Amy Chaves' Health and Psychology Corner

Grieving: The Lessons

2011-09-25T20:56:00.003-06:00

Grief doesn't have to be a passive thing that happens to you.
Grief is first and foremost something you do to heal your wounds
after experiencing a terrible loss in your life.

~Bob Deitz, Life After Loss

I have just recently lost my life partner, Deane. We were each other's worlds, and our love shaped the life we shared everyday.

When I met Deane 10 years ago, my heart clicked in the right places. When he died on the night of June 24, 2011, I was broken into pieces: pieces that hurt and agonized, pieces that ached for him, pieces that died with him.

People say that you are lucky if you find your one true love in this world. I consider myself as one of those lucky persons. And although my grief right now is deep and painfully raw, Deane 's love for me and my love for him will carry us through into a place of wholeness and transcendence.

I would like to share with you some lessons I am learning while in the process of grieving, hoping that should you traverse the same path one day, you will see the footprints I left behind.

It is okay to cry. Tears are healing. You accept your pain and your vulnerability when you cry. You embrace the turmoil of your soul when you cry. Crying is an acknowledgement that your world is never going to be the same again.

It is okay to feel as though you're falling apart. The death of your loved one can shock the entire system of your body. You might feel you are dying inside. You can't eat, you can't smell the coffee, you can't see the nice flowers.

It is okay to feel lost and insecure. When someone you love dies, the normality of your life is broken. You feel like a ship without an anchor and without direction. Suddenly, you are made to face one big challenge: How to live without your loved one.

It is okay to slow down. Grieving takes time. There are days when you would just want to curl and cry. There are times when you want to shut your curtains and sit in the dark. There are nights when you cannot sleep and days when you cannot face the morning sun.

It is okay to be distracted and feel out of sorts. You may become forgetful, not focused, even disoriented. You may forget phone numbers and names of some people. You may experience exhaustion, as though you have just gone through a major surgery. There is just too much pain that your mind and body gets out of whack for some time.

It is okay to feel intense emotions. You may feel deep pain and sadness around special occasions: birthdays, anniversaries or Christmases. Some places can trigger vivid memories and some objects owned by your loved one can bring tears. Allow yourself to feel these intense emotions as a way of respecting your grieving self.

It is okay to feel the presence of your loved one. You need not be scared if you sense the presence of your loved one. You might see an image, hear his/her voice, or feel your loved one's touch. It is okay to smell your loved one's scent or see his/her fleeting image. These experiences might be your loved one's way of contacting you to bring you comfort.

It is okay to be afraid. Your world has been thrown out of balance and that can be a terrifying feeling. It's okay to be afraid of the unknown after the death of your loved one. Fear enables you to take control of your safety. Fear makes you bolt your doors at night or to close your windows before going to bed. The feeling of fear, which is natural during the grieving process, can lead you to care for yourself.

It is okay to lose your sense of purpose. Your life's purpose might have been part of your deceased loved one's purpose, too. You might have had dreams and had envisioned what to accomplish together. There was certainty until your loved one's death. Suddenly, your life does not seem to have a purpose anymore. You are left with shattered dreams.

It is okay to accept help from others. You are not alone in your grief. Your friends, relatives and neighbors may have experienced having lost their loved ones, too. They want to comfort you and ease your pain. Accept whatever help they offer, be it a dinner invitation, a walk to a park, or an offer to cut your grass.

Because I'm still grieving, the lessons I have shared with you are the lessons I am going through. I have lost the most wonderful person I have ever met and I will always miss him.

The best way to honor Deane is to continue to live with meaning, aware that he just left ahead and that one day, I will be with him.

Meanwhile, my tears still flow.

Grieving

2011-07-03T16:38:00.001-06:00

Dear Readers:

My beloved husband, Deane McIntyre, died suddenly last June 24, 2011.

I would like to take time off from writing my weekly article as I grieve his passing.

Here is the link to his obituary: http://www.legacy.com/can-calgary/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=152269937

Thank you so much for following my articles.

~Amy

Learning from Shania Twain

2011-06-20T14:18:00.001-06:00

When everything goes without a hitch,

where's the challenge,

the opportunity to find out

what you're made of?

~Shania Twain

One of the many gifts I received on my birthday from my hubby, Deane, is Shania Twain's memoir, From This Moment On (buy it here). I had placed a hold of this book in the Nose Hill Library but there were 373 people before me, and even though there are 18 copies to go around, it would takes months before I can finally read it. I am grateful for Deane's loving thoughtfulness.

I have started reading Shania's book which detailed her early childhood. I am now in Chapter 7, where she described 1978 as the worst year of her life. She just turned 13. Extreme poverty, her parents' constant marital conflicts (which oftentimes turned violent), her mother's severe depression--all this has caused fatigue and stress in what she calls her "dysfunctional home". In this chapter, this young teenager narrated how she helped her mother and younger siblings escape to a shelter for battered women to put an end to the domestic violence in her family home.

Shania Twain, whose real name is Eilleen Twain, is one of five children born into poverty in rural Canada. Her family often didn't have enough food that she sometimes would go without breakfast or without lunch in school. In -25 degree Celsius she would go outside during recess despite wearing only worn-out rubber shoes with plastic bags over her socks to keep her feet dry.

What can we learn from Shania Twain from the first six chapters of her book?

Living a frugal life. Shania never complained about eating goulash (boiled milk poured over broken pieces of dry, white bread and topped with brown sugar) most of the days. Looking back, she saw the benefit of a simple diet with little meat as a better choice to fattening, synthetic, refined foods.

Lesson: To live a frugal life is to live simply. Why buy more than you need?

Being resourceful. Even when Shania's family had enough to eat, they would make food last. Shania learned how to ration food and prepare meals just enough to go around with nothing left over. She was able to make things last and to make something of value from simple things.

Lesson: When you don't have the resources, you can learn to be resourceful, thus empowering you to be more self-sufficient.

Following your dream. At age 7, Shania learned how to tap melodies on a cheap electric keyboard. At age 8, she learned to play the guitar. At age 10, Shania started writing lyrics for songs. Her music became her savior. She began to perform during house parties of relatives. Although she was petrified being on stage, she would muster enough courage to sing. Her dream was to write songs and sing as a back-up singer. Guess what? Aside from being a five-time Grammy Award winner, she is now a best-selling artist in Canada, having sold over 80 million albums worldwide.

Here are a couple of my favorite songs: Forever and For Always and You're Still The One.

Lesson: Find those dreams you have tucked inside you and bring out your best, magical self by going in the direction of your dream. It's a risk but it's worth it.

The power of Shania's book lies in her ability to write about her life in an honest way. In her introduction, she hopes that her life story will serve as a guide or as an inspiration to others who are struggling to find meaning in their life.

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I will continue to read this book and will share what I have learned from it next week.

Until then, leave your comments below.

Have a wonderful week, my dear readers!

Are You An Optimist?

2011-06-13T14:33:00.003-06:00

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity.

An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

~Winston Churchhill

Optimism is about great expectations. We expect our future to be rosy. We expect our relationship to last. We expect the economy to bounce back. We expect our kids to do well in life.

Optimism is a belief about the future, the belief that more good things than bad can be expected (read Breaking Murphy's Law, 2007). And the belief that the future will be much better than the past is known as the optimism bias (read The Optimism Bias by Tali Sharot, 2011).

If it were not for our optimism bias, writes Sharot, we might still be all cave dwellers, still huddled together, dreaming of light, heat, and food.

Optimists, according to a Duke University study, have better career prospects and are more likely to get promoted compared with those who have a pessimistic attitude. Further, researchers at the University of Pittsburg discovered that optimists live longer, healthier lives than pessimists.

How do you know if you are an optimist? Below are some indicators to gauge if you are one, according to Sharot:

You expect your life to turn out better--to be be able to afford that nice house on the hill, to find perfect love, to obtain a high-paying job, to finish your MA or PhD degree, to write that riveting, award-winning novel.

You expect your children to be extraordinarily gifted, you envision yourself as achieving more in life than your peers or former classmates, and you imagine having a long, healthy life.

Even when you experience unfortunate events, you automatically confirm that your misfortune is a blessing in disguise. Losing your job, being diagnosed with cancer, or your marriage ending up in divorce--all these, you believe, may lead to more fulfilling life events, as you look for the silver linings in the storms of your life.

When you encounter difficulties, Tali Sharot comments that your brain seems to possess the philosopher's stone that enables you to turn lead into gold and helps you bounce back to normal levels of well-being. Sharot's research in brain imaging shows that the brain is hard-wired to encode only the positive information. So when you read success stories like Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates, your brain will note the possibility that one day you could also become immensely wealthy and popular.

However, the optimism bias can lead to overly positive assumptions. Thus, you might less likely to get your regular check-up, apply sunscreen, open a savings account, or bring your umbrella on a cloudy day. Too much optimism can bring about unexpected illness, financial hardships, or simply getting wet in the rain.

So if you are an optimist, try not to be overly positive. Get your medical check-up, apply your sunscreen, save money, and yes, bring your umbrella.

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I hope you have learned something important in this week's article.

Leave your comments below.

Have an amazing week, dear readers!

Savoring Life

2011-06-06T13:48:00.000-06:00

Savor life's tiny delights - a crackling fire,

a glorious sunset, a hug from a child,

a walk with a loved one,

a kiss behind the ear.

~ John Anthony

Is life like a blur for you or is it something you savor every moment? Do you bathe yourself in feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, and fear or do you find amazing moments here and there?

The way you experience life can be anything from boredom to ecstasy. Studies show that resilient and happy people look for and focus on the positive aspects of a situation (read Alicia Salzer's Back to Life, 2011).

There are four elements to savoring life, according to Fred B. Bryant and Joseph Veroff (see Savoring: A New Model of Positive Experience). I will summarize them below:

Basking. Sometimes you are too self-conscious in accepting admiration. Yet to savor life, you need to bask at people's congratulations and admiration when something good happens in your life (e.g., graduating from MBA, having a baby on the way, getting a promotion). Soak up the glory and relish being in the limelight once in a while. It is good for your self-esteem and for your happiness quotient.

Thanksgiving. Communicate your gratitude to others by a simple, "Thank You". Only two words but they are a powerful way to acknowledge and appreciate gifts and blessings. Delight in what others have given you, whether it is great or small, material or spiritual. Acknowledge that you have arrived at this point in life because of the contributions you have received from others.

Marveling. Be amazed with life and its wonders, from a child's tiny fingers to the earth's magnificence. Be filled with awe and wonder at the morning sunrise, the smell of coffee, the light rain, the newly-opened flower, the beauty of the human body, the grandeur of the universe, and your being here to experience all these.

Luxuriating. Derive pleasure from sensory experience--the smell of perfume, the sound of your favorite music, the sensual touch of your partner's hand, the taste of mango, the warmth of summer afternoons, the colors of a rainbow. Indulge in some healthy (and ethical) gratification you can afford (e.g.. a spa, a trip to the beauty saloon, a body massage).

Savoring can lead to some great emotions like profound gratitude, passionate tenderness, serenity, contentment. It can be used as a survival skill, a coping mechanism, and an antidote to unhappiness.

To savor, anticipate the good things coming your way, lose yourself in the moment, relax and enjoy the experience.

Learn to be a habitual savorer and squeeze more juice out of pleasurable events.

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Hello, my dear readers! I hope you have learned something good from my article this week that will translate nicely into your life.

As always, don't forget to leave your message below.

Carpe diem!

Redefining Power

2011-05-30T14:46:00.002-06:00

In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy,

strung together with resilience to meet the inevitable

obstacles and inequities of life.

~Albert Bandura

In my first autumn here in Calgary, Alberta (year 2002), I planted 120 tulips in two garden beds which had some pre-existing irises and bleeding heart flowers.

I have never done any gardening before and I thought that if I can grow flowers in our front yard, I will be fine in my new life here in Calgary. The planting season here is only 120 days or even less. I was told that planting anything here, in Zone 3 hardiness, is a science. I comforted myself that if those 120 tulips will grow, then I can succeed and flourish here.

The tulips bloomed the following spring in resplendent yellow, red, black and white colors. I received a lot of compliments from passers-by. Growing tulips and being successful in gardening has taught me a different kind of power, a personal one. It is called self-efficacy.

What is self-efficacy? Albert Bandura defined it as our belief in our ability to succeed in our goals. It pertains to our perception of how competent we are and of our ability to master difficult tasks instead of avoiding them. The way we view our self-efficacy determines the personal power we have over our ambitions, tasks, and challenges.

Personal power is not about having a prestigious job or having a lot of money, although most people think these constitute power. Personal power is having a belief that we can change things in our lives for the better. It is a defining characteristic of resilient people.

Two kinds of self-efficacy. There are two kinds of self-efficacy. The first one is external efficacy--the belief that we have the power to get things done in the outside world. It may involve the power to speak up and be heard, to have an effect, to make a change.

The other type of self-efficacy is internal efficacy--the belief that we have control over our internal world, the understanding that we are at the helm of our own emotional journey. Our emotions are at the mercy of our thoughts and our thoughts are under our voluntary control.

A truly resilient person has both internal and external self-efficacy. But internal efficacy is where it all begins. For instance, it means being able to pull ourselves out of depression, anger, numbness, or feelings of trauma.

Personal power then is having the confidence that we can restore our psychological equilibrium if we have lost it, that we can take positive action in improving our wayward negative emotions, and that we can start somewhere, believing we can accomplish something good.

As for my gardening, I have been planting all kinds of flowers and even vegetables since that fall season of 2002. I have since added five more garden beds to the existing two. I have created a butterfly garden two weeks ago to support and sustain dwindling number of butterflies and bees.

And yes, I have proven to myself I can succeed and flourish here.

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I hope you have learned something positive by reading this article and previous ones.

Please leave your comments below.

Have a good week, my dear readers!

Are You Flourishing?

2011-05-23T14:55:00.002-06:00

I’ve come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself
in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and
become fused with other people, experiences, or tasks.
It happens sometimes when you are lost in a hard challenge,
or when an artist or a craftsman becomes one
with the brush or the tool.
~David Brooks

A person is considered to be flourishing if they perceive that their life is good, that it is going well. Flourishing is a combination of psychological well-being and effective functioning.

Individuals who are flourishing "learn effectively, work productively, have better social relations, are likely to contribute to their community, and have better health and life expectancy" (see Huppert & So, 2009).

People mired in addiction or severe forms of depression and anxiety are said to have mental health problems. They might be experiencing difficulties and unhappiness. As such, they are described as "languishing".

To flourish, an individual must have all three core features below and at least three of the six additional features (Seligman, 2011). I will briefly discuss them.

Core Features

Positive emotions. These emotions can range from amusement, awe, gratitude, to inspiration, peace, empathy, and happiness. It is fueled by the desire for enjoyment and unity, and therefore takes the whole into consideration--interacting with others and whatever is worth connecting to in your world.

Engagement. Did time stop for you? Were you completely absorbed by the task? Engagement is being in the "flow," of being focused, with emotions and mind aligned to accomplish goals and projects.

Meaning. This is "belonging to" and "serving" something that you believe is bigger than the self. Being involved in a cause (i.e., running for breast cancer, advocating to eliminate child poverty) provide meaning and purpose to one's life.

Additional Features

Self-esteem. Do you like your self? Self-esteem is a crucial feature because it affects how you think, act, and relate to others. Self-esteem is your opinion of your self, the value you place on your self.

Optimism. This is the ability to see the positive side of things, of looking at the glass half full (instead of half empty). It is being hopeful and confident about the future or successful outcome.

Resilience. Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, or crisis. It is "bouncing back" into shape and to thrive despite unfortunate experiences.

Vitality. This is the state of being strong and active. It is the ability to endure, to be fully alive (not just partly alive) and be enthusiastic about life. Goals cannot be realized without vitality in mind and in body.

Self-determination. This is the ability to make choices without external interference or pressure. Ernest Henley sums this up neatly in the last stanza of his poem, Invictus: "I am the master of of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

Positive relationships. Human beings are meant to relate to one another. Feelings of indescribable joy, the sense of profound meaning, and the highlights of your life took place around other people. Other people provides antidote to the ups and down of life--providing shelter when life is stormy and oodles of sunshine when life is good.

The primary question to you, my dear reader, is: Are you flourishing? Do you experience the three core features of positive emotions, engagement, and meaning? And do you experience at least three of the six additional features?

Why is it important for you to flourish? To flourish is to grow, to develop, and to become the human person you were meant to be or wanted to be. Dreams are concretized when you flourish. The world is a better place when you flourish. Other people become your inspiration when you flourish. You feel good and on top of the world when you flourish. Need I say more?

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Have a good week, dear readers! As usual, leave your comments below. Take care!

Acquiring Resilience

2011-05-16T15:58:00.001-06:00

Whatever it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, walk away, give it away to someone else who wants it. Let it be their next dream; let it flee from you. Then you have room to grow, to allow magnificent things to fill the vacuum of those seemingly empty places. When you hold onto yesterday, when you hold onto dead and dying adventures, you have no room in your box for greatness.

~Author Unknown

One of the ways to develop resilience is to embrace change. Realize then that your situation is not carved in stone. You have the power to change your life if your situation contributes to your unhappiness and suffering.

I know of some people who stay in a loveless marriage because of their children. I have unhappy friends who are stuck in their job because they need to have an income to support their family. I know of some women who are mistreated by their husband but don't know where to to go or what to do, so they stay.

Stagnation will get you nowhere. The change that comes with developing your resilience will propel you towards a new direction, to an undiscovered greatness, and to a strength you thought you never had.

Acquiring resilience would depend on the following self-efficacious behaviors:

Can you pick yourself up? To develop resilience, you must be able to wither life's problems and traumas by picking yourself up, getting on with your life, and getting the resources you need to soothe yourself. This inevitably requires change, from being in a dormant state to a flourishing one. To flourish means choosing positive emotions over negative ones, to be engaged in some worthwhile pursuits rather than be stagnant, and to live a life of purpose as opposed to being aimless (see Martin Seligman, 2011).

Can you solve your problems? To acquire resilience means you believe that all problems have a solution, that you have the ability to find the answers, and that you can free your self from problems that inhibit you from following your dream. You are realistic enough to know that life will always have problems yet you have the inner confidence that because you have solve previous problems, you are better equipped to solve new ones. In due time, you would have gained the wisdom to navigate life's problems without fear and apprehension.

Are you raised in a supportive environment? Resilience involves being raised in an environment where people believe in you, where people see the best in you, and where you are allowed to learn from your mistakes. You need role models from family, friends, and relatives who demonstrated how they pulled themselves together in times of crises and difficulties. You need people in your environment who modeled what it is to have positive attitude despite hardships (see Alicia Salzer, 2011).

What is your coping style? Acquiring resilience means being able to respond fittingly to events that you have no control of. Salzer describes four emotional coping styles and I will summarize them below:

The Mouse: The coping style of the mouse is to ruminate and spiral into negativity. You could feel exhausted, overwhelmed, hopeless, powerless, in need of rescuing, or in need of escape.
The Bull: The coping style of the bull is best described as anger. In your world, there is a right and wrong, a way things should be done, and you harbor past slights and fantasize about revenge.

The Bee: The coping style of the bee is that of engaging in a whirlwind of activities but you are not particularly aware of how you are feeling beneath the surface. You get more than in a day than most people do in a week and you are often highly accomplished.

The Wolf: The coping style of the wolf is staying calm, cool, and in control. You rarely lose your temper and you don't burst into spontaneous tears. Past experience taught you that the only person you can count on is yourself.

Can you try these? If you think your coping style does not allow you to be resilient, you can try the following alternative coping style to stage your own rescue intervention, according to Salzer:

Borrowing the tools of your heroes: You can use the example of your heroes (or other people you admire) to help you explore alternative ways of responding and coping with challenges.

Assume a character you want to be: Choose a character who has a better coping style than your own and go to the real world and play out this character as if cameras are rolling. Behaving like your character may set you in a new direction emotionally, one that will help you better able to cope.

Becoming more resilient involves change, a movement from one situation to, hopefully, a better one. You would need to harness your ability to stand up if you fall, brush yourself up, solve your problems, be surrounded with supportive people, improve your coping style, and most importantly, to believe in yourself.

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I hope this article will help you thrive and flourish to become more resilient.

As usual, please feel free to leave your comments below.

Have a good week, my dear readers!

Seeing the Best in You: Part II

2011-05-09T16:08:00.002-06:00

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best

to make you everybody else means to fight

the hardest battle any human can ever fight

and never stop fighting.

~ e. e. cummings

Last week I wrote about Seeing the Best in You: Part I, where I described some of the qualities that make you a wonderful human being.

Today, I would continue to explore other qualities that make you an amazing person.

Here they are:

Love. You are capable of deep love, commitment, and connection. Your connections go beyond the human level and you feel you are a part of nature, such that you care for your environment and its wildlife. Also, you measure wealth in terms of the quality of your relationships, be it with your family, friends, or co-workers.

Love of learning. You are always learning something new, regardless of your age or education. You are excited at the prospect of knowing things you have not known before and you use all kinds of resources to accomplish this--from physical to mental, from analog to digital, from books to ebooks, from old to new, from history to geography. You delight in learning about various cultures and how people are similar and yet different.

Open-mindedness. You are not rigid about right and wrong, about how things are done, about how people choose. You realize that the world is not "black and white" but also shades of grey. You are always willing to understand others' points of view without compromising your own values.

Perseverance. You believe in working hard, in being focused, and in getting things done. You are not easily discouraged by the height of the mountain you have to climb or the rugged valleys you have to traverse. You know that you can accomplish things if you just stick to your goals.

Perspective. You have the ability to see the big picture. While others may be confused, you see situations clearly. Although you might be immersed in your subjective experience, you also have the ability to be objective and thus see the antecedents and consequences of certain decisions and events.

Prudence. You always take time to think through first before acting. Being risky and impulsive is not part of your personality. This is shown in careful deliberation before making important decisions. For instance, you are not an impulsive lover or buyer. And you are careful not to say things that you will later regret.

Self-regulation. You have the ability to control your self. You balance your desires with an anticipatory knowledge of consequences. You sometimes indulge but not over-indulge. Your impulses do not get the best of you and you know that the reward is worth the work and the wait.

Simplicity. It is elegance in having few, whether it is in clothes, make-up, furniture, house arrangement, or in writing. You appreciate simple moments and things, without too much complication and clutter.

Spirituality. You believe in the transcendence. Your internal dialogue is attuned to Someone who is your guide and solace when situations are joyful or difficult. Your insight and understanding of some universal truths and forces provide rich context in your life.

Zest. You are blessed with energy and enthusiasm. You make things happen, you love your life, and are excited about your plans. In short, you have the "joie de vivre" and you are a magnet to people because of your cheerful enjoyment of life.

These are some of the qualities that constitute the best in you. There might be other important qualities as well that I have not included here.

Take note that you are not born with these qualities; they are learned over the years and can be difficult to master. Thus, I say to you, you are becoming more wonderful each day.

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As always, feel free to leave your comments below.

You can also suggest any topic of interest and I will do my best to write about it.

Have an awesome week, dear readers!

Seeing the Best in You: Part I

2011-05-02T13:33:00.000-06:00

No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be,

you are special, and you still have something unique to offer.

Your life, because of who you are, has meaning.

~ Barbara De Angelis

Never go through life without affirming that you are special and unique. Nobody is like you. Anybody can be a parent but not like you. Anybody can cook but not like you. Anybody can be a friend but not like you. Anybody can laugh but not like you. Anybody can love but not like you.

Today, I would like you to think of how amazing you are, no matter what has happened in your past and despite your insecurities and failures in the present. Today, I would like you to look at the best in you and celebrate your magnificence.

Below are some qualities of the wonderful person that you are:

Authenticity. It is possible you have hidden your true self from others, once in a while. You might be afraid that others might not accept you for who you are and so you pretend you are someone you are not. But the best part in you is your real self. Your genuine self is unduplicated and this makes you special and unique. Therefore, you strive to be your real self.

Bravery. Every hurdle you have made, every problem you have solved, every trauma you have overcame has made you brave. Deep inside you is a courageous person, constantly slaying some some inner demons and fighting some external battles. You are unafraid to speak your mind, even if your idea is unpopular or controversial. You stick up for those who are wronged but do not let anyone be cruel or unjust to you.

Creativity. You have the inner resources to be a genius in your own way. You paint, write, take photos, decorate, and learn something new. You are ingenious, flexible, and original. You believe it is never too late to hone your creative self. Colonel Sanders began his franchise when he was in his 60s, Grandma Moses started painting in her 70s, and Bill Taylor started drawing in his 80s. Right now, you might be at the cusp of your own creative genius. Whatever your genius be, you're doing it!

Curiosity. Your best self is fed with your curiosity. You try new things, learn new skills, and experience adventures you haven't had yet. Although it feels comfortable to be in your familiar surroundings, you sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, to try unchartered waters. You know there will always be something new out there to experience.

Excellence. You strive to be your best, whether it is as simple as cooking a meal or as complicated as writing an annual report. Mediocrity is not part of your game plan. The drive for excellence emanates from within you, not from outside you. It is a striving for more, such that you become an outlier, in the context of Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers.

Fairness. You believe in fairness and equality. If you are wrong, you admit it. You make sure everyone in your family or group gets a fair chance. You don't want to take credit for somebody else's achievements but instead make sure that praise goes to the person who deserves it. You feel frustrated when you see others treated unfairly.

Forgiveness. You are not one to hold a grudge and revenge does not interest you. You do not intentionally hurt someone even though they have injured you in the past. You have the ability to let go of blame, anger, and frustration. You realize that forgiveness means canceling any wrongdoing that has been done against you and moving on in the right direction.

Gratitude. You feel that you are blessed, regardless of what has happened in the past. Even in the midst of hard times, you maintain perspective on all the good things in your life and feel lucky of small gifts that come your way. You appreciate people and what they bring into your life.

Hope. You believe that circumstances will become better. It is a wish in your heart that good things will come, even if your surroundings are dreary. This quotation sums up hope for you: "Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible." You also know that it is when its darkest that stars appear their brightest.

Humility. You maintain the grace of humility, being aware that life is constantly changing. You realize that no matter how hard you work, there is no security in your today, more so in your tomorrow. Life can be taken at any moment, a misfortune can happen, and an event can turn your life upside down. You are aware that false pride is looking down on people while humility is looking with them and being with them.

Humor. When times get tough, you can still see what's funny in your situation. You have the ability to experience joy despite adversity. You have a gift of making people laugh to lessen tension. Humor keeps you sane and grounded.

Kindness. You have a feeling of good will to anyone or anything, including animals. Kind words, kind deeds, and benevolence show the best in you. For you, every act of kindness is a message from your heart to another heart, an unspoken "I care" statement. You use soft words and avoid gossiping, finding fault, and making negative judgements.

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Greetings, dear readers! This article is Part I of Seeing the Best in You. I hope you find this article resonating with you. Read Part II next week.

Don't forget to leave your comments below.

Meanwhile, enjoy your week!

Are You Stuck?

2011-04-18T15:37:00.002-06:00

You are responsible for your life.

You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction.

Life is really about moving on.

~Oprah Winfrey

I have been reflecting about how some people who have unsatisfied needs are stuck, unable to satisfy and fulfill certain needs. In the process, they might become morally confused and diffused. Their integrity collapses under the burden of meeting some of their unsatisfied needs.

I remember studying Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to understand human motivation. I became fascinated with his notion of the five human needs, arranged in a hierarchical order. Below is the chart:

For Maslow, human beings are motivated by unsatisfied needs, with basic needs calling for satisfaction first before one can move to self-actualizing needs. These basic needs are: physiological (survival needs such as water, air, food, sleep); safety (security in employment, heath insurance, safe neighborhood); social (belonging, love, and affection); and esteem (self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition, accomplishment). Once these needs are fulfilled, an individual can develop toward greater growth for self-actualization.

You might have some disagreements about Maslow's theory of motivation (which may not perfectly explain all of our life's goals and actions) but for now, let's focus on the first five basic needs.

Do you know of some people who are stuck trying to fulfill their survival needs? Then their focus is the day-to-day need for food, water, sleep and other basic necessities that would ensure their survival. If these needs cannot be met, they could get stuck in this level. In the process of satisfying these needs, they may look for ethical ways to fulfill them (i.e., getting a job) or choose the easy but unethical route (i.e., steal, use people to fulfill their needs, engage in prostitution).

In my research of older people and their motivation, there is evidence that they move towards broader attachments and connections as they age (i.e., religion and spirituality) while self-centeredness declines (Tornstam, 1999; Coleman, 2000). However, you might know of some older people who are still stuck in their survival needs, even if they are financially stable. As a result, they use unethical ways to obtain properties and money, to the extent of lying and committing forgery, to get what [they feel] they need.

Let's say a person has satisfied his survival and safety needs but his social and esteem needs are still deficient for some reasons. Perhaps his former girlfriend left him which leads him to question his self worth. Using Maslow's theory, it is obvious that unless he is able to fulfill his social and esteem needs, he will be stuck in these levels. In the process of satisfying his need of love, affection, and personal worth, he could become very selective (being careful not to re-experience being dumped) or may just fall for any girl that comes along. This person might even develop a dependent-obsessive personality, which in turn could turn off most girls.

Which level are you in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?

Are you stuck in any of these levels?

What ethical ways will you choose to meet your needs?

Don't forget to share your comments below.

Have an awesome week, dear readers!

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Sources:

Coleman, P. (2000). Aging and the satisfaction of psychological needs (Commentary). Psychological Inquiry, 11, 291-293.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Retrieved from low.com/m_motivation/Hierarchy_of_Needs.asp

Tornstam, L. (1999). Transcendence in later life. Generations, 10-14.

A Peek At Integrity

2011-04-13T15:01:00.002-06:00

In looking for people to hire, look for three qualities: integrity,

intelligence and energy. And if they don’t have the ﬁrst,

the other two will kill you.

~Warren Buffet

If honesty did not exist, it would have to be invented,

as it is the surest way of getting rich.

~Earl Nightingale

If you look at yourself in the mirror, and ask if you can be trusted with another person's life and possessions, and if, without blinking, your answer is Yes, then you are a person of integrity.

If you are a person expecting others to have integrity, you must have it first yourself. In the words of St. Augustine, "That which you want to ignite in others has to be burning in yourself."

We are drawn to people with high moral standards. We like people we can trust. We feel safe with them.

We desire our leaders to have integrity: citizens of any country clamor for it from their politicians; employees desire it from their managers and bosses; religious people expect it from their clergy and priests; and stockholders demand it from corporations.

We want to see integrity in our families: a truthful son, a faithful husband, a just father, an honest mother-in-law, a dependable daughter.

We expect integrity from our friends: their loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, sincerity.

What is integrity?

The word originated from late Middle English, which means "intact." In Latin, it is "integritas", which means wholeness, completeness, purity, and integratedness. The dictionary defines it as "the quality of being steadfast and honest" (New Oxford American Dictionary). It implies good character, decency, fairness, sincerity, and trustworthiness. It is a key character strength and virtue (Peterson & Seligman, 2004).

Of the 555 personality-trait words (see Anderson's ratings, 1968), the two highest rated were sincere and honest, with loyal, truthful, trustworthy, and dependable all in the top 10. Conversely, liar and phony are the two least desirable traits, with dishonest, untruthful, dishonorable, and deceitful all in the bottom 10.

Why is integrity important?

Personal strength. If you were to make a choice between an attractive but untrustworthy person and a plain but honest one, I am sure you will choose the plain but honest one. The honest person has personal power because this individual has set the bar high when it comes to personal values. The honest person will be sought after and will be in demand, while the dishonest one will ultimately lose family, friends, and social approval.

#1 quality in excellent leadership. A good leader says what he means and means what he says. He is consistent (i.e., fulfills promises and observes expectations he creates), coherent (i.e., acts on the basis of norms and values irrespective of the relationship in question, does not support double-standard of morality), and constant (i.e., acts the same way in similar situations, is not a chameleon; Kaptein, 2003).

Social necessity. Integrity is an important aspect of any civilized society. We go to our bank and expect that our saved money, up to the last centavo, is safe. We buy groceries and feel confident that the items we purchase are as good as the labels and expiry dates written on them, and in paying for them, we trust that we get the correct change, up to the last centavo.

Your integrity (or lack of it) defines who you are. It specifies where you stand in in situations that call for tough decisions and responsible actions.

Who you are will be shown in a day-to-day basis, when you have to make choices between competing values which could affect those people you love and care about.

Remember that between two values, always choose the higher value.

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This is just a peek at integrity. I am curious as to what factors lead some people to be liars, dishonest, cheaters, and deceitful. Is it their childhood environment? Is it their unmet needs? Is it the influence of others? Is it greed? Is it genetics (inheritable)?

Let me know if you have questions or if you want to suggest aspects of integrity to be discussed in my blog next week.

Thank you, dear readers, for visiting my website. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Sources:

Anderson, N. (1968). Likableness ratings of 555 personality-trait words. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9, 272–279.

Kaptein, M. (2003). The diamond of managerial integrity. European Management Journal, 21(1), 99-108.

Peterson, C., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classiﬁcation. New York: Oxford University Press.

The Happiness Advantage

2011-04-04T12:33:00.004-06:00

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging
to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness
to change its form without being disappointed by the change;
happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.
~Charles L. Morgan

Today I will write about the happiness advantage--that which fuels creativity, success, and health.

Creativity. Recall the time when you created something remarkable such as a a poem, a painting, lyrics of a song, a vase out from clay, a radio, an antenna, an innovative idea, or any work that has some kind of value. What was your mood at that time? Depressed? Sad? Happy? Angry? Relaxed?

A meta-analysis by Baas, De Dreu, and Bernard (2008) examined 25 years of research (1981-2006) on the relationship between mood and creativity. The extensive study revealed that creativity is enhanced more by positive moods (e.g., happiness) when compared to neutral moods (e.g., being relaxed); negative moods (e.g., sadness) were not associated with creativity. The meta-analysis covered 66 reports with a total of 102 independent samples and over 7,000 participants.

Creativity involves one's ability to solve problems, generate new insights, and create new products and services. It is critical to both survival and prosperity.

Success. We have been told by parents, teachers, and friends that if we work hard, we will be successful. And once we are successful, then we will be happy.

So we think that if we can finish a degree, find a high-paying job, find the person of our dream, then happiness will follow.

Research however shows the opposite: It is happiness that fuels success, not the other way around. This was also the core message of Shawn Achor's book, The Happiness Advantage.

An extensive review of relevant literature by Lyubomirsky, King, and Diener (2005) found compelling evidence that happiness (defined as the frequent experience of positive emotions), leads to successful outcomes within all of the major life domains (i.e., work, love, health). Being successful is defined as accomplishing those things that are valued by one’s culture and flourishing in terms of the goals set forth by one’s society.

The review was documented from three classes of evidence: cross-sectional, longitudinal, and experimental.

When Lyubomirsky, et al. examined cross-sectional studies, they discovered strong positive relations of happiness with an array of desirable attributes, propensities, and behaviors (e.g., positive perceptions of self and other, sociability, prosocial behavior, likability, creativity, and coping, among others).

When the same researchers explored a number of longitudinal studies they found that (a) long-term happiness precedes the successful outcomes with which it correlates (e.g., thriving, fulfilling and productive work, satisfying relationships, and superior mental and physical health); and (b) both long- term happiness and short-term positive emotions precede the desirable resources and characteristics with which they are related (e.g., prosocial behavior, physical well-being, and adaptive coping).

Lastly, they scrutinized a sizable experimental literature which offered strong evidence that short-term positive emotions cause a range of behaviors paralleling success (e.g., engagement with others and the environment, better conflict management, more flexibility and original thinking).

In short, this extensive review of related literature provides strong evidence that happiness can lead to success.

Health. If you are an unhappy person, it might be to your advantage to adapt a happy disposition or maybe learn how to be happy. An extensive review of literature by Diener and Chan (2011) indicated that subjective well-being (life satisfaction, absence of negative emotions, optimism, and positive emotions) causes better health and longevity. These researchers reviewed 160 studies to determine if subjective well-being, such as happiness, predict health and longevity.

Diener and Chan found substantial and compelling evidence that subjective well-being (i.e., being happy) was related to health and longevity while negative emotions (i.e., depression, anger) play a major role in the development of cardiovascular disease and its progression.

They have other interesting findings: optimists had a quicker post-surgical recovery among bypass patients; pessimists had higher blood pressure levels; positive emotions were related to better immune function and greater tolerance for pain.

The evidences from the studies mentioned above highlights the benefits of positive emotions such as happiness. However, it would be unreasonable to conclude that only happiness accounts for all forms of success and thriving. There are other variables, such as intelligence, family connections, lifestyle, and physical fitness that contribute to one's creativity, success, and health and longevity.

I wish you "chronic happiness," my readers!

Enjoy your week. Be happy!

Don't forget to leave your comments below.

References:

Baas, M., De Dreu, C., & Nijstad, B. A. (2008). A meta-Analysis of 25 years of mood–creativity research: Hedonic tone, activation, or regulatory focus? Psychological Bulletin, 134(6), 779 – 806.

Diener, E. & Chan, M. Y. (2011). Happy people live longer: Subjective well-being contributes to health and longevity. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. doi:10.1111/j.1758-0854.2010.01045.x

Lyubomirsky, S., King, L. & Diener, E. (2005). The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success? Psychological Bulletin, 131(6), 803– 855.

Are You Happy? Part II

2011-03-21T16:11:00.000-06:00

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed.

Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute

with love, grace and gratitude.

- Denis Waitley

I will continue to synthesize the characteristics of happy people based on Henry Cloud's book, The Law of Happiness. In Part I, I discussed about happy people being givers, not being lazy about happiness, not waiting for someday, have goals to pursue, are fully engaged and connected.

Below, I have summarized the rest of the characteristics of happy people:

Happy people don't compare themselves. You are unique, with your own gifts, talents, and horsepower. To compare yourself with anyone is like comparing apples and oranges. Happy people pay less attention to how others are doing and pay more attention to their life and how to make it better. They get inspiration from other people but take ownership of their life, their looks, their talents, their genes, their chemistry, hormone levels, and personality.

Happy people think well. Two people can have the same experience but one calls it quits and the other reaches the goal. Why? Happy people do not take rejection and failure personally but believe in the future. One of the most documented realities in psychological research is that your thinking affects your moods, anxiety levels, performance, and well-being. Every single day, happy people are thinking thoughts that help them to be happy, and unhappy people do the opposite.

Happy people are grateful. One of the most powerful findings in psychology is that people who are grateful and practice gratitude regularly have significantly different levels of happiness than those who don't. Happy people are able to transition from being devastated to thriving as a result of practicing gratitude. When we are thankful and when we express it to others, we are happier. Research show that grateful people have less emotional and psychological ailments. Also, they show more relational capacities and are less envious and less materialistic.

Happy people have boundaries. Research indicates that if you don't allow people to control you, abuse you, or mistreat you, you will be happier (read Lyubomirsky, 2008). Having boundaries means that you set limits on what you will and will not allow in your life. In psychology, it is called "locus of control"--when you are in control of your situation and of your life. In terms of boundaries, it means you don't allow other people's control, manipulation, irresponsibility, or even abuse to be in charge of your life.

Happy people forgive. It does not mean reconciling with and trusting people again who have wronged you. Forgiveness is defined as "canceling a debt," meaning people who have hurt you no longer owe you anything, because you have let go of the offense. Evidence from research affirms that when you forgive others, you are the biggest beneficiary--you will not be walking around with a lot of resentment, anger, and a head full of negative thoughts over an event in the past or towards a person who has hurt you. Happy people have an ability to forgive and move on after being hurt, breaking the cord between them and a past hurtful event. Forgiveness only takes one person--you.

Happy people have a calling. Researchers have identified three kinds of people: those who see their work as a "job," with its main purpose being to provide a living; those who see their work as a "career," with the purpose of advancement upward on a path; and those who see their work as a "calling," with the higher purpose of contributing to a larger good and for the intrinsic benefit and experience of the work itself (Bellah, Madsen, Sullivan, Swidler, & Tipton, 1986). Our calling has to do with using our gifts and passions to helping others and bettering the world. Happy people go inside the treasure chest of their heart and find what they really love doing, which brings them fulfillment and enjoyment.

Happy people have faith. Happiness researcher Sonia Lyubomirsky finds that religious people are happier, healthier, and recover better after traumas than non-religious people. Numerous other studies have shown the positive relationship of faith to physical health and longevity (Carr, 2004). Faith and seeing God as a partner in coping with life has been shown to help depression and lower suicide rates (Pargament, 2001). When we are grounded in our relationship with God, we can face whatever happens with optimism.

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Nest week, I will be writing more about happiness, in Are You Happy? Part III.

Meanwhile take care of yourself and learn how to be happier.

Leave your comments in the Comments section below.

Japan: Mending the Broken Pieces

2011-03-16T15:04:00.006-06:00

The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected

from the storm and hidden from the sun.

It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled

to struggle for its existence against the winds

and rains and the scorching sun.

~Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)

I had planned to write about happiness this week. However, the events in Japan, with its untold human suffering, made me decide to write this piece. No one who has seen disaster like this remains untouched.

Today I will write about two important research findings: the mirror neurons in the brain and post-traumatic growth. The former enables us to respond to the Japanese people's experience of crisis while the latter enables the Japanese people to respond to their crisis.

Mirror neurons. In the last decade, scientists found mirror neurons in the brain-- "specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person" (Iacoboni, 2008). These neurons are responsible for our capacity to empathize with others when they experience misfortune or to feel joy with them in good times.

These mirror neurons enable us to "copy" the sufferings of the Japanese people, as if we are there, as if we are the Japanese. These brain cells make us empathize and care even for complete strangers who are experiencing crisis and tragedy.

We might go on our daily business as Japan continues to cope and grieve in the midst of the immense devastation. But a part of us is also trying to cope and grieve. A part of us wants to help. Thanks to these brain neurons, we are capable of "being with" them in their time of pain and grieving.

Post-traumatic growth. Although we normally think of recovery as a positive outcome after a disaster, studies show that there is a positive outcome of another kind, called post-traumatic growth (PTG) . Other terms used for this positive outcome are personal transformation, thriving, resilience, positive life change, stress-related growth, and meaning reconstruction.

Studies reveal that great suffering or trauma can actually lead to great positive change across a wide range of experience (e.i., Madrid bombings in 2004, the 9/11, illness from cancer). What kind of positive growth? Increases in spirituality, compassion for others, acceptance of life's paradoxes, and heightened existential awareness (see Gerrish, Dyke, & Marsh, 2009). The positive growth that comes from trauma is not only a "bouncing back" but also a "bouncing forward" (Pat-Horenczyk & Brom, 2007).

How can the Japanese people cope with what is happening now and after? They can bounce back if they can return to the pre-crisis conditions. Or they can bounce forward and reconstruct their lives. However, there might not be a return to normalcy in events of this magnitude--the earthquake, then the tsunami, and now, the possible radiation problem. Hence, the Japanese can choose to bounce forward (see Walsh, 2004).

Below are some of the ways the Japanese people can bounce forward:

Developing new modes of thinking:

1. Accepting that suffering is part of the universe and that their world (and also ours) has irrevocably changed.

2. Creating new meanings out from their losses and being grateful for what are left untouched (being alive, the capacity to care and love).

3. Being open to the notion that the worst of times also brings out the best in most people (i.e., positive psychological growth).

4. Being aware that recovery from traumatic events is not found in quick and easy solutions but in perseverance and in struggling well.

5. Being hopeful in finding new strengths, untapped potentials, and creative efforts in the re-building process. Hope, which is future-oriented, is the strongest predictor of mental health (see Raphael and Ma, 2011).

Developing new modes of acting:

1. Re-connecting with families, relatives, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Positive growth from trauma is nurtured by supportive relationships.

2. Volunteering, in whatever capacity, to ease the pain and suffering of the general population. The benefit one derives for one's self is as great as that which one gives to others, according to Dr. Sam Goldstein.

3. Asking help from other people when everything seems insurmountable. This is the time to let go of individualistic attitude in favor of collective efforts.

4. Focusing on the problems head-on, from the most urgent to the most important (i.g., identifying who need more resources and protection).

5. Turning to one's faith as a source of solace and comfort. Religious activities can moderate depression and stress, based on numerous studies.

In a globally connected world, the suffering of the Japanese is shown in an instant. We grieve with them, in an instant. Their pain is our pain, their loss is ours.

Yet, let us not forget the innate resilience of humankind. We have survived through indescribable suffering in the past from various disasters, both man-made and natural.

The Japanese survived through World War II and earthquakes in the past. Although this recent event may be more catastrophic, they will rebuild, recover, and build a stronger nation. And although this could take time, they will get there eventually.

Japan can mend the broken pieces and become whole again.

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Note to my readers: Leave your message in the Comments box below.

Be blessed.

References:

Gerrish, N., Dyke, M. J., & Marsh, A. (2009). Post-traumatic growth and bereavement. Mortality, 14(3), 227-244.

Pat-Horenczyk, R., & Brom, D. (2007). The multiple faces of post-traumatic growth. Applied Psychology: An International Review, 56(3), 379-385.

Raphael, B., & Ma. H. (2011). Mass catastrophe and disaster psychiatry. Molecular Psychiatry, 16, 247-251.

Walsh, F. (2002). Bouncing forward: Resilience in the aftermath of September 11. Family Processes, 41, 34-36.

Are You Happy? Part I

2011-03-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves.
It is not something we see, like a rainbow,
or feel, like the heat of a fire.
Happiness is something we are.

John B. Sheerin

If I ask you what makes you happy, what would be your answer?

Is it your spouse, your children, your work, your friends? Is it having money, a nice house, a new car, a Mac computer? Is it reading books, cooking a meal, planting a garden, listening to music?

Since we are unique human beings, what makes you happy might not make others happy.

However, what makes you happy says a lot about you as a person.

If you are happy with small things (the smell of roses, the taste of brewed coffee, the sight of an herd of deer) or with simple activities (reading a good book, gardening, listening to music), then it is easy for you to be happy in life. Perhaps you are a person who feels grateful about what you already have. You count your blessings and that is a sure way to make you happy.

If you are happy with big things (having lots of money, a huge house and a new car every 3 years), chances are you have been working extremely hard to have acquired all these. The world's top 3 billionaires (as of 2010) like Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffett came from humble beginnings. However, they were innovators and were willing to put a lot of time, energy, and focus in their endeavors. If you are rich or on the way of becoming one, then you are a highly driven person, success-oriented, and a risk taker.

If you are happy with helping others (donating to charity, delivering meals to seniors, helping street kids) then you are a miracle worker whose goal is to make others' lives a bit easier and better. Mother Teresa exemplifies a person whose happiness is found in helping others--the poorest of the poor. If your happiness is found in helping others, then you are socially-conscious, loving, and committed to find resources for those in need.

What do studies tell us about happy people? Dr. Henry Cloud (2011), a psychologist, enumerated the following characteristics of people who are happy, based on large studies. Below is the summary:

Happy people are givers. Research show that people who are givers, those who serve others and are altruistic are much happier than those who are not. Neuroscientists Jorge Hall and Jordan Grafman from the National Institutes of Health discovered that the pleasure centres of the brain (the ones that respond to food and sex) also light up when people think of giving to others. However, take note that giving past your resources (i.e., emotional, financial) may lead to unhappiness.

Happy people are not lazy about happiness. There is a difference between saying, "Good morning, Lord," and "Good Lord, morning". The first greeting is a trademark of people who invest their time and resources in building a fulfilling and meaningful life. The second greeting speaks of a lazy attitude, a lack of movement, an entropy. If you are happy, you will find the time and the resources to do what you love to do and be upbeat about it.

Happy people don't wait for someday. Happy people are happy "now", not when they get their first million, or write their first book, or find that dream person. Research show that people who are experiencing the joys and pleasures of the present are less likely to be stressed and depressed. People who are skilled at capturing the joy of the present moment, hanging on to good feelings, and appreciating things in the "now" are not dependent on a "someday when things get better" frame of mind. They make things better now.

Happy people pursue goals. Many people are out of touch of their true desires. They make goals out of other people's expectations. As a result, their whole heart, mind, and soul are not in what they do. What kind of goals do happy people pursue? Not just any goal. They choose goals that are intrinsic, the ones that come from who they truly are. They grasp goals that jump out of their heart that have been there for a long time. They make goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely (commonly known as SMART).

Happy people are fully engaged. Time seems to disappear when happy people are working on projects or activities they like. They experience what is called the "flow", when their emotions and mind are aligned at the task at hand. This experience is said to create spontaneous joy, even rapture.

Happy people connect. Happy people are deeply connected with family members, friends, and co-workers. They have a social support system whereby they are accepted for who they are, regardless of their mistakes and limitations. This way, happy people are not alone, not lonely, and definitely not isolated.

Remember: Don't waste a minute being unhappy. If one window closes - run to the next window - or break down a door.

Next week, I will continue writing the rest of the characteristics of happy people, in summary form.

Meanwhile, leave your comments or questions in the Comments space below.

Have a happy week!

What I Love Most About Calgary

2011-02-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Today, I will digress a bit from writing about psychology and philosophy and will tell you about what I love most about Calgary, my home since December 2001. In 2009, the Toronto Board of Trade named Calgary as the best city on the planet. It has been judged in 2007 by the Mercer Human Resources as the cleanest city in the world, among 300 cities studied for their quality of living. For a map showing Calgary in the over-all Canadian landscape, click here.

I am fortunate to be in a place where the public libraries (17 branches in Calgary's 4 quadrants) are some of the best in the world. The holdings of each library boasts thousands of paper books, e-books, CDs, and DVDs.

You can borrow up to 99 books or CDs, 30 DVDs, magazines, and 10 New & Notables at any a single time.

You can find online the Best Sellers, Recommended Readings (books that have earned awards), the hottest title, the hottest author, and the hottest subject.

Obtaining borrowing privileges is easy. All you need is to show proof that you are a resident of Calgary, usually by showing a mailed envelope with your name and address on it and one other identification card. You are then given a library card which costs $12.00 for adults, $9.00 for seniors, $6.00 for teens, and free for children. Your library card, which has a barcode for convenient borrowing, is good for one year.

You can borrow books and other items using any of the self checkout machines or by going to a human librarian who will give you a smile and a warm hello. Loan periods are 3 weeks for most books, CDs, magazines, and e-books. You can renew books three times after your initial borrowing, with each renewal good for one week. You can return books at any of the 17 branches.

You can request for items online to be be put on hold for you and you can pick them up at the library branch of your choice. The procedure is like magic: you search for books, put them on hold, assign a library branch of your choice where you want to pick them up, and usually within a week, you will receive notification by email that your books are ready for pick-up.

And as if that is not enough, these 17 library branches have free programs and classes tailored to all ages, from teens to seniors. The programs include authors' readings, business and development, computer literacy, reading and writing, and something for everyone.

There are also used books for sale in every branch. Some of these books are only a year old and they are sold for 50 cents or a dollar each.

Deane and I are voracious readers. It is no wonder we regularly visit the Nose Hill library on weekends, the nearest branch to our house. I usually have 20 books to read at any given time. Most of the music in my iTunes Library are imported from CDs I have borrowed from this branch.

I like being tantalized by books that expand my mind, uplift my mood, widen my understanding, and introduce me to new things I have never known before. For instance, I learned how to make swarovski bracelets three years ago by reading books on jewelry-making and I subsequently sold some jewelry at a nearby jewelry store. I learned how to be a gardener on this side of the world where the growing season is between 80-120 days, by reading books on gardening. When I feel down on the dumps, especially during winter when there is lack of outdoor activities and sunshine for me, I read books that remind me of the things I should be grateful for and why life is always meaningful, regardless of what I feel. And yes, there's the Garfield comics and Archie comics that never fail to entertain me before I sleep at night.

The Nose Hill Library has been my constant source of inspiration and information since my arrival in Calgary. There are still so many areas to explore in this city but for now, I would rather smell the books and explore the library shelves at this library.

My next write-up is about happiness. Watch for it next week. Until then, enjoy your week. Take care.

What Does it Take to be a Real Man?

2011-02-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

I wrote this essay in 1996 and ever since, it has been borrowed and adopted by other writers online. I came across it lately while browsing the Internet and I decided to re-publish it here, hoping some of you will learn a thing or two about what constitutes true masculinity, from a woman's perspective.

What Does it Take to be a Real Man?

©Amy L. Chaves

(Published at Xavier University Crusader, Feb. 1996)

Last December 1, 1995, during the Xavier Days revelry, a certain freshman student of the College of Engineering, attacked and assaulted my son who is also a freshman of the same college, without provocation and sufficient reason. His mother came to see me at our house, apologized, but justified his son's behavior as part of the need of adolescents to assert themselves to be considered "manly" or lalaki. Based from this erroneous and distorted concept of what it takes to be a real man, I write this modest essay with the intention of clarifying, not only to the student who assaulted my son, but to all our male students, the true essence of manliness.

A real man need not prove himself. Only those who are still uncertain of their manliness will be driven by the desire to prove that they are real men. So they engage in brawls and fights. But a real man need not assume a combatant stance. He has the ability to discipline himself and to let go of hostilities that can cause not only conflicts but harm and injury on others.

A real man is therefore one who has the inner strength and wisdom to distinguish between what is right or wrong behavior even in the most difficult situation. One need not be another Jean Claude Van Damme or Sylvester Stallone to be considered a real man. It is not only a matter of muscles but of substance that a man is made of.

A real man is not egotistical. Only an insecure person has the need to assert himself always, that he is right, and that he is the best; that always "the world owes him a living;" that people must always bow down and submit to him; that his world is at the center of everything else, to the prejudice of others.

A real man is caring. Although he considers his own needs he also considers the needs of others and takes a healthy pride in valuing and appreciating others. Down with egotistical men! What we need are grown-up men who have undergone the difficult process of coming to terms with their own weakness and capitalizing on their weakness to gain inner strength. We need men who can appreciate others without feeling less of a man.

A real man does not wear a mask of toughness. In fact, a real man is gentle. He is not afraid to be vulnerable and therefore need not show that he is tough. He is solid inside and is therefore not afraid to be vulnerable on the outside. A real man knows when to be tough--when his rights or that of others are being violated; when he must act courageously, as a matter of principle, and not just of false pride; when he must be a protector of the down-trodden and the innocent--this he does with the right intention and at the right time.

A real man does not follow the crowd. He does not smoke, drink or take drugs just to be considered "in" or in vogue. Maleness or masculinity is not only a matter of smoking or drinking. A trained monkey can do that. A real man is an individual who is not controlled by advertisements in the media which insinuates that a real man takes brandy, "pang rrrromansa, espesyal!" Or that a real man must smoke Hope and then be surrounded by women in bikini. It takes more than drinking or smoking for a man to be a real man. It takes guts not to be part of the faceless, nameless, and irresponsible crowd.

A real man does not bend the rules. A real man not only knows the rules but respects the rules. He knows the importance of rules in life. Those who bend the rules are lopsided men with lopsided minds and are therefore not real men. They are the ones who, later in adult life, become corrupt and cruel. Out of their legacy also comes malevolent and ruthless men who not only bend the rules but even the Law to their advantage. They are the cunning men who not only lack integrity but also honesty.

A real man is moral. A real man not only recognizes the importance of ethical life but is downright ethical in whatever aspect of his life is involved whether it is the personal or the social. He knows, for example, that it is wrong to take advantage of innocent women. He values women regardless of status or qualifications. Those who seduce or rape women are not real men--they have another "kingdom:" the "kingdom genitalia". In this kingdom, only the genitals are paramount. The head and the heart are non-essentials, almost non-existent. This is the kingdom occupied by men who are amoral particularly in the aspect of love.

Before I close, in case you are one of those trying to be a real man or are in the process of becoming one, let me tell you this: it will be a long and difficult process, a long upward climb. It might take years. But it will be worth the climb and the time. It may entail getting rid of some parental domination-- overprotectiveness and extreme forms of dependency--that may impede your personal growth to be a man. It may mean loosening your grip from some "barkadas" (peers) who may have negative influences on you--the drug addicts, the habitual drinkers, the womanizers, and the happy-go-lucky. It may require learning to love and to appreciate yourself starting now: an unrepeated, special person. It may necessitate behavioral control to ward off combatant behavior and channeling your energy into some worthwhile pursuits--the Campus Ministries may need a chapel aide and the world could surely take another environmentalist. It may mean respecting women, being more gentle to them, and refraining from sexist remarks. It may require becoming more duty- and responsibility-centered: studying, fulfilling class requirements, helping parents in home-making are some of these. It may mean integrating prayer into your life and relating to God in more profound ways than one.

Others may write more on this topic but for now, I challenge the men in this campus to become real men. They need not wear fancy clothes and put on sophisticated manners. They need not be avant garde or oozing with self-confidence. They need not look like Keanu Reeves and smell of Lagerfield perfume. It might not be easy to spot the real men. But review this article, observe, befriend some men. If you can find one real man, bring him to me. He deserves, at the very least, a kiss!

Languages of Love

2011-02-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.

~Gary Chapman

I had two surprises this Valentine's Day from my husband, Deane. One was a dozen roses, which he gave me last Friday night, saying that he bought them early in case the rose supply runs out. As you know Canada imports roses primarily from the US. That was my first Valentine surprise.

The second Valentine's Day surprise I received from him was this morning. I found them on my side of the dining table. There was a dandy Valentine's card with a touching dedication, complete with all the red and pink colors and a sapphire stone on top of the card. With the card was an iTunes gift card worth $50 and a book by Gary Chapman, entitled "The 5 Love Languages". Deane is the sweetest person when it comes to knowing what gifts to give me.

I thought I would share with you what Gary Chapman has to say about the 5 languages that will make love last. They are summarized below:

Love Language 1. Words of Affirmation: Since words has the power of life and death, use words that build up. Verbally affirm each other by using verbal compliments and words of appreciation such as "Wow, you look hot in that dress", "Thanks for picking me up on time", "I love how you are responsible", and say them sincerely. This is not about flattery. The intention in doing this is for the well-being of the one you love. As Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Don't forget the importance of how you speak--use kind words, make requests but don't demand.

Love Language 2. Quality Time: This means giving someone your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Try quality conversation, which is a sympathetic form of dialogue where the two of you can share your experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires, in a friendly, uninterrupted context. Whereas words of affirmation is all about what we are saying, quality conversation is about what we are hearing. In addition, quality time involves quality activities to experience something together--putting up a garden together, visiting historic neighborhood, cooking together. Quality time in terms of doing activities together will serve as positive memory bank in the years to come.

Love Language 3. Giving Gifts: (Gary Chapman titled this sub-heading as Receiving Gifts. However, in reading this section, I have the impression that it was more about giving than receiving. So I took the liberty of renaming this sub-heading.) Gifts are visual symbols of love. It is not only the thought in the mind of the giver that counts but in actually securing the gift and giving it as an expression of love. Gift-giving, which need not be expensive, is an investment in your relationship, fulfilling your spouse's emotional love tank. A more important gift is the gift of your self, when you are physically present when you are needed the most. Being in the hospital with your wife when she has a health problem or being around to cook chicken soup for your sick spouse are examples of self-presence, contextualized as the gift of presence.

Love Language 4. Acts of Service: Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming, paying the bills, fixing the leaky faucet, bathing the baby, and helping with house chores--these are all acts of service and when done with a positive spirit, they are expressions of love. However, love is a choice and cannot be coerced or demanded. Acts of service must stem from recognizing the emotional needs of your spouse. Show your love with the following examples: helping with house chores--"Today, I will show my love by..."(complete the sentence by doing some house chores); changing the nag into tag (what one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently?).

Love Language 5. Physical Touch: Physical touch is a way of communicating love. It includes holding hands, kissing, hugging and sexual intercourse. It can make or break a relationship. To touch your spouse in a way that is pleasurable is communicating love. Insisting on touching her/him your way and on your own time, in a manner that is uncomfortable or irritating can communicate the opposite. It implies that you are not sensitive to your spouse's needs and you care very little about her/his pleasure. We cannot always change events but we can survive if we feel loved and one way of experiencing love is to be touched. This is obvious when, in a crises or tragedy, family members would hug one another for comfort and solace.

Gary Chapman suggested three ways to discover your primary love language (out of the 5 languages):

What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you is probably your love language.
What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

So there you go, the book by Gary Chapman in summary form. I hope you can learn something about your language of love to help you improve your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Write your comments and leave your message by clicking the Comments link below.

Have a great week, dear readers!

Making Love Last

2011-02-11T15:20:00.002-07:00

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.

~Leo Buscaglia

No other personal investment is as risky and as painful as the love investment. Because the nature of love coincides with our deepest core as human beings, when love goes wrong our soul goes wrong. It is as though each molecule in our body aches and suffers. Either slowly or suddenly, we feel that the solid ground upon where we stand is not there anymore. We become insecure and our mind plays tricks on us. We ask so many whys and we engage in so many what ifs.

The statistics about marriages, which are supposedly contracted out of romantic love, are dismal. There were 71,783 divorces in Canada in 2001, the last year when statistics were available. In the US (see #2 Raw Numbers), there were 957,200 divorces in year 2000 (excluding the non-counting states), with most marriages ending in divorce in the early years of marriage. In the Philippines, a predominantly Catholic country, the Office of the Solicitor General received 43,617 cases of annulment and separation from 2001 to 2007.

We need to make enormous efforts in preventing our love relationships from going wrong, otherwise we could become part of the divorced or separated statistics. We cannot afford the wrenching pain that results when families are torn apart with children suffering the most. Therefore, the important question to ask ourselves is: How do we make love last?

I searched for evidenced-based journals to find out what can be done to make love last. However, there are no "fit-for-all" techniques that will ensure a lasting love because relationships are complex and contextual. Below are some vital strategies, a love map you might say, to make your love relationship last.

Communicate well. If the mantra for business is location, the mantra for love relationship is communication. We need a kind of communication that runs through the fabric of trust, respect, honesty, understanding, integrity, forgiveness, and compassion. The best form of communication is listening. We need to listen with our heart because what is usually unsaid is what is most important. Criticizing seldom works. What is effective are the following words: "I am sorry, please forgive me." "This is what I feel at the moment and this may not have anything to do with you." "This might hurt but here's the truth." "I would like to understand you better so tell me more." "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Be faithful. A relationship rarely survives infidelity. An affair strikes at the core of trust, even if it is just a one-night stand or even if there is no emotional attachment. It is a violation of sexual exclusivity between two people who are married or in a conjugal relationship. And it never "just happens." It takes motivation, opportunity, and planning (read Woman Who Stay With Men Who Stray). Buffer your relationship against the possibility of infidelity by prioritizing your relationship and paying attention to it. You need to spend quality time together (without the kids in tow) and refresh your intimacy, and make each other feel great, desirable, and wanted.

Make time for sex. Some time apart is healthy and even necessary to nurture one's self and pursue one's interests and dreams. However, don't put sex in the back burner. Try spending at least one weekend every two months alone with your partner. This will improve your sex life, mood, and relationship. Engage in pleasurable diversions in mini-honeymoons. Learn how to give and receive pleasure. Be an excellent lover!

Nourish each other. Do little things for each other everyday--the loving phone calls, the winks, the smile, the hugs, and the kind words. Cook for your mate once in a while or serve breakfast in bed. Remember those anniversaries--when you first met, your first kiss, and other wonderful events in your life together. These little things could add up to nourish your relationship and could cushion everyday stresses as well.

Be couple-centered. There is a tendency for couples to give their attention to their children and neglect each other. Recognize that you are there for each other first, that you are each other's best friend. Being parents comes after that. When a marriage is too-child centered, it will suffer. When you begin to call each other "Mommy" or "Daddy" it is time to go back to "Honey" or "Darling" to make you aware that you are still each other's lovers (and not each other's parent).

Manage your finances. Money problems is one of the leading causes of divorce or separation. Living up to the Joneses will create tension in your relationship. Remember that persons are more important than things. Live simply and want what you already have. Be honest about what you value and align your financial values in terms of affordability and need.

Accept each other. Acceptance requires respecting and affirming each other's uniqueness. It does not mean tolerating abuse, dishonesty, and unethical activities. It means letting each other be and giving each other the space to grow and blossom. It also means tossing aside the need to change each other to suit expectations and your want for perfection. Walk away from a relationship marked with chronic infidelity and abuse. Accepting each other should not involve suffering of this kind.

Be proactive. Start the day by asking yourself this question: "What can I do today for this person I love?" Initiate family activities--cooking together, playing together, shopping together. Develop family rituals--reading to kids before bedtime, praying before sleeping, celebrating special occasions. Establish connections with in-laws, relatives and friends.

There are other hundred little ways to make your love last. What I have outlined here are just the major ingredients that will have positive impact on your relationship.

If romance is like building a sandcastle, you then need to continually rebuild and ultimately create a stone castle.

I would like to close this write-up with a poem I wrote in October 1975 when I was 19 years old and a new English instructor. This was published in the Crusader Publication of Xavier University. This poem is my Valentine Day offering for all lovers in the world.

A Passionate Lover to Her Beloved

kiss me

with eager lips

but don't consume me

else nothing would remain of me.

touch me

with such delicious warmth

Oh, tenderly!

but don't cling too lightly

else it would become a necessity.

beloved,

passion is a crazy, tricky feeling.

kiss me....

touch me....

leave me half-awakened....

but forever wanting!

********

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! May you love with all your heart, mind and soul and receive whatever you dream of in love. May this earthly life be your paradise.

As always, I welcome comments, questions, and contributions from you, dear readers. Click the Comments link below and leave your message.

Conceptualizing Love

2011-02-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

While researching for evidenced-based journal articles about how to make love last, I came across an article by Beall and Sternberg (1995) about the social construction of love.

I will summarize the four conceptualizations of love they have mentioned for you. Let me know what you think by leaving your comments in the Comments section below.

Love is a universal emotional experience that is defined similarly in all cultures. This means that people in every culture experience love in the same way and all cultures share the same definition of love. Therefore, the definition and experience of love in Italy is the same in the US, in Canada, and in the Philippines. No real differences.

Love is a universal emotional experience that is defined differently in all cultures. In this view, people in every culture experience love in the same way, but cultures interpret the experience in different ways. Hence, some cultures might define love as infatuation while other cultures would define it as romance.
Love is not a universal emotional experience. It changes according to its cultural background; however, all cultures share roughly the same view of it. This means that people in different cultures experience love differently but define it similarly.
Love is not a universal emotional experience. It changes according to its cultural background and is viewed differently in various cultures. This means that love is experienced and defined differently in cultures across different times and places.

Beall and Sternberg argue that there can never be a universal definition of love because any definition must reflect its time period and place. In short, love has to be defined, understood, and contextualized culturally. And when cultures define love differently, they experience it differently. Hence, two people who have different conceptualizations of love will experience love differently.

I would beg to disagree with Beall and Sternberg. I think human beings share some commonalities despite cultural differences and one of these is love. In fact, people of all cultures understand love, not because of a formal, universal concept, but because they live it--they feel it, they breath it, they dream of it. People understand love when they see lovers hold hands or kiss, regardless of what epoch or place these lovers are from. They understand what love is when they see a mother cuddle her baby, regardless of her color or belief. Photos of lovers taken in the 16th century evoke feelings of tenderness or passion in all of us in the 21st century.

That is why Shakespeare is still read about today as he was during the Elizabethan period. His love sonnets depict passionate, tender feelings of people who are in love. There is nothing different in the understanding of love in Shakespeare's time and our time, even though he wrote about it from a different cultural milieu. An example of his love sonnet is below, telling us what love is:

...Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or Bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

What Shakespeare meant in this excerpt is that real love (one that has evolved from romantic love) does not change when certain aspects within or outside the relationship become different. It is dependable and tenacious despite hard times. Love is like a star that guides every traveller regardless of who he/she is.

If the definition and experience of love is culturally determined, there would be no shared universal values about love, marriage or family. There would be confusion, chaos and a lot of misunderstanding.

I was once married to a person who shared the same culture I have. That marriage, despite my attempts to save it for the sake of my two sons, did not endure. I am now in a relationship with a Canadian person, whose culture is different from mine. Yet we have a solid and loving relationship despite my constant complaining of the cold weather during winter and regardless of his aversion to durian and smell of salted fish.

It is the praxis of love, not its essence, that might be culturally defined. For instance, here in Canada, the age of consent (when one can engage in sex) used to be 14 but it has now been changed to 16. During my mother's time, a kiss could result in a quick marriage because it was considered scandalous. During my time, a kiss was okay but premarital sex was still disgraceful.

Let me end this writing with Singer's (1984) essentialist notion of love, cited by Hegi and Bergner (2010):

“The lover takes an interest in the other as a person, and not merely as a

commodity ...He bestows importance on her needs and her desires, even

when they do not further the satisfaction of his own ... In relation to the

lover, the other has become valuable for her own sake” (1984, p.6).

I am inviting my readers to write their comments below.

Watch for my next article on how to make love last. This is a Valentine's Day special article.

Until then, have a wonderful day and take care!

References:

Bealle, A. E. & Sternberg, R. J. (1995). The social construction of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 12(14). doi: 10.1177/0265407595123006.

Hegi, K. E. & Bergner, R. M. (2010). What is love? An empirically-based essentialist account. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(620). doi: 10.1177/0265407510369605.

Beyond Romantic Love

2011-01-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

"One never steps in the same river twice."

~Heraclitus

Relationships are temporal in nature. Like rivers, they flow through time and space and change as the properties of their environment, in which they are embedded, change. Therefore one of the truths we have to accept about romantic love is that it does not last. And it should not, because it is impossible to perpetuate the elation, excitement, obsession, and mood swings associated with it.

People who pledge that their love be "forever" is also vowing that the kind of love they feel today will stay the same. But relationships are affected by social and physical environments, economic components, and the biological changes associated with age, to name a few but important variables. Hence, you change, your partner changes, your interaction changes, and your love for each other changes.

Is love then doomed because of all these changes?

Numerous research in developmental psychology show that romantic love can progress and deepen into something like a semblance of "forever". When the sexual fervor gradually wanes, a comfortable, affectionate, and trusting love can begin to develop. Some psychologists call this "companionate love." It is also called "strong liking," "friendship love," "philias," and "conjugal love." It is called the "stuff of life" for many relationships and is considered as a better basis for a fulfilling marriage than romantic love (see Bercheid, 2010).

John Gottman's extensive research on marital relationships (read Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last) led him to conclude that the foundation of what he calls "a sound marital house" is friendship laced with fondness and admiration.

We therefore need to reconstruct our relationships from time to time in order to cope with the ongoing changes around us and within us. We need to be flexible in our love because this is a source of strength amidst the flow of life. Remember Aesop's fable of the mango tree and the bamboo tree? We should strive to be the bamboo tree when we love--pliant yet strong. The bamboo can bend close to the ground but can survive a storm. This is the nature of companionate love borne out of romance.

If you observe older couples whose love has survived, you wonder if your relationship will also survive 10 years or more from now. Ask people who have been married 20 years or more the secrets of their successful relationship. Chances are they could be any of the following: respect, mutual admiration, good communication, honesty, faithfulness, balance of similarities and differences, ability to resolve conflict, emotional intelligence, and commitment, to name some.

There is still so much to learn about love. In his book, If Love Could Think: Using Your Mind to Guide Your Heart, Alon Gratch quoted Rainer Maria Rilke that young people "must not forget, when they love, that they are beginners, bunglers of life, apprentices in love,--must learn love." When it comes to love, we are all young and we are all beginners.

I am inviting my readers to write their comments or questions below. Better still, I would be delighted to receive short stories of love from you.

Watch for my next article about why love fails. Until then, I wish you the best!

References:

Bercheid, E. (2010). Love in the fourth dimension. Annual Reviews of Psychology, 61, 1-25.

Romantic Love's Deception

2011-01-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

"Falling in love is not the most stupid thing that people do

but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it."

~Albert Einstein

Have you ever fallen in love in the past and wondered why it didn't last? You thought about the reasons for its failure: Perhaps you were worlds apart. You were more intelligent than the other person. He drunk too much. She was the gold-digger type. He womanized behind your back. She was a shopaholic. He was irresponsible. She was a nagger. And the list could go on.

This "falling in love" experience, which is the early stage of romantic love, happens not just to young people but to middle-agers as well. No one is immune to the magic of this type of love, which has many aliases, including "romantic love," "passionate love," "erotic love," and "obsessive love".

Falling in love is like an accidental tumble which you have little control of. Yet you feel so sure that he/she is the only one for you. You pledge your undying love. You cannot live without this person who has become the center of your world. Your world expands to allow this person to become an inner dweller and the rest of the world recedes when you are with this person. He/she is the only one that matters.

Theories of romantic love link it to sensual feelings, sexual desire, and attraction. Helen Fisher, whose research on romantic love is focused on the brain using a functional NMR brain scanner, has characterized romantic love as an intense craving, an "intolerable neural itch". She found out that those who are madly in love are obsessed, they lose their sense of self, and it's like "somebody is camping on your head."

In her book, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, Helen Fisher describes romantic love as lust and attachment. When you are romantically in love, your brain releases dopamine (the liquor of romance) which in turn stimulates the release of testosterone (the hormone of sexual desire). Novel experiences increase levels of dopamine in your brain that triggers the chemistry of lust. This explains why a new relationship can feel so wonderful and you feel giddy with happiness and desire.

However, romantic love has a time limit. You cannot always be sexually excited and passionate. As time goes by (a few months, a year or more), predictability grows, erotic satisfaction becomes readily available, and the sexual stupor, characteristic of falling in love, wanes. For instance, studies show that sexual activity in married couples declines with the partners' age and length of marriage (see Berscheid, 2010).

It is no wonder that some married people engage in extramarital affairs. They think that because their relationship no longer brings excitement and unabashed sexuality that they have "fallen out of love" and that the whole thing was a mistake. Enters the new person in the extramarital affair who brings novelty and excitement. Again, the same thing happens--they fall in love. However, if they live with their lover for some time, the same thing happens afterwards--love wanes. The newness disappears and in it familiarity sets in. The falling out of love happens again.

Romantic love's deception gives us a false perception of eternal love. This perception of eternal love is really clothed in temporality. Romantic love gives us a false sense of security, and a flawed belief that the other person is the only one.

Perhaps romantic love is necessary for the propagation of the species. Or to make us feel intensely about another human being, knowing that we can die sooner or later. If it were not for death, we would not have hungered for love, even the romantic kind.

What to do to evade romantic love's deception? Or how do you go beyond the "falling in love" stage into the "standing in love" level?

That is my next article. Watch for it.

Meanwhile, I am inviting readers to participate by sharing their ideas or stories about their experience of romantic love. You can now post your comments below without awaiting moderation from me.

References:

Bercheid, E. (2010). Love in the fourth dimension. Annual Reviews of Psychology, 61, 1-25.

How To Become An Excellent Lover (Republished)

2011-01-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers: I am re-publishing a short article I wrote 11 years ago, in 2000. It was published as one of the Weekly Tips in my website which was then hosted by Bizland.com. My Bizland website is now gone but I thought I would like to share this article with you hoping that the tips here will contribute to your relationship in a positive way.

*********

1. Begin by loving, accepting, and trusting yourself.

2. Know that being a lover is not about sex and love-making alone but it is primarily what you do to yourself.

3. Develop your character. The inner patterns of the self determines your relationship with your beloved. Honesty for example goes a long way in creating an exciting sex life.

4. Recognize your beloved's worth as a person. Valuing him/her extends to the bedroom--every kiss and every caress becomes a meaningful discovery of your beloved, savored and enjoyed to the fullest extent because you validate his/her preciousness and uniqueness.

5. Learn to read your beloved's body language. Be sensitive to every word, look, moan and quiver.

6. Know your lover's sexual needs and be bold in fulfilling each other's sexual fantasies for as long as they are not demeaning and painful.

7. Be creative. Explore and seduce each other. Try to achieve various erotic moods--tender, romantic, languid, passionate, intense, and sizzling.

8. Read and research about sex to be informed but don't be bookish. The best source of sexual knowledge and skill is still your beloved.

9. Continue to tease and seduce each other in various settings and in many ways. Use your senses and be sensuous. Use all parts of your body to give and receive pleasure.

10. Let go and be free. Give and receive pleasure without fear, doubt and guilt. This presumes that you have the right motive, the right time, the right situation, and the right person.

Watch for my next article on romantic love next week. As always, I welcome your thoughts, comments, and contributions. Please feel free to write them in the Comments section below.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Re-publishing: Asbestos - Repeat Call for Universal Ban Is Issued

2011-01-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am re-publishing the article I wrote, which appeared in NaturalNews last Nov. 20, 2010, about the repeat call for a universal ban on asbestos. This is an urgent matter of great importance to our health and to the health of our children and grandchildren. I have done a few revisions here and added links for more information. ~Amy Chaves

**********

The Collegium Ramazzini, an independent, internationally renowned academy comprising of 184 top-notched scientists in the fields of occupational and environmental health, has issued a repeat call for a universal ban on asbestos. The first universal ban was issued in 1999. The 2010 repeat call for a universal ban is based on numerous research over the years which indicated that all forms of asbestos are proven human carcinogens and exposure to any type carries health risks, most notably, cancer. The Collegium Ramazzini, whose headquarter is in Italy, has termed all asbestos-related cancer as a pandemic.

Asbestos is a natural mineral, strong enough to resist high temperatures and chemical attack, yet so flexible that its crystals can be made into yarn, woven into cloths, or braided into ropes. Historically, it has been used for over 4,500 years. It has been used in buildings for insulation, and also widely used in transportation and electrical appliances, mixed frequently with other materials.

Asbestos has been known to cause asbestosis, a progressive and debilitating fibrotic lung disease. All forms of asbestos also cause malignant mesothelioma and lung and laryngeal cancers. They can also cause ovarian, gastrointestinal, and other cancers.

The Collegium Ramazzini report mentioned that worldwide, cancer deaths in workers exposed to asbestos is estimated to be 100,000 to 140,000 yearly. In Northern America, Western Europe, and Japan, 20,000 new cases of lung cancer and 10,000 cases of mesothelioma yearly are caused from exposure to asbestos. In 2006, death from mesothelioma was highest in Britain, with 1,740 deaths in men and 316 deaths in women, compared to other countries. It is expected that Australia's high incidence of mesothelioma will reach 18,000 by 2020.

There are two studies worth mentioning that illustrate the ill effects of asbestos, based from the Collegium Ramazzini report. One was a historical, cohort mortality study conducted in 2007 in Libby, Montana, which showed that Libby workers who were exposed to asbestos-contaminated vermiculite were more likely to die from asbestosis, lung cancer, cancer of the pleura, and mesothelioma. Another study conducted in Canada in 2005, revealed a sevenfold increase in mortality rate from pleural cancer of women residing in Canadian asbestos mining communities.

Although asbestos has been banned in 52 countries and safer products are now being used to replace it, a large number of countries continue to use, export, and import asbestos and asbestos-containing products, according to the Collegium Ramazzini report. In developing countries, where asbestos is imported in large quantities for construction purposes, dust contamination has been found to accumulate in thousands of communities. It is almost impossible to control exposure once asbestos settles in various buildings and places.

One country that has used its influence in international organizations to protect its export market for asbestos and has aggressively promoted the use of asbestos in developing countries is Canada (LaDou, 2004). It is the largest asbestos exporting country in the world, next to Russia and China, based on a US Geological Survey in 2000. With the asbestos multinational corporations gone, Canada stands out as the most powerful opponent of international efforts to ban asbestos, according to LaDou.

The Collegium Ramazzini considers the asbestos-related illnesses and deaths as a tragic pandemic that can be prevented. Since the risks of exposure to asbestos cannot be controlled by technology or work practices regulation, an international ban on the mining and use of asbestos is urgently needed. The Collegium Ramazzini is therefore asking all countries of the world to join in the international endeavor to ban all forms of asbestos as an obligation to their citizens.

References:

Collegium Ramazzini (2010). Asbestos is still with us: Repeat call for a universal ban. American Journal of Industrial Medicine. DOI 10.1002/ajim.20892.

LaDou, J. (2004). The asbestos cancer epidemic. Environmental Health Perspectives, 112(3), 285-289.

Sullivan, P. A. (2007). Vermiculite, respiratory disease, and asbestos exposure in Libby, Montana: Update of a cohort mortality study. Environmental Health Perspectives, 115(4), 579-585.

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