Amusing Diversions

An ode to English Plural

2011-02-26T09:43:00.000Z

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Aunty Shirley

2011-02-18T16:48:00.000Z

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.
She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

A Haircut

2011-02-08T18:36:00.000Z

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Surgeons

2011-01-29T18:50:00.000Z

#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "

#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "
#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over. "

#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the ass are interchangeable. "

The Ambidextrous Golfer

2011-01-26T19:14:00.000Z

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Happy Burns Night

2011-01-25T17:34:00.002Z

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,
He greets one.
The patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'
No, replies the doctor, this is the serious Burns unit.

Floods in Australia

2011-01-21T17:24:00.000Z

Just spoke to a friend in Aus about the floods in Queensland.

She said that since early this morning the floods have been waist deep, it’s belting down and the wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window.... he just stares…..

She says that if it gets much worse she may have to let him in.

Driving Under Influence - Irish Style

2011-01-14T10:42:00.000Z

From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. (Only the Irish could think of this).
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!

Caught

2011-01-14T09:39:00.000Z

A policeman in New South Wales pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written:

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.

Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

”This man is a hemophiliac.

Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"

Hillbillies

2011-01-07T20:15:00.000Z

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Some Facts

2010-12-31T16:11:00.000Z

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heartbeat is faster then a mans.
Women blink 2x as much as men.
We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand.
The women have read this entire text.
The men are still looking at their thumb!

The Future

2010-12-29T21:31:00.000Z

A group of 40 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Rabbit

2010-12-26T17:23:00.000Z

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie.  He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who  are you?', To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.  You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said... *'Mixin-me-toasties.’*

My New Golf Book

2010-12-24T15:52:00.001Z

You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of year’s putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist.
The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience.
The book is only £49.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info.

Highlights include:

   Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
   Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
   Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
   Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
   Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger
   Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
   Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
   Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
   Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
   Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
   Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
   Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
  A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
  A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer
  A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
  A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
  A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
  A Cuban - needs one more revolution
  An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
  A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
  A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
  A Kate Moss - bit thin
  A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
  A Rodney King - over-clubbed
  An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
  A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
  A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
  A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
  An elephant's arse - high and shitty
  A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
  A circus tent - a BIG top
  An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
  A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
  A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target

So What did You Think....?

2010-12-24T15:42:00.000Z

He laid her on the table, so white & clean & bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here & there. He touched her neck & felt her breast, then droolin felt her thigh. The slit was wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... He looked inside, all was dark & murky. He rubbed his hands & stretched his arms... Then STUFFED the Christmas TURKEY!

Spaghetti

2010-12-22T09:22:00.000Z

For several years, an englishman was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife agreed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Cricket - An Explanation

2010-12-16T14:26:00.000Z

It’s the cricket season…In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . .
Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides - one out on the field, and the other in.
Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he's out and then he comes in.
When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in.
Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out.
When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in - that is the end of the game.

Announcement

2010-12-15T18:59:00.000Z

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!" "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Fortune Teller

2010-12-13T19:04:00.000Z

During a shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O'Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".
Visibly shaken, Agnes stared at the woman's lined face, then at the crystal, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

Banking Crises - Word of Warning!

2010-12-10T14:39:00.002Z

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank! And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody w**kers.

Good Old Welsh

2010-12-10T14:35:00.000Z

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in London taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Rotherham , Sheffield Dewsbury, and Pickering. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel down to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived in Cardiff , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son ... it's a local call.'

EU Irish Bailout

2010-12-03T17:28:00.000Z

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the same note.

The hotel proprietor then places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a bailout package works.

Handy Woman

2010-12-03T16:39:00.001Z

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do..

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50, and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!

Fatality

2010-11-30T13:52:00.000Z

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.

Girlfiends

2010-11-26T14:02:00.000Z

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had £6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol. 10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was disabled friendly, and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before!