An Advanced Guide to Being Professionally Fabulous

Guilty Pleasure: "For The Love of Ray-J 2"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:00:00 +0000

The truth can no longer be avoided.

The Professional (*gulp*) is officially hooked on Ray-J.

It started out as an accident. She caught his "For the Love of Ray-J" Season 1 by happenstance towards its tail end. She brushed it off as coonery, and paid it no mind. But then... For the Love of Ray-J: Season 2 came around. And it seemed like a lot of her friends were watching it, and The Professional hates to be left out of a conversation because of her own ill-will (*nosey*). So she watched. And she watched. And now... she can't stop watching.

Is it Ray-J's hilarity during the "confessionals?" Is it his amazing facial expressions and his refreshingly candid truth? Or perhaps its because he says exactly what The Professional is thinking in her head, yet he says it on national television... She's not sure what it is, but The Professional seems more than just a reluctant fan these days. She had this feeling once before about Ray-J. She did her best to brush it aside and ignore. But daggone it if the combination of his charm and his ability to jump on the right records at the exact right time don't make her heart open right up and want to give that man-child a bear hug!

So to Ray-J: The Professional love-love-loves the show. Its the exact right mix of entertainment and ridiculousity. She effing loves you (wait though--not like, wants to have your babies "loves you...") and is fine with this public proclamation of her adoration for your hustle. She effing loves wondering why the girls on the show wore that outfit, or why their hair looks like warm trash (perm and hot comb, anyone?). She watches with baited anticipation, and she sings...

"You ain't gon' tie me down...(tie me down...)"

Damn you, Ray-J.

Thank you, and carry on.

No Menu Needed...

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:00 +0000

The Professional knows that she is a creature of habit. She likes things the way she likes them, and sees no reason to deviate from the program as established. The same is true when she dines out. Though a menu may be expansive, when The Professional finds a dish she likes--she sticks with it. Faithfully. Without fail. In fact, she'll pay you $20 if you can ever catch her ordering something other than the following at these three go-to, nationwide restaurants. She suggests that you try these items out. After all, they're so delicious that her love affair with these choices cannot be shaken :-)

The Cheesecake Factory: Thank the good baby Jesus for The Cheesecake Factory. Its drink menu is so full of fun and tasty items. Its dessert selection is heavenly. And that brown bread loaf? Absolutely delightful.

Appetizer: Avacado Eggrolls -- So daggone flavorful, delicious...and addictive!

Entree: Spicy Cashew Chicken -- Tender chicken & crunchy cashews over a bed of fluffy white rice.

Dessert: White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake -- The Professional's local Ralph's supermarket used to sell slices of this amazing & heavenly dessert in its bakery department. When they stopped, The Professional had a grade-A meltdown right there in the market. It was sad.

Sidebar: The Professional actually has a dinner item stand-in for those times when her sensitive tummy can't take the super spicy Cashew Chicken. In a crunch, she'll also order the Chicken Littles. As a connoisseur of chicken strips, she is a fan of this dish at the Cheesecake Factory, and applauds the yummy honey mustard sauce that accompanies.

PF Chang's: The Professional doesn't like authentic-authentic Chinese food. She likes Americanized, franchised Chinese food--and PF Chang's is among her favorite places to dine.

Appetizer: Chicken Lettuce Wraps -- The lettuce is always so cool & crisp...and The Professional loves to have the waiter/waitress make the sauce extra spicy.

Entree: Mongolian Beef with White Rice -- The Professional makes certain to order her dish prepared "extra crispy," meaning that the beef pieces will come out well-done and with a slight char. Perfect!

Dessert: Cheesecake with Raspberry Sauce -- This Raspberry sauce is simply sinful! The Professional could bottle it up and drink it like Sprite...

California Pizza Kitchen: Ahh yes...The Professional has blogged before about her love-affair with this restaurant. It is her comfort food. It is her solace. She patronizes often, and is never let down by these choices...

Appetizer: Chicken Chowder Soup -- A cup of this warm, creamy and delicious soup is the perfect way to set the mood for her all-time favorite salad-entree.

Entree: BBQ Chopped Chicken Salad -- The Professional orders this item tossed, no avocado (why do people try to put avocado on everything?!), and with extra dressing & ranch on the side (they never use enough). This salad is enough to change the directional pull of The Professional's entire mood. This salad is the salad of all salads. It is the cat's meow. If you have some bad news to deliver to The Professional, bring this salad (prepared as noted above), and you are guaranteed a less-harsh tongue-lashing from her. You might even be forgiven of your transgressions. Yes, this salad is that serious. End of story.

Dessert: Key Lime Pie -- Now, a good key lime pie is hard to come by. A good one in a chain restaurant is almost not possible, but The Professional gives two thumbs up to the version served at CPK. She's not mad at it at all ;-)

Sidebar: Unfortunately, The Professional was advised yesterday that CPK no longer carries the divine Chicken Chowder soup. She believes that the decision to take this off the menu (she doesn't know if its removal is chain-wide, or just at her store) is grave and ill-advised. However, she still has warm memories of this soup, and will now be forced to vehemently deny the other soup choices. Sorry guys, the chicken tortilla soup just isn't the same as the chowder :-(

What are the go-to menu items at your favorite eateries? Though The Professional is unlikely to try them (see above, she's covered), she's tickled when others are inspired enough to show their loyalty. Bon appetite!!

Just Say No: The Scion Cube

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 03:15:00 +0000

Today, as The Professional was battling the Interstate 5 South, her eyes landed upon something dreadful.

The Scion "Cube."

She's sorry, but... what?! Whose idea was this? Who approved this to go to production? And who, pray tell, paid money for this tomfoolery?!

This is simply not an attractive vehicle. The Professional ranks it right up with the other boxy-type small SUV's and hybrid eyesores that have popped up over the last few years. However, she believes that this one takes the cake. She cannot go into a vivid-enough description as to how dreadful the design is. She is positive of this, because she almost caused a collision or three whilst trying to view the horrid car from 360 degrees. C'mon guys...a wrap-around window? Huh?!

Auto Designers: You must do better!

Auto Buyers: You must, with conviction, say NO.

That is all.

Oh Hell No: The Cab Line-Up

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:25:00 +0000

You've seen the cab line up in your town. Perhaps its in front of Staples Center after an event lets out. Its definitely at baggage claim, waiting to get you all the way to your destination. And sometimes its at your favorite hotel in hopes of picking up an airport run. Anywhere there are mass amounts of people needing a ride, there's the cab line.

The Professional is the first one, in any city, at any time--to hop her ass in a cab. Whether its four blocks or a forty-minute drive, she patronizes Cabbies and she tips well. However, a recent experience left her fuming mad and on the verge of cursing out an unsuspecting Indian immigrant. You see, she wanted to hop the cab line, and he wasn't having it.

It was lunchtime in Downtown Los Angeles, and the cabs were lined up on Figueroa Street waiting to catch a fare. The Professional walked up on the line, as a woman in a rush. She did so from South, with the cabs lined up facing North. She was in essence, coming up from the back. She made eye contact and walked assertively forward to the closest cab to her--which was also the last cab on the line. "Beverly Hills," she told him as she motioned for him to open the door. In response, he shook his head and pointed to the front of the cab line--a lonnnnnng city block's walk ahead of him.

Did he not see her urgency? Did he not want the $50 fare? Did he not recognize her fierce 4" Jimmy Choo's?

The Professional's face immediately contorted into a "OMG-WTF" type of look (the expression was likely accompanied by some form of neck rollling as well). The Indian cabbie looked a little frightened as he vigorously pointed ahead of him, urging her towards the first car on line. With a dramatic heavy sigh and the dirtiest look she could muster, The Professional had no choice but to move to angrily the front of the line.

You see, she didn't want to walk that long-ass block to the front. She wanted the car closest to her to scoop her up & dip the eff out. His refusal to do so led The Professional to beg some questions: Is there some type of Cabbie union or brotherhood in play? Do they not understand how dreadfully inconvenient it is to have to walk to the front of the line when it stretches out for eternity? And did this Indian man just really serve her up a dose of gangster with the ill "hell naw?"

The Professional suggests that LA taxi drivers take a cue from the New York state of mind where everything goes. Reminder: Its a daggone recession people! Pick fabulous bitches up on whatever block they need you. Thank you and carryon.

Non-Singing'est Singers

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:53:00 +0000

As her regular readers likely already know, The Professional is not malicious hater--but she is indeed a truth-teller, no matter how that tends to come across. With that disclaimer taken care of, The Professional offers you her list of the most non-singing'est singers she adores to abhor:

Ciara: Don't get it twisted, The Professional really does like a couple of Ciara's records. "Oh" is one of her favorite records of the last decade written/produced by the talented Dre & Vidal, and she isn't even that violently mad at the last record "Never Ever." But realistically speaking, everyone knows that this child is nobody's vocalist. Its the look, the dancing, the personality and the catchy production that hooked the fans.

Janet Jackson: The Professional is by no means suggesting that Miss Jackson doesn't have hits. Hits she indeed has. However, vocals she has not. If any randomonious chick who wasn't a Jackson--Janet Jackson, in particular, because we didn't even embrace LaToya--went into the studio with those whispery-ass soft throaty vocals, she'd be laughed out of town--regardless of how pretty she is. At this point, it doesn't really matter (get it?!), because Janet Jackson is pretty much epic. There's no argument there.

T-Pain: First of all, has anyone actually ever heard his 'real' singing voice? The Professional has been so inundated by his auto-tuned sound, that she can't say for certain that this joker can even hold a real note. But hey, in contemporary hip-hop, who needs to hold a note?!

and finally...

Aaliyah: C'mon, c'mon now... you know The Professional loves and misses her some Aaliyah. Still, though she was beautiful, exotic, mysterious, crazy-sexy-cool, and basically the flyest chick on the scene in the 90's--a stellar vocalist she was not. She just wasn't. Accept this. The Professional is not suggesting that she was horrible--but she definitely was no Coko from SWV (bust a move on that throwback...!).

On a related topic, The Professional would like to take a moment to point out some voices that she just plain HATES. This doesn't mean she is denying the starpower. It just means she hates these particular voices, and will go to any length to avoid the ear-murder caused by a force-feeding by these artists:

- Slim from 112: Dude, please stop whining. The first few 112 records were dope, The Professional cannot tell a lie. But after the fifty'leventh whining joint, she'd had enough. Enough!

- Anita Baker: The Professional knows that she'll get some flack for this one, but she offers no apologies. Dear Anita Baker, you sound like a real-live dying CAT. Though The Professional is aware that Anita Baker has some classic R&B records, forcing her to listen to any one of them might as well substitute for an act of vigialante torture.

- Kandi Burress: The Professional used to be a fan of Kandi, but her appearance on The Real Housewives of Atlanta killed every ounce of "like" she once had. The voice, and the shoddy songwriting (for her own project, no less) makes The Professional really want for the "old" Kandi. The Xscape Kandi. Because: "I fly above all the haters..." C'mon, like...REALLY?

- Celine Dion: The Professional doesn't understand why this lady's strange, garbled vibrato gets so much hype. It sounds like she's singing through a--ahem... "microphone check." Wups.

- Shakira: In The Professional's humbeled opinion, Shakira sounds like a cross between Celine Dion, and a yodeler atop a mountain in the Swiss alps. She half-yodels and half vibratos uncontrollably. Its quite unattractive. The Professional actually thinks she might halfway enjoy Shakira (or at least refrain from hating on her) if the child would pick one style and stick with it. But instead, the public is subject to a yodeling, shaking, Celine Dion-sounding hot ass mess. But... at least she's damn pretty, right?

The Professional Presents: Colorful Vocabulary

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 06:23:00 +0000

Yes. She knows.

The Professional is quite embarrassed that she's let her blogging wane for the past several months. Its not because she doesn't love her readers--you can be certain of that. Its simply a case of blogging while on tour being next to impossible. Too much work. Too much moving around. Too much...everything. She sincerely apologizes. She really does.

It's actually been her time on the road that served as part of the inspiration for this particular post. While traveling the country and meeting new people each day, The Professional became acutely aware that people are tickled by her manner of speak. That is, to say... that The Professional has long known that she peppers her casual (and sometimes her professional) conversation with a plethora of unique and colorful words that may not be immediately recognizable. To that, she offers the following "dictionary" of sorts. The words and their definitions found below will help to translate The Professional's mouthpiece. Pleezebelieve that you'll never meet a character like she. This she knows :-)

RIDICULOUSITY (ree-dick-yoo-LOSS-it-ee): The act of being ridiculous. "We don't have time for your baby momma's ridiculousity."

FANTASTICAL (fan-TASS-tick-al): A descriptive word, meaning 'extremely fantastic.' "Looking forward to having a fantastical time at the event tonight!"

RANDOMONIOUS (ran-dum-MOAN-ee-us): The act of being random. "Nobody asked him for a randomonious comment about rainbow shoelaces!"

SITUATIONAL (sit-choo-A-shun-ul): An situation or event that warrants discussion. "There is a bad hood-rat situational down at the nightclub."

RETARDICROUS (re-TARD-ih-criss): A descriptive word, used when something is a cross between 'retarded' and 'ridiculous. "I just had the most retardicrous conversation with an idiot!"

DAGGONE (DAG-on): A word used for emphasis. "The car behind me needs to get off my daggone tail!"

So there you have it. Use The Professional's distinct vocabulary freely & often. Just remember to give her the credit where due ;-)

Single & Fierce: "The Concept Car"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:25:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "The Concept Car." Enjoy!

Review: Day 26 & J. Holiday at Club Nokia

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Mon, 11 May 2009 19:40:00 +0000

Let The Professional begin with a disclaimer: As someone who makes her living in the music industry, its very difficult for her to "just watch" a live show. She can see, and she can hear every tiny problem--and she really just cannot sit back and enjoy a performance as a regular audience member. With that said, last night she caught the Day 26 / J. Holiday show at Club Nokia in Downtown Los Angeles...

Club Nokia is a beautiful new venue within the LA Live situational that encompasses the Staples Center, Nokia Theatre, and a host of other fly establishments, the best of which (Katsuya) hasn't even opened yet. Best of all, its walking distance -- that's 4.5 inch stiletto walking distance -- from The Professional's home. Yay for that!

Sunday evening's show was opened by local act and very cool dude Mateo (www.mateoonline.com). The Professional knows Mateo from the Los Angeles music scene, and was thrilled to hear that he'd be opening.

Mateo did a fantastic job, and The Professional was especially pleased at his "Blame it on the Alcohol" live remix. She thought it a very smart way to engage an audience who, for the most part, hadn't ever heard of him. Follow Mateo on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/mateoonline

After an excruciatingly long set-change (40 minutes, are you serious?!), Day 26 got their show started. The Professional cannot front--Day 26 is her guilty pleasure, and she was kinda-a-little-bit-but-not-too-much pumped to see the boys. They appeared in ensembles of black and red wardrobe. Immediately, some issues. The Professional, for the entire show, could not wrap her head around her beloved Robert's outfit. Pictured here, you'll note the gay-Robin Hood theme, replete with skinny jeans tucked into his boots. Further, the rhinestone'd back pockets were just aboslutely too much. Points for individuality, but um... are we really still rockin the rhinestone pockets? Really?!

With track vocals WAY too high, and hot-mics WAY too low, the guys were still enjoyable until a energy-killing interlude where The Professional's two favorites, Brian and Robert, stopped the flow of the show with an obnoxious "screaming contest." Not necessary.

Some other notes:

Throughout the set, it appeared that only about 50% of the records performed had been officially choreographed. The rest were a mish-mash of meandering around stage.

Someone please pass Brian a message that big gaudy neck chains are OUT.

Q: Half the audience wouldn't have known that you slipped & fell if you hadn't busted yourself out.

And finally...

Thank the good Baby Jesus for Will's half-naked body.

The third act, J. Holiday would have been completely forgettable, had it not been for The Professional getting her ears (and her eyes) burnt up by his crass talk, innuendo, and exposed bird chest. Boy, you look BAD.

Its understood that the last act is the best place to be on a ticket--but in J. Holiday's case, he really should have taken the second spot. His 15 minutes are already over, and the majority of the crowd was there to see Day 26. The Professional recognized a total of ONE record: "Bed" -- which he honestly did sing his ass off to an excellent live instrumentation.

But besides that, it was his Music Director / Keys Player / Monitors Engineer / Pro-Tools Engineer / Deejay that got The Professional's respect. That mutherluver was WORKING!

J. Holiday ended his show with his white boxers hanging so low that a touch of booty-crack was showing. Annnnnd... SCENE!

Gross.

The Professional wants to believe that since this date was early on the tour's schedule, there are obvious kinks to work out. She hopes that Day 26 and J. Holiday's management has people that can address the issues and work them out like, immediately. If not, she is always available for counsel :-)

Single & Fierce: "The Recyler"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Fri, 08 May 2009 05:11:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "The Recycler." Enjoy!

Blame it on the: Tequila!

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 01:42:00 +0000

Its no secret that The Professional fancies her some tequila. Be it a casual night at home with the green tissue paper peeking itself out from the Patron Silver box, a fun night out with Patron Platinum shots, or a dash of some good 1800 in her blended Margarita--she knows that tequila is (in moderation) a very good drink!

Recently, The Professional received an email from a reader who, bless his heart, wanted to share some further knowledge about her beloved drink. Always wanting to share her worldly learnings with those that visit An Advanced Guide to Being Professionally Fabulous, below please find the notes and knowledge of one Maurice D. Harris. Enjoy!

Dear Professional,

I just read your post on Patron Platinum and wanted to share something with you. From what you said, you are not a big drinker...which is probably a good thing when it comes to tequila. Most people who are unfamiliar with it have a tequila phobia...thanks to the bad stuff. I’m not sure if you have already learned the following, but I want to share it with you so that you can keep your tequila adventures going (the right way).

First and foremost, understand that tequila is graded in levels, much like cognac. Examples of this would include XO, VSOP, etc. Here they are, from worst to best.

Blanco or Silver – not aged or aged for a very short time
Reposado – Aged somewhat
Anejo – Aged the longest – at least a year

That’s why your Patron Platinum is so smooth – it’s actually lacking in the taste department – because it’s unrefined and not aged. Triple distilling helps, though...and there are only a couple of triple distilled tequilas in the whole US. For the record, I’m not a big fan of Patron, although Platinum made my list. If given a choice between them all, I would take the anejo.

Here’s my list of favorite tequilas. These can be found anywhere in the US, luckily. One of them (Los Azulejos) was just released here, after being kept under wraps in Mexico for a while.

Corzo (anejo)
Jose Cuervo La Familia Reserve (anejo) RED WAX CAP.....not blue (that shit tastes like ass)
Patron Platinum
Casa Noble (anejo)
Los Azulejos (anejo or reposado)

Being a tequila purist, I generally pour mine into a snifter, light up a cigar and just sip it straight. For you, I’ll recommend my “summer” or “club” method which I love just as much. I pour a double shot into a martini shaker with a shot of Rose’s Lime juice, shake and sip on the rocks. That, I assure you, will make lots of friends.

Safe travels and pleasant sipping....

-M

Cheers, Maurice!

For your heart's desire of tequila labels (but strangely, no Patron available) and some great contemporary Mexican cuisine, come to Downtown LA, where The Professional lives, works and plays:

Provecho Restaurant
800 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90017
(213) 489-1406
http://www.provechorestaurant.com

Single & Fierce: "The Cougar"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 23:12:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "The Cougar." Enjoy!

Single & Fierce: "The Un-Date"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:37:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "The Un-Date." Enjoy!

I'm Not Mad At: Ryan Leslie

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 04:05:00 +0000

Though The Professional loves-loves-loves to hate on corny looking dudes, there is something undeniable and strangely magnetic about that darn Ryan Leslie. Sure, he looks like an anorexic, light-skinned turtle. But his record? Phenomenal. His writing? Perfection. His voice? Lovely. His musicality? Genius.

The Harvard-educated producer/singer/songwriter released his self-titled album this past February, but The Professional had already obtained a wide selection of (illegally?) downloaded records from the artist many months prior. She had been rockin out to those for a good long time, but last week when she finally-finally purchased the "real" album -- which she does to support good artists, regardless as to whether or not she has received the album gratis from another source -- she was absolutely enraptured. You know The Professional loves her a good 'play-through' type of album, and validates this one as a certified gem.

Though she loves just about every record on the album individually, some of The Professional's favorites include:

#7: How It Was Supposed To Be - "Fresh like the kiss of morning dew, that's how it felt that day we met and I first laid eyes on you..."

#4: Quicksand - "She's incomparable, she's a 10--and she plays with all the silly hearts of men..."

#12: Gibberish - "Time is running out, please don't make me wait..."

and,

#1: Diamond Girl - "You're my diamond girl, you're the one I put the rock on..."

Truthfully, she really doesn't want to watch his videos (uncomfortably corny--she's always had the same problem with Brandy), but The Professional indeed respects Ryan Leslie's music. She officially cannot take him off repeat. He has even trumped her beloved Keri Hilson, which is like...huge. Hooray for good r&b music!

Single & Fierce: "Requirements"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:56:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "Requirements."

Enjoy!

Fish? Chicken? Damn!

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:55:00 +0000

Recently, a travesty of nature occurred.

In a fit of delirium brought on by massive amounts of work and very little rest--and in the middle of a show-day in San Diego, The Professional found herself face to face with a dinner spread at the House of Blues. She had been on a diet of coffee for the previous three days, with work consuming her so much so that she could not remember to eat. The food looked so good. It was fresh and piping hot, and The Professional was enraptured at the spread. She hurried over to fix herself a plate.

She piled her fresh white china with mac & cheese and vegetables, but passed on the grilled fish. You see, The Professional isn't a seafood eater. In fact, seafood hadn't seen her system in over 20 years for a variety of reasons--the primary one being that she had always been disgusted by the taste, texture and smell of it. She thinks that all sea creatures are gross--even when alive. And for these reasons, she just doesn't eat it. She'll sit fashionably fabulous in the posh-est of sushi restaurants and order the chicken teriyaki with a sincerely straight face. Yes, its that serious.

So when The Professional opened the serving platter with
the fried chicken breasts, she thought "yesss!!!!" She added one to her plate and commenced to inhaling the food quickly before getting back to work. As she gobbled the chicken breast down, she wondered "why is it so flaky?" This didn't seem like any chicken breast she had eaten before. And its flavor seemed a bit off. But the hunger took over and she had wolfed down three huge bites of chicken before it hit her: This was no chicken breast. It was... *gasp!* ... FRIED CATFISH!!

When the realization hit her, The Professional felt a wave of horror overtake her body. Her face went white, and tears gathered in the corner of her eyes. No, she's not technically "allergic" to seafood, but she might as well be. The Hunger Devil tricked her into ingesting fish--catfish no, less (gross!)--and she was absolutely mortified. She sat frozen for a moment, completely unable to process what had just happened. Should she gag herself and yaak it up? Should she act like it didn't happen and erase it from her memory? Should she cry?

Ultimately, she didn't do any of those things. Though she didn't make herself sick or throw a tantrum, she was definitely sincerely traumatized. The Professional hurt her own feelings real bad that day, and it still stings to retell the story. Her colleagues chuckle about the brief moment in which they saw The Professional emotionally unravel. It was indeed a rare moment--never again to be duplicated.

And now, The Professional raises her glass to a (new) 20 years of no seafood eating. Thank you and good day.

Single & Fierce: "Blame it on the _______"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:04:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "Blame it on the ______"

Enjoy!

Single & Fierce: "Ciao, Bella!"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:05:00 +0000

The Professional invites you to view and comment on her most recent post to the Tyra Banks Single & Fierce blog, entitled "Ciao, Bella!"

Enjoy!

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness...

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Today, The Professional wishes to reflect on a couple conversations she's had recently with people who are familiar with what its like to be "on tour." Having spent about a week on a tour bus in the UK (in addition to another week in & out of hotels) she understands a little bit better what life on the road entails, though does not profess to be a master at it. In particular, the comment that she takes issue with is the over-dramatized roadie who laments: "Sometimes you go for DAYS without a shower. It's just so tough out here!"

Here's the thing: You don't have to go for days without a shower. This just isn't true. Especially on a tour like the one The Professional just returned from, where the venues are arenas. So when her tour manager or her artist's personal assistant complain about not having showered in several days, The Professional has no sympathy. Don't be nasty. Take a daggone shower!

Perhaps its a matter of personal hygiene... Perhaps there are certain people who are just ok with not showering daily. The Professional isn't one of them. She truly believes that cleanliness is next to Godliness, and no matter how tired she was, or how much earlier she needed to wake up, or how inconvenient it was to lug her day-bag from the tour bus to the showers--she'd do it in a heartbeat. Who the eff doesn't shower?!

**Sidebar: Apparently, the UK does not subscribe to using face towels. The Professional was a guest in at least four hotels within her 2 week stay, and none of them--not nary a one of them--provided face towels. She thinks that this might have something to do with the fact that she believes most white people don't use face towels. She thinks that as a general principal, white people lather themselves with soap, then rinse--but do not scrub with a face towel. Or perhaps Europeans just don't use face towels. Maybe face towels are an American thing. She indeed thought it strange that face towels were available for purchase in the airport mini-mart/pharmacies. She'd never seen face towels just randomly sold individually, but in hindsight, she thinks that savvy airport merchants know what she did not--that there would be not a face towel in sight once she hit her hotel. It was exasperating, and she will not get caught out there again on her upcoming return to the UK. Pleezebelieveit.

Special Announcement: "Single & Fierce"

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 17:15:00 +0000

Even though The Professional has a ridiculously-demanding work schedule, friendships to nurture, and a self-promise to be more social... the one thing that always helps her stay focused is her writing. She's been thrilled to muse about the art of being fabulous through the very blog you're reading :-)

Today, she's pleased to announce that there is a new way to stay connected to The Professional's world. She has joined the Tyra Banks Show as a blogger for their special section titled "Single & Fierce." While she only touches from time to time on matters of relationships & dating here on An Advanced Guide to Being Professionally Fabulous, her writing on "Single & Fierce" will focus solely on the art (and sport?) of finding love.

Please enjoy!

Gone, But Not Forgotten...!

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:49:00 +0000

The Professional prides herself on consistently posting to her beloved blog An Advanced Guide to Being Professionally Fabulous. However, as of recent, her work has absolutely consumed her, making thoughtful posts impossible. Please note that though she is gone (as in literally--she's overseas as she types this), she has not forgotten about her blog or her readers. She issues her sincerest apologies for the recent lack of content, and hopes that you will stay with her through this period of professional insanity.

Rest assured that The Professional is definitely engaged in the art of being fabulous, and is doing it really, really big. Over the past couple weeks, she has gotten through two music video shoots, a Jay Leno appearance, tour preparation, and has even appeared in the British tabloid press! She's gotten phone numbers from a couple of really cute guys, and has been both exhausted and enthralled with her life and career.

Shortly, The Professional will announce something pretty special and exciting about her writing, so please stay tuned :-)

Until she returns, please follow her on Twitter for updates on the things The Professional is doing.

With love from across the pond,
The Professional.

Social Butterfly

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:00:00 +0000

This past weekend, The Professional was a guest at a social gathering hosted by an old college friend of hers. The event was lots of fun, well thought-out, and hosted creatively by someone who really wanted all of her friends to enjoy each others' company. Her girlfriend did a fabulous job!

The hostess invited her network of friends from various portions of her life: Family, College Friends, Guy Friends, Girl Friends, Work Friends, etc. Of course, her guestlist was well thought-out, and she undoubtedly invited those people that she knew would get a long and have a great time. It worked, and her event was a smash hit.

As The Professional made her way through the party, catching up with old friends & colleagues, and meeting new people whose acquaintance she was genuinely pleased to make, she realized that she really should make an effort to be more social in the New Year. It was a friend of the Hostess whom The Professional had met years before, who struck the nail on the head by thoughtfully commenting "You know Kelly, we haven't really seen you since Amon passed away." She was right. And that was 2004.

Sure, The Professional has reasons (excuses?) as to why she brought her extracirricular socializing (as in: not work-related) to a serious halt after her best and most beloved friend passed. And sure--a lot of times she would honestly rather just be at home alone. But at what point should The Professional assess the situation and adjust? She's thinking the time is probably now.

The Professional believes that New Year's resolutions are hella corny, but she will take this opportunity to make a commitment to herself to make an effort--a sincere effort--to be more social in the year 2009. This weekend's event reminded her that she has some great friends to keep company with, and that there are some fantastic new people out there for her to meet.

She will start by bringing in the New Year at the Honey Collective's NYE event at Blue Velvet in The Professional's playground: Downtown Los Angeles. She'll see you there :-)

Holiday Texting

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 21:40:00 +0000

It's a rainy Christmas Day in Los Angeles, and as such, The Professional tried her best to get a really thorough "sleep-in" this morning (she was serious about this--and even dosed herself up with Tylenol PM before hitting the pillow last night). It was 6:34am when she heard the bllliiiinngggg!! of her blackberry: it was her first Holiday Text from an East coast friend who, consumed with the Christmas spirit, must have forgotten that those on the West coast were still in a state of restful slumber. As the texts kept coming in throughout the morning, The Professional started thinking about the different types of Holiday Texts that people send. She laughs at some, feels heartwarmed by others, and yet others really irritate her. She outlines the types of Holiday Texts herein:

The "Mass" Generic Text: This message is easy to spot. It reads something impersonal and/or interchangeable, and it doesn't reference your name. Something like 10:00am's message "Merry Christmas! Have a wonderfully merry merry day!" Those with some tact like the aforementioned will at least try to make it a bit less obvious, but there's always those people who will type something like what The Professional received at 12:40pm:"Merry x-mas to all fam and friends!" You could at least try to pull a Jedi Mind Trick on a sucker, but that one is obviously a Mass Generic Text, right? The Professional doesn't engage in sending Mass Generic Holiday Texts, because she prides herself on her ability to personally relate to her friends. In response to the Mass Generic Text, she'll typically reply with something very personal like, "Thank you Dominique, please send my best to your mother and lets catch up for a drink soon. Next week?" This is her way to address the tackiness of the Generic Mass Text.

**Special Note: In the spirit of honesty, there is in fact, one instance where The Professional sends the Mass Generic Text: Her sorority's Founder's Day (and directly related, her brethren fraternity's Founder's Day as well). Perhaps she'll get sentimental this year and attempt to send individual messages to each of her sorors with reasons why she's glad to have them in her life, but that's a tall order that she'll have to marinate on. She has a couple weeks to think about it :-)

The Religious Reminder Text: There are two distinct types of Religious Reminder Holiday Texts: Tactful and Tacky. At 11:37am, The Professional received what she classifies as tactful: "May the spirit of Christ fill your heart and home today and everyday!" At 9:16am however, she received a very tacky one: "Merry Christmas! Hope u have a blessed day and remember what its really about! Jesus loves u!" Ummm.... ok. Here's a newsflash: The Professional doesn't need to be reminded what Christmas is "about." She's a grown ass woman, not a child who gets caught up in the gift-receiving department and needs to be shook into religious reality. This type of text is beyond tacky--its borderline offensive. Further, if you think that the recipient of your tacky Religious Reminder Text really needs the reminder, perhaps you should take some time to internalize about what type of people are in your address book. And then, if you still really believe that your "friend" needs Jesus, how about something a pinch more significant than a passive-agressive text message? Again, the key to success with the Religious Reminder Text is subtlety. Without it, you risk being categorized as a player for Team Tacky, and we all know that this is fabulousity-suicide.

The Personal Message: Nothing is more fabulous than the Personal Message. It signifies that you took the time and effort to focus on one person, even for just the few seconds it took to compose the message. At 10:43am, The Professional received a great personal message from one of her favorite friends: "Merry Christmas Kelly! I hope Santa brings you your entire Christmas list! I know I owe you a call...heading out of town now, so I'll hit you when I get back :-)" This is the type of message that a fabulousity expert like The Professional appreciates. Text messages are, by nature, very impersonal. So if you can't spare the time to pick up the phone and place an actual call to your beloveds, then the next best option is the Personal Message.

And finally...

The Work-Related Message Disquised as a Holiday Message: The Professional is not gonna front--she got a few emails that she mistakenly thought were just nice lil holiday messages from work colleagues. With subject lines like "Happy Holidays" to throw her off, its no wonder she got tricked! Awww...she thought. Isn't that nice?! Open the message up and its some sneaky trickster asking her for an approval or some information or relaying some irritating news. This type of message is dispicable! Be thuggish about yours at the very least...! Make your subject line something that clearly reads: I know its Christmas, but I need this information NOW. The Professional can respect that kind of gangster. But please don't guise your request as a "happy holidays" shout-out when you know daggone well that you need her to do some work.

With the above said, The Professional bids her readers a very heartfelt (yet generic, lol) Happy Christmahanakwanzakah. She definitely appreciates your readership, and looks forward to a great new year. Have a blessed day :-)

xoxo.

Blogosphere Check 1-2, 1-2...

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:00:00 +0000

During this holiday week, please enjoy the following reads from around the web:

Miss Kitty Manners: Party Etiquette. The Professional couldn't have said it better herself, which is why she suggests you brush up on your party etiquette with Kitty Bradshaw before you make an ass out of yourself at this season's plethora of holiday gatherings.

The Professional adores The Fly Guy for his candid love advice. And he DID THAT by writing "I Only Liked It, So I Didn't Put a Ring On It." Ouch! Now there are some biting words for the single ladies around the world gettin' a little too literal with Beyonce's number...

And finally...

The Professional's beloved doll-baby at Urban Girl Love has addressed the commercial that we can neither stop talking about, nor stop laughing at--no matter how guilty it makes us feel. Yep, its "Chicken and R&B." It it a joke? Is it forreal? Should we be pissed? Should we slap a high-five to the genius behind it? Your thoughts and commentary are welcome :-)

I Put On For My Cities...

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:00:00 +0000

This season, The Professional has resigned to the fact that she's going to be late in delivering her holiday gifts. She's giving herself a bit of a break--she has been neurotically "on time" in Christmases past, and this year she has a lot on her plate--which means that she hasn't had one single moment to give thought (and isn't thought the point?) to gift-giving.

Also this year, The Professional is making an adjustment to how she approaches the tradition of gifting. You see, instead of having her friends and family in priority position, she's going to place herself in the #1 spot. That's right: She's gifting herself first. She deserves it! And just in time to benefit from this new prioritization, her dear old friend Andrea reached out to her with a fresh and fabulous suggestion: Ork Posters.

The Professional is in love-love-LOVE with Ork Posters...! Not only are they a fantastic way to represent for the city you love, they are beautiful, contemporary pieces of art.

Chicago-based artist Jenny Beorkrem is the founder and designer of Ork Posters, described as

"a line of modern, typographic neighborhood posters, including the areas of Chicago, Brooklyn, Manhattan, San Francisco and Boston. By ditching the 'vintage, illustrated' look of traditional maps, Ork designs its posters in a style characterized by originality, simplicity and modernity focused on form more than function."

Ork Posters also offers their designs for areas including Seattle, Toronto, Great Lakes, Washington D.C. and em-effing PORTLAND..!! Shut up!! Portland! The Professional's hometown!

The Professional plans on adding the Los Angeles print as artwork for her home--a type of homage to the nearly thirteen years she's been grinding in Hollywood. She will also purchase the screenprinted Portland design to hang in her office to remind herself from whence she came. Then she's going to have to control herself, because she also wants the Manhattan poster, solely because she's obsessed with NYC (she literally used to stare at maps of Manhattan, memorizing its neighborhoods and their locations on the island. Um, yeah. The Professional is clearly easily entertained...). It will be easy to get carried away, as Ork's pieces run reasonably priced at $22 and $27.

Whether a gift for self or for a loved one, these prints are great holiday gift ideas. Ork's website promises that orders placed by 11:30am CST today will be ensured delivery by Christmas.

Put on for your city:

Ork Posters
http://www.orkposters.com

Bathroom Etiquette

noreply@blogger.com (The Professional) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:00:00 +0000

If you are ever so lucky as to be invited as a guest in The Professional's beautiful home, you should be advised that there are several pieces of bathroom etiquette that she will expect you to know and respect.

As a courtesy, she outlines them below for your review. She suggests that you keep them in mind for visits not only to her home, but to anyone's. You may even wish to implement the following etiquette into the norm for visitors to your own place. The items make perfect sense, and set out the blueprint for the orderly function of one's personal space.

The Toilet Seat Lid Stays DOWN: Though this may seem like an obvious first rule, The Professional knows from experience that its not. And she's not just talking about men that leave both the seat and the lid up--she's also talking about women that do not close the lid. The Professional keeps her toilet lid down. This means that both boys and girls should shut the top down once they are finished with their business. And don't think that she's just implementing nonsensical rules to guests--The Professional closes the lid of the toilet in her own home each time she uses it. She also closes the toilet seat when she uses the restroom at other people's homes. Obsessive-compulsive? Perhaps. But so what.

Leave the Shower Head Alone: If for some reason, you need to--and are granted permission to take a shower at The Professional's home, she expects that you leave the shower head where it is. In the alternative, if you find it absolutely necessary to point it at another angle, you must-must-MUST remember to put it back to its original starting place before you are done. The Professional understands that her height (or lack thereof) may mean that a shower head that points at her neck is for you, pointed at your...nether-regions. However, when you move it and don't put it back to its original position you create a problem that will literally have The Professional cursing your name the next time she showers. You see, The Professional only wets her hair a couple times a week. So on days when she doesn't wet her hair, she showers strategically in a way which avoids wetting her hair. However, when you mess with the angle of her shower head and she unknowingly steps in--she's got sprays of water aimed straight at her hair. This is not cool. Just be courteous. As in the rest of life, when you move something out of its original position for your own use, remember to put it back when you're complete. Duh.

Squeegie the Glass Shower Doors: Okay, so this one is not applicable in The Professional's current home, but for many years she lived in places where her shower doors were glass (as opposed to shower curtains). If you don't have, or have never had glass shower doors, what you likely don't understand is that even after one shower, the water drops will dry on the shower doors and create ugly spots. To avoid this, The Professional placed a squeegie discreetly inside the shower on a suction-hook. After each and every shower, she squeegie'd down the doors in order to keep them crystal clear. Just because you were a guest didn't mean that you were excused from squeegie'ing. The rule was that even if you expected someone to shower immediately after you, you had to squeegie the shower doors. This was in part to combat water spots, but also a way for the bathroom to feel more "brand new" if multiple people were using it. The Professional hates sharing the bathroom, so any detail that can assist a shared bathroom in feeling not-shared is imperative to her.

No Wet Feets on the Bathmat: Maybe you think that the bathmat is for stepping out of the shower onto, with dripping wet feets and body. But at The Professional's house, it is not. Her bathmats are for decor purposes only. They are expensive, and they match her expensive linens, shower curtain, etc. Therefore, before stepping out of the shower onto them, you must dry your feets. This means, raise one foot...dry it...then step over and out. Raise your other foot, dry it, then step totally out of the shower. Just in case you think she's again making up crazy rules for the sake of ridiculosity, please note that this is the ritual she has established for herself as well. There is nothing worse than going into the bathroom after someone has used the shower and stepping on their wet bathmat. Gross.

You may think the aforementioned rules are stupid, but The Professional couldn't care less. Truth be told, she'd rather you not use her bathroom at all. However, she knows that she can't refuse the facilities to people she welcomes as guests in her home (even though she personally will border bladder damage before using restrooms other than her own).

This leads her to a sidebar: Why do people "ask" to use your bathroom? Are you really going to say no? The Professional doesn't "ask" to use people's restroom. She instead asks where the restroom is.

In closing, The Professional poses the question: Do you have any special bathroom rules of your own?