Amuse-Biatch

Previews: After Tackling Gay Marriage Last Week, Top Chef Tackles the Issue of Gays (Including Seemingly Angry Lesbians) in the Military

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 15:59:00 +0000

Next week’s episode, entitled “Nature vs. Nurture,” will take on the issue of gay adoptions by allowing certain cheftestants to “adopt” another cheftestant’s Elimination Challenge dish, with the judges determining whether the results are “confused” or whether the seasoning is “well-adjusted.” Rosie O’Donnell will be the guest judge.

The following week’s episode, entitled “Three’s a Crowd-Pleaser,” takes up gay monogamy. Cheftestants will cook in teams of two, with some having the option of “opening” up their team to another cheftestant from a past season. Watch the fun as a past season cheftestant bonds with a current season cheftestant and the two put the remaining original teammate up for elimination. Eric “McSteamy” Dane and Rebecca Gayheart will be the special guest judges. (Our onset spy related that Padma and Rebecca would constantly sneak away during filming, and when they returned to film the tasting scenes, they consumed all the food on the table, as well as the camera plates.)

Amuse-Biatch and the Exuberantly Accusatory Quiescently Frozen Treat

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:47:00 +0000

We hailed, and we waited, and waited, and waited, and when the paleta vendor finally arrived, he claimed that the only paleta de leche left was this one.

“A likely story,” we harrumphed.

So, possums, what say ye? One of those little literary coincidences that flesh is heir to? Knowing accusation? Joyous exhortation in anticipation of National Coming Out Day? Or future personal motto? Possums, you decide.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Contemplates the Spillage of Golden Seed

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:32:00 +0000

Not a Damned Thing About Eve

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Eve, Eve, little Miss Eve….

Oh, whom are we kidding, possums? Even channeling Miss Bette Davis, we just don’t have it in us to be cruel about the fact that Eve Aronoff was pykagged. Not even the thought of her grating accent and her klutziness can rouse us to cruelty; it would be like kicking a cat. That must mean we have some shred of conscience, empathy, humanity left, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?

Bottom line: she had no business being on Top Chef. Her true place is back in dear Ann Arbor, or as a minor character in a Woody Allen film, one of the funny ones. That Eve should be sent home on a “Battle of the Sexes” episode where the women lose is just a touch too right.

Amuse-Biatch Tries to Keep Abreast of Gail Simmons News: Oh Google What Hast Thou Wrought?

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 22:12:00 +0000

Amuse-Biatch Homosexual Wednesday: Raggaydy Andy Cohen Takes Signature Sockless Look to a New Level, Uses Mattin Noblia's Clothing as Towel

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:16:00 +0000

Previews: Self-Regarding Asshole Alert (Todd English Is Back); Cheftestants Go Topless

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:13:00 +0000

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Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Mike Isabella Reveals Himself as the Lon Cheney, Sr., De Nos Jours

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:35:00 +0000

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Quaker Oats Announces Updated Aunt Jemima Campaign--She's Now White, Young, Tattooed and Pierced

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:05:00 +0000

The Fabio Viviani Top Chef Audition Video; Warning: Many “Beat Your Meat” Jokes Within

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:01:00 +0000

Eve Aronoff Just as Much of a Klutz as Her Voice and First-Episode Performance Would Suggest

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:26:00 +0000

From an interview with The Detroit News:

I understand you were on crutches for the first part of the filming. What happened?
It was a little hectic, I had broken my foot the day before so I was in a boot, and then my father had to go into the hospital. Then I cut my finger packing my knives, and I missed my flight because the airline didn't have my reservation.

Were you nervous about being on the show?
I'm really a free spirit, so I didn't have a problem adapting. The show is created to simulate reality, but there were times it was hard to be in the moment.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Shows Us the Jewels of Denial

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 07:30:00 +0000

À la Recherche du Lundi Hétéro Perdu: Proustian Padma Lakshmi Tries to Turn La Puente, California, Into Combray by Way of Dazed and Confused

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 07:29:00 +0000

Why We Hate Héctor Santiago

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 07:58:00 +0000

Becos he esteels hour won-lioners beefor we haf a chanz to post dem.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Renée Zellweger Does Her Best Popeye Impression

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 07:14:00 +0000

Amuse-Biatch Exclusive: Ron Duprat Had Earlier Career in Television; Do You Care? Of Course You Do

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 02:47:00 +0000

In Fond Memory of Richard Sweeney: “Don’t forget to suck the head; it’s where the best part is”

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Bravo Editors and the Art of the Reaction Shot

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:45:00 +0000

Amuse-Biatch Gallery of Bad Jews

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 17:04:00 +0000

Lest you think, possums, that this is a reference to Inglourious Basterds, we hasten to add that this is taken from Robin Leventhal’s statement, “Well, I’m a bad Jew, and pork would be my vice.” Bad Jews are, of course, our favorites. (In our youth, we had a Jewish boyfriend—uh, same-sex boyfriend, as Ash Fulk would put it—whose preferred Saturday morning breakfast item was a little sliced turkey with a lot of bacon on a bagel. Eating it in bed (1) on the Sabbath (2) with a Catholic (3) of the same sex made it a treyf trifecta plus two, but we digress.)

Speaking of which, didn’t you love it when, after Robin’s pronouncement, those sly Bravo editors cut to the chercest of the Chosen, the Lioness of the tribe of Judah, Ms. Gail Simmons herself? Gail, fresh from bathing in Michael Chiarello’s mushroom polenta on Top Chef Masters, tossed her head ever so slightly and laughed her “Song of Solomon”-inspiring, Wong Kar Wai-esque version of Anita Ekberg’s Trevi-fountained laughter in La Dolce Vita…uh, excuse us, possums, while we remind ourselves that we are gay.

So, without further ado, here are the shocking pictures of Eli Kirshtein promoting bacon and handling shrimp.

Amuse-Biatch Armchair Psychology: A Further Excavation of the Possible Roots of Mike Isabella’s Misogyny

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 15:47:00 +0000

And the evidence just keeps adding up, possums. In the above video interview with Bella, he recounts his origin story:

“I grew up as a young kid in an Italian family, and, uh, my grandma was cooking, and, you know, when you grow up in a really Italian family, what you see is all the women cooking and stuff like that, but I always loved being in the kitchen.”

Ach so! Let’s play Dr. Melfi for a second, shall we? So, as a result of his New Jersey Italian background, he views cooking as an exclusively feminine domain, but one in which he loved to immerse himself, thus setting up the conflict and anxiety around the issue of his masculinity, the castration anxiety arising from the warm and womb-like kitchen itself. Indeed, he was complicit, for as he details, he used to help prepare the “gravy,” or red tomato sauce. And what could be more symbolic of castration and emasculation, in these culinary terms, than the crushing of those round, testicular tomatoes to make a sauce that will be poured over those phallic spaghetti, which go from being hard and long to being broken for immersion in the pot, from which they emerge soft and floppy?

So of course having this Seveech woman in the kitchen, going head to head with him, brought back these issues. (It might be beneath us to point out the too-perfect-for-words symbolism of the fact that they were competing in shucking, um, clams. You couldn’t write this stuff. Also, we wonder if he has any women working in his kitchen; if anyone knows, do drop us a line. Oh yeah, does he have a girlfriend? This, too, would be fascinating to know.)

It’s all there, possums—his association of cooking with femininity and castration, his memory of having a bar of soap stuffed in his mouth, his view of older women as castrating harpies or Venus flytraps, his attempts to butch up the kitchen, his penchant for those Ed Hardy shirts sported by Jon Gosselin (the poster boy for the castrated male trying to reassert his masculinity in hateful ways).

Makes sense to us. Bella, please get help.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: We Thought It Was the Other Gyllenhaal Sibling Who Was Supposedly Gay

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Top Chef Shocker: Padma Lakshmi Will Pose Nude at the Drop of a Hat, But Draws the Line at Wearing a Showgirl Costume

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Mike Isabella: Eve Aronoff Is “This Nice Little Woman, Coming from Michigan, or Something Like That…Whuh? Is There Food in Michigan?”

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:47:00 +0000

Amuse-Biatch Pages Dr. Freud to Treat Mike Isabella's Fear of Vagina Dentata

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:28:00 +0000

Possums, we had earlier theorized that a hate-fuck involving Bella and Seveech was possible. But watching this video, it looks like they might well soon make out in a Camaro parked off the Leah and Hosea Memorial Lovers’ Lane somewhere in Northern New Jersey.

But we were unprepared (and yet boundlessly delighted) to have our cheap Freudian theories further reinforced, as it were, out of the horse-ass’s mouth.

Seveech says that Robin “One Less Old Lady” Leventhal is in the hot tub in the boys’ room, and Bella jumps in, complete with hand gestures, to say that the “old lady” is lying in wait for the boys, “She’s gonna eat ‘em up, like a Venus flytrap.”

!?!?!?!?!

Wow, just wow. Who needs a DSM-IV when they make it so easy for you? Seriously, possums. You ask for vagina dentata, you get Venus flytrap. Oy, Sigmund, what are we to do?

We need health care reform, if only so that this jackass can get help.

Top Chef “Yes, We Have No Bananas” Shocker: Lesbian Falls into Semiotic Trap!

noreply@blogger.com (Charlus) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:52:00 +0000

Who, you? Yes, you.

It’s no use looking shocked and sheepish. You’ve been found out. How, Preeti, possum, how do you fall into these semiotic traps?

First came the encounter with the Sorting Hat at the start of the Quickfire Challenge, in which you showed the world just how lucky and satisfied your girlfriend—pardon us, your “lady”—must be.

Even your fellow member of this season’s Team Rainbow, who ought to know a thing or two about AshFulk-ing, looks impressed with your technique, the just-so curve of the hand.

Then came the Quickfire Challenge itself, during which you repeatedly admitted that you’d never opened a clam before, which prompted us to yell at the television, “Go on, pull the other one. It’s got bells on it.”

But it wasn’t until we reviewed the premiere episode carefully that we noticed how you’d slipped on a metaphorical banana peel and fallen into the biggest lesbian semiotic trap of all.

Oh, possum, how could you? Didn’t you know that there are cameras everywhere, and that those horrible, basement-dwelling bloggers, who suffer from dirty minds and compulsive screencapping, would be ever at the ready? On the other hand, it was your first day on the show, indeed your first hour, so we’ll cut you a little slack.