Amy Jo Stays Home

How the Fly Lady is Changing my Life!:)

2013-01-28T05:21:00.002-08:00

So if you haven't heard of the FlyLady program by now, I am hear to tell you about it. I had actually heard of it a year or so ago but just recently dove in.

What does the FLY stand for?? Finally Loving Yourself! The essence of the FREE (yep free) program is that she helps you to create good habits for a cleaner, stress free, living environment that will, in turn, make you feel better about you and the way you live.

Sound like a stretch? I kind of thought so too, but I must say, two weeks in, when I woke up today with my sink clean, dishes done, laundry almost caught up, and dining room table clutter-free, I felt good-no GREAT about it.

The FlyLady program starts with signing up for the emails and newsletter-all free, reading your flying lessons, and then following some beginner "Babysteps" each day for a month.

It sounds simple, and it is, but it somehow gives me the plan and structure that I need. After you get the Babysteps under control, the emails guide you through weekly and monthly tasks designed to keep your whole home sparkling and under control.

I was MORE than skeptical when I started this program but it is WORKING for me! I have a long ways to go, but for the first time I do not feel guilty about how my house looks and what isn't done-I see it all as a work in progress and it is getting better every day!

A Book for every overworked, frustrated, desperate, or just plain tired Mama

2013-01-17T04:48:00.000-08:00

Okay I have started reading a new book and I have to say it is EXACTLY what I needed. This book, entitled Desperate... Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe, has already helped me SO much to see how I am robbing myself from the joy of being a mother, how I need to restore God's place in my home and in my life, and how I can stop feeling like such a failure!I realize that I am sounding like an infomercial but I swear to you I have just started reading this book and I already feel exactly what it promised...HOPE!

ORDER YOURS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

If you have ever felt like life is just too much and that you can not possible get out of bed and deal with your children, house, and husband, this book is for you. Sometimes God makes us stumble upon just the right book at just the right time and I am SO glad he led me to this one:)

Many of the trials and struggles are so close to my own that I feel I could have written them myself! I think that being a stay at home mom is such an isolating experience, and this book reminds me that not only am I not alone, my feelings are normal and that they can be changed. I literally can not wait to finish this post and keep reading.

If you know me, you know how cheap I am, but this is the best $10 I have spent in a long time!
One of the writers also has a blog that I have followed for a while and really enjoy called Sarah Mae. Check it out! You just may find that she inspires you as much as she does me!

Glub... Glub...Glub...

2013-01-16T04:34:00.001-08:00

I have been having a really hard time getting to this blog lately. As a matter of fact, I am having a hard time getting to much of anything. I am in survival mode. Just the normal " have tos" have me exhausted, frustrated, and drowning.

I love my life. But lately, I just can't seem to keep my head above water. Maya is an emotional wreck, Aidan is I whirlwind of violence, Lucy is Lucy which is enough to drive anyone crazy, and I feel horrible.

My head spins with possible surgeries for my gallbladder if things get infected, I hear the warnings the Dr.s have given me over and over in my head...if the surgery becomes unavoidable, there are no guarantees for " the fetus". I hate when they call her that. She has a name.

I am not so shallow or self absorbed to believe that it couldn't be worse. Of course it could. Many others have worse situations, I am aware. But at the same time, I am tired of having to pretend that I am not worried, tired, or upset about my own situation.

I feel like a walking time bomb. I am terrified every time I eat. I am terrified to not eat because of the baby. Every time Aidan bites me and I react in anger I feel guilty, if I don't react, I feel like I am ruining his life, if I react and he doesn't respond I feel like an epic fail as well.

Maya is finally getting to an easier stage,but she is so stubborn that if I back her into a corner she will literally do ANYTHING to win. Yesterday she refused to go potty because I suggested it, and then intentionally peed on the floor... Twice.

All this while exhausted, pregnant, and in a constant state of nausea and eating nothing but cold cuts and has me spinning. I can't help but wonder if all the rude people were right. What was I thinking to believe I could handle another baby? I am a mess.

All these feelings circle in my head, a train droning on, and I want to cry. But then it happens.

A little wiggle begins in my stomach and a tiny foot begins to remind me that I am supremely blessed. Or Maya will run up to me , throw her arms around me, give me a kiss, and tell me that " we're married". Even little Aidan surprises me at times, as he runs to me climbs in my lap, and caresses my face... " nice mama"...

These nuggets get me through, small reminders of why it's all worth it, why I matter, why it will all be okay.

So today, I start again. Each day is a new beginning. I take a deep breath, smile that a date to Titanic 14 years ago has led me to all of this, and jump back in. Today, maybe it will feel like swimming instead of drowning, I have always loved to swim.

Starbucks BOGO free holiday drinks today through Sunday 2-5 pm

2012-12-13T05:58:00.000-08:00

Starbucks BOGO holiday drinks offer is back! Perfect for while you are out finishing up those last minute gifts! December 13-16, 2-5 ONLY! ENJOY :)

Amazon toy lightning deals -Toy Dyson at noon!

2012-12-12T08:18:00.002-08:00

I am totally stalking this-I hope it is SUPER cheap because well, I AM SUPER CHEAP, and I know my boy would love this. He is crazy about our vacuum and this looks just like it! ADORABLE!! It goes on sale at 12:00 and then we can see how cheap it is:)

Toy Dyson Vaccum goes on sale at NOON SO CUTE!!

Toy Clearance at JcPenney!

2012-12-09T12:31:00.000-08:00

Jcpenney's has some great deals online for toys! Ship to store is free:)

Some of my favorite deals are:

This adorable play Gas Pump for just $17-Regularly $50

Rock n Ride Pony $25 regularly $40

Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Magic Scan Market $15 Regularly $30

Little Tikes Victorian Playhouse $23-Regularly $46

Lots more too! Also for today only get an extra 20% off and free shipping over $50 if you use the code 20FORYOU :)

2012-12-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Check out these great deals on Leapfrog toys !! Leapfrog Deals on Amazon

Some of the highlights include:

LeapsterGS Explorer Regularly $69.99 for $39.99

Or the Leapster Explorer Regularly $69.99 for $39.99

Alot of the software and cases are on sale too!! Check it out!

American Girl Doll Cecile or Marie-Grace $50 + shipping!!!!

2012-12-05T06:50:00.001-08:00

OKAY GO NOW-to this link American Girl Doll website, put cecile doll or marie-grace or the canopy bed in your cart-go to checkout and enter JILLOFFER in the key code spot-get these dolls for just FIFTY DOLLARS each!!!! I just got them but they will be gone SOON You can even buy all three! This is 60% off and these NEVER go on sale!! The discount will show after you move to the final page of checkout but before you confirm your purchase:)

Retail $129 now $50!

Retail $129 Now $50!

Walmart Online Has Black Friday prices on Crayola Markers and Crayons!

2012-12-02T05:05:00.002-08:00

I missed the great crayon and marker deals on black friday deals and markers are one of the 3 things on Maya's list. Luckily, Walmart.com is running the same price right now with free shipping to your local store! These 70 piece sets are only $8.88 and they have way more wow factor than the boring old box!These are selling on Amazon for $23 each! I ordered her both! Some gifts are great for any age and this is one of them!!

Twistable Colored Pencils and Crayon Set

Washable Marker Set

Free 5x7 Santa Photo 10-2 today at walmart!

2012-12-02T04:56:00.001-08:00

This is a great freebie if your location is participating-check here to see! For you locals I check Flint, burton, Adrian, and Wauseon (for my hometown friends) and they were all on the list! There are TONS of participating ones! If you want to search the long list, just hit hit ctrl and F at the same time and type in your town and it will search the document:) Enjoy!!

FREE kindle ebook of "The Night Before Christmas" HURRY!

2012-11-14T10:09:00.001-08:00

Amazon has a free ebook copy of "The Night Before Christmas" right now!

Follow this link, confirm the price is zero, and download to your kindle or ipad kindle app:)

BOGO Starbucks Holiday Drinks starting tomorrow!

2012-11-14T10:06:00.001-08:00

I just saw this on one of my favorite websites, refundcents!!

Go to Starbucks 11/15- 11/18 for B1G1F Holiday Beverages. Choose Caramel Brulee Latte, Peppermint Mocha, Gingerbread Latte. Good in-store from 2-5pm.

YUMMY! I don't let myself splurge there often but maybe now is the time!!!

HOT Kroger Deals This Week!!

2012-11-14T04:12:00.002-08:00

I really scored at Kroger last night! I am super lucky, as my Kroger store doubles coupons up to $1.00 :) But in their new buy 4 items get $4 off promotion I got the following:

3 packages pampers wipes SUPER DEAL (price after discount .99 cents-$1.00 coupon=free)
1 bottle of aussie style spray
2 bottles of dawn dish soap-power soaking
1 covergirl eyeshadow-for maya to play with LOL
1 febreeze air freshenerer spray
1 febreeze set and refresh air freshener
2 huge oil of olay body washes
1 scope mouthwash
1 gillette shave gel

and all for the low, low price of ...drumroll please....

$4.06!!!!! I love couponing!

HOT DEAL ALERT!! Melissa and Doug Toys 60% off!

2012-11-11T06:53:00.004-08:00

I am a fanatic for Melissa and Doug toys, it is my all time favorite brand and I recently made an awesome discovery. They are carried at Michael's Craft stores!! They have 50 and 60% off coupons almost every week and they also take Joann's coupons! I scored this great cardboard block set for $12 with a 50% off coupon and it is on sale for $23 on Amazon!!

I will be going back once I round up some more coupons! This week their ad has a 60% off one and you can sign up for mobile coupons too! I saw lots of other items including these:

I think the regular price for most of the sets was a little higher than some places-$22, but at 60% off it's a great deal!! There were lots more also!!

Worry....Why Do I Let Myself Worry???

2012-11-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

So, unless you are in my inner circle (you know who you are) you may not know this, but I am a closet worrier. I work very hard at hiding this fact from others. As a a matter of fact, I not only hide my own worry, I protect OTHER people in my life so they won't worry either. I tend to sugar coat, downplay, and appear downright cold and fearless in the face of life's struggles. But since this blog is all about letting people into my brain, I am going to be honest with you, my brain has been chock full of anxiety and questions for the last 48 hours.

As most of you know, I am sixteen weeks pregnant with my third child. I pretty much lived in a CONSTANT state of worry for my other two pregnancies, but this time I decided to be different. So once I heard that tiny heartbeat, I decided to do my best to trust God and enjoy the ride. You see, worry steals our joy. It eats away at us. When things are going well, it makes us hold our breathe waiting for something to go wrong. When things are going wrong it eats into our faith and makes us feel like we are tossed into a storm of random tragedy. Worry makes us forget that our God is in control.

I had been doing pretty well at this (for me) until my son got sick. Now, fifth's disease is not a big deal for a child so I was really quite glad that my son's strange illness was so harmless. He should be back to new in no time. But then I was blind-sided by the fact that it is dangerous for babies in utero, fatally dangerous at times. My doctor immediately sent me for blood work to see if I had indeed been exposed to or contracted the disease. Now, I wait....Clocks tick, the furnace kicks in, I hear my husband sleeping away, but I wait... My brain can not let go of the possibilities.

Now I could dwell on the positives here, as there are many. I may be immune already, 50% of adults are. I may not have caught it even if I'm not. Even if I DO have it, not all mommas pass it to their babies, and out of those babies, many are completely fine, 9 out of 10 actually.

I want so desperately to think about those things, and to believe them. This is the information I use to reassure everyone else, but it is lost on me. Maybe because I already KNOW this baby. Maybe because it is already tickling my stomach and sharing my blood. But my mind can not see this baby as a 9 in 10 chance, or even a 9 in a 1000 chance. This baby is mine.

No I can only continue to dwell on the 1 in 10. The baby that never comes home.

Probably it will all be okay. Probably I am immune. Probably when I get my labs it will all be fine and you will all forget about this, writing it off as a mom who worried too much about the future. But I can assure you,

I won't.

I will never forget this fear, like my own heart might stop beating. May it make me forever humble and overwhelmed by the grace of my God, one who has given me two healthy children, and just may see fit to give me this one too.

Thoughts on Number Three

2012-10-30T10:47:00.001-07:00

So, My husband and I are expecting our third child in April. We are thrilled and excited. I always feel like being pregnant is such a beautiful gift and waiting to meet the new family member is much like the anticipation of Christmas as a child.

While I admit that my family is growing rapidly, I will have a three year old and a nearly two year old when number three gets here, I have been shocked, appalled, and down-right hurt by the some of the comments I have gotten regarding this pregnancy.

Of course my family and friends have been supportive and wonderful but some of my acquaintances have been completely ridiculous.

Some exact quotes from people that I shared the news with include:

"Wow, maybe you should learn to keep your legs closed"

"are you trying to break some kind of record"

" you know what causes this, right?"

"like you aren't having enough problems with the kids you already have?"

And maybe the most hurtful of all, a simple eye roll just to let me know how stupid I am.

Since I am kind of a wimp when it comes to confrontation, here is my response to them.

This baby was not an accident, no baby is. This baby is a beautiful hoped for, dreamed about, answer to prayer. I am not breaking any records, as a matter of fact three children is not really a ridiculous amount,I would welcome more. My mom had seven children and I was the last, so I am glad she was not as selfish or shallow as you people all seem to be or I wouldn't even be here.

Yes I have problems with my kids. Everyone does. Maybe the difference is that I am willing to share them and my failures with other people.

And lastly, to the eye rollers, although I don't need to explain myself to you, I will.

There are many reasons we should not have another baby. Your eye rolls were probably thinking about them. Maybe you were reminding me of the fact that we are outgrowing our house, or that we don't make a lot of money, or maybe it's the fact that we will not be able to have "our own" lives.

Maybe you were alluding to the fact that our kids will not get new cars for their 16th birthdays, or that they will need loans for college, maybe you were looking at us and thinking that the last thing we need is more to do, less sleep, and more responsibility.

Maybe all of these things are true, maybe. But to me, they just don't matter.

No all of these reasons, excuses, are wasted on me. You see no number of cons could ever add up to enough to erase the one pro on my list.

Two tiny hands with fingernails like tiny polka dots, eyes staring into mine trusting, loving, and waiting for life to begin. The smallest cry in the middle of the night for our late night feeding, the first smile, the first word....

One tiny reason and it blows all yours away, one tiny heart beating away and already capturing my own.

Cake Batter Rice Crispie Treat Cookies---DELISH!!

2012-10-26T10:59:00.001-07:00

When I stumbled upon these on Pinterest, I was intrigued. I had a hard time believing that anyone could really IMPROVE a rice crispy treat because they are so awesome as-is. I went to Gimme Some Oven for the recipe and let me tell you, it has been done! These treats were just as easy as the original and even MORE delish!

The recipe is basically just normal rice crispy treat cookies plus 1/3 cup yellow cake mix and sprinkles half stirred in and half on the top! How easy is that?? The full recipe and instructions are available at her blog that I linked above!

The cake mix cuts out some of the straight sugar flavor and gives it an extra punch that is just out of this world! I can't wait to try it with other flavors and mix-ins! I know I am going to enjoy personalizing this one-and eating it too!

Beating the Funk

2012-10-25T18:10:00.001-07:00

I seem to have found myself in a funk. Funks can be tricky. They don't come in as obviously as you would think. There is no definite starting point or a moment you can pinpoint or blame. No, funks are sneaky.

One day you realize you are frowning more than you are smiling. Or perhaps, you notice that you can't remember the last time you laughed. The glass starts looking half empty, and it seems there is more to complain about than to be grateful for.

That has been me lately. The funny thing about funks is that they self- perpetuate. Once you become negative, your funk becomes everyone's problem. You are overly sensitive and that comment your husband makes that would usually makes you laugh makes you mad instead.

Still angry from that, you yell angrily at the toddler who has spilled her drink on the floor. She is crushed but she won't say that,she will just look for another way to get you back. Probably, she will fill your sink with toothpaste.

Frustrated, both from the mess and the fact that you blew up at her, you will check on your son who you can smell from across the room. You will angrily pick him up and carry him to change him. He will sense your hostility ( from pooping his diaper? Like he has a choice) and begin to cry.

Now everyone is unhappy. And do you know how that makes you feel? Yep. Even less happy than before. So the cycle continues... That is until you stop it.

Today, I decided to stop the funk. I am done letting the little things bog me down. I do not want to live full of worry and regret, I want my joy back! I am trying to smile more, to dance in the kitchen more, to tickle more, to forgive quicker and anger slower. And you know what ? I think it's working!!

Choose joy. Life is short and the ones you love deserve your best.

Great Gift Idea #1-Sears 4 Qt Slow Cooker for $10 and free shipping shipped to store!

2012-10-22T04:55:00.001-07:00

I am going to be posting some deals on my blog as well as my normal musings:) If you know me , you know I love to save money. I frequent tons of savings and deal blogs every day and want to pass on these deals to my readers! On the Sears website they have a 4 Qt crockpot for $10. This is a great price and would be a great gift for someone starting out or even a college kid in an apartment:) Select ship-to-store and you also pay no shipping, just pick it up at your nearest Sears when it comes in!

Click here to go to the Sears website for the $10 Crockpot

There are some great ways to personalize this gift too! Include a book of your favorite recipes or this great book, available on Amazon from a penny + shipping if you don't mind used books!

The Complete Slow Cooker Cookbook

Or you could include a grocery chain gift card inside, kitchen utensils, or dish towels!

Watch my blog for more creative gift ideas on the cheap:)

Reaching in the Dark

2012-10-12T05:05:00.001-07:00

So after some advice from a friend yesterday, I came to the conclusion that not everything in life is a battle. I have always struggled with the concept of whether what a child needs or wants today is not always what is the best for them in the long run. I think that having this farsighted vision makes me feel like a better mom. But maybe sometimes, today is simply a day we are given to love our babies like crazy. Maybe sometimes, we need to be less practical, less "by the books" and more just "mommy".

So last night, after making Maya go to bed in her own bed. I went to bed with a plan. Not a plan to fix her, to train her, or to "beat her" at this bedtime war. No, I went to bed with a plan simply to love her, however she wanted me to, however she needed me to.

Sure enough at 1 AM I heard her little voice calling out to me. "Mommy?" " Mooooommmmy???" Already things were different. The pressure and frustration I usually feel when she calls my name were gone. Instead of viewing this as a battle I was losing or a task I was failing, I saw it for what it was a beautiful baby girl who wanted to be held. How could I have been so blind? I went to her room and saw her there, beautiful blond hair messy from sleep, eyes big and happy to see me. "I was trying to sleep mommy but I woked up", she said with a smile.

The freedom I felt from being able to follow my instincts without guilt was amazing. I scooped her up and kissed her and carried into my bed. I tucked her in, told her I loved her and she looked with me with her sleepy little eyes and said "Thank you mommy, I just want you close".

It took all I had to hide my tears from her. All these nights that I thought I was winning, all these struggles of doing what was right. They left me fighting my heart, my motherly instincts, and they left her reaching in the dark for a mommy that was busy being right.

She went right back to sleep last night, she's actually still sleeping up there now, a tiny girl in a big fluffy bed. Through the night she would wake up, eyes still closed, and I would feel a tiny little hand grasping in the air until it touched my face. I would hear a tiny almost imperceptible sigh of relief as she drifted back to sleep. A sigh I will carry in my heart forever, that for her, the most beautiful three year old in the world, I was enough.

Judge me if you must. I may be failing by your standards Honestly, up until yesterday, this would be failing by my own. But maybe I just don't care. Will it be harder for her later because of this? Maybe. Am I hindering her ability to sleep alone? Perhaps. But I guess we will cross those bridges when we come to them. For now, my little girl believes that I care more about her than my rules and that is what matters to me.

Problems in the Bedroom ???

2012-10-11T05:15:00.001-07:00

Since my children were old enough to sleep through the night, I have had a pretty fantastic experience. Maya has just always been the type of kid who asked to go to nap if we forgot to put her down. She never cries at bedtime, and has always rolled over and went back to sleep if she woke up in the night. Aidan is the same way. We plop into bed, he smiles, waves and closes his eyes. We don't hear from him again until around 8 AM the next morning. Now, I have always kind of taken pride in the fact that my kids were great sleepers. I know that it is not necessarily a reflection on me, but I always seem to use my children's successes as a benchmark for my success. Now that I think about it, that's pretty narcissistic but hey-I'm being honest here. But if I am going to take credit for the last three years of great sleeping habits, then I guess it's only fair that the last month has left me feeling like an epic fail in that area.

Maya won't sleep.

My little girl, who has never had ONE issue with sleeping is now a complete mess when it comes to bedtime. She will go to bed, but gets frantic as soon as I tuck her in. Begging me not to leave her, clinging to my neck, crying until she is out of breath and a complete disaster. I sit with her, pat her, talk to her, she is perfectly happy, calm, nearly asleep...but the moment I get up to leave her room it starts again. It is exhausting and emotionally horrific to go through. Last night we did this 12 times before she finally stayed in her bed.

I have gone through every school of thought on how to handle this. I have tried ignoring her, but honestly I can't. I have struggled with sleeping most of my life and I remember how desperately I needed to so my mother on those scary nights. I have tried comforting her with as much patience as a mom can muster at 3 in the morning when she has been in her daughter's bedroom 12 times in a row. I bought her a new night light, added some white noise, prayed for hours on end...to no avail. Each time she wakes up in the night, it starts over. It destroys me.

I am not getting sleep. She is not getting sleep. We are walking disasters. But even more than that I think it bothers me that I feel so lost on what to do for her. I have reached the moment I feared most of becoming a parent. The moment when there doesn't seem to be a right answer. No quick fix on google, no product that solves it, no book that can explain it away. I feel like I have been exposed as the completely clueless adolescent that I am on the inside. I am not a super mom, I am not even a grown up. No, honestly, I want to lie in my bed and cry just like she does on these nights. She has found the chink in my armor. She now sees that not all things are in my control.

For the first time I can not calm her fears or solve her problem. I am failing her, and it hurts like crazy.

Making life Simpler DAY ONE-Freezer Breakfasts

2012-09-11T05:48:00.001-07:00

So in a quest to make life more like playing with my kids and less like working with my kids, I have decided to make some changes that will save me time and money. The first change is going to be making freezer breakfasts. I hate the drudgery of cooking breakfast every morning so I am quitting:) I am going to make a bunch of big batches for the fridge and freezer and have healthy microwavable breakfasts for my kiddos:)

On the list for today are breakfast burritos, freezer waffles, and pancakes. I am also going to do a big batch of just the breakfast burrito filling for Aidan. Although today is going to result in a messy kitchen and alot of work-think of the time I will save every day!

I figure I spend atleast 15 minutes making breakfasts each day and then 5-10 minutes doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. So let's say I use 25 minutes x7=175 minutes or almost THREE HOURS of my life back:)

Three hours is alot of cuddling, book reading, and spending time doing what I love-producing giggles:)

It Is an Honor to be Nominated

2012-09-10T05:44:00.002-07:00

Lately, it has become really easy to complain. I haven't been feeling well. My husband had to go back to work. It seems like we never see him with school, and football practice, and game nights.

We are adjusting back to life on our own. The kids miss him and are grumpier than ever. Aidan is nothing short of King Kong. He hits and kicks and climbs CONSTANTLY. He is the world's cutest wrecking ball. Maya is an emotional disaster. She misses him. She misses the one on one time we have when there are two parents in the house. She is hurting. She doesn't say this. You see when a two year old hurts she breaks something, or covers something in marker. This is her language.

Everyday is beginning to feel like an epic fail. Never accomplishing as much as I should. Never being as good as I could. Never quite cutting it.

At night I lie down and pout. I complain about how tired I am, how much work it all is, how unfair life is...

Who is this person? This is not me. I am a positive person, a fighter, a worker, a striver. So after a good long cry and a prayer for help and forgiveness for this little brat act I have been been pulling, it is time for a new perspective.

I don't feel good. Yeah, so??? I am a healthy, functioning mother of two. My body is able, and I am blessed beyond measure to have it.

My kids are crazy...well yes. But how many people would do anything to have a child, not to mention my amazing kids!! They are my everything. They are amazing. They are the energy that runs this house.

As far as feeling like an epic fail, I think I have to stop making this a competition. I am not a perfect mom. I never will be. But I am not even sure I want to be. I want to be a fun mom. A mom that makes mistakes and admits it, a mom that says she's sorry. A mom with more kisses than spankings and more smiles than tears.

As far as life being unfair. Well, I think I had that part right. Who am I to deserve this? A God who loves me, two beautiful children to love and raise, a beautiful (albeit messy) home to live in, and a husband that works feverishly to support our family. God has given me so much more than what is fair, so much more than i deserve. I am just. so. blessed.

In this great oscars ceremony of mommyhood I am done focusing on winning best picture, I think for now it is an honor to be nominated.

Go Rogue

2012-08-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I am just blown away by the sweet little daughter that God has given me. This morning at 3:15, I heard Maya's tiny little feet running across her room. This was quickly followed by her shouting "Hello?", "Hellllllooo????" I am very sensitive to her need to see me in the middle of the night. I was never a good sleeper. I spent many nights snuggled in with my mom sitting on the edge of my bed-all the way into middle school, so I could fall back to sleep after a bad dream.

I went to the hallway and saw her standing there-already prepared for her trip-pink blanket hanging over her shoulder, cup in hand, and the sweetest, sleepiest grin on her face. "Mommy, I was thinking I could come lay with you now??" Her eyes watched me expectantly, waiting for my usual answer. Normally at this time I walk her back to her bed and climb in with her. I tell her a story and tickle her toes and say goodnight again...but not this time. Sometimes it is not worth it to follow the rules. Sometimes, the rules are made to be broken.

Seeing this tiny person with so much hope and expectancy in her eyes, left me no choice. I swept her up in my arms and brought her into my bed. I laid her on my pillow and whispered to her that she couldn't talk-it was late and we needed to sleep. I closed my eyes and I felt two tiny hands softly touch my face. A tiny pair of lips kissed me. And in a whisper barely audible although we were only inches apart I heard her say " I love you Momma."

I am a structured mom. I believe in rules and consequences, responsibilities, bed times and routines. But sometimes, it is worth it to go rogue. You might just find yourself making a memory...

I wish....

2012-06-11T04:28:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wish that I was as cold and detached as I pretend to be. I am not. I have feelings and they get hurt. Often.

Sometimes I wish that I was as brave as people think. I am not fearless. I have a hard time putting myself out there. I am terrified of birds, being laughed at, and failing.

Sometimes I wish I was better. Better at listening, more patient, more forgiving. I wish I cared more about being nice than I did about being right. I wish I yelled less. I hate how much anger I carry just beneath my skin.

I wish I did more for others. I love to give, but time seems so tight that I never seem to have any left to share.

Sometimes I wish I had more money. I don't need to be rich, but I would love
to be able to forget about the bills that are rolling in. I wish we could travel more and take our kids on fabulous vacations.

I wish I was graceful. I have always been awkward and downright clumsy. I am constantly tripping, falling, and tromping about. I wish I floated into rooms like Audrey Hepburn did.

I wish there was some way to lose this weight once and for all. I am so tired
Of losing and regaining this same 30 pounds. It is hard to even try again. I have lost faith in myself. I don't believe
I will ever be thin.

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. Someone smarter, prettier, taller. I wish I lived somewhere exotic and picked fresh mango for lunch, right off the tree. I wish that I only had to be myself and that that would be enough. I wish I could sleep until noon on a beach of soft sand and that the waves would rock me to sleep.

Sometimes I wish I was 8 again, climbing cherry trees. Life was so simple then.

But then I realize that all these things that I wish I could change, are what have made me me. They have brought me here. They have worked together to build me this life and make me who I am today. With two tiny arms wrapped around my thigh and a baby on my hip, how could I ever want it any other way?

A cold mother wouldn't be a kind one. I need that warmth when there are broken legs or broken hearts to heal.

Maybe I am braver than I think. I brought two children into this world without blinking or even once doubting my decision.

I may not do a lot for others, but I give of myself to my own family everyday, asking nothing in return.

Money is tight, but we have a place to live and food to eat. Our vacations are not elaborate, but don't kids like camping in the backyard? I know I did.

Although my body is not graceful in the conventional sense, I can carry two kids and my purse and open a car door, that's something right?

Thinner, yes I still want that, but I do not want my daughter to believe her body is her most important asset. I can show her that her health is more important than her weight. I will show her how to live an active lifestyle, I will teach her to love herself, no matter what.

Dream are important, but I hope they never get in the way of me seeing how beautiful of a reality I am already living.