An Elevated Life

Oh, by the way...

2012-05-15T22:47:00.000-05:00

It may seem like not much has changed, but that's not entirely true. I set some goals way back when, and although ~~some~~ most still elude me, one major one does not. I even (sort of) achieved this goal by the deadline that I had set for myself. Perhaps you've noticed that I haven't blogged as frequently. This has been partially due to a difficult time sticking with the rules I set for myself, keeping the promises that I make to myself. However, this has also been due to a happier reason, a lack of as much time because...

I've been working. For the last several months. In a job that I love. (Dare I say ~~that as-close-to-ideal-as-it-gets job that I previously dreamt of/mentioned with cautious optimism? The one I was chasing, despite not knowing exactly what it was I was after?~~ No, too soon. Don't want to jinx it. Hell, I've even waited until now to mention it.) After close to a year of unemployment I didn't think this was possible, but here it is. A job. A good job. A good job in my field.

I got the offer before Christmas, accepted the offer before too (and breathed the biggest sigh of relief that I think I have ever breathed). I decided to start after the holidays, but I still count this as meeting my goal since I had the option to start by my deadline. I met a goal. A big one. And so began the journey...of really getting my life back on track.

Shifting Gears

2012-05-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

I have been moving a (very) little bit. I met my workout (and general) buddy, Elizabeth, for a walk around one the lakes here in town last weekend (3.1 miles) Then the puppy and I had a couple of walks last week (also totaling 3.1 miles). Today the puppy, husband, and I went on a .9 mile walk. I still need to increase frequency and intensity and be consistent with the exercise. I am gaining weight. I lost almost 30 pounds in a year. (There, there is a firm number for you.) I could have and should have done better. Even worse, though, over the last few months, I have slowly put about half of that back on. This must be reversed. Now.

Breathe

2012-05-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those great days. It is one of those slow days. It is one of those calm days. It is one of those quiet days. It is one of those peaceful days.

Following day after day of hot (so hot) and humid (so humid) weather, it has cooled. I turned off the air conditioner and opened the windows. The puppy is sitting in front of a window, loving the breeze. I completely understand her affinity for it. The fresh air alone makes me feel better about the state of the house but not just that...my life. It all feels less stuffy, less stifling.

I am using today to relax and continue to work on getting the house clean and organized. I have been doing much better in this regard. I need to remind myself of this from time to time. I haven't had piles of dishes (or really even any dishes) sitting in the sink, on the counters, on end tables, on night stands... for days, weeks, months. I have been keeping up with laundry. I don't let piles of mail sit on whatever open surface is available for whatever undefined period of time. The husband and I have conquered some bigger projects around the house as well. I wish I was better at keeping up with other things (vacuuming), but I wish even more that I was better at not focusing on those things. And so I continue to work on both of these.

But right now I focus on how great I feel right now, in this moment. I try to capture it, to hold on to it, so maybe I can bring it out on a day, down the road, that is not quite like today.

Reason #3

2012-04-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

Because I would like to be able to easily take my wedding ring on and off again (without Windex).

Haves and Have-Nots

2012-04-05T22:45:00.000-05:00

It is okay. I have not exercised (yesterday or today). I have been eating at home. I have been eating well. I have been getting laundry and cleaning done. I have been developing a schedule. Perhaps the most important step in that, the foundation? I have been going to bed "early" and focusing on getting up in the morning. I got eight hours of sleep last night (rare). I slept straight through the night (rarer). I am still tired. This will take time. But I am committed. On that note...

The Fog

2012-04-03T23:05:00.002-05:00

Almost always, almost instantly upon coming home from somewhere, I used to go to my room, flip on my computer and t.v. and sit there in a fog for hours. Sometimes I would fall asleep. Often I would try not to. Sometimes I would end up crying; a show, or something would trigger it. Often I would be hating myself for not doing something productive and then hating myself more for not convincing myself to get up and change that fact. Often I would feel anxious, worried, sad, lonely... At some point I would decide I should finally eat something for dinner, and I would make my way to a drive thru. Then I would be back home, back in my room, back in front of the t.v. and computer, until 1:00, 2:00, 2:30...in the morning.

I say used to because even though this is only day 2 of this (I've lost count) go-round, I will not go back to that. That is in the past (and it's time I begin working on leaving other things there with it too). I am already feeling much better (determined).

Today when I got home, I immediately took the dog out, had a snack, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, got on the elliptical, had dinner, read the news, emailed my long-distance workout buddy, unloaded the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, completed 2 loads of laundry, started a third, blogged... I haven't stopped moving. It has kept me out of my room and out of my head (or at least enough to prevent me from dwelling, worrying...) I am actually beginning to look forward to the next day, an opportunity to make even more progress, to add another day to the tally...

.9 mile walk with the puppy & 4.62 miles on the elliptical (36:52 for initial 5k) today

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -Henri Matisse

New Rules:

2012-04-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

Rule: I'm only allowed to watch t.v. while I'm on the elliptical. I'll make one exception to that; I can watch t.v. if I'm with someone else...hanging out with the sister, watching Conan with the husband before bed... If I'm by myself, I sit mindlessly in front of the t.v. for hours. When no one else is present, there is no one well enough to turn it off. I fall asleep with it on. I get too little sleep, and it is far too restless.

Rule: I can't take my laptop in my room...ever...no exceptions. It is setting me back. I mindlessly surf the internet. It is another distraction I allow to keep me from rest.

I washed my sheets, dusted and vacuumed my room, removed my laptop and the dvr (for now). I'm going to take a hot shower and read to relax myself and try to get to sleep in the next hour.

Today went well. I chose healthy meal options. I walked the puppy on my lunch break (.9 mile). I completed an hour on the elliptical (4.87 miles - 36:16 initial 5k). I checked in with my workout buddy; I'm determined to keep myself accountable. I did some housecleaning.

Perhaps most importantly? I gave myself credit; I didn't criticize myself for not doing more than this.

No Joke

2012-04-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

This is not a joke I mean it this time. Really. I'm committed. I have to be. I've already been doing much better. Better in general. And also better at maintaining perspective when things aren't all that much better. And now. Fresh month, fresh start.

I think it's time for a little spring cleaning on this blog today. And then it's time to pick up where I left off. And then it's time to move forward. Every day. To grow. And to shrink.

I will no longer simply make it through each day.

Different as Night and Day

2012-03-08T00:24:00.000-06:00

I experience a contradiction every day, between morning and evening. At night, I don't want to go to bed. In the morning, I don't want to get out. At night, I feel like I am running too short on hours in my day and have an impossible time convincing myself to spend more on sleep. In the morning, I feel like I am running too short on hours of sleep (obviously) and have an impossible time convincing myself to get out of bed and seize the hours in my day.

Right now? It is like most other nights. I don't want to go to sleep. That will mean that this day will end. At the beginning of each day, that is all that I am wishing for. But right now, right now it means that the next day will arrive before I know it, and I will be wishing for the end of the day again. I will close my eyes, and the next thing I know, I will be opening them again. The thought of facing another day is exhausting but not exhausting enough to convince me to go to sleep.

Tomorrow morning I will not want to get out of bed. I will want to pull the covers over my head. I will want to hide. I will want to avoid.

I just don't want to do anything, to face anything, anyone...life.

I don't want to "live" my life like this anymore.

But I feel stuck in what seems like a never-ending cycle, spiraling further and further downward.

That is the best that I can explain it.

I Am Not Okay...

2012-03-06T22:32:00.000-06:00

and I am just okay.

I want to be better. Just like that. I don't want to work on it. I just want it to be.

But it doesn't work like that.

14 Days (Part Deux)

2011-12-28T21:47:00.001-06:00

Remember this: I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. I can't find the words. I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling...

Well, here I am again, another 14 days later, and I can definitely say that again. Only this time it is different. Just like that, things seemed to change in many ways, things began to look up. But I can't let all the happiness that I'm feeling these days allow me to become complacent, allow me to abandon this journey, allow me to think that, just like that, I am suddenly so far removed from that place I visited just 14 days ago. No, it is still there, just steps behind me, or perhaps, lurking around some dark corner that awaits just steps ahead. Yes, I must appreciate this happiness, live it, enjoy it. But I must not let it lull me into a sense of calm, delude me into forgetting what sits just below the currently still surface. Instead, I must prepare for the day when I next face it. I must ensure that I become well-equipped for dealing with it. Yes, I am happy today and have been for many recent days. Yes, I appreciate it, but I must not forget that I can't abandon the baby steps, the building blocks, to achieving long-term, consistent happiness, the kind with real staying power. There's a lot of work that remains, and I appreciate being in a place where I look forward to it. And, so, I'm back.

P.S. Oh, and there's a lot of details to fill in from the last month as well.

New Rule:

2011-12-19T12:46:00.000-06:00

Shower as soon as I wake up (well, after taking the puppy out and feeding her). I am not allowed to turn my computer or the t.v. on or do anything else not included in that parenthetical prior to my shower. It helps me to feel refreshed and motivated to get going. I need this. I need this early in my day. I need this every day. Otherwise, I end up trapped (in front of my computer, in front of the t.v., in bed, on the couch...in my head) for (much, most, all of) the day.

14 Days

2011-12-14T00:33:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. I can't find the words. I can't explain...all that is going on in my world, all that is swirling around in my head, what exactly I'm feeling...

The last two weeks haven't been all bad. It wasn't until recently that I felt at bottom (Dear Lord, tell me this is bottom!) Some of the reason for not updating was just based on being busy and not making the time. I haven't been meeting my goals; yes, that's true. That isn't the reason for my lack of updates, though. I'm not afraid or ashamed to confess to those things; those failures hardly represent the worst of what I'm experiencing. I have thought a lot about those posts but just haven't written them. (I am going to revisit those deadlines in future entries.)

It's hard to explain this struggle that I'm dealing with. There has just been a lot of back and forth...between feeling...completely desperate and then at others times...just okay, never really happy, though. In the last few days, I've been at a particular low point...feeling sad, and alone, and afraid, so afraid, and trying to ward off sheer panic and feeling so tired, and defeated, and beat down. There have been moments when I have been capable of (trying to) convince myself that I can turn this around, that things will get better, but those have been fleeting, and really only platitudes that I don't even really believe right now. The negative voice in my head is screaming so loudly these days and is much more convincing.

I feel so alone. I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I can turn to right now and can come up with no one. It would hurt many in my life to hear this, but it is true. Many key relationships in my life are severely strained or no longer exist (death). Don't get me wrong; much of this is largely about me too and my inability to trust others to even be honest and open about where I am at.

I had an interview today, and I felt like a liar during the whole thing, a terrible actress. Every answer I gave was about someone else, a woman I used to know, a woman I only occasionally catch glimpses of now... How can I convince them that I am that woman, will be that woman again if they would just hire me, if I'm not even convinced myself?

"If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way." -Johnny Cash

Reason #2

2011-11-29T22:28:00.001-06:00

Because the appropriate initial, organic reaction to the suggestion to take a trip to the Caribbean (and soon) is happiness and excitement (I know!) and not dread and counting of days/calculating how much weight can be lost in the time between now and the trip. I know that this is not something to complain about (and I'm not, really). I know, this is not an actual problem. That is precisely my point. I love beaches. I love hot weather. I love being in the sun. And I appreciate this trip and will LOVE this trip. I just want to feel comfortable in ~~a swimsuit~~ my body ~~again~~ for once. That makes me want to lose weight (and fast!). It's not just that, though. Like I've said, I'm doing this the healthy way, the slow, persistent way. This is not only about making the body changes but the mind changes. I don't want to only dream of where I'm going but appreciate where I am, what I have... My happiness does not depend on my size, how I look in a swimsuit... Until I truly figure this out, I will never be able to stay a certain size, etc. either.

P.S. Yes, I know that I ate a large bowl (okay, 2) of ice cream today. I'm fine with that. Sort of. It was emotional eating. No judgment, please!

Rocky Road

2011-11-29T15:54:00.000-06:00

Because sometimes when you're on one, you ~~need~~ want ~~some~~ a lot.

I know that I'm being vague, and I know that it's so annoying when people do that. I'm just struggling...with my need to talk about this. I mean, I created this blog because I needed a place to get this all out, figure this out. However, I'm torn between my desire to be open, honest but to also protect the ~~innocent~~ guilty. Suffice it to say that I have been down this road far too many times, and this continual conflict has contributed greatly to where I am, the things that I'm working on changing. It has repeatedly derailed me, but I am getting much better at not letting it impact me like it once did. Still, there is much that is not within my control, and it is just...difficult (to put it far too mildly).

Seeking Serenity

2011-11-28T21:22:00.001-06:00

This is late, yes, but needed, indeed. I haven't updated for days, true. I haven't exercised for days, yes (at least not since a short puppy walk on Thanksgiving). Things were busy and great and unhealthy but fun, so healthy in that way, true. And then all of a sudden things were not, were bad, stressful, deja vu, I'd been there before, with her before. Vague, yes. However, I don't even know where to begin, so, for now, I just really won't. I will simply say (and continue to repeat to myself): Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Yes, please do.

Please Take Note

2011-11-23T23:13:00.001-06:00

Today I completed 7.7 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes). My time for the initial 5k of this workout was 31:05! I know; I'm a total badass. Now I'm going to go paint my nails. Yes, that was off-topic.

You Win Some, You Gain Some

2011-11-21T23:17:00.000-06:00

So, today was a weigh in day, and I did. It was disappointing, but I'm letting that go. I'm up about a pound and a half. I have been doing what I should be, though, exercising, eating better, watching portion sizes... So, I will not let this get me down. The results will eventually show, and I must remind myself that it is only a number. I will make adjustments to try to find something that works for me. Still, my first goal deadline is now nine days away and seems even more challenging (especially with Thanksgiving lurking a couple of days away). With that in mind, though, I will remember to appreciate the progress I ~~have made~~ continue making.

P.S. I completed another 90 minutes on the elliptical but waited until very late this evening to work out. It showed. I was tired and only got 5.4 miles in, and I don't even want to mention my initial 5k time for this workout (okay, close to 50 minutes!). I am grateful that I stuck with it, though, and didn't abandon the workout all together.

Wanna Race?

2011-11-18T17:24:00.003-06:00

I've been trying to better my time, during every walk or elliptical workout. So far I haven't been doing that well at this. Today, though...

2.2 walk in record time (36 minutes)

Oh, yeah, 2.2 walk yesterday (41 minutes)

Edit: P.S. I also completed another 7.82 miles on the elliptical (90 minutes) My time for the initial 5k of this workout: 34:38

Where I was, Where I am, Where I'm going

2011-11-17T12:39:00.000-06:00

I thought I would provide a snapshot of where I'm at in my weight loss journey without doing the dreaded task of actually sharing the numbers. I'm not even halfway to my goal, but I plan to make up ground quickly. Stay tuned.

Oh, and also...

2011-11-16T21:53:00.001-06:00

.5 mile walk - 13 minutes

7.14 miles on elliptical - 90 minutes

9.75

2011-11-15T22:49:00.001-06:00

Walk: 2.2 miles (41 minutes)

Elliptical: 7.55 miles (95 minutes)

The Toaster

2011-11-14T23:56:00.002-06:00

I have this toaster. I've had it for over ten years. It's not that advanced; it's nothing fancy. I figure toasters don't really need to be. It only has two slots. I don't toast more than two pieces of bread at once anyway. If the husband and I both want bagels - and yes, the slots are (barely) wide enough to fit bagels - one of us can wait a few minutes until the other is done. It's not like we're that crunched for time. It works just fine, most of the time. Sometimes you have to mess around with the settings a little, get it in just the right spot by the word medium so that your bread or bagel or waffle or whatever gets toasted enough but not burnt. It's not a problem, though; we've figured out how to get it just so. The toaster is white (now kind of yellowing). Our other small appliances are stainless steal. We registered for them when we got married a few years ago. I didn't register for a new toaster. I didn't want one. The toaster was a gift from the uncle one Christmas. Our family had bought him a new toaster that year, one of the fancy ones, with four, wide slots to accommodate big bagels and different settings to toast items just so. He laughed when he opened it. He had just bought himself a new toaster. The mom said he could return ours for something new. He said, "No, Ele is going to college next year and will need a toaster for her dorm room. I will give her the one that I just bought and keep this one." And so, that is how I came to have my current toaster. I did take it with me to college. He helped me move in that first weekend there, a weekend I will always cherish. The husband calls it a sentimental toaster; it's an apt description. The uncle gave it to me the Christmas before he fell very ill, shortly after moving me into my dorm. He was with us for the following Christmas, but that was his last. It was that first year without him that I began to fall apart. I like my toaster. It works just fine. I can't believe that I've had it for over ten years now. I don't know when I'll get a new one.

Daydream Believer

2011-11-14T19:50:00.002-06:00

2.2 miles walk today in 41 minutes

90 minutes on the elliptical, allegedly resulting in 7.22 miles moved

P.S. I had this really great moment during my walk today. Nevermind the fact that it almost resulted in me being hit by a car. (Well, that's dramatic; I'm sure they would have driven around me if I hadn't noticed them.) Anyway, I entered this totally blissful daydream for a bit on my walk, totally worry-free. This is very rare for me these days. I didn't even hear the car behind us until it was right behind us. I was lost in my own little world, daydreaming of a day when my life will be (even more) fabulous, and we will have wonderful parties in the yard with an outdoor movie on a giant sheet for a screen and white lights and lemonade in mason jars and family and friends chatting happily and lots of loud laughter and yummy (and beautiful) food and drinks and pure joy! Doesn't it sound so lovely? It was nice to escape into those thoughts for awhile, and I insist that parties like that will totally happen one day.

Stay Calm and Elliptical

2011-11-12T17:46:00.003-06:00

Well, I haven't had the best day. Finally, after sitting paralyzed in sheer panic for some time, I decided I should quit wasting my time. If I wasn't going to send in applications, I should at least get a workout in. And I did. I figured if I could do an hour and a half before there was no reason that I shouldn't do it again. And I did. I allegedly ran an extra mile this time too (who knows with these machines). Still, mark me down for 7.25 miles today. It feels good to say that. Now, after a long, hot shower and something to eat, I am feeling better. The anxiety is gone. Note to self: exercise helps (a lot). Now to those applications...