an eerie glow around him his skin glowed bronze
I thought to myself the stupidest smile on my face I must be dreaming
And like everything in life the night came to an end and the magic with it
For with the morning came bad news and pain
There'd been an accident, he was fine but It felt like I was going insane
He'd lost sensation in his hands and the meaning to life
Living in isolation, a tragic aura engulfing him
Walking in on him one night, asleep papers strewn across with unfinished works and streaks of tears on his face
A beautifully controlled chaos, a broken mess
I wanted to close my eyes, absorb your pain and make you okay again
But instead I'll leave you this note, my heart folded into its corners
I want to shield you from the world and endure your storms
But not because you're not strong enough
Because my heart hurts to see you struggle so much
Before I sign off I think you should know
You remind me of the sun, you hide away
But always come back even more magestic than before

Siren

2018-12-08T13:16:00.001-08:00

She had no luck in life
Everything she ever had she lost and always without a fight
Time was against her
Sacrifice her constant companion
Her pain a jagged white line piercing through her blackened soul
Everyday she would get up and remind herself to breathe
She had stopped living a long time ago she just had to survive
Nothing ever went as planned
She thought the universe had connived against her
It changed her completely
She'd rather listen more than speak
Trapping everything within
Forgetting that life was meant to be lived
Unapologetically and freely so
She reminded me of a beautifully controlled chaos
Majestic and tragic at the same damn time
She smiled like she cried, carelessly and with abandon
I never knew what to say in both instances
Completely entranced by her
The darkness she carried threatened to choke me
I wasn't detered , I wanted to love and protect
Sitting here now I think of my life's greatest flaw
Her image jumps into my mind, hair flying in the wind, rain whipping about her face
Hands spread apart inhaling petrichor
Closing my mind I tried to hold her there frozen in place
But as always the memory fades away
And soon after comes the pain
Loosing my heart to her would forever be my biggest mistake
Pinching the bridge of my nose I chuckle softly
I wish someone had told me
The little girl at my feet looked up at me " what was that papa" she said softly
Staring into those familiar mysterious brown eyes I picked her up
" I wish someone had told me poppet, not to love a broken girl "
And with that I enveloped her tiny self and buried my nose in her hair
The image jumped in to my mind again
And I felt the lump that formed in my heart from thinking about her loosen
And the air trapped in my lungs for years rush out in a single swift breath

Prelude

2018-12-02T04:26:00.001-08:00

You'd think I'd be over it by now
Fighting back hot tears threatening to spill out
Worrying, looking back, living in what ifs and had I knowns
My heart is completely broken
My dreams pierced it in two then reality shattered it
Was this something I deserved?
What sin am I being punished for committing
Did I think to big?
Was my patience too thin?
Tell me? Are you even listening?
Can't you feel the pain permeating thru my entire being
What is the meaning of this suffering
I don't want to do this anymore
Betrayed and let down
I don't have a choice but to go on
I'm dying inside
My light completely snuffed out
I've forgotten what it means to be happy
Pretended to be fine for so long, laughed at myself for so long
Can't seem to find my way back to who I was
Longing for everything I've lost
When will it stop
The memories constantly reminding me what I gave up
What if I can't do it again this time
What if I'm burnt out and can't succeed
What then becomes of me?
Can you see my fears? Can you taste my grief?
Bitter and salty like the girl I've become
Loneliness my new found companion, crashing on my mind like waves on the shores of my life
I'm completely alone
No one understands
The blood sweat and tears it took to get this far
Completely for nothing
My smile fake, laughter empty, appetite fully suppressed
They say life is just a prelude for death
Well congratulations to me I've begun to die
Ever so slowly, the bitterness eating at my core
Turning me inside out making me crave to end it all

Mourning

2018-11-28T02:22:00.001-08:00

I can't cry enough
For everything important I've lost
The sobs can't come any faster
The pain like a white hot piercing light severing my already broken heart
I'm a girl of no resolve
I can't be consoled or managed or cajoled
I'm spiralling in a world of hurt that can't be stopped
The world screaming to suck it up and look forward
How can I see when I've been moved 2 steps backward
I grieve for my time lost
Like a dead friend I'm constantly reminded of it's absence
And yet I'm given no time to grieve
It creeps into my thoughts and settles in my dreams
Makes me want to drift and never awaken
Am strong enough to make it ?
My soul is cloaked in darkness
My vision tunnel, I'm fighting hard but nothing can change my fate
I'm locked in despair
Can I really start again from here?

Flames

2018-10-24T11:46:00.001-07:00

I walked on an empty street tonight
Headphones on music blaring as I studied the flickering streetlights
The world faded as I stood under it's fiery rays
I closed my eyes and imagined your face
Your bright eyes lit with humour, your hair a thick forest
I want to reach out and touch You, but I hold back in fear
That you'll fade away and disappear
So I kept trying to remember your laugh, these days I forget
The sound of a cars horn pierces through and you're gone
My heart falls to the pit of my stomach as I call out your name frantically, my vision blurred
Choking back tears, I forced my limbs to move foward
Kicking a pebble I let the tears fall and the sadness engulf me
My heart beating hard against my chest begging to be free
So I walked the ten more steps to the house and sat
Waiting in somber anticipation for our long awaited reunion
If I breathe in on my skin hard enough sometimes I smelled you
You invaded my life my senses and even the pores of my skin
And then like the wind you left leaving no trace behind you except the smell of burning paper
Sometimes I close my eyes and the flames jump from behind them licking at my feet
Calling out to me, drawing me in
I tried to fight it I really did
But those pretty blue and red colours danced in my mind and poisoned my heart
Stepping into the house , my eyes finding the pile of your books and ledgers
The same ones that robbed me of you
Gritting my teeth in determination I set to work
After a few minutes I was done, novels and biographies wrapped around me
Releasing a single tear as the degree hit Fahrenheit 451
With shaky arms I lit the match and as the smell of burning paper wafted through the house
I smiled because in a few moments I'd be back in your arms.

The best things

2018-10-14T04:02:00.003-07:00

The best things in life are free
Like curling up with a good book listening to the sound of rain
Feeling those tiny droplets on your face
And inhaling the sweet scent of the earth
Like telling jokes and laughing with friends under the moonlight
Dancing barefoot around campfires with youth brimming in your eyes
And taking walks by the beach, hand in hand hearts on sleeves
Adrenaline coursing through your veins as a result of being young and free
Living life diligently and letting your self fall freely
To the twist and turns of life
The illusions and enigmas that fill your path
The machinations of fate that leads you astray
From your defined course to your destiny.

One of those days.....

2018-08-14T13:44:00.001-07:00

Today feels like one of those days
Those days that makes you feel like a grain of sand on the beach
Completely worthless
My skin itches to be carved, my mind screams
Nothing happens though, my feelings are a riot
But my body remains calm
like the sea before a storm I think
But that storm never comes
Leaving me feeling numb
Unable to think, impossible to function
Waiting, just waiting
For the chaos to be unleashed from my soul
To wreak havoc, and engulf this pain in flames
But I know I'm waiting in vain
So I lay in the darkness, counting sheep and taking deep breaths
listening to sad music with deep lyrics that make me feel nothing
Because those are the authors feelings, those words reflects their pain
So how can i expect them to to encapsulate my complex myriad of emotions
I don't want to, but I do
I listen in hopes I see flashes of my pain
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't
I didn't today though, so I'm a little hurt
Smiling now because finally I feel something
I want to laugh, I'm definitely certifiable
A highly functioning sociopath
I don't want for much except for this cycle to stop
Till then I'll wish for something easier
Can today just end?.....